Archive for December, 2013


I recently picked up the Sly Cooper collection out of boredom and an impulse buy on cheap prices. And I was genuinely pleased. Finding this and a copy of Dynasty Warriors Gundam (that shit is HARD to come by) made my month. Good thing too, I didn’t get a damn thing for christmas.

I’ve only played the first game and the thoughts that come to my mind are varied.

1. Is Carmalita’s outfit legal? Who cares!?

2. Do all white people think voodoo is demonic?

3. Why do I have to race for keys?

For the most part, I was a tad terrified when I was tasked with finding 3 keys to advance to the next area, but considering how the format is, it really just feels like I’m completing regular stages where you avoid obstacles and traps while kicking ass. All while being interrupted by that pussy turtle. And I was pleased. “Finally”, I say, “another 3D platformer aside from Ratchet and Clank that feels like the REAL shit!”

It’s not until I get to the first twin stick level where my enthusiasm dropped immediately. Instead of sneaking through areas and past guards, I must instead open up 40 treasure chests while tackling crabs preventing them from taking ONE.

Is it just me or was the 6th generation filled to the brim with 3D platformers that have stupid shit like this? And Sly 1 is loaded with these types of levels. The game puts you in a position where the dynamics of the game are completely changed in favor of “providing new gameplay” all the while causing more of a headache than need be. The one level that pissed me off the most was needing to collect fish to fuel a flamethrower to light 50 torches in 2 minutes. Not only is that illogical, it’s also a very stupid level.

One of the rules of game design that I feel is the most essential for any game is not make a situation where the player finds him or herself asking “why do I have to do this!?“. And no, not even story reasons can justify what people would consider stupid gameplay.

3D platformers seemed to be a cursed genre filled to the brim with stupid gameplay. It didn’t matter if it was Mario or Sonic or whatever, there’s always some stupid shit that gets in. Insomniac was incredibly smart to change the dynamic of Ratchet and Clank from a straight up 3D platformer into a full blown shoot em up to avoid the pitfalls of having to work around a camera. Though I assume this is because of a perception that 3D platformers were a huge pain in the ass to create. There was a Nintendo developer who stopped working on 3D Mario because the games were incredibly tedious to design, and no matter what the camera would always be an issue. But it would also explain why these games have so much bullshit like the racing levels. Seems every 3D platformer is in love with racing games. Racing in Going Commando, loads of racing in Jak 2 (and hell, the whole damn series became some overblown racing series) and quite a few in Sly 1.

This is a point that I try explaining to the Sonic fans and is partially a reason as to why people kept demanding 2D Sonic. 2D Sonic didn’t have bullshit up until Sonic 3 (and more so in Sonic 4 E1). 3D Sonic is bullshit paradise. Course, the response I usually find is “well, at least the games have a variety of gameplay styles” or “well the player shouldn’t get bored so these things are justified”. The thought process is that the game will get old if you’re doing the same thing over and over and over again. This is always the excuse. As if the dynamic of the game MUST be altered throughout the course just so the game cannot get boring. You know why that is? Because developers have made games that damn boring.

The problem I see in all 3 of these franchises (ratchet, Jak, and Sly) is the same problem that ALL games this generation and past have. The more you progress, the general gameplay doesn’t feel different from the last few levels. There is no emergent gameplay present. What happens is that the game is dependent on the bullshit to provide the emergent gameplay. It ultimately fails because the experience isn’t as fun as having the later levels expand on what ever gameplay is already present. Emergent gameplay is expanding on the already existing gameplay that you have now. If all the levels are designed in the same way (Sly has you doing pretty much the same thing in every level), then the game becomes routine. Routine is the boring part that the hardcore keep referring to. And the problem is developers have become so lazy that everything they put you through since the 6th generation is all routine. All the levels are designed the same exact way with very few minor differences. Nothing grabs you by the conkers as you progress.

You see, games prior to the advent of 3D didn’t have this problem. The games were all simple enough that developers could easily expand on the gameplay without putting in bullshit. Why? They knew deep down the games would have enough action to keep people interested. The 2D “platformers” actually had action in them, but also had plenty of stage elements that kept the game fresh as you progressed. Think about Ristar for a moment. How the first level is basic training, the second is swimming, the third is flames with switches and pulleys, all of these elements expand on existing gameplay without taking away the dynamics that people are used to. In Ristar, you might be swimming, but you’re still attacking enemies and avoiding traps in mostly the same way. It’s not until world 4 where you start looking at the bullshit like that damn music box.

To use another example, think Sonic 3 from Angel Island to Hydrocity. Angel Island is basic training, you get familiar with Sonic’s/Tails’s abilities and just blast through the level in it’s spectacle. But in Hydrocity, now you’re underwater and have to traverse to abyss while keeping an ear out for your lungs. Now, you’re underwater and your speed and jump height are affected. Now you have to look out for bubbles. But what you doing to achieve this? The same thing you did in a previous level. Running, jumping, etc. to get to where you’re going. That’s emergent gameplay. Thats how you make the game feel less routine and more desirable to progress through. In Sly Cooper, none of the levels feel different in any way besides a change in setting. They all rinse and repeat the same traps and enemies with no shame. It’s so pitifully easy that I just blaze through the levels without a fuck given. This is why Sly Cooper “needs” bullshit to keep it fresh. There is no emergent gameplay. Sonic 3 didn’t need it (but still had it with drums and traffic lights)

Most of the gamers on the internet have more experience with the 3D games in which they develop the perception that games NEED bullshit just to stay fresh and exciting. If the game itself isn’t exciting, it’s not worth playing in the first place. Most gamers on the internet are also very stubborn people who believe 2D games are primitive and must be forgotten, which exacerbates the problem. If games like Sly Cooper were fun enough without the need of bullshit like chicken hunting for “gumbo”, you’d see less praise for games having a variety of gameplay. Think about it. Most 3D platformers get praise for having a variety of gameplay styles except Sonic. Most 3D platformers have incredibly SHITTY gameplay variety that don’t play well at all, yet they get praised just for being there. Sonic has variety, people demand excluding all that for the Sonic stages. Why is that? Because the Sonic stages are fun enough that the bullshit gets in the way of them. Other 3D platformers don’t have a fun dynamic in which they are DEPENDENT on the bullshit just to keep people from falling asleep. Therefore they get praise regardless of actual quality. I’ve never seen Tekken games praised for Volleyball or Double Dragon minigames, or bowling. Why? Because the main dynamic (the fighting) is (supposedly) fun by it’s own accord.

Sonic fans suggest that an SA3 needs bullshit like treasure hunting and hub worlds with nothing to do besides crappy “missions”. Why? Isn’t the High speed levels fun enough without treasure hunting getting in the way of that? You’re not going to be easily bored from the speed segments (hopefully)  so there isn’t a need for treasure hunting or hub worlds with nothing to do. Unless platformer fans just like looking for shit endlessly for no reason (would explain the undue praise for Jak and Daxter as well as 3D Mario).

It gets boring because the game is designed to be routine while the devs think the bullshit will keep it fresh. But what the bullshit really does is take the load off their shoulders. None of the “bullshit” even feels like the engine and mechanics were designed around them, they’re just there to break the monotony. And they’re not fun in the slightest. Even the bosses are designed with bullshit in mind (they would make the haiti croc boss some silly rhythm game, the stereotypical fucks)

Sly Cooper isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever played (that award still goes to Skyward Sword), but the bullshit keeps it (or at least the first game) from being a fully enjoyable experience. It’s a problem 3D games in general have, and I don’t see this changing in the near future.

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Happy Holidays bitches. Got some clippers  cause apparently I’m a hairy bastard. Whatever.

Checkin out Sly Cooper…. not bad so far but that turtle is reminding me of Navi all over again, but fuck all that noise.

Capcom has proven to be very stupid these days.

You know that tidbit about gamers being in the 30s? You know, that average that has been that way since…. forever maybe? Yeah, Capcom thinks that’s a problem. See, in their minds, people in their 30s and 40s have a tendency to outgrow gaming. I mean, how can they not? What with all the responsibility of parenting and paying bills taking priority over junk entertainment, yadda yadda. But most adults have the capacity to make free time and not get caught up in stressful situations. But w/e, Capcom says it’s much more strategic to cater to a younger audience as they don’t run the risk of having their audiences leave their games. Since old people have better things to do like die off, which is what all these japs seem to want (especially Nintendo). Problem is they’re talking about a franchise that fucking caters to adults.

Yeah, uh… RESIDENT EVIL is pretty much made for the 30 crowd considering the content involved. A survival horror series mostly about puzzles and getting out of situations, mostly slow paced up until the shitty COD wannabe TPS’s.

Capcom and Japanese developers constantly infuriate and frustrate ALL their audiences because they constantly fall into the “get em while they’re young” clause. Which isn’t a bad theory as the Japanese worship youth as if when you get passed the age of 27, you’re no longer a desirable person. Hell, every anime they have features a teenager with super powers and a bunch of highschool girls with hormone charged titties. The Japanese are horrid people when it comes to age, instantly assuming that going beyond the highschool limit makes you a skidmark on their shoes. Sega tried this bullshit with Sonic, and failed. Capcom isn’t really in a position to pull this shit considering their financial situation.

The entertainment industries of the world are all considering the youth as their saviors of profit considering the economic environment is not in their favor. Since young people are inherently stupid and lack self control, they are the best targets for squeezing cheese from. IE you make content that chases away older audiences and have shills run around talking about “times have changed” and that “this shit was always for younger audiences” while reeling in the stupid youth. Expect RE7 to have Hello Kitty costumes.

How does Capcom plan to do this? By using fashion magazines that appeal to young people. Oh Amma, the WORST audience you could cater to are teenagers/College Students. Teenagers have the absolute worst taste in anything, especially celebrities and music (dubstep is shit, and you know it). So what’s probably going to happen is that Resident Evil will cease to have adult content and probably have something similar to Highschool of the Dead.

If Slit skirt Chinese bitch, Tribal Bikini Black chick, Blond Jill and Hospital cleavage Sherry weren’t clues already…

Hell, SFxT was already a clue that Capcom is going after Teenagers, especially with Poison in mind.

Resident Evil was already dead at #5, and was raped in 6. Looking at that fashion magazine remark, I fucking DREAD what they’ll do in 7. Resident Evil is a series that generally appeals to the 30 year old crowd. It’s not M-rated for no reason. Why not find some sort of middle ground so that resident evil appeals to a wider demographic? I mean… you know… it worked well before. The true test of how good a game is… is how much you enjoy it no matter how old you get. A good reason for why adults grow out of gaming is because developers keep going after younger people like a bad habit. So painting Resident Evil for young(er) people is definitely going to chase the older ones away. Not that Resident Evil had any longevity anyway, all of those games are throw aways with no real replay value. When you experience a Resident Evil title for the first time, the second playthrough is not special because you know the flow of the game. The last time Resident Evil had any replay value was with number 2 having all those alternate playthroughs and routes you could explore. But beyond that, there ain’t much to it.

But “hey, if that’s the case, the TEENAGERS will be stupid enough to buy them anyway!”. You can blame it on Capcom’s financial situation, that which can be blamed on Capcom’s bad business practices of catering to stupid teenagers. Capcom is so unbelievably stupid. First, the DLC practices that got them in this jam, and they think the only way out is through more DLC. As well, catering tto teens chased away their audiences and they think catering to teens again will ARRRRRRGH! The mark of stupidity of trying the same thing over and expecting a different result. And unfortunately, Capcom is not interested in anyone’s concerns on the matter, they’re desperate for money but they don’t know how they’re going to get out.

Other than that, they’re trying to appeal to non-gamers by using movie studios and a “Resident Evil cafe” in Shibuya town. Uh… right. How do you appeal to non-gamers using a HARDCORE gaming franchise!? I’ve not seen video game sales rise with movie tickets, the best selling games have usually been original game titles and non-movie/tv show  related material (unless it’s fucking Disney), but a Cafe!? People might just like the food and atmosphere, but I doubt anyone is going to pay out the ass to get that same experience on a console. Cheap food>>>>>>Expensive games. The REVERSE would happen, the gamers would be drown to the cafe because they’re familiar with the material and they’re EXISTING fans. If you want to cater to non-gamers, you don’t use existing franchises. You have to really introduce them to games that have any franchise history or potentially reboot the franchise. Wii Sports is a good example of introducing non-gamers to video games (I think). But you didn’t see Nintendo Land doing anything, did you? Introducing non-gamers to a gaming franchise by using non-game related promotions is counter-productive considering the expenses of video games and the financial burdens of the WORLD at large. You’re dealing with people who have priorities to keep in check. I bet the Capcom CEO couldn’t pass a bloodtest, he’s so dumb.

In other news, Sega released PSO2 to South Asian territories…. in English.

You can just tell Siliconera thought that was bullshit. It’s right in their title. I had been anticipating this game since it’s announcement, and have been feverishly raging on the inside. Sega announces and then cancels the western release, while giving Asian territories an ENGLISH…. FUCKING…. VERSION! WRAP YOUR BIG ASS HEAD AROUND DAT SHIT!

We CAN’T have our own version in a language we understand, but the FUCKING ASIANS can!

I… shit man! I don’t have the piss to waste, EVERYONE knows that’s bullshit. How much you wanna bet some bureaucratic asshole gamers will blame the folks who got a Japanese account to play the game overseas even when it was declared to be A-OK!?

Neo Sega’s anti-western practices are out of control. They’re already targeting youtubers once again, they’re antagonizing their Sonic fans with Nintendo content (or that’s Nintendo themselves), the mobile game with integrated servers but Japanese audiences getting the overpowered extras that allow them to beat everyone in non-japanese territories (I think it was Kingdom Conquest or something?), and I can tell you this english version being exclusive to Asia is a “Fuck you” to western audiences for getting Japanese accounts (banned as well ofcourse). Sega is literally going out of their way to piss off their western fanbases on every level. Hands down, this company isn’t focused on business, they are focused on a declaration of Japanese supremacy against everyone else. They are deliberately antagonizing western audiences AND PARTNERS. And this is unacceptable on all accounts. Where Sega got this new chip on their shoulder from, I have no idea, but they have the nerve to continue making shoddy games for the west while they give the Japs their best shit ever, what is the goal? It is immature and they should not be allowed to run any business. If you WANT money, and you’re working in 3 different territories, then you deliver EQUAL FUCKING TREATMENT to these territories. Sony does this, Capcom…. used to do this, Namco does, Konami FUCKING does it well, and even SNK to some extent has done this.

Sega, you are not special. You either serve ALL of your audiences equally, or don’t serve anyone at all. If all you’re gonna do is show us your asshole and tell everyone to lick it, we’ll prefer to RYNO instead.

I’m always amazed at how quickly people want to shush out any “drama” regarding the Yoshi Island DLC from Lost Mind. As if the subject of content is not worthy of discussion. I’m aware that Nintendo fans can’t really say much about DLC because they never had true online outside of pokemon (haha), but jokes aside, DLC has always been a controversial topic for any game. Not just how it’s handed out, but what the contents are. DLC, no matter how much I want to deny it, has the power to extend the life out of a single game as it builds on what you love about the game you bought (and then got bored of I suppose).

Yoshi’s Island builds on NOTHING about what anyone loves about Sonic Lost Mind (if it’s loved at all). It makes people run away in fear. That said, it’s easy to see why no one wants to talk about it, though. Yoshi’s Island simply isn’t interesting. Period. It’s a clear testament to how unpopular Yoshi really is.

But it should be discussed on the matter that it is threatening Sonic the Hedgehog. And that’s no bullshit. I wonder how many comments will read “LOL THREATENING WTF”.

First off, I’ve had a problem with Sonic being the corporate ad-whore for a long time.

Sonic has the most appearances in this film, I swear.

Wait, can’t say this because “corporations always take advantage of whatever is popular to draw in more people”. It happens all the time. Oh wait, Sonic’s not popular anymore, WHY THE FUCK IS HE BEING A WHORE!?

It’s something that baffles me. Sonic is used to promote shit like car insurance. Why? It just seems like an arbitrary thing to do. I mean for Cheerios like back in the day “RACE FOR THE TASTE!” cause it’s food. It’s a consumer item. Car insurance? That’s something you need to actually THINK about. And what I really find funny is that everyone is all about kids, but a commercial about car insurance is for adults only, so why is a “Kid’s icon” in an adult commercial about car insurance?

Wretched Ralph, it’s not so much the movie, but the fact that Sonic seems specifically attached to Ralph and Disney for no good reason. I mean afterall, Ralph gets a guest appearance in no other game than Sonic and Sega Racing Transformed. All I can ask is why? Who wanted Ralph’s bitch ass in this game?

He’s not a Sega character, hell he’s not even a REAL video game character. Course neither is Danica Patrick, but I have no idea why that bitch is in either. Does anyone even care about these 2 people!? Where was the demand for these 2 characters? It makes even less sense considering the non-existent popular of the Sonic Racing series altogether and exclusive presence on HD consoles makes the sequel pretty inaccessible to a plethora of people

Yeah, pointless rambling, right? Wrong. The question is why is Sonic general being used to promote products and/or media that have nothing to do with Sonic? Especially given when the Sonic series is in the shitter? I can understand why Comic book super heroes are being used to promote shit that doesn’t involve them like the Avengers (shit is EVERYWHERE now), but Sonic? Sonic isn’t appealing this day in age. Using him to promote product is illogical. Unless there is a stigma amongst marketers in which hardcore gamers will buy anything as long as it caters to their gaming “culture” in some way, it makes no sense. And I say this because while Sonic is busy sponsoring other companies, Sonic fans get shit. It bugs the fuck out of me that the most Sonic fans can look forward to is Sonic going around promoting everyone else’s bullshit while we can’t even get a decent game. I mean back with the Cheerios commercials and back packs and shit, that was ok because we were still getting some fucking awesome games out of the deal. But now? What’s the point? “Oh look, Sonic and Amy made a cameo in the simpsons” who gives a shit? Are we gonna get actual quality again?

So you got a franchise that is, for all intents and purposes, maggot food in which marketers from other companies can simply dance around the grave? I know it’s too soon but think about it like Paul Walker. We already got an advertisement for Fast 6’s DvD release and it hasn’t even been a month… and already those cock-suckers are trying to make money off the corpse! “Paul Walker Trust fund” or some shit. Eh….. I just know that example will make some one rage. “How DARE he compare a bad actor to a video game character!”

But see that’s the thing. The franchise is simply not popular anymore, and Sega is NOT intent on delivering quality Sonic games, and are killing the franchise as we speak. No company in the world has respect for video games, nonetheless Sonic of all games. Turning Sonic into some universal promotion tool is asinine and quite frankly makes my piss boil. Cause what does that really do for Sonic fans in the end? At this point, we all know Sega really isn’t hurting (that badly, I suppose). They got all the cheese for a restaurant (literally and figuratively), they got cheese for Phantasy Star and Yakuza (shit, the fucking spinoff Dead Souls has more “soul” than Sonic Generations), and they got the lawyers for youtube  (they’re at it again, btw.) What does Sega hope to gain from these moves when all they do is shit on Sonic anyway? Is it some half-hearted attempt to appeal to hardcore gamer stupidity by saying “we still care, don’t be mad at us”?

……Well, it does make for some funny parodies, I’ll admit.

All I’m saying is focus on fixing Sonic instead of having the blue bastard tell people “hey, I’m shit, but totally go out and buy some rip off car insurance!” Sonic fans LOVE cheerios, but they’re not focused on car insurance.

That reminds me. I actually read this smart ass remark on facebook recently (Think it was that SA3 page with everyone losing their shit over the “White Jesus” remark hehehehehehe). What was it uh… am I mad that Sonic is in Brawl?

Funny thing about that. Sonic “worked” for Brawl for a large majority of reasons that Yoshi’s Island does not.

One, Smash Bros. is already a crossover game that not only features Mario but tons of other Nintendo characters for the chance to beat the literal shit out of each other. Shit, they invited Solid fucking Snake. Secondly, Sonic was heavily DEMANDED for Brawl, unlike Yoshi’s Island DLC which was thrown in there for shameless promotion. And you wanna know why? It should be obvious.

Who the fuck would want to miss the opportunity to have Sonic and Mario beat the shit out of each other? AM I RIGHT!?

That is the PRIMARY REASON people wanted Sonic in Brawl. The crossover dream match that EVERYONE dreamed of. Not this piddly ass “friendship” from gay ass Olympic games that people got fed up with. No, Mario and Sonic are in it for BLOOD! That’s why people LOVED when Sonic got into Brawl, and partially why people don’t mind his second inclusion in Smash 4. Cause now you got Sonic with MEGA MAN! …….Still would’ve preferred MMX…

No one can deny this is the reason people wanted Sonic in Brawl was to have Sonic fight Mario. You can’t bullshit anyone on it. Even Nintendo of America knew that was the reason.  Look at the US release trailer from back in 08.

Look at the very end of that trailer in which you find Sonic and Mario clashing. THAT is the crossover people really want.

You know why? Because it has everything to do with “branding“.

Sonic was created to show off the hardware of the Sega Genesis, but was (maybe indirectly) branded as a “Mario Killer”. Everything about Sega was branded as a “Nintendo Killer”. Part of Sonic’s Branding is being a polar opposite to Mario. And this was going on for a long time up until the Dreamcast ended, so naturally people thought the rivalry was over when Sonic started popping up on Nintendo consoles.

So why did people care so much about having Sonic in Brawl to beat Mario to shit? Because that rivalry is still relevant to why people give a damn about Sonic to this very day (and I know some Nintard trolls are gonna use that). I mean shit, when you’ve got a character branded to be a “Mario killer” AND grab up marketshare at the same time, that shit leaves an impact on people. Cause lets face it. Nintendo owned everything at the time. The NES was a juggernaut. Then Sonic and the Genesis (and Kalinske) came about and crumbled their empire. Sonic had The power to make a God bleed.

Actually, lets back up. Why do people care about Mega Man being in Smash 4? I don’t ever recall Mega Man being branded as a competitor to Super Mario Bros. Capcom never made their own console to compete against Nintendo. If anything, Bomberman is more appropiate as Hudson made the PC Engine (exclusive to Japan, mind you). Capcom only had arcade boards but never their own console. Deep down, people feel that Mega Man games were on par or of better quality than Super Mario Brothers as well? Capcom IS the only 3rd party company to meet Nintendo half-way on their own turf. Street Fighter 2 and all. So… yeah, I guess Mega Man’s fan support makes sense (plus the lack of Mega Man service from Capcom was making them thirsty). So if fans think Mega Man, Mario, and Sonic should all be involved in a free-for-all, then deep down, people felt that Mega Man was a competitor to Mario as well despite being a 3rd party character through and through.

And that IS the case. Making a “platformer” (and I use that term lightly) on a Nintendo console means competing with Nintendo for platformer fans. So putting a Mega Man game (like say Mega Man 9) on the Wii means having a Mega Man game compete against New Super Mario Bros. (both operating from the same mentality of retro throwback solidifies the competition).

So if Mega Man was considered a rival for Mario despite not ever representing a console he called home, why the fuck are people so desperate, determined, and above all HORNY AS FUCK to squash the beef between Mario and Sonic!? You cannot separate the series from it’s origins no matter how much you’re tired of hearing about that rivalry. All these pussies going on about “NINTENDO AND SEGA ARE FRIENDS, TIMES HAVE CHANGED”  can get fucked for all I care. Times can change all they want, but human nature has all the time in the world to stagnate. People LOVE this rivalry and they want to keep it alive.

And I love the expression of how “kids these days will never know about the 90s rivalry or care, so stop buggin us about it”. Mother fuckers, the kids don’t even know the damn franchise exists. The ONLY people who pay attention to the Sonic now are the same people who LIVED during that heated rivalry (Or jumped in during the 3d stuffs, w/e). 20 years AIN’T that fucking long of a gap! If I ain’t wrinkled yet and still breathing then I STILL want Sonic living up to his branding! It ain’t like DC and Marvel where they’re ANCIENT in comparison, people keep going around saying “gaming is still young”. If that’s the case, then dammit, WE are still young!

What…. does this all…….have to do with the Yoshi’s Island DLC? It’s a spit in the face of the people that still give a damn about Sonic’s Branding. This is the Identity of the Sonic Series. And it is at stake. And no, it’s not just because of the DLC.

No it’s not like Kratos or Freddy in Mortal Kombat 9.
No it’s not like Link or Spawn in Soul Calibur 2
No it’s not like Darth Vader or Yoda in Soul Calibur 4, or Ezio in 5
No it’s not like Cole, Taro, or Kuro in Street Fighter X Tekken.
No it’s not like Akira, Pai, Jacky, or Sarah in DOA5U.
No it’s not like Sepheroth in Castlevania Judgment.
And no, it’s not even like Ralph or random nascar bitch no one cares about.

All of those games have something in common. The guest appearances/promotions, whatever…. they appear in games which maintain a semblance of their own identity regardless of their presence. Soul Calibur doesn’t give a shit that Link is fighting with a “Gay Pink Fairy Sword”, Astaroth is still Astaroth regardless. Shit, Kratos fits right in Mortal Kombat. When playing any of those games….. you still know… it’s Mortal Kombat. You still FEEL… that it’s DOA (in more ways than one).

I don’t need to tell you, the fanbase doesn’t need to tell you, the critics don’t need to tell you, youtube doesn’t need to tell you, trolls don’t need to tell you. Sonic’s Lost Mind is a goddamn Mario Galazy clone. You don’t feel Sonic playing this game. You see it with all the gimmicks and arbitrary badniks, but all in all, that is nooooooo Sonic game. Everyone knows it. Even ur mom knows it.  The Yoshi’s Island DLC is pouring salt on an open wound. It just rings it on home that Lost Mind was made to coddle the people stupid enough to pay 300+ bucks for a Pii U. A blatant confirmation, if you will, that it is a game that doesn’t bother to rely on Sonic’s own merits beyond cheap imitation imagery. And the DLC is used to sell you Yoshi and Zelda.

Sonic fans get shit.

And you know the divine comedy of it all? Nintendo knows you’re stupid enough to let it slide.

These companies don’t really care about Sonic, they use it to boost themselves. What do you think Nintendo is doing? Using the MarioXSonic rivalry to boost interest in their own games. The Olympic shit isn’t even about the rivalry and is more about them collaborating in sporting events. But people got suckered in for the crossover (and people got tired of getting burned). But Nintendo knows how to swindle hardcore gamers into playing their games. They keep this “game” running just so they bring you back in. Nintendo knows hardcore gamers are easy to manipulate. They’ve been manipulated so much on the HD console side of things, now they support that bullshit EULA in saying “WE DON’T OWN THE GAMES WE PAID OUT THE ASS FOR!” Nintendo treats Sonic as something they can ride the coattails on to sucker in desperate Sonic fans looking to them to “fix up everything” when all they’re doing is making things worse.

People have let Nintendo get away with so much up until now that Nintendo thinks they can get away with ass fucking Sonic. Sad part is they probably will since no one cares about the state of that franchise aside from the fans. But seeing as all corporations are operating from a dictator mindset at this point (they’re all just my little pawns to manipulate), we are powerless to stop the ass fucking. Nintendo is not a company that listens to business sense. Pikmin 3 exists, afterall. Lost Mind failing means nothing to them.

Oh well, Sonic Fan Games, here I come. Dat Fusion shit is niiiiiiiiice.

*sigh* I miss Rouge

Coincidence or paranoia?

Every game that was on a Ninturd console just about… has had Nintendo’s cock plastered all over it in some way. Tekken Tag 2 had Mario and Zelda costumes (the lamest shit you will ever see in Tekken, yes lamer than the new titty monster in Revo), Monster Hunter had Zelda costumes, Dynasty Warriors had Zelda and Metroid costumes, Rayman Legends with Mario costumes, and now we’ve got Sonic with goddamned yoshi levels. Hell, there’s Harvest Moon on 3DS with Mario Mushrooms you can grow in the corn fields.

Now, I don’t know if it’s the order of the publisher deal, but Nintendo appears to be using these franchises to promote themselves. I’ve never known a company outside of maybe Disney that was obsessed with saturating their own dicks.

One has to really question the motive behind these moves. After Brawl was turned into one massive Nintendo pride parade, and then moving on to Nintendo Land and the upcoming Smash 4, the term “why” comes to mind. Why does Nintendo feel the need to over-self-promote, internally and externally? Why are they so obsessed with their past history?

If people bought Nintendo consoles to get a taste of Nintendo history, why did the N64 and Gamecube fail? Gamecube had so many games from Nintendo’s franchise history, but none of them saved the Gamecube from being shit. The Wii had very little from Nintendo’s franchise history and it kicked ass. Regular people don’t recognize Nintendo for much more than Mario and Pokemon at this point. Even Smash Bros. is a passing interest nowadays. Making games that promote Nintendo’s history has proven to be detrimental to Nintendo’s success. It expresses the full force of their vanity, and people don’t like vanity. PS3 failed because it was steeped in vanity. Aonuma Zelda fails because they are vanity projects that express the glory of hardware gimmicks. Anything Quantum Dream does fails as they’re all vanity projects. Mega Man 9 and 10? Same story.

Nintendo, however, is working through other companies to show their vanity. All this talk about wanting 3rd party support has nothing to do with wanting games to sell their console. It has everything to do with wanting games to sell Nintendo. There are still a plethora of 3rd parties that are resistant to Nintendo, and here you can see why. Nintendo couldn’t give 2 shits about 3rd parties. They’re only using their games as tools to promote themselves and say that there are 3rd parties that like Nintendo enough to be butt-fucked with retarded costumes. And whats the pay off? Pii U is dead everywhere. Therefore, how can Nintendo promote anything outside of REAL advertising?

Of course, the common response would be “ur mad over some costumes”. Count em up though, that’s 6 fucking games in under a year with Nintendo’s shameless self-promotion. 7 if you include goddamn Nintendo Land. It’s as though they’ve completely lost sight of why 3rd party games need to be brought to the console. If I buy a 3rd Party game, I don’t need to be reminded of who published the fucking game. See, that’s the thing with Nintendo it seems. If they publish anything, it needs some sort of “seal of quality” stamped on it’s ass before they press the discs. This behavior wasn’t so common until now.

And of course, that brings us to Sonic’s DLC. More than a slap in the face, actual Sonic fans are denied real Sonic content in favor of promoting a Nintendo game no one will buy. Wasted potential and talent for sure, but it certainly shows what Nintendo’s true motives are. They don’t give 2 shits about the Sonic franchise, and why should they? Sonic isn’t shit in Japan (or the world atm), so why not give all the Nintards the “Free advertising” they can get? The Sonic brand is harmed enough, but Nintendo doesn’t seem to realize they’re basically pissing on it. The imagery of Sonic being absorbed into Mario’s world after a history of a heated rivarly that is, for better or worse, fucking historicly epic is harmful. It pretends the rivalry never existed (and if I had a dollar for everytime I heard the phrase “TIMES HAEV CHAAAANGED!”, the IRS would be up my ass for years), and distorts the claim of Sonic having an identity crisis. It’s essentially rewriting history. It’s so blatant that it pretends that Sonic was always a Nintendo property in which Nintendo can do whatever they please with it.

But the question remains still. What…. is…. the benefit?

Having a Tekken game doesn’t help due to it’s accessibility and presence on Playstation consoles (and BS3 being out longer), no one outside of Japan like Monster Hunter, Rayman Legends sucked, Dynasty Warriors has always been niche, and Harvest Moon? Has that shit EVER been popular? Why would Nintendo seek out franchises that no one cares about……. to promote themselves?

Nintendo needs someone to give them a swift kick in the ass.

I just wanna post this because I would love for Sankofa to add something about all the Sonic fans bitching about people bitching about this because……it’s free:
http://www.tssznews.com/2013/12/18/yoshis-island-dlc-released-for-sonic-lost-world/comment-page-1/#comments

Aw geez, I’ve already got influenza, I think you’re trying to kill me now!

The more I see shit like this, the more I desire to quit gaming. Nintendo is literally using Sonic to promote shitty Yoshi’s Island? And then a Zelda themed level next year? “Sonic’s Lost Mind” proves to be the accurate title once again.

One has to question the desire to make a Yoshi’s Island level for Lost Mind. Last I checked, no one cares about the Yoshi spin off series. Using another franchise hardly anyone cares about to promote a series no one cares about is an oxy moron. Secondly, everything about this level screams “uncool”. The need to rescue Yoshis are you fucking stupid!?

Another thing I find funny is that Nintendo and Sega kept going on about not knowing how to do a cross over between Mario and Sonic because they play differently, but here we see Sonic being slow as molasses and using his “weird” shit to defeat enemies.

 

If Nintendo has proven anything, it’s that they do not care about a series identity. Anything they publish usually gets neutered in some way. Bayonetta getting a haircut probably had more to do with her hair being her body suit, but that’s no longer the case as her suit is completely detached. I knew something was fishy when MGS Twin Snakes had a Yoshi and Mario doll in one of the offices. I’m still trying to figure out how Capcom managed to avoid having Nintendo retardify their Resident Evil games. But Sonic with Yoshi and Zelda content? There’s no words to describe how utterly ridiculous this is getting. There are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed.

When Black Knight came out, people despised how Sonic was “ripping off Zelda”.  Yet people are defending Zelda DLC? Since when was it ok to champion assimilation but not imitation? But of course, the Nintards masquerading as Sonic fans are “ok” with this because anything with Nintendo’s identity is automatically brilliant.

The whole “Free and Optional DLC” argument is nothing new, but as with all Nintards, it is an argument used inappropiately because they don’t understand (or give a shit about) what the problem is. They’re looking at it from a consumer point of view rather than a principal. When the complaints are about a MarioXSonic assimilation, telling people that it’s “Free and Optional” comes off rather obnoxiously. The price (if any) can never be used to justify anything. Into the Nexus costing only 30 bucks doesn’t change the fact that it’s a crappy game. It’s like getting a gift for christmas that you don’t like. Just because it cost you nothing doesn’t mean you automatically like it. Gamers seem to believe the amount of money you pay equates to the value of the product. If that’s the case, the Yoshi themed DLC holds no value. You can’t complain about something with no value! Of course, no one has to DL the DLC. And no one will because no one bought the game. What is truly wrong with this mentality is that it pervades every facet of life. If you pay 5 bucks for work gloves and they break, you can’t complain because they were “cheap”. Nevermind that cheaper no-brand foods have less chance of killing you than the big name brands and still taste just as mother fucking good.

If you’ve been playing video games for the last 7 years on HD consoles, you should know that a price-tag dictates nothing of value because as far as I’m concerned, no game on HD console is of any value, that combined with getting butt-fucked by tyrannical publisher practices makes them not worth it. Free DLC is in the same boat. Metal Gear Rising’s DLC side stories are of very little value, being that they were short levels treading familiar ground. Did we need to know why Sam joined Armstrong? Or the robot dog’s past life? Being free just means you won’t feel ripped off in the end if you end up hating it. But again, this is not thing issue. The issue is the apparent assimilation of Sonic into Mario.

For a Sonic game, it would’ve been more appropiate (on every level) to put in a Sonic themed level rather than Nintnedo themed one. But of course, that would be promoting Sonic’s history rather than Nintendo’s history. And more and more, Nintendo seems more obsessed with teaching the history of their games rather than making them. Look at Nintendo Land and tell me that’s not whoring out Nintendo History. Why the Pilotwings level in Smash 4 when no one liked Pilotwings? Smash Bros. used to pick out all the cool stuff from their past games, now they put anything “Nintendo brand” and just slap it on. We NEVER needed a pictochat stage in Brawl. Ever. Nintendo’s vanity is so overreaching that it takes control of Nintendo’s own common sense in saying “wait, did people even use Pictochat on the DS?”. Nintendogs, why bother!? They used Brawl just to promote Nintendo’s history, not to make a fun and competent game, and the same is happening in Smash 4. With Sonic, it’s the same thing, only more obnoxiously.

What I predict will happen is that, eventually, Sega will sell off Sonic to Nintendo. We all know they don’t care about Sonic enough to prevent it from being used to promote Nintendo’s fucking history. Did Sonic need to come back for Smash 4, a game that is all about Nintendo’s history and vanity? That should be a clue. Sonic is all a part of Nintendo’s history now with all the buttfucking going on. What kind of history? Nintendo’s rival mascot from the 90’s. Hell, if they were insane enough to include a peripheral device as a character in Brawl simply because it skyrocketed the NES to success, then they would include Sonic as the mascot rival they barely managed to beat. But they’ll leave out the part where they relied on a western dev to help make that a reality.

 

 

Now Shinobi 3 is getting the “treatment”.

At first, Sega questioned the viability of the 3DS, and now they’re going gaga over this bullshit.

The 2DS is being made to get over the price hurdle of the original 3DS model, but it will also have no 3D features and a shittier design. More than likely, the 2DS will be the one that everyone will have in the future due to pricing and Pokemon XY bundles. Sega is wasting their talent. No one likes the 3D features of the original 3DS, so Sega remaking their games with 3D in mind is pointless. Haven’t they gotten the memo that this shit hurts people’s eyes and causes them to go dizzy?

But here’s what I really want to know. Why the fuck are you making 3D features for a game that everyone will focus only on the foreground? Shinobi games demand lots of concentration, even the easy Shinobi 3 will kick your ass. You’re not gonna focus on the background effects of scrolling layers just to say “ohhhhhhh!”, you’re going to be throwing F-bombs while you play the game. Shinobi isn’t a series that’s big on pretty pictures, and most Shinobi games are butt ugly too. It’s a waste of time.

In fact, all of the 3D remakes make no sense in the long run. If you wanted to make 3D remakes, then redo the fucking graphics.

Put some ACTUAL WORK into remaking the graphics. The fact that there are already so many 3D remakes of old Genesis games in under a year shows how easy it is to do this, and all these explanations of how it’s done is probably just lip service to show the hardcore that they care and are still hard working developers.

Shinobi deserves better treatment than to be some faux display of Sega’s “craftsmanship”. Oh it’s nice to play these games again, but I could just get a Classic game Console Sega Genesis and play all of that shit for 40 bucks. Or hell, EMULATE it.

Something tells me Sega is losing their goddamn minds over trying to “help Nintendo” with their hardware problem, as if they just can’t believe that Nintendo is in such trouble that they have to go out of their way to show off hardware features no one gives a shit about… to display the value of console features. If that is their goal, then shitting out lame 3d remakes is not the way to go about it. No one likes the 3D, so no one will use the 3D. Not even for Shinobi.

I also feel that Sega is over-estimating the value of their Genesis games. People continue to buy them because they’re the only games from Sega that are perceived to be the only Sega games of quality. Not because they’re the best damn things on Earth. People would want MORE games like those Genesis classics. We got Sonic 4 e2 even if it is lazy as shit. We got Shinobi 3D. We got Alien Soldier. Now give us Vectorman 3. Streets of Rage 4. Why can’t we have a Golden Axe 4? And no, not that ass tripe Beast Rider with cave bitch Tyris Flare.

 

This is not evil

If you’ve been on the internet gaming message boards long (or just the Nintendo hubs, you poor little fuck), then you’ve probably heard just how much hardcore gamers just… cannot… stand…. Call of Duty. That name alone causes cancer. People hate it’s guts.

While I don’t care for this series (never played a military shooter beyond Medal of Honor Frontline), I do enjoy First-Person Shooters from time to time. Borderlands 2 is looking pretty enticing right about now. I’m much more partial to twitch shooters of old. Time Splitters was the last FPS series I truly enjoyed. Either way, First Person Shooters have gotten a bad rep in the hardcore realm of reality. And while the success of FPS’s have faltered (Minecraft and Injustice kicked more ass), it should be easy to see why FPS’s have caught on so well and unfortunately became saturated. Everyone thinks it’s about “just shooting things” and “lining up shots” and prefer to leave it at that.

Fuck them all, I say. These days, they have no idea how good… most FPS’s can be. Yes, I get it. Military shooters (from NAM to Alien worlds) are saturated up the ass, but content be DAMNED! You wanna know why Call of Duty and other FPS’s were so popular?

It’s the only genre where TRUE IMMERSION has been present almost exclusively for the last decade.

Stupid hardcore gamers think immersion comes from good graphics or some big, open and massive world. You couldn’t be anymore of a fuckwit if you thought that. Immersion can only come from ACTION! What kind of action!? Beating some ass, blasting away enemies, causing sweat explosions. BUT… most importantly, you feel like you’re in danger!

Immersion can only come from the FEELING that you are a part of the action. You can never feel like you’re a part of the game world. A pretty picture is not immersible. Walking and endless walking in some expertly modeled world isn’t immersion. It’s crap.

Why are FPS’s immersion on steroids? FPS’s are ENDLESS ACTION (until you get to those cutscenes). The excitement of combat, the FEAR of navigation, the desperation of low supplies, the utmost certainty of death…..all of which are present in the FPS genre. Every other game is piss easy these days, FPS’s are seemingly the only genre with some actual challenge. The visceral sense of bullets passing by your very eyes, explosions emitting everywhere you turn.

In an FPS, you are forced to keep moving, or find a good hiding place. You’re always bound to be a target if you’re standing still waiting for something, you always have to keep moving. Because there’s always a good chance you will die standing still. It’s easy to kill, but it’s also easy to die (unless it’s one of those pussy FPS’s with regenerating health). The need to keep moving knowing this creates a sense of anxiety. Most of the time, you are thrust in mazes that you must navigate expertly, hoping you don’t walk into a trap or a room filled with enemies. You have to THINK about where to go, and pay attention to your surroundings. It’s easy to do that for every other game because you have a large pan vision of the world, but in FPS’s, your focus is (obviously) in front of you. You have to constantly look around to recognize your surroundings. This can be scary even. You will usually have no idea of what’s behind you given this perspective.

In an intense gun fight, you have to multitask. You gotta kill stuff, but also not be dead. Strafing and aiming is not the easiest thing in the world (not with these controls). Avoiding death and delivering it is challenging in any gun fight. The moments in which you are overrun with swarms of powerful enemies, sending you into retreating can be one of the more exciting moments in gaming. Especially if you run low on ammo (and even more so with the dick hole shooters that only allow you to carry 2 guns at once).

Gameplay is also variational at will rather than restrictive. You can either go into a swarm of enemies guns ablazing or wait from a distance with a sniper or Rocket launchers even. These games reward different play styles with little to no consequence. It’s inviting to a broad audience.

But beyond all that, FPS is probably the only genre in which depth perception is never an issue. Most 3D games have problems coming from depth perception. Trying to judge distance between yourself and an object in 3D space is problematic when you are viewing the game from a 2 dimensional output (which is why everyone complains about bad cameras in 3D platformers, it’s damn near impossible to play without putting the camera in a 2D perspective). Shooters? You just aim at something you want dead and press the trigger. You’re not required to be close to your enemy when it comes to attacking as your weapons are all long ranged. It would be no different than a rail shooter.

So not only are the games immersible 100% of the time, they’re also playable without camera issues getting in the way.

That’s not even getting into just how addictive those games can be. It seems FPS’s are crammed with endless shit it seems. The overwhelming layers of maps, skins, weapons, vantage points, and the prospect of having up to 16 people to fight with, creating an atmosphere of chaos on  the battlefield.

There is literally no barrier to entry for the FPS genre beyond the controls (moving, aiming and firing perfectly is not easy). The problem with FPS’s are, again, the content. Everything is a military shooter whether it’s in WW2 or in deep space, and this is something that needs to change. And no, pointing out one or 2 shooters that take place in different settings isn’t going to alleviate the problem.

Of course, the hardcore prefer to look at FPS’s from a mechanical perspective. They see “pointing and shooting” and assume that’s all there is and that the gameplay is shallow and un-evolved. Tell me… in a genre listed with “shooter” in it’s title, what more do you fucking need!? FPS’s don’t need to evolve because combat with guns are pretty much be all end all. People kinda need evolved forms of fist fights or melee weapon combat because there’s ALWAYS room for improvement. But a gun doesn’t need much more than more daka. The gun was considered the superior form of combat in war because they’re already powerful, fast, and hard to dodge unlike a fist or a sword because more effort is needed. Guns? They just need to be sweeter. But I’m rambling.

Saturation is bad. Senseless bile because of saturation is also bad. First Person shooters are not bad games simply because there are too many of them on the market. If they’re guilty of anything, it’s that they provide something that NINTENDO GAMES DO NOT! I bring up Nintendo games especially because it’s usually those asshole nintards that bring up Call of Duty whenever someone criticizes the shitty Pikmin games. But this goes for everyone. The salty butthurt tears of the hardcore that sling mud at every person that criticizes the objects of their fandoms always fire back with the retorts of “go back to your COD”. That’s what people will do. I don’t think anyone has a problem with being told to go to ANY game that actually aims to please a broad audience unlike those “sophisticated” jRPGs with big breasted 5 year olds masquerading as teenagers.

…………..

 

A better looking title font unlike the bland shit everyone else uses.

No, really, EVERYONE uses that damn design.

This topic will NEVER END in the Sonic fandom. Man, if SA2 wasn’t so mother fucking good, we wouldn’t have this topic over and over again.

Most of the subjects that come up are overly dramatized “gameplay that needs to be right” topics, or pillars that have to be followed to ensure success, but seeing where this industry is headed and how Sonic games have been selling, nothing is promised no matter how much work you put into it, or how you did everything the “right” way to ensure quality. It’s subjective thinking at best. The only way to ensure some sort of success is to always… ALWAYS…. address the complaints of the previous games. People have a tendency to think “well you can’t have a Sonic Adventure title without X gameplay style” but no one ever thinks “do people actually want this shit back?”

People talk about perfecting “gameplay”, but what we should think about is improving Game Flow. What can you expect from the next level/world and is it going to build upon the last? Game progression. That kind of shit.

Be honest. Do you REALLY want all that shit back?

A lot of people kept talking about the need to “perfect Sonic’s gameplay first” when talking about Lost Mind. Even though you had it down pat in the Adventure games or Amma forbid the fucking 2D games, simply going back to that is somehow “unrealistic”. But aside from that, what people are asking for is instead of trying to create “variety”, focus on improving the accepted standard of what people expect from a Sonic game (which is not the bullshit in Lost Mind). The reason being is because a lot of the different gameplay styles are experiments. Experimentation that you’re trying to sell at full price is foolish. That’s what you have test audiences for (I think). People demand “Sonic only” because the gameplay they had with Sonic games prior to adventure are what people come to expect from Sonic games. Regardless of whatever standard people hold the Adventure series to, this will forever be the case. You’re not going to go into a Ratchet and Clank game expecting to cut grass to find lady bugs just to progress or use fire to burn trees in some “supply conserving challenge”. People expect to go into Ratchet and Clank with a gun and a wrench in hand ready to fuck shit up! With a few minor puzzles here and there, mind you.

That said, why in the fuck do Sonic fans still expect people to go into a Sonic game with the expectations that they are playing a Sonic game, and instead they find themselves with levels where they have to perform missions like finding crabs, sun and moon medallions, shooting levels, overworld missions with retarded NPCs, or levels that force you to catch a train before it gets away?

The game flow of many Sonic games are unsatisfactory to a good majority of the fans because the games have these elements in them that do not fit their expectations, and yet they HAVE to do these things anyway to progress.

If the majority of complaints about Sonic are coming from alternate gameplay styles, take them the fuck out.

One of the other reasons (besides graphics) that I feel people enjoyed Sonic Colors more than they should have is because the game flow itself felt consistent. You know each zone will have 6 acts and a boss, and while there are a few retarded levels (the spring board levels where you bounce around all the time for no reason other than “intricacy”), the game flow is consistent and does not hinder the player by thrusting them into another gameplay element they are not prepared for.

Think about it this way. Say you’re playing a regular “platformer” where after about 4 levels, after all the jumping, the ass kicking, the general stuff that made the game fun, now you’re required to slow down your pace and find some stupid music box and drag it around the level and find music birds to give it to just to progress. I mean in the first 3, I’m going about my business whoopin whole sale ass, and now I have to carry around a CD Player just so these jive turkeys can go and attend KFC Idol.

Yes, that shit..

That’s disrupting game flow. While Round 4 of Ristar might be acceptable because it’s still the same thing (just with a major inconvenience on hand), Sonic games take this shit to a whole new level. Not only is he objective different, now the controls have completely changed!

This is infuriating to the game in that they have to get into a different mode of thinking and playing as they progress through the game. In SA2, you won’t have another Knuckles level for 3 Zones, and after 2 Sonic Zones, you’re thrust into Pumpkin Hill and now you gotta find rocks. You’re thinking to yourself “I’ve just been through 2 kick ass levels of high speed action, and now I gotta fly around looking for shit”. No one likes feeling this way in games, and I damn sure couldn’t stand it in Skyward Sword. Take it the fuck out.

Now, on the other hand, a lot of people enjoyed the Chao gardens more so than the mech shooting and the treasure hunting. A big reason for that is because the Chao elements were distractions from the main game. You did not need to go into Chao Garden because it was not important to your progress through the main game. This is considered favorable variety. As long as this gameplay element is not forced on you in the game, players will warm up to it more so than not. Optional gameplay styles or minigames are “good”. Necessitated gamplay styles or minigames are “bad”.

Not to mention those damn things are adorable.

DAAWWWWWWWW LOOK AT DA PUFFY ARMS!

Sure, they were probably added to fulfill Japan’s cuteness quota, but you gotta admit, those are some of the cutest mother fuckers in gaming. Kinda creepy too.

Devil Chao!? Might as well be a Mogwai.

You might be thinking to yourself “wouldn’t that get boring just playing the levels the same way over and over”? No. That is an assumption. Seeing how popular FPS’s are because many of them don’t break their game flow too often, this is never the case. The only way it would get boring is if the game itself simply isn’t fun to begin with.

Hint Hint

People rarely complain about repetition in 2D Sonic because for some magical reason, 2D Sonic is fun throughout. I won’t touch on why because there is some sick obsession with demonizing 2D Sonic within the fandom atm. Sonic Heroes on the other hand…..

Game Flow is the primary concern for Sonic fans that (thankfully) has been addressed with Sonic Colors and onward.

Then the question would arise “How can it be Sonic Adventure 3 without Adventure elements?”

How about “How did SA2 be accepted as an Adventure title without a goddamn hub world!? Without the fishing, without Tails racing, without hammer time Amy?”. There is no necessity for a GAMEPLAY ELEMENT to be present (unless there is significant demand for it to be there). I suppose people don’t care that much about there needing to be a patch for 100 rings = life up so it’s… “ok”. Then again I’m over-estimating just how many people bought that piece of shit.

I say this because you are looking at it as Tradition>>>>>Demand. You don’t really need a hub world in a Sonic game (overworlds in general need to be abolished from gaming altogether as they serve no purpose other than “realism”….. with the exception of RPGs.) nor do you need TREASURE HUNTING. The only thing an SA3 needs to be considered an SA title is content that builds on and fits within the context of the previous entries, and a gameplay and game flow that is enjoyable enough for people to care. IE the Tone, the Atmosphere, the Setting, Mythos, that kind of shit. Thus far, Sonic 06 is the closest thing to an Adventure title considering the content present.

That said, the question you need to be asking is what kind of bad ass shit you want to see in Sonic Adventure 3!? We all know about the demand for Crush 40 to come back, voice actors, etc. What about the world? Do you want it to take place on Earth again? What kind of mythos would you want to explore? Something completely new and not connected to previous games in the series? How about something involving the abuse of Chaos Emeralds leading to some universal disaster (As overused as the emeralds are, they’ve got PLENTY to build up on, hell). How smart do you want Knuckles and Robotnik? Why not give Tails battle rings similar to Sky Patrol where he just tosses them around like in Rayman 3 (or Ratchet’s Omni-Wrench)!? Go TRON LEGACY on dat robot ass! No… fucking… .robot mechs. Please.

And bring back the TECHNO DREAMWORLD AESTHETIC! Something that looks like Sonic Colors without the Candy land shit!

And bing back Chao Karate. My little “Cyndaquil” was doing fucking ROUND HOUSE KICKS!

I’m sure I’m gonna be told that “i’m just too old for this shit”, but is it just me or is gaming not looking so hot these days?

We have 2 new consoles released with headlines cheering for frontloaded sales that mean nothing in the end. And what are the highlights of these 2 machines? Games you can readily get on your current consoles. Knack has very little appeal, a main character that is the personification of a literal giant puppet clusterfuck isn’t the hottest idea to throw around, even with tabloids going bonkers over it’s piddly UK sales beating Mario 3D World (no shit, it’s a Pii U game), and then you have the shooting games no one needs. Call of Duty Ghosts literally failed to maintain steam for the series despite it’s overwhelming fame and eternal scorn of the hardcore (and Resident Evil fans everywhere). Then you have the shitty Sonic game no one wanted. Did I not say it would go out with a whimper? Despite all of the FUCKING HYPE, Lost Mind’s buzz evaporated faster than Pikmin 3’s.

Super Smash Bros. 4 is generating no interest. And why should it? The most Nintendo has bothered to show are returning characters that no one likes aside from Sonic, 3 new characters that are all avatars, and a Mega Man guest appearance stamped with the words “Too little too late to the party”. Not to mention boring stages from crappy games (Skyloft, Bottle Ship, Mario Galazy levels, the fucking train from Spirit Tracks, animal crossing, and goddamn pilot wings).

Fighting games are all turning into animu combo fests, my precious Soul Calibur has been ruined beyond all reason, and I don’t know what the fuck Capcom was thinking when they made SF4 and SFxT. They don’t feel anything like appropriate fighters but some ass cheese that SNK could easily shit out with little effort. It’s that “Japanese quirkiness” bullshit that is destroying fighting games (Blazblue, Persona Arena, that Aquapazza gayest name ever with porno school girls)

That redhead is a goddamn hentai character.

The irony is that DOA is probably the most fun I’ve had with fighters of this generation, second only to MK9. It’s truly an awful feeling that even with the higher “technological  prowess” and bigger budgets that fighting games of today feel incredibly inferior to those of yester. Fighter’s History Dynamite eats SF4 for breakfast.

All Western and Japanese games look exactly the same. Gone are the days of the Genesis and SNES where walking into a Blockbuster meant finding so many games that looked and felt distinctive from each other, no you can actually SEE that there is nothing different from each and every game that’s out. All the HD titles have the “dark and grim” shooting/dark fantasy shit going on while everything that’s japanese has “moeblob” all over dat ass. All the while Sega makes faker food than McDonalds and Nintendo gets bomb threats in Japan for making constantly shitty platformers not named NSMB or Kirby. You’d think owning a BS3, I wouldn’t have to continue searching for anything worth while. But now I have to think of the FPS/Dark fantasy shit the same way I think of the Just Dance games on Wii. Piles of dung to dig through looking for worth while games. Or settle for the tried and true popamole god!

Capcom is about to go bankrupt. Who cares anymore? Nintendo might cancel Pii U nextyear (they won’t). Who cares? 2 voice actors (of Luigi and Tails) including one live actor (Luigi in the Mario cartoon) all died this month. A “winter of death” perhaps? Funny how this happens a year after Obama gets elected…….again.

This is the feeling of disinterest in gaming. After getting burnt several times by a constant stream of ass games, a feeling of consistent buyers remorse discourages me from even trying newer games. The most fun I’ve had with a BS3 are old BS2 collections like DMC, Zone of Enders and Ratchet and Clank. It’s easy to understand why people continue to demand backwards compatibility. If decade old fossils are more enjoyable than the newest games coming out, you know the industry is fucked.

Yep, the BS3 is truly the last console I will ever buy if gaming is going to look and feel exactly the same as it did this past generation. The best value console you can get is the classic game console series featuring Atari and Sega Genesis. They’re only $40 and them bitches come pre-packed with 76-80 mother fucking games. And you know what? That’s the best christmas gift you could buy your snot nosed kids this year. It’s economically sound, and you don’t have to buy anything else extra. Shiiit. Look at dat variety bitch! The Sonic games from an era when things made sense, Streets of Rage, SHADOW DANCER!? Shit, if I didn’t have emulation, I’d buy that myself!

Perhaps I should find a writer who’s batshit enough to own a BS4 to keep up to date with how much worse gaming has gotten.

Lost Mind patched so Color powers work with analog controls.

This is hilarious. A feature that Nintendo worked so hard on for their console is once again admitted to be useless and cumbersome. It’s a wonder why they forced Color powers to be played with touch screen support at all. Even Colors DS didn’t use the touch screen.

What really gets me though is the patch also gives you a life up for every 100 rings you collect. You’re fucking serious!? You have to patch in a SERIES STAPLE!? Why on Earth is this element NOT even in the game in the first place!? I don’t know any Sonic game that does not have this feature (well, except maybe Unleashed. They had a very funky lives system I believe).

Perhaps Sega shouldn’t be asking if touch screen controls are good for Sonic and start asking their doctors if Piracetam is right for them.