103 Ways Nintendo Fucked Up Skyward Sword

1. My god, Joan Rivers should be decapitated for giving Link the courage to take up plastic surgery.

2. Why is there a school for knights when nothing ever happens in the sky?

3. Zelda is a tsundere now?

4. Yes, Zelda. Attempted murder is a great way to practice for a flying contest

5. So I gotta hold A to run and then flick the nun-chuck to do a basic roll? OH BOY! INNOVASHUN IS FUN FUN FUN!

6. Groose’s pompadour. Nuff said.

7. I never imagined Aonuma would turn Zelda into a high school drama where Link deals with bullies while he needs that crazy bitch to defend him from them.

8. Found my bird! Now I need a sword to get to the bird.

9. Yes, I know swords are dangerous, but with friends like Zelda, I’m gonna need it.

10. Spin attack by holding both Wiimote and Nunchuck together and swing it from left to right or vice versa!

11. Twisting and contorting right arm to fly is an incredible experience!

12. How cute of the LOTR elf to remind us of Zelda’s 25th anniversary.

13. Oh sure script writers, force this damn race to go on longer right AFTER I reach the flying statue!

14. And… I get a blanket for winning. 😦

15. She likes pushing people off cliffs, huh?

16. Constant face plants are fun, fun, fun!

17. Gah! Finally, that crazy bitch gets captured and yet the story treats it like it’s a bad thing.

18. Yes Link. Follow this random creepy ghost bitch out near a cliff!

19. DEMONIC PUSSY ATTACK!!!

20. …I have to hold the Wiimote straight up in the air to continue the story?

21. So after like… what, 45 minutes of tutorials, I FINALLY get to go out and kick some ass? I thought Twilight Princess was an eternity.

22. Annnnnnnd another tutorial. Dowsing?

23. Why do I have to look for these fat-fuck monsters that look like testicles? I don’t like them. I don’t want to save them. I’d rather kill em!

24. This is the first time the first dungeon of any Zelda game looked so damn shitty.

25. And just how the fuck was I supposed to figure out how to kill the spider!?

26. Yes bitch, I’m 100% sure too that there’s a key inside. Wish you held my hand with that damn spider.

27. Nintendo didn’t even bother hiding the water switches this time.

28. Since when did Stalfos learn to fight?

29. Why can’t I use the pointer to aim the beetle? It’s like I have to wave the damn thing around to pinpoint my target.

30. Why does the Boss key look like a strange version of the cosmic cube?

31. So now I have to use motion plus to turn the fucking key until it fits into the boss door lock!? You’re fucking serious!?

31. I like how this blue bitch never helps me on boss battles because, for a second there, I almost forgot how to fight against a faggot that can catch my sword with ease.

32. Sorry, but your tsundere is in another dungeon.

33. If I belong to a school for knights, why do I still get a piece of shit wooden shield at the start!?

34. Oh shit! Impa got revitaligo!

35. I think it’s quite bullshit how I went through hell and back to find the temple only to be told I have to go BACK DOWN A STEEP HILL to find “pieces of a key”.

36. Wow, I blazed through this dungeon in as little as 2 minutes, holy shit!

37. Of course they would make the “now black Impa” a total bitch. Well excuse me for needing to get up to the temple, go back away from the temple to find some keys, get back to the temple, go through the temple, and then fight a long and tedious boss fight to get to my bitch, you inconsiderate bastard!

37. Now have to replace my damn shield again for electric enemies! It’s like this game was designed to promote consumerism.

38. Think these time stones are cool? I used to think so too.

39. Why does this game think I need to use the beacons to find my way through sand?

40. So now have to find 3 generators. Is this game trying to force me to use Dowsing?

41. The Dust bellows from the Minish Cap!? Oh. I can bloooow the sand away! That’s a VERY useful tool, you fucking assholes!

42. See, now this is stupid. The Scorpion hides so now I just have to whip out the Dust Bellows any damn way if I want to attack it. It’s like all the bullshit in this game is there to justify features I don’t want to use!

43. OH SHIT! EPIC BATTLE THAT… ends with me getting a harp.

44. So now my next objective is to reforge the Goddess Sword? It wasn’t powerful enough before? I can just see the feminists going “Oh if it was the GOD sword, it wouldn’t need to be reforged, Nintendo is sexist!”

45. Oh Amma, Groose just had to tag along with me as I plummet.

46. I can’t be the only one grossed out by slashing gelatin toenails.

47. Not my fault I had to save your life. Dipshit Groose.

48. Fi should never be allowed to sing… ever.

49. I hate the Silent realm. That is all.

50. You know Aonuma is trolling you when you have 2 different stamina gauges.

51. Swimming vs Flying. Which has worst controls? I have no idea!

52. Is that honestly a Dragon taking a bath?

53. You want me to go back to the first dungeon to pick up… some water in a bottle? Really Aonuma?

54. Singing Water Dragon.

55. I like how this dungeon is basically a remix of the first one.

56. I can’t use the whip to attack enemies like a Belmont. 😦

57. The only good boss fight in the game needs the shittiest whip ever to defeat.

58. Oh look, you can use the harp to power up the Goddess Sword, just like in Wind Waker! OMG TRIVIA TRIVIA TRIVIA!

59. I hate the Silent Realm. That is all.

60. If this fucking robot doesn’t learn how to fucking navigate this fucking desert ocean…

61: A pirate ship that is a remix of the 3rd dungeon. Joy.

62. RASTAPUSS! Time tah get tentacle-raped by dah most high!

63. Is there honestly a Goddess Shrine hidden on a pirate ship?

64. I don’t like dowsing for items period. And now I’m reminded of why.

65. I hate the Silent Realm. That is all.

66. Earrings?! That’s my prize!?

67. Gates with fire. Use water. One fire pillar needs a bigger supply of water. Cannot continue.

68. Goes back to Water Dragon to get water. Can’t carry. Need Skipper.

69. Flying with Skipper to get to Volcano. Skipper wants to get up into Fi’s thighs and knocks us all down far from the Volcano.

70. ESCORT MISSION because Skipper’s a bitch.

71. If this wasn’t the most tedious process of getting into a dungeon, I don’t know what is.

72. Digging mitts? Why am I reminded of the shovel Claw from Sonic Adventure 2?

73. So these mitts only allow me to play pacman styled minigames?

74. Ghirahim shows off his bizarre sex appeal before the fight.

75. I think I was happier knowing nothing about the Master Sword being related to Fi in any fucking way.

76. So I go to the past to find out Zelda is a reincarnated Goddess that plotted everything out for Link to be bullshitted. Then goes to sleep to keep the imprisoned locked up. Wow, way to make me feel as though my existence is nothing but a puppet for God’s amusement, Aonuma!

77. I have to find a Whale to find the Triforce? Sounds legit.

78. I need permission to use a technique before I can save the world!?

79. After using said technique on the whale, I will never use it ever again.

80. Did Aonuma honestly think I wouldn’t know he copy/pasted the squid fight onto the Whale’s virus?

81. So I did all that just for the whale to give me directions in finding songs. Fucking shit man! First it was trying to find Zelda in 3 dungeons, 3 flames, and now 3 songs! All in the same places! It’s like they spent 5 years trying to figure out how to pad out the game!

82. The bitch flooded the forest. Joy.

83. Ok, I was under the impression that Zelda sleeping would keep the Imprisoned from escaping his seal. Yet, here I am fighting him again. Zelda is forever a useless character, even when she’s in a coma.

84. Even after I save your life for a second time, I STILL need proof that I’m a fucking hero!? Bitch! I have conquered 6 fucking dungeons, I’ve dealt with Fi’s annoying non-advice, 3 Imprisoned fights, and I have the Master Sword! You see the hilt!? It’s purple! PURPLE YOU BITCH!

85. I have to catch the song under water. Yeah, that makes sense.

86. Back in the Volcano, I get blown off by some wind, I wake up and my shit got jacked.

87. You bring back those stupid mitts? What about my sword, that would’ve been better!

88. Sam Fischer is disappoint.

89. Back in the desert, the 3rd dragon is dead(!!!)

90. So after using the time stone to revive him, now I need to play doctor and give him some medicine too? Nyame, this game is one big hoop jumping fest. BACK TO THE DAMN TIME TEMPLE!

91. I hate the Silent Realm. That is all.

92. I did all that… for a canon ball shot at the underside of Skyloft? I couldn’t just call up Groose and have him build another catapult?

93. Surprisingly, this is the first dungeon I enjoyed in this game.

94. SPLAAAAAAAT! Demise is dead! We save Zelda and the day is saved!

95. No it’s not! Ghirahim trolls and kidnaps Zelda again and tries to revive his master in the past!

96. Ghirahim performs a mating ritual around a sleeping Zelda.

97. Ghirahim rips off Colossus.

98. He must be fucking powerful to keep this ritual going and get raped at the same time.

99. Demise must’ve been the love child of Akuma and Blanka.

100. Easiest… final boss… ever. I wasted Rupees buying invincibility potions!

101. Impa is revealed to be the old woman… and she dies instantly.THE END.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

102. All these tools and they didn’t even include the fucking Boomerang!

103. ………….IT’S NOT EVEN THERE!

3RD IMPACT! Donkey Kong Country Returns vs Rayman Origins!

VS

Lets face it. 2D platformers are just superior to 3D platformers in every way of the term. Hell, the public thinks so with their rejection of SMG2 with NSMBW. But that’s a dead horse I’m sure the hardcore are sick of hearing about.

So lets talk about their desperate attempts to downplay NSMBW by pointing out 2 other platformers they consider godly. Now, to be fair, these 2 games aren’t at all in the same series, but I don’t give a fuck! If you’re looking for a 2D platformer on Wii that’s not named Mario (or Kirby), then there are basically 2 other options (if you want coop, at least). You have the Nintard wet dream, DKCR, or the unsung hero, Rayman Origins. Both games come from the “scripted spectacle” school of thought, where the designers believe that doing cooky voodoo shit with level design makes for a “great game”.

But anyways, it’s the 3rd strike! Donkey Kong vs Rayman! 3RD IMPACT!

1! Presentation: Box Art

Ok, clearly Retro thinks their shit is too good to show how awesome their should be so they just stick 2 monkeys on the box and say “just go for it”. Ubi Soft had the decency to show Rayman… you know, KICKING SOME ASS! Show me the real shit you’re dealing with on the box art! Don’t give me this “box art lies” or “don’t judge a book” bullshit. You want me to buy your game, you better be damn good at lying!

They’re both very typical gaming box arts with no serious merit besides doing it’s job of showing you the characters. But in the general sense, you’d want something to at least jump out at you and look somewhat exciting. DKCR is just… there, you know? Rayman shows off some action where the main 4 characters take on an army of wtfs. You could barely notice the  2 villains on Donkey Kong’s box, hell.

On the other hand, Rayman’s box also looks a bit too cartoony, and the west has been all about “serious business” nowadays with the heaviest sellers usually having a lack of “wacky and egghead” architecture. Donkey Kong… barely having that would be more enticing than Rayman’s fat ass blue friend Globox who just seems to be… there. Still, on an interest garnering level, Rayman would be superior.

VERDICT: RAYMAN

2! STORYLINE/PLOT!

Oh yeah! The portion every hardcore dipshit will demand you not give a shit about! Granted, there really isn’t much story to be found in either game (retro throwbacks are taken literally and have little story to be found.

In Donkey Kong Country Returns, apparently in light of nostalgia, Donkey Kong’s Banana hoard gets stolen… again. But this time, it’s stolen by some tiki masks that want to use the bananas to…. repopulate their own race?

I know Nintendo makes ridiculous plots (Zelda after Links Awakening) but… using fucking bananas to reproduce more tikis!?

It all makes sense now!

How does a banana turn into wood!?

NO! Don’t… answer you sick bastard.

I was originally aware that the Donkey Universe did not go to ridiculous lengths to make up a story. The Kremlins mostly stole the banana hoard to starve the fuckers to death! And then they tried to kill off the entire DK family in 64. Now we’ve got some FUCKING MASKS needing to repopulate their stupid mask race! We don’t need another metaphor for white folks and their desperate attempts to cover up their shrinking population numbers. Speaking of crackas, they also have “mind control“. But they seem to be doing it for shits and giggles and never as a major part of the plot. Do they want to take over the island? Nah, lets just find more workers to take up more bananas even though we could use the hoard we found, make servants out of that, gather up more bananas around the island, and not risk an ass whoopin by these 2 monkeys.

On the other hand, Rayman Origins is even more ludicrous. Rayman, fat ass Globox, and 2 teensies are just chillin. Minding they’re fucking business. But since their relaxation is loud enough to disturb some old bitch who looks like death warmed over. She gets pissed off and like the cranky bastard one floor below you, starts banging on the ceiling to get them youngsters quieted up there. They keep on chillin which pisses her off some more to the point that she summons demons to kill them all! …….That’s disproportionate, ain’t it? So after beatng up said demons, rayman and crew get locked up… only to quickly bust out later and escape. Apparently, now he needs to rescue pink things called electoons.

Ok, Rayman’s story has no logic going on. It feelslike I’m just doing shit for the hell of it. There’s no real sense of a goal. If I’m being honest, that’s what a game honestly needs. You ever wonder why fighting game fans piss and moan about why they’re fighting? People need some sort of logic or reasoning behind why they’re doing something in a game. At least at first.

VERDICT: DK

3! CHARACTERS!

First up… the DK crew! ….Or… lack of.

There aren’t too many characters featured in DKCR. You just have Donkey, Diddy, and those masks. There’s nothing significant about any of them.

……..Same for Rayman Origins.

…….But on the plus side, there’s at least more of them. You’ve got Ray, Globox, a million goddamn teensies, and bitches! Oh the bitches!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

Erm… well… not all of them are done yet!

VERDICT: RAYMAN

4! MUSIC

DKCR’s music was made by the same people who made Metroid Prime. And that series….. well the first game… had some brilliant music to fit the atmosphere. That said, they seem a bit misplaced in DKCR. Most of the songs are remixes of the same damn jungle japes song. Some pieces sound as though they came directly from Metroid Prime itself, which shows some limited production from the musical ahem… “talents”. There’s only one song that stuck out and that’s the factory stages where the drums sync up with the background (the level design of pretentious assholes).

Rayman Origins…. kinda the same thing. Most of the music you find here is typical of music you’d find in old black and white cartoons of the 40s (too many of those mosquito levels). Plus, you’ll hear those little pink things singing almost a million times to the point you want to shut them up. There are at least 2 songs that stuck out. The refridgerator world with that James Bond music was real nice, and the underwater stages with that “mysterious and somber feeling” or… w/e.

DKCR’s “Metroid Prime” esque soundtrack is just not fitting for the whole game at large, but that factory stage had a nice beat. On the other hand, Rayman’s music actually…..kinda fits?

VERDICT: TIE

5! Gameplay!

Alright! Time to piss off every mother fucker in the known universe!

I’ve already talked about the asinine gameplay of DKCR before, but I haven’t gone that deep.

First off, you only get 2 playable characters. Donkey and Diddy. Neither player can switch between the 2. Not that this is extremely important, but it brings up the question of “why”? Why not give player 1 the choice of being Diddy? Why not Player 2 Donkey? It also doesn’t help that Diddy has a better chance of getting through the levels due to having a hover pack. Sure, Diddy can piggy back Donkey and give him the hover, but then that strips all control away from Diddy! All he can do is shoot these weak ass peanuts that don’t do jack shit! And considering how the levels are clearly structured for single player, it sends the message that coop in this game is worthless. Diddy is better on DK’s back and sitting there for the entire game. Diddy kong himself is nothing but a powerup anyway in levels where you can find a barrel. He essentially gives you 2 more health points to live with. But that’s a really shitty design for coop.

Player 2’s purpose is to be nothing but DK’s penis pump. There was no real intent on making a coop game functional or desirable. So the question remains, why put that shit in!?

*snickers* stupid newb! 2 Player is exclusive to pros!

Well that would be swell if half the fucking game wasn’t controlled exclusively by one player! See, Retro did the dumbass thing and loaded this game up with trial and error levels labeled the hardcore love affair “the rail cart levels” as well as “barrel rockets”. Never mind the forced failure these levels provide so that you can only learn it the “correct way”. Trial and Error gameplay is nothing new to gaming, no doubt, but it shouldn’t be so damned infuriating. First off, if you ARE playing coop, say good bye to the entirety of your stock of lives. Both players share lives so if both players die, you lose 2 lives in one level or more if only one player keeps dying. So imagine trying to play through some scripted bullshit knowing damn well both players have to be accustomed to learning it at the same time that the camera can barely keep up? If either of you get separated during these events, fuck it. You cannot go back to have the camera pan to the partner. He/she will just have to suck it up and die. But that burns through your lives anyway. It’s a game that literally demands perfection from the players. And this not good design.

That said, it’s more playable as a one player game, but even then it’s not fun. Many of the levels are set up so that you can only proceed one way. Many levels are just sprawling death pits with thin ass poles or rows of enemies and springs in which you bounce off of each one in rhythm. This isn’t hard or even clever (but with 2 players, it’s murder because killing enemies for yourself leaves your partner without shit to proceed with). And more than half the damn game plays like this.

This wouldn’t be so bad if the controls weren’t ass. Jumping just feels off, like you take one leap and DK clears 2 miles almost. At least that’s how it feels. By the grace of Amma, I have no fucking idea… why they used shaking controls for basic rolling and… “blowing”. See, in the originals, you could simply roll by pressing fucking B! Now you have to run and shake the mother fucking wiimote to do the roll! Imagine if you wanted to do a rolling jump to clear a large portion of the level!? Add to it the irresponsive-ness of the motion controls and you’ve got one of the worst damn mechanics of the game.

Random Nintard: “hyuck! well, you don’t have to use the roll! You can just jump on the enemies!”

Yeah, I don’t have to use a lot of attacks in video games. Maybe I’m tired of having the “jump on enemies” option as a primary attack! You think with that grab animation, he could pick up enemies and toss them around, but no that’s just for the almost non-existant barrels lying around levels in the game. The fact is thanks to Retro’s unexpected and forced “innovashun”, the rolling option is useless. But you can shake it for the ground pound, a move that’s only really useful for smashing drums during certain levels. What do drums do? Activate the next scripted events. Lastly, you can shake the wiimote to blow flowers.

*bangs head* ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

This is easily the most worthless addition to the game, but it’s so insignificant to even bother with.  The only thing you really do is uncover more bananas and a small assortment of enemies that are covered in flames… that only appear in the final world.

The boss battles are of the typical multitasking/telegraph pattern variety and manage to be less frustrating as the main levels (aside from that damn chicken boss where you have to play guessing games with it’s random attack patterns. Not to mention that damn mole boss which was just another mine cart level)

The game in general suffers from a multitude of design errors that prevent the overall game from being fully enjoyable. But it gets a pass for being “difficult”. Ok. It’s a game that’s more fun to watch than it is to play.

Now, Rayman Origins is also pretty guilty of scripted level design, but on a much smaller scale. See, most of the game’s scripted content is saved for optional bonus levels and the final stage chase. But really, on the plus side, even if you fuck up, you can still recoup your losses and actually WIN the fucking level.

So getting THAT out of the way, Rayman Origins is much smoother in this regard. The game has the standard 4-player action that Mario and Kirby both have. You only get 3 characters to play as, but on the plus side, player 1 is no longer restricted to being simply the main character. You can change who you want to be, whether it’s Rayman, Globox, or one of the millions of Teensies (smirf looking midgets) in the game. Gameplay wise, all characters possess the same abilities and attacks. Attacks range from basic jumping on enemies as well as beat ’em up style of combat where you gt to knock your enemies senseless with a series of punches, slaps, or magic wind…. I think. And there’s little risk to doing this for every enemy. Just know that if you’re playing a teensie, you’re gonna rage over the short range. You also have a dash feature by holding the B button on the Wiimote. It’s actually… not as bad as it sounds as it almost feels damned natural. You can also perform an additional dash attack.The game also gives you wall jumping which really helps if you fuck up and nearly fall into a death pit, but if you’re pressed for time and have to do multiple wall jumps, you’re gonna be fucked. Jumping from wall to wall is slow as the characters have to do some retarded spin animation saying “woo hoo” as they leap from wall to wall.

Through the game as you progress, you gain new abilities (why not have them from the beginning of the game!? Oh well, at least you can get a glimpse of the bitches). Yes, you need to free the bitches in order to get your powers and a magic stick. It’s not a daunting task, but why? It doesn’t really serve much of a purpose than to show off the next world’s primary gimmick. The jungles have nothing, the deserts have flying (and wind currents and pretentious musical tricks), the… “food” world has shrinkage, the water world has the obvious swimming, and the mountains have wall running (which is actually quite fun). None of which justifies the need to earn new abilities because you gain them as soon as you start a new world. Plus, they offer nothing to you if you go back to previous worlds, no secrets to obtain via these new abilities, nothing. It just irks me.

The levels play out naturally and accommodates 4 players decently despite looking absolutely bizarre at times. Players can (and probably will if they’re all assholes) smack the shit out of each other during play. Usually, this was for fun, but accidents happen far too much and you’ll up pissing off your friends through gameplay as you can smack them over death pits often. The coop can be a little detrimental if none of your friends or family have any self-control on their attacks. Some parts of the levels do demand all players speed through in unison. For example in the fire… erm… oven stages, you’ll have these zip lines in which the players must all traverse at the same time. You cannot leave a player behind or else they die. This isn’t too much of an issue as the game gives you unlimited lives removing the necessity of speeding through the game. And similar to NSMBW, you can bring them out of their bubbles or bubble forms by punching them. Also like in NSMBW, dying while your party is in bubbles results in a gamer over and a retry of the same area you were in.

There’s also a sizable portion of “shmup” levels where you hop onto a bug and fly around shooting things about. They’re fun and simple, but usually fall short of being enjoyable after the first time. Nevermind those levels are goddamn everywhere.

Overall, the game is fine except for the final levels and the few boss fights the game has. There are only 5 bosses but the way they play out is tedious. First off, all you do is run around the bosses and wait for weak spots to appear (they look like big ass herpes spots with eyeballs). Once they appear, you have to rush over to them, hit them, rinse and repeat 2 more times with varying attack patterns. This is irritating as most of the time, your busy avoiding death while needing to chase those damn spots. And the final boss, ugh. The weak spots appear for only a split second, so you have a tiny ass window of opportunity to attack that bump. It’s irritating because that’s literally all you do. Chase after weak spots before they disappear.

Overall though, I have to give this to Rayman Origins for at least being inclusive in it’s design.

VERDICT: Rayman

6! Replay Value!

As typical of many platformers this generation, the replay value of both DKCR and Rayman are steeped in fetch-quests and collectathons which, in the end, just give you the rewards of harder levels. You can also unlock galleries in DKCR (despite having access to the internet without the hassle) and for Rayman, you have the ability to unlock several costumes for the 3 selectable characters. The teensies are disproportionate to Rayman and Globox, however, as those 2 only get 2 extra costumes. Then you just get a secret final world with a secret final boss.

DKCR just gives you 9 harder levels and one “banana heaven” level. You also get “harder” versions of the main levels. First off, the main game is already frustrating, and you reward the player with even more frustrating levels?

VERDICT: Rayman

Final word: In all honesty, if you’re into coop games in general, you can’t go wrong with Rayman Origins. It’s a fun and smooth multiplayer game that, in my views, rivals that of even NSMBW. DKCR…. yeah right.  That game is reserved for masochists who simply want to increase their E-peen and nothing more. DKCR is a giant spectacle fest with enough bells and whistles to fool to hardcore gamers and nintards into thinking it’s the most incredible thing since sliced bread. Origins has a little bit of that as well as stable gameplay that doesn’t exclude multiple players. Origins pacing is also faster, if that counts. Plus, who can’t resist playing a Ninja teensie?

I am a student of Joe Musashi! You’ re already fucked!

Winnar: Rayman Origins

And hopefully, the sequel won’t have any of that rabbit shit!

…..MOTHER FUCK!

The REAL Reason people hate Sonic the Hedgehog 5

In order to understand Sonic’s foundation to be hated, there are 4 things to understand

1. Focus on Spectacle

2. Lost Appeal

3. Cranky Gamer Syndrome

3b. possible trolls

4. Sonic fandom self-hatred

When a game focuses on spectacle, it’s objective is to increase appeal so that people will come running toward it. The game play? Fuck it.

More times than we could count, people were (and probably still are) attracted to the spectacle of video games, movies, and tv. We can go back and replay many of the most popular games and find out there isn’t really anything significant about it’s gameplay which, in this era, is proclaimed to be the #1 important aspect of selling a game to people.

Funny thing how Nintards always claimed “graphics were not important” even though Nintendo advertised the hell out of the graphics of DKC.

Aside from that, clearly the key to success of the 90s was the spectacle of graphics and gimmicks. Like a child, expectations were never high for them to achieve much. To us, it was all just entertainment. They could be hard or poorly programmed. Who gives a shit!? I’m playing a fucking game!

With the rising popularity of X-Play and cranky game reviewers in general, as well as a general sense that people wanted quality for the $50 price tag nowadays, the selling point of spectacle was little more than a dying breed. Name brand became the new spectacle of sorts. Video game concepts and gameplay now came into question. America, in general, became much more close-minded and cynical after 2001. The optimism and acceptance that Americans had back in the 90s were slowly, but surely, diminishing. 2004 was the year the industry became pessimistic toward long running franchises that didn’t start on the Playstation (or made by Capcom).

If I’m being honest, 06 probably would’ve never met his kind of hatred had it been made prior to Shadow the Hedgehog. Unleashed DEFINITELY wouldn’t gain any animosity toward it had the situation been different. Sonic probably would not be in this situation… had it not been for Shadow the Hedgehog.

It’s always the nigga that makes everyone angry. Look at Obama and how all of a sudden, Americans are “waking up” to the bullshit of their government now.

Certainly, all of this could be blamed on Takashi Iizuka (hell, his name is literally all over this one), but it just so happens to be another case of “wanting to attract different audiences”. Now, considering Sonic’s status had yet to be diminished, we should ask the question “why in the flying FUCK would you need to attract anymore audiences to Sonic!? Everyone except Japan loves Sonic damn near! Due to Japan’s total lack of transparency, we will never know. But for the small bits we do, Iizuka figured that Shadow was just a much darker character and that his own personal game should be just as dark, by taking inspiration from 2 shitty gothic American films and…. Terminator. After all, he did make the character, so who would know him better than the almighty creator?

I don’t believe he had any idea what to do with Shadow considering his development cycle came from an internet poll where everyone wanted a Shadow game. Shadow was the most popular character in the Sonic series up until this game. His overall development and personality does seem suited for a game such as Shth. And considering the state of the industry still catering toward teenagers and games becoming darker and edgier (hell, Jak and Daxter went that route directly after the first game so to speak, and was praised regardless), the assumption that a darker Sonic game would go over well wasn’t too far of a stretch. The consumers welcomed darker and edgier versions of their favorites (most of the time). Look at the popularity of Twilight Princess in comparison to Skyward Sword. People were FUCKING HYPED for TP. The game’s overall darker tone was like a match made in heaven after getting away from the incredibly light-hearted Wind Waker. And Sonic fans weren’t at all known for their intolerance. People did not start hating the adventure games until the late 20o0’s period where they *cough* “realized” how shoddy the games are.

When it came to the Gamecube, most Sega fans were very VERY welcoming to many kinds of games. But cranky gamer syndrome was primarily found on the Playstation brand. You can find that most Sonic games are rated significantly lower on Playstation consoles than they were for Gamecube. The only subversions to this would be Generations as well as the new racing game with that fucking Wreck-it Ralph character where Disney is trying to convince the world that he’s a real video game character.

And it looks WORSE to play than Lode Runner!

Ahem… aside the point, Playstation fans happen to be the most vocal and the most vicious. And with the popularity of the Playstation brand (despite the failures of the PSP, PS3, and apparently the Vita), they are the ones developers pay the most attention to. And they are overcome with Cranky Gamer Syndrome. They are the primary dictators of quality in the industry. Afterall, if a game like Sonic 2 has shallow gameplay, certainly you can count on them to point it out. If the gameplay was “great”, issues like online lag would not set it back so far.

Again, Sega has to do improvements or innovations to the gameplay in order to garner praise. Sonic CD, perfect example. Instead of doing a straight port, they give you the ability to use Tails and gives you the option of using different music. Minimal as it was, this was enough to give the game some luke-warm reception. Sonic Adventure and Adventure 2 were straight ports, and you can guess the results. The only thing people would probably praise the old games for is the fact that you can replay them again in some vain attempt to criticize and protest the newer games. This is, for the most part, done on purpose. Many Sonic fans I have known on and offline don’t even bother going back to playing the first few games unless they’re re-released or have some new content in later releases. Why the fuck would you hand over money to a company for a copy of Sonic 1 to protest a brand new Sonic game, for example?

The overwhelming amount of praise the originals get nowadays is confused more so for being “some of the greatest games ever” in an out of control way of defying newer games. Even one tailored for Sonic fans. It’s not even an act of nostalgia. Most Sonic fans can’t be nostalgic if they have untold access to the original classics. There’s literally no where you cannot find copies of the Genesis trilogy in some form. The only console that doesn’t have this would be the Dreamcast.

Sega has shoved the damn genesis games up our asses so much, I’d be surprised if someone WASN’T getting sick of them by now. Frankly speaking, looking at reviews and the “stated intent” of purchasing the games shows that… yeah, people are getting tired of them being shoved in our faces. But the primary reason is because the fans continue to ask for them.

Lets be clear on something. Sega will never truly understand what the fans want. They’re Japanese. SOJ has very little understanding of what Sonic fans (majority being American) really want. And on the negative side, Sonic fans lack the ability to articulate what the hell they really want out of Sonic games. And the excessive demands from fans are probably sending them to the very depths of whatever hell exists.

Pressure from (American) fans have to be driving SOJ insane. And this isn’t exclusive to Sonic. It turns out, American fans of many franchises make a lot of Japanese developers cranky as fuck. For example, Katsuhiro Harada of Tekken fame got pissed off after the overwhelming complaints from fans over voice actors. VOICE ACTORS! Who did that sound like before 2010?

Excessive fan demand is most likely one of the main reasons Japanese developers are starting to cater their games more and more toward Japanese audiences.

*chuckles* But seriously, this sequence plays out like a typical shounen anime.

If the Sonic fanbase is this crazy, how do you expect the company to appease them? You can’t. Some fanbases have to be ignored. And unfortunately, Sonic fans are primary in this case. They’ve absorbed the Cranky Gamer Culture much faster than most Nintendo fans. And the “save Sonic” habits are an outgrowth of CGS. In technicality, Sonic fans want to save Sonic but are contributing to his demise more than not. You cannot save a franchise by shouting out what you want on the internet. It’s been proven to not work!American fans have also proven to be incredibly hyper-sensitive if 1 entry (or 2 in this case) does not meet their demands or proves to be a massive disappointment. After that, fans seem to be in a perpetual state of confusion. They’re caught in a dilemma. They feel that something in the series has to be fixed or saved, and will never again be satisfied with any entry that comes afterward. Take Pokemon for instance. After Ruby and Sapphire, most fans hold steadfast that Pokemon is an old drek. A series devoid of any future potential because the creators refuse to innovate because of money (no shit sherlock). When things do not move into the fan’s preferred direction after several entries (90% of the time), they start becoming clinically insane. They make more excessive demands than what the creators intend. So to maintain fan wank, if I may, then every entry has to be perfect. If one game “sucks”, that is it for future games in a series. Do not even bother trying to recoup your losses with them. That relationship is finished. Just look at the Robocop fanbase. Nothing that comes out will ever be perfect like the first film has. Fuck, Prime Directives was a decent series, but it just wasn’t “Alex Murphy”, you know? The fans will actively EXPECT to be disappointed.  If Sonic’s appeal were to ever be maintained, Shadow the Hedgehog had no business being created. Because now the fans are fractured beyond repair. After 2 bad entries, fuck it. Don’t even listen to the fans anymore because by then, their articulatory capabilities have been hindered. Look on forums and see how Sonic fans can go on listing ways to improve the games but not a single mother fucking post would go into actual detail. There’s no point in the feedback. Just accept that you have already been turned off from the franchise and move on. Stop fucking it up for everyone else, essentially.Sonic doesn’t belong in this era. A series with no appeal cannot compete against Cranky Gamer Syndrome. Why bother? So you can remove them from shelves because of cranky reviewers? The very moment Sonic was on the road to ruin was the very moment that Sega started listening to the fans. Remember, it was a fan poll that led to Shadow the Hedgehog. The fans anyone should listen to are the ones that don’t speak. The fans that liked 2D Mario NEVER spoke up. When Nintendo made NSMBW, it was a smash hit in comparison to SMG2 (which everyone wanted desperately for the sake of art). The fans that are usually silenced on the internet are a much bigger majority than game companies think. And they are more so the key. The trick is figuring out what those fans want.That’s right. The gamers that are shunned and vilified on the internet are the very people game companies should listen to. Hey, it worked for the Wii. Nintendo listens to the fans, makes the Wii U, it flatlines way too early. The quiet ones are the only benefit to Sega at this point.After all, Silence is Golden.

The REAL Reason People Hate Sonic the Hedgehog 4

Sonic the Hedgehog was a character that became popular based on his appeal of high speed levels, attitude, and action. The the concept of becoming popular based on “well-designed gameplay” is a farce that many of today’s (hardcore) gamers liken to perform. Great gameplay has always been irrelevant to a person’s enjoyment of a video game. No one thinks of gameplay when they are playing a game. Their minds are focused on completing an objective in a game and having a fun time. If a person spends all his/her time thinking about the gameplay, then either 1 or 2 is at fault.

1. The game is flawed.

2. The person is actively seeking flaws.

Lets be clear. Sonic always had shallow gameplay. And this… doesn’t even matter.

Many (3) people have been reading thus far, those I assume are filled with either rage or glee in the mere suggestion that referring to Sonic’s gameplay as trite is but a severe criticism if not referring exclusively to the modern games. The question is… why should you care about the gameplay? Why should anyone? If you are going into every game you come across thinking about how well it plays, you are doin’ it wrong.

Sonic’s shallow gameplay was acceptable in the 90s because no one gave a shit. They LIKED the thrill of speed. They LOVED playing a cartoon animal with attitude. They LIKED the pinball levels using Sonic as the weapon. They didn’t give 5 shits about “gameplay”.

But now we exist in the modern era of the cranky gamer. Everyone is on edge. Everyone is more and more vindictive. Showing nothing more than their animosity toward almost every title that is released. We’re always thinking of how well something plays or how well the controls respond, or even how easy it is to focus the camera. We’re thinking so much about the game’s quality rather than whether or not we just have “fun” with it.

And yet, I am still baffled by this fucking movie!

Most of any gamer’s abnormal display of grievances can be linked to the celebrity status of “angry game reviewers”. The intoxicating desire of being worshipped by one’s peers is irresistible to many. How else would a gamer go from being some loser to an internet sensation than to create the persona of a cranky gamer?

But if the person fails on such an endeavor, 2 things can happen. The gamer abandons the mentality of the cranky gamer, or the mentality becomes the gamer.

See, when you have to constantly think of gameplay, more times than not, you’re going to be stressed out. Thinking is mental work. A video game is supposed to be a break from work. We all know the phrase “all work and no play”. A cranky gamer’s mind is permanently set to “on” for the majority of time he or she spends playing a game, constantly paying attention to all the details  of how well the mechanics mesh together. Even one imperfection is enough to send someone into a fit of rage. I’m sure some of you know of the incidents regarding a certain screen shot of an HD game being enough to decide “never buy” because it wasn’t “720p”. And this wasn’t even about gameplay!

We’ve become vindictive toward a piece of software.

When a person does not think about gameplay, that person’s mind is at ease. That person can only focus on his or her enjoyment. A mind at ease is in a state of relaxation. There is no stress on the mind. When a person has to constantly think about gameplay, stress is ensured. The only time one needs to think is when there is a problem to solve. If a gamer thinks 100% of the time, it is an abnormal condition. With all the stress of thought, the gamer is in a constant state of pessimism. Pent up rage that must be released. And the main culprit behind the rage will know his fury. Everything about the game comes under excruciatingly careful deduction. If the gameplay is not “perfect”, or close enough to match perfection, nothing is blind to him. The entire product must be destroyed.

Sonic’s gameplay is never perfect. It is shallow. Therefore, it must be destroyed.

A cranky gamer, who doesn’t fail at his endeavor to become an internet celebrity, will have this mindset as well as credibility from his celebrity status. And all celebrities, by nature, follow a significant pattern. They all repeat each other’s successes in hopes of gaining the same exact praise.

Sonic’s popularity in the video game world was damn near unmatched. He was loved by all, shunned by none. No one cared about his gameplay until his appeal waned with Shadow the Hedgehog. The concept of using a gun in a Sonic game was absolutely dreadful. The thoughts of “jumping the shark” crossed everyone’s minds. People were losing hope by the mere sight of a PP7. It was too much to even think about.

At this point, people still did not care about gameplay. But as soon as the gun appeared, Sonic had lost all appeal in an instant. With Sonic’s appeal destroyed, the opportunity of sensationalism had arisen. There is nothing more desirable for a sensationalist than to see a hero fall from grace, as it gives the sensationalist a purpose in life. And that purpose is to bring the hero further down into the pits of hell. The sensationalist justifies his defamation as a desire of the people to see conflict and chaos as it gives people amusement in their lives. People are, after all, attracted to a train wreck. With the cranky gamer mentality on the rise, the sensationalist behaviors baking inside, and with Shadow the Hedgehog, a game as a part of an incredibly popular franchise…

….You see where this goes.

Without Sonic’s appeal, there was no hope left. The spectacle was no longer effective. The cranky gamers descended upon him at every turn and corner. Before you knew it…

It must be destroyed

Bad publicity can alienate even the most open-minded of a potential fan. We are 7 years later, and people still believe the series has no hope left. And one would foolishly believe Sonic now has a place in this era? The era of the Cranky Gamer shares no real belief in spectacle.  If a game has no appeal, it has no opposition for the Cranky Gamer to oppose. If Zelda had no appeal, I can assure you that Skyward Sword wouldn’t receive even half the unwarranted praise it gained. Without appeal, Sonic stands no chance in this era. Only a fool would believe it could be saved. Even

Despite all of this, certainly, the fanbase would be there to show the Sonic series some…

….Was I… going to lie?

Sonic fans are the video game equivalent to Uncle Ruckus! What glory could they hope to achieve when they have been taught so righteously to despise the very object of their own fandom!? Everyday, I resist the urge to vomit at the fanbase’s supreme jealousy of other platforming series, especially Super Mario. It isn’t uncommon to come upon several sonic forums where they sing the praises of a rival mascot in favor of vilifying their own series. Fuck me. To hear such self-depreciating phrases such as “Sonic should be just like Mario”. Like what? Slow and more obsessed with solving puzzles!?

There is something troubling with a fanbase that feels the need to praise another franchise and defame their own. They speak in supreme jealousy of things like “consistency” and the like. I have never been so baffled at how BLIND Sonic fans can be if they cannot even begin to see the incredible differences between Super Mario Galaxy and Super Mario Brothers. Tell me, my audience of 3. What do you see here?

Clearly, the progress of this game is based on 2 things. The requirement of power-ups… and the ability to solve special puzzles/minigames to progress. Each small meteorite acts as a special minigame stage before progressing to the next meteorite.

What in Amma’s name makes you think this is anywhere similar to that of Super Mario Brothers!? You are not solving puzzles to progress or at the mercy of a mere powerup to progress either! Super Mario Brothers allowed you to progress without the need of such mediocre obstacles! Super Mario is NEVER about puzzles. And yet, Sonic fans idiotically believe these games are the same exact thing!?

Have Sonic fans been so dulled by years of Sonic’s shallow gameplay that they lack the mental capacity to actually examine the actual details of old and new? Why, then, do they know how to intricately pick apart the gameplay of their own series and depreciate it on such an eviscerating scale?

Because Mario still has appeal. This game clearly received praise based on it’s spectacle and not it’s merits. Because that looks trite as shit. Is it any wonder that Miyamoto complained that not many people bought SMG2 over NSMBW? And that LPer’s voice irritates me to no end.

Had Sonic Unleashed been made prior to the era of the Cranky Gamer, there would not be such a civil war on whether or not the game has merit. People slowly and surely began their self-depreciating pessimism toward Sonic Colors, and relapsed in the wake of Sonic Generations as well as Sonic 4. Had Sonic still had his appeal, Sonic 4 wouldn’t be so despised for “physics”, promises be damned. If Battletoads can be remembered so fondly despite playing like shit, Sonic 4 should not be an issue.

But that doesn’t matter. Sonic fans are a self-loathing lot. Years upon years of being told the object of their fandom is an empty void, an insect not worthy of a boot, they have come to believe that they themselves are deserving of the world’s scorn. Hell, they hate each other so much, they go to war over children’s drawings. As I’ve said before, when you love something, that something’s spirit is imprinted onto your very soul. So if that something is constantly mocked and ridiculed for the sake of sensationalism, you will feel an emptiness without cure.

Sonic has no appeal… or fan support! If there is a hell, this series has jumped right into it.

The REAL reason people hate Sonic the Hedgehog 3

“I had hoped to hear a bit more about how to strengthen it. I guess it’s just a No Hope For The Sonic Franchise feeling he has.”

…….Tis true, in a sense.

When you look at the history of the gaming environment at large, there is no point in making topics about “how to save/strengthen Sonic”. It’s the most pointless thing you can do.

What’s the idea behind the mantra of “Save Sonic?” To go on the internet and high-five each other on thinking each other’s “ideas” are good? It’s childish behavior. What progress does that do to intellectualize a solution when you have no real power to put it into action? Every gamer does this, and it tires the fuck out of me. Sonic fans, in the brink of their own insanity, are so convinced that Sonic is doomed that they come together in a collective sense to create an endless list of ways to save the franchise. Is it any wonder why people hate Sonic the Hedgehog on an even grander scale… when it’s own fanbase has no real hope in it?

The longevity and success of a series (any series) is only as strong as the support it gains. There’s no debating that the support for Sonic has waned greatly. And it’s strongly evident in it’s fanbase’s constant and overbearing desire to list ways of “saving” it. Saving it implies that the series is on the crash course to oblivion and is near death. That does not give any non-fans actual confidence in the strength of the franchise. You’re basically advertising how terrible the series is. Who wants to share the love of a video game franchise with people who can only come together in a collective sense by defaming it constantly and obsessively? There is a time for criticism, but that is not 100% of the time spending on video game discussion alone. Listing ways to “save Sonic” is doing nothing but a disservice and wasting everyone’s time.

And you know why? People spend more time talking about gameplay changes that could improve the series. That’s all well and great, but no one is talking about how to make it appealling.

Sonic sold based on his appeal (spectacle), not his gameplay. His gameplay is shallow. Ultimately, back in the 90s, this was acceptable, because no one gave 2 damns about gameplay. When you have to constantly think about gameplay, you’re not enjoying the game. So no one cared about Sonic’s gameplay. This allowed him to be one of the most popular characters of all time. Make no mistake. Good gameplay makes people stay for the sequels, but first impressions are more important than the overall gameplay.

Sonic’s core gameplay had no true focus, so he has to constantly sell based on appeal, or changing factors of his gameplay. The latter option is the primary means of “saving Sonic” if you will. But we know damn well nobody wants the gameplay to change! As soon as the fucking Werehog was announced, people immediately dropped their support. No ands, ifs, and buts about it. Gameplay be damned, nobody wanted shit to do with a hedgehog that could become Mr. FantastiHulk. So there’s no way of saving the series besides making him appealling again! And this task is fucking monumental! You cannot make a series appealing to a populas that derives pure pleasure from hating that series.

And you know why?

Strike 1

Shadow the Hedgehog again.

Sonic with guns was a concept with no appeal. And everyone from this point in time was thinking that Sega was absolutely insane with this decision. Everyone’s concept of Sonic was “…but not TOO edgy!”. One sudden change to the atmosphere of a franchise that was (sans Sonic Spinball and SA2) mostly kid friendly. But the thing was people were willing to forgive Sega for this minor oversight in favor of getting hyped up for…

Strike 2

Sonic 06 again

And everyone lost their shit upon playing it.

Now, there’s something very strange with this game. The Sonic Series has had bad games prior to this title. We’ve had 3D Blast, Spinball, Racing, Advance 3, Shuffle, and Battle. Hell, lets throw every gamegear game in existence into the pile. But none of these titles have garnered the franchise the kiss of death. It’s almost bizarre that with one title (or 2) that instantly, people’s hopes have been shattered beyond a reasonable doubt that Sonic was finished. Certainly, the game’s overall story, level progression, and dull gameplay aspects are all less than stellar (Sonic himself is literally out of character). But these issues were the least of everyone’s problems. No, these issues went beyond all of that. We had…

1. Multiple characters

2. Camera problems

3. Glitches

4. Load times

And all of these criticisms were blown into the very depths of disproportionate hell. Let me be clear. It is never impossible, almost inconceivable, to not be able to enjoy a video game that has these problems.  There are several games that have glitches, bad camera, and severe load times, some even worse than 06 (I’ve played Bomberman Act Zero, and I can’t see what the fuck they were loading if I’m playing on the same field with the same Bomber models and some randomly generated power ups). Yet 06 deserved very special attention due to horse shit reasons.

“It was his anniversary!”

“The hype!”

And despite all of this, I have played and watched others play the game with little to no problems with glitches. Fuck, most of the glitches in the game were more fun to tinker with than to decry. In fact, many gamers actively have more fun finding glitches in a game and exploits as well. Some have actually contributed to the evolution of gameplay designs. Where do you think modern combo systems in fighting games came from. It’s not unreasonable to find joy in a few glitches that occur in certain video games. 06 included. Camera issues? You mean the same ones that have plagued every action platformer in the history of mankind? Multiple characters? This is the most damning critique of all time. Why would one damn the ability to play more than one character not because of gameplay reasons but simply because they are present? You hear nothing about how they play, but you only hear about their mere presence.

Gamers were not at all focused on the gameplay. They weren’t even focused on the appeal. Something changed in everyone’s behavior. Disappointment was expected and noted. But no. People were focused on predation. Plain and simple. Something about Shadow was so damning and pervasive, it awakened a vindictive spirit within the minds and hearts of gamers, especially Sonic fans. And with 06, they unleashed their fury, and to this very day, this game is reviled for the same disproportionate reasons that pervaded the game since it’s release.

I suspect this had nothing to do with the game overall, but a primal craving was unleashed.

The technical problems can be blamed on 2 things. The game was rushed and Sonic team lacked experience with hardware that was in it’s infancy. Programming for the HD consoles is extremely taxing. Sonic Team’s programming skills were never really top notch when it came to Sonic games.

But you don’t give a shit. All you know is the game is shit, and nothing else.

The attitude amongst gamers is not exclusive to 06, but to a huge majority of video games. We have become so wrapped up in our animosity that we don’t give even simple games a chance anymore. We demand perfectionism. And a single imperfection is enough to earn our displeasure. And we crave displeasure. It allows us to really blow off steam for any kind of reason. We NEED something to defame. Reviewing video games and decrying them by overblowing their flaws to the point of absurdity gives us a source of empowerment and pleasure. We’ve become monsters even greater than those of the 90s. No game is safe. No… we must be “brutally honest” which is a mere excuse to be dishonest, yet brutal in our verbal massacre of a single video game.

And you know what? I can’t even put the blame on the gamers. The real culprits are here.

adam sessler and morgan manjaw.

X-Play is the primary reason gamers are truly “cranky”. Have you noticed that every gamer review you see on the net, the most popular ones are those rip games to shreds with no remorse or pity while trying to put on a show of bad jokes using the flaws of a game as an excuse? You can thank these 2 crackas for that shit. X-Play became more and more popular due to their increased focus on the defamation of video games. And gamers are like children who wish to emulate their childhood heroes. Given the strange increase in unfunny reviews over the internet, the dots can be easily traced to this series. Many people can look upon X-Play as a source of the most uncredible reviews on the face of the Earth. You cannot even describe them as reviews, but mere satire. And gamers hardly even listen to the actual details given, they just want to see something ripped to shreds.

X-Play has encouraged some of the worst behaviors seen amongst gamers today. The unhealthy desire to accentuate the negative aspects of video games is directly linked to a desire to be loved. Gamers, for the most part, lack actual achievements in their lives. I don’t care who you name. When they look at X-Play, or the Angry Video Game nerd, or Yahtzee Ben Croshaw, they see fame and celebrity status. And our society teaches us that fame is one of the most important goals in life at the expense of everything else.

“In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read.”

So when a gamer sees a chance to make themselves feel loved by their peers, the best way to do so is defame a video game franchise. And you know what? Sonic has been unfortunately chosen as the sacrificial lamb. The series appeal and popularity had already been washed away thanks to Shadow the Hedgehog, so they were ready and willing to spring on the next game in the series in hopes that official reviews will already share their predetermined views. It didn’t matter what Sonic game came next. Gamers needed Sonic so that they could be loved by how much they can unleash the dragon upon it. Americans have no self-control when it comes to bullshittin.

In order to prosper, someone has to suffer. Such is the law of the world when governed by a culture of dominance and w— supremacy.

With the current state of gamers as it is, in their collective mindset of being willfully cranky, what in the depths of your naivete makes you think Sonic can be saved? You would be so arrogant as to suggest that there is hope left? Sonic games barely make a profit for Sega anymore! It is a series that has no appeal left in it’s battered body. You’re better off making shoddy fan-games for yourself and friends. If you really want to save Sonic, get off the internet, learn something about making and selling a game, and go straight to Sega of Japan themselves and advertise your skills. Going on message boards and making a damn list of ideas you think would improve the series is a waste of time. Waiting for Sega to make a game and request your input has been proven to be a waste of time.

If you honestly want to save Sonic, then try getting some power and influence in the industry. Show these mother fuckers that you’re actually serious about wanting to save the franchise. If not, SOJ has every reason to ignore you and continue being dumb asses as usual. And we know damn well that’s just gonna happen anyway!

To reverse the state of the series’s reputation is only possible through a reboot. That’s by waiting a few years when people have already forgotten their bad tastes, allowing some planning time to occur, and releasing a fresher game. But even that isn’t an option! Sega would have to make other games and profit off of them for funding. And because Sega does not advertise anything, all of their other games are unknown to people, they flop, and that’s more wasted money. The games they DO advertise are already outdone by games with more appeal. Monster Hunter dominates Phantasy Star Online. Tekken dominates Virtua Fighter. Sega is out of ammo, and to make up for their losses, they have to continuously make product that sells. And that is Sonic the Hedgehog! He’s being leveraged to keep the company afloat! And because Hajime Satome keeps losing profits, they have to continue doing this process! There’s literally no way out.  It would take a miracle to “save Sonic” because no one has faith in the franchise anymore. The cranky gamers and Sonic fans have effectively conveyed the message that Sonic is shit. No one bothers to scrape the surface of the series besides a global minority that is constantly shrinking.

The REAL reason people hate Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Let me be clear on certain things. I might’ve given the wrong impressions from the original posting.

In no way do I hate the Sonic series. But in order to actually look at the quality of the games, you need to forgo your own love for the games to see exactly what is wrong. My favorite title in the series will forever be Sonic CD, but the game is horrendously short, too damn easy, has the worst special stages I have ever seen, and the final boss is a joke (really Robotnik? You’re just gonna throw a gyro machine at me? That’s something that should’ve been a regular boss fight!). And instead of fighting Metal Sonic, you race him instead, and this was one of the more tedious aspects of the game overall. But dat music and ability to alter the stages by your own accord…. great shit right there.

This isn’t fucking unheard of. Lots of people have the mental capacity to look at their favorite titles and analyze why people may find dissatisfaction with them. It’s not an issue of people hating their favorite games. You cannot hate something you like.

When you look back at the original titles, and compare Sega’s (mostly successful) attempts at returning to their roots, people are not impressed. I’m not talking about Sonic 4 Ep.1. I’m talking about Sonic Advance 1. This game is mostly forgotten. And yet, this is the most accurate game that pertains to Sonic’s “roots” persay. But everyone was more in-tuned with Sonic Rush, proclaiming it to be the greatest Sonic game ever. It didn’t resemble a damn thing about Sonic’s roots aside from being in 2D. Gameplay-wise, there’s no real comparison. And yet many people mistakenly believe that Sonic Rush was a true return to Sonic 3 and Knuckles. How, I have no idea, but I suppose it’s the same reason people believe that Super Mario Galaxy is a game that sticks closely to Mario’s roots. That is a damn lie! People do not know how to define the actual roots of their video game characters if this is the case.

But I digress. The popularity of Rush gave way to the “lol boost spam” trend going on with the latest main 3 Sonic games. And as far as I’m concerned, people have already gotten tired of that.

Sonic’s gameplay, regardless of how many improvements or improvisations or innovations, get old fast. We can talk about how much we love certain games in the franchise, but considering the case with Sonic Advance and Sonic Colors, both games that narrowed down what people loved about Sonic’s core gameplay, I’m convinced that Sonic’s overall fun factor is unsustainable. As I’ve said before, Sonic sold based on spectacle. Nothing else besides that. More people go back to NSMB2 than they would for Sonic 4. And it’s not even about quality. Damn near everyone shit talks the NSMB series as if it’s the second coming of satan! And yet they still run to it in droves! Sonic will never have that kind of momentum regardless of what Sega does with him. The reason the boost gameplay will probably never leave was because Sonic Rush was the most successful game of this era, and yet people are already getting sick of it. There is no sustainability. Sega MUST continue to improvise or else sales will continue to decrease.

Why do they need to keep improvising while Nintendo can get away scott free with doing the same things over and over? NSMB is considered shallow but there is no… debating that people want that shit over Sonic 4. Again, not about quality. Otherwise, Sonic Advance would’ve been considered more of a footnote in Sonic’s history. Instead, it is forgotten, while Sonic Rush is more so “the shit”. And even it’s sequels couldn’t do anything. Even Sonic Rush was unsustainable in that regard!

The only REAL conclusion to this all is that there is something inherently wrong with Sonic’s core gameplay. We can talk about quality all we want to, even a GOOD Sonic would not sell well enough. We can talk about bad reputation, but franchises have ALWAYS managed to bounce back and deliver something entertaining (as has Sonic). This goes beyond all of that rhetoric. Sonic’s original concepts and designs must be at fault. And we can’t really say that because Sonic’s original intentions are, and have always been, to show off the power of the Genesis.

Now, I’m not fully convinced Sega (of Japan) really intended on Sonic being the rival mascot of Mario. Here are the reasons. SOJ is not intelligent enough to create a character that could compete with Mario. They have made countless bad decisions through out their entire career. The idea of Sonic being Mario’s rival falls squarely on the shoulders of Tom Kalinski. He is the person who suggested that they had to REALLY compete against Nintendo. One idea was to pack in Sonic 2 with the genesis. SOJ thought this was a TERRIBLE IDEA! Now, lets look at this clearly.  If you have a company mascot, and you were serious about competing your mascot against another, you would let people know your mascot was important to you and your gaming device. And a part of that reasoning would be to include a game featuring that mascot packed in with the initial purchase of the game console. If SOJ really cared about Sonic, they would have taken Tom’s advice. But they thought he was an idiot for this idea. The results being that SOJ gets frustrated that the Megadrive blunders while the Genesis thrives. A partial reasoning to that was because of the success of Sonic the Hedgehog. Sega hardly ever made games that appealed to people on the Genesis outside of Sonic. Hell, Yuji Naka moved his development offices to America just to work on Sonic 2! Sonic was more important to the West than he was to Japan.

Another reason I feel they didn’t care was the overall confusion people had to Sonic’s own universe. It honestly took SOJ 8 years before they could make an official universe surrounding the mythos of Sonic the Hedgehog. Since then, we’ve had 2 shows, a comic, some mangas, and an OVA, all with severely different universes and content. The Super Mario Bros. cartoon, the Mega Man cartoon, and fuck, even Earthworm Jim did had an overall picture of what the game’s universes had. All Sonic media made us damned CONFUSED as to Sonic’s own story and universe. And no, we can’t say those productions were outside of Sega’s control. Sega has FINAL SAY over every production or adaptation of their own IP’s that come out. We all know Capcom doesn’t give a damn about a game’s universe, which is why everyone hates their cartoons. Sega didn’t give a fuck at all! So America, Europe, and Japan all had different storylines and universes all because Sega themselves did not make a coherent storyline, or actually work hard on ensuring the game adaptations that came out weren’t so cock-smashingly in-cohesive.

We spend so much time listening to what the developers say instead of looking at what is being done. Lets be clear and honest on one thing, my audience of 3. Japanese game developers are the BIGGEST LIARS you will ever know or see. They lie through the teeth. You can see this with Capcom and Nintendo as they try to put spins on every decision they make. Look at Street Fighter X Tekken. And the DLC fiasco that erupted over 12 characters being on the disc and Capcom not telling a soul. Or promising RE5 for Wii if UC and RE4 sold well? Or how about suggesting that no one had interest in MML3!? How Iwata’s constant mantra of people not buying Wii U’s because “no one gets it?”. Or that people don’t buy their games because of a lack of accessibility? These are all lies to cover their asses! Japanese developers cannot help but lie habitually! Sega has lied about Sonic 06 being a return to Sonic’s roots. They lied about promising the physics for Sonic 4. They lied about not having enough space to include Knuckles Chaotix in Sonic gems collection. Why in the fuck would I trust them with the claims of wanting Sonic to be their mascot when the very person that made it a reality is VILLIFIED in Segagaga instead of praised!?

I have ZERO reason to believe that Sonic was intended to be anything other than a tech demo for blast processing. And everyone can see this with how Sonic games are factory produced to make back their losses on projects they actually cared about. There’s no doubt that there is more work put into Phantasy Star Online 2! And this isn’t a BAD thing, but who honestly gives a shit about Phantasy Star Online when Monster Hunter is dominating it’s ass on all markets!?Looking at Sega’s behavior is more evident than their words. Looking at Sonic’s history, Sonic 1 was clearly intended to be a demonstration of the Genesis power and capabilities. The very thing that made Sonic unique has little to do with core gameplay. Core gameplay was not at all the major focus of Sonic! And that is what is inherently wrong with the gameplay. There… was… no…. focus in the very beginning. The major people that legitimately gave a damn about improving Sonic’s gameplay…. are all gone! Iizuka, as far as I’m concerned, isn’t cutting it!Mario games (no matter how shit the 3D ones are) continue to be popular because it’s origins in gameplay had a clear focus. Zelda had a clear focus. Mega Man, even though he’s faltered, had a clear focus. Castlevania had a clear focus (that… no one really liked). Starfox had a clear focus. Sonic!? Well, you get assholes that don’t even know how to define Sonic’s core gameplay. Is it about Speed or platforming!? Is it both!?There was no focus in Sonic’s core gameplay. It was done to show off hardware and nothing more. When Sonic got popular is when developers starting focusing on improving Sonic. But the only thing they could improve on was the thrill of his speed (and giving us Knuckles, that I will admit). Because his speed was his main selling point. His gimmick. That gimmick doesn’t work this day in age! People quickly get tired of the roller coaster aspects of current Sonic games. The gimmick of speed is no longer truly appealing.Now, lets look at this in a different light.
This came from a guy I know at work, btw. Not exactly my own thoughts.Go back and play Sonic 1. There are a million ways you can access Sonic 1, Sega released this game about a million butt-fucking times now, you really have no excuse.What do you see in this game?What you see is basic action platforming. Levels have enemies and obstacles that you must get through to make it to the end of the stage. Only you could do it “faster”. There was never a massive boost in speed until Sonic 2. So what was the deal with Sonic 1? It was really not about “high speed”. It was just supposed to be a much faster platforming game with pinball physics. All of this was done to show off the power of the Genesis’s faster processor. Even though the games still had slowdown (hah). Thing is back then, Sega’s problem is exactly the problem Sony and Microsoft had with the PS3 and 360, and even the Neo Geo. They all wanted to advertise console power. Console power has never been a reason to buy a console. The games are always going to be the main reason.Sonic 1 was just a fun game. Shallow and devoid of any real focus, but a fun game nonetheless. But in the western world, Sonic’s speed was promoted in a most disproportionate manner.

He’s the fastest thing aliiiiiiiiiiive!

Americans are… extremely…. simple-minded people. They see one thing about any portion of media… and disregard everything else in favor of the one thing they notice. And the main thing they noticed about Sonic was his speed. So Sonic’s games became more about his speed than anything. Well, for the most part anyway. We did get one Sonic game due to the popularity of Casinopolis zone.

NOT… DA DRAGON!

But see, this created a problem. Because Sonic’s speed was advertised mercilessly, that’s all people could think of when it came to Sonic. So instead of thinking about Sonic in terms of being a faster Mario or Mega Man, we thought of him as D.C.’s the Flash. So level design in Sonic games would have these small sections dedicated to just watching him go. You don’t really control those sections, you just… watch him go! Sonic’s gameplay started becoming more about showing off than otherwise. Watching him go became… the reward of Sonic games almost. But the overall gameplay was no longer important. We just had to watch him go!

This was Sonic’s blessing and curse. Sonic became extremely popular for his “super speed”, rather than being just a faster action platformer. Mainly due to the methods used to advertise Sonic’s appeal. And America is the king of deception when it comes to advertising. So we believe that Sonic is all about speed because we’ve been TOLD that a million butt fucking times. So now it’s like… he must live up to that. What has happened was that you programmed a consumer’s thoughts into a process that locks them into believing a linear concept. We already know how much the Sonic fans bitch about just wanting Sonic to go back to being “just Sonic running to the goal”. Because we’ve been taught that that is all that Sonic is about. So he can’t go outside of the linear concept set before the fans of the series. Otherwise, they earn displeasure.

The problem with that is the fans want the return of essentially a gimmick! That gimmick of super speed is harming the franchise! And American marketing is ultimately to blame.

Americans have a bad habit of running shit into the ground. They essentially milk a cow till it bleeds all for the sake of quick and easy money. We’ve seen it with pokemon. We’ve seen it furby. We’ve seen it with Twilight. And we damn sho seen it with that fucking Gundam Style song! So looking at Sonic’s condition of his super speed, it’s been bled dry. Americans have no self-control when it comes to trends, as they overdo it until it’s no longer special. Look at the state of the industry and the severe amount of shooting games.

Sonic is trends personified. Sonic Rush is popular, boost gameplay is overdone. Shadow is popular, Shadow is overdone. Classic Sonic is popular, Classic cash-ins are overdone. Sonic can only truly appeal to the West. And the Japanese are full of stereotypes. So flooding Americans with the same shit over and over again seems to be the best strategy. But it is clearly not working!

Sonic is a product of the 90s, and may never gain a foothold in today’s market ever again.

 

The REAL reason people hate Sonic the Hedgehog

Because this game is no match for you… or babies for that matter.

Since everyone criticizes me for being a “Sonic fanboy” (since to be in favor of Sonic games is to earn God’s displeasure), I often wondered deeply about why Sonic gets such massive hate that it does today. We all attribute it to Sonic 06 and Shadow and Unleashed. But most would agree that at least Unleashed was a step in the right direction, along with Colors and (in some cases) Generations. That’s all fine and dandy, but Sonic’s shit reputation is as pervasive as Capcom’s greed. It never dies.

So what if Sonic was never truly loved, and his popularity was just based on hype?

Time to show you how deep the hedgehog hole goes.

Now, this to me is heresy based on me being (lol) a fanboy. There are at least 2-3 things I can see as being wrong with the franchise.

1. Too short, too easy

2. Lack of emergent gameplay

3. Origins as a tech demo.

Now, believe you and me, everytime a new Sonic game comes out, we always have ways of detecting something is wrong with the titles now. But the main thing with Sonic games is that it’s core gameplay was never really loved by the masses. People just enjoyed the thrill of speed the games offered. That was a novelty concept back then. It no longer matters today because standards have been set too high for it be relevant. Sega themselves knows this, which is why they came out with so many different genres and crammed them all into one game yearly. Of course, we ALL know how that turned out (several times), but as soon as the layers are pulled off, people start to see more and more that Sonic games were probably were never that good, or Sega still hasn’t been able to 100% capture the essence of the old games.

Despite actually succeeding with the extras.

For instance, Sonic Colors is probably the only modern Sonic title to take out all of the “unnecessary bullshit” of previous Sonic games. And yet, people still hate it. At least after it’s release. This is more than likely due to the game being faaar too fucking easy. Of course, this is par the course for almost every sonic game that’s not on the game gear. Sonic 1 remains to be probably the hardest Sonic title in terms of that god damned labyrinth zone, but that’s aside the point. The levels in this game in particular are very short. And with that length comes to how easy the game is overall. This is a recipe for disaster. You cannot have a short game be simplistic to the point that you yawn your way through all 6 worlds. You just can’t. People had this problem with NSMBW even though that game is much longer. To balance out length, you need challenge. This is why Zelda is shit now. The games are long NOT because of challenge, but because of mediocre fetch quest padding disguised as game length. Sega, however, doesn’t even try to make the game longer. They put it out as is and say “go for it”. But this is probably because they tried the fetch quest strategy in Unleashed and everyone got pissed off about it.

This, however, is a problem that Sonic games have had for a long time. Most are short and easy. The only challenge comes from unconventional and tedious gameplay styles that seem illogical in the long run. For example, every final boss fight that involves Super Sonic have been some of the most tedious and frustrating elements ever. It’s always this bullshit time limit combined with badly design shmup levels in which you have to avoid getting hit by some stupid obstacle while collecting rings (which are half the time obscured by the chaos of the levels themselves, which isn’t helped thanks to them ring supply being stripped away from you after hitting the boss enough). Outside of that, the games usually depend on bullshit to be challenging (Sonic 4’s water boxes for example, or Advance 3’s total lack of good level design, or the rampant amount of glitches). And without the bullshit, the games are just too easy!

There’s also a lack of emergent gameplay. IE all the levels feel too “samey”. I know I’m not the only who feels all Sonic levels go in a flow chart of themselves.  Some parts, you go through some areas, fight some enemies, then you hit a speeder and just…. watch him go. Rinse and repeat. All Sonic games are like this in some way. And the problem is Sega has yet to change this pattern. This is why everyone claims Sonic games feel shallow, because they’re all virtually repetitive. The levels only “look” different. Admittedly, the only time this changes up is when the games are in 2D, and unfortunately it’s not by much these days. Sonic 4 had emergent gameplay and it’s absolute shit! So when they do have emergent gameplay, the games become frustrating. And when they don’t, they become boring and repetitive script fests.

I suppose this is the main reason everyone loves Sonic 3K more than anything else given it’s got emergent gameplay, despite being veeeerry easy, even more than Sonic CD (the king of emergent gameplay in Sonic titles). But when Sega seems to do it these days, it’s far more tedious than it needs to be. But even back then, despite the water levels, the Sonic games suffered from a rinse and repeat pattern where the Act 1’s are no different from the Act 2’s. Most of the time, the emergent gameplay is a mere aesthetic change for the sake of spectacle and awe. Things just seem to happen for the sake of happening. Essentially, Sonic games (since Sonic 3) have been about things that are every bit as wrong about the state of the industry today. It’s all about spectacle-driven, scripted gameplay.

Now, when you look at why Sega put in elements in Sonic games that feel “un-Sonicy”, it’s easy to see why. Because the core aspect of Sonic’s roots have been pure spectacle. A spectacle, in this sense, is an event that is memorable for the appearance it creates.

Let me repeat that. Sonic games from back in the Genesis days are memorable for the appearances that they created. The main reason Sonic was so popular was the appearance of being cool. As well as the main selling point for the games were having high speed gameplay. That has been Sonic’s gimmick as well as his curse. Sonic doesn’t really have a type of gameplay that could be codified as “conventional” or even natural. In order to show off his speed, the games have to depend on spectacle. The old Genesis games didn’t allow you to go faster than a speeding bullet unless certain portions of the level allowed you to do so. Sonic 2’s chemical plant zone would only allow you to go for incredible speeds via steep hills or high speed sections initiated by speeders. But that was not a core aspect of Sonic’s “gameplay”. You just sat there and watched it. You don’t “play” with Sonic’s speed, rather you sit there and watch it in awe. So really, Sonic wasn’t even about speed. That was, one could say, a reward for going through a level, just to see Sonic go faster than a speeding bullet.

This was the gimmick that many action platformers had. Mega Man had you choose your stages and steal enemy weapons, Rocket Knight allowed you fly over high cliffs, Ray Man was just basically Vectorman, and Bubsy the Bobcat…. cured your insomnia. Sonic was just really fast, but if you remember correctly, you could get punished for going fast anyway. So Sonic games have always punished you for doing what the game promised what you could experience. High speed gameplay.

Given that this is the case, Sonic games lack emergent gameplay because… well, fans demand it. This leads to Sonic Colors and Generations both being “shallow games” even though everyone claims they are well designed. A well designed game does not get boring after you complete it. It’s hard for many Sonic fans to go back and play ONE modern Sonic game because of how the games are structured. Fuck, it’s actually hard for most people to go back and play the old games from time to time. Why? Because the games are about spectacle. Plain and simple. You can see that now with Unleashed, Colors, and Generations. The games look amazing, honestly with speed of the levels, but they all amount to rollercoaster thrill rides. Once you’ve rode on one, it’s not fun afterward. And Sonic games have not been able to move beyond this spectrum at all. Even with differing gameplay styles which people hate to death. And honestly, people only hated it to death after 06. But lets not get into that, I think people ripped that game’s ass to shreds enough as it is.

Even if the robot designs are trite shit.

And I’m afraid this will not change. And I think the main reason is that…. Sega doesn’t at all like Sonic either.

I honestly don’t think Sega likes the Sonic series, mostly because of the whole Genesis/Megadrive wars going on with senior cracka Kalinske, but more so because Sonic was only ever supposed to be a tech demo for the power of the Mega Drive. Sonic’s entire concept was about showing off. SPECTACLE of the hardware present at the time. But given that Sonic became a lot more popular in the West (being the bigger market than Japan), SOJ had to make more games to gain more profits.  Sega was probably in a ditch. How do you make a universe surrounding a character you had no real intention of turning into a series!? If you played or heard about this one dreamcast game “segagaga”, it feels like Sega’s internal feelings about their gaming business all comes out in the open. And it seems to take a lot of pity on Alex the Kidd and how he laments about being usurped as Sega’s potential mascot due to the popularity of Sonic the Hedgehog in the west. As much as I’ve heard, Sonic was never really that popular in Japan, and given the failure of the Mega Drive, this is most likely the case. A developer’s internal feelings have ways of creeping into video games when you least expect it.

ffffffffffuuuuuuu-

Tameem’s feelings on old Dante was inputted into DmC’s tutorial level where new Dante tries on a wig and says “not in a million years” suggesting the old Dante just wasn’t “cool”. Likewise, Phantom Hourglass, you have an NPC that says “even though the touch controls seem funny, I can’t see myself without them”, essentially saying “the controls are perfect, shut the fuck up”. Also, there’s a part in Super Paper Mario (I think) where a quiz question says “I like complaining about games I’ve never played”.

Now, Nintendo is no stranger to warping the reality of their critics, and half the time they bullshit about the critiques of their games. They’ve been doing this since the early 90s. Check the bottom right corner for the email “baby get back” for the mind fuck of Nintendo’s arrogance.

Developer’s have a strong tendency to unconsciously let their audiences know how much they despise certain things in the world. In the world of Sonic, we can see that Sega really wanted Alex Kidd to be their mascot, otherwise the piece of shit wouldn’t have cameos. Honestly, the Alex Kidd games were some of the most atrocious games you could ever find. And SOJ is the king of bad decisions in the industry, to this very day. They MUST feel somewhat bitter about Sonic’s popularity. Not even for business reasons, they did not want to include Sonic 2 pre-packed with the Genesis.

Sonic’s only purpose was to show off hardware capabilities. The problem now is that Sonic became bigger than what he was supposed to be. Sega only saw Sonic as a spectacle showcase. And because of their original intent, they don’t… honestly know how to move Sonic beyond that without tampering with his old gameplay conventions (which weren’t much, really). And if they do that, people will have a bitch fit. So Sega… can’t do shit.

Sonic’s major problem was that he should’ve taken the place of Streets of Rage. The purpose of a tech demo really is just that. To show off Sega’s hardware. But because Sega makes no hardware, Sonic’s purpose has become non-existent. He really has no place here now, and as such, the franchise is more than ever forced to compete with other action platformers on consoles outside of Sega’s control. Sonic has no place to call home. His major gimmick was based purely on spectacle. But too many games this generation alone have that gimmick. They out do Sonic in spectacle alone. So these demonstrations, new hedgehog engines and what not…. what’s the point!? It’s not gonna look half as cool as all the other games (or pieces of graphical shiny shit) out on the market. All you can really do is try to focus on decent action platforming gameplay that is not steeped in Scripted bullshit or puzzles. And the funny thing is…. Sonic Colors’s egg simulator levels (the mostly 2D ones) are pretty much a foundational starting point to going through this route. But you can tell by Sonic 4 (both episodes) that they don’t want to do this either!

The honest to Amma truth about Sonic’s “hatedom” is that standards are higher now than they were in the 90s. Action Platformers need to focus on good gameplay rather than spectacle. And Sonic’s entire concept, that the fucking clinically insane crackas we wrongfully call the “fanbase” c continue to demand from Sega… is pure spectacle! And Spectacle is actually the main thing killing the industry! Too many developers are focusing on showing off the technology or their deep-seated creativity that nobody gives a fuck about, and the results being games that only have a short burst of fun that will soon be traded in for something that’s much better. The fucked up thing is that Sonic games have ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS! They are pure fucking spectacle, and dammit, they need to move away from that! But because Sega is just as stupid as Nintendo, they don’t know how to do so. But the answer is simple. They have to get away from the spectacle of being a high speed platformer. But to do so would be to earn the scorn of the fans. Well shit, you already have their scorn, you can’t do much worse than that!

The problem with traditional Sonic gameplay is that it is unconventional and illogical for modern gaming. One reason is due to coop. Most 2D action platformers nowadays have some form of coop that is functional and workable. But the main reason behind that is because the games do not rely on high speed action. New Super Mario Bros., the new Kirby games, Ray Man origins. Not counting DKCR because the coop in that game is shit. But then you have SOnic. The way coop was done back then (and can only ever be done in Sonic) was to make Player 2 invincible. But since Sonic is too goddamn fast, Player 2 gets left behind… a lot. This is actually bad design, but it’s the only way coop can work for traditional Sonic gameplay (believe me, it fails on Colors by requiring the players be near each other). Well what about split-screen or online coop?

Well… shit… why the fuck not!?

Because Sega is stupid. Also, someone might excuse this by saying “well how do you do split screen without slowdowns!?”.

It’s not a bad point. Sonic Heroes and Shadow both had split screen vs modes, but were both reduced to about 30 fps. Even today, you’ve got Sengoku Basara 3 going down in fps because of splitscreen. And considering most gamers are tech nerds that bitch about the slightest imperfections, and that the action platformers of today have coop without splitscreen (someone is bound to be pissed at that anyway), splitscreen coop is going to be a thing of the past. Plus, the rampant increase of anti-social gamers has become so prevalent that only online coop will suffice. But then there’s the possibility of lag and desync! Eh, w/e.

Having a series based on pure spectacle and not actual gameplay is not going to work out very well in an age where damn near every game is about spectacle. When you turn a video game  into a virtual experience, you sacrifice the element of challenge so that gamers can “experience the magic” if you will. And Sonic is all about Spectacle and not much else. If Sega actually tries to put some actual gameplay into the series, the stupid ass fans will decry it. Sonic is not supposed to exist with modern day gaming. Modern gamers have higher standards now. Sonic’s gameplay is not high standard. And to please the fans, it cannot be anything but spectacle. To “show off”. Do we not have enough pretentious games on the market now? If Sonic tries to be anything than what he is, he will be hated. If Sonic continues to be what he is, he will be hated.

Sonic is not supposed to exist now. Especially as a third party game character. The origins of a game cannot be removed for the rest of the series. Sonic was loved one because he was another competitor’s answer to Super Mario. That was Sonic’s other purpose since his conception! To be foil to Mario madness! How in the fuck are you supposed to live up to your concept if you are working with your enemy!? Sonic cannot co-exist with Mario unless it is in direct competition with him. And that direct competition came from having a console brand with a mascot to represent. Without direct competition and a console brand to call home, there is very little that is significant with Sonic these days besides spectacle showcases. And that does not do the job of breaking that bread! At least in our current economic environment. People want actual meat to the game. And if Sonic is an action platformer, it does a poor job of being that. It has to rely on it’s spectacle to bring people in. And no one is impressed anymore. A part of the Sonic “experience” was that it was exclusive AWAY from Nintendo’s brand games. If you wanted Sonic, you had to give up on Mario. This allowed Sega to take money away from Nintendo, Sony, and the like. Now that Sonic is on Nintendo consoles, you’re giving Nintendo more money than ever before. Sony and Microsoft!? Sony shouldn’t even be on Sega’s list of developers to cooperate with. And Microsoft is going to destroy gaming with their desires to monetize every god damn thing in existence. How the fuck are you going to charge people money to have more people present in the same room while using Kinect devices!?

Sega should just stick to PC for all I care. That said, the main reason behind Sonic’s hatred is that his entire concept, everything that Sonic is about, is no longer acceptable in this era. Platformers need challenging and emergent gameplay. Sonic rarely has that. Platformers need substance in level design. Sonic NEVER had that. Platformers (if they’re going to have coop) should have a system that is accustomed to having 2 or more players. And, yes, Sonic never really had that either. Sonic cannot compete if he tried. In order to do that, you would have to reboot the franchise and make it something other than Sonic. And you can’t do that without scaring away goddamned everyone. The only way for people to love Sonic anymore is to honestly kill off the franchise and forget everything after Adventure 2 ever happened, because change is ultimately a bad thing for Sonic, or even making the games a little difficult is ultimately bad for Sonic. You cannot have divergent gameplay else you earn scorn. You cannot have traditional gameplay without being shallow.

Ultimately, people have no concept of what Sonic’s gameplay is because the only thing people saw about Sonic was the spectacle. And now that it’s gone or old and tired, there’s nothing special about Sonic anymore! It’s the same case with Final Fantasy 7. It sold because of the spectacle of rendered cutscenes and everyone thinking that’s how FF7 actually looked. Years all after the fact, FF7 ain’t shit anymore. And no matter how many times Greednix makes an adaptation to FF7, it’s going to continue to be perceived as pointless drivel. The hatred isn’t about bad gameplay nowadays because people legitimately believe Sonic Colors and Generations have good gameplay, but they find them boring. It doesn’t matter what Sega does right so as long as the gameplay remains just as shallow as it’s always been.

I’ve talked to a guy about this several times now, the Sonic series cannot constantly venture back to it’s roots because the roots are not the key to success if those roots were never the greatest things ever. Castlevania doesn’t need to go back to it’s roots, it just needs to improve on it’s current concepts (NOT LORDS OF SHADOW!). The mentality Sega needs is not so much going back to their roots, they have to BEAT their roots!

Sega has to constantly reinvent the Sonic gameplay to keep it interesting. People are getting sick and tired of the “hit boost to win” gameplay as it stands now. So what else can they do with the Sonic concept? Well, giving back our damn characters would be nice! Stop listening to these dumbass fanboys and let me play fucking Knuckles again! And not the Olympics! And not Sonic Rivals! Give me a Knuckles that can Fly! Climb! Dig! Shit like that! Don’t give me this universal bullshit gameplay standard by making every character a palette swap! It’s like weed, give me the raw shit and not the cut!

And give him some tribal dreads too!

2 crackas talk about the Wii U

lol.

No really, Nintendo has lost this “console war” before it even started.

First the 3DS and now the Wii U. Nintendo killed themselves so fast after the success of the Wii and DS! What the hell happened?

EA, once again proving just how greedy they are.

EA putting microtransactions in future games.

Of course, everyone hates EA, so I’m sure I won’t be getting shat on for this post. But I do believe EA is driving themselves further into their own grave.

I’ve heard of all the financial troubles (mostly their own fault) but FUCK! They’re turning into Ntreev.

For those that don’t know, Ntreev is the MMO localizer infamous for doing everything possible to get your money. If that means destroying their licensed MMOs. Look no further than Trickster and mother fucking Grand Chase if you needed an idea of how fucked up those games are.

Now, I haven’t been in the gaming loop to know what the flying sausage hell Dead Space 3 is but… “pay to win”!? That sounds exactly like Grand Chase. Because I could remember clearly all the cashers not giving a shit what dungeons threw at them. They would rape everything to crumbs without even thinking! If this is what goes on in Dead Space 3, then hell, EA might as well file for bankruptcy and get the fuck out of the industry before they piss everybody off.

The difference between Ntreev and EA is that Ntreev is very well known, and fans of their licensed games have a tendency to be the “gotta support the devs” group. You know, the pretentious “businesses have to make money, you selfish bastard!” people who would give BP the time of day needed to fuck the Earth up.

Drip, drip, drip!

So, Ntreev has a plethora of dumbasses who worship the religion of capitalism to the point that they are willing to get ripped off if it means the company makes money.

EA doesn’t have braindead morons….. unless they like football. Oh wait, you’ll have o pay to use new teams! Well fuck that fanbase!

EA has been getting a bad rep, and rightfully so! After the desecration of my precious Timesplitters Series, they can fuck right off!

IT’S TIME TO SPLIT!? …….No.

Seriously, what the fuck is Future Perfect!? Reload animations, a try hard at humor storyline that makes no sense, pointless gore, crappy music, shitty multiplayer maps, COMPLETELY FUCKED UP THE MAP MAKER! And to top it off, the shit with these monkeys are not even funny, clever, or cute! It’s just obnoxious! Time Splitters 2 was the new GoldenEye 64, fuck this Future Perfect shit! And for that alone, EA gains my eternal scorn!

And to know that many share my thoughts about at least one developer warms my balls.

Now, the idea of microtransactions reminds me of how college works. You pay money for a “service”. They dictate that service to you, they have the ability to keep you paying for the service based on your performance, and when you’re finished with the service, it’s not guaranteed that you’ll get what the service says it could provide you with. In this case, actual fun factor. I’m confident that alot of EA games are ones where players would shelve after at least a week’s worth of game time considering that SO MANY GAMES this generation alone have been some of the most lifeless experiences of all time. Just imagine a lifeless video game that actively sucks the life out of your pocket book?

$60 dollars for games, and paying extra to unlock more content (or win, apparently) is bullshit. I didn’t think it was possible, but gaming won’t be exclusive to “casuals” or “hardcores”. No, it’s going to be exclusive to rich people. And this is actually quite dangerous for fans of video games period. Video games started off as entertainment that anyone could jump right into. Hop in a car and head down to the arcade, that’s how it started out. But gradually over time, it’s now costing over $600 just to get the entertainment of sitting in front of your tv just to play one fucking video game that you won’t play after the first week or so. And with microtransactions, it’s just another means of bleeding people dry.

And you know that’s where the industry wants to go when people like Cliff Blesi…w/e defends microtransactions. Lets get something straight, cliffy. Had EA been the owner of a viable braincell, they wouldn’t have to resort to shit like this in the first place. Last I checked, in-game content of video games didn’t need to be payed for after the initial damn purchase. You had to NOT SUCK! And developers managed to get by with that practice for years until capitalistic greed settled in. You see any microtransactions going on in NSMBW!? Fuck no! And that game kicked the shit out of the 2009 holiday season! And not a single ounce of DLC needed to shred some cheese off that bitch.

Leave it to a cracka to sing the praises of capitalism. I don’t know where people get this idea that being tied to an “industry” or “business” gives people the excuse to find any fucking way imaginable to ass rape customers for every last cent available. The corporate ass-kissing needs to stop. For some… reason, people just want to justify what others do if they get money from it. Getting money from anything automatically equates to God’s love.  Therefore, it just HAS to be a holy practice. The ends justify the means. And with a fucked up economy, people will be even more religious toward the capitalistic mantra of “get money”.

Mo death, mo cheese!