Archive for November, 2014


My last post before departing again.

Well… now that Sonic Boom’s so-called “Rise” and immediate Fall came and gone like RGIII’s career, the Sonic fandom has to be feeling a much stronger level of remorse and frustration. It is much more disturbing to find that much more people feel that it is time for Sega to take it’s pooch out behind the barnyard and pump 2 barrels in it’s cranium.

To hear that the latest game in the Sonic series is almost “condescending” and treats all of it’s audiences like babies where as before, the series used to treat it’s audiences like adults (Casino levels and polluted power plants, especially) is jarring and offensive. But it is what it has come to be. People have never been so certain that the series needs an indefinite break.

But the truth is this. Sega will continue making Sonic games that will decline greatly in quality for each and every installment they pump out. And for most of us, it’s a difficult pill to swallow. As typical of fans, many want to stay around, hoping things will get better and Sega will get it’s act together. Others firmly believe that this is infact Sega’s “act” so to speak.

For many people in America, there is a newly entrenched and sweeping belief that corporations are machines that destroy things for profit. Most people had already figured this out, but it could’ve fooled you as many Americans annoyingly defended corporations for decades as a bastion of ambition and quality. The act of obtaining profits and material wealth was more important to the American psyche than anything else. The American Dream was all about material wealth “without strings attached” as they imply. After the BP oil spill, Americans started waking up to the realities of just how dangerous corporations really are. They are giant machines filled with sociopathic cogs, if you will, that believe all of humanity are jut warm bodies to extract wealth from. It fills me with delight that people around these are actually starting to fight back against corporate fuckery of this country, one small step at a time. Even hollywood is being fought against (though not as strongly).

There’s only one sector of the population that is still in honeymoon mode with corporations and that is the gaming population. We are still only people who will defend the practices of these companies even with their disastrous performances. When you start to detect a huge dip in quality for many of your favorite franchises, it’s done for the purpose of money. When businesses destroy something, it is for money.

In Sega’s instance, they have destroyed their company image and their mascot for the same exact reason. Think about it this way. Why do they continue to make retro collections of Sonic 1, 2, and 3 every console generation or so? I think an episode of Futurama touched upon this, actually. Some product called “Slurm” was a soft drink that came out of a slug’s ass. Literally. They had plans to turn leila (Some cyclops chick, I think that’s the bitch’s name) into a slug so that they could extract slurm from her. Though one worker noted that because she isn’t a natural slug, her slurm would taste fowl. ┬áThe queen said this was a good thing because they could turn around and make something called “new slurm”. Then when people were done hating it, they could turn around and make “slurm classic” and rake in millions.

Sega is using the same exact tactic.

Sonic games continue to be shit, so the frustrated masses would run to the games of higher quality… which are now over 25 years old. We get a taste of New Sonic and it tastes like cornbread. Sonic Classic makes us feel like fat fucks in a cookie store. As long as people feel they can go back and rebuy the old Sonic titles over… and over…. and over again, the more Sega feels justified in destroying Sonic over…. and over again.

It’s never been more clear at this point that Sega could not give a fuck about their customers or fans. It is when we can officially dub them a corporation on the same sociopathic scale as Comcast, BP, Wal-Mart, Capcom, most telecom companies, etc. Nothing speaks more volumes of this than their habitual and pathological lies regarding Sonic… and PSO2. Everyone who has played Sonic Boom can instantly feel that they’ve been lied to. It’s like every game they put out, there is a load of PR marketing that make the games out to be much greater than they are, and of course none of it actually worked because the games looked horrible from the get go. No amount of PR bullshit can make future Sonic games look sexier than 06. Sega used a LOT of nasty tricks to make Boom look better than it is. All those photos of BRB’s offices filled with Boom concept art is a trick to make people think they were “hard at work” trying to make the best game possible. You always need to be suspicious with any game production that has more “fluff” interviews than they do footage of actual gameplay. If you’re shown more about the people than their actual work, it’s best to stay away as they’re concerned about image rather than talent. Other times, they take the exact words of forum goers and use those exact words to advertise their next games (IE, the promises and lies in a nutshell). There are enough examples out there going on about Sonic’s glorious return to his “roots” than I could count on a finger. Then there’s the issue with Mike Bollocks (hehe), some 50+ grandpa fighting with people over the internet to defend Boom. Using an authority figure is probably one of the nastiest tactics you could use in any industry as people are afraid of authority as though it were the police.

But this is the kind of shit corporations do to woo the masses to their side. They get “people” to talk poetically about how awesome they are, and then turn around and screw everyone over. Like fracking, I recall a commercial, it was all black and white and had this old fart talk about the process of finding gas in rocks with some choice lines like “all it takes is an idea” or some inspirational shit that has no weight to it. When come find that fracking is harmful to the environment, the illusion of a beautiful new industry is broken.

W/e they use, it means they don’t give a fuck about you. Only their silver lining. Fans of Atlus have every reason to piss themselves in fear as it means Sega will destroy their own products for profit. Sega’s evolution to a corporate shitlord is unlike that of Nintendo, Capcom, Square, Namco, or any other company that has attained shitlord status. Sega is downright evil. I can’t think of any other game company that has erected wall between themselves and their customers thicker and sturdier than Sega.

The dilemma comes in the form of how Sonic can still be so iconic and memorable while having a stream of terrible games nonstop. Crash Bandicoot, Bomberman, who cares? Sonic? “Man I remember having that on the Genesis!” It’s impressive how many people can recall fond memories of the classics and not be aware that games are still being made. For those that do keep up, it has to be damned frustrating just knowing it’s going to get many times worse from here on out, yet still want to support and/or keep up with the series. We wish we knew how to quit it. Not quitting means in part supporting the very devils that control the series. There’s no petty feeling worse than knowing the stuff you love is controlled by sociopaths. If you want Sonic, you have to go to people that want to destroy it for money. How can you enjoy a series that keeps getting worse? It’s impossible to do, so obviously you have to give up on it. But you just don’t wanna!

There’s always the fan games, but gamers have been trained to love production values over substance, so there’s that dilemma. The comics are being rebooted to crap, so there’s another dilemma. No worth while cartoons either. I wouldn’t even count on that live-action movie doing any good for the series. Even if it turned out to be good, that gives Sega another excuse to sell garbage “New Sonic” to kids while creating “Sonic Classic” to quell the immediate backlash. It’s a “Sonic Cycle” of their own creation.

What is one to do for an icon that deep down… no one wishes to hate?

*sigh* And… that’s it for my vacation. Much appreciated for those bringing me up to speed on everything going on with Sonic Boom as well as Smash 4. Will probably be back for Christmas if me crappy job is willing. Cya darls!

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Yah damn skippy it do!

I just watched a few episodes of Sonic Boom and all of the cutscenes for the game, a few instances of omega glitches and… I just got one question.

Episode 4 where Sticks (Marine) is given a lecture on how to treat animals. Idk about you mother fuckers… but… Sticks… IS… an animal. Right? Why do they give a fuck!? It’s as though the writers forgot the fact that these bitches have long wagging dicks sticking out from their butts that pretty much indicate that… yeah, they’s be some animals.

Through out all of this nonsense, I kept asking myself… when does the stupidity ever end? I feel like I’ve had a near-death experience just merely watching crap. No wait, I did die. The 7 year old in me died. Not only that, but these “productions” dug my 7 year old up and pissed all over him, then double donged the corpse. I don’t think even the guys from Sonic Dissected can decipher just what in the fresh fuck was going on in these gigs.

Sonic Boom is like Iron Man 2. A soulless production that is on rails. No rhyme, rhythm, or reason. Reason being the key word here as you will be left demanding one for everything wrong with this game.

-Why the random design changes? (as always)
-Why the overuse of bad comedy relief at every… single… opportunity?
-Why was Shadow even in this game?
–And why is he opposed to the concept of “friendship” all of a sudden? Must’ve seen one too many Animes.
-Why does Amy’s man jaw look like a swollen cunt?
-Why does Sticks even matter in this series?
-Why the College Art Project level of crappy animation?
Why does Knuckles not know his left from his right!?
-Why is Lyric called Lyric? He doesn’t even sing. ­čśŤ
-Why does a crappy, buggy, and clearly unfinished video game tie-in have much better quality compared to a cartoon!?
-Why does it feel like the characters have no real personality?
-Why does it seem like all the fucking hype put forward by BRB and Sega was hot air? Every… last… word I might add.

Well…. shit, I don’t know

Whatever the case, the honeymoon is over and the fans got the taste smacked out of their mouths once again by the reality of the franchise’s state. These are the kinds of games that make many of us feel old in how people can even bother putting up a defense for trash. Even though I see no one defending the games besides Sega’s shills. They always provide shitty arguments. It would take a herculean effort to find any meaningful potential in this game.

I mean look at this shit. A Ratchet character, Sega’s rendition of Nurse Joy, and a cowboy that doesn’t do shit in the game (true story).

It’s making me cry! What potential could be derived from this drek of a toon? There’s literally nothing here. Even just to rant about, I don’t feel it’s even warranted. It speaks for itself. My interest in Sonic Boom was literally non-existent for a long time because there was literally nothing special beyond the PR/Shill hype. I mean hell, I’ve been proven wrong on the show even having any kind of chance, that shit’s ratings are in the crapper.

Going through the scenes, it feels as though the game has no sense of cohesion or enough exposition to explain many of the nuiances of the game. Sure you don’t need to explain everything, but when you get to a point where the main villain can pull shit out of his ass (like being able to use ancient technology to control a modern day robot like Metal Sonic without any upgrades or prior knowledge of Robotnik’s own weapons), tis the time to go right the fuck back to the drawing board. It’s bad enough that the characters try so hard to be funny at every single opportunity, but it’s even worse when characters are over-exaggerated and/or have zero personality whatsoever. IE Knuckles and Shadow being the exaggeration, and Sonic, Tails, and Amy having no personality. To make matters worse, characters will randomly use slang terminology with no comedic set ups (seriously, what the fuck does “SPIT-BALLIN” mean… and why is it used 1000 years IN THE PAST!?). These people know fuck all about comedic timing.

For comedy to work properly, there has to be a certain level of shock value and consistent relevance to the character’s personalities involved with the comedic situation at hand. It has to be smart and clever. Comedy gold requires intelligent use of situations. You know how some people can come up with some wild comments for some given situations like a bank robbery or a fight in a store?┬áThat’s how the writers should be thinking!

For example, take Jak 2 where at the beginning of the game, Jak and Daxter escape from a high level KG facility after nearly being killed by gun and cannon fire. Daxter’s choice of words?

Daxter: UGH! That’s too much excitement! I wish we were back in the country!

…Well that was funny to me. Or how about the scene in which Daxter (after facing misfortune of having a pipe stuck on his head after attempting to show off his strength) decides to let Jak pull a stiff lever. What happens is that Daxter still gets something dropped on him.

Daxter: “It’s a curse, isn’t it!?”

Or a better example, from Ice Age 2, you have a pack of vultures singing a song “FOOD! GLORIOUS FOOD!” talking about eating the main characters. But… the sloth or whoever gets the song stuck in his head and starts fucking singing it. “What? It’s catchy!”

THAT SHIT IS ACTUALLY FUNNY! Ok?! I don’t know who the hell the writers were but they have to be the most dull and lifeless mother fuckers to have ever walked this earth. The very first scene that they try to be funny in involves Knuckles not knowing the difference between left and right. Not only is this insulting to fans of the character pre-2003, it’s also not fucking funny or clever. You can’t do comedy without the right level of cleverness and creativity. It makes the writers out to be a bunch of dumb fuck shut-ins who haven’t taken a nice trip outside to get a breath of fresh air. Their brains could use a little oxygen for Amma’s sake. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to write for shit! Which pretty much explains the rampant idiocy of the plot. Why exactly is Shadow fighting Sonic in the first place? How the fuck can Lyric take control of Metal Sonic using outdated tech!? Why is it that Tails couldn’t prevent that stupid enerbeam to NOT revert back into a binding ring!? Infact, since the Enerbeams technically have “manual controls”, how is it that Lyric can still control them while not being able to do shit about Robotnik’s giant ugly suit!? Why do they try so hard to make Knuckles retarded beyond my wildest nightmares!? Who the hell is Cliff and what does he do that is any bit useful for the game?

I don’t even need to go over everything that’s wrong with the game. Everyone called it, and someone already saved me the trouble. This mother fucker deserves a medal and a lap dance from Nisha the Lawbringer. What really needs to be addressed is the amount of damage this further incurs on the franchise. This being “The year of Sonic” ends in a spectacular disaster to no one’s surprise. All people can really do is question just what is going on, and hope that some Capcom level of financial trouble bites them in the ass soon. All this corporation is doing is pissing on the grave. There is only so many times you can end the life of a once-beloved video game character before people ask “when will it die”? You know a series should end when more people are demanding it. If that’s Sega’s way of killing off the series by deliberately making people HATE it with extreme prejudice, then man, they’s be some vicious mother fuckers.

Tales of the Borderlands should’ve just been a bunch of actual movies, not some episodic downloads of interactive movies. And I’m getting just fucking tired of Handsome Jack. If the rest of the Borderlands series is going to be about him, count me out.

I can’t imagine a more tasteless admission of defeat. Now all Sega needs to do is get rid of Mike Bollocks and we can have Robotnik being awesome again…. I think.

To hear that Boom has technical errors worse than 06 is surprising considering how well Sega’s been doing polishing their turds to fool people into thinking their games are worth anyone’s time. And Goddamn, you know a product is ass when a chunk of assholes don’t even stick around to finish it. It feels like Sega’s big merchandising plan is collapsing before retailers can get a single toy out of the deal. Namco got lucky. Hearing all the reasons for this massive turnover will be more epic than Sonic X-Treme’s development. Hell, even Sega knew the game was shit. If you have to stoop so low as to revoke what is essentially the right of free press to review your product… to avoid tarnishing your company’s image anymore than you already have, I don’t know what to say. Wait, yes I do. Congrats Sega, you’ve evolved from Dreamcast to Comcast!

So much for the fanboy’s BS on Ex-Naughty Dog folks being any good for Sonic. I would go far to say anyone who thinks the people behind Jak and Daxter have talent probably have no taste whatsoever, but that would be arrogant and I’m sure the amount of retorts would contain the words “Last of Us” because the people behind that game would totes be caught dead on a project like this. Would you trust Sonic in the hands of people that wanted to turn Robotnik some school boy nerd!?

Piss in me eye! Why are these even concepts for Robotnik in the first place!?

These are not the kind of people you would trust with anything resembling your childhood. I wouldn’t trust them with Bay’s rendition of the Ninja Turtles. Hollywood seems to be the only slaughterhouse that can get away with radically changing the appearance of iconic characters, and have no one bat an eye. This leads me to believe that in some dark part of the game industry’s psyche, they want to be more like Hollywood so they can make trash and do as they damn well please. I think games having such steep prices jolts a good dose of high standards in consumers that we haven’t reached a point where we sit back and allow some random jackass’s “vision” to get in the way of our entertainment.

But this is worse than I thought.

For a development team to up and say “fuck it” 6 months in advance and quit the project says a lot. They probably didn’t want their names to be tarnished just in case they get the opportunity to work on something they think is worth their time. Or something! Kinda creepy this happens right when I lose internet access…

So, it’s been proven that BRB and Nintendo are both unreliable in making a Sonic game, and Sega is yet again fixated on making money to notice. If western developers basically show no interest in developing a Sonic game, it shows how far the series has fallen. Many western devs still hold Mario games (even the shitty 3D ones) in their highest regards, but I bet no one wants to even mention Sonic in any of it’s incarnations. If we can’t rely on Nintendo or a Western developer to make a good Sonic game, then who can!? Don’t say the fan projects. Yes, they’re sexy and Freedom Planet looks damned delicious, but I’m talking people who are actually involved in the industry. All the talented people in the industry show no desire in Sonic to care about it’s quality. You will get more feedback about a Zelda game’s lacking quality than that of Sonic. The younger teams (like Ninja Theory and the like) seem to be a bunch of college idiots with all these wild visions of particular franchises that don’t at all seem to be particularly concerned with meeting or exceeding expectations. So we can’t rely on new blood either.

To drive that point further, the store I work at has a high turnover rate of employees, so I get to see lots of fresh faces in as little as a month. One particular coworker is a poor shmuck shackled with student debt. He’s also a nerd with poor diction. Breathtaking, isn’t it? Anywho, he’s one of the yahoos that’s an aspiring game developer who hasn’t had any time to work on his pet projects due to trying to pay off his debt. It’s hard not to feel sorry for the guy because it seems like he’s not going to ever get that dream job of his, and even if he does, it’s gonna beat his ass in the long haul. Even then, like most nerds, he argues about the potential of Boom being a good game regardless of all the issues presented. And this was before the game was released.

Of particular note, he felt that fans of the series were problematic and difficult to please, being as fans can be “picky” or overly demanding, and could cause the erosion of a particular series. At one point, he cited Dragon Ball as an example. The series kept continuing on into the Dreaded Cell and Buu sagas because fans wanted more when the series was supposed to end with Frieza. While I could sympathize considering I hated everything Cell Saga and up, blaming it on the fans is a red harring. Significant demand requires sufficient talent to meet the demand. If you’re not up to the task of meeting demand, pass the torch to someone who can and will.

Because of that situation, it’s probably best to never plan on an official “ending” to any series you make. You just might be forced to create more and more. Miyamoto never wanted to make another 2D Mario after World and was quoted as “making every game as if it were your last” in some dire hope of not having to be bothered again.

People are always gonna be passionate about a series they have a planned vision for, not when they’re simply told to make more and more crap for it. The quality will take a noticeable dip, but nah. That ain’t the fans fault. The company itself decided to make more shit. Therefore, it’s solely their responsibility.

But according to said nerd, it’s that people are “too had to please”. He is definitely not the kind of person you want in the industry. But we already have those kinds of people! That’s the fun part. And many of them happen to be a little too power hungry for anyone’s good. And since everyone is so hyper active in creating their own shitty versions of existing mythos, we can’t expect any good to come to Sonic from any external force. Again, Sonic has no business existing in this day and age. There’s too many cards stacked against it, and little to no hope of a recovery.

And I’m starting to feel like w/e good ideas the FANS on the internet have, Sega will just skim them and use them as some asshole selling point proclaiming that they “listened to fans” while creating a turd nugget of a product yet again. No one felt like Sega’s been pulling this kind of shit yet? Every time you get a certain amount of demand for Sonic to be a certain way, the immediate next Sonic game has “something resembling what fans asked for” but it turns out to be ass which further dehumanizes the fans and makes it seem like the fans don’t know what they want? Or is it just me? I mean everyone kept demanding a 2D Sonic game, Sonic 4 is shit, or Nintendo make a Sonic game and they kinda sorta did that with Lost Mind, then I came up with the idea of a western team to do Sonic right, and that blew over worse than anyone could imagine, it’s like Sega is creating false flags to crap over fans or something. Because the same company that was raking in dough from PSO2 would not be that stupid to constantly fuck up their mascot series.

 

I’m getting ahead of myself. I had been informed that some of those BRB members were fired midway through the project, possibly due to low funds. Which kinda makes sense seeing as not one of those ugly ass toys have arrived on store shelves yet. The other bunch left on their own accord. I don’t know how much Sega blew on this endeavor, but if they rolled bitches out that fast, either they lost faith on the project, rushed it to keep the deadline on releasing it with that stupid cartoon, or they wanted to desperately get out of this Nintendo exclusivity deal fast. “HERE! JUST PUT THE DAMN GAME OUT, THE SOONER WE GET THIS DONE, THE SOONER WE CAN ESCAPE THIS MAD HOUSE!” You’d have to be really suspicious of a corporation when they start trying to hide their products from reviewers. That reeks of them having no intent on fixing the series. It really is just a profit generating machine for them, and a really dodgy one at that. All this nonsense about targeting younger demographics, removing games from store shelves with bad reviews, and hiding review copies to keep people in the dark until the game comes out is dirty as shit. If anything, I can’t blame those BRB legions that left. Sega has become a real monster of a corporation. Their behavior since 2008 is no short of amazing and bewildering.

Still, no excuse to make crap designs and leave a game unfinished, but understandable to some degree. In either case, we can really say Sonic is doomed for any future game that comes out as it seems no company that exists has any vested interest in the series to crap out a decent product. And because all the real talent exists in the non-credential sectors of the globe, The only place a Sonic fan could call home is the PC. Kinda scary for a once Arcade Centric franchise to get personal

I really gotta work on better closing remarks. More and more, I’m starting to think back to that one guy who suggested copyright law be abolished. Sure, the only franchise that would benefit from that would be Sonic, but hell, we here in America like to think that competition is healthy for… some reason. Why not get rid of laws that exist only to protect corporate interests when they damn sure don’t care about OUR interests, rite? That’ll promote lots of competition! If companies weren’t such greedy pussies. I’d like to think Sega would step their game up if the fans were allowed to financially compete against them.

Oh Amma, I love this song

…….I think I’m gonna hurl.

I am a little… shocked. I didn’t expect people to still be commenting even though I’ve not posted a damn thing in the last….5 months, has it?

To reiterate and explain, I was renting out a new (read: 20 year old) house. Because it raped my pocket book, trying to get a laptop at these high ass prices (and the incredibly new experience of paying bills!)…… yeah. And… most of my entertainment money was going to used games anyway. Stupidly, I’m also living with a relative whom, in my deepest naivety, I decided would be the one to pay for internet as she is the one begging for it the most. Which I realize was a retarded idea as… she’s unemployed… and too lazy to find a job. Fuck me, right?

That being said, I’ve been out of the loop on gaming stuffs. Being on vacation thanks to the holidays, I’m visiting folks with internet for 3 days sooo… lemme stop blogging.

I can’t comment on Sonic Boom beyond having to shit myself with laughter with my coworkers at work over Knuckles’s design. 10 months in and it’s still ugly. Currently hearing that it’s just as shitty as I predicted it would be. Is it really more buggy than 06? Really? And before anyone asks, no I have not seen the cartoon. All I got is an antenna and RT International right now. I’m depressed as all get out. And very… very… cheap.

I did have a chance to play Smash 4 on a kiosk. As I’ve told one person thus far, the game feels smoother and slightly faster than brawl. That’s all I can really gather. The demo is so sparse. I tried Mega Man for a while, feels weird as all hell. I don’t know who’s idea it was to make Mega Man’s neutral melee the PEW PEW bullshit, and his smash attack the Mega Buster. It just makes him feel incredibly awkward to play. Speaking of awkward, I see Nintendo has a shit control layout for the game. Why in heaven’s name is X the jump button? I will never know. I can’t believe Mewtwo is supposed to be DLC (from a guy at work… who seems to be a total nerd).

The game’s roster looks strange and horribly planned out. As though there was no real thought put into it. I say that because of Freninja, one of the starter pokemon who has absolutely nothing significant going for it. Pikachu had the status of whored out mascot at least. Lucario has fans with bad taste, and Pokemon Trainer had Squirtle, the most bad ass starter of all! Freninja though? What was the point? It’s the most insignificant Pokemon to add. I mean hell, if you’re not gonna make Typhlosion a playable character

Then there’s characters like Robin who I assume no one knows and Nintendo just tossed him in for a chance to promote some lame ass game no one cares about. I was shocked that fucking SHULK from Xenoblade is in the game, so I’m proper pissed that the demo didn’t let me play him.

Even if I wanted to get the whole game for shits and giggles, my 2DS is busted. R button acts like it’s being pressed all the damn time. Wouldn’t be an issue if… half my games didn’t use the R button for something. Chaps my ass considering I forked over 100G’s for this thing… on sale. But my used DS Lites, Wii, PS3, and EVEN my damn PSP… works fine! New 2DS…. fucks up in less than 5 months. ARRRG I wanna bite Nintendo’s hardware division in the face! ALL the trouble shooting guides focus on that damn touch screen like anyone gives a rats ass about it! You’d think they’d fix this shoulder button problem from the original DS models a long time ago! 9 years of time to fix these problems, and a REFURBISHED DS LITE works better than this new bitch! It’s frustrating. I mean, The RSE remakes just came out and my shit is jacked up. I haven’t felt this level of frustration since my first Gamecube died.

It’s not fair… ­čśŽ

So… as usual, most of my game time was spent on consoles. The best thing about the Wii is finding games below $10. Which pissed me off considering most of them weren’t worth it. After all these years, I was finally able to track down a copy of Marvel Ultimate Alliance, it kicked ass. Ahhh… Marvel before Disney raped them to crumbs. Shit, they get taken straight to HELL in this game! That is how pimp Marvel was before Disney came in! I know ya’ll seen that Galaxy Guardians. Goddamn, they ruined Drax the Destroyer.

Anywho, before I go off ranting again, here’s a run down of all the tripe I’ve played up till now.

I’ve heard of these games for a while now and wouldn’t you know it? 5-9 bucks!? Shiiiiiiii!

Well, the first game is crap. Oh that’s a wonderful idea, assholes! Lets force the players to scramble through poorly designed minigames called “jobs” just so he/she can scrounge up enough money to progress the damn story! You know those moments in certain games where you have to accumulate enough capital to buy a certain item to progress the story? That’s the ENTIRE game of No More Heroes in a nutshell, and if that doesn’t sound fun to you, you’re not a hardcore gamer! And with that, I salute you for not being a fuck wit. This is probably a more tedious game than Skyward Sword… and I can’t even lie like that! Who in the graceful hell thought this kind of game would be fun!? Oh what’s that you say!? The real meat of the game is in the combat!? Well gee, that’s just swell, let me go around with these dodgy ass controls so I can decimate foes with ease… with the only challenge being that I take an extended break away from the action so I can run away… and shake the Wii Mote to recharge my sword just to get Travis Touchdown to look like he’s masturbating with his lightsaber 3 million buttfucking times in a… ugh.. *chuckles* “Masturbating”, “butt fucking” …I’m immature. Anywho, this is not good design for a plethora of reasons. One, in order to recharge your sword, you have to reach down and press the one button (it’s a nunchuck thing) just to get in buttpounding stance, the charge time for the sword is quite slow unless you take a break after you use like… 10% of the sword during a fight, you start facing enemies that can massively drain your sword in a matter of seconds, and using a motion control for something that juvenile in every fight is not only bad taste but also tiring. I assume that’s why every non-combat moment of the game is dedicated to time wasting jobs which is nothing more than the developer’s asinine way of padding out the game. If you’re not gonna make the… REAL game long enough to satisfy exactly why people play the game, don’t make it at all! Game length wouldn’t be a problem if the game had enough FUN stuff to do!

Now fortunately, Suda got the right idea that the first game blew enough chunks to fix damn near EVERY problem I had with it in the second game. No More Heroes 2 is pretty damn awesome. The combat is much smoother, the controls aren’t as wonky, you don’t have to perform stupid jobs to progress the story (just click on the next fight after each and every one), and the “jobs” are actually awesome now. They took a page from history and made them into NES styled games. Shit, now I WANT to play them all! And I don’t have too! They even have a job that plays out like Mach Rider. Goddamned Mach Rider! This game was officially awesome from that point on. Though you still have the fantastic nonsense of having to jack off your sword, you at least get new swords to play with… ahem, excuse me. Point is, this is a rare example (in my case, at least) of how a sequel can improve over the original without really losing the qualities of the original that people enjoyed (which is unfortunate as the content of the game is still pretty damn juvenile.

FPS’s on Wii are, in my opinion, quite terrible. While I’ve enjoyed the Conduit games, the rest of them have the essence of “no shits given” written all over them. Why? Well, it could be that the majority of them feel like they reused the same damn engine that came from Red Steel 1. And lemme tell you that Red Steel 1 is some aaaaaaaaaaaaaaass!!!

This was a launch title, I’m aware, so obviously it was gonna be pretty lame, but man. The story is typical but likable. Hot asian babe with the phattest ass is kidnapped by the yakuza, so it’s up to you to grab a beer and kick some rear. And I mean that quite literally. You get a simulation of what drunken sword fighting feels like.

The major “break through” for this game was showing off the Wii mote’s potency of creating a life-like tate (I think that means Sword Battle in japan or some shit?). That mission failed hard. Prepare to be frustrated to no end with how terrible the motion controls in this game are. And it has nothing to do with accurate sword swings. It has everything to do with why people hate Sonic and the Black Knight. The mother fucker won’t swing his sword as soon as you swing the mote! So it’s like a button motion, you swing at a certain velocity just so they can react half a second later. This was the same problem with Soul Calibur Legends and plenty of Wii games. Treating the motions as though they were a button press. It’s the core of why people thought motion controls were stupid and couldn’t replace face buttons and a good ol’ fashion controller for the thumbs.

But hell, even if they were any good, the enemies wouldn’t let you feel like a bad ass. See, combined with bad controls, you also have enemies that can kick your ass without even thinking. They can (and will) block damn near all of your attacks and do like 3-4 sword strikes that you won’t be able to block in time because trying to block requires you to flick the nun-chuck, but that shit reacts too late as well. So you’re just sitting there flailing your arms about like an asshole while the AI is just sitting there whoopin yo ass so hard, you’d think you were playing Ninja Gaiden. There was absolutely no reason for combat to be this tedious especially considering that motion controls were a “new trend” this day in age. It’s the one time I WANTED the game to treat me like a retard.

Outside of sword play is a little better. Regular old FPS combat where it feels like the enemies are bullet sponges. IE they can take bullets to every part of their body. The aliens in the Conduit games are pussies compared to the Yakuza! Even aiming at enemies feels like a choir. Still… much more fun than sword fights. The worst thing about the gun fights is praying to Amma that you don’t run into a random sword battle. In every level, after several gun fights, you come to random sword fights where there’s only ONE mother fucker in the room. When you finished, you get SWARMED with enemies, it’s just crazy and as nonsensical as can be!

As horrible as this game can be, there’s like… one level I enjoyed, and that was the one with the creepy talking rabbit in a fun house. It’s… pretty weird.

Now, again, another rare example of a sequel improving immensely on the original in every way imaginable. Hell, Red Steel 2 is the shit! Let me be the one to say that this is the only…. and I mean… the ONLY Wii game that has precise and accurate sword swings. Ubisoft put Nintendo to shame. Hands down, this game rocks. I don’t like the shift from an urban city in Japan to some crappy western setting. What I like is that they don’t lock you into a specific combat mode like in the first game, you can lash out with the sword strikes, or blast the bitches into smithereens. And it’s so seemless. You also get bitchin super powers and whoop whole sale ass that way too, if you want. The game is pretty short and the environments are the only really lazy part of the game. But if you wanted a sword fighter on Wii, man pick this shit up if possible. It is a BEAST!

It’s ass.

Now, I actually liked these games on the Neo Geo and otherwise. I used to show off my crappy math skills measuring just how to richochet a ball off the wall, bustin all kinds of moves, my fams were hatin…. yeah… this game’s…. kinda like that?

Idk what I was expecting. I love the Bust a Move games like crack, but this game felt… empty. Like there’s no meat to it. It just has 1 player and multiplayer which… is jacked up. Multiplayer isn’t like Tetris Party where each player has their own column to play in, everyone is jammed into one giant column where they kinda have to work together to keep the balls from collapsing. So if you were like a pro-beast-god (like me) and you had the perfect shots lined up, another player could aim where you’re aiming and completely fubar your shot! Goddamn that pisses me off! The game is incredibly sparse of anything resembling replay value and only relies on your complete love and dedication to the Bust a Move series to even marginally enjoy it. Puzzle games (the FUN shit, not the Adventure game bullshit) should have some tangible rewards for playing them over and over again. But this game has nothing. This really is a game for when you’re just bored.

I’ve never been a fan of music games… no wait, that’s a lie, I did buy that… DDR game with the dance pad and everything…… ok fuck it, I like music games. Just don’t give me any of that guitar hero bullshit. Course, the last music game I bought had licensed crap. If I had known there was a goddamned Beiber song in DDRWii, I would’ve cancelled my order! Ah well. Obviously bought Samba De Amigo because Sega was the only company producing anything worth while on ┬áthe Wii…. but I had no idea how addictive it was. It’s like every song on this disc is ear sex mang! Sure it’s licensed crap, but they’re also legitimately good songs. Sega has good taste in music, you’ve gotta admit.

I’ve not played the original on Dreamcast, but I can’t imagine doing so now. The way the game works is strange at first. Like… you gotta shake the wiimote and nunchuck at certain elevations and shit. It’s hard to explain, but it’s addictive! I can’t stop playing it for some reason. I’m A ranking every damn song I can play! Ya’ll gonna have to kick me off of this bitch! I’m having the time of my life!

There were plenty of other Wii games I’ve played, but the list would be too long. I’ll just move on to PS3 games.

I’ve never had a taste for turd person shooters. Their awkward over the shoulder camera shouldered with crappy controls turned me off from just about every game that was turd person. Starhawk contains… none of this, actually. It’s probably the only turd person shooter I like. And not because the main character is African. If I was that desperate for positive representation in a video game, I wouldn’t have sold it so soon afterward.

But.. yah, the game is nice. It’s so smooth, combat is bitchin, it has that element of strategy and ingenious ways of taking down enemies in your own special way, man, I’d put Starhawk on a list of PS3 games that you’d need to own.

So why did I sell it? Well, you see… I’ve played many PS3 games and have built up an enormous intolerance for dev/publisher practices that cry “bullshit” which tears at my ears and my balls. Many stupid practices abounds for this console. But none so great than the incredible… and undeniably fucking retarded practice… of requiring an internet connection…. FOR LOCAL MULTIPLAYER!

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

Read my lip… WORDS! You have to be ONLINE….to play OFFLINE MOTHER FUCKER! No coop for you internet-less bitches! You take deez 10 levels and SHOVE IT!!!

Words… could not describe… the level of my pisstivity. I enjoy coop, and a game that FUCKING ADVERTISES the local coop on the back of the box… should have it OUT the box! Don’t try to hamstring your bullshit “Online features” on a feature that should be fucking free! What’s WRONG with PS360 developers/Publishers?! Are they nutz!?

Nevermind the fact that without internet, you have access to absolutely NOTHING on the disc but the 10 level storymode that is shorter than the entirety of Sonic Heroes. So for the most part, you just have a blank slate.

It was such a nice game too.

Not the localized cover art

Buying PS3 games on a whim is a pretty stupid idea considering just how expensive these games are. Fortunately, EDF2025 was only about half the price of a new game… and not shit.

We’re talking a game that has 85 levels of alien blasting goodness. Tired of all those combat games with crappy missions like escorts, defending, rescuing and shit? Well get ready for a combat shooter that is ALL… ABOUT…. SHOOTING STUFF! The mission of this game is simple. Kill… fucking… everything! As long as you can get over that horrible framerate!

EDF 2025 is damn fun, but runs like shit. The frame rate in this game is the only really flaw (and some long ass load times to boot), but otherwise it’s fine. You have 4 character classes to choose from…. well only 2, actually. Because only 2 of them are usual. The Trooper is your basic soldier on foot… and then you have chicks that can fly (I forgot their names). The other 2 is the Air Raider that… has no actual…attacks. And the Fencer that is too damn slow to move. But w/e the case, the game feels like a slower Starhawk with giant bugs, robot, and alien space ships as your worst enemies. Shit, you have fucking DRAGONS to deal with as well! And the dragons are sneaky bastards that can snag you in their mouths from off screen! GAAAH I hate those bastards, up until I got my AF20 V. HOWZIT TASTE MOTHER

It has the issue of restricting you to using 2 guns, which makes the game more difficult than it needs to be as you have to really think about what guns you want to take with you on certain levels. It’s like Custom Robo in a way, the right combination of weapons determine your victory. Except only having 2 weapons is bullshit for a game that likes to swarm your ass with a buttload of enemies that, if you’re not careful, can rape you to crumbs in a matter of seconds. These bugs have all kinds of shit that can mess you up. Like the spiders. If those vicious fucking cunts snag yo ass in their webs, you are done for and should accept your inevitable defeat. There is literally no escape from that ass whoopin. If you ain’t got the right weapon to handle all of these different enemy swarms, it becomes literally impossible to win. But at least you can… EXPERIMENT with all of your different combinations and what not to see what works.

Overall, if you can get past the horrid framerate and restricted weapon storage, it’s a fine game in it’s own right. And yes, the spiders are assholes.

Considering my level of depression over Fergusion… and only having RT to watch which is depressing as fuck, there was only one genre I could pay attention to. The dreaded RPGs! To date, I’ve played like… 5 Tales games. Phantasia, Symphonia, Symphonia 2, Abyss, Xillia, and Xillia 2. Wait, that’s 6… shit.

I don’t really know what drew me to these games in the first place.

SHUT UP!!

I was in the whole “try something new” phase as I was getting tired of playing fighting games, and picked up Xillia on a whim. Instantly, throughout the first half of this game, I wrote it off as shit for having characters that felt pretentious and boring from the start. And for some reason, it came off as secretly stereotypical. Jude Mathis looks the most asian of the bunch, is a doctor and knows karate… or Bajiquan or w/e. Milla is probably some interpretation of how Joan of Arc would look if Namco was trying to make a hentai, and Alvin is a guy with a gun who’s looking for money. Obviously he’s American! The game’s story went no where and I got bored immediately. I put it down and found a copy of the Symphonia collection, but seeing just how dull Xillia was, I dared not make a hasty judgment! Of course, the Gamestop clerk assured me that this game was superior to Xillia in every way imaginable, and it was only $20. Fuck it!

Turns out he wasn’t bullshittin. Symphonia WAS better… up until you get to tellethia. No wait, that’s Xenoblade. The hell was it’s name, it’s… Tethe ALLAH or some shit. See, first thing they did right was make the characters a lil’ mo interesting. Despite being an over-exaggerated fuckwit, Lloyd Irving is a likable hero. And I swear that guy did the voice of Robin from Teen Titans. On a whole, the series is… funny. It’s hard for me to resist a game that has a good dose of comedy, and Symphonia’s got it at least. Story wise, it starts off better than Xillia, but then comes to a screeching halt when you get to the… the Tethe…dimension or w/e and the whole game starts to blow chunks. It feels like most of the dungeon design came straight out of Aonuma’s crusty arse, except you’re 100% more likely to get stuck at certain spots. The puzzles in these dungeons are not only tedious, they’re also incredibly illogical. For example, the Earth Temple has these midget fucks that won’t let you pass until you…. leave the whole dungeon…. to fetch some damn curry.

…….No, this actually happens. There is literally a dungeon in a video game that sends you on a little fetch to feed a midget. First off, the characters are twice his fuckin size. Considering how much of a smartass Lloyd, Sheena, Genis, Raine, and that pretentious ass Zelos all are, you would think one of them would have the bright idea to suggest “yo, stomp this mother fucker right here and now! He’s only like 1 centimeter high! COME ON! DO THE MARIO!”. No, you literally have to leave the dungeon, find some ingredients, go back IN the dungeon….. and cook the mother fucking curry! The world is in peril, I ain’t got time for this culinary bullshit! Let that midget asshole cook his own damn food!

The illogical stupidity doesn’t stop there. There’s Ymir forest, probably the worst goddamn dungeon in an RPG ever, has you trying to enter an elven village. But… a young boy who is sick… somehow has all the strength and willpower to stand up and block your path. he says he needs a special kind of fruit to cure his illness. but how do you get this fruit. It’s on a tree. See Ymir forest is basically just a lake with small islets and wooden bridges. You have these special types of flowers which act like whistles. You blow them to call on certain animals. You can call boars to ram trees, and fish to swim around. What you have to do is get a boar to ram a tree with this special fruit so it can drop in the water. THEN…. then, you have to call several fishes to… literally push the fruit all the way to where you can actually grab it. And, there’s a pretty elaborate sequence in which you have to call these animals and if you break the sequence in any way, you have to start back to square fucking one! And this process is long and dull… and boring. You have to constantly move around the dungeon to different flowers, call upon different animals to egh… it’s stupid… tedious, and completely unnecessary. And I DO mean unnecessary. You know why? There’s a character named Colette, she’s like Lloyd doormat love interest that everyone rightfully hates for being too damn nice. She has the power to grow angel wings and fly. Why is this important? The fruit the boy needs… is stuck high into a tree. Colette… can fly high! You see what I’m sayin!? Colette’s dumb ass could simply pick the fuckin fruit so we can take it to the sick bitch and move the fuck on!

Gah! This game started off so well, and as you progress, it just becomes more unbearable, and it feels like the game just drags after a while. The game starts producing way too many characters for you to keep track of, and the gaps between when you see these characters again are pretty long. I think there was some chick that Lloyd promised to rescue from some human ranch, and we don’t see the bitch again for like… 10 more hours of game time?! I forgot she existed!

And man this game knows nothing of balance in the difficulty. There’s no excuse for why the final boss is easier than the first boss or why certain enemies tend to jump up in difficulty at certain points. It’s an otherwise decent game that becomes shit about an hour in a half in. Which is a surprise to me as the game’s sequel (Dawn of a new world) happens to be leagues better. Sure, you only get 2 playable characters while the rest of your army is a bunch of Pokemon rejects, but it’s twice as funny, has reasonable dungeon design, and probably has the most bad ass villain this series has ever produced… second only to Dhaos, but still kinda awesome. The problem with the sequel is that it really is just a retread of old territory, there are very few new areas in the game, and worst yet, you have to revisit older dungeons and do completely revised versions of the last game’s puzzles (Lightining Temple, anyone?) The only good thing about that is that they’re nowhere near as wretchedly tedious as the BS Symphonia weaved for it’s players.

You might notice that I don’t talk about how all of these games play. That’s because if you played one Tales games, you’ve played them all. Well… except Phantasia, it kinda plays worse… but happens to be more awesome than the rest of the series. Why is that? Story is actually kinda… simple? Evil wizard threatens Time and Space. You, a knight of valor, takes on a few friends to kick his ass! Fuck yeah! None of this pretentious new age anime shtick where we overly philosophize the same damn concept of discrimination and repeat the mantra of “All life is precious”, fuck that pussy shit! Evil Wizard over there, kill dat ass! And it’s also a hilarious game too!

All these Tales games are comedy gold to a greater degree than I expected. I think Xillia gave me a crap perception of the series because I wasn’t about to give this shit a second look.

Then… we get to Tales of the Abyss. Now, you want a shitty Tales game, look no further. If you wanted to play a game where every character was an asshole, you don’t go to Jak 2, you go to this mother fucker right here. Honorable mention goes to a precocious little bitch called Anise. The fans can tell you why. But yeah, this game breeds asshole characters like congress breeds asshole policies like a rabbit. Starting with the main character named Luke. He’s a rich kid who’s forbidden to leave his residence because he was kidnapped years ago and lost his memory. And he desperately wants to leave. Which makes his asshole demeanor understandable… to a degree. But then, he gets warped out of the castle during a huge fight and bitches and moans about wanting to go home. Care to make up your mind, dipshit? He continues being an asshole until he sees someone get stabbed… and then he accidently kills someone… and starts becoming a pussy…. then relapses into an asshole when his personal trainer slash gay fantasy father promises to help him escape the castle so they can… live together, I guess. It’s… kinda dumb. The asshole tendencies all start with Luke and kinda spreads out to everyone else when Luke feels like he’s done something absolutely terrible… and it starts feeling like everyone’s taking advantage of his pussified state and relieving themselves of all that pent up rage… which kinda backfires when Luke starts feeling suicidal, and everyone is suddenly wanting him to not kill himself. The game can be summed up like this.

Chapter 1

Luke: My life sucks.

Other Characters: Yep, your life sucks.

Chapter 2

Luke: HEY! I’M ROYALTY! LISTEN TO ME PISS AND MOAN!

OC’s: Mmmhmm, Mmmhmm.

Chapter 3

Luke: I don’t wanna kill people. I’ll to behave a little from now on.

OC’s: Luke’s kind of an asshole, eh? But he’s funny at least!

Chapter 4

Luke: BLARGH I’M DE AMBASSADOR!

OC’s: Man, fuck this guy, seriously!

Chapter 5

Luke: NOOOOOOOO! I just wanted to save lives.

OC’s: YOU FUCKED UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Chapter 6

Luke: Ok, for realz though, I;m serious, I’m going to behave now! Here, I’m gonna cut my own hair to prove it!

OC’s: Haha! You suck Luke! You’re such a retard!

Chapter 7

Luke: Man… I really suck. I’m a clone that only exists to ruin some other guy’s life or something.

OC’s: You’re also really stupid… and a piece of turd nuggets! Punk Bitch! No one respects you because wtf you’re our idiot!

Chapter 8

Luke: I guess… I have to kill myself.

OC’s: Yeah that’s ri… wait, if he kills himself, we lose our own doormat%$&# NO! DON’T KILL YOURSELF! WE LOVE YOU LUKE!

Chapter 9

Luke: It’s settled! I’ll save the world by becoming An Hero!

OC’s: YOU BITCH! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!!

…It’s kinda like that. There are so many things wrong with Abyss, it’s not even funny. As I’ve said before, Luke does something incredibly ┬ástupid that ends up killing an entire village of people which ends up with him being dissed by his peers… and then Anise reveals that she was a traitor to the group all along…. and everyone forgives the little shit. There’s also an overwhelming amount of technobabble…..

……Fuck… I got carried away with these Tales games. In the end, I went back to Xillia, finished it, cheered on for Alvin kicking Jude’s bitch ass across the field, got dissappointed by the ending, and checked out Xillia 2 in hopes that it’s actually an improvement. And it was. Instead of having some boring intro about a med student needing to get a permission slip signed, you get an intro about ASSASINS KICKING ASS! It’s so strange finding sequels that turn out to be better than the originals.

Usually, I tend to come to sequels that suck bitter ass.

It’s honestly the same exact game as the last one with better levels, movelists and music, and more characters. Still good.

I just know someone is going to say “Wow Heru, you tend to like games you shit talked before playing, maybe you should shut the fuck up and play Sonic Boom now!”

Yes, it’s true. I Like…. The Presequel. In a strange twist of fate, Gearbox or whoever actually seemed to mitigate whatever in the fresh hell was wrong with the damage scaling of Borderlands 2. Meaning the game is fucking playable! To an extent, more on that later. But lets take a look at what they got right.

The main characters have action skills that aren’t 3 degrees below whale shit for once (Only Axton’s turret was ever useful in 2), the Cryo element is probably the most helpful element introduced in this series (so much better than that stupid slag), slamming is also useful for shaking off melee enemies, you no longer have to rely on legendary guns to do more than tickle your enemies to death, and best of all, we finally get a vehicle that can jump! The game is probably the funniest in the series yet with humor that doesn’t try so hard to be an internet meme (admit it, BL2 humor wanted to appeal to the internet so fucking much).

What did they get wrong? Well, obviously the game has stupid DLC practices as the last 2 games, but more insulting is just how glitchy the game is. I have run into so many bugs going into True Vault Hunter Mode, it’s gotten to the point that I cannot even progress to the final boss!Yes, unlike Skyward Sword or Other M, you cannot accidentally trigger a game breaking bug. Shit just happens. So currently, I’m stick at this “Pass through the Breach” bullshit where Jack goes on rushing people and doesn’t bother to update my mission progress, the douche. It’s Pandora’s Tower all over again.

And the first thing they release is on-disc DLC for Handsome Jack at $10. Ain’t dat a B? Another thing is how much of a bitch Lilith has become, but that’s a different topic altogether. Presequel would’ve been better than #1 if not for the bugs or that piece of shit grinder that keeps giving me crap loot!

*sigh* That’s a basic gist of what I’ve been doin for the last 5 months, aside from freezing to death in my basement and tossing bricks at them singing cats. Dammit, I need to catch up on Mortal Kombat X and hope Boon is not fucking it up any further.

With that said, who expected Shadow the Hedgehog to be ruined so mercilessly in Boom? I sure as hell didn’t.