Archive for May, 2017

Volume 2! Yeah that’s a good name. The budget went to the soundtrack and everything else had peanuts. After about 2 hours you’ll never get back, we get the real Ego, the Living Planet, that ends in a final battle that rips off Man of Steel. There’s about a hundred awesome things you can do with a sentient fucking planet, but no. It ends with a Superman-style fist fight and a radioshack bomb that wipes the guy out.

*sigh* I still don’t know why people love Guardians of the Galaxy. Here we have a sequel that came out with Rave reviews like the first, and I couldn’t begin to guess why. Unlike the first movie which tried to add to the mythos of the MCU, this bundle of nonsense is one big cameo fest. Even so, the first film was an unmitigated piece of shit, one of the worst Marvel movies ever crafted, only being marginally better than the likes of Iron Man 2&3, Dare Devil, and the 2003 Hulk Movie. But even if it was shitty, there was so much potential in a sequel to be better than before, possibly even having Thanos as an antagonist and set up for Infinity War. Instead, we get some bullshit about Star Lord’s daddy issues. Watching this movie all the way through, I get the sense that Gunn had no idea what he and Feige wanted to do and said “Fuck it! Just throw in as many cameos as possible so the fanboys can be marginally pleased!” 

Fair warning. I HATE THIS MOVIE! Not even Rocket could save it from juvenile humor, stunningly bad story, shit script, a central theme about fathers that no one gives a shit about, and Drax the Destroyer just laughing at anything just because! *sigh* So with that out of the way…. lets get on with it. 

Holy shit, The Master of Kung Fu is in this game!?

The shit piece begins in 1980 where we see Kurt Russell’s ol’…. young ass looking for any paycheck he can get… as he rides out with his bitch into the woods to show her an egg of some sort. That’s about it. Flash forward 34 years later as we see the Guardians fight against Shuma Fucking Gorath! (This aint no Doctor Strange sequel, is it?). They don’t say it’s name outright, but interdimensional being is a pretty good description. Buuuuut instead of a being with actual speech and chaos powers, he’s a generic monster with rainbow breath. Fuck you Gunn!

Oh and he dies to Gamora’s sword, proving once again that Disney gives no fucks about the source material in this regard. Exhibit A!

Just… read the first few words. Clear as day, Shuma-Gorath is a god-like being. It took the power of someone equally as badass to take him down. He’s not dying to some fucking flesh wound! And speaking of Doctor Strange, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY NOT PUT SHUMA-GORATH IN THAT SHIT LAST YEAR!? But instead wait for a movie that is completely unrelated to that series to put in an enemy… from that series!? Ugh!

So after the wasted cameo, we see a race of references to Adam Warlock, the archnemesis of Thanos and rival to Doctor Strange. The Sovereign and their queen, Ayesha, who was created after Adam, but seeing what they did to Shuma Gorath….

Anywho, the Sovreign reward them with a prisoner…. Nebula! Spoiler: She doesn’t do shit in this movie worth mentioning. 

I keep thinking Doctor Doom got the better deal in treatment. We’re talking about a space pirate who led a successful campaign against Xander, killing at least 3 members of the Champions of Xander in the process… and she’s relagated to sibling rivalry!? Fuck you Gunn! 

Ayesha acts like a bitch by mentioning Starlord’s daddy and saying he’s an ass (which is true) and the rest of the movie expects me to care that Starlord is pissy about his dad all of a sudden. Why would you request help to deal with a monster and then… insult your hired help after the fact!? It almost justifies what happens next.

So Rocket, being himself, steals some batteries. This pisses off the Sovereign big time and they lead the charge to attacking them with a big ass fleet. Turns out these simple batteries are super important. I don’t remember why, exactly, and frankly the movie doesn’t expect me to care, it’s really just an excuse plot to move things along.

Anywho, the team crash lands on a random planet and Starlord bitches out Rocket for…. being an ass. Kinda hard not to sympathize seeing the little rodent was responsible for what transpired. But hey, considering Starlord’s something a theif too apparently considering his previous exploits, it’s also difficult to agree with him anyway. Afterall, he was probably thinking the same thing after Ayesha’s bitchness.

Does anyone even like Starlord? Never heard of the guy from the comics, but like most movies, his personality probably got douchier in translation. The guy is just unappealing and childish. He makes Iron Man look mature. And all he really does in this movie is whine and bitch everyone out. And this series expects me to care about his parental issues? Like I didn’t have enough super hero family drama to keep track of. Is it any wonder why the Captain America movies are fucking amazing!? None of this “my daddy grants me the power of angst” horse shit.

Anywho, the movie cuts to a cosmic hoe bar where we see pointless cameo #3, Howard the Duck making a return just to laugh with some friends. That’s it! But then we get to Yondu where he gets exiled from the Ravagers because Sylvester Stallone IS THE LAUWWW! I guess he needs a check too, and playing a character with only 5 minutes of screen time is good enough for him.

Why is Yondu getting exiled? Child trafficking (Starlord), which brings up the question of why this cocksucker decided to take action now instead of oh idk…. 20 years earlier!? What the fuck does anyone care about old shit? Matter of fact, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE ANYWAY!? YOU’RE CALLED RAVAGERS! YOU’RE SPACE PIRATES/MERCENARIES! You torture your own prisoners and laugh at the misfortunes of others! Child trafficking should be par the course for you dipshits. But…. Now It’s a problem!? Did I miss something in the last movie!? Do these Ravager fucks have some code of honor that bars them from child trafficking or something? 

This exile is not at all important as it affects nothing in the plot. It’s just foreshadowing because these assholes wanted us to care about Yondu for some reason.

Anywho, the members of Yondu’s crew start thinking he’s going soft because he didn’t go after Starlord for tricking them in the last movie. Then suddenly,  Ayesha appears with her motley crew of peasants who… can’t stand to see their Lord’s feet get cold! She has a proposal for Yondu and his dirty crew.

Back to the assholes, Rocket is trying to repair their ship while Starlord, Gamora, and Drax go to explore a bit until they are met by…. Kurt Russell. Oh and Mantis too. A Vietnamese pacifist who was raised and trained by a sect of priests to be a bad ass but only when necessary. 

oh right! Marvel only cares about getting the powers right, so Mantis isn’t even from Earth. Cause… you know, if you wanted us to give a shred of a fuck about Starlord, you’d give him a different internal conflict. None of these daddy issues, what if he started feeling robbed of his own childhood, having to spend the rest of his life under the abuse of some blue asshole and his pack of thieves. 

And here comes Mantis! A character with a similar background to which he could connect and relate to. This connect would be the catalyst to why she helps them fight in the end, but would help Starlord grow as a character… in some regard. OR… you know, just make her a shallow love interest for Drax that literally goes nowhere….. That works! Assholes…

So Kurt just comes out of nowhere and tells Star boy that “Yep, you came from my pair!” And I don’t recall any of them being in disbelief. The 3 decide to go with Kurt and Mantis to his own planet, leaving Groot and Rocket to repair the ship. While they away, Rocket fights off some Ravagers at night. Not a bad scene, but ultimately he gets captured when Yondu arrives on the scene.

Mantis explains that she’s an empath, a being that feels the emotions of anyone she touches. When she tries to read Gamora, she threatens to cut her down. I’d be willing to bet Mantis could take Gamora. 

On Kurt’s planet, Kurt explains that he, himself is the planet. That’s right, folks. Kurt Russell is fucking Ego, The Living Planet! But… instead of someone with a massive superiority complex, we just have a guy trying to take over the universe. You know, it’s not enough for the characters to have their powers, they kinda need their personalities in check. Sure, make some adjustments to make them more appealing to the audience from time to time (Thor) but otherwise, you fuck up what makes the characters unique. Afterall, we have 4 sarcastic quipy heroes! All taking after Iron Man! That archtype got old fast! 

Anywho, he tells the group that he is also Celestial. Fuck you Gunn!

Wait…. So Starlord is an Eternal!? A being of power equal to that of fucking Thanos!? BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

To explain, the Celestials are big, robot lookin fucks who created the Eternals, a race of godlike humans of which Thanos is spawned from. That’s the short version of it. The Eternals had some sort of civil war and one faction, the Deviantss, made an exodus to Saturn’s moon, Titan. Thanos was the only Titan who was born as a mutant, and was shunned for looking ugly.  IE Thanos the mad Titan.

Unfortunately, because it’s a shit movie, no connection between Thanos and Ego was even made. And Ego ain’t no fucking Celestial! 

Anywho, Ego says he was searching for a purpose to his existence (what a shit lie) and talks about how he met Starlord’s mother. Drax of course talks about how stupid that is for a planet to fuck. Good ol’ awkward and juvenile humor!

Back with Rocket, Yondu gets thrown in the cells with him (I missed something, apparently, I tuned out about a million times) and some guy named Taserface takes over. “Hilarity” ensues. Nebula also makes an empty speech, and then Rocket and Yondu bond. Groot (I forgot the little fuck was in the movie) tries to help them escape, but in an attempt to invoke the old “The Mask” movie, Groot keeps handing them the wrong items. 

I just realized how redundant this team is. You have 2 idiots (Groot, Drax), 2 thieves (Starlord, Rocket) and by the end of the movie, 2 assassins (Gamora, Nebula). Even Suicide Squad had more variety than this!

Anywho, Kraglin (I don’t know who he is) breaks them out and Yondu kills everyone on the ship. They escape through a hyperdrive and…. oh hi Uatu!

 Sucks that you’re wasted cameo #4 with overdone cameo Stan Lee, but hey, you’re in a movie! They wasted a CGI expense, but hey, you’re in a movie! Fanboys will be tickled!

Anywho, backon planet familial drama, Starlord bitches out Ego and then Gamora over Ego because she is suspicious of whats going on. Then she storms out, pissed that Starlord is the main character and not Rocket. Then she’s randomly attacked by Nebula who… stops trying to kill her when they see bones. Well shit! I should invite all my past enemies to have some bone broth soup! INSTANT BUDDIES! Or because she just wanted a sister. Goddamn this is a stupid movie.

Mantis tries to tell everyone that Ego is evil, but Gamora chokes the bitch before she can tell anyone.

Starlord is lured into the central chamber where Ego tells him that he made lots of babies specifically to have a second Celestial to Terraform other planets, and he planted seeds on different planets to kickstart this chain reaction. 

This…. makes…. no… fucking…. sense!

Where do I even begin with this idea!? So… Ego makes an overly complicated plan of terraformation by creating seeds and requiring the birthing of newer Celestials to kickstart this process… but never thought about making regular terraforming bombs or some shit? I don’t have the vaguest idea of why he wants to do this outside of “Duh, he’s Ego and he wants all worlds to be remade in his image because he’s egotistical”  even though this aspect of his personality was never featured in the fucking movie! As it stands, Ego is just evil for evil’s sake, and that shit just doesn’t cut it anymore. People will remember Marvel Heroes, but never Marvel villains because the retards directing the movies never thinks about making compelling villains! 

So Starlord gets raped by tentacles and the terraforming begins! But… because Ego mentioned killing his mother, Starlord gets motivated to kick his ass. And we’re supposed to say “For MOM!”

*sigh* I’m beyond offended that the movie thinks I give a rats ass about his mama. We’re supposed to sympathize with Starlord’s undying love for his mother, something that feels artificially grafted onto the second movie, and feel hyped up when Star bitch gets his revenge. The problem? We can’t get angered by the reveal or wishful for Ego’s comeuppance because we don’t know the bitch!

No, we know that she is Starlord’s mother. I’m saying we dont know her. Why she’s so special. Why we should feel saddened or motivated when we found out how she died. Why we should care about her death in any meaningful way. 
Let’s talk about The Lion King and why Mufasa’s was so powerful. Before he becomes maggot food, the first half of the movie, we’re introduced to this guy. We see who Mufasa is, how he interacts with people, and why he’s very important to Simba beyond just a parental figure. You see the 2 of them interact, laughing and playing in a field together. Even after scolding, Mufasa opens up and still tries to have fun Simba. We get the impression that Mufasa is a cool Dad. So when he dies, the audience loses their shit! Not just because of shock value, but we actually got to know this guy! So it’s like “holy shit, they killed him off!” By that extension, we can sympathize with Simba’s anguish and despair. At the same time, he doesn’t have to exposit about why Mufasa was a great guy to be with. We saw it first hand!

Uncle Ben as well to some degree, though the later Spiderman 3 fucks that up by removing Spiderman’s sense of guilt from the equation. 

Now think about why no one gives a shit about Thomas and Martha Wayne. Aside from DC characters being all about their powers and abilities and nothing more.

What do we see of Starlord’s mother? Jack shit! We start that movie with the bitch croaking, and we’re supposed to care!? Fuck you Gunn! These hack jobs couldn’t write a porno if they tried!

So rocket and Yondu show up and immediately, Rocket gets to work using those batteries to make a bomb to wipe out Ego. In the middle of it all, Mantis manages to block some energy… shit from Ego…. then seems to die. Really!? Fuck you Gunn

Starlord then straps a jet pack on Drax to carry Mantis as he screams about his nipples. *sigh*

I think it needs repeating. I…. HATE…. THIS…. MOVIE!!!! And a big part of why are the Guardians themselves. Their traits are all about acting like clowns for an entire feature film, and they rarely move beyond that. And Drax! Ugh!! It’s kind of a shame that I had to find out later on that Drax in the comics was actually reduced to what he is now in the movies, a brainless twat! So in a weird twist of irony, I actually don’t like it one bit.

Considering his older form had flight, super strength, and cosmic beam attacks, he could’ve been the Thor of this series. But no, lets make him as stupid if not more than Groot. See, I tolerated him in the first film as… his stupidity made sense in some regard. “He’s from a race of literal morons! Everything goes over their heads!” And he was legit funny. Here, he’s an insufferable embarrassment. constantly trying  to make the audience laugh at his childishness. He bursts into laughter simply because Mantis reveals that Starlord wants to bang Gamora!? It’s over doing it. Batista must be desperate for that Rock level of fame if he’s doing this shit.


So any way, while Rocket is trying to teach Groot how to detonate a bomb instead of just…. doing it himself, the Sovereign assholes come out of nowhere and…. are still trying to kill the Guardians? First off, Ego just lets them walk right in!? He needs Starlord alive if he’s to complete his plan, and sovereign want him dead! Ah fuck it.

After fighting them off, we get the standard final battle trope where all the heroes get pinned down one by one right around the time where the villain starts monologing to the main hero of how hopeless their chances of victory are, but the hero makes a snappy remark and then fights with all his might, giving the others a chance to escape…. because it creates so much tension, m I rite!? Fuck this whole shot, man. Bomb detonates, Starlord loses his powers….wait.. what!?

Yeah, apparently killing your father removes your hereditary traits! Fuck you Gunn! What the hell was the point of establishing all this mystery and secrets to why Starlord could survive contact with the Infinity Gem…. if you take away what made him special in the first place!? Goddamn this stupid fuck stick of a movie!

Now powerless, Yondu finds him and wraps him in some air bubble and then flies with him into space. There, he makes a “noble sacrifice”  to keep Starlord alive and…. dies.

Yeah, Yondu was a prick in the first movie so applaud his death. Fuck him. And then the movie forces him onto a pedestal by giving him this big ass funeral (Sylvester Stallone shows up for the funeral, but not the fight? As cheesy as that would’ve been, wtf!?) And then Starlord and Gamora boink. Because their relationship actually developed over the course of 2 movies! And not because Gamora was just a green piece of ass to Starlord (Would’ve been Nova if not for Glenn Close’s pasty raisin ass taking the part).

After credits name drops Adam Warlock (totally didn’t see that coming! -_-) and… that’s it.

Well this was relatively short. I guess because I’m not at all passionate about Guardians of the Galaxy. Hell I barely know anything about them outside of Drax and Rocket Raccoon. But the idea of a Marvel Space Adventure in movie form was something I wanted to see since the Fantastic Bore movies. Instead, these movies broke my balls in a desperate bid to appeal to the lowest common denominator. With juvenile humor, flat and unengaging characters, and a big focus on pretty colors. And with crappy characters, the action itself is less than engaging. Much like the first movie, there’s no real tension, rhyme or reason to what happens on screen. There just has to be an excuse for an action scene because “Super Hero movie!”  

As well.. it’s pretty fucking boring. The first movie had these guys going on an actual adventure, which was something I wanted, going from locale to locale, fighting dangerous enemies along the way. But here, the Guardians spend nost of the movie on Ego’s planet talking about their problems. What is this, Watchmen!? GODDAMMIT,  WHERE’S THE ADVENTURE!? Save the sappy forced daddy drama for Iron Man’s bitch ass. It’s like playing Mass Effect 2, everyone has fuckin daddy issues. I can only pray this won’t be a source of conflict for Black Panther, but seeing how his introduction went…

Insultingly enough, Marvel thinks that by cramming in as many callouts and cameos as possible, the comic book geeks would be assuaged by 3 seconds worth of reference boners to say “They care about the source material!” Like the staff of the Living Tribunal from Doctor Strange. Or Howard the Duck. Twice. It’ll totally make up for the lackluster plot!
 While the Fantastic Four made for boring characters, the Guardians themselves just plain suck. Groot is a TERRIBLE character! This wannabe burlap sack from LittleBigPlanet is just a liability with the brain the size of a Lima bean. Only one piece of dialogue, and the audience is supposed to find him cute and enduring?  His only real contribution was making a barrier to keep his team from dying in a crash. Aside from that? He has done NOTHING of worth! 

Gamora is what Black Widow should be, but is ultimately just an ice queen love interest in an under-developed relationship that is 100% Shallow physical attraction.
I already ranted about Drax and Starlord.

Mantis was dissappointing. Not only is she not a fighter like Gamora, she’s practically invisible to the plot, existing only to be shipped with Drax (yeck) She has the job of being a foreshadowing device and not much else.

Yondu’s turn to a sympathetic character without warning is so forced, you’d think Jak’s sudden ability to talk was natural development.  And here’s a question. If you were just keeping Starlord around to protect him from being sacrificed, why didn’t you just TELL HIM!? I’m pretty sure he’d be more grateful if you weren’t just trying to impress your peers. And lessee, beating his ass when he was a child who just lost his mother was a shitty move on his part, no wonder he resents your blue ass. But…. no! The movie wants me to feel sorry for him and accept that Starlord sees this jackass as his real father! Fuck you Gunn! Good riddance to this asshole.

Rocket Raccoon… remains the best character by virtue of being a major asset. It seems as though any victory by this team hinges on his tactics. And the fact that he’s still moderately funny is a plus. Which begs the question of why he isn’t the main character! Maybe delve into his past of being bio engineered into a deranged killing machine. Maybe have him as the one member everyone underestimates until he goes into action…. which kinda happens in the dark forest scene. But no! Starlord’s daddy issues are much more important to establish his god-like heritage. … and then strip him of anything special at the last minute! 

As for the villains…. everyone is par the course. Ego was definitely better than Ronan the Accuser, having Kurt Russell doesn’t hurt either. And admittedly,  his plan was pretty dark. Making children and then killing them because they were inefficient, then deciding to kill Starlord’s mother to remove any distractions, all fucked up by any degree. That being said, I wonder if the Guardians movies will keep borrowing villains from the other heroes. This guy was a Thor villain, for fuck’s sake! Wasn’t Ronan like… a Fantastic Four villain?

Nebula was shit, Taserface was comic relief, Ayesha was just an ass, Shuma-Gorath was infuriating, and that’s all for the badguys who only have about 7 minutes of screen time total.

It is quite amazing how something so shallow can gain any acclaim.  I figured after Doctor Strange, people would be wary of Marvel’s future offerings. I guess it’s because GotG is different from typical superhero movies in that the “heroes” are really out for themselves,  and if they save anyone’s ass along the way, that’s just a perk. And the setting is different. Instead of being trapped on Earth and being bound by shitty rules, you get to see all these strange and vast places, bizarre races, and interesting futuristic technologies. I guess the shit characters don’t matter when it comes to the possibility of a boundless and vast universe. Something the Thor movies should’ve done, but instead got stuck on Earth for Natalie Portman 

Unfortunately, we don’t even get that in this movie. What we get is a piss take of characters bitching about their problems and forced drama. And the feeling of emptiness in how Ego was handled. Ego could’ve been like an “Inside Story” sequence where he lures the unsuspecting Guardians into his planet, and then have everyone trying to escape an ever shifting planet, while they would be on their way to Thanos or something. That would’ve kicked ass. But no, Starlord’s dad is a planet, cause that makes sense. Shit, man! They could’ve made him the son of Captain Mar-vell and I would’ve been down with that! Cause him being the son of a planet is fucking stupid. This dumb ass movie made so much money, how the fuck…..

All of this Culminating in an underwhelming experience in what was already a mediocre franchise. Guardians of the Galaxy is wasted potential. A space adventure turned space opera at the last minute. Fuck this movie, fuck the people who wrote this chunk of shit, fuck the people who paid to see this load, and Fuck you Gunn! Hack job who makes Kojima look like Shakespeare. Fuck you for ruining Drax, Mantis, and Shuma-Gorath. Fuck you for turning what could’ve been the most expansive MCU entry into a fucking punchline of sex jokes. Fuck you for trying to make Yondu redeemable and failing hard. Fuck you for making Starlord an unlikable douche. Fuck you for not getting Richard Rider in this series. And finally, fuck you for Scooby Doo!

Well, w/e nonsense this movie spewed,  it won’t compare to horrors Spiderman Homecoming will unleash.


Not even yo fine ass can get me to break out some jacksons.

Hypest thing about Mobile gaming, right!?

Im getting real sick of these nanny systems. This bullshit whereby you have literal “Play Stocks” to say “hey, this mother fucka’s been on this shit too long! Cut him off!”

The first I’ve seen of this crap was in Power Rangers Dash whereby you only have 5 Stamina stacks before the game itself dictates that you can’t play for a good hour or so before you can play it again. At first, since this was Power Rangers, I thought this was some shit put into the game to appease soccer moms. You know, not wanting their brats to ruin their eyesight and all. 

But here we are with a roguelike zombie game limiting you to a few plays and then telling you to wait it out for some refill time constraint.

The real bullshit, however, is that you have this option whereby you can pay for more play stocks. So if you’re too impatient and spendthrift enough to wait for a complete refill on playstocks, you can pay REAL WORLD MONEY to play again.

What kind of fuck shit!?

These mobile game developers, man, they’re a trip. I know they need money, a lot of these apps are already free, but goddamn! They need to learn a thing or 2 about making real incentives. Cause first off, none of these damn apps are good enough to spend any amount money on. They’re usually fun for a little while, but most people don’t keep these games for longer than a month or so. These games get old fast and are so heavily steeped in repetition that the thought of paying money just so 1 can play more often is downright stupid. 

Secondly, the way these devs handle unlockable content is painful. All the shmups i’ve played have all these extra ships that are impossible to get in a short time without plunking down cash. So really, you’re stickung with one ship for the long haul. The tactic is dreadfully obvious and actually discourages people from buying anything from the creators (unless it’s that goddamn Candy Crush), least of all some play stocks. To justify that, the game would have to be really damn good or have some kind of variety! App games are built around being repetitive! Ironically, Stupid Mario Run tries to have variety via levels with emergent gameplay. Geometry Dash updates it’s own mechanics creating interest in new challenges and forever catchy music. 

What idiocy would justify play stocks in a game about shooting cars all day!?

Just imagine if console developers started implementing nonsense like this in their games with them costing as much as a second mortgage. $100 Deluxe scams and all. No one would stand for it. Oh who am I kidding, college kiddies will find anything to justify. “It’s their game, they have the right to keep you from playing it!” All that noise.

It’s just pathetic seeing the lengths mobile developers will go just to make money. Their greed almost eclipses that of Gearbox. Knowing damn well people are changing the settings to avoid this shit.

we got the man who put Sega on the map, Tom Kalinske, who shared his thoughts in a recent interview (thanx Bouge) About The Messy State Of Sonic. And no, I didn’t intend to capitalize the shit in the last sentence, stupid app. And because this app sucks, my comments will be listed in bold!

Tom Kalinske loves Sonic the Hedgehog. And he’ll tell you all about it. Minutes into our interview, he’s listing the Sonic memorabilia in his home office: four plush Sonic dolls, one Tails plush doll, a gold-laminated Sonic the Hedgehog 2cartridge, multiple Sega Genesis consoles — all that still work, he points out — and even a can of Sonic Soda from Japan he got in the ‘90s, which, unfortunately, is leaking now-spoiled liquid. This is just one of the many rooms in his house, he says, where there’s “lots” of Sonic merchandise.


He has all this decorating his Bay Area home because, as he tells it, the Sonic series has had a huge impact on his 30-plus year career in the video game and toy industries. As Sega of America’s CEO from 1990 to 1996, Kalinske led a team that marketed and sold the character, and the console hosting his first four mainline games, the Sega Genesis, to the United States. An immensely successful effort, the work helped turn Sega from an underdog of the industry into a titan of the console wars. And at the front of it all was Sonic: a blue hedgehog that was cooler and faster than anything else on the market.

Ok that makes, but you don’t think that’s a little excessive?

Don’t get me wrong, if I ever played a Power Ranger, I’d have that shit glazin my walls, but plush dolls? Nah son. Action figures are what you should have exclusively. 

*hugs Cyndaquil Plushie* 

“I think we probably would have been successful at a modest level without Sonic. I mean, it would have been better than it was, you know, before I joined the company, but I don’t think we could have possibly passed Nintendo in share of market,” Kalinke says. “And I don’t think we would have reached about a billion and a half in revenue in the United States and 900 million in Europe without Sonic. So Sonic contributed tremendously to that.”

So much so that Nintendo tried suing you guys at court for violent videogames, earning them the long lasting of being called a kiddy company!

Well,  that and censoring MK1…

Under Kalinske’s direction, Sega and Sonic saw tremendous success on Genesis stateside. But differing strategies between the American and Japanese branches of the company quickly doused that fire when it came time to unveil the Sega Saturn.

Understatement of the century. Don’t bring up Sonic Xtreme… plz…

Infamously, Kalinske took the stage at Sega’s 1995 E3 press conference to announce that not only would the Saturn cost $399, $100 dollars more than its competitor’s then-upcoming console, Sony’s PlayStation, but that it was available immediately in select stores — months before it was originally announced to launch. It was Sega’s rushed defense against the PlayStation, and, as far as he’s concerned, “the stupidest decision ever made in the history of business.”

The Saturn was $400!? Holy shit! Sega was out of their fucking minds! They also wanted to make the Genesis expensive as shit too. Kalinske shot that plan down hard. And of course, Soj called him an idiot for that decision. 

The fact that Sega Japan wasn’t rushing to put its mascot character on the console, too, didn’t help things, which frustrated Kalinske, as the series was a force to be reckoned with in Europe and the United States. But, not seeing similar numbers outside its own window, he says, Sega Japan stopped listening to its American counterpart, meddling with a proven formula for success. Kalinske believes Sonic’s lesser appearance on the Saturn, in part, caused the machine to tank.

Because as we all know, JAPAN IS ALL THAT MATTERS! 

I suppose in part, I could see why they’d try to appeal to their own people. Afterall, it’s their people and not some foreign elements that you don’t want to bother with. But again, they continued doing international business, and only focusing strictly on 1 market at the expense of every one else is vintage stupidity. And Sega hasn’t learned a damn thing for over 25 years! Going so far as to antagonize western audiences as well.

“I think they just didn’t understand how powerful Sonic was in the western world,” Kalinske continues. “I mean, it’s kind of a strange thing to say, because they could certainly see the sales numbers and the amount of revenue that was produced, and the passion that players and users had towards the Sonic character, and the TV shows, and the comics and, you know, everything else that [came with] the licensing.”

They didn’t see it IN JAPAN! 

In 1996, the two attempts Sega finally did make at bringing an original Sonic game to the console were far from successful, though. Sonic X-Treme, the first attempt to bring the character into full 3D, developed by a branch of Sega America called the Sega Technical Institute, was plagued with development issues and ultimately cancelled. Sonic 3D Blast, an isometric platformer developed by Traveller’s Tales and Sonic Team, received middling critical reception.

GODDAMMIT, they brought up Xtreme.

Look, it was clear Sega didn’t want to make Sonic games as their home market had no interest in the franchise. Fishing them out to Travelers Tales and STI was essentially shifting responsibility. 

Problem is western devs didn’t have access to the engines necessary to produce those desirable pinball physics. And seeing how bitchy Yuji Naka was with his precious NiGHTS engine, I doubt asking for permission to use their superior hardware would be futile. 

There’s something else Kalinske also considers during our chat, something that may have caused Sega Japan to ignore its mascot character during the Saturn era: an inability to bury the hatchet.

Brudha… you ain’t kidding! 

Early into development of the first Sonic The Hedgehog game, series artist Naoto Ohshima designed a character much more aggressive than Sonic ultimately ended up being. He had fangs, a busty girlfriend named Madonna and fronted a rock band. Sega America, fearing it wouldn’t be able to market the character globally, went to work softening him, ditching the girlfriend, removing the fangs and breaking up the band. According to Kalinske, Sega Japan wasn’t happy with the character’s new look, pushing back whenever it could.

OHSHIT!! See, NOW I wanna know the real reason this turd got made!

And a big ol’ tittied white woman that looked just Linda Carter!? Yeah, I saw the concept art.

“[I] think they resented the fact that we changed him from being aggressive, and having fangs and [a] very sharp personality — and to some degree a menacing personality — to being soft and friendly,” he says. “I think they resented that. But I don’t know [if] I’d carry it so far as to why they didn’t do the things that should have been done. I think it might have been part of it, however.”

I  highly doubt it. Granted, Japanese creators are very childish people and have massive egos the size of Jupiter, I believe this had more to do with being more successful than the Mega Drive. Afterall, in your earlier interviews, you did mention they were pissed at you for making the Genesis a hit while they fumbled in failure. Thinking that they should be better than their American counterparts (though considering Sega started as an American company anyway, this was appropriate). 

Why the hell would Japan not favor a cuter character design? Isn’t that their usual MO? 

Or maybe… they liked cool shit before the millennium? It certainly would explain why anime looks so shitty now.

After multiple fumbles with the Saturn, Sega tried to reinvent itself with its next console, the Sega Dreamcast, and its first tentpole Sonic games in years: the Adventure series. The next two entries into the franchise, Sonic Adventure 1 and 2,saw a fully-voiced Sonic, full of personality and attitude. The big-budget games finally brought the series into full 3D, introduced multiple playable characters and had multiple intertwining narratives. It seemed Sega learned from its lessons and was making a real attempt to focus the spotlight back on its hedgehog.

Sonic shuffle, anyone?

Kalinske, out of touch with where the series went after his departure, was left with some strong opinions after a recent encounter with a statue of Shadow the Hedgehog, a character introduced in Sonic Adventure 2.

“[I] walked into a Sega office last year I guess it was — maybe more than a year ago — and there’s this big, dark Sonic character with a machine gun in his hands. I mean, what the hell is that? That’s not Sonic The Hedgehog. Sonic The Hedgehog doesn’t need a machine gun, and why [is he all of the sudden] all black instead of blue?

Last year!? 

I’m disturbed that Sega would have a statue referring to a game that doomed the franchise. It must’ve kicked ass in Japan!

This would be bizarre if that’s the case. A qoute unqoute “grimdark” Sonic being more appealing to Japan… while they think Westerners like Sonic as kiddy bullshit, using Kalinske’s decision way back yonder as a footnote. 

I could just be reading too much into that, but it would explain sogoddamn much!

So, there’s a lot of things that were done that didn’t make sense to me as I started [getting] back into it and went to Comic Con last year and saw some of the different things they were doing. You know, it just didn’t make sense to me [for] the Sonic characters,” Kalinske says. “I think when you build a brand and a character, you really have to stick with it, and stick with what made that character great, and don’t mess around with the key attributes of the character or the character’s personality.”


That said, Kalinske does recognize there’s no need to remake a game over and over for 25 years; some experimentation and iteration is fine, in his opinion. But to the extent Sega’s taken the series, Kalinske says, “I think they kind of went overboard with it.”

This interview is full of understatements, no?


I don’t know why l found this line hilarious!

There were times, he continues, that former Sega of America employees, disheartened by what they were seeing with the Sonic series, would talk about going back, trying to fix what was happening, to rebuild the series to what it once was.
“We get together every now and then. And I do recall a few years ago all of us were together and we were lamenting about, ‘How the Hell could they do this to Sonic? How could they change it to being not perceived in a positive way by the audience that loved him so much,’” he says. “We’ve had that discussion quite a bit over the years.”

Over the years? How fucked is this franchise when people involved in it are saying “How could they do this to Sonic?” I mean goddamn…

Kalisnke says he also thinks there were numerous other great Sega properties the company mistakenly let fall by the wayside. “[I think Sega] kind of lost their way,” he says. “Sonic’s great, but there’s also great properties inside Sega. Overall franchises that nothing much has been done with here [recently].”


“It may be too late now, given the age that we’re reaching, but we all felt certain a few years ago [that] ‘Damn. We could have gone back in and fixed this thing’ … But, you know, that’s probably just wishful thinking on our parts.”

This is honestly the saddest shit i’ve read in a while. Speaking of age..

But, Sega is trying to do just that for them, making another attempt at bringing the Sonic series back to its former glory. This time, though, with less experimentation and more backtracking and reflection.

Not so much reflection, more backtracking. Though including a CaC feature is a good touch.

The Sonic series has had somewhat of an about-face in recent years.

No it hasn’t. The games aren’t even fucking released yet. Stop blowing your loads early, Amma

The official Sonic Twitter account, run by social media manager Aaron Webber, is self-referential, aware of its shortcomings and makes light of the fact that Sonic has been more or less a punchline for the game industry.


Furthermore, Sega recently announcedSonic Mania, a return to form for the series visually and mechanically, adopting the look and gameplay of the original Genesis games. On the surface, it looks as if the company is paying attention to what its fans have been asking for, all the while remaining fully aware of where it’s gone wrong in the past.

Sure it looks that way, but only time will tell if that delay was done to fix that Zone Ratio.

Kalinske, for one, remains hopeful for the future of Sonic The Hedgehog. He points to Webber, bringing up his affinity for the company and series he works for. “First of all, he’s been there a long time, so he does understand the entire history,” he says. “And I think it’s good for him to reflect back on [it and say], ‘See, here’s the things that the company did that didn’t work out, and yeah, we should return to some of the things that did do well in the past. And we’re going to, and bring them forward in the future.’”


WAAAAY too much confidence in a guy who’s only contribution thus far was lip service that fell on deaf ears. If SoJ didn’t bother listening to Kalinske’s advice, what chance does talking head Weber have?

His own time talking to Webber and other current Sega of America employees about where they hope to take things, he says, keeps him confident for the future. But that’s not to say he doesn’t have his own ideas about where the series could go. According to Kalinske, marrying old and new may be the way to go with Sonic — maintaining the series’ core speed, but bringing it to new, innovative technologies, for example.

If Weber of all crackas instilled hope in you, I gotta give him credit. He knows how to bullshit.

I’d love to hear the convo he had with the SOA CEO, though.

“Well, I jokingly said the other day, I’d love to see a Sonic AR version and do something on phones with AR and Sonic The Hedgehog. But it would probably cause people walk into poles or run into buildings or something, so maybe that’s not such a great idea,” he says. “And then I can hardly wait for the day that VR gets inexpensive enough for us all to really enjoy it. Imagine a Sonic world where you’re turning around and he’s whizzing around you. I mean, it would be a pretty amazing experience, I think. … I think it [could] be a very interesting exploration and development path. But I know all that costs a lot of money, but I think that Sega still has that. And who knows? It could turn out to be something great, and certainly we could all use that right now.”

I damn sure hope that’s a joke. Cause it sounds like you want to kill people!

Time will tell if the Sonic series will ever reach the peaks of success it once called home when Kalinske oversaw it. And whether or not Sega can reclaim what made the Genesis games special in fans’ eyes with Sonic Mania remains to be seen. But Kalinske thinks the company is aware of where it lost its way and is now ready to take an honest stab at righting its wrongs.
“Let’s just be hopeful,” he says

Well, Kalinske may be convinced, but acknowledging mistakes and correcting them after an entire decade are 2 different things. If Mania and Forces kick ass, will Sega maintain it? After Generation, we thought Sega was starting to get it. Then they lost their damn minds trying to copy other corporate strategies in making money (copying Mario’s success, cross media merchandising, mobile gaming). They need to be continuous with this shit.

Well, if Mania has the whole world thinking Sega got their shit straight, they might just have a helluva marketing gimmick.

I’ve mentioned a few times before about Death Battle and how bullshit some of their fights are (specifically when regarding DBZ and Sonic). For those who don’t know, it’s a web show made by Screwattack pitting several characters from movies to cartoons to videogames, and hyper-analyzing all of their stats (or so they claim) to see who could kill each other in a fight. Kinda like that show “Deadliest Warrior” that was on Spike TV. Recently, they made a new match up between the Megazord vs Voltron, and because i’ve been on this Power Rangers kick, people have asked (more like pestered) me if I watched it. Having known about it for a while, telling them that I have no desire to see what is clearly a one-sided fight would probably upset them. See, I overdid my excitement for the movie, and they clearly wanted me to shut the hell up about it. Them bothering me about Death Battle tells me the Rangers lost. If so, why wouldnt they? Power Rangers was hot for a while, and taking a piss on popular shit is their current MO.
Death Battle is a shitshow of false claims and misinformation. They’re concerned with creating controversy and nothing more. And no, I do not base that off of the Goku vs Superman fights. They’re easy targets for flamewars and have about a million debunk videos as is. And again, no, this has nothing to do with DK vs Knuckles (though it’s a good guess :P). 

With that out of they way, lets talk more Power shit. I did the stupid thing and binged watched 10fuckingseasons of this shit. The majority of which came from Disney, unfortunately as I had no interest in the Fox era with the exception of Time Force. I lost my damn mind when this movie came out. And despite being average, I love this fucking movie too much to do a Capeshit on it. That said, these 10 seasons did not include the original Mighty Morphin series. I watched that shit 20 years ago and I have no desire to see Tommy get put on a pedestal. I’ve decided that after spending 5 months watching this bullshit, why not share all the wonderful tidbits of forced sexism! Seriously, this franchise has influenced the out of control feminism we have today by turning all the males into chauvinistic jackasses. It’s actually hard to watch at times. 

And yes, it’s one of those gay ass top ten lists. 😛 From worst to best.

10) Dino Thunder

By the balls of Ra, if you wanted concrete evidence of something that is truly overrated, look no further than Dino Thunder. False/exxagerated claims up the ass!

I was truly confused when people claimed that Hayley (some tech bitch who makes zords) was such a strong, powerful female character, she wasn’t even relevant to the show. I’m convinced you could cut her out and it wouldn’t make a lick of difference. 

Through the power of bad writing, we have villains with zero backstory or motives, virtually unlikable heroes who can’t stop being smartass jerks half the time, an evil ranger clone with no lasting impact on the series, a 6th ranger arc that lasts for 20 episodes it seems, a Red Ranger who pulls powers out of thin air, and a mentor character who gets his dicked sucked by the show runners because he used to be the Green Ranger. And I laugh at the claims of Mesogog being a compelling villain when all he does throughout the show is sit on his ass and bitch out his henchman for their failures. At least Rita Repulsa hatched schemes to fend off the rangers, Mesogog doesn’t do anything. Yet I’m supposed to believe he can defeat Lothor!? That’s some Death Battle logic! 

Dino Thunder’s praise comes exclusively from the nostalgia pandering meta humor and nothing more. I did like that Lost in translation episode, though.

9) Wild Force

I had high hopes for this series, but I couldn’t recommend it to anyone. It has a great premise, a Tarzan-esq leader who murders people…. >_>, and god-like ranger powers capable of destroying a planet busting weapon of terror that makes all fanboys rage. And it has 2 team up episodes!

The problem? Well… nothing really… it’s just a giant BORE! If you need a cure fore insomnia, can’t go wrong with this season. It’s just not engaging, and the random environmentalist message that pops up outta nowhere doesn’t help matters. It’s just not… fun. Not bad… just boring. Jindrax was awesome, though.

8) Ninja Storm

Another series I had high hopes for. Ninja Power Rangers!? Hell yeah!

Except these guys are extreme sports adrenaline junkies. Good job fucking up that premise! It doesn’t help that this shit focuses more on comical dude bros and humor than any other season of Power Rangers. Most notably in the villain department. Lothor is a shit villain all around. He is treated like a joke throughout the series, getting his nails painted by his nieces, taking over a tv studio because he wants the public to love him, and having this old redneck accent for no discernable reason. And despite all that, he could kick anyone’s ass if he needed! Which is why im annoyed at him getting beaten by Mesogog.

I do like the ninja costumes and powers they display, not to mention some damn good fight scenes, but it’s evident that this series is some focus tested trash. The extreme sports aspect just ruins the show altogether. That said, none of the characters are really irritating (except Lothor’s dumbass nieces). Some of the humor works too, but its just not a good series overall. I’d still recommend it over Dino Thunder though. Vexacus was a better villain for the series.

7) Overdrive

If you need a moment to shit vomit at the thought of Operation Overdrive being put above ye precious Dino Thunder, do so now. Good? Ok. Overdrive is pretty mediocre, but it at least has unique ideas. The treasure hunting aspect and multiple villain factions are pretty damn good ideas for a series that has remained formulaic for a long time. It was pretty fresh.

 The problem is, however, execution. The characters don’t gel very well and the reasons given for their recruitment is bonkers and non-existent. The Anniversary episodes are probably the worst this series has ever had… at least until Mega Force happened. Still, it’s not the absolute worst season, and there’s a few things to like about it, such as the bad luck episode and the Robot Identity Arc. The fearcats are also fucking awesome villains. 

I will say this, though. Dax Lo, the blue Ranger, is the absolute worst Ranger of all time! He is scum of the worst Calibur, and I won’t blame anyone for not wanting his autograph. And these Rangers tend to want to quit a lot, that’s not a good thing. The costumes aren’t bad, but they’re uninspired. They’re basic biker suits if you ask me. And the… “Drive claws” that look like construction shovels? Terrible weapons.

6) Mystic Force

I don’t know any series that makes me feel sorry for characters that have been annoying me other than Mystic Force. This season is a tough nut to crack. The action is amazing, probably the most brutal fight scenes of this whole series, strong supporting characters (fuck yearh phineas!) and another reason why you can’t trust ranger fans. The character of Nick is actually a decent Red Ranger despite his meltdown in the final episode whereby the team gets fucked up and loses almost of their power against a nightmare inducing cthulu. Yeah, I’d probably drown in hopelessness too. 

On the other hand, the suits look like Jolly Ranchers, the villains are aggravating, Genji the genie cat sucks… but  honestly don’t mind. It does feel like some plots drag on for a while (Imperius). But overall, this one is pretty decent. The medieval themes are a turn off, though.

5) Jungle Fury

I think everyone will agree this shit right here will surprise you. With a name and a fucking terrible theme song like Jungle Fury, low expectations are on speed dial. Or maybe that was the idea! Lower our expectations so that we get blown away if we ever bother to watch it!

But yeah, JF is pretty damn good. I’d say it’s more because the villains are so compelling this time around! I could watch this whole series for Jerrod and Camille alone. The main rangers are cool too. RJ (Violet) is too damn cool for this series, Lily’s (Yellow) crazy ass would rape Kira and smear that bitch all over the walls, and Dominique (White). …well, he’s cool too. Casey (Red) and Theo (Blue),  on the other hand… I hate their guts. Casey being an idiot and Theo being a smug son of a bitch throughout the series. They’re unbearable half the time and drag down what is otherwise an enjoyable cast.

The costumes take a long time to get used to as they look like pajamas half the time. They’re supposed to evoke some kung fu motif reminiscent of Bruce Lee, but they come off looking goofy as hell. But dem fights! They didn’t skimp on the choreography this time around, and it shows. the part where Jerrod jumps into the air and does a Shoryuken with his fucking feet on Theo was no short of bad ass!

4) SPD


Ahem. SPD took a while to get good. But when it gets going, it never stops. The characters come off abrasive at first, but never too annoying throughout the series like the Dino Thunder twats. And hell, it’s kind of the idea, take a bunch of assholes & mold them into a solid fighting force… that ends up getting their asses kicked on every occasion. Ofcourse only Jack (Red) & Sky (Blue) needed the attitude adjustment. I know all the women hated Sky outright. 

I can’t stand Doggie Cruger (Shadow) though. He is a terrible judge of character and puts people in positions that they’re clearly not qualified for. Jack being a crook who had no mental evaluation for a leadership position was a terrible idea, shoving 5 people into a single building and forcing them to live with each other, then getting pissed because they don’t enjoy each other’s space so he sends them off to boot camp… absolutely SHITTY move on his part. You mean they don’t have their own homes!? Wouldn’t discount Pamela Anderson (Pink) have a mansion with her rich ass? And of course he takes his anger and frustration out on the team because…. he had a bad dream!? Fuck this overrated blue son of a bitch!

The costumes are more Spiderman than Power Ranger. I liked the Omega Ranger’s design, though. Too bad he gets his ass kicked in every episode. Fight choreography is superb, but I really hate all the random bullet times whenever there’s an explosion. It just takes me out of the action. Still, the story is pretty solid, but that moment when Jack gives Sky his own morpher to get revenge on his father’s killer? That was awesome

Sure wish Z (Yellow) got more focus instead of Bridge (Green). You know what pisses me off, though? How Charlie is the first female ranger… but the fandom doesn’t count her because she was evil? 

3) Dino Charge

Aww man. This was a good one. After the failures of Samurai and Mega Force, Dino Charge was an especially delicious treat! It’s like the producers actually wanted talented actors and good writing for a change. There’s not a single character you could hate, the action is decent from start to finish, and the comedy is on point every time! It’s an almost perfect series… if not for the lackluster plot. Especially in the “Super” half where story arcs feel rushed and incomplete, like the writers lost interest midway through production. And that fucking ending! How anti-climatic is it to go back to the past, kill a weaker villain and bring back the Dinosaurs!? That was stupid! It’s the main reason this season wasn’t higher on my list.

2) RPM

Now this is what Sonic Forces should strive to be! Post Apocalyptic Power Rangers where the machines have nearly wiped out the human race? And despite how dark the concept is, it still has all the levity in the world to maintain it’s “family friendly” demeanor? 

It has a “Mad Max” feel to it, with the rangers constantly racing out into desert wastelands, fending off robot minions who try to off the humans in very menacing ways (like cutting off their air supply in  already toxic landscape). These villains think of some pretty bastard methods of kiling people! 

I kinda like the costumes even if they’re goofy as hell with the giant headlights and all. The fights aren’t as good as in Jungle Fury, but they’re passable. 

A damn good cast, fantastic story, and some unique ideas you will never see in another season. Sure, we have yet another Red Ranger played by a Black guy, but all the attention is on the white guy, just like SPD, but RPM is too good to be a Disney season. It probably would’ve been #1 if…

1) Time Force

…didn’t exist. Yeah, the costumes are shitty, but to craft a series with such a rivoting plot, it smokes RPM in almost every category but comedy. And Wes charging into an army of Cyclobots knowing he’ll die trying to fend them off on his own? Hands down the best damn Red Ranger. And hell, even the Pink Ranger is a badass!

Every episode actually adds to the story instead of being generic filler… ok there was the hollywood and mirror dimension episodes, but overall, you never feel like the story isn’t going anywhere. And the Quantum Ranger just shits…. SHITS on Tommy Oliver! You want a Ranger that actually deserves to be overrated? Look no further than the voice of Vergil from DMC3! 

Time Force is hands down, just amazing. The production values feel more like a movie than a show, and the rangers themselves feel like actual heroes rather than some random retards who play dress up to fight monsters. And the Megazord fights are pretty good too. Namely because they aren’t showing off retarded ass fusions/zord combinations every episode, they just fight!

And that there is mi list. I have no desire to watch Zeo, Turbo, Space, Galaxy, Lightspeed, Samurai, Mega Force, or the new Ninja Steel series that just started. As such, I cannot rate them.

I think I’m all rangered out. Time to find some other unhealthy obsession. I did just watch Dredd recently. 

Impressions (MvCI)

Bit of a shame I haven’t bothered talking about this game yet despite my history with the Marvel Vs series. As I’ve said before, I was pleasantly surprised with how MvC3 turned out despite the fact they cut muh boi Venom out… and Captain Commando…. and Psylocke. But hey, Doctor Strange and mother fucking Nova Prime made up for it! And while the Capcom Roster was total shit (Phoenix Wright? Seriously? And lets pretend Bionic Commando and Okami were hot shit, mmmkay?), they were at least capable of holding their own in a fight for once. Plus, Eighting, the badasses responsible for Bloody Roar and Tatsunoko vs Capcom were behind it. So unlike SF4 which was a gimped Dream Match game, MvC3 actually felt like a proper sequel. With half the number of available characters. 

So even though Marvel is fully equipped with Disney’s dick up their ass, they’re still at least allowed to be a part of these crossovers.

I’ve mentioned the boner from seeing Megaman X’s reveal. Didn’t care about “Ms.“Marvel, so long as she doesn’t replace Nova. I have to say, I am not excited for the Infinity Gems coming back. Yeah, there was a fighting game simply called Marvel Super Heroes that came out prior to X-Men vs Street Fighter that used the same shit. Players had to bash the gems out of each other just to collect and use them. Though the abilities they use here seem to be more useful, I don’t particularly like the idea of having to fight over collectable boost gems. Or maybe they’re post-fight equips, idk.

But lets be real. This is Disney’s cheap marketing ploy for the Infinity Wars movie coming out next year. It’s all a slow build up for what will be mediocre. Hell, one of the “Super Hero Squad” games is about the fucking Infinity Gems too. All this Infinity stuff is getting redundant, is all I’m saying.

Aesthetics wise, i’m a little saddened that the cel-shaded look is gone in favor of generically plastic character models. Granted, the way MvC3 did it hurt my eyes, it had that comic book feel to it, while this game looks par the course. Almost lookin like the Smash Bros. graphical style which was ass to begin with.

Personal gripe that everyone will disagree with, I hate Hawkeye’s more modern costume. He just looks so basic and douchey. Yes, he’s cocky, but he’s still a super hero, dammit! give him his classic look! Don’t go the Ultimate X-Men route where they’re too embarrassed to wear a mask. What’s with Marvel always trying to put their heroes in casual/normal clothing!? You don’t see DC embarrassed maintaining and improving their own costumes over the years.

And by the balls of Ra, Thor is voiced by Travis Willingham! Get fucked! Surprisingly enough, his bitch Laura Bailey isn’t voicing Chun Li by the sounds of it.

But fuck all that, this game has a story this time around, and it’s as bare assed as it could be. 2 villains from Marvel and Capcom, robots, fuse together to make…Sigtron? And it’s up to both universes to stop it from using the Infinity gems.

You know… if you jackoffs were gonna do another Infinity War story obviously to promote future movies, why the pants-shitting fuck would you do it for a crossover game!? A crossover story should be about the crossover itself. Heroes from 2 universes colliding! How these 2 factions meet and what they do about it. But right off the bat, 2 robot villains merge and apparently Doctor Strange can’t just fuck him up by himself?

You know, as terrible as it was, Mortal Kombat vs DC had the right idea in terms of it’s premise. These beings meet for the first time, have major trust issues dealing with these new people, coordinate with their respective factions in how to deal with these beings, fight, then they put aside their petty shitfest to fight the true evil. And with a crossover that’s still more illogical than that, this would’ve been a great premise. Maybe they’ll do that with them all fighting over the gems, but the trailer doesn’t leave a lot to be hopeful for.

But hey! We get a real Avengers villain this time, not some punk bitch Taskmaster. Ultron getting in is actually pretty cool, and Amma knows he needs redemption after his lackluster movie. 

But even better than him was the announcement of Sigma! Omg the MMX respect couldn’t be more well deserved! Until

WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? 

You know, this is evidence that Warner Bros. has fucked fighting games even harder than before. Now we can look forward to a future of fighters with 2 distinct versions coming out at the same time, with the more expensive version being a complete game for the most part! At least until they come out with an Ultimate edition a year later at a cheaper price and all the added DLC! Capcom didn’t need to get any ideas after the massive amount of fans they pissed off last generation with their horses ass tactics. They were charging money for true endings for fuck’s sake! I’ll say this. If they have enough sense to put in Black Panther but enough dickery to make him deluxe exclusive, this game can fuck right off! 

And again, I don’t understand the appeal of toys with your videogames. But hell, it’s better than this stupid balloon I got with Persona Ultimax of… Teepo? It’s this blue bear in the game…. Teddy, that’s the fucker’s name. 

All in all, the game so far looks ok. We’re seeing more returning characters than new, but at least they have enough sense to keep Strider around and not dump him into Ultimate editions. I have some concerns regarding the story and Deluxe edition, but nothing too… oh who am I kidding, im pissed beyond belief with Sigma being Deluxed!

So here’s characters I want.

MARVEL: Black Panther, Falcon, Scarlett Witch, Venom, Mandarin, Enchanttess and it’s a longshot… but Shocker. Love that guy!

CAPCOM: Tiffany, Batsu, Maki, Axel, Lucia, and another longshot… Sean Matsuda!

….I suppose Dare Devil and Iris wouldn’t hurt either.

Funny how that happens. 

As you all could tell, my posting activity on this blog is so low, SF5’s sales records ooze with envy. My interest in videogames were nearly diminished. From all the companies I ever cared to talk about, I readily assumed the industry is all but fucked and I should care less what happens to each and every company. And for a while, I considered doing crappy movie reviews. Power Rangers was certainly on my mind gor a while, but I enjoyed the movie too damn much to shit on it.

And when I looked back to the gaming world, I was hit with a blastwave of shock value greater than a feminist’s reaction to the 8 tits of an animu school ninja.

How is that even possible!?” Was my reaction when reading headlines from an Aonuma Zelda game actually pleasing a vast majority of fans for a change, to 1-2 Switch getting dangerously close to 1 million seller status. From the dream come true that is the return of fucking Bomberman to the other dream of having an actual Megaman X character in an MvC crossover that isn’t some loli wank trash or an author fan character turned spotlight stealing whore riddled with angst and Johnny Yong Bosh. To a Mario game that for the first time since 64, greatly captures my interest over the heart breaking reveal of Xenoblade pandering to the Deviantarded crowd. To RE7 being scary again without any familiar characters. And then yah turn around and hear that a sequel is being made… for goddamn Shaq Fu!

How… the fuck… did all of this happen? As soon as I turn my back even for a second, all of these miracles start popping up like germaniums! 

I include Yoshinori Ono’s complete failure as a part of these miracles, it’s high time Capcom boots his sorry ass away from fighting games so that Street Fighter could actually be playable again! Hell, Arika should still be around! The only achievement of Street Fighter 5 is making an homage to the Clay Fighter series. How shitty does your character design have to be before you mistake the game you’re playing for the godawful To Hell and Back movie? Celebrity Death Match had better graphics and that was a parody!

What is that shit!? Is that the most plastic character model you’ve ever seen? Cause that’s what next gen technology was made for, uncanny valley fuglies with muscles that look like bacon strips.

Or a Dairy Queen smoothie, is the concept of muscularity so foreign that everytime you draw them, they come off more inflated than Casey Hudson’s ego!? Is that an arm or a shriveled bratwurst!? But hey, I guess tits can’t be the only body parts exaggerated, so there’s your equal treatment. Even though we can’t have an ass shot. 

Megaman X was overdue a fighting game appearance thanx to Inafune’s desire to shove his ego into everyone’s faces. Not only is X still the best damn variant of Mega Man out there, he’s also….*gasp* THE MAIN CHARACTER! What sense does it make to withhold his blue lovable ass from any crossover up until those PXZ games!? “Because he’s not the original Mega Man”?, fuck that noise! The Mega Man X series (up until 6) are some of the best damned action games ever created! And unlike pussy classic Mega Man, there’s no bullshit level design gimmicks that make the games harder to replay without queludes on deck. And no, I can’t spell that word! Hell, the fans of X could at least agree that more than one game in this series is damn good, and not go on worshipping only the 2nd game in the series. The fact that Mega Man Volnutt made it to a crossover before X is a goddamn crime of Inafune’s ego.

Not only that, but they also included Sigma! A shoddy attempt at inflating the preorder ratio, maybe, but none the less, they put in the guy who could make the T-1000 his bitch. Here’s my question. Ultron is also in the game, they’re both bosses, but Ultron looks to be available from the start, but Sigma is in a deluxe version!? Sorry… there’s a deluxe version before the game is officially released? Thanx alot Warner Bros! You’ve ruined Fighting games. 

The Nintendo side of things are even more ridiculous. Imagine a Zelda game designed with Aonuma on board that people happened to enjoy! Even though it starts off in a dungeon with block pushing puzzles for no discernable fucking reason it seems, the praise seems to stem from being harder than past Zelda games, which would be a plus if most of that difficulty wasn’t from a need for actual prep time or walking into a bitch of a dungeon you clearly weren’t ready for. But it’s much closer to the ol’ Zelda 1 for NES so fuck it. I’ll take what I can get. 

But more so with Mario Odyssy, a Mario title that takes a step or 2 away from the fruity kingdom and goes back to his roots in the big city. Afterall, Donkey Kong, Wrecking Crew, and Mario Bros. had to start somewhere, so why not return to a landscape that doesn’t make you embarrassed to play a Mario game? Even the other worlds in this game look exciting aside from foodland. And I can only hope that riding on sphinxes are not something relagated to puzzle solving.

All the while Sega comes around with Sonic Mania, or Sonic 4 the way people wanted… sort of.

With all these amazing things happening, you know the miracles im hoping for?




Anything’s possible. .. right?

To mother fucking Shaq Fu!

For the uninitiated, it was a marketing gimmick of the 90’s starring Shaq O’Neal in one of his less humiliating appearances outside of the court. A fighting game with great animation and fuck all else. And yet we can’t get a sequel/remake of Eternal Champions!? HERESY

Well, this bit of news isn’t as crazy as 1-2 Switch nearing 1 million sales.