Over the honeymoon (Elden Ring)

…. “whew”!



I tell yah, I almost got fucked off with Radagon and Elden Beast after realizing the “best summon” was healing him with every hit, and I died about 50 times to this… MOTHER…FU-, but… people were definitely not lying when they say the Mimic Tear was the best summon. I tried using Black Knife Titty or w/e it’s called, but it was healing the boss (I think that’s a bug) so he was prolonging the fight, thus ensuring my defeat on multiple occasions. It took me… 2… goddamn… months!

I can safely say that this game is… dynamite. It’s not perfect, there are a few things I do take issue with, but it’s overall a very satisfying experience, and I have to wonder why (mostly western) developers feel compelled to tear it down. That and Baulders Gate 3 which I’ve not played, but am no less surprised that western devs hate it so much. Elden Ring has… lots of good shit in here that makes it deserving of the praise it gets. Which is ironic for me considering that it is a souls-like. There’s a lot of freedom in the game, you’re not simply cramped in one area until you beat a boss, and you have actual options in attacking and defeating enemies and bosses…up to a point. That being said, the game… kinda tricks you into being a one trick pony of sorts. So here’s my experience with the game.

I started with an Astrologer even though I had no idea what the hell that entailed because the game’s overall explanation of each class was weirdly esoteric (having 2 different magic attributes that aren’t really explained all that well didn’t help, like what the fuck is the difference between intelligence and faith outside of idealogical differences?), but I went with the Astrologer because my experience in RPGs say that magic is the way to go. And… well… it’s worked out pretty well up until the final boss. And Rykard.

As with Code Vein and all those other souls-likes (this genre needs a better name, Amma…), I took everything slow which… is why it took me over a month to beat it, that and an unfortunate funeral that’s crippled what’s left of my sanity. Needless to say, I think this game has too many buttons to press, and I will be damned if I use the shoulders for melee attacks (why are developers trying to make this a thing!? Between Saints Row 4, Dragon Age Inquisition, Resident Evil, Terraria, Ghostrunner, Tales of Arise, and this game!), and you already know my issue with pressing in sticks. I actually found myself switching controls throughout the game depending on the situation because goddammit, there are too many controls to configure. Being a mage simplifies things as you’re mostly attacking enemies at range, and most of the extracurricular shit is meant for melee characters anyway. It wasn’t 100% smooth sailing as the game doesn’t seem to favor one style over the other (the afformentioned Rykard fight withstanding), so I didn’t struggle as much as I thought I would aside from all the boss fights. The boss fights can range from “ok that was fun” to “what in the righteous SHIT were they thinking when they made that fucker!?” A lot of the fights that the “fans” mentioned being so hard that they raged the most… turned out to be nothing for me. And the fights they say otherwise turned out to be nightmares. The Godskin duo only took 3 tries for me (the second time was because I was followed to the boss door, and one of those dickhead knights killed me from behind the door itself, which was honestly hilarious). Malenia took about 6 times before I killed that crazy healing bitch. Honestly, spamming summons to aggro a good chunk of the bosses is what carried me through the game if I’m being honest, that and Rock Sling being so overpowered when a vast majority of spells are infact terrible to use, and I know saying that just made a lot of ER fans piss blood in rage because for some reason, you’re not supposed to play the game with summons according to them because they “make you skip over mechanics” even though… summons are a mechanic, they put it… into the game… with the intent of the player using them… for boss fights in specific. Which is fine because… the boss fights in this game are utter dogshit.

From the moment I was fighting Rennala, I knew something was wrong with the boss design. Considering how the players play the game up until that point, these bosses are gimmicky at best. Having to run around a library just to find some annoying singing cripples in order to damage a 2-phase boss, only to get raped to crumbs by the bitch firing a goddamn rail cannon as soon as the fight starts. Morgott (all 3 fights) weren’t too bad. Radahn was like a puzzle to figure out (just let the summons do all the shit mopping and stay far away). Rykard REQUIRED melee to kill which chapped my ass to no end. Fire Giant also requires Melee on the first form because you need to get to them ankles, Malenia, the Sephiroth wannabe, can heal herself which is bullshit, Mohg… actually I killed him after 3 times, he wasn’t too bad. But an unavoidable bleed debuff is ass. Malekith was more infuriating than need be because… everytime I killed him, he also killed me, so 3/4 times, we both died at the same time and I was getting fucked off with the game at that point. Like everything after Leyndell (or the moment you fight Rykard), the game starts becoming draining after a bit which… shouldn’t be the case since everyone claims magic is “so easy” even though you’re kinda limited to one or two spells for the entire game while you look on with envy at all the remembrances having weapons and incantations that you can’t use because you chose Intelligence over Faith, all the while all the magic gear that people say is the best isn’t even in the 1.00 version of the game, so you will never be able to use the best shit available (Meteorite and Azur staves nowhere to be found). And then for all the boss guides, people only speak for melee builds as everyone thinks mages can ice skate uphill with Rock Sling forever, so actual tangible help for magic builds is hard to come by, so the only solution was to honestly grind and have more powerful summons.

Then there’s Radagon. That fight says fuck you and your strategies. Like… looking through all the “advice” online goes on about shit you don’t have access to, meaning you’d have to spend more time looking for specific items that don’t work out for your build (because again, ER fans only believe melee exists or melee is the only build that has difficulties on fights for Amma knows what reason), so when I actually needed help on these bastards, little to none could be found. So I was pretty much on my own, and aside from the gimmick fights (like Rykard), I barely had to change things up until after Leyndell where the game gets pretty stupid. It was still fun, mind you, but goddamn, it’s literally draining at that point. Most of it is optional, but I couldn’t imagine fighting Radagon without doing the optional shit just to be strong enough to fight the bastard. And I still needed to respec because there is no such thing as dodging that fucker’s attacks, and I was only at 28 Vigor around level 163-8, so I’d have to acquire well over 5 million haze… “haze”, I got Code Vein titties on the mind… “Runes”… just to get my Vigor above 50-60 which everyone recommends. Mimic Tear +10 that everyone hypes up, but because of what I believe is a bug, it always appeared that it’s health was always cut down to about a sliver of what it should’ve been, even after I respecd to give myself 60 Vigor, so I originally avoided using it out of fear that I’d waste a summon on Radagon. Got my dogs to +10, but Radagon’s crazy ass was fucking them up so badly, everytime I see them, the wolves legs are flown in the air like 3 times, and I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off! My dogs were getting fucked up, dude!

So I figure I’d try to parry his shit. Found a shield with Carian Retaliation which worked really well for those asshole Crucible knights, so I use it for Radagon. Son of a bitch goes through that shit like it’s snow. Reading online, some dude had a Crucible Shield or something that could block Holy Damage attacks via parry, and Radagon was still plowing him with no issue, allegedly, so I’m here with this Carian shield thinking “well this ain’t nothing in comparison, so why bother?”

So then I look up Black Knife Titty Summon, go to the Ringleader Evergaol and get raped to death by the boss. Now one tip actually helped, running away from the boss until that dickhead did it’s little super move red knife slashy… shit, and then unload on em, rinse and repeat, and that’s how I got that summon. So I level him up to +10 and went back to Radagon. Now this guy was actually doing work on the boy, making part 1 something of a breeze. So now the problem was Elden Beast, and I just… couldn’t… do it. Relying on Rock Sling for this fight is a shit show because the whale continues running away, and Rock Sling is too slow to catch it. Apparently, if you don’t nuke the bastard at the start of the fight, you’re not gonna win. I tried Meteorite of Astel, didn’t kill him like everyone else said it would. Tried the beam magic that has a different name in-game, didn’t kill him. Had +10 Carian Regal Scepter with S-int scaling at 96 INT, fyi, so I’m inclined to believe that was a lie.

And then I noticed that Tiche was actually healing the bosses with that red wave slash for some reason, and I was beyond fucked off with the final boss at that point to figure out what the hell was going on, so I just uninstalled out of pure frustration. Every “solution” requires shit that I’d have to grind for, and life’s too short to bother.

Then I reinstalled again because my own ego wouldn’t let me leave that shit alone after spending weeks playing it, and eventually… I chucked out my INT build for Faith just to use the Blasphemous Blade, swallowed my pride and went back to the goddamn mimic tear and… holy shit, it actually WORKED! I tell yah, when I heard that death scratch on the Whale, I literally screamed “FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!” Just like that crazy white boy struggling on the wind knight! 😛

Thor and the Cosmic Whale were fucking TEDIOUS, but eventually, Rykard’s phallic symbol won the day. I was honestly trying to respec for a black flame build or whatever, but I needed something that could end the fight, not just whittle it’s health down piece by piece (These assholes are too fast to keep trying to apply a debuff that last for less than 5 seconds). Personally, I don’t think it’s possible to wash these 2 clean, but I’m sure there are Youtube videos with autists piling on the buffs that I likely didn’t have anyway because most buffs were FAITH! Uggggggggggggggggh….

The boss design in this game is some shit, and I’m almost terrified of the fact that I’m not alone in this opinion. The blog title is starting to lose all meaning at this point. 😛

I think what was even more frustrating is that I’d have to go online to figure out half the shit in this game, so much so that even people who praise the idea of a game “not holding your hand” had no such love for the quest design alone. It’s almost as if gamers make erenious claims of what makes a good game, but when they actually get it, they hate it more. Because, as always, gamers are more concerned with trying to impress people rather than actually having valid insight into what makes for good game design. And because Americans are idiots, most of what they consider to be good game design is that which bludgeons people to death until they “learn the game properly”. Real “UnderTheMayo” kinds of people who think overcoming adversity is the only thing that matters in a game, because they played some old NES games and assumed people like them because they get fucked up so easily, nevermind the fact that only a fraction of NES titles went on the become famous, but that’s aside the point. If giving the player even a sliver of intel of what the fuck to do with certain items and NPC’s is akin to making a pact with the devil, then you don’t need to be designing games. I would’ve assumed the game was designed to sell guides or something because the game isn’t going to tell you need larvel tears (NOT Amber shards) to respec your build, or that increasing arcane increases drop rates from enemies, and maybe status effect debuffs.

And half the time, neither is the fanbase.



Lemme tell yah, I’ve peered into the mindsets of many different fandoms over the years, and I’ve never known one quite as clinically insane as the Elden Ring fandom. These people are wild as hell. When you have people that will shit on you for having a mild viewpoint of certain characters or lore tidbits of the game, you’re stepping into an insane asylum. So because fextralife was no help, and the Steam boards were filled with “git gud” cults, I went into the outer limits… and dared to lurk reddit. The boss design alone would drive any man into the pit of despair and desperation. Yet all I found was internet backdraft. People constantly at one another’s throats on how to approach the game. Git gud cults and people who fought against them… all the while people trying to shoot down the idea of even trying to HELP people beat the game! Why!? People are dying left and right to bosses and are going online in the hopes of gaining insight on how to win are instantly met with insults or self-centered know-it-alls who don’t provide them with advice at all, and only tell them that their mindset is wrong, “skill issue”. Oh and summoning is against the code of the dragon. NEVER recommend a summon because that is a sin punishable by death! Like… these dudes spend more time bitching about the player base and arguing with each other on the “correct” way to play the game that it’s almost rare to find help on the game! I get the feeling the players don’t want to actually help each other due to the existence of pvp (I’m helping my competition become stronger!? Fuck that!) or because they, like the FGC, are addicted to the culture of American Exceptionalism. This idea of “I’m special and exceptional because I beat the game, and I get to look at all these other wimps who can’t do it! Being the one above all makes me feel superior, and it’s in my best interest to deny them the secrets to my victory so that I remain on top and continue to fuel my already inflated ego”. It’s like rich people trying to block the construction of a homeless shelter or something. It’s telling when so many of these fans express their elation at everyone else’s frustration in the game’s mechanics and boss design, as though they enjoy the suffering of others.

So I get to choose from 3 endings. I went with the Duskborn ending since, if I understand the lore correctly, this means all Gods will lose their immortality and die from old age, meaning no permanent hierarchial systems will remain, and so that Erdtree won’t get a free meal from corpses that are strewn throughout the lands between. Also because Fia gives free hugs while killing me softly. Worth it. The ending is a bit of a let down since all it is… is me sitting on a thrown outside… with nothing to show for my efforts. Should’ve gone with the Stars ending….

I don’t think I’ll do a NG+ because the game itself is long enough as it is, and I do not believe in “harder difficulties” being a reward. Though the prospect of maximizing my new build is tempting, I don’t have the patience to do everything all over again, nor do I want to experience fighting Thor and Whale on a much higher difficulty just to get the other remembrance weapons/powers. Plus, I have that Dead Cells Castlevania release, so that’s automatically a much higher priority if only to wash the taste of that awful Netflix series out of my mouth. I probably shouldn’t be annoyed at the lack of Legacy of Darkness characters, but Symphony of the Night is getting too much love for being one of the weaker titles in the series. And Shanoa is only a background character! Wtf!?

I mean damn, I really thought this game would be sheer perfection. It started off great, there’s this massive sense of exploration, the lore was crazy and interesting… and then you get to the mountaintop of the fire giants, and it’s all downhill from there. It’s as though they were designed with one playstyle in mind. Again, I beat most of the major bosses on INT alone…. but that damn Radagon, mrrrmmmmMMMMM! That Pokemon Rock Throw shit wasn’t doing it, either cause they have a wretched amount of health, or because the rocks were too slow to catch them, I don’t know. I was just dying over and over again, Malenia was nothing compared to that asshole. Yeah I know he’s the final boss, but FUCK!

It’s kinda weird, I feel like I made a mistake in respecing because I was kinda plowing through everything with Rock Sling alone, I could snipe those annoying tree avatars from up high in elphael, I reemed the Godskin Duo that everyone hates (still a bullshit fight with them ressurecting 3 times, but they’re not as aggressive as other battles), and now I have a build where my INT is down from 96 to 18 just for the Rocksling alone, and all that time upgrading that one staff with S scailing, I don’t know. It’s like it worked so well for the majority of the game, but the final boss didn’t work out that well. That’s weird, I can’t even make sense of it. It’s not even like I just used Rock Sling throughout the game, I had Adula’s Moonblade, that was some fantastic shit right there, and of course the Pebble which is probably a meme somewhere, but I even used the Arc to clear out crowds of enemies. Sure it took a while considering the damage was ass, but it did indeed work for a majority of situations. But in close quarters, it’s terrible! Unless you have high dex, the Radagon Icon, and maybe even Millicent’s Prosthesis, you’re kinda fucked without the Carian Slicer or Adula’s Moonblade, and even then, the casting speed and or damage on those powers are kinda ASS! Rock Sling was simply too good in comparison to everything! And that doesn’t work against foes made of greased lightning. That and the sling just wasn’t doing enough damage to the bastard in the first place. I mean sure, Rock Sling was useless against the Fire Giant and I ended up having to use Moonveil for them ankles, but my strength was already piss weak to make the most use out of it, so it still took a long time. It’s like for the latter portion of the game, they just piled on the health and resistances, and you kinda have to cheese your way through everything. Most of the major bosses are gimmicks that require less of your build and more multi-tasking, now there’s a specific process you have to commit to in order to fight bosses. Rennala was a shit fight due to being more about running blindly throughout a dark library to find these singing bitches to bring down the wicked bitch of hogwarts, Radahn is literally sit back and let the summons do all the work, Rykard literally requires melee so an INT build is already useless, the bosses are frustrating because they do not take into account the type of shit that the game sets you up for in the first place. You’re not going to know that your build is automatically pointless in a fight against a giant snake. Hell it practically assumes you’re already a melee class! I suppose the lesson is “don’t overspecialize”, but that undercuts the customization if you ask me, considering that you’d have to invest points into multiple categories just to get the most out of every weapon you come across. It starts to feel like Borderlands where you have to waste points just to use certain things in the game while you screw yourself out of the attributes that you actually need for your build. I’m still fucked off over there being 2 magic categories. Either the Rock Sling or Taker’s Flame, can’t have both unless you’ve got a WOW addiction or something, or are on subsequent playthroughs.

I’m not at all a fan of this idea that you’d need to respec builds for each and every boss either, like many people have suggested one should do. Again like I said in previous posts about RPGs, this is time consuming and tedious. It’s worse here since you basically have to remember all the exact numbers you had before if you want to continue playing the way you did AFTER a shitty boss fight. And realistically speaking, that shouldn’t be a thing! Respecs are being treated as a crutch. A band-aid solution for a poorly balanced game.

But whatever, I beat it, that’s all that should matter, and honestly, playing with this damned sword is much more fun than creeping around corners and picking off enemies from afar. Perhaps that’s what I should take from it, but I felt so clever and smart not just rushing in there to fight enemies that are ALWAYS hiding behind corners! Then again, getting one-shotted because I thought being a glass cannon was fun is simply too much to ask for! It honestly doesn’t matter what build you pick, you’re ALWAYS a glass cannon because the damage these people do is waaaay too fucking much.

Had no idea this game was so messed up (Elden Ring)

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…. Soon as I find this dude, I’m gutting him. Then he can defile that asshat Gostic in hell.

Honestly, I haven’t had this much fun with an RPG since…. I wanna say Mass Effect 1, but then there’s the Deus Ex games.

*reads comments*

Wait, THESE guys made Armored Core!?