Category: Hardcore gamer ramblings


Well… it’s been a couple of months since S.Doom’s release, the drama is gone and *sigh*, I missed quite a show according to the peeps I’ve spoken with. To see all the meltdowns and alleged “mass conversions” that took place would’ve been a show more spectacular than the news of Nintendo wanting to kill off the Pii U.

It begs the question, when news of this game aaaaaaaaaand Lost Mind dropped, what in the fresh hell possessed people to support these games in the first place? There mere fact that they were exclusive to fledging Nintendo consoles alone was enough to smell a bust a mile away, yet people stubbornly clinged to a false pretense that there was bound to be success amid the rampant skepticism.

From the last few discussions I’ve had, it probably had jack shit to do with optimism of the games, but because they love the smell of their own asses.

I was talking with a lady (I believe she had guest appearances on Sonic Dissected and cursed someone out over Super Metroid) about the fandom’s obsession with Sonic Conventions. I hadn’t really thought about just how many Sonic conventions are held on a yearly basis, and it begs the question of “why!?” When the object of your fandom has a quality threshold that’s 3 degress below whaleshit, there’s nothing to be proud of, never the less waste money organizing conventions no one bothers attending. But her theory goes that it had squat to do with supporting the company’s direction taken with a series and more to do with showing that they are great fans.

I think to myself “How the hell did I not see this!?”. This is fanboy behavior 101. The issue of unwarranted self-importance. When you get fans that are pre-occupied with keeping up their image of being a “true fan”, the quality of the product becomes irrelevant. Thus, you get jackoffs like this.

Terrible singer he is. Makes my ears bleed. Problem is, most of the fans are like 20 years older and act the same way. And on a more disturbing level, they care way too much about the conduct and purity of other fans. Like all that fuss about “recolors”.  “Oh, don’t make your own fan characters that in no way have any impact on my life or on the franchise we support unless they are a specifically original! NO HEDGEHOGS OR ECHIDNAS or else you’re justifying the Archie Comics existence!” But beyond that psychopathic tendency, this is why so many flamewars exist, all that nonsense about “spewing hatred, not having an open mind” and all the rampant attacks on legitimately good Sonic games like Adventure 2 or even Sonic 2, all has it’s roots in trying to prove that the fans are purely good people. By showing how “grateful” one is to the company’s new fangled  policies of destroying the series, they couldn’t care. Their self-image is more important than a creative direction taken with a franchise.

This is why they really have such ass backwards logic. Why the Emo Zeti was more acceptable than Shadow the Hedgehog. Why there weren’t “no issues” taken with the fucking horrible Boom redesigns. Why everyone was “comfortable” with Nintendo potentially buying out Sega. They don’t actually believe their own shit! They simply want to show that they are supportive fans regardless. It’s like the Joss Whedon fanboys who barley watch a damn thing he makes, but strong arms everyone to bow down to his almighty omnipotence.

The fact that most of the Sonic fanbase has merged with Nintendo fans is also very revealing. Nintendo fans are the kings of ass kissing, most of all those goddamn Pokemon fans (I’ve always compared the 2 fandoms, and it’s easy to see why) who desperately try to make Pokemon seem more adult than it is by hyping up it’s “metagame” that composes of nothing more than bitching about Smogon’s rules and tier listings oh I’m rambling again. Nintendo fans NEVER want other Nintendo fans to have any legitimate complaints about Nintendo brand, otherwise it would create the impression that “OH NO! WE AREN’T 100% WILLFULLY BLIND SHEEP! Nintendo may not support us fans ever again with puzzelda games and Shit Fox!”. You should’ve SEEN the magnificent storms over Metroid Other M!

Why specific fanboys would act like this is simple to dissect. Gamers, and hardcore gamers on a grand scale, have a deep seated insecurity about their favorite pasttime. People always want to feel as though they are a part of something, and/or have a sense of status in the world. Whether it be piddly ass school programs or even protests (admit it. Some of ya’ll just WANT some shit to go down so you can “join a movement” and tell your grandkids that “yeah… I lived that shit“). So for many people who have no actual talent or achievements, we tend to latch onto whatever it is we find significant to our lives just so we can have a sense of belonging (for many people, this includes church goers, or even sports fans). A sense that you’re a part of a community. For gamers, it’s a much stronger desire as people who play video games are ostracized as hell. And this is the thing that makes gamers terrible people to hang out with half the time, they’re always angry and overly critical of any medium they see, being overly cynical, etc., because for some strange reason, being a cynical asshole is confused with being “intellectual”. That is, ofcourse, why you see gamers trying so hard to convince people that shit like San Andreas and Dead or Alive are “art”. They want to be perceived better than they are. If you need an example, piss off any artsy dipshit gamer and watch them fire back at you with “GO BACK TO YOUR SHITTY CALL OF DUTY, YOU FUCKING CASUAL!”

The fanboys, on the other hand, take a completely different approach in substituting cynicism with denial, something they confuse with “optimism”. So when you see some random shitbird defending Sonic Bomb or w/e, it’s really some arrogant fuck who thinks he can mitigate legitimate criticism and tell the fans to be in happy denial. And this seems to be an epidemic when it comes to Sonic fans.

That’s what makes the denial crowd so dangerous, you see. When you have shit lord companies like Sega looking for nothing but a quick buck, they can truly exploit these assholes because they know for a fact that they’re just going to support their game regardless. And then you have ol’ crusty bastards like Mike Bollocks getting into flamewars with the fans for some reason (that’s just what I’ve been told). Sega doesn’t even have to try to make their products look appealing, if they have fans that are obsessed with their vanities and their egos, they can truly put out w/e they damn well please. Either that or Sega honestly believes that’s how fans behave (which I doubt. Sega isn’t that stupid). Denial is, unfortunately, the only way you could be a sane Sonic fan. Being a fan of a D-Rank series isn’t easy, having to stomach low quality titles on a yearly basis is a test more grating than watching Think like a Man. After this point, however, I feel this won’t be a problem much longer. Sonic Boom was so bad, it destroyed the last 4 years of pent up denial with no trouble at all.

Now it’s been replaced with “cautious optimism” and people are banking on this 2016 movie to save the series. That’s rich. We’re relying on HOLLYWOOD to save Sonic!

……Well, they can’t do any worse now……. Amma, I hate that damn face!

Tales of the Borderlands should’ve just been a bunch of actual movies, not some episodic downloads of interactive movies. And I’m getting just fucking tired of Handsome Jack. If the rest of the Borderlands series is going to be about him, count me out.

I can’t imagine a more tasteless admission of defeat. Now all Sega needs to do is get rid of Mike Bollocks and we can have Robotnik being awesome again…. I think.

To hear that Boom has technical errors worse than 06 is surprising considering how well Sega’s been doing polishing their turds to fool people into thinking their games are worth anyone’s time. And Goddamn, you know a product is ass when a chunk of assholes don’t even stick around to finish it. It feels like Sega’s big merchandising plan is collapsing before retailers can get a single toy out of the deal. Namco got lucky. Hearing all the reasons for this massive turnover will be more epic than Sonic X-Treme’s development. Hell, even Sega knew the game was shit. If you have to stoop so low as to revoke what is essentially the right of free press to review your product… to avoid tarnishing your company’s image anymore than you already have, I don’t know what to say. Wait, yes I do. Congrats Sega, you’ve evolved from Dreamcast to Comcast!

So much for the fanboy’s BS on Ex-Naughty Dog folks being any good for Sonic. I would go far to say anyone who thinks the people behind Jak and Daxter have talent probably have no taste whatsoever, but that would be arrogant and I’m sure the amount of retorts would contain the words “Last of Us” because the people behind that game would totes be caught dead on a project like this. Would you trust Sonic in the hands of people that wanted to turn Robotnik some school boy nerd!?

Piss in me eye! Why are these even concepts for Robotnik in the first place!?

These are not the kind of people you would trust with anything resembling your childhood. I wouldn’t trust them with Bay’s rendition of the Ninja Turtles. Hollywood seems to be the only slaughterhouse that can get away with radically changing the appearance of iconic characters, and have no one bat an eye. This leads me to believe that in some dark part of the game industry’s psyche, they want to be more like Hollywood so they can make trash and do as they damn well please. I think games having such steep prices jolts a good dose of high standards in consumers that we haven’t reached a point where we sit back and allow some random jackass’s “vision” to get in the way of our entertainment.

But this is worse than I thought.

For a development team to up and say “fuck it” 6 months in advance and quit the project says a lot. They probably didn’t want their names to be tarnished just in case they get the opportunity to work on something they think is worth their time. Or something! Kinda creepy this happens right when I lose internet access…

So, it’s been proven that BRB and Nintendo are both unreliable in making a Sonic game, and Sega is yet again fixated on making money to notice. If western developers basically show no interest in developing a Sonic game, it shows how far the series has fallen. Many western devs still hold Mario games (even the shitty 3D ones) in their highest regards, but I bet no one wants to even mention Sonic in any of it’s incarnations. If we can’t rely on Nintendo or a Western developer to make a good Sonic game, then who can!? Don’t say the fan projects. Yes, they’re sexy and Freedom Planet looks damned delicious, but I’m talking people who are actually involved in the industry. All the talented people in the industry show no desire in Sonic to care about it’s quality. You will get more feedback about a Zelda game’s lacking quality than that of Sonic. The younger teams (like Ninja Theory and the like) seem to be a bunch of college idiots with all these wild visions of particular franchises that don’t at all seem to be particularly concerned with meeting or exceeding expectations. So we can’t rely on new blood either.

To drive that point further, the store I work at has a high turnover rate of employees, so I get to see lots of fresh faces in as little as a month. One particular coworker is a poor shmuck shackled with student debt. He’s also a nerd with poor diction. Breathtaking, isn’t it? Anywho, he’s one of the yahoos that’s an aspiring game developer who hasn’t had any time to work on his pet projects due to trying to pay off his debt. It’s hard not to feel sorry for the guy because it seems like he’s not going to ever get that dream job of his, and even if he does, it’s gonna beat his ass in the long haul. Even then, like most nerds, he argues about the potential of Boom being a good game regardless of all the issues presented. And this was before the game was released.

Of particular note, he felt that fans of the series were problematic and difficult to please, being as fans can be “picky” or overly demanding, and could cause the erosion of a particular series. At one point, he cited Dragon Ball as an example. The series kept continuing on into the Dreaded Cell and Buu sagas because fans wanted more when the series was supposed to end with Frieza. While I could sympathize considering I hated everything Cell Saga and up, blaming it on the fans is a red harring. Significant demand requires sufficient talent to meet the demand. If you’re not up to the task of meeting demand, pass the torch to someone who can and will.

Because of that situation, it’s probably best to never plan on an official “ending” to any series you make. You just might be forced to create more and more. Miyamoto never wanted to make another 2D Mario after World and was quoted as “making every game as if it were your last” in some dire hope of not having to be bothered again.

People are always gonna be passionate about a series they have a planned vision for, not when they’re simply told to make more and more crap for it. The quality will take a noticeable dip, but nah. That ain’t the fans fault. The company itself decided to make more shit. Therefore, it’s solely their responsibility.

But according to said nerd, it’s that people are “too had to please”. He is definitely not the kind of person you want in the industry. But we already have those kinds of people! That’s the fun part. And many of them happen to be a little too power hungry for anyone’s good. And since everyone is so hyper active in creating their own shitty versions of existing mythos, we can’t expect any good to come to Sonic from any external force. Again, Sonic has no business existing in this day and age. There’s too many cards stacked against it, and little to no hope of a recovery.

And I’m starting to feel like w/e good ideas the FANS on the internet have, Sega will just skim them and use them as some asshole selling point proclaiming that they “listened to fans” while creating a turd nugget of a product yet again. No one felt like Sega’s been pulling this kind of shit yet? Every time you get a certain amount of demand for Sonic to be a certain way, the immediate next Sonic game has “something resembling what fans asked for” but it turns out to be ass which further dehumanizes the fans and makes it seem like the fans don’t know what they want? Or is it just me? I mean everyone kept demanding a 2D Sonic game, Sonic 4 is shit, or Nintendo make a Sonic game and they kinda sorta did that with Lost Mind, then I came up with the idea of a western team to do Sonic right, and that blew over worse than anyone could imagine, it’s like Sega is creating false flags to crap over fans or something. Because the same company that was raking in dough from PSO2 would not be that stupid to constantly fuck up their mascot series.

 

I’m getting ahead of myself. I had been informed that some of those BRB members were fired midway through the project, possibly due to low funds. Which kinda makes sense seeing as not one of those ugly ass toys have arrived on store shelves yet. The other bunch left on their own accord. I don’t know how much Sega blew on this endeavor, but if they rolled bitches out that fast, either they lost faith on the project, rushed it to keep the deadline on releasing it with that stupid cartoon, or they wanted to desperately get out of this Nintendo exclusivity deal fast. “HERE! JUST PUT THE DAMN GAME OUT, THE SOONER WE GET THIS DONE, THE SOONER WE CAN ESCAPE THIS MAD HOUSE!” You’d have to be really suspicious of a corporation when they start trying to hide their products from reviewers. That reeks of them having no intent on fixing the series. It really is just a profit generating machine for them, and a really dodgy one at that. All this nonsense about targeting younger demographics, removing games from store shelves with bad reviews, and hiding review copies to keep people in the dark until the game comes out is dirty as shit. If anything, I can’t blame those BRB legions that left. Sega has become a real monster of a corporation. Their behavior since 2008 is no short of amazing and bewildering.

Still, no excuse to make crap designs and leave a game unfinished, but understandable to some degree. In either case, we can really say Sonic is doomed for any future game that comes out as it seems no company that exists has any vested interest in the series to crap out a decent product. And because all the real talent exists in the non-credential sectors of the globe, The only place a Sonic fan could call home is the PC. Kinda scary for a once Arcade Centric franchise to get personal

I really gotta work on better closing remarks. More and more, I’m starting to think back to that one guy who suggested copyright law be abolished. Sure, the only franchise that would benefit from that would be Sonic, but hell, we here in America like to think that competition is healthy for… some reason. Why not get rid of laws that exist only to protect corporate interests when they damn sure don’t care about OUR interests, rite? That’ll promote lots of competition! If companies weren’t such greedy pussies. I’d like to think Sega would step their game up if the fans were allowed to financially compete against them.

Oh Amma, I love this song

I was havin a conversation the other day… with some asshole… on what the worst thing about today’s games is that is keeping people from enjoying them, starting off with Mario. Funny, he’s proclaimed himself to be a Nintendo fanboy but… can’t seem to understand why Mario is shit today. He’s played and praised just about every 3D Mario up until 3D World, which is odd considering that game tries to be a 3D NSMB game. It’s odd how Mario fans seem to hate the Mario games that don’t have bullshit in them. I tell him straight up that it’s because the game’s main objectives stem from needing to fetch shit. I think Mack pointed it out in an earlier post about Extrinsic motivation.

Modern games are all about extrinsic motivation, game’s main campaign mode = one big extrinsic motivator, extrinsic motivation –> long-term goals, everything you do in RPGs and collectathons ultimately serve to progress the campaign mode.

To translate, you become the game’s bitch. You do all this goofy shit just to progress. And ultimately, that’s what it comes down to where the game plays you and not the other way around.

In the case of 3D Mario, what is it that you are ultimately doing? Running around trying to find random macguffins to progress to the next world/hub to get to more worlds and repeat the process. These are very time consuming objectives, and by the end of the game, you’ll be exhausted from the game’s own stupidity and bore-ish activities to bother with a second playthrough.  The very nature of 3D Mario goes against natural progression.

Now, the odd thing is when I talk about fetch quests being a pain in the ass, I’ve not had one person disagree with me… until now. For some reason, he took offense to the notion. You know what this bitch said?

Does Pac Man suck then? After all, it’s  a fetch quest. You move around a board trying to collect dots.

….Now how many of ya’ll would sit there and think “he’s absolutely right”? A good portion, I would bet. Because Pac Man was pleasantly popular way back yander, this would give credence to the notion that “fetch quests are A-OK!” So of course, the normal response would be to say how different Pac Man is from 3D Mario games in terms of how you do this “collecting”, but this would make dumb fuck go on to say “then we change it to the way Pac Man does it”.

Instead, I asked him what he liked most about Pac Man. I asked if he enjoyed gobbling up dots.

His response is “I mean, that’s just what you gotta do to-”

“Naw dawg, do you like that aspect?”

“It’s just the thing you do-”

“Mother fucker, do you like it?”

“…..Naw man”

“Then what do you like about Pac Man?”

“I don’t really like Pac Man”

“What’s that mean? Do you like it or not?”

“Naw”

‘Then why do you think people like it?”

“…..I don’t know, it’s just-”

“Ok, you don’t know. Then how the hell do you figure that people would up and like fetch quests because Pac Man had it?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“But you implied it, foo!”

Anyway, I don’t even have to explain the differences between Pac Man and 3D Mario, it’s as clear as daylight. W/e the case is, yeah, there’s plenty of Arcade games that have bullshit in them. That’s why a good majority aren’t remembered fondly, you see. The question we should be asking is why games still have them. If we have fetch quests because of Pac Man of all shit, then all this talk about improving gameplay is hot air. Todays designers have made Pac Man’s gameplay WORSE, if that’s the case.

Why this person felt the need to justify the bullshit we have in games today by reaching back into history to grab up at least one example of this shit existing is beyond me. And so many people of this generation are so prone to doing this. Just because a previous game had something… doesn’t make it good! Sonic Adventure 1, Heroes, and Shadow the Hedgehog had characters talking to each other. That doesn’t automatically mean it’s a series staple that has to be revived for later installments, especially if you’re gonna make it many times worse!

Now they talk too fucking much! This is distracting and irritating, and is nothing like A4O. Nothing they say s even remotely funny or interesting, it makes them out to be a bunch of college douche bags. Shit, I was right when I said the characters are co-opting actual interaction with you and someone else, thereby making it less fun for everyone else.

Aside from that, Zelda games had puzzles since Zelda 3 on the SNES. Doesn’t mean people like or want them back. Just because old shit had vices doesn’t mean it’s ok for new games to have them. And for the record, Pac Man wasn’t a fetch quest in terms of how 3D Mario and all other shit like it does it. But apparently, that won’t stop people from using it as an example.

But see, that’s the thing. He was so busy trying to be a smart ass, he glossed over why Pac Man was crack, man. And he didn’t know at all. Our generation today has a hard time explaining why old shit was popular because our tastes is supposedly different from the generation previously, and because everyone is a graphic’s whore. People today just get offended by shit for no reason. No one has fun doing fetch quests! But beyond all reason, he seemed to think it was important to 3D Mario in some sort of way. How? I doubt he could explain. He just wanted to be a smart ass. People don’t usually react with statements like that unless they truly felt it was wrong in some way. He even admits that he doesn’t like most platformers that have the same damn format as 3D Mario, so there’s no way in the jaws of ammut that he could love fetch quests. But because “Pac Man supposedly had them”, it’s ok for current day platformers to have them because Pac Man was popular.

History shouldn’t be a crutch to justify the vices of the modern world. It’s like when some boot lickin negroes would go around the bush spittin about how “Africans sold Africans into slavery”, a loaded statement if there ever was. Instead of forgiving the ancestors for their part like they forgave the white boys, since they obviously had no problem forgiving them, they choose to justify an atrocity.

Our generation has to be some of the dumbest mother fuckers in the world. I can see why Sonic Retro’s asshole is so tight, you’d need a jack hammer to squeeze a nickel through their butt cheeks. Stupid mother fuckers like this are so common. Their intent isn’t to have rational discussion, but to either learn for fucking argument, or to be funny. In the case of gaming, it’s like moths to a flame. It attracts some of the worst people ever known. Mainly because video games are such an unimportant aspect of people’s lives, there’s less chance of people taking shit personally. But damn if it ain’t irritating.

Seriously, Pac Man? I actually played Super Pac Man, Pac and Pal.. damn, Namco actually fucked them up, going on dumb ass’s logic and making the “fetch parts” more un fun than usual. You have to actually find keys to open up fruit gates and stuffs, they made it tedious as hell. People like cleverly navigating the mazes to avoid ghosts and doing cheesy cool shit like waiting for them to get lose before eating a super pellet. The act of eating pellets is just what people do to complete  stage, what makes it exciting are those asshole ghosts. 3D Mario, you’re just doing goofy bullshit to collect your prizes one at a time. And it’s not like the pellets at all, this shit is spread out through so many worlds and you need a certain number of them to progress!? And the numbers get bigger as you progress. Pac Man is a set maze, the objective is the same. What changes? The intensity of the danger. Those ghosts get smart reaaaaaaaal fast.

I mean… how the fuck do you compare Pac Man to 3D Mario based on an objective? It’s like the dumbass that tried to say Sonic Riders was a Mario Kart ripoff because the Speed/Fly/Power typings were similar to weight classes. Fucking Nintards, man.

No, I’m not a dev.

I know this post won’t be featured on anything considering the “SINFUL THOUGTS” I posted earlier will more than likely deter everyone, but regardless, I’m a little disturbed why we can’t just use the term “REAL Multiplayer” to describe Local.

I don’t know why developers would need to explain why they continue using Local Multiplayer. It’s not an element of gaming that should ever be abolished, which seems to be the implication of the article.

To put it bluntly, to me, Online Gaming has no appeal to me. Mostly because the people you end up playing with/against.. happen to be fuckwits. Hardcore gamers are the most likely opponents you deal with in Online gaming sessions, and if message boards and some blogs are any indication, they aren’t very desirable people to be around.

Or the more accepted version because it’s “funny”

The internet brings out the absolute worst behaviors in people. Given the almighty power of anonymity, the Hardcore are free to show people their asses with no regard for any silly concepts such as “sportsmanships”. “Courtesy” and “Consideration”. Or anything pertaining to the phrase “play nice”. “That’s for pussies”. In all seriousness, Online gaming is nothing more than a mini-alpha male environment comprised of people who more or less go into some NatGeo behavioral pattern of comparing sizes. If Xbox Live alone isn’t enough, you can check out games like Grand Chase where the community will be more than happy to bemoan you just for having crappier gear.

So why not just invite “friends only”? No one should have to go through the trouble of filtering in and out specific screen names just to have a grief-free gaming experience. And half the time, all it will amount to is joining up in a forum, making a thread, and specifically asking certain players for help in a video game. This, I feel,  trivializes the appeal of online coop into some “community” self-help service where detached players must beg message boards for in-game help. It takes away the “soul” of the coop experience. Having an actual friend or sibling along to tackle a game together.

And even then, playing with people online feels incredibly detached. Half the time, you’re basically watching several more characters join you in a quest to do w/e it takes to win. They might as well be AI controlled characters. Playing Dragon’s Crown truly gives you that detached feeling of how an Online game usually goes. Players will have no sense of true coordination and will simply do their own thing to get through hoards of enemies and/or rival teams. You don’t know what goes on in the minds of the other players, you simply see them failing worse than you or doing a helluva lot better than you at destroying enemies or you. Nothing screams detached more than the prospect of Online gaming allowing you to play with gamers from all around the world right in your living room. What’s the difference between that and playing against someone 5 states away from you? The latency? Probably. Players might have the options of posting up their flags to give the indication that they speak an authentic language, but you still get the same type of game time where you see random characters running around doing their own stuff. The excitement of playing with people globally is diminished by their lacking presence to give you an indication that you are playing people globally. At the end of the day, you’re really just playing alone pretending that you are playing with people.

A big problem with this is due to the lack of communication. Since most games adopt a “type your response in” kind of communication set for people too cheap to buy a microphone, you’d literally have to stop playing the game just to talk the people you’re playing with. It’s a hindrance for sure. But then the usual response is of course to buy a microphone. I don’t know why I have to purchase the ability to talk to people, especially since most of them are the aforementioned bastards that many would rather have no business with.

Not to say this is exclusive to online settings, but ratio-wise… yeah. The best the local cats have to deal with are children and teenagers.

There also the financial prospect which… I’m sure most well-off people will disregard. You pay for the console, you pay for the pricey ass games, you pay for the internet subscription, you might pay for the in-game subscriptions if need be, you pay for the microphone for in-game communication, and you’re off to play a game where you can barely connect half the friggin time. Most areas within the US have shit internet or NO internet at all to work with. When people raised hell about Xbone possibly being “always online”, everyone had mentioned that not everyone in the country had equal access to the internet on a regular basis, or at all even. Why use all the resources when I could invite some folks over and only use the electricity? Especially as much energy the Piss Station uses?

Everyone I’ve contacted in some way knows I have shit internet. And when I move at the end of the month, I won’t have ANY internet available, so if I wanted someone around to tackle a game with… or have someone’s ass to kick, I would need to get out of the house/apartment to find folks with the same idiotic interests that I have.

And in particular regards to fighting games, I would prefer this because I would know for sure if I’m gettin my ass whipped legitimately. You know how everyone complains about bad netcode for every fighting game available? Because for some reason, the games struggle to maintain a consistent connection between you and the player 5 states away, and this comes at the expense of overall playability. Controls will have these very noticable delays between the initial input and the actions on screen. It’s rare to find a lag free match in which you could perform well in a game based around fast reaction times. Not to mention the glitchyness of a game with bad latency. Players could see if other players are “warping” around the room, or if the game seems to “pause” midplay. It’s a completely different experience when you go from smooth ass local… into bugged up online. The horror stories I’ve had from trying MK9 and PSASBR online, maaaaan.

This kinda looks fun. 😛

I’m aware as people get older, playing games with other people around you becomes that much harder as there becomes less time for leisurely activities in order to feed families or keep your house/apartment in order. So if you had the desire to play a game, you damn sure don’t want to play it alone. Playing games alone isn’t that fun. Anyone can attest to that. People who play games alone are more likely to do so as a means of relieving stress or to curb boredom. But if you’re really into a game and you’re at an age where everyone is too old to be “invited” for a game, yeah, online seems like a benefit (or even having family over with some hyper active kids you can show off to). Otherwise, it’s not so much a staple, but an adult’s alternative to getting social gaming. And it’s not a real multiplayer experience. It’s more of a crutch. You know… you’re old and shit you had access to (like friends with interests in games) start becoming rare, then you get to one of those “age crisis’s” and… dammit, I’m rambling. Kinda sounds depressing in a way.

The appeal of Local Gaming stems from the fact that Gaming has always been a social activity. People are social creatures. They don’t want to give up their ability to be around people just because it’s a digital space. All the teenage freaks online… that’s another story. I’d blame that on the public school of how kids are dragged to institutions surrounded by complete strangers with too much pent up energy being forced to take tests not because they need their skills to be evaluated, but so the schools can pound their chests at how much better their teachers are…. but that is irrelevant.

….Seriously, Play Brawl and tell me if Online made a difference for that game. 😛

You know, over time, when you get older you start to realize that most games you enjoyed in your youth aren’t all they’re really cracked up to be. Infact, you’d think you were brain dead retarded when you first loved them. I know the feeling from countless N64 games (Don’t know what I saw in Space Station Silicon Valley).

Often times, for the sake of being “brutally honest” (a euphemism for “controversy baiting”), several reviewers, bloggers, and even journalists will outright attack what is deemed a “sacred cow” in the hardcore world. Xplay went out on a limb and said FF7 sucked just to generate hate mail. Square tards used to be that easy to rile up back then. Unfortunately, you never see anyone rip any of these games to shreds. These are games that are damn near immune to criticism but could be some of the biggest pieces of shit to grace a gaming device.

Lets be frank here, I love Treasure Inc. They’ve made some of the best action games in the history of action gamedom, from Alien Soldier to Mischief Makers and even Sin and Punishment 2 on the Wii. Hell, even Bangai-O has it’s moments. But when it came to the GBA, their output equated to an inert brick. If you’re not a fan of slowdown, the GBA was not the portable to own, but those problems seemed quadrupled when Treasure is around. Or more specifically when they’re being jerked around by the assholes at SegaSammy. Here’s an idea folks, how about not making a game that looks too damn blurry to see!

I’ve hated games that scrolled the screen too fast for you to notice any nearby enemies and while GSH isn’t that bad about it, combined with muddy ass sprites and enemies that blend a little too well with the scenery (even without matching colors!) becomes a piece of fecal matter and a peanut. A pain in my ass. But lets not forget about the combat, the one element that was supposedly improved in this sequel where your character is given melee attacks that feel more tacked on than they feel practical. While you’re flying around the room showing off your wire fu, enemies are free to fire away with their guns and turrets knocking you on your chaps, crying for relief along the way.

But don’t worry. Combat is still relatively fun… when you’re actually in combat. The jackoffs at SegaSammy had a sip of Nintendo’s vanity juice and decided to cram in several of their unmemorable arcade games. After Burner only works when you’re able to move your game character, Sega! Not just rotating the screen to avoid 2-dimensional missiles that make depth perception impossible to discern. When you’re not doing that, you have little chickens to find in a disorientating forest that for some goddamn reason ROTATES when you move! Not only is this a fetch quest, it’s a spinning labyrinth that you get lost in even though it’s tiny! And how many people actually enjoyed Flicky!? It was a crappy arcade game that Sega seems to adore, they shoved it into so many unnecessary games like Sonic 3D Blast and Mega Collection. Here’s, it’s a much greater pain in the ass when you’ve got enemies who can knock your collection of future KFC prey back onto the map and then you’re back to finding them all over again. FUN RIGHT!? Ah, but then there’s a top down version of Sega’s “Thunder…. name I can’t remember”. Here, you’re in a chopper dealing with walls and tiny ass enemies and bullets you have no real means of avoiding. This segment is a glorified endurance test. It’s slow, it’s very tedious, and takes up more time than the whole level itself.

For a game that’s listed as a “run and gun” game, you spend more time NOT running and is instead chained to some arbitrary minigame shitfest like the board game that should never have returned from the original game! Here’s a nice concept, if you’re at the finish line and you roll a number bigger than the amount of spaces you need, you go to a garbage dump! What do you here? You play Mr. Driller with a Desert Eagle. You fail, you die and start over. You succeed? You… start the fuck over anyway. What a genius idea! Create a minigame based around CHANCE… and create a reward and punishment based on events that are completely out of control! Hey Capcom, tired of leaps forward in fun factor for Devil May Cry 4!? Well get ready to take a step back to the world of Gunstar for ideas in how to piss off your fans!

That’s all this game is. 30% run and gun, 70% w/e bullshit these bastards have in store for you! Good thing it’s short! Right? RIGHT!?

What a fucking pile! I’ve been a staunch detractor of the “puzzle platformer fetch quest” fad that successfully died around 2003, but for good reason, Banjo Kazooie sticks out like a sore thumb. Mainly because I got a video copy of this game’s trailer in the mail that spelled out all the nuances of this nonsense. Most shit stain platformers at least came with decent attacks that didn’t feel awkward in 3D. Even Mario Sunshine has better combat! You know how we evolve Mario 64’s combat system? How about we give these characters a shit load of moves that eat away at their supplies!? A platforming game with the micromanagement BS we’ve dealt with from games like Resident Evil and every RPG in existence! You need red feathers just to fly and do crazy shit, gold feathers to make you invincible, eggs just to use your one and only useful attack in the game, shooting and shitting at enemies!

9 of the most uninspired worlds in the history of gaming. You get some random mountainside, a beach, a sewer, a swamp, a snow place, a desert, a haunted house, a ship harbor, and a forest that became the inspiration for Zelda Oracle of Seasons. At the same time, at least most other platformers had sensible explanations for how characters could travel to different worlds. Mario 64 had magical paintings, Vexx had portals, Jak and Daxter is really just one big open world island. Gruntilda’s mountain just has… caves and pipes. All of which you had to piece together several puzzle pieces just to fucking access! Great, so when I get said number of puzzle pieces, I now have access to the next world… no I don’t! Unfortunately, there’s this arbitrary door in my way that says I need a large ass number of music notes just to progress! Holy shit, 2 SEPARATE MACGUFFINS TO LOOK FOR! Double the fetch quest obviously means double the fun! What a bunch of dicks, you require 2 separate sets of items to progress through the game. Collecting puzzle pieces just wasn’t enough for these sadistic bastards, now I have another relic bundle to keep track of while I revisit the same locations over and over just to find shit.

And what is all of this for!? To save Banjo’s little sister? Why was she captured!? Because this wicked witch needs tootie’s beauty to not look ugly as hell. I’m sorry, this girl is like… 7 years old at best, w/e beauty she has, it hasn’t bloomed an inch. At least Crash Bandicoot’s sister had jail bait status. And even after you save the tramp after a torture test of a board game, the game still isn’t over. No! You have to find even more puzzle pieces just to fight the final boss herself in what can be explained as my entire reasoning behind why multi-part boss fights suck ass these days. There’s like 5 friggin parts to this whole fight!

Banjo Kazooie has always been undeserving of it’s praise and only seemed to gain it because  western 3D platformers were immensely popular for simply being in 3 fucking D! The late 90s was the industry glorifying western platformers as if to claim some sort of triumph in carving a niche of fans that stuck around in a much shorter time than Mega Man’s relevancy. There’s a reason why barely anyone recalls the late 90s 3D platformer saturation, and Banjo’s utter stupidity is proof fucking positive.

3D Platformers are nothing more than glorified Adventure games with an emphasis on exploration to find crap rather than actual challenge. Unfortunately, the western industry is so in love with the adventure genre, they renamed it “Triple A” just to hype that piece of shit genre up.

Of all the rage I spent pissing away on “Into the Nexus”, I’m actually quite glad that my first entries were a bad spinoff and Tools of Destruction. If I had played the first game… first, then I’d never come back to the series. If I played 2 afterward, I would treat Ratchet and Clank the same way I treat Jak and Daxter. Going Commando couldn’t possibly get away with “most tedious Ratchet game in existence” as All 4 One still exists, but going so far as to consider how massively underpowered you will feel through out the course of the game is a start. Damage scaling and ammo starvation create a sense of non-badassery as you find yourself NOT engaging against enemy hostiles and spending more time scavenging for supplies. No matter how many times I upgrade my weapons, they are still no match for the thugs4less enemies that seem more overpowered than the spiders in Devil May Cry.

Why did the first 2 Ratchet games make you afraid of engaging enemies? Especially since the sequel boasted about it’s improved combat system, we didn’t see any actual improvements until the best game in the series, Up Your Arsenal. What you get are weapons that feel like they can do something which seems to only piss off your enemies, and improved controls which is most appreciated (oy, did I just use the “A” word!?). When the game isn’t busy not being shit, it gives you enemies that will completely decimate you with reckless abandon. How fucked is your life when you’re staring down a bridge filled with nigh-impervious tanks? You have lots of ammo deposits emptied where by you have to buy more ammo later on because good luck finding that shit in the wild. Insomniac couldn’t seem to remove the bullet sponge effect as damage scaling in this game was unbalanced. When you have only 2 weapons that are truly useful for anything in the later half the game, you know it’s fucked. At least when the game allows you to use your weapons. There’s one boss fight in the city in which you have to run around and find turrets just to kill a giant robot boss whom you can only seem to tickle. This fight literally took me 20 minutes because I CAN’T UPGRADE RANDOM FUCKING TURRETS!

Ah, but there’s the plot. The first game was compelling enough to see Ratchet and Clank work out their differences to stop a corporate wanker who schemed to destroy the planets of POOR people in order to funnel more money into his bank account. How do you beat that? Why… by making smirf looking Venonats as the game’s new bunches of enemies! I’m wrapping my head around who in the green fuck thought this was a good plot! The only significant aspect of the game was Qwark’s asshattery, but beyond that, this was one game that everyone could skip. Play Up Your Arsenal after the first game, you would barely notice the details.

Say kids, you like execution complexity? Well get ready for a time when fighting game developers knew jack shit about accessibility like oh Idk CAPCOM, the same company that thought using 6 button inputs was a good idea. Of course, everyone would be able to get a handle on the control layout, but slap that shit into CPS2 and prepare for pain. Virtua Fighter players would blush at SFA3’s execution.

Why is it that more than half the roster of characters are practically unplayable? Could be because some of their worst moves are configured to 3 different button inputs? Shit like Guile’s somersault strike super is enough to make any grown man cry at his bleeding palms. What psychopath figured it was a good idea to configure a super motion to a charge DownBack motion, and then rapidly fire DownForward, DownBack, UpForward, Kick just to pull off a most unimpressive super attack that could’ve just been easily configured as a DownForward 2x motion? Apparently the crazy fucks at Capcom! These bastids have move executions that really aren’t befitting of the end result, and the charge times on some of these moves are often too long to be useful.

But that’s got nothing on the  gutted Alpha Counter system which is so utterly worthless, it’s not even considered a viable strategy. Along with SC5’s Gutted Impact system, Alpha Counters were unintuitive little shits and giggles where you use up meter just to counter what is essentially a move that would probably not be too dangerous. Reason it’s not recommened is because you fucking need your meter. Street Fighter turned into micromanagement fighter where keeping a watchful eye on your meter became more important than the actual fight, where players would fly around the room whiffing their attacks just to build up enough meter to use their AWESOME SUPER POWERS! That said, why waste Alpha Counters on moves when chip damage doesn’t have that much risk when meter building is just too important!? Not to mention the damage dealt is completely ass in comparison to Alpha 2. Or how about the beginning of the end for rewarding play with the introduction of guard crushes!? You know when fighting games actually required a little defensive tactics every now and then to ensure that you don’t die? Yeah, for some reason developers thought this was problematic and decided “lets change that shit up so there will be more offensive play in mind” which means jack shit for characters with charge motions

I have no clue why Capcom made so many alterations to Alpha 3, maybe they were trying to pound the idea into your head that this is a new game, and to get their point across, they’ve thrown out what works and made illogical changes out of spite. 2 buttons throws are ass, Guard Meter punishes defensive play

Even if you manage to learn any of the overtly inaccessible characters, all of your efforts will be meaningless in the face of Akuma, or more specifically V-ism Akuma. When he’s not busy being the wetdream of every loud mouth kid online in SF4. Akuma is such a one-dimensional character that I’m really not that shocked and angered by his repeat usage anymore, but back then, this bitch was merciless. For those that live in a cave, V-ism gives you custom combos or “gay ass after-images that hurt people”. Activating it means you will dominate almost 100% of the time. Why? Could be thanks to the immense juggling properties the Vism possesses, the Tekken retards would be calling for help. But in the hands of Akuma, you might as well forget the concept of winning. Akuma has always been an overpowered shit stain, but Vism takes his already high-damage and priority moves and amps them up to disproportionate levels. If it’s not VAkuma, it’s the retard FGC that would be in a hurry to find a youtube video of Vakuma losing to a low tier character just to show that Vakuma is somehow not overpowered.

And why wouldn’t you use Vakuma? The roster of characters (being nigh inaccessible) are just boring characters in general. You have characters from an old relic called Final Fight whom’s ass was thoroughly kicked by the supremacy of Streets of Rage. You get Guy and Cody, but then you get 2 total nobodies from the Mad Gear gang. Joy! The highlight of the Alpha series was drawing connections to an old beat em up for no reason other than to have them in the series. Then you get Rainbow Mika who was possibly only added to have a Zangeif with boobs and a stink face move. Other retarded character choices are Karin who is a rich girl and rival to Sakura. WOW! Foreshadowing the irrelevancy of Asuka and Lily in Tekken! Alpha 3 has the most boring and uninteresting roster of characters ever to grace any fighting game second only to Virtua Fighter. Not to mention it’s some prequel so obviously characters look younger in order to appease Japan’s obsession with youth.

Capcom has a nasty habit of creating fighting games with uninteresting characters with the exception of the Marvel vs Series where they practically had no choice but to use all the cool bits for the game. But SFA3 is crammed with no one you want to use. Unfortunately, this trend continued with SF3 and 4.

Speaking of that obsession with youth, here’s another damn prequel starring a high school student named Dante! At least… he looks like one.

Along with Capcom’s obsession with origin stories, this one covers the tale of how Vergil became a boss encounter in the first game, something we can’t help to give no fucks about. Which is ironic given that the only game in the series that has the best narrative unfortunately becomes the least enjoyable entry in the entire series.

Lets take a simplified control scheme from DMC2, a game that is a guilty pleasure of mine, and screw that up with some awkward “style” system which nerfs the dodge function by adding delay and long recovery times while limiting it to a style that gets no other perks like the other 3 styles, one built for sword combos, one built for special gun attacks I think, and another for counter attacks. You know what would be better? Having the ability to switch between all different functions on the fly! I can’t stand games where you’re limited to using certain functions until you’ve completed a level where the option to switch becomes available, or find little nodes in between levels to do so from there.

I haven’t seen where people were so fed up with the difficult aside from 2 boss battles. Agni & Rudra, and motherfucking Vergil. Ok Fine, Vergil’s the main antagonist. He’s supposed to do all the asskicking, but if you needed proof that 3D and action games don’t mix, then look no further than DMC3’s camera and the need to fight 2 bosses at once! And not just any pair of bosses, you’re fighting kung fu legends. 2 big ass statues that took some classes from Hwang from Soul Calibur who decided to use DMC3’s shit camera to their advantage all the while having superior blocking, dodging, and counter attack measures all the while sporting super moves like fiery tornadoes. Wish I could do all that at once, but I don’t have a node on hand, and because you assholes are so cheap, I couldn’t bare facing you 2 without my nerfed evasive maneuver from a previous title! Who the hell thought this was a great idea? DMC is already a difficult enough series, but putting in 2 bosses in a microscopic room with enough clutter to throw you off isn’t my idea of fun.

Infact, the whole game isn’t even fun. Combat becomes a boring chore by the time all the enthusiasm you had for making “sweet looking combos” goes the way of  vapor, and the game goes into that “Adventure” bullshit in which you have so much backtracking on hand. You could easily get lost in this game thanks to every area being copy/pasted horse piss as well as having the most unintuitive map and saving system ever. A game where you can easily get lost and not have a viable save function is a double negative, having boss battles that take longer than 10 minutes is a triple negative. The fact that this tween Dante appears in MVC3 over the superior DMC2 awesomeness Dante is a quadruple negative! It’s not compelling, it cannot engage you, it’s combat is even more dull than DMC2’s spammy pistol-whippin fest, it has no convenient game flow, and is a much worse DMC4 gameplay wise.

Trying to go back to playing Metroid 3 is an exercise in boredom. The only thing this game has is atmosphere, although with the existence of REmake on the gamecube, Revelations on 3DS and HD, and even Metroid Prime 1 & 2, Metroid 3 has aged about as well as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gut.

The first 2 games in the series promoted exploration through choice rather than requirement in which the games possessed items that weren’t mandatory to your progress through the game. Imagine not needing to have the long beam or the screw attack in order to progress, you didn’t have a bazillion fucking obstacles in your way basically shoving into your face that you need X item to progress beyond this point! People have suggested that Aonuma Zelda was guilty of having mechanical overworlds that advertised mandatory items to progress, but all that bullshit started with this game. How many green and yellow doors do I have to pass up before I can find the only blue/red door in the whole corridor? Oh, you wanna bomb this wall to discover a secret passage? Well fuck you loser, you need FLASH boots for this bitch!

You weren’t arbitrarily locked out of an area until you found the appropriate item in the original Metroid (all you needed were missiles for red doors), but for some reason Nintendo seems to think spinning your wheels is an acceptable form of entertainment, which would explain how enabled Aonuma seems to be with all the shitty elements contained in recent Zelda games. How lazy is the “item renting” feature in that shit?

How incredibly obnoxious of the Space Pirates to point out their own little security flaws in order to delay their inevitable destruction? And I mean that literally, this game is piss easy. If not for having stiffer controls than a Classicvania game, you would be able to nuke the entire cartridge in less than an hour. Then again, there’s Phantoon. Fuck Phantoon. That is all.

And for a game that could’ve been described as Survival Horror, it’s not at all scary! It’s got the eerie music and dangerous caverns, but for what it’s worth, it could’ve been a simple remake of the original. Monsters aren’t at all terrifying beyond how tedious they are to deal with. As long as you have enough missiles and super missiles on hand, there is nothing that can stand in your way. There is very little challenge in this game beyond getting lost and a couple handful of boss battles that a lot of times you won’t expect.

If I had to describe my experience with Xenoblade chronicles, I would say I was deluded in a vain attempt to wash out the bad taste Skyward Sword left in my mouth. This game might as well cost 20 bucks.

As a game where you walk around big ass worlds, it rocks as people love to travel. As a game for fun, though, it has virtually no lasting appeal. All of this due to the game’s combat system which is virtually on autopilot for the entirety of the game. If you loved FF7’s RTB system for w/e pantshitting reason, you will fall in love with this game. Don’t expect combat to feel like anything more than a chore as you could pretty WATCH how the game plays out as the characters can fight for themselves. Oh you can use certain skills to increase your chances of winning, but does that really help? Of course not. The most you can do to not die is position yourself where the enemies can’t hurt you, and this is difficult to figure out as specific enemies might have certain effects that you’ll never really know until it’s too late and your teammates start falling one by one.

This would prompt you to use strategy. What kind? Why you keep the fuck away from enemies and do a plethora of shopping lists for lazy NPC’s. And believe me, this is what the majority of your time will be spent doing in Xenoblade Chronicles. Completing the game’s wretched amount of quests simply to gain money and experience points, essentially being a power-leveling fest where you don’t even have to worry about a little thing called “strategy”. But that’s cool, I guess. I certainly wouldn’t want to have to grind by playing these boring ass battle sequences over and over again simply by walking up to enemies and watching my characters hit them.

The story, which lets be real is the only reason people bother playing RPGs in the first place, is actually quite a thrilling revenge story where the main character’s assbitch gets murdered by giant robots… only to come back as a robot herself. Then the story starts going into random mythology nonsense about “Telethia” and some shit called “Zanza”, it gets to the point that the game starts focusing on psychic pokemon that wishes to eat the human race. The story plunges head long into animuville and becomes far too unrealistic for anyone’s taste. It’s got this huge prologue about 2 giant statues fighting each other, then dying where their bodies start sprouting life where 2 different races exist, then it dumps that shit for a race of people with wings on their heads who completely take over the story! I don’t care about these wing cap mother fuckers turning into Green Dialga’s!

Out of all the Rainfall games, Xenoblade is considered a must have, but honestly speaking, The Last Story deserves more attention than it got. It has a REAL combat system, FAR more interesting characters and content, and a much cooler villain who isn’t some nerdy scientist that inexplicably became god for no reason.

Dishonorable mentions go to:

Super Paper Mario
Injustice
Metroid Prime 3
The Medal of Honor series
The Sims
Dig Dug
NBA Hangtime
Gex: Enter the Gecko
GoldenEye 64
Castlevania Symphony of the Night

Since I’ve practically run out of topics to talk about until that damn E3, I might as well give some insight on games that people should be playing on these HD consoles. Keep in mind, these are the only games you should ever give a damn about…. EVER.

And later on, games I thought were good, but I know you’ll hate anyway. And yes,  I tried to sound like “Honest Trailers”.

Hey kids! Tired of those action games that treat themselves like hardcore nut rides with stories that pretend to be the deepest piles of mess while still trotting out big tits in the form of serious, cocky or emotionally fragile women? Are you fed up with lists of crappy combos that you’re more or less required to learn to defeat only a fraction of the enemies in the game? do you tire of action games that remove any semblance of player choice in favor of living out the wild visions of their creators while still having some thought-provoking (read: pretentious) narratives!? WELL, KONAMI HAS THE GAME FOR YOU!

Imagine a game that allows you to make your own combos and attacks that are effective against enemies regardless of how you approach them… unless they’re boss fights. A game where stealth sections can be completely ignored because you’re too goddamn awesome for that pussy footing shit that Solid Snake and Sam Fischer have to go through because they aren’t bad ass cybrid ninjas! A game where you can awesome across streams of missiles, run down the side of a building, across a burning bridge, fly through collapsing sky scrapers, and mess someone’s suit up after midnight, and then… walk like you’re on crack because your character realized he’s just so goddamn awesome anyway! Metal Gear Rising is the game for you! If you want to truly feel bad ass with out the need of arbitrary and complex lists of useless combos, you won’t need to worry. This game is the REAL 3D version of Ninja Gaiden without the stupid mechanics of number 3…. and unfortunately without the motion controlled bewbs of the 2nd and 3rd game that totally made you feel all tingly down unda!

Meet Raiden, the guy everyone hated in MGS2 for trolling fans who wanted to play Solid Snake, and instead played a character that was meant to make teenage girls wetter than Robert Pattinson! Now he’s back in a last ditch attempt at making Raiden an appealing character! By making him ugly and “dark and mysterious“. Now he trades in his aaaaabs for cybernetic body parts and cybernetic high heels! Sound gay? Totally, but don’t worry, those are just for gripping his sword…. with his fucking feet! Homophobia has never felt so beast!

Feel like the world’s greatest bad ass until the game removes that option and makes you get beaten up by a Mexican. Jetstream Sam who is totally everyone’s favorite character. Journey across Africa, the Middle East, Russia, and America in order to uncover a government conspiracy that everyone is completely aware of. Wars are being started to restart the American Economy… or to bankrupt the American Economy… and burn it down? Who cares how stupid the plan is or why they’re kidnapping children from across the world to use them as future cybernetic warriors in a subplot that is completely ditched by the last half of the game, but gets more relevance than the “Deleter” sub plot from Metroid Other M! And if you’ve never liked Colossus from the X-Men, then it’s your lucky day as he’s the final boss, combined with a random bag of fire powers and fights like a Dragon Ball Z character! Holy nut balls this game is awesome!

METAL GEAR RISING: MADE UP WORD!

You have no idea how ironic it is that I’m listing this game. Having dissed it in the past, I am looking for the nearest shoe to eat it.

Get ready for a fighting game that has no learning curve whatsoever, but takes a little more effort than Tatsunoko vs Capcom, especially if you’re a fan of Zero (you little bitch)! Persona Arena is the game for you!

Created by the masters of Guilty Gear and… the retards of Blazblue, comes a fighting game with a little mix of both! Get ready for a move list so accessible, you won’t believe you’re playing a fighting game! Every special move is activated by Quarter Circles or just randomly mashing buttons! It’s the 2D Bloody Roar you… or at least I’ve always wanted! Based on the really shitty RPG series comes a game where the creators finally learned that RPGs suck, and fighting games are completely superior! If you’re a fan of Jojo’s Bizarre on the CPS3 emulator, then here’s a skimmed down version of it! A game with only 2 attack buttons and 2 Stand attacks, where every character has only one special move! Just kidding, but it will seem that way if you played Yu Naka… something!

Get ready for a fighting game that doesn’t take itself seriously and gives every character a nickname! Sister Complex King Pin of Carnage! The Protein Junky! The Snow Black!And The Beast in Heat! And I totally didn’t make that last one up! Prepare yourself for a soundtrack reminiscent of Capcom vs SNK 1 and 2, but only mass destruction stands out!

A fighting game that’s just as fast as Guilty Gear, with enough nuances to make a superior Blazblue game, and an inviting control scheme without the stupid shit developers do to “balance out” the easy to do special attacks. And a TEDDY BEAR as a fighting game character…. that totally sucks ass! And you should feel bad for playing him. Finally, a real Aksys game to tie you over until Xrd comes out for the West!

PERSONA 4 ARENA! Man, who knew an animu fighter could actually be fun for a change? And no real DLC schemes like characters on the disc? Who’da thunk it? Who would pay for sunglasses on their characters though?

Prepare for more irony! From the company that ruined gaming forever comes the game that surprisingly didn’t ruin the Marvel vs Capcom franchise!

Are you ready for a game that easily compensates for the cutting of awesome characters like Venom, Cyclops, and Gambit… with Dante, Docter Strange, and mother….fucking….Ghost Rider!? Then prepare for a fighting game that didn’t have the decency to keep Captain Commando and still not be disappointing! A game that is surprisingly just as fast as Marvel vs Capcom 2 while still making unnecessary changes like Spiderman’s Web Swing into a Dragon Punch motion! Get ready for a Deadpool so obnoxiously unfunny, it borders on destroying the character worse than Fox or Highnoon studious could hope to accomplish!

Get ready for Vergil, the villain that made you rage in Devil May Cry 3, to once again rage at how cheap he is… unless you main Felicia from Darkstalkers where you can troll everyone with her rising…. flying kick… move? The only real bad news is that Gay ass Zero returns from Tatsunoko vs Capcom to make your life a living hell once more! And Thor has a special move where all he does is talk shit as long as you hold down the button! A game that has half the cast from the Avengers, and X-23 for no reason except to have another Wolverine with bewbs!

So strap in to get over the confusing control scheme and get ready for more striker spamming action than ever before! With a Wolverine who’s dialog is awesome enough to contain “Swiss Cheese!”, and a Spiderman who sounds lamer than Toby McGuire! A fighting system so accessible, button mashing newbs can actually kick your ass worse than they would in Soul Calibur 5! And the game is still surprisingly fun as long as you stay offline… forever! Resist the annoying prompts and forever go local!

ULTIMATE MARVEL VS CAPCOM 3! Seriously, the on-disc DLC isn’t even available anymore to purchase? Way to go game industry. Now I have no way to access the content on my disc… period!

Pssh… I wish I would recommend this mug

Are you ready to punch foes into Red Mist!? Then get ready to NOT Joy puke your face off with that tedious ass sequel!

A first Person Shooter so by the numbers, it actually plays well, and the loot is actually good for once!

Meet Roland, the character that apparently got a stick up his ass in the sequel and became less funny. With a scorpio turret so broken, it literally destroys enemies faster than Mordecai’s stupid bird! With a dick so big, it attracts every white woman in the sequel, including his bottom bitch Lilith, a character with the creepiest face design ever, and devilish looking yellow eyes that stare into your very soul, and none of the male players would mind, the perverts.

Then, get ready to snipe with Mordecai, the arrogant expert who becomes a drunken retard in the sequel. And Brick, the berserker with a mouth who remained awesome in the sequel.

A game so forgiving, even dying is actually funny! Get ready for deserts, junkywards, factories, caves, more junkyards, more…. deserts, snowy mountain ranges with the most annoying aliens you’ll ever face off against. If you hated Claptrap, then prepare to love him and his entire entourage of lovable robots who cry in pain for your help, giving you nostalgia of Wall-E’s cute ass! DAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW…. isn’t enough to describe these woobee mother fuckers! Experience Scooter before the stroke happened, and marvel at how much better he sounded! Witness the awesome power of the Atlas Corporation that is in many ways inferior and superior to Hyperion like… having better human troops… and worse robot troops. General Knoxx, a character who could totally kick Wilheim’s ass, is the most hilarious Borderland’s character of all time!

Are you ready for a story that is non-existent or even intrusional? Then prepare yourself for more milder humor that doesn’t try to force memes onto the internet. Get ready for corrosive weapons that are so overpowered, you’ll wonder what Gearbox was thinking for nerfing the shit out of them for the sequel! You won’t believe your eyes when you can open up a locker and find legendary weapons that aren’t simply there for show! No! They… actually… KILL ENEMIES!

So strap in for zombies, way too difficult underground arenas, and the opportunity to kill Claptraps, you sadistic bastard!

BORDERLANDS. Better get the GOTY edition at a gamestop near you. Hehe, idiots.

Honorable Mention: MORTAL KOMBAT 9. If you don’t have this game, then in the words of Reggie Fils Amie “What’s wrong with you!?”. Unless you have kids. Sucker.

…But in all seriousness, these are, in my perception at least, the best games to get on this system. As far as genres go, you can’t go wrong with half the fighting games on the system, but MGR is a definite buy. Probably the only REAL action game that feels like a 3D NES Ninja Gaiden by far. Just without the annoying ass birds that knock you into cliffs. Or the cool fire powers. 😦

Now for the games that… I figured were good games, but have some nasty issues that keep me from recommending them on the basis that they are major flaws that should never exist considering what year we’re in.

Actually……there’s really nothing wrong with this game. Ok so there’s those marble puzzles, but this is probably the most flawless title on this system. The problem is… the game advertises a Crack in Time… and that’s the real problem.

Crack in Time isn’t a bad game in itself, but it is such a downgrade from Tools of Destruction, right down to it’s game engine. It doesn’t even feel like the same game, many of the weapons of previous titles have been removed in favor of “innovative” features like upgrades that no one cares about as these weapons will be useless later on in the game. Not to mention the puzzles in this game are 12 times WORSE than anything they had in previous titles. Praise Amma Insomniac allowed you skip them. I would have second guessed that White Jesus was a benevolent creature with this move.

Not to mention this was where the narrative for the series started going downhill. They had this interesting story of time travel stations and what not… but there’s a glaring flaw. Multiple times, the main characters travel through time rifts to solve problems in the present time, right? If Ratchet and Clank had the ability to go back in time on multiple occasions…. why didn’t they let Azerath or Azrael or w/e his name is… know that they could do this? It would’ve saved them the trouble of trying to stop him from destroying the very fabric of time itself simply because Azrael wanted to see his comrades… and even Ratchet was desperate to know what happened to his kind.

So…. WHY DIDN’T THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR OWN PERSONAL TIME TRAVELING ABILITIES!? Yeah, the game isn’t bad, but it’s a tad more frustrating in the logic department.

Now, considering this is my first actual entry into the series, I’m a tad biased. I’m a coop junkie at heart, so it’s hard for me to recommend against this title. But I absolutely have to. If you want to know why I am not digging Sonic Boom for any reason, this game would be it. Forced Coop Actions?! This game defined them. Imagine a game where 90% of everything you do is tied to your partner’s presence? Getting across long ledges with a “tether” gimmick, using a vacuum to shoots your allies across larger gaps, shooting your allies to switches (some being in limited time frames), having to shoot enemies in unison just to damage them at all, or even having to carry around a giant light bulb in a forest while another has to inevitably escort YOU through while you shine the light for them to see.

This is not true coop. Putting both players where they must work together makes the game feel mechanical and not at all organic. It makes both players feel like hamsters going through routine processes is not fun. The only element of the game in which this isn’t the case is in combat, but Insomniac managed to fuck that up too. You’d think you were playing Borderlands 2 with the amount of punishment these enemies can take. What this means is you wasting lots of ammo on bullet sponges, combined with ammo starvation all across the board = GHETTO RAGE! If you want to do anything more than tickle enemies, you pretty much have to use “coop bursts” where you shoot one enemy in unison with your partner, creating an effect where you both fire faster at the same rate, and then the enemy explodes doing MASSIVE DAMAGE… that isn’t worth shit. The other option is to buy the Critter Strike and upgrade that bitch to max levels so you can plow through enemies by turning them into pigs. This was the only way to easily progress through the game! So even player choice in weapon experimentation (an element that I damn well ADORED in this series) is revoked!

Still, it’s not an entirely bad game, just a very poorly designed one with neutered humor. No really, the game isn’t anywhere near as funny as the previous titles, and even feels like a neutered kid’s show on 4kids TV.

This is the main reason I bought the PS3. No bullshit. I mean… fucking Momiji man.

Ironically, because she isn’t good, I find myself using Zack and Hitomi more often while finding any means to make Lisa as nude as possible. She sho is built in this game. 😀

Still, I’ve never quite been a fan of DOA’s fighting system. Or rather it’s emphasis on the now-disorientating counter system. I hate situational moves and systems in any fighting game, so having one game where the entire point of the game is situational moves and counter systems is rage-inducing. Especially when almost every move characters have can put you in a stun state where you’re stumbling about like an asshole and being completely defenseless with the only actions available to you… is the goddamn counter system, or even mashing buttons to get out of your stun state (something you shouldn’t have to do). What this means is that this game really has no margin for error.

3D fighter devs have a nasty habit of overusing stuns in their games, and DOA takes the cake. Not only do you need to counter properly, if you do the wrong counter, you risk taking more damage than usual. And that’s the biggest issue of 3D fighters not named Bloody Roar. There is more risk than reward. DOA5 epitomizes the very worst of 3D fighting game systems to date, second only to Soul Calibur 5. The only redeeming really IS the tits this time! I’ve played earlier installments to the series and I don’t recall the fighting to be anywhere near this fucked.

It’s fun as a more laid fighter where you really just wing it, but trying to play “FoRealz” is not even an option.

Quite frankly, Brawl is not a terrible fighting game in itself. It’s a terrible Smash Bros. Like most Japanese developers (read AKSYS) who start believing that making “unique characters” creates a better fighting game experience, Sakurai jumped headlong into the innovation deadpool in some asinine logic where all the best characters are nerfed in order to showcase the craptastic innovations of Pikman, Pokemon Trainer (Squirtle is still awesome) and the retardation of Zero Suit Samus who’s access to this transformation is locked to items or a cheat code. Fuck Brawl.

Piss Station All-Stars tries to mitigate that. It… failed for the most part, but manages to be it’s own game in the process. For one, all of the goddamn characters are viable as long as you’re not a Starhawk or Jak and Daxter fan (sowwy Heat). Shit, even the burlap sack from the pretentious LBP series can kick your ass sideways.

This game would be fine if not for the fact that it literally advertises it’s on-disc DLC by making you fight the locked characters in arcade mode, as well as locked costumes to be shown off. How obnoxious can you get Sony? It’s like taking someone’s lunch money and then running down the hallway screaming about how you robbed someone of a cheap lunch. People are fed the fuck up with on-disc DLC and they go right the fuck ahead and openly admit they are ripping you off. Well that’s service after the sell, tell me straight up that you want more money and no complaints.

Even after getting over the paywall nonsense, you have an online community that is easily one of the most vile hives of scum you’ll ever meet. They make Sonic Stadium look dignified. Here’s a bit of advice, don’t play this game online unless you are Japanese because if you do not demonstrate perfection in combos and mind games or what not, you will be completely ostracized by it’s deluded community. There’s nothing worse than a nerd… than a nerd with high expectations of other people to be good at a video game. I wish I could say “I’m not playing this game to live up to your ridiculous standards of how good I should be especially since most of you cocksuckers can’t deal with my spammy ass Ratchet” but will that solve anything? Hell no. Online gaming has never felt anymore alienating than in this game, and even the asshole community can’t compare to what is easily the worst thing about this game.

Fuck Cole. Easily the most overpowered son of a bitch in this entire game, this guy redefined the term “White Devil”. Infinite stun lock exploit!? Easiest character to build meter with!? And they nerfed Jak!? Sony been sippin on Yak! I’ve never met a character that felt so impossible to defeat since Zeus on Piss Station All-Stars! This guy can suck 20 asses through coffee straws.

Being the resident “Classicfag”, a title I wear proudly, I can safely say that after many complaints that have arisen from Sega’s inability to “get it”, this is quite frankly the first time they’ve ever “gotten it” in years. Sonic 4 Episode 2 easily rectifies many of the previous game’s complaints such as poor level design, bad physics and enemy placement, as well as gimmicky levels like LIGHTING FUCKING TORCHES, and creates a game that is much closer to the Genesis games than anything that has come out prior. We can all say that Sega has finally listened to their fans for once… only to shortly cancel the fucking S4 series in favor of appeasing Nintendo. Is listening to the fans is such a bad thing for this company that they have to immediately shift gears away from gaining consumer trust for corporate trust!?

Whose side are you on, Sega!? Afterall,the reason you canceled the Wii version of Episode 2 was because of memory restrictions, and I come to find this game is really no bigger than Episode 1. There’s still only 4 goddamn levels and one crappy DLC where you play as Metal Sonic…. THROUGH EPISODE 1! WHAT HORSE SHIT! People hated Episode 1, why in hory fuck would you make DLC based on Episode 1!? Infact, why not just combined both games into one so we can get a complete game to sell on a retail disc!? Who the fuck wants Episodic games?

The biggest problem with Episode 2 is it’s length. Nobody likes short games anymore, or at least games that have no replay afterward. Making traditional Sonic with only 4 zones is an insult. And the music is still ass. Yes, this game is the only real time that Sega actually gets what their fans have been bitching about, and it’s also the only real time we get a true glimpse at how little they cared either way. And it’s still a better game than Sonic Advance 3.

…………………….It’s Dynasty Warriors, you do the math.

K. Done.

Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of confusion and disorientation regarding Sonic Boom……but rather the supposed “gimmicks” the games have had since Adventure. Everyone has come to a general consensus that because each and every “faction” of the fandom has demands that would otherwise…. piss off every other faction (detailed story, Sonic Only, even the fucking Chao Garden), this gives credence to the “fact” that you cannot please everyone.

Permit me to make a controversial statement, but this fact supposedly only applies to Sonic fans… and Pokemon fans. They’re both like cross breed high strung folks that go batshit crazy over every piece of news that comes out.

Maybe I’ve become disillusioned with this fandom and Sonic games in general, but at this point I am just sick and fucking tired of everyone being so diametrically opposed to allowing anyone else to have any kind of happiness in regards to this one video game franchise. You will never find another fanbase that is this dis-unified. Unless you wanna point to Twlight bitches. “JACOB! EDWARD” all dat nonsense

The biggest issue is that… everyone’s demands have been worked on in some way. And due to Sega never learning to stop being shit, all of everyone’s demands were never met. So people are coming to the conclusion that w/e ideas that were tried before have been proven flawed and must not be attempted ever again lest you desire failure above all else. Execution of any idea is never criticized. The idea alone is a failure because the game itself was a failure.

This train of thought shows that Sonic fans on a whole don’t really pay attention to the gaming environment to see exactly what is wrong with the franchise, why it’s not selling, and why it probably will never recover given these conditions, but damn if they lettin something like “story or 2D gameplay” get in the way of dictating what is and isn’t going to save the franchise.

At this point, we’ve covered several problems going on with Sonic.

1. It has become an irrelevant franchise as of 2008.
2. Obvious racism (Sega despises westerners which makes up Sonic’s majority audience)
3. Incompetent game designers.
4. Massive waves of lies about promises.
5. Pachinko companies ruin everything.
6. Needlemouse is not a favorite of Japan
7. No Yuji Naka = No chance of series having any respect
8. Italian sausage in exchange for advertising fucking Yoshi.
9. The wrong western devs.

W/E the case is, as long as Sonic remains in the hands of SegaSammy, there is absolutely nothing that will save the franchise. Despite all the analysis and internal searching for answers, we still have a majority group of people believing that scaling back on certain aspects will save the series. Sonic fans are simply not paying attention.

Course, it’s foolish of me to expect them to. No matter how many people scream in their face about what’s wrong with the series, everyone has their beliefs and will choose to fight if only to be proven right.

So lets say Sonic was given to a really competent company that was passionate about benefitting fans (and I can’t name anyone anymore seeing as BRB up and proved me wrong). This “miracle” worker was given the opportunity to save this franchise from Sammy’s cock. What would they have to do in order to salvage this thing?

An idea I had was have a game that did infact feature different kinds of gameplay modes, but instead, it would have this “revolutionary idea” of “player choice” in that you get to choose what game mode you play each stage in. Like say you wanted to play Zone 1: Act 1 with the Boost shit from Generations (and I suppose without the 2.5D crap), but the very next level, you’d have the option of playing Act 2 as a “Classic” level in 2D with all the newaunces of the Genesis/Advance/DS/PSN games. Act 3 could then be played of your choosing an “explore mode” where you basically have a kinda blending of Classic and Boosts modes, but you’re mostly looking around a 3D space trying…. to solve puzzles or w/e stupid shit the hardcore likes to do. And this would be of your own choosing. You could play the whole damn game in Classic form if you wanted to. Each mode would have their own perks for incentive to play them anyway, you could choose w/e character you damn well please, and that’s the fucking end of it. Everyone… would be happy.

Son… of… a… BITCH! I can’t get this damn song out of my head! If I catch that son of a bitch who played this at work…

I think… that alone would shut the whole damn fandom up…. for a few years. But that’s only the game flow being mitigated. Content, general gameplay, etc. I’d leave to someone else because everyone has their wild ass ideas about what Sonic should be. And ofcourse, you’ll get those asshole “realists” who’d go on about “Oh that’ll take up too many resources and Sega’s broke” cause I really give a damn about Sega’s bank account when they haven’t given me a damn good reason to care after the BS they’ve pulled with PSO2. And they shreddin cheese off that bitch too

But then you have people who feel that ANY of the above could or should not be in a Sonic game ever again. Either 3D is evil because 3D Sonic has had flaws or 2D Sonic is evil because it’s 2014, so even trying to please everyone would be….. pissing people off anyway. You followin me?

I don’t even want to touch the “Light and Dark” stuff anymore. At this point, I’m like…. as long as I enjoy it somewhat, I could care less. I just don’t want no childish bullshit like in the last 3 games (but we still gettin it).

But that’s aside the point. We’re dealing with a people that are high strung about saving the franchise, and not really concerned about their own tastes. So the mindset isn’t even on about “what they want”, it’s about “getting everything right”. When you’ve got a majority shooting down every idea in the book, it’s mostly a fear reaction as they believe the ideas would make the series worse (it’s already in worst phase). Meeting fan demand is not in their prerogative as Sonic fans have hoodwinked themselves that fan demand killed the franchise (again, Shadow the Hedgehog). It’s ironic in a sense as the fanbase is thinking in terms of audience expansion. Trying to find some way to make the series relevant again, revitalizing interest in it. I don’t think any other fandom even considers the relevancy of their favorite franchises. I’m certain Mega Man fans aren’t even aware of it.

On the other side, no one can come to a consensus on what should actually go into to making a good Sonic game because every idea has been tried so to speak, but since they don’t think about execution (or what actually appeals to people), there’s just rampant  in-fighting.

It’s not so much everyone is unappeasable, it’s simply that everyone is on edge and in the mindset that something has to change or else the series might be indefinitely killed off.

The ones that have stopped caring are probably the sane ones as trying to decipher what’s right or wrong for Sonic just causes a battle of egos where everyone butts heads anyway. The non-caring folks are all like “I’ll find w/e I can enjoy out of all this mediocrity”. Deep down, to me, we shouldn’t even be “trying” to have fun with these games, but more power to em. I’ve already stopped caring, and for some reason Black Knight is growing on me.

When people are in a state of “preservation”, there’s no such thing as meeting demands. One half would have demands, another would be having plans to salvage the franchise. The latter would unfortunately be the majority speaking, and that in itself is an issue. How far Sega has fucked up the series is unquestionable and undeniably simple to decipher.

Course, that said, the only thing Sega needs to do to please everyone in the fandom is to make a good game. I’ve played their shit aside from Sonic the hedgehog, I know damn well they are capable. The question is are they “willing“? Seeing as they’re letting someone else do all the work and repeating all the same problems of other developers, it’s easy to see they have no desire to work on Sonic.

So… Yes and No. Sonic fans are pleasible in that a good game would shut us all up, and no because Sega is not willing to make a good game. They just want to shut us up.

And now fur tits.

Because I could

As a person who has been an MMO addict in the past, I can tell you that publishers that practically force you into buying DLC by locking content behind a paywall is by all means a bullshit practice. Sure, I’ll buy the excuse that a free MMO needs some way to maintain revenue in order to keep the servers up and running (except Ntreev. They need to go broke.) but seeing how these Free 2 Play games created nothing more than marginalized class warfare where there is disunity amongst the player bases, it became apparent that DLC of any kind is destructive to any game.

With that, I swore off PC gaming as there’s just too much BS running around, what with rampant anti-piracy that makes it impossible for you to play a game if you have 2 goddamn CD roms, or you have to have some sort of Steam account, NProtect, then you need specific versions of Windows and ram and shit. Hop on the game box, you can play anything without too many hiccups (unless you’re playing on the Nintendo systems with Nintendo’s asinine requirements).

Going over to PS3 simply for fighting games has been more jarring, however. I didn’t think I was too accurate when I described the HD consoles going in the computer centric spectrum, not just for DLC, but for system updates (that seem more risky but you have to do them if you want to play new games), PSN basically being Steam lite or w/e, and having games being dependent on whether you have an internet connection to play. Exclusionary in that local multiplayer is literally shafted in favor of online (to the point that every fighting game keeps begging to connect before I can get passed the damn title screen). It’s a mess. And this is too.

My entire library of fighting games (with the exception of Virtua Fighter 5) has characters you have to pay for if you want to play them. SC4 has Yoda and DOA5U recently has pedobait Marie Rose for $5-6.  Those are the only ones that aren’t locked on the disc, btw. The idea that certain characters are stuck behind pay walls, while being on the damn disc, is jarring to any reasonable human being. You could have up to maybe 16 characters unlocked at the start, and if you want the last four, they cost $25 total. Some are a tad generous in that you could unlock some characters in game without needing cheese (with rather asinine unlock methods), but often times, you are not given a choice.

Case in point…

It’s a cross between MLP and Josie and the Pussycats?

This is a Blazblue character. No surprise as to why it’s ugly as hell. Get this, the sons of bitches at Aksys want you to pay 8 cocksmashing dollars for this one character. And this bitch is on the disc. Now, there’s 2 other characters on the disc, Kagura and Terumi. I was lucky enough that the morons at Gamestop gave me a pre-order copy without even knowing it or else I wouldn’t know how cheap he is.

Now, this company, the same people who made the awesome ass Guilty Gear games… want you to pay 8 bucks for some ugly ass shit like that? On the damn disc already?

Now of course, as I’ve said before, there have been a vast number of people that have come in defense of this issue being that Mononoke (or w/e the hell her name is) as being the most powerful character in the game. The fact that she’s “broken” justifies her price. Normally, unlocking a broken character would involve a very difficult trial in-game (like frustration suffering through Tower of Lost Souls or like yawning your way through CP’s tripe they call a story mode). So paying what appears to be a small fee seems like a nice perk. However, when you think about the fact that you have already paid for the entire game, being charged more for a product you own makes you feel cheated. It’s like a bag of chips you get out of a vending machine full price for what is a bag half empty. Except if you want more, you’d have to pay more.

Tecmo, despite their claims to the contrary, have made it a new business standard to charge you for more characters. Granted, idk any sick fuck outside of Japan stupid enough to buy this thing, this is still irksome.

Regardless of what form it is in, we have the same arguments crop up again and again.

1. People suggest that companies have to make money by locking you behind a paywall for bits of data that cost a mere fraction of the entire product.
2. That smaller ounces of data take lots of precious time and money which somehow takes priority over the whole damn game which cost a helluva lot more altogether.
3. That the people who “whine” have a false sense of entitlement even though these practices have never existed in the past, nor were they ever required to make a profit (Capcom was just greedy).
4. That you do not own the game you explicitly paid for and have no right to demand anything from how a company chooses to conduct business even though their business is to serve you.

Fighting games having characters behind paywalls is a practice too damn widespread for it’s own good. The fact that people are eager to defend these practices, even worse. Ever since Grand Chase, I’ve always been obsessed in trying to decipher why people are in love with corporate greed. Certainly, I’ve learned that it might be necessary for Free 2 Play games to go with these practices because how the fuck else are they gonna make that bread?

But for a game that costs me $60, there’s absolutely no excuse for this nonsense in my games. This is a practice that I feared would come to consoles knowing how they tear people apart and create pseudo-class warfare. How they create snobs out of everyone that adores corporate greed. Actually, corporate arrogance… no… corporate stupidity is the term I’m looking for. Those who wonder why it’s appropriate, consider the following.

Developers, in the past at least, used to go for the consoles that were cost efficient for their budgets. Whether it was the NES over… anything else at the time (not actually aware of the actual for NES games, sue me), Genesis over SNES and Neo Geo (for a time), Playstation 1 and 2, people back then had more sense to go for the cheapest and easiest consoles to develop for as they would be sure to never run out of money too quickly as well as the cheapest consoles usually having the larger install bases. The most powerful tend to lose out on support and consumer bases.

 

But then… the Wii happened and suddenly, developers stopped giving a damn about saving money, apparently. Now gaming was all about horse power.

It was hard to debate this seeing as DKC sold the damn SNES which kick-started (or continued) the whole “Hardware>>>>>>>Software” conundrum which lasted…. for ages, it seems. It was only intensified by the Wii in which Nintendo decided to opt out of the horsepower train of thought in order to produce more cost effective games. The rest of the industry did a complete 380 and said “we ain’t  diggin it”. It was essentially an outdated waste of shit to the industry. An archaic model of the times that refused to evolve when it was logical to improve the graphics power of the console to compete.

I think restating it’s unprecedented success would be digging the horse out of the grave and fucking it on public display. There’s several reasons as to why no one wanted to support the Wii. Their philosophy of better graphics and hardware meaning better games (which I believe has been thoroughly proven bullshit given the tremendous amount of salty ass people running amok online) and then it would be their personal feelings on Nintendo themselves as people simply do not like working with this company.

Which brings up the question of why they were so eager to pass up on the PSP in favor of the DS, and then again with the 3DS even though everyone, even the Sega brown noses themselves, had doubts about it’s viability. If not the consoles, everyone jumps on board for the handhelds. The DS being less powerful than the PSP with considerably less features should’ve prompted a rejection of the DS altogether. And yet, here it is standing tall as one of the most supported devices of the generation. Nintendo struggles to get support on everything that isn’t a handheld device, why? Who knows? Could be the tradition of Nintendo handhelds being juggernauts. Could be the non-existent budgets. Could be the lack of political nonsense as no one cares about handhelds like that care. But either way, Nintendo manages to get support in the handheld realm indefinitely regardless of hardware power or features. And PSP being a defective piece of shit didn’t help.

Then again, 360 is a defective piece of shit, and it’s probably the most supported device from last generation. I’m trying to understand the logic behind why people are shy around supporting Nintendo consoles while they give free hand jobs to their handhelds. Ok, track records of bad Nintendo console performance has something to do with it. But when the Wii is proven as a viable device, people still refused to get on board, which is in contrast to how the NES went. When people knew it was unstoppable, everyone got on-board. Instead, excuses were made to cover their asses. It’s as though people were afraid of being wrong so they kept avoiding the console. At this point, there was no excuse to not develop for the Wii. Yes, Nintendo is unbearable to work with (unless you’re Japanese), but seeing how publishers have acted in the past and present, perhaps a little discipline was in order. Cause damn sure, I wouldn’t want to be called a “sheep” because I don’t approve of a company’s direction.

But then… the economy farted. So things that were already expensive started getting even more expensive. The Pubs… still didn’t get on board. Naw, they plowed on with the HD beasts regardless of the fact that less people were buying them and less people could afford them. Still didn’t give a damn. But at budgets exceeding 20 million, these folks were losing money fast. The best they could was make severe cut backs on their games, but they needed a way to compensate for losses. The prospects of DLC became much more attractive. DLC becomes much more prominent in gaming as a result. Cause I’m playing some of the older 07 “Spiderman font” games and I don’t see as much of this bullshit as I do in recent “crappy font” games. They ramped this shit up in response to massive losses. More companies started going red bust.

Wii? Nah, fuck the Wii. It’s a fad!

……..So now the Wii is dead… and there is no longer a cheaper method. Every console is HD, and the budgets will remain this bloated. People are still predicting Capcom’s downfall considering their 157 mil in the bank still going around. Everyone talks about going digital as there won’t be a physical medium to jack up their prices (or… something. Hell if I know). But the industry pubs call it some sort of victory that everything is HD, but now it seems everyone is trying to go mobile (or think that by blaming it will remove the dirt people have on them).

The conclusion I have come to is that these assholes had their chances to save money and still profit. They said “fuck that, it’s HD time!”. And now most of them are paying the price. They said no to cheaper models. People threatened to quit if they had to make games for Wii. The pubs actively rejected the then “correct path” of gaming out of vanity and differing philosophy. And yet I am expected, in the deepest parts of my insanity, to accept that DLC, a tool of perks that is now used to sell essential partitions of a game that is, most of the time, on the damn disc, as a legitimate form of revenue generation when they themselves could’ve avoid their money hemorrhaging pitfalls?

You have to be literally… out of your goddamned mind. You have to be crazy to accept this as legitimate. It has come about as a desperate attempt to steal your money from right under your nose. Everyone is aware of this, even the hardcore themselves. And yet, instead of sending “I told you so’s”, they send them their pity. In some foolish attempt to salvage a corporation, they give them money anyway. For all that people are not entitled to, we often forget that a game company is not entitled to our money. Instead, they turn their sermons to us, the customers, and preach about who in the hell has the right to entitlement. If a company is designed to serve you in order to get profit, then you are entitled to good customer service if you damn well want to contribute to their profit. Locking content on the disc and dictating that you pay for it is not customer service. It is at best a ransom.

To be accepting of this logic is to be maladjusted. It is to be crazy. Or possibly being a pants shitting retard. W/e the case may be, their logic is misplaced against the masses which does nothing more than enable corporations to completely vanquish the notion of ownership. To have video games tied to a digital space of pay walls with keys being cheddar is to revoke ownership of your purchases and have it completely tied to the people who sold it to you in the first place. Making money of the very same copy you sold seems like a good business tactic if you’re a notoriously duplicitous shit bird. But in the shoes of the consumer, logically, you would see this as rather underhanded.

This is the problem, however. The hardcore for some odd reason see themselves differently from consumers. They are the ALPHA Gamer! They know better than anyone that companies need money to funnel into newer projects. But if they go under, then our favorite franchises go with them (unless they’re Midway. Mortal Kombat lives the fuck on! And Bomberman! And Crash Bandicoot… I guess…. and Sly Cooper? Cause you know, franchises that exist under an existing company have no chance of dying out. Right Darkstalkers? Final Fight? Mega… Man? Streets of Rage? ….Custom Robo? Star Fox?… anyone?) This is the retardation aspect. Hardcore types don’t bother with history. Why, the past is just some alternate dimension where shit happened that affects nothing I do today!

There is a reason why HD gaming is so specifically geared toward the Hardcore audience. They’re retarded enough to accept these practices as legitimate. You see, the basis of all capitalism is exploitation. You have Cartoon Network wanting to exploit little boys in order to sell toys because well… they’re that dumb and hyper active? Koreans exploit African women’s desire to get good hair all the damn time. Not to mention they even make fun of this fact in their Korean magazines.

Developers depend greatly on the retardation of the Hardcore, who cannot see beyond their own egos and vanities to realize the game that is being played with them. They depend on these retards to enable them and stifle criticism over the internet for these practices. After all, the Hardcore don’t see themselves as regular consumers, so they do not see what the consumer sees as wrong or unethical. Instead, whatever is good for the corporation is by default, good for them.

Of course, this is intensified by the fact that the hardcore are completely maladjusted. Normally, nerds aren’t able to cope with other people, so they tend to go into a state of social isolation. Being that, they come off like Tarzan in the big city. They act like animals without realizing their surroundings. They aren’t adjusted to their environment and thus become ostracized. Isolating yourself from other people tends to separate your consensus from the other people, thus becoming maladjusted. To be an unhealthy person, so to speak.

Unhealthy people are much more prone to the misspending of  their wealth. As gamers tend to spend their money to relieve pain or get over some inferiority. Gaming has become a hobby of comfort to the Hardcore. Thus it becomes a crutch that they need to get through the day. It’s a “coping device”. 😛

Unhealthy people could be considered anything these days. Whether they be retarded or social misfits, it matters not. Anyone in any kind of disposition that creates a sense of anxiety for them is nothing more than an opportunity for the corporation. The unhealth and wealth of an individual benefits the health and wealth of another. Or to put it in other terms, the unhealth of a drug addict benefits the health and wealth of the drug dealer. And when you have this kind of dependency where the addict feels that he or she “needs” the dealer’s drugs, they come to admire the dealer and give more respect to them than anyone else even if the dealer gives not one ounce of a fuck about them. What some would say “To love the Abuser”. And gamers and consumers are abused in way of these practices being bluntly and unashamedly designed with the goal of generating revenue above all else. It’s become so obvious, the so-called “Illuminati” would piss themselves in how “in your face” these practices have become.

So the defenses that these hardcore folks throw up in the faces of the consumer has become common ground as many gamers are maladjusted. Mostly because they are infact retarded people with no concept of priorities.

If anything, the FGC seems to be the most retarded of them all. Those assholes seem to dickride everything FG devs do with their. Even Capcom’s controversial SFxT DLC gets it’s defenders. I can’t wait for special moves to become purchasable DLC items. People would start coming up with shit like “well, don’t you take martial arts classes? Don’t they cost money too!?”. I bet you anything, as socially inept as the hardcore are, that’s the kind of shit you would hear.

1.

I’m assuming people want my take on this seeing how the last post got taken over by it. First thing’s first, Game Theory is an irritating youtuber who’s “theories” aren’t even realistically sound. For one, he had made a video in which he tried to prove that Super Mario was faster than Sonic… by using a PORTION of SMB1’s 1-1 level and judging Mario’s speed in reaching this PORTION of it…. while comparing to the amount of time it takes for Sonic to reach the end of Green Hill Act 1. The WHOLE fuckin act, I might add. 1-1 is, by all, a very short level while Green Hill is already lengthy.

But ignoring that, he’s made a video that’s preaching to the choir. People have known that innovation does not sell ever since the Gamecube bombed. People are aware of it considering the amount of pissing and moaning people have done over Call of Duty (mainly, the Nintards). The problem with the video is 3-fold. Number 1, he implies that the world of the internet is not aware that their tastes are in minority opinion, so the only people he’s talking to is the Nintendo fans… which is a pointless endeavor because as long as one game makes it over the 1 million mark (Epic Yarn), then fuck all the facts, PROFIT WAS MAED! We don’t know how much to make a difference to Nintendo, but it’s good enough for those assbites to win their pointless debative crusades against “da haters“. There’s no point to explaining shit to Nintendo loyalists no matter how many facts you pull up. If people like BlackB0nd have trouble getting anything through their thick ass skulls, then a guy with a million subs (which he flaunts as if to establish his credibility) isn’t gonna make any difference.

Number 2. If you’re gonna tell Nintendo fans the truth that breaks the camel’s back, don’t puss out and start praising Nintendo for their past history. There’s NO data showing how influential their “innovative” motion and touch screen controls are. After all, that’s why every limp dick fuck that watches this video keeps praising it, yet there’s nothing about them innovative controls.  The Wii’s best selling games are majority-wise the ones that don’t emphasize the motion controls and are just decent games. Yes, Wii Sports/Fit are titles that baffle the fuck out of everyone, but looking at Brawl and NSMBW, even NSMBDS, the innovative controls have never been necessary in the first place. Just admit it. Innovation in ALL sectors don’t sell people (often). How in demand are innovative control schemes? Instead of looking on the internet and assuming innovation sold Wii’s and Nintendo games (a contradictory fact), you could poll some assholes on the street to get real information.

Going  step further, there’s nothing innovative about motion or touch screen controls in the first place. Shit like this has existed since the goddamn Power glove. Nintendo basically took advantage of it and made video games a little “cooler”. Driving controls with a motion controller isn’t innovative, but it feels smooth as hell. I can’t even look at Sonic Racing Transformed the same way as it’s prequel on the wii. Where they started fucking up was making certain game inconvenient by making titles like Skyward Sword and Metroid Corruption WORSE.  The point still stands that innovation doesn’t sell. Praising the Wii for innovating and “changing the industry” is a bald-faced lie. And again, I can’t help but wonder if this was mentioned just to deflect any criticism he might/will get from the religiously over-zealous nintards that will watch the video.

Number 3. Why thank you! As borderline retarded shit head, I was previously unaware of what football is. What kind of condescending asshole thinks that’s funny?

I think this video has gotten enough unwarranted attention.

2.

With my righteous and furious anger of Resident Evil 6, I had originally proclaimed to never again look to Resident Evil for survival horror. Unfortunately, my will is not that strong and even after Mikami left, I am still RE’s bitch. So hearing the hype around Revelations, I decided to pick it up and am fucking glad I am still it’s bitch. Revelations is fucking gooooooooood!

The most amazing thing about this title is that it is completely free of quick-time events! Now if that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is! Though I suppose being a handheld port, there be some perks to that aspect. I suppose Capcom figured Nintendo fans were “pussies” that couldn’t handle QTEs or something. But w/e, I’m happy as hell. Secondly, the game’s controls are actually good for once. Yes, it’s that same RE4 turd person element, but it actually feels improved. Unlike RE6’s weird ass control set up, your character’s movement while aiming is quite fast and smooth where as with 6 it was slow and clunky.

Other than that, melee attacks while not in aiming mode have been vastly improved. Instead of these slow attacks, your character has very quick attacks that have no hit stun but provide damage while you can move at the same time. Not to mention there’s no… fucking… STAMINA meter to look after! You can melee to your hearts content…. unless your enemies have quick mobility.

But the most important thing is that the game is actually scary. Not since RE3 has the series given me quite the shivers and tension that RE was known for up until now. Since then, I’ve been playing the games for story which is a bad thing. Story should not be the sole reason to play any game or else you might as well be watching youtube. This game, holy shit, all the moments I screamed “FUCKIN ASS” when some scary shit popped out had to have been a record.

The environments are also highly reminiscent of REmake’s mansion in regards to the residential cabins on the ship. There’s also a casino… for some reason. Basically, story is a ghost ship where Jill is tasked with investigating as well as trying to give the player a boner given the cleavage shot and tight swim suit that she wear for the whole mission just so we can see that she stole dat African booty as well.

Stupid Sexy Valentine!

Unfortunately, the game’s not perfect. While at first the game boasts what we’ve come to expect from Resident Evil games, ammo starvation and all, it goes into bullshit territory by requiring you to empty out your ammo reserves just to move on to the next area. Yes, the controls are actually suitable for combat for once, but that does not mean you make combat oriented challenges in the game. Sometimes in order to survive, you AVOID enemies. Plus,there’s lots of swimming involved, and I’ll be the one to say that swimming in 3D games have never been fun, but for some reason, developers are enamored by swimming in 3D. As if seeing underwater environments with ass controls are some sort of godsend. And the puzzles are still here (such as needing to turn on/off 3 different valves in 3 separate areas). Otherwise, if you need an RE fix, you can’t go wrong with Revelations. I assure you, you won’t be dissappointed, especially if you came off of RE6.

3.

Dumbass wants to make MOAR Nintendo DLC for Sonic’s Lost Mind.

I think this confirms that Lost Mind isn’t made for any audience and is simply a game that satisfies only Iizuka and Nintendo’s own tastes.

“Sonic Lost World is a title that only released on Nintendo hardware, which is an opportunity that I couldn’t believe, collaborating together. This time, the appearance is interesting, as combining Sonic into such a world is extremely foreign, and I wanted to aim at the unexpected.

“The team says that the music, sound and songs of The Legend of Zelda were entertaining to try and re-create and is now interested in working on more levels that allow it to collaborate with Nintendo.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or shit vomit. If anything proves how anti-consumer Lost Mind is, it is the DLC’s that do not fit within the context of Sonic the Hedgehog. Lets be frank. No one in the world wants Sonic to promote Nintendo’s bullshit. Not anymore at least, but this nutless moron sees a “creative opportunity” to make more Nintendo DLC. The dipshits who supported this out of some asinine desire to “show support for the company” aren’t even taken in consideration when these assholes are making the decisions. When people bitch and moan about how awful this assimilation is, what does Sega do? They want to make MORE of it! Great job, Nintendo! Not only was Sega bad at business decisions, you’ve poisoned them with your “in your face” attitude in lacking empathy for the customers and instead drown themselves in their own desires.

A company that moderately listened to their fans has now eaten the forbidden fruit of a company that has lost all motivation or desire to serve their customers. No, lets shove MORE shit that people don’t want into the series because YOU like it, and that makes it ok.

Iizuka and the rest of Sonic team has no idea they’re fucking the pooch by doing this. They’re offended by BRB’s retarded boom designs, but they find no problem shoving Nintendo IPs into Sonic and further destroy the franchise’s identity by assimilating it into games of a company rival!? When does the stupidity end!? Sonic was promoted as a Nintendo killer! That has been one of Sonic’s core trademarks since it’s conception. The other being speed and attitude. You’ve removed the attitude, you’ve removed the speed, and now you’re removing the will to compete against Nintendo.

Great job assholes, you’ve officially killed Sonic the Hedgehog.

You can’t blame this on Sonic Colors. No, you need to throw fire at that Olympics crap. That’s where this mess all started. All because Sega wants that Italian sausage.

Enjoy it while you can, you punk bitch.

Ok, long story short, I got blackmailed into playing this shit because some chick at my job… hates me. Eh… since I can’t keep my mouth closed, she figured out I write this blog, got pissy I dissed RE6 “without playing it“. Cause… you know, you’re supposed to eat poop to know it tastes like shit. And… she caught me in an act that shall remain a mystery to you all.

Seeing she wasn’t going to leave me alone, she pretty much shoved the damn copy in my face and urged me to validate my opinion for fear of losing my job. It is at this moment that I learned that women are evil and that maybe the catholics weren’t too crazy lumping them with a symbolic representation of satan.

Yes. RE6 is that bad. No, scratch that, this game is… it epitomizes everything that is wrong with this industry and multiplies it by 6…. times 3! It’s impossible to think that I might’ve played a game that is officially worse than Skyward Sword. The unthinkable has happened.

Not really an exciting crossover to be honest

Koboyashi shows just how to draw people into video games by opening up the entire game with a quick time event! How many you ask? 3! The first (barely second into the damn game), is lifting your unattractive female partner off her unconscious ass long enough to get inside a broken down building. The second… opening a door (this is a good MINUTE into the game!) The second… shaking off a random zombie that the game allows to capture you! The third? Piloting a chopper that’s gone out of control!

Wow! Now that’s how you open a game! Take the player out of the game by pressing random buttons as though they were watching a movie… or playing Heavy ass Rain! This is without a doubt… the worst thing you can do in the beginning of the game. If you’re a game developer and you’re thinking about stream lining a long running series for the sake of attracting a larger audience, this is NOT the way to go about it. Having QTE’s at the very beginning of the game gives the player a horrid perception of how the entire game will play out. Cause if you just make the person go through several tiny “minigame cutscenes” just to get to the next sequence, the player’s motivation to press through the game will be diminished. Who the fuck wants to play a game full of QTEs?

“But that’s just for the beginning! Surely, the majority of the game isn’t a bunch of QTEs”

……just from reading that, you know it’s the exact opposite. I mean goddamn, if there’s a QTE for you to fumble around a deserted car just to look for some damn keys, you know you’re fucked for the long run.

There are 3 stories centering around Chris Redfield, main character of the series, Leon Kennedy, the fangirl magnet that is only relevant because of RE4’s unwarranted popularity, and Jake Muller, white trash bastard son of Albert Wesker who looks… nothing like Wesker and is more akin to Donte from DmC who tries faaaar too hard to be cool. I mean picture this. He’s on a raft where he gets attacked by multiple enemies. What’s his comment at the end of the ride?

“That was a worse boat ride than the Titanic!”

Oh yes. You will learn to hate him and his shitty one-liners. A good majority of the time you just want someone to give him a kick in the ass. Unfortunately, that’s NEVER going to happen because you see… he’s the son of Wesker meaning he inherited Wesker’s overpowered super human abilities giving Jake more strength and agility than he needs, making him nearly as invincible as his daddy. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, he knows kung fu. You know what that means?

He’s the perfect asshole!

Damn I hate perfect assholes in games and television. Whether it’s the main character in Pacific Rim, Jack from Anarchy Reigns, or Ken Masters from Street Fighter, perfect assholes are the kinds of characters that are douches to everyone around them, but completely flawless in all of their categories. At the same time, we’re damn near expected to love their asses no matter how irritating they are. How fucked is my life that we go from one perfect asshole (Wesker) to this bastard?

Anywho, lets start with the story mode that was…. marginally less irritating but filled to the brim with QTEs. LEON! And his new bitch Helena Harper.

At the start of the game, we see Leon and Helena facing the President of the US… at gun point.

Handsome devil, ain’t he?

 

Head of the Oval Office became a zombie and Leon is forced to pull the trigger. A pivotal plot point that is ignored for the entirety of the game unless used by Simmons as a means to taunt Leon.

Afterwards, you go through the college where the President was apparently going to drop dimes on the US’s dealings with Umbrella…. or something. Here, I find the annoyance of having to traverse chairs and tables because apparently, Capcom thinks it’s ok to not let the player walk over tiny spots of broken chairs. At the same time, you’re trying to help random asswipe #1 find his daughter… only for said daughter to die on an elevator and turn into a zombie with worse acting than Keanu Reeves.

That’s what you get for taking a student loan!!!

 

After that, the heroes try to escape campus via a gate…. BUT FIRST… they need to find a key just to get out the gate. So instead of logically trying to find an alternative route like climbing over the fences just to get out, they go look for the fucking key.

So by now, we have had 2 missions, find a missing daughter and then looking for a missing key that is so far deep into the campus that it’s nearly impossible to find. Great! Fetch quests this early in! Once we find said fucking key, we break out and more zombies pop up, we end up popping them and then hurrying about to find a car. Now.. this part is stupid to the core. You’re in the car, right? Now we’re sitting here flicking the control stick in any and all directions (as the game prompts you to do without the specifics of what in mary fuck you’re supposed to be doing, btw) just to find the damn car keys! Oh yes, you’re gonna be looking for keys all over this game. Once you find the damn key, you get attacked by a zombie from a window… and if you’re playing Leon, you have to literally wait for your partner character to shoot the zombie off of you. This is important to remember. Depending on what character you choose for the scenario, you may have to literally fucking wait… for your partner to help you before you can progress with the game! So lets say you picked Chris instead of Piers Nevan (does that not sound like the most made up name you could think of?). In a final boss confrontation, Chris is grabbed while Piers has to slowly fucking crawl to a C-virus vial just to transform and save your life. Now I timed this… it literally takes a whole minute just for the game to progress after Piers finally gets his slow ass over to the virus.

Back to the car, once your partner has shaken off the zombie, you now have a QTE… to do as R.Kelly says and stick the key into the ignition…. and then to start the mother fucking car.

By this point, my patience and tolerance for idiotic game flow design had worn thin, and it felt like Capcom wanted me to burst a blood vessel. Why the fuck do I have to do so many QTE’s in one sitting? Oh, and here’s the kicker. Once you start the car, you travel about 10 centimeters just so you can crash into a couple of cars in the tunnel where a BIG ASS EXPLOSION occurs. Now you gotta get out and walk! Aint… DAT a bitch!? Not only did you survive a burning explosion that would normally kill anyone, you can still fucking walk! So… of the tunnel was that damn close to the campus, then me fiddling around with trying to find car keys and start the damn thing was a complete waste of time!

Ok so after that, Leon and Helena go through the streets and back alleys fighting their way through zombies in what felt like a proper Resident Evil setting. Surviving the streets against hordes of the undead. This is the least bullshit segment of the entire game, and as such actually set my expectations higher than they needed to be.

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

……FAT FUCK YEER

DIS IS HOW RE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!

Then it all sucks when we find out after all the awesome shit, chapter 1 ends.

So… CHAPTER 2 where we’re in a cemetery… after the impossible of having Leon’s escape bus roll off a cliff…. and they miraculously survive again. It started to annoy me how these characters get themselves in amazingly impossible and dangerous situations and live to tell about them all.

So.. we traverse a cemetery where you got these… bone fucks walking around in the shadows. It’s a creepy part, i’ll admit. And then you got those bastard dogs as well. Man, I hate zombie dogs. They’re so fucking CHEAP! Anywho, after reaching the church where Helena desperately wishes to go for no specific reasons (yet), but then… another gate is closed and we must yet again find a damn key. Luckily enough, there’s a shack next to the gate where the key is stashed. BUT…. instead of the getting the key, one of those asshole zombie dogs jumps into a window and swipes the key in it’s gumline. Now, get this, we have to chase the son of bitch through the cemetery… just to get the damn key.

Now… of all the arbitrary ways to pad out the length of the game, they make you go through this shit whore of a process to continue the game!? Chasing a zombie dog… for another damn key. Once we chase the bastard down, we get the key and go back to the gate and open it…. only for some random zombie to knock Leon over a ledge and fall into a weird… area with several doors. At this point, I didn’t know what the hell kind of church has a garden with doors, or cared. All I know is this is one of those arbitrary sections that lock you away from your partner if only in some vain attempt to instill fear into you. Yeah, I’m looking into my insane pool of ammo shitting myself in terror.

After shortly being reunited with Helena, we go to the front door of the church, but the assholes inside tell me to kill off a certain number of zombies before letting us in. Now… here’s the part that tells you just how scripted this game is. There WERE no zombies in the area, but as soon as I try to get in, the zombies start FLOODING the place! Did they just hear the command or something?

Ugly bastards…

Inside the church, everyone is bitching and moaning about the “Apocalypse” coming while me and Helena start investigating, not giving a shit about what anyone else might see us doing, and we go about the church solving clues and mysteries that might lead us to… w/e it is Deborah wants.

…….And there’s a secret lair with statues that shoot arrows. Dafuq indeed. At this point, Capcom felt it necessary to slap in as many Resident Evil 4 references into the game in some poor attempt at invoking nostalgia by creating useless PUZZLES! So here, we’re in adjacent rooms for no apparent reason, where he have to shut off several statues that might shoot us with arrows… by walking over to them and pressing the switch on their bases. I can’t… for the life of me figure out what masochistic fuckwit thought this shit would be fun. But there’s about 5 waves of statues you simply have to run over to… and shut off.

After that, the game takes control away from you and turns your crosshair settings against your will. If you didn’t like the laser sights of RE4, well take your grief and like it bitch cause the game automatically changes the crosshair into the laser sighting. Why? Because well.. there’s mirrors in the room in which you have to burn with your laser sighting. Why? Well, to open the doors.

Then, after all that shit, you get to the roof to find a BAD ASS SNIPER RIFLE! …….And you have to use it to shoot five churchbells in order to open another passage.

At this point, they’re just shoving meaningless puzzles in your face while pretending that you’re supposed to care. And why does ringing five bells open up a new passage, by any chance?

Anywho, after solving more idiot puzzles, I finally uncover an underground passage. BUT WAIT! Instead, there is a giant monster made out of puffy titties.

This diabolical nipple creature blows out some strange blue gas that turns everyone in the church into raging zombies. So yeah, kill it with firepower! You will never look at Paizuri the same way again!

What was a moderately simple boss fight leads to an underground laboratory where we come to another puzzle. You have multiple doorways with numbers above them. And a machine with a code input. That’s right! Time for Resident Evil’s code puzzles! You have the ability to look in some of the doors and peak at what kinds of zombies are inside. It’s actually pretty cool in some instance, but it’s back to work. Unfortunately, the assholes at capcom scratched off some of the numbers above the doors, so you’re basically typing in random codes to open random doors.

Ok… first off, throw me a fucking bone. Now this game jerks me around with guessing door codes. If that’s the director’s attempt at “creating false tension” like Mikami used to do to dick around people, this is a poor attempt. This does nothing but piss people off by making them guess random numbers. Resident Evil should’ve moved beyond this BS by now.

After moving past the gay code guessing process, we move onto more labs, zombie dogs, stupid bridge puzzles, and the like, we’ve finally come to the secret that Deborah wanted to show us. A video called “happy birthday Ada”. They play the tape and see a cocoon where a NAKED ADA WONG hatches in her slimy glorious birth! See her slimy, silky skin as she pours all over the floor and…. yeah, thats some nasty shit.

The worst lap dance ever.

If you didn’t play the other story paths first, then you’ve basically spoiled the plot twist. They made an Ada Wong clone. WOW!

Then, we immediately exit the labs… and find some underground ruins. Yeah, now the game is just all over the place. First a church with mindless puzzles, then an underground lab, and now some ruins.

But… we managed to find helena’s sister. Yes, this was the person she was looking for all this time. We come to find out 2 things. She was possibly captured and held for ransom, and she’s got a phat ass. Damn white women stealing the black woman’s booty.

Anywho, a boss fight ensues as “Deborah” transforms into some weird slimy spider bitch, and what ensues is one of the most poorly thought out “action set pieces” to ever. Basically, the mines start collapsing around them, and at some point, the characters ride some out of nowhere mine cart that spirals “downward” near low level debris and…. yeah.

And… the whole game is like this, really. It’s just a bunch of random bullshit missions you have to suffer through until you get to the premiere boss battles that all end after several minutes of lame cutscene transitions, you get to short parts where you actually get to DAMAGE the fucker, and then move on with more cinematic hollywood dog shit that Japan seems to think is awesome. Then the monsters have these ridiculous designs that not even fans of Shin Megami Tensei, with all their fucked up tastes, could learn to appreciate.

And the story makes no sense in the long run. You never get a gist of what in the hell is going on. Ok, so there’s a “Neo Umbrella” that is supposed to be Umbrella Corps ressurection, but in the end, you find out it’s a feud between 2 scientists who have some unresolved sexual tension.

……..Yeah, I’m probably not making this up. Some bitch called Carla wants to kill Simmons for some non-specific betrayal, but the most I can gather is that Simmons and Carla were dating, but Simmons wanted Ada Wong’s ass, so Carla spread the C-Virus to implicate Simmons….. I’ve no idea what the fuck is going on, really. To me, the whole game’s story came out due to a lover’s quarrel. And We’re supposed to accept that as the next logical step in Resident Evil’s ongoing legacy of bioterrorism.

This combined with all the arbitrary puzzles shoved into the game simply to pad out 5 short chapters per character makes this whole game feel desperate. It’s cinematic and overwhelming amount of QTEs was tiring and made the game feel more like a choir than a game. It tried to be everything from Heavy Rain to Gears of War (especially with Chris fighting in Edonia). It tried to please everyone, but in the end, pleased no one, not even Capcom’s greedy shareholders. It is the very essence of creatively bankrupt.

Resident Evil 6 is truly the death of Resident Evil and of people’s faith in Capcom’s ability to deliver on the same thrilling chills of the previous titles. And it shows with their ridiculous desires to turn the series into a-

*plays revelations*

……….Holy nutballs, this game kicks ass!