Archive for September, 2013

Say it isn’t so!

Funny how the one company that is the pioneer of KILLING video game consoles is suggesting that everyone who keeps harping on about the inevitable onslaught  of “mobile gaming derp” should shut the fuck up, cause the console is here to stay. Or maybe it’s to get on the hardcore’s good side.

The problem is with consoles that still cost an arm and leg, there really isn’t much life left. People are not going to be able to afford gaming for a pretty long time. I think I saw this on a random Sonic forum with some guy saying games will be exclusive to which white people in the future. And…shit, look at the times now. If you ain’t well off, that’s gonna be a tough reality to face. We don’t live in a world where several millions of people can afford $500 consoles. Never have, actually. Consoles that cost over 300 usually fail more often than not. I can’t recall anytime that the opposite ever happened.

Priorities are changing rapidly, and no one is going to want to spend anymore than they want on video games. And developers/publishers can get a little too damn greedy when it comes to games. The rampant DLC controversies over the last 7 years is a testament to that. How can they convince anyone to buy their overpriced games when many have to work 2 jobs merely to put food on their tables?

And the GTA5 feels like heavy-handed hype. This is the first time I’ve read news of a game selling in money and not copies. Everyone went around saying GTA5 sold 1 billion copies in mere weeks, but that was just their money margin. The actual copies sold is around 16 million, which is fucking amazing, don’t get me wrong, but pointing out GTA5 means dick to everyone else. Capcom is in terrible shape as of this moment (rightfully so, I might add), as well as Square. 38 Studio recently shut down, Atlus is acquired by Sega which only delays their death, the Free-to-Play model of business is coming under fire (rightfully so, I might add), digital game sales are at an all time low (every success seems frontloaded as it all comes crashing down eventually), Nintendo is in a bad position all around with the Pii U getting ass raped sideways, it’s all just coming down so rapidly. I’ve never imagined, despite all the E3 hypes, that gaming would be in such a state as it is now.

But…. we want to applaud mother fucking GTA5 for keeping consoles alive? Right, right. I’m all for optimism because I’m running out of franchises to enjoy fast. Every 3D fighter I’ve come to enjoy has fucked the pooch for all I know, marginally enjoying DOA5 for voyeurism and not the actual fighting, Sonic is dead to me and every real Sonic fan out there, Nintendo is literally raping Zelda and Pokemon for all it’s worth, there’s no Timesplitters 4, Yakuza 5 won’t be localized, every RPG and 2D fighter is an animu shit fest nowadays, Platformers are going the way of the dodo, and the most enjoyment I have found out of this generation…. were fucking retro collections of ancient PS2 games.


But for the sake of reality and sanity, there isn’t much life left for gaming on consoles because the economic environment has completely changed and game companies do not want to adapt to them for their own business health or consumer convenience, but would rather stick to their ideologies and DLC practices rather than thinking of how to offer money saving alternatives to the broke mother fuckers that out number the rich. And Microsoft is numero uno on that department just looking at their previous policies on Xbone. We had to give them HELL just to make them change it, and they make some “exclusive” Xbone for their employees in retaliation. Gotta love the maturity from the company.

Putting Computer-centric practices in the Arcade-centric environment has destroyed the foundation of the video game console. Sony and Microsoft have worked very hard and destroying this foundation all for the sake of money and competing against foreign (to gaming) companies in the departments of social media and mother fucking tv! Microsoft doesn’t give a fuck about games or game consoles, and everyone knows it. Those who don’t are the hardcore nut riders who demand the return of DRM policies that would kill gaming faster than Gabe Newell could with terrible controllers.


But I was wrong. So… terribly wrong.

I’m not into the whole steam thing like all the hardcore types who worship Newell like the second coming of Ken Kutaragi, but how in the fuck can anyone get down with this design? I thought the touch pad of the Pii U was uncomfortable and unintuitive, this looks damn near unplayable! It looks like a mini-speaker you hook up into the bathroom before you electrocute yourself to a nice crispy shade of black.

The reasoning for this design is equally as moronic. “To fool older games into thinking they’e being played with a keyboard and mouse”. And before anyone goes “IT’S A BETA DESIGN!”, let it be known that no beta controller looked as though it sucked 12 copious amounts of asses through straws. No, look at that shit. This goes against all logical design conventions of a comfortable controller.

1. Why are the buttons at the center of the controller with only the shoulders in  possible logical positions?

2. Why do the diagrams suggest it will only be used for one genre (FPS)?

3. What’s wrong with using a normal 3rd party PC controller like most…. nerds do? Does Steam just up and not allow them or something?

4. Why (as fucking always) are the nerds in the comments section suggesting this is good because “it’s a change”? Do nerds not have the capacity to realize that change for the sake of change is a fucking stupid reason to change something!? Especially since this “change” looks like complete ass!?

We should not be enabling companies to change things for the sake of it. And this is a perfect example.

…..bah, what do I care? I don’t even use Steam. PSN is buttfuckery enough. I just have to laugh at this lame attempt at “evolution” of PC gaming.

Port of The Wind Breaker, coming to the Pii U soon!

I’m starting to wonder if Nintendo is planning on making Toon Link their new mascot. Because right now, their insanitycomes off as dangerously creepy.

Yeah, they went there

They are literally generating hype for what is a PORT of a decade old piece of shit that no one liked. Even officials inside Nintendo knows people don’t want this game. And yet, Aonuma is convinced that this title will do well.

Bundling the Wind Breaker with price cut Pii Us is a deceptive little strategy to artificially inflate the sales of the game itself. It’s sad, though, that many within the company have such little confidence in the title that they’ve made a separate Pii U bundle with NSMBU instead, hoping that the name brand will edge out the inevitable failure of Wind Breaker.

The plan won’t work for many reasons, but I’m amused by the overwhelming amount of effort/desperation in the marketing department. It’s not as bad as giving people 25 lives as a pre-order bonus, but I digress. Aonuma’s head couldn’t be further up the asshole. We’ve got enough to dread with you ruining memories of Zelda 3, but why dig up old skeletons that people clearly hate!?

This is the sign of bitter old men. Those who couldn’t live with the sting of failure time and again. Wind Breaker has imprinted so much on Aonuma’s soul that he just can’t bare to let live. Baby booming is srs bitness. But in the wake of his coming meltdown, Zelda fans have to suffer through his own mediocrity. Not once, not 2wice, but 7 fucking times. Wind Breaker, Minish Cap, Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks (the gayest name I’ve ever heard for a Zelda title), Skyward bore, and that horrid little “sequel” in development right now. You know what we could use a remake of? Zelda 2, the Adventure of Link. Yeah, give me the only Zelda title that required some dexterity to kick ass in. No, you dig up bitch ass Toon Link and his animu island friends. I’m shocked there wasn’t a little beach episode included seeing as they aren’t afraid of Fire Emblem getting a bit randy in the clothing department.

Nintendo, finding their balls

I suppose I’ll give Al Khan of 4kids props for calling it like it is. Japan is over! They’re making so many shit games, they’re going back and digging up their worst offenders! I think Mortal Kombat 9 is my epiphany. Japanese games used to be the most fun I (and many others) have had with consoles in years. Now, they’ve gone off the deep end and given their industry to the otaku who’ve ruined good anime by saturating the sex. They’re so much silicone in Anime these days, I’ve grown gay just watching them all. You’ve got to be a horrible person to make sexuality boring.

Oh well, I missed bitching about the lack of a Time Splitters 4.

I had the misfortune of watching what I would like to call “Wretched Ralph” last week, and… well, it would be redundant to state how disappointed I am in any production, whether it be games or otherwise (especially coming from Disney), I have to say some things actually surprised me about the film. Sega completely whored themselves out in this film as many characters, especially very obscure ones like that blue bitch from one of the Shining Force games and the Rhino from Altered Beast, along with a House of the Dead zombie. Also shocked they put the Kano fatality from Mortal Kombat in the movie. Even chuckled at the Rail Shooter where the player is portrayed by a robotic monitor with the player’s face on-screen, being labeled the “first person shooter”.

Overall, I see nothing about the film and how it relates to “how far games have come” or “how much we’ve grown up with video games” or any of that gay shit I read in the reviews when this film first came out, I just saw a typical Disney flick about a supposed “misfit” who becomes a hero. Disney never leaves their tropes behind.

The twist, however, is that Ralph’s character remains a misfit to the very end. He stays the bad guy who gets “mistreated” by the in-game npc’s, but so as long as chipmunk looking Sarah Silverman likes him, he is alright with the job.

The theme of the film is be satisfied with your status quo, even though it’s shit and you will never become anything more than a bastard who is tossed into the mud. It’s basically a mis-guided “message” that Disney is known for, but not misguided in the same sense as prior Disney films where the young are taught self-destructive values such as the superiority of belief, but so much so as this movie is directed at the wrong audience. The status quo is reserved only for those within the business of game development.

When you see games like Devil May Cry, Resident Evil , Sonic the Hedgehog, Metroid, Zelda, Final Fantasy, w/e you can name…. you can see a straining and detrimental fluctuation of content. What would’ve been the fluctuation of Felix’s content rather than Ralph being the good guy for once? Would the in-film audience actually want that? They’re used to fighting against Ralph’s shenanigans, but now he’s suddenly a good guy, wtf? This is the dilemma Sonic fans have had with Robotnik for well over a decade. 1998 up until 2008, that’s 10 years of Robotnik being the good guy to the point of a running gag. And then we’re jumping right back into that nonsense after a mere 4 years.

People always talk about “consistency” when reminding those of why Mario has never had a bad review. And regardless of how annoying Nintendo fans can be, that is the only thing they’re right about, just not in the sense that they think. The content remains consistent. Bowser is always the bad guy, and people are fine with that. Mario is always going to save Peach and people are fine with that. No one enjoyed Mario playing the role of a Janitor even though the roles of the characters remained the same, the changes in what they do to achieve their goals were completely awkward and strange. So the idea of Ralph becoming the good guy “for once” is a stupid idea. As soon as he wins his medal from a game he had no business being in, the gaming world became imbalanced. He unleashed some sort of evil onto the world. It wasn’t a natural state of being. Ralph’s desire to be a hero for once… is the fundamental demonstration of developer or publisher “creativity/innovation/originality”, what may have you. It brings down the house.

So I would not recommend this movie to normal audiences or gamers…. but to those that are in the business of making games. Don’t break the status quo, dammit! I don’t want to team up with the likes of Sigma in Mega Man X, I want to kick his bald ass all over the place.

I am literally sick and tired of vomiting after every piece of Lost Mind material I come across. I’ve decided to not pester my audience of 3 with more Lost Mind bile because I’m assuming they’re sick of it.

I don’t even understand where this series is going anymore. Everything is too campy, to kiddy, to “disney-esq”, it’s sickening. Sonic the Hedgehog has been nerfed. Neutered. “Shane Blacked” if you will.

Lamenting on Sonic music, it’s bizarre just how quickly the series tone and atmosphere was completely neutered. Some would say Sonic 3D Blast and Sonic R’s music was almost exactly like Lost Mind’s OST, but you’d have to kick them where the sun don’t shine to see if they have shriveled nuts or not. I’ve never been too keen on the heavy dosage of Rock music, but I’ve never hated a single OST in the Sonic series until Colors. Well…Rush too, but that’s aside the point.

The very essence of this game is a piss take. It’s as though Michael Bay turned into a giant pussy and began shitting rainbows while getting double donged by a care bear and sparkling vampires. I can’t stand it anymore. Where is the line drawn when a significant trait of a franchise is completely removed in favor of kid friendly aesthetics and obsessive intricacies? There is nothing in this game that reminds me of Sonic the Hedgehog. And they have the gall to say this is a return to Sonic’s roots. I would swallow that bullshit with Unleashed, or even Colors. But the mere comparison of this game to the “roots” is an insult to my own nostalgia. It’s like no one even remembers or cares what Sonic’s roots were, despite having about a million reminders in the forms of ports and remakes, and assume that Sonic was a complete Mario Rip Off. This generation of gamers is so simple minded, naive, and immature to even go back, play the damn games, and then try, with a straight face, to compare the 2 side by side and dare suggest they are the same. In gameplay or in content.

There isn’t much more that can be said for this game. Other than Sega believing Sonic can no longer achieve success on it’s own merits and must wear a facade to do so. Sonic’s success back in the day was a fluke. Sega honestly wasn’t supposed to succeed the way they did. They just got lucky, and they abuse their fame to produce shit no one wants.

I’m just relieved that people within the fanbase are starting to wake up and smell the asshole of Nintendo before they get a nasty taste of brown sugar next month. So for the sake of my sanity and yours, there’s not going to be anymore until the game releases. Cool? Cool.

/\ Totally better than Endless Possibilities.

Damn, I feel like a broken record. There is really a theme worst than Reach for the Stars.

…….Ok, I can’t lie like that. That auto-tuned bullshit is still the worst theme song I’ve ever heard for the series.


Someone photoshop “<<<<” in the middle of this pic.

I love the smell of Public Relations. It gives me pleasure in seeing how much Nintards can swallow bullshit.

If we trace Sonic’s third-party roots all the way back to just after the Dreamcast, we released Sonic Adventure 2: Battle on the GameCube and it did phenomenally well. We think that’s because there was a lot of overlap between the Sonic/Sega and Nintendo crowd at that time, and we just found historically that Sonic performs really, really well on Nintendo platforms. Sonic Colors did great, Sonic and the Black Knight did well and Sonic and Secret Rings did well — all Nintendo. When we look at the numbers, we thought — this is clearly where our audience is.

SA2 also sold well over PSN and Live, making sales charts for 2 months in a row. Sonic 06 sold well enough to make Platinum hits, same for Sonic Unleashed. None of the Wii Sonic games even made Nintendo Selects.

SA2 sells because it’s a quality Sonic title. Not because it has “the most fans on it’s platform.” If people want it badly enough, they will go where ever it is. People wanted Minecraft, they went straight for Xbox 360. People wanted NSMBW, they went straight for Wii. People DEFINITELY wanted Sonic 06, so they go straight for that. Wii owners were looking at SR as a sad disappointment until the “Metacritic to the rescue!” phase rolled in. Shit, I’d be willing to bet the Sonic fans are all on the 360 now because of 06.

Even then, they’re ignoring the fact that the Wii’s install base was that much bigger than the HD twins, giving Sonic a significant advantage on that system than otherwise. Along with the DS because… who the fuck buys the PSP for Sonic Rivals!? Even then, why would none of those Sonic games make Nintendo Selects? Even Rayman Origins made that in Europe.

And none of the new Sonic games since Sonic Rush have sold well… at all. Even the hypocritical Nintards who would defend Epic Yarn’s piddly sales would say those piddly sales are crap for Sonic.

It’s possible that he’s going on about Sales Behavior and not raw salesSonic games making a million in under a year (while easy enough) is impressive for a franchise that has no appeal. But otherwise, for Sega especially, it’s pathetic. Why stop after a million? They wouldn’t need to make so many Sonic games if they were honestly selling well.

And if that was the case, why didn’t they port Generations to the Wii? Because it wasn’t HD. They were even thinking about ditching the fucking 3DS because they didn’t believe it would perform well (and they were right for the time being). What’s this “Nintendo is awesome” shit for now? You didn’t have that tune for Sonic 4 Episode 2! No space nigga! You thought Generations should be celebrated with GOOD GRAPHICS! Now it’s suddenly a problem? Lost Mind was going to be multiplatform. PC even! Obviously, Nintendo is paying you to suck them off because you wouldn’t give a fuck about the Pii U if they didn’t pay for  exclusivity. Sega did NOT give a fuck about Sonic fans on Wii or DS after 2010. They still don’t now. Nintendo is the publisher of this damn game. That is the ONLY reason this is happening, and that Sega is up and suddenly taking note.

The Nintendo nut riding that Sega is doing can only foreshadow what is yet to come. Rumors this generation have been damned accurate, and this bit here is only making it official.

Taken from an interview on Sonic Heroes.

Sega: Is there an advantage to having a portion of the development team based in the United States?

Naka: Well, since Sonic has fans worldwide, it is very important for us to know the culture and the fans not only in Japan, but in other countries as well. Plus, I think Sonic enjoys the laidback lifestyle of California.

Pff, no wonder Naka left. Sega only cares about JAPAN! Who gives a rats ass about those fucking filthy baka gaijin of the Americas!?

It seems as soon as he left, Sonic didn’t matter to anyone anymore. I wonder why….

In an interview for Shadow the Hedgehog.

1UP: What defines a Sonic game to you? What makes a Sonic game a Sonic game?

Takashi Iizuka: For the past 14 years, Sonic’s been based on a really cool, fast-paced type of character. Moving forward for the future, we don’t want to throw that away. We want to keep that, but within keeping that we want to add additional features that will help bring in a new type of audience.

Swords, wisps, teamplay, gunplay, all of these things… were done… to deal with audience expansion. In the process, we’ve now several Sonic games with zero consistent gameplay style. People are literally confused as to what Sonic is about these days because each installment is designed to bring in different fans. The problem is the gameplay treats the fans as expendable assets.

Everytime a sequel comes out with some gameplay or content that is wildly different from the previous game, people are turned the fuck off. People grow limp and sterile from the brazen and arbitrary changes. It even deters potential fans from getting into the franchise. So doing that with every friggin installment you do is batshit insane.

Iizuka, please stop raping Sonic the Hedgehog.

So… many… frustrating… fighting games.

You know, it’s funny how the most played fighting games are Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter 2, and any Tekken game because they’re all the same. You know what I’ve noticed about these particular fighters? There’s no super impressive, gay ass counter system that people would have to depend on.

I don’t quite remember Dead of Alive games being this tedious…

We all know about the counter system, but whoever’s in charge must’ve been desperate to compete with Turd Strike. Cause this counter system is completely ass. To describe my furious anger with counter systems in fighting games, DOA5’s is the culmination of complete and utter bullshit of all counter systems rolled into one. I don’t even recall needing to switch up my directions for countering mid punches and mid kicks. It makes even less sense considering high and low punches and kicks can be countered with the same diagonal direction inputs of UB Hold and DB Hold. But Mids are somehow “special” in that you have to really need to pay attention to whether it’s a punch or a kick that hits in the middle this time. I heard this change was done in 4, and people bitched about it then, but damn. I had no idea it was that tedious. And completely illogical at that. It didn’t feel as though the games were ever dependent on the counter system.

Counter systems like this usually turn the game into a match of mindless predictions. For one, the attacks are pretty fuckin fast. Initially, you’re gonna be overwhelmed by the flurry of attacks. They are greased lightening. And because of the stun system which to this very day is the most idiotic concept ever invented in 3D fighters which one attack can instantly prevent you from attacking or doing anything for a few seconds, literally leaving you to be a sitting duck for the next attack unless you counter properly. Yes. The only thing you can do in this state is counter attacks which wouldn’t be so bad if you knew instantly what your opponent was going to do. And if the counter system wasn’t so fucked up now that you have to alternate between back and forward counter holds against certain kicks, it wouldn’t be such a piss take. The problem with DOA has always been the reliance on the counter system to substitute actual skill with mindless predictions and urging players to fight a certain way instead of one they are comfortable in. Even though this was the first series I’ve enjoyed with a busted ass counter system, Team Ninja decides to fuck that up just to make the game “more skill based” or w/e the fuck they think they can do against Tekken (always heard Itagaki hated Tekken, rightfully so I might add).

According to the franchise’s now demented fanbase who are more than just as irritating as the Street Fighter fans “the creators did not want players to be comfortable with a predictable style. The game forces you to improve-” Aaaaaaaaaah bullshit. The game doesn’t force you to improve at all. It forces you to become proficient at it’s own busted ass system. That’s not improvement, that’s removing choice. See, this is more so directed toward the AI which becomes so impossibly proficient at countering everything you do, you’re not allowed to have your own “flow” so to speak. It’s not so much improving as it is you becoming better at processing battle data and using the system to beat out that data, if you catch my drift. Improving means being able to kick ass on your own merits and your own style of fighting, not the game’s own brand of “skill based universal fighting mechanics” which rigs the damn thing and makes it less about you but more so jerking off to mechanics.

Among other things

It’s only slightly easy to ignore this system if you’re doing “couch multiplayer”, w/e the fuck that means, but if you’re going for pro in this game (you sad creature), you’re gonna be turned into a machine that reads data. This whole counter/stun thing really just needs to be taken out and have it be raw fighting. That’s essentially what Tekken and Virtua fighter already are.

The thing that kills me are all the players that are still bending over to idiotic changes like this because they wanted the fighting to not “stagnate” into the players using the same tactics over and over again (welcome to human nature, jackass). The new future of damage control is…. TA DA! “The developers intended for this”.

Fuck all that nonsense called “player freedom and experimentation”, why the purpose of life is to be the bitch of the system!

Developer Intent” is the subtle but forced application of specific video game mechanics necessitated by repetitious obstacles, situations, and level design, or denying the player access to satisfying and popular content for the sake of an ideology. The counter and stun system of Dead of Alive 5 (and apparently 4 as well given the amount of bitching going on), is one such example. Another would be this.

Yes… the guns.

I can count on hand the amount of times I’ve heard the complaints of “feeling like I need to use the guns because they’re stronger than melee attacks”. They’re…. kinda right. If you have a much better tactic, a more advantagous position of offense, why wouldn’t you take it? Well, if you thought it was for pussies, you’d be a bit upset. The guns offer you a safer vantage as well as ranged attacks usually keep you out of harms way more often than not. You’d be crazy not to use those weapons, just as you’d be batshit not to use the counter systems in many fighting games not named SFA3Max

We also have this tidbit here.

Iizuka: Shadow already offers a deep and involving storyline that unfolds with various paths and endings Thus, the primary adventure and gameplay revolves around our star, Shadow. If we decided to allow a gamer to play multiple characters, we feel it would take away from the ultimate goal.

When asked about the possibility of having multiple characters. It’s an incredibly stupid reason to deny people the ability to play as other characters… oh I’m sorry…. MILD access by way of 2 player with no choice in any of the levels.

Then you have Resident Evil. The game’s mechanics (shit controls, nigh invincible enemies, ammo starvation, and limited saves) were all complaints about the franchise up until 4, which were all justified by Shinji Mikami under the pretense that they were all done to create “tension”. The main strategy would be to run from enemies and not engage in combat…. only to be stuck in a boss fight with giant snakes or man eating plants which made all those excuses complete and utter bullshit.Tension does not mean frustrating, Mikami.

There are numerious examples, including the can of worms I dare not wish to open again for the sake of not being ripped a new asshole, but nowadays, developer intent seems to be the new “you hate it cause you suck”. The intent of the developer should not void your enjoyment of the product. I feel like a broken record saying that, but for some reason people just don’t seem to want to have more of a say in how games should be made, lest they appear “self-entitled” or w/e crazy ass mess they came up with to justify bad decisions on the drawing board. It’s like we’re afraid of challenging the developer’s “vision” of sorts because we’ve built up so much pity around the horror stories of how hellish game development can be, so we swallow w/e bullshit they put out regardless if it’s crap. Video games are wish fulfillment medium for the audience being catered to, not some experiment to create new standards and achieve developer goals (like that asswipe Iizuka with simplified backgrounds just so you can “see the rings better”. You can’t justify laziness). We gotta stop encouraging that mentality on internet forums because we are doing a disservice to ourselves as customers and fans. That mentality gives way to lost minds.

And yet, DOA5 is still more fun than SC5 and TTT2 combined. Eat shit Scamco.

Oh and this…

The only thing I noticed in this trailer… was that Zeena wasn’t wearing any panties. Can’t wait for the hentai. 😛

Oh Amma, the first guy IS emo. >_>