Archive for May, 2013

So, apparently that genius Takashi Iizuka has revealed some info about the gameplay surrounding Sonic Lost World. And it solidifies everything I feared about this “partnership”. But the one thing that pisses me off is the fact that the game has a run button.

I’ll get to why that is a horrible idea in itself, but lets shit ourselves with laughter from those wacky aliens from IGN and see what they didn’t have to say.

“Sonic: Lost World – Taking a Page From Mario Galaxy”

Thanks Sonic Retro for ruining it before IGN could.

“We’ve seen Sonic’s new game in action, and SEGA is definitely inspired by the right games.”

Last I checked, Galaxy was shit. Last I checked, the right games were New Super Mario Bros. but I don’t expect fuck heads like you to acknowledge them because “accessibility is evil, oooooh”.

“Derivative gameplay is sometimes frowned upon in this industry, but in the case of Lost World, this is more than welcome, and more than necessary.

Oh I’m sure. It’s ok to ahem “steal ideas from Nintendo’s worst offenders, but a gameplay construct that seems similar to a more popular game like God of War is the WORST FUCKING THING IN THE UNIVERSE!

“I recently had time to watch three levels of Sonic: Lost World, and the changes being made to the franchise range from entirely obvious to remarkably subtle. First and foremost – the game’s aforementioned larger design approach, and the necessary control alterations that followed.”

Pay attention, my audience of 3. IGN’s meme name will truly shine after this bit.

“”“We wanted to create an all-new design for 3D Sonic games with Sonic: Lost World,” producer Takashi Iizuka told me via e-mail. “Ever since the first day of development, we were focused on creating new and unique levels to best fit this new style.”””

Green Hill is not new or unique. We’ve seen millions of variations of the same level for years.

“That ‘style’ basically removes Sonic from the constraints of a cohesive, grounded world design. Instead, players will find themselves twisting, turning and jumping along floating constructs suspended in mid-air.”

Uh, don’t video games need some grounding to make goddamn sense of your surroundings? It just sounds like the game is going to be more disorientating than ever before.

“Levels are now informed by gameplay needs, with some stages focusing on slower speeds with more platforming, and others pushing players to run as fast as possible.”

This is not an “all-new” design, IGN. Again, we’ve seen this “style” in previous Sonic games. Fuck, Unleashed WAS this core concept. You had the day stages pushing you to be as fast as possible while the Werehog took it slowly. But this was a “bad thing” back then. How is it suddenly a good thing now? Especially since the level design is going to be more disorientating than before? I sense more frustration is going to occur than fun factor, which is what IGN is ignoring (it’s in their name, afterall).

“Aesthetic ideas are now more free, ranging from the more idyllic, grassy settings of Wind Hill to something like Desert Ruins 1, which consists of cakes, cookies, donuts and all manners of candy. And just to throw a curveball, Desert Ruins 2 drops the sweets theme entirely, and features an entirely different gameplay style, opting for the ‘tunnel racing’ concept that Sonic games have used for decades.”

Ok, I’m a shitty writer, but you have to admit, I’m much more cohesive than whatever the fuck this guy is talking about. He transitions from the whole “aesthetics features” of the level design, and then says the “sweets theme” is dropped for a “gameplay style”. There’s a difference between the look of a level and how something plays. Does this “tunnel” keep the sweets themes, or is it gone entirely? You’ve said NOTHING about how “sweets” factor into gameplay which leaves nothing for us to think about. Cohesion bitch!

“More critically, it appears as though Sonic Team has realized that many of the core ideas from games like Sonic Generations and Sonic Colors can co-exist. 2D and 3D don’t have to be isolated so long as they’re incorporated in the proper manner.”

Because Sonic Unleashed didn’t happen. Stop ignoring the game because 50% of it had a beat em up mode. Sega realized this waaaay back in 08.

But if I may play devil’s advocate, not a lot of Sonic fans like simply “switching” between both 2D and 3D perspectives. Most would prefer to keep it one way or another (almost entirely to the 2D plane).

“Speed can also not only be about tunnel-based obstacle avoidance, but the crazier, twistier constructs that first appeared in the Sonic Adventure series. All of this can work together.”

Actually, it can’t unless the entire thing is scripted. If you are going to make a Sonic game centered around super speed, using the “twisty” concepts from Sonic Adventure will not fucking work without being redesigned entirely to accomodate the “BOOST SPAM” gameplay. And since Lost World will not have Boost Spamming and will be “slower paced”, it ALL won’t work together at all.

“Exhilarating and dynamic speed can sometimes conflict with [intuitive] controls, so we’re constantly trying to improve the balance between the two,” Iizuka said, noting that improving control in this game was “of the utmost importance” to the team.”

Iizuka apparently never worked on Unleashed, Colors, or Generations. They all worked fine to EVERYONE that’s played the shit! It’s like they have no idea what their development time was being implemented into.

As mentioned, Sonic Team’s greatest challenge was maintaining a sense of speed for the series while finding controls that made sense.

They worked fine with just a D-Pad and a Jump button! Fuck, Dimps did that just fine for you with the Rush games (mileage may vary on quality)! These people honestly have no idea what the fuck they’ve been doing for the last 5 years!

“He walks – until you use one of the GamePad’s triggers to engage his running speed. This too is actually not full speed.”

Then what the hell is the point!? The mere fact that there is a GODDAMN RUN BUTTON is bad enough, but it’s not even Sonic’s full speed!? I can already see people demanding Dimps to come back and work on the series again after this shit.

“Holding down the second trigger will pull Sonic into a ball, giving him access to his full momentum, which Iizuka likened to the ‘Boost speed’ from previous titles. By creating a tiered structure to movement, Sonic Team is hoping players will be able to navigate the wide range of level designs, exploring and running as necessary.”

What the fuck!?

Ok, Iizuka, maybe you and your fans have different ideas about how they want to play games, but I was always under the impression that Sonic games should always have accessible fucking controls. Sonic is supposed to be a mass market franchise. Mass Market = accessible. What the fuck are you smoking making a control scheme like this!? This is Skyward Sword all over again! Over complicating the controls for “better level navigation” is bullshit, and you know it!

“In previous 3D Sonic games, even if you’re running through a level at top speed, if you hit an obstacle you stop instantly,” Iizuka explained.”

Which was never a problem and was already “fixed” by Dimps Boost spam. Don’t fix what’s not broken, you stupid ass!

“To avoid this, we added a new action to keep Sonic running, even when you hit an obstacle. To make sure it only happens when you want it to, it’s triggered by the player holding the run button.””

This was so you could always run at top speed regardless of hitting a wall. But the run button doesn’t allow you to go at top speed. You have to press both shoulders (for no good reason) just to do all that. Why not just give me a speeder and call it a day?

“Of course, there’s also the small matter of Lost World being a Wii U (and 3DS) exclusive. On Wii U, the GamePad is specifically used to activate various Whisp-based “Color Powers,” which feature touch-based controls and are mostly used to gain access to side paths and areas. The GamePad will also play a role in ‘Support Mode,’ which allows one player to use Wii Remote and Nunchuk to assist a second player who is already controlling Sonic with the Wii U GamePad.”

All of this and there are still a wide range of smaller details that will certainly please long-time Sonic fans. Some factor directly into game mechanics, such as the fact that Sonic will once again save animals throughout levels. Rescuing these critters will not only be tracked level by level, but cumulatively, and will factor into unlockable content.

No one liked Sonic 3D Blast, nor does anyone like having to find shit just to unlock (what I assume will be) shitty unlockables. No one enjoyed that in NSMBW, Return to Dreamland, DKCR, or Rayman Origins. These little fetch quests are arbitrary and contribute nothing to the overall enjoyment of the game. That is “work“. By the time you finish the fetch quest work, you’re too tired to give a damn about what you unlocked. Only those shut in hardcore cunts would enjoy bashing themselves over the head to find little things to unlock crap. Oh wait, no one liked this in Sonic Unleashed either! Or Colors, or Generations with the Red Rings! Or finding the Chao in Advance 3! OR THE TREASURE HUNTING LEVELS!

Fetch quests are not desired in Sonic games, period. Regardless if it’s required to progress or not. The least memorable aspect of video games are the fetch quests. And for good reason, that shit ain’t fun!

“And then there are more subtle things, such as the animation for Sonic’s running or the presence of Red Star Rings (collected for unlockable content)

“and gold cannons (which access hidden paths)”

More Mario shit.

For every adjustment to the legacy, there is a similar tribute to it, and that acknowledgement is great to see.”

There’s also a similar pack of babies dying with every adjustment.

Its control and level design adjustments certainly seem to step in the right direction… but will they result in fun gameplay?”

AMMA NO! Step in the right direction my ass! That is a total buzzkill in every sense of the word.

You know, I don’t even know why I’m looking at IGN for anything serious. They’re always optimistic about shit before they bash it to the ground.

But the run button….. and the gold cannon. Fucking hell.

These are staples of SUPER MARIO BROTHERS! In order to run faster in most Nintendo games, you had to hold B to run! Why in the fuck is this in Sonic the Hedgehog!? Sonic’s speed was dependent on player ability! His speed was a type of reward for you to be able to keep the momentum going! It was NEVER A PROBLEM! People got fed up with Dimps’s boost shit because it turned the game into a generic roller coaster ride! Now in order to obtain some sort of speed, you have to make your index fingers sore!? All this just to make Sonic work in 3D!?

First off, Sonic was able to work fine in 3D. It wasn’t perfect, but it didn’t need to be. As long as the games were cool and fun, we don’t give a flying FUCK about perfection! But in order to do that, you have to incorporate fucking Mario elements to do it!? I got a better idea! DROP THE 3D AND JUST WORK WITH 2D! Don’t use Dimps physics and use the engine that was used for the Sonic CD remake for your future games! Don’t cock up everything else out of some misguided desire to perfect 3D gameplay! More people would prefer a SONIC 5 rather than this bullshit!

Takashi Iizuka, WHY THE HELL WERE YOU HIRED FOR SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!? You’re literally suggesting that something that has NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE in the series… has to be corrected by a Super Mario Bros. Mechanic!? Is that literally what you believe now?!

I didn’t think I was accurate by calling you the Eiji Aonuma of Sega! You are planning on turning the series into SOMETHING IT’S NOT! A fucking Mario clone! Why!? Because the Nintards masquerading as Sonic fans shoved it down your throat!? Find your balls and tell them to fold their dicks up and take their Mario obsessions outside in the rain so Sega fans don’t have to watch another of their series completely DIE OFF, not because of idiotic corporate management, but because their in-house devs decided that the series “needs to be fixed!”. You can’t fix a series with no appeal! No one is going to pay $300+ on a defective console to play goddamn Sonic the Hedgehog! It ain’t gonna work!

And invoking Nintendo shit is NEVER going to work! Mario games have never been 100% perfect. Super Mario World is a testament to that. Those Galaxy games more so! What’s next!? You’re gonna need fire shields to do a fire dash and get through some vine obstacles while the power up is timed too!? You already got trite touch pad gimmicks…. ugh. Fuck it.

You know what? Iizuka is the worst thing to happen to Sonic the Hedgehog, he’s an incompetent jack ass with very little regard for how the series worked in the past. I don’t care how tight Knuckles was. You don’t go around and suggest a staple of a series is already a PROBLEM after 15 fucking years of it having no effect on the series popularity. What you need to do is take a time stone, go back to 2003-4 and tell your younger self NEVER put a damn gun in the series. Everything would’ve been just fine if that never happened! But no! You think “Shadow’s a DAAAAAAARK character, so lets take inspiration of Hollywood’s trashy action movies and completely FUCK UP any chance of Sonic having respect anymore”. And now you’re gonna turn Sonic into Mario Jr. as a means of fixing Sonic’s non speed problem? Fuck you, Takashi.

This partnership has already gone down the drain. Now watch that asshole post this on gamefaqs just so I can read all the comments about “O Y DON U WAIT UNTIL PLAI DA GAEM DUUUUR RANDOM MENTAL DISORDER!”.


Yurugu must be having a field-day ruining people’s lives.

You know, growing up, I’ve always gotten into arguments with people about what makes you a “true fan” of something. There’s no such thing, really. If you like something, you’re a fan, period. If you like something that has a bad reputation, you obviously want to get a little hands on to improve the situation.

When Sonic’s appeal was completely eroded during the 4 years between Shadow the Hedgehog to Secret Rings, everyone got onto the internet to post their ideas of how to save Sonic the Hedgehog. Sega has practically done nothing more than sit back and listen, and for the most part, nearly drove the series into the ground by caving in. Unfortunately, now, it seems the majority of people LOVE the idea of Mario and Sonic being in bed together which would explain the rampant successes of Mario and Sonic at the Olympics, and while some have expressed concern over this partnership between Sega and Nintendo on Sonic game exclusivity, I can assure you that EVERYONE is warming up to those ideas. So the next thing we can expect is Nintendo firmly buying Sega. Trust me on this. That’s gonna happen. And all the little Nintards are going to love it and turn Sonic into something he’s not. A shallow Mario clone.

Why’s that, you ask? Because this is what the internet is demanding. Now, we all have the issue of believing that game companies should always listen to their fans. That’s not true 100% of the time. It’s nice to know game companies want fan input, but when a fanbase is so goddamn stupid, we get bad results (like Shadow the Hedgehog). Unfortunately, the fanbase does not believe they hold any responsibility whatsoever in regards to how the franchise is turning out. Why? Because it “ultimately comes down to the creators”. While true to an extent (no one wanted a gun in the series), I think it’s been proven that Sega can do better without fan input most of the time, because when they usually implement fan ideas into games, they more often than not fuck up.

Now, no one asked for Sonic Colors or Generations, and for the most part, they turned out fine. Everyone asks for Sonic 4 and it gets shat on. Sonic 06 was everyone wanting an Adventure 3. We get more boosting in Sonic games due to the insane love for the Rush games on the DS.

We assume that Sega makes shitty games based off of Sonic alone, but we never talk about Super Monkey Ball, Virtua Fighter, House of the dead, Yakuza, or anything of that nature. See, those games have tiny fanbases, which is why Sega can go in and still make pretty damn good games off of those properties. Turn around to Sonic which gets more requests and input, you get mediocrity.

The fans give more input than they need. And as such, need to accept at least some responsibility in how the series has turned out now. Thanks to Sonic Retro, now I can’t get that “Sonic Galaxy” image out of my head, so we have Sonic starting to slowly turn into Mario, which is what the fans wanted. The Sonic fanbase has exerted more power and influence on a video game series more than any other fanbase I’ve ever known. And what’s worse, now many of them are becoming bronies.

I don’t know how or why this “phenomena” started, but it’s already sickening to see grown men pretend that it’s ok to like girly shit. See, I’ve noticed that men have become increasingly more feminine as the years go by, and that’s mostly due to the rise of homo/metrosexual fads overcoming the intent of nature. Usually, men would just hide their fascinations and never speak of them, but due to some grand joke by Yurugu, the internet has probably given these manchildren the mentality that you can “come out” and express your love of the series to people in the most debilitating ways. Look at this mess here.

Though we don’t often realize it, young men (approx. age 13-29) are constrained by a variety of social norms. (The same applies to any other demographic, of course.) We tend to enjoy badass things like superheroes and martial arts. (Well we’re mostly internet nerds so we don’t do much martial arts, but we watch martial arts movies etc.) We spend a lot of time playing Halo or Modern Warfare, killing aliens and terrorists. This is all fine; we actually do enjoy this stuff. But for most of our lives, we have been socially prohibited from enjoying anything cute, pure or innocent. (Even our comedies are crude.) This prohibition is so strong that we don’t even realize it’s there; we don’t even think about various styles of entertainment which don’t fit within our social norms. (And those who deviate are often derrided as “fags” etc.) This has created a kind of emotional malnutrition; we have not allowed ourselves to consume as much cuteness, pureness or innocence in our media as we would actually like to consume.

And yet, Pokemon fans are more comfortable expressing themselves than most people. Men are not prohibited from anything revolving around cute shit (go to Japan and see for yourselves). They’re encouraged to not get into shit for little girls. That’s the key difference. Men SHOULD like cute shit. Why? Well tell me, man to man. Do you like this?


Who the fuck wouldn’t!? Well, except those bigoted assholes who think “children suck” or whatever.

It’s not impossible for men to like cute shit. In fact, it should be encouraged, especially since we have a situation where we have fatherless children being born into this world. You know another thing about fathers? They don’t like to watch kids shows. But if they’ve got kids that beg them to watch, they go ahead and do it because they love their kids. Amma help them if they’re daughters and they’re made to watch some ass cheese called MLP. Oh wait, MLP has references that adults would understand, huh?

Guess what? That’s only so those fathers wouldn’t feel like they’re wasting their fucking time watching that bullshit. Not so the show can appeal to a broader audience. Or so you can go around collecting little girl’s toys to express your love of the show.

And it’s not even legitimate love of the show. If you truly love something, you don’t need to go out of your way to prove it on the internet. You just do it without a care in the world. See, these bronies don’t really love the show. They’ve admitted multiple times that they do this shit to mock the societal norms of America. As if this is somehow a liberating experience. And I can’t help but to laugh because it’s the most retarded shit I’ve ever heard. You’re not “inspirational” because you go against societal norms. You’re just making asses of yourselves. Buying the toys, the decorations, the DVDs, whatever, does not entitle you to respect. And believe, Bronies have some serious self-entitlement issues on a scale similar to Nintard levels. If someone expresses their bile of MLP, that should be perfectly fine. But these batshit mother fuckers will raid your ass and make-believe they’re doing karate horse kicks in your face if you so much as express disdain for a particular stallion.

It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t mention their status as Yurugu’s mistakes on EVERY GODDAMN FORUM IN THE COSMOS! You could even be on a forum about…. women’s tits, who knows, and they bring that pony shit up. If you tell them to shut up about it, they will bitch and moan and talk about “how hard it is to be accepted in a world that was ruined by 9/11”. Hey, asshole, that shit is a tragedy in itself. Don’t use people’s deaths to push your agenda on others. We don’t give a rat’s ass, 2/5’s of a fuck about your desires to be loved! You know how you can be loved? Put on a straight jacket, have someone duck tape your mouths, and roll your ass in a ditch somewhere. Niggas wanna jack off to titties, you mopey fucks! Don’t make me get Action Hank on yo ass!

It wouldn’t be so bad if MLP wasn’t such a shitty toy brand that people didn’t get into until they made some cheap ass, flash animated cartoon years down the road and it all of a sudden becomes popular because kids today are so fucked up in their heads and have zero standards whatsoever. Bronies are like the homosexual communities that exist in the media back houses of hip hop and even the educational system who seem more and more determined to push their “ways” onto others, like most white folks do. And when people say “leave me the hell alone”, they kick and scream demanding respect. And usually, they go so far as to completely defame a person for not wanting that shit to the point that the “suspect” caves in, apologizes, and is forced to experience their “ways” until they accept and love it in the same vain as these assholes.

These are dangerous shit birds with an agenda. So believe me when I say they do not belong within the Sonic fandom. Sega, as I’ve said a million times already, are taking hints from Sonic fans who, for all intents and purposes, are the mutated offspring dregs of Nintards and Anime fans who only got into the fandom through that bullshit Sonic X and Gamecube ports. These are the same dumbasses who think Nintendo owns the IP to Sonic despite having games on several different consoles. And these are the same fucks who demand Sonic to be more like Mario every chance they get. I think I speak for the, ahem….. TRUE FANS (*gasps*) when I say “we can do bad by ourselves”. Sega’s already invoking light-hearted atmosphere into the series exclusively if the last 5 Sonic games are anything to go by, I swear if the next Sonic game is called “Rainbows” or whatever (Colors was bad enough), that will be the day Sonic truly dies. Bronies have imperialistic tendencies to push their mindsets on other people, deliberately and feverishly. I personally don’t want Sega to get the wrong fuckin ideas about Sonic games being about “the power of friendship” or “life lessons” that no one gave a shit about back with “Sonic Sez” segments. Because mark my words, looking at the Six Deadly Retards and the “family friendly” Nintendo Partnership, that’s where we are headed.

Now, if I may be redundant, you can like whatever the fuck you want, and that’s fine. But when I see some shit like this:

FUCK YOU! You’ve crossed the moral event horizon.

The Sonic fandom needs to establish some standards because at this point, this is going too far. We’ve already allowed the Nintards to cannibalize the fandom enough as it is. So if these Bronies start becoming the majority demographic, that’s the fucking end of it. Sonic will be doomed to “magical fairies and witches” with nothing cool or epic about them. We’ll continue to have cheesy ass music like “Colors feel so bright” and more cheerleading friends with words of encouragement and no involvement with the ass kicking, and more nonsensical plots about “Sonic and Eggman teaming up for the first time” even though they’ve teamed up about several million times in the past, fuck man! When Sega says “they didn’t know fans wanted to play other characters besides Sonic”, tis the time to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fan input is contributing more and more to Sonic’s demise, and I know it’s a hard pill to swallow for many of you people. Curse and scream at companies like CAPCOM! NINTENDO! KONAMI! They’re the main ones going out of control by screwing their fans over. And that NAMCO!? Stop fucking up Soul Calibur! I LIKED Taki you assholes! Now I gotta play this blond, flat-chested bore with no personality and even shittier moves!?

As for the Bronies reading and foaming at mouth, leave. Please leave. Your presence within the fanbase is undesirable. Lepers avoid you. You are all weeds, fungi, dregs of this earth. Spineless little worms deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. You’re proof that every good gene pool has a shallow end. I hope you never have children. It would truly be a shame if you infected this world with your poisoned seed. Then again, looking at your mortifying lifestyle, you couldn’t get laid in a morgue.


Dammit, now I look back at the trailer and it DOES look like Mario Galaxy, slightly. Goddammit, now I can’t get it out of my head.

Mario Galaxy was a piece of shit, but I’m gonna be a little more confident that this game would be more fun. Hopefully there’s no shit to find and there’s “fast platforming” like what we’re used to. None of that “need power up to progress” bullshit.

Many things.

Looking at the trailer, it’s the lost worlds of Sonic before Iizuka’s silly ass “real world” shit took over. Sonic’s animal friends (the ones you rescue from robots) return, the game looks more old school than Generations, etc.

The concepts from Sonic X-treme look to be revived. That’s been a major lost world, and one of the most controversial.

The game takes place on a spherical world, similar to “Little Planet”. That’s a helluva lost world, but I doubt we’ll be seeing the glorious Collision Chaos Zone any time soon.

It seems Sega is honestly taking this long to go back to Sonic’s old school content. It’s too late to appeal to the older fans in an era where he has no appeal. But hey, better late than never. It’s got my interest, in some ways. The problem I see is the villains, really. They’re the worst looking things I’ve laid eyes on in years. And the story is going to revolve around them. What are they, aliens? Mutants? Cousins of Toejam and Earl? Whatever they are, they absolutely SUCK!

I mean, hell, keep everything else. Just get rid of those awful villains.

Yes, I know everyone hates Sonic and the Secret Rings/Black Knight with extreme prejudice, but hear me out. These are quite honestly the only Japanese devs at Sega who have, at the very least, an understanding of what the fuck Sonic is supposed to be.

Unfortunately, Ogawa, from what I’ve read in the past, no longer works at Sega and is with some weird company named “Ryu gaku….” whatever the fuck it is. Maybe the rabbid journalists ripped the hell out of Black Knight to the point of him getting fired (since reviews determine if you get a bonus these days, which is quite fucked up in any regard), so no chance of him ever coming back, but work with me.While, yes, Colors and Generations are signs that Sega is slowly moving away from the cheese fest of the latest Sonic games around, SOJ still shows it’s desire to cater to the childish adults who think “kid friendly” means teletubbies with attitude. With Colors being as fruity as MLP, and Generations having content that hardly lives up to the music and presentation, and then look at the latest trailer for Sonic “LOST WORLDS!”

Mother fucker, that’s Sonic X-treme! Oh well, they did say “lost worlds” right? Guess the mismanaged crackas from STI will finally have a finished product.

But enough sentimentality. Why would Ogawa and Katano be better directors for Sonic games? Simply put, look at the content for Secret Rings and Black Knight. Ignore the concepts of fighting with a sword, being trapped in storybooks or anything else. Actually, hold up. First off, what is wrong with Sonic fighting with a goddamn sword, first of all? Besides bad controls, that is? Hell, the only thing really bad about the controls is the frame delay before Sonic actually attacks.

First off, I’m assuming the repulsed reception of “Sonic using a sword” is some left-over mouth-foaming hatred from Shadow using guns from hardcore Sonic fans going on the logic of “Why does Sonic need a sword to fight!? He has his own powers!” The question you should be asking is “who gives a fuck?” After all, he DOES drive a car for racing purposes. The next question you should be asking is..

Would you fuck with him with the sword in hand?

Look, we all know the nigga is the fastest thing alive, but most of his attacks come from high velocity collision attacks. They’re powerful enough to destroy robots and BIG ASS BOULDERS. But instead of thinking “that’s good enough”, why not go “how do I make sure no one gets the incentive to fuck with me”? Then ask yourself how it would feel like to be living helicopter blades? This is how you turn a Kinetic force of nature into a weapon of ass destruction! Instead of limiting yourself by “just good enough”, think in terms of “no one would DARE challenge me now!”

Let me take that a step further with Shadow the Hedgehog. Why use weapons when he has chaos control? Well… why waste his energy on worthless humans and aliens? You are beneath his powers, so he’s going to insult you by using inferior methods.

There, I’ve defended two of the most hated concepts of the Sonic series. You are now free to feed me your hostility and pierce me with your hatred. All I can say is at least they aren’t turning Sonic into a goddamn cave drawing.

Anywho, one of the things Ogawa and the gang have done right in particular was making Sonic seem… normal, for the most part. It’s like ever since Sonic X, Sega started turning Sonic into less of a loudmouth asshole and into… I wanna say Spike Spiegal from Cowboy Bepop, but with more of an “Heero Yui mary sue” streak, where he just seems too “perfect” with no known personality flaws, and everyone is only nervous around his thrill seeking tendencies. In the “storybook” games, the other characters have a tendency to get pissed at him for his thrill seeking tendencies, he’s more short-tempered than usual, has lapses in judgement several times… kinda like his old self. I guess being around characters who aren’t… exactly familiar helps bring out Sonic’s more likable traits. Hell, he actually gets his ass kicked for once.

See, the reason playing “only Sonic” these days seems like a shitty idea is because the character of Sonic is not easy to stomach. People like flawed characters in stories mainly because there’s no point to having a perfect character with no room for development. The joy of stories is usually putting imperfect characters in situations to see how they persevere. Ask any REAL gundam fan what they think of Gundam Wing and I’ll bet you many of them would take offense with the nigh invincible emo five band, especially that fuck head Heero Yui who can somehow grow organic wings out of an armored vehicle.

In his woooooooooorld. The woooooorld of Red bull.

Another thing I’ve enjoyed was how they can make existing Sonic characters even more bad ass than they used to be. For example…

Dual-Axe-Wielding Knuckles Mother Fucker

Just look at dat sumabitch.

No… look at him.

That’s Knuckles. Dual-wielding axes. And he can swing them at a high-velocity as if he was Joe Musashi. He looks like a goddamn assassin ready to rip some ass and fuck shit up. Not to mention he has less delay in his attacks than the other characters, and his Soul Surge attack is much more useful, making him once again the best character in the game. No really. Outside of Sonic Battle, Knuckles is always the best character to play as. While I haven’t played Transformed yet, I’m sure Joe would provide some competition for Knux in bad assery and technique. He’s usually always got some damn good advantages over other characters in Sonic games with multiple characters (sans that damn 06). He’s the fastest Power character in Riders, has the fastest boost charges in All Stars Racing, and the fastest attacks in BK.

Not to mention he’s smart again. Too bad Blaze is still the same old one-dimensional bitch shes always been.

I think we can all admit that Ogawa and Katano comes up with better designed villains. I mean look at the new bunch of retards they’ve got in the next game. AOSTH called. They want their shitty “character of the day” designs back. SR and BK had villains that looked like threats. Tell me, which looks more like a villain to you?

Granted, Merlina looks like an animu shit stain, but tell me how the fuck ANYONE is supposed to find those “deadly six” to be anything but rejects for Divatox’s henchmen?

Even I, the great Elgar, look scarier than those tools!

Whoever did Erazor’s voice should be fired, but damn. Look at the lazy ass designs of those six! It’s like they let a fucking kid draw that shit up in 2 minutes and called it a day. And we all know that green bitch is gonna be 34’d in the next 12 hours. These villains are completely shallow, have zero thought put into them, and the trailer already makes them seem non-threatening by virtue of Sonic not giving a shit about red man’s punches. The man can take down an over-sized water god without the need of a super form, he ain’t gonna piss himself over those assholes anytime soon!

Then, there’s the music. The concept of being inside of a storybook world sounds gay as hell, thank Amma they put in music to invoke some sense of “cool” to stave off the fruit fest. And a damn fine soundtrack to boot!

Better than that ass cheese OST of Colors, ain’t it? I don’t care how nice Aquarium Park’s theme is! Honestly, considering the campy direction the series is going, this was a relief.

And is it just me or were these the only Sonic games that had the capacity to kick your ass last generation? Secret Rings might be more of a frustrating game due to shitty level, RPG, and boss designs, mind you, but it’s rare to find a Sonic game that didn’t treat you like one of the bitch ass hardcore gamers that couldn’t handle any game’s difficulty unless it was a slower paced RPG.

Now gameplay wise, that’s a whole ‘nother issue best left to someone with better skills in level design (Secret Rings) or knowing how to cut back on frame delay (Black Knight), but in regards to content alone, Ogawa and Katano should be running things. They seem to display some knowledge of what made Sonic appealing in the past while trying new concepts and fixing up the muckery that is SOJ’s desire to appeal to the Japanese (and failing miserably). It’s a real shame when a spinoff feels more like a Sonic game than the main series entries of late. The faux “back to the roots” bullshit has failed miserably as games like Sonic 4 and Generations hardly feel like trips back in time (mainly due to all the re-releases and… general feel of the games not matching up well at all). Hell, if you can’t do it right, try and go back to how the series was feeling prior to Shadow the Hedgehog, which is what SR and BK do just enough. This whole “over-done kid friendly” fad that the fuck-headed fanbase demanded is just killing the franchise further than usual. But no, lets make the series more “4kidsy” for initial praise before people quickly dismiss the game weeks afterward for being “bland” and “dull”.



















Honestly, deadly six? Amma, those are 6 shitty looking characters. Shit like them makes you appreciate (OH THAT WORD!) the concepts that went into SR and BK.

The baddest mother fucker ever made.

Joe Musashi. The Original Shinobi. Most of ya’ll probably too young to recognize a real nigga. Wit all yo punk ass Call of Duties and Rock Bands and that pussy ass Kratos. While ya’ll were jackin off to lining up gun shots and reload animations, back in the day, I was playin Ninjas. Let me tell ya’ll young mother fuckers about Mr. whip yo ass Musashi. He could kill Ryu Hayabusa with one Kunai. Fuck his “jutsu” magic bullshit, he would make the Dragon Ninja his bitch. Along with dat punk ass Strider Hiryu, some bitch-made Ninja who depends on machines to beat his opponents down. Strider sucks 12 copious amounts of asses. Oh, what? What? You wanna bring up Rikimaru!? You think he knows bad? He’s a goddamn choir boy compared to the original Oboro Ninja Master. You don’t fuck with a Mofo who’s killed Rambo, Hulk/Terminator, Spiderman, Batman, and mother fucking Godzilla all in one game. He was dubbed the “Super Shinobi” for a reason.

That said, I decided to play Shadow Dancer for the Arcade over the weekend. And believe me, this game will rape you to crumbs! It’s a quarter vacuum, you’ll need to pull out your damn college funds to complete this bitch. It’s probably the single most relentless beast of an arcade that shits all over the “difficulty” of Contra.

Playing through all four “worlds”, it’s easy to see why people prefer the genesis version. While drastically different, the game has a lesser chance of giving you an aneurysm, along with having better control over your dog Yamato, and better hit detection. But the most important aspect that makes GENESIS Dancer superior over ARCADE Dancer? It’s real simple. It’s no secret as the sub title would like to imply.


Are you sure?

*clears throat*




Yes, we all love this bitch because it’s much easier to go through than a good majority of Shinobi titles in the series. Hell, Shinobi 3 is easier than the rest of the post PS2 games, and is considered the best game in the series (having better moves also was a factor, that and IDATEN!).

Infact, Mega Man 2 is the “easiest” of the Classic Mega Man games, and it’s the main crowd pleaser. More people love the X games.

Soul Calibur isn’t a hard game to learn and neither is Tekken.

Simple, my audience of 3. See, the Hardcore gamer branch (and developers) have a very popular misconception of old games that came out before the rise of 3D Computer gaming. That all of these games were cock-smashingly difficult. Now, I find this funny because I don’t recall anyone talking about how hard these games were. Many of us didn’t even think about a game’s difficulty, we were too busy having fun gettin our asses beat. No one remembers things about “difficulty” or “challenge factor” except the hardcore and the developers. Else all the retro throwbacks wouldn’t try so hard to be so hard. I mean, why would Keiji Inafune associate Mega Man 2’s roots with level design that was NEVER present in Mega Man 2? Not in terms of gimmicks, but in terms of sheer difficulty? He completely misunderstood why people enjoyed Mega Man 2 because it was NEVER that damn hard!

See, people always talk about wanting a “challenging” game. But everyone starts going around acting like smart asses when people are given said “challenging” game and they turn out hating it. Hardcore gamers call out for hypocrisy for the lulz but fail to realize the aspects of the game in which said difficulty becomes a turn off.

For one, take Revenge of Shinobi’s first level and compare it to Shinobi III’s first level.

He makes this look easy, but this level requires memorization and many times of practice to make it look this good. Take note of the samurai enemies. These things can block your attacks and only expose themselves when you get up-close. You have about a small window of opportunity to get in a hit. Then rinse and repeat. To be honest, they’re pussies in comparison to the final boss of Shadow Dancer Arcade (basically the same strategy but a more unpredictable attack pattern and wtf I hate this boss)

Easy as hell, and makes one feel like a bad ass. I like that trick where he blows through the samurai’s waves with not a single fuck given.

The differences are clear. While many will give Revenge of Shinobi cred for being a “great game”, no one would even think about putting it over Shinobi 3. You’re better off trying to explain to Nintards the fallacies of making a Pikmin 3 when nobody wants it.

Those new to Shinobi will immediately turn off their emulators in disgust of ROS’s very first level. You’re not at all used to or comfortable with the controls yet and you’re immediately thrown into a wolf pit filled with faster enemies and drones who can defend against your attacks and counter you if you get too close.

On the other hand, Shinobi 3 has nothing more than sacks of meat you can waste without even thinking about it, making you feel confident. Shinobi 3 is more inviting than Revenge. Revenge is frustrating. Shinobi 3 is challenging.

A “Challenging” game allows the player to feel confident enough that they can overcome tougher obstacles without feeling “cheated”. A “Frustrating” game takes food away from a starving player and rewards it’s own design for a job well done at showing the player that he isn’t “man enough” to roll with the wolf pack.

We can chalk up the least memorable games of the late 80’s/early 90’s to bad design in general, or still designing console games with the intent of bleeding quarters out of players, but believe me when I say that when it comes right down to it, Sonic games will always be fondly remembered than games like Castlevania or even Ninja Gaiden. Infact, Ninja Gaiden’s popularity waned faster than Resident Evil’s in this era. Resident Evil still has people anticipating newer installments (at least until we got Op. Raccoon City and RE6’s first trailer). As RE kept getting easier and easier, more players were getting into the series than were for Ninja Gaiden. Let it be known that when a game’s most notable aspect is it’s sheer difficulty, it’s going to turn a good sizable portion of players off.

There’s nothing good about frustrating games than to serve as a lesson of terrible game design. Unfortunately, many developers believe the most significant thing about old games was the frustration you get from them. Of course, that’s only natural. Developers today come from the Computer centric branch of gamers. Computer games aren’t very challenging in comparison to to Arcade games. Those who worship computer games are bound to find Arcade and Console games of old to be pretty fuckin hard.

You want to go through Hyrule, be a tough and bad ass hero? Well get with the times cause you are nothing but a Zero!

He’s so shitty, he couldn’t eat an Octorok!

Many Retro throwbacks or “Arcade” genre games of today are unusually difficult at times, be it scripted events or having to perform multiple tasks in a milisecond to get over a certain hurdle, as though the DIFFICULTY of a game is supposed to make the hardcore feel nostalgic about DYING multiple times, it is a sick obsession with frustration that has made the “retro” fads of the last generation die out so fast. Nowadays, we think a “retro” game has to be like taking a bloody shit where at the end, you cry loudly in despair as if that’s supposed to be superb game design because it allows the “few” who can get passed it all ti feel supreme to all others who could not.

A frustrating game is an “exclusionary” game. A “challenging” game like Ninja Gaiden 3 (NES) is inclusive as it invites the player with the intent of rewarding the players with the rest of it’s content, not having the intent of making the player feel miserable and hopeless through only 1% of it’s content. It’s like going to a party where taking one step inside gets you a free bucket load of cow dung dumped on top of you, everyone laughs maniacally while you are dared to just go in, smelling like ass, and mingle despite the fact. You’re uncomfortable, and no one wants to be near you. Infact, they vomit at the mere thought of you and desire nothing more than to kick your ass if you get too close. Bonus points if that chick you wanted to bang is also at the party and is repulsed by your asshole appearance.

Hardcore gamers believe this to a fault. Check out some of their rom hacks of Mega Man 2 (especially the Bass Hack where in Metal Man’s stage, you are required to make tricky jumps as soon as you enter the damn room). Going a step further, rom hacks with more “difficulty” are basically the hardcore twats trying to show off how good their level design is by making it extremely difficult to go through. But the main reason with this thought process is the same reason they want to destroy the dreaded “casuals”, which is ironic as the casuals are the main people who could handle a challenging game no matter the format. The hardcore take “challenging” to extreme levels, trying to raise the bar as high as possible so that the “casuals” wouldn’t be able to reach it.

One of the main reasons anyone played a console game was to see what the later levels looked like. There was a strong, natural desire to progress through the game. Many players were invited into the game via the ease of the first few levels. But after that, they had to earn the right to the rest of the game’s levels via skill. Art of Fighting 2 is one such example. You would be lucky to kick the first fighter’s ass before moving on. Kenseiden for the Master System, grab some ice packs cause you’re gonna be hotter than a four-alarm fire after playing that for a while. Break out the blood pressure meds for DKCR, Path of Radiance, Castle of Shikigami 3, and the like. All of these, plus more, are games that discourage one’s desire to progress and see the rest of the game’s content out of a sick obsession with “challenging the player”. When your goal is to challenge the player, you’re actually planning on making the game as tedious and as infuriating as possible. It seems that’s everyone’s intent when it comes to “Retro throwbacks”. Retro shouldn’t = frustrating. Mega Man games can be frustrating, but Capcom was smart enough to let you select which levels to go through before experiencing how little you will achieve. It’s little things like that which can salvage an already badly designed game. After all, if you’re gonna piss off your audience, you might as well give them everything besides the final levels.

Unfortunately, when devs (aside from Nintendo and Sega) set out to make retro throwbacks, their minds switch to “sadist” mode in some misguided effort to completely alienate their audience and “show them how hard games were back then”. Why not just make a challenging modern day game without cheap shit to make it difficult beyond all reason? Konami seemed to have taken those hints with their last few “retro throwbacks”

In the end though, no one seems to know a damn thing about “balance” anymore.

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

WOW! The United Kracka kingdom actually decided to give Nintendo a break! The Xbox One is SOOO bad, they decided to buy a FUCK LOAD of Wii U’s off of Amazon! Those online tax lobbying bitch asses shredded cheddar, and all they had to do was wait for Microsoft to completely FUCK UP any chance of people buying their premium, low quality, industry standard pushing trash!

And Nintendo did NOTHING! How’s that for pathetic? The only way people will buy a Wii U is if another competitor pulls an EVEN WORSE move that scares everyone off!

Way to go Nintendo, you are now the lesser of 3 evils!

Alright. Stick em in, my dear bitches.

Oh you!

“If you’re backwards compatible, you’re really backwards,”

This despite the fact that Xbox 1111 has the same goddamn CPU as the original Xbox. X86. Bah, I’m sure some techodrone is foaming at the mouth reading that and screaming “IDIOT!” several times at his monitor. Let me guess, it’s a “completely different version of the CPU chip not related to yadda yadda”.

At least let this rep come out and explain why instead of mouthing out the middle finger to everyone who’s more than likely pissed off about this. Xbox One has to be the most hostile console ever developed. So many strict policies on used games, online accounts, and Kinect devices, shit!

How does any of this benefit the customers in any way? When you make a product for the consumers, they need to assess the needs of the customers. Gaming customers want stable machines to play games for more than 3 years, they want a variety of games (hint hint Nintendo), they want backward’s compatibility, they want online to play with people across the world without a catch. This is how the Wii succeeded where the other consoles failed. But nowadays, console devs are so caught up in stupid features like “TV” and “development software” that they completely ignore the needs of the customers. And Mattrick’s comment about Backwards Compatibility speaks volumes about them not giving a shit. But hey, since when does Microscopic care about anything but handing their customers magnifying glasses to suck their dicks more easily? They only have the worst customer service in the whole-wide world, their operating systems fuck up so often, and their game consoles took the PS2 strategy and basically mandates a re-purchase every 3 months or so.

It doesn’t assess ANYONE’S needs except Microshits. Everything this console needs involves deep pockets. You need constant internet or else you forfeit a gamer tag and need buy another one, need a gamer tag for different Xbox’s or you need to rebuy your game collection just to play your shit again, need a functioning Kinect device and hope it doesn’t fuck up or pay for another Kinect, increase your internet bill just to log in EVERYDAY for your tag to stay available.

Xbox One is based around anxiety and revenue generation. In a capitalist society, you need people to remain virtual anxious and in some form of fear if you’re going to convince them they are flawed people that they need to put down just enough money to buy your products. There’s so many weight  loss commercials to give a fat ass a heart attack. Make people feel ugly without make up. Make people feel stinky with out a special brand of soap. Make feel unhealthy and guilty with diet bars. Xbox WAR!? Make people feel irresponsible by requiring they log in every day just to keep their accounts active. Make sure they follow all the little rules carefully or risk taking a hit in the pocket book. It’s nothing more than a free tax machine (but it’s YOUR FAULT for not being attentive to it’s needs).

This is an “exclusionary” game device as it looks and sounds more and more like an expensive computer, just with more taxes than usual. In this recession, Microshit can’t appeal to anyone except upper-class crackas who don’t mind being watched every moment of their life.

Ain’t nobody gonna buy this piece of shit except the dumbasses on Gaf, Faqs, and YT. I mean for what? A stroke at a premium price? I know this bitch is gonna cost up to like 700 G’s or more.

So these bastards posted up a Q&A regarding the “features” of Xbox “ONE”!


Q:    Does Xbox One require an “always on” Internet connection?
A:    No, it does not have to be always connected, but Xbox One does require a connection to the Internet. We’re designing Xbox One to be your all-in-one entertainment system that is connected to the cloud and always ready. We are also designing it so you can play games and watch Blu-ray movies and live TV if you lose your connection.
Q:    How do consumers benefit by being connected to the cloud?
A:    The cloud makes every experience better and more accessible.  Because Xbox One is powered by the cloud:

  • Your games have more power available to create new gameplay, persistent worlds, and deeper experiences.
  • Your system and games can update automatically, so you shouldn’t have to wait for downloads or updates.
  • Your games and entertainment are stored and saved in the cloud, so you can access them anytime, from any Xbox One.* 
  • Start a game, movie, or TV show on one console and finish exactly where you left off on another.
  • You can play multiplayer games with your friends, stream movies or TV shows right away, and enjoy the community and social features of Xbox Live.
  • Xbox One can recognize you, log you in and tailor your home screen just for you.”

Pay attention to the bold. The second question gets an answer about playing games off of cloud. This is important because you cannot play a used game on a different Xbox. You NEED an account. Without the account, you will be charged a fee to play the shit on another Xbox. The cloud system is there to subvert this, meaning your game has to be tied to an account just to play the game without any additional fees. So if your shit fucks up on you, you better hope your account is still active or else you will be charged.

The “Always Online” isn’t the Console’s status. It IS, however, a mandate for all users or face penalties.

If PS4 takes this same route, I apologize to Sega for siding with Nintendo.

Microsoft will charge fee for secondary installation.

Kinect Required.

Wow. Really? I mean, it’s bad enough that the Durango or whatever the fuck they’re calling it is an attempt to block out used games, but charging people to use the same fucking game on a different Durango!? I can just see failure rates turning people off. Microsoft has purposefully unstable game consoles that demand re-purchases, and poor customer service to boot! If you buy a shit load of Durango games, but your durango fucks up, you have to buy an new console, and REPURCHASE ALL OF YOUR GAMES! So that’s like the normal unit price + the grand total of your entire Durango game collection + the new tax laws for violent video games in the works (which I’m positive will make up like 80% of the hardcore’s collections) + the price of a Kinect device…

Shit, PS4 sounds sexier at this point, despite the lack of BC. If only Sega didn’t sign up with Nintendo’s piece of shit device.

Fuck it, Microsoft is just shooting themselves in the foot this generation. There’s no way in hell they can succeed with all of these factors alone. I don’t give a rats ass what the hardcore dipshits think or say, their optimistic “you haven’t even tried it” bullshit can hang the fuck up for the summer, this is insane.

And requiring a Kinect device? Well it isn;t that a coincedence? I mean, since the device will now actively monitor your activity during play time, Microsoft honestly believes spying on gamers will do anything for the government?

And in this economy, only the stupids will buy this crap. How’s that “COMPUTER GAMING” working out for yah “master race” bitches?

Cheers fuckers!