Category: Fighting games


Granted, I haven’t played that long (first day and all), but man it runs like piss. Is it because I’m on a 2DS and it can’t handle the alleged awesomeness of the game, or what? Its like trying to play Diablo 3 on an old Windows computer, with those big ass blocky monitors from back in the day. And Linkle (Linket sounds better, btw)

Anywho, since I obviously haven’t played much, I can’t comment. So instead of that, I’m talking about LBX.

The greatest 3DS game ever!

Behold, young ones! You stare into the visage… of greatness!

CUSTOM ROBO! It was a work of beauty. One of the Gamecube’s rarest of reasons… to own that piece of shit console! Twus a game that me feel truly validated for picking the inferior console!

Actually fuck it. Custom Robo was the tits! I would literally spend an entire night just perfecting my Chickenheart wit the Splash/Air Dive Charge Combo and completely fuck up whoever thought they could win by spamming gattling guns, or going with the Lightening Sky Models and raping everything with the After Burners or the Hornets or what may have you. This shit would turn you into a retarded ass Batman, if you will! All this “prep time” and shit you had to deal!?

Ok look, Custom Robo wasn’t the most bomb game on Cube, but would you honestly pick dat Fire Emblem shit over fucking ROBOTS!?

So after what felt like an eternity after playing the inferior Custom Robo Arena on DS (I still aint finish dat shit), I was wondering “when NIntendo gonna come out with a sequel!?”. Yeah, I know, Custom Robo sold like shit,but so did Pikmin, and that weak ass series got a sequel just cause Nintendo has a hard on for big noses. And swords. Come on, 6 Fire Emblem characters? Just cause Sakurai loves that piece of shi-ok I’m rambling again.

If you or anyone else has been missing Custom Robo, LBX is literally the closest thing you can get to a damn fine substitute.

LBX is a “Mon” type game where the main character, Van or w/e, dreams of having his own killer toy robot. But his mama won’t let him have one because she has husband issues. But one day, a crazy stupid hot chick gives him a briefcase for no reason. Remember kids! Always trust strangers you would totally pork! ……God, that was horrible…

Anywho, when Van gets home, he cracks open the case to find a Mega Man toy.

After Van marvels at his first robot, he is immediately attacked by 3 robots controlled by literal clones (not making this up), so he grabs out his extroller (its a cell phone, really) and proceeds to tear ass. I have to ask, how the fuck do you control robots with cell phones!? It looks complicated.

After the mighty tutorial battle, Van finds his living room is fucked up with bullet holes (O_O) and what not. Yes, these things CAN kill you. And just when you thought he couldn’t be more fucked, his mama comes home, sees her son busted to the living room to shit… and then sees the blue LBX. Logically, this would be his ass for days… but she just says “ok w/e, have fun honey”.

So, the next day, the Mama basically reveals that “It is time for Van to RISE AND BECOME A HERO!” Yeah… the story is kinda dumb, but surprisingly well told that you don’t care about the logic. That or my expectations were severely low.

I’ll say 1 thing, this game gets a thousand bad ass points for actually trying to use a toy robot… to assasinate a mayor! Or using toy robots to send a train running out of control, or just using these toys to initiate a large scale energy crisis. The amount of plots used in this game, and the sheer scale at which they present the dangers of said plots are at times amazing. Sure, the plot loses points for literally having people that cheat Van’s way into victory… over… and over again, but eh. And Amy is completely useless as a person. Otherwise, the story is manageable, and interesting for an excuse plot.

As for the actual game itself? Virtual-On with better controls.

Battles can be fought from 2 to 6 players in typical 3rd person action. Like Custom Robo, you have the opportunity to customize yo shit before a fight. Unlike Custom Robo, fights aren’t entirely dependant on your current equipment… or at least the guns.

You have Guns, Swords, Spears, Knives, Hammers, all kinds of fine weaponry to equip your death machines with. You can also customize the robots entire frame with different set pieces. So you can have like a Gorilla’s arms with Chameleon feet. Why you would want that is anyone’s guess. Beyond the robot frame and weapons, you can also equip special moves which (like lots of games these days) are prone to micromanagement, and they aren’t really all that useful except for the crazy overpowered Super Moves. You know, the ones that have those long cutscenes to emphasize the seering pain it will inflict upon your soul.

Beyond that, you can also customize the Robo’s internal circuitry. Yeah, no bull. You can literally crack the muthas open and fiddle with their CPU, their battery, the core, the processor, all of these things really affect the stats of your robo and how well they perform. Defenses, how many stocks of super guage you get, how fast your guages charge up, how much you resist certain attacks, the kinds of special moves you gain access to, all of it is in the internal parts of the robo you have.

First time I played this game, this shit confused me. Cause there’s so much to keep track, especially the different parts being of different shapes and sizes, so you couldn’t have like several different pieces all over the place. It’s like Resident Evil 4 inventory management system where you’re constantly rearranging shit around to make stuff fit properly just so you can have more room for shit you don’t need. It just ends up with you screaming at the screen until you’re blue in the tits.

Tedious customizations aside, the battle system. You’ve got regular controls, and you got touch screen controls. Both sides are optional, so… don’t worry. Since my shoulder buttons are all shit, I had to stomach the touch screen for certain functions ANYWHO…

Like I said, battles can be from 2-6 combatants on-screen. You can use either a combination of close range or long range attacks. Depending on the gear you have, your robos can be slow or weak. Swords and Knuckle weapons are usually the fastest up close while Polearms, Hammers etc. are slower but hit harder, you get the idea. Also depending on your parts, your robo will excel at certain weapons better than others.

The fighting itself is at a decent pace, if you’ve played games like J-Stars or Digimon All-Star Rumble, or even Xenoverse, this game is pretty similar to some extent. The difference is this game plays better. For one, it doesn’t whore itself out to some puss ass Stamina system (even though LBX still has one). Another is that the fights aren’t as chaotic as the other games, so it’s easier to focus on the actual combat.

1 thing I will say is that guns… dominate… everything. Keeping yourself at a distance and shooting people will often win out more than close quarters. Especially those goddamn snipers with their… high damage… bullets! Its always those damned Snipers that destroy everyone!

So that’s the only real bad aspect of combat in that guns are easy mode and swords are for the non-pussies who know how to get around them. There’s nothing hard about using close-range weapons, but its dealing with bastards that know how to shoot and aim.

….I really don’t how to describe the combat, ok look ITS JUST FUN, ALRIGHT!?

with all that said, there is an aspect of the game I really don’t like, and it’s the sidequests. These are the only real shitty parts of the game, and them being optional, yes I know. The problem with the sidequests is knowing exactly what you are supposed to do. This is a game that really needs a serious game guide with details on everything. There was this one sidequest where you are sent on an errand to retrieve, are you ready for this!? FUCKING CUP CAKES! Not exactly the item, but close enough. You’re supposed to go to this food area and ask a lady if they have any. But you find that they don’t, so you go back to the girl that gave you the quest, but she tells you the same thing. Bring the bitch some cupcakes. Now, I scoured what little internet I could use to see what was wrong, because it took me 1 whole month to figure this out and complete the whole quest. Getting the cupcakes… is entirely RNG based. So you’re supposed to go back everyday, periodically, and check to see if they have cupcakes. And this is RNG, so you’re gonna be checking it over and over and over until you get those cupcakes.

This is one of the most obnoxious, arbitrary side quests in the whole game, and the reward for that quest is mediocre. Thats kind of the thing. Sidequests offer very little in the way of rewards, and if you’re lucky, you get an LBX card (I’ll explain later). Otherwise, they’re a waste of time and not worth the effort of long ass treks between different city blocks (too much backtracking)

So that’s 1 segment of replay value, the rest is… basically going OCD and trying to find more robo parts and sets, and the best way to do that is through the LBX Arcade, where you find LBX cards, slip em in a machine, and then fight the cards themselves. This way, you can gain new parts… randomly. Yeah. You know where that goes.

Overall, sure, I might’ve exxagerated on how awesome this bitch is… but shit, idc, THIS GAME IS BEYOND A FUCK LOAD OF AWESOMENESS! If you need action games where you kick a lot of robot ass, LBX is the game for you! I guess Level 5 gotta compensate for Nintendo’s bitch asses while they futz with Pokemon’s generic gen 7 names.

Seriously, “Sun and Moon”? Could they be any less original?

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I dont even think anyone comes here anymore. ­čśŤ

Where to begin? Well aside from literally wanting to kill cats and the Warner Bros. for FUCKING CANCELLING MKX… nothing really. Some reason, I now have a laptop as a gift… which caused unnecessary drama too foolish to explain. Deadpool movie was the tits. That’s rich. Fox did X-Men right for a change! That was 100% vintage Deadpool! And unlike the game, ┬áthe comedy didn’t feel forced at all! …….oh who am I kidding, I’ll be “wrong” about that somehow.

Anywho, gamewise, I’ve come to learn something. Namco is to Japanese games as a curling iron is to the dick.

Shit… redefined

To be a Tales fan means to have to constantly battle against any and all desires to interact with the fans of said franchise, for there is no threat to your sanity greater  than those that live and breathe this shit.

The Tales games I only invest in for comedic purposes as thus far, somehow, the Japanese actually learned how to be funny… or the localizers used to work on the Mario RPGs. At first glance, you could look at these games and assume they’re Japanese wank fests (it’s not THAT far from the truth), but by some bastion of great fortune, these games managed to exceed the stereotypical nonsense that most JRPGs are prone to (like Star Ocean), and actually entertains you. Sure, they’re long, stretched out, padded out the ass, and can wax poetic about nonsense like the rest of the Animu shmuck, but hey, as long as it’s not a huge bore, then it’s all good.

…….That stopped being the case with Zestiria.

This game, for some reason, managed to be worse than Xillia 1. Worse than Abyss. Worse than… hell, Sticker Star! Yeah…. that’s right, bitch! Sticker Star kicks more ass than Zestiria! Why!? That game’s mere premise alone writes itself!!

……… Oh nevermind. Lets get into it.

Bullshit is about Sorey, your typical JRPG protagonest who is confident, adventurous, and gets randomly picked as the chosen one to save the world, simply because a girl likes him. Sorey is on a mission to liberate the world from the “malevolence”.

He is joined by his best friend Mikleo, a character named after a McDonalds Happy Meal, and has a permanently resting bitch face. One would assume he would be a rival or possibly evil person, but no, he’s just the buttmonkey who complains about everything.

Along the way, Sorey gains the motivation to bring Humans and Seraphim together in harmony. Oh right… Seraphim are beings that live among Humans. Humans can’t see them (except for Sorey) or interact with them in any way. Which makes one of Sorey’s desires… pretty impossible to pull off… or just make sense of. He wants to bring 2 species together when one doesn’t even know the other exists. Right. Someone didn’t check the logic of their universe before handing out character motivations. Oh right, Mikleo is a Seraph too, which makes it look like Sorey is talking to himself… but barely anyone cares.

Sorey is also joined by Lailah, the fanservice bimboo who looks like a stick figure with boobs. Basically a One-Piece character. The voice of reason who randomly rambles about rabbits when conversations get uncomfortable, or makes really shitty attempts at humor because reasons. I would’ve guessed that this was because she was hiding some vaguely terrible secret, that ol’ foreshadowing technique, but an inept idiot could figure out the plot a mile away. And of course, the cast of characters are inept idiots.

Next, there’s Edna, a total cunt that makes Anise Tatlin look the best damn character in Abyss. A “child” genius, she insults everyone’s intelligence, constantly harrasses the McSandwich man, gives everyone stupid nicknames because Japan that would be cute, and makes lewd jokes. Also contributes to 0% of the plot, making her creation solely to piss you off.

Lastly, you have Dezel who’s just as much of a jerkass as Edna… but he dies…. so instead you have Zavied, a shirtless guy voiced by Guile in SF4. Zavied is just a black Zelos Wilder… without all the annoying qualities, and actually makes the game better by default.

Then you have Alisha, a hot white chick voiced by Chun Li from SF4. A princess who fights with a spear, is proactive, will do anything for the safety of her country, and doesn’t cry about shit! But then she leaves when you find out Sorey is allergic to real women… so instead you have to put up with The Mary Sue, Rose. A ninja chick whose only real quality is dat ass. She’s the leader of a merchant… that moonlights as an assasins guild. And somehow a bitch who threatens a kid is pure enough to be Sorey’s Squire…. oh fuck, I forgot to explain that.

*Deep Breath*

Sometime in the beginning of the game, Sorey becomes a “shepard”, a being that can make pacts with warrior Seraphs to kick sufficient amounts of ass, and save the world from the “Malevolence”, which is really just humanity’s own evil (this is game is about religion. Yep). Sorey can also “Armatize” (a fancy word for “fusion” because Japan LOVES fusions! Fusions are IMPOSSIBLE TO ESCAPE!) with the 4 aformentioned Seraphs (Mikleo, Edna, Lailah, Zaveid/Dezel). As a Shepard, Sorey can… “hire” a squire to assist him. Alisha was originally that Squire. But for some reason, Sorey kept losing his senses. Somehow, that was Alisha’s fault. Lets see, a Shepard had to be all pure and shit, and I guess that also applies to the squire. But there was absolutely NOTHING to imply that Alisha was impure. Infact, she was anything BUT impure. But w/e. Japan needed a “BS the player by taking away one of their party members” quota filled and Alisha was the first victim”.

The replacement would be Rose, a bitch so upseld, she’s pure enough to be a better squire than Alisha and even ARMATIZE as well, even though she 1.) Threatened a Child. 2.) Deceived Knights. 3.) Fucking murdered people (she is an assasin, afterall). 4.) Punched the Shepard himself. 5.) Talks about people behind their backs. And of course, she gave the world a pretext for war… so yeah, I’m gonna call bullshit and say Namco played favoritism with this character. Doesn’t help her personality is dismissive. It wouldn’t be enough to bullshit with her, but the game expects you to admire her as much as everyone else does. Even Mikleo, the guy who is overly critical about EVERYONE in the game… believes her dismissiveness is “awesome”. And everyone else follows suit in praising her for basically talking shit.

And the game…doesn’t….stop…. praising her. She might as well be the main character! It must be dat ass…

These days, JRPGs are dependent on good story because they have nothing else going for them, and Zestiria is FUCKED UP about both it’s narrative AND it’s characters. The Story gets repetitive after Alisha leaves, the characters themselves are irritating and/or dull, and shifting all the focus from how to make the world a better place, but to how the game can glorify Rose even further than she needs. The non-stop egotrain that is Rose destroys any semblance of “giving fucks” I might have had with the game, cause in the end, I wanted them all to die… which actually happens. No bullshit.

Anywho, I haven’t even gotten to the GAMEPLAY… which actually makes the experience WORSE. For those who played Xillia 2, awesome battle system, right? Fast paced, easy to understand, easy to play, and Chromatus made everything a joke. Yeah… take EVERYTHING AWAY… and completely fuck it all up. All of it. Fucked beyond. Beyond fucked, I don’t care.

The original battle system of every game starting with Symphonia was basically Smash Bros. meeting Street Fighter. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked. Battles were fought in 3D arenas with 2D fighting. Characters walked in straight lines toward their enemies and had regular melee attacks and special attacks mapped to a different button. Both moves are done Smash Bros. style so pressing in a direction while pressing special does something and yadda yadda. You could FULLY CUSTOMIZE your characters moves and what not. If this laptop didn’t suck ass so much, I could find pictures to illustrate this. Just go to youtube or some shit. ­čśŤ

With a battle system that WORKED JUST FINE, Namco buttfucks the money bed and decides to change it for absolutely no reason other than “because change is awesome”. Now the battle system is in Psuedo 3D and it is literally impossible to perform precise moves. Instead of 2D battles where the camera is situated horizontaly with your party on the left hand side and enemies on the right-hand, now you have stupid 3rd person wannabe shit going on now. Changing the camera perspective was the absolute dumbest move in Tales history. It feels awkward walking up and down when spent all this time walking left and right… like in a fighting game! Depth perception wasn’t an issue until here where I have to try even harder to judge the distance between me and my enemies. The amount of times I’ve missed attacks by even a few inches because I can’t see the space I should’ve cleared is a hassle. I felt like I had to use Semi-auto for once! Fucking hate Semi-auto.

It’s harder to perform normal attacks and special moves. Not because of the camera, but because the actual moves themselves changed. Back in the past, normals and specials were mutually exclusive. Normal attacks had their own combos and what not. In Zesty, however, Namco decided to migrate… fucking specials into normal attack combos. You know what that means!? If you want to use Sword Rain or some shit, you have to press Normal 4 fucking times and the 4th, you have to press into a direction for that specific move to come out. This is like those combo rings that Long and Shenlong had in Bloody Roar, but unfun. Because battle controls are kinda wonky, you end up whiffing your combos. So you may get to use Sword Rain, or you may not.

If moves like Sword Rain remained as purely special attacks, I wouldn’t care. But having to endure these migrated special Normal Combo Rings during a battle ends up being a real drag.

Then there’s the Armatis system. The aformentioned “fusion” system because Japan masterbates to fusions, Sorey and that irritating bitch can Armatize with the other 4 party members to gain new powers. Lailah will give you a fire sword, Mikleo gives you a Hydro Bow, Edna gives you Rock fists, and Dezel/Zaveid gives you… windy wings? Meh, the Armatis system was fun at first, but then it present a glaring problem. You would need at least 2 characters that weren’t Seraphs present… at all times. Meaning if you wanted to avoid using Rose or Sorey… tough titty. You have to put up with those 2 in every….single….battle. This mean Rose’s terrible AI will blow through your Seraphs fast. About that, if you die but have an extra Seraph in reserve, you could swap out 1 Seraph for the other, Armatize, and abuse this for the whole game… if ROSE doesn’t ruin everything. Good thing Seraphs can self heal, even after knockout.

So Armatize would be kewl… if… you know… enemies didn’t arbitrarily ramp up all kinds of resistences. You see, midway through this unnecessarily long fuck of a game, enemies start gaining random super armor, meaning that you attack them, they don’t get stunned, and you might get hurt in the process. Enemies such unbelievable resistences, particularly normal and they love to resist fire. Armatis gives you permant elemental attacks so if you fight an enemy with fire resistence, Lailah is useless. But what if you fight enemies with 2 resistences? Then you’re handicapped. Armatis is, unfortunately, the only way to do any real damage to enemies, particularly Lailah and Edna Armatizing, so if enemies have an assload of resistences (and shit, quite a few enemies have had up to 4 fucking resistences), that Armatis won’t do you a bit of good. And this also goes for that bullshit Combo Ring. You have to keep good memory of what each move does, elemental properties… oh who am I kidding, you might whiff into a move that has exactly what the enemies are resistant against, so you’re fucked either way.

Did I mention there’s a fucking STAMINA SYSTEM in this game!? Oh yes, Namco MASTERBATES to stamina systems! Thank Amma that Tekken and Soul Calibur don’t have that bullshit, but Namco makes sweet luv to de Stamina systems. Instead of an MP meter, your special attacks (and even your NORMAL attacks) run on Stamina. It depletes little by little everytime you attack, free run, etc. Here’s the thing. THe less Stamina you have, the more damage you do, which is basically 1 big fuck you, because then you’d attack lesser and less. This little quirk makes no sense overall and means if you want to do more damage (which is about as noticable as a good Sonic game these days) you’d have to mash away. Oh but that’s not even the worst part. You know that whole cooking thing the Tales series had? You know, that totally useless feature that you never used? Well, you better start using it ┬ábecause if you don’t feed your asshole team, their stamina starts getting lowered before a battle starts, so if they’re hungry, their stamina might be at fucking Zero. Dats right! You have to actually FEED the bastards! But wait… if I starved them, they do more damage. WORK FOR YOUR MEALS, ASSHOLES!

TLDR, fuck you battle system. You ruined everything. Even the pacing is slower than dirt.

Zestiria is a game that makes me run away from the franchise. The bullshit I assumed about the series before was epitomized in this game. I can’t believe I miss Jude Mathis. At least he kept his mouth shut.. most of the time. Actually, now that I think about it, the Xillia folks were probably the most down to Earth characters in the whole series. But here, it’s like the characters aren’t even… organic. They’re poorly written cardboards for the most part.

And even the gameplay was ruined. You’d think as stagnate as Japanese developers are, they would keep everything as it is with some minor gimmick (Armatus), but shit. I couldn’t even stomach finishing the damned game. Do not play… ever.

Getting away from Tales crap, I soon looked at my collection and had no idea I bought so many Namco games (since company logos are invisible to me until I first boot up the game). Digimon All Star Rumble, had no idea Namco was behind it… probably why that game sucks. J-Stars Victory Vs, no idea Namco was behind it, surprised it doesn’t suck. Dragonball XenoVerse, same story as J-Stars.

And before anyone asks, yeah, I bought J-Stars Victory Vs. And I love it. Come on, why would I pass up the opportunity to take YuYu Hakusho and mother fucking Ruroni Kenshin… and beat the literal shit out of those Naruto characters!!!!!!? ……….It’s RURONI KENSHIN!! Young asses don’t know SHIT about real cartoons! Was hoping Inuyasha was in this game so I could whoop his ass too. Faggot ass Samurai with Cat ears!? Come on…

All 3 of these games have the same glaring issue. Micromanagement. And like I said, Namco jacks off to micro management. Each of these 3 games present “systems” where you must manage a Stamina bar while fighting against hoardes of Astonishingly good AI. You need Stamina to Dash, to use specials, to power up, to guard against attacks, to escape combos, you name it. Each of these games require a Stamina meter. And I ask WHYYY!? Some would argue that it balances the game, and I say they’re idiots. You don’t balance the game by handicapping the players, you balance the game by making sure the characters aren’t too goddamn powerful. And looking at Namco’s track record, fighting game balance isn’t their strongest quality.

Players like to spam moves. If it’s useful, they will not hesistate to abuse the ability. The only safe bet is to not put in such powerful fucking moves in the first place. Stamina systems of any kind only serve to hinder a player from increasing his/her chances of winning a match. It’s literally ridiculous that a single company has produced more games with Stamina ass wankery than an RPG company would. And for Dragon Ball, it’s overkill. We already have the ever-present Ki meter, but we need a secondary meter for other basic functions such as GUARDING!? I can’t tell you how many times getting Guard Broken has ruined my chances of winning missions, cause guard breaks means your whole stamina meter is destroyed and you need to recharge it. During recharge, you can’t guard, dash, or anything useful. It’s like getting dizzied in a regular fighter, but more obnoxious. If Tekken started using a Stamina, I wouldn’t be surprised but I doubt the fanbase would ass kiss that shit.

It’s like Namco set out to bust my balls with every game they produce. Even though I enjoy J-Stars and XenoVerse, these Stamina Systems ruin everything.

*sigh* Got 2 weeks of internet and a shitty Icraig to write this on…

 

Hello all who… still give a damn about this blog. I am very much aware that it has been damn near centuries since I last posted. Again, I still have no computer or internet to do so. Evicted my lazy ass room mate. Aint gonna be sleeping on my damn couch watching no big tooth Steve Harvey who thinks he can offer good dating advice! Or those fake cunts on “The Real”. You ever just watch mainstream tv and think “Am I getting old or is tv becoming more obnoxious?”. These 2 shows along with Wendy “Man jaw” Williams just drives my patience through the walls!

Despite the lack of internet, I have to admit it’s actually quite… relaxing. You don’t have to deal with jackoffs just because you said a few unkind words about so and so video game they happen to think is a great achievement. I already got a few chumps up my ass about Monster Hunter I see. God damn ya’ll can type some essays! It’s this thing about having to defend every single word you write up about so and so context that gets tiring after a while that… not having to worry about it around normal people outside of digital land is not a bad trade off. Well… aside from this one guy who keeps taunting me over having a PS4. Hope you enjoy Mortal Kombat X tomorrow you lucky bastard!!! Ugh! So pissed off about the delay. Pushed back until JUNE!!!? So… many words about that.

Hell, I would have words about this “Handsome collection” that rightfully has fans outraged. I would have words about the new Star Fox being “Episodic”. I could even have words about Destiny being online only (good thing I didn’t buy back in December, eh? :P) But… I’m in a good mood. The R button on my 2DS magically un-fucked itself so yay! More Tit or Alive Dimensions on the go!

Instead, I’ll just have words on 2 games that I had been anticipating since their announcement.

GUILTY GEAR XRD

Lemme tell yah, it makes no damn sense for one game to be so hard to track down. Having to traverse halfway across the county to pick up one copy is absurd. It also makes no sense to have less copies of the game distributed than Blaz fuckin Blue! Oh but I know I’ll be mauled with messages of how successful Blazblue is compared to Guilty Gear in the long run.

Anywho, after my perilous journey to find a game, I popped this bitch in actually expecting the worse. Considering what nonsense went into BlazBlue and seeing the characters that were already in this game were the “unique” ones, I figured the devs wanted to emphasis the character’s gimmicks. Come to find out, I need to stop being paranoid. Xrd plays more or less… exactly the same as previous GG titles. Meaning you’re not really missing out on anything by not playing this game.

Funny thing I noticed on the back of the box is how it advertises “a bunch of new characters”…. and you only have 3 available while 2 others are DLC. That ain’t a whole lot considering how small this roster is compared to…I think…. Accent Core was the last one? Anywho, the new characters available, Ramla…. fuck, I can’t spell that shit… the new black chick, lets just say that, is literally a button masher with 2 big ass swords and a talking head. This… “bed man”, probably the most bizarre character in any fighting game, has lots of Blazblue styled gimmicks, and Sin, another mother fucker voiced by the Frog Power Ranger. This man stays finding work! And you know the best part? All 3 of them are over-powered as shit.

While the game’s roster is tiny, I can’t be too upset. At least most of my mains are still in the game. It’s not like Smash Bros. where most of them were removed or nerfed to all hell that I can’t even marginally function in the game. I don’t quite see how this game is that much slower, however, considering some complaints were levied at the speed. About the only thing that is slower is some characters moves. You know that shit where Sol jumps at the edge of the screen and then does some bad ass “fly at you from across the screen like a boss” move? Well, it has an extra animation where if it connects, Sol will squish the opponent into the ground while burning them. Shit like that would make the game feel slower, definitely, but there’s not a whole lot of that going on. The mini cutscenes that occur after doing super moves is tiring, though. Almost makes me NOT want to use Sol’s Falcon Punch or w/e. Aside from that, w/e reduced speed there is.. is trivial at best.

There isn’t much I can say about gameplay, really. If you’ve played Guilty Gear before, nothing has changed… which is cool. It’s the same old Guilty Gear we’ve all enjoyed, now with more titties.

Everything else, though…. is fucked. I’m talking content. Xrd has practically tarnished, in my eyes, the image of this series. I’ve always imagined Guilty Gear as this series that was reminiscent of the early/mid/late 90’s anime (or the johnny come late exports from Toonami and Adult Swim) when they were still good. With a visual style and flair similar to Outlaw Star or whatnot. It had that distinct feeling to it that you got a cartoon from Japan that, while kinda fucked up, was still moderately awesome. Xrd, on the other hand, jumps on the Naruto Bandwagon and completely FUCKS whatever coolness the series had. The artwork is horrible for the mere crime of making Ky Kiske look like a bitch. The one thing I noticed was that the characters seem more over proportioned than usual. I’m used to fighting games having characters on steroids, but GG tended to break away from the norm of standard fighting game males (a little too much, eh Bridget?). Here, ASW said hell wit it and wanted to compete with Street Fighter for protein addicted character designs. Or maybe it’s just Sol looking retarded. Hell, even Chipp looks retarded. Nay.. SOUNDS retarded. Japanese fighting games pick the worst dubs, but it feels awkward for Chipp to sound like mother fucking Goku while campaigning for presidency. If that sounds awful, it gets worse. Sol’s VA desperately wants to mimmick Steven Blum (and I can’t blame him), I swear ever since I played Xillia, Jude Mathis haunts me everywhere I go as he makes Ky sound like he has allergies. I’m indifferent to Venom, but overall……FUCK!

Bad VA’s have nothing on the characters themselves. Maybe it’s my fault for implanting my own perceptions of how these characters act and what their motives are…….but seriously… why the fuck is Chipp a politician?! That is the main thing that bothers me the most about this game. There’s a lot more fucked up concepts such as Axl Low being some time traveler, Johnny being a country bumpkin, or why people seem so focused on May being Japanese. To top it off, Justice looks like a deformed Freeza.┬áAbout the only “normal” character is Sol himself. What I don’t understand is why he’s baby sitting Ky’s kid. Infact… since when did Ky┬ábecome a king?!

I would have hoped Story Mode would’ve elaborated on those details and more. But instead, it piles on more stupidity. Sin (Ky’s brat) “interrogates” Ramlashitforbrains…. by giving her a cheese burger. Why? I don’y know. At first, I figured she’s a bad guy who wants to destroy the world, but instead she’s just some poor soul who has to be taught the value of emotions in order to feel human… even though she’s a robot(?).

This dumb shit that Japan injects into their games feels inappropriate at the worst of times. In Guilty Gear, it’s out of place. I’d imagine that Guilty Gear was about Sol’s war against Gears and Human/Gear conflict this side of X-Men. But here, there’s so much bullshit about alternate dimensions, “That Man” being a good guy somehow, talking elderly dragons who somehow have the answer to all problems, and some illuminati type of organization wanting to take over the world. I might as well be playing Aquapazza! The Story mode is much worse than what I described, obviously cause I know fuck all about whats going on in it nor do I care enough to recall that information. The only thing going through my mind was the amount of talking in tedious government committees lazying about with exposition and analysis of details. Japan loves talking about details, apparently as their games REEK with exposition. One shouldn’t have to force themselves to stay awake during any segment of a game. This shit just cures my insomnia.

Overall, I’d say it’s an ok game as long as you make up your own head canon and divorce the story mode from your memory. My Head Canon? Sol kills Sin, Venom and Rammy fuck, and Chipp kills Hilary Clinton and takes her spot as a presidential candidate. Bam!

RESIDENT EVIL REVELATIONS 2

Capcom surprised the shit out of me back when I first played Revelations 1. That is how Resident Evil was supposed to be! None of this scripted action bullshit with 5 or 6, filled to the brim with quick time events. Rev 1 was the definitive Resident Evil experience! I’ll take that shit to grave!

No really, I will. Because Revelations 2 disappoints.

I mean… there’s a lot to like about Rev 2. It’s definitely scarier than Rev 1 and certainly plays better. And the prospect of LOCAL FUCKING┬áCOOP┬áis always a plus… but it feels 20x more tedious than any Resident Evil game I’ve played thus far. For one, the partner system (and Coop overall) is a mess. In both 5 and 6, both characters in a given campaign have the same exact abilities as the other, with the only differences being whoever has a stick or a hole. Both characters could use guns, do finishers, etc etc. But in this game, Capcom decided to implement severe limitations to the characters abilities.

For example, one scenario has Claire Redfield and Moira Burton as playable characters. Claire can use fire arms and follow up attacks, but cannot open barred door or chests with special locks. Moira, on the other hand, is “afraid” of using guns, meaning she can’t use them… at all, and is stuck with a crowbar, meaning her combat potential is limited as fuck. But she can do all the other things Claire can’t. Forced Coop Emphasis… engaged! Follow-up attacks, btw, are only available when you have successfully stunned an enemy. But early on, only Moira has the ability to stun enemy, while Claire can do a follow up attack, and only Moira can do finishers. Finishers, btw, are moves you can use on enemies that are laid out on the ground. Knowing this , you can see how frustrating it is trying to get a groove together in kicking some ass. Sure, you’re not really supposed to be kicking ass, you’re supposed to run the fuck away from enemies. Don’t mind if I do! But if you’re gonna have combat abilities from the last 4 games, don’t hamper them in some vain attempt to emphasize cooperation. It’s silly that both Claire and Moira don’t have similar abilities in THAT instance. I could forgive the whole crowbar thing and unlocking chests because yeah, who cares… but follow up attacks and finishers being exclusive to certain characters is pushing it.

Oh, but that’s not even the worst part. See, at least Moira HAS some combat ability and is infact more useful than Claire in a throwdown. Another scenario has Barry Burton and some little girl called Natalia. Little Girl… IE… no combat ability… whatsoever. So for the most part… Barry can do follow up attacks and finishers all by himself. Natalia really can’t do shit. She is psychic and can detect where enemies are as well as enemy weakpoints, but it’s really goddamned tedious having to switch between 2 characters just to see enemy locations and weakspots, or put all the pressure on player 2 to do all recon shit while Player 1 has all the fun doing the shit mopping. Or not. Barry is a slave to Natalia’s information while Barry does all the dirty work. Otherwise, Natalia is a damned liability, and if it’s coop, equates to a most tedious gameplay experience. It’s not real coop as it just feels tacky and slow.

Then there’s the game’s length which is attributed to the fact that Capcom went into the trend of Episodic nonsense before releasing a full game. It’s 4 episodes long and while each episode is lengthy, I feel it has more to do with it’s incredibly slow pace and obvious padding rather than actually being long. There’s a lot of unnecessary back tracking to go through during the 4th episode and in particular, a LOT of goddamned puzzles! I should’ve known better than to expect a game with limited character abilities to not have this bullshit, but here they are. Not only is the coop and puzzles dumb, but even some areas in the game demand you spin your wheels until you get around an obstacle. Episode 4 again has a section with poison gas that you need to make sure you don’t stay under for too long or else you’ll pass out. Unfortunately, the game doesn’t really give you the option to stay out of it. Infact, the game even demands you walk SLOWLY in the shit unless you want to risk waking up 2 of the most powerful enemies in the whole game. Yes, Barry’s segment has lots of stealth segments (IE boredom incarnate) and you have to walk slowly… in poison gas. It’s obnoxious game design like this that makes me afraid of touching any game in the “adventure” category, but never expected to see that kind of shit in Resident Evil. It’s a wonder why this game is so tedious in the first place and makes the notion of a second playthrough laughable.

On the other hand, there’s Raid Mode. Since no one plays Resident Evil for survival Horror anymore, the Raid Mode in this game is actually pretty damn good. This time around, Player 2 isn’t some liability and can have fun blasting gooey zombie guts all over the world. And holy shit… you can actually UNLOCK things again! I would’ve sworn Capcom would’ve worked some of their asshole DLC schemes in here… but no… you’re allowed to work… for your unlockables! Tears of fucking Joy, I tell you! Raid Mode saved this game from hitting the Bomba┬ábin shelves at Gamestop. The requirements for unlocking characters and costumes is steep, but man, is it ever awesome!? Raid Mode isn’t that different from the last game aside from actual coop, character abilities, and… well, some element of tedium was worked in here as well. In Rev 1, you had the option of equipping parts to a gun to boost it’s stats or give it special abilities. Rev 2… that doesn’t change. What did was the option to remove parts without a catch. See now, once you’ve equipped a part, you can’t just take it off. It’s STUCK! If you want to remove the part, you either have to destroy the part (permanently erasing it for 1000 bucks) or destroy the gun to get the part back (permanently erasing the gun for… 4000 bucks). I have no idea why they implemented such an asshole change to weapon upgrades if not just to make the game more tedious than need be, especially since now you have elemental bullet upgrades from RE3 making a comeback, this new upgrade system is a bitch to deal with.

Story is also a mixed bag. In this game, both Claire and Moira were kidnapped and sent to an Island where they’ve been injected with a virus that changes them if they get too scared…… right. Barry just goes to the island to see if his baby Moira is alright while having to baby sit Natalia. I’ll say one thing. Rev 2 is fucking disturbing. Enemies are creepier than ever before, you’re constantly in dark areas, you’ve invisible assholes, and baby dolls cover the interior of a cave…..creepy. On the other hand, the villain’s actual plot is kinda stupid. Since the game is pretty recent, I suppose I won’t spoil anything…. but she wants to put her brain in a prepubescent body. Like I said… creeeeeepy.

Overall, if you don’t mind tedious ass games and want Resident Evil to be scary again, you can’t go wrong with Rev 2. And it’s cheap, too! $40 ain’t shit! Just keep in mind that Episode 4 sucks and Raid Mode rules.

And with that, I return to my hiatus and my grief over MKX’s delay. Ohhhhhhh…. it hurts so much…Fuck all ya’ll PS4 owners ­čśÉ

Flynn vs Pontac: Perfect comparison right there.┬áHonestly, I haven’t read any of the comics since 1999, and I know they’re still hip.

Continuing my nostalgia trip, I pulled out Sonic Gems as I reminisced about being really fucking pissed off that Knuckles Chaotix wasn’t included. What a WASTED opportunity! You know how long I’ve been waiting for a modern console port of this very game!? There aren’t any 32X emulators for Wii or PS3 (to my knowledge). Goddammit! Hell, what about SegaSonic Arcade!?

So, I only had one major reason to buy this game. 3 if you included Vectorman 1 & 2. The one and only Sonic fighting game!

NO! Not that bullshit!

Pff, ain’t no fighting game at all, it’s Power Stone if you had down syndrome.

Dats da one!

It’s the only game from Gems that I hadn’t played at the time, and was probably the only other reason people bought gems (aside from getting SCD). I call it “Sonic Championship” as the localized name┬áisn’t syntactically retarded. Another sign that SOJ cared just a wii bit too much about nippowning their IPs.

Many of Sega’s fighters at the time were all just clones of Virtua Fighter because they got the wacky idea that the game wasn’t shit. Some people compared THE FIGHTERS to another Sega game called Fighting Vipers. I recently had the chance to play that game as well seeing as everyone compared that to Bloody Roar, a series that just kicks ass, but I honestly can’t dig that game. It feels sluggish and not very fun, which was an issue for all of Sega’s fighters that took after Virtua Fighter. Sure it had more interesting characters and faster gameplay, but it feels like everyone is covered in molasses and tar. Even more so than Tekken. Seeing that THE FIGHTERS took after Vipers, I was impressed. It actually plays better in some regard. Either that or it’s just fucking hilarious.

 

Playing all of the characters, you get the slight impression that they’re all clones of each other, just with different animations for each of their attacks. Most of their unique special moves take a Ph’D in arthritis to learn. Not because they’re difficult commands, but because the controls aren’t exactly responsive. Trying to pull off even the most basic moves results in a lot of frustration. When it actually takes a few attempts to perform Knuckles’s Dragon Punch ( which is┬á) during a match, you know it’s fucked. The easiest “specials” for me to perform were actually the throws. Most of which involved taking the character’s weapon and using it against them. I must say, there’s a great level of satisfaction in taking Amy’s hammer and smashing the horny bastard into the pavement with it as your character shows off a sinister grin.

Oooooooooooh, lick MY ass, will yah!?

That said, it’s a really basic fighting game on it’s own, that will have you button mashing most of the time since every character has the same basic combos. Everyone even comes equipped with a spin dash attack, as well some pro wrestling moves like running up the stage walls, leaping off, and body slamming the opponents. Granted, there are 2 characters in the game that grate my nerves.

These 2 sons of bitches are the only real unique characters of the bunch. Why? They have projectile attacks. And this is a 3D fighter with no real sidestepping or decent jumping physics. You can get around Nack’s cork bullets by ducking at least and spin dashing to counter, but Bean is a real asshole. He just throws bombs around the arena to overwhelm and overpower his opponents. Imagine fighting a spammy ass Deathstroke user in Injustice, and you have Bean the Bastard. That’s how much of an asshole he is. Bark the Bear is the lesser of the “unique” characters in that he’s big, slow, and has short legs. Obviously, he does the most damage….. in a game where the attacks already hurt enough as it is.┬áNack, Bean, and Bark are overpowered as shit. Just sayin.

Anywho, the game has it’s own quirks that help it stand out from the other virtua fighter clones, such as that annoying ass “losing rings” sound effect every time you take damage. Honestly, every hit you take has the “cute shit” effect of you losing rings (a nice, subtle way of making it look like the characters are bleeding all over the place ala Mortal Kombat, no less. :P) and it’ll hurt your goddamn ears after a while. Trust me. The wacky and borderline cartoony animations for the amount of ass kicked gives this game a lot of energy and flare that was lacking in early 3D fighters, and the roster itself isn’t bad for a Sonic fighting game. It almost treats itself as though it were a Loony Toons game as many of the characters moves look like they were pulled out of the minds of Tex Avery and Chuck Jones. It’s this kind of humor that makes this game……. pretty fun on it’s own. When it comes to entertainment, comedy is a good insurance policy that your audience will have smiles on their faces.

…….Which is good, because it┬áplays like ass.┬áI mentioned before that attacks in this game hurt like hell. A single match would probably take less than a minute……often. The amount of health a player loses in the least amount of time is absolutely crazy. Even when you’re not dealing with swollen mother fuckers like Bark, regular joes like Tails could demolish opponents easily with a few well timed flurry of punches. The either the attacks in this game deal way too much damage, or the amount of health you have isn’t very high. This leads to incredibly short matches. This combined with some SNK styled AI makes the game feel like it’s based around luck.

You’ll see what I mean.

Oh, and dig the bottom corners of the screen. The barriers, just what are they? That’s your only means of blocking in the game…… and they’re limited. This is probably the first fighting game that foolishly punishes the player for… playing defensively, and this kind of madness started ramping up in fighting games of the last generation (easier guard breaks, guard crushes, etc.). You see, you have only 5 barriers that are weak. Once they’re all gone, you’re completely defenseless. I thought I’d never see the day when a fighter would feature micromanagement of your basic blocking functions. It’s even worse when you find out that the game allows you to enter a special “EX” mode where you spend 2 barriers just to attack wildly nonstop. Oh, and if you’re blocking and the opponent grabs you? You lose that barrier as well.

My small ass frame, and they give me nothing but PAPER to defend myself with!? Do you see how BIG his fucking hands are, man!?

All this means that the game expects you to be on the offensive, which wouldn’t be an issue if the controls weren’t drunk. It almost feels like playing Brawl. The creators thinking “the game is for FUN!” and removes all semblance of strategy and skill in order to emphasize the “FUN”. The difference between this and brawl is that, yeah, it actually IS fun in spite of all these facts. In the end,┬áthat’s all that really matters. Or it should. The problem is the game has no real longevity. Because of it’s wonky mechanics, it becomes┬áless fun over time. Almost quickly.

Especially when you take it up the ass on occasion.

Unlike most other genres, fighting games NEED decent gameplay just to be sustainable and fun, and as much as I want to be biased, Sonic Championship doesn’t cut it. Sure, it’s better than any other Sega fighter they’ve made, but it’s still just as iffy. Bottom line, Sega makes crappy fighting games, and THE FIGHTERS is another, unfortunate example.

It serves the purpose of maybe passing the time and getting a few laughs out of it, but overall couldn’t take attention away from even the worst of fighters.

 

And for the most part, there’s only one game that I’m looking forward to, and you can all guess what it is.

Of course, for everyone else, E3 is yet again ass. For no specific reasons, but if I had to hazard a guess, most games coming out look no different than last generations.

More shooters? Check

More Grim Adventure games trying to be like Ass Creed? Check

More Nintendo Stupidity? Check

I’ve noticed far more dissappointment this E3 than ever before. As for me, I’ve actually been a little more than anticipating something.

Obviously, Mortal Kombat X is on my list of shit to buy next year. As a person who isn’t a “real” MK fan, the irony is overwhelming. While there’s 2 shitty new characters and no hope for Sub Zero not to suck, the prospects of a much smoother sequel is promising. I’m one of the few people looking forward to this variant shit. I’m sure something like that would turn people off though as you’d have to learn how to counter 3 different versions of the same character, so it’s bound to make more disorientating match ups. But in a way, it’s kinda cool.

I am PISSED at the prospects of micromanagement, though. The run feature should’ve never returned, and for a guy who talks about wanting to move on from the past, he sure is willing to bring it back when no one wants it. Not to mention all the arbitrary restrictions on what you can do. Using up meter to backdash is retarded. I don’t mind the interactables being limited, but backdashing shouldn’t at all be used by meter. It’s a basic evasive function that serves no other purpose than to quickly get away from your opponent, there’s nothing game breaking about it that would mandate such a bullshit change. The fact that the game has a Stamina system pisses me off to the ultimate pisstivity. Who thought that was a good idea? More and more, I’m starting to see how amateurish Netherrealm Studios are with their games. Injustice was bad enough.

It’s odd how the dumbest looking Nintendo game is one of the few that actually looks… promising? I don’t even know what the hell you’re supposed to do in this game, it looks like you’re trying to cover the field in as much of your team’s Nickolodean slime before time runs out. It;s like Reversi Battle in Bomberman Generations, or you just shoot each other’s brains out. W/e the case is, it looks… uh, kinda fun? I’d honestly rather have another Custom Robo game, but w/e. Anything is better than another Pikmin.

Probably the best step for the Zelda series for no other reason than to get away from the puzzle monstrosities of Aonuma’s cartoon faggotry. We have quite a few Zelda characters going into can of whoop ass mode, destroying legions of Skyward Sword enemies as if by some apologetic notion of awarding Zelda fans the chance to take out their frustration on Aonuma’s horrid direction of the series. And dammit, I like me some Koei Warrior shit. Not to mention we finally get another Zelda villain with bewbs and a raging hard on for Link. Er… scratch that.

I’m actually glad Midna got into this game, but is also pissed that she isn’t in her belly dancer form. And who the hell is that white-haired chick in the back of the poster!? And I’m still pissed that Impa is bleached. And GANON is back! Woot!

I’m pretty sure that once the main campaign is over, however, that the game will start to devolve into endless grinds for more characters, stages, weapons and animals. It’s something of a curse for Koei’s games as of late as everything turns into a mindless grind fest for more shit. And hell, Zelda games have had a bad habit of grinding themselves, Koei’s bullshit fits right in. And this will be a pointless hope, but Koei really should cut back on the Puke Rock music. DW8’s soundtrack is bland as shit. Course, Zelda also has trash music after Link’s Awakening.

I didn’t start playing Guilty Gear until I found a copy on Wii, but damn, that was some good shit. Since this is just an update of every other GG they’ve made, it’s the only one I’ve bothered playing. Seeing as Xrd will be cutting characters (*sniff*… Jam) aside from the “unique” fucks (since Japan is all about unique playstyles now), I’m on high alert. Luckily, most of the people I use anyway are still in (Millia, Chipp, Venom). And dat theme song, mmmmmmmmm MMMM! Bring this shit the fuck on, mang!

More fighting games, yeah. Take note that I’ve also… only recently played Persona Arena. I don’t have much thoughts on this. I just want more characters cause this piddly ass roster wasn’t cutting it. I mean damn, it was so small, man! It might as well have been SF2. Not to mention 2 of them being clones. Call me spoiled, but so many fighters this generation had more than 10 characters tops, I was expecting something bigger. Ah well, the first fighters of any series usually is small in roster, even Blazblue’s shitty roster started at 10.

I probably shouldn’t concern myself with the latter 2 games as I don’;t plan on buying Nintendo’s crap console in the future, so all I really have to look forward to is Mortal Kombat X, and that could go either way. Scalebound is definitely a no buy considering it’s exclusive to Microshit.

There was some shit about Ratchet and Clank 1 getting a PS4 remake that cures my insomnia, but I’m seeing that movie. Kirby’s Rainbow Curse is fucking clay (it rhymes, so it fits), Star Fox will be ruined further, Nintendo has a “Captain Toad” game that terrifies me, XSEED is publishing games with titties, Capcom as always has nothing to be excited about (except a piddly reskinned Cammy with some Marvel Super Hero mask, I guess), Namco keeps making licensed anime games, EA keeps making sports games, and everything else is crap. Obviously Sonic Boom was going to be ass.

So with that, E3 is over in a flash. Mass dissappointment for anyone not a Nintard. The only question I ask is…. why the graceful hell is Sega making another Aliens game!?

Aside from these 5 titles, E3 showed nothing of promise to me. It just seems to be a display of safe sequels and Nintendo’s stupidity. Not

By the balls of Ra, this argument returns!

As a designer, your job isn’t to be a control freak and force things on the player. It’s to create something that allows the player to have fun. House rules are not a bad thing.

Remember the days of Smash Bros. Melee when the competitive scene started to discover the “wonders of wave dashing”? Of course you do, everyone played Smash Bros. at least once in their life to get to know the asshole competitive scene running amok on Smash Boards. Everyone who has dealt with them has come to this particular mindset of “PLAY THE GAME THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE PLAYED!”. I’m assuming most are aware of the “completely unnecessary rules” set by smash players when concerning their tournaments in which items are completely banned as well as certain stages. At most, you would only find people playing on Final Destination. ┬áThe attitude against the competitive scene was overwhelmingly negative, you could find so many youtube videos and rant blogs decrying their ways. Their motto was “learn how to deal with situations in a game”. Of course, this kind of mentality was echoed by Nintendo and Sakurai themselves, and thus we get….

POISON! This game with drastically altered physics made players more dependent on items than ever before, and the game was still an unbalanced turd.

But aside from the that, It’s always been in gamer’s nature to level the playing field to his or her own distinct advantages. People don’t want to feel powerless, so they tend to destroy that which reduces their power. If given the option to do so, damn sure they will use it.

As the designer, the question you should ask is why would you give a damn? Your job is to deliver customer satisfaction regardless, not be a dictator of how a game should be played. Let w/e competitive scene exists deal with balancing issues. I tire of the new fad of game developers wanting to co-opt the pathetic competitive scenes of their respective fighters, as if they wish to be seen as some sort of expert on peerless fighting game design. I blame this on Capcom as they’ve become the mascots of EVO where the Eventhoes ride them like rodeo shows. Why a developer would care about a “competitive scene” is mind boggling. The goal should be to attract as many people to your game, not cater exclusively to the TF’s.

The fool who wrote this advocates dictatorial game design on the grounds that it won’t divide the player base. In a bitter taste of irony, he is siding with those that would be deemed “scrubs” by Smash players for advocating the removal of the option to turn off items. As if player preference was ever evil!

Items are an integral part of balancing Smash Bros characters, kind of a global move-set that homogenizes the characters. Take items out and you end up with the current Smash Bros competitive scene, which is playable with only 8 of the 26 characters on 5 of the 29 stages.

Anyone who’s played Melee knows this is bullshit. Even with items set on, a good Shiek would still decimate a good Bowser. Speed plays a much bigger role in advantages than items, and the slower characters tend to get shafted (sans Ganon). Items really do nothing more than add randomization to matches, which can be upsetting to people who were playing well vs those getting the taste smacked out of them. They don’t balance out characters. At all. What they really do is screw up the players themselves. I don’t know about Team Fortress or Beer Pong.

But if I had it my way, I would turn off that fucking Ultra Combo shit in SF4. If I’m doing the ass kicking, the guy’s who’s ass is getting kicked should NOT be fucking rewarded! But that would be evil because it would fragment the player base. I don’t give a fuck about the other player’s, I know that shit would piss me off and I want it the fuck removed!

You know what other options we could remove? Customizing Controls! Yeah! Lets play shit like Castlevania Mirror of Fate on the Bread Slice and get stuck using the thumb tac of a flat analog for all movement while the D-Pad is used for inventory access… and have the audacity to have a DOUBLE TAP MOTION on the thumb tac… to RUN! Thumb tac feels like shit to control in 2D (as do all analogs) and they want me to use that to do what!? Double tap.. to run! And I can’t change that!

Fuck you, Heru! It’s the way the game was meant to be played!

For reference, David Sirlin is cited. For those who don’t know, he’s a competitive Street Fighter player/colossal douche bag who wrote a pretentious book called “Playing to Win” that thinks the reader is a borderline retarded shithead who doesn’t know what a “throw” is, and practically made the “scrub” term infamous. Nevermind that David Sirlin isn’t even a good game designer to begin with (who’s resume only contains tinkering with SF2HD and Super Puzzle Fighter, several game ports and possibly Sonic Rivals) making it a bit of an oxymoron to apply his theories to the concept of video game options being “evil”. Essentially, the “scrub mentality of grafting rules into a game for their own benefit” IE “stop using fireballs, you cheap spammer”, that kind of shit. But, if a game allows you to generate your own rules for specific match ups (no items or w/e), there is no scrub mentality going on. The game designer is allowing the player to call the shots. IE, there is no mental grafting of rules going on, the rules are allowed to be generated. As such, Sirlin’s definition doesn’t apply.

The idea that because items and “seeking arrows” were included, they are integral to the game overall. If the game can be played without those specific features, it shows how versatile the game is overall. Items, specific powers, or w/e are simply there to provide extra advantages. You don’t need sub weapons in Castlevania, but they give you a bigger advantage than without. You don’t need to use Robot Master Weapons in Mega Man, but damn sure you’d have an easier (and shorter) time fighting bosses and enemies. What does a seeking arrow do? Gives the player a slight advantage in killing his/her opponents. That doesn’t make it an integral element to the game, it just gives you advantages. Just like items in Smash Bros. Items only give you slight advantages. As such, they really aren’t integral to the game overall if you have the ability to still defeat your opponent.

This isn’t me advocating the removal of advantages in games overall (who the fuck wants that!?), this is simply an explanation of how game options are no more harmful than justifying game features. No game feature is needed in a game. Then again, video games aren’t needed for entertainment purposes as there are probably better venues of entertainment now than they were back then. All games and their features are something to be DESIRED by players. If you needed seeking arrows to kill opponents period, the game is automatically bad for including the option, because then there would be no point to it. If items were needed to score kills in Smash Bros. then the option itself is worthless and a complete oversight. If items are infact needed to balance out Smash Bros., it’s more than enough to declare that game shit. It’s like the mid counter holds in DOA5U being different for punches and kicks, it’s a lousy crutch to be lazy in balancing or diversifying the characters.

Lets put it this way. I played the FUCK out of Shinobi on 3DS… but I didn’t use any of the specific powers they give you. Earth, Fire, Water, Lighting, w/e. Hell, I think you can turn them off via cheats that I haven’t unlocked yet. ­čśŤ Does that make the power ups integral to the game? No. I can beat the game without them. This isn’t to say I want them removed, mind you. But if Shinobi were to have some sort of battle mode and the option to turn those powers off? Would the game’s scene be damaged in anyway, I wouldn’t know. I’d bet the Earth/Thunder Power would be abused. But I doubt people would up and not continue to play the game. A competitive scene is only as good as the game itself. Options that turn on/off specific advantages make no difference. And that’s all players are really pissed off over. Whether or not they should have the option to shut off advantages if they wanted. If you can win without advantages, then there’s no harm in turning them off. You don’t need them. If you suck ass and rely on advantages to get you through the game, then yes you’re going to hate Towerfall or w/e.

When designing a multiplayer game be aware that by providing game options, through nothing more than human nature, you are giving your players the tools they need to avoid playing with one another. You are actively working against the virality and social effects you are counting on to cultivate and grow a multiplayer scene. This is the danger of game options.

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

Game options didn’t stop people from running to Super Smash Bros. Brawl. And considering how much Team Fortress crap I see over the internet, I’m willing to bet options didn’t harm that game either. There’s nothing stopping a multiplayer scene from growing except having a shitty or boring game, period. Virtua Fighter has no scene, but also has very few game options, if that means anything. If anything, punishing people for wanting to take out items did more harm to Smash Bros. than anything else. It’s so odd how no one even cares about Smash 4 after Brawl shat the money bed.

If there was anything that was harmful to a multiplayer scene, it would be hardcore competitive gamers who think they are the bastions of good game design “theory” while at the same time causing other players to run away from their narcissism. Competitive types don’t think about growing any scene but to merely “weed out” players that don’t fit into their paradigm. The problem, of course, is that much more recently, game designers (especially Namco) are catering to their whims. Thinking only of the competitive scene made the majority of SNK fighters shit for anyone that isn’t Brazilian. Thinking of the competitive scene nearly killed Tekken, even. It damn sure killed Soul Calibur.

It’s kinda sad how there’s only one detractor in that entire comments section, and everyone is up his┬áass instead. What’s this bullshit about Ubisoft having “women’s trouble”?

Man, I am so fucking stoked for Mortal Kombat X, you don’t know! It’s got smoother gameplay, it’s got these variants that look tight (hopefully Sub-Zero has one where he doesn’t suck for once), it’s got Kotal Khan lookin like Star Platinum from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure mang, and the run… button? From MK3?

Those moments of interacting with the environment are limited by a small stamina meter below each fighter’s health bar, which has been designed to limit overuse of those moves.

What!?

the stamina meter is a new addition to Mortal Kombat X that does a few specific things. As I mentioned earlier, it restricts how frequently you can use background objects. The meter is divided into two sections, and using an object drains one of the sections.

No!

Back dashing also drains one of the sections.

Please!

Running forward–another new mechanic–drains the stamina meter, but at a slow rate.

Why are you doing this!?

the team is experimenting with letting players use stamina to perform throw canceling.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! OH THE INHUMANITY!

Micromanagement!? In Mortal Kombat!? Fuck that shit son! Boon! Don’t fuck it up! I was starting to like this series! I feel like Leo Dicaprio in the Wolf of Wallstreet when he screamed “GODDAMMIT!!!” Is Boon catering to Eventhubs or SRK? I don’t even know anymore, it just seems like anytime a developer thinks about competitive balance, it’s mostly to appease the “maniac players”. Anything put into a game to “reduce abuse” is mostly dictating how the players play. And amazingly enough, despite how stupid the FGC can be, they HATE being hindered in how they get to play a game. Amazingly enough, that stopped the Smash community from bowing to the whims of Nintendo when they pulled that shit with Brawl, changing all the mechanics to keep the “maniacs” from enjoying it, killing the enjoyment for everyone in the long run. All Boon had to do was make interactables blockable (which they did anyway!). Now the team is making them absolutely pointless in the long run. Not that I care about interactables as they were just “lol” type shit anyway, but back dashing!? There’s fucking meter burning from back dashing!? You’re fucking serious!?

It’s a curse, isn’t it!? Every time I like something, the sequel is bound to blow chunks!

In the words of a Zafford: “Piss in me eyes!!” You know what’s sad though, I’d still buy the damn shit.

Oh right, this was supposed to be about that pasty tea bag from Sega.

*Sigh*… it speaks for itself, I might as well not even comment. Fortunately, someone else had a sip of “REAL TALK” coffee.

Yeaaaaaaaaah, FUCK BOOM! Oh 1:50 cameo!

How awesome was that!? It’s like these guys come in with their zany ideas, and when people start to reject them after quote “years and hours of politics and ego”, they start going on the defensive, rationalizing everything from the designs to mechanics. Instead of learning how to actually sell people on a game, they tell people to play the waiting game instead.

It’s really funny when people go out of their way to shun all criticism as some form of “negativity”. That’s beautiful. To be labeled a negative nancy is a compliment than to be labeled some self-righteous jackass who goes around telling people to swallow any kind of shit when people pop off at the mouth about how much┬áwork┬áwas put into something. If the world honestly gave a damn about how much work one puts into something, I’d probably be writing hollywood movies right about now. People care only about their own self interests. If your “hard work” benefits them in some tangible way,┬áthen they will care.

BRB’s problem is that they’re so caught up in trying to be “different” rather than beneficial. You can’t get anymore pretentious than that. But their trailer for the game spoke volumes within the first few seconds of announcing that Robotnik wasn’t the true villain! Robotnik hasn’t been the main villain since 98. The real antagonist of Sonic Colors was the script. I ask what the point was in needing to point out Robotnik being sidelined in favor of tree snake. Not to inform the public that Robotnik isn’t the real villain (it’s no surprise to anyone), but to make it known that it is “different”.

This desire to be different is a curse among western developers, it seems. At this point, western developers have been dominating game development, and it seems to be going to their heads. Now we have DmC’s and LOS’s running about with all these “different visions” that aren’t at all in line with the fan’s tastes, but are all desires to be different. Why does it exist? Most would say because these franchises are given to people who don’t really give a fuck about said franchise. And this almost always seems to be the case in the showbiz. Like Transformers being given to a guy who openly despises Transformers (I wonder how that douche feels about TMNT *shudders*)

Seems to be in European nature to make everything “in their own image“. In an unfortunate twist as Japanese games are falling out of favor on a global scale, they have the perfect justification. I curse my naivety in hoping a western developer could turn this franchise around, but I grossly underestimated the arrogance of the western industry on a whole. With the possible exception of Retro Studios (The real one, not that Bungee hybrid shit from 2004 and up), I can’t think of one westernized series that has kept the spirit of the series they worked on.

Then again, the western industries are destroying their own series (Iron Man was turned into a high school kid, teen titans is a full-blown comedy series), I guess western entertainment is self-destructive. It shouldn’t be destructive to Sonic as it’s western influences contributed greatly to it’s fame, and created legions of copy cats along the way. This is, instead, an exxageration of “western influence” due to one franchise that has nothing to do with anthro animals (Uncharted).

Still, I can’t help but feel it’s more the fault of trying to create a toy franchise. Merchandise driving begets mediocrity. Look at that Pac Man show. Now he’s a highschool student with a tapeworm! I thought Japan was obsessed with youth. And I swear, that show had a talking carrot with athletic gear on. It seems like all of Japan’s sectors are going ful frontal merchandise. Nintendo with their AB cards and figurines, Namco with their stupid Pac Man and card battle Soul Calibur, and Sega with their cashing in on Hatsune Miku and animu fighters.

The question is why can’t merchandise driven crap have the quality of Transformers, GI Joe and the like? The economy? Decent writers can’t possibly be expensive (then again, there IS a union :P). W/e the case may be, the low quality of the game will have consistency with the low quality of the show, and nothing BRB does will change that even if they were talented. What really concerns me is why Sonic fans are so easily convinced by this company that anything they say and do is fact? Do they know anything about the nature of entertainment? Or is their circle of entertainment so limited to children’s media that they openly accept even the worst offenders (Like MLP) and question absolutely nothing about why Sonic takes turns into what they do? Perhaps that is why Sega keeps making childish games, their only audience is so goddamned infantile, they’re easily fooled that something present at E3 is merely an alpha demo 5 months from a release date.

Happy Father’s Day, bitches. Please don’t fuck up MKX, Boon.

 

So I had this dream last night after watching the squick fested trailer, it was about Scorpion getting fatalitied via in some hospital bed where he’s pregnant. Yeah, he gives birth to a demon baby, Nightmare on Elm Street Style, and then the little fucker crawls over him, blood all over the sheets, and it starts mauling his neck. Yep, I am one fucked up person.

Anywho, loads of new videos that I’m too lazy to post (except this)

because yeah, you all needed to see that overrated (OOPS) fucker get ripped to shreds. Yeah, FUCK SCORPION!

Cassie Cage needs more work on her model and animations, and Kotal Khan is goddamned awesome.

What’s really interesting though is that Kotal Khan has a similar animation to Shao Khan (throwing a javelin at his opponents). That combined with the name definitely confirms a relation to the Emperor of Outworld. Ferratorr is still shit, D’vorah’s X-Ray is painful to look at, and the journalists at E3 sound like irritating college kids when they talk about this game. I really want to know why everyone is in love with Ferratorr, though. I don’t see the appeal.

Kinda funny how no one wants to do Scorpion’s fatality in any of these vids. ­čśŤ This game is looking much better as the vids keep pouring in, but it would be much better if there wasn’t any jackass commentary. I’m also hoping one of Sub-Zero’s “variants” (isms) makes it so he can put up a fight without relying too much on his turtle freeze powers. Scorpion keeps getting all these slick ass moves and Subby is still stuck charging up his ice traps and stupid snowballs. As long as Boon’s favorite fuck buddy has that goddamn fast ass teleport, Subby ain’t standin no chance.

What I hope doesn’t┬áhappen is that the variants would become the expies for certain characters. I see Cassie has some of Sektor’s moves (missiles raining down on the opponent, that kind of shit) and it seems D’vorah has one of Kitana’s moves (fan levitation).

But man, did this game just show how clinically insane the hardcore are. People are running around spittin how it was a bad move to make the game “cross generation” because the graphics are not up to their insane standards, saying that being on PS3 and 360 was just “holding it back”. I mean goddamn, you’d really want to deny mother fuckers that don’t have a BS4 or an Xbone the opportunity to play this game because of it’s goddamn graphics!? How much better does it need to look!? It’s absolutely incredible just how obnoxious the internet gaming communities can be over graphics alone.

*sigh* 2015 is gonna be a long wait. How odd, I never imagined myself being excited over any game at E3 after 2006. And of all things, it’s for Mortal fucking Kombat.

Also, this might be my final post before I move so don’t be surprised if nothing else is posted in about 3-5 months, not that anyone gives a damn, but yah know. On the bright side, you won’t have to hear me piss and moan about Sonic Doom anymore. ­čśŤ

You know, if I didn’t see Temple of Doom when I was child, I wouldn’t be nauseous looking at Scorpion’s Fatality. Fuck Scorpion.

I’m getting loads of Injustice vibes which, to me, isn’t a good thing. Injustice played like shit in a lot of ways, and 2 of the new characters revealed also look as though they came out Injustice. I mean, Ferrator’s animations are so “Bane”, dude.

I’m also concerned about a later announcement of Cassie Cage, Johnny and Sonya’s daughter. I don’t care that it’s another “new generation” of fighters thing, but man if that don’t confirm that some characters are getting dropped. I WANT MY JAX MANG! KUNG LAO! RASTAFARIAN CYRAX! ┬áIf them fighters ain’t in, I’m gonna be pissed. And I hope no one uses the “story” of 9 to justify character exclusions considering Sub-Zero is still there.

Still, the game looks nice, if not a tad more excessive in the fatality department. There also seems to be some “isms/grooves” in this game where player’s fighting styles are altered depending on 1 of 3 different skill sets you choose. Something I welcome as long as the changes aren’t minimal like Crapcom’s isms.

What I really find funny is that everyone thought the first trailer was actual gameplay and is now pissed at actual footage. A blind dog could tell you that was CGI.

You know what’s even funnier? I start talking about Pac Man and all of a sudden, he’s popping up in fucking Smash Bros. Yeah yeah, I know, Namco, the people who messed up Star Fox…

EDIT: : Here’s another vid.

 

Devil Jin is in DOA5U

Except with beeeeeeeeeewbs.

About time they added a REAL new character. ­čśŤ