Archive for July, 2013

I loves me some Soul Calibur. Really, I do. Unless you count that piece of shit Wii offering.

Fuck you Namco. Could’ve just ported SC3 for all we cared.

I bought SC4 recently, and despite it’s flashy loveliness and Sophitia totally asking for it, I should’ve taken notice of all the complaints surrounding the game. But alas, I wanted a new Soul Calibur game, dammit! So imagine my dismay when I popped this bitch in, pick up Raphael despite all irony of choices, and discovered that Project Soul completely fucked him up. And I’m not just saying that. They fucked him up so badly, you would mistake him for a joke character.

The…. chronic!

I mean he’s so damn slow in comparison to what I used back in SC2! Not to mention his best moves are now more awkward to use than before. You have to go into preparation mode just to use his 3 quick slashes (which used to be Forward+B,B,B). What balls PS has in destroying this character just to “balance the game”. But the even BIGGER crime!? They fucked up Talim too! They even removed moves that were pointless or flashy and replaced them with pure shit. Not to mention her stupid cat outfit is a fucking disgrace. And is it just me or did they make her into a total wuss? Her dialogue is softer and wimpier than in SC2. Yes, even in that game, she sounded hardcore compared to whatever the hell kind of rag she’s on in this game. She even taunts the opponent. “Payback!” “You want more!?”.


In this game, she’s the equivalent to that bitch Cream the Rabbit from Sonic Advance 2!

And to top it all off, the game just felt empty and barren. The amount of stages in the game seems tiny, there’s no weapon master mode and is instead replaced with a blood boiling Tower of Lost Souls, you can’t even customize the main characters beyond their outfits and weapons (I don’t recall Raphael being a steroid freak like the rest of the cast. Would want to change that for consistency but naw). And then you have these weird ass animu shit stain characters like Angol Fear who makes me fear for the baby she breast feeds. Star Wars is out of place, Algol is a chump compared to even Inferno, DLC music is a retarded idea, and who the fuck is Tira and why does she remind me of Harely Quinn from Batman?

Overall, it feels like a very disappointing game. Especially with Talim being ass deep in nerfage. But to pour salt on an open wound, the bitch ain’t even in SC5!!! Infact, most of my characters aren’t even in the game! Kilik, Taki, Talim, Sophitia, Zasalamel, and hearing Raph got nerfed up the arse again, you might as well count him too! I don’t care how fabulous he looks with his Gun Grave cosplay. And just how the hell is Cervantes human again? Maybe that will be explained in the story.

Oh wait. From what I hear, there is none for anyone except Sophitia and Cassandra’s expies, Patrick (can’t spell his real name for the life of me) and Pyrra. Apparently, the excuse being used by fans (and maybe the devs) is that the game takes place 17 years after 4, so the characters would be too old to fit into the future. Plus, Japan has some stupid law that forbids developers from putting females in fighters if they are above the age of 27 (Power Instinct being the exception, I guess). But, they could’ve just put the characters in with no aging and have them as bonus characters with no story. Hell, NO ONE has a story in this game so there should be no excuse.

That’s one of the main reasons I feel repulsed by SC5. Yes it looks gorgous, but because I’ve been FUCKED out of my own character choices, all I got is Mitsurugi and expies.I have no incentive to buy it beyond another character creator. But most of all, everyone is simply saying the game is great due to gameplay reasons alone. And better online support. There goes my enthusiasm!

I’m sorry, did anyone buy Soul Calibur for it’s busted ass fighting system that justifies all complaints about “button mashing” (LOL GUARD IMPACT YOU SCRUB!)!? Oh wait, that’s not a choice either because you need a fucking METER to do it!? It’s the worthless Alpha Counters from SFA3 all over again! Sorry, people bought Soul Calibur because a blond elf with the greatest set of lungs since Liu Kang was featured as a guest character. Assasins Creed is overrated. But guest characters sold Soul Calibur. It was obscure and completely irrelevant to everyone’s lives. Almost everyone’s first memory of the series started at 2. That was the kind of content that drew people into Soul Calibur. As a fighting game series, despite how good it’s content is, it’s not a popular draw for any enthusiast of fighting games. Fighting games set in ancient times have never been popular until now.

The majority of popular fighters exist in the modern times, drawing inspiration from modern/80s/90s martial arts flicks, along with having modern music with the likes of techno, rock, and even rap music. Weapon based fighters were never a big hit until a Zelda character was featured as a guest. Weapon based fighters just have no flow. They don’t feel natural, and neither does Soul Calibur. Sure, it has weapon demonstrations, and robust story about several historical piece fighters looking for a weapon to fix their situations until realizing the sword is evil and will do more harm than good, and the quest modes are always filled with more enticing side stories than any other quest mode in a fighter. It’s like what an RPG would be like if they were any good. But as a fighting game itself, the fights always look silly and contrived. Just like Tekken, it looks stupid from afar, just some random people swing around sometimes oversized weapons and knocking the characters around the stage like something out of a cartoon. But hey, it’s stupid fun. Can be frustrating, but stupid fun none the less. I could give no fucks about how improved the fighting system is because that is honestly not the reason I play these games. It’s that sense of being in a universe filled with interesting characters and that feeling of being on some grand adventure, fighting and defeating wicked warriors and demonic entities. Soul Calibur is just different from other fighting games. Hearing about what others deemed the “capcoming” of this game completely ruins whatever enthusiasm I might’ve had with SC5. I despise capcom fighters because of that micro-management bullshit and lack of interesting characters outside of Dark Stalkers. That and most of my peeps are removed or nerfed for the worst! Oh sure, lets take out an interesting character like Zasalamel or even Necrid, and Amy even, but we keep that crazy bitch Tira and miss boring honor bound Hilde. For what!? I have no idea. The little story that is present in SC5 is all about Sophitia’s stupid offspring fighting some random war against possessed people. There’s no sense of adventure or a quest, it’s just some “fight the battle within” or “are you willing to kill for justice” morality bullshit that I can find in Metal Gear Rising. (and don’t get me wrong, this game is the bomb!)

Then again, SC5 doesn’t seem to be for any fan of Soul Calibur. It feels more like some anime cock-fight than Soul Calibur. I usually play this series to get away from the anime-cock fighting. Well, this and currently MK9 which, despite my incredible skepticism, rips all kinds of ass. But look at SC5’s newest additions and you’ll find more manga influences than anything else. Most of all ZWEI who essentially has a stand from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure where he calls upon some spirit wolf for certain attacks. And.. just look at his design!

This is a damn anime character!

Must be a fan of SNK’s “loner asshole” series of characters ranging from Iori Yagami to Genjuro from Samurai Shodown, Gato from Garou, K-Dash, etc.

The series is getting too anime for my own good! Look at some of the critical finishes these characters have. It’s the most Japanese shit you could see.

Poor Maxi is so completely animu now.

Rising Dragon of the Zodiac!? What the fu… this is NOT Maxi! Listen to his fucking voice! But that’s nothing compared to this bullshit.

Too…. much…. anime… influence…

I mean, honestly, after going through the emptiness of 4, and hearing 5 is a rushed product that’s even MORE empty than 4, who’s only redeeming factor is “improved gameplay” that rewards button mashers more than ever before (what improvement is that!?), I feel completely discouraged from wanting the game. The most i’d want are those awesome looking levels, but who plays fighting games for a bunch of levels you have no real interaction with!?

Oh well. I guess like with 3, this will be one I skip. This time, however, it will be purposeful.

RIP, real Talim.


Duuu want.

I am so tired of buying sequels to racing games and being disappointed by them. First was Mario Kart Double Dash. Then one of those Need For Speed games. Next, Zero Gravity, REALLY anticipated this game only to be horrifically let down. And now, it looks like Transformed is going this same route.

Granted, the game is an improvement over the original in various areas. All of the tracks are not triple repeat variations of the same level, Sonic Heroes is not over-represented, And Sega decided on more diverse franchises for courses. Though I assume why there aren’t 3 different versions of the same track is because the tracks themselves change per lap. The game feels like more of a Sega celebration game than the last entry. Panzer Dragoon, Shinobi, Golden Axe, After Burner, wow. They put out the REAL SHIT that Sega is known for. Yet they still keep Billy fucking Hatcher.

Still, all the spectacle in the world couldn’t prevent some major design flaws of the game that just…. brings down the fun factor by a large percentage.

1. Stupid control set up.

Sega continues to piss me the ever-loving fuck off with the lacking ability to customize your controls. I’m not used to the Playstation brand controller, so I would enjoy a layout that doesn’t hurt my hands. Instead of that, you can only change the shoulder buttons. And those are used for gas and drifting. First off, I’m aware that most racing games out now have used the shoulders for gas, but it’s so uncomfortable! Especially since the sticks are not in the dominant thumb positions, so it feels like you’re stretching your fingers and thumbs apart to play the game. I hated that bullshit the most, one of the reasons I stayed away from the Playstation brand and one of the major reasons playing God Eater is a pain in the ass. Developers just won’t stop forcing you to use the fucking sticks. Call me a D-Pad purist, but D-Pads don’t break on me. They feel more controllable than sticks do, especially since the stick is in a position that confuses my muscle memory.

For example, hold a Playstation controller with both thumbs on the face buttons, D-Pad and all. Look at your thumbs. They’re pointed straight, right? This is the natural position your thumbs would be when playing games like this. If you wanted to turn left, you direct your thumb to the left. It feels natural, no? That’s how I felt playing GCN games.

Now, put your left thumb on the left stick. Look at the position of your thumb now. It’s slanted slightly. Now, if you’ve been playing games in the dominate thumb positions, muscle memory dictates that turning left would be “natural”. However, your thumb is slanted, so it would be more like turning “upper left” instead. If that’s hard to grasp, then TLDR, I fucking hate this bullshit. I wanna use the D-Pad. It’s not like I race in the air that much in the game. I wanna use the face buttons for gas. But then that would impact the “trick” stick. Fuck the trick stick. Just do like you did in the previous game and stick the brake, drift, and trick shit on the same damn button, and let me use the left stick/D-Pad to enter the directions for the tricks.

Playing the game feels pretty cumbersome with these controls. It’s just very uncomfortable for my tastes.

2. Tricks don’t work right.

Simply put, if I let go of the right stick, STOP FUCKING SPINNING AROUND KNUCKLE HEAD!! This shit has happened so much and cost me so many races. I left that shit go 4 seconds before I touch the damn ground and sometimes, they keep twirling about trying to impress the other racers with their Olympic level BS. And I bought a brand new controller for this game, so it ain’t fucked sticks.

3. Transformations are not easy to control.

The jet ski portion is a more sea-sick variant of the car, but it seems Sega once again goes the realism route and applies “physics” to how your jet ski flows. It turns slowly and/or goes all over the place and helps you crash into walls. Not to mention pulling off tricks is a little more difficult as some levels make it difficult to see how close or far from the water your character is hovering over. A lot of times (and this REALLY pisses me off), is the occasions where if your jet ski drives up on the side of a ramp, it topples over and turns you the fuck around, pointing the wrong way. This has happened on so many occasions, it’s infuriating.

But hey, at least you can improve using those jet ski’s! That ramp shit hasn’t been a pain in my ass the last few days. But FUCK YOU when it comes to the planes! Flying in a racing game has NEVER worked since they first tried it with Diddy Kong Racing. First off, it feels like you can’t even speed up very well. Tricking is stripped away in favor of Barrel rolls, and drifting feels completely fucked up. You don’t even have a true sense of direction as to where you’re supposed to go half the time. Yeah, you may get some of those blue arrows, but other courses (that creepy ass NiGHTS course especially) gives you no real sense of direction. Instead, you get those nightmare fuel goats and… shit. It’s like all the rules that apply to the car and the ski were removed in favor of trying to turn these segments into mini-piloting simulators. It’s a mess.

4. Fuck Mimi.

This bitch is getting on my last nerve!

5. Wretched-Ralph is not important in this game.

You know, usually when a game produces a guest character, the game gives those characters some kind of hospitality. Link gets his theme and win theme, sets of weapons, everything. Darth Vader gets his Death Star. Sonic and Snake both got their own stages, music themes, trophies, stickers, etc. They tried to make those characters feel like they always belonged in some way.

…..Eh, I don’t really care that much. Ralph is Disney’s attempt to brainwash gamers into becoming bigger Disney fans than need-be. So fuck him. 😛

6. WHY did you change unlocking requirements!?

I bought this game to get my hands on Joe Musashi…. only to have Sega’s balls in my mouth. In order to unlock Joe Musashi, I have to pay in stars. How do I get stars? I must complete some of the most blood boiling challenges I’ve ever had the misfortune of taking a part in for racing games, second only to F-Zero GX in sheer frustration. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t need at least 85 fucking power stars to unlock Joe. Son of a bitch, man! In the previous game, the system was simple. Just grind race for tickets and buy your characters, courses, music, etc. You didn’t have to do all of this crazy shit and passively require the player to complete A-Ranks in each mission to get all the characters. To get everyone, you’d need at least 165 stars. See, I lost interest in trying to unlock Green Hill and cracked SA2 with a gameshark. But I’d have to hack my damn PS3 just to unlock anything. Fuck that! I want my characters NOW you son of bitch!

If you have a decent system for unlocking characters in a previous game, don’t fucking change it! Since Sonic is for the kiddies now, make sure THEY can do it too! Shit man, this is why I hated having to unlock things in racing games. Developers always seem to put some asinine conditions for you to go through just to unlock anything, now I have to buy my characters with shit that’s literally hard to come by and replenish. Especially with the taunting of C and B ranks only needing you to be in 3rd place, but A rank mandates 1st place. What the fuck, Sega!?

Last time I buy a racing sequel…. ever.

Good… gawd dat gameplay is worse than 06!

At some point in our merry lives, people will claim S3K sucks via Tails becoming necessary for certain situations because Sonic is a “one man army” due to the solo acts he’s been getting for the last 5 years.

Gamefaqs provides nothing but comedy relief these days. I’ve never seen so much bitterness toward how much people love a video game since the “dreaded casuals”. And the unfortunate thing is this idea is spreading wider than swine flu.

It’s all due to the negative reception towards the newer Sonic games, including Lost Mind with that damn music note. The backlash against older Sonic games is not at all genuine. It is an open declaration of war against another fan sector.
I mean, lets be honest. Nintendo fans are a part of the Sonic fanbase, and they can only see the gameplay side. They’ve been taught so righteously by Miyamoto that it is all that matters in gaming. He believes it so much that he defies his own masters to dictate so. I don’t know the smell of Miyamoto’s ass, but it must be a heavenly fragrance, because he and his worshippers crammed their heads so far up there, you need the jaws of life to tear em out.

It seems that nowadays, Sonic fans are coming up with all kinds of shit to dictate why people should be happy and put up with this BS. The excuse being “you haven’t played them yet, so don’t judge.”. Ah, the “try it before judging” clause. A most popular damage control technique that matters nothing in the world of entertainment. Most especially when it comes to a medium that costs a second mortgage to enjoy per year. If one were to pay $60 for a game in a market where used games are under attack, and renting is no longer a popular try-before-buy, IE the consumers having very little purchasing power left, that excuse holds no weight this time around.

Some fanatics have the audacity to suggest Lost Mind will actually “beat out” Sonic Adventure 2 of all games. The futility of mere fantasy is a farce greater than Sony’s mandated firmware updates. Though possible it is a troll effort, it almost seems to be a genuine thought. This happens with goddamn everything that’s popular. If people bash you over the head with the same shit over and over and over, you’re bound to hate it so much, it becomes an epidemic of bile.

Lets be honest. Sonic Adventure 2 was the epitome of “way past cool”. It is the sweet spot of the Sonic franchise. The marriage between both the light and the shade. The mystery of it’s expanded universe compelled fans to draw closer to a purchase. Seeing Sonic perform even more crazy stunts than before. Mother fucker, SA2 was the shit. How none could comprehend is simply a matter of misguided perspective. One only needs to look at video games in the same vein as entertainment to know so. And SA2 was beyond entertaining. I’m aware that as old media ages, so does the ability to fairly judge them with eyes of the modern day. And so Sonic games are put at a disadvantage when it’s reputation is in the shitter, the temptation to go full CGS is too strong a desire for the masses. The easiest target being the gameplay.

As we all know, games with bad gameplay are never popular.

Come ere. Lemme… lemme let you in on a little secret. You wanna know why Sonic Adventure 2 is a beast? Well… here… hold on…

1. Atmosphere.


How many Sonic games can you say has levels with a different feel a large majority of the time? We know Sonic and Shadow’s levels are high speed action stages, but when it comes to the other characters, they bring a whole new dimension to “holy shit”. If you can spend a second or 2 ignoring the game rules and pay attention to your surroundings, especially in the treasure hunting stages, otherwise known as Yurugu’s torture chambers. Take note of Pumpkin Hill, Aquatic Mines, and Death Chamber, especially. Now, as stages that are based on exploration, it’s easy to get lost in these places. But even worse is those fucking ghosts that pop out from walls and tombstones. Oh, the piss that will fly from your trousers when you run into these things. Yes, the ghosts look stupid, but the mere fact that they can strike fear into your very soul, not knowing where those sneaky fuckers will pop out from next. It’s psychological terror if anything.

And then payback was a bitch.

Other times, you have levels such as the Lost Ark where it is almost pitch black. You’re put into the shoes of a blind nigga and expected to progress, only guided by the few lights of enemies and walls. Are you afraid of the dark? Well FUCK YOU! You get to hit B multiple times, hoping you kill whatever the hell may be in front of you! Hopefully I got the bas-… OH FU– NOOOOO!

Other times, it’s not even required to scare you. Sometimes, it invokes emotions and pressure. For example, in Crazy gadget, you’re tasked with needing to make it to the main control room of the Ark to save Amy while Robotnik SCREAMS at you over an intercom threatening to kill her. That gives you just enough motivation to press on through the level (and that place was a bitch to get through with all that fucked gravity). But do you just bitch and moan about it, quit, and let Amy die? I know, I know. These days, it’s tempting. 😛

Isn’t that the beauty of good content? It can be a good motivator when the conditions are right. Of course, the atmosphere is not without-

2. No music genre discrimination.

Get krunk bitches.

If you wanted a diverse soundtrack in Sonic games (as with CD) then you’re in luck again! It’s been years since we’ve gotten a Sonic game with some variety in it’s soundtrack. Not to mention fuckin good tunes too! You get Rock, Rap, weed rock, jazz, teletubbie shit, etc. Nowadays, you have no diverse OST. It’s either rock all the way, orchestrated nonsense, or the like. Not to mention how the music used easily fit the situations of each level while staying in consistency with the character’s main themes. Take Rouge for example. Her first level “Lagoon Oasis(?)” has a very soft, maybe porny theme where she’s simply looking for some of Knuckle’s gems. On the other hand, you have security hall where she is on a time limit of 5 minutes and has to find chaos emeralds as quickly as possible. The theme is much faster and sounds like something you’d hear in a “secret agent” type of movie. The OST mellows out when it comes to slower paced segments, and gets more adrenaline pumped when it comes to the pure action stages. Easily sets the mood of every level to the point that you’d be surprised this was made by Sega. Think back to most of Robotnik’s tracks. Many of them are actiony because he goes in and blows shit up. But then you get to Lost Ark. You know, it’s a dark, cold, abandoned space station. Very little is active, and it’s just a derelict shadow of itself. The music goes accordingly to it’s whims. It’s a very quiet tune. Very little instruments are used beyond a mellowed guitar and…. other instrument who’s name escapes me. It was almost… scary even.

Yeah yeah, I know the same could be said about Unleashed as well, but most of it is generic anyway (Empire City, Shamar night, and Chun Nan withstanding).

Too bad Crazy Gadget didn’t have anything to convey the urgency of the situation going on, what with Robotnik screaming death threats over the intercom. Why would would anyone give a damn about saving Amy of all people? Well

3. The plot ensures you give a fuck.

These days, I’m surprised that no one brings up a lack of “emotional investment” when it comes to the disproportionate amount of reasons that Sonic sucks. I mean, goddamn. Is it any wonder people hate any character that isn’t the true blue blur himself, even when he’s no better? Because all of the characters have been derailed to the point of absurdity. If you played this coming off the shit plots of current day games, you would be repulsed by having to deal with anyone despite them not being anywhere absurdly annoying. Shadow’s inner demons are easier to digest because they’re not shoved into your face 100% of the time like his own personal game. Each character has their own motives and reasons for being involved into the plot. Knuckles is looking for his emerald shards, Rouge is a spy, Sonic wants payback for getting framed, Tails and Amy had to bust him out and try to help him solve whatever Robotnik is cooking up, Shadow wants to kill off the human race, etc. See, all characters have their own arks explored and delved into unlike current games where they’re shoved into the plot with no context or motive. I mean, look at how Sonic Heroes handled everything. Knuckles joins up into the fray with no rhyme or reason. Everyone asks the question of why he isn’t guarding that fucking emerald like he’s supposed to. When did Big become friends with Amy and Cream!? Omega has to be the most arbitrary character ever conceived. And they’re just… there when it comes to 06. Along with Amy and Rouge. Fuck, why was that bitch Blaze even in that game? In fact, why is Tails in Unleashed? Or Amy? Are they playable? Then why the fuck are they in the game!?

Content wise, the character’s inclusions made no goddamn sense. Especially if you’re not gonna make them playable half the time. Not SA2. No, they actually serve a purpose. Knuckles’s quest to find his shards was useful in trying to disable the Chaos Emeralds from powering the Ark (almost, at least), Amy had to talk some sense into Shadow who just wanted to sit back and let shit happen, etc. Oh what!? “Oh ANY character could’ve done any of” blah blah, fuck you. I’ve heard this excuse so many times in the past and it tires the fuck out of me. What the FUCK is that supposed to mean? Amy was useful for something. It’s canon, it’s official, if not for the bitch, Shadow would not have been motivated to kick fucking ass. Get over it. People use this piss ass reasoning to lessen the impact of the character’s efforts out of spite and the salvation of their bruised egos. Nuts be shriveled if peeps go that far to be “right” in a debate.

Perhaps that’s why everyone claims Colors had a good story (AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!). All characters included made sense to some regard. Sonic and Tails are fuck buddies so obviously they travel together on every trip they plan. Of course, they’re gonna sop Robotnik and yadda yadda. Whether or not it’s well told….it isn’t.

That’s another thing. It’s actually WRITTEN well that no one minds whatever plotholes the X’ers desperately try to find to prove how bad the game is. Despite the amount of thought put into expanding the universe, they don’t blow anything out of proportion like they do in 06 or Unleashed, or reveal the plot prior to the climax of the game (hint hint Colors fanboys).

But you say “So it has a good story, so what? That’s no reason to say it’s a great game! Why would I want to replay this crap over and over?”

4. Stupid, cute ass chao…

One of the biggest time sinks in Sonic history were those cute mother fucking aliens called Chao. What slick son of a bitch decided to use some baby sounds for the voices of the adorable little whatevers? Not only that, but any game that gives you the ability to raise up any kind of monster is bound to be addictive as hell. You can even create customized chao. Angel Chao, Devil Chao, Unicorn Chao, Eldrich abomination Chao, and even character chao! Sonic Chao, the overrated Tails Chao, etc.

At the same time, how bad ass was it to be able to take the critters and have them do cock fights against each other in Chao karate!? Raise the little bastards and go head to head in MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAT! It is beyond the funniest mode in any Sonic game, and is a shame to never see it replicated.

5. Leaves you wanting more.

Factually the most epic Sonic fight ever.

Sonic games don’t usually have the best finales that gives you that craving for a potential sequel like many a Konami title. Infact, there hasn’t been a single one since SA2. Think about it. When you beat Sonic Heroes, did you feel a craving for a new game? It didn’t eave much to the imagination beyond an explanation for why Shadow is alive. Did Colors leave you with a craving for the next entry? Ha! Fuck no! Generations? HA! Biolizard may be a veeeeeeeeeeeery shitty looking final boss, but damn if that final fight wasn’t the least bit thrilling. With the world on a strict time limit of ZIP, you have to destroy the Biolizard before Earth is completely destroyed. Everyone on Earth is fearing for their lives, all over the world. The cast from within the Ark crying out to you to save their goddamn lives. The only hope is you and… you. It is a desperate struggle to save the world from the madness of a corpse. The end result?

A heroic sacrifice.

Heroes lament about their lives and Shadow’s death. And that ending pic just fucks yo tear ducts all up!

SHIT MAN! I still can’t get over how Iizuka directed this game! Look at the ass quality he does now! What a damn fantastic send off for the Dreamcast. Shit was a glorious send off. More than I can say for that busted ass Twilight Princess.

You think after something this amazingly epic that the next Sonic game is just going to be bigger and better in every way, right? Well, fuck all of us in that department, but the anticipation we all had was tremendous.

Please, Sonic Adventure 2 suc-man get yo bitch asses out of my fandom with that bullshit. SA2 was a beast for good reason. It hit every G-spot within every fan with damn good content, beast ass OST, great atmosphere, and I say this with a hot ass cup of fuck you, good gameplay. None of it was particularly frustrating (save for Crazy Gadget). Just testing of the patience many had. And fuck, it must not be that bad when it’s making one of the top spots on PSN’s sales charts. SA2 sucks my ass.

Ya’ll niggas expect me to believe for a moment that Lost Mind stands a chance at topping Sonic Adventure 2!? Come on man! I will bet money on that one! What memories could this game possibly leave behind? What impact could it have on the fans of the series? What legacy will it leave behind? Sonic Adventure 2 left shoes too damn big to fill if you’re counting on this piece of shit to take up the slack for all the mud slinged at the franchise. And you punk mother fuckers want to try and go back and find every possible flaw to shut up fans of SA2? Shit, they have a reason to be proud fans. Least they don’t have to go around and pick out flaws of your beloved Colors to prove why SA2 is worthy of praise. You’re motivated only by spite.



This should’ve been Robotnik’s theme. 😦

Seeing as “gameplay is everything” these days, I wasn’t surprised at the folks who figured my analysis of Virtua Fighter’s lacking appeal was half-hearted and ill-informed. Granted, I don’t buy anything to have my views validated, I’ve been meaning to try at least one of the entries to get away from the dull and lifeless Ringling Brothers Circus known as Tekken. And… I couldn’t find a copy of DOA5 anywhere so I had this option.

By the balls of Ra, it was worse than I imagined.

The hype of “deep and technical” wasn’t bullshit, apparently as every move and maneuver in this game requires precise timing to get down pat. Now, the more complex moves, the general rule of fighters is to never use moves that are more complicated than need be. But that doesn’t appear to be an option for these games. Every move feels more complicated than need be due to the timing necessary. And I’ve been through Namco’s fighters where timing is everything, it’s almost a completely different ball game here.

One of the worst things about this game is that nearly every move in the roster’s arsenal are indistinguishable from one another, killing any desire to practice with a particular character. And combined with the turtle-fest nature of the game and the sheer speed of the actual fighting, what motivation would one have to practice the moves when basic normals will suffice?

It feels as though the game is more about the basics of fighting. You know, attacking, blocking, occasional grabs, etc. With that, the game’s stiff ass controls rival those of pre-2011 Mortal Kombat. Unless you’re hot shit and can get the timing down pat for the game, your ass is out of luck.

But there’s a flaw in that design. Basic equals predictable. If you try to stick with the basics, you will be mauled. Advanced techniques are usually put into the game to defeat basic tactics. And assuming everyone that plays VF isn’t a newb, basic shit won’t get you anywhere. And therein lies the problem. The game demands you become a master of the system before you can start enjoying it.
And we all know by now that this kind of bullshit doesn’t fly these days. How many successful games are there that require you to become a master before you have fun? The game has to be fun the moment you begin round 1. And that can only be achieved by making the player feel like an arrogant bastard.

Yes. In order to garner a larger fanbase, you need to give your audience a taste of power. Make them crave glory. Ensure that power is an intoxicating drug that compels them to stay. Compels them to disobey their better judgment. Corrupt them with the tiny ounce you offer. Once they’ve sampled the forbidden fruit, they are spellbound, and they are yours forever.

Street Fighter offered the forbidden fruit. As did Mortal Kombat. Tekken. Soul Calibur. And all kinds of DOA.

Yes, all fighters need a little practice. But little is the key word here. Characters in the game should be easy to translate to, one to another. Why? Well, if you picked a certain character but aren’t too keen on your choice, you can go to another, practice a little, and see how that one works out for you. What lunacy is it that you will have trouble learning one character, let alone 2 in a single fighter?

Also, Let the players, not the game, dictate how much practice you need. People are motivated by other people, not the system itself. I’ve never seen one person look at a game and go “man, I want to become a grand master at this fighting system!”. It’s more so “DAMMIT! That bastard cheated me!” Then someone tells him “no, you just suck”. And then an argument pursues, but in the end, the player in question just has a trigger mechanism that compels him/her to play more and get better. When I play Mortal Kombat 9, I haven’t had much practice with it, but I feel just as haughty as anyone else. The game allows me to feel powerful. But the moment someone counters my cheap bullshit, I rage. I’m so arrogant and full of myself that I proclaim “yo ass ain’t gonna look pretty in the next round, bitch face!”. I get mauled again, then my mind goes “shit! Ok, lemme slow down and see what I can do to turn this around. Ok, my opponent button mashes and does random shit.”. Then, tactics are changed. Instead of going for the most powerful/cheap shit I can do, I switch to a defensive tactic. Back stepping, going back in, blocking more often, etc.

But that’s just basic shit. Basic shit isn’t too easy to counter in most fighting games, and a good majority of the time, that’s all you need. Virtua Fighter allows no such freedom. You MUST become adept to the system before you can enjoy the game. And that is by being an advanced player. Mastery of fighting games should only be reserved for the perfectionist, not all audiences. It’s far more demanding than a standard fighting game affair. Though hardcore gamers may love the element of a skill so damn wide that it’s rare for anyone to cross it. The irony of this whole thing is that everyone despises accessibility (if NSMBW is any indication), but no one likes Virtua Fighter besides the freaks. Amazing. A fighting game that is the definition of niche. Not even King of Fighters steals that medal.

In order for Virtua Fighter to become more broad, it’s systems desperately need to change. The problem is the same as with every Sega produced game. Sega is faaar too rigid and stubborn to change anything for the better (unless it’s Sonic because that makes them money). If a game doesn’t make them money, instead of improving on it, they let it stagnate for years upon years until the end of time. People don’t play fighting game for a few improvements to an old fighting system. They never have, and never will. They only come back for gimmicks. Street Fighter’s endless remakes have gimmicks that keep people coming back. New characters and stages are always an incentive no matter how scammish the package is. Improved fighting systems are a mere bonus.  Sega has only recently started doing this, but wasted their opportunities with overseas markets. They gives no fucks in regards to popularity and/or health. I guess they assume Japan’s freaks are enough to satisfy. Instead of growing the potential for the series and broaden their audience, they literally settle for less.

There are those that claim that the game isn’t as difficult as people make it out to be. Of course not. As long as you know how to switch from both offensive to defensive styles of fighting, you shouldn’t have any problem on the basic level. But if you’ve played fighting games for a long time and already know the basics of every fighting game out there, you have no wiggle room to move beyond that basic level and learn parries, proper evades, etc. The game ties you down into re-learning the basics because it’s system is so intricate and advanced. So even competent fighting game players have their hands cuffed and are not treated to the forbidden fruit. And believe me, that is a major drag. The reasoning for this is due to the game moving blindingly fucking fast. The character’s attacks and grabs are almost invisible to the untrained eye. It’s like greased lightening! So, you’d have to get re-acquainted with the basics and pay even more attention to the fighting than usual. Most moves don’t have visible start up cues for you to know when to defend. If you aren’t familiar with VF, you’ll find your self mashing down on the guard button like a DBZ character.

It all comes down to “realism”. Realism is the worst thing you could put into a fighter. Entertainment is not realistic. Entertainment gives pleasure or delight to the senses. It can hold someone’s attention. Virtua Fighter is not entertainment. Or it isn’t anymore. Virtua Fighter’s selling point was that it was the first 3D fighter to have realistic moves and such. But what good is the series now? Again, like Sonic, Virtua Fighter was about showing off hardware and graphics. There’s nothing more to it than an old broken heirloom.

So how’s that? Virtua Fighter has no appeal, content, or accessible gameplay! A triple negative and a good reason to avoid the series altogether. Unless you’re a soulless, sociopathic freak who gets off to being the best like no one ever was.

I think Lost Cause is a more fitting title at this point. Don’t you agree, my audience of 3?

I’ve never seen people get so excited over every little bit of news so much like an obsessive Pokemon fan. The presence of “cute shit” and one line of dialogue is enough to send the fanbase into a supremacist hive state. It is official that due to an abnormal rating, Zavok’s death threat, and a casino level, that this game is perfection, and no one can complain about it.

It has barely been 3 days and already, people are showing signs of “IN YOUR FACE” attitudes when an announcement creates a vague contradiction toward the skeptics. It’s… entertaining, to say the least. Clearly I’m too old to be a part of this fanbase. I have to be as childish as these psychopaths who are more interested in shoving their own superiority into your face, as if gaming news is only to be used as a tool of intellectual combat and domination.

One would wonder what the point of it all is. Knowing damn well the game isn’t going to sell anyway, they appear completely oblivious to that reality. These 3 factors will not ensure success.

For 1, the E10 rating is the equivalent to PG. That only means it MIGHT have content needing parental guidance. But that means nothing in the long run because PG content is tame in comparison to what could be seen in PG13 or R-rated stuff. It doesn’t make the game less “kiddy”.
I’m always amazed by how damned furious gaming fandoms can be when the object of their fandom is labeled “kiddy”. And with Sonic fans, they seem to switch back and forth when the argument is convenient for them. First, it’s wrong for Sonic games to target children, then Sonic is meant to be for kids, but then E10 means it’s not for kids. I mean goddamn! I thought the Nintards were alone in lacking integrity and intellect, but this is America, and we’re obsessed with “being right”. Being right doesn’t require rational and analytical thought (both of which many X’ers do not possess), but as long as your forum buddies agree with you and boost your karma/rating points up a notch, you could care less. I suppose with a series that was about nothing but spectacle, an element that does not require thinking, that Sonic fans would be the most brainless bunches of idiots on the face of the Earth. It’s not even shocking anymore that being 10 years old equates to having your balls dropped. Must be that damn Pokemon giving people the wrong idea.

Secondly, Zavok’s dialogue does not equal a fearsome character. Everyone grows fucking MOIST over “lay down and die!” Wasn’t dialogue like this the “wrong way” to do Sonic games? I mean, Sonic isn’t supposed to be “dark” right? Even then, we have not even seen the extent of these retards power aside from brute strength. If that is the primary case, there’s zero reason to be excited over these villains. They don’t even look like standard Sonic characters, for pete’s sake.

And lastly, and I absolutely cannot stress this any more, the presence of a Casino level is not interesting. Sonic tropes have never been interesting. Seeing variants of the same 1 or 2 popular levels from the 90s is not going to reinvigorate interest in the franchise. Especially with Green Hill. We’ve seen that damn level at least6 times over the course of 3 years if we count itunes games. And Generations. And Sonic 4. The Casino levels were only popular due to the pinball gimmicks (which spawned a Spinoff of it’s own). Not the aesthetic itself. If anything, Collision Chaos does that even better. The Casino level brings nothing new to the table. And why would it considering how lazy and uninspired the entire game comes off as?

And one of the marketing techs for this game is new content. I have YET to see anything new beyond that fucking music note power. Recycled content with Nintendo aesthetics does not = perfection. The return of the old badniks is a play on nostalgia. Why not design NEW badniks? If the game is supposed to have new content, why not make new badniks instead?

It’s pathetic seeing the behaviors on display. Just imagine all the hype, and we get a product that resembles Sonic 06 in execution. The hypocracy and irony that would preceed the shitstorms would be glorious indeed.

You know, despite my first post where I describe everything I despise about this franchise, I’m actually quite surprised by how much fun Mortal Kombat 9 is. It’s as though someone went up to Ed Boon and said “You know what? It’s never too late to stop being shit!”

I mean…. damn. It doesn’t even feel like a Mortal Kombat game. The controls aren’t… too stiff, special moves feel like special moves instead of cheat codes, and even the Tekken button format feels more like KOF than Tekken. Cyrax is officially awesome, as is Reptile. But the main thing is that the game feels like a natural fighter instead of some game where you whiff shit all day hoping you score a hit (DA,D, and A respectively). And of course, they decided to compete with DOA because the silicone epidemic has spread to the western shores. I mean dayuuuuuum.

Even the zombies have faker tits than most American women…

It almost feels… wrong beating the hell out of demented belly dancers with evil fan blades and bad dental plans, but hey, this series was always king when it came to random wacky shit. One of Rain’s kicks sends the opponent flying across the world, even.

Another thing I enjoyed was the training mode makes an attempt to teach new comers how to play the game. It does a poor job, but at least they tried.

It’s not without it’s flaws mind you. Sonya’s man-face is difficult to ignore, special moves are still limited to specific buttons instead of universal amongst it’s punches and kicks, and they still have mostly difficult to remember motions, and the game is still about teleporting cheap shots. The characters honestly don’t have distinguishable fighting styles aside from Jax and Liu-Kang. For the most part, they’re all just avatars with varying specials as always.

Another thing is Shang Tsung. Fuck him. He’s a sub boss to Shao Khan, but Shang would make him his bitch in 2 days tops. This guy is cheapness personified. He was just some floaty sprite back in the first game, now he wants to be mother fucking Pai Mei. He is the ultimate bitch-maker in this game. Can drop your ass if you don’t like blocking for some reason.

But… the one thing I really.. REALLY can’t stand is this.

Sex on legs.

This is the only good MK game… and Jade’s greatest costume is not available. Well… I suppose it was inevitable, even though they did have concept art to replicate it, it’s just not there.

…..Mother fucker, she was rockin them twin braids! And that delicately sculptured black women’s ASS! Dammit, I knew something else was amiss aside from the apparent bleach job Netherrealm attempted.

Anyway, soon as I figure out how this internet shit works, I might go online with this thing, get raped, rage quit, and go back to Smash Bros in a whiny tantrum. Honestly, this game is just fun.

Now hurry up and revive MOTHER FUCKING BLOODY ROAR!









Seriously, that face is HIDEOUS! Butterface is not an accurate description for the hack job the artists did.

So, there’s a new trailer out for Lost Mind. I see the fanboys are already getting hyped up over the game being rated E10 (Return to Dreamland has the same rating. I wouldn’t hold my breath), the same fanboys literally orgasm’d at Zavok’s one line of dialogue “just lay down and die” as though it couldn’t be an empty threat, and the game shows off new Wisp powers. Bird power allows Sonic to fly… and that’s it. The desert looks suspiciously similar to the Dry Dry Desert from Paper Mario. And there’s the void Wisp from Colors DS, not at all new as the trailer suggests. There’s also….  “music note Sonic” whose power is to bounce around on tunes.

………..Fuck this game. This shit has officially killed Sonic the Hedgehog. Music Note Sonic is the equivalent to Caveman Drawing Link. What deranged shit-bird would find this “cool”? This is the true death of Sonic the Hedgehog as we know it.

The wisps are arbitrary enough as they are, but the trailer implies these powers are to be used to defeat the “deadly six”, but all I see are new power-ups only to be used for puzzles and fetch quests (just like 3D Mario). What offensive capabilities would a fucking music note provide to a street fight?!

None of the worlds look unique to Sonic, but copied from a typical Mario game. The jungle looks as though they were taken from Yoshi’s Story, and why would Sonic need to turn into a bird when Tails can give him a flight pick up? Are Wisps even popular? No one talks about them when they unduly praise the shit out of Colors.

The Nintarded X’ers have destroyed Sonic. Iizuka has destroyed Sonic. And he’s been doing this since 2005 with that fucking gun, destroying any appeal the series had left after the devastation of Sonic X and the Advance series. It seems everywhere but America, people have a few brain cells about this insane direction Sega and Nintendo are taking the series. People extol it at the brink of their own insanity, not knowing the destruction this game will rout.

Classic Sonic was never “uncool” at any point. Look at that glare on his face. You know he wouldn’t have any of this bullshit. Even with his insignificance in Generations, he was still cool (probably because his muteness saved him from the wrath of the Colors writers). I mean, really, who the fuck found Colors to be funny? If anyone ever had the idea that comedy equates to a perfectly timed fart, then Sonic Colors is a fart that has been going on for 2 hours and the room reeks of shit, and the presence of rectal bleeding proceeds.

See, if Sega of America still had any influence over the series, we wouldn’t have this shit. The western side knew how to appeal to kids AND adults. The Japanese side has consistently proven they incapable of doing so themselves. Gaining full control of the series in around 2003 has completely doomed Sonic to this.

He looks like a cracked out fucking retard in this pic.

SOJ seems out of control in their attempts to deprive the blue blur of any coolness he might have had left. Why? They never wanted it in the first place. They wanted Sonic to be the “Japanese Mickey Mouse” last I heard.

Well, Merry fucking christmas, you assholes. Music Note Sonic is the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Apparently, Nintendo and Sakurai really DO hate the idea of Smash Bros. being “hardcore” to the point that they were trying to BAN IT FROM BEING IN A TOURNAMENT!

Oh Amma! I take that back, Sakurai. You’re a bitch. What kind of jack ass company would go out of their way to shut down a tournament!? Free promotion for their own game even?

Oh wait. It’s because they featured Melee, the so-called “hardcore” Super Smash Bros. title. Nintendo wants to promote Smash Bros. as a “family oriented” fighting game without the desire for competition and the quest to improve your skills. It’s just supposed to be a “wholesome and fun” fighting game. Promoting Melee at EVO sends the WRONG message about Smash Bros. Smash Bros. isn’t about kicking ass. It’s about being a party game that “everyone” can enjoy. Except the “maniac players”. How did Melee become the “Wrong” kind of Smash Bros.? Because someone managed to find an exploit in the game’s physics!?

You have to love what one person referred to as the passive-aggressive nature of the Japanese game developer. Their messages are so subtle, but their maturity is never cloaked. Miyamoto with “dress physics”, Aonuma taunting players about the touch screen in Phantom Hourglass, Sakamoto telling fans that they have the wrong impression of Samus and decides to “correct” their assessments, wow. Nintendo is an asshole factory. And not just them. Classic Sonic in Generations is a worthless character whose insignificance is bashed over your head several times throughout the game, showing how Sega really feels about old Sonic (because old Sonic is Western brand coolness. New Sonic is Japanese Marty-Stu bullshit). It kinda makes you appreciate the fanservicey nature of Capcom and Namco a little. They let the fans decide what they want (unless it’s Resident Evil, then you get a director who plays god with his own fanbase because he wants to beat COD) and they try to deliver. Nintendo flips you off 20 times without skipping a beat. They DELIBERATELY try to piss you off. And if this isn’t proof enough that they want to control the way you play video games, I don’t know what will.

Oh, what? WHAT!? Because they did a 380 and said “nevermind”, I should just ignore this!? They knew their image was fucked the moment they tried to touch EVO. And the fan backlash (people who raised money for this tournament on the sake of cancer research  would be PISSED OFF) was only natural. If Nintendo had nothing to lose, they would’ve never backed down. If EVO spoke out against them for it, the damage to their image would’ve been catastrophic, and no amount of standard Nintard brand damage control would save them from this event. And Nintendo NEEDS a good image, so their PR wizardry is in full fucking force. If the Pii U is in bad shape, it needs to be in full force. And I love how people dick ride the “law” in support of Nintendo. Where was this support when Sega sued Level 5 over a soccer game? What, going after other developers is seen as “bad”, but going after fans is “lawful and just!?” In the words of Bobby Brown, this world is a trip!

Nintendo reigns supreme in their arrogance and desire to be the dictators of quality entertainment within the gaming industry. Always forcing their shitty innovations on people, and suggesting nothing is wrong with them. Dictating to their fans what they SHOULD like, instead of what they want to like. No game company is entitled to your money, but Nintendo is entitled to a free-for-all ass beating after this shit. No one asked for an involuntary ass fucking from you bitches, and you just keep doing this! Why should anyone support Nintendo when they have shown time and again that they do not care about their fans, their expanded audience, or even the health of video game entertainment? They’re more caught up in their desires to reinvent the will of innovative gameplay that no one cares about, sabotages their more successful games because they don’t believe in their direction, and tells their fans that they are WRONG for liking something. They are WRONG for liking Metroid Prime over Other M. They are WRONG for liking Twilight Princess’s art style over Wind Waker’s. They are WRONG for wanting 2D Mario over 3D Mario. They are WRONG for wanting a Smash Bros. game that wasn’t designed to coddle little snot-nosed brats and their equally as retarded parents. Did they even give a reason for wanting to shut it down?

Boycott these rotten mother fuckers. Bankrupt them even. Don’t purchase the Pii U for a damn thing. Show these nutless freaks that you aren’t their bitches. String the bastards up and drag ’em like mad savages and let the dogs have ’em. I see no reason to continue supporting these assholes.

Yes, not even you can make me support them now.

I’ve talked to a few fans on the Caster side recently about the overwhelming love that Sonic’s Lost Mind as well as Nintendo have been getting for a while. Most of the time, I wouldn’t give a damn if people loved or hated a game. I know everyone hates Shadow the Hedgehog for the gun, but I say w/e. Sonic Rush is overrated to the point of absurdity, but hey. At least someone likes a Sonic game these days.

But there’s something abnormal about the praise of Lost Mind. See, prior to the release of a Sonic game, there would be some actual skepticism prior to the release of the game. With Lost Mind, there is almost zero skepticism, and that is completely unnatural for Sonic games these days. As Sonic games have very little appeal, the excitement doesn’t really fit.

But that can easily be explained by the infatuation with “Gameplay”.

Hardcore gamers encompass at least a good 75-80% of the entire gaming populace on the internet. All fanbases have a hardcore gamer. Even the dreaded “Nintards” act hardcore. And all hardcore gamers have this strange love of the concept of “game play“. The game rules. The concepts used to make the game work. You’re always going to hear the mantra that gameplay takes priority over everything else in a video game. Content, story, audio and video, and even fun factor. Gameplay is the only real measure of quality when it comes to public opinion online.

When did games start becoming about gameplay? The only time gameplay becomes a factor is when the game must be evaluated for competitive play. Fighting games are evaluated heavily for this purpose. Multiplayer RTS games  are evaluated (Starcraft for one)

People do not think about gameplay when the game is fun. Their minds are at ease. All they can think about is the bliss of kicking enemy ass or just walking through a lush world.

Sonic games are not about “gameplay”. Not about “game rules”. They are spectacle first and for most. So it is very dangerous for Sonic Team to be taking this approach as this series depends on spectacle. Look at Unleashed, Colors, and Generations. The appeal of these 3 games is the blistering high speeds you can obtain. Well, maybe not Colors, but you get the idea.

This is the spectacle of Sonic Generations. The gameplay may not be that great, but it is the effort to convey that sense of hyper speed that gives many players that adrenaline rush. The players are not expected to pay straight attention to the gameplay, but the roller coaster speeds.

But if you focus on nothing but the gameplay, this comes off as “Boost, some platforming, boost again”. So it will be a shallow game to you.

Lost Mind focuses strictly on the gameplay factor. The trailers that are shown are nothing but the gameplay. There’s very little focus on the content. What is this hexagonal world?! Who and what are the Zeti? We only get vague hints dropped every now and then. There’s no sense of mystery or ambition within the game. There’s no reason given for why we should be excited to run out and buy a Pii U for this shit.

And yet, everyone is in love with it. Of course, the only means of reminding them the game exists is by criticizing it.

The obsession with the gameplay of Lost Mind blinds the gamers from the content, almost ignoring it completely in favor of the “intricacies” of the gameplay. Where did this intense focus come from?

1. Hardcore gamers aspire to be game designers themselves. And many young gamers are casually told that they must focus on innovative and intricate gameplay concepts to sell a game. Most indie developers come from this train of thought. Many go against the “mainstream” in defiance of game content that is appealing and jump right into the “unique gameplay concepts”.

Many would be quick to point out that Mario Galaxy has perfect gameplay due to the specific usage of motion controls as well as pointer controls to solve simple yet “creative” puzzles. Many would be quick to suggest that Skyward Sword has great gameplay because it’s probably the only game that uses Wii Motion Plus to it’s fullest extent to have accurate swinging motions for combat. Many will rush to DKCR and suggest it’s gameplay is perfect because you will die plenty of times as the hardcore notion of quality is “challenging” (IE frustrating).

None of these actually explain how they make the game “fun”, but rather how the games work in tandem with the challenges present. Skyward Sword “works” because the motion controls are accurate with precision sword swings. You swing up, Link slashes upward. And vice versa. But is it actually fun to fight enemies in this way? Unlike previous Zelda games where you could mash the attack button to destroy enemies, you are instead forced to slow down and watch the enemies closely because now, the enemies have specific blocking patterns or their weak spots are coded in a specific pattern that you must accurately swing in. For example, there is a totem enemy where you must slash it’s body down in multiple sections. In order to bring it down, you must sever it’s connected parts with 3 horizontal swings. Once it’s head is down to the ground, you must use a thrust motion to stab it’s eye.

But where’s the fun in that? You’ll be fighting this kind of enemy multiple times in specific dungeons, but the process is easily memorable, and equally as tedious.

This isn’t bad gameplay because it works the way it was designed to. It is boring gameplay because there is no stimulation during combat.

Metroid Other M, on the other hand, has better combat. It’s simpler, and doesn’t require more complex controls, but thanks to that, combat is much faster and in some ways more exciting. Many enemies need only the same strategies. Shoot, dodge, shoot. This may be shallow gameplay, but in many ways, it is more fun than Skyward Sword.

Devil May Cry 3 is another example. A majority of the games enemies can be taken down by either shooting them or whacking them with your sword. You don’t need any of the advanced techniques in the game to kill most enemies, but it’s there to make you feel more badass.

Isn’t that supposed to be the goal? To turn you into a bad mother fucker!? Instead, the gameplay of DMC3 would be scoffed at by the most hardcore of gamers due to it’s accessibility had it not been for the fact that DMC3 can be quite difficult at times.

What am I supposed to think when I look at the latest Zelda games if I came off from DMC3? It’s a massive disappointment.

Skyward Sword has “good gameplay” while Other M has “shallow gameplay”. Out of these 2, which looks more fun?

Dammit, charge up while running and dodging before going into FPS mode, you fucking n00b!

The Koloktos battle has an intricate strategy where you must wait for the opportunity where his joints are exposed. Then yank away and stab his exposed heart while you have the chance.

Other M? Use your goddamn Plasma Beam. And feel awesome doing so.

Make no mistake, this is the game that has scarred Metroid’s reputation, but it is levels beyond Skyward Sword in fun factor.

Or to use a non-Nintendo example because I’m sure you’re all sick of that happening.

Now, obviously, Tekken’s gameplay is revered for the “button on each limb”  and “dial a combo” system making it one of those “easy to learn, hard to master” type fighters, and one needs to have a really good grasp of their character to be able to play them effectively. On the other hand, DOA is much simplier, using a control scheme similar to Virtua Fighter and focusing more on style than actual skill. It has often been criticized of being a button masher with a usually easy counter system (as has Bloody Roar, no matter how tight those games were). But on any hand, due to Tekken’s system, the games focus more on launchers and juggles, devolving the match into a turtle fest where the players shuffle back and forth, whiffing attacks and launchers in hopes of getting at least one hit it. DOA’s simplicity allows for more variation in matches, keeping things more interesting as you don’t know what to expect half the time. Plus it challenges your concentration. Can you still focus on the match while shuffling about to hide your magic stick?

Fighting games are trapped in this conundrum, however, as “making it to EVO” is proof of the quality of the fighting game in general. And Tekken’s marketing is a helluva lot better than DOA’s.

When one brings up the situation between 50 Cent Bulletproof and Okami, it sends the hardcore into a mouth-foaming fit of rage. Shattering the umbrella of their own lunacy, for the salvation of their ego, they must insult those who allowed that “rapper’s travesty” to even become a decent success over the “masterpiece” that was Okami. The difference in this case is the appeal. 50 Cent was a moderately popular rapper. What the fuck is Okami and should anyone care?

Because it’s gameplay and art style blends together so perfectly. What is Okami’s gameplay? An extension of Modern Aonuma brand Zelda.

2. Another factor of the hardcore obsession with gameplay is Nintendo’s mouth.

Nintendo is a school of PR wizardry. This company has the capacity to captivate an entire armada of internet nerds with mere words of “wisdom”. Miyamoto has been quoted millions of times about his undeniable logic on game design. Even his detractors agree with his insight, if not his method.

And you know why? Because Nintendo is forever associated with an event from the early-mid 80s in which they “saved” the American video game industry from being crashed by greedy and corrupt game publishers. Because gaming was going to die in America. Europe and Japan got Space Invaders to save their asses. America is kinda…. slow. In Mind and Time. It’s unfortunate because Nintendo’s reputation for being the gaming “saviors” if you will gives them immunity from criticism (at least from gamers beyond software).

It gives them immunity and authority. If Nintendo’s games saved America from an industry crash, then they MUST know something about quality. So for many hardcore, most of whom are aspiring game designers themselves, obsessively listen to Nintendo’s words closely. And Nintendo’s words are always centered on “gameplay” rather than anything else.

So when the hardcore take everything Nintendo says at face value, and focus strictly on the gameplay, then everything else about a game is oblivious to them. Skyward Sword has terrible content, but the gameplay of utilizing motion plus for many of the elements of the game is “innovative, intricate, and exciting” to the hardcore gamers. Damn if it plays well or is actually fun. New Super Mario Bros. isn’t new or intricate, and as such, is despised by the hardcore gamers despite breaking holiday sales records.

This is likely the reason many Nintendo games get a free pass despite being terrible. When reading or watching reviews, many of them come from hardcore gamers obsessed with gameplay concepts. They wrongfully assume that this is a good idea due to the massive success of the Wii. PS3 and 360 are spectacle monsters, but failed greatly to captivate a wide audience. Wii, on the other hand, gobbled up market-share like a hungry, hungry hippo due to catering to a market that wasn’t being served. The “dreaded casuals” as they call them.

The difference here, however, is assuming innovative and intricate gameplay sold the Wii. Some of the most abhored games (Wii Sports) are more popular than Skyward Sword.

3. Probably the most important aspect of the obsession is the same reason Nintards were excited for Nintendo implementing online and HD gaming. Because gameplay had been shoved into Sonic fans faces, we now have a fanbase that believes that “intricate gameplay” will “save” Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic Colors wasn’t considered good because it was fun. It’s considered good because the gameplay is equated with being intricate, innovative, and working. The wisp powers allow the player to have a new level of exploration within Sonic games. Personally speaking, wisps suck. I’d rather have the elemental shields from Sonic 3. At least they had unlimited use until you got hit, and you had more control over it (thank you Generations for bringing some of them back). But this is considered “unique” for Sonic games. The wisps are time limited, and opens new areas and secret paths. This isn’t at all fun, but it’s that “intricacy” that gives them some form of excitement.

Looking at the demos of Lost Mind, the game heavily revolves around intricacy. There are hidden areas up the ass. It looks almost like a complete copy of Rayman Origins in some instances. Rayman Origins was a hidden area whore house. Infact, a lot of 2D platformers this past generation were hidden area whore houses. Oh look behind the bush! This small ass room with a coin/puzzle piece/star! Oh jump on this vaguely visible edge! Another small ass room with a coin/puzzle- oh look! Another cleverly hidden bonus room!

I’m looking at you:

Rayman Origins



Sonic Colors

Return to Dreamland.

It’s like an epidemic of hidden areas and fetch quests! Did game developers believe this shit was fun!? Well obviously, the hardcore twats seem to be sending the wrong message.

Lost Mind is heavily soaked with secrets and fetch quests which I attribute to the increased influence of Nintendo’s “surprises” mantra. But the most important aspect is lost. There is no spectacle to draw or entice people to the product at hand. The content is shit. And worst of all, the version being developed by dimps looks waaay better! How fucked is your life!?

It is the hardcore love of “game play” that gives the wrong impression that Lost Mind will somehow end being a good game. And because of their dreams to fill the shoes of Miyamoto, an idol to all game designers, this is a habit that truly dies hard.