Category: Capcom ramblings

Hello all who… still give a damn about this blog. I am very much aware that it has been damn near centuries since I last posted. Again, I still have no computer or internet to do so. Evicted my lazy ass room mate. Aint gonna be sleeping on my damn couch watching no big tooth Steve Harvey who thinks he can offer good dating advice! Or those fake cunts on “The Real”. You ever just watch mainstream tv and think “Am I getting old or is tv becoming more obnoxious?”. These 2 shows along with Wendy “Man jaw” Williams just drives my patience through the walls!

Despite the lack of internet, I have to admit it’s actually quite… relaxing. You don’t have to deal with jackoffs just because you said a few unkind words about so and so video game they happen to think is a great achievement. I already got a few chumps up my ass about Monster Hunter I see. God damn ya’ll can type some essays! It’s this thing about having to defend every single word you write up about so and so context that gets tiring after a while that… not having to worry about it around normal people outside of digital land is not a bad trade off. Well… aside from this one guy who keeps taunting me over having a PS4. Hope you enjoy Mortal Kombat X tomorrow you lucky bastard!!! Ugh! So pissed off about the delay. Pushed back until JUNE!!!? So… many words about that.

Hell, I would have words about this “Handsome collection” that rightfully has fans outraged. I would have words about the new Star Fox being “Episodic”. I could even have words about Destiny being online only (good thing I didn’t buy back in December, eh? :P) But… I’m in a good mood. The R button on my 2DS magically un-fucked itself so yay! More Tit or Alive Dimensions on the go!

Instead, I’ll just have words on 2 games that I had been anticipating since their announcement.


Lemme tell yah, it makes no damn sense for one game to be so hard to track down. Having to traverse halfway across the county to pick up one copy is absurd. It also makes no sense to have less copies of the game distributed than Blaz fuckin Blue! Oh but I know I’ll be mauled with messages of how successful Blazblue is compared to Guilty Gear in the long run.

Anywho, after my perilous journey to find a game, I popped this bitch in actually expecting the worse. Considering what nonsense went into BlazBlue and seeing the characters that were already in this game were the “unique” ones, I figured the devs wanted to emphasis the character’s gimmicks. Come to find out, I need to stop being paranoid. Xrd plays more or less… exactly the same as previous GG titles. Meaning you’re not really missing out on anything by not playing this game.

Funny thing I noticed on the back of the box is how it advertises “a bunch of new characters”…. and you only have 3 available while 2 others are DLC. That ain’t a whole lot considering how small this roster is compared to…I think…. Accent Core was the last one? Anywho, the new characters available, Ramla…. fuck, I can’t spell that shit… the new black chick, lets just say that, is literally a button masher with 2 big ass swords and a talking head. This… “bed man”, probably the most bizarre character in any fighting game, has lots of Blazblue styled gimmicks, and Sin, another mother fucker voiced by the Frog Power Ranger. This man stays finding work! And you know the best part? All 3 of them are over-powered as shit.

While the game’s roster is tiny, I can’t be too upset. At least most of my mains are still in the game. It’s not like Smash Bros. where most of them were removed or nerfed to all hell that I can’t even marginally function in the game. I don’t quite see how this game is that much slower, however, considering some complaints were levied at the speed. About the only thing that is slower is some characters moves. You know that shit where Sol jumps at the edge of the screen and then does some bad ass “fly at you from across the screen like a boss” move? Well, it has an extra animation where if it connects, Sol will squish the opponent into the ground while burning them. Shit like that would make the game feel slower, definitely, but there’s not a whole lot of that going on. The mini cutscenes that occur after doing super moves is tiring, though. Almost makes me NOT want to use Sol’s Falcon Punch or w/e. Aside from that, w/e reduced speed there is.. is trivial at best.

There isn’t much I can say about gameplay, really. If you’ve played Guilty Gear before, nothing has changed… which is cool. It’s the same old Guilty Gear we’ve all enjoyed, now with more titties.

Everything else, though…. is fucked. I’m talking content. Xrd has practically tarnished, in my eyes, the image of this series. I’ve always imagined Guilty Gear as this series that was reminiscent of the early/mid/late 90’s anime (or the johnny come late exports from Toonami and Adult Swim) when they were still good. With a visual style and flair similar to Outlaw Star or whatnot. It had that distinct feeling to it that you got a cartoon from Japan that, while kinda fucked up, was still moderately awesome. Xrd, on the other hand, jumps on the Naruto Bandwagon and completely FUCKS whatever coolness the series had. The artwork is horrible for the mere crime of making Ky Kiske look like a bitch. The one thing I noticed was that the characters seem more over proportioned than usual. I’m used to fighting games having characters on steroids, but GG tended to break away from the norm of standard fighting game males (a little too much, eh Bridget?). Here, ASW said hell wit it and wanted to compete with Street Fighter for protein addicted character designs. Or maybe it’s just Sol looking retarded. Hell, even Chipp looks retarded. Nay.. SOUNDS retarded. Japanese fighting games pick the worst dubs, but it feels awkward for Chipp to sound like mother fucking Goku while campaigning for presidency. If that sounds awful, it gets worse. Sol’s VA desperately wants to mimmick Steven Blum (and I can’t blame him), I swear ever since I played Xillia, Jude Mathis haunts me everywhere I go as he makes Ky sound like he has allergies. I’m indifferent to Venom, but overall……FUCK!

Bad VA’s have nothing on the characters themselves. Maybe it’s my fault for implanting my own perceptions of how these characters act and what their motives are…….but seriously… why the fuck is Chipp a politician?! That is the main thing that bothers me the most about this game. There’s a lot more fucked up concepts such as Axl Low being some time traveler, Johnny being a country bumpkin, or why people seem so focused on May being Japanese. To top it off, Justice looks like a deformed Freeza. About the only “normal” character is Sol himself. What I don’t understand is why he’s baby sitting Ky’s kid. Infact… since when did Ky become a king?!

I would have hoped Story Mode would’ve elaborated on those details and more. But instead, it piles on more stupidity. Sin (Ky’s brat) “interrogates” Ramlashitforbrains…. by giving her a cheese burger. Why? I don’y know. At first, I figured she’s a bad guy who wants to destroy the world, but instead she’s just some poor soul who has to be taught the value of emotions in order to feel human… even though she’s a robot(?).

This dumb shit that Japan injects into their games feels inappropriate at the worst of times. In Guilty Gear, it’s out of place. I’d imagine that Guilty Gear was about Sol’s war against Gears and Human/Gear conflict this side of X-Men. But here, there’s so much bullshit about alternate dimensions, “That Man” being a good guy somehow, talking elderly dragons who somehow have the answer to all problems, and some illuminati type of organization wanting to take over the world. I might as well be playing Aquapazza! The Story mode is much worse than what I described, obviously cause I know fuck all about whats going on in it nor do I care enough to recall that information. The only thing going through my mind was the amount of talking in tedious government committees lazying about with exposition and analysis of details. Japan loves talking about details, apparently as their games REEK with exposition. One shouldn’t have to force themselves to stay awake during any segment of a game. This shit just cures my insomnia.

Overall, I’d say it’s an ok game as long as you make up your own head canon and divorce the story mode from your memory. My Head Canon? Sol kills Sin, Venom and Rammy fuck, and Chipp kills Hilary Clinton and takes her spot as a presidential candidate. Bam!


Capcom surprised the shit out of me back when I first played Revelations 1. That is how Resident Evil was supposed to be! None of this scripted action bullshit with 5 or 6, filled to the brim with quick time events. Rev 1 was the definitive Resident Evil experience! I’ll take that shit to grave!

No really, I will. Because Revelations 2 disappoints.

I mean… there’s a lot to like about Rev 2. It’s definitely scarier than Rev 1 and certainly plays better. And the prospect of LOCAL FUCKING COOP is always a plus… but it feels 20x more tedious than any Resident Evil game I’ve played thus far. For one, the partner system (and Coop overall) is a mess. In both 5 and 6, both characters in a given campaign have the same exact abilities as the other, with the only differences being whoever has a stick or a hole. Both characters could use guns, do finishers, etc etc. But in this game, Capcom decided to implement severe limitations to the characters abilities.

For example, one scenario has Claire Redfield and Moira Burton as playable characters. Claire can use fire arms and follow up attacks, but cannot open barred door or chests with special locks. Moira, on the other hand, is “afraid” of using guns, meaning she can’t use them… at all, and is stuck with a crowbar, meaning her combat potential is limited as fuck. But she can do all the other things Claire can’t. Forced Coop Emphasis… engaged! Follow-up attacks, btw, are only available when you have successfully stunned an enemy. But early on, only Moira has the ability to stun enemy, while Claire can do a follow up attack, and only Moira can do finishers. Finishers, btw, are moves you can use on enemies that are laid out on the ground. Knowing this , you can see how frustrating it is trying to get a groove together in kicking some ass. Sure, you’re not really supposed to be kicking ass, you’re supposed to run the fuck away from enemies. Don’t mind if I do! But if you’re gonna have combat abilities from the last 4 games, don’t hamper them in some vain attempt to emphasize cooperation. It’s silly that both Claire and Moira don’t have similar abilities in THAT instance. I could forgive the whole crowbar thing and unlocking chests because yeah, who cares… but follow up attacks and finishers being exclusive to certain characters is pushing it.

Oh, but that’s not even the worst part. See, at least Moira HAS some combat ability and is infact more useful than Claire in a throwdown. Another scenario has Barry Burton and some little girl called Natalia. Little Girl… IE… no combat ability… whatsoever. So for the most part… Barry can do follow up attacks and finishers all by himself. Natalia really can’t do shit. She is psychic and can detect where enemies are as well as enemy weakpoints, but it’s really goddamned tedious having to switch between 2 characters just to see enemy locations and weakspots, or put all the pressure on player 2 to do all recon shit while Player 1 has all the fun doing the shit mopping. Or not. Barry is a slave to Natalia’s information while Barry does all the dirty work. Otherwise, Natalia is a damned liability, and if it’s coop, equates to a most tedious gameplay experience. It’s not real coop as it just feels tacky and slow.

Then there’s the game’s length which is attributed to the fact that Capcom went into the trend of Episodic nonsense before releasing a full game. It’s 4 episodes long and while each episode is lengthy, I feel it has more to do with it’s incredibly slow pace and obvious padding rather than actually being long. There’s a lot of unnecessary back tracking to go through during the 4th episode and in particular, a LOT of goddamned puzzles! I should’ve known better than to expect a game with limited character abilities to not have this bullshit, but here they are. Not only is the coop and puzzles dumb, but even some areas in the game demand you spin your wheels until you get around an obstacle. Episode 4 again has a section with poison gas that you need to make sure you don’t stay under for too long or else you’ll pass out. Unfortunately, the game doesn’t really give you the option to stay out of it. Infact, the game even demands you walk SLOWLY in the shit unless you want to risk waking up 2 of the most powerful enemies in the whole game. Yes, Barry’s segment has lots of stealth segments (IE boredom incarnate) and you have to walk slowly… in poison gas. It’s obnoxious game design like this that makes me afraid of touching any game in the “adventure” category, but never expected to see that kind of shit in Resident Evil. It’s a wonder why this game is so tedious in the first place and makes the notion of a second playthrough laughable.

On the other hand, there’s Raid Mode. Since no one plays Resident Evil for survival Horror anymore, the Raid Mode in this game is actually pretty damn good. This time around, Player 2 isn’t some liability and can have fun blasting gooey zombie guts all over the world. And holy shit… you can actually UNLOCK things again! I would’ve sworn Capcom would’ve worked some of their asshole DLC schemes in here… but no… you’re allowed to work… for your unlockables! Tears of fucking Joy, I tell you! Raid Mode saved this game from hitting the Bomba bin shelves at Gamestop. The requirements for unlocking characters and costumes is steep, but man, is it ever awesome!? Raid Mode isn’t that different from the last game aside from actual coop, character abilities, and… well, some element of tedium was worked in here as well. In Rev 1, you had the option of equipping parts to a gun to boost it’s stats or give it special abilities. Rev 2… that doesn’t change. What did was the option to remove parts without a catch. See now, once you’ve equipped a part, you can’t just take it off. It’s STUCK! If you want to remove the part, you either have to destroy the part (permanently erasing it for 1000 bucks) or destroy the gun to get the part back (permanently erasing the gun for… 4000 bucks). I have no idea why they implemented such an asshole change to weapon upgrades if not just to make the game more tedious than need be, especially since now you have elemental bullet upgrades from RE3 making a comeback, this new upgrade system is a bitch to deal with.

Story is also a mixed bag. In this game, both Claire and Moira were kidnapped and sent to an Island where they’ve been injected with a virus that changes them if they get too scared…… right. Barry just goes to the island to see if his baby Moira is alright while having to baby sit Natalia. I’ll say one thing. Rev 2 is fucking disturbing. Enemies are creepier than ever before, you’re constantly in dark areas, you’ve invisible assholes, and baby dolls cover the interior of a cave…..creepy. On the other hand, the villain’s actual plot is kinda stupid. Since the game is pretty recent, I suppose I won’t spoil anything…. but she wants to put her brain in a prepubescent body. Like I said… creeeeeepy.

Overall, if you don’t mind tedious ass games and want Resident Evil to be scary again, you can’t go wrong with Rev 2. And it’s cheap, too! $40 ain’t shit! Just keep in mind that Episode 4 sucks and Raid Mode rules.

And with that, I return to my hiatus and my grief over MKX’s delay. Ohhhhhhh…. it hurts so much…Fuck all ya’ll PS4 owners 😐


(random thoughts: Great, so they ARE exporting Sonic Boom to the Japanese under the name of “Sonic Toon“. LOL)

Gloom and doom.

I’m beginning to ponder exactly just how many people Capcom have severely pissed off in the last couple of years. Everyone seems to be looking at this bit of news in “joyous movement” or passive “oh well”. Course, you could put me in the latter.

Out of all companies, I’m also in the camp of saying Nintendo could benefit greatly from buying up Capcom considering having exclusive rights to 3 of their popular franchises (Street Fighter, Monster Hunter, Resident Evil) would boost the fuck out of their Pii U….. ok, I can’t lie like that, people would commit mass suicide if that were to ever happen. But, they’re the only ones who have the capital to do so. Hope they can deal with buying their debt as well.

But that would be horrible news if they did. I don’t think anyone wants Nintendo in their current state to buy any developer with a modicum of talent. ….. though in this case, buying Capcom would keep those blood suckers from tainting Sega any further. Hmm…

Well, they did say “sacrifices have to be made”. 😛 …….But Mega Man X will no longer exist O_O. And worst yet… no sequel to this.

Oh that glorious ass

Physical games are still preferred.

This looks smexy

I could see the demand for digital increasing simply because digital games happen to be of higher quality than the current crop of physical media we get today. Shit, one look at Capcom’s catalog would tell you their digital Duck Tales game is a helluva lot better than their RE6 mantra. Even SF2HD is hotter than SF4. Sega? Definitely digital. Namco? Tag 2 doing worse than Revolution is strange enough as it is.

Even then, there is a strong desire to keep physical copies of what people buy. The sense of ownership (people like owning crap), the ability to let people “borrow” a game, actual refunds outside of EA, and a reduced chance of burning out Sony’s piece of shit harddrives. So if the physical games are gonna be the same long drawn out pieces of hollywood pandering bullshit like the Last of Us, Heavy Rain, Animu driven bullocks like Skyward Sword, Tales of Xillia, or any game that sends people running toward that damn Madden franchise, the demand for digital is only going to get bigger. Especially since the “core gamer” population is decreasing.

Unfortunately, we can’t expect much when the “biggest game of the launch years” is some shit called Watch Dogs. Thugs with a Batman complex FTW.

That said, why does everyone keep yapping about Steam so much?

Yurugu’s influence is strong.

Sega Sammy reported a mild drop in profits in the last fiscal year compared to its previous year and poor sales of packaged games in its consumer business segment, spurring the company to pour more resources into launching mobile and free-to-play games in the coming year.

The company reported that sales of boxed games like Total War: Rome II and Football Manager 2014 were disappointing, but took pains to highlight the favorable performance of digital games like Phantasy Star Online 2 and mobile games like Chain Chronicle.

To that end the company plans to launch 43 new digital games in the coming fiscal year, 30 of which will be free-to-play titles. The company will also be working to convert properties that have traditionally been sold as packaged games to digital products.

Look at this fantastic nonsense. 30 F2P games in a year. 

You know the similarity between Sega and Capcom? Both their retail games have been underwhelming on all fronts, especially Sega. Have they managed to sell ANY retail games since 2005? Lack of quality and awareness be damned. With the exception of maybe the vocaloid nonsense, I can’t see Sega having any good times at the best buy. But the quick fix solution is to go digital now. According to the whole word, digital sales are spiking upwards, reaching the heavens and soaring above the world.

Course, when you look at Sega’s output in comparison to their retail releases…

Even with it’s bullshit “No Dpad” gameplay


Their digital output is genuinely better than their retail games. And that usually seems to be the case. Digital games take after more “Arcadey” games than retail titles (with the exception of those shitty F2p Namco fighters) than their literal computer brethren, so seeing as they get more attention is obvious.

F2P, however, is a business model that has come under fire for numerous occassions, mostly because the insidious methods publishers have used to get you to pony up. As I’ve stated from my experiences with F2P MMOs, usually if you go free, you are fucked for the majority of the game. You will be severely underpowered for everything, and you will never get to experience a majority of the game’s perks without paying (Or Ntreev is such a bastard company that it certainly seems that way). I remember playing Dungeon Fighter and never having as much frustration as I did with Grand Chase, not to mention the community wasn’t a bunch of fuckwits that wanted to show off it’s stats.

Sega isn’t a company I would trust with any kind of F2P model or MMO models in general (and before anyone asks, no I don’t play Phantasy Star over the internet). Considering they’ve had one digital/mobile game (Kingdom Conquest?) where they only gave one region their most godly equipment while everyone else got screwed. “Good luck with that PVP environment, Baka Gaijin“!

Personal experiences aside, I can’t see how they plan to manage 30 different F2P games all at once. Sure, they’ve bought an assload of developers out, but outside of the PSO2 team and the Total War devs, pulling this off without a hitch seems fallible.

You know, over time, when you get older you start to realize that most games you enjoyed in your youth aren’t all they’re really cracked up to be. Infact, you’d think you were brain dead retarded when you first loved them. I know the feeling from countless N64 games (Don’t know what I saw in Space Station Silicon Valley).

Often times, for the sake of being “brutally honest” (a euphemism for “controversy baiting”), several reviewers, bloggers, and even journalists will outright attack what is deemed a “sacred cow” in the hardcore world. Xplay went out on a limb and said FF7 sucked just to generate hate mail. Square tards used to be that easy to rile up back then. Unfortunately, you never see anyone rip any of these games to shreds. These are games that are damn near immune to criticism but could be some of the biggest pieces of shit to grace a gaming device.

Lets be frank here, I love Treasure Inc. They’ve made some of the best action games in the history of action gamedom, from Alien Soldier to Mischief Makers and even Sin and Punishment 2 on the Wii. Hell, even Bangai-O has it’s moments. But when it came to the GBA, their output equated to an inert brick. If you’re not a fan of slowdown, the GBA was not the portable to own, but those problems seemed quadrupled when Treasure is around. Or more specifically when they’re being jerked around by the assholes at SegaSammy. Here’s an idea folks, how about not making a game that looks too damn blurry to see!

I’ve hated games that scrolled the screen too fast for you to notice any nearby enemies and while GSH isn’t that bad about it, combined with muddy ass sprites and enemies that blend a little too well with the scenery (even without matching colors!) becomes a piece of fecal matter and a peanut. A pain in my ass. But lets not forget about the combat, the one element that was supposedly improved in this sequel where your character is given melee attacks that feel more tacked on than they feel practical. While you’re flying around the room showing off your wire fu, enemies are free to fire away with their guns and turrets knocking you on your chaps, crying for relief along the way.

But don’t worry. Combat is still relatively fun… when you’re actually in combat. The jackoffs at SegaSammy had a sip of Nintendo’s vanity juice and decided to cram in several of their unmemorable arcade games. After Burner only works when you’re able to move your game character, Sega! Not just rotating the screen to avoid 2-dimensional missiles that make depth perception impossible to discern. When you’re not doing that, you have little chickens to find in a disorientating forest that for some goddamn reason ROTATES when you move! Not only is this a fetch quest, it’s a spinning labyrinth that you get lost in even though it’s tiny! And how many people actually enjoyed Flicky!? It was a crappy arcade game that Sega seems to adore, they shoved it into so many unnecessary games like Sonic 3D Blast and Mega Collection. Here’s, it’s a much greater pain in the ass when you’ve got enemies who can knock your collection of future KFC prey back onto the map and then you’re back to finding them all over again. FUN RIGHT!? Ah, but then there’s a top down version of Sega’s “Thunder…. name I can’t remember”. Here, you’re in a chopper dealing with walls and tiny ass enemies and bullets you have no real means of avoiding. This segment is a glorified endurance test. It’s slow, it’s very tedious, and takes up more time than the whole level itself.

For a game that’s listed as a “run and gun” game, you spend more time NOT running and is instead chained to some arbitrary minigame shitfest like the board game that should never have returned from the original game! Here’s a nice concept, if you’re at the finish line and you roll a number bigger than the amount of spaces you need, you go to a garbage dump! What do you here? You play Mr. Driller with a Desert Eagle. You fail, you die and start over. You succeed? You… start the fuck over anyway. What a genius idea! Create a minigame based around CHANCE… and create a reward and punishment based on events that are completely out of control! Hey Capcom, tired of leaps forward in fun factor for Devil May Cry 4!? Well get ready to take a step back to the world of Gunstar for ideas in how to piss off your fans!

That’s all this game is. 30% run and gun, 70% w/e bullshit these bastards have in store for you! Good thing it’s short! Right? RIGHT!?

What a fucking pile! I’ve been a staunch detractor of the “puzzle platformer fetch quest” fad that successfully died around 2003, but for good reason, Banjo Kazooie sticks out like a sore thumb. Mainly because I got a video copy of this game’s trailer in the mail that spelled out all the nuances of this nonsense. Most shit stain platformers at least came with decent attacks that didn’t feel awkward in 3D. Even Mario Sunshine has better combat! You know how we evolve Mario 64’s combat system? How about we give these characters a shit load of moves that eat away at their supplies!? A platforming game with the micromanagement BS we’ve dealt with from games like Resident Evil and every RPG in existence! You need red feathers just to fly and do crazy shit, gold feathers to make you invincible, eggs just to use your one and only useful attack in the game, shooting and shitting at enemies!

9 of the most uninspired worlds in the history of gaming. You get some random mountainside, a beach, a sewer, a swamp, a snow place, a desert, a haunted house, a ship harbor, and a forest that became the inspiration for Zelda Oracle of Seasons. At the same time, at least most other platformers had sensible explanations for how characters could travel to different worlds. Mario 64 had magical paintings, Vexx had portals, Jak and Daxter is really just one big open world island. Gruntilda’s mountain just has… caves and pipes. All of which you had to piece together several puzzle pieces just to fucking access! Great, so when I get said number of puzzle pieces, I now have access to the next world… no I don’t! Unfortunately, there’s this arbitrary door in my way that says I need a large ass number of music notes just to progress! Holy shit, 2 SEPARATE MACGUFFINS TO LOOK FOR! Double the fetch quest obviously means double the fun! What a bunch of dicks, you require 2 separate sets of items to progress through the game. Collecting puzzle pieces just wasn’t enough for these sadistic bastards, now I have another relic bundle to keep track of while I revisit the same locations over and over just to find shit.

And what is all of this for!? To save Banjo’s little sister? Why was she captured!? Because this wicked witch needs tootie’s beauty to not look ugly as hell. I’m sorry, this girl is like… 7 years old at best, w/e beauty she has, it hasn’t bloomed an inch. At least Crash Bandicoot’s sister had jail bait status. And even after you save the tramp after a torture test of a board game, the game still isn’t over. No! You have to find even more puzzle pieces just to fight the final boss herself in what can be explained as my entire reasoning behind why multi-part boss fights suck ass these days. There’s like 5 friggin parts to this whole fight!

Banjo Kazooie has always been undeserving of it’s praise and only seemed to gain it because  western 3D platformers were immensely popular for simply being in 3 fucking D! The late 90s was the industry glorifying western platformers as if to claim some sort of triumph in carving a niche of fans that stuck around in a much shorter time than Mega Man’s relevancy. There’s a reason why barely anyone recalls the late 90s 3D platformer saturation, and Banjo’s utter stupidity is proof fucking positive.

3D Platformers are nothing more than glorified Adventure games with an emphasis on exploration to find crap rather than actual challenge. Unfortunately, the western industry is so in love with the adventure genre, they renamed it “Triple A” just to hype that piece of shit genre up.

Of all the rage I spent pissing away on “Into the Nexus”, I’m actually quite glad that my first entries were a bad spinoff and Tools of Destruction. If I had played the first game… first, then I’d never come back to the series. If I played 2 afterward, I would treat Ratchet and Clank the same way I treat Jak and Daxter. Going Commando couldn’t possibly get away with “most tedious Ratchet game in existence” as All 4 One still exists, but going so far as to consider how massively underpowered you will feel through out the course of the game is a start. Damage scaling and ammo starvation create a sense of non-badassery as you find yourself NOT engaging against enemy hostiles and spending more time scavenging for supplies. No matter how many times I upgrade my weapons, they are still no match for the thugs4less enemies that seem more overpowered than the spiders in Devil May Cry.

Why did the first 2 Ratchet games make you afraid of engaging enemies? Especially since the sequel boasted about it’s improved combat system, we didn’t see any actual improvements until the best game in the series, Up Your Arsenal. What you get are weapons that feel like they can do something which seems to only piss off your enemies, and improved controls which is most appreciated (oy, did I just use the “A” word!?). When the game isn’t busy not being shit, it gives you enemies that will completely decimate you with reckless abandon. How fucked is your life when you’re staring down a bridge filled with nigh-impervious tanks? You have lots of ammo deposits emptied where by you have to buy more ammo later on because good luck finding that shit in the wild. Insomniac couldn’t seem to remove the bullet sponge effect as damage scaling in this game was unbalanced. When you have only 2 weapons that are truly useful for anything in the later half the game, you know it’s fucked. At least when the game allows you to use your weapons. There’s one boss fight in the city in which you have to run around and find turrets just to kill a giant robot boss whom you can only seem to tickle. This fight literally took me 20 minutes because I CAN’T UPGRADE RANDOM FUCKING TURRETS!

Ah, but there’s the plot. The first game was compelling enough to see Ratchet and Clank work out their differences to stop a corporate wanker who schemed to destroy the planets of POOR people in order to funnel more money into his bank account. How do you beat that? Why… by making smirf looking Venonats as the game’s new bunches of enemies! I’m wrapping my head around who in the green fuck thought this was a good plot! The only significant aspect of the game was Qwark’s asshattery, but beyond that, this was one game that everyone could skip. Play Up Your Arsenal after the first game, you would barely notice the details.

Say kids, you like execution complexity? Well get ready for a time when fighting game developers knew jack shit about accessibility like oh Idk CAPCOM, the same company that thought using 6 button inputs was a good idea. Of course, everyone would be able to get a handle on the control layout, but slap that shit into CPS2 and prepare for pain. Virtua Fighter players would blush at SFA3’s execution.

Why is it that more than half the roster of characters are practically unplayable? Could be because some of their worst moves are configured to 3 different button inputs? Shit like Guile’s somersault strike super is enough to make any grown man cry at his bleeding palms. What psychopath figured it was a good idea to configure a super motion to a charge DownBack motion, and then rapidly fire DownForward, DownBack, UpForward, Kick just to pull off a most unimpressive super attack that could’ve just been easily configured as a DownForward 2x motion? Apparently the crazy fucks at Capcom! These bastids have move executions that really aren’t befitting of the end result, and the charge times on some of these moves are often too long to be useful.

But that’s got nothing on the  gutted Alpha Counter system which is so utterly worthless, it’s not even considered a viable strategy. Along with SC5’s Gutted Impact system, Alpha Counters were unintuitive little shits and giggles where you use up meter just to counter what is essentially a move that would probably not be too dangerous. Reason it’s not recommened is because you fucking need your meter. Street Fighter turned into micromanagement fighter where keeping a watchful eye on your meter became more important than the actual fight, where players would fly around the room whiffing their attacks just to build up enough meter to use their AWESOME SUPER POWERS! That said, why waste Alpha Counters on moves when chip damage doesn’t have that much risk when meter building is just too important!? Not to mention the damage dealt is completely ass in comparison to Alpha 2. Or how about the beginning of the end for rewarding play with the introduction of guard crushes!? You know when fighting games actually required a little defensive tactics every now and then to ensure that you don’t die? Yeah, for some reason developers thought this was problematic and decided “lets change that shit up so there will be more offensive play in mind” which means jack shit for characters with charge motions

I have no clue why Capcom made so many alterations to Alpha 3, maybe they were trying to pound the idea into your head that this is a new game, and to get their point across, they’ve thrown out what works and made illogical changes out of spite. 2 buttons throws are ass, Guard Meter punishes defensive play

Even if you manage to learn any of the overtly inaccessible characters, all of your efforts will be meaningless in the face of Akuma, or more specifically V-ism Akuma. When he’s not busy being the wetdream of every loud mouth kid online in SF4. Akuma is such a one-dimensional character that I’m really not that shocked and angered by his repeat usage anymore, but back then, this bitch was merciless. For those that live in a cave, V-ism gives you custom combos or “gay ass after-images that hurt people”. Activating it means you will dominate almost 100% of the time. Why? Could be thanks to the immense juggling properties the Vism possesses, the Tekken retards would be calling for help. But in the hands of Akuma, you might as well forget the concept of winning. Akuma has always been an overpowered shit stain, but Vism takes his already high-damage and priority moves and amps them up to disproportionate levels. If it’s not VAkuma, it’s the retard FGC that would be in a hurry to find a youtube video of Vakuma losing to a low tier character just to show that Vakuma is somehow not overpowered.

And why wouldn’t you use Vakuma? The roster of characters (being nigh inaccessible) are just boring characters in general. You have characters from an old relic called Final Fight whom’s ass was thoroughly kicked by the supremacy of Streets of Rage. You get Guy and Cody, but then you get 2 total nobodies from the Mad Gear gang. Joy! The highlight of the Alpha series was drawing connections to an old beat em up for no reason other than to have them in the series. Then you get Rainbow Mika who was possibly only added to have a Zangeif with boobs and a stink face move. Other retarded character choices are Karin who is a rich girl and rival to Sakura. WOW! Foreshadowing the irrelevancy of Asuka and Lily in Tekken! Alpha 3 has the most boring and uninteresting roster of characters ever to grace any fighting game second only to Virtua Fighter. Not to mention it’s some prequel so obviously characters look younger in order to appease Japan’s obsession with youth.

Capcom has a nasty habit of creating fighting games with uninteresting characters with the exception of the Marvel vs Series where they practically had no choice but to use all the cool bits for the game. But SFA3 is crammed with no one you want to use. Unfortunately, this trend continued with SF3 and 4.

Speaking of that obsession with youth, here’s another damn prequel starring a high school student named Dante! At least… he looks like one.

Along with Capcom’s obsession with origin stories, this one covers the tale of how Vergil became a boss encounter in the first game, something we can’t help to give no fucks about. Which is ironic given that the only game in the series that has the best narrative unfortunately becomes the least enjoyable entry in the entire series.

Lets take a simplified control scheme from DMC2, a game that is a guilty pleasure of mine, and screw that up with some awkward “style” system which nerfs the dodge function by adding delay and long recovery times while limiting it to a style that gets no other perks like the other 3 styles, one built for sword combos, one built for special gun attacks I think, and another for counter attacks. You know what would be better? Having the ability to switch between all different functions on the fly! I can’t stand games where you’re limited to using certain functions until you’ve completed a level where the option to switch becomes available, or find little nodes in between levels to do so from there.

I haven’t seen where people were so fed up with the difficult aside from 2 boss battles. Agni & Rudra, and motherfucking Vergil. Ok Fine, Vergil’s the main antagonist. He’s supposed to do all the asskicking, but if you needed proof that 3D and action games don’t mix, then look no further than DMC3’s camera and the need to fight 2 bosses at once! And not just any pair of bosses, you’re fighting kung fu legends. 2 big ass statues that took some classes from Hwang from Soul Calibur who decided to use DMC3’s shit camera to their advantage all the while having superior blocking, dodging, and counter attack measures all the while sporting super moves like fiery tornadoes. Wish I could do all that at once, but I don’t have a node on hand, and because you assholes are so cheap, I couldn’t bare facing you 2 without my nerfed evasive maneuver from a previous title! Who the hell thought this was a great idea? DMC is already a difficult enough series, but putting in 2 bosses in a microscopic room with enough clutter to throw you off isn’t my idea of fun.

Infact, the whole game isn’t even fun. Combat becomes a boring chore by the time all the enthusiasm you had for making “sweet looking combos” goes the way of  vapor, and the game goes into that “Adventure” bullshit in which you have so much backtracking on hand. You could easily get lost in this game thanks to every area being copy/pasted horse piss as well as having the most unintuitive map and saving system ever. A game where you can easily get lost and not have a viable save function is a double negative, having boss battles that take longer than 10 minutes is a triple negative. The fact that this tween Dante appears in MVC3 over the superior DMC2 awesomeness Dante is a quadruple negative! It’s not compelling, it cannot engage you, it’s combat is even more dull than DMC2’s spammy pistol-whippin fest, it has no convenient game flow, and is a much worse DMC4 gameplay wise.

Trying to go back to playing Metroid 3 is an exercise in boredom. The only thing this game has is atmosphere, although with the existence of REmake on the gamecube, Revelations on 3DS and HD, and even Metroid Prime 1 & 2, Metroid 3 has aged about as well as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gut.

The first 2 games in the series promoted exploration through choice rather than requirement in which the games possessed items that weren’t mandatory to your progress through the game. Imagine not needing to have the long beam or the screw attack in order to progress, you didn’t have a bazillion fucking obstacles in your way basically shoving into your face that you need X item to progress beyond this point! People have suggested that Aonuma Zelda was guilty of having mechanical overworlds that advertised mandatory items to progress, but all that bullshit started with this game. How many green and yellow doors do I have to pass up before I can find the only blue/red door in the whole corridor? Oh, you wanna bomb this wall to discover a secret passage? Well fuck you loser, you need FLASH boots for this bitch!

You weren’t arbitrarily locked out of an area until you found the appropriate item in the original Metroid (all you needed were missiles for red doors), but for some reason Nintendo seems to think spinning your wheels is an acceptable form of entertainment, which would explain how enabled Aonuma seems to be with all the shitty elements contained in recent Zelda games. How lazy is the “item renting” feature in that shit?

How incredibly obnoxious of the Space Pirates to point out their own little security flaws in order to delay their inevitable destruction? And I mean that literally, this game is piss easy. If not for having stiffer controls than a Classicvania game, you would be able to nuke the entire cartridge in less than an hour. Then again, there’s Phantoon. Fuck Phantoon. That is all.

And for a game that could’ve been described as Survival Horror, it’s not at all scary! It’s got the eerie music and dangerous caverns, but for what it’s worth, it could’ve been a simple remake of the original. Monsters aren’t at all terrifying beyond how tedious they are to deal with. As long as you have enough missiles and super missiles on hand, there is nothing that can stand in your way. There is very little challenge in this game beyond getting lost and a couple handful of boss battles that a lot of times you won’t expect.

If I had to describe my experience with Xenoblade chronicles, I would say I was deluded in a vain attempt to wash out the bad taste Skyward Sword left in my mouth. This game might as well cost 20 bucks.

As a game where you walk around big ass worlds, it rocks as people love to travel. As a game for fun, though, it has virtually no lasting appeal. All of this due to the game’s combat system which is virtually on autopilot for the entirety of the game. If you loved FF7’s RTB system for w/e pantshitting reason, you will fall in love with this game. Don’t expect combat to feel like anything more than a chore as you could pretty WATCH how the game plays out as the characters can fight for themselves. Oh you can use certain skills to increase your chances of winning, but does that really help? Of course not. The most you can do to not die is position yourself where the enemies can’t hurt you, and this is difficult to figure out as specific enemies might have certain effects that you’ll never really know until it’s too late and your teammates start falling one by one.

This would prompt you to use strategy. What kind? Why you keep the fuck away from enemies and do a plethora of shopping lists for lazy NPC’s. And believe me, this is what the majority of your time will be spent doing in Xenoblade Chronicles. Completing the game’s wretched amount of quests simply to gain money and experience points, essentially being a power-leveling fest where you don’t even have to worry about a little thing called “strategy”. But that’s cool, I guess. I certainly wouldn’t want to have to grind by playing these boring ass battle sequences over and over again simply by walking up to enemies and watching my characters hit them.

The story, which lets be real is the only reason people bother playing RPGs in the first place, is actually quite a thrilling revenge story where the main character’s assbitch gets murdered by giant robots… only to come back as a robot herself. Then the story starts going into random mythology nonsense about “Telethia” and some shit called “Zanza”, it gets to the point that the game starts focusing on psychic pokemon that wishes to eat the human race. The story plunges head long into animuville and becomes far too unrealistic for anyone’s taste. It’s got this huge prologue about 2 giant statues fighting each other, then dying where their bodies start sprouting life where 2 different races exist, then it dumps that shit for a race of people with wings on their heads who completely take over the story! I don’t care about these wing cap mother fuckers turning into Green Dialga’s!

Out of all the Rainfall games, Xenoblade is considered a must have, but honestly speaking, The Last Story deserves more attention than it got. It has a REAL combat system, FAR more interesting characters and content, and a much cooler villain who isn’t some nerdy scientist that inexplicably became god for no reason.

Dishonorable mentions go to:

Super Paper Mario
Metroid Prime 3
The Medal of Honor series
The Sims
Dig Dug
NBA Hangtime
Gex: Enter the Gecko
GoldenEye 64
Castlevania Symphony of the Night

Since I’ve practically run out of topics to talk about until that damn E3, I might as well give some insight on games that people should be playing on these HD consoles. Keep in mind, these are the only games you should ever give a damn about…. EVER.

And later on, games I thought were good, but I know you’ll hate anyway. And yes,  I tried to sound like “Honest Trailers”.

Hey kids! Tired of those action games that treat themselves like hardcore nut rides with stories that pretend to be the deepest piles of mess while still trotting out big tits in the form of serious, cocky or emotionally fragile women? Are you fed up with lists of crappy combos that you’re more or less required to learn to defeat only a fraction of the enemies in the game? do you tire of action games that remove any semblance of player choice in favor of living out the wild visions of their creators while still having some thought-provoking (read: pretentious) narratives!? WELL, KONAMI HAS THE GAME FOR YOU!

Imagine a game that allows you to make your own combos and attacks that are effective against enemies regardless of how you approach them… unless they’re boss fights. A game where stealth sections can be completely ignored because you’re too goddamn awesome for that pussy footing shit that Solid Snake and Sam Fischer have to go through because they aren’t bad ass cybrid ninjas! A game where you can awesome across streams of missiles, run down the side of a building, across a burning bridge, fly through collapsing sky scrapers, and mess someone’s suit up after midnight, and then… walk like you’re on crack because your character realized he’s just so goddamn awesome anyway! Metal Gear Rising is the game for you! If you want to truly feel bad ass with out the need of arbitrary and complex lists of useless combos, you won’t need to worry. This game is the REAL 3D version of Ninja Gaiden without the stupid mechanics of number 3…. and unfortunately without the motion controlled bewbs of the 2nd and 3rd game that totally made you feel all tingly down unda!

Meet Raiden, the guy everyone hated in MGS2 for trolling fans who wanted to play Solid Snake, and instead played a character that was meant to make teenage girls wetter than Robert Pattinson! Now he’s back in a last ditch attempt at making Raiden an appealing character! By making him ugly and “dark and mysterious“. Now he trades in his aaaaabs for cybernetic body parts and cybernetic high heels! Sound gay? Totally, but don’t worry, those are just for gripping his sword…. with his fucking feet! Homophobia has never felt so beast!

Feel like the world’s greatest bad ass until the game removes that option and makes you get beaten up by a Mexican. Jetstream Sam who is totally everyone’s favorite character. Journey across Africa, the Middle East, Russia, and America in order to uncover a government conspiracy that everyone is completely aware of. Wars are being started to restart the American Economy… or to bankrupt the American Economy… and burn it down? Who cares how stupid the plan is or why they’re kidnapping children from across the world to use them as future cybernetic warriors in a subplot that is completely ditched by the last half of the game, but gets more relevance than the “Deleter” sub plot from Metroid Other M! And if you’ve never liked Colossus from the X-Men, then it’s your lucky day as he’s the final boss, combined with a random bag of fire powers and fights like a Dragon Ball Z character! Holy nut balls this game is awesome!


You have no idea how ironic it is that I’m listing this game. Having dissed it in the past, I am looking for the nearest shoe to eat it.

Get ready for a fighting game that has no learning curve whatsoever, but takes a little more effort than Tatsunoko vs Capcom, especially if you’re a fan of Zero (you little bitch)! Persona Arena is the game for you!

Created by the masters of Guilty Gear and… the retards of Blazblue, comes a fighting game with a little mix of both! Get ready for a move list so accessible, you won’t believe you’re playing a fighting game! Every special move is activated by Quarter Circles or just randomly mashing buttons! It’s the 2D Bloody Roar you… or at least I’ve always wanted! Based on the really shitty RPG series comes a game where the creators finally learned that RPGs suck, and fighting games are completely superior! If you’re a fan of Jojo’s Bizarre on the CPS3 emulator, then here’s a skimmed down version of it! A game with only 2 attack buttons and 2 Stand attacks, where every character has only one special move! Just kidding, but it will seem that way if you played Yu Naka… something!

Get ready for a fighting game that doesn’t take itself seriously and gives every character a nickname! Sister Complex King Pin of Carnage! The Protein Junky! The Snow Black!And The Beast in Heat! And I totally didn’t make that last one up! Prepare yourself for a soundtrack reminiscent of Capcom vs SNK 1 and 2, but only mass destruction stands out!

A fighting game that’s just as fast as Guilty Gear, with enough nuances to make a superior Blazblue game, and an inviting control scheme without the stupid shit developers do to “balance out” the easy to do special attacks. And a TEDDY BEAR as a fighting game character…. that totally sucks ass! And you should feel bad for playing him. Finally, a real Aksys game to tie you over until Xrd comes out for the West!

PERSONA 4 ARENA! Man, who knew an animu fighter could actually be fun for a change? And no real DLC schemes like characters on the disc? Who’da thunk it? Who would pay for sunglasses on their characters though?

Prepare for more irony! From the company that ruined gaming forever comes the game that surprisingly didn’t ruin the Marvel vs Capcom franchise!

Are you ready for a game that easily compensates for the cutting of awesome characters like Venom, Cyclops, and Gambit… with Dante, Docter Strange, and mother….fucking….Ghost Rider!? Then prepare for a fighting game that didn’t have the decency to keep Captain Commando and still not be disappointing! A game that is surprisingly just as fast as Marvel vs Capcom 2 while still making unnecessary changes like Spiderman’s Web Swing into a Dragon Punch motion! Get ready for a Deadpool so obnoxiously unfunny, it borders on destroying the character worse than Fox or Highnoon studious could hope to accomplish!

Get ready for Vergil, the villain that made you rage in Devil May Cry 3, to once again rage at how cheap he is… unless you main Felicia from Darkstalkers where you can troll everyone with her rising…. flying kick… move? The only real bad news is that Gay ass Zero returns from Tatsunoko vs Capcom to make your life a living hell once more! And Thor has a special move where all he does is talk shit as long as you hold down the button! A game that has half the cast from the Avengers, and X-23 for no reason except to have another Wolverine with bewbs!

So strap in to get over the confusing control scheme and get ready for more striker spamming action than ever before! With a Wolverine who’s dialog is awesome enough to contain “Swiss Cheese!”, and a Spiderman who sounds lamer than Toby McGuire! A fighting system so accessible, button mashing newbs can actually kick your ass worse than they would in Soul Calibur 5! And the game is still surprisingly fun as long as you stay offline… forever! Resist the annoying prompts and forever go local!

ULTIMATE MARVEL VS CAPCOM 3! Seriously, the on-disc DLC isn’t even available anymore to purchase? Way to go game industry. Now I have no way to access the content on my disc… period!

Pssh… I wish I would recommend this mug

Are you ready to punch foes into Red Mist!? Then get ready to NOT Joy puke your face off with that tedious ass sequel!

A first Person Shooter so by the numbers, it actually plays well, and the loot is actually good for once!

Meet Roland, the character that apparently got a stick up his ass in the sequel and became less funny. With a scorpio turret so broken, it literally destroys enemies faster than Mordecai’s stupid bird! With a dick so big, it attracts every white woman in the sequel, including his bottom bitch Lilith, a character with the creepiest face design ever, and devilish looking yellow eyes that stare into your very soul, and none of the male players would mind, the perverts.

Then, get ready to snipe with Mordecai, the arrogant expert who becomes a drunken retard in the sequel. And Brick, the berserker with a mouth who remained awesome in the sequel.

A game so forgiving, even dying is actually funny! Get ready for deserts, junkywards, factories, caves, more junkyards, more…. deserts, snowy mountain ranges with the most annoying aliens you’ll ever face off against. If you hated Claptrap, then prepare to love him and his entire entourage of lovable robots who cry in pain for your help, giving you nostalgia of Wall-E’s cute ass! DAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW…. isn’t enough to describe these woobee mother fuckers! Experience Scooter before the stroke happened, and marvel at how much better he sounded! Witness the awesome power of the Atlas Corporation that is in many ways inferior and superior to Hyperion like… having better human troops… and worse robot troops. General Knoxx, a character who could totally kick Wilheim’s ass, is the most hilarious Borderland’s character of all time!

Are you ready for a story that is non-existent or even intrusional? Then prepare yourself for more milder humor that doesn’t try to force memes onto the internet. Get ready for corrosive weapons that are so overpowered, you’ll wonder what Gearbox was thinking for nerfing the shit out of them for the sequel! You won’t believe your eyes when you can open up a locker and find legendary weapons that aren’t simply there for show! No! They… actually… KILL ENEMIES!

So strap in for zombies, way too difficult underground arenas, and the opportunity to kill Claptraps, you sadistic bastard!

BORDERLANDS. Better get the GOTY edition at a gamestop near you. Hehe, idiots.

Honorable Mention: MORTAL KOMBAT 9. If you don’t have this game, then in the words of Reggie Fils Amie “What’s wrong with you!?”. Unless you have kids. Sucker.

…But in all seriousness, these are, in my perception at least, the best games to get on this system. As far as genres go, you can’t go wrong with half the fighting games on the system, but MGR is a definite buy. Probably the only REAL action game that feels like a 3D NES Ninja Gaiden by far. Just without the annoying ass birds that knock you into cliffs. Or the cool fire powers. 😦

Now for the games that… I figured were good games, but have some nasty issues that keep me from recommending them on the basis that they are major flaws that should never exist considering what year we’re in.

Actually……there’s really nothing wrong with this game. Ok so there’s those marble puzzles, but this is probably the most flawless title on this system. The problem is… the game advertises a Crack in Time… and that’s the real problem.

Crack in Time isn’t a bad game in itself, but it is such a downgrade from Tools of Destruction, right down to it’s game engine. It doesn’t even feel like the same game, many of the weapons of previous titles have been removed in favor of “innovative” features like upgrades that no one cares about as these weapons will be useless later on in the game. Not to mention the puzzles in this game are 12 times WORSE than anything they had in previous titles. Praise Amma Insomniac allowed you skip them. I would have second guessed that White Jesus was a benevolent creature with this move.

Not to mention this was where the narrative for the series started going downhill. They had this interesting story of time travel stations and what not… but there’s a glaring flaw. Multiple times, the main characters travel through time rifts to solve problems in the present time, right? If Ratchet and Clank had the ability to go back in time on multiple occasions…. why didn’t they let Azerath or Azrael or w/e his name is… know that they could do this? It would’ve saved them the trouble of trying to stop him from destroying the very fabric of time itself simply because Azrael wanted to see his comrades… and even Ratchet was desperate to know what happened to his kind.

So…. WHY DIDN’T THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR OWN PERSONAL TIME TRAVELING ABILITIES!? Yeah, the game isn’t bad, but it’s a tad more frustrating in the logic department.

Now, considering this is my first actual entry into the series, I’m a tad biased. I’m a coop junkie at heart, so it’s hard for me to recommend against this title. But I absolutely have to. If you want to know why I am not digging Sonic Boom for any reason, this game would be it. Forced Coop Actions?! This game defined them. Imagine a game where 90% of everything you do is tied to your partner’s presence? Getting across long ledges with a “tether” gimmick, using a vacuum to shoots your allies across larger gaps, shooting your allies to switches (some being in limited time frames), having to shoot enemies in unison just to damage them at all, or even having to carry around a giant light bulb in a forest while another has to inevitably escort YOU through while you shine the light for them to see.

This is not true coop. Putting both players where they must work together makes the game feel mechanical and not at all organic. It makes both players feel like hamsters going through routine processes is not fun. The only element of the game in which this isn’t the case is in combat, but Insomniac managed to fuck that up too. You’d think you were playing Borderlands 2 with the amount of punishment these enemies can take. What this means is you wasting lots of ammo on bullet sponges, combined with ammo starvation all across the board = GHETTO RAGE! If you want to do anything more than tickle enemies, you pretty much have to use “coop bursts” where you shoot one enemy in unison with your partner, creating an effect where you both fire faster at the same rate, and then the enemy explodes doing MASSIVE DAMAGE… that isn’t worth shit. The other option is to buy the Critter Strike and upgrade that bitch to max levels so you can plow through enemies by turning them into pigs. This was the only way to easily progress through the game! So even player choice in weapon experimentation (an element that I damn well ADORED in this series) is revoked!

Still, it’s not an entirely bad game, just a very poorly designed one with neutered humor. No really, the game isn’t anywhere near as funny as the previous titles, and even feels like a neutered kid’s show on 4kids TV.

This is the main reason I bought the PS3. No bullshit. I mean… fucking Momiji man.

Ironically, because she isn’t good, I find myself using Zack and Hitomi more often while finding any means to make Lisa as nude as possible. She sho is built in this game. 😀

Still, I’ve never quite been a fan of DOA’s fighting system. Or rather it’s emphasis on the now-disorientating counter system. I hate situational moves and systems in any fighting game, so having one game where the entire point of the game is situational moves and counter systems is rage-inducing. Especially when almost every move characters have can put you in a stun state where you’re stumbling about like an asshole and being completely defenseless with the only actions available to you… is the goddamn counter system, or even mashing buttons to get out of your stun state (something you shouldn’t have to do). What this means is that this game really has no margin for error.

3D fighter devs have a nasty habit of overusing stuns in their games, and DOA takes the cake. Not only do you need to counter properly, if you do the wrong counter, you risk taking more damage than usual. And that’s the biggest issue of 3D fighters not named Bloody Roar. There is more risk than reward. DOA5 epitomizes the very worst of 3D fighting game systems to date, second only to Soul Calibur 5. The only redeeming really IS the tits this time! I’ve played earlier installments to the series and I don’t recall the fighting to be anywhere near this fucked.

It’s fun as a more laid fighter where you really just wing it, but trying to play “FoRealz” is not even an option.

Quite frankly, Brawl is not a terrible fighting game in itself. It’s a terrible Smash Bros. Like most Japanese developers (read AKSYS) who start believing that making “unique characters” creates a better fighting game experience, Sakurai jumped headlong into the innovation deadpool in some asinine logic where all the best characters are nerfed in order to showcase the craptastic innovations of Pikman, Pokemon Trainer (Squirtle is still awesome) and the retardation of Zero Suit Samus who’s access to this transformation is locked to items or a cheat code. Fuck Brawl.

Piss Station All-Stars tries to mitigate that. It… failed for the most part, but manages to be it’s own game in the process. For one, all of the goddamn characters are viable as long as you’re not a Starhawk or Jak and Daxter fan (sowwy Heat). Shit, even the burlap sack from the pretentious LBP series can kick your ass sideways.

This game would be fine if not for the fact that it literally advertises it’s on-disc DLC by making you fight the locked characters in arcade mode, as well as locked costumes to be shown off. How obnoxious can you get Sony? It’s like taking someone’s lunch money and then running down the hallway screaming about how you robbed someone of a cheap lunch. People are fed the fuck up with on-disc DLC and they go right the fuck ahead and openly admit they are ripping you off. Well that’s service after the sell, tell me straight up that you want more money and no complaints.

Even after getting over the paywall nonsense, you have an online community that is easily one of the most vile hives of scum you’ll ever meet. They make Sonic Stadium look dignified. Here’s a bit of advice, don’t play this game online unless you are Japanese because if you do not demonstrate perfection in combos and mind games or what not, you will be completely ostracized by it’s deluded community. There’s nothing worse than a nerd… than a nerd with high expectations of other people to be good at a video game. I wish I could say “I’m not playing this game to live up to your ridiculous standards of how good I should be especially since most of you cocksuckers can’t deal with my spammy ass Ratchet” but will that solve anything? Hell no. Online gaming has never felt anymore alienating than in this game, and even the asshole community can’t compare to what is easily the worst thing about this game.

Fuck Cole. Easily the most overpowered son of a bitch in this entire game, this guy redefined the term “White Devil”. Infinite stun lock exploit!? Easiest character to build meter with!? And they nerfed Jak!? Sony been sippin on Yak! I’ve never met a character that felt so impossible to defeat since Zeus on Piss Station All-Stars! This guy can suck 20 asses through coffee straws.

Being the resident “Classicfag”, a title I wear proudly, I can safely say that after many complaints that have arisen from Sega’s inability to “get it”, this is quite frankly the first time they’ve ever “gotten it” in years. Sonic 4 Episode 2 easily rectifies many of the previous game’s complaints such as poor level design, bad physics and enemy placement, as well as gimmicky levels like LIGHTING FUCKING TORCHES, and creates a game that is much closer to the Genesis games than anything that has come out prior. We can all say that Sega has finally listened to their fans for once… only to shortly cancel the fucking S4 series in favor of appeasing Nintendo. Is listening to the fans is such a bad thing for this company that they have to immediately shift gears away from gaining consumer trust for corporate trust!?

Whose side are you on, Sega!? Afterall,the reason you canceled the Wii version of Episode 2 was because of memory restrictions, and I come to find this game is really no bigger than Episode 1. There’s still only 4 goddamn levels and one crappy DLC where you play as Metal Sonic…. THROUGH EPISODE 1! WHAT HORSE SHIT! People hated Episode 1, why in hory fuck would you make DLC based on Episode 1!? Infact, why not just combined both games into one so we can get a complete game to sell on a retail disc!? Who the fuck wants Episodic games?

The biggest problem with Episode 2 is it’s length. Nobody likes short games anymore, or at least games that have no replay afterward. Making traditional Sonic with only 4 zones is an insult. And the music is still ass. Yes, this game is the only real time that Sega actually gets what their fans have been bitching about, and it’s also the only real time we get a true glimpse at how little they cared either way. And it’s still a better game than Sonic Advance 3.

…………………….It’s Dynasty Warriors, you do the math.

K. Done.

As a person who has been an MMO addict in the past, I can tell you that publishers that practically force you into buying DLC by locking content behind a paywall is by all means a bullshit practice. Sure, I’ll buy the excuse that a free MMO needs some way to maintain revenue in order to keep the servers up and running (except Ntreev. They need to go broke.) but seeing how these Free 2 Play games created nothing more than marginalized class warfare where there is disunity amongst the player bases, it became apparent that DLC of any kind is destructive to any game.

With that, I swore off PC gaming as there’s just too much BS running around, what with rampant anti-piracy that makes it impossible for you to play a game if you have 2 goddamn CD roms, or you have to have some sort of Steam account, NProtect, then you need specific versions of Windows and ram and shit. Hop on the game box, you can play anything without too many hiccups (unless you’re playing on the Nintendo systems with Nintendo’s asinine requirements).

Going over to PS3 simply for fighting games has been more jarring, however. I didn’t think I was too accurate when I described the HD consoles going in the computer centric spectrum, not just for DLC, but for system updates (that seem more risky but you have to do them if you want to play new games), PSN basically being Steam lite or w/e, and having games being dependent on whether you have an internet connection to play. Exclusionary in that local multiplayer is literally shafted in favor of online (to the point that every fighting game keeps begging to connect before I can get passed the damn title screen). It’s a mess. And this is too.

My entire library of fighting games (with the exception of Virtua Fighter 5) has characters you have to pay for if you want to play them. SC4 has Yoda and DOA5U recently has pedobait Marie Rose for $5-6.  Those are the only ones that aren’t locked on the disc, btw. The idea that certain characters are stuck behind pay walls, while being on the damn disc, is jarring to any reasonable human being. You could have up to maybe 16 characters unlocked at the start, and if you want the last four, they cost $25 total. Some are a tad generous in that you could unlock some characters in game without needing cheese (with rather asinine unlock methods), but often times, you are not given a choice.

Case in point…

It’s a cross between MLP and Josie and the Pussycats?

This is a Blazblue character. No surprise as to why it’s ugly as hell. Get this, the sons of bitches at Aksys want you to pay 8 cocksmashing dollars for this one character. And this bitch is on the disc. Now, there’s 2 other characters on the disc, Kagura and Terumi. I was lucky enough that the morons at Gamestop gave me a pre-order copy without even knowing it or else I wouldn’t know how cheap he is.

Now, this company, the same people who made the awesome ass Guilty Gear games… want you to pay 8 bucks for some ugly ass shit like that? On the damn disc already?

Now of course, as I’ve said before, there have been a vast number of people that have come in defense of this issue being that Mononoke (or w/e the hell her name is) as being the most powerful character in the game. The fact that she’s “broken” justifies her price. Normally, unlocking a broken character would involve a very difficult trial in-game (like frustration suffering through Tower of Lost Souls or like yawning your way through CP’s tripe they call a story mode). So paying what appears to be a small fee seems like a nice perk. However, when you think about the fact that you have already paid for the entire game, being charged more for a product you own makes you feel cheated. It’s like a bag of chips you get out of a vending machine full price for what is a bag half empty. Except if you want more, you’d have to pay more.

Tecmo, despite their claims to the contrary, have made it a new business standard to charge you for more characters. Granted, idk any sick fuck outside of Japan stupid enough to buy this thing, this is still irksome.

Regardless of what form it is in, we have the same arguments crop up again and again.

1. People suggest that companies have to make money by locking you behind a paywall for bits of data that cost a mere fraction of the entire product.
2. That smaller ounces of data take lots of precious time and money which somehow takes priority over the whole damn game which cost a helluva lot more altogether.
3. That the people who “whine” have a false sense of entitlement even though these practices have never existed in the past, nor were they ever required to make a profit (Capcom was just greedy).
4. That you do not own the game you explicitly paid for and have no right to demand anything from how a company chooses to conduct business even though their business is to serve you.

Fighting games having characters behind paywalls is a practice too damn widespread for it’s own good. The fact that people are eager to defend these practices, even worse. Ever since Grand Chase, I’ve always been obsessed in trying to decipher why people are in love with corporate greed. Certainly, I’ve learned that it might be necessary for Free 2 Play games to go with these practices because how the fuck else are they gonna make that bread?

But for a game that costs me $60, there’s absolutely no excuse for this nonsense in my games. This is a practice that I feared would come to consoles knowing how they tear people apart and create pseudo-class warfare. How they create snobs out of everyone that adores corporate greed. Actually, corporate arrogance… no… corporate stupidity is the term I’m looking for. Those who wonder why it’s appropriate, consider the following.

Developers, in the past at least, used to go for the consoles that were cost efficient for their budgets. Whether it was the NES over… anything else at the time (not actually aware of the actual for NES games, sue me), Genesis over SNES and Neo Geo (for a time), Playstation 1 and 2, people back then had more sense to go for the cheapest and easiest consoles to develop for as they would be sure to never run out of money too quickly as well as the cheapest consoles usually having the larger install bases. The most powerful tend to lose out on support and consumer bases.


But then… the Wii happened and suddenly, developers stopped giving a damn about saving money, apparently. Now gaming was all about horse power.

It was hard to debate this seeing as DKC sold the damn SNES which kick-started (or continued) the whole “Hardware>>>>>>>Software” conundrum which lasted…. for ages, it seems. It was only intensified by the Wii in which Nintendo decided to opt out of the horsepower train of thought in order to produce more cost effective games. The rest of the industry did a complete 380 and said “we ain’t  diggin it”. It was essentially an outdated waste of shit to the industry. An archaic model of the times that refused to evolve when it was logical to improve the graphics power of the console to compete.

I think restating it’s unprecedented success would be digging the horse out of the grave and fucking it on public display. There’s several reasons as to why no one wanted to support the Wii. Their philosophy of better graphics and hardware meaning better games (which I believe has been thoroughly proven bullshit given the tremendous amount of salty ass people running amok online) and then it would be their personal feelings on Nintendo themselves as people simply do not like working with this company.

Which brings up the question of why they were so eager to pass up on the PSP in favor of the DS, and then again with the 3DS even though everyone, even the Sega brown noses themselves, had doubts about it’s viability. If not the consoles, everyone jumps on board for the handhelds. The DS being less powerful than the PSP with considerably less features should’ve prompted a rejection of the DS altogether. And yet, here it is standing tall as one of the most supported devices of the generation. Nintendo struggles to get support on everything that isn’t a handheld device, why? Who knows? Could be the tradition of Nintendo handhelds being juggernauts. Could be the non-existent budgets. Could be the lack of political nonsense as no one cares about handhelds like that care. But either way, Nintendo manages to get support in the handheld realm indefinitely regardless of hardware power or features. And PSP being a defective piece of shit didn’t help.

Then again, 360 is a defective piece of shit, and it’s probably the most supported device from last generation. I’m trying to understand the logic behind why people are shy around supporting Nintendo consoles while they give free hand jobs to their handhelds. Ok, track records of bad Nintendo console performance has something to do with it. But when the Wii is proven as a viable device, people still refused to get on board, which is in contrast to how the NES went. When people knew it was unstoppable, everyone got on-board. Instead, excuses were made to cover their asses. It’s as though people were afraid of being wrong so they kept avoiding the console. At this point, there was no excuse to not develop for the Wii. Yes, Nintendo is unbearable to work with (unless you’re Japanese), but seeing how publishers have acted in the past and present, perhaps a little discipline was in order. Cause damn sure, I wouldn’t want to be called a “sheep” because I don’t approve of a company’s direction.

But then… the economy farted. So things that were already expensive started getting even more expensive. The Pubs… still didn’t get on board. Naw, they plowed on with the HD beasts regardless of the fact that less people were buying them and less people could afford them. Still didn’t give a damn. But at budgets exceeding 20 million, these folks were losing money fast. The best they could was make severe cut backs on their games, but they needed a way to compensate for losses. The prospects of DLC became much more attractive. DLC becomes much more prominent in gaming as a result. Cause I’m playing some of the older 07 “Spiderman font” games and I don’t see as much of this bullshit as I do in recent “crappy font” games. They ramped this shit up in response to massive losses. More companies started going red bust.

Wii? Nah, fuck the Wii. It’s a fad!

……..So now the Wii is dead… and there is no longer a cheaper method. Every console is HD, and the budgets will remain this bloated. People are still predicting Capcom’s downfall considering their 157 mil in the bank still going around. Everyone talks about going digital as there won’t be a physical medium to jack up their prices (or… something. Hell if I know). But the industry pubs call it some sort of victory that everything is HD, but now it seems everyone is trying to go mobile (or think that by blaming it will remove the dirt people have on them).

The conclusion I have come to is that these assholes had their chances to save money and still profit. They said “fuck that, it’s HD time!”. And now most of them are paying the price. They said no to cheaper models. People threatened to quit if they had to make games for Wii. The pubs actively rejected the then “correct path” of gaming out of vanity and differing philosophy. And yet I am expected, in the deepest parts of my insanity, to accept that DLC, a tool of perks that is now used to sell essential partitions of a game that is, most of the time, on the damn disc, as a legitimate form of revenue generation when they themselves could’ve avoid their money hemorrhaging pitfalls?

You have to be literally… out of your goddamned mind. You have to be crazy to accept this as legitimate. It has come about as a desperate attempt to steal your money from right under your nose. Everyone is aware of this, even the hardcore themselves. And yet, instead of sending “I told you so’s”, they send them their pity. In some foolish attempt to salvage a corporation, they give them money anyway. For all that people are not entitled to, we often forget that a game company is not entitled to our money. Instead, they turn their sermons to us, the customers, and preach about who in the hell has the right to entitlement. If a company is designed to serve you in order to get profit, then you are entitled to good customer service if you damn well want to contribute to their profit. Locking content on the disc and dictating that you pay for it is not customer service. It is at best a ransom.

To be accepting of this logic is to be maladjusted. It is to be crazy. Or possibly being a pants shitting retard. W/e the case may be, their logic is misplaced against the masses which does nothing more than enable corporations to completely vanquish the notion of ownership. To have video games tied to a digital space of pay walls with keys being cheddar is to revoke ownership of your purchases and have it completely tied to the people who sold it to you in the first place. Making money of the very same copy you sold seems like a good business tactic if you’re a notoriously duplicitous shit bird. But in the shoes of the consumer, logically, you would see this as rather underhanded.

This is the problem, however. The hardcore for some odd reason see themselves differently from consumers. They are the ALPHA Gamer! They know better than anyone that companies need money to funnel into newer projects. But if they go under, then our favorite franchises go with them (unless they’re Midway. Mortal Kombat lives the fuck on! And Bomberman! And Crash Bandicoot… I guess…. and Sly Cooper? Cause you know, franchises that exist under an existing company have no chance of dying out. Right Darkstalkers? Final Fight? Mega… Man? Streets of Rage? ….Custom Robo? Star Fox?… anyone?) This is the retardation aspect. Hardcore types don’t bother with history. Why, the past is just some alternate dimension where shit happened that affects nothing I do today!

There is a reason why HD gaming is so specifically geared toward the Hardcore audience. They’re retarded enough to accept these practices as legitimate. You see, the basis of all capitalism is exploitation. You have Cartoon Network wanting to exploit little boys in order to sell toys because well… they’re that dumb and hyper active? Koreans exploit African women’s desire to get good hair all the damn time. Not to mention they even make fun of this fact in their Korean magazines.

Developers depend greatly on the retardation of the Hardcore, who cannot see beyond their own egos and vanities to realize the game that is being played with them. They depend on these retards to enable them and stifle criticism over the internet for these practices. After all, the Hardcore don’t see themselves as regular consumers, so they do not see what the consumer sees as wrong or unethical. Instead, whatever is good for the corporation is by default, good for them.

Of course, this is intensified by the fact that the hardcore are completely maladjusted. Normally, nerds aren’t able to cope with other people, so they tend to go into a state of social isolation. Being that, they come off like Tarzan in the big city. They act like animals without realizing their surroundings. They aren’t adjusted to their environment and thus become ostracized. Isolating yourself from other people tends to separate your consensus from the other people, thus becoming maladjusted. To be an unhealthy person, so to speak.

Unhealthy people are much more prone to the misspending of  their wealth. As gamers tend to spend their money to relieve pain or get over some inferiority. Gaming has become a hobby of comfort to the Hardcore. Thus it becomes a crutch that they need to get through the day. It’s a “coping device”. 😛

Unhealthy people could be considered anything these days. Whether they be retarded or social misfits, it matters not. Anyone in any kind of disposition that creates a sense of anxiety for them is nothing more than an opportunity for the corporation. The unhealth and wealth of an individual benefits the health and wealth of another. Or to put it in other terms, the unhealth of a drug addict benefits the health and wealth of the drug dealer. And when you have this kind of dependency where the addict feels that he or she “needs” the dealer’s drugs, they come to admire the dealer and give more respect to them than anyone else even if the dealer gives not one ounce of a fuck about them. What some would say “To love the Abuser”. And gamers and consumers are abused in way of these practices being bluntly and unashamedly designed with the goal of generating revenue above all else. It’s become so obvious, the so-called “Illuminati” would piss themselves in how “in your face” these practices have become.

So the defenses that these hardcore folks throw up in the faces of the consumer has become common ground as many gamers are maladjusted. Mostly because they are infact retarded people with no concept of priorities.

If anything, the FGC seems to be the most retarded of them all. Those assholes seem to dickride everything FG devs do with their. Even Capcom’s controversial SFxT DLC gets it’s defenders. I can’t wait for special moves to become purchasable DLC items. People would start coming up with shit like “well, don’t you take martial arts classes? Don’t they cost money too!?”. I bet you anything, as socially inept as the hardcore are, that’s the kind of shit you would hear.

No, not him

Yeah, her.

I checked out “Remember Me” (Amma, what a stupid title for a game) out of recommendation and had no idea this was also made by Capcom. Thankfully it was used in some vain attempt to piss off the industry.

As you could already assume, I can’t stand the AAA interactive movie type games that are only good for one playthrough and then you stuff it away in some box somewhere. Was actually kinda appealing to my interests. I’m one of those big “sci fi” buffs, plus having an African female lead that’s “positive” is awesome. I guess the industry felt it was time to let go of stereotypes by suggesting that African leads can only have positive traits by being mulatto.

Then again, Tommy was handled pretty well, too. Despite lack of screen time

Anywho, the game confirms my suspicions that Science Fiction only works well in video games as other entertainment mediums rely on good characters to have a solid narrative. Video games aren’t dependent on narratives which makes science fiction that much more viable in gaming. For those who have played the game, you can pretty much skip ahead. For all the normal people who missed out…

This game takes place in Paris, France (OOH LALAH!) where this new corporation “Memorize” has crafted technology in which people can share memories with each other. The game starts out with one of the most awkward fake advertisements in which “real customers” talk about their experiences like the retards on those E-Harmony/Christian Mingle commercials. Then quickly opens up to Nilin (the mulatto) getting her memory wiped by a Memorize employee. All characters have these holographic nodes on the back of their necks similar to the plugs that the Matrix series had, where memories can be shared or stolen… or even “changed”. More on that later. Anywho, Nilin, looking like a crack addict out of the ghetto, is forced to walk to a device that would make her mentally inert. But then she’s contacted by a guy named “edge” who hacks the security systems and allows her to escape from the facility into the garbage via a coffin.

Handsome devil, ain’t he?


She’s flung into a sewage into the broken down parts of Paris where she’s met by a bunch of anorexic mutants called “leapers” for no apparent reason, where she’s forced to kick their asses and move on.

Looks like a scene from the Amazing Spiderman. It’s too damn dark, for one.

Here, you’ll find that you’ll be doing lots and lots of climbing. And climbing… and climbing. Basically, if you’re a fan of what one person would call “Ass Creed”, you’ll feel right at home.

So you have to traverse the slums while fighting a few more leapers. For a run down poor district, it looks nice. Like a portion of Manhattan was just placed in the slums to make the poor folks not feel like shit. Along the way, you’ll learn about RM’s convoluted combat system.

Nice job making this game accessible, assholes.

I might as well be doing complex fractions having to figure this shit out. Anywho, you learn that Red equals damage, yellow is healing, purple is cooldown, and blue is bullshit you’ll never use. See, the game emphasizes the importance of rhythm and timing with combos. IE as soon as you hit an enemy, you immediately press the next button in the sequence. Opening up the menu, you have a combo lab in which you get to mix and match your own combo set ups. Like say if you want damage on one hit, while yourself on the next, you configure them to be as you wish. You have to unlock all the moves in the game as you level up so getting the combo set ups you want is going to require loads and loads of grinding.

“Aw jeez!, not that shit again!”

Unfortunately, the jackoffs behind the game know nothing of good game design or else the game wouldn’t require you to dodge so much, breaking your combo chains on multiple occasions. It seems you’re always in a situation where you’re ganged up by enemies and that merely hitting an enemy even once causes another enemy to immediately attack you, meaning you have to dodge anyway, breaking your chains in the process. This happens frequently throughout the game meaning you’d have to make very linear, one-dimensional combos in order to get the full benefits of them. Make one combo set healing, another for damage, etc. etc.

This leads me to believe that the combo system was some attempt at “creativity” and “innovation” which falls flat on it’s face. The combat simply isn’t fun and soon becomes a slow routine chore. Fortunately, the battles are infrequent so there’s less of that to worry about.

After fucking around with Leapers, you meet headache Tommy who remembers you… but you don’t remember him. Basically, he claims that you and he were part of a resistance movement (Not this shit again) trying to take down Memorize because… reasons pertaining to naturalism. There, Nilin gets out of her hobo cloths and dresses into… casual clothing with a “cool glove”.

And tight jeans! ^_^

Funny enough, before we can get ready, Nilin immediately gets caught by a bounty hunter named “Olga” (man, you’d think with a “creative” game, these folks would work more on better naming conventions). But it’s here that Nilin hacks into Olga’s memory.

Now this is actually one of the cooler (if not fucking tedious) aspects of the game. Changing someone’s memory. Here, you see Olga’s memory of her husband who’s life she tried to save by transferring her… “happy memories” to David. I don’t know how the fuck that would save his life, but w/e. Science Fiction always breaks the laws of reality, no matter how implausible. I mean Pacific Rim, man.

Anywho, here you have to make Olga think that Memorize killed David. Unfortunately, the game messed up on me and I had to restart it a million butt fucking times just to get it to work. That’s another thing about this game. It is buggy as all hell. Ya’ll mother fuckers talk dirt about Sonic 06, play this mug here, ya’ll change yo tunes real fast. I can’t recall anytime 06 froze on me… at all.

Anywho, this rather “cool segment” is more like a puzzle, unfortunately. You have to find several “glitches” in which you can change or alter in order to remix the memory. Corse, you might wanna be careful. Sometimes you’ll actually kill the person who’s memory you’re trying to change. Ended up giving Olga a seizure or an orgasm.


No, but if I say that, more people will buy the game. Once you remix the memory, Olga’s behavior changes and she decides to help you instead.

Unfortunately, that’s the only time the feature is actually cool. Once you know what you have to do, it gets tedious. But it is cool to see all the different outcomes of what you do.


Once you get passed that, you get one of those shitty “lamenting” scenes where Nilin is in some weird… distorted space where she “laments” on what she just did. After that, you go to Chapter’s beautiful ass rich folk town.

It’s here that Nilin knows how it feels to be well off as well as the feeling of doing as Mariah Carry says and become a…er… butterfly.

Oh yeah, this shit actually happens.

These are the “skills” you can use. There’s no explanation for why she can use them, but w/e, more kick ass powers. This is why you have “cool down” combos because the cool down rates for these skills last for about 100 seconds (goddamn!). So using these cooldown combos help to speed up the process.

Then I realized the combo system is retarded for things like this. You’ll end up using your skills very often as enemies start requiring them more than usual. The only combos you’ll be using are heals and cooldowns, while enemies become assets to use more skills and heal on. The point of the combo system isn’t to have cool, customized combos, they’re more of an asset of using the most basic combo strings hopefully configured with the desired effects just to use skills more often. Instead of using something more logical like MP or some shit, you have to hit people in rhythmic fashion.

Well, at least you don’t have to “charge” your moves.

After a while of running and climbing and hitting people, you go into a luxurious mall and meet your biggest fan who literally jerks off to the thought of you taking his memory. Once you do so, you get another little gaming element called “Remembranes” which is basically you following hollowgrams and eventually means the game sets up wheels for you to spin.

Then you find plans to flood the district because Edge hates rich folks (or something) and then you fight some fat guy called Kid Christmas who talks like Xhibit. Seriously, Kid fucking Christmas is the best name you could come up with!? Anywho, after beathing his ass, you now have a gun.

Cool, an arena made with cheap square effects.

Afterward, the city is flooded. Take that, rich bitches!

After more running around, shit happens and you find yourself in the ruins of Neo Paris. Everything is tipped in green foliage and I think I might’ve skipped some details. You fight a giant robot that uses holographic images to scream at you. But here’s the thing, you can attack with combos, you can only use your blaster and a disabling skill you learn earlier. Prepare fo’ dat cooldown rate!

Next few chapters has Nilin running away from Choppers, solving crappy riddles, and discovering a plot that becomes irrelevant for the rest of the game. The Leapers? Yeah, they’re mutated inmates in a prison where their memories were wiped completely, but Memorize decided to use them as test subjects for some reason. But this is never really elaborated on later, you just fight more leapers. Along the way, Nilin discovers that her parents are actually the founders of Memorize and this causes her great discomfort. Helluva twist, though.  Cause it gets you thinking who the hell Edge really is and why he’s got you doing dirty work. Then, you find out your glove was made by Nilin’s daddy who wiped her memory of a tragic car accident and found the secret to removing misery in the world… by removing painful memories.

We find out Edge is actually some big ass storage box where all the painful memories are kept and basically wanted you to crash the system because he doesn’t like getting so many bad memories… or something.

Oh shit, I just spoiled the game. Oh well. It’s an ok game with nice ideas, but considering the flawed gameplay, flow, the idiotic padding, and the severe bugs that halt your progress, not to mention tedious combat, I think I saved ya’ll a good $17. Still, the environments are probably the best I’ve seen in any game thus far (second to Crack in Time, I suppose) but that’s mostly cause I like Sci Fi shit.

It’s an ok rental, I suppose.


I’m assuming people want my take on this seeing how the last post got taken over by it. First thing’s first, Game Theory is an irritating youtuber who’s “theories” aren’t even realistically sound. For one, he had made a video in which he tried to prove that Super Mario was faster than Sonic… by using a PORTION of SMB1’s 1-1 level and judging Mario’s speed in reaching this PORTION of it…. while comparing to the amount of time it takes for Sonic to reach the end of Green Hill Act 1. The WHOLE fuckin act, I might add. 1-1 is, by all, a very short level while Green Hill is already lengthy.

But ignoring that, he’s made a video that’s preaching to the choir. People have known that innovation does not sell ever since the Gamecube bombed. People are aware of it considering the amount of pissing and moaning people have done over Call of Duty (mainly, the Nintards). The problem with the video is 3-fold. Number 1, he implies that the world of the internet is not aware that their tastes are in minority opinion, so the only people he’s talking to is the Nintendo fans… which is a pointless endeavor because as long as one game makes it over the 1 million mark (Epic Yarn), then fuck all the facts, PROFIT WAS MAED! We don’t know how much to make a difference to Nintendo, but it’s good enough for those assbites to win their pointless debative crusades against “da haters“. There’s no point to explaining shit to Nintendo loyalists no matter how many facts you pull up. If people like BlackB0nd have trouble getting anything through their thick ass skulls, then a guy with a million subs (which he flaunts as if to establish his credibility) isn’t gonna make any difference.

Number 2. If you’re gonna tell Nintendo fans the truth that breaks the camel’s back, don’t puss out and start praising Nintendo for their past history. There’s NO data showing how influential their “innovative” motion and touch screen controls are. After all, that’s why every limp dick fuck that watches this video keeps praising it, yet there’s nothing about them innovative controls.  The Wii’s best selling games are majority-wise the ones that don’t emphasize the motion controls and are just decent games. Yes, Wii Sports/Fit are titles that baffle the fuck out of everyone, but looking at Brawl and NSMBW, even NSMBDS, the innovative controls have never been necessary in the first place. Just admit it. Innovation in ALL sectors don’t sell people (often). How in demand are innovative control schemes? Instead of looking on the internet and assuming innovation sold Wii’s and Nintendo games (a contradictory fact), you could poll some assholes on the street to get real information.

Going  step further, there’s nothing innovative about motion or touch screen controls in the first place. Shit like this has existed since the goddamn Power glove. Nintendo basically took advantage of it and made video games a little “cooler”. Driving controls with a motion controller isn’t innovative, but it feels smooth as hell. I can’t even look at Sonic Racing Transformed the same way as it’s prequel on the wii. Where they started fucking up was making certain game inconvenient by making titles like Skyward Sword and Metroid Corruption WORSE.  The point still stands that innovation doesn’t sell. Praising the Wii for innovating and “changing the industry” is a bald-faced lie. And again, I can’t help but wonder if this was mentioned just to deflect any criticism he might/will get from the religiously over-zealous nintards that will watch the video.

Number 3. Why thank you! As borderline retarded shit head, I was previously unaware of what football is. What kind of condescending asshole thinks that’s funny?

I think this video has gotten enough unwarranted attention.


With my righteous and furious anger of Resident Evil 6, I had originally proclaimed to never again look to Resident Evil for survival horror. Unfortunately, my will is not that strong and even after Mikami left, I am still RE’s bitch. So hearing the hype around Revelations, I decided to pick it up and am fucking glad I am still it’s bitch. Revelations is fucking gooooooooood!

The most amazing thing about this title is that it is completely free of quick-time events! Now if that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is! Though I suppose being a handheld port, there be some perks to that aspect. I suppose Capcom figured Nintendo fans were “pussies” that couldn’t handle QTEs or something. But w/e, I’m happy as hell. Secondly, the game’s controls are actually good for once. Yes, it’s that same RE4 turd person element, but it actually feels improved. Unlike RE6’s weird ass control set up, your character’s movement while aiming is quite fast and smooth where as with 6 it was slow and clunky.

Other than that, melee attacks while not in aiming mode have been vastly improved. Instead of these slow attacks, your character has very quick attacks that have no hit stun but provide damage while you can move at the same time. Not to mention there’s no… fucking… STAMINA meter to look after! You can melee to your hearts content…. unless your enemies have quick mobility.

But the most important thing is that the game is actually scary. Not since RE3 has the series given me quite the shivers and tension that RE was known for up until now. Since then, I’ve been playing the games for story which is a bad thing. Story should not be the sole reason to play any game or else you might as well be watching youtube. This game, holy shit, all the moments I screamed “FUCKIN ASS” when some scary shit popped out had to have been a record.

The environments are also highly reminiscent of REmake’s mansion in regards to the residential cabins on the ship. There’s also a casino… for some reason. Basically, story is a ghost ship where Jill is tasked with investigating as well as trying to give the player a boner given the cleavage shot and tight swim suit that she wear for the whole mission just so we can see that she stole dat African booty as well.

Stupid Sexy Valentine!

Unfortunately, the game’s not perfect. While at first the game boasts what we’ve come to expect from Resident Evil games, ammo starvation and all, it goes into bullshit territory by requiring you to empty out your ammo reserves just to move on to the next area. Yes, the controls are actually suitable for combat for once, but that does not mean you make combat oriented challenges in the game. Sometimes in order to survive, you AVOID enemies. Plus,there’s lots of swimming involved, and I’ll be the one to say that swimming in 3D games have never been fun, but for some reason, developers are enamored by swimming in 3D. As if seeing underwater environments with ass controls are some sort of godsend. And the puzzles are still here (such as needing to turn on/off 3 different valves in 3 separate areas). Otherwise, if you need an RE fix, you can’t go wrong with Revelations. I assure you, you won’t be dissappointed, especially if you came off of RE6.


Dumbass wants to make MOAR Nintendo DLC for Sonic’s Lost Mind.

I think this confirms that Lost Mind isn’t made for any audience and is simply a game that satisfies only Iizuka and Nintendo’s own tastes.

“Sonic Lost World is a title that only released on Nintendo hardware, which is an opportunity that I couldn’t believe, collaborating together. This time, the appearance is interesting, as combining Sonic into such a world is extremely foreign, and I wanted to aim at the unexpected.

“The team says that the music, sound and songs of The Legend of Zelda were entertaining to try and re-create and is now interested in working on more levels that allow it to collaborate with Nintendo.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or shit vomit. If anything proves how anti-consumer Lost Mind is, it is the DLC’s that do not fit within the context of Sonic the Hedgehog. Lets be frank. No one in the world wants Sonic to promote Nintendo’s bullshit. Not anymore at least, but this nutless moron sees a “creative opportunity” to make more Nintendo DLC. The dipshits who supported this out of some asinine desire to “show support for the company” aren’t even taken in consideration when these assholes are making the decisions. When people bitch and moan about how awful this assimilation is, what does Sega do? They want to make MORE of it! Great job, Nintendo! Not only was Sega bad at business decisions, you’ve poisoned them with your “in your face” attitude in lacking empathy for the customers and instead drown themselves in their own desires.

A company that moderately listened to their fans has now eaten the forbidden fruit of a company that has lost all motivation or desire to serve their customers. No, lets shove MORE shit that people don’t want into the series because YOU like it, and that makes it ok.

Iizuka and the rest of Sonic team has no idea they’re fucking the pooch by doing this. They’re offended by BRB’s retarded boom designs, but they find no problem shoving Nintendo IPs into Sonic and further destroy the franchise’s identity by assimilating it into games of a company rival!? When does the stupidity end!? Sonic was promoted as a Nintendo killer! That has been one of Sonic’s core trademarks since it’s conception. The other being speed and attitude. You’ve removed the attitude, you’ve removed the speed, and now you’re removing the will to compete against Nintendo.

Great job assholes, you’ve officially killed Sonic the Hedgehog.

You can’t blame this on Sonic Colors. No, you need to throw fire at that Olympics crap. That’s where this mess all started. All because Sega wants that Italian sausage.

Enjoy it while you can, you punk bitch.

Ok, long story short, I got blackmailed into playing this shit because some chick at my job… hates me. Eh… since I can’t keep my mouth closed, she figured out I write this blog, got pissy I dissed RE6 “without playing it“. Cause… you know, you’re supposed to eat poop to know it tastes like shit. And… she caught me in an act that shall remain a mystery to you all.

Seeing she wasn’t going to leave me alone, she pretty much shoved the damn copy in my face and urged me to validate my opinion for fear of losing my job. It is at this moment that I learned that women are evil and that maybe the catholics weren’t too crazy lumping them with a symbolic representation of satan.

Yes. RE6 is that bad. No, scratch that, this game is… it epitomizes everything that is wrong with this industry and multiplies it by 6…. times 3! It’s impossible to think that I might’ve played a game that is officially worse than Skyward Sword. The unthinkable has happened.

Not really an exciting crossover to be honest

Koboyashi shows just how to draw people into video games by opening up the entire game with a quick time event! How many you ask? 3! The first (barely second into the damn game), is lifting your unattractive female partner off her unconscious ass long enough to get inside a broken down building. The second… opening a door (this is a good MINUTE into the game!) The second… shaking off a random zombie that the game allows to capture you! The third? Piloting a chopper that’s gone out of control!

Wow! Now that’s how you open a game! Take the player out of the game by pressing random buttons as though they were watching a movie… or playing Heavy ass Rain! This is without a doubt… the worst thing you can do in the beginning of the game. If you’re a game developer and you’re thinking about stream lining a long running series for the sake of attracting a larger audience, this is NOT the way to go about it. Having QTE’s at the very beginning of the game gives the player a horrid perception of how the entire game will play out. Cause if you just make the person go through several tiny “minigame cutscenes” just to get to the next sequence, the player’s motivation to press through the game will be diminished. Who the fuck wants to play a game full of QTEs?

“But that’s just for the beginning! Surely, the majority of the game isn’t a bunch of QTEs”

……just from reading that, you know it’s the exact opposite. I mean goddamn, if there’s a QTE for you to fumble around a deserted car just to look for some damn keys, you know you’re fucked for the long run.

There are 3 stories centering around Chris Redfield, main character of the series, Leon Kennedy, the fangirl magnet that is only relevant because of RE4’s unwarranted popularity, and Jake Muller, white trash bastard son of Albert Wesker who looks… nothing like Wesker and is more akin to Donte from DmC who tries faaaar too hard to be cool. I mean picture this. He’s on a raft where he gets attacked by multiple enemies. What’s his comment at the end of the ride?

“That was a worse boat ride than the Titanic!”

Oh yes. You will learn to hate him and his shitty one-liners. A good majority of the time you just want someone to give him a kick in the ass. Unfortunately, that’s NEVER going to happen because you see… he’s the son of Wesker meaning he inherited Wesker’s overpowered super human abilities giving Jake more strength and agility than he needs, making him nearly as invincible as his daddy. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, he knows kung fu. You know what that means?

He’s the perfect asshole!

Damn I hate perfect assholes in games and television. Whether it’s the main character in Pacific Rim, Jack from Anarchy Reigns, or Ken Masters from Street Fighter, perfect assholes are the kinds of characters that are douches to everyone around them, but completely flawless in all of their categories. At the same time, we’re damn near expected to love their asses no matter how irritating they are. How fucked is my life that we go from one perfect asshole (Wesker) to this bastard?

Anywho, lets start with the story mode that was…. marginally less irritating but filled to the brim with QTEs. LEON! And his new bitch Helena Harper.

At the start of the game, we see Leon and Helena facing the President of the US… at gun point.

Handsome devil, ain’t he?


Head of the Oval Office became a zombie and Leon is forced to pull the trigger. A pivotal plot point that is ignored for the entirety of the game unless used by Simmons as a means to taunt Leon.

Afterwards, you go through the college where the President was apparently going to drop dimes on the US’s dealings with Umbrella…. or something. Here, I find the annoyance of having to traverse chairs and tables because apparently, Capcom thinks it’s ok to not let the player walk over tiny spots of broken chairs. At the same time, you’re trying to help random asswipe #1 find his daughter… only for said daughter to die on an elevator and turn into a zombie with worse acting than Keanu Reeves.

That’s what you get for taking a student loan!!!


After that, the heroes try to escape campus via a gate…. BUT FIRST… they need to find a key just to get out the gate. So instead of logically trying to find an alternative route like climbing over the fences just to get out, they go look for the fucking key.

So by now, we have had 2 missions, find a missing daughter and then looking for a missing key that is so far deep into the campus that it’s nearly impossible to find. Great! Fetch quests this early in! Once we find said fucking key, we break out and more zombies pop up, we end up popping them and then hurrying about to find a car. Now.. this part is stupid to the core. You’re in the car, right? Now we’re sitting here flicking the control stick in any and all directions (as the game prompts you to do without the specifics of what in mary fuck you’re supposed to be doing, btw) just to find the damn car keys! Oh yes, you’re gonna be looking for keys all over this game. Once you find the damn key, you get attacked by a zombie from a window… and if you’re playing Leon, you have to literally wait for your partner character to shoot the zombie off of you. This is important to remember. Depending on what character you choose for the scenario, you may have to literally fucking wait… for your partner to help you before you can progress with the game! So lets say you picked Chris instead of Piers Nevan (does that not sound like the most made up name you could think of?). In a final boss confrontation, Chris is grabbed while Piers has to slowly fucking crawl to a C-virus vial just to transform and save your life. Now I timed this… it literally takes a whole minute just for the game to progress after Piers finally gets his slow ass over to the virus.

Back to the car, once your partner has shaken off the zombie, you now have a QTE… to do as R.Kelly says and stick the key into the ignition…. and then to start the mother fucking car.

By this point, my patience and tolerance for idiotic game flow design had worn thin, and it felt like Capcom wanted me to burst a blood vessel. Why the fuck do I have to do so many QTE’s in one sitting? Oh, and here’s the kicker. Once you start the car, you travel about 10 centimeters just so you can crash into a couple of cars in the tunnel where a BIG ASS EXPLOSION occurs. Now you gotta get out and walk! Aint… DAT a bitch!? Not only did you survive a burning explosion that would normally kill anyone, you can still fucking walk! So… of the tunnel was that damn close to the campus, then me fiddling around with trying to find car keys and start the damn thing was a complete waste of time!

Ok so after that, Leon and Helena go through the streets and back alleys fighting their way through zombies in what felt like a proper Resident Evil setting. Surviving the streets against hordes of the undead. This is the least bullshit segment of the entire game, and as such actually set my expectations higher than they needed to be.








Then it all sucks when we find out after all the awesome shit, chapter 1 ends.

So… CHAPTER 2 where we’re in a cemetery… after the impossible of having Leon’s escape bus roll off a cliff…. and they miraculously survive again. It started to annoy me how these characters get themselves in amazingly impossible and dangerous situations and live to tell about them all.

So.. we traverse a cemetery where you got these… bone fucks walking around in the shadows. It’s a creepy part, i’ll admit. And then you got those bastard dogs as well. Man, I hate zombie dogs. They’re so fucking CHEAP! Anywho, after reaching the church where Helena desperately wishes to go for no specific reasons (yet), but then… another gate is closed and we must yet again find a damn key. Luckily enough, there’s a shack next to the gate where the key is stashed. BUT…. instead of the getting the key, one of those asshole zombie dogs jumps into a window and swipes the key in it’s gumline. Now, get this, we have to chase the son of bitch through the cemetery… just to get the damn key.

Now… of all the arbitrary ways to pad out the length of the game, they make you go through this shit whore of a process to continue the game!? Chasing a zombie dog… for another damn key. Once we chase the bastard down, we get the key and go back to the gate and open it…. only for some random zombie to knock Leon over a ledge and fall into a weird… area with several doors. At this point, I didn’t know what the hell kind of church has a garden with doors, or cared. All I know is this is one of those arbitrary sections that lock you away from your partner if only in some vain attempt to instill fear into you. Yeah, I’m looking into my insane pool of ammo shitting myself in terror.

After shortly being reunited with Helena, we go to the front door of the church, but the assholes inside tell me to kill off a certain number of zombies before letting us in. Now… here’s the part that tells you just how scripted this game is. There WERE no zombies in the area, but as soon as I try to get in, the zombies start FLOODING the place! Did they just hear the command or something?

Ugly bastards…

Inside the church, everyone is bitching and moaning about the “Apocalypse” coming while me and Helena start investigating, not giving a shit about what anyone else might see us doing, and we go about the church solving clues and mysteries that might lead us to… w/e it is Deborah wants.

…….And there’s a secret lair with statues that shoot arrows. Dafuq indeed. At this point, Capcom felt it necessary to slap in as many Resident Evil 4 references into the game in some poor attempt at invoking nostalgia by creating useless PUZZLES! So here, we’re in adjacent rooms for no apparent reason, where he have to shut off several statues that might shoot us with arrows… by walking over to them and pressing the switch on their bases. I can’t… for the life of me figure out what masochistic fuckwit thought this shit would be fun. But there’s about 5 waves of statues you simply have to run over to… and shut off.

After that, the game takes control away from you and turns your crosshair settings against your will. If you didn’t like the laser sights of RE4, well take your grief and like it bitch cause the game automatically changes the crosshair into the laser sighting. Why? Because well.. there’s mirrors in the room in which you have to burn with your laser sighting. Why? Well, to open the doors.

Then, after all that shit, you get to the roof to find a BAD ASS SNIPER RIFLE! …….And you have to use it to shoot five churchbells in order to open another passage.

At this point, they’re just shoving meaningless puzzles in your face while pretending that you’re supposed to care. And why does ringing five bells open up a new passage, by any chance?

Anywho, after solving more idiot puzzles, I finally uncover an underground passage. BUT WAIT! Instead, there is a giant monster made out of puffy titties.

This diabolical nipple creature blows out some strange blue gas that turns everyone in the church into raging zombies. So yeah, kill it with firepower! You will never look at Paizuri the same way again!

What was a moderately simple boss fight leads to an underground laboratory where we come to another puzzle. You have multiple doorways with numbers above them. And a machine with a code input. That’s right! Time for Resident Evil’s code puzzles! You have the ability to look in some of the doors and peak at what kinds of zombies are inside. It’s actually pretty cool in some instance, but it’s back to work. Unfortunately, the assholes at capcom scratched off some of the numbers above the doors, so you’re basically typing in random codes to open random doors.

Ok… first off, throw me a fucking bone. Now this game jerks me around with guessing door codes. If that’s the director’s attempt at “creating false tension” like Mikami used to do to dick around people, this is a poor attempt. This does nothing but piss people off by making them guess random numbers. Resident Evil should’ve moved beyond this BS by now.

After moving past the gay code guessing process, we move onto more labs, zombie dogs, stupid bridge puzzles, and the like, we’ve finally come to the secret that Deborah wanted to show us. A video called “happy birthday Ada”. They play the tape and see a cocoon where a NAKED ADA WONG hatches in her slimy glorious birth! See her slimy, silky skin as she pours all over the floor and…. yeah, thats some nasty shit.

The worst lap dance ever.

If you didn’t play the other story paths first, then you’ve basically spoiled the plot twist. They made an Ada Wong clone. WOW!

Then, we immediately exit the labs… and find some underground ruins. Yeah, now the game is just all over the place. First a church with mindless puzzles, then an underground lab, and now some ruins.

But… we managed to find helena’s sister. Yes, this was the person she was looking for all this time. We come to find out 2 things. She was possibly captured and held for ransom, and she’s got a phat ass. Damn white women stealing the black woman’s booty.

Anywho, a boss fight ensues as “Deborah” transforms into some weird slimy spider bitch, and what ensues is one of the most poorly thought out “action set pieces” to ever. Basically, the mines start collapsing around them, and at some point, the characters ride some out of nowhere mine cart that spirals “downward” near low level debris and…. yeah.

And… the whole game is like this, really. It’s just a bunch of random bullshit missions you have to suffer through until you get to the premiere boss battles that all end after several minutes of lame cutscene transitions, you get to short parts where you actually get to DAMAGE the fucker, and then move on with more cinematic hollywood dog shit that Japan seems to think is awesome. Then the monsters have these ridiculous designs that not even fans of Shin Megami Tensei, with all their fucked up tastes, could learn to appreciate.

And the story makes no sense in the long run. You never get a gist of what in the hell is going on. Ok, so there’s a “Neo Umbrella” that is supposed to be Umbrella Corps ressurection, but in the end, you find out it’s a feud between 2 scientists who have some unresolved sexual tension.

……..Yeah, I’m probably not making this up. Some bitch called Carla wants to kill Simmons for some non-specific betrayal, but the most I can gather is that Simmons and Carla were dating, but Simmons wanted Ada Wong’s ass, so Carla spread the C-Virus to implicate Simmons….. I’ve no idea what the fuck is going on, really. To me, the whole game’s story came out due to a lover’s quarrel. And We’re supposed to accept that as the next logical step in Resident Evil’s ongoing legacy of bioterrorism.

This combined with all the arbitrary puzzles shoved into the game simply to pad out 5 short chapters per character makes this whole game feel desperate. It’s cinematic and overwhelming amount of QTEs was tiring and made the game feel more like a choir than a game. It tried to be everything from Heavy Rain to Gears of War (especially with Chris fighting in Edonia). It tried to please everyone, but in the end, pleased no one, not even Capcom’s greedy shareholders. It is the very essence of creatively bankrupt.

Resident Evil 6 is truly the death of Resident Evil and of people’s faith in Capcom’s ability to deliver on the same thrilling chills of the previous titles. And it shows with their ridiculous desires to turn the series into a-

*plays revelations*

……….Holy nutballs, this game kicks ass!