Category: Super Real


WHITE MALE SIMULATOR 2015
The game all white males have been waiting for. The game where you can feel like Eric Harris from the Columbine High School massacre. The game where you can kill innocents for enjoyment. The game where you are, by definition, a thug, but you won’t be called a thug because you are white. The game where you are literally a terrorist, but you won’t be called a terrorist because you are white. The game that Epic Games, the creators of the ubiquitous Unreal Engine, wants out of. The only objective: kill civilians. Killing civilians is the epitome of fun AND gaming. This game is edgy as fuck. Are you an edgy cunt and a lonely white male? Of course you are. That’s why you are strongly considering buying this game with the money you reserved for those promising penis enlargement pills you saw on that dangerously rough porn video you like to watch because you’re a disgusting cunt.

These youtube comments crack me up.

Why does this feel like some teenager looked at the controversies of GTA, Postal, Mortal Kombat, etc. and say “WOW! I WANNA BE JUST LIKE THOSE GUYS AND TOTALLY PISS OFF SOCCER MOMS!”

Wannabe controversy seems to be this game’s goal. Only problem is at this point, the game is about 15 years too late on the Jack Thompson bait. And a tad sour on the writing. Anyone diggin the gay ass speech at the beginning? It’s like they tried to make it “deep and bad ass” like every other trailer featuring a guy’s crusade against the world for taking something away from him… or some shit.

I’m still trying to decipher why developers feel the need to advertise their game engines, nevertheless use it for a game that’s goddamn monochrome! The last 3 games I bought all have the “Powered by Unreal Engine” logo like I give a rats ass. All but 1 of them suck, potentially less than this game will. You know what game has what Hatred has but is 20 times more awesome?

Not the first game I’d run to to scream “BLACK POWAH”, but the concept is the same. Except you have super powers! And the people who’s glorious asses you whoop actually like to talk shit, making that ass whoopin ever so sweet! You could drop in on some punk bitch who goes “Yo step off man or I’ma beat yo ass!”, and then you bitch slap him into red mist, and his peers cower in fear and run away, then you do a slow walk and be like “fuck with me, I’ll detonate your skull with one well-timed squat thrust!!” Damn I love this game! Shame the devs went under after this one (probably cause the main character is a you know what). Ain’t some random nice people just minding their business, these are assholes thinking they hot shit!

Can “Hatred” turn your arm into the Morning Star Vampire Killer!? I didn’t think so! Hatred is probably the dumbest fucking game to ever be developed. Only because the concept is so dry and tired, uninspired, shallow, and is just looking for attention. The title sucks more than the game and is shamelessly cashing in on some of the recent vigilante shootings going on in America and abroad.

Seriously though, it’s amazing how many people were upset over this game and how people started over analyzing themselves and their actions in other similar video games and I just thought… “what if this game was made for the gamers that over-analyze petty shit in video games?”

You know who I’m talking about. The kinds of nerdy people that are attracted to moral ambiguity as if that is the only kind of fax-intellectual stimulation you can gain out of any medium of entertainment. The amount of articles and blogs that people write about the themes of games like Metal Gear Solid, Borderlands, (in regards to Handsome Jack), Max Payne, Batman and the Joker, looking for their 15 minutes of fame to show off how pretentious they can be in analyzing  shit in games no one cares about? Hatred was really made for them.

Many of these articles are found oozing about how everything they do in Hatred is the exact same thing they do in other games (like the aforementioned Prototype 2). Then they go back and forth about “context and depictions of violence” and debating whether or not you really need an “excuse” to kick ass. Or who’s ass you’re kicking.

The issue that people should really spend more time debating about this game is whether or not it’s a misguided attempt at generating controversy or some half-assed political statement about the state of the industry. Reading all these articles and interviews, I’m getting a mixed message that this was a dev team wanting to troll the “gaming communities at large”, but on the other hand, they wax poetic about the industry becoming too P.C. and how all of your victims are killed equally regardless of race, or how video games where you kill many of your victims makes you a hypocrite by default.

“You kill, torture, dominate, humiliate and sin without consequences, but game designers always offer a thin veil of an excuse.”

Course, most games I played where I killed millions of enemies usually had the consequence of them attacking me en masse, but I digress. The developers are tackling an issue that doesn’t exist, especially with shit like Mortal Kombat X on the horizon. Either that or they played the Presequel and got really pissed off at Anthony Burch talking about how “Friend zones” are misogynistic. And if that’s the case, then hell I ain’t mad at em! Should’ve made a murder simulator featuring devs and pubs that overcharge for a fucking character DLC, nerf pretty good gear for no reason, and practically refuse to offer an actual patch for existing bugs and glitches in the game! All that aside, what we’re left with is a game that should never have been controversial in the first place, and probably got some leverage due to the mass shootings that sprung up from 2011 onward.

…..Dammit, now I want a Prototype 3, and I haven’t even played the first game.

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Diary of a snow shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. 2006
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: 2006
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: 2006
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: 2006
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 2006
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: 2006
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: 2006
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: 2006
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: 2006
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: 2006
Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24: 2006
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: 2006
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: 2006
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: 2006
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: 2006
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 2006
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: 2006
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: 2006
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: 2007
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Read more at http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/snowdiary.asp#VQXH1WgOD6CGsH11.99

My last post before departing again.

Well… now that Sonic Boom’s so-called “Rise” and immediate Fall came and gone like RGIII’s career, the Sonic fandom has to be feeling a much stronger level of remorse and frustration. It is much more disturbing to find that much more people feel that it is time for Sega to take it’s pooch out behind the barnyard and pump 2 barrels in it’s cranium.

To hear that the latest game in the Sonic series is almost “condescending” and treats all of it’s audiences like babies where as before, the series used to treat it’s audiences like adults (Casino levels and polluted power plants, especially) is jarring and offensive. But it is what it has come to be. People have never been so certain that the series needs an indefinite break.

But the truth is this. Sega will continue making Sonic games that will decline greatly in quality for each and every installment they pump out. And for most of us, it’s a difficult pill to swallow. As typical of fans, many want to stay around, hoping things will get better and Sega will get it’s act together. Others firmly believe that this is infact Sega’s “act” so to speak.

For many people in America, there is a newly entrenched and sweeping belief that corporations are machines that destroy things for profit. Most people had already figured this out, but it could’ve fooled you as many Americans annoyingly defended corporations for decades as a bastion of ambition and quality. The act of obtaining profits and material wealth was more important to the American psyche than anything else. The American Dream was all about material wealth “without strings attached” as they imply. After the BP oil spill, Americans started waking up to the realities of just how dangerous corporations really are. They are giant machines filled with sociopathic cogs, if you will, that believe all of humanity are jut warm bodies to extract wealth from. It fills me with delight that people around these are actually starting to fight back against corporate fuckery of this country, one small step at a time. Even hollywood is being fought against (though not as strongly).

There’s only one sector of the population that is still in honeymoon mode with corporations and that is the gaming population. We are still only people who will defend the practices of these companies even with their disastrous performances. When you start to detect a huge dip in quality for many of your favorite franchises, it’s done for the purpose of money. When businesses destroy something, it is for money.

In Sega’s instance, they have destroyed their company image and their mascot for the same exact reason. Think about it this way. Why do they continue to make retro collections of Sonic 1, 2, and 3 every console generation or so? I think an episode of Futurama touched upon this, actually. Some product called “Slurm” was a soft drink that came out of a slug’s ass. Literally. They had plans to turn leila (Some cyclops chick, I think that’s the bitch’s name) into a slug so that they could extract slurm from her. Though one worker noted that because she isn’t a natural slug, her slurm would taste fowl.  The queen said this was a good thing because they could turn around and make something called “new slurm”. Then when people were done hating it, they could turn around and make “slurm classic” and rake in millions.

Sega is using the same exact tactic.

Sonic games continue to be shit, so the frustrated masses would run to the games of higher quality… which are now over 25 years old. We get a taste of New Sonic and it tastes like cornbread. Sonic Classic makes us feel like fat fucks in a cookie store. As long as people feel they can go back and rebuy the old Sonic titles over… and over…. and over again, the more Sega feels justified in destroying Sonic over…. and over again.

It’s never been more clear at this point that Sega could not give a fuck about their customers or fans. It is when we can officially dub them a corporation on the same sociopathic scale as Comcast, BP, Wal-Mart, Capcom, most telecom companies, etc. Nothing speaks more volumes of this than their habitual and pathological lies regarding Sonic… and PSO2. Everyone who has played Sonic Boom can instantly feel that they’ve been lied to. It’s like every game they put out, there is a load of PR marketing that make the games out to be much greater than they are, and of course none of it actually worked because the games looked horrible from the get go. No amount of PR bullshit can make future Sonic games look sexier than 06. Sega used a LOT of nasty tricks to make Boom look better than it is. All those photos of BRB’s offices filled with Boom concept art is a trick to make people think they were “hard at work” trying to make the best game possible. You always need to be suspicious with any game production that has more “fluff” interviews than they do footage of actual gameplay. If you’re shown more about the people than their actual work, it’s best to stay away as they’re concerned about image rather than talent. Other times, they take the exact words of forum goers and use those exact words to advertise their next games (IE, the promises and lies in a nutshell). There are enough examples out there going on about Sonic’s glorious return to his “roots” than I could count on a finger. Then there’s the issue with Mike Bollocks (hehe), some 50+ grandpa fighting with people over the internet to defend Boom. Using an authority figure is probably one of the nastiest tactics you could use in any industry as people are afraid of authority as though it were the police.

But this is the kind of shit corporations do to woo the masses to their side. They get “people” to talk poetically about how awesome they are, and then turn around and screw everyone over. Like fracking, I recall a commercial, it was all black and white and had this old fart talk about the process of finding gas in rocks with some choice lines like “all it takes is an idea” or some inspirational shit that has no weight to it. When come find that fracking is harmful to the environment, the illusion of a beautiful new industry is broken.

W/e they use, it means they don’t give a fuck about you. Only their silver lining. Fans of Atlus have every reason to piss themselves in fear as it means Sega will destroy their own products for profit. Sega’s evolution to a corporate shitlord is unlike that of Nintendo, Capcom, Square, Namco, or any other company that has attained shitlord status. Sega is downright evil. I can’t think of any other game company that has erected wall between themselves and their customers thicker and sturdier than Sega.

The dilemma comes in the form of how Sonic can still be so iconic and memorable while having a stream of terrible games nonstop. Crash Bandicoot, Bomberman, who cares? Sonic? “Man I remember having that on the Genesis!” It’s impressive how many people can recall fond memories of the classics and not be aware that games are still being made. For those that do keep up, it has to be damned frustrating just knowing it’s going to get many times worse from here on out, yet still want to support and/or keep up with the series. We wish we knew how to quit it. Not quitting means in part supporting the very devils that control the series. There’s no petty feeling worse than knowing the stuff you love is controlled by sociopaths. If you want Sonic, you have to go to people that want to destroy it for money. How can you enjoy a series that keeps getting worse? It’s impossible to do, so obviously you have to give up on it. But you just don’t wanna!

There’s always the fan games, but gamers have been trained to love production values over substance, so there’s that dilemma. The comics are being rebooted to crap, so there’s another dilemma. No worth while cartoons either. I wouldn’t even count on that live-action movie doing any good for the series. Even if it turned out to be good, that gives Sega another excuse to sell garbage “New Sonic” to kids while creating “Sonic Classic” to quell the immediate backlash. It’s a “Sonic Cycle” of their own creation.

What is one to do for an icon that deep down… no one wishes to hate?

*sigh* And… that’s it for my vacation. Much appreciated for those bringing me up to speed on everything going on with Sonic Boom as well as Smash 4. Will probably be back for Christmas if me crappy job is willing. Cya darls!

In the midst of my absence

…….I think I’m gonna hurl.

I am a little… shocked. I didn’t expect people to still be commenting even though I’ve not posted a damn thing in the last….5 months, has it?

To reiterate and explain, I was renting out a new (read: 20 year old) house. Because it raped my pocket book, trying to get a laptop at these high ass prices (and the incredibly new experience of paying bills!)…… yeah. And… most of my entertainment money was going to used games anyway. Stupidly, I’m also living with a relative whom, in my deepest naivety, I decided would be the one to pay for internet as she is the one begging for it the most. Which I realize was a retarded idea as… she’s unemployed… and too lazy to find a job. Fuck me, right?

That being said, I’ve been out of the loop on gaming stuffs. Being on vacation thanks to the holidays, I’m visiting folks with internet for 3 days sooo… lemme stop blogging.

I can’t comment on Sonic Boom beyond having to shit myself with laughter with my coworkers at work over Knuckles’s design. 10 months in and it’s still ugly. Currently hearing that it’s just as shitty as I predicted it would be. Is it really more buggy than 06? Really? And before anyone asks, no I have not seen the cartoon. All I got is an antenna and RT International right now. I’m depressed as all get out. And very… very… cheap.

I did have a chance to play Smash 4 on a kiosk. As I’ve told one person thus far, the game feels smoother and slightly faster than brawl. That’s all I can really gather. The demo is so sparse. I tried Mega Man for a while, feels weird as all hell. I don’t know who’s idea it was to make Mega Man’s neutral melee the PEW PEW bullshit, and his smash attack the Mega Buster. It just makes him feel incredibly awkward to play. Speaking of awkward, I see Nintendo has a shit control layout for the game. Why in heaven’s name is X the jump button? I will never know. I can’t believe Mewtwo is supposed to be DLC (from a guy at work… who seems to be a total nerd).

The game’s roster looks strange and horribly planned out. As though there was no real thought put into it. I say that because of Freninja, one of the starter pokemon who has absolutely nothing significant going for it. Pikachu had the status of whored out mascot at least. Lucario has fans with bad taste, and Pokemon Trainer had Squirtle, the most bad ass starter of all! Freninja though? What was the point? It’s the most insignificant Pokemon to add. I mean hell, if you’re not gonna make Typhlosion a playable character

Then there’s characters like Robin who I assume no one knows and Nintendo just tossed him in for a chance to promote some lame ass game no one cares about. I was shocked that fucking SHULK from Xenoblade is in the game, so I’m proper pissed that the demo didn’t let me play him.

Even if I wanted to get the whole game for shits and giggles, my 2DS is busted. R button acts like it’s being pressed all the damn time. Wouldn’t be an issue if… half my games didn’t use the R button for something. Chaps my ass considering I forked over 100G’s for this thing… on sale. But my used DS Lites, Wii, PS3, and EVEN my damn PSP… works fine! New 2DS…. fucks up in less than 5 months. ARRRG I wanna bite Nintendo’s hardware division in the face! ALL the trouble shooting guides focus on that damn touch screen like anyone gives a rats ass about it! You’d think they’d fix this shoulder button problem from the original DS models a long time ago! 9 years of time to fix these problems, and a REFURBISHED DS LITE works better than this new bitch! It’s frustrating. I mean, The RSE remakes just came out and my shit is jacked up. I haven’t felt this level of frustration since my first Gamecube died.

It’s not fair… 😦

So… as usual, most of my game time was spent on consoles. The best thing about the Wii is finding games below $10. Which pissed me off considering most of them weren’t worth it. After all these years, I was finally able to track down a copy of Marvel Ultimate Alliance, it kicked ass. Ahhh… Marvel before Disney raped them to crumbs. Shit, they get taken straight to HELL in this game! That is how pimp Marvel was before Disney came in! I know ya’ll seen that Galaxy Guardians. Goddamn, they ruined Drax the Destroyer.

Anywho, before I go off ranting again, here’s a run down of all the tripe I’ve played up till now.

I’ve heard of these games for a while now and wouldn’t you know it? 5-9 bucks!? Shiiiiiiii!

Well, the first game is crap. Oh that’s a wonderful idea, assholes! Lets force the players to scramble through poorly designed minigames called “jobs” just so he/she can scrounge up enough money to progress the damn story! You know those moments in certain games where you have to accumulate enough capital to buy a certain item to progress the story? That’s the ENTIRE game of No More Heroes in a nutshell, and if that doesn’t sound fun to you, you’re not a hardcore gamer! And with that, I salute you for not being a fuck wit. This is probably a more tedious game than Skyward Sword… and I can’t even lie like that! Who in the graceful hell thought this kind of game would be fun!? Oh what’s that you say!? The real meat of the game is in the combat!? Well gee, that’s just swell, let me go around with these dodgy ass controls so I can decimate foes with ease… with the only challenge being that I take an extended break away from the action so I can run away… and shake the Wii Mote to recharge my sword just to get Travis Touchdown to look like he’s masturbating with his lightsaber 3 million buttfucking times in a… ugh.. *chuckles* “Masturbating”, “butt fucking” …I’m immature. Anywho, this is not good design for a plethora of reasons. One, in order to recharge your sword, you have to reach down and press the one button (it’s a nunchuck thing) just to get in buttpounding stance, the charge time for the sword is quite slow unless you take a break after you use like… 10% of the sword during a fight, you start facing enemies that can massively drain your sword in a matter of seconds, and using a motion control for something that juvenile in every fight is not only bad taste but also tiring. I assume that’s why every non-combat moment of the game is dedicated to time wasting jobs which is nothing more than the developer’s asinine way of padding out the game. If you’re not gonna make the… REAL game long enough to satisfy exactly why people play the game, don’t make it at all! Game length wouldn’t be a problem if the game had enough FUN stuff to do!

Now fortunately, Suda got the right idea that the first game blew enough chunks to fix damn near EVERY problem I had with it in the second game. No More Heroes 2 is pretty damn awesome. The combat is much smoother, the controls aren’t as wonky, you don’t have to perform stupid jobs to progress the story (just click on the next fight after each and every one), and the “jobs” are actually awesome now. They took a page from history and made them into NES styled games. Shit, now I WANT to play them all! And I don’t have too! They even have a job that plays out like Mach Rider. Goddamned Mach Rider! This game was officially awesome from that point on. Though you still have the fantastic nonsense of having to jack off your sword, you at least get new swords to play with… ahem, excuse me. Point is, this is a rare example (in my case, at least) of how a sequel can improve over the original without really losing the qualities of the original that people enjoyed (which is unfortunate as the content of the game is still pretty damn juvenile.

FPS’s on Wii are, in my opinion, quite terrible. While I’ve enjoyed the Conduit games, the rest of them have the essence of “no shits given” written all over them. Why? Well, it could be that the majority of them feel like they reused the same damn engine that came from Red Steel 1. And lemme tell you that Red Steel 1 is some aaaaaaaaaaaaaaass!!!

This was a launch title, I’m aware, so obviously it was gonna be pretty lame, but man. The story is typical but likable. Hot asian babe with the phattest ass is kidnapped by the yakuza, so it’s up to you to grab a beer and kick some rear. And I mean that quite literally. You get a simulation of what drunken sword fighting feels like.

The major “break through” for this game was showing off the Wii mote’s potency of creating a life-like tate (I think that means Sword Battle in japan or some shit?). That mission failed hard. Prepare to be frustrated to no end with how terrible the motion controls in this game are. And it has nothing to do with accurate sword swings. It has everything to do with why people hate Sonic and the Black Knight. The mother fucker won’t swing his sword as soon as you swing the mote! So it’s like a button motion, you swing at a certain velocity just so they can react half a second later. This was the same problem with Soul Calibur Legends and plenty of Wii games. Treating the motions as though they were a button press. It’s the core of why people thought motion controls were stupid and couldn’t replace face buttons and a good ol’ fashion controller for the thumbs.

But hell, even if they were any good, the enemies wouldn’t let you feel like a bad ass. See, combined with bad controls, you also have enemies that can kick your ass without even thinking. They can (and will) block damn near all of your attacks and do like 3-4 sword strikes that you won’t be able to block in time because trying to block requires you to flick the nun-chuck, but that shit reacts too late as well. So you’re just sitting there flailing your arms about like an asshole while the AI is just sitting there whoopin yo ass so hard, you’d think you were playing Ninja Gaiden. There was absolutely no reason for combat to be this tedious especially considering that motion controls were a “new trend” this day in age. It’s the one time I WANTED the game to treat me like a retard.

Outside of sword play is a little better. Regular old FPS combat where it feels like the enemies are bullet sponges. IE they can take bullets to every part of their body. The aliens in the Conduit games are pussies compared to the Yakuza! Even aiming at enemies feels like a choir. Still… much more fun than sword fights. The worst thing about the gun fights is praying to Amma that you don’t run into a random sword battle. In every level, after several gun fights, you come to random sword fights where there’s only ONE mother fucker in the room. When you finished, you get SWARMED with enemies, it’s just crazy and as nonsensical as can be!

As horrible as this game can be, there’s like… one level I enjoyed, and that was the one with the creepy talking rabbit in a fun house. It’s… pretty weird.

Now, again, another rare example of a sequel improving immensely on the original in every way imaginable. Hell, Red Steel 2 is the shit! Let me be the one to say that this is the only…. and I mean… the ONLY Wii game that has precise and accurate sword swings. Ubisoft put Nintendo to shame. Hands down, this game rocks. I don’t like the shift from an urban city in Japan to some crappy western setting. What I like is that they don’t lock you into a specific combat mode like in the first game, you can lash out with the sword strikes, or blast the bitches into smithereens. And it’s so seemless. You also get bitchin super powers and whoop whole sale ass that way too, if you want. The game is pretty short and the environments are the only really lazy part of the game. But if you wanted a sword fighter on Wii, man pick this shit up if possible. It is a BEAST!

It’s ass.

Now, I actually liked these games on the Neo Geo and otherwise. I used to show off my crappy math skills measuring just how to richochet a ball off the wall, bustin all kinds of moves, my fams were hatin…. yeah… this game’s…. kinda like that?

Idk what I was expecting. I love the Bust a Move games like crack, but this game felt… empty. Like there’s no meat to it. It just has 1 player and multiplayer which… is jacked up. Multiplayer isn’t like Tetris Party where each player has their own column to play in, everyone is jammed into one giant column where they kinda have to work together to keep the balls from collapsing. So if you were like a pro-beast-god (like me) and you had the perfect shots lined up, another player could aim where you’re aiming and completely fubar your shot! Goddamn that pisses me off! The game is incredibly sparse of anything resembling replay value and only relies on your complete love and dedication to the Bust a Move series to even marginally enjoy it. Puzzle games (the FUN shit, not the Adventure game bullshit) should have some tangible rewards for playing them over and over again. But this game has nothing. This really is a game for when you’re just bored.

I’ve never been a fan of music games… no wait, that’s a lie, I did buy that… DDR game with the dance pad and everything…… ok fuck it, I like music games. Just don’t give me any of that guitar hero bullshit. Course, the last music game I bought had licensed crap. If I had known there was a goddamned Beiber song in DDRWii, I would’ve cancelled my order! Ah well. Obviously bought Samba De Amigo because Sega was the only company producing anything worth while on  the Wii…. but I had no idea how addictive it was. It’s like every song on this disc is ear sex mang! Sure it’s licensed crap, but they’re also legitimately good songs. Sega has good taste in music, you’ve gotta admit.

I’ve not played the original on Dreamcast, but I can’t imagine doing so now. The way the game works is strange at first. Like… you gotta shake the wiimote and nunchuck at certain elevations and shit. It’s hard to explain, but it’s addictive! I can’t stop playing it for some reason. I’m A ranking every damn song I can play! Ya’ll gonna have to kick me off of this bitch! I’m having the time of my life!

There were plenty of other Wii games I’ve played, but the list would be too long. I’ll just move on to PS3 games.

I’ve never had a taste for turd person shooters. Their awkward over the shoulder camera shouldered with crappy controls turned me off from just about every game that was turd person. Starhawk contains… none of this, actually. It’s probably the only turd person shooter I like. And not because the main character is African. If I was that desperate for positive representation in a video game, I wouldn’t have sold it so soon afterward.

But.. yah, the game is nice. It’s so smooth, combat is bitchin, it has that element of strategy and ingenious ways of taking down enemies in your own special way, man, I’d put Starhawk on a list of PS3 games that you’d need to own.

So why did I sell it? Well, you see… I’ve played many PS3 games and have built up an enormous intolerance for dev/publisher practices that cry “bullshit” which tears at my ears and my balls. Many stupid practices abounds for this console. But none so great than the incredible… and undeniably fucking retarded practice… of requiring an internet connection…. FOR LOCAL MULTIPLAYER!

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

Read my lip… WORDS! You have to be ONLINE….to play OFFLINE MOTHER FUCKER! No coop for you internet-less bitches! You take deez 10 levels and SHOVE IT!!!

Words… could not describe… the level of my pisstivity. I enjoy coop, and a game that FUCKING ADVERTISES the local coop on the back of the box… should have it OUT the box! Don’t try to hamstring your bullshit “Online features” on a feature that should be fucking free! What’s WRONG with PS360 developers/Publishers?! Are they nutz!?

Nevermind the fact that without internet, you have access to absolutely NOTHING on the disc but the 10 level storymode that is shorter than the entirety of Sonic Heroes. So for the most part, you just have a blank slate.

It was such a nice game too.

Not the localized cover art

Buying PS3 games on a whim is a pretty stupid idea considering just how expensive these games are. Fortunately, EDF2025 was only about half the price of a new game… and not shit.

We’re talking a game that has 85 levels of alien blasting goodness. Tired of all those combat games with crappy missions like escorts, defending, rescuing and shit? Well get ready for a combat shooter that is ALL… ABOUT…. SHOOTING STUFF! The mission of this game is simple. Kill… fucking… everything! As long as you can get over that horrible framerate!

EDF 2025 is damn fun, but runs like shit. The frame rate in this game is the only really flaw (and some long ass load times to boot), but otherwise it’s fine. You have 4 character classes to choose from…. well only 2, actually. Because only 2 of them are usual. The Trooper is your basic soldier on foot… and then you have chicks that can fly (I forgot their names). The other 2 is the Air Raider that… has no actual…attacks. And the Fencer that is too damn slow to move. But w/e the case, the game feels like a slower Starhawk with giant bugs, robot, and alien space ships as your worst enemies. Shit, you have fucking DRAGONS to deal with as well! And the dragons are sneaky bastards that can snag you in their mouths from off screen! GAAAH I hate those bastards, up until I got my AF20 V. HOWZIT TASTE MOTHER

It has the issue of restricting you to using 2 guns, which makes the game more difficult than it needs to be as you have to really think about what guns you want to take with you on certain levels. It’s like Custom Robo in a way, the right combination of weapons determine your victory. Except only having 2 weapons is bullshit for a game that likes to swarm your ass with a buttload of enemies that, if you’re not careful, can rape you to crumbs in a matter of seconds. These bugs have all kinds of shit that can mess you up. Like the spiders. If those vicious fucking cunts snag yo ass in their webs, you are done for and should accept your inevitable defeat. There is literally no escape from that ass whoopin. If you ain’t got the right weapon to handle all of these different enemy swarms, it becomes literally impossible to win. But at least you can… EXPERIMENT with all of your different combinations and what not to see what works.

Overall, if you can get past the horrid framerate and restricted weapon storage, it’s a fine game in it’s own right. And yes, the spiders are assholes.

Considering my level of depression over Fergusion… and only having RT to watch which is depressing as fuck, there was only one genre I could pay attention to. The dreaded RPGs! To date, I’ve played like… 5 Tales games. Phantasia, Symphonia, Symphonia 2, Abyss, Xillia, and Xillia 2. Wait, that’s 6… shit.

I don’t really know what drew me to these games in the first place.

SHUT UP!!

I was in the whole “try something new” phase as I was getting tired of playing fighting games, and picked up Xillia on a whim. Instantly, throughout the first half of this game, I wrote it off as shit for having characters that felt pretentious and boring from the start. And for some reason, it came off as secretly stereotypical. Jude Mathis looks the most asian of the bunch, is a doctor and knows karate… or Bajiquan or w/e. Milla is probably some interpretation of how Joan of Arc would look if Namco was trying to make a hentai, and Alvin is a guy with a gun who’s looking for money. Obviously he’s American! The game’s story went no where and I got bored immediately. I put it down and found a copy of the Symphonia collection, but seeing just how dull Xillia was, I dared not make a hasty judgment! Of course, the Gamestop clerk assured me that this game was superior to Xillia in every way imaginable, and it was only $20. Fuck it!

Turns out he wasn’t bullshittin. Symphonia WAS better… up until you get to tellethia. No wait, that’s Xenoblade. The hell was it’s name, it’s… Tethe ALLAH or some shit. See, first thing they did right was make the characters a lil’ mo interesting. Despite being an over-exaggerated fuckwit, Lloyd Irving is a likable hero. And I swear that guy did the voice of Robin from Teen Titans. On a whole, the series is… funny. It’s hard for me to resist a game that has a good dose of comedy, and Symphonia’s got it at least. Story wise, it starts off better than Xillia, but then comes to a screeching halt when you get to the… the Tethe…dimension or w/e and the whole game starts to blow chunks. It feels like most of the dungeon design came straight out of Aonuma’s crusty arse, except you’re 100% more likely to get stuck at certain spots. The puzzles in these dungeons are not only tedious, they’re also incredibly illogical. For example, the Earth Temple has these midget fucks that won’t let you pass until you…. leave the whole dungeon…. to fetch some damn curry.

…….No, this actually happens. There is literally a dungeon in a video game that sends you on a little fetch to feed a midget. First off, the characters are twice his fuckin size. Considering how much of a smartass Lloyd, Sheena, Genis, Raine, and that pretentious ass Zelos all are, you would think one of them would have the bright idea to suggest “yo, stomp this mother fucker right here and now! He’s only like 1 centimeter high! COME ON! DO THE MARIO!”. No, you literally have to leave the dungeon, find some ingredients, go back IN the dungeon….. and cook the mother fucking curry! The world is in peril, I ain’t got time for this culinary bullshit! Let that midget asshole cook his own damn food!

The illogical stupidity doesn’t stop there. There’s Ymir forest, probably the worst goddamn dungeon in an RPG ever, has you trying to enter an elven village. But… a young boy who is sick… somehow has all the strength and willpower to stand up and block your path. he says he needs a special kind of fruit to cure his illness. but how do you get this fruit. It’s on a tree. See Ymir forest is basically just a lake with small islets and wooden bridges. You have these special types of flowers which act like whistles. You blow them to call on certain animals. You can call boars to ram trees, and fish to swim around. What you have to do is get a boar to ram a tree with this special fruit so it can drop in the water. THEN…. then, you have to call several fishes to… literally push the fruit all the way to where you can actually grab it. And, there’s a pretty elaborate sequence in which you have to call these animals and if you break the sequence in any way, you have to start back to square fucking one! And this process is long and dull… and boring. You have to constantly move around the dungeon to different flowers, call upon different animals to egh… it’s stupid… tedious, and completely unnecessary. And I DO mean unnecessary. You know why? There’s a character named Colette, she’s like Lloyd doormat love interest that everyone rightfully hates for being too damn nice. She has the power to grow angel wings and fly. Why is this important? The fruit the boy needs… is stuck high into a tree. Colette… can fly high! You see what I’m sayin!? Colette’s dumb ass could simply pick the fuckin fruit so we can take it to the sick bitch and move the fuck on!

Gah! This game started off so well, and as you progress, it just becomes more unbearable, and it feels like the game just drags after a while. The game starts producing way too many characters for you to keep track of, and the gaps between when you see these characters again are pretty long. I think there was some chick that Lloyd promised to rescue from some human ranch, and we don’t see the bitch again for like… 10 more hours of game time?! I forgot she existed!

And man this game knows nothing of balance in the difficulty. There’s no excuse for why the final boss is easier than the first boss or why certain enemies tend to jump up in difficulty at certain points. It’s an otherwise decent game that becomes shit about an hour in a half in. Which is a surprise to me as the game’s sequel (Dawn of a new world) happens to be leagues better. Sure, you only get 2 playable characters while the rest of your army is a bunch of Pokemon rejects, but it’s twice as funny, has reasonable dungeon design, and probably has the most bad ass villain this series has ever produced… second only to Dhaos, but still kinda awesome. The problem with the sequel is that it really is just a retread of old territory, there are very few new areas in the game, and worst yet, you have to revisit older dungeons and do completely revised versions of the last game’s puzzles (Lightining Temple, anyone?) The only good thing about that is that they’re nowhere near as wretchedly tedious as the BS Symphonia weaved for it’s players.

You might notice that I don’t talk about how all of these games play. That’s because if you played one Tales games, you’ve played them all. Well… except Phantasia, it kinda plays worse… but happens to be more awesome than the rest of the series. Why is that? Story is actually kinda… simple? Evil wizard threatens Time and Space. You, a knight of valor, takes on a few friends to kick his ass! Fuck yeah! None of this pretentious new age anime shtick where we overly philosophize the same damn concept of discrimination and repeat the mantra of “All life is precious”, fuck that pussy shit! Evil Wizard over there, kill dat ass! And it’s also a hilarious game too!

All these Tales games are comedy gold to a greater degree than I expected. I think Xillia gave me a crap perception of the series because I wasn’t about to give this shit a second look.

Then… we get to Tales of the Abyss. Now, you want a shitty Tales game, look no further. If you wanted to play a game where every character was an asshole, you don’t go to Jak 2, you go to this mother fucker right here. Honorable mention goes to a precocious little bitch called Anise. The fans can tell you why. But yeah, this game breeds asshole characters like congress breeds asshole policies like a rabbit. Starting with the main character named Luke. He’s a rich kid who’s forbidden to leave his residence because he was kidnapped years ago and lost his memory. And he desperately wants to leave. Which makes his asshole demeanor understandable… to a degree. But then, he gets warped out of the castle during a huge fight and bitches and moans about wanting to go home. Care to make up your mind, dipshit? He continues being an asshole until he sees someone get stabbed… and then he accidently kills someone… and starts becoming a pussy…. then relapses into an asshole when his personal trainer slash gay fantasy father promises to help him escape the castle so they can… live together, I guess. It’s… kinda dumb. The asshole tendencies all start with Luke and kinda spreads out to everyone else when Luke feels like he’s done something absolutely terrible… and it starts feeling like everyone’s taking advantage of his pussified state and relieving themselves of all that pent up rage… which kinda backfires when Luke starts feeling suicidal, and everyone is suddenly wanting him to not kill himself. The game can be summed up like this.

Chapter 1

Luke: My life sucks.

Other Characters: Yep, your life sucks.

Chapter 2

Luke: HEY! I’M ROYALTY! LISTEN TO ME PISS AND MOAN!

OC’s: Mmmhmm, Mmmhmm.

Chapter 3

Luke: I don’t wanna kill people. I’ll to behave a little from now on.

OC’s: Luke’s kind of an asshole, eh? But he’s funny at least!

Chapter 4

Luke: BLARGH I’M DE AMBASSADOR!

OC’s: Man, fuck this guy, seriously!

Chapter 5

Luke: NOOOOOOOO! I just wanted to save lives.

OC’s: YOU FUCKED UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Chapter 6

Luke: Ok, for realz though, I;m serious, I’m going to behave now! Here, I’m gonna cut my own hair to prove it!

OC’s: Haha! You suck Luke! You’re such a retard!

Chapter 7

Luke: Man… I really suck. I’m a clone that only exists to ruin some other guy’s life or something.

OC’s: You’re also really stupid… and a piece of turd nuggets! Punk Bitch! No one respects you because wtf you’re our idiot!

Chapter 8

Luke: I guess… I have to kill myself.

OC’s: Yeah that’s ri… wait, if he kills himself, we lose our own doormat%$&# NO! DON’T KILL YOURSELF! WE LOVE YOU LUKE!

Chapter 9

Luke: It’s settled! I’ll save the world by becoming An Hero!

OC’s: YOU BITCH! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!!

…It’s kinda like that. There are so many things wrong with Abyss, it’s not even funny. As I’ve said before, Luke does something incredibly  stupid that ends up killing an entire village of people which ends up with him being dissed by his peers… and then Anise reveals that she was a traitor to the group all along…. and everyone forgives the little shit. There’s also an overwhelming amount of technobabble…..

……Fuck… I got carried away with these Tales games. In the end, I went back to Xillia, finished it, cheered on for Alvin kicking Jude’s bitch ass across the field, got dissappointed by the ending, and checked out Xillia 2 in hopes that it’s actually an improvement. And it was. Instead of having some boring intro about a med student needing to get a permission slip signed, you get an intro about ASSASINS KICKING ASS! It’s so strange finding sequels that turn out to be better than the originals.

Usually, I tend to come to sequels that suck bitter ass.

It’s honestly the same exact game as the last one with better levels, movelists and music, and more characters. Still good.

I just know someone is going to say “Wow Heru, you tend to like games you shit talked before playing, maybe you should shut the fuck up and play Sonic Boom now!”

Yes, it’s true. I Like…. The Presequel. In a strange twist of fate, Gearbox or whoever actually seemed to mitigate whatever in the fresh hell was wrong with the damage scaling of Borderlands 2. Meaning the game is fucking playable! To an extent, more on that later. But lets take a look at what they got right.

The main characters have action skills that aren’t 3 degrees below whale shit for once (Only Axton’s turret was ever useful in 2), the Cryo element is probably the most helpful element introduced in this series (so much better than that stupid slag), slamming is also useful for shaking off melee enemies, you no longer have to rely on legendary guns to do more than tickle your enemies to death, and best of all, we finally get a vehicle that can jump! The game is probably the funniest in the series yet with humor that doesn’t try so hard to be an internet meme (admit it, BL2 humor wanted to appeal to the internet so fucking much).

What did they get wrong? Well, obviously the game has stupid DLC practices as the last 2 games, but more insulting is just how glitchy the game is. I have run into so many bugs going into True Vault Hunter Mode, it’s gotten to the point that I cannot even progress to the final boss!Yes, unlike Skyward Sword or Other M, you cannot accidentally trigger a game breaking bug. Shit just happens. So currently, I’m stick at this “Pass through the Breach” bullshit where Jack goes on rushing people and doesn’t bother to update my mission progress, the douche. It’s Pandora’s Tower all over again.

And the first thing they release is on-disc DLC for Handsome Jack at $10. Ain’t dat a B? Another thing is how much of a bitch Lilith has become, but that’s a different topic altogether. Presequel would’ve been better than #1 if not for the bugs or that piece of shit grinder that keeps giving me crap loot!

*sigh* That’s a basic gist of what I’ve been doin for the last 5 months, aside from freezing to death in my basement and tossing bricks at them singing cats. Dammit, I need to catch up on Mortal Kombat X and hope Boon is not fucking it up any further.

With that said, who expected Shadow the Hedgehog to be ruined so mercilessly in Boom? I sure as hell didn’t.

 

 

Their old allies, Philips, is suing their asses.

Now I know why Microshit is selling Kinect-less Xbones. 😀

Philips talks about Nintendo being willfully blind, but who in the green hell was supposed to know about a “virtual body control device”?

Reading the contents, Philips could pretty much sue Sony and Microshit for the same damn reason. But why target Nintendo? Could be a number of reasons.

1. Nintendo advertised their consoles as being motion controlled wonders. Sony and Microshit didn’t get on board with “motion controls” until after the Wii’s popularity, and even Sony had motion controllers at the start of their console launch though it had limited promotion… or mention.
2. Nintendo are at a stage of financial instability?
3. Targeting a competitor that is not in the public’s favor is a pretty smart move. If they went after Sony, they might fall pray to public scorn as Sony is the “darling” of the interwebs. Microshit… not so much, but is a European (or if you want to be anal about it, “American”) owned company and thus, they are more or less part of the tribe. That and the gaming industry has been “after” Nintendo for years. What better time to strike than when-(refer to 2).

What counts as a “virtual body control device”? Or “Interactive Virtual Modeling Device”? It makes this lawsuit sound fishy. I’ve looked up the company’s products and the most I can dig out are regular home appliances like washing machines, tea kettles (fucking serious…), CD players, DVD and BluRay players, PC products, and even Healthcare systems. All of this comes from the “research and development” sector, which tells me dick other than “they were making shit up in their free time.” And their other patent claim, they didn’t even send a letter to Nintendo about infringement of their “pointing devices” but instead suggests that Nintendo “just knew” they were ripping them off.

Wait… now that I think about it, Nintendo was boasting a lot about how they plan to get involved into the realm of “health”. They were creating a whole new business division in their company dedicated to health and wellness and trying to combine that with “entertainment”. Afterall, there has to be a reason that we have 2 goddamn Wii Fit characters in Smash 4! And Philips has developed loads of healthcare products thus far, including imaging software and ultrasound. Maybe this is Philips’s way of stamping out the competition? And those Trauma Center games

Nah, this lawsuit is too vague to even matter in the long run. Don’t even know why I brought up Atlus games. Funny enough, this isn’t the first time Nintendo has been sued for using motion technology in their games. I remember there was a case back in 07 or 08 that some random company no one has ever heard of wanted some free money. Nintendo still walked away shittin cheese.

I’ve never heard of another company getting sued for motion controlled games aside from Nintendo. Is that coincidental? Even Sony admitted to using motion controls back on the PSX. Something called the “Pelican”. And Sega had the Airpad on Saturn. And even House of the Dead 4 has motion controlled light guns…. then again, Nintendo was the only one that raked in profits. >_>

I bet Nintendo is looking back at that CDI partnership with salty tears.

……I suppose I should explain why I deleted my last post. My stance on the matter is unchanged and has nothing to do with w/e was in those 18+ comments (I wasn’t about to read no essays either). Visiting my dear mama on M-Day, we had a talk about certain things that go on in this crazy ass world, she gettin old and a lot of shit disturbs her like how people can say absolutely cruel things freely over the internet. I’m like “……shit“.

And damned proud of it. Happy mother’s day, bitches.

That Concerned Reader can kiss my ass though. 😛  Anywho, I caught one of the comments mentioning Malstrom writing something similar about this. Haven’t read his blog since he started raving about the stupidity of College Students or w/e. He made a recent post in response to a Scott. I don’t see where this is social commentary or even a political thing, it’s just some random fa…ge… fage, that’s a fruity yogart, isn’t it? Oh, Ammut is gonna eat my ass alive. A random gay person took offense to the fact that he/she could not marry the same sex of his/her partner’s Mii. That to me sounds utterly ridiculous and something unnecessary to think is wrong with the game. The fact that websites were blowing the fuck up over it anyway is disturbing as hell. The fact that Nintendo quickly made a statement to appease them actually pisses me off. As I said previously, we can’t get a good Starfox, Metroid, or a Zelda because they all have their own ideologies about game design, but they were clearly afraid of pissing off gays any further. That is the real problem. Remember when Chick Fila got into some shit cause the manager didn’t want to serve gays?

It’s a damn Chicken Joint!

Ironically, they’re still in business. I’m assuming that’s gonna be blamed us. >_>

And I think back…. seeing how everyone talked shit about the Africans that were pissed over Resident Evil 5, or how everyone shit talked Christians who thought Pokemon was “Satanic”, or how everyone talks shit about Jack Thompson and… “anyone” really about video game violence, you have to seriously think how fucking backward this country is. I could infer how homosexuality is a piece of European heritage and Europeans are damned serious about making everyone accept their culture while actively rejecting everyone else’s (or accepting it when they see use/profitability in it), but when you have (as one commenter pointed out) games like Dragon Age that have gay marriage as a feature, along with several other games (I think Fable has it as well?), crying about ONE fucking game that doesn’t have it, regardless of the “bug” that allowed it previously… is obnoxious. I don’t whine about every negative image of Africans in video games (which happens frequently, I might add) because it’s never gonna fuckin change, and besides that, there’s some positives I can find in certain games. You get one instance where you’re not represented and it’s suddenly a problem? This would ENCOURAGE people to NOT tolerate gays because they would see it as an imposition of their ways. I’ve heard this one cat talk about how they have elementary schools reading to kids these little books or poems like “I’ll be the greatest queen in mommy’s heels” and I’m like “what!?”. This the kind of shit that makes homeschooling look attractive. People usually go on about “it’s cool, as long as you keep it away from me”, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.

I don’t see it as a political thing, nor do I see how this is a “hardcore problem” (how the fuck do you even come to that conclusion?), I see it as partially imperialistic. If you don’t have gay content in your game, you shouldn’t feel pressured to put it in. Seeing as Nintendo eagerly tries to calm the waters with gays while they continue to piss off all their fans is just….. yeah. Nintendo is pretty stupid these days, but this

I mean hardcore gamers hate gays as much as a christian would, least from what I see.

Pac-Man will be banned because it only glamorizes a heterosexual relationship.

I actually thought that was funny.

Ehg.. you would not believe the shit I had to sit through. My mother wanted to see that “Amazing Spiderman 2”. I was like “Oh lawd”. She goes to see the Winter Soldier (good ass movie) and now she’s all hyped up for X-Men. We come out the theater all pissed off and shit, she wanted a refund right off the back! I told her “I’m sorry you had to see that”. Come on, Harry Osborn in the prison crying “I NEED YOU! I NEED YOU!” like a lil’ bitch. Some 14 year old goth kid wrote this script.

Miyamoto doesn’t do Greek. Nintard tears.

I really shouldn’t touch this, but it’s too hilarious.

So for what will be one of the most retarded games Nintendo will ever release, we’ve got fans that requested that gay marriage be a feature in the game. And Nintendo… basically said they didn’t want to make the game for social commentary. And… a “Marini” is offended by this.

“I want to be able to marry my real-life fiancé’s Mii, but I can’t do that,” Marini said in a video posted online that attracted the attention of gaming blogs and online forums this week. “My only options are to marry some female Mii, to change the gender of either my Mii or my fiancé’s Mii or to completely avoid marriage altogether and miss out on the exclusive content that comes with it.”

More and more, I’m tempted to use the phrase “it’s just a game” even though I piss and moan about a lot of games.

I give Nintendo a lot of shit, but they’ve done nothing wrong in this context. The implications of this “story” would paint a more fucked up picture of the company than usual. Knowing how crazy white folks are, Nintendo is probably going to be labeled as a company that is “against” gays or gay marriage in general (considering gay marriage is illegal in Japan as ABC points out). The only thing they’ve done wrong was create this piece of shit game. Putting in Gay Marriage isn’t an issue, the game is gay enough as it is. But Nintendo always pusses out on controversial material, I doubt they’ll budge unless there’s money to lose from it. I’m not sure how implementing gay marriage as a “feature” is social commentary, but w/e the case, I’m predicting Nintendo will come under fire for shit like this. By the end of this decade, it will be considered a hate crime NOT to be inclusive to gay people. Mark my words.

Young people need standards and stop tolerating everything. That’s all I’m gonna say on it.

 

I’m sure I’m gonna be told that “i’m just too old for this shit”, but is it just me or is gaming not looking so hot these days?

We have 2 new consoles released with headlines cheering for frontloaded sales that mean nothing in the end. And what are the highlights of these 2 machines? Games you can readily get on your current consoles. Knack has very little appeal, a main character that is the personification of a literal giant puppet clusterfuck isn’t the hottest idea to throw around, even with tabloids going bonkers over it’s piddly UK sales beating Mario 3D World (no shit, it’s a Pii U game), and then you have the shooting games no one needs. Call of Duty Ghosts literally failed to maintain steam for the series despite it’s overwhelming fame and eternal scorn of the hardcore (and Resident Evil fans everywhere). Then you have the shitty Sonic game no one wanted. Did I not say it would go out with a whimper? Despite all of the FUCKING HYPE, Lost Mind’s buzz evaporated faster than Pikmin 3’s.

Super Smash Bros. 4 is generating no interest. And why should it? The most Nintendo has bothered to show are returning characters that no one likes aside from Sonic, 3 new characters that are all avatars, and a Mega Man guest appearance stamped with the words “Too little too late to the party”. Not to mention boring stages from crappy games (Skyloft, Bottle Ship, Mario Galazy levels, the fucking train from Spirit Tracks, animal crossing, and goddamn pilot wings).

Fighting games are all turning into animu combo fests, my precious Soul Calibur has been ruined beyond all reason, and I don’t know what the fuck Capcom was thinking when they made SF4 and SFxT. They don’t feel anything like appropriate fighters but some ass cheese that SNK could easily shit out with little effort. It’s that “Japanese quirkiness” bullshit that is destroying fighting games (Blazblue, Persona Arena, that Aquapazza gayest name ever with porno school girls)

That redhead is a goddamn hentai character.

The irony is that DOA is probably the most fun I’ve had with fighters of this generation, second only to MK9. It’s truly an awful feeling that even with the higher “technological  prowess” and bigger budgets that fighting games of today feel incredibly inferior to those of yester. Fighter’s History Dynamite eats SF4 for breakfast.

All Western and Japanese games look exactly the same. Gone are the days of the Genesis and SNES where walking into a Blockbuster meant finding so many games that looked and felt distinctive from each other, no you can actually SEE that there is nothing different from each and every game that’s out. All the HD titles have the “dark and grim” shooting/dark fantasy shit going on while everything that’s japanese has “moeblob” all over dat ass. All the while Sega makes faker food than McDonalds and Nintendo gets bomb threats in Japan for making constantly shitty platformers not named NSMB or Kirby. You’d think owning a BS3, I wouldn’t have to continue searching for anything worth while. But now I have to think of the FPS/Dark fantasy shit the same way I think of the Just Dance games on Wii. Piles of dung to dig through looking for worth while games. Or settle for the tried and true popamole god!

Capcom is about to go bankrupt. Who cares anymore? Nintendo might cancel Pii U nextyear (they won’t). Who cares? 2 voice actors (of Luigi and Tails) including one live actor (Luigi in the Mario cartoon) all died this month. A “winter of death” perhaps? Funny how this happens a year after Obama gets elected…….again.

This is the feeling of disinterest in gaming. After getting burnt several times by a constant stream of ass games, a feeling of consistent buyers remorse discourages me from even trying newer games. The most fun I’ve had with a BS3 are old BS2 collections like DMC, Zone of Enders and Ratchet and Clank. It’s easy to understand why people continue to demand backwards compatibility. If decade old fossils are more enjoyable than the newest games coming out, you know the industry is fucked.

Yep, the BS3 is truly the last console I will ever buy if gaming is going to look and feel exactly the same as it did this past generation. The best value console you can get is the classic game console series featuring Atari and Sega Genesis. They’re only $40 and them bitches come pre-packed with 76-80 mother fucking games. And you know what? That’s the best christmas gift you could buy your snot nosed kids this year. It’s economically sound, and you don’t have to buy anything else extra. Shiiit. Look at dat variety bitch! The Sonic games from an era when things made sense, Streets of Rage, SHADOW DANCER!? Shit, if I didn’t have emulation, I’d buy that myself!

Perhaps I should find a writer who’s batshit enough to own a BS4 to keep up to date with how much worse gaming has gotten.

It’s just fascinating how the world changes so rapidly. A couple of years back, I would easily proclaim that Japan would make better games than western devs primarily based on the diversity and variety of their games. You could always find something new and exciting among their software.

These days, however, I’d want to grab a timestone and go back to kick myself in the nuts. The Gaming Industry and the environment in which gamers thrive has been engulfed by Computer Centric Design (Or PC gaming).

What made Japan such a prominent force back in the day that makes their foundation crumble? The death of Arcades everywhere but Japan.

You see, Japan, when designing games for an Arcade environment, can do some incredible shit when given the right conditions. Shooting games, Action titles, you name it, you can remember all sorts of action games from them. The West, when designing games for a Computer/PC environment, can do some incredible shit when given the right conditions. RPGs. Strategy games, First Person Shooters, you name it, you can remember all sorts of adventure games from them.

Japan owned the Arcade world while the West owned the Computer world. They are both efficient in these key areas. Asia knows how to create better and more suspensiful action sequences than do Americans (you can tell this by their martial arts films having much better choreography and attention to detail while American MA films are mostly samey with one guy easily taking down a mob). As such, Japan could make better action games than the west in many cases. They were perfectly suited for the arcade where action games ruled.

On the other hand, Europe knows how to create better stories and fantasies than Japanese (you can tell this by their books such as the Lord of the Rings where the elements of fantasy and suspense can hook you better than Japanese stories where everything is nonsensical and illogical, almost to a fault where everyone is like a machine). As such, the West could make better adventure and RPG games than Japan n many cases. They were perfectly suited for the PC where RPGs ruled.

While Pong was revolutionary, it’s debatable that more people would remember games like Pac Man or Galaga more fondly than Robotron. Capcom was certainly the king of the arcades with Street Fighter 2 and Final Fight, while Namco had it’s fair share of titles, aformentioned ones included. These were all action games with an emphasis on kicking ass. The disadvantage of this, however, was that Arcade Gaming can be draining. Especially when it comes to fighting games, it’s a sometimes strenous activity which demands plenty of focus from the players. These games were pretty fuckin hard, especially since you had to play harder just to see the rest of the game’s content. And the quarter pumping, man, Arcade Gaming is not something you spend an absorbant amount of hours playing.
That’s where Computer Gaming comes in. Computer Gaming is a much more leisurely activity which demands nothing but attention to certain details from the player. It’s not fast or particularly adrenaline pumping, but it is a little more relaxing. The emphasis is on problem solving which means a lot more thinking and a lot less concentration and reaction. This meant you could play for hours and not be tired of it. On the other hand, it could be a little boring if you’re stuck in particular parts of the game.

Arcade Gaming was good for a few minutes – half an hour of entertainment, while Computer Gaming was good for several hours tops.

Why was this important? Because with the advent of consoles, Arcade and Computer Gaming would blur the lines forever. Usually when it came to home consoles, the most attractive titles came from arcade ports or games that felt like arcade hits. You never really heard anyone speak of games like Ultima, Castle Wolfenstein, or PC Adventure games in general. RPGs were nigh unheard of. It was all about the Mario’s, the Sonic’s, the Mega Mans, etc. Raiden, Double Dragon, Mortal Kombat, just a whole bunch of arcade games. Computer games were mostly left out of the equation. We had Sim City, the Sims, and a few Strategy games around, and DOOM certainly hit a lot of good points with people, but the real popularity came from Action games in general. The problem, however, came when people started playing games more and more often, like some sort of addiction. Whether it was nerds taking over or not, console gaming began to grow into something bigger. The consoles were getting more powerful, and would soon be strong enough to deliver the exact same arcade experience as the game rooms would.
Plus the SRK fags who would show up, kick your ass at SF, and then leave without a word, didn’t help much by turning the arcade atmosphere into an asshole environment.

That said, with the longer hours people started putting into the games, computer centrism befitted this behavior appropiately. By supplanting the time needed to practice and actually get good at the games, they became easier to digest in which you can relax and enjoy the content. Afterall, you’re in your living/personal room where you go to chill. Why would you want to spend that relaxation time all amped up and shit?

What about Call of-

Shut yo bitch ass up!
As I was saying, Computer Centrism was more of a benefit to “certain” gamers than not. We could say games most action platformers weren’t so hellish that you’d be on edge half the time, but for the majority of video games out there, you’d be lucky enough to get passed level 2. Arcade Centrism is tiring, even to this day. Playing through games like House of the Dead, Castle of Shikigami, or even Metal Slug will wear your ass out after a while of playing. On the other hand, titles like Last of Us, Xenoblade, or w/e Valkirye Chronicles is… will be more… “relaxing” in a way. As such, the AAA titles that everyone happily anticipates are heavily Computer Centric. Why do they all look like movies you ask? Because movies are relaxing. By turning games into movies, they’ve become another form of relaxation. And what can you expect from that? Those that are heavily invested into games (The hardcore) will demand relaxing Computer Centrism rather than High Octane Arcade Centrism. The result is the most anticipated games are those that look like relaxing movies to watch.Game trailers look like bloated movies trailers now. And unfortunately, they’re hooking gamers better than before.

90 awards. Sounds like bullshit. But considering how impressive the game looks, and how jouralists are easily pleased by hollywood production values, I wouldn’t be too surprised.

Japan, in it’s current state, cannot compete with this. With all the controversies, mass… and I mean MASS dissappointment received from several franchises, and terrible design (and business) practices, Inafune’s words ring too true not to be heard. Japan cannot do anything within this environment. Their RPG’s fail consistently except one (pokemon), their fighting games have gone under the radar (especially with Capcom on their way out), and there seems to be no end in sight.

Japanese design philosophy is a crumbling standard in the gaming world. No longer will we cheer on the Street Fighters or the Final Fantasy 7’s, we now look to Ubisoft as the Western Capcom as we cheer on the Call of Duties, the Far Cries, the Grand Theft Autos, and the Creeds of Assasins. The industry and the audience it caters to demands Computer Centrism.The most anticipated games are of the Computer Centric build.

It is in this environment that Japan could never hope to compete. Japan is incapable of making decent Computer Games these days. There’s no market for PC games in Japan outside of goddamn Call of Duty. As such, there’s a bigger priority to make Arcade/Console games in Japan. But since consoles are being taken over by the idealogies of Computer Centrism, Japanese devs are put at a very strict disadvantage and cannot manuvuer much outside of the Japanese market.

In the words of Al Khan, “Japan is OVER!”

I suppose it was inevitable. Considering most new devs are otaku sub-humans that even Japan despises, it was inevitable. From the super animu-infused DMC4 to the stagnation of the JRPG to animu shitfests, and to the platformers that are mere fetch quests, and to the action games that are glorified RPGs, none wonder the outcome, nor care.

You know what they’re saying? “Buy this fucking awesome shit and have a blast, you mopey fuck!” It’s also saying “Your cock will thank you in the morning. We guarantee it!”

I am buying this shit. I don’t care. Even though it’s advertising gameplay features, the game itself looks fun anyway. DBZ combat with more than 1v1!? In a more awesome way than X-Men Legends!? OH FUCK YESH! Chaotic fights are something I live for. 

You rarely get commercials like these. Nowadays, you get shitty advertisements with some dull teenager with the most unenthusiastic tone I’ve ever heard.

Or some obnoxious try hard wannabe “hip” asshole.

No, DBZ awesome guy is HYPED THE FUCK UP! “WHAT’S THIS!? NO WAY!”

God damn, Sega and Nintendo need to hire this son of a bitch!