Tag Archive: Rayman


I play black dude. Die like BITCHES!

Despite my furious anger at Gearbox, I still had an inkling of interest in the Borderlands series and wanted to check out the first game, so going by their greatest fears, I had found a GOTY version in the used games section of a Gamestop. Despite all the hype surrounding the whole “first game better than last” syndrome of the fandom, I stood my ground that I was going to hate this game with extreme fervor. As an FPS developed by these scoundrels, it is impossible for-…….holy nutballs, this game is FUN!

It was almost inconceivable. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to find so many legendaries in such a short amount of time. It was also amazing how the weapons were actually USEFUL! In BL2, I was constantly bombarded by living bullet sponges who could absorb everything that wasn’t a perfect critical shot. The game was utterly ridiculous with it’s enemies pumped full of a wretched amount of health and defense. If you weren’t playing a sniping based Zero, your odds of survival were dramatically decreased. And obnoxiously enough, the game had the nerve to toss in enemies with virtually no weakpoints (Big Game Hunt especially) so you were destined to fight a losing battle.

BL1? There’s no pressure at all to find weakpoints. Enemies seem to go down pretty quickly given your accuracy remains stable enough. Certainly, the enemies can still whoop yo ass without much effort (I’m dumbfounded by how ducking behind a rock still can’t protect me from getting nicked), but at the same time, they have very little health to fight with in the first place. Amazingly enough, I’m using some low level weapon I found early on… in the final boss fight! In BL2, you had to immediately ditch w/e weapon you found for another as soon as you go up a few levels in order to  remain competitive against your foes. But in BL1, anything goes. Just use w/e you have at your disposal and not worry so much about stats and more so about strategy! Some of it gets real abusable too.

I LOVE THIS DAMN THING!

The packed in DLC levels didn’t hurt either. Though most of them are quite disappointing, they re hilarious. General Knoxx getting pissed that he took orders from a 5 year old and kept bitching about it while sounding like an elderly Brock Samson from the Venture Brothers was gold. That doesn’t even begin to explain the better menu screens. Barely any lag in coop? Non-disorientating skill tree menu? Easier to find mission log? HELL YEAH!

What a FUCKING relief!

Then there’s the little things such as equipping character skills with different elements. If I wanted the turret or Bloodwing to be on fire or acid, VOILA and thats the fucking end of it! But noooooo, in number 2, the siren gets those perks! The only thing I could piss and moan about was the lack of corner maps to help find out where to go next, the lack of tangible story and how every environment is exactly the same damn barren wasteland/cave/junkyard, and how incredibly short it is, but if that’s the price for a more entertaining and fun ass game, so be it.

BL2 is, at this point, wasted potential. With all it’s bells and whistles, it’s ultimately buried under a pile of bullshit. Lame jokes trying to force memes on the internet (Catch a RIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!), horrid drop rates for any decent weapon in a game where legendary gear is damn near a necessity for most cases, where you’re swamped with “Super Badass Loaders” at every occasion, the game is a complete chore to play in comparison to BL1. It feels like what Capcom did to RE6 and tried WAAAAAAAAAAY to damn hard to make it all “epic” and shit while making it such a drag that it comes crashing down on it’s own self-congratulatory vapid banal ego-driven content. BL1 is nowhere near as obnoxious as it’s sequel. Handsome Jack is still one of the best damn villains in gaming, though. Not to mention it’s actually what I wanted. A kind of Mad Max setting where you’re tearing through assholes trying to look for treasure, not some lame ass “resistance against the big bad corporate dictator” story that always seems to end up the same way in every plotline people come up with.

Unknown jackoff knows of corporation, doesn’t give a shit.
Corporation tries to kill said jackoff for non-specific reasons
Jackoff finds resistance and joins in because justice and… shit.
Jackoff and resistance does well for now.
Jackoff unintentionally leads corporation to the resistance hideout
Resistance is crushed and the leader’s (or significant person) life is now in danger. Jackoff initiates plan to rescue said leader
Jackoff defeats corporation in the process and saves the world.

Yeah, maybe not exactly the way it happened, but most of those details are damned accurate. At this point, it begs to be asked just how widespread this issue is cause I can’t be the only mother fucker in the known universe that sees the unmitigated shitstorm problem of why sequels are not living up to the expectations set by the first installments of their franchises. It is insane just how much disappointment I see in fanbases all across the board. Even the COD fanboys are just about tired of Activision’s bullshit. And damn sho, I’m tired of being disappointed by sequel after sequel where I’ve come to find that the devs or publishers schemed to completely fuck up some of the best franchises of all time, not just fucking them up, but destroying legacies by the dozen.

The utter banality that is the continuation of any franchise that started sometime in the 90s is literally impossible to escape, and it even seems that younger series that got their start in the 7th generation have already  gotten devs and pubs scheming to destroy their products with utter greed. We’re talking about an FPS/RPG hybrid that was completely fine in the first installment, but then some hippie asshole comes up and says that “our happiness is not profitable“! Afterall, in the religion of capitalism, keeping people in a state of anxiety and despair equates to creating demand for rampant DLC practices! So lets completely fuck up the damage scaling and make damn near every weapon you receive completely useless so that you’d be desperate enough to buy some Hunter upgrade pack just to be able to get through…. yet another unbalanced difficulty mode! And what would the reward be? Well, a collection of more useless fucking weapons! Well done!

Businesses that sell you things you actually need could get away with nickel and diming you for shit services because in your mind, you will actually need these services to go about your daily life. Junk entertainment is nothing you need at all. The crazy fucks in the industry, however, think they can get away with the same practices. Which is unfortunately working at the moment, seeing that most of the gaming public is now too terrified to leave their houses and buy things in a physical medium so that they have a semblance of ownership over their purchased products. So instead, everything is digital, even access to half the shit already on the CDs! Why is it that I can’t gain access to fighting game characters that are already on the game Netherrealm, Crapcom, Sony, etc? Afterall, 2 of these asshole factories had the nuts to release special editions with access to all the characters on the damn discs anyway.

Apparently, the game industry has gone MIA from the sanity department and jumped straight in a water filled with Great Whites as they ceaselessly destroy sequel after sequel in either an attempt to cheat you out of your money or to share a new “creative vision” that is in complete opposition to the wishes of the audience for no other reason than to attempt what could be considered selling teabags to customers who asked for Starbucks quality coffee! In no other entertainment industry have I ever seen a bunch of artistic douchbags imitate the insurance industries by fucking their customers over and over again while still expecting them to pony up for the impromptu involuntary ass fuckings.

None of this speaks louder than Nintendo’s desire to shove in as many assist trophies into Super Smash Bros. 4 in some vain attempt to apologize for not doing the logical thing and making some of those awesome assist trophies playable fucking characters! Have you seen most of the announcements for new characters come from the alternatively named pokeball characters are people who we’d actually prefer to be in this game over the Wii-fit assholes and the Village Idiot? Who’s that chick from Kid Icarus? I mean the last thing we need is a character worthy of being playable! No, lets shove that unholy bitch into statue format, and the audience had damn well better appreciate the fact that she’s at least given some “recognition” because…. in the depths of our own psyhosis, that’s all the nerds really care about! We saw it on GoNintendo.com, it must be true!

Start the water works!

Here’s a idea for you Sakurai, if the overwhelming amount of assist trophies are much cooler than the current roster you have for Super Smash Bros. then you have a problem and need to take your bitch ass back to the drawing board. Words cannot describe how utterly pissed I was when Lyn was announced as a goddamn trophy! Afterall, I needed more than just 2 piddly reasons (Ike and Sonic) to make up for the loss of my Mewtwo and the severely massive nerfs to some of the best characters (IE my Fox, Ganon and Mario) if only out of some misguided attempt to keep the game out of the hands of tourneyfags because you simply don’t adhere to their philosophy of playing to win. I don’t care what the reasons are. The assist trophies are a stupid addition to the series and only serves as an excuse for Nintendo to not do extra work on making more playable characters. Balance, you say? There’s no such thing in the world of fighting games! Either make them playable or keep them in the trophy menu.

Of course, I should expect no less from Japanese developers. These assholes would prefer nothing more than removing all semblance of player choice in video games altogether if it meant you playing the game the way they envisioned with no regard for your entertainment whatsoever. The Pokemon games could vouch for that with the amount of ways to obtain one pokemon vastly reduced to a limited and tedious process like Honey Trees or by trading with other people who may or may not have the Pokemon you desire. Or how about Resident Evil 6 with no regard for your desire to retrace your steps back to previous rooms in a game and have the mother fucking gall to place invisible walls in an auditorium so the only thing you can do is jump over a guard rail to initiate a fight against a mother fucking zombie T-Rex. Really crapcom? No wonder the gaming public ripped you a new asshole over the set piece ridden world of Resident Reposeful.

And the Jake and Sherry Campaign was the WORST fucking part of the whole title!

 

If it’s not the games that radically change all the elements of a game to fit their business or creative desires, it’s the sequels that change nothing but exemplify the WORST aspects of their prequels! What was the point of paying for Rayman Legends or NSMBU other than to have a graphically super version of the vanilla editions? This is laziness of the umpteenth degree! Not only does Rayman Legends not improve on anything Origins did, it also adds in little obnoxious bullshit gimmicks like Murfy so that you can solve puzzles while running away from a 1-hit kill firewall in a scripted running segment. I’ve never seen such disorientatingly horrific game design like this since Mega Man Network Transmission. There’s just some shit you cannot do in 2D platformers to rival 3D platformers in any way, what would you need to do so for? 2D Platformers are automatically superior by way of not needing to fiddle with the fucking camera, but you expect me to treat it like a 3D platformer by handing me 20 trillion smurf looking fuckers to find just to unlock, are you ready for this?…….. character skins. Not even cool ones, just a bunch of random shitty skins like “Lol character swapped color palettes”. That’s the best you can give me for a bloated fetch quest!? How about one of those hot bitches you took out from the last game being playable characters!? That’s motivation enough! Then again, I can’t imagine why I would bother unlocking them anyway, the main game is done and over with and as anti-climatic as that final boss was, it wouldn’t be worth the sex appeal anyway.

Holly Luya indeed.

Amma knows I was just about sick of Namco’s ass fuckings when concerning the state of the Soul Calibur franchise bursting it’s bubble of prosperity almost immediately after SC2 gave Zelda fans an actual Link that was so badass, he could rival the entirety of the SC cast just by having the strongest set of lungs in the world. Hey, here’s a grnd idea! Lets remove fan favorites like Kilik, Sophitia, Taki, Talim and hell lets toss the token nigga in the mix… and replace them with some bitch with a crystal ball and claws! It’s such a genius idea to invoke so many animu tropes in a game that was nearly void of any of that bullshit simply because, like every other japanese developer in the world, and focus on those goddamned otaku shit stains that aren’t even considered worthy of the air breathe! I can’t have Kilik because a monkey with a tapeworm is just that much more Kawaii to you asswipes? If I had to hear one more deathcry from him yelling “FOOOOOOOOOOOOD” for no other reason than to exaggerate his non-comical eating disorder, I will shit chain saws.

Lets not forget the idiocy of making Guard Impacts completely special move based and as complicated to remember because “we at Namco don’t value the absolute necessity for seasoned fans to get into a sequel because we want every game to be “unique” or some retarded shit” and then have the nerve to make guard impacts completely dependent on 2D fighting game logic of needing a goddamned fighting guage to activate the techniques. If SF3 Turd Strike necessitated super gauges just to pull off a single parry, the assholes at SRK would never ride the game’s nuts as much as they do. Soul Calibur is already far too lenient on button mashers in which the window for pulling off GI’s are too small now for some reason, now you remove their importance entirely for the sake of what fucking reason!? To make it “accessible” to newer players that DIDN’T buy the game anyway? Sure, we could take the bullshit about the game being rushed, but there was absolutely NO good reason to change the commands for character moves a SECOND/THIRD time in a row, or remove characters, turning Kilik and Sophitia both into mimics while also putting in Weapon Master making a totaly  of 3 different mimics, or making GI’s absolutely worthless and non-existent.

Soul Calibur 5 wasn’t rushed, it was made by some asshole on the Tekken team that wanted to literally kill the franchise if only so that he wouldn’t have to work on 2 different fighting games at one time. Nothing says this more than the inclusion of a “Devil Jin” soul in the CAS mode. Shameless promotion? Oh fuck no, this is Japanese passive aggression at it’s finest!

Even recent series that I start to get into immediately get fucked up, for whatever reason Ratchet and Clank Into The Nexus is such a bad game that I can’t bring myself to shut the hell up about it. If the inability to change the control presets and wretchedly short game length were no problem, then certainly it’s just how UN-Ratchet the game feels. There’s literally no comedy which was probably one of the major elements of the Ratchet and Clank series, turning the game into a more mild version of Sonic 06. Yes, I’m aware that Dead Space was a pretty popular survival horror game at some point, but Ratchet and Clank is not Dead Space! Putting “dark” areas in the game with eerie music and more fucked up looking villains that seem reminiscent of the Borg from Star Trek the Next Generation does not count as a Dead Space game! Especially considering that halfway through the game, the devs decided to ditch the “horror” element, w/e horror there was, and go back to a poor imitation of previous Ratchet and Clank titles without the funny or interesting environments.

By then, the game felt more obnoxious than cool, and the developers had the nerve to put in a museum of their past characters such as Drek or that guy from Deadlocked. And for some reason, the creator of the series feels the need to stamp his ass into the game in some vain attempt to gain creator god status amongst internet nerds so that he may be worshipped in the same way as Shigeru Miyamoto. Having a game that pisses me off with it’s wannabe AAA production values, buggy ass gameplay, shitty gimmicked Clank levels that you can’t skip and aren’t even remotely as fun as the clank modes in UYA or TOD, is not gonna warrant my lips stapled to your ass! The sheer self-congratulatory sequence of the museum right before the tedious “city under invasion” sequence reeks of “trying to hard to be epic” with what is one of the most anti-climatic final showdowns in the series yet. The final game in the Future series has no actual closure to the story of Ratchet’s separation anxiety from other Lombaxes in the series and could be mistaken for a mild spinoff. The only redeeming quality would’ve been the female villain that could actually be treated as a threat since Chairman Drek… up until the bitch gets captured and the game goes into the whole “what have I done” shtick of amateur writing that has pervaded the entertainment industry for quit some time now.

And I’m STILL seeing this fuckin movie, even though Ratchet looks retarded.

For once in this or last generation, I would like for a sequel that actually exceeds expectations instead of sending them shattering through the pits of the underworld where Ausar anxiously awaits to feed the souls of these horrid abominations to the jaws of Ammut. Ironically, the only sequel that manages to be decent came directly from Platinum Games. Yeah. Anarchy Reigns not only plays better than it’s Wiitarded cousin Madworld, but also has the decency to put itself in color so you wouldn’t get lost in the sprawling overworld mazes because every landmark you could find blends in too fucking well with the Sin City nut riding aesthetics. Add to it the lack of QTE styled death blows that got a little too repetitive for my tastes, and it’s an alright beat em up game that only suffers due to having only 4 stages and the same banality of needing to complete missions in order to gain a high score just to progress, making the game slower paced than Sonic’s Lost Mind! My one true hope, and I’m serious, is that if Guilty Gear Xrd comes stateside, it won’t be some ass fucked sequel as most other fighting games have become.

……..If this game does not kick ass…….

 

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Coincidence or paranoia?

Every game that was on a Ninturd console just about… has had Nintendo’s cock plastered all over it in some way. Tekken Tag 2 had Mario and Zelda costumes (the lamest shit you will ever see in Tekken, yes lamer than the new titty monster in Revo), Monster Hunter had Zelda costumes, Dynasty Warriors had Zelda and Metroid costumes, Rayman Legends with Mario costumes, and now we’ve got Sonic with goddamned yoshi levels. Hell, there’s Harvest Moon on 3DS with Mario Mushrooms you can grow in the corn fields.

Now, I don’t know if it’s the order of the publisher deal, but Nintendo appears to be using these franchises to promote themselves. I’ve never known a company outside of maybe Disney that was obsessed with saturating their own dicks.

One has to really question the motive behind these moves. After Brawl was turned into one massive Nintendo pride parade, and then moving on to Nintendo Land and the upcoming Smash 4, the term “why” comes to mind. Why does Nintendo feel the need to over-self-promote, internally and externally? Why are they so obsessed with their past history?

If people bought Nintendo consoles to get a taste of Nintendo history, why did the N64 and Gamecube fail? Gamecube had so many games from Nintendo’s franchise history, but none of them saved the Gamecube from being shit. The Wii had very little from Nintendo’s franchise history and it kicked ass. Regular people don’t recognize Nintendo for much more than Mario and Pokemon at this point. Even Smash Bros. is a passing interest nowadays. Making games that promote Nintendo’s history has proven to be detrimental to Nintendo’s success. It expresses the full force of their vanity, and people don’t like vanity. PS3 failed because it was steeped in vanity. Aonuma Zelda fails because they are vanity projects that express the glory of hardware gimmicks. Anything Quantum Dream does fails as they’re all vanity projects. Mega Man 9 and 10? Same story.

Nintendo, however, is working through other companies to show their vanity. All this talk about wanting 3rd party support has nothing to do with wanting games to sell their console. It has everything to do with wanting games to sell Nintendo. There are still a plethora of 3rd parties that are resistant to Nintendo, and here you can see why. Nintendo couldn’t give 2 shits about 3rd parties. They’re only using their games as tools to promote themselves and say that there are 3rd parties that like Nintendo enough to be butt-fucked with retarded costumes. And whats the pay off? Pii U is dead everywhere. Therefore, how can Nintendo promote anything outside of REAL advertising?

Of course, the common response would be “ur mad over some costumes”. Count em up though, that’s 6 fucking games in under a year with Nintendo’s shameless self-promotion. 7 if you include goddamn Nintendo Land. It’s as though they’ve completely lost sight of why 3rd party games need to be brought to the console. If I buy a 3rd Party game, I don’t need to be reminded of who published the fucking game. See, that’s the thing with Nintendo it seems. If they publish anything, it needs some sort of “seal of quality” stamped on it’s ass before they press the discs. This behavior wasn’t so common until now.

And of course, that brings us to Sonic’s DLC. More than a slap in the face, actual Sonic fans are denied real Sonic content in favor of promoting a Nintendo game no one will buy. Wasted potential and talent for sure, but it certainly shows what Nintendo’s true motives are. They don’t give 2 shits about the Sonic franchise, and why should they? Sonic isn’t shit in Japan (or the world atm), so why not give all the Nintards the “Free advertising” they can get? The Sonic brand is harmed enough, but Nintendo doesn’t seem to realize they’re basically pissing on it. The imagery of Sonic being absorbed into Mario’s world after a history of a heated rivarly that is, for better or worse, fucking historicly epic is harmful. It pretends the rivalry never existed (and if I had a dollar for everytime I heard the phrase “TIMES HAEV CHAAAANGED!”, the IRS would be up my ass for years), and distorts the claim of Sonic having an identity crisis. It’s essentially rewriting history. It’s so blatant that it pretends that Sonic was always a Nintendo property in which Nintendo can do whatever they please with it.

But the question remains still. What…. is…. the benefit?

Having a Tekken game doesn’t help due to it’s accessibility and presence on Playstation consoles (and BS3 being out longer), no one outside of Japan like Monster Hunter, Rayman Legends sucked, Dynasty Warriors has always been niche, and Harvest Moon? Has that shit EVER been popular? Why would Nintendo seek out franchises that no one cares about……. to promote themselves?

Nintendo needs someone to give them a swift kick in the ass.

Call me crazy, but I had assumed that a sequel was to improve upon and beat out the original game. Not be a carbon copy.

Rayman Origins was a such a bad ass platformer that I couldn’t resist a sequel. One of the reasons I got a PS3 was to get a hold of it. And…well…. just like Soul Calibur 4, it’s a little dissappointing.

It goes without saying that it is still a good game and it is fun in many of it’s aspects, even the scripted nonsense is good what with syncing everything up to music, but overall, it’s over before you can really get to the meat of the game.

Aesthetically, it is more pleasing to the eyes than was the first game, but there is very little details in what you’re doing in these worlds beyond running through them. You’re given an intro about nightmares destroying the world and Rayman and the gang wakes up to fight them all. That’s even more bare bones than the first game. At least you have an idea of needing to save sexy ass fairies. Here, you’re just sending several magician Teensies to the moon to get poked in the ass by little devil imps…. or something. I suppose Barbara and her sisters are supposed to replace the fairies, but the only real effect is giving you extra skins (hehe) of the same bitch to play. It has no effect on your progress beyond rescuing some teensies to unlock more worlds.

Though, one of them reminds me of Marina Lightyears from Mischief Makers, so I’ll let them off the hook for now. Plus, she’s giving someone a free peep show behind her as of this moment.

One of the more obnoxious “features” implemented in this game is fucking Murfy.

Yeah… the fly no one likes.

He basically plays the role of the forced “puzzle platformer helping buddy” in that you need to manually activate his abilities in order to progress through levels. He can bring you platforms, obscure spotlights…. pretty much what Tails is doing for the coop levels of Sonic’s Lost Mind, or NSMBU’s touch screen “helper” bullshit, especially as I’ve heard the Wii U version has this guy tailored made for that shit.

Yeah, that’s all he does in this game is become a Neo-Nintendo gimmick.

That said, why do PS360 owners have to put up with these levels? It’s not bad for the first 3 worlds, but I’ve been spoiled by the puzzle-free nature of the first game. Then they go the LittleBIGPlanet route and assume “gameplay is intricate bullshit!” Nothing the Murfy levels do are even clever or fun, especially since the last 2 worlds are scripted nonsense in that you have to make a mad dash through the level. It’s FRUSTRATING AS FUCK that while you’re doing your scripted obstacle course, you also have to activate Murfy to open paths for you. You’re literally using 4 buttons here. It’s not intuitive or even partial to one’s enjoyment. It’s just… fucking…awful. Praise Amma for unlimited lives because these Murfy levels were designed to just keep killing me. And they’re fucking everywhere in this game. Learn to hate that green bastard’s smile. You will never escape it.

Levels like this where you’re being chased are made worse by Murfy’s necessitous addition.

Other than that, it’s pretty much the same exact game as the last one. Even the worlds themselves are carbon copies. You get a desert, you get a water world, you get a “heaven and hell” stage, you get a food land where you can shrink down and traverse apples…. and shit (this time, you can enter the foods themselves), it’s literally a game that could’ve been DLC. It’s not as bad as the NSMB games where the content is purposefully stagnated by Nintendo themselves, but you can smell how lazy this game came off in the aesthetics content. Infact, content period is nonsensical. You’re just going through worlds doing the usual ass kicking. If this was supposed to be some “throwback” to previous games pre-SNES, it’s ruined by the fact that there’s an intro with settings and “princesses” to rescue without any clarification of what and why. If Barbara and her…semi-sexy sisters are important to save, why are they treated more like secret levels and the bitches I end up saving from the Magician directly are just female teensies? What is the importance of these teensies, btw? And why are they treated like monkeys from Time Splitters (Obsessively, that is).

Kill em. I don’t care about these smurf lookin fuckers anyway, I got so many of them unlocked, I can’t pull myself to care.

Saving teensies is there as part of the arbitrary fetch quests to unlock costumes and remixed levels from the first game (yeah, you can literally tell how un-different the sequel is just by playing the scratch offs). The extra hidden content is not worth it. Most of them are gained by going into the hardcore “challenge stages” where obnoxious requisites are placed for you to show how hardcore you really are by tackling these challenges for the petty achievement of saying you can complete these levels in the fastest times. And unfortunately, because PS3’s are more fragile than Wii’s, hacking is too risky to say “fuck this shit, I want my content now”. And they want 700 of these blue bastards to get the final hidden character which is probably another stupid Teensie anyway.

And yet, it’s still good.

Despite it’s glaring flaws, it’s still the best damn game I’ve played on this console with coop. It’s nice to find a multiplayer game that treats Player 2 like a human being and not an after thought. There’s so many PS3 games that are only tailored made for Player 1 because of the assumption that gamers are lonely freaks who play online all day. Rayman Legends has no online and focuses on “normal people” with actual friends. Good. Ubisoft has a brain or 2.

All that said, I would probably just find a used copy or trade in shitty games like Soul Calibur 5/TTT2/NG3RE to bring the price down as much as possible. It’s a good…35-40 dollar game at best. It’s too short, and the replay value is steeped in those fucking fetch quests that developers somehow equate to fun factor. That shit is simply not fun! Especially given that the unlockables are costumes like it really fucking matters and harder levels. That’s not replay value to me, mother fuckers! That’s you trying to appease the hardcore crowd. A platformer, by nature, is not a hardcore game. It should not try to be one.

Rayman Legends is more spectacle than it is everything else. And while that’s not entirely a bad thing, unlike Sonic, this game feels empty and short. I’d say get it anyway because it’s at least fun, but expect frustration from the Murfy levels.

VS

Lets face it. 2D platformers are just superior to 3D platformers in every way of the term. Hell, the public thinks so with their rejection of SMG2 with NSMBW. But that’s a dead horse I’m sure the hardcore are sick of hearing about.

So lets talk about their desperate attempts to downplay NSMBW by pointing out 2 other platformers they consider godly. Now, to be fair, these 2 games aren’t at all in the same series, but I don’t give a fuck! If you’re looking for a 2D platformer on Wii that’s not named Mario (or Kirby), then there are basically 2 other options (if you want coop, at least). You have the Nintard wet dream, DKCR, or the unsung hero, Rayman Origins. Both games come from the “scripted spectacle” school of thought, where the designers believe that doing cooky voodoo shit with level design makes for a “great game”.

But anyways, it’s the 3rd strike! Donkey Kong vs Rayman! 3RD IMPACT!

1! Presentation: Box Art

Ok, clearly Retro thinks their shit is too good to show how awesome their should be so they just stick 2 monkeys on the box and say “just go for it”. Ubi Soft had the decency to show Rayman… you know, KICKING SOME ASS! Show me the real shit you’re dealing with on the box art! Don’t give me this “box art lies” or “don’t judge a book” bullshit. You want me to buy your game, you better be damn good at lying!

They’re both very typical gaming box arts with no serious merit besides doing it’s job of showing you the characters. But in the general sense, you’d want something to at least jump out at you and look somewhat exciting. DKCR is just… there, you know? Rayman shows off some action where the main 4 characters take on an army of wtfs. You could barely notice the  2 villains on Donkey Kong’s box, hell.

On the other hand, Rayman’s box also looks a bit too cartoony, and the west has been all about “serious business” nowadays with the heaviest sellers usually having a lack of “wacky and egghead” architecture. Donkey Kong… barely having that would be more enticing than Rayman’s fat ass blue friend Globox who just seems to be… there. Still, on an interest garnering level, Rayman would be superior.

VERDICT: RAYMAN

2! STORYLINE/PLOT!

Oh yeah! The portion every hardcore dipshit will demand you not give a shit about! Granted, there really isn’t much story to be found in either game (retro throwbacks are taken literally and have little story to be found.

In Donkey Kong Country Returns, apparently in light of nostalgia, Donkey Kong’s Banana hoard gets stolen… again. But this time, it’s stolen by some tiki masks that want to use the bananas to…. repopulate their own race?

I know Nintendo makes ridiculous plots (Zelda after Links Awakening) but… using fucking bananas to reproduce more tikis!?

It all makes sense now!

How does a banana turn into wood!?

NO! Don’t… answer you sick bastard.

I was originally aware that the Donkey Universe did not go to ridiculous lengths to make up a story. The Kremlins mostly stole the banana hoard to starve the fuckers to death! And then they tried to kill off the entire DK family in 64. Now we’ve got some FUCKING MASKS needing to repopulate their stupid mask race! We don’t need another metaphor for white folks and their desperate attempts to cover up their shrinking population numbers. Speaking of crackas, they also have “mind control“. But they seem to be doing it for shits and giggles and never as a major part of the plot. Do they want to take over the island? Nah, lets just find more workers to take up more bananas even though we could use the hoard we found, make servants out of that, gather up more bananas around the island, and not risk an ass whoopin by these 2 monkeys.

On the other hand, Rayman Origins is even more ludicrous. Rayman, fat ass Globox, and 2 teensies are just chillin. Minding they’re fucking business. But since their relaxation is loud enough to disturb some old bitch who looks like death warmed over. She gets pissed off and like the cranky bastard one floor below you, starts banging on the ceiling to get them youngsters quieted up there. They keep on chillin which pisses her off some more to the point that she summons demons to kill them all! …….That’s disproportionate, ain’t it? So after beatng up said demons, rayman and crew get locked up… only to quickly bust out later and escape. Apparently, now he needs to rescue pink things called electoons.

Ok, Rayman’s story has no logic going on. It feelslike I’m just doing shit for the hell of it. There’s no real sense of a goal. If I’m being honest, that’s what a game honestly needs. You ever wonder why fighting game fans piss and moan about why they’re fighting? People need some sort of logic or reasoning behind why they’re doing something in a game. At least at first.

VERDICT: DK

3! CHARACTERS!

First up… the DK crew! ….Or… lack of.

There aren’t too many characters featured in DKCR. You just have Donkey, Diddy, and those masks. There’s nothing significant about any of them.

……..Same for Rayman Origins.

…….But on the plus side, there’s at least more of them. You’ve got Ray, Globox, a million goddamn teensies, and bitches! Oh the bitches!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

Erm… well… not all of them are done yet!

VERDICT: RAYMAN

4! MUSIC

DKCR’s music was made by the same people who made Metroid Prime. And that series….. well the first game… had some brilliant music to fit the atmosphere. That said, they seem a bit misplaced in DKCR. Most of the songs are remixes of the same damn jungle japes song. Some pieces sound as though they came directly from Metroid Prime itself, which shows some limited production from the musical ahem… “talents”. There’s only one song that stuck out and that’s the factory stages where the drums sync up with the background (the level design of pretentious assholes).

Rayman Origins…. kinda the same thing. Most of the music you find here is typical of music you’d find in old black and white cartoons of the 40s (too many of those mosquito levels). Plus, you’ll hear those little pink things singing almost a million times to the point you want to shut them up. There are at least 2 songs that stuck out. The refridgerator world with that James Bond music was real nice, and the underwater stages with that “mysterious and somber feeling” or… w/e.

DKCR’s “Metroid Prime” esque soundtrack is just not fitting for the whole game at large, but that factory stage had a nice beat. On the other hand, Rayman’s music actually…..kinda fits?

VERDICT: TIE

5! Gameplay!

Alright! Time to piss off every mother fucker in the known universe!

I’ve already talked about the asinine gameplay of DKCR before, but I haven’t gone that deep.

First off, you only get 2 playable characters. Donkey and Diddy. Neither player can switch between the 2. Not that this is extremely important, but it brings up the question of “why”? Why not give player 1 the choice of being Diddy? Why not Player 2 Donkey? It also doesn’t help that Diddy has a better chance of getting through the levels due to having a hover pack. Sure, Diddy can piggy back Donkey and give him the hover, but then that strips all control away from Diddy! All he can do is shoot these weak ass peanuts that don’t do jack shit! And considering how the levels are clearly structured for single player, it sends the message that coop in this game is worthless. Diddy is better on DK’s back and sitting there for the entire game. Diddy kong himself is nothing but a powerup anyway in levels where you can find a barrel. He essentially gives you 2 more health points to live with. But that’s a really shitty design for coop.

Player 2’s purpose is to be nothing but DK’s penis pump. There was no real intent on making a coop game functional or desirable. So the question remains, why put that shit in!?

*snickers* stupid newb! 2 Player is exclusive to pros!

Well that would be swell if half the fucking game wasn’t controlled exclusively by one player! See, Retro did the dumbass thing and loaded this game up with trial and error levels labeled the hardcore love affair “the rail cart levels” as well as “barrel rockets”. Never mind the forced failure these levels provide so that you can only learn it the “correct way”. Trial and Error gameplay is nothing new to gaming, no doubt, but it shouldn’t be so damned infuriating. First off, if you ARE playing coop, say good bye to the entirety of your stock of lives. Both players share lives so if both players die, you lose 2 lives in one level or more if only one player keeps dying. So imagine trying to play through some scripted bullshit knowing damn well both players have to be accustomed to learning it at the same time that the camera can barely keep up? If either of you get separated during these events, fuck it. You cannot go back to have the camera pan to the partner. He/she will just have to suck it up and die. But that burns through your lives anyway. It’s a game that literally demands perfection from the players. And this not good design.

That said, it’s more playable as a one player game, but even then it’s not fun. Many of the levels are set up so that you can only proceed one way. Many levels are just sprawling death pits with thin ass poles or rows of enemies and springs in which you bounce off of each one in rhythm. This isn’t hard or even clever (but with 2 players, it’s murder because killing enemies for yourself leaves your partner without shit to proceed with). And more than half the damn game plays like this.

This wouldn’t be so bad if the controls weren’t ass. Jumping just feels off, like you take one leap and DK clears 2 miles almost. At least that’s how it feels. By the grace of Amma, I have no fucking idea… why they used shaking controls for basic rolling and… “blowing”. See, in the originals, you could simply roll by pressing fucking B! Now you have to run and shake the mother fucking wiimote to do the roll! Imagine if you wanted to do a rolling jump to clear a large portion of the level!? Add to it the irresponsive-ness of the motion controls and you’ve got one of the worst damn mechanics of the game.

Random Nintard: “hyuck! well, you don’t have to use the roll! You can just jump on the enemies!

Yeah, I don’t have to use a lot of attacks in video games. Maybe I’m tired of having the “jump on enemies” option as a primary attack! You think with that grab animation, he could pick up enemies and toss them around, but no that’s just for the almost non-existant barrels lying around levels in the game. The fact is thanks to Retro’s unexpected and forced “innovashun”, the rolling option is useless. But you can shake it for the ground pound, a move that’s only really useful for smashing drums during certain levels. What do drums do? Activate the next scripted events. Lastly, you can shake the wiimote to blow flowers.

*bangs head* ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

This is easily the most worthless addition to the game, but it’s so insignificant to even bother with.  The only thing you really do is uncover more bananas and a small assortment of enemies that are covered in flames… that only appear in the final world.

The boss battles are of the typical multitasking/telegraph pattern variety and manage to be less frustrating as the main levels (aside from that damn chicken boss where you have to play guessing games with it’s random attack patterns. Not to mention that damn mole boss which was just another mine cart level)

The game in general suffers from a multitude of design errors that prevent the overall game from being fully enjoyable. But it gets a pass for being “difficult”. Ok. It’s a game that’s more fun to watch than it is to play.

Now, Rayman Origins is also pretty guilty of scripted level design, but on a much smaller scale. See, most of the game’s scripted content is saved for optional bonus levels and the final stage chase. But really, on the plus side, even if you fuck up, you can still recoup your losses and actually WIN the fucking level.

So getting THAT out of the way, Rayman Origins is much smoother in this regard. The game has the standard 4-player action that Mario and Kirby both have. You only get 3 characters to play as, but on the plus side, player 1 is no longer restricted to being simply the main character. You can change who you want to be, whether it’s Rayman, Globox, or one of the millions of Teensies (smirf looking midgets) in the game. Gameplay wise, all characters possess the same abilities and attacks. Attacks range from basic jumping on enemies as well as beat ’em up style of combat where you gt to knock your enemies senseless with a series of punches, slaps, or magic wind…. I think. And there’s little risk to doing this for every enemy. Just know that if you’re playing a teensie, you’re gonna rage over the short range. You also have a dash feature by holding the B button on the Wiimote. It’s actually… not as bad as it sounds as it almost feels damned natural. You can also perform an additional dash attack.The game also gives you wall jumping which really helps if you fuck up and nearly fall into a death pit, but if you’re pressed for time and have to do multiple wall jumps, you’re gonna be fucked. Jumping from wall to wall is slow as the characters have to do some retarded spin animation saying “woo hoo” as they leap from wall to wall.

Through the game as you progress, you gain new abilities (why not have them from the beginning of the game!? Oh well, at least you can get a glimpse of the bitches). Yes, you need to free the bitches in order to get your powers and a magic stick. It’s not a daunting task, but why? It doesn’t really serve much of a purpose than to show off the next world’s primary gimmick. The jungles have nothing, the deserts have flying (and wind currents and pretentious musical tricks), the… “food” world has shrinkage, the water world has the obvious swimming, and the mountains have wall running (which is actually quite fun). None of which justifies the need to earn new abilities because you gain them as soon as you start a new world. Plus, they offer nothing to you if you go back to previous worlds, no secrets to obtain via these new abilities, nothing. It just irks me.

The levels play out naturally and accommodates 4 players decently despite looking absolutely bizarre at times. Players can (and probably will if they’re all assholes) smack the shit out of each other during play. Usually, this was for fun, but accidents happen far too much and you’ll up pissing off your friends through gameplay as you can smack them over death pits often. The coop can be a little detrimental if none of your friends or family have any self-control on their attacks. Some parts of the levels do demand all players speed through in unison. For example in the fire… erm… oven stages, you’ll have these zip lines in which the players must all traverse at the same time. You cannot leave a player behind or else they die. This isn’t too much of an issue as the game gives you unlimited lives removing the necessity of speeding through the game. And similar to NSMBW, you can bring them out of their bubbles or bubble forms by punching them. Also like in NSMBW, dying while your party is in bubbles results in a gamer over and a retry of the same area you were in.

There’s also a sizable portion of “shmup” levels where you hop onto a bug and fly around shooting things about. They’re fun and simple, but usually fall short of being enjoyable after the first time. Nevermind those levels are goddamn everywhere.

Overall, the game is fine except for the final levels and the few boss fights the game has. There are only 5 bosses but the way they play out is tedious. First off, all you do is run around the bosses and wait for weak spots to appear (they look like big ass herpes spots with eyeballs). Once they appear, you have to rush over to them, hit them, rinse and repeat 2 more times with varying attack patterns. This is irritating as most of the time, your busy avoiding death while needing to chase those damn spots. And the final boss, ugh. The weak spots appear for only a split second, so you have a tiny ass window of opportunity to attack that bump. It’s irritating because that’s literally all you do. Chase after weak spots before they disappear.

Overall though, I have to give this to Rayman Origins for at least being inclusive in it’s design.

VERDICT: Rayman

6! Replay Value!

As typical of many platformers this generation, the replay value of both DKCR and Rayman are steeped in fetch-quests and collectathons which, in the end, just give you the rewards of harder levels. You can also unlock galleries in DKCR (despite having access to the internet without the hassle) and for Rayman, you have the ability to unlock several costumes for the 3 selectable characters. The teensies are disproportionate to Rayman and Globox, however, as those 2 only get 2 extra costumes. Then you just get a secret final world with a secret final boss.

DKCR just gives you 9 harder levels and one “banana heaven” level. You also get “harder” versions of the main levels. First off, the main game is already frustrating, and you reward the player with even more frustrating levels?

VERDICT: Rayman

Final word: In all honesty, if you’re into coop games in general, you can’t go wrong with Rayman Origins. It’s a fun and smooth multiplayer game that, in my views, rivals that of even NSMBW. DKCR…. yeah right.  That game is reserved for masochists who simply want to increase their E-peen and nothing more. DKCR is a giant spectacle fest with enough bells and whistles to fool to hardcore gamers and nintards into thinking it’s the most incredible thing since sliced bread. Origins has a little bit of that as well as stable gameplay that doesn’t exclude multiple players. Origins pacing is also faster, if that counts. Plus, who can’t resist playing a Ninja teensie?

I am a student of Joe Musashi! You’ re already fucked!

Winnar: Rayman Origins

And hopefully, the sequel won’t have any of that rabbit shit!

…..MOTHER FUCK!