Archive for January, 2013

Ok, since this asshole won’t stop posting my shit up on Gamefaqs, I now have a small group of Castlevania fans foaming at the mouth wanting to massacre me. So let’s see this wonderful thread titled “A possible explanation of why people like LOS?”.

The vindictiveness is quite strong with these fans.


Let’s see, this one is from that Nico guy…

“And what he says about Super Metroid isn’t really true. Its format was re-used in Metroid Zero Mission and Fusion. ”

No shit. It’s made by the same company that made Super Metroid. Nintendo doesn’t really understand why their games don’t sell well, otherwise 3D Mario would be selling people on the mother fucking Wii. It’s never been the case on N64 or Gamecube since… ever.

And if I recall, these games were poorly received and sold less than Metroid Prime and even the NES Classic series rerelease of Metroid on the GBA. This despite the fact that you can unlock the NES game on Zero Mission, but who wants to play through that pile of horse piss just to play the NES game?

Metroid in general never set the world on fire until Retro Studios came out with Prime. Notice how Metroid skipped a generation after Super Metroid? Nintendo isn’t (well, wasn’t) the type of company to keep pushing out product that didn’t meet a sales goal. Super Metroid did not meet their sales goal for the Super Nintendo. Super Metroid was not successful enough for Nintendo to give a shit for the N64 era. Why do Metroid fans keep trying to sidestep that issue by some half-assed logic that it’s revered on the internet by a fanbase that only increased in size with the release of Metroid Prime?


Ala Johnathan F_G (whatever the hell that means)

“Why won’t Nintendo port that game onto the 3DS with updated sprites and extra content?”

1. It’s shit.

2. Nintendo made the 3DS for 3d gaming. They couldn’t give 2 shits about 2D games outside of Mario. And why should they? The last 2 Metroid games that were in 2D were shit. Again, the Metroid fanbase increased in size thanks to Metroid Prime. NOT Super Metroid.

And of course, instead of looking into why the games were shit, Nintendo just opts not to do another one because of the previous game’s blunders. Look at Starfox Command and tell me why Shigeru Miyamoto threatened to kill off the series if Starfox 3DS didn’t sell (which it didn’t)?


“This game copied GOW and Shadows of the Colossus, so unoriginal. Castelvania copied Metroid and it was good.”

This writer doesn’t even know where he is going in the article.”

What did Castlevania do with the Metroid Formula? Made an attempt to improve it. What did Castlevania do with GOW and SOTC? They blatantly copied it.

You can at least feel that SOTN is different from Super Metroid in some regard. The only real similarity is an overworld with save points. Infact, IGA made attempts in every installment to innovate the series while the Metroids stagnated.


A certain Nepos

“The author also denigrates Patrick Stewart and Valkyrie Profile.”

If you enjoy watching Patrick Stewart ”spouting off for 40 minutes” you might as well go “watch paint dry.”

Why hasn’t a single Valkyrie game ever broken past the 1 million mark? And why does it sell like shit in every market that’s not named Japan? Because other markets have something you lack. “Good taste”.


“exactly you cannot copy a game that had similar combat in the series before said game was released LOI was 2003 and GOW 2005”

This is a powerful myth amongst the CV crowd. The mere addition of a long ranged whip weapon does not constitute GOW ripping off LOI. Where are all the quick time events in LOI? Why isn’t kratos a queer?


kirusu (so japanese!)

“i read scrolled down on this article and saw this guy complaining about dawn of sorrow. now i know you are just trolling, because that game was easy as hell.”

Congrats! You can’t read.

What else can be expected from a forum filled to the brim with illiteracy problems and issues with comprehension?

Point out to where I said DOS was fucked up because it was “hard”. It’s easier if you don’t scroll too fast. I know you’re in a rush to watch the next fagtastic episode of Fruits Basket but please, do confirm that you at least know the difference between “hard” and “tedious”.


Devil May Fry

“Gears of War has nothing to do with LoS,”

You are literally too stupid to insult.



“Guy has no idea what hype (Halo = good example, Dark Souls = bad example), longevity (news flash, people still play and/or remember SOTN or Super Metroid) or bad design is all about.”

Maybe not hype, but I can tell you that if you play through a LONG ASS GAME, and then you are required to go back to the beginning of the game to find some random item you need to progress because you weren’t aware of it when you started playing the mother fucker, then yes, that’s bad design.

And remembering is all they really do for Super Metroid. I see more people demanding Prime games than another Super Metroid. If Super Metroid was not badly designed, you’d see more people demanding more Super Metroid. And I don’t see requests besides the guy wanting a port.

Hell, I see MORE people demanding a sequel/HD Remake to SOTN than Super Metroid. Surely, the “best game in the Metroid series” should command more respect than this.



“Asshole”, stop posting my shit on Gamefaqs.



The more shit I hear from Nintendo, the more I want another Dreamcast.

Yoshi…. is my number 1 favorite Mario character. Ever. You have a dinosaur, first of all, that can eat yo ass up, shit you out, and toss you at enemies. Not to mention it’s a dinosaur.

And everyone game that starred Yoshi has been (fuck you Wanda Sykes) absolutely gay.

And I can’t find any other word to describe this shit beyond “Gay”. Why the fuck would anyone want a YOSHI YARN game!?

Does… Nintendo hate Yoshi or something!? Every game he stars in is some sugar coated bullshit. Peep it.

Coloring book graphics with cry baby bastard. GAY!

Super happy fruit. GAY!

Yoshi’s Cookies! Yoshi’s DAMN cookies!

I’m sure EVERYONE was comfortable buying this load of shit. >_>

Infact, why did most of NIntendo’s DS games have adverts have the slogan “touching is good”!? Did they think “dirty thoughts” were a good image for a “family friendly” ass company!?

I don’t think Nintendo is in touch with their market! Don’t nobody want this Yarn bullshit! I don’t know what Nintendo is thinking! Lets review:

How the fuck is Yarn “Epic”!?

As far as I can tell you, this game bombed in all markets. Even Japan! There’s a nice little misconception that just because the Japanese like cute shit, this game would sell. BUT LOW AND BEHOLD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE!?

Oh of course, Kirby hasn’t ever been stellar on the sales charts. But everyone is just ok with that to accept the retardification of the series?!

Something tells me Nintendo is getting too old. Old people like to knit to pass the time. So for Nintendo to pass the time in development, they make games based off of Yarn and call it “creativity” and uniqueness. And everyone will lick their asses over some half-baked reasoning that it’s just a quirky “art style” to show off the HD graphics. Fuck that shit. Is ANYONE  going to pay 60 fucking dollars for some shit that was designed for old people to not feel bad about knitting quilts until they take a dirt nap!?

The Yoshi games have never been popular because Nintendo makes the series far too fucking gay for it to matter. This Yarn shit ain’t helping it one bit. And for a character I LOVE, this is a fucking embarassment! He looks like a fucking welfare toy made by granny while having alzheimers disease.

And to top it off, they’re making an HD remake of that piece of shit Wind Waker. Fuck it. I can’t stay a Nintendo fan and just accept more bullshit that not even the fucking fans want! NO ONE WANTS A YARN GAME!

During the gamecube days, people have said that Nintendo “tells their fans what to like”. This has to be true given that Nintendo doesn’t like making games we actually WANT to play! And the ones we do?


Can anyone find any noticible differences between NSMB and NSMB2!? NSMBW and NSMBU!?


This is Nintendo’s output I see nowadays.


Children are, sometimes, one of the best types of people to be around. Why? They have no standards. They have no knowledge. They have nothing but their own imaginations.

When they look at a particular object, they may not have a damn clue what it is or what it does. But instantly, they make up their own minds about it and call it something else. Instantly, a little tree stick can become a sword to find monsters. Or a slide can be a space shuttle to a new world.

The best part about being a child is not knowing a damn thing in this world. Not being expected to give a fuck is even better. You can make up your own mind about anything and people would be ok with it.

Adults often use the phrase “if only I could see the world through a child’s eyes”. The reason being is the acquisition of knowledge and the expectations of acting your age has become a big priority when you grow up. As an adult, you have no choice. Children have no responsibilities and can only focus on playtime. So they’re left to their own devices. The only thing children have to worry about is following the rules… and homework.

When you’ve been exposed to a certain environment for an extended period of time, that environment becomes you. Or you can take a bastard out of prison, but you can’t take prison out of a bastard. When you’re an environment where you’re expected to know shit or be right… or learn for fuckin argument, you start looking at things as set in stone facts. This is the way things run and that’s the end of it. You can’t bring yourself out of that mindset. You need logic and facts to be a part of everything now. Even…. video games.

It’s quite funny how video games are the least important activities anyone can partake in and yet treat it as if it’s a life and death situation, especially in regards to storylines. Video games really don’t need storylines so much as they need to be really fun. But developers understand that within …..America at least, that gamers are exposed to the environment of needing to know the “why” they do shit. “Question everything” being our motto. So what happens is games get stories which used to range from simple shit. Save the princess to bang the princess. That was it. That’s all that was needed.

Later on in life, most of the series that had simple storylines with no intentions of being bigger than that went through severe changes. Suddenly, creators wanted to focus on creating a timeline of events to establish which games are important to pay attention to in regards to storyline and what isn’t. This results in games getting bigger, more convoluted storylines than ever before. Games made during the 64bit era don’t have the problem of jacked up canon. But games made during the 8bit and even 16bit era? Oh Amma, you’re get some jacked up canon.




Street Fighter

King of Fighters

Mega Man (to an extent)

Hell, lets toss Metroid into the mix due to Sakamoto’s bullshit statements regarding the Prime series.

Due to the environment where everyone wants to be right on every marker, we get a million arguments on internet forums in regards to what’s canon and what’s not. People become intensified during canon arguments. Because dammit, Sonia Belmont exists!

The power of blonds cause a thousand shit storms

The issue of canon is the accentuation of one’s ego. We often theorize and interpret stories to works we may not fully understand after just one viewing or play through. The problem is that we often assume that our theory is the “right” theory. What happens next is that a user may research works of fiction obsessively just to verify if his/her theories and ideas are the most accurate. If so, then an ego boost ensues and this person lurks around internet forums, waiting to pounce on the first person to make a contradictory statement in regards to his/her accurate theories.

This becomes a huge issue especially in regards to video games. Video games already provide an environment where people are preoccupied with their own egos. Competition is rampant. So if you get enough nerds to run around about a video game’s storyline, you will find a war more fierce than conflicting religious views.

Another reason behind why we may want to have an accurate interpretation of canon is due to some worship of the creators. Hardcore gamers especially have a sick… sick… obsession with the creators of their favorite video games.

I got away with the Virtual boy! HOHOHOHO!

So with all the wacky shit that goes on in the world of creator worship, people are adamant that they get the creator’s vision right. If the creator’s intended for something to be a certain way, that’s the fucking end of it for the fans. You will not be allowed to contradict or reinterpret “official details given by the creators” by decree of the fans themselves. To do so is a sin punishable by death!

Some of this might be due to pity for the creators given how strict publishers can be with creative control, and whilist understandable given the nature of HOLLYWOOD, people exxagerate how detrimental executive meddling can be. But that’s aside the issue.

One notable example of how obsessive fans can be about accurate canon interpretations would be this video done by OcarinaHero. Here, he demonstrates the sad, sad state of how much people care obsessively in regards to affirming a specific canon of their preferred series.

Listen to what he says. He specifically asks Nintendo on “how good he did”. He doesn’t seek to gain insight on the creator’s intentions at all. He seeked validation for wasting his goddamn time.

Trying to establish what is canon and what isn’t is more than just trying to get an accurate view of what the true story is. It’s more so an act of supremacy. Gamers are learning fictional canon details…. for fucking argument.

This really just gets into the “I’m the biggest fan of them all” competitions that have been going on for generations. We’re all so stupid when it comes to getting official details right.

Take for example Sonic CD. For Wadjet knows… what reason, people will argue that this game takes place before Sonic 2 or after Sonic 3 based on Tails and Metal Sonic’s forms.

Why can’t we just come together to form something more awesome!?

What’s even more delicious is that in recent interviews with Ken bitchface who says there is no real placement for Sonic CD except that it takes place before Sonic 4, the fanbase will STILL fight about it. Now some guys will lie and say it was confirmed to be after 3 still.

Or how about this plot guide on Street Fighter? Ignoring how shitty the storyline is, skip allllllll the way down to where it says “SFZ3 can’t be canon!!” as well as the part titled “pgVIITiamatJerk” where he states that he “painfully researches” shit that really does not impact your enjoyment of a game. True, perhaps people could be a little more respectful to those that go through all of this shit just to get some coherency on what the fuck the story is, I think by the time SF4 came out, it’s proven that Capcom couldn’t give 2 fucks about “Canon” since Bison is still alive after SF2, making the whole plot guide (in essence) a giant waste of time.

And if Capcom couldn’t give a fuck, neither should you.

For some reason, gamers are giving these creators and developers more power and authority than they deserve. When people talk about Sakamoto and is feelings toward the Prime series being canon or a side story, they try so hard to figure out if he hates or likes the prime games in order to confirm whether or not the prime series is canon. Who gives a fuck what he thinks? He DESTROYED SAMUS ARAN’S CHARACTER! Samus will never be the same again thanks to this jackass. The entire fanbase wishes to forget that Other M happened, and yet for some reason, people are still debating Sakamoto’s ideas on the Prime series.

Here’s a little statement from the Smash Bros. community in regards to being able to use exploits. Their main deal is that the creators can do whatever they want to the game, they can intend for a lot of features to be used a certain way, but when the game is in the hands of the customers, the creator’s input ends there. It is now yours. You can do whatever the hell you want with it.

I don’t like giving the Smash community too much credit because many of them happen to be clinically insane people, but perhaps we need to start taking a few tips from them in regards to what we consider ownership. Brawl wouldn’t have been awesome if not for Project M as it’s turned the game into our personal form of Mugen! If that isn’t tight, I don’t know what is.

Why can’t we apply the same ideals toward video game canon? The creator’s input ends when you purchase something and the product is yours. You do whatever the hell you want.

Back then, video games never really had a story beyond the manual. But we never read that shit, so we were free to make up our own minds in regards to storylines.

YES! Knuckles was a girl in Sonic 3! FUCK YOU!

We don’t have that kind of freedom today because creators are now trying to create accurate storylines for gamers to follow. What happens is that we have yet another factor of why games aren’t so fun these days.

The solution is to hope those games have a “skip this bullshit cutscene” option, go into games with a virgin mind untainted by the creator’s “vision”. Video games were made with the intent of you having control. That’s how they should be. When games start shoving a story into your face with skip option, that is the creator declaring war on the goal of the medium. Who cares what the creator’s intended? They can intend for a lot of things, that should have ZERO IMPACT on your enjoyment of a video game. If it gets in the way, the creator’s have failed.

So why won’t people ignore the visions of the creator’s and instead of making up their own visions?

Well…. I think that idea goes back to religion. Religion is basically a construct that uses morals and stories to create and sustain social order. Western religions have gone off the deep end and caused people to, instead of creating social order, teach people to give up their power and put it into another plane of existence. IE God. You can’t be God because you can’t do what the so-called “good book” says you can do. Can you part waters? Flood the world? Anything? Then you can’t be God. And you can’t debate that because this book said so. Therefore, shut the fuck up while I stone yo ass to death!

The same idea applies, because hardcore gamers treat video games as a religion and treat the creators as “gods”. Heh. “The almighty creator”. The creator ordained that Link fails in Ocarina of Time in order to give way to the failure timeline where all the GOOD zelda games take place. That is the fucking end of it.

When you think about it, Canon sounds similar to “Canaan” which is the origin of Christianity’s god whom is sometimes called “Yahweh”. He who musters armies. In this sense, Game “Canon” musters legions of fanboys to go into flame wars on the internet when it comes to interpreting a work.

We as gamers need to stop treating game Canon as a religion of itself. These creators are human beings. They are not immortal gods who shalt not e defied. Believe it or not, we have MORE power than the creators ever will. And yeah, the creators themselves will try to defy your power many times (DLC bribes to take away your options of purchasing a game for example).

I say “fuck the canon”. Make up your own minds about a certain work. If you think Street Fighter’s Storyline is shit, make up your own and act them out in-game. Or write fan-fiction. But for FUCK’S SAKE, avoid making Mary-Sue’s.

I…. HATE…. Mary sue’s!


I’ve been playing God Eater for the PSP (unfortunate, I know) like… nonstop. Mainly because of the sword pictured above. This weapon is known as the Wild Sword: Laoyang which has the ability to stun Aragami (monsters). Upgrading  the weapons in this game, however, happens to be a bitch. Mainly due to the fact that the materials you gain are extremely hard to come by. Why?


I have to fight this asshole 100 million butt fucking times in a row. And no, that faggot is not my character.

2. Emperor fangs have a drop rate of 10% at best, but supposedly more so if you can crack the head open. And considering the head has a wretched amount of defense, combined with the fact that he wont stand still (speedy mother fucker too) as well as having the most sporadic enemy pattern in the history of mankind, this is quite frankly the most tedious fucking drop to get.

This is insanity at this point. I thought Grand Chase was terrible about this. Actually no, Grand Chase is STILL worse about drop rates (10% is better than 2% especially for 3rd classes). I could understand if it was a quadriga or something, but this asshole is faster than the speed of sound.

So when I finally DO crack the head and kill it, I still have only a 10% chance of getting the emperor fang. I’ve been able to crack that bitch open 12 times, and I have YET to get a 4th emperor fang! I’ve gotten 3 without doing the head buster.  Increases chances my ass.

Now how do you think I feel? I’ve fought this thing like 78 times right now and it is taking forever to get one drop that I need to move my sword up a level. I finally learned how to bust some heads open and I don’t have shit to show for it! What a fantastic way to make the players feel rewarded by giving them NOTHING!

There are… so many games like this at this point. Where you can research, train, and perform 100% of the time and STILL not get a drop you want. Had this game been like “ok, break this part and you will ALWAYS get the parts you need”, then this would be better. This would encourage the players to practice more on breaking certain parts of monsters which in turn also increases their chances of killing monsters faster. Attacking weak points should be far more rewarding beyond just having an easier time killing monsters. There should be more benefits within doing this. Giving players better drops would do a fine job. But for some reason, RPG makers put in this damned RNG method to make sure players keep doing the same things over and over again.

RNG serves ZERO purpose in video games these days than to create fake addiction. It’s the result of lazy game design excused only as a means of replay value by masochistic hardcore gamers. As a result, games with RPG elements have become a chore to play. 2 games come to mind with this.

Castlevania games on the DS.

And mother fucking Pokemon.

Pokemon deserves a special mention. Starting with Gen 3 or 4, the capture rates for pokemon are all over the place. A legendary did not take over 50 ultra balls to capture when their vitals were false swiped, unless there’s some asspull hidden value that makes captures less successful. Gamefreak loves them some hidden values. Another thing they love are tedious ass methods of merely encountering a Pokemon! Take for example…

One bad mother fucker.

This is my all time favorite bug pokemon in the entire series. Why? Everyone loves to use Ice types because of their dreaded fears of Salamence and Garchomp. He’s the greatest troll I could ever use. Then again, everyone is gay for stone edge.

Now, look at this.

HONEY TREES! The bane of my existence.

The honey tree feature was a new method of catching pokemon in Diamond, Pearl, and Platinum. As usual with clinically insane pokemon fans, this is a legitimate means of catching pokemon because it “rewards patience“. What fuckery is that!?

Lets review. Honey trees are similar to headbutt trees in they have exclusive kinds of pokemon that appear randomly. Now, unlike HB trees, honey trees are a million times worse due to how the process goes.

1. You have to buy honey or obtain it by catching a Combee (who may or may not have it on them).

2. There are about a million trees in Sinnoh. You have to spread the honey on these trees (slathering them all up would increase your chances of catching what you want)

3. You need to wait 6 cunt fucking hours. (Real time)

4. Go back to said trees and check them. A pokemon may or may not have appeared.

5. If they did, then you get to fight. You’re gonna find lots of Burmees over a Heracross though.

Keep in mind that a Heracross has at least a 5% chance of appearing on these trees. 6 hours time, 5% encounters, you know what this means? Yeah, of course you do. Those limp dick fuck ups at Gamefreak have crafted one of the most insidious design choices ever in video game history. What balls they have!

The RNG is mostly featured in MMOs to ensure that players become addicted to the lottery like nature of the game. As seen here, MMO developers have to find some way to keep you addicted to the games long enough to sustain profit for subscriptions. Grand Chase is one of those sure fire games. Yes,it’s free to play, but Ntreev (commonly known as NGreed) has a SEVERE habit of shoving the cash shop down your throat. This includes:

1. Making cash equips severely overpowered.

2. Cash quests for class changes are easier, have less requirements to fulfill, and HIGHER drop rates for items needed to advance classes.

3. VIP slot machine that has like 1% drop rates for every item that is exclusive to the slots.

And these methods were working. People were spending well over $300 dollars for this game that is supposed to be “free”. Going free in this game is the WORST thing you could do. None of the free/GP gear you get is worth anything. You only get one pet and need to cash for everything else. And the drop rates, oh Amma, those drop rates. For the second class change, you need up to 300 fragments of a particular weapon, and 10 gaikoz seals. The fragments aren’t 2 bad, but ensures you’ll do a millions runs in the same 4 dungeons, or just Gaikoz’s castle to get seals. Seals drop from the main boss and have 5% drop rates. You need 10 for free missions. Cash? 10 frags, 1 seal. Drop rates are even higher.

This wouldn’t be so bad if people didn’t ass kiss them so much over this shit. The VIP slot machines they put in the games were the most blatant forms of cash whoring I have ever seen. Ntreev’s revenue generating practices literally destroys their published MMO’s, severing the ties between communities time and time again turning the environment into class warfare over who has the skills vs who has the cheese.

MMO makers/publishers abuse the RNG for monetary purposes alone. But why is this shit in video games that don’t require a paid subscription?! Going through Xenoblade where every single guest in the game is a goddamned fetch quest will drive you clinically insane, because you even get ONE DROP you need to complete a quest that requires 10! This is a single player game. My success of getting shit does not impact anyone else. I say this because hardcore types have (back in my day, anyway) used this excuse for the sake of “balance”. There’s no reason for this shit than to discourage me from playing games forever that have rpg elements. Xenoblade’s 17 trillion quests are littered with RNG horse shit. There’s no point in doing any of these quests unless you want some flashy sword with so and so special abilities that won’t amount to anything now that you’ve beaten the game by that point.

This is especially jarring as most RPGs that give you “super special awesome weapons” DON’T AMOUNT TO SHIT! At least in God Eater, the weapons have some sort of effect that I can see on monsters. Xenoblade!? Last Story!? Grand Chase? PSP2!? NOTHING! I don’t see any real improvements in attack power from any stronger weapons…. ever. This is in contrast to turn-based RPGs (and PSO) where the effects become immediately apparent. You can tell hunters have incredible melee attacks while FOnewms can nuke the shit out of everything. Today’s RPGs, you cant tell whether or not your most powerful gear is actually doing anything! You’re just stuck wailing on enemies until they’re dead without any concern that your attacks are either stronger or weaker. I don’t feel rewarded by obtaining new weapons that have nothing to show for it except how rare the mother fuckers are.

But, since developers are lazy, things are going to get more expensive, and gamers will be less likely to buy shit, developers will more and more start relying on the RNG to do all the programming for them. What ensues that gamers will become discouraged and alienated from playing RPGs in the near future, especially for MMOs when the money starts getting tighter. Developers are going to have to find some sort of compromise. I can assure you that this shit is going to bite them on the ass. Especially the games that don’t have paid subscriptions (Japan with their bias against PC games). There’s not gonna be a middle ground with drop rates.

The unfortunate problem is that NO ONE really brings this up as an issue with RPGs. If that skinner box is anything to go by, perhaps we really do enjoy this kind of atmosphere. Afterall, Maryland is getting another damn Casino even though it benefits NO ONE except crooks and criminals. And people voted for it! And we all know it wasn’t for schools. Everyone knows that’s bullshit. No money will go to furthering education, it’s all about people’s love of money and their gambling addictions. It’s literally impossible to escape. We all have this… sick… sick obsession with “luck based outcomes” in regards to money. If there is a chance to win more when you’ve already won enough, enough isn’t enough. You want more because well… think of the possibilities! You might be able to upgrade that damn sword to Laoyang P! ANd then to Laoyang!

Ugh. Devs know the human mind to the point that they will anger people with this shit.


Well this is unexpected! Looks like Operation Rainfall has been a complete success if not only because of XSEED’s attribute of being awesome.

Good! I need one last Wii game before I call it quits with Nintendo’s consoles. Fans shouldn’t have to demand games for any console like this. Nintendo’s stubbornness will be remembered and mocked.

Now, lets hope it comes here before April. That’s the dictation of when the economy crashes by analysts at least.

It’s ironic to be a fan of a series that is essentially a glorification of Europeans who save the world from Warlock ranked vampires, but believe me when I say it’s a series that’s more addicting than the face of Vilayna Lasalle.

And for some reason, people think that bitch Mily Kunis is sexy.

Castlevania has been… well, for better or worse, under the radar for quite some time up until the “exaggerated” success of Lords of Shadow. For those of you unaware (and there should be quite a lot of you that haven’t been on the internet, I guess). Castlevania is a series of 2D platformers in which you play a family of vampire slayers and blah blah you don’t give a fuck. Just know this.


And some more for good measure.

NOT CASTLEVANIA Lords of Shallow

To be honest, no one cares whether or not LOS is a real castlevania game. In fact, most castlevania fans don’t care. The game is currently standing as one of the most successful entries in the franchise (with Circle of the Moon following by and SOTN… oh wait, that didn’t really do anything, did it?). The fact is that LOS… is another GOW clone. Much like Dante’s Inferno, western devs show once again that their only real skill is copy/pasting old shit into a new package. The moment you fight your first titan should raise a big ass red flag that “something screams deja vu”.

inB4 “BUT SOTN….”

Granted, Castlevania has copied before with the Metroid gameplay (and unfortunately led to some shitty label called “metroidvania”), but everyone agrees that the change was not actually bad for the series. However, more people are willing to call these games Castlevania than they are with Lords of Shadow. And yet, more people want Castlevania games to be like Lords of Shadow anyway.

This is the beauty of fanbases. No matter what happens, they can mindfuck you with their pathology. One would ask the question that “if the majority of the CV fans don’t consider LOS to be a real CV game, but they would prefer more LOS games?” One would probably guess is that it’s the same problem with new generation gamers in general (and you’d probably be correct). One look at Castlevania dungeon and you would see a thousand shit storms over the games in general. But maybe we aren’t really thinking as to why LOS is the preferred standard. LOS does away with everything that scream Castlevania with the intent of being a derivative Hollywood LOTR  “EPIC”. It becomes evident the moment Gabriel meets some… unicorn or w/e in the forest who helps him out for no reason. It becomes evident with the long, drawn out narratives done by the always overrated Patrick Stewart. It becomes evident when the forest chase sequence has shaky cam syndrome that’s usually employed in fucking hollywwod movies.  It doesn’t even look like a game. The hyper-realism just destroys any semblance of a video game and turns it into another Final Fantasy: The spirits within.

But what’s wrong with the actual Castlevania games that make people prefer these titles? Well, there’s a shit load, but I’ll just point out a few issues I have with it.


1. The series was never really that popular.

Ask anyone you know what their childhood was like with video games. Most of the time, you’ll probably just get Mario and/or Sonic. Or Street Fighter. Most can point to Mega Man, Street Fighter, or even Double Dragon. Pac Man for those that death warmed over. Amma forbid, Battle toads. Hell, Streets of Rage even gets a mention even though those bastards at Sega won’t revive the damn franchise (but lets make shitty RPG’s called “valkerie Profile” that no one wants except the nerds online).

So why can’t anyone recall Castlevania that well?

Marketing is one reason. Konami has never been known for marketing. Hell, I barely see any commercials for their most popular franchise, Metal Gear Solid. Certainly, they’ve got popular brands such as MGS and DDR, but few people will recall the Castlevania franchise. In all honesty, Konami has never truly bothered to let anyone know the series exists. The few commercials that exist were for SOTN and Lament of Innocence. I think there was one for the gameboy games, but I never saw any for Super Castlevania 4, Curse of Darkness, none for the GBA or DS titles, and jack shit for the NES games. One could assume that Konami is poor, but considering the production that goes into MGS, it’s probably the same reason Nintendo treats NSMB games in that they just don’t give a fuck about Castlevania up until now with Kojima ramming his director’s cock up the series arse.

But even then, the few people that remember the originals don’t remember them that fondly. Most people would probably never go back to the original NES games (me included) and had their view of the series colored on those games alone. I have yet to find one person who claims any of the original NES games were their favorite CV games of all time. That’s fucking impossible at this point. And even then, a lot of people would not find the difficulty of the game bearable. Considering how trite the originals were, you’d be hard pressed to recommend any of those games to anyone. You can find the original 6 Mega Man to be on anyone’s “try out” list. And hell, even Double Dragon. But you won’t find a Castlevania game in sight for the NES try outs.

I’d assume Simon’s quest was probably a hoot if not only because of Nintendo Power’s controversial front cover.

I mean, why would they turn Simon into a Trojan!?

Other than that, I can’t really see why people would care all that much about Castlevania aside from it being a parody of horror films. And even then, the NES games sucked ass.

On the other hand, Circle of the Moon was (and probably is) the highest selling Castlevania game in the series, more than LOS even (Nathan Graves is so much cooler than Gabriel’s pussy ass anyway).


2. Everyone bullshits when they say they like Super Metroid.

May I interest you in a nice fine course of your IMMINENT DEMIIIIIISE!?

Nintendo fans live in a fantasy world where games that are popular “today” were always popular. That is why we have the myth of Yoshi’s Island being “awesome” and doing wonderful things for the Super Nintendo (like causing people to call NIntendo kiddie). As such, Super Metroid is heralded as the best Metroid game ever, even though it didn’t do shit. The thing that sold Metroid Prime was the Space Marine craze of the 6th generation as well as nice graphics. Super Metroid didn’t do shit for the series except go on hiatus. It didn’t sell well enough for Nintendo to consider it for the N64 (cause Ma’at be told, they didn’t need another blunder). And if I’m being honest, the game is just shit. It controlled like ASS for the majority of the time, boss fights felt slow, your abilities did not feel optimized for combat (your rate of fire is slooooooow, even by the standards of the first game) not to mention how it felt like you were being led on a set path, which is NOT Metroid at all. The game just felt like a mess.

So why did Konami use this “formula” for Castlevania? Apparently, Koji Igarashi is a fan of Super Metroid. That’s ok. The Japanese have bad taste, we know this already (considering one dev said that Transformers ROTF was a creative masterpiece, this isn’t surprising). What is odd is just how much better SOTN is than Super Metroid. While you are being led on a set path it seems, combat is more practical, the game feels neat, controls smoothly, as is just pretty to look at. This was the definitive Castlevania experience…. and it’s still ass. The difficulty felt like it had mood swings from time to time. The majority of weapons you get, you won’t use if you have that magic shield/rod+nice sword combo that you can rape everything with. I forgot what the combo was, but it just destroyed everything once you got it. No need for any real skill even without the combo.

The problem with games like Super Metroid and SOTN is that once you’ve gone through the main castle/planet, the only thing you can do left is explore what little you have left on the map for some tiny extras that won’t amount to shit in the long run. This is the problem with most Adventure games like Zelda in which you go through this big ass world… and then you finish it, all you have left to do is go around… tying up whatever few things you didn’t do.

These games are intended for one playthrough every once in a while. You know why? Because simply put, you’ve been through the entire game, you know all the secrets, the boss strategies, the locations for 100% completion, then you get to a point and say “shit, now what?”. You put it away for a while… then just come back to it.

But what if you have good memory? You’re really fucked now!

Games like this have little to no longevity. There’s no real incentive to go back and continue playing them over and over because once you’ve gotten everything down pat, it’s just a matter of doing speed runs just because you can. This is why most people would have to wait a good while (like 6 months or so) before coming back because the game’s content is just too fresh in your mind at this point.

The problem with Castlevania now is that they decided to add RPG elements to the package. And with that comes a myriad of problems. For one, it gives the game the “grind” if you will. You’ll find yourself killing the same enemies 100 butt fucking times to get one weapon/soul/DSS Card/Glyph, w/e. This shit isn’t fun. Play Dawn of Sorrow and find out that half of your weapon inventory depends on you giving up your monsters souls, and you will soon realize just how fucked up this weapon collection system really is. Not to mention now since you can level up, the games have lost all semblance of challenge. The Castlevania series was (by the few) considered a “man’s game” because everything about them could rape you to crumbs. Now? It’s a damn joke in comparison. The game even makes it a point making some of the series previous bosses into normal enemies you can kill just by pissing on them.

Rags. More powerful than the Vampire Killer.

What happens is the series’s been declawed. Stripped of any real challenge (just like the Metroid Series). While OOE tried to fix that (and succeeded), for the most part, anyone can get into the series and rape it just by killing the same enemies over and over. This is a problem with RPG’s in general, and while it doesn’t completely ruin he Castlevania series, the removal of any real challenge is strongly evident.

Not to mention it just feels like you’re just running around like rambo and just killing everything in your path. It’s fun for a while, but after 7 times, it feels trite.


3. IGA was kinda fucking it up.

I’ll admit one thing. A lot of Japanese developers piss me off. I can count Aonuma, Iizuka, Miyamoto, Sakamoto, Inafune, Kojima, and Hirabayashifor destroying the Resident Evil franchise.

But Koji Igarashi is (for the most part) a decent developer. Unlike a lot of them, he seems to genuinely care about the Castlevania series and certainly has a lot more respect for it than other developers that inherit a long time series during the 90’s or currently. Hell, he did make a famous stance saying “2D Forever!“. That said, he isn’t perfect. He did make LOI and COD, 2 games that literally made the series a little worse (story wise at least). The portable games have been fun (for a while) up until Dawn of Sorrow. By that point, it was clear that IGA was starting to get burnt out from mass producing the same games. It started with Harmony of Dissonance where he essentially tried to make “SOTN 2”. And it’s very clear that he was. Consider the following.

A. Suspiciously similar Map layout



Notice they have the same castle center block.

B. Same save stations



C. Contains inverted castles

D. Has the “Simon’s Quest” Syndrome.

IE. In Simon’s quest (Castlevania 2 NES), you are required to collect the 5 remains of Dracula’s body to finish the game. To get the true ending for both SOTN and HOD, you have to do the same thing.

Simon’s Quest artwork of Dracula’s heart (EW!)

Like so.

And then Aria of Sorrow, he decided to bring back the weapon collecting element that was the main source of addiction for SOTN in the first place in combination with the Demon Souls System (where you get to collect souls of enemies you killed) which was one of the coolest additions to the series admittedly. With these 2 entries, it’s clear he was trying to outdo SOTN. It’s a good attempt considering how bad SOTN actually is (when no one is blinded by “art assets”) and how superior AOS was.

But then, he fucked up with Dawn of Sorrow. As I’ve said earlier, IGA decided to intertwine soul collecting with weapon hunting. See, in AOS, weapons and souls were segregated. You had to find each and everyone individually. In Dawn of Sorrow, if you wanted every weapon in the game, you desperately NEED souls. See, here’s how it works. In a certain shop, some white bitch can relinquish a soul from you in exchange for crafting a new weapon. This is neat except that if you want 100% completion, you would need to collect at least 2 of each soul in order to keep it and get a new weapon. And this is agonizing considering that the drop rates for souls from monsters like the Final Guard and Iron Golems are completely FUCKED!   If you thought catching legendaries in Pokemon took forever, you have not lived until you’ve tried every enemy in this game. The RNG will tear ass on your patience like you wouldn’t believe. So this whole system just didn’t work and damn near killed the game. Not to mention those damned seals.

Then comes Portrait of Ruin which, ironically, is much better given that it’s less tedious. Even though the story is awful, the characters jumping out of a Saturday morning anime (literally. The dialogue is just…..FUCK!) and character techniques and weapons are essentially the AOS soul system repackaged. POR is the most childish game in the series, more so than Rondo of Blood with that cunt Maria Renard. And this saddens me considering that this game was supposed to be the sequel to Castlevania Bloodlines (which was considered to be one of the darker games in the series), and what we got is a slap in the face in comparison. Not to mention level design was just awful. They placed enemies in some of the most awkward places in this game (there’s a large jelly fish floating above a dining room area why?). And difficulty? It’s all over the place. I can’t believe the guys behind Legacy of Darkness and Circle of the Moon were behind this game. And that animu art style literally alienated a lot of fans.

This art style was done for 2 reasons. He wanted to give the main artist a break, and he wanted to broaden the series appeal. This wouldn’t be a bad thing if not for the fact that Castlevania isn’t a series for fucking children. Let them play that dumb ass Kid Dracula series, don’t fuck up Castlevania for them. That’s probably the reason people hate anime shows now, because they had such a negative influence on video games in general (look at Sonic the Hedgehog).

Anywho, from what I’ve heard, KO-G (KCEK guys behind LOD and COTM) had a big hand in the development of OOE, so maybe that’s why it wasn’t such ass in comparison to the first 2 games. It actually tried to mesh the elements of the classic games and the new. It is fucking hard, for one. The glyphs are another (shitty) soul system mechanic which…. is actually not as awful as the souls from DOS (drop rates are much better), and the music was pretty damn good too (TOWER OF DOLLS REMIX! YES!), not to mention Dracula actually innovates his fighting strategy for once (he walks!). OOE was a bitchin game.

So afterward, he produced 3 final games before moving on to allow Dave cocks to ruin Castlevania. Judgment, Rebirth, and Despair. While I like Judgment, it’s very clear why that game bombed. If you thought the animu shit from DOS and POR were awful, the manganization of Simon Belmont will scare most gay people straight. The designs alone turned people off, but the gameplay was quite shallow itself. Rebirth was pretty good. Despair also sold pretty decently too. But even then, it was clear as day that IGA’s heart just wasn’t into it anymore. These were all just fanservice games with no real meat to em. And they reek of “hastly put together for a buck”. They all have their merits and charm, but at the end of the day, IGA had practically fucked CV with POR.

I can’t really put the full blame on him. He’s not the brightest bolt in Konami’s house of developers. Hell, his interviews on the subject of “Castlevania Legends” speak volumes on how dumb he is. But getting stuck with a franchise that barely sells and being expected to usurp a KCEK game was probably asking for too much givin the series track record. But in the general sense, he had good intentions with a load of bad choices (making Dracula from an asshole to a sympathetic little bitch over women was the killer, as well as making the belmonts completely irrelevant to Dracula’s destruction). But hey, at least Konami is willing shift around the talent after a while. Loads of Japanese developers have job security after 1 success, and they ruin franchises with their egos.


4. The fans are fucking assholes.

About right.

This goes for any fanbase, but the CV fans deserve honorable mention for being the only fanbase that will fight over any statement, agreeable or contradictory, and the flames of disaster will  engulf the world.

The fire contains the words “Legends is Canon”.

One good look on Castlevania Dungeon forums, and the fanbase will be at war. Every topic, there’s always a fight about what game is superior to the other, and no one can seem to agree on what the best game in the series is (well… except Rondo of Blood, I guess). Not to mention that if there IS a unified opinion, be prepared to have it shoved down your throat as if it’s an undeniable fact. Yes, the CV fanbase represents that of an incredibly dysfunctional hivemind network, which is quite rare given how most fandoms operate. Got a problem with Simon’s design in LOS: MOF? “You’re a waste of Amma’s talent”.

If the fans like something equally, you had better lather up some saliva, get down on your knees, and hope you kiss a well toned female ass because you wouldn’t last a second if you are a contrarian thinker of the community. The problem is knowing how to appease them, because CV fans hate goddamned everything.  Like POR? Fuck you. Think Lords of Shadow is a GOW rip off? “NO! IT RIPPED OFF LOI FIRST!”

It seems most of the discussion is taylor made for ripping apart the series of anything and everything. How Classicvania sucks and needs to be brought back to prevent further suckage, why LOS is a real CV title because it has a million easter eggs to compensate for being nothing like Castlevania, why Dark Souls is infinitely 1upping CV and everything else? Man I can’t stand the hype for Dark Souls. It’s like people are just soooo upset with a franchise that they have to point out how much better something else is at every chance they get. I don’t even know what Dark Souls is and I don’t even want to play it. I can see devs will be playing Yugioh with that shit for years to come.

In any case, the barrier for entry into the CV fanbase is to be born of a Food Network critic and Simon Cowell.  In that you love fucking everything and curse it to crumbs.

When you think about it, #4 is probably the main reason Lords of Shadow is so popular.


Barrack Hussein, the long legged mack daddy Obomber. Look at this smug ass puppet in the vagina office!

Ya’ll niggas mind telling me what the FUCK this shit is about!?

I’ve been looking into the state of politics for the last 2 years now, and I can tell you everything that happens is a smoke screen for an agenda. Currently, this jack ass is actually pushing for gun control, which is more than enough to set off the entire nation in time for Martial Law. However, this dipshit is actually offering the CDC a whopping 500 million (10 million, I know but 500 gets the point across to how fucking insane this asshole is) to research how violent video games affect people!?

I’ve already talked about how media in general can influence people, and my stance hasn’t changed. Main reason is because for some fucked up reason, the government is specifically targeting video games as a result of the shooting.  Of course, Hollywood won’t get shit on this because most of the actors are promoting gun control despite making millions off of violent films. Not to mention the gov has a nice little hand in controlling the media (Movies and Television in general). When you look at the big picture, the government doesn’t have major control over video games (or the internet considering the millions of internet bills they were trying to pass last year alone. SOPA CISPA FISA and an executive order even.) so this is more than likely a method to take control of it. Have video games be used as more tools of propaganda. Who knows?

You know why I’m bothered by all of this? The Rockefellers have a hand in this. They already tried to pass a bill…. and failed. But they are trying to ram it up the arse again. The Rockefeller foundation is one that isn’t to be trusted with anything they get their hands on. If they’re trying get legislation passed for video games, you are going to hate the future of gaming if they ever succeed. I can guarantee that.

Geez, 500 million. The CDC gets money for no reason. But what’s really fucked up is that they might link violent video games to some estranged mental illness they’ll make up just to justify possible curfews on video games, or people who play video games will soon be stigmatized and stereotyped as retarded people (the internet communities don’t help one bit with that classification). So an english otaku label might not be far off. Gamers would be looked at as potential killers and psychopaths who are being trained to kill and…. oh wait that IS happening, isn’t it!?

2013 might be the year that being a gamer will soon be exclusive to just privacy matters like porn. All alone, huddled around your Play Stations just to play God of War without being stalked. It’ll be very sad, too. Video games used to be a family thing. We would all get together and take turns trying to beat that damn 4-4 castle from Super Mario Brothers. But that game would encourage an entire family to start going on killing sprees at the local zoo’s reptile cage. Contra might inspire 2 coop lovers to go in the street killing illegal aliens. Actually, they might be thought of as heroes.

And Sonic? “Gotta keep juicin!”. Oh man, the black market for drugs would be very lucrative once the economy goes bust thanks to a blue hedgehog. Or Mario with fire flowers being a metaphor for weed smoking, and Miyamoto would have an excuse not to make GOOD Mario games anymore and focus on shitty gimmicks.

This NEEDS to be banned.

Welcome, gamers, to the world of politics. If you thought developers were good with bullshitting people, you haven’t met Barrack Insane, the long legged mack daddy Obomber. He can bullshit anyone and no one can detect it! How is it possible that white folks are trusting him, vindictive as they is!? It must be his mulatto-ness. OoO

Guaranteed to play…. on nothing.

/\ Clicky!

Well gang, Sony has decided to do a little ethnic cleansing on their fanboys this year by patenting a technology that can actually block used games. I guess those assholes who made Heavy Rain will literally “shower them with praise” if you will.

If they’re gonna patent it, then it’s actually good news for those that don’t like Sony consoles. Good news in that they have a lawsuit case against Microsoft and Nintendo if they pulled this shit. IE Microsoft and Nintendo fans may not feel the wrath of not getting games at prices they should be at. On the other hand, since most 3rd party developers are complete idiots, they may all just sign over with Sony exclusively, if their behavior with DLC is anything to go by.

The problem with this impulsive action is that they want us to buy games full price during a RECESSION! People are going to be more concerned about putting food on the table than wasting money on a declining brand of entertainment. Games have been getting WORSE over the course of 20 fucking years, but they want more money. You want to justify your high ass prices? Instead of thinking because you had a high budget to blow on superficial graphics, how about making the games fucking awesome!? These developers haven’t made fucking awesome games since the early 90s.

Instead of making fucking awesome games, they decide to play yugioh and rip off everything they can get their hands on.



You cannot hope to win!

That’s all these bastards have been doing with video games this entire generation. Copy off the last game until nothing is special about it anymore. If people want to play Call of Duty, then they will. They don’t want no “me to!” FPS simulation of the last “big hit game” out there. This is why people eventually stop buying games new, because developers won’t stop copying everything! Just because one guy got rich off of something doesn’t mean you can get rich off of it too. It’s only if you make it unique or of higher quality will it get you any money.  People aren’t going to rush out and buy more of the same shit unless it’s got the same name. You have to understand the nature of the game itself instead of the nature of the success. They see success, they just rehash the game. But if they saw the game itself, they could understand it’s inner-workings and actually improve it’s concept. This rarely happens because no one wants to understand the games but rather the success. This is why we got shit for the Wii in the form of “party games” and not the real shit that people wanted. If I wanted to convince you why you should buy my game instead of the competition (and I did take the concept), I would have to give you a reason why it’s better. If you can get the same shit out of my game that you can already get out of someone else’s, you’re not gonna give me your money for it. But if I had something better or “cooler”, then you’d be swayed.


Me: Oh yeah? You’ll love this game then!

Me: I made one better!

Gamer: How is that better? VF5 is one of the most technical fighting games out there! It’s realistic and deep! Has a balanced roster of characters too. No other fighter can come close to VF5’s balance!

Gamer: But my game allows you to knock people off buildings, has faster fighting gameplay, more painful, bone breaking moves, and best of all, bitches who fight as playboy bunnies!

You: SOLD!

But no developer bothers to try something different. Trying something different is “risky”. And our economy makes them “risk averse. So they leech off of other companies and their successes.

Sony is a piece of shit for even considering this. How bold to dictate we can’t trade in used products. I have not heard of any other industry that tries to prevent you from selling a used item. Even hollywood doesn’t give a fuck if you give someone a used DVD. They made their money off of it.

I guess Sony is in a big rut. They’ve got their own devs that have a problem with second hand sales, and they can’t risk having those devs run off to Microsoft and give them more money. So Sony has to step in to become the industry’s lap dog and savior once more. Lest they feel the fucking fury that Nintendo and Sega faced before.

The future of used games seem really bleak at this point. While a patent is by no means a confirmation, the fact of the matter is… the industry machine is declaring war on the consumers. And they don’t even acknowledge their own stupidity in encouraging this environment.

Well, coming off my last post, everyone should know that Pokemon Gen 6 is coming. And once again, we already have people complaining that they won’t change the battle system in any way that people would give a damn about. That’s accurate, though. Nintendo isn’t known to go outside of formula’s they’re all to comfortable with (look at Zelda) unless of course they hand the series off to a 3rd party dev so they can run it into the ground (StarFox). If anything, Pokemon “plays it safe” mainly because it’s the only Nintendo series that can get away with stagnancy without so much as a whimper. Of course, adding more than 4 moves to a Pokemon’s move set isn’t asking for much, is it? (Unless it’s a memory issue, since they use that space up for the AMAZING 3D gwaphics).

Of course, according to the game’s rabid fanbase, yes, that is too much. Adding 2 or more extra moves to a Pokemon’s move set is “unbalanced”.

This is bullshit. I don’t think pokemon fans give a damn about “balance”. Infact, I don’t think any gamer cares about balance. If that was the case, we wouldn’t still be playing Pokemon games. Fuck, why do people love Street Fighter and Marvel vs Capcom games? Or Soul Calibur. Some of the most broken games in the history of mankind are incredibly popular. No one can deny that Brawl was the main reason to own  Wii, and we all bought Gamecubes to play Melee. Smash games are hideously broken, but they are a lot of fun.

So why not give Pokemon more than 4 moves?

There are quite a large portion of fans that are sick and tired of being limited to using only 4 moves. And dammit, they’re justified. It’s been 5 generations of pokemon games over the course of at least 16 years now. 16 years and the battle system has YET to move beyond 4 moves. It’s essentially doing the guilty gear thing where they just give out minor fixes to the battle system without innovating and actually making it fresh. The only reason we bought one pokemon games in the past was because the new pokemon looked bad ass. Gen 2 was the only real game in the series that gave us something fresh. It was just a sequel with new moves, new pokemon, new world, new genders and breeding system, egg hatching, everything. After that, now the games felt like a formula where they introduce features that hardly anyone gives a fuck about. In order to get the best out of these features, you have to treat pokemon like homework, meaning a certain few hours of research, note keeping, and time keeping?

Gen 2 is easily forgiven because Pokemon was still young. We didn’t care about a change in the battle system because “NEW POKEMON WE SAW ONLY IN MOVIES HOLY SHIT!”. Now it’s like “Oh… Pokemon contests… ok”. Gen 2 was considered special because for a long time, the only exposure we had were from the main games. The movies we went to see had pokemon we could never get. It made them “unique” because the advertisements were so subtle. We never got the new games before the first 2 movies. Then we got the games, we couldn’t be any more happy for all the new pokemon! Now… it’s nothing special anymore. We expect new pokemon and we expect a 3rd version, or sequel versions now. We expect new pokemon. We expect a new region. We expect new moves. We expect new minigames that no one plays. Pokemon is a mere formula now that only seems to be there to bring in profits when Nintendo botches up their business strategy. And if they somehow fuck up Pokemon? That’s it for Nintendo, they’ve got no cards left.

The developers seem more interested in adding bloat to the Pokemon instead of actually taking some time to reinvent the combat system. And none of these pointless “rotation battles” like anyone is going to spend time stalling to see which pokemon to use first, and then next. THAT’S NOT WHAT  WANT! Give us a battle system that actually feels new and not some slower, more bloated version of the old battle system that’s more or less a minigame in itself! Nintendo sees fit to recreate the gameplay of Mario, Zelda, and Metroid but for some reason, Pokemon just can’t be improved. All they seem focused with is 3D overworld gimmicks that contributes jack shit to the overall experience. Give me some MORE MEAT to the gameplay already.

Whatever made Pokemon popular stays back in 1998. Today, the series is just there to make sure Nintendo doesn’t go in the red. The main gameplay that people care about has not changed, and gets off scott free because Nintendo knows Disney’s marketing strategies. We all remember BW’s hype about a completely new experience… and it felt that way. And everything came off like shit. And now we’re rushed forward to a new generation while Gen 5 has nothing to show for it besides fixing up issues found in Gen 3 and 4. Overall, the games are now just about the graphics, while the main battle system stagnates. And why? Because the music guy behind the series is now comparing it to basketball. Why do Nintendo developers resort to petty excuses to be lazy? I don’t want flashy, cramped overworlds if all I’m gonna do is walk around and interact with certain “neat gimmicks” one time and then move the fuck on. That’s not exciting at all.  And how many times are they going to advertise their ability to utilize the internet for trading and battling people world wide? Yes Nintendo, you finally know how to use the internet. Lets give them a gold star and say “about time” even though it’s still shit.

“Don’t fix what isn’t broken!”

Pokemon is already broken if you care so much about balance. It’s not broken in the business sense (it will make money, regardless if it’s old and stagnant), but for the mother fucking 3DS that couldn’t sell Ocarina of time to a satisfactory goal, something’s got to give. There needs to be something really attractive for this package because the 3DS (no matter how much the fanboys try to deny it) is not doing it for Nintendo. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be getting Gen 6 this early. And exclusive for the 3DS.

Pokemon fans can get a little psychotic when it comes to the series, though. There are massive debates over whether or not the series should change up it’s formula. First off, a game shouldn’t be stuck in a “formula” in the first place. Or they should at least obscure it by not making your goals incredibly obvious. For one, Gen 1 didn’t restrict you to an area until you completed a gym 100% of the time. After Misty, you had a little bit of freedom to roam about the pokemon world. Starting with Gen 2, the games made gym battles more of a requirement to progress, and it’s just obnoxious in Gen 5. What about a pokemon game where gym battles were an option? A main game whom’s completion did not require the pokemon league in some way, shape or form? And I know BW had this, but you still had to go through the E4 just to get the ending.

And most of all, an “endgame” that actually MEANS SOMETHING! You gave us 2 regions in Gen 2 (and HGSS), why the fuck can’t we get more than that nowadays? Cut out some of that “show off” 3D bullshit so you can have more space on those small ass chips and give us… another fucking region. Do you know how exciting that shit was back then? That’s why everyone bitches about having a shitty endgame (until 3rd version is released to easily pacify the mother fuckers until next time, as if battle towers under new names and handicaps were anything exciting.)

There’s nothing wrong with changing things up at least once in a while. Is it necessary? No. Would stagnation kill the franchise? No. Would it be mother fucking awesome? YES! The Pokemon brand has proven to be substantial in making money. Nothing they do will change that. That said, changing the formula would not hurt a damn thing. Reinventing the battle system would not hurt a damn thing. Giving us a decent overworld that doesn’t bullshit us with “our construction won’t be finished until you earn a gym badge” would not hurt a damn thing. It’s not inherently set in stone that reinventing a gameplay system hurts the games.  For all the shit Zelda 2 gets, the game actually did decently and was highly sought after back then. Reinventing gameplay did not kill shit until Aonuma got into the series. It didn’t kill Phantasy Star. Infact, Phantasy Star wouldn’t be on anyone’s list of awesome games if Sega didn’t change a damn thing. How many people even bother to talk about the 1st 4 games anymore?

If Gen 6 does all that, then I have a reason to buy… the mother fucking 3DS. That and the DOA game because fuck you, I like titties. And how about a Castlevania game that isn’t based off that piece of shit Lords of Shallow?

I didn’t think your starters could look any more atrocious than Gen 4’s.

/\ Clicky!
Isn’t it a little early for Gen 6? Gen 5 has loads of untapped potential and an incredibly pointless sequel with crappier character designs and no real pokemon additions besides 2 shitty forms and a shallower storyline.

Something tells me the 3DS is doing poorly if they’re rushing out a new generation series of Pokemon games, especially considering the version names are no longer based on color schemes and on something generic like… “letters”. X and Y? WOW! Well, it’s better than “Diamond and Pearl” But we couldn’t get an Amber, Jade, Cobalt or Crimson scheme? I couldn’t care less about reused colors under different names, that’s what made the series unique before being co-opted by Inafune, Hudson, etc. But apparently the letters refer to the shapes of legendaries.

They look…

…like shit.

Gen 4 and 5 had a LOT of time to work on their newer generations before the deadlines come, this is faaar too soon at this point, especially seeing as the 3DS is probably a bitch to design for.

And to top it all off, the new region is based off of France. No wonder these designs reek of gay.

The 3DS is probably getting it’s ass kicked if they’re rushing the fucking pokemon games. That is practically Nintendo’s last bastion of dignity left. They had BETTER not fuck this up.