Category: Damn puzzles

Yes, look away my dear. It is that harrowing!

Upon purchasing Mirror of Fate for mi Bread Slice, I was almost completely aware of how this game was not going to be anything like the Castlevania I know and love, but just like retards at Stadium, I figured I could “adjust to change”. Now a week later and I do so wish I could go back in time and slap the hell out of myself.

OHHHHH the bullshit this game weaves is oh so intricate. Much worse than I imagined. I figured this was gonna be some wannabe IGAvania with Quick Time Events and crappy combat. No, it’s all that plus a bag of peanuts.

You start the game off as Gabriel fighting random monsters in cinematic bullshit pacing, and right off the bat, the first problem comes up. The game runs like ass. It goes for about the same amount of frames as does Ocarina of Time for the N64. It is that slow, and makes the game look ancient in comparison. Secondly, as I’ve covered earlier, these fucks mandate you use the damn thumb tac. After playing Shinobi and what not, trying to play a 2D game with a 3D input device was a no go. It feels so awkward, it’s like I literally have to look down at my thumb to check if I’m pressing directly left or right. And I’m serious, if it is not a straight line you’re pressing in, the shmuck will not move. He will sit his ass there waiting for a better response.

Anywho, after the tripe combat, you get to the story bits of how “Gabriel will become Dracula so the Brotherhood must hide his son from him”. So then we go to… Simon Belmont!?

Yeah, the game doesn’t really follow the game in order of events. You play from the present time and jump into the past when necessary. This is a shitty way to do a plot as it almost ensures how unsatisfying the conclusion will be when you can easily guess what happens in the story.

So anyway, Simon’s character is actually hilarious and is probably one of the few saving graces of this entire game. Nevermind the fact that he looks like some roided up Scottish drunkard that the Castlevania fans grow moist over just because it reminds them of the Barbarian look of the pre-SOTN games. But he’s funny, so that helps.

It starts off pretty decently with a good majority of this campaign being nothing but straight up action. Even has a few subweapons which are useless. Considering that subweapons barely even work against most enemies combined with the range of the whip being the size of an anaconda. Instead, you’re more dependent on 2 magic thingy’s called spirits. You have the Spirit of Belnades which grants you invincibility (also known as “cute shit 1”) as well as the Spirit of Schneider which attacks enemies that are close by (also known as “cute shit 2”).

Early on, however, you find out how nonsensical the game is about it’s inventory spoiler. There are these red glowing hook points that indicate you latch onto them with your whip… if you had the right one. You need the Combat Cross to even use the points. So ok, w/e, just move on. You won’t get the damn cross until halfway through the campaign either way. Despite that, you will start finding a million of those red points taunting you as you make your way through the damn castle. By the time you find the cross, you’ll be sick to death of them. They’re all over the goddamn place! Hook points! WE HAVE HOOK POINTS FOR DAYZ!

So after a while, you get to the “Toy Maker’s domain”, a character that never really appears in this game…  at all. He appears in LOS2, but is a minor character. Nice job Mercury Steaming Pile, you have this whole area building up this fat mother fucker like he all important and shit… anywho, here, you actually get trapped fighting puppets. The goal? Kill all puppets? Actually no, you just have to wait it out until the trap is opened again. Sucks for you. After the trap is… untrapped, you get a nice little cutscene showing Alucard running away, and Simon getting pissed off again. Can’t blame him, the whole event was stupid.

Then we FINALLY get the Combat Cross after miles and miles of *yoink* YOU BITCH! Instead, some necromancer snatches it from Simon’s hands and now you have to fight for it. Tedious boss fight but w/e, we NOW finally have the Combat Cross! And all the Red points become blue points to signify yadda yadda good, now I can climb some shit. I forgot to mention, climbing in this game suuuuuucks. It’s slow, controls like piss, and trying to make the Scottish bastard jump from wall to wall is grating as he has a delay before he can make the leap. Rage is sure to follow if you’ve got steam vents to watch out for. Oh and make sure you really “look before you leap”, because MS went into the psycho “realism” bullshit that now a Belmont can’t jump from a certain height without dying. I died more times from this bullshit because a lot of this game involves leaps of faith (thank you shit camera) because even looking doesn’t give you much info on your surroundings. How the fuck did you replicate all the problems of 3D adventure games… in a 2D game?!

Anyway, after that fuckery, you come to some merry go round filled with heads. Once again, you get trapped behind laser walls and the merry go heads keep spinning around. So now you have an endurance test. And this one was hell. See, you can’t even duck in this game so you have to jump over everything. And these controls are are not suitable for a game like this. You have to really time these jumps due to poor responses, and this goes on for a good 2 minutes or so, combined with the fact that the ride reverses itself, and the laser beams on the walls, floor moving, they really didn’t think of making better controls for these challenges all the while promoting their fucking “Mercury Engine” as you boot up the game. And you’re reward is another lame cutscene.

You know, if I actually gave a damn about these characters, this wouldn’t seem so obnoxious, because you easily figure out that Alucard was in the background saving your sorry ass and that he’s really your father in the form of a vampire, there’s not much to care about. I mean, you just sat here and wasted my damn time on this merry go round for the sake of a story, you’d think they would make it much more enjoyable.

But shortly after that (and I mean shortly), you get up to Dracula’s throne room… but he isn’t there. Instead, you’re in some arabian palace with a flower in the center, and on top of it is bewbs.

Mmmm, demonic bitches.

Of course, knowing Castlevania, that thing was definitely a Succubus in what happens to be a boss fight. I’ll say one thing, the boss fights are least fun in this mug. So after beating her ass, you get to face off against the big D man himself!

After all these years, I thought to myself “FINALLY! A remixed battle between Simon Belmont and Count Dracula once again!” Dis gon B Guud!

NOT! Instead of that, the party is interrupted by Alucard… and this chapter ends.


Yeah, really. No fight, it’s literally the end of Act 1… and the beginning of when this game starts to REALLY blow chunks.

Act 2 puts you in control of fangirl favorite, Alucard.

Vampire Fabio. Come and get it ladies!

He sits around complaining about how it wasn’t supposed to be like this or w/e, but proceeds with a makeshift combat cross to take revenge… only to go outside and get his ass whooped by a spider lion.

My, what sparkling whites you have!

So, you have a boss fight you’re not allowed to win, and you’re thrown off a bridge into the water. Oh look, you can breathe under water (note: Simon and Trevor can’t, which makes for some obligatory swimming challenges.) If only I had my trusty Belnades soul. Oh yeah, forgot to mention, you lose fucking everything… except your 2nd combat cross… since you transition to a brand new character (save the “no shit” retorts), but why give me a combat cross if you’re gonna wipe my inventory?

Can’t touch this, I’m gorgeous!

So, you have chapter resets in your abilities. And basically you start off fresh. Anywho, Alucard’s story suuuuuuuuucks. Wanna know why? Less action. Alucard is more about puzzles. Along with that, the boss fights become less fun as you spend more time multi-tasking around specific boss patterns rather than whacking the shit out of em. One boss fight has you using some magnetic rail system to leap over laser beams while trying to destroy machines that keep healing the big bastard. Probably wouldn’t be so irritated if that guy wasn’t so cheap.

Totally not Cornell from LOD

Alucard’s new abilities contain a wolf form that is only good for opening doors (complete with a quick time event so you feel like the wolf form is of some awesome importance. He also has a mist form which is a better dodging move that unfortunately uses up MP just so you can’t abuse it, the fuckers. There’s also a bat projectile that really… REALLY sucks, and a stopwatch that is ultimately worthless aside from one platform puzzle. Alucard is gimped in all combat abilities aside from the combat cross, it’s a wonder he can even fight.


But most of your time is spent solving puzzles, 2 of which involve saving Simon’s hairy ass. These devices are very complex(and easy) in that you have to usually guide laser lights to their proper end points, or burn some ropes with some asinine contraption (And no, you have no fire powers either). It’s funny how when it comes time to save Simon the second time, Alucard sighs like “this fool in trouble again”. It’s like the developers were trying to patronize you by saying “yeah, we know doing another puzzle sucks, so lets make the character agree with the players!”.

Sorry kids, But deez… are… the breaks!

After one of the most tedious portions of any game, you FINALLY get to have your precious fight against Dracula. By teaming up with Simon Belmont! This… COULD’VE been a fun fight, but then MS put some gay shit in here where Simon gets mind controlled and sicks Simon on you, basically a trick since Simon is Alucard’s son, what happens is that if you try to attack… at all, Alucard will instead sit there and say random shit like “I don’t want to fight you! No!”.

I….. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The game turned my character into a punk bitch! He cries like the pussy he is if you press any attack button. Instead, you’re supposed to counter a good 3 to 5 of his attacks just to snap him out of it, then you go back to fighting Dracula. And Simon fights like a bitch, he can’t get close to Drac without being knocked on his ass. GREAT JOB OF PROVING WHY YOU’RE THE MOST FAMOUS BELMONT, DIP SHIT! So I just used him as bait to distract Drac. Whipped his ass into submission.

So after the most anti-climatic boss fight in Castlevania history (Beat the Sorrow series in those departments), we get a scene where Alucard places his and on Simon’s cheek in the most incestuously homo way imaginable, and they stare into each other’s eyes uncomfortably, and Alucard leaves.

Dad sucks!

So onward to Act 3. This time you play Alucard’s other half, Trevor Belmont, the father of Simon, years before the first 2 acts took place. This one, while not as horrendous as Alucard’s story, is also quite lame. This time, you perform “cinematic action sequences” and fetch quests. One very notable one is where you have to find dead bodies containing answers to a particular puzzle you have to solve before moving one. Wow, combining 2 of my most hated segments in any game. Not to mention having to scale a giant vertical tower where making one wrong jump can kill you, so basically the game is testing your patience with shitty controls.

I also spotted something iffy. Alucard needed to earn the ability of double jumping… but Trevor has it right off the back. It couldn’t be old age, Vampires don’t age. Ah, w/e. Trevor’s abilities now contain light and dark magic, similar to the Spirits that Simon uses. They’re mostly used for opening specific doors and not really for combat purposes. You also get an upgrade for te Combat Cross which allows you to… basically do the same thing as Alucard’s wolf form. So basically, here you just get new equipment for the same reasons Link does in Zelda games, just to get around. It’s kinda sad. It’s stupid shit like this that makes the excitement of getting new equipment… not exciting because you know you’re going to be doing a lot of backtracking just to get through those areas that you couldn’t get through the first time because you didn’t have so and so tool at the time, no wonder Zelda and Metroid sell like ass without good graphics.

Anywho, after a while of “cinematic boss fights” filled with QTE’s, you come to a big area where you climb, jump, climb some more, and jump some more until you get to a point where the final door cannot open until… you leave the entire area and go through the whole castle again to look for 2 balls.

MS is a troll developer, you think you’re going somewhere, but then you’re sent on a goddamn goose chase! Man, who knew Dracula loved elevators? There’s so many here. Something’s wrong. This series is supposed to take place in the 11th century, where did these elevators come from!?

Praise Amma for teleporters or this segment would’ve driven me batshit. These items are spread so far, mang. You’d think you were playing Mother Goose or some shit.

So after screwing around with looking for nutz, you finally get to fight Dracula… again. Now… this fight is supposed to be “harder” than before because you no longer have live bait but honestly, this fight was just as piss easy as the last. When you get him down to a sliver of health, you go into cinematic bullshit mode with more QTE’s. But it looks epic, you got Trevor and Dracula flying through the air like some DBZ shit. BUT…

Problem, Trevor?

Yeah yeah, I know, it had to happen to explain why Trevor became Alucard, but damn if it isn’t unsatisfying. A final boss fight where you are made to lose.

Trying to summarize this game is more difficult because a lot of it’s material is easily forgettable, and I don’t know who would want to play through a second time for any reason, it’s a one and done deal. There’s also a secrent ending for 100% completion, but it’s only a shot of Simon looking at the Castle crumbling as a sort of “easter egg/cute shit” throwback to the regular endings of……. ALL Castlevania games, really. It’s cheap, it’s unrewarding, and shows that Mecury Steam looks at Nostalgia in a completely superficial context. Dracula recites a line from SOTN for no goddamn reason… TWICE in this series. It comes off as cheap and uninspired.

A lot of this game feels nothing like Castlevania, but they think that by throwing in a few little “nods” (w/e the fuck a nod is supposed to mean to me or any other stupid ass Castlevania fan), they can appease the fans of the series? Piece of shit! This is not Castlevania, and I don’t care how much cute shit you toss into it, it will never be Castlevania.

I don’t get this idiocy with developers who completely revamp a series without consent of the fans and have all the fucking gall to move in and convince people that this is the shit they know and love. Gabriel’s armor being red as a reference to Simon’s red armor from CV2, are you on the yak!? And people actually bought that excuse. You’re not gonna look at Gabriel Belmont and think Castlevania 2! Nobody likes Castlevania 2 to give a shit about some 2 bit easter egg that no one would get.

To calm myself down from rage, I found Lament of Innocence over PSN, DL’d it…. THIS GAME WAS THE SHIT! This is REAL Castlevania! You got REAL boss fights that consist of merely whacking the fuckers and dodging their attacks, not doing some contrived “multitasking strategy” bullshit like “counter attacks 3 times to get to the next part” or any dingy involving QTEs. Sure, there’s a few fetch quests and back tracking, but I’ll take anyone’s bullshit over Konami’s new “revisionary series”.

I’ve been playing Castlevania games up the arse. From Bloodlines to SOTN, all the GBA/DS games, it’s real sad how fucked this series got after Harmony of Dissonence. It turned into animu creampuff BS along with having a Pachinko game with titties.

And then we get to overcompensation with some “me too” God of War crap about a guy who cries about his dead wife but has a plan to resurrect her body before she starts to smell. Then it turns into some goth hot topic “underworld” looking shit for the sequel with so much over the top cinematics and more injected testosterone (Satan got roided up), all of it gets overshadowed by Dracula having family issues.


Turning Castlevania into a game about religion, and then into some retarded shit about New World Order in some last minute attempt to one up Ninja Theory’s fuck up with Devil May Cry. Why? Apparently the director had his head so far up his ass according to his “underlings”.

Alright, everyone who complained about Konami. I concede. Fuck Konami. For destroying the ONLY shit I cared about from them… and maybe ruining Metal Gear, idk, I don’t play that shit outside of Rising. IGA was the man. Yeah he cocked up with DOS, POR, and HD, but he knew how to make a competent game (most of the time). So chock full of secrets that you desperately wanted to dig deeper into. Not to mention making it so combat wasn’t a chore like the stiff controlling NES games. MS goes right back to stiff ass controls for this piece of shit. And all with the Thumb tac, no less!

But, they say this is it for the crappy LOS series, so I don’t know what Castlevania will be like in the future. Maybe they’ll kill it off and continue whoring out Metal Gear for all it’s milk.


Ok, after Aonuma’s blah blah, here’s a cool segment where Link has some bow and arrow shit. But man, why keep using cel-shading!?

I don’t get this desire to turn Zelda into a cartoon, it’s like this whole industry is going nuts for Cartoons these days. Pacman, Sonic, and especially Nintendo.

They spend all this time talking about it’s open world status, i’m like “does it have the ass kicking?”. The spider/octorok fight looked cool, but this cartoon shit needs to be dropped.


I was havin a conversation the other day… with some asshole… on what the worst thing about today’s games is that is keeping people from enjoying them, starting off with Mario. Funny, he’s proclaimed himself to be a Nintendo fanboy but… can’t seem to understand why Mario is shit today. He’s played and praised just about every 3D Mario up until 3D World, which is odd considering that game tries to be a 3D NSMB game. It’s odd how Mario fans seem to hate the Mario games that don’t have bullshit in them. I tell him straight up that it’s because the game’s main objectives stem from needing to fetch shit. I think Mack pointed it out in an earlier post about Extrinsic motivation.

Modern games are all about extrinsic motivation, game’s main campaign mode = one big extrinsic motivator, extrinsic motivation –> long-term goals, everything you do in RPGs and collectathons ultimately serve to progress the campaign mode.

To translate, you become the game’s bitch. You do all this goofy shit just to progress. And ultimately, that’s what it comes down to where the game plays you and not the other way around.

In the case of 3D Mario, what is it that you are ultimately doing? Running around trying to find random macguffins to progress to the next world/hub to get to more worlds and repeat the process. These are very time consuming objectives, and by the end of the game, you’ll be exhausted from the game’s own stupidity and bore-ish activities to bother with a second playthrough.  The very nature of 3D Mario goes against natural progression.

Now, the odd thing is when I talk about fetch quests being a pain in the ass, I’ve not had one person disagree with me… until now. For some reason, he took offense to the notion. You know what this bitch said?

Does Pac Man suck then? After all, it’s  a fetch quest. You move around a board trying to collect dots.

….Now how many of ya’ll would sit there and think “he’s absolutely right”? A good portion, I would bet. Because Pac Man was pleasantly popular way back yander, this would give credence to the notion that “fetch quests are A-OK!” So of course, the normal response would be to say how different Pac Man is from 3D Mario games in terms of how you do this “collecting”, but this would make dumb fuck go on to say “then we change it to the way Pac Man does it”.

Instead, I asked him what he liked most about Pac Man. I asked if he enjoyed gobbling up dots.

His response is “I mean, that’s just what you gotta do to-”

“Naw dawg, do you like that aspect?”

“It’s just the thing you do-”

“Mother fucker, do you like it?”

“…..Naw man”

“Then what do you like about Pac Man?”

“I don’t really like Pac Man”

“What’s that mean? Do you like it or not?”


‘Then why do you think people like it?”

“…..I don’t know, it’s just-”

“Ok, you don’t know. Then how the hell do you figure that people would up and like fetch quests because Pac Man had it?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“But you implied it, foo!”

Anyway, I don’t even have to explain the differences between Pac Man and 3D Mario, it’s as clear as daylight. W/e the case is, yeah, there’s plenty of Arcade games that have bullshit in them. That’s why a good majority aren’t remembered fondly, you see. The question we should be asking is why games still have them. If we have fetch quests because of Pac Man of all shit, then all this talk about improving gameplay is hot air. Todays designers have made Pac Man’s gameplay WORSE, if that’s the case.

Why this person felt the need to justify the bullshit we have in games today by reaching back into history to grab up at least one example of this shit existing is beyond me. And so many people of this generation are so prone to doing this. Just because a previous game had something… doesn’t make it good! Sonic Adventure 1, Heroes, and Shadow the Hedgehog had characters talking to each other. That doesn’t automatically mean it’s a series staple that has to be revived for later installments, especially if you’re gonna make it many times worse!

Now they talk too fucking much! This is distracting and irritating, and is nothing like A4O. Nothing they say s even remotely funny or interesting, it makes them out to be a bunch of college douche bags. Shit, I was right when I said the characters are co-opting actual interaction with you and someone else, thereby making it less fun for everyone else.

Aside from that, Zelda games had puzzles since Zelda 3 on the SNES. Doesn’t mean people like or want them back. Just because old shit had vices doesn’t mean it’s ok for new games to have them. And for the record, Pac Man wasn’t a fetch quest in terms of how 3D Mario and all other shit like it does it. But apparently, that won’t stop people from using it as an example.

But see, that’s the thing. He was so busy trying to be a smart ass, he glossed over why Pac Man was crack, man. And he didn’t know at all. Our generation today has a hard time explaining why old shit was popular because our tastes is supposedly different from the generation previously, and because everyone is a graphic’s whore. People today just get offended by shit for no reason. No one has fun doing fetch quests! But beyond all reason, he seemed to think it was important to 3D Mario in some sort of way. How? I doubt he could explain. He just wanted to be a smart ass. People don’t usually react with statements like that unless they truly felt it was wrong in some way. He even admits that he doesn’t like most platformers that have the same damn format as 3D Mario, so there’s no way in the jaws of ammut that he could love fetch quests. But because “Pac Man supposedly had them”, it’s ok for current day platformers to have them because Pac Man was popular.

History shouldn’t be a crutch to justify the vices of the modern world. It’s like when some boot lickin negroes would go around the bush spittin about how “Africans sold Africans into slavery”, a loaded statement if there ever was. Instead of forgiving the ancestors for their part like they forgave the white boys, since they obviously had no problem forgiving them, they choose to justify an atrocity.

Our generation has to be some of the dumbest mother fuckers in the world. I can see why Sonic Retro’s asshole is so tight, you’d need a jack hammer to squeeze a nickel through their butt cheeks. Stupid mother fuckers like this are so common. Their intent isn’t to have rational discussion, but to either learn for fucking argument, or to be funny. In the case of gaming, it’s like moths to a flame. It attracts some of the worst people ever known. Mainly because video games are such an unimportant aspect of people’s lives, there’s less chance of people taking shit personally. But damn if it ain’t irritating.

Seriously, Pac Man? I actually played Super Pac Man, Pac and Pal.. damn, Namco actually fucked them up, going on dumb ass’s logic and making the “fetch parts” more un fun than usual. You have to actually find keys to open up fruit gates and stuffs, they made it tedious as hell. People like cleverly navigating the mazes to avoid ghosts and doing cheesy cool shit like waiting for them to get lose before eating a super pellet. The act of eating pellets is just what people do to complete  stage, what makes it exciting are those asshole ghosts. 3D Mario, you’re just doing goofy bullshit to collect your prizes one at a time. And it’s not like the pellets at all, this shit is spread out through so many worlds and you need a certain number of them to progress!? And the numbers get bigger as you progress. Pac Man is a set maze, the objective is the same. What changes? The intensity of the danger. Those ghosts get smart reaaaaaaaal fast.

I mean… how the fuck do you compare Pac Man to 3D Mario based on an objective? It’s like the dumbass that tried to say Sonic Riders was a Mario Kart ripoff because the Speed/Fly/Power typings were similar to weight classes. Fucking Nintards, man.

This is probably the only good design they have… and it’s a completely new character, of course.

Bout time E3 got here.

Siliconera (and every other gaming site) asks very dumb questions to the team who’s heads are clearly up their own asses. Pay close attention to everything said. The idiocy will be very clear.

What was the biggest takeaway you got from fans after Sonic Boom was announced?

Bob Rafei, CEO of Big Red Button: That’s easy. What a strong fanbase and a vocal fanbase this franchise has.

The most important feedback was from Sega and Sonic Team. This is something they are exploring in terms of a different approach for Sonic. That was the most important guidance to us.

In terms of your first question, having that strong reaction to me validates we were on the right track. The majority of it was strong and positive so we know we are hitting the right chord. Also from my personal perspective is if we didn’t foster such a strong reaction we wouldn’t be giving Sega their run for their money by having us really explore a different approach with the franchise. We ultimately believe we are on the right track and we are happy and comfortable with the direction that Sonic Boom is going in.

In the word’s of evil Clank: What a load of bulls

Where this positive reception came from, I’ll never know. Considering people are on a “shaky optimism” phase in which they want to make believe the character designs don’t even matter and lie to themselves about the “importance of gameplay”. What he’s really done was make Sonic fans uncomfortable with the changes. So far, the only people who are pleased with it are the dregs of Stadium. And I’ll be damned if they represent me.

Secondly, if feedback from Sonic Team was important, why didn’t Rafei take into account that even THEY were uncomfortable with the designs? And giving them a run for their money means you’ve “defeated Sega” somehow. Perhaps manipulating them to accept shitty character designs for the sake of selling toys is what he’s referring to?

And if that is the case, then Amma help us.

Lastly, Rafei’s claims of being happy with the product is just that. His ego. Everyone always believes they are on the right track with their decisions (especially the creative types). That means jack shit in the long run.

What part of Sonic Boom surprised Sonic Team the most when you showed it to them?

I would say combat. That was a bit of a head scratcher for Sonic Team, but the more they saw what we were doing the more they helped us hone it. We knew it had to have speed elements because it is a Sonic game. That sense of exploration is going back to a Sonic Adventure feel.

[Feedback from Sonic Team] was really in terms of balancing and tuning. Part of the mission mandate at Big Red Button was to expand on Sonic. I would say that is something we brought to the table and Sega really digested and agreed it was a good approach.

I’d have to be really confused. Didn’t they make the fucking Werehog back in 08? By the looks of Boom, it seems to be “Sonic Unleashed done right”. You have the speed sections, then you have the slog fest of combat and “EXPLORATION” which will no doubt be centered on fetch quests and puzzles. It wasn’t Sonic Adventure then, it won’t be now.

Besides that, all people liked about the adventure games were the speed stages and story (AND CHAO!). No one liked the parts where they had to WORK. The working portions are considered the Adventure game’s biggest vice, so bringing those elements back and refining them for w/e reason serves no fucking purpose.

Again, think about why Colors had (short lived) positive reception for the first 2 months. They took what people liked… and improved upon it. just because people want more Adventure games doesn’t mean they want the bullshit that came with them. If they do, then Amma help us.

Sonic is an interesting series since there are kids that grew up with 2D Sonic and there are kids that grew up with and prefer 3D Sonic. And now, there are going to be kids that will grow up with Sonic Boom. There are three different kinds of games with one starring character. When you look at your style in Sonic Boom what are the tenets of this kind of Sonic game?

Siliconera’s question seems loaded. We’ve heard a million times that Boom is not a reboot, yet there’s all these friggin implications of the exact opposite. Rafei not bothering to correct the interviewer on the matter is telling. Or perhaps BRB is so cocksure of themselves that Sonic Boom is “the shit” that it might as well be a reboot.

Primarily, it is a character action exploration. It’s an epic adventure story. It’s all about exploration. We introduced combat in a way that is kind of new to the franchise so it was very important that we do that right because it is such a different approach. And certainly speed is part of the equation. The speed component for us is tapping into joyous movement, the sense of rollercoaster and exhilaration of movement.

I dare not use the G-word, but this fool is pushin it with this joyous movement nonsense. What, did he look at Sonic Generations and see the “trick sections” as Joyous or something?

Combat emphasis is NOTHING new to the series. We’ve had 2 fighting games for pete’s sake. And then Sonic Heroes, which is really the precursor to bad Sonic combat anyway. And again, werehog. The only difference is that both players have to “work together” to take down one or 2 enemies, but the basic ideas are the same from Heroes.

In terms of the main project pillar, it was cooperative play. We wanted to have an experience where friends and family sit down on a couch and are able to play the game together. That kind of relationship people will bring to it, we wanted to have the characters display that in their banter. Personality was another big important part of it, in terms of how the characters emote and how it reflects into the mechanics as well.

…..Dat’s ga-… oh, had to stop myself there.

I don’t really care about character banter as Sonic games have had this for years. I can’t help but feel it will be just as soulless and unfunny, but it’s definitely not new territory.

What puzzles me is his desire to reflect “family and friend time” in character banter. Maybe this is where people who can’t get enough of their own shit smell start saying illogical things, but isn’t the relationship that people “bring to a game”… supposed to be special to themselves and not be co-opted by video game characters?

Eh, it was fine in A4O, but mostly because it was funny. I don’t think that same kind of comedy will be present in Boom.

For example, Sonic is all about speed. His navigation and combat are centered around fast rapid movements. Knuckles is a big bruiser, he’s a power character. Tails is the inventor on the team and Amy has agility. She has a triple jump. Knuckles has burrow and wall climbing. Tails has a buddy bot, which he can release onto enemies or unlock gates for him. That kind of characteristic that comes out in their persona also come out in how they speak to each other in the story. These guys known each other for a long time that means we can have some fun since they don’t always agree with each other.

Translation: No one but Amy has gotten any real improvements. Infact, we’ll just make Tails a friggin bore.

How much you wanna bet Tails will be for “expert players” because he has to use ranged attacks and status attacks to do more than tickle his enemies? My word, I’ve bitched more about Tails than I have with Knuckles!

Is it hard to do joyous movement in 3D space compared to the 2D Sonic games where Sonic had one less plane to worry about?

Oh lawd, I don’t even know what Joyous Movement is, and they’re going on about it like it’s been in the series since the “good ol’ days.” As far as I can guess. Joyous Movement would be like dancing.

…….Wait. Sonic has breakdance moves… and Amy is “graceful” like a Ballerina… and the main villain is called “Lyric”. Is the theme of this game some sort of musical? Synergy and all?

I think Sonic Boom has found a good formula for that. We tried to make a subtle variation by having lane changing and the obstacle course. There are a lot of different paths too. Classic Sonic has the main path and for the more skilled players you can access the higher levels. That is also something we wanted to tap into as well.

What the hell? Finding a different route didn’t take “skill”. It took curiosity and a little bit of velocity. Skill to find a different path is in bullshit like Sonic Unleashed where you had these “one in a lifetime” jumps and/or sections where you had to quickly access before you passed the one only device that would propel you into those areas. For shit like Sonic 2? You take shit slow and find other ways around. No more skill than merely diverting away from the original course.

Has this guy ever played a Sonic game before Adventure!?

In terms of navigating in 3D space, yeah it is more difficult because spatially you have to understand what is happening. That’s the challenge of any driving game has or flying game has. That is something we were also very aware of when we developing the course in Sonic Boom.

How did you solve the problem?

It’s the progression of challenge and that’s through introduction and mastery of a mechanic.

Iz diz fool srs?

Iz dis fool srs?

If lane changing is anything like we saw in the video where Sonic and friends are merely “sidestepping” to avoid obstacles, there isn’t much of an issue. I don’t see how “lane changing” could be done otherwise, unless they have some psychotic new mechanic that takes advantage of the crap pad.

Sonic is known for having an attitude and in the old cartoons he made a lot of one liner wisecracks. When you were writing the story, what are some of the jokes and catchphrases he has in Sonic Boom?

…..That might be a stupid question. 😛

There are so many. We wanted to find a balance between making the character appealing and not being so repetitive by saying the same one liners.

Oh, so they hate PontaGraf’s writing too?

What we love about his personality is we wanted to build on his attitude of rushing into action sometimes without thinking about it. Tails, a lot of times, is telling him, “We got to check this out” or the other team members will say, “I don’t know if we need to go there.” That’s the fun aspect of having Sonic rush into action and then have to backtrack to see if he got into trouble or not. That plays a big part in the story which will we reveal more at E3.

I’ll ignore the bad syntax in the first portion, but why would we want more of Lost Mind’s crappy narrative? Honestly…

What about Amy? It seems like she’s changed the most.

We wanted to have a strong, able-bodied female character. We didn’t want her to be fawning after Sonic. The goal was to have her be appealing on her own. She is very agile, she is very acrobatic, and very graceful. She’s the only character, from a pure mechanics perspective, that has a triple jump. There are some places that only she can get to.

TOO LATE! Amy has had loads of screen time devoted to not fawning over Sonic. While not recently considering the pandering to retards for “SAWNIC ONLY”, but if Adventure 1+2, Heroes, Battle, Zero Gravity and the like, she actually shows a girl with a back bone. And she STILL sucks!

I like how they assume we’ll up and like the character because she’s not fawning over Sonic. That wasn’t her problem. She was a generally irritating character, very pushy, and seems to solve all of her problems through aggression. You know, the thing people accused KNUCKLES of freely even though it’s a light threat. Not to mention she acts like a complete valley girl half the time.

Amy isn’t unappealing because she wanted Sonic to get in her skirt, she’s just a complete bitch. Think Misty as a Fairy Pokemon with a hammer. On second thought, don’t. People actually LIKE Misty for no other reason than the episode where she dressed up like a mermaid.

And wow! A triple jump! Certainly it will propel to me to places that Tails couldn’t traverse! >_>

And Knuckles?

He’s the most fun character to write for because he’s a little slow on the uptake. A lot of times, the things he is saying tend to be funny because he is trying to process what is happening. He’s our go to guy for the punch line and I think the show does that as well.

Yep! He’s more retarded in this series folks. “We can’t have this filthy ni- have any redeeming qualities beyond physique and comedy relief!”

In collaboration with the TV writers, we wanted to have a consistent approach with their personalities and the show really plays up on that.

It’s supposed to. It’s a fucking prequel after all. We live in an age where characters don’t arbitrarily change their persona’s between films without character development. Wouldn’t want to have any fuck ups like you did with Jak.

How does Eggman fit into this since Sonic Boom has a new main villain?

We wanted him to pass down the torch in terms of introducing a new villain. That’s a very fun dynamic that was very cool to create, these two guys have an uneasy partnership and we’ll be talking about that more at E3.

It’s not at all fun. If you’re not gonna have Robotnik as the main villain, don’t lump him into the games out of obligation. Since all you’re going to do is turn him into a clown, it would be more of a disservice. Hell, we had a robot pirate in Rush Adventure, I don’t recall buttnik being a relevant. Hell, we had Black Doom and Mephiles, and Mephelis wasn’t even needed as Robotnik was treated as a threat.

Damn, looking at this, all Sonic characters got derailed after Heroes. Robotnik is the Team Rocket of Sonic games these days.

We will still see a decent amount of Eggman in the game?

Oh yeah, absolutely. We wanted to tap into the best parts of canon and build on top of that. Eggman is in the game and there is a boss round with him here. Part of the narrative arc is being stronger with friends, which is what are team represents and that kind of discord the antagonist team goes through. They can ultimately never be able to work together, so that becomes their undoing. Versus the team, which learns to mesh together and use their individual skills to their best advantage.

For a company that wants to “surprise” people, Rafei has no idea that he spoiled the plot just now. Great, I have zero reason to invest any interest in the game unless this is a carefully worded lie.

It seems like there are more collectables in Sonic Boom like all of those robot parts in the demo.

Because we chose to do a character adventure, part of the genre is the ability to explore and to find these rare items. That’s where that comes from, to be true to the genre blending, taking those parts of Sonic that we love and putting a twist on it by giving it a classic character adventure feel. You go to the hubs, you meet NPCs, there are unlockables there, there are missions that they give you. There are home improvement missions you’ll see at the hubs and those are satisfied by collecting robot parts.

Damn, he just listed everything I hated about modern gaming. And HOME IMPROVEMENT MISSIONS!? Fuck right off with that mess!

Rafei is honestly convinced that he’s doing something ground breaking with Sonic Doom, when all he’s done was take the elements that people HATED about the modern games and is multiplying them by six.

The one thing that really needs to be abolished from games are the concepts of hub/overworlds unless it is strictly an RPG. They serve zero purpose beyond sluggish transitions between levels. There is usually nothing to do besides shoddy minigames that no one will like, and for Sonic, missions have never benefited the series. These are things that people do not want in Sonic games. Amma knows I’m tired of these goddamn fetch quests.

And what the fuck does “character adventure” mean? What’s the point of an adventure if there isn’t a character to partake in it? I make up my own terms in this blog, but at least I define them so the readers who haven’t been turned off by now would know half the shit I’m talkin about. Joyous movement still makes no goddamn sense.

Between this and that turd piece 3DS version, I don’t know what’s worse. We have a development team who has displayed their arrogance in the face of criticism (don’t bash without playing!), and picking and choosing what type of fan reactions to showcase, as well as going on to say that w/e their employer’s want is more important than what the fans want when Sega couldn’t give two fucks about this series to NOT outsource the damn series to people that clearly have no idea what the hell they’re doing, rather than the people who still clinges to the hope of seeing this series not get raped any further. All the design mistakes that have plagued this series and many other platformers are all here, “introduced” as though they’re completely new ideas that Sega hasn’t tried and failed to profit from.

You know what’s worse? Ed Boon talking about wanting to make a “cinematic” fighting game out of Mortal Kombat X! W/e the fuck that means, I fear for the worst! Injustice was cinematic enough, and it’s shit! Eh, I’ll wait for more info on that one. Why is Scorpion always kicking Sub Zero’s ass?

You know, over time, when you get older you start to realize that most games you enjoyed in your youth aren’t all they’re really cracked up to be. Infact, you’d think you were brain dead retarded when you first loved them. I know the feeling from countless N64 games (Don’t know what I saw in Space Station Silicon Valley).

Often times, for the sake of being “brutally honest” (a euphemism for “controversy baiting”), several reviewers, bloggers, and even journalists will outright attack what is deemed a “sacred cow” in the hardcore world. Xplay went out on a limb and said FF7 sucked just to generate hate mail. Square tards used to be that easy to rile up back then. Unfortunately, you never see anyone rip any of these games to shreds. These are games that are damn near immune to criticism but could be some of the biggest pieces of shit to grace a gaming device.

Lets be frank here, I love Treasure Inc. They’ve made some of the best action games in the history of action gamedom, from Alien Soldier to Mischief Makers and even Sin and Punishment 2 on the Wii. Hell, even Bangai-O has it’s moments. But when it came to the GBA, their output equated to an inert brick. If you’re not a fan of slowdown, the GBA was not the portable to own, but those problems seemed quadrupled when Treasure is around. Or more specifically when they’re being jerked around by the assholes at SegaSammy. Here’s an idea folks, how about not making a game that looks too damn blurry to see!

I’ve hated games that scrolled the screen too fast for you to notice any nearby enemies and while GSH isn’t that bad about it, combined with muddy ass sprites and enemies that blend a little too well with the scenery (even without matching colors!) becomes a piece of fecal matter and a peanut. A pain in my ass. But lets not forget about the combat, the one element that was supposedly improved in this sequel where your character is given melee attacks that feel more tacked on than they feel practical. While you’re flying around the room showing off your wire fu, enemies are free to fire away with their guns and turrets knocking you on your chaps, crying for relief along the way.

But don’t worry. Combat is still relatively fun… when you’re actually in combat. The jackoffs at SegaSammy had a sip of Nintendo’s vanity juice and decided to cram in several of their unmemorable arcade games. After Burner only works when you’re able to move your game character, Sega! Not just rotating the screen to avoid 2-dimensional missiles that make depth perception impossible to discern. When you’re not doing that, you have little chickens to find in a disorientating forest that for some goddamn reason ROTATES when you move! Not only is this a fetch quest, it’s a spinning labyrinth that you get lost in even though it’s tiny! And how many people actually enjoyed Flicky!? It was a crappy arcade game that Sega seems to adore, they shoved it into so many unnecessary games like Sonic 3D Blast and Mega Collection. Here’s, it’s a much greater pain in the ass when you’ve got enemies who can knock your collection of future KFC prey back onto the map and then you’re back to finding them all over again. FUN RIGHT!? Ah, but then there’s a top down version of Sega’s “Thunder…. name I can’t remember”. Here, you’re in a chopper dealing with walls and tiny ass enemies and bullets you have no real means of avoiding. This segment is a glorified endurance test. It’s slow, it’s very tedious, and takes up more time than the whole level itself.

For a game that’s listed as a “run and gun” game, you spend more time NOT running and is instead chained to some arbitrary minigame shitfest like the board game that should never have returned from the original game! Here’s a nice concept, if you’re at the finish line and you roll a number bigger than the amount of spaces you need, you go to a garbage dump! What do you here? You play Mr. Driller with a Desert Eagle. You fail, you die and start over. You succeed? You… start the fuck over anyway. What a genius idea! Create a minigame based around CHANCE… and create a reward and punishment based on events that are completely out of control! Hey Capcom, tired of leaps forward in fun factor for Devil May Cry 4!? Well get ready to take a step back to the world of Gunstar for ideas in how to piss off your fans!

That’s all this game is. 30% run and gun, 70% w/e bullshit these bastards have in store for you! Good thing it’s short! Right? RIGHT!?

What a fucking pile! I’ve been a staunch detractor of the “puzzle platformer fetch quest” fad that successfully died around 2003, but for good reason, Banjo Kazooie sticks out like a sore thumb. Mainly because I got a video copy of this game’s trailer in the mail that spelled out all the nuances of this nonsense. Most shit stain platformers at least came with decent attacks that didn’t feel awkward in 3D. Even Mario Sunshine has better combat! You know how we evolve Mario 64’s combat system? How about we give these characters a shit load of moves that eat away at their supplies!? A platforming game with the micromanagement BS we’ve dealt with from games like Resident Evil and every RPG in existence! You need red feathers just to fly and do crazy shit, gold feathers to make you invincible, eggs just to use your one and only useful attack in the game, shooting and shitting at enemies!

9 of the most uninspired worlds in the history of gaming. You get some random mountainside, a beach, a sewer, a swamp, a snow place, a desert, a haunted house, a ship harbor, and a forest that became the inspiration for Zelda Oracle of Seasons. At the same time, at least most other platformers had sensible explanations for how characters could travel to different worlds. Mario 64 had magical paintings, Vexx had portals, Jak and Daxter is really just one big open world island. Gruntilda’s mountain just has… caves and pipes. All of which you had to piece together several puzzle pieces just to fucking access! Great, so when I get said number of puzzle pieces, I now have access to the next world… no I don’t! Unfortunately, there’s this arbitrary door in my way that says I need a large ass number of music notes just to progress! Holy shit, 2 SEPARATE MACGUFFINS TO LOOK FOR! Double the fetch quest obviously means double the fun! What a bunch of dicks, you require 2 separate sets of items to progress through the game. Collecting puzzle pieces just wasn’t enough for these sadistic bastards, now I have another relic bundle to keep track of while I revisit the same locations over and over just to find shit.

And what is all of this for!? To save Banjo’s little sister? Why was she captured!? Because this wicked witch needs tootie’s beauty to not look ugly as hell. I’m sorry, this girl is like… 7 years old at best, w/e beauty she has, it hasn’t bloomed an inch. At least Crash Bandicoot’s sister had jail bait status. And even after you save the tramp after a torture test of a board game, the game still isn’t over. No! You have to find even more puzzle pieces just to fight the final boss herself in what can be explained as my entire reasoning behind why multi-part boss fights suck ass these days. There’s like 5 friggin parts to this whole fight!

Banjo Kazooie has always been undeserving of it’s praise and only seemed to gain it because  western 3D platformers were immensely popular for simply being in 3 fucking D! The late 90s was the industry glorifying western platformers as if to claim some sort of triumph in carving a niche of fans that stuck around in a much shorter time than Mega Man’s relevancy. There’s a reason why barely anyone recalls the late 90s 3D platformer saturation, and Banjo’s utter stupidity is proof fucking positive.

3D Platformers are nothing more than glorified Adventure games with an emphasis on exploration to find crap rather than actual challenge. Unfortunately, the western industry is so in love with the adventure genre, they renamed it “Triple A” just to hype that piece of shit genre up.

Of all the rage I spent pissing away on “Into the Nexus”, I’m actually quite glad that my first entries were a bad spinoff and Tools of Destruction. If I had played the first game… first, then I’d never come back to the series. If I played 2 afterward, I would treat Ratchet and Clank the same way I treat Jak and Daxter. Going Commando couldn’t possibly get away with “most tedious Ratchet game in existence” as All 4 One still exists, but going so far as to consider how massively underpowered you will feel through out the course of the game is a start. Damage scaling and ammo starvation create a sense of non-badassery as you find yourself NOT engaging against enemy hostiles and spending more time scavenging for supplies. No matter how many times I upgrade my weapons, they are still no match for the thugs4less enemies that seem more overpowered than the spiders in Devil May Cry.

Why did the first 2 Ratchet games make you afraid of engaging enemies? Especially since the sequel boasted about it’s improved combat system, we didn’t see any actual improvements until the best game in the series, Up Your Arsenal. What you get are weapons that feel like they can do something which seems to only piss off your enemies, and improved controls which is most appreciated (oy, did I just use the “A” word!?). When the game isn’t busy not being shit, it gives you enemies that will completely decimate you with reckless abandon. How fucked is your life when you’re staring down a bridge filled with nigh-impervious tanks? You have lots of ammo deposits emptied where by you have to buy more ammo later on because good luck finding that shit in the wild. Insomniac couldn’t seem to remove the bullet sponge effect as damage scaling in this game was unbalanced. When you have only 2 weapons that are truly useful for anything in the later half the game, you know it’s fucked. At least when the game allows you to use your weapons. There’s one boss fight in the city in which you have to run around and find turrets just to kill a giant robot boss whom you can only seem to tickle. This fight literally took me 20 minutes because I CAN’T UPGRADE RANDOM FUCKING TURRETS!

Ah, but there’s the plot. The first game was compelling enough to see Ratchet and Clank work out their differences to stop a corporate wanker who schemed to destroy the planets of POOR people in order to funnel more money into his bank account. How do you beat that? Why… by making smirf looking Venonats as the game’s new bunches of enemies! I’m wrapping my head around who in the green fuck thought this was a good plot! The only significant aspect of the game was Qwark’s asshattery, but beyond that, this was one game that everyone could skip. Play Up Your Arsenal after the first game, you would barely notice the details.

Say kids, you like execution complexity? Well get ready for a time when fighting game developers knew jack shit about accessibility like oh Idk CAPCOM, the same company that thought using 6 button inputs was a good idea. Of course, everyone would be able to get a handle on the control layout, but slap that shit into CPS2 and prepare for pain. Virtua Fighter players would blush at SFA3’s execution.

Why is it that more than half the roster of characters are practically unplayable? Could be because some of their worst moves are configured to 3 different button inputs? Shit like Guile’s somersault strike super is enough to make any grown man cry at his bleeding palms. What psychopath figured it was a good idea to configure a super motion to a charge DownBack motion, and then rapidly fire DownForward, DownBack, UpForward, Kick just to pull off a most unimpressive super attack that could’ve just been easily configured as a DownForward 2x motion? Apparently the crazy fucks at Capcom! These bastids have move executions that really aren’t befitting of the end result, and the charge times on some of these moves are often too long to be useful.

But that’s got nothing on the  gutted Alpha Counter system which is so utterly worthless, it’s not even considered a viable strategy. Along with SC5’s Gutted Impact system, Alpha Counters were unintuitive little shits and giggles where you use up meter just to counter what is essentially a move that would probably not be too dangerous. Reason it’s not recommened is because you fucking need your meter. Street Fighter turned into micromanagement fighter where keeping a watchful eye on your meter became more important than the actual fight, where players would fly around the room whiffing their attacks just to build up enough meter to use their AWESOME SUPER POWERS! That said, why waste Alpha Counters on moves when chip damage doesn’t have that much risk when meter building is just too important!? Not to mention the damage dealt is completely ass in comparison to Alpha 2. Or how about the beginning of the end for rewarding play with the introduction of guard crushes!? You know when fighting games actually required a little defensive tactics every now and then to ensure that you don’t die? Yeah, for some reason developers thought this was problematic and decided “lets change that shit up so there will be more offensive play in mind” which means jack shit for characters with charge motions

I have no clue why Capcom made so many alterations to Alpha 3, maybe they were trying to pound the idea into your head that this is a new game, and to get their point across, they’ve thrown out what works and made illogical changes out of spite. 2 buttons throws are ass, Guard Meter punishes defensive play

Even if you manage to learn any of the overtly inaccessible characters, all of your efforts will be meaningless in the face of Akuma, or more specifically V-ism Akuma. When he’s not busy being the wetdream of every loud mouth kid online in SF4. Akuma is such a one-dimensional character that I’m really not that shocked and angered by his repeat usage anymore, but back then, this bitch was merciless. For those that live in a cave, V-ism gives you custom combos or “gay ass after-images that hurt people”. Activating it means you will dominate almost 100% of the time. Why? Could be thanks to the immense juggling properties the Vism possesses, the Tekken retards would be calling for help. But in the hands of Akuma, you might as well forget the concept of winning. Akuma has always been an overpowered shit stain, but Vism takes his already high-damage and priority moves and amps them up to disproportionate levels. If it’s not VAkuma, it’s the retard FGC that would be in a hurry to find a youtube video of Vakuma losing to a low tier character just to show that Vakuma is somehow not overpowered.

And why wouldn’t you use Vakuma? The roster of characters (being nigh inaccessible) are just boring characters in general. You have characters from an old relic called Final Fight whom’s ass was thoroughly kicked by the supremacy of Streets of Rage. You get Guy and Cody, but then you get 2 total nobodies from the Mad Gear gang. Joy! The highlight of the Alpha series was drawing connections to an old beat em up for no reason other than to have them in the series. Then you get Rainbow Mika who was possibly only added to have a Zangeif with boobs and a stink face move. Other retarded character choices are Karin who is a rich girl and rival to Sakura. WOW! Foreshadowing the irrelevancy of Asuka and Lily in Tekken! Alpha 3 has the most boring and uninteresting roster of characters ever to grace any fighting game second only to Virtua Fighter. Not to mention it’s some prequel so obviously characters look younger in order to appease Japan’s obsession with youth.

Capcom has a nasty habit of creating fighting games with uninteresting characters with the exception of the Marvel vs Series where they practically had no choice but to use all the cool bits for the game. But SFA3 is crammed with no one you want to use. Unfortunately, this trend continued with SF3 and 4.

Speaking of that obsession with youth, here’s another damn prequel starring a high school student named Dante! At least… he looks like one.

Along with Capcom’s obsession with origin stories, this one covers the tale of how Vergil became a boss encounter in the first game, something we can’t help to give no fucks about. Which is ironic given that the only game in the series that has the best narrative unfortunately becomes the least enjoyable entry in the entire series.

Lets take a simplified control scheme from DMC2, a game that is a guilty pleasure of mine, and screw that up with some awkward “style” system which nerfs the dodge function by adding delay and long recovery times while limiting it to a style that gets no other perks like the other 3 styles, one built for sword combos, one built for special gun attacks I think, and another for counter attacks. You know what would be better? Having the ability to switch between all different functions on the fly! I can’t stand games where you’re limited to using certain functions until you’ve completed a level where the option to switch becomes available, or find little nodes in between levels to do so from there.

I haven’t seen where people were so fed up with the difficult aside from 2 boss battles. Agni & Rudra, and motherfucking Vergil. Ok Fine, Vergil’s the main antagonist. He’s supposed to do all the asskicking, but if you needed proof that 3D and action games don’t mix, then look no further than DMC3’s camera and the need to fight 2 bosses at once! And not just any pair of bosses, you’re fighting kung fu legends. 2 big ass statues that took some classes from Hwang from Soul Calibur who decided to use DMC3’s shit camera to their advantage all the while having superior blocking, dodging, and counter attack measures all the while sporting super moves like fiery tornadoes. Wish I could do all that at once, but I don’t have a node on hand, and because you assholes are so cheap, I couldn’t bare facing you 2 without my nerfed evasive maneuver from a previous title! Who the hell thought this was a great idea? DMC is already a difficult enough series, but putting in 2 bosses in a microscopic room with enough clutter to throw you off isn’t my idea of fun.

Infact, the whole game isn’t even fun. Combat becomes a boring chore by the time all the enthusiasm you had for making “sweet looking combos” goes the way of  vapor, and the game goes into that “Adventure” bullshit in which you have so much backtracking on hand. You could easily get lost in this game thanks to every area being copy/pasted horse piss as well as having the most unintuitive map and saving system ever. A game where you can easily get lost and not have a viable save function is a double negative, having boss battles that take longer than 10 minutes is a triple negative. The fact that this tween Dante appears in MVC3 over the superior DMC2 awesomeness Dante is a quadruple negative! It’s not compelling, it cannot engage you, it’s combat is even more dull than DMC2’s spammy pistol-whippin fest, it has no convenient game flow, and is a much worse DMC4 gameplay wise.

Trying to go back to playing Metroid 3 is an exercise in boredom. The only thing this game has is atmosphere, although with the existence of REmake on the gamecube, Revelations on 3DS and HD, and even Metroid Prime 1 & 2, Metroid 3 has aged about as well as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gut.

The first 2 games in the series promoted exploration through choice rather than requirement in which the games possessed items that weren’t mandatory to your progress through the game. Imagine not needing to have the long beam or the screw attack in order to progress, you didn’t have a bazillion fucking obstacles in your way basically shoving into your face that you need X item to progress beyond this point! People have suggested that Aonuma Zelda was guilty of having mechanical overworlds that advertised mandatory items to progress, but all that bullshit started with this game. How many green and yellow doors do I have to pass up before I can find the only blue/red door in the whole corridor? Oh, you wanna bomb this wall to discover a secret passage? Well fuck you loser, you need FLASH boots for this bitch!

You weren’t arbitrarily locked out of an area until you found the appropriate item in the original Metroid (all you needed were missiles for red doors), but for some reason Nintendo seems to think spinning your wheels is an acceptable form of entertainment, which would explain how enabled Aonuma seems to be with all the shitty elements contained in recent Zelda games. How lazy is the “item renting” feature in that shit?

How incredibly obnoxious of the Space Pirates to point out their own little security flaws in order to delay their inevitable destruction? And I mean that literally, this game is piss easy. If not for having stiffer controls than a Classicvania game, you would be able to nuke the entire cartridge in less than an hour. Then again, there’s Phantoon. Fuck Phantoon. That is all.

And for a game that could’ve been described as Survival Horror, it’s not at all scary! It’s got the eerie music and dangerous caverns, but for what it’s worth, it could’ve been a simple remake of the original. Monsters aren’t at all terrifying beyond how tedious they are to deal with. As long as you have enough missiles and super missiles on hand, there is nothing that can stand in your way. There is very little challenge in this game beyond getting lost and a couple handful of boss battles that a lot of times you won’t expect.

If I had to describe my experience with Xenoblade chronicles, I would say I was deluded in a vain attempt to wash out the bad taste Skyward Sword left in my mouth. This game might as well cost 20 bucks.

As a game where you walk around big ass worlds, it rocks as people love to travel. As a game for fun, though, it has virtually no lasting appeal. All of this due to the game’s combat system which is virtually on autopilot for the entirety of the game. If you loved FF7’s RTB system for w/e pantshitting reason, you will fall in love with this game. Don’t expect combat to feel like anything more than a chore as you could pretty WATCH how the game plays out as the characters can fight for themselves. Oh you can use certain skills to increase your chances of winning, but does that really help? Of course not. The most you can do to not die is position yourself where the enemies can’t hurt you, and this is difficult to figure out as specific enemies might have certain effects that you’ll never really know until it’s too late and your teammates start falling one by one.

This would prompt you to use strategy. What kind? Why you keep the fuck away from enemies and do a plethora of shopping lists for lazy NPC’s. And believe me, this is what the majority of your time will be spent doing in Xenoblade Chronicles. Completing the game’s wretched amount of quests simply to gain money and experience points, essentially being a power-leveling fest where you don’t even have to worry about a little thing called “strategy”. But that’s cool, I guess. I certainly wouldn’t want to have to grind by playing these boring ass battle sequences over and over again simply by walking up to enemies and watching my characters hit them.

The story, which lets be real is the only reason people bother playing RPGs in the first place, is actually quite a thrilling revenge story where the main character’s assbitch gets murdered by giant robots… only to come back as a robot herself. Then the story starts going into random mythology nonsense about “Telethia” and some shit called “Zanza”, it gets to the point that the game starts focusing on psychic pokemon that wishes to eat the human race. The story plunges head long into animuville and becomes far too unrealistic for anyone’s taste. It’s got this huge prologue about 2 giant statues fighting each other, then dying where their bodies start sprouting life where 2 different races exist, then it dumps that shit for a race of people with wings on their heads who completely take over the story! I don’t care about these wing cap mother fuckers turning into Green Dialga’s!

Out of all the Rainfall games, Xenoblade is considered a must have, but honestly speaking, The Last Story deserves more attention than it got. It has a REAL combat system, FAR more interesting characters and content, and a much cooler villain who isn’t some nerdy scientist that inexplicably became god for no reason.

Dishonorable mentions go to:

Super Paper Mario
Metroid Prime 3
The Medal of Honor series
The Sims
Dig Dug
NBA Hangtime
Gex: Enter the Gecko
GoldenEye 64
Castlevania Symphony of the Night

Since I’ve practically run out of topics to talk about until that damn E3, I might as well give some insight on games that people should be playing on these HD consoles. Keep in mind, these are the only games you should ever give a damn about…. EVER.

And later on, games I thought were good, but I know you’ll hate anyway. And yes,  I tried to sound like “Honest Trailers”.

Hey kids! Tired of those action games that treat themselves like hardcore nut rides with stories that pretend to be the deepest piles of mess while still trotting out big tits in the form of serious, cocky or emotionally fragile women? Are you fed up with lists of crappy combos that you’re more or less required to learn to defeat only a fraction of the enemies in the game? do you tire of action games that remove any semblance of player choice in favor of living out the wild visions of their creators while still having some thought-provoking (read: pretentious) narratives!? WELL, KONAMI HAS THE GAME FOR YOU!

Imagine a game that allows you to make your own combos and attacks that are effective against enemies regardless of how you approach them… unless they’re boss fights. A game where stealth sections can be completely ignored because you’re too goddamn awesome for that pussy footing shit that Solid Snake and Sam Fischer have to go through because they aren’t bad ass cybrid ninjas! A game where you can awesome across streams of missiles, run down the side of a building, across a burning bridge, fly through collapsing sky scrapers, and mess someone’s suit up after midnight, and then… walk like you’re on crack because your character realized he’s just so goddamn awesome anyway! Metal Gear Rising is the game for you! If you want to truly feel bad ass with out the need of arbitrary and complex lists of useless combos, you won’t need to worry. This game is the REAL 3D version of Ninja Gaiden without the stupid mechanics of number 3…. and unfortunately without the motion controlled bewbs of the 2nd and 3rd game that totally made you feel all tingly down unda!

Meet Raiden, the guy everyone hated in MGS2 for trolling fans who wanted to play Solid Snake, and instead played a character that was meant to make teenage girls wetter than Robert Pattinson! Now he’s back in a last ditch attempt at making Raiden an appealing character! By making him ugly and “dark and mysterious“. Now he trades in his aaaaabs for cybernetic body parts and cybernetic high heels! Sound gay? Totally, but don’t worry, those are just for gripping his sword…. with his fucking feet! Homophobia has never felt so beast!

Feel like the world’s greatest bad ass until the game removes that option and makes you get beaten up by a Mexican. Jetstream Sam who is totally everyone’s favorite character. Journey across Africa, the Middle East, Russia, and America in order to uncover a government conspiracy that everyone is completely aware of. Wars are being started to restart the American Economy… or to bankrupt the American Economy… and burn it down? Who cares how stupid the plan is or why they’re kidnapping children from across the world to use them as future cybernetic warriors in a subplot that is completely ditched by the last half of the game, but gets more relevance than the “Deleter” sub plot from Metroid Other M! And if you’ve never liked Colossus from the X-Men, then it’s your lucky day as he’s the final boss, combined with a random bag of fire powers and fights like a Dragon Ball Z character! Holy nut balls this game is awesome!


You have no idea how ironic it is that I’m listing this game. Having dissed it in the past, I am looking for the nearest shoe to eat it.

Get ready for a fighting game that has no learning curve whatsoever, but takes a little more effort than Tatsunoko vs Capcom, especially if you’re a fan of Zero (you little bitch)! Persona Arena is the game for you!

Created by the masters of Guilty Gear and… the retards of Blazblue, comes a fighting game with a little mix of both! Get ready for a move list so accessible, you won’t believe you’re playing a fighting game! Every special move is activated by Quarter Circles or just randomly mashing buttons! It’s the 2D Bloody Roar you… or at least I’ve always wanted! Based on the really shitty RPG series comes a game where the creators finally learned that RPGs suck, and fighting games are completely superior! If you’re a fan of Jojo’s Bizarre on the CPS3 emulator, then here’s a skimmed down version of it! A game with only 2 attack buttons and 2 Stand attacks, where every character has only one special move! Just kidding, but it will seem that way if you played Yu Naka… something!

Get ready for a fighting game that doesn’t take itself seriously and gives every character a nickname! Sister Complex King Pin of Carnage! The Protein Junky! The Snow Black!And The Beast in Heat! And I totally didn’t make that last one up! Prepare yourself for a soundtrack reminiscent of Capcom vs SNK 1 and 2, but only mass destruction stands out!

A fighting game that’s just as fast as Guilty Gear, with enough nuances to make a superior Blazblue game, and an inviting control scheme without the stupid shit developers do to “balance out” the easy to do special attacks. And a TEDDY BEAR as a fighting game character…. that totally sucks ass! And you should feel bad for playing him. Finally, a real Aksys game to tie you over until Xrd comes out for the West!

PERSONA 4 ARENA! Man, who knew an animu fighter could actually be fun for a change? And no real DLC schemes like characters on the disc? Who’da thunk it? Who would pay for sunglasses on their characters though?

Prepare for more irony! From the company that ruined gaming forever comes the game that surprisingly didn’t ruin the Marvel vs Capcom franchise!

Are you ready for a game that easily compensates for the cutting of awesome characters like Venom, Cyclops, and Gambit… with Dante, Docter Strange, and mother….fucking….Ghost Rider!? Then prepare for a fighting game that didn’t have the decency to keep Captain Commando and still not be disappointing! A game that is surprisingly just as fast as Marvel vs Capcom 2 while still making unnecessary changes like Spiderman’s Web Swing into a Dragon Punch motion! Get ready for a Deadpool so obnoxiously unfunny, it borders on destroying the character worse than Fox or Highnoon studious could hope to accomplish!

Get ready for Vergil, the villain that made you rage in Devil May Cry 3, to once again rage at how cheap he is… unless you main Felicia from Darkstalkers where you can troll everyone with her rising…. flying kick… move? The only real bad news is that Gay ass Zero returns from Tatsunoko vs Capcom to make your life a living hell once more! And Thor has a special move where all he does is talk shit as long as you hold down the button! A game that has half the cast from the Avengers, and X-23 for no reason except to have another Wolverine with bewbs!

So strap in to get over the confusing control scheme and get ready for more striker spamming action than ever before! With a Wolverine who’s dialog is awesome enough to contain “Swiss Cheese!”, and a Spiderman who sounds lamer than Toby McGuire! A fighting system so accessible, button mashing newbs can actually kick your ass worse than they would in Soul Calibur 5! And the game is still surprisingly fun as long as you stay offline… forever! Resist the annoying prompts and forever go local!

ULTIMATE MARVEL VS CAPCOM 3! Seriously, the on-disc DLC isn’t even available anymore to purchase? Way to go game industry. Now I have no way to access the content on my disc… period!

Pssh… I wish I would recommend this mug

Are you ready to punch foes into Red Mist!? Then get ready to NOT Joy puke your face off with that tedious ass sequel!

A first Person Shooter so by the numbers, it actually plays well, and the loot is actually good for once!

Meet Roland, the character that apparently got a stick up his ass in the sequel and became less funny. With a scorpio turret so broken, it literally destroys enemies faster than Mordecai’s stupid bird! With a dick so big, it attracts every white woman in the sequel, including his bottom bitch Lilith, a character with the creepiest face design ever, and devilish looking yellow eyes that stare into your very soul, and none of the male players would mind, the perverts.

Then, get ready to snipe with Mordecai, the arrogant expert who becomes a drunken retard in the sequel. And Brick, the berserker with a mouth who remained awesome in the sequel.

A game so forgiving, even dying is actually funny! Get ready for deserts, junkywards, factories, caves, more junkyards, more…. deserts, snowy mountain ranges with the most annoying aliens you’ll ever face off against. If you hated Claptrap, then prepare to love him and his entire entourage of lovable robots who cry in pain for your help, giving you nostalgia of Wall-E’s cute ass! DAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW…. isn’t enough to describe these woobee mother fuckers! Experience Scooter before the stroke happened, and marvel at how much better he sounded! Witness the awesome power of the Atlas Corporation that is in many ways inferior and superior to Hyperion like… having better human troops… and worse robot troops. General Knoxx, a character who could totally kick Wilheim’s ass, is the most hilarious Borderland’s character of all time!

Are you ready for a story that is non-existent or even intrusional? Then prepare yourself for more milder humor that doesn’t try to force memes onto the internet. Get ready for corrosive weapons that are so overpowered, you’ll wonder what Gearbox was thinking for nerfing the shit out of them for the sequel! You won’t believe your eyes when you can open up a locker and find legendary weapons that aren’t simply there for show! No! They… actually… KILL ENEMIES!

So strap in for zombies, way too difficult underground arenas, and the opportunity to kill Claptraps, you sadistic bastard!

BORDERLANDS. Better get the GOTY edition at a gamestop near you. Hehe, idiots.

Honorable Mention: MORTAL KOMBAT 9. If you don’t have this game, then in the words of Reggie Fils Amie “What’s wrong with you!?”. Unless you have kids. Sucker.

…But in all seriousness, these are, in my perception at least, the best games to get on this system. As far as genres go, you can’t go wrong with half the fighting games on the system, but MGR is a definite buy. Probably the only REAL action game that feels like a 3D NES Ninja Gaiden by far. Just without the annoying ass birds that knock you into cliffs. Or the cool fire powers. 😦

Now for the games that… I figured were good games, but have some nasty issues that keep me from recommending them on the basis that they are major flaws that should never exist considering what year we’re in.

Actually……there’s really nothing wrong with this game. Ok so there’s those marble puzzles, but this is probably the most flawless title on this system. The problem is… the game advertises a Crack in Time… and that’s the real problem.

Crack in Time isn’t a bad game in itself, but it is such a downgrade from Tools of Destruction, right down to it’s game engine. It doesn’t even feel like the same game, many of the weapons of previous titles have been removed in favor of “innovative” features like upgrades that no one cares about as these weapons will be useless later on in the game. Not to mention the puzzles in this game are 12 times WORSE than anything they had in previous titles. Praise Amma Insomniac allowed you skip them. I would have second guessed that White Jesus was a benevolent creature with this move.

Not to mention this was where the narrative for the series started going downhill. They had this interesting story of time travel stations and what not… but there’s a glaring flaw. Multiple times, the main characters travel through time rifts to solve problems in the present time, right? If Ratchet and Clank had the ability to go back in time on multiple occasions…. why didn’t they let Azerath or Azrael or w/e his name is… know that they could do this? It would’ve saved them the trouble of trying to stop him from destroying the very fabric of time itself simply because Azrael wanted to see his comrades… and even Ratchet was desperate to know what happened to his kind.

So…. WHY DIDN’T THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR OWN PERSONAL TIME TRAVELING ABILITIES!? Yeah, the game isn’t bad, but it’s a tad more frustrating in the logic department.

Now, considering this is my first actual entry into the series, I’m a tad biased. I’m a coop junkie at heart, so it’s hard for me to recommend against this title. But I absolutely have to. If you want to know why I am not digging Sonic Boom for any reason, this game would be it. Forced Coop Actions?! This game defined them. Imagine a game where 90% of everything you do is tied to your partner’s presence? Getting across long ledges with a “tether” gimmick, using a vacuum to shoots your allies across larger gaps, shooting your allies to switches (some being in limited time frames), having to shoot enemies in unison just to damage them at all, or even having to carry around a giant light bulb in a forest while another has to inevitably escort YOU through while you shine the light for them to see.

This is not true coop. Putting both players where they must work together makes the game feel mechanical and not at all organic. It makes both players feel like hamsters going through routine processes is not fun. The only element of the game in which this isn’t the case is in combat, but Insomniac managed to fuck that up too. You’d think you were playing Borderlands 2 with the amount of punishment these enemies can take. What this means is you wasting lots of ammo on bullet sponges, combined with ammo starvation all across the board = GHETTO RAGE! If you want to do anything more than tickle enemies, you pretty much have to use “coop bursts” where you shoot one enemy in unison with your partner, creating an effect where you both fire faster at the same rate, and then the enemy explodes doing MASSIVE DAMAGE… that isn’t worth shit. The other option is to buy the Critter Strike and upgrade that bitch to max levels so you can plow through enemies by turning them into pigs. This was the only way to easily progress through the game! So even player choice in weapon experimentation (an element that I damn well ADORED in this series) is revoked!

Still, it’s not an entirely bad game, just a very poorly designed one with neutered humor. No really, the game isn’t anywhere near as funny as the previous titles, and even feels like a neutered kid’s show on 4kids TV.

This is the main reason I bought the PS3. No bullshit. I mean… fucking Momiji man.

Ironically, because she isn’t good, I find myself using Zack and Hitomi more often while finding any means to make Lisa as nude as possible. She sho is built in this game. 😀

Still, I’ve never quite been a fan of DOA’s fighting system. Or rather it’s emphasis on the now-disorientating counter system. I hate situational moves and systems in any fighting game, so having one game where the entire point of the game is situational moves and counter systems is rage-inducing. Especially when almost every move characters have can put you in a stun state where you’re stumbling about like an asshole and being completely defenseless with the only actions available to you… is the goddamn counter system, or even mashing buttons to get out of your stun state (something you shouldn’t have to do). What this means is that this game really has no margin for error.

3D fighter devs have a nasty habit of overusing stuns in their games, and DOA takes the cake. Not only do you need to counter properly, if you do the wrong counter, you risk taking more damage than usual. And that’s the biggest issue of 3D fighters not named Bloody Roar. There is more risk than reward. DOA5 epitomizes the very worst of 3D fighting game systems to date, second only to Soul Calibur 5. The only redeeming really IS the tits this time! I’ve played earlier installments to the series and I don’t recall the fighting to be anywhere near this fucked.

It’s fun as a more laid fighter where you really just wing it, but trying to play “FoRealz” is not even an option.

Quite frankly, Brawl is not a terrible fighting game in itself. It’s a terrible Smash Bros. Like most Japanese developers (read AKSYS) who start believing that making “unique characters” creates a better fighting game experience, Sakurai jumped headlong into the innovation deadpool in some asinine logic where all the best characters are nerfed in order to showcase the craptastic innovations of Pikman, Pokemon Trainer (Squirtle is still awesome) and the retardation of Zero Suit Samus who’s access to this transformation is locked to items or a cheat code. Fuck Brawl.

Piss Station All-Stars tries to mitigate that. It… failed for the most part, but manages to be it’s own game in the process. For one, all of the goddamn characters are viable as long as you’re not a Starhawk or Jak and Daxter fan (sowwy Heat). Shit, even the burlap sack from the pretentious LBP series can kick your ass sideways.

This game would be fine if not for the fact that it literally advertises it’s on-disc DLC by making you fight the locked characters in arcade mode, as well as locked costumes to be shown off. How obnoxious can you get Sony? It’s like taking someone’s lunch money and then running down the hallway screaming about how you robbed someone of a cheap lunch. People are fed the fuck up with on-disc DLC and they go right the fuck ahead and openly admit they are ripping you off. Well that’s service after the sell, tell me straight up that you want more money and no complaints.

Even after getting over the paywall nonsense, you have an online community that is easily one of the most vile hives of scum you’ll ever meet. They make Sonic Stadium look dignified. Here’s a bit of advice, don’t play this game online unless you are Japanese because if you do not demonstrate perfection in combos and mind games or what not, you will be completely ostracized by it’s deluded community. There’s nothing worse than a nerd… than a nerd with high expectations of other people to be good at a video game. I wish I could say “I’m not playing this game to live up to your ridiculous standards of how good I should be especially since most of you cocksuckers can’t deal with my spammy ass Ratchet” but will that solve anything? Hell no. Online gaming has never felt anymore alienating than in this game, and even the asshole community can’t compare to what is easily the worst thing about this game.

Fuck Cole. Easily the most overpowered son of a bitch in this entire game, this guy redefined the term “White Devil”. Infinite stun lock exploit!? Easiest character to build meter with!? And they nerfed Jak!? Sony been sippin on Yak! I’ve never met a character that felt so impossible to defeat since Zeus on Piss Station All-Stars! This guy can suck 20 asses through coffee straws.

Being the resident “Classicfag”, a title I wear proudly, I can safely say that after many complaints that have arisen from Sega’s inability to “get it”, this is quite frankly the first time they’ve ever “gotten it” in years. Sonic 4 Episode 2 easily rectifies many of the previous game’s complaints such as poor level design, bad physics and enemy placement, as well as gimmicky levels like LIGHTING FUCKING TORCHES, and creates a game that is much closer to the Genesis games than anything that has come out prior. We can all say that Sega has finally listened to their fans for once… only to shortly cancel the fucking S4 series in favor of appeasing Nintendo. Is listening to the fans is such a bad thing for this company that they have to immediately shift gears away from gaining consumer trust for corporate trust!?

Whose side are you on, Sega!? Afterall,the reason you canceled the Wii version of Episode 2 was because of memory restrictions, and I come to find this game is really no bigger than Episode 1. There’s still only 4 goddamn levels and one crappy DLC where you play as Metal Sonic…. THROUGH EPISODE 1! WHAT HORSE SHIT! People hated Episode 1, why in hory fuck would you make DLC based on Episode 1!? Infact, why not just combined both games into one so we can get a complete game to sell on a retail disc!? Who the fuck wants Episodic games?

The biggest problem with Episode 2 is it’s length. Nobody likes short games anymore, or at least games that have no replay afterward. Making traditional Sonic with only 4 zones is an insult. And the music is still ass. Yes, this game is the only real time that Sega actually gets what their fans have been bitching about, and it’s also the only real time we get a true glimpse at how little they cared either way. And it’s still a better game than Sonic Advance 3.

…………………….It’s Dynasty Warriors, you do the math.

K. Done.


I’m assuming people want my take on this seeing how the last post got taken over by it. First thing’s first, Game Theory is an irritating youtuber who’s “theories” aren’t even realistically sound. For one, he had made a video in which he tried to prove that Super Mario was faster than Sonic… by using a PORTION of SMB1’s 1-1 level and judging Mario’s speed in reaching this PORTION of it…. while comparing to the amount of time it takes for Sonic to reach the end of Green Hill Act 1. The WHOLE fuckin act, I might add. 1-1 is, by all, a very short level while Green Hill is already lengthy.

But ignoring that, he’s made a video that’s preaching to the choir. People have known that innovation does not sell ever since the Gamecube bombed. People are aware of it considering the amount of pissing and moaning people have done over Call of Duty (mainly, the Nintards). The problem with the video is 3-fold. Number 1, he implies that the world of the internet is not aware that their tastes are in minority opinion, so the only people he’s talking to is the Nintendo fans… which is a pointless endeavor because as long as one game makes it over the 1 million mark (Epic Yarn), then fuck all the facts, PROFIT WAS MAED! We don’t know how much to make a difference to Nintendo, but it’s good enough for those assbites to win their pointless debative crusades against “da haters“. There’s no point to explaining shit to Nintendo loyalists no matter how many facts you pull up. If people like BlackB0nd have trouble getting anything through their thick ass skulls, then a guy with a million subs (which he flaunts as if to establish his credibility) isn’t gonna make any difference.

Number 2. If you’re gonna tell Nintendo fans the truth that breaks the camel’s back, don’t puss out and start praising Nintendo for their past history. There’s NO data showing how influential their “innovative” motion and touch screen controls are. After all, that’s why every limp dick fuck that watches this video keeps praising it, yet there’s nothing about them innovative controls.  The Wii’s best selling games are majority-wise the ones that don’t emphasize the motion controls and are just decent games. Yes, Wii Sports/Fit are titles that baffle the fuck out of everyone, but looking at Brawl and NSMBW, even NSMBDS, the innovative controls have never been necessary in the first place. Just admit it. Innovation in ALL sectors don’t sell people (often). How in demand are innovative control schemes? Instead of looking on the internet and assuming innovation sold Wii’s and Nintendo games (a contradictory fact), you could poll some assholes on the street to get real information.

Going  step further, there’s nothing innovative about motion or touch screen controls in the first place. Shit like this has existed since the goddamn Power glove. Nintendo basically took advantage of it and made video games a little “cooler”. Driving controls with a motion controller isn’t innovative, but it feels smooth as hell. I can’t even look at Sonic Racing Transformed the same way as it’s prequel on the wii. Where they started fucking up was making certain game inconvenient by making titles like Skyward Sword and Metroid Corruption WORSE.  The point still stands that innovation doesn’t sell. Praising the Wii for innovating and “changing the industry” is a bald-faced lie. And again, I can’t help but wonder if this was mentioned just to deflect any criticism he might/will get from the religiously over-zealous nintards that will watch the video.

Number 3. Why thank you! As borderline retarded shit head, I was previously unaware of what football is. What kind of condescending asshole thinks that’s funny?

I think this video has gotten enough unwarranted attention.


With my righteous and furious anger of Resident Evil 6, I had originally proclaimed to never again look to Resident Evil for survival horror. Unfortunately, my will is not that strong and even after Mikami left, I am still RE’s bitch. So hearing the hype around Revelations, I decided to pick it up and am fucking glad I am still it’s bitch. Revelations is fucking gooooooooood!

The most amazing thing about this title is that it is completely free of quick-time events! Now if that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is! Though I suppose being a handheld port, there be some perks to that aspect. I suppose Capcom figured Nintendo fans were “pussies” that couldn’t handle QTEs or something. But w/e, I’m happy as hell. Secondly, the game’s controls are actually good for once. Yes, it’s that same RE4 turd person element, but it actually feels improved. Unlike RE6’s weird ass control set up, your character’s movement while aiming is quite fast and smooth where as with 6 it was slow and clunky.

Other than that, melee attacks while not in aiming mode have been vastly improved. Instead of these slow attacks, your character has very quick attacks that have no hit stun but provide damage while you can move at the same time. Not to mention there’s no… fucking… STAMINA meter to look after! You can melee to your hearts content…. unless your enemies have quick mobility.

But the most important thing is that the game is actually scary. Not since RE3 has the series given me quite the shivers and tension that RE was known for up until now. Since then, I’ve been playing the games for story which is a bad thing. Story should not be the sole reason to play any game or else you might as well be watching youtube. This game, holy shit, all the moments I screamed “FUCKIN ASS” when some scary shit popped out had to have been a record.

The environments are also highly reminiscent of REmake’s mansion in regards to the residential cabins on the ship. There’s also a casino… for some reason. Basically, story is a ghost ship where Jill is tasked with investigating as well as trying to give the player a boner given the cleavage shot and tight swim suit that she wear for the whole mission just so we can see that she stole dat African booty as well.

Stupid Sexy Valentine!

Unfortunately, the game’s not perfect. While at first the game boasts what we’ve come to expect from Resident Evil games, ammo starvation and all, it goes into bullshit territory by requiring you to empty out your ammo reserves just to move on to the next area. Yes, the controls are actually suitable for combat for once, but that does not mean you make combat oriented challenges in the game. Sometimes in order to survive, you AVOID enemies. Plus,there’s lots of swimming involved, and I’ll be the one to say that swimming in 3D games have never been fun, but for some reason, developers are enamored by swimming in 3D. As if seeing underwater environments with ass controls are some sort of godsend. And the puzzles are still here (such as needing to turn on/off 3 different valves in 3 separate areas). Otherwise, if you need an RE fix, you can’t go wrong with Revelations. I assure you, you won’t be dissappointed, especially if you came off of RE6.


Dumbass wants to make MOAR Nintendo DLC for Sonic’s Lost Mind.

I think this confirms that Lost Mind isn’t made for any audience and is simply a game that satisfies only Iizuka and Nintendo’s own tastes.

“Sonic Lost World is a title that only released on Nintendo hardware, which is an opportunity that I couldn’t believe, collaborating together. This time, the appearance is interesting, as combining Sonic into such a world is extremely foreign, and I wanted to aim at the unexpected.

“The team says that the music, sound and songs of The Legend of Zelda were entertaining to try and re-create and is now interested in working on more levels that allow it to collaborate with Nintendo.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or shit vomit. If anything proves how anti-consumer Lost Mind is, it is the DLC’s that do not fit within the context of Sonic the Hedgehog. Lets be frank. No one in the world wants Sonic to promote Nintendo’s bullshit. Not anymore at least, but this nutless moron sees a “creative opportunity” to make more Nintendo DLC. The dipshits who supported this out of some asinine desire to “show support for the company” aren’t even taken in consideration when these assholes are making the decisions. When people bitch and moan about how awful this assimilation is, what does Sega do? They want to make MORE of it! Great job, Nintendo! Not only was Sega bad at business decisions, you’ve poisoned them with your “in your face” attitude in lacking empathy for the customers and instead drown themselves in their own desires.

A company that moderately listened to their fans has now eaten the forbidden fruit of a company that has lost all motivation or desire to serve their customers. No, lets shove MORE shit that people don’t want into the series because YOU like it, and that makes it ok.

Iizuka and the rest of Sonic team has no idea they’re fucking the pooch by doing this. They’re offended by BRB’s retarded boom designs, but they find no problem shoving Nintendo IPs into Sonic and further destroy the franchise’s identity by assimilating it into games of a company rival!? When does the stupidity end!? Sonic was promoted as a Nintendo killer! That has been one of Sonic’s core trademarks since it’s conception. The other being speed and attitude. You’ve removed the attitude, you’ve removed the speed, and now you’re removing the will to compete against Nintendo.

Great job assholes, you’ve officially killed Sonic the Hedgehog.

You can’t blame this on Sonic Colors. No, you need to throw fire at that Olympics crap. That’s where this mess all started. All because Sega wants that Italian sausage.

Enjoy it while you can, you punk bitch.

Listening and reading every interview on Sonic Bomb reads like a script for a comedy as these doorknobs make every single mistake a game developer makes this day in age. If not the redesigns and their moronic reasoning, it’s the gameplay gimmicks. If not the gameplay, it’s the intended audience. If not that, it’s the ridiculous mess they spew in interviews like “splinter groups”. One after another, my hopes are dashed in an instant as these devs jump headlong into 1996 where stupid ideas start cropping up for the sake of showing off 3D effects.

But the one that gets me is the comment of “wanting kids to be able to finish the game”. That’s the absolute worst thing you could want. While obnoxiously lamenting that people who want a challenge have to do other things aside from the main game (sounds like Klonoa’s stupid tower).

Forgive me if I give off the essence of a gaming elitist who believes in Ninja Gaiden levels of BS ridden challenges, but these things contributed to the replay value of a video game in ways most people wouldn’t guess.

Video games can really take you places. More so than a book could. Reason being is obvious. A visual aid can give you clear details of these places you are venturing into. Sure, it’s nice to use your imagination to visualize how the place looks, it’s much more accessible to see how things look and feel.

That said, when you find a game that has incredibly interesting places, then you are instantly spell bound. You have the innate desire to dig deeper and explore it’s vast world.

As I’ve said before,  people have a desire to travel and explore the world. if you don’t have the means or the funds to do your own traveling, you rely on the media to give you your fix. Movies and television do a decent job on their own, but to get a first hand experience, you’d need to actively participate in the exploration aspects. IE, YOU need to actually be present in that world. As such, video games do their jobs much better by taking you places.

Think about all the marvelous (read: Generic) looking worlds in Sonic Bomb that we’ve seen thus far. Most have agreed that despite being unfitting, they are some vast pieces of work that people want to dig into once we see more of it.

But in order to really bring out your inner explorer, there have to be obstacles in place. This is why “challenge” is actually important. Not for gamers to stroke their mega lo-maniacal  egos, but to push you into wanting to see more of the game’s worlds…. more than usual.

“Man, I can’t wait to see what the next destination is! Uh oh,  boss fight”

*hours later*3


People would be desperate to find out the next chapter on their journey. Game developers know this which is why they create gorgeous looking environments time and again (unless it’s a game on a nintendo console, apparently). Unfortunately, developers are incredibly ego driven fools who want people to simply marvel at their work. And you can’t marvel at anything when you’re stuck at some boss fight. So instead, the devs coddle people with very easy difficulty in which a baby could progress without hindrance. Then again, they wouldn’t have a choice otherwise considering how much of a hinderance  3D gaming is, but that’s aside the point.

This creates big problems, why? Because when you have legions of incredibly easy games, gamers go through the process of which they burn through content. When this happens, gamers start ending up with games that take up shelf space faster than dust rats. Why is that? Could it be the lack of places to explore in a game?

Outside of puzzle games, sports games, maybe fighting games and FPS’s where the main goal is competition (not to mention being the main genres that seemingly sell the most these days), you would be hardpressed to find any game that is worth your time anymore. Many games that are designed around the element of action or adventure are usually short-lived experiences now. Oh the games might be long, but their length isn’t attributed to REAL length, IE things not created arbitrarily just to artificially lengthen the game, mind you. But when you eventually get through the game, you realize that it’s really over. There’s nothing more to explore. No hidden worlds to seek. When you remove the amount of worlds to explore, the incentive of replay value diminishes greatly. So when you have a game that is built to be easy, what you are doing is creating no incentive to replay the game. No real drive other than a second playthrough with minor bells and whistles.

Speaking of artificial length, do you know why that happens so often in video games? It’s to offset the REAL game lengthening factor which is the challenge factor. Game developers (and modern gamers) these days believe that a LONG game is an aspect of quality. Many people will note today that games feel much shorter than they used to be. The nerds of today will often criticize old games for being ridiculously short only to be lengthened by their sheer difficulty, but that has always been a beneficial factor of a game’s longevity, not it’s vice. Because people actually had to practice and get better at the game in order to progress. As long as they have the drive (and the obstacle doesn’t seem impossible enough), the gamer will actually LIKE this manner of longevity. Instead of that, however, we are given a million mindless tasks to complete in order to offset the length of the game. Locked door? Find 3 key codes. Giant plant monster can’t be beaten by normal means? Run back to several areas to find ingredients to poison it. Elevator locked down? Find someone’s personal chopper and destroy it to piss off the elevator’s personal operator… or something. These things feel like a chore that no one ever wants to revisit for any particular reason. When people are given a shopping list of objectives to do in order to progress, who in the hell wants to replay the whole game again just to repeat the process?

All that said, hearing that Rafei and the gang seriously want people to complete this game should alarm everyone anticipating this game. There should be a goal of creating incentive to replay the game over and over, not have it beaten just so gamers can feel good about themselves for a few minutes and then move on to the next “fix”. The last thing Sonic games need is piss easy difficulty. Knowing the game will be easy, the developers will more than likely try to cram bullshit objectives into the game the make the journey longer. And this will not create a fun experience.

On the other hand, this is not a customer’s permission to make the game goddamned impossible to beat either.

Ok, long story short, I got blackmailed into playing this shit because some chick at my job… hates me. Eh… since I can’t keep my mouth closed, she figured out I write this blog, got pissy I dissed RE6 “without playing it“. Cause… you know, you’re supposed to eat poop to know it tastes like shit. And… she caught me in an act that shall remain a mystery to you all.

Seeing she wasn’t going to leave me alone, she pretty much shoved the damn copy in my face and urged me to validate my opinion for fear of losing my job. It is at this moment that I learned that women are evil and that maybe the catholics weren’t too crazy lumping them with a symbolic representation of satan.

Yes. RE6 is that bad. No, scratch that, this game is… it epitomizes everything that is wrong with this industry and multiplies it by 6…. times 3! It’s impossible to think that I might’ve played a game that is officially worse than Skyward Sword. The unthinkable has happened.

Not really an exciting crossover to be honest

Koboyashi shows just how to draw people into video games by opening up the entire game with a quick time event! How many you ask? 3! The first (barely second into the damn game), is lifting your unattractive female partner off her unconscious ass long enough to get inside a broken down building. The second… opening a door (this is a good MINUTE into the game!) The second… shaking off a random zombie that the game allows to capture you! The third? Piloting a chopper that’s gone out of control!

Wow! Now that’s how you open a game! Take the player out of the game by pressing random buttons as though they were watching a movie… or playing Heavy ass Rain! This is without a doubt… the worst thing you can do in the beginning of the game. If you’re a game developer and you’re thinking about stream lining a long running series for the sake of attracting a larger audience, this is NOT the way to go about it. Having QTE’s at the very beginning of the game gives the player a horrid perception of how the entire game will play out. Cause if you just make the person go through several tiny “minigame cutscenes” just to get to the next sequence, the player’s motivation to press through the game will be diminished. Who the fuck wants to play a game full of QTEs?

“But that’s just for the beginning! Surely, the majority of the game isn’t a bunch of QTEs”

……just from reading that, you know it’s the exact opposite. I mean goddamn, if there’s a QTE for you to fumble around a deserted car just to look for some damn keys, you know you’re fucked for the long run.

There are 3 stories centering around Chris Redfield, main character of the series, Leon Kennedy, the fangirl magnet that is only relevant because of RE4’s unwarranted popularity, and Jake Muller, white trash bastard son of Albert Wesker who looks… nothing like Wesker and is more akin to Donte from DmC who tries faaaar too hard to be cool. I mean picture this. He’s on a raft where he gets attacked by multiple enemies. What’s his comment at the end of the ride?

“That was a worse boat ride than the Titanic!”

Oh yes. You will learn to hate him and his shitty one-liners. A good majority of the time you just want someone to give him a kick in the ass. Unfortunately, that’s NEVER going to happen because you see… he’s the son of Wesker meaning he inherited Wesker’s overpowered super human abilities giving Jake more strength and agility than he needs, making him nearly as invincible as his daddy. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, he knows kung fu. You know what that means?

He’s the perfect asshole!

Damn I hate perfect assholes in games and television. Whether it’s the main character in Pacific Rim, Jack from Anarchy Reigns, or Ken Masters from Street Fighter, perfect assholes are the kinds of characters that are douches to everyone around them, but completely flawless in all of their categories. At the same time, we’re damn near expected to love their asses no matter how irritating they are. How fucked is my life that we go from one perfect asshole (Wesker) to this bastard?

Anywho, lets start with the story mode that was…. marginally less irritating but filled to the brim with QTEs. LEON! And his new bitch Helena Harper.

At the start of the game, we see Leon and Helena facing the President of the US… at gun point.

Handsome devil, ain’t he?


Head of the Oval Office became a zombie and Leon is forced to pull the trigger. A pivotal plot point that is ignored for the entirety of the game unless used by Simmons as a means to taunt Leon.

Afterwards, you go through the college where the President was apparently going to drop dimes on the US’s dealings with Umbrella…. or something. Here, I find the annoyance of having to traverse chairs and tables because apparently, Capcom thinks it’s ok to not let the player walk over tiny spots of broken chairs. At the same time, you’re trying to help random asswipe #1 find his daughter… only for said daughter to die on an elevator and turn into a zombie with worse acting than Keanu Reeves.

That’s what you get for taking a student loan!!!


After that, the heroes try to escape campus via a gate…. BUT FIRST… they need to find a key just to get out the gate. So instead of logically trying to find an alternative route like climbing over the fences just to get out, they go look for the fucking key.

So by now, we have had 2 missions, find a missing daughter and then looking for a missing key that is so far deep into the campus that it’s nearly impossible to find. Great! Fetch quests this early in! Once we find said fucking key, we break out and more zombies pop up, we end up popping them and then hurrying about to find a car. Now.. this part is stupid to the core. You’re in the car, right? Now we’re sitting here flicking the control stick in any and all directions (as the game prompts you to do without the specifics of what in mary fuck you’re supposed to be doing, btw) just to find the damn car keys! Oh yes, you’re gonna be looking for keys all over this game. Once you find the damn key, you get attacked by a zombie from a window… and if you’re playing Leon, you have to literally wait for your partner character to shoot the zombie off of you. This is important to remember. Depending on what character you choose for the scenario, you may have to literally fucking wait… for your partner to help you before you can progress with the game! So lets say you picked Chris instead of Piers Nevan (does that not sound like the most made up name you could think of?). In a final boss confrontation, Chris is grabbed while Piers has to slowly fucking crawl to a C-virus vial just to transform and save your life. Now I timed this… it literally takes a whole minute just for the game to progress after Piers finally gets his slow ass over to the virus.

Back to the car, once your partner has shaken off the zombie, you now have a QTE… to do as R.Kelly says and stick the key into the ignition…. and then to start the mother fucking car.

By this point, my patience and tolerance for idiotic game flow design had worn thin, and it felt like Capcom wanted me to burst a blood vessel. Why the fuck do I have to do so many QTE’s in one sitting? Oh, and here’s the kicker. Once you start the car, you travel about 10 centimeters just so you can crash into a couple of cars in the tunnel where a BIG ASS EXPLOSION occurs. Now you gotta get out and walk! Aint… DAT a bitch!? Not only did you survive a burning explosion that would normally kill anyone, you can still fucking walk! So… of the tunnel was that damn close to the campus, then me fiddling around with trying to find car keys and start the damn thing was a complete waste of time!

Ok so after that, Leon and Helena go through the streets and back alleys fighting their way through zombies in what felt like a proper Resident Evil setting. Surviving the streets against hordes of the undead. This is the least bullshit segment of the entire game, and as such actually set my expectations higher than they needed to be.








Then it all sucks when we find out after all the awesome shit, chapter 1 ends.

So… CHAPTER 2 where we’re in a cemetery… after the impossible of having Leon’s escape bus roll off a cliff…. and they miraculously survive again. It started to annoy me how these characters get themselves in amazingly impossible and dangerous situations and live to tell about them all.

So.. we traverse a cemetery where you got these… bone fucks walking around in the shadows. It’s a creepy part, i’ll admit. And then you got those bastard dogs as well. Man, I hate zombie dogs. They’re so fucking CHEAP! Anywho, after reaching the church where Helena desperately wishes to go for no specific reasons (yet), but then… another gate is closed and we must yet again find a damn key. Luckily enough, there’s a shack next to the gate where the key is stashed. BUT…. instead of the getting the key, one of those asshole zombie dogs jumps into a window and swipes the key in it’s gumline. Now, get this, we have to chase the son of bitch through the cemetery… just to get the damn key.

Now… of all the arbitrary ways to pad out the length of the game, they make you go through this shit whore of a process to continue the game!? Chasing a zombie dog… for another damn key. Once we chase the bastard down, we get the key and go back to the gate and open it…. only for some random zombie to knock Leon over a ledge and fall into a weird… area with several doors. At this point, I didn’t know what the hell kind of church has a garden with doors, or cared. All I know is this is one of those arbitrary sections that lock you away from your partner if only in some vain attempt to instill fear into you. Yeah, I’m looking into my insane pool of ammo shitting myself in terror.

After shortly being reunited with Helena, we go to the front door of the church, but the assholes inside tell me to kill off a certain number of zombies before letting us in. Now… here’s the part that tells you just how scripted this game is. There WERE no zombies in the area, but as soon as I try to get in, the zombies start FLOODING the place! Did they just hear the command or something?

Ugly bastards…

Inside the church, everyone is bitching and moaning about the “Apocalypse” coming while me and Helena start investigating, not giving a shit about what anyone else might see us doing, and we go about the church solving clues and mysteries that might lead us to… w/e it is Deborah wants.

…….And there’s a secret lair with statues that shoot arrows. Dafuq indeed. At this point, Capcom felt it necessary to slap in as many Resident Evil 4 references into the game in some poor attempt at invoking nostalgia by creating useless PUZZLES! So here, we’re in adjacent rooms for no apparent reason, where he have to shut off several statues that might shoot us with arrows… by walking over to them and pressing the switch on their bases. I can’t… for the life of me figure out what masochistic fuckwit thought this shit would be fun. But there’s about 5 waves of statues you simply have to run over to… and shut off.

After that, the game takes control away from you and turns your crosshair settings against your will. If you didn’t like the laser sights of RE4, well take your grief and like it bitch cause the game automatically changes the crosshair into the laser sighting. Why? Because well.. there’s mirrors in the room in which you have to burn with your laser sighting. Why? Well, to open the doors.

Then, after all that shit, you get to the roof to find a BAD ASS SNIPER RIFLE! …….And you have to use it to shoot five churchbells in order to open another passage.

At this point, they’re just shoving meaningless puzzles in your face while pretending that you’re supposed to care. And why does ringing five bells open up a new passage, by any chance?

Anywho, after solving more idiot puzzles, I finally uncover an underground passage. BUT WAIT! Instead, there is a giant monster made out of puffy titties.

This diabolical nipple creature blows out some strange blue gas that turns everyone in the church into raging zombies. So yeah, kill it with firepower! You will never look at Paizuri the same way again!

What was a moderately simple boss fight leads to an underground laboratory where we come to another puzzle. You have multiple doorways with numbers above them. And a machine with a code input. That’s right! Time for Resident Evil’s code puzzles! You have the ability to look in some of the doors and peak at what kinds of zombies are inside. It’s actually pretty cool in some instance, but it’s back to work. Unfortunately, the assholes at capcom scratched off some of the numbers above the doors, so you’re basically typing in random codes to open random doors.

Ok… first off, throw me a fucking bone. Now this game jerks me around with guessing door codes. If that’s the director’s attempt at “creating false tension” like Mikami used to do to dick around people, this is a poor attempt. This does nothing but piss people off by making them guess random numbers. Resident Evil should’ve moved beyond this BS by now.

After moving past the gay code guessing process, we move onto more labs, zombie dogs, stupid bridge puzzles, and the like, we’ve finally come to the secret that Deborah wanted to show us. A video called “happy birthday Ada”. They play the tape and see a cocoon where a NAKED ADA WONG hatches in her slimy glorious birth! See her slimy, silky skin as she pours all over the floor and…. yeah, thats some nasty shit.

The worst lap dance ever.

If you didn’t play the other story paths first, then you’ve basically spoiled the plot twist. They made an Ada Wong clone. WOW!

Then, we immediately exit the labs… and find some underground ruins. Yeah, now the game is just all over the place. First a church with mindless puzzles, then an underground lab, and now some ruins.

But… we managed to find helena’s sister. Yes, this was the person she was looking for all this time. We come to find out 2 things. She was possibly captured and held for ransom, and she’s got a phat ass. Damn white women stealing the black woman’s booty.

Anywho, a boss fight ensues as “Deborah” transforms into some weird slimy spider bitch, and what ensues is one of the most poorly thought out “action set pieces” to ever. Basically, the mines start collapsing around them, and at some point, the characters ride some out of nowhere mine cart that spirals “downward” near low level debris and…. yeah.

And… the whole game is like this, really. It’s just a bunch of random bullshit missions you have to suffer through until you get to the premiere boss battles that all end after several minutes of lame cutscene transitions, you get to short parts where you actually get to DAMAGE the fucker, and then move on with more cinematic hollywood dog shit that Japan seems to think is awesome. Then the monsters have these ridiculous designs that not even fans of Shin Megami Tensei, with all their fucked up tastes, could learn to appreciate.

And the story makes no sense in the long run. You never get a gist of what in the hell is going on. Ok, so there’s a “Neo Umbrella” that is supposed to be Umbrella Corps ressurection, but in the end, you find out it’s a feud between 2 scientists who have some unresolved sexual tension.

……..Yeah, I’m probably not making this up. Some bitch called Carla wants to kill Simmons for some non-specific betrayal, but the most I can gather is that Simmons and Carla were dating, but Simmons wanted Ada Wong’s ass, so Carla spread the C-Virus to implicate Simmons….. I’ve no idea what the fuck is going on, really. To me, the whole game’s story came out due to a lover’s quarrel. And We’re supposed to accept that as the next logical step in Resident Evil’s ongoing legacy of bioterrorism.

This combined with all the arbitrary puzzles shoved into the game simply to pad out 5 short chapters per character makes this whole game feel desperate. It’s cinematic and overwhelming amount of QTEs was tiring and made the game feel more like a choir than a game. It tried to be everything from Heavy Rain to Gears of War (especially with Chris fighting in Edonia). It tried to please everyone, but in the end, pleased no one, not even Capcom’s greedy shareholders. It is the very essence of creatively bankrupt.

Resident Evil 6 is truly the death of Resident Evil and of people’s faith in Capcom’s ability to deliver on the same thrilling chills of the previous titles. And it shows with their ridiculous desires to turn the series into a-

*plays revelations*

……….Holy nutballs, this game kicks ass!


As people get older and times change, I realize more and more that people wish that they could go back in time. Back to an era of good music. Back to an era of good films. Back to an era of cheaper gas. Back to an era of rational laws. Back to an era where it’s not hard to get it up. And for us folks… back to an era where our favorite franchises didn’t suck ass.

I can count off at the top of my head every game series I enjoyed that has turned to shit these days. So much content fluctuation has given me cranky gamer syndrome for days. It seems like every developer that gets a hold of a series feels some impulsive need to change everything people loved about these franchises out of some irrational desire to reintroduce the property to a substituted audience. Whether it be children or the lowest common denominator of people who watch anything that looks like a trainwreck because standards have been dropped through the fifth levels of the underworld, straight through planet earth and into the burning sun. And that’s really the thing that bugs me. It feels like people decide that a fan that has been with the series for years is no longer important. Once you graduate from high school, you’re nothing to people that have a need to sell. Sonic, Castlevania, Resident Evil, w/e it is. It’s like people within the entertainment industry get spooked when audiences get old so they go through plastic surgery to try and alter everything about a series just to appeal to a younger crowd out of the assumption that when you come out of the womb, your tastes in entertainment are automatically different than the shit your parents enjoyed. Everyone goes berzerk and do more harm than good.

NO! NOT I!!!

Then, I play Bomberman Ultra or w/e is on PSN. It’s at this point I realize that despite Act Zero’s…. nonsense, Bomberman has never changed. It is literally the only franchise in the world that has decided to stand it’s ground and not lose it’s identity in a misguided attempt at maintaining relevance. This is one guy that I’m sure everyone could call a trooper. The games rarely change their tone or general gameplay.

My first experience with Bomberman was actually on the N64 with …B64. It was an alright game, I thought the single player was a bore, but dat music was incredible. I think it was only the 64 games that had all the good music. But then, I got Atomic Bomberman on PC and I didn’t look back. The game was the tits! Each Bomber having their own color coded explosions, the kick ass soundtrack, all the silly one liner commentary (“YOU DROPPED A BOMB ON MEEE”)

Color coded explosions ruled

Bombs too

This was the shit!

I never really understood why everyone hates this game so much. Sure it’s more over the top and not as “cutsy” as the original games, but damn it was awesome! And faster paced.

After the N64 era, it seems as with every other franchise after Sony took over everything, Bomberman completely vanished. It was no longer on the radar. We’ve had a couple of games (Generations and Jetters, along with those handheld titles), Grand Theft Auto and the numerous racing games modeled after Fast and the Furious took everyone by storm. Now, EVERY game had to be that way or hit the highway. The whole “kiddy” label was running rampant in this generation. Any game carrying that name was a disgrace to gaming! It’s not so highly sought after like it is these days, it was an insult back then. It’s like how people seek to be fat and gay as it becomes fashionable. Vices of the past become fashions of the present.

Reason being is, of course, this.

As you can see, eyebrows ascended into the heavens.

So now you got mother fuckers going around proclaiming how awesome it is that things get “cuter”. It’s to avoid shit like Act Zero from happening again.

But regardless of Hudson’s desire to quickly make up for it in the form of Bomberman Live, it’s something they were able to live down but never recover from. It’s absolutely crazy how people would regard Bomberman as a significant franchise….. and yet there is NO discussion of it’s merit whatsoever. Nothing about the quality of the games in the series, strats or tips for games, universe consistency, nothing.

I’m in the mindset that Bomberman was never popular to begin with and is only significant to the hardcore, and here I am praying I am wrong. Afterall, the series is already marred by a lack of marketing as it is, people can’t come to what they don’t know. The only game that sold well in the series was Bomberman 64.

Weird, but awesome 90s advertising.

Here’s the thing about series that people actually feel are significant. One, people know the traditional gameplay format and actually enjoy it. I don’t know a single a person that despises Bomberman’s gameplay, but it sho ain’t the talk of the town. Aside from 64 and Hero, the gameplay could be said to have stagnated as it has not improved much after the late 90s. The most they have now are new gameplay modes that no one bothers with, and little stupid “play dress up with crappy cartoony costumes” gimmicks. To my knowledge, Bomberman Jetters was the last game to actually add a few new features to it’s battle mode such as new level features like setting off rockets on people or having weather effect bomb detonation times (weird) as well as character specific special attacks (Flame Bomber was so broken). Beyond that, though, there isn’t that much more you can do with Bomberman’s gameplay.

Other than that, no one really knows about the series content (does it have content?). The main character isn’t exactly anyone’s cup of tea.

……even Kirby looks cooler.

Do you know what the fuck he’s supposed to be? Alien? Robot? Apparently the latter, I think the first game was about a robot Bomber wanting to become human. I think that failed for the most part as he looks nothing like Lode Runner later on in the series.

Or maybe this guy’s the original, idk…


He’s supposed to have his own arch nemesis known as Bagular or something.

Aw shit. They took Robotnik and Wily and forced them to go FUUUUUUUUUUUUU… SION! HAAAAAAAA! And what’s dat monocle?

Yeah, this fat bitch has been in several games in the series, most notably Bomberman Hero. He had like a red gas mask on in that game.

Does he not look like a pissed off santa claus?

So it’s like… he just started shit for no reason. Got his ass whooped so much from Bomberman 94, Super B 3 and 4, Neo B, B Hero, B World, B Wars and B Portable. He was supposedly responsible for creating the original 5 evil bombers from Super Bomber 1-3 I think.

Shit, I don’t even know what the series is about. It’s mostly just a random collection of levels where you kill stuff and move on. Kill bosses and move on to the next area. I don’t think people actually like the single player modes (and I know damn well people hated 64’s, Generations and Jetters slow ass puzzle fests) After multiplayer was brought into the series, that’s Bomberman’s trademark. Single player should honestly be like Bomberman Hero without the puzzles… and vehicles. Using the old format of bombing enemies to proceed is far too slow a pace for anyone to care for several levels on end. It’s too damn repetitive. It’s probably the reason why the international versions of Bomberman Blast on the Wii has no single player mode to speak of.

At the same time, it’s gotta feel like hell when the main character you play is a normal bomberman with basic abilities, while your enemies are enhanced bombers with magnet powers, daggers, flight, giant green shield waves or w/e awesome shit they can muster. And the evil bombers look cooler to boot.

Man, Bomberman looks sooooo lame in comparison to his competition.

Not to mention just how badly they would kick your ass! I mean they were probably the hardest bosses to ever fight in any game, they would just wreck your shit with no lube!

Fuck Orion

I think the N64 games were the only ones with decent content in them aside from Atomic. The music was actually decent and it tried to be a cool series of games.

Even the villains were tight.

After that, though, Hudson went into lame land and started making the series childish again. They tried to capitalize off the success of Pokemon with a Blue a Red version called “Bomberman Max” and had their own rip off pokemon called Charaboms.

Sweet Ra….

Needless to say, those plans backfired since Charaboms were implemented horribly. Battles played out in “programming simulations” where you select 3 set of strategies (Attack, Defend, Special) and watch the battle play out. Essentially, they made it into a gambling match where you wing it in a 3 round literal rock paper scissors match.

They were rightfully ditched after Jetters, though, but to no avail, it did nothing for the series image. So afterward, the series started going into some themepark shit called “Bomberman Land” where the heads started becoming ovals as they’re “just cuter” and it devolved into minigame bullshit. And the bombers got even lamer.

He doesn’t even have the mean Yakuza stare anymore!

People didn’t even want to go near the series anymore. Actually, people just up and forgot it exists. The only time anyone paid attention was with Act Zero’s make over. But the one thing that strikes me oddly is that people don’t let shit go in the video game world. We are STILL hearing about Sega’s terrible fuck up with the Saturn. Sonic 06 is STILL bitched about even though even SEGA wants to forget it ever happened. Act Zero? Hey, it’s cool man, w/e.

That’s a sure sign no one cares about Bomberman. It’s been under-promoted and is given no attention by the media as far as games go. You’ll never find a more isolated franchise that people consider important to this very day.

At the same time, the multiplayer aspect doesn’t resonate with todays anti-social OCD ridden teenagers/hardcore. Bomberman really only works in local multiplayer, it’s a party type of game. The kicking, the screaming, the random nature and accident prone tendencies the series produces creates an atmosphere that turns anyone into a kid inside. Online is the dimension of incredibly anal tourneyf- … I mean players who stress the importance of superiority in skill above all else. Bomberman’s multiplayer hasn’t been suitable for tournaments since… ever. These folks strip games down to their mechanics habitually. Not to mention that there’s far too many games that appease the online desires that pervade the hardcore world that Bomberman can’t really compete.  I’m playing Ultimate MVC3 (yeah, I bought it) and this bitch is prompting me 3 fucking times that I am not signed into PSN! I ain’t trying to risk a seizure trying to play some asshole who won’t stop spamming Zero’s asshole combos. With an environment that is dedicated to the alpha male, Bomberman is not worthy. How many people are still playing Bomberman Live now? How many people bought Bomberman Blast? Ultra?

We’re fuckin lucky people still talk about Sonic these days. Or even Pac Man (Got a tie-in cartoon/toy deal too). Bomberman isn’t even on the map. It’s one of the more under-discussed franchises around. Has no real controversy, has no real fanbase to speak of, and has no virtual success beyond the digital realm apparently. How is it that people can go around and consider Bomberman to be a significant mascot…. when no one gives a damn about the series?

On the other hand, I suppose it’s a good thing. People can just up and play the games without losing sleep over some crap some asshole might’ve said over the internet about it’s gameplay. IF… they care enough to play in the first place.