Category: Platformers


Tales of the Borderlands should’ve just been a bunch of actual movies, not some episodic downloads of interactive movies. And I’m getting just fucking tired of Handsome Jack. If the rest of the Borderlands series is going to be about him, count me out.

I can’t imagine a more tasteless admission of defeat. Now all Sega needs to do is get rid of Mike Bollocks and we can have Robotnik being awesome again…. I think.

To hear that Boom has technical errors worse than 06 is surprising considering how well Sega’s been doing polishing their turds to fool people into thinking their games are worth anyone’s time. And Goddamn, you know a product is ass when a chunk of assholes don’t even stick around to finish it. It feels like Sega’s big merchandising plan is collapsing before retailers can get a single toy out of the deal. Namco got lucky. Hearing all the reasons for this massive turnover will be more epic than Sonic X-Treme’s development. Hell, even Sega knew the game was shit. If you have to stoop so low as to revoke what is essentially the right of free press to review your product… to avoid tarnishing your company’s image anymore than you already have, I don’t know what to say. Wait, yes I do. Congrats Sega, you’ve evolved from Dreamcast to Comcast!

So much for the fanboy’s BS on Ex-Naughty Dog folks being any good for Sonic. I would go far to say anyone who thinks the people behind Jak and Daxter have talent probably have no taste whatsoever, but that would be arrogant and I’m sure the amount of retorts would contain the words “Last of Us” because the people behind that game would totes be caught dead on a project like this. Would you trust Sonic in the hands of people that wanted to turn Robotnik some school boy nerd!?

Piss in me eye! Why are these even concepts for Robotnik in the first place!?

These are not the kind of people you would trust with anything resembling your childhood. I wouldn’t trust them with Bay’s rendition of the Ninja Turtles. Hollywood seems to be the only slaughterhouse that can get away with radically changing the appearance of iconic characters, and have no one bat an eye. This leads me to believe that in some dark part of the game industry’s psyche, they want to be more like Hollywood so they can make trash and do as they damn well please. I think games having such steep prices jolts a good dose of high standards in consumers that we haven’t reached a point where we sit back and allow some random jackass’s “vision” to get in the way of our entertainment.

But this is worse than I thought.

For a development team to up and say “fuck it” 6 months in advance and quit the project says a lot. They probably didn’t want their names to be tarnished just in case they get the opportunity to work on something they think is worth their time. Or something! Kinda creepy this happens right when I lose internet access…

So, it’s been proven that BRB and Nintendo are both unreliable in making a Sonic game, and Sega is yet again fixated on making money to notice. If western developers basically show no interest in developing a Sonic game, it shows how far the series has fallen. Many western devs still hold Mario games (even the shitty 3D ones) in their highest regards, but I bet no one wants to even mention Sonic in any of it’s incarnations. If we can’t rely on Nintendo or a Western developer to make a good Sonic game, then who can!? Don’t say the fan projects. Yes, they’re sexy and Freedom Planet looks damned delicious, but I’m talking people who are actually involved in the industry. All the talented people in the industry show no desire in Sonic to care about it’s quality. You will get more feedback about a Zelda game’s lacking quality than that of Sonic. The younger teams (like Ninja Theory and the like) seem to be a bunch of college idiots with all these wild visions of particular franchises that don’t at all seem to be particularly concerned with meeting or exceeding expectations. So we can’t rely on new blood either.

To drive that point further, the store I work at has a high turnover rate of employees, so I get to see lots of fresh faces in as little as a month. One particular coworker is a poor shmuck shackled with student debt. He’s also a nerd with poor diction. Breathtaking, isn’t it? Anywho, he’s one of the yahoos that’s an aspiring game developer who hasn’t had any time to work on his pet projects due to trying to pay off his debt. It’s hard not to feel sorry for the guy because it seems like he’s not going to ever get that dream job of his, and even if he does, it’s gonna beat his ass in the long haul. Even then, like most nerds, he argues about the potential of Boom being a good game regardless of all the issues presented. And this was before the game was released.

Of particular note, he felt that fans of the series were problematic and difficult to please, being as fans can be “picky” or overly demanding, and could cause the erosion of a particular series. At one point, he cited Dragon Ball as an example. The series kept continuing on into the Dreaded Cell and Buu sagas because fans wanted more when the series was supposed to end with Frieza. While I could sympathize considering I hated everything Cell Saga and up, blaming it on the fans is a red harring. Significant demand requires sufficient talent to meet the demand. If you’re not up to the task of meeting demand, pass the torch to someone who can and will.

Because of that situation, it’s probably best to never plan on an official “ending” to any series you make. You just might be forced to create more and more. Miyamoto never wanted to make another 2D Mario after World and was quoted as “making every game as if it were your last” in some dire hope of not having to be bothered again.

People are always gonna be passionate about a series they have a planned vision for, not when they’re simply told to make more and more crap for it. The quality will take a noticeable dip, but nah. That ain’t the fans fault. The company itself decided to make more shit. Therefore, it’s solely their responsibility.

But according to said nerd, it’s that people are “too had to please”. He is definitely not the kind of person you want in the industry. But we already have those kinds of people! That’s the fun part. And many of them happen to be a little too power hungry for anyone’s good. And since everyone is so hyper active in creating their own shitty versions of existing mythos, we can’t expect any good to come to Sonic from any external force. Again, Sonic has no business existing in this day and age. There’s too many cards stacked against it, and little to no hope of a recovery.

And I’m starting to feel like w/e good ideas the FANS on the internet have, Sega will just skim them and use them as some asshole selling point proclaiming that they “listened to fans” while creating a turd nugget of a product yet again. No one felt like Sega’s been pulling this kind of shit yet? Every time you get a certain amount of demand for Sonic to be a certain way, the immediate next Sonic game has “something resembling what fans asked for” but it turns out to be ass which further dehumanizes the fans and makes it seem like the fans don’t know what they want? Or is it just me? I mean everyone kept demanding a 2D Sonic game, Sonic 4 is shit, or Nintendo make a Sonic game and they kinda sorta did that with Lost Mind, then I came up with the idea of a western team to do Sonic right, and that blew over worse than anyone could imagine, it’s like Sega is creating false flags to crap over fans or something. Because the same company that was raking in dough from PSO2 would not be that stupid to constantly fuck up their mascot series.

 

I’m getting ahead of myself. I had been informed that some of those BRB members were fired midway through the project, possibly due to low funds. Which kinda makes sense seeing as not one of those ugly ass toys have arrived on store shelves yet. The other bunch left on their own accord. I don’t know how much Sega blew on this endeavor, but if they rolled bitches out that fast, either they lost faith on the project, rushed it to keep the deadline on releasing it with that stupid cartoon, or they wanted to desperately get out of this Nintendo exclusivity deal fast. “HERE! JUST PUT THE DAMN GAME OUT, THE SOONER WE GET THIS DONE, THE SOONER WE CAN ESCAPE THIS MAD HOUSE!” You’d have to be really suspicious of a corporation when they start trying to hide their products from reviewers. That reeks of them having no intent on fixing the series. It really is just a profit generating machine for them, and a really dodgy one at that. All this nonsense about targeting younger demographics, removing games from store shelves with bad reviews, and hiding review copies to keep people in the dark until the game comes out is dirty as shit. If anything, I can’t blame those BRB legions that left. Sega has become a real monster of a corporation. Their behavior since 2008 is no short of amazing and bewildering.

Still, no excuse to make crap designs and leave a game unfinished, but understandable to some degree. In either case, we can really say Sonic is doomed for any future game that comes out as it seems no company that exists has any vested interest in the series to crap out a decent product. And because all the real talent exists in the non-credential sectors of the globe, The only place a Sonic fan could call home is the PC. Kinda scary for a once Arcade Centric franchise to get personal

I really gotta work on better closing remarks. More and more, I’m starting to think back to that one guy who suggested copyright law be abolished. Sure, the only franchise that would benefit from that would be Sonic, but hell, we here in America like to think that competition is healthy for… some reason. Why not get rid of laws that exist only to protect corporate interests when they damn sure don’t care about OUR interests, rite? That’ll promote lots of competition! If companies weren’t such greedy pussies. I’d like to think Sega would step their game up if the fans were allowed to financially compete against them.

Oh Amma, I love this song

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Since I’ve practically run out of topics to talk about until that damn E3, I might as well give some insight on games that people should be playing on these HD consoles. Keep in mind, these are the only games you should ever give a damn about…. EVER.

And later on, games I thought were good, but I know you’ll hate anyway. And yes,  I tried to sound like “Honest Trailers”.

Hey kids! Tired of those action games that treat themselves like hardcore nut rides with stories that pretend to be the deepest piles of mess while still trotting out big tits in the form of serious, cocky or emotionally fragile women? Are you fed up with lists of crappy combos that you’re more or less required to learn to defeat only a fraction of the enemies in the game? do you tire of action games that remove any semblance of player choice in favor of living out the wild visions of their creators while still having some thought-provoking (read: pretentious) narratives!? WELL, KONAMI HAS THE GAME FOR YOU!

Imagine a game that allows you to make your own combos and attacks that are effective against enemies regardless of how you approach them… unless they’re boss fights. A game where stealth sections can be completely ignored because you’re too goddamn awesome for that pussy footing shit that Solid Snake and Sam Fischer have to go through because they aren’t bad ass cybrid ninjas! A game where you can awesome across streams of missiles, run down the side of a building, across a burning bridge, fly through collapsing sky scrapers, and mess someone’s suit up after midnight, and then… walk like you’re on crack because your character realized he’s just so goddamn awesome anyway! Metal Gear Rising is the game for you! If you want to truly feel bad ass with out the need of arbitrary and complex lists of useless combos, you won’t need to worry. This game is the REAL 3D version of Ninja Gaiden without the stupid mechanics of number 3…. and unfortunately without the motion controlled bewbs of the 2nd and 3rd game that totally made you feel all tingly down unda!

Meet Raiden, the guy everyone hated in MGS2 for trolling fans who wanted to play Solid Snake, and instead played a character that was meant to make teenage girls wetter than Robert Pattinson! Now he’s back in a last ditch attempt at making Raiden an appealing character! By making him ugly and “dark and mysterious“. Now he trades in his aaaaabs for cybernetic body parts and cybernetic high heels! Sound gay? Totally, but don’t worry, those are just for gripping his sword…. with his fucking feet! Homophobia has never felt so beast!

Feel like the world’s greatest bad ass until the game removes that option and makes you get beaten up by a Mexican. Jetstream Sam who is totally everyone’s favorite character. Journey across Africa, the Middle East, Russia, and America in order to uncover a government conspiracy that everyone is completely aware of. Wars are being started to restart the American Economy… or to bankrupt the American Economy… and burn it down? Who cares how stupid the plan is or why they’re kidnapping children from across the world to use them as future cybernetic warriors in a subplot that is completely ditched by the last half of the game, but gets more relevance than the “Deleter” sub plot from Metroid Other M! And if you’ve never liked Colossus from the X-Men, then it’s your lucky day as he’s the final boss, combined with a random bag of fire powers and fights like a Dragon Ball Z character! Holy nut balls this game is awesome!

METAL GEAR RISING: MADE UP WORD!

You have no idea how ironic it is that I’m listing this game. Having dissed it in the past, I am looking for the nearest shoe to eat it.

Get ready for a fighting game that has no learning curve whatsoever, but takes a little more effort than Tatsunoko vs Capcom, especially if you’re a fan of Zero (you little bitch)! Persona Arena is the game for you!

Created by the masters of Guilty Gear and… the retards of Blazblue, comes a fighting game with a little mix of both! Get ready for a move list so accessible, you won’t believe you’re playing a fighting game! Every special move is activated by Quarter Circles or just randomly mashing buttons! It’s the 2D Bloody Roar you… or at least I’ve always wanted! Based on the really shitty RPG series comes a game where the creators finally learned that RPGs suck, and fighting games are completely superior! If you’re a fan of Jojo’s Bizarre on the CPS3 emulator, then here’s a skimmed down version of it! A game with only 2 attack buttons and 2 Stand attacks, where every character has only one special move! Just kidding, but it will seem that way if you played Yu Naka… something!

Get ready for a fighting game that doesn’t take itself seriously and gives every character a nickname! Sister Complex King Pin of Carnage! The Protein Junky! The Snow Black!And The Beast in Heat! And I totally didn’t make that last one up! Prepare yourself for a soundtrack reminiscent of Capcom vs SNK 1 and 2, but only mass destruction stands out!

A fighting game that’s just as fast as Guilty Gear, with enough nuances to make a superior Blazblue game, and an inviting control scheme without the stupid shit developers do to “balance out” the easy to do special attacks. And a TEDDY BEAR as a fighting game character…. that totally sucks ass! And you should feel bad for playing him. Finally, a real Aksys game to tie you over until Xrd comes out for the West!

PERSONA 4 ARENA! Man, who knew an animu fighter could actually be fun for a change? And no real DLC schemes like characters on the disc? Who’da thunk it? Who would pay for sunglasses on their characters though?

Prepare for more irony! From the company that ruined gaming forever comes the game that surprisingly didn’t ruin the Marvel vs Capcom franchise!

Are you ready for a game that easily compensates for the cutting of awesome characters like Venom, Cyclops, and Gambit… with Dante, Docter Strange, and mother….fucking….Ghost Rider!? Then prepare for a fighting game that didn’t have the decency to keep Captain Commando and still not be disappointing! A game that is surprisingly just as fast as Marvel vs Capcom 2 while still making unnecessary changes like Spiderman’s Web Swing into a Dragon Punch motion! Get ready for a Deadpool so obnoxiously unfunny, it borders on destroying the character worse than Fox or Highnoon studious could hope to accomplish!

Get ready for Vergil, the villain that made you rage in Devil May Cry 3, to once again rage at how cheap he is… unless you main Felicia from Darkstalkers where you can troll everyone with her rising…. flying kick… move? The only real bad news is that Gay ass Zero returns from Tatsunoko vs Capcom to make your life a living hell once more! And Thor has a special move where all he does is talk shit as long as you hold down the button! A game that has half the cast from the Avengers, and X-23 for no reason except to have another Wolverine with bewbs!

So strap in to get over the confusing control scheme and get ready for more striker spamming action than ever before! With a Wolverine who’s dialog is awesome enough to contain “Swiss Cheese!”, and a Spiderman who sounds lamer than Toby McGuire! A fighting system so accessible, button mashing newbs can actually kick your ass worse than they would in Soul Calibur 5! And the game is still surprisingly fun as long as you stay offline… forever! Resist the annoying prompts and forever go local!

ULTIMATE MARVEL VS CAPCOM 3! Seriously, the on-disc DLC isn’t even available anymore to purchase? Way to go game industry. Now I have no way to access the content on my disc… period!

Pssh… I wish I would recommend this mug

Are you ready to punch foes into Red Mist!? Then get ready to NOT Joy puke your face off with that tedious ass sequel!

A first Person Shooter so by the numbers, it actually plays well, and the loot is actually good for once!

Meet Roland, the character that apparently got a stick up his ass in the sequel and became less funny. With a scorpio turret so broken, it literally destroys enemies faster than Mordecai’s stupid bird! With a dick so big, it attracts every white woman in the sequel, including his bottom bitch Lilith, a character with the creepiest face design ever, and devilish looking yellow eyes that stare into your very soul, and none of the male players would mind, the perverts.

Then, get ready to snipe with Mordecai, the arrogant expert who becomes a drunken retard in the sequel. And Brick, the berserker with a mouth who remained awesome in the sequel.

A game so forgiving, even dying is actually funny! Get ready for deserts, junkywards, factories, caves, more junkyards, more…. deserts, snowy mountain ranges with the most annoying aliens you’ll ever face off against. If you hated Claptrap, then prepare to love him and his entire entourage of lovable robots who cry in pain for your help, giving you nostalgia of Wall-E’s cute ass! DAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW…. isn’t enough to describe these woobee mother fuckers! Experience Scooter before the stroke happened, and marvel at how much better he sounded! Witness the awesome power of the Atlas Corporation that is in many ways inferior and superior to Hyperion like… having better human troops… and worse robot troops. General Knoxx, a character who could totally kick Wilheim’s ass, is the most hilarious Borderland’s character of all time!

Are you ready for a story that is non-existent or even intrusional? Then prepare yourself for more milder humor that doesn’t try to force memes onto the internet. Get ready for corrosive weapons that are so overpowered, you’ll wonder what Gearbox was thinking for nerfing the shit out of them for the sequel! You won’t believe your eyes when you can open up a locker and find legendary weapons that aren’t simply there for show! No! They… actually… KILL ENEMIES!

So strap in for zombies, way too difficult underground arenas, and the opportunity to kill Claptraps, you sadistic bastard!

BORDERLANDS. Better get the GOTY edition at a gamestop near you. Hehe, idiots.

Honorable Mention: MORTAL KOMBAT 9. If you don’t have this game, then in the words of Reggie Fils Amie “What’s wrong with you!?”. Unless you have kids. Sucker.

…But in all seriousness, these are, in my perception at least, the best games to get on this system. As far as genres go, you can’t go wrong with half the fighting games on the system, but MGR is a definite buy. Probably the only REAL action game that feels like a 3D NES Ninja Gaiden by far. Just without the annoying ass birds that knock you into cliffs. Or the cool fire powers. 😦

Now for the games that… I figured were good games, but have some nasty issues that keep me from recommending them on the basis that they are major flaws that should never exist considering what year we’re in.

Actually……there’s really nothing wrong with this game. Ok so there’s those marble puzzles, but this is probably the most flawless title on this system. The problem is… the game advertises a Crack in Time… and that’s the real problem.

Crack in Time isn’t a bad game in itself, but it is such a downgrade from Tools of Destruction, right down to it’s game engine. It doesn’t even feel like the same game, many of the weapons of previous titles have been removed in favor of “innovative” features like upgrades that no one cares about as these weapons will be useless later on in the game. Not to mention the puzzles in this game are 12 times WORSE than anything they had in previous titles. Praise Amma Insomniac allowed you skip them. I would have second guessed that White Jesus was a benevolent creature with this move.

Not to mention this was where the narrative for the series started going downhill. They had this interesting story of time travel stations and what not… but there’s a glaring flaw. Multiple times, the main characters travel through time rifts to solve problems in the present time, right? If Ratchet and Clank had the ability to go back in time on multiple occasions…. why didn’t they let Azerath or Azrael or w/e his name is… know that they could do this? It would’ve saved them the trouble of trying to stop him from destroying the very fabric of time itself simply because Azrael wanted to see his comrades… and even Ratchet was desperate to know what happened to his kind.

So…. WHY DIDN’T THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR OWN PERSONAL TIME TRAVELING ABILITIES!? Yeah, the game isn’t bad, but it’s a tad more frustrating in the logic department.

Now, considering this is my first actual entry into the series, I’m a tad biased. I’m a coop junkie at heart, so it’s hard for me to recommend against this title. But I absolutely have to. If you want to know why I am not digging Sonic Boom for any reason, this game would be it. Forced Coop Actions?! This game defined them. Imagine a game where 90% of everything you do is tied to your partner’s presence? Getting across long ledges with a “tether” gimmick, using a vacuum to shoots your allies across larger gaps, shooting your allies to switches (some being in limited time frames), having to shoot enemies in unison just to damage them at all, or even having to carry around a giant light bulb in a forest while another has to inevitably escort YOU through while you shine the light for them to see.

This is not true coop. Putting both players where they must work together makes the game feel mechanical and not at all organic. It makes both players feel like hamsters going through routine processes is not fun. The only element of the game in which this isn’t the case is in combat, but Insomniac managed to fuck that up too. You’d think you were playing Borderlands 2 with the amount of punishment these enemies can take. What this means is you wasting lots of ammo on bullet sponges, combined with ammo starvation all across the board = GHETTO RAGE! If you want to do anything more than tickle enemies, you pretty much have to use “coop bursts” where you shoot one enemy in unison with your partner, creating an effect where you both fire faster at the same rate, and then the enemy explodes doing MASSIVE DAMAGE… that isn’t worth shit. The other option is to buy the Critter Strike and upgrade that bitch to max levels so you can plow through enemies by turning them into pigs. This was the only way to easily progress through the game! So even player choice in weapon experimentation (an element that I damn well ADORED in this series) is revoked!

Still, it’s not an entirely bad game, just a very poorly designed one with neutered humor. No really, the game isn’t anywhere near as funny as the previous titles, and even feels like a neutered kid’s show on 4kids TV.

This is the main reason I bought the PS3. No bullshit. I mean… fucking Momiji man.

Ironically, because she isn’t good, I find myself using Zack and Hitomi more often while finding any means to make Lisa as nude as possible. She sho is built in this game. 😀

Still, I’ve never quite been a fan of DOA’s fighting system. Or rather it’s emphasis on the now-disorientating counter system. I hate situational moves and systems in any fighting game, so having one game where the entire point of the game is situational moves and counter systems is rage-inducing. Especially when almost every move characters have can put you in a stun state where you’re stumbling about like an asshole and being completely defenseless with the only actions available to you… is the goddamn counter system, or even mashing buttons to get out of your stun state (something you shouldn’t have to do). What this means is that this game really has no margin for error.

3D fighter devs have a nasty habit of overusing stuns in their games, and DOA takes the cake. Not only do you need to counter properly, if you do the wrong counter, you risk taking more damage than usual. And that’s the biggest issue of 3D fighters not named Bloody Roar. There is more risk than reward. DOA5 epitomizes the very worst of 3D fighting game systems to date, second only to Soul Calibur 5. The only redeeming really IS the tits this time! I’ve played earlier installments to the series and I don’t recall the fighting to be anywhere near this fucked.

It’s fun as a more laid fighter where you really just wing it, but trying to play “FoRealz” is not even an option.

Quite frankly, Brawl is not a terrible fighting game in itself. It’s a terrible Smash Bros. Like most Japanese developers (read AKSYS) who start believing that making “unique characters” creates a better fighting game experience, Sakurai jumped headlong into the innovation deadpool in some asinine logic where all the best characters are nerfed in order to showcase the craptastic innovations of Pikman, Pokemon Trainer (Squirtle is still awesome) and the retardation of Zero Suit Samus who’s access to this transformation is locked to items or a cheat code. Fuck Brawl.

Piss Station All-Stars tries to mitigate that. It… failed for the most part, but manages to be it’s own game in the process. For one, all of the goddamn characters are viable as long as you’re not a Starhawk or Jak and Daxter fan (sowwy Heat). Shit, even the burlap sack from the pretentious LBP series can kick your ass sideways.

This game would be fine if not for the fact that it literally advertises it’s on-disc DLC by making you fight the locked characters in arcade mode, as well as locked costumes to be shown off. How obnoxious can you get Sony? It’s like taking someone’s lunch money and then running down the hallway screaming about how you robbed someone of a cheap lunch. People are fed the fuck up with on-disc DLC and they go right the fuck ahead and openly admit they are ripping you off. Well that’s service after the sell, tell me straight up that you want more money and no complaints.

Even after getting over the paywall nonsense, you have an online community that is easily one of the most vile hives of scum you’ll ever meet. They make Sonic Stadium look dignified. Here’s a bit of advice, don’t play this game online unless you are Japanese because if you do not demonstrate perfection in combos and mind games or what not, you will be completely ostracized by it’s deluded community. There’s nothing worse than a nerd… than a nerd with high expectations of other people to be good at a video game. I wish I could say “I’m not playing this game to live up to your ridiculous standards of how good I should be especially since most of you cocksuckers can’t deal with my spammy ass Ratchet” but will that solve anything? Hell no. Online gaming has never felt anymore alienating than in this game, and even the asshole community can’t compare to what is easily the worst thing about this game.

Fuck Cole. Easily the most overpowered son of a bitch in this entire game, this guy redefined the term “White Devil”. Infinite stun lock exploit!? Easiest character to build meter with!? And they nerfed Jak!? Sony been sippin on Yak! I’ve never met a character that felt so impossible to defeat since Zeus on Piss Station All-Stars! This guy can suck 20 asses through coffee straws.

Being the resident “Classicfag”, a title I wear proudly, I can safely say that after many complaints that have arisen from Sega’s inability to “get it”, this is quite frankly the first time they’ve ever “gotten it” in years. Sonic 4 Episode 2 easily rectifies many of the previous game’s complaints such as poor level design, bad physics and enemy placement, as well as gimmicky levels like LIGHTING FUCKING TORCHES, and creates a game that is much closer to the Genesis games than anything that has come out prior. We can all say that Sega has finally listened to their fans for once… only to shortly cancel the fucking S4 series in favor of appeasing Nintendo. Is listening to the fans is such a bad thing for this company that they have to immediately shift gears away from gaining consumer trust for corporate trust!?

Whose side are you on, Sega!? Afterall,the reason you canceled the Wii version of Episode 2 was because of memory restrictions, and I come to find this game is really no bigger than Episode 1. There’s still only 4 goddamn levels and one crappy DLC where you play as Metal Sonic…. THROUGH EPISODE 1! WHAT HORSE SHIT! People hated Episode 1, why in hory fuck would you make DLC based on Episode 1!? Infact, why not just combined both games into one so we can get a complete game to sell on a retail disc!? Who the fuck wants Episodic games?

The biggest problem with Episode 2 is it’s length. Nobody likes short games anymore, or at least games that have no replay afterward. Making traditional Sonic with only 4 zones is an insult. And the music is still ass. Yes, this game is the only real time that Sega actually gets what their fans have been bitching about, and it’s also the only real time we get a true glimpse at how little they cared either way. And it’s still a better game than Sonic Advance 3.

…………………….It’s Dynasty Warriors, you do the math.

K. Done.

1.

I’m assuming people want my take on this seeing how the last post got taken over by it. First thing’s first, Game Theory is an irritating youtuber who’s “theories” aren’t even realistically sound. For one, he had made a video in which he tried to prove that Super Mario was faster than Sonic… by using a PORTION of SMB1’s 1-1 level and judging Mario’s speed in reaching this PORTION of it…. while comparing to the amount of time it takes for Sonic to reach the end of Green Hill Act 1. The WHOLE fuckin act, I might add. 1-1 is, by all, a very short level while Green Hill is already lengthy.

But ignoring that, he’s made a video that’s preaching to the choir. People have known that innovation does not sell ever since the Gamecube bombed. People are aware of it considering the amount of pissing and moaning people have done over Call of Duty (mainly, the Nintards). The problem with the video is 3-fold. Number 1, he implies that the world of the internet is not aware that their tastes are in minority opinion, so the only people he’s talking to is the Nintendo fans… which is a pointless endeavor because as long as one game makes it over the 1 million mark (Epic Yarn), then fuck all the facts, PROFIT WAS MAED! We don’t know how much to make a difference to Nintendo, but it’s good enough for those assbites to win their pointless debative crusades against “da haters“. There’s no point to explaining shit to Nintendo loyalists no matter how many facts you pull up. If people like BlackB0nd have trouble getting anything through their thick ass skulls, then a guy with a million subs (which he flaunts as if to establish his credibility) isn’t gonna make any difference.

Number 2. If you’re gonna tell Nintendo fans the truth that breaks the camel’s back, don’t puss out and start praising Nintendo for their past history. There’s NO data showing how influential their “innovative” motion and touch screen controls are. After all, that’s why every limp dick fuck that watches this video keeps praising it, yet there’s nothing about them innovative controls.  The Wii’s best selling games are majority-wise the ones that don’t emphasize the motion controls and are just decent games. Yes, Wii Sports/Fit are titles that baffle the fuck out of everyone, but looking at Brawl and NSMBW, even NSMBDS, the innovative controls have never been necessary in the first place. Just admit it. Innovation in ALL sectors don’t sell people (often). How in demand are innovative control schemes? Instead of looking on the internet and assuming innovation sold Wii’s and Nintendo games (a contradictory fact), you could poll some assholes on the street to get real information.

Going  step further, there’s nothing innovative about motion or touch screen controls in the first place. Shit like this has existed since the goddamn Power glove. Nintendo basically took advantage of it and made video games a little “cooler”. Driving controls with a motion controller isn’t innovative, but it feels smooth as hell. I can’t even look at Sonic Racing Transformed the same way as it’s prequel on the wii. Where they started fucking up was making certain game inconvenient by making titles like Skyward Sword and Metroid Corruption WORSE.  The point still stands that innovation doesn’t sell. Praising the Wii for innovating and “changing the industry” is a bald-faced lie. And again, I can’t help but wonder if this was mentioned just to deflect any criticism he might/will get from the religiously over-zealous nintards that will watch the video.

Number 3. Why thank you! As borderline retarded shit head, I was previously unaware of what football is. What kind of condescending asshole thinks that’s funny?

I think this video has gotten enough unwarranted attention.

2.

With my righteous and furious anger of Resident Evil 6, I had originally proclaimed to never again look to Resident Evil for survival horror. Unfortunately, my will is not that strong and even after Mikami left, I am still RE’s bitch. So hearing the hype around Revelations, I decided to pick it up and am fucking glad I am still it’s bitch. Revelations is fucking gooooooooood!

The most amazing thing about this title is that it is completely free of quick-time events! Now if that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is! Though I suppose being a handheld port, there be some perks to that aspect. I suppose Capcom figured Nintendo fans were “pussies” that couldn’t handle QTEs or something. But w/e, I’m happy as hell. Secondly, the game’s controls are actually good for once. Yes, it’s that same RE4 turd person element, but it actually feels improved. Unlike RE6’s weird ass control set up, your character’s movement while aiming is quite fast and smooth where as with 6 it was slow and clunky.

Other than that, melee attacks while not in aiming mode have been vastly improved. Instead of these slow attacks, your character has very quick attacks that have no hit stun but provide damage while you can move at the same time. Not to mention there’s no… fucking… STAMINA meter to look after! You can melee to your hearts content…. unless your enemies have quick mobility.

But the most important thing is that the game is actually scary. Not since RE3 has the series given me quite the shivers and tension that RE was known for up until now. Since then, I’ve been playing the games for story which is a bad thing. Story should not be the sole reason to play any game or else you might as well be watching youtube. This game, holy shit, all the moments I screamed “FUCKIN ASS” when some scary shit popped out had to have been a record.

The environments are also highly reminiscent of REmake’s mansion in regards to the residential cabins on the ship. There’s also a casino… for some reason. Basically, story is a ghost ship where Jill is tasked with investigating as well as trying to give the player a boner given the cleavage shot and tight swim suit that she wear for the whole mission just so we can see that she stole dat African booty as well.

Stupid Sexy Valentine!

Unfortunately, the game’s not perfect. While at first the game boasts what we’ve come to expect from Resident Evil games, ammo starvation and all, it goes into bullshit territory by requiring you to empty out your ammo reserves just to move on to the next area. Yes, the controls are actually suitable for combat for once, but that does not mean you make combat oriented challenges in the game. Sometimes in order to survive, you AVOID enemies. Plus,there’s lots of swimming involved, and I’ll be the one to say that swimming in 3D games have never been fun, but for some reason, developers are enamored by swimming in 3D. As if seeing underwater environments with ass controls are some sort of godsend. And the puzzles are still here (such as needing to turn on/off 3 different valves in 3 separate areas). Otherwise, if you need an RE fix, you can’t go wrong with Revelations. I assure you, you won’t be dissappointed, especially if you came off of RE6.

3.

Dumbass wants to make MOAR Nintendo DLC for Sonic’s Lost Mind.

I think this confirms that Lost Mind isn’t made for any audience and is simply a game that satisfies only Iizuka and Nintendo’s own tastes.

“Sonic Lost World is a title that only released on Nintendo hardware, which is an opportunity that I couldn’t believe, collaborating together. This time, the appearance is interesting, as combining Sonic into such a world is extremely foreign, and I wanted to aim at the unexpected.

“The team says that the music, sound and songs of The Legend of Zelda were entertaining to try and re-create and is now interested in working on more levels that allow it to collaborate with Nintendo.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or shit vomit. If anything proves how anti-consumer Lost Mind is, it is the DLC’s that do not fit within the context of Sonic the Hedgehog. Lets be frank. No one in the world wants Sonic to promote Nintendo’s bullshit. Not anymore at least, but this nutless moron sees a “creative opportunity” to make more Nintendo DLC. The dipshits who supported this out of some asinine desire to “show support for the company” aren’t even taken in consideration when these assholes are making the decisions. When people bitch and moan about how awful this assimilation is, what does Sega do? They want to make MORE of it! Great job, Nintendo! Not only was Sega bad at business decisions, you’ve poisoned them with your “in your face” attitude in lacking empathy for the customers and instead drown themselves in their own desires.

A company that moderately listened to their fans has now eaten the forbidden fruit of a company that has lost all motivation or desire to serve their customers. No, lets shove MORE shit that people don’t want into the series because YOU like it, and that makes it ok.

Iizuka and the rest of Sonic team has no idea they’re fucking the pooch by doing this. They’re offended by BRB’s retarded boom designs, but they find no problem shoving Nintendo IPs into Sonic and further destroy the franchise’s identity by assimilating it into games of a company rival!? When does the stupidity end!? Sonic was promoted as a Nintendo killer! That has been one of Sonic’s core trademarks since it’s conception. The other being speed and attitude. You’ve removed the attitude, you’ve removed the speed, and now you’re removing the will to compete against Nintendo.

Great job assholes, you’ve officially killed Sonic the Hedgehog.

You can’t blame this on Sonic Colors. No, you need to throw fire at that Olympics crap. That’s where this mess all started. All because Sega wants that Italian sausage.

Enjoy it while you can, you punk bitch.

Listening and reading every interview on Sonic Bomb reads like a script for a comedy as these doorknobs make every single mistake a game developer makes this day in age. If not the redesigns and their moronic reasoning, it’s the gameplay gimmicks. If not the gameplay, it’s the intended audience. If not that, it’s the ridiculous mess they spew in interviews like “splinter groups”. One after another, my hopes are dashed in an instant as these devs jump headlong into 1996 where stupid ideas start cropping up for the sake of showing off 3D effects.

But the one that gets me is the comment of “wanting kids to be able to finish the game”. That’s the absolute worst thing you could want. While obnoxiously lamenting that people who want a challenge have to do other things aside from the main game (sounds like Klonoa’s stupid tower).

Forgive me if I give off the essence of a gaming elitist who believes in Ninja Gaiden levels of BS ridden challenges, but these things contributed to the replay value of a video game in ways most people wouldn’t guess.

Video games can really take you places. More so than a book could. Reason being is obvious. A visual aid can give you clear details of these places you are venturing into. Sure, it’s nice to use your imagination to visualize how the place looks, it’s much more accessible to see how things look and feel.

That said, when you find a game that has incredibly interesting places, then you are instantly spell bound. You have the innate desire to dig deeper and explore it’s vast world.

As I’ve said before,  people have a desire to travel and explore the world. if you don’t have the means or the funds to do your own traveling, you rely on the media to give you your fix. Movies and television do a decent job on their own, but to get a first hand experience, you’d need to actively participate in the exploration aspects. IE, YOU need to actually be present in that world. As such, video games do their jobs much better by taking you places.

Think about all the marvelous (read: Generic) looking worlds in Sonic Bomb that we’ve seen thus far. Most have agreed that despite being unfitting, they are some vast pieces of work that people want to dig into once we see more of it.

But in order to really bring out your inner explorer, there have to be obstacles in place. This is why “challenge” is actually important. Not for gamers to stroke their mega lo-maniacal  egos, but to push you into wanting to see more of the game’s worlds…. more than usual.

“Man, I can’t wait to see what the next destination is! Uh oh,  boss fight”

*hours later*3

‘FUUUUUUUUUUUUU- I WANNA SEE MORE OF THIS GAME! STUPID TOUGH BADASS BOSS WITH HIS CHEAP ARMORED MISSILES!”

People would be desperate to find out the next chapter on their journey. Game developers know this which is why they create gorgeous looking environments time and again (unless it’s a game on a nintendo console, apparently). Unfortunately, developers are incredibly ego driven fools who want people to simply marvel at their work. And you can’t marvel at anything when you’re stuck at some boss fight. So instead, the devs coddle people with very easy difficulty in which a baby could progress without hindrance. Then again, they wouldn’t have a choice otherwise considering how much of a hinderance  3D gaming is, but that’s aside the point.

This creates big problems, why? Because when you have legions of incredibly easy games, gamers go through the process of which they burn through content. When this happens, gamers start ending up with games that take up shelf space faster than dust rats. Why is that? Could it be the lack of places to explore in a game?

Outside of puzzle games, sports games, maybe fighting games and FPS’s where the main goal is competition (not to mention being the main genres that seemingly sell the most these days), you would be hardpressed to find any game that is worth your time anymore. Many games that are designed around the element of action or adventure are usually short-lived experiences now. Oh the games might be long, but their length isn’t attributed to REAL length, IE things not created arbitrarily just to artificially lengthen the game, mind you. But when you eventually get through the game, you realize that it’s really over. There’s nothing more to explore. No hidden worlds to seek. When you remove the amount of worlds to explore, the incentive of replay value diminishes greatly. So when you have a game that is built to be easy, what you are doing is creating no incentive to replay the game. No real drive other than a second playthrough with minor bells and whistles.

Speaking of artificial length, do you know why that happens so often in video games? It’s to offset the REAL game lengthening factor which is the challenge factor. Game developers (and modern gamers) these days believe that a LONG game is an aspect of quality. Many people will note today that games feel much shorter than they used to be. The nerds of today will often criticize old games for being ridiculously short only to be lengthened by their sheer difficulty, but that has always been a beneficial factor of a game’s longevity, not it’s vice. Because people actually had to practice and get better at the game in order to progress. As long as they have the drive (and the obstacle doesn’t seem impossible enough), the gamer will actually LIKE this manner of longevity. Instead of that, however, we are given a million mindless tasks to complete in order to offset the length of the game. Locked door? Find 3 key codes. Giant plant monster can’t be beaten by normal means? Run back to several areas to find ingredients to poison it. Elevator locked down? Find someone’s personal chopper and destroy it to piss off the elevator’s personal operator… or something. These things feel like a chore that no one ever wants to revisit for any particular reason. When people are given a shopping list of objectives to do in order to progress, who in the hell wants to replay the whole game again just to repeat the process?

All that said, hearing that Rafei and the gang seriously want people to complete this game should alarm everyone anticipating this game. There should be a goal of creating incentive to replay the game over and over, not have it beaten just so gamers can feel good about themselves for a few minutes and then move on to the next “fix”. The last thing Sonic games need is piss easy difficulty. Knowing the game will be easy, the developers will more than likely try to cram bullshit objectives into the game the make the journey longer. And this will not create a fun experience.

On the other hand, this is not a customer’s permission to make the game goddamned impossible to beat either.

I play black dude. Die like BITCHES!

Despite my furious anger at Gearbox, I still had an inkling of interest in the Borderlands series and wanted to check out the first game, so going by their greatest fears, I had found a GOTY version in the used games section of a Gamestop. Despite all the hype surrounding the whole “first game better than last” syndrome of the fandom, I stood my ground that I was going to hate this game with extreme fervor. As an FPS developed by these scoundrels, it is impossible for-…….holy nutballs, this game is FUN!

It was almost inconceivable. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to find so many legendaries in such a short amount of time. It was also amazing how the weapons were actually USEFUL! In BL2, I was constantly bombarded by living bullet sponges who could absorb everything that wasn’t a perfect critical shot. The game was utterly ridiculous with it’s enemies pumped full of a wretched amount of health and defense. If you weren’t playing a sniping based Zero, your odds of survival were dramatically decreased. And obnoxiously enough, the game had the nerve to toss in enemies with virtually no weakpoints (Big Game Hunt especially) so you were destined to fight a losing battle.

BL1? There’s no pressure at all to find weakpoints. Enemies seem to go down pretty quickly given your accuracy remains stable enough. Certainly, the enemies can still whoop yo ass without much effort (I’m dumbfounded by how ducking behind a rock still can’t protect me from getting nicked), but at the same time, they have very little health to fight with in the first place. Amazingly enough, I’m using some low level weapon I found early on… in the final boss fight! In BL2, you had to immediately ditch w/e weapon you found for another as soon as you go up a few levels in order to  remain competitive against your foes. But in BL1, anything goes. Just use w/e you have at your disposal and not worry so much about stats and more so about strategy! Some of it gets real abusable too.

I LOVE THIS DAMN THING!

The packed in DLC levels didn’t hurt either. Though most of them are quite disappointing, they re hilarious. General Knoxx getting pissed that he took orders from a 5 year old and kept bitching about it while sounding like an elderly Brock Samson from the Venture Brothers was gold. That doesn’t even begin to explain the better menu screens. Barely any lag in coop? Non-disorientating skill tree menu? Easier to find mission log? HELL YEAH!

What a FUCKING relief!

Then there’s the little things such as equipping character skills with different elements. If I wanted the turret or Bloodwing to be on fire or acid, VOILA and thats the fucking end of it! But noooooo, in number 2, the siren gets those perks! The only thing I could piss and moan about was the lack of corner maps to help find out where to go next, the lack of tangible story and how every environment is exactly the same damn barren wasteland/cave/junkyard, and how incredibly short it is, but if that’s the price for a more entertaining and fun ass game, so be it.

BL2 is, at this point, wasted potential. With all it’s bells and whistles, it’s ultimately buried under a pile of bullshit. Lame jokes trying to force memes on the internet (Catch a RIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!), horrid drop rates for any decent weapon in a game where legendary gear is damn near a necessity for most cases, where you’re swamped with “Super Badass Loaders” at every occasion, the game is a complete chore to play in comparison to BL1. It feels like what Capcom did to RE6 and tried WAAAAAAAAAAY to damn hard to make it all “epic” and shit while making it such a drag that it comes crashing down on it’s own self-congratulatory vapid banal ego-driven content. BL1 is nowhere near as obnoxious as it’s sequel. Handsome Jack is still one of the best damn villains in gaming, though. Not to mention it’s actually what I wanted. A kind of Mad Max setting where you’re tearing through assholes trying to look for treasure, not some lame ass “resistance against the big bad corporate dictator” story that always seems to end up the same way in every plotline people come up with.

Unknown jackoff knows of corporation, doesn’t give a shit.
Corporation tries to kill said jackoff for non-specific reasons
Jackoff finds resistance and joins in because justice and… shit.
Jackoff and resistance does well for now.
Jackoff unintentionally leads corporation to the resistance hideout
Resistance is crushed and the leader’s (or significant person) life is now in danger. Jackoff initiates plan to rescue said leader
Jackoff defeats corporation in the process and saves the world.

Yeah, maybe not exactly the way it happened, but most of those details are damned accurate. At this point, it begs to be asked just how widespread this issue is cause I can’t be the only mother fucker in the known universe that sees the unmitigated shitstorm problem of why sequels are not living up to the expectations set by the first installments of their franchises. It is insane just how much disappointment I see in fanbases all across the board. Even the COD fanboys are just about tired of Activision’s bullshit. And damn sho, I’m tired of being disappointed by sequel after sequel where I’ve come to find that the devs or publishers schemed to completely fuck up some of the best franchises of all time, not just fucking them up, but destroying legacies by the dozen.

The utter banality that is the continuation of any franchise that started sometime in the 90s is literally impossible to escape, and it even seems that younger series that got their start in the 7th generation have already  gotten devs and pubs scheming to destroy their products with utter greed. We’re talking about an FPS/RPG hybrid that was completely fine in the first installment, but then some hippie asshole comes up and says that “our happiness is not profitable“! Afterall, in the religion of capitalism, keeping people in a state of anxiety and despair equates to creating demand for rampant DLC practices! So lets completely fuck up the damage scaling and make damn near every weapon you receive completely useless so that you’d be desperate enough to buy some Hunter upgrade pack just to be able to get through…. yet another unbalanced difficulty mode! And what would the reward be? Well, a collection of more useless fucking weapons! Well done!

Businesses that sell you things you actually need could get away with nickel and diming you for shit services because in your mind, you will actually need these services to go about your daily life. Junk entertainment is nothing you need at all. The crazy fucks in the industry, however, think they can get away with the same practices. Which is unfortunately working at the moment, seeing that most of the gaming public is now too terrified to leave their houses and buy things in a physical medium so that they have a semblance of ownership over their purchased products. So instead, everything is digital, even access to half the shit already on the CDs! Why is it that I can’t gain access to fighting game characters that are already on the game Netherrealm, Crapcom, Sony, etc? Afterall, 2 of these asshole factories had the nuts to release special editions with access to all the characters on the damn discs anyway.

Apparently, the game industry has gone MIA from the sanity department and jumped straight in a water filled with Great Whites as they ceaselessly destroy sequel after sequel in either an attempt to cheat you out of your money or to share a new “creative vision” that is in complete opposition to the wishes of the audience for no other reason than to attempt what could be considered selling teabags to customers who asked for Starbucks quality coffee! In no other entertainment industry have I ever seen a bunch of artistic douchbags imitate the insurance industries by fucking their customers over and over again while still expecting them to pony up for the impromptu involuntary ass fuckings.

None of this speaks louder than Nintendo’s desire to shove in as many assist trophies into Super Smash Bros. 4 in some vain attempt to apologize for not doing the logical thing and making some of those awesome assist trophies playable fucking characters! Have you seen most of the announcements for new characters come from the alternatively named pokeball characters are people who we’d actually prefer to be in this game over the Wii-fit assholes and the Village Idiot? Who’s that chick from Kid Icarus? I mean the last thing we need is a character worthy of being playable! No, lets shove that unholy bitch into statue format, and the audience had damn well better appreciate the fact that she’s at least given some “recognition” because…. in the depths of our own psyhosis, that’s all the nerds really care about! We saw it on GoNintendo.com, it must be true!

Start the water works!

Here’s a idea for you Sakurai, if the overwhelming amount of assist trophies are much cooler than the current roster you have for Super Smash Bros. then you have a problem and need to take your bitch ass back to the drawing board. Words cannot describe how utterly pissed I was when Lyn was announced as a goddamn trophy! Afterall, I needed more than just 2 piddly reasons (Ike and Sonic) to make up for the loss of my Mewtwo and the severely massive nerfs to some of the best characters (IE my Fox, Ganon and Mario) if only out of some misguided attempt to keep the game out of the hands of tourneyfags because you simply don’t adhere to their philosophy of playing to win. I don’t care what the reasons are. The assist trophies are a stupid addition to the series and only serves as an excuse for Nintendo to not do extra work on making more playable characters. Balance, you say? There’s no such thing in the world of fighting games! Either make them playable or keep them in the trophy menu.

Of course, I should expect no less from Japanese developers. These assholes would prefer nothing more than removing all semblance of player choice in video games altogether if it meant you playing the game the way they envisioned with no regard for your entertainment whatsoever. The Pokemon games could vouch for that with the amount of ways to obtain one pokemon vastly reduced to a limited and tedious process like Honey Trees or by trading with other people who may or may not have the Pokemon you desire. Or how about Resident Evil 6 with no regard for your desire to retrace your steps back to previous rooms in a game and have the mother fucking gall to place invisible walls in an auditorium so the only thing you can do is jump over a guard rail to initiate a fight against a mother fucking zombie T-Rex. Really crapcom? No wonder the gaming public ripped you a new asshole over the set piece ridden world of Resident Reposeful.

And the Jake and Sherry Campaign was the WORST fucking part of the whole title!

 

If it’s not the games that radically change all the elements of a game to fit their business or creative desires, it’s the sequels that change nothing but exemplify the WORST aspects of their prequels! What was the point of paying for Rayman Legends or NSMBU other than to have a graphically super version of the vanilla editions? This is laziness of the umpteenth degree! Not only does Rayman Legends not improve on anything Origins did, it also adds in little obnoxious bullshit gimmicks like Murfy so that you can solve puzzles while running away from a 1-hit kill firewall in a scripted running segment. I’ve never seen such disorientatingly horrific game design like this since Mega Man Network Transmission. There’s just some shit you cannot do in 2D platformers to rival 3D platformers in any way, what would you need to do so for? 2D Platformers are automatically superior by way of not needing to fiddle with the fucking camera, but you expect me to treat it like a 3D platformer by handing me 20 trillion smurf looking fuckers to find just to unlock, are you ready for this?…….. character skins. Not even cool ones, just a bunch of random shitty skins like “Lol character swapped color palettes”. That’s the best you can give me for a bloated fetch quest!? How about one of those hot bitches you took out from the last game being playable characters!? That’s motivation enough! Then again, I can’t imagine why I would bother unlocking them anyway, the main game is done and over with and as anti-climatic as that final boss was, it wouldn’t be worth the sex appeal anyway.

Holly Luya indeed.

Amma knows I was just about sick of Namco’s ass fuckings when concerning the state of the Soul Calibur franchise bursting it’s bubble of prosperity almost immediately after SC2 gave Zelda fans an actual Link that was so badass, he could rival the entirety of the SC cast just by having the strongest set of lungs in the world. Hey, here’s a grnd idea! Lets remove fan favorites like Kilik, Sophitia, Taki, Talim and hell lets toss the token nigga in the mix… and replace them with some bitch with a crystal ball and claws! It’s such a genius idea to invoke so many animu tropes in a game that was nearly void of any of that bullshit simply because, like every other japanese developer in the world, and focus on those goddamned otaku shit stains that aren’t even considered worthy of the air breathe! I can’t have Kilik because a monkey with a tapeworm is just that much more Kawaii to you asswipes? If I had to hear one more deathcry from him yelling “FOOOOOOOOOOOOD” for no other reason than to exaggerate his non-comical eating disorder, I will shit chain saws.

Lets not forget the idiocy of making Guard Impacts completely special move based and as complicated to remember because “we at Namco don’t value the absolute necessity for seasoned fans to get into a sequel because we want every game to be “unique” or some retarded shit” and then have the nerve to make guard impacts completely dependent on 2D fighting game logic of needing a goddamned fighting guage to activate the techniques. If SF3 Turd Strike necessitated super gauges just to pull off a single parry, the assholes at SRK would never ride the game’s nuts as much as they do. Soul Calibur is already far too lenient on button mashers in which the window for pulling off GI’s are too small now for some reason, now you remove their importance entirely for the sake of what fucking reason!? To make it “accessible” to newer players that DIDN’T buy the game anyway? Sure, we could take the bullshit about the game being rushed, but there was absolutely NO good reason to change the commands for character moves a SECOND/THIRD time in a row, or remove characters, turning Kilik and Sophitia both into mimics while also putting in Weapon Master making a totaly  of 3 different mimics, or making GI’s absolutely worthless and non-existent.

Soul Calibur 5 wasn’t rushed, it was made by some asshole on the Tekken team that wanted to literally kill the franchise if only so that he wouldn’t have to work on 2 different fighting games at one time. Nothing says this more than the inclusion of a “Devil Jin” soul in the CAS mode. Shameless promotion? Oh fuck no, this is Japanese passive aggression at it’s finest!

Even recent series that I start to get into immediately get fucked up, for whatever reason Ratchet and Clank Into The Nexus is such a bad game that I can’t bring myself to shut the hell up about it. If the inability to change the control presets and wretchedly short game length were no problem, then certainly it’s just how UN-Ratchet the game feels. There’s literally no comedy which was probably one of the major elements of the Ratchet and Clank series, turning the game into a more mild version of Sonic 06. Yes, I’m aware that Dead Space was a pretty popular survival horror game at some point, but Ratchet and Clank is not Dead Space! Putting “dark” areas in the game with eerie music and more fucked up looking villains that seem reminiscent of the Borg from Star Trek the Next Generation does not count as a Dead Space game! Especially considering that halfway through the game, the devs decided to ditch the “horror” element, w/e horror there was, and go back to a poor imitation of previous Ratchet and Clank titles without the funny or interesting environments.

By then, the game felt more obnoxious than cool, and the developers had the nerve to put in a museum of their past characters such as Drek or that guy from Deadlocked. And for some reason, the creator of the series feels the need to stamp his ass into the game in some vain attempt to gain creator god status amongst internet nerds so that he may be worshipped in the same way as Shigeru Miyamoto. Having a game that pisses me off with it’s wannabe AAA production values, buggy ass gameplay, shitty gimmicked Clank levels that you can’t skip and aren’t even remotely as fun as the clank modes in UYA or TOD, is not gonna warrant my lips stapled to your ass! The sheer self-congratulatory sequence of the museum right before the tedious “city under invasion” sequence reeks of “trying to hard to be epic” with what is one of the most anti-climatic final showdowns in the series yet. The final game in the Future series has no actual closure to the story of Ratchet’s separation anxiety from other Lombaxes in the series and could be mistaken for a mild spinoff. The only redeeming quality would’ve been the female villain that could actually be treated as a threat since Chairman Drek… up until the bitch gets captured and the game goes into the whole “what have I done” shtick of amateur writing that has pervaded the entertainment industry for quit some time now.

And I’m STILL seeing this fuckin movie, even though Ratchet looks retarded.

For once in this or last generation, I would like for a sequel that actually exceeds expectations instead of sending them shattering through the pits of the underworld where Ausar anxiously awaits to feed the souls of these horrid abominations to the jaws of Ammut. Ironically, the only sequel that manages to be decent came directly from Platinum Games. Yeah. Anarchy Reigns not only plays better than it’s Wiitarded cousin Madworld, but also has the decency to put itself in color so you wouldn’t get lost in the sprawling overworld mazes because every landmark you could find blends in too fucking well with the Sin City nut riding aesthetics. Add to it the lack of QTE styled death blows that got a little too repetitive for my tastes, and it’s an alright beat em up game that only suffers due to having only 4 stages and the same banality of needing to complete missions in order to gain a high score just to progress, making the game slower paced than Sonic’s Lost Mind! My one true hope, and I’m serious, is that if Guilty Gear Xrd comes stateside, it won’t be some ass fucked sequel as most other fighting games have become.

……..If this game does not kick ass…….

 

Nintendo Fanboys in the Sonic Fanbase.

I’ve had that kind of suspicion for a while. When you have a grand majority of Sonic fans that literally begged for a Lost Mind, you have to truly wonder if these are actual Sonic fans or some external entity.

It is extremely rare for anyone to demand a series become more like an external franchise, especially that of a rival mascot. When a series has a fanbase, any kind of fanbase, that fanbase has set expectations of what they want out of this series. Afterall, why did they become fans of it if not for it’s own merits? It’s unnatural for a Sonic fan to want Sonic games to play more like Mario games.

I’ve noticed, more often than not, that people who’ve played other games go into something new with the expectations of old. Like say if I were to play Ratchet and Clank prior to, lets say, Jak II, I would be furious because the game plays nothing like Ratchet and Clank. Would that be a fair judgment? Hell no.  Of course, these things happen because when you’ve enjoyed something so much, you now have standards of what you like to see in certain games. It’s possibly the reason so many FPS’s have the same features and have an over-abundance of online multiplayer focus.

But with Sonic fans, most who’ve grown up with the series since the beginning (the casters) expect the games to have the same shit that was in the original 2D games, but expanded and improved on. The problem, however, is that Sega has over-fluctuated the series to the point that the fans are in a perpetual state of disorder. Hell, even the company “claims” to not know fuck all about what Sonic is about.

Now, why Nintendo fans are the most vocal about Sonic is easier to decipher. I usually have a statement that “Sega fans are Sonic fans, but Sonic fans are not Sega fans”. And this is true to every extent. Sonic going multiplatform, the series has audiences on Playstation and Xbox. Nintendo has shit 3rd party support no matter what they do (except their awesome handhelds). Sega and Capcom seem to be the only people that… try, at the least. Now see, Playstation fans happen to be the biggest assholes of all gaming communities, but also happen to be extremely easy to please considering damn near every game with some marketing is considered the “greatest game of all time” for no reason other than it’s existence on the Playstation brand. Xbox fans…….seem to be real gamers as they keep their mouths shut and just play. Don’t really have any experience dealing with them.

Due to Nintendo’s shitty 3rd party support, Playstation and Xbox fans can easily ignore the Sonic franchise as it spiraled into the land of mediocrity while they gain several titles that have some effort put into them. Since Nintendo fans can’t get the support that Sony gets on a daily basis, they have to settle for what they can get. So any third party title that sticks around for Nintendo is “assumed” to be a Nintendo owned entity (how many times have people claimed that Sonic was owned by Nintendo? Some even thought Tales of Symphonia was a new Nintendo franchise!) That said, Nintendo fans had expectations of Sonic games living up to the standards of Nintendo’s so-called “Seal of quality”. Since… you know, they don’t get much else beyond Nintendo’s progressively shittier games. Sonic titles must smell like roses in comparison. Specially after Other M.

So the reasoning behind why they desire Sonic to be like Mario is ofcourse the fallacy of expectations from a deferring franchise. Because they have played Mario, they expect other platformers to carry the same conventions as Mario. Mario is, unfortunately, the “standard” for most platformers to go by, and since Sonic is wrongfully lumped into the platformer genre for simply “jumping” on shit, it is assumed that Sonic must succeed by riding the coattails of Mario. And not just any Mario. No, it has to follow the Mario formula that the hardcore Nintards adore. That means the shitty Mario games. That means the 3D Mario games. The Standard Grafting Fallacy.

The author of the article points out a few key Nintendo games that the Nintards simply don’t care about. See, Kirby lacks “intricacy” aside from that yarn shit. It’s easy for them to ignore Kirby because that’s one of the few Nintendo franchises that hasn’t been completely destroyed by Nintendo’s misguided quest for “innovashun” and still maintains arcade centrism within it’s games. Paper Mario is either-or. Not really sure how dark Paper Mario is (At most, it just seems to be a joke series). I would point out the Metroid series, but then I remembered Nintendo fans don’t like Metroid either. Instead, they’ll find (as he said) vague examples within the kiddiest Nintendo games just to prove Nintendo games aren’t kiddy.

It’s an amazing achievement when even Nintendo fans can’t even point to their most mature franchises (Metroid, Fire Emblem, F-Zero which had twerking bikini models for fuck’s sake) to prove a damn thing. The hatred of all things M-rated comes directly from Mortal Kombat and Playstation fans being the grand assholes they are about everything. I mean damn, when everyone kept saying Nintendo was family friendly, that gave the PS2 crews all the fire they needed to troll the loving shit out of the Nintendo fandoms. Believe me when I say they’ve gone off the deep end into the pit of insanity after them verbal ass whippins.

None of that excuses the drastic change in tone with the Shadow the Hedgehog, of course, but when most of those “mature” complaints are thrown at 06 for simply having a more complex story, holy shit. When Sonic fans accepted SA2 even with it’s more complex (if you could call it that) story, then man did the gameplay of 06 scar everything.

Sega fans, for the most part, have completely stopped giving a damn about Sonic and focused on everything else because we ALL felt that Sega just wasn’t going to give two nut licks of a fuck about Sonic the Hedgehog because as we ALL know by now, they hate the damn series. So who else is gonna care about it aside from the Nintendo brats? Especially with the deliberate catering to them?

3D Mario fails once again!

Can you see it Miyamoto!? The grand failure of 3D Mario rears it’s beautiful ass once more to tear down the grand illusion of your supreme arrogance!

ICON0

SO PUCKER UP MOTHER FUCKER!

I guess the japs caught wind of that last trailer and smelled another “puzzle-room” Ninturd coming a mile away.

Me tinks it’s time for Iwata to listen to them investors and drop the Pii U. Fucking Mario isn’t even saving it now. Not only that, it’s fucked in it’s first week of sales.

We could all theorize other reasons the game blundered. A huge lack of content it seems. It looks like a game that just slaps the NSMB aesthetics on and expects the 2D Mario fandom to lap it all up. The appeal of having 4 different characters with unique abilities like in SMB2 was a killer idea, but everyone smelled the “bullshit” of the dress physics lie that Miyamoto spit years ago. Japan LOVES 2D Mario, and they will NOT forgive the deception. Didn’t want to put Peach in NSMBW because they’d have to implement dress physics, then they put it in 3D Mario, you piece of shit! How dare you LIE to our faces!!! You cannot hope to express your UTTER LAZINESS and then expect people to FORGIVE you when you bother to implement desired features in undesired games.

And now the bed you made is the one where you rest. The folly of your enforcement of your “way to play” is denied. Rejected. Bitched-slapped.

So the only thing they really have left is Pokemon, eh? Might as well cancel that lovely “X” game and just make a Pokemon Stadium 3. The only reason people care about Pii U now is because Kamiya has become Nintarded.

Short, let down, and incredibly buggy, Ratchet and Clank Into the Nexus is proof that I must be cursed.

Any series I start to show interest in slowly starts to become ass for some reason. Resident Evil, Soul Calibur, Ninja Gaiden….. damn near everything I’ve played on PS3 that’s a part of  a series, really. Goddamn, I am so pissed at this game.

First off, this game as touted as some sort of “rap up” for the future series w/e the hell that means, but this game’s story doesn’t really rap up anything. It’s more like a side adventure that makes a few references to previous games like using a dimensionator to call forth nethers or w/e. The previous explained all of their concepts fairly well, but this game showed no desire to go beyond the narrative. ACiT? The Time Clock being the thing that stabilizes the fabric of time and space at the center of the universe. That’s epic, out there, big idea stuff! Nothing about the nethers are interesting as they’re just generic aliens with no motive than to destroy the world. And they’re less threatening than cuddles from A4O. The game starts off nicely, but ends off with the most anticlimatic ending out there. “That’s It!?” is the only thing that could echo in my mind.

Not only that, but that bitch Talwin is back. Why is she even in this game? Far as I can see, no one likes her. She had been useless since her very first appearance. Her non-presence was a plus to ACiT, but here she is to bug you about every little detail while she does absolutely dick for every inch of this game. Qwark has no purpose in this game either, though his screen time is short lived. It feels like there was literally no effort put into the story or the mythos this time around, and it expands on NOTHING from the previous games. Not to mention it’s length that makes it feel like a complete waste of time.

Gameplay wise, I’ve already talked about the controls, and while they aren’t a total hindrance, I do feel that “aerial combat” with the  jetpack was less than intuitive, and a giant pain in my ass. Overall though, aside from the fetch quests, there’s nothing else to do in the game after you complete it. Oh there’s an extra tournament, but after the 3rd time, it doesn’t have much fun factor seeing as all it does is give you stricter time limits to complete an objective and fight a repeat boss.

The overall game itself is basic Ratchet and Clank stuff, but it seems to play worse than previous titles, what with you only having the ability to shoot in one direction along with the netherworld segments that are few and far between. You get the feeling that there was very little work put into the game in comparison to… to fucking A4O even.

And…..the game has bugs up the ass. Sound delays occur frequently in the swamp planet, and I don’t know why it saves after every gargathon horn I collect. I’ve noticed that BS3 games tend to work better or worse depending on how the game loads or saves, and everytime this game saves anything, the sound effects start to delay heavily. I’ve also noticed that some hover boot ramps don’t work, so you might be speeding around one day and then fall in swamp water because the ramp wouldn’t launch you properly. Another thing is that enemies have a tendency to hit you with attacks even when you’re in a position which you can easily avoid the attack (like say they do a horizontal swing while you’re jumping, they have a few cases where they can still hit you).

But that’s not what really pisses me off. See, I went into the weapon shop, I’ve got like 6 weapons all maxed out already, and I decided to try out a few weapons I have yet to buy. I tried out the Nightmare box in it’s demo or w/e, but as soon as I exit out, the game freezes on me. So, I had to force the system to shut off. Now, here’s the bullshit. When I reload my save, I check my weapon inventory…….. my shit is GONE! All I have is a lv. 1 Combuster and that fucking Nightmare Box! I didn’t even BUY the damn thing! All my weapons are back in the shop, and I gotta rebuy them and upgrade them all over again!? Sonic 06 had better programming!

Nope, soon as I find that receipt, I’m getting my 30 bucks back. Shit. This game is ass, and I’m not talking about the well-toned female ass, I’m talking Kuma farting bear ass. The game gives off the feeling and sense that no real time or care went into it. Shallow story, only 2 real levels out of the whole damn game while everything else is some silly mission based scheme, and has a nasty bug infestation. And that smuggler is gettin on my last nerve!

I also like how everyone is ass-kissing this game because it’s cheap (in every sense of the word) and “the first real ratchet game since ACiT”. Bitches didn’t have to wait 15 WHOLE YEARS like the Mario fans did for a real Mario game.

And the writer for the series is gone too? Yep, so much for a Sonic substitute. Maybe I’ll have better luck with Sly Cooper. Watch out fanbase, you better hope I hate that series!

Perhaps….. I am cursed….. or something. It seems that when I start to really like something, the quality starts to dwindle overtime.

I played Ratchet and Clank: Tools of Destruction and thought that was one of the few games I really… REALLY enjoyed on the BS3. The action, the humor, and even the slight ounce of “drama”. But for the most part, the game offered a bit of freedom in how you deal with combat. I enjoy games that give you a multitude of ways to kill enemies like Metroid Prime 1. Afterward, I kinda went R&C crazy and found a couple of used games for under 17 bucks, and I bought the new title as well, “Into the Nexus”. Voucher for Ass Quest and everything.

Seems I need to pump my breaks for this series.

Now, Ass Quest (Quest for Booty) was a goddamn Zelda game, and was incredibly short. The issue with this game is the same thing that plagued Zelda and Metroid games. You have your items at the beginning but lose them for the sake of story. And you spend a large majority of the time solving puzzles. Joy.

Tools of Destruction had lots of stuff going for it. But the main thing that made it a winner was the lack of bullshit. ToD was nigh bullshit free. Aside from 2 lousy fetch quests that were… quite easy, the game was a breath of fresh air from all the bullshit that most so-called “platformers” would put you through. But what I really enjoyed was how the levels actually FELT like levels. You progress through long worlds taking on swarms of enemies and evading traps… you know, what an actual GAME feels like. The weapons are impressive in their ass whippin capabilities. The hornet swarm traps were the ultimate bitch-makers in this title.

Ass Quest kinda…….idk what the hell this game was trying to be, I can see why it’s nowhere to be found unless you buy Into the Nexus.

A Crack in Time wasn’t really bad, but it is inferior in many ways. Firstly, they went into this mission based level format. IE, you’re in some wide area doing work. Most of the time, it’s really just “enemies over here, kill they ass” which isn’t bad in itself, but why a mission thing!?

And don’t get me started on the Clank segments. Ohhhhhhhhh Puzzle City is what the Great Clock is! If not for the option to skip that bullshit, it would’ve been a bad title by then.  See, that’s how you handle puzzles, like a cutscene. Let the player have the free will to skip that bullshit. And you know the best part? People are actually DRIVEN to want to solve the puzzles this way. See, when you give someone an option in games, the players become more open minded to try them all. You know why? Because there’s no pressure on them to do any one thing before moving on to the next. But yeah, there should’ve never been any puzzles in this series, even with my limited experience with it.

Otherwise, Crack in Time is…. ok at best. I do see that there’s more replay value than in Tools of Destruction via quests and the search for Zoni and mods, but that’s typical bullshit I have no patience for these days.

All 4 One was my first Ratchet Game, so after playing all those other titles, this one is DEFINITELY worse than all of them (sans Ass Quest). Especially with the imbalanced damage for weapons. I don’t know who designed that game, but dat bitch needs some damage patches. Tired of depending on the Critter Strike.

The problem with these games are not so much content (there’s more consistency here than in Sonic games, that’s for sure), but with unnecessary gameplay changes that are detrimental to fun factor. The addition of puzzles like Clank’s segments in ACiT are for intricacy’s sake rather than an actual challenge. I’m willing to forgive it because it can be skipped, but it can’t be excused for any reason. But what I do not enjoy were the “missions”. Platformers and missions don’t belong in the same sentence. Mission objectives or whatnot take away from your enjoyment via sending you all-over the world by needing to “seek and destroy” certain enemies or needing to quickly press certain switches in a specified order under 35 seconds, or even having to find some seeds to plant them just so they can grow in the future. It’s all for the sake of “intricacy” and “cleverness”, signs that the developers may be growing pretentious or feel pressured to compete against Nintendo for some reason.

That brings me to Into the Nexus. The latest game in the series that actually changes more than the gameplay. Even the CONTENT feels different in some way. While I have yet to complete it, it’s best to describe the game as being more “serious”, than previous titles. What little comedy it has seems to be diminished by the game’s overall tone and atmosphere. It feels as the game is going more for dread than Pixar.

Tools of Destruction and Crack in Time had a natural balance between the light and the shade. While it was comical at best, it could also be dramatic at best. Tachyon was a midget who was also quite clumsy, but man did he make Ratchet feel like shit with all the smack talking about “I killed yo peoples, whatcho you bout to do?!” or Azimuth with his own desires to revive the Lombaxes while at conflict with Clank’s duty to make sure no one uses the Time Clock. Something that Lost Mind FAILED HARD to do with the conflict with Tails and Robotnik with Sonic in between. They built it up over time, see. But even with all the dramatics, the games were still very light-hearted. They can get serious and laid-back at their own pace. Kids games do well when they treat the kids like adults and not retards (see Winnie the Pooh).

On the other hand, Into the Nexus doesn’t seem interested in striking a balance as the game comes off more serious and….. “spooky” if that makes sense. Especially when you get to the orphanage with all these drawings of eye-balls and what not. It’s slightly disturbing when you’ve got this crazy bitch who worships a giant eyeball and all.

But since I’ve only started, I can’t say much on content. The mechanics, however……

Lets just say switching up the CONTROLS for no reason other than intricacy has completely pissed me off. Now if I want to toss my wrench, I need to use L1 and Square instead of the more familiar R2 combo. And I can only fire weapons exclusively from R1 while Circle has no function beyond intricacy. This is a dick move. You know how when you work with a certain printer at work, and you know how it works well, but then the bosses change the printers? That one change might seem harmless, but it’s enough to drive people full blown batshit. People LOVE familiarity with controls in sequels and a series because it means they can jump right in without the need to relearn how to play the game. With Sonic games, you’re always relearning how to play the games because Sega is an asshole factory. Everyone was ADAMANT in using GC controllers for Smash Bros Brawl due to that familiarity. One of the biggest advantages of the playstation brand is that the controllers themselves never change in design. So even if you go into a new playstation, you can feel right at home as the controller is the same.

That said, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY CHANGE THIS!? I’ve used and abused the Circle because it’s much more intuitive as this series was not a 3rd person shooter. But that seems to be what they’re shooting for as you cannot shoot in any direction anymore either. You can only shoot toward whatever the camera is looking at. And there seems to be no way to change this. Previous titles gave you different control “styles” to accommodate players who prefer to play in a certain way. For this game, you need to be accustomed to 3rd person shooters, no exceptions. And 3rd person shooters are AWFUL games.

With this, it’s clear the game is some kind of Dead Space Parody. You have the more “serious” tone, the “scarier” and more disturbing atmosphere, and the controls of a 3rd person shooter. And a reduced frame rate so the game looks slower as well. This would’ve been….. ok had it not been for the “intricate” gimmicks they have for this game. The oh so great rift points. Basically, these pink circles on the walls are things you have to use to get around. What you have to do is find 2 of these things pointing at each other and using a rift gun, shoot them to connect them to each other and create some sort of gravity bridge that pushes you from one point to the next. Simply put, you’re creating gravitational ziplines. This wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t all over the damn place and they’re used for more goddamn puzzles. There are points where you have to make multiple rifts or w/e and then jump from one to another. The problem is sometimes you have to make rifts while you’re in mid-rift or before a time limit goes out. I’m certain it’s going to be a lot more obnoxious as I go through.

Another gimmick they have which is actually kinda fun is the netherrealm parts with Clank. If you played a game like Metal Storm on the NES, it’s basically like that. You flip gravity around so you can traverse dangerous pits and manuveur around enemies. Though it seems it’s only available in the first world. Would’ve prefered more of those than those damn rift points.

Another annoying thing is you don’t get an abundance of money in this game like before, and raritanium is… well.. “rare”, so buying and upgrading weapons have to be done sparingly…. which wouldn’t be so bad if the game’s enemies weren’t pretty fuckin hard. I think I died like 5 times from those turret warriors, my loathsome adversaries. Top it off, you got ammo starvation. It’s like Metroid Prime 2 all over again, and that is NOT a good sign.

I’ll wait to complete the game before a final judgement, but so far, it’s not lookin good. Story is alright, at least you have a villain that’s interesting for once.

Good thing I don’t have to jump around much!

I’m always astounded at the sometimes complex criteria that people use to define what genre a game belongs in. Zelda, because the RPG elements are toned down, people consider the Zelda series to be mere Adventure games because there’s no presence of of your strength being based on visible stats. Castlevania games that have you exploring an overworld are considered “Metroidvania” while games like Grand Theft Auto are called “Sandboxes” for Amma knows what reason. The controversy over determining if Smash Bros. is a fighting game still rages on, just much more quietly. Metroid Prime is fought being an FPS or an “FPA”. In general, defining a game’s genre gets tiring.

See, the problem with gamers over the internet is that they’re obsessed with trying to define things, and while that’s basic human nature, gamers take it to an entirely new level of insanity. To define something is to easily identify and judge the quality of that something within the basis of a category. When it comes to movies, for example. We define martial arts films based on the obvious presence of choreographed fight scenes. For Action movies, gun fights and explosions along with big gruffy hyper-masculine male leads. We define romances based on how much pandering it does to female fantasies.

But then it gets a little weird when you start seeing “Romance-Comedy” “Action-Comedy” “Comedy-Drama” and all that jazz. Mainly, it’s the definition of an existing genre by simply combining it with another. If it’s advertised as an action movie with large amounts of comedy or romance, or has a hero that is not a John Wayne trope, it just “cannot” fit within the normal criteria and must be judged on a different level. In gaming, it’s the same thing, only more obnoxious. Action-Platformer, Puzzle-Shooter, Action-Adventure, Action-RPG, you get the idea. The problem is, unlike movies, there are so many games out there that have gameplay styles that aren’t so easily defined. You have the “Action” genre which could range from a shit load of different games including FPS’s and shmups.

There’s no real problem for this because if you’re into a certain type of a game, knowing how to define that game and differentiate that from the rest will help you in determining your next purchase. The problem is there are debates and fights started over the need to define the genre of a game.

That said, how in the hell do you define a platformer?

Don’t look at me! I have no idea!

Check this piece out. Knack is labeled as a platformer, and there is mention of “platforming” where you need to jump to different heights just to defeat enemies. However, the emphasis of the game is clearly centered around killing enemies to progress, meaning the platforming is only a means to an end. Not the point of the game. And for a majority of platformers, this is always the case.

What? I thought the point of this game was bustin caps!

See, most gaming genres are defined around the game’s emphasis. First Person Shooters are obviously emphasizing shooting every mutha fucka on the screen. Fighting games…. fighting. Puzzle games solving puzzles. Adventure games based on exploration and solving mysteries. However, for platforming games, there’s very little emphasis on actual platforming and more so about action (combat or otherwise).

Kirby would be considered a platformer, but considering the pink bastard can fly, there’s…. no real platforming going on.

Praise Amma they’re still making normal Kirby games, though.

If you’ve played any 2D game that involved a pint-size hero running, jumping, shooting or melee attacking enemies, chances are they’re labeled platformers. But do you really have fond memories of “platforming” in these games? Unless they piss you off, of course not. Your fond memories come from the action and thrill of combat. Taking on bosses and waves of enemies while evading traps and death pits. You KNOW what you’re getting into when you play an FPS, and your memories of that game will be based on that’s game’s emphasis as well as the content.

My memories of this game would be dat smexy sci-fi atmosphere!

You wouldn’t call most modern FPS’s “mission-based games” because you have to complete a certain amount of missions per level. That’s only a means to an end. The main idea is still blasting enemies over and over again.

In most cases, only Mario can truly ever be considered a platformer (at least the old 2D games, not this 3D puzzle fetch mess). Hell, the Classic Mega Man games could get away with that label considering all the bullshit Inafune and the gang pulled with those dissappearing blocks and what not. But otherwise, the mere fact that platformer is so often attached to another genre (action especially) is showing how truly difficult it is to define platformers. For all we know, the label is probably misused for a majority of games simply because there’s lots of “jumping” on stuff. It’s kinda like saying Metroid games are platformers because there’s lots of jumping on stuff.

It gets more obnoxious when people put games like Sonic under that category considering the severely lacking emphasis on platforming in virtually every game. I think the Sonic series had cursed every other game that comes out since Sonic was created in part to compete with Mario, thereby being labeled as a platformer… and every other game that comes out (like Crash Bandicoot or Ratchet and Clank, Sly Cooper, Ape Escape, what may have you) are directly placed in the platformer category by default. If that review of Knack is anything to go by, the platformer label is probably forced onto games that really don’t focus on the platforming at all. It’s misleading to gamers on a grand scale because gamers are obsessed with defining games as accurately as possible. So labeling something as a platformer will have gamers judging the game possibly based on a means to an end rather than it’s actual emphasis.

If the emphasis of Knack is in it’s combat and not it’s platforming, but it’s put under the “platformer” category, then you’re gonna have some pretty pissed off gamers because of that obsession to define games. Simply calling it an action game would be “too broad” but more accurate in it’s material.

This, along with the RPG category should be renamed or have reworked criteria for judging. Perhaps “jumper” because there’s lots of “jumping”. 😛

Fuck you, I’m trying the best I can.