Archive for November, 2016


Controller Updates?

The stupidity of modern videogames… the hardcore should be going insane from trying to justify shit like this, im tellin y’all. Like the fat guy said, why the fuck would You need to update a controller!?

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Fuck yearh! Mass Effect Andromeda!

Great, now I want a PS4. A shame it takes an RPG for me to want to spend money. 

Yes, I love Mass Effect. I needed a Space Explorer fix since Sega keeps fucking around with PSO2 localization, and by the balls of Ra, I will never need another RPG series ever again… Unless Bioware manages to fuck up Andromeda. I still have that curse after all. 

Anywho, I butted heads with the Nintard at work. He and this white girl keep bragging about fucking Pokemon. Can you believe these asswipes made a sand castle Pokemon!? 

Bah. Basically confirming what Mack said about actual boss fights, though according to Nintard at work, these trial leaders (Nintendo proves how unimaginative they are with naming conventions) are all Clare Clones. Try saying that five times fast. *coughs* As in you kick their asses and then they give you work. I should just take my Pokemon and shake those cocksuckers down for a badge. Great, so Nintendo takes what was perfectly fine and fucks it up. My poor Kirby

But alas, he fails to upend my misplaced enthusiasm for the next Mass Effect game. “What’s so great about another military shooter?” he inquires. What impudence!! “Mass Effect is a real RPG!” I chant. “Unlike those crappy JRPGs, you actually affect the course of your story. Dont want to be bothered stopping the story to deal withsome piddly sideplot involving an annoying bitch? Would you want to control an army of sentient killer robots!? Dont like certain characters and would rather screw them over for teh lulz!? Wanna fuck that blue alien and make believe you’re in Star Trek!? This is the shit for you!”

But alas! His Nintard brain could not comprehend such rawness! After all, Nintendo tells their fans what to like. And they like it rough… as in having no flexibility… in what you can do in their games. Ironic as Nintendo used to let you skip levels. Tis not what bothered me, however. He noted that players should not have this much power/control/freedom in games. He neglected to explain why, priorities on the job, that kind of shit. 

You know, it disturbs me that even aspiring game developers are echoing these sentiments, and if this mentality serves as the foundation of the future of videogames, it’ll die sooner than it could fart. If you believe the players shouldn’t have the power, why the fuck do you play Pokemon?

And why the hell shouldn’t they be given that kind of power!? Do you know what a game is!? It is interactive entertainment exclusively for our goddamn egos. Unlike movies that try to give you a story to teach you morals from someone else‘s perspective,  videogames cater to our egos, period. Its why so many gamers irrationally curse and scream over this shit, get into heated debates, or even get into protests over an ending (its… 50/50 justified). People take this shit to extremes because of the ego stroking that games provide. Hell, if the game doesn’t submit to your whims, its a marvel… nay, a wonder it was ever greenlit. This industry is full on shock value at this point.

And then you get into the role-playing games. Everyone knows that entails playing through a game where you have a party of preset characters, you have levels and experience points, you have gear to equip, skill points to accumulate and allocate, damage calculations… but that’s all the mechanics and shit. That shouldn’t say “role-playing”. What is role-playing? Huh? Huh!? Its playing pretend. You know, that shit you did as a child where you made believe you were someone more badass than you were at that age? You’d probably use a stick, pretend its a sword… or if you had laser-tag and pretended you were a cowboy or some space ranger. And no, as much I begged, never got that shit for Christmas

You know the best part of playing pretend? You could do w/e you want and not have anyone tell you that you couldnt do this or that just because someone else wants to tell a story or set some rules in place. You were free to tell your own tale. That in itself is the heart and soul of role-playing. 

Unfortunately, everyone’s idea of role-playing came from that Dungeons and Dragons game in terms of rules and classes.  Nothing else beyond that. For a board game (pen & paper, who gives a fuck), it was quite unique. Most other board games just gave you colors to play as, but this game gave you actual choices, elements that presented advantages and consequences. The classes you chose had clear positives and negatives. But at the same time, you could make up the adventures you have. Walk through a forest and have an unstoppable dragon come where everyone fights. 

No wait, there is a game master that determines what the story is

It was unique compared to everything else that came out. Still, the only thing developers got from this were the game rules. They took the body of the RPG but left the soul. What we have now are predetermined husks controlled at the behest of the creator, not the masters (you, I and everyone who pays). What good is a Role-playing game without pretend? Its only good for it’s mechanics and battle systems, shit people couldn’t give a damn about when talking about RPGs.

Lets put it this way. What are videogames played with?

A controller, right? What should that imply? That they who wield the controller are in control. Sure, this extended only as far as gameplay, you could determine if you complete a level,  skip a level, proceed to a dungeon you weren’t quite prepared for, use cheat codes to make the game easier, that kinda shit.

Then you introduce a story into the mix. Back then, the stories were simple. “ProblemJobReward“. The problem was baddies over there, the job is kill dey ass, and the reward is admiration from text, or a princess (you wont see that anymore). You contrlled the fate of that problem. The only thing you had to worry about was whether or not you were a bad enough dude to save the day. 

But lately, the last generation had a disturbingly high number of games with outcomes that are never in your favor, making it feel as though your contributions are meaningless. So many games end with your player character dying at the end, its redundant. If I wanted to be depressed from playing games, I’d play Sonic Boom. Not everything else

 Take for example,  Tales of Xillia 2, quite frankly the most depressing game in the series. Here you are given a character whose reactions and dialogue are yours to command. And that’s about it. You cant really do much else that would affect the course of the story. This becomes a painful fact when you realize just how miserable the game wishes you to be. Like say this bitch.

2 Versions of this heifer exists. One variant is the cold, distant and irritating type, the kind that Japan prefers when making slutty women, apparently. The other is hot headed and is quick to beat the hell out of anyone who so much as looks at her. 

The latter is hilarious. And she dies. Why? Some BS about how paradoxes shouldn’t exist, and prime bitch was the only 1 that could save the day… even though prime bitch does Nothing for the rest of the game!

For a game that gives you choices,  it goes out of its way to make you feel powerless. What if I wanted to keep fractured awesomeness!? Too bad! Game says prime bitch is too important. Deal wit it. 

Video games are egocentric entertainment, one where you have direct input in. You can affect everything but the course of the story. I believe, for an RPG at least, this needs to change. The “role-playing” is too often taken too literally and you’re simply there to witness the destruction of your avatar, crushing what further motivation you’d have in replaying the damn title. Being able to control your character’s destiny is much more fulfilling than having you being jerked around for $60.

Mass Effect does this decently enough (just dont bring up 3). Combined with some damn good lore, you can affect how characters respond to you, what people serve you in the end, what relationships you build (though this part gets creepy, damned Tali fans) and how the world develops. Its truly a game that molds itself around you… until 3. Mass Effect should serve as the foundation for RPGs in terms of content structure and personalization. Cause hell, if the industry is gonna turn every game/genre into an RPG, you might as well steal ideas from this series.

It would feel like these outcomes were earned. Because you personally made them happen. You had a hand in causing events to take place. A game of choices and the consequences thereof. Think about Pokemon. You already have your own pokemon teams, it took 15 years get character customization… but what if you wanted to join the evil teams and steal other’s pokemon? You know, since these bastards wont let them go..

Given that RPGs are a computer-centric genre, they fall under the veil of personal gaming. As such, the journey itself should be more personal. Everytime you play the game, the experience should feel unique to players, and not just by their classes. I cant imagine a better motivation to play through a game than an adventure that isnt beyond your control. Just imagine a Pokemon game where you could dictate more than just your team.

If minecraft taught us anything,  the player wants all the power in the world. Its clearly profitable to stroke the gamer’s egos. It should be extended to the plot. It worked well enough for Mass Effect until….. EA.

Yeah I know there’s been ass loads of articles on Mass Effect and how it’s really about false choice. I ask what game does “choice” better? Damn sure aint Splinter Cell Double Agent. 

Tekken: Where did it all go wrong?

Its not mine

A guy from work loaned it to me, thinking im crazy for not liking Tekken. Is it so wrong to want Namco to make a decent fighting system that wasn’t prone to abuse or a roster that isn’t imbalanced to all hell?

I didn’t always hate Tekken. Back then, I didnt pay the series any mind. I was into Street Fighter, KOF, and Bloody Roar. Oh sweet back flipping cyborg ninja Ra was Bloody Roar amazing! The speed! The transformations! The feeling of power when you morphed! Knocking people halfway across the stages! Smashing people through walls! Bloody Roar was just an exhilarating masterpiece,  and a tragedy that it died so soon.

As for Tekken, it just couldn’t compare. The fighting looked slow and boring, and the characters were ugly as fuck. Hell, they looked like they belonged in a horror movie! Especially Yoshimitsu from the first game. The only thing I found interesting was Alex from Tekken 2. The boxing Raptor… thing. I couldn’t dig it otherwise. 

Shit, years later and I’m still questioning why people love it so much. Tekken 4 gave me an aneurysm with all the Jin fans running amuck. I never played 5 and folks swear its the best one. And there’s Tekken 6 and Tag 2. Where most of my grief comes from. Before then, I wasn’t aware of why people called Tekken a juggle fest, but by the balls of Ra, I would’ve sworn they were exaggerating. Its like spending a whole match trying to trap some poor bastard in a wretchedly long combo string they can’t escape from. Even worse was that juggling opponents deals massive damage, so its essential you find a nice, exploitable combo to destroy people with.

The fans are surprisingly tame, at least compared to Street Fighter fans. Those fuckwits swear nothing else takes skill. I remember them coining a phrase “Tekken is for those who failed at Street Fighter“. The smugness that wafts from where they scoff is too great. I think that Southpark episode with the smog/smug storm would’ve upgraded to worldwide devastation if those jackoffs were included. 

Anywho, after explaining, he invites me over to discuss other shit with his Spanish bitch, but that visit ends in Tekken Hybrid. A disc that includes 2 games and a fucking movie! Just damn! I could see shit like this justifying $60…. at least until you actually watch the movie. Anywho, we played Tekken Tag HD or w/e (HD remasters might as well have been a get rich quick scheme last gen.) 

You know what? I actually had fun with this shit!

The characters feel limited, and they’re as hideous as I remember, but the game itself felt like a more natural fighting game. I dont know how to explain it that, but lets say it feels less dependent on juggles or long winded combo strings and feels more like… Virtua Fighter with better physics. The characters all have basic moves and combos, side stepping feels less risky, music is a helluva lot better… though blocking doesn’t work as well as I’d hope. Seems to be a goddamn Namco tradition. 

Still, this is leaps and bounds above the otaku shit stains we have now. With amnesiac pretty boys and robot maid hoes, clones, and an obvious desire to compete against DOA. I’ve not been a fan of this series, but it seems like Namco fucked it up. While they were busy literally advertising how Tekken is the best selling fighter ever, they broke the game itself. More of their time seems to be spent on making their fighters pretty rather than enjoyable. Sure, if you’re just fucking around,  maybe you’d get a laugh or 2, but overall the combat is tedious. Kinda puts it all into perspective, though. These generations, we have fighting games that are all about long ass combo strings, its a wonder any fighting can take place. But hell, at least in other fighters, there’s a way out of that BS. Tekken leaves no margin for error. 

How is it that the universally labeled “most realistic fighting game evar!!” devolved into an endless succession of cartoony circus acts where you can be hit off the ground into the fucking air, carried halfway across the stage with half your life gone in an instant? And how is that even remotely fun?

Bah, I’m thinking gameplay exclusively,  aren’t I? It just seemed so simple back then. You can’t just jump in and play like in Tag 1, you literally have to study one character before being able to enjoy the game. Unless you use the Laws.

“Can Sonic Work in 3D”

Asks TSSZ.

*sigh* It’d be nice if the guy didn’t flaunt his college status and years of playing Sonic as a means of giving credibility to his argument. 

A brief summary, this cat is out to prove journalists wrong about the quality of 2 fan demos vs the quality of official Sonic games while missing the big picture of why people (not just the journalists) are full of contempt for this company. This “assessment” of the fangame’s quality isnt wrong persay (I never played the game so I wouldn’t know eitherway) but it feels… out of place, if you will. 

Take his opening paragraph where he discusses the disagreements people have with Sonic Team’s handling of 3D titles. But immediately after, we get a large overview of something called Sonic Utopia. I’m thinking “well wait a minute. Wouldn’t it be logical to look at the official 3D titles rather than fangames?” That is until I realized the author is, overall, talking about translating 2D mechanics into a 3D perspective. That’s the theme i’m getting from the article. By that notion, the answer would be an astonishing fuck no. Though you wouldn’t have to hyper-analyze/review a fangame (which just sounds like poor design choices rather than an inherent problem) if you understand the nature of Pinball. Obviously that isnt the case if you believe it needs fucking brakes.

Pinball is the foundation of Sonic’s world. And its more than just the springs, physics and bumpers. Without it, you’d have just a normal action game. When you play pinball, what do you see and do? 

You see a flat board behind glass with lights, flippers, and bumpers. What you are looking at is something from a 2 dimensional perspective. 

What you do in pinball is… usually just watching the ball, taking note of it’s location and making sure it doesnt fall into the pit. If you’re lucky, you wont have to move a muscle and just watch the spectacle of a kinetic ball rebounding from nigh everything it touches. It was an incredibly simple game where most of the time, you were just watching the damn thing. 

Pinball is 5% gameplay and 95% spectacle

Now with Sonic, there’s obviously a greater balance between the 2 extremes, but for the long haul, Sonic is a spectacle driven franchise. Gameplay is a secondary factor. One that is at the mercy of the spectacle. Sonic Generations has tacky gameplay, but holy shit is it awesome to look at. Despite that, Sonic games (until now) have been incredibly simple to play. Like pinball, you dont need a lot buttons to press.

But then you introduce the 3D shit.

What happens? You have to start adding extra button controls. What worked seamlessly in 2 dimensions requires more effort in 3. And you can’t replicate everything. You have to sacrifice elements to make the shit work in 3D. For Sonic, it was it’s very foundation that was nicked. Course, if you tried putting actual pinball into a 3D perspective,  it would impossible to design or enjoy. Pinball is not possible to translate into a 3D context.

This is a redundant argument. Im basically parroting what Campbell already said, but I inferred this all from the context of Pinball. You dont need a fangame to tell you that. Infact, it makes his argument less sound as it is predicated on the works of amateurs

The whole “appreciation for what Sega changed to make Sonic work in 3D” sounds just as silly  as the fuckwits who praised the removal of the slide and charge shots, how the games show you never needed them and what not” (Mega Man 9). Its all in the game’s design and skill of the designer to make things work (to the best of their ability).For one, he takes at least 2 paragraphs to praise splines (what madeup monkey shit of a word is this!?) and how they are necessary for loops to work in 3D. 15 years of playing Sonic and he doesn’t even bring up Sonic R. Loops work the same way as they do in the old 2D games with the added bonus of having invisible walls to keep you from falling off the sides. No scripted nonsense to be found here! What necessitates it in current titles other than it being easier to design?

This is why I felt it would be more appropiate to look at the official games exclusively rather than doing a comparative analysis between those and fangames. Especially since these games are mere demos. But at the end of the day,  the soup man is missing the point.

Going back to his opening statements, he seems more eager to challenge the perception that these 2 fangames are infact better than official sega titles. I’ll ignore the loaded statement that people are only praising these games out of contempt for Sega.

On several occasions, Campbell references the 2 Adventure titles as a means of proving the media perception wrong, even stating that they serve as the foundation. There are 2 things wrong here. 1, these games are 18 years old. They aren’t relevant as to why there is such contempt in the 1st place. If the crux of your article was “go back to the Adventure style”, that statement alone would’ve sufficed. Secondly, the dude only assesses these games based on mechanics alone. Its more complicated than that. 

Sonic games (like pinball) are supposed to be simple. Not just by its controls or objectives, but also by what is expected of you, the player. The 2D Sonic titles demanded very little aside from running, jumping, avoiding traps and kicking robotic ass. Later games? You have to use enemies as homing attack footstools, use light dashes on rings to make it across gaps, perform QTEs to pass certain areas, search for emerald shards, find sun and moon stones, solve puzzles, go on more fetch quests, you’re now required to complete special stages to beat the game, you have to find Red Rings, you have to equip items to make the game feel more like Sonic, GODDAMMIT! All this bullshit you gotta put up with, people just want a simple Sonic game. And judging by the reception for these fangames, they’re getting what they wanted. Sure, the level design may be ass, but Sonic is all about showing off, and fangames are the kings of showing off. Its like a… symbiotic relationship, fuck. Campbell looks at the games strictly from a design standpoint and not an entertainment one. Why is that bad? Well if youre still praising the games, then the design is negligible and does not interfere with your enjoyment, unlike Lost Mind and its moronic overuse of puzzles. Or the Adventure games and their genre shifting nonsense.

Thats the idea. To, as you say, “cut the fluff” and keep shit simple. Infact, there is less bile thrown at Sonic Colors and Generations because they keep things simple. Now, if the games were fun, you wouldn’t think about poor design choices. That kind of shit wouldn’t be noticeable. Naturally speaking, you only think when there is a problem. How bad was the design of Utopia if the games are still fun to play? Is bypassing a loop that big of an issue (especially since you could bypass them in the classic games as well, this being a “literal translation” and all). Or did these issues become apparent when the media (and actual fans) took a liking to it more so than official games which, as of recent titles, can only be appreciated by cracked-out retards? And even if it is just contempt, this would make a better article if Campbell investigated why people felt this way instead of downplaying fan games to make 2 out of 12 games look better than they are. Im still trying to process how thinking a game is better than another makes you illiterate

It’s bothersome. Sonic fans are so eager to attack certain games from their own franchise if they get too much praise. 2D Sonic and Adventure 2 being the sacrificial lambs so to speak. 

Because of how silly this article was, all I could conclude from it was “TSSZ is a shill site and this is another attempt at damage control”. But hey, its better than anything Westgarth wrote.

And “rolling” being something of a metagame? Mother fucker, I couldn’t oversell the 2D games like this! 

So that retro NES dropped on friday. I was a tad terrified to see a bunch a white folks lined up after Trump’s election. But naw they were here for some Nintendo product.

It doesnt make a lot of sense to me when they’ve had Virtual Console options for years now, its like Sega releasing Genesis Sonic games over and over again. At least Nintendo has something of an excuse… actually no, they’ve been just as self-indulgent with their games these days, what with turning Smash Bros from a fanservice fighter to a Nintendo history museum. But hey, its cheaper than current Nintendo consoles and actually has games that people want to play. Its just Nintendo trying to pacify their market, but the duplicity has its benefits. Easy money for them (unless a third party made it) and simple fun for you.

Its been years since I held an NES controller. Its so simple. A D-Pad, 2 buttons, and the games still kick more ass than modern Nintendo. Then again I use emulators. You get a wider selection of games that way.

I actually thought the Wiimote was a decent substitute for an NES controller even with my monster claws. As Nintendo has this thing with forgetting the past ever happen  (unless they need money), the Nintendo Switch is ditching motion controls (I guess) and is going for some more bonkers ass gimmicks that dont make the games any better. All they needed was to fine tune their Wii controllers (and find a better design philosophy) to make better titles. All the Wiimote is now is untapped potential. 

Every time I played Racing Transformed, I kept imagining how it would’ve played on Wii. The controller was that convenient. Fewer buttons to press, you actually feel like you’re driving a car and not a stick, and since modern racing games use the shoulder buttons for Amma knows what reason, the Wiimote felt more traditional and familiar.

You know how amazing it was to sit around playing Brawl and seeing everyone using a different control setup? None of us had working GC controllers so we just used different Wiimote configurations. One guy used a Classic Controller, another cat used nun-chucks, me and some other dude was using the standard sideways shit. Well, ol’ chucky was getting his ass whooped so he went sideways too… it was cool. Everyone had their preferred set-ups and could still enjoy the game on equal footing. The Wiimote offered people options of how they wanted to play a game.

The (stupid) thing I liked about the Wiimote was the placement of the A and B buttons, so if a game required you to presss 2 buttons (like say RE4), you could press those 2 as though you were just gripping it, and for shit like Trauma Center, it makes sense. Do you know how natural and comfortable this shit feels!? Its a silly thing to appreciate, but I like it. Hell when im playing Xenoblade or Last Story, I can kick back, have my shit behind my head, and just play all chillaxed and shit. You could swear I was playing telepathically or w/e.

Motion/pointer controls made certain games/genre’s more convenient to play.  FPS’ s would take some getting used to, especially since the developers were fans of shaky cams. The one FPS I felt warranted any praise was Red Steel 2. And I really have to applaud Ubisoft on making a competent shooter with good controls and actual sword combat that feels like they gave a damn. Nintendo had to feel shitty when a western dev outdid them once more. Then you have games like Super Monkey Ball which just feels more natural to play with a Wiimote, as well as Samba de Amigo that could be played with the standard nun-chucks. And with the numerous rail shooters, you didn’t need to buy any light-guns or extra peripherals beyond the normal 3 to enjoy the majority of titles on the system. 

What saddens me is that this was usually good for old games. When it came to brand new titles, developers (even Nintendo) used motion and pointer controls for the most benign, stupid, and unintuitive of game design. Skyward Sword will forever remain the #1 example of how not to design motion controls (you even needed motions, not the pointer, to fucking AIM!). NSMBW, certain (very little) platforms can be moved by tilting the Wiimote,  just makes the level feel disorienting and not more awesome, more so because the game isnt about using motions, here they’re just phoned in. Marvel Ultimate Alliance, you gotta flick the damn thing in retarded ways just use special moves (or tediously scroll through them in mid-fight). Fighting games, my stars! You should’ve seen the assholes trying to force motion controls on regular special moves in Guilty Gear Accent Core. Praise Amma they let you use the Classic Joe. Some genre’s just dont work at all with motion controls. Then again, there’s TvC and that 1 Naruto shit piece.

The Wiimote demanded simplicity of controls, which seemed like a good idea considering developers don’t seem terribly fond of allowing the player the luxury of customizing their controls these days. And developers tend to map controls in spots you may despise. (RE4 Wii has the “shoot”command mapped to A, what the shit..) Seeing as the Wiimote has fewer buttons and an unorthodox layout, and developers unwilling to compromise their more complex controls, we have large collections of wii games with frustrating controls, making many games virtually umplayable.

Unfortunately, because of the incompetence (or intentional sabotage) of developers, we have legions of gamers who feel that the Wiimote was a tacky gimmick. Having no positive effect on a game’s enjoyability.

When I look at the controller for the Switch, I see limitation. It offers no convenient controls for games, just an option for a screen. The Wii at least offered interesting games (sometimes) that made decent use of it’s controller to last longer than a week. Switch, its just taking your console with you. Nothing to do with making the games better.

You know what PlayStation does at least? Maintain the same controller design for newer consoles. I really wanted the Wiimote to be kept around for a while longer, but no! Its all about these fucking screens! Since when have funky screens done anything to enhance a game for you, since the original DS? Oh shit, puzzle games? RPG menu navigation? Drawing pictures? The Wiimote had more range of genres, at least.

Dont say Angry Birds…

I feel that due to the unwarranted bile thrown at the Wii, there won’t be any kind of resurgence for it, controller and all. NES and Genesis you’ll see for years. No one hated those consoles. Im pretty sure even the PSP will get some retro release in the future. 


This is more of a response to Mack151 than anything. 

There are going to be boss trainers for each island after completing the trial, but that’s still just the equivalent of four gym leaders.  A recent trailer did reveal the plot involves establishing a league in the region, however, so who knows, we might still see gyms after all.

*sigh* Fine, thats better than nothing, I suppose. 

As for the evil team and save-the-world plot… _hoo boy_.  There’s implications that the Aether Foundation is the true evil team and that they’re experimenting on Pokemon to create a god, so the player may end up working with Team Skull to stop them.  And the player will have to fight these eldritch abominations from another dimension… which which have been confirmed to be catchable.  Great missed opportunity there, GF.

Oh joy! More artificial Pokemon! And yet another thinly veiled “fight evil team to catch legendary fucks at the end of the plot” er… plot. Why does this sound like RSE?

There is a theory floating around that either these games or the inevitable Gen 4 remakes are meant to be the last entries before a proper reboot/overhaul of the series.  Gamefreak has been building up a bunch of lore around mega evolutions being powered by pokemon life energy, at least gen 6 (if not gen 5 and the remakes too) taking place in an alternate timeline/universe from Gens 1-4, and there’s a bunch of alchemy/astrology symbolism and other junk… supposedly “it all comes together” in S&M.

 Then I take that back. They’re not being lazy. They’re fucking it up.  Goddamn, this does not sound appealing in the slightest. I was already turned off from Mega Evolution just by the whole power of friendship cliche. This is all junk from other kiddy shonen cartoons that no one got into Pokemon for. Those are supposed to be the copycats, so why is Nintendo taking dibs from those knockoff cartoons? 



Amusingly enough the anime looks to be going in the opposite direction, and fans are saying that’s likely influenced by pressure to compete with Yokai Watch more than any of the other changes in the franchise.

Meh. The cartoon hasnt been good since Johto so I couldn’t care.

GF is wasting energy building up lore around a feature from Digimon.

This sounds a helluva lot worse than I thought. Nintendo is reducing this series into a generic millennial kid’s anime trash trope of a franchise. Everything described here sounds like a Digimon cartoon. 

Pokemon used to be one of the few RPGs that could get away with having little story and focused more on a series about kids traveling the world. Everything that ensued was merely a sublot. A sidequest of itself if you will. Team Rocket was just a distraction, lets be honest. All they did was impede your progress to the Pokemon League. Nothing more, nothing less. 

That was the beauty of Pokemon not only as an RPG but also as a videogame. There was no true antagonist. The game was about your growth as a Pokemon Trainer. That’s the house this series was built on. Fuck all this noise about story, the game was about you. Your own personal journey with your personally crafted team of Pokemon taking on the world

Not just any world, mind you, but a world that replicated the real one with enough simplicity that kids could understand and enough grit that even adults could relate to (before Europe bitched and took out the slot machines). You get to meet new people, run into and fight biker gangs, make your own house (secret base) etc. 

What GF is doing is taking you out the world and turning you into a spectator.  You’re playing an interactive cartoon with all the same tired Japanese tropes you’ve come to expect. A specially powered evolution tied to the strength of one’s bond is so Digimon, I expect them to start doing fusions… wait, is that Ash and Gr-…  what better way to show off the dated 3D cutscenes?

And hell, now legendary Pokemon are tied to the plots and have zero unique qualities that are supposed to make them legendary. Entei, Suicune, and Raikou at least have a mythology to them. Xernas & Ytvel were simply created by GF to give Team Flare a fucking macguffin to achieve their goals. Legendary Pokemon in the first 2 generations were considered extremely rare and highly unobtainable. Tis why they would have “legends” surrounding them and even mythologies by the locals. It gave a sense of mystery and intrigue. Now its all about ancient prophecies and doomsday scenarios that the baddies know all to well to terrorize the populas. Thanks alot Euisine, you’ve ruined the franchise.

 And the evil teams, what more can be said? A bloated element that did nothing but pad out the game’s length, and were being forced to give a shit about them. A bunch of nameless nobodies who seek to control the world or destroy it for w/e BS emo reason these clearly pretentious leaders would have. I cant even remember the bastard in charge of Flare.

But… we live in an era where Pokemon fans are so cocksmashingly shortsighted that they would defend this with the buzz phrase “stories need conflict”. No fuckwits. Stories need substance. And these stories clearly lack such an element. They’re based around characters we dont (and never will) give a fuck about. The plots are ALL THE SAME! And by the end of the game, the grand majority of the NPC’s wont even acknowledge their “contributions” meaning they were a waste of time. 

But then those fans would say “its for kids, what were you expecting!?”. Because a children’s market mandates a lack of effort. Well, to that loaded statement, I say look to the 1st 2 generations as the stories for those games REQUIRED NO EFFORT AT ALL YOU FUCKJOBS!!!

*sigh* If Pokemon needs any kind of story, you know, desperately needing conflict and all that bullshit, then it should be based around competition. A series that usually focused on your growth should have a character that motivates you to get gud. And with a series like Pokemon, its incredibly easy to do.

What were the most interesting plots of the DP anime series? Ash’s rivalry with Paul. Dawn’s performance in those stupid contests. Not team galactic or hunter J (people forgot that bitch existed). Villains are merely the peas of the series, never the meat! What do fans (kids and adults) do when they catch Pokemon. They train them for fucking battle! Mostly in preparation for competition against other trainers. Champions. Tournaments. Every fan wants to be the very best,  like no one ever was.

Instead of that, we get some half-baked evil corporation wanting to make more Mewtwo/Genesect type fucks, and you the player are forced to deal with this bloated subplot because the nitwits at GF think Pokemon should be a generic RPG. How else do you show off your dated 3D cutscenes without putting more emphasis on story? It will be yet another forgettable plot element by the time players get to the endgame because GF only allows players to have one save file. If you put so much effort into building the lore, then let players experience it more than once. Thats what ALL generic RPGs do, since you turned Pokemon into one.

And get a better composer. The current guy sucks ass. No one likes this orchestrated kids bop music.

Metal Gear Survive!?

Oh dammit, the Canada immigration site is down.

… Metal Gear. .. with zombies……Metal Gear….. with zombies. *sigh* I dont even know what to say to this. 

There’s content fluctuation, there’s content derailment, but then there’s just taking a piss. This… “game” has no logical basis for why it exists. Lets think about this.

Shadow the Hedgehog went full dark with guns a blazing. No one knows why, but 1 could play devil’s advocate and say people bitched about how kiddy Heroes was or suggest that they wanted to appeal to the market that was drowning itself in GTA and Halo.

DmC went emo with teenage angst.  No one knows why, but you could play devil’s advocate and say the old games weren’t selling as well so the game was altered to fit in with a market that enjoys angsty games (idk, I just made some shit up).

Bomberman Act Zero. Similar case to Shadow,  you could play devil’s advocate and suggest that Bomberman can’t sell by being cute and cartoony anymore,  so this was a desperate attempt to appeal to the masses. 

Sonic Boom (fufufufufufufu ), play devil’s advocate and drone on about Sega wanting a cross media franchise exclusively to sell merchandise (wait, that was the reason).

  1. People play devil’s advocate a lot more than you’d think. At least in America in regards to corporations. Any decision that is universally considered fubar, you’ll have at least one person (or asshole if you ask me) who will step in with a naive desire to defend these outrageous decisions. Hell, we had people defending BP after that oil spill. 

The Devils Advocate rarely cares about the subject by which he/she is defending, only that dissent, like crying, is an unnatural state of mind (Pokemon fans have this mindset in spades). So bizarre decisions, like turning Resident Evil into a first-person Blair Witch game similar to The Joy of Creation, would be seen as a positive by default rather than considering at all why this would upset people. Since America has such a backwards society, you see this happen more often than not. Complaining is taboo. 

These advocates are always unwarranted and unwanted. But you know what? I desperately want someone to justify this fantastic nonsense! I could care less about the Metal Gear Series, but turning it into a zombie game!? What is the business decision behind this move? What possessed them to think Metal Gear by its own merits has no appeal? Did MGSV do poorly!? 

*sigh* I keep thinking back to the commenter that suggested copyright law needs to be seriously reworked for cases like Sonic, but fuck, it needs to be revoked interiely when it comes to the Vampires at Konami! I would love to get Bomberman and Mother Fucking Bloody Roar out of their vile clutches.

Look, I know Japanese developers have this… competition going on about who can shit on their fanbases the most, with Nintendo taking first place, but Konami, if you truly want to out shitlord even the likes of Sega, then you have to do worse than this. This would make people laugh, like turning Castlevania into a porno. It shows more desperation on your part to show how much you despise your audience! People are more upset about how you treat your staff than the shit games you produce. To truly be a shitlord corporation, you must make decisions polarizing enough to warrant a Devil’s advocate, cause no one is defending you cock-suckers. After raping the Castlevania franchise,  I could care less what else you ruin. A Metal Gear title about zombies with a main  character who looks like he was ripped from Godzilla Final Wars is just laughable. Hell not just any zombie, ALIEN ZOMBIES

Seriously, can anyone defend this title!? I legit want to know!

By the balls of Ra! Nintendo no longer cares about being… unique!? This isnt surprising gai’s! Its cashing in, they want that temple run Sonic Dash money! Wait what the hell is Rayman jungle run?

Im almost saddened by this, it feels like Nintendo is just recouping their losses, or trying to. Which is funny to me, seeing that Big N was all masturbating to these touchscreens for 2 generations straight with all the “possibilities” they could unleash, they go and make some cash grab shit.

If you ask me, any game or franchise that goes and does a Temple Run knock off is a deadbeat series.They’ve got nothing left to offer and has to resort to copying this old ass… how old is Temple Run!? Goddamn, you’d think people would rip off Angry Birds! Like you’d have Yoshi shittin out eggs and flinging them at Shyguys. 

Actually, I would buy that!

But yeah man, this is their fall from grace. I remember Nintendo execs going on about never leaving the console business and would never dare consider going third-party. After this and Pokemon Go, I can tell that was hot air they were blowing. I was telling that Nintendo fan that Ninty was gonna go mobile after Pokemon Go’s success, and shit, the Switch looks about as big as a tablet.

Console gaming is turning into entertainment that’s exclusive to the rich, and here’s the symbol of the working class jumping on the Mobile gravy train goddamn all this symbolism… this fucking VR hype with $4-800 devices for a library of shitty games that even Dashie has trouble selling people on. The industry went nuts over this bullshit I keep rambling, this supposed to be about goddamn Mario…*laughing*

Or maybe its gonna be like that Robot Unicorn game or Geometry Dash. But w/e, its easy money, wont cost a 2nd mortgage for the average consumer, and Nintendo has a good excuse to be lazy with these games. Low prices (or just free) means no standards from consumers. Just make sure those fuckjobs from King dont copyright the name “run” either.

*sigh* Whats next? Bejeweled Kirby?

Hmm… the director of Deadpool wants to make a Sonic movie. Hmmmmmmmmmm

Dammit Gunvolt…

I cant believe I found a copy either. This shit dropped couple weeks back and I couldn’t find it anywhere.  It was nearly impossible. But somehow, a fucking KMart had it. Or a Target,  I cant even remember,  they’re both red… stores.

I despise with impunity… the phrase “I wanted to like this game”. Firstly because its a stupid ass phrase that makes no syntactical sense, how do you “want” to like anything? It sounds like yah stupid ass is trying to force yourself to like something. You either like it or you dont. Say you had high expectations or some shit. Least it would make some fucking sense!

*sigh* Sorry. I know everyone hates profanity or some shit. Im frustrated,  had to let off some steam, that kind of shit. Shiiit

Gunvolt collection, I’m going through the first game, hell FLYING through the first game its so piss easy. I’m at the final boss, fuck the final boss, fuck his cheap 1-hit kill bullshit moves, fuck his “Nintendo Intricacy” bullshit method of having to whoop his cheap ass… he ain‘t even hard, he’s tedious as fuck!

*deep breath*

Ok, to explain, for those who already played Gunvolt 1, you probably already know what I’m spittin, but for those who dont, Inti-Crates made a game where the main gameplay mechanic practically begs to be abused. The main character Gunvolt (who everyone calls GV as if Gunvolt is too hard or too long to pronounce,  fucking retards) has this thing called EP (electric points?) which would enable him to take no damage whatsoever. If he has like even 10% EP, he can take hits without fail. 

Thats some abusable shit, right? Well the trick to that is the Flash Field, a giant domain of electricity that doubles as a barrier and an offensive attack. But if you use FF and get hit, you take damage. Going further, you have a regular gun that does pussy damage, but is really there to “tag”enemies. Any chumps you tag, turn on FF and you shoot lightening bolts, man! Thats some cool shit, I figured I could dig it. Ain’t no Mega Man but shit, I’ll take anything. 
Of course the tagging bullshit would be used for puzzles and shit, but that’s the least of my complaints. Its about the bosses, or at least 3 of them. Remember that EP allows you to take no damage,  right? Well the ripe geniuses at Inti Crates thought that since EP could be abused, they would give some of these limey fucks 1-hit kill moves or moves that simply leave no margin for error if you make the wrong moves. For instance, that twin bitch in the zombie place has a move that freezes you in place where they can hit you, you take massive damage and could possibly die. I didnt figure out that she was apparently medusa and you had to look away fast because some butterfly heifer (lumene I think?) sung my ass to life and was overpowered to the point of absurdity.But w/e. 

Then you got Stratos’ bitch ass move where if you dont destroy his claws fast enough, they will crush you. I dont know why it was harder to tag the claws than stratos himself, but w/e. After about 3 times of trying to figure out what the hell I was doin wrong (I was trying to fry Stratos himself hoping to interrupt his bullshit, like a Dumbass), I beat him and move on to the final 4 levels, and then this final boss bullshit.

So first part has you fighting “Nova” (how original) who has a magical fairy helping him set up a barrier and what ensues is the most tedious shit in this game. You have to constantly shock the bitch with FF, quickly tag Nova, then fry his ass over and over, these cunts are flying around throwing fireballs I dont give a shit about, then I crush him. Then he morphs into some gay Sepharoth lookin fuck of a final boss, its obligatory for final bosses to look like oversized… fucked up angels these days in Japan so why the fuck not!?

So its more of this barrier shit, you gotta tagshock these 2 robots on the side, and then tag his chest piece and quickly shock it before the barrier comes back, just more tedious bullshit like before. I tried this bitch 4 times cause the 1st 3 times I kept falling off the goddamn cliffs trying to dodge these big ass green fireballs that randomly fall at certain locations. The 4th time was the real kicker. 

So I get his health pretty low. Angel fuckery Nova does his Super Bullshit comet, and now I’m on a goddamn time limit! I have to kill this asshole while knowing I have to avoid his other attacks and disable a force field. I was this close to killing him! He had nothing left to stop me, but those fucking fireballs! I dodge one that appears in the center, but I didnt want to jump cause that comet was real close. Fireball splits into 4 fuckballs and knocks me onto the edge of the ring. I didn’t fall off, but instinctively I jumped… into the goddamn comet… and Im dead! FUCKING DEAD!!!

I’ve never screamed so much, I thought my throat was going to bleed! You know what the best is!? You die in part 2 of this cunt? You start at the beginning of part 1. How archaic is this shit!? I had to redo that tedious fuck of a boss just to get to another tedious fuck of a boss. Thats 8 tedious fucks too many!!

You know… if your main gameplay mechanic is that abusable that you have to resort to artificial difficulty on multiple occasions… then you have a fucking problem! Cause now its tedious and frustrating!!! The fuck am I supposed to think of this game with all its bullshit now? Sorry… its not the whole game that reeks of bullshit, its these stupid ass boss fights with cheap 1-hit kill moves back to back

The EP-Tag-FF gameplay in itself is also boring. If I have a fucking gun, I dont intend on doin some laser-tag bullshit, I Want Things To Die. It really slows down the pacing of the game when I have to shoot some assholes, get some distance or hide, and then electrocuted them from a safe distance, see that’s the problem with this game and most other indie games like this (if this is an indie game, I dont know). Everyone is trying to be Nintendo and make a whole bunch of intricate nonsense gameplay because Indies have some sort of mental disorder that says “unique gameplay mechanics make a great game”, it doesnt! If it lends itself to bullshit like these asinine boss fights, then no, just no!
Intricate gameplay is completely unnatural. The combat in Gunvolt is slow and boring, easy as shit with boss fights that are cheap just so w/e fanboys this game probably has can say “hey, this game is challenging u just suck” get the fuck outta here. I wanted a decent Mega Man fix, instead I got a Nintard docking his dick into a cartridge and calling it ZX3.

*chuckles* Im not… trying to say this game is terrible. Its not good, but I’ve played worse. Im just tired of looking at games that seem kick ass just to find some nonsense in it that makes it unfun, like that Dragon’s Crown, I dont think I could ever play it again, I’d blow my fucking brains out. I expected Gunvolt to be more natural. Guy with a baddass gun running and gunning. This laser-tag mechanic is just dumb.

I do hope Gunvolt 2 is better, though. I’d hate to have paid $30 for a collection that ultimately sucks.

Edit: Oh Amma, I actually fucking beat it! Yeah!

*Ending*

Wait, so now it wants me to go back to previous levels and do fetch quest work, then fight the final bitch all over again to get the true ending!?

Hahahahahahahahahaha fuck you game. Do people know what replay value is anymore? 

Turtles vs Robots

At the beginning of this blog, I tried to do a series of posts centered around comparing 2 games of similar content or genre. Like a versus series of sorts. I think the last one I made was Rayman Origins vs DKCR. Then I got bored of doing those because its… not at all that easy to find unique games to compare. Plus I didn’t want the victors of those comparisons to be too obvious. I had the idea of pitting Vanquish against Binary Domain, but you’d need a brain tumor to even entertain the thought of choosing the latter.

So I left ye old vs posts to rot away and never be remembered. That is… until P* (Platinum Games) decided to cash in on childhood dreams. 

Ok they were commissioned by Activision but who really cares at this point? Since Transformers and Ninja Turtles experienced a revival of sorts (unfortunately at the hands of a Pervy pyromaniac) Activision saw fit to profit off of a new generation’s new found interest in old brands. As an added plus, they decided to entice older fans of both franchises by adding in a touch of nostalgia by bringing back classic designs (at least for Hasbro’s shit). 

Even more, they hired Platinum Studios to make the games. And who better!? These guys made Anarchy Reigns and Metal Gear Rising!

Unfortunately, along with their talent,  they brought their curse as well, both games were bombs with fans and critics alike, and were quickly forgotten before it released.

That said, if you were to buy just one, which would be the better title? Its the battle of the childhoods! IMPACT! …Yeah that’s what I usually say at the end of.. ah fuck I dont remember. 

I dont remember how I usually rated them, process or nothin, so I’ll just give a summary of both games separately without rating them until I get to the comparisons.

So lets start off with my childhood heroes, The Teenage mutant ninja turtles: Mutants in Manhattan

MiM has a very basic premise. Shredder and Krang are up to no good and its up to the Ninja Turtles to stop him. So they do

The game has 10 stages, with the second half of stages reusing the first 5 layouts. The goal of each level is to score enough points to reach the end boss. So for many, the game will remind P* fans of Madworld, right down to the frame rate. You of course fight classic Tmnt villains Rocksteady, Bebop and Karai,  along with 3 I’ve never heard of (Wingnut? ).

That said, all that can be discussed is its gameplay. You take control of w/e turtle you choose,  not that it matters as you can switch between characters mid-stage. The controls are what you expect from a modern day beat em up. Light and heavy attacks with the occasional jumping. Each turtle has their own unique attacks and combos owing to their signature weapons. Leonardo has twin katanas,  Raphael has twin sais, Donatello has a bostaff, and my man Michaellangello has nun-chucks. I cant believe Bay turned Mikey into a pussy for out of the shadows. You can also dodge and block moves, but its confusing to explain. I’ll talk about why when we get to the comparisons.

 You can command the other 3 turtles but it doesn’t do much. You can also use special attacks which can be equipped before a stage. Up to four can be used, many of which have to be unlocked first, and each turtle has 1 unique special. Leo has chaos control, Raph becomes invisible to enemies,  Donnie heals, and Mikey… uses pom poms to reset everyone’s cool down. Personally I never saw him as that much of a dork, but I’ll roll with it. Also when 2 turtles use their combo attack special, they pull off additional moves! If Leo leads (IE he did his combo move before another turtle) you do a rapid spin attack. Raph lead causes an explosion,  Donnie some… ninja illusion slash (?), and Mikey pulls a moonwalker and forces enemies to dance! Goddamn Mikey is awesome! Special attacks can be improved by paying some gems (it can be pricey!)

You can also equip charms which give you bonus abilities like more attack power, auto healing,  faster special cooldown. The amount of charms you can equip is dependent on the difficulty mode you choose.  You’ll be able to improve certain charm bonuses by finding materials from enemies and bosses. Or you can dismantle them and randomly get a new charm.

In each stage, like I said, you need to score enough points to reach the boss. This is harder said than done. Each stage has randomly generated missions that give you a huge score boost. So doing these missions are crucial to reaching a boss.

So thats the run-down for Mutants in Manhattan. Lets check out Transformers Devastation. That actually sounds like a movie title.

I wasn’t a Transformers fan, but I could understand the appeal. Boys liked cars and robots, so they put a car in a robot so it could change from a car to a robot! …I shouldve commissioned for an Xzibit meme

Anywho, the game’s premise is… also pretty simple. Megatron and… is it Shockwave? These robot names are hard to remember,  they all look the same… anyhow,  they plan to use a starship called the Proudstar to terraform the Earth into another Cybertron,  so the Autobots try to stop them. But then they find that the Proudstar holds the history of Cybertron within its database and have a dilemma about whether or not to destroy or preserve the ship.

This game will remind P* fans of Bayonneta because that cunt ass dodging system is back. You know, dodge at the last minute to slow down time. The game’s battle system is pretty simple, you’ve got the same beat em up controls as everything else. You have access to a plethora of weapons ranging from sabers, claws, hammers,  dual sabers, etc. But you can also use firearms ala Deadpool style (if you played that game, you’ll know). Its kinda like LBX or Custom Robo, this game.  As expected, you have the ability to find better weapons in higher difficulties. 

You’ve got 5 autobots to choose from. The overrated Optimus prime,  Bumblebee (praise Amma he’s not voiced by that goddamn Johnny Young Bosh anymore), someone called Sideswipe, Wheeljack, and a “Dinobot” called Grimlock. There’s very little difference between the five aside from stats, what weapons they can use, and special attacks.

Also, you have the ability to equip certain chips to provide bonuses. The amount you can equip depends on the character’s level (yeah you have to level up in this game) and you can either buy them or create them for a cheap price.

There aren’t any stages but “chapters”. The game is kinda open-world with only 2 environments (city, spaceship). As expected from open-world games, you have missions to complete which requires a lot of backtracking. All the missions boil down to destroying bosses anyway. There’s also a challenge mode where… well what else? Play challenges! It’s an easy way to earn experience and money as well as gain better weapons. 

So thats the gist of Transformers Devastation. Now that we have that out the way,  its time to DDDDDDUEL!!! …I think I said some shit like that…

I thought it would be appropriate somehow. .. fuck it.

I’ve always been a Turtles fan. The movies, the cartoon. Everything. I’m one of the retards who liked the CGI movie, at least they acted like ninjas for a change. And im one of the fuckwits who liked Shredder in the first Bay Turtles movie. Come on, he was such a beast! Flying swords and everything! Yeah he looked like shit, but compared to the fugly ass turtles, he looked like a hundred bucks. *sigh* Yeah, I love me some Ninja turtles

…………………….Get Transformers

No no wait, dont go yet! Lemme explain!

Now, both of these games are very similar in gameplay and content. There’s something to enjoy for fans of both franchises. But here, it all comes down to execution and the amount of fucks given.

STORY: Transformers

Read the opening premises for both the Turtles and Transformers. Yeah, I didnt write anything for turtles. There’s nothing to write about. The plot is that thin. Krang again wants to open a portal to dimension X, like I haven’t seen that story a million times in the cartoon. And Shredder is just there. What is his motive!? You wouldn’t have a clue. And the Turtles just go to stop him. How the fuck does Bay Turtles have more depth than a game of fanservice? 

On the other hand, I dont know shit about Transformers and I regret not being a fan. This is pretty dramatic and awesome shit! Terraforming an entire planet which would doom the human race to extinction!? And a moral dilemma? At least I have a good understanding  what Megatron is up to.

There’s a semblance of motivation on Transformers’s end. I couldn’t give 2 damns about the Turtles. And no, the Ninja Turtles are not under-developed  shells (hehe), they’ve had arcs a plenty, even if most of them boiled down to Raphael’s jealousy of Leonardo, there’s lots of material they could’ve used, they did nothing.
ART DESIGN: Transformers

The Ninja Turtles are pretty hideous to look at in this game. Why is everyone trying to give them noses!? The old cartoon had the perfect designs for them, especially seasons 8-10. Hell, the CGI film had fantastic designs. I cant even look at their faces. They’re not as ugly as Bay Turtles,  but goddamn. Transformers!? They REUSED THE OLD 80S DESIGNS!!! Well what the hell was wrong with the 80’s turtles that you made them look like bitches!?

Also the environments look better in Transformers. Color! Actual Color! The turtles game looks all dark and grungy,  the environments are about as colorless as a mime. They’re both cel-shaded, but cel-shaded games have some color on them, the turtles game looks depressing half the time. 

GENERAL GAMEPLAY: Ninja Turtles

At its core, Turtles did have better combat. All of these special attacks and combinations you could pull off, as well as having the option to switch between characters mid-stage was a plus. That and having all 4 turtles fighting at once made it feel more like you were on a team. Also having that ability to switch between characters meant you could switch skill sets on the fly, making the game feel more free form.

Transformers is more rigid with its rules. There is no team, its just you facing hordes of sometimes cheap and overpowered enemies. I did like being able to change from car to robot without restrictions, but when it comes to fighting,  it gets kinda repetitive. You hit the enemies and dodge shit until you flash yellow and hit R2 to do yo special, rinse and repeat. Im kind of confused why in some parts you get assistance from the other Autobots but when a big bitch like Menasor (did I spell that right?) comes out, those assholes disappear. Thanks for the backup yah jackasses!!

Only thing I can say is at least Transformers has better long range options.  All you have in Turtles are shurikens. I forgot to mention that earlier, but it might as well not be in the game, it’s useless. The dodging mechanics are also better here. I hated it in Bayonneta,  but it made sense.  You dodge as soon as you’re attacked to slow down time. In turtles its all fucked up. Dodging and requires its own stamina meter for no good reason (you would go into your shell and spin around for as long as that button is held) but worse yet is if you want to grab onto an enemy or boss, get this, you have to let go of the dodge button at the last minute… and then hit circle at the right time! Thats retarded as hell. It doesn’t feel natural at all, its like trying to throw a fireball in Street Fighter 1. Its arbitrary execution complexity for no reason, this maneuver doesn’t even do a lot of damage, its just a fancy move for comedy purposes but its not funny. And then you have these packs of nitwits who go on about “P* games take skill to play”, this doesn’t take skill at all. Studying AI patterns is easy. Blocking or dodging at the right moment to produce an unrewarding bonus effect doesn’t mean shit. And turtles game is pure proof of that.

MUSIC AND SOUND: Tie

The soundtracks aren’t impressive to be honest. I guess for music I’d lean towards the Turtles. Its regular arcade stage music, not atmospheric movie music that plagues every game just about. Plus in Transformers,  because you were fighting minibosses everywhere you go, you hear the same song over and over again until you blow your goddamn brain out.

Sound would go to Transformers though.  Sound effects were much better, the game sounds amazing to be honest.  When fights get really chaotic, it sounds like  fucking warzone! Turtles, not so much. Especially when it comes to blunt attacks sounding like tapping wood half the time. None of the hits sound painful or anything, hell half the time the sound effects are so low you dont even know you’re getting attacked by enemies off screen. 

There’s also the matter of voice acting and this pisses me off personally. For Transformers they went and got the original voice actors to come back. I dont know if they’re all the original cast, I do know that’s Peter Weller and Frank Welker as Prime and Megatron respectively. Why not for the Turtles game  well? The turtles just sound off! Nolan North was great as Deadpool, but he’s no Leonardo. I dont mind Steven Blum in any role and for someone like Krang, its actually a step up. But I would kill for Cam Clarke to come back as Leo. Fucking love Cam Clarke, this guy is main character material. Shits all over Johnny Young Bosch. 

For those who dont know him, you might’ve known him as…

Max Sterling: Robotech

Kaneda: Akira 1988 Dub

Liquid Snake: MGS1 & 2

Bakuryu and Cronos: Bloody Roar Primal Fury

Jack Archer: Robotech Battlecry

Kratos: Tales of Symphonia

Thor & Dare Devil: Marvel Ultimate Alliance

The Guy just rips ass. 

GAME DESIGN: Transformers

This was ultimately the deciding factor. The decisions that went into the final product leans into Transformers favor. It doesnt have bullshit rules.

if you enjoyed the Turtles, good for you. People who enjoyed a game are more likely to want to get the most out of it. And if you want to play on higher difficulties,  you’re gonna need stronger turtles. But unlike Transformers, there is no leveling system to speak of. So there is no other way besides… hmmm.

Remember the charms bit from the Turtles overview? Yeah, this shit killed the game for me. First off, whoever thought it was a good idea to restrict charm slots by difficulty is a dick. You have 3 slots, but you can only use 1 on both easy and normal mode, 2 on hard, and 3 on rapist mode. And ofcourse you get the best charms on the highest mode.

This wouldnt be a huge issue if the game’s difficulty wasnt bullshit half the time. Naturally on higher difficulties,  enemied have more health and attack power, but you literally have to relearn this shit because enemies start deflecting your attacks… repeatedly. Its gets borderline tedious to the point of insanity, its like half the time you’re not even damaging enemies,  you’re just trying to outlast them because they’re fucking cheap now. 

Not to mention this game has a fetish for stone golems. These asshats have a wretched amount of health and super armor! Oh and if you’re playing on very hard, your health is dramatically reduced to 4. And these fuckers hit hard. 1-2 hits, you’re dead. Your only means of survival are abusing combination attacks and having good charms. But even on higher difficulties,  you randomly encounter an enemy samurai that can kill you in one hit. Why the fuck would they put an enemy like that in the game? Its irritating, you’re trying to do something and fuckwad-san comes out of nowhere and kills you and your team.

Transformers gets really bullshit on higher difficulties as well , but its not impossible. Shit, I beat very hard in less than 4 days. Transformers has a leveling system, you get stronger the more you play and its easy to get better weapons. Turtles,  the stats are fixed and you dont get better weapons at all. You can power up your special attacks, but it means dick on higher difficulties as the enemies have way too much goddamn health. You need the charms.

What kills that though are the drop rates. Enemies rarely ever drop anything, more likely it would be some health pickups. And most charms that do drop rarely have anything you’re looking for. And you need to make sure its YOU who kills the enemy and not any AI controlled turtles, because you wont get any items if they kill the enemies. But even thats impossible most of the time! These fuckjobs put in a stealth kill system that if the enemy doesn’t notice or see you,  you can kill them in 1-hit (or do nothing but piss off stone golems). But the enemies often times smell your ass a mile away and will turn around to see you more often than not. And while you’re struggling to kill this 1 enemy, your asshole comrades wont be noticed by any enemy and can steal your kills. This has happened on several occasions. The AI teams are a double-edge sword, they make it impossible to get charms. Combined With the piss drop rates, it would be a wonder if you got anything at all. If you do get any charms, try not to die. You’ll lose w/e items you got from enemies,  including charms. Ofcourse with how bullshit this game gets, you’re more likely to bite the dust eitherway.

What kind of Bullshit am I talking about? Since this game is all about score attacks,  if you get a high enough score, you get to fight 2 bosses at the same time! Why is that a reward!? I don’t know. But on higher difficulties(!), your score is tripled,  so you end up fighting them anyway! 

So instead, maybe you could just upgrade the charms you do manage to get? Yeah right. Upgrading requires score points and materials you get from enemies and bosses. And the costs are massive. Each upgrade costs an astronomical amount of 3 different items plus score points. And bosses barely drop shit, some upgrades require 5 Karai medals, its hard enough trying to kill this Crazy bitch, you’d have to fight her like 10 times to get anything.

Its broken. Its fucking broken. This game pushes you to play on higher difficulties but makes it borderline fucking insane to play through or enjoy. Its literally impossible to get anything accomplished. Not to mention it feels unfinished. Some stages have randomly generated areas, even the boss retread stage because they’re all fought in a random order, and sometimes you might not even fight every boss, maybe 3 at worst. The enemies are tedious and overpowered, and fighting bosses are a chore. Ra help you if you have to fight 2 of them. P* is usually better than this, what the fuck were they smoking when they made this shit!?

Transformers is balanced in everything it does. Drop rates are fair, weapon and skill upgrades make sense and arent at all demanding of hard to get materials,  you just sacrifice certain weapons to make one better. You can even make your own skill chips.

That and I find turtles boring for the same reason I found Madworld boring. Its a lousy score attack game where you grind a high score just to complete a level. 

OVERALL: Transformers

I found both games to be a desperate attempt at P* repackaging their old games into 80’s nostalgia, but ultimately Transformers wins for the mere fact that it had more care and effort put into it. Its a generic beat em up, but it works. Its not frustrating beyond all reason and it certainly has more charm to it. Turtles is a bunch of decent ideas, but the execution is terrible. It never feels like you’re getting anywhere in terms of growth, you’re constantly hitting walls because the game’s design is not refined. It simply does not work. Its asinine to make enemies nigh impossible to beat with fixed stats but reduced health and no continues. Make the game hard, not artificial.

*sigh*….I’m sorry childhood heroes, but Transformers Devastation wins!