Category: Namco ramblings

I dont even think anyone comes here anymore. 😛

Where to begin? Well aside from literally wanting to kill cats and the Warner Bros. for FUCKING CANCELLING MKX… nothing really. Some reason, I now have a laptop as a gift… which caused unnecessary drama too foolish to explain. Deadpool movie was the tits. That’s rich. Fox did X-Men right for a change! That was 100% vintage Deadpool! And unlike the game,  the comedy didn’t feel forced at all! …….oh who am I kidding, I’ll be “wrong” about that somehow.

Anywho, gamewise, I’ve come to learn something. Namco is to Japanese games as a curling iron is to the dick.

Shit… redefined

To be a Tales fan means to have to constantly battle against any and all desires to interact with the fans of said franchise, for there is no threat to your sanity greater  than those that live and breathe this shit.

The Tales games I only invest in for comedic purposes as thus far, somehow, the Japanese actually learned how to be funny… or the localizers used to work on the Mario RPGs. At first glance, you could look at these games and assume they’re Japanese wank fests (it’s not THAT far from the truth), but by some bastion of great fortune, these games managed to exceed the stereotypical nonsense that most JRPGs are prone to (like Star Ocean), and actually entertains you. Sure, they’re long, stretched out, padded out the ass, and can wax poetic about nonsense like the rest of the Animu shmuck, but hey, as long as it’s not a huge bore, then it’s all good.

…….That stopped being the case with Zestiria.

This game, for some reason, managed to be worse than Xillia 1. Worse than Abyss. Worse than… hell, Sticker Star! Yeah…. that’s right, bitch! Sticker Star kicks more ass than Zestiria! Why!? That game’s mere premise alone writes itself!!

……… Oh nevermind. Lets get into it.

Bullshit is about Sorey, your typical JRPG protagonest who is confident, adventurous, and gets randomly picked as the chosen one to save the world, simply because a girl likes him. Sorey is on a mission to liberate the world from the “malevolence”.

He is joined by his best friend Mikleo, a character named after a McDonalds Happy Meal, and has a permanently resting bitch face. One would assume he would be a rival or possibly evil person, but no, he’s just the buttmonkey who complains about everything.

Along the way, Sorey gains the motivation to bring Humans and Seraphim together in harmony. Oh right… Seraphim are beings that live among Humans. Humans can’t see them (except for Sorey) or interact with them in any way. Which makes one of Sorey’s desires… pretty impossible to pull off… or just make sense of. He wants to bring 2 species together when one doesn’t even know the other exists. Right. Someone didn’t check the logic of their universe before handing out character motivations. Oh right, Mikleo is a Seraph too, which makes it look like Sorey is talking to himself… but barely anyone cares.

Sorey is also joined by Lailah, the fanservice bimboo who looks like a stick figure with boobs. Basically a One-Piece character. The voice of reason who randomly rambles about rabbits when conversations get uncomfortable, or makes really shitty attempts at humor because reasons. I would’ve guessed that this was because she was hiding some vaguely terrible secret, that ol’ foreshadowing technique, but an inept idiot could figure out the plot a mile away. And of course, the cast of characters are inept idiots.

Next, there’s Edna, a total cunt that makes Anise Tatlin look the best damn character in Abyss. A “child” genius, she insults everyone’s intelligence, constantly harrasses the McSandwich man, gives everyone stupid nicknames because Japan that would be cute, and makes lewd jokes. Also contributes to 0% of the plot, making her creation solely to piss you off.

Lastly, you have Dezel who’s just as much of a jerkass as Edna… but he dies…. so instead you have Zavied, a shirtless guy voiced by Guile in SF4. Zavied is just a black Zelos Wilder… without all the annoying qualities, and actually makes the game better by default.

Then you have Alisha, a hot white chick voiced by Chun Li from SF4. A princess who fights with a spear, is proactive, will do anything for the safety of her country, and doesn’t cry about shit! But then she leaves when you find out Sorey is allergic to real women… so instead you have to put up with The Mary Sue, Rose. A ninja chick whose only real quality is dat ass. She’s the leader of a merchant… that moonlights as an assasins guild. And somehow a bitch who threatens a kid is pure enough to be Sorey’s Squire…. oh fuck, I forgot to explain that.

*Deep Breath*

Sometime in the beginning of the game, Sorey becomes a “shepard”, a being that can make pacts with warrior Seraphs to kick sufficient amounts of ass, and save the world from the “Malevolence”, which is really just humanity’s own evil (this is game is about religion. Yep). Sorey can also “Armatize” (a fancy word for “fusion” because Japan LOVES fusions! Fusions are IMPOSSIBLE TO ESCAPE!) with the 4 aformentioned Seraphs (Mikleo, Edna, Lailah, Zaveid/Dezel). As a Shepard, Sorey can… “hire” a squire to assist him. Alisha was originally that Squire. But for some reason, Sorey kept losing his senses. Somehow, that was Alisha’s fault. Lets see, a Shepard had to be all pure and shit, and I guess that also applies to the squire. But there was absolutely NOTHING to imply that Alisha was impure. Infact, she was anything BUT impure. But w/e. Japan needed a “BS the player by taking away one of their party members” quota filled and Alisha was the first victim”.

The replacement would be Rose, a bitch so upseld, she’s pure enough to be a better squire than Alisha and even ARMATIZE as well, even though she 1.) Threatened a Child. 2.) Deceived Knights. 3.) Fucking murdered people (she is an assasin, afterall). 4.) Punched the Shepard himself. 5.) Talks about people behind their backs. And of course, she gave the world a pretext for war… so yeah, I’m gonna call bullshit and say Namco played favoritism with this character. Doesn’t help her personality is dismissive. It wouldn’t be enough to bullshit with her, but the game expects you to admire her as much as everyone else does. Even Mikleo, the guy who is overly critical about EVERYONE in the game… believes her dismissiveness is “awesome”. And everyone else follows suit in praising her for basically talking shit.

And the game…doesn’t….stop…. praising her. She might as well be the main character! It must be dat ass…

These days, JRPGs are dependent on good story because they have nothing else going for them, and Zestiria is FUCKED UP about both it’s narrative AND it’s characters. The Story gets repetitive after Alisha leaves, the characters themselves are irritating and/or dull, and shifting all the focus from how to make the world a better place, but to how the game can glorify Rose even further than she needs. The non-stop egotrain that is Rose destroys any semblance of “giving fucks” I might have had with the game, cause in the end, I wanted them all to die… which actually happens. No bullshit.

Anywho, I haven’t even gotten to the GAMEPLAY… which actually makes the experience WORSE. For those who played Xillia 2, awesome battle system, right? Fast paced, easy to understand, easy to play, and Chromatus made everything a joke. Yeah… take EVERYTHING AWAY… and completely fuck it all up. All of it. Fucked beyond. Beyond fucked, I don’t care.

The original battle system of every game starting with Symphonia was basically Smash Bros. meeting Street Fighter. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked. Battles were fought in 3D arenas with 2D fighting. Characters walked in straight lines toward their enemies and had regular melee attacks and special attacks mapped to a different button. Both moves are done Smash Bros. style so pressing in a direction while pressing special does something and yadda yadda. You could FULLY CUSTOMIZE your characters moves and what not. If this laptop didn’t suck ass so much, I could find pictures to illustrate this. Just go to youtube or some shit. 😛

With a battle system that WORKED JUST FINE, Namco buttfucks the money bed and decides to change it for absolutely no reason other than “because change is awesome”. Now the battle system is in Psuedo 3D and it is literally impossible to perform precise moves. Instead of 2D battles where the camera is situated horizontaly with your party on the left hand side and enemies on the right-hand, now you have stupid 3rd person wannabe shit going on now. Changing the camera perspective was the absolute dumbest move in Tales history. It feels awkward walking up and down when spent all this time walking left and right… like in a fighting game! Depth perception wasn’t an issue until here where I have to try even harder to judge the distance between me and my enemies. The amount of times I’ve missed attacks by even a few inches because I can’t see the space I should’ve cleared is a hassle. I felt like I had to use Semi-auto for once! Fucking hate Semi-auto.

It’s harder to perform normal attacks and special moves. Not because of the camera, but because the actual moves themselves changed. Back in the past, normals and specials were mutually exclusive. Normal attacks had their own combos and what not. In Zesty, however, Namco decided to migrate… fucking specials into normal attack combos. You know what that means!? If you want to use Sword Rain or some shit, you have to press Normal 4 fucking times and the 4th, you have to press into a direction for that specific move to come out. This is like those combo rings that Long and Shenlong had in Bloody Roar, but unfun. Because battle controls are kinda wonky, you end up whiffing your combos. So you may get to use Sword Rain, or you may not.

If moves like Sword Rain remained as purely special attacks, I wouldn’t care. But having to endure these migrated special Normal Combo Rings during a battle ends up being a real drag.

Then there’s the Armatis system. The aformentioned “fusion” system because Japan masterbates to fusions, Sorey and that irritating bitch can Armatize with the other 4 party members to gain new powers. Lailah will give you a fire sword, Mikleo gives you a Hydro Bow, Edna gives you Rock fists, and Dezel/Zaveid gives you… windy wings? Meh, the Armatis system was fun at first, but then it present a glaring problem. You would need at least 2 characters that weren’t Seraphs present… at all times. Meaning if you wanted to avoid using Rose or Sorey… tough titty. You have to put up with those 2 in every….single….battle. This mean Rose’s terrible AI will blow through your Seraphs fast. About that, if you die but have an extra Seraph in reserve, you could swap out 1 Seraph for the other, Armatize, and abuse this for the whole game… if ROSE doesn’t ruin everything. Good thing Seraphs can self heal, even after knockout.

So Armatize would be kewl… if… you know… enemies didn’t arbitrarily ramp up all kinds of resistences. You see, midway through this unnecessarily long fuck of a game, enemies start gaining random super armor, meaning that you attack them, they don’t get stunned, and you might get hurt in the process. Enemies such unbelievable resistences, particularly normal and they love to resist fire. Armatis gives you permant elemental attacks so if you fight an enemy with fire resistence, Lailah is useless. But what if you fight enemies with 2 resistences? Then you’re handicapped. Armatis is, unfortunately, the only way to do any real damage to enemies, particularly Lailah and Edna Armatizing, so if enemies have an assload of resistences (and shit, quite a few enemies have had up to 4 fucking resistences), that Armatis won’t do you a bit of good. And this also goes for that bullshit Combo Ring. You have to keep good memory of what each move does, elemental properties… oh who am I kidding, you might whiff into a move that has exactly what the enemies are resistant against, so you’re fucked either way.

Did I mention there’s a fucking STAMINA SYSTEM in this game!? Oh yes, Namco MASTERBATES to stamina systems! Thank Amma that Tekken and Soul Calibur don’t have that bullshit, but Namco makes sweet luv to de Stamina systems. Instead of an MP meter, your special attacks (and even your NORMAL attacks) run on Stamina. It depletes little by little everytime you attack, free run, etc. Here’s the thing. THe less Stamina you have, the more damage you do, which is basically 1 big fuck you, because then you’d attack lesser and less. This little quirk makes no sense overall and means if you want to do more damage (which is about as noticable as a good Sonic game these days) you’d have to mash away. Oh but that’s not even the worst part. You know that whole cooking thing the Tales series had? You know, that totally useless feature that you never used? Well, you better start using it  because if you don’t feed your asshole team, their stamina starts getting lowered before a battle starts, so if they’re hungry, their stamina might be at fucking Zero. Dats right! You have to actually FEED the bastards! But wait… if I starved them, they do more damage. WORK FOR YOUR MEALS, ASSHOLES!

TLDR, fuck you battle system. You ruined everything. Even the pacing is slower than dirt.

Zestiria is a game that makes me run away from the franchise. The bullshit I assumed about the series before was epitomized in this game. I can’t believe I miss Jude Mathis. At least he kept his mouth shut.. most of the time. Actually, now that I think about it, the Xillia folks were probably the most down to Earth characters in the whole series. But here, it’s like the characters aren’t even… organic. They’re poorly written cardboards for the most part.

And even the gameplay was ruined. You’d think as stagnate as Japanese developers are, they would keep everything as it is with some minor gimmick (Armatus), but shit. I couldn’t even stomach finishing the damned game. Do not play… ever.

Getting away from Tales crap, I soon looked at my collection and had no idea I bought so many Namco games (since company logos are invisible to me until I first boot up the game). Digimon All Star Rumble, had no idea Namco was behind it… probably why that game sucks. J-Stars Victory Vs, no idea Namco was behind it, surprised it doesn’t suck. Dragonball XenoVerse, same story as J-Stars.

And before anyone asks, yeah, I bought J-Stars Victory Vs. And I love it. Come on, why would I pass up the opportunity to take YuYu Hakusho and mother fucking Ruroni Kenshin… and beat the literal shit out of those Naruto characters!!!!!!? ……….It’s RURONI KENSHIN!! Young asses don’t know SHIT about real cartoons! Was hoping Inuyasha was in this game so I could whoop his ass too. Faggot ass Samurai with Cat ears!? Come on…

All 3 of these games have the same glaring issue. Micromanagement. And like I said, Namco jacks off to micro management. Each of these 3 games present “systems” where you must manage a Stamina bar while fighting against hoardes of Astonishingly good AI. You need Stamina to Dash, to use specials, to power up, to guard against attacks, to escape combos, you name it. Each of these games require a Stamina meter. And I ask WHYYY!? Some would argue that it balances the game, and I say they’re idiots. You don’t balance the game by handicapping the players, you balance the game by making sure the characters aren’t too goddamn powerful. And looking at Namco’s track record, fighting game balance isn’t their strongest quality.

Players like to spam moves. If it’s useful, they will not hesistate to abuse the ability. The only safe bet is to not put in such powerful fucking moves in the first place. Stamina systems of any kind only serve to hinder a player from increasing his/her chances of winning a match. It’s literally ridiculous that a single company has produced more games with Stamina ass wankery than an RPG company would. And for Dragon Ball, it’s overkill. We already have the ever-present Ki meter, but we need a secondary meter for other basic functions such as GUARDING!? I can’t tell you how many times getting Guard Broken has ruined my chances of winning missions, cause guard breaks means your whole stamina meter is destroyed and you need to recharge it. During recharge, you can’t guard, dash, or anything useful. It’s like getting dizzied in a regular fighter, but more obnoxious. If Tekken started using a Stamina, I wouldn’t be surprised but I doubt the fanbase would ass kiss that shit.

It’s like Namco set out to bust my balls with every game they produce. Even though I enjoy J-Stars and XenoVerse, these Stamina Systems ruin everything.

*sigh* Got 2 weeks of internet and a shitty Icraig to write this on…



Fuck me.

Why was it decided that Lost Swords would be singleplayer only?

The reason that we went singleplayer…well, originally, we were thinking about having a multiplayer option, but because we’re going with a pay-to-win model, we were worried that by having online multiplayer, for all the new users that would be coming in experiencing the game for the first time, they might be immediately deterred by fighting against opponents who had superior equipment and gear—and we didn’t want to have that kind of negative impact on new players.

In the singleplayer experience, having a pay-to-win structure won’t impede the player’s experience with the game.

What’s sad is that they’re blatantly calling it a Pay-To-Win model. And are aware that no one likes this business model. Yet they’re going along with it anyway, confident that it will succeed.

A fighting game necessitates multiplayer. It is the purest form of competitive multiplayer. Removing the multiplayer, more or less, removes the main reason people play fighting games.

The problem of Soul Calibur since Soul Blade was that the games treated themselves more like RPGs than actual fighting games. Players would find themselves customizing their characters/weapons/what not more so than actually fighting. Soul Calibur 4 became more about stats and equipment rather than skill and execution, mainly because the fighting in Soul Calibur isn’t really good. Even then, it’s still fun to bash your opponents in brutal ways.

Namco’s proposition to exclude multiplayer from a fighting game is insane for a multitude of reasons, but their stated proposal is to not alienate anyone from their desired business model. Pay-to-Win is unpopular for good reason. Having to purchase digital items with real money to gain a statistical advantage in a video game causes divides and balance issues. Cutting out the multiplayer only masks the problem. That you are banking on the players to be addicted enough to pay money to get further and further into the game. But who wants to play a single player fighting game? One that you have to “Pay to Win” against an AI opponent? Fighting the AI is simply not fun. Artificial opponents are, no matter what the programming, prone to one-dimensional patterns where they perform the same moves over and over and might lose or win too much depending on the programming. Essentially, this would admit that Namco’s AI programming is terrible and that Soul Calibur can’t be a game measured by it’s fighting mechanics, but more so it’s RPG elements.

This is beyond the threshold of insanity. But what is most concerning is how comfortable they are with calling it what it is. As though they don’t fear losing money off of Lost Swords. It really shows just how confident Japanese developers are in digital considering almost all of the big J devs profits are coming from digital releases. After all, Tekken Revolution was clearly getting more users than Tag 2 was.

With SoulCalibur: Lost Swords, who are you trying to target? Traditional SoulCalibur fans or brand new players?

It might be a little bit of a cop-out answer, but we are trying to target everyone—old fans and new players alike. We definitely value our player base and we want to maintain the quality of the SoulCalibur franchise, but at the same time, this game is definitely catered towards an audience who will experience the franchise for the first time.

He says this while acknowledging the existence of an installment that killed the series and removed fan favorites and changed move inputs for no good reason, rushing production so that the game would not have to compete with Tekken Tag Tournament 2, and just being more animu than it needed to be.

No need to elaborate on how hollow his words are. But it’s worth noting that Namco wishes for audience substitution, much like many Japanese developers today. It seems to be incredibly widespread across the country. Yeah sure, it’s been a good 20 years, but geez.

Can you talk about the difference between western and eastern free-to-play or mobile markets?

In regards to moving to free-to-play, in regards to the user base, the Japanese audience is very cooperative, and we’re very happy about that. The reason for going free-to-play wasn’t so much about the business model itself, but the idea that we wanted to expand the market to the more casual user, and we thought that the free-to-play mold would fit that model better.

This is a telling statement that really shows Namco’s contempt for people who do not agree to their way, and seems to paint a nasty picture of Japanese developers in general, namely Sega. But what’s more is that if Japanese audiences are easily lapping it up, that doesn’t bode well for the rest of world. We don’t like everything the Japanese is accepting of, but if Japanese developers are gonna keep assuming that w/e works in Japan will work everywhere else, they’re going to be globally irrelevant as the years go on. They might be already considering all the games they desire to produce now is exclusively appealing to the Japanese. There’s nothing coming out of Japan that has global appeal anymore.

*sigh*, it’s like reading news about mad men who came up with a new scheme to get money that no one likes, but they’re so sure of it because 5 year olds fall for it. I guess I’ll put Soul Calibur in the “dead franchise” category. It’s been butchered for the last 3 entires thanks to the Tekken whores and the unnecessary changes have ruined the games for the worst. And now this!?

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. F2P and the causualization of games is ruining my hobby.

This is F2P done horribly wrong. An online model like League of Legends would have been much better, where you are just buying characters and skins. I’m sure this game forces you to grind for “gold” to buy necessary items if you don’t pay money.

This makes free players bored/mad because they have to grind, and it makes paying players mad because they are being nickeled and dimed so they can match the artificially increasing difficult ramp.

Fantastic. I hope they come out with a new Samurai Shodown. Probably not.

That doesn’t even look sensible to play. I wish developers would stop trying to cram every game into the mobile market like this. If the device uses a touch screen, what the hell makes you think a fighting game would work? This game uses card battle BS in which moves are “randomly generated”.

This is sad. The only thing interesting is that different characters can use different fighting styles, but this would’ve been so much better in a proper Soul Calibur title. This is a stupid ass game. And it focuses on Cassandra, no less. Eww.


I’ve decided to revisit Soul Calibur 5 in order to wrap my head around just why this game is such a fragile lobotomy that gave cancer to every well known Soul Calibur fan that entered the series at #2. Of course, learning that there’s an anti-AI exploit made unlocking custom parts for character creation didn’t hurt either, this seems to be the only reason to own this massive turd of a fighting game. Having calmed down from my rage, I’ve come to find that yeah, it does play a hint better than 3 and 4 outside of the atrociously retarded Just Defend and Critical Edge systems, names that people will immediately become intimidated by as having Just Frame systems in any fighting game not named “Garou Mark of the Wolves” should be abolished for all eternity. But no, the game plays very smoothly if not a tad slower than SC4 which is already slower than SC2. And even worse is when it comes time to find a main character, you’ll find the game’s current cast to be incredibly lacking.

How lacking? Try “Mitsurugi feels naked without Relic Stance” lacking, this coming from a guy who abhors the concept of stances in fighting games. I can’t imagine how the Ivy fans felt considering that everything that was completely broken about her was removed to the point that she might as well have gotten her goddamn tubes tight. Nerfed fails to even begin to describe just what happened to the returning characters Namco had the decency to keep in this game, none of which are named Talim and Zasalemal unfortunately, but they found some eager means to keep Maxi even though nobody likes him. I guess being a Japanese character gives you a free ticket to be in every game even though he goes mostly unused. Unless you’re a ninja in a leotard with bigger tits than Mai Shiranui, but not being anywhere near as slutty as Mai Shiranui so you have to be replaced by what is easily the most FUCKED UP character choice you could possibly conceive.

From the bottom of my dick, Namco, you guys have to be bigger assholes than Capcom. Least they managed to compensate for cutting some fan favorites like oh idk VENOM with other nice substitutes like Doctor strange, you mother fuckers couldn’t even be arsed to put in any character with even a fraction of Taki’s (sex) appeal. And not only that, the character’s personality couldn’t be any worse. Do you like American Valley girls that talk go around spittin about how “boring” everything is as if the Japanese’s definition of what’s “cool” is to make their characters a bunch douch bags and bitches that… oh…. damn I’m off topic.

I’ve come to find that all the characters and fighting styles that DID infact come back have been nerfed in some way, shape or form (with the exception of all the JAPANESE CHARACTERS and Goddamn Nightmare) in favor of, are you ready for this, Competitive balance. Easily one of the most unbalanced fighting games in the world over and after 5 games, they start to care about the retarded tournament crowd who have done their part in damage controlling this game to this very day. Are you upset that Soul Calibur 5 removed it’s various single player modes, something that Soul Calibur has had since the very fucking day it was conceived making it something of a series staple? Well go play a ONE PLAYER game bitches because the concept of “necessity” has reared it’s ugly head in flamewars across the board! Nevermind that even boasting about it’s “Online is the only goddamn thing that matters” mantra into your earlobes means jackshit when the game’s netcode is absolutely trash.

But it’s not even the tourney shit this game desperately wants a pie of. See, the game decides to neuter every returning character in favor of something that I consider to be a recent disease fad. Character uniqueness. What is character uniqueness, you might ask? Well, take several characters in the game and design them with such severe limitations that they absolutely cannot be viable in any way imaginable without playing them a specific way, which might go so far as to be considered a gimmicky character. Case in point

VIOLA! Figuratively and literally speaking, this is the most unique Soul Calibur character in the series. Instead of having close range weapons designed around the concept of “getting” close to your opponets just to deal damage, we just give this bitch a pair of claws and a ball that she can magically warp around the arena to disorientate her opponents. Some might call this a character who specializes in “Space control“, a concept that only Dhalsim players in Street Fighter could hope to understand. IE using the ball to your advantage to keep the distance between you and your opponent since Viola is shit up close. This is considered a character that’s hard to use but might be rewarding if you master her balls. Unfortunately, characters like Astaroth, Nightmare, Mitsurugi and even that bastard Xiba aren’t designed around controlling space and yet they do so in much better ways. How much better? Try “not having complicated commands for controlling the ball” better? Viola is such a piece of shit character, it makes Xianghua look playable. Unfortunately, SC5’s roster is comprised of characters that are literally handicapped in order to emphasize specific play styles. Viola and ZWEI with that wolf… thing is designed around space control, Hilde is about buffering moves (basically, a charge character where you hold certain buttons then release in order to pull off special moves IE not fun at all to play) Xiba, Maxi, and Nightmare are button mashing, Ivy is about stances… wait, sorry, that’s Voldo… I think, you get the idea.

This creates a big problem though. If all the characters are designed to be played a certain way, it removes their appeal tenfold, why? Because it removes them of any viability whatsoever. Having a character designed with severe limitations that the player cannot do anything outside of their intended gameplay style is harmful to the practicality of that character. Take Blazblue for example. This game epitomizes this concept. Every character is designed with a unique playstyle in mind.

Relius and Carl Clover both have control over Stands… I mean “Puppets” which happen to be their wife and sister respectively. As fucked up as it is to fight with a character who uses his own blow up doll as a weapon is sickening in itself, and so is this. These puppets are the true strength of these characters. You can’t do shit of worth without your puppets. But there’s a problem. These things run on batteries, so you have a little gay ass meter above your super meter. And you have to keep an eye on that bitch and make sure you’re not abusing your special moves too often or else you’ll be defenseless for a moment or 2. So you have fighting game characters… where you literally have to stop fighting to conserve energy! Holy nutballs, it’s Skyward Sword’s stamina system! Now granted, Relius has a few moves he can use that doesn’t require any puppet action, but they’re so awful and slow, you might as well not bother.

On the other hand, you have this thing.

Unfortunately, there’s no stink face moves. Mu-12’s entire gameplay style revolves around setting up a bunch of reflector… turret… mirror things and spam lasers through them. While the monkeys who made this game had the decency to give her decent melee attacks, they’ve also had the audacity to make them harder to pull off than setting up mirror turrets. Meaning this is a character that’s built around disorientating your opponent, but is otherwise screwed if the opponent gets to close. So Amma help you if you’re fighting against Taokaka… you know, the cat bitch that’s obsessed with bewbs?

The Guilty Gear series managed to avoid this pitfall by being a ripoff of MVC, only better. Unfortunately, this idea seems to be spreading in Guilty Gear Xrd. Pulling a Namco, these guys decided to cut the roster down to only the characters that have a unique playstyle. Oh sure, they’ve kept the 3 rush down characters (Sol, Ky, Millia thankfully) and maybe Chipp counts too, but everyone else is on that uniqueness crap. Venom with his pull ball traps, Slayer with his high priority interception punches or… something, Potemkin the slow ass charge character, Axl the resident keep away space control guy, Faust with his… weirdness, May with her charge moves and dolphins, etc. The other characters in the series were more or less rushdown combo frenzy characters (my precious… precious Jam) which were all removed in favor of a mild reboot of the series (or because 3D models take longer than 2D sprites… or w/e excuse the FGC uses these days).

I won’t mention Brawl as i’ve bitched about that game enough as it is, but this idea of making characters have unique playstyles is more damaging than it is beneficial. Many people who play fighting games have no patience to learn the nuances of specific characters. IE everyone who plays Street Fighter rushes to that fucking Ken Masters. Why, because his lack of uniqueness is actually a benefit. If you wanted a Ryu that was better up close, there’s Ken or even Akuma.

Here’s an idea, Japan, if you want to make a fighting game with unique playstyles, look at what Capcom does. They IGNORE the concept of uniqueness (and unfortunately saves that bullshit for universal fighting systems or Street Fighter 3) and simply makes characters with unique playstyles WITHOUT handicapping anything else about them. We all know Zangief is shit from far away, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a means of getting around those bastard fire balls from shotonewbs.

Or a better example…

There’s no uniqueness beyond the rad concepts of the characters. Majority of them all can teleport or have some fireball, but they all have different properties. Noob Saibot, that cheap son of a bitch has a teleport that automatically grabs you. Kung Lao has a teleport, but it just gives him the option of 4 different attacks.  Sektor’s teleport is an uppercut while Raiden’s teleport is blazingly fast. You see what I’m saying? The characters may share moves and not be unique, but they have their own definitions. I hope that makes sense. And amazingly enough, even though the characters are all samey in some way…. the game fucking rules! It’s such an odd concept in Japan these days, not trying to be “creative” with characters actually has a positive effect on the games we play and enjoy.

This is also why I recommended Persona 4 Arena in the greatest form of irony. The characters all play the same but they have their own definitions. I don’t think I can explain this any better than going back to Street Fighter 2. See, before everyone discovered special moves, everyone just had 3 punches and 3 kicks. This is how everyone started off playing SF2. In this process, it was known that each character had different definitions for these punches and kicks. Ryu had normal kicks, Chun Li had twenty kicks, Vega could slide kick, that kinda shit. It was very basic in nature and everyone had fun with the game. It wasn’t until characters started to be defined by their special moves that fighting games (at least 2D fighters), started becoming unfun to play with their bullshit command complexity, and 3D games which were glorified SF2’s started to flourish. But that’s aside the point.

She’s so damn country!

At least 2D fighters started getting better after SF4 released, but companies like Namco, Nintendo, and Aksys especially are falling into this trap of thinking unique character playstyles are somehow a good thing for fighting games when all they really do is limit your choices to the most fun and practical characters to use.

I play black dude. Die like BITCHES!

Despite my furious anger at Gearbox, I still had an inkling of interest in the Borderlands series and wanted to check out the first game, so going by their greatest fears, I had found a GOTY version in the used games section of a Gamestop. Despite all the hype surrounding the whole “first game better than last” syndrome of the fandom, I stood my ground that I was going to hate this game with extreme fervor. As an FPS developed by these scoundrels, it is impossible for-…….holy nutballs, this game is FUN!

It was almost inconceivable. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to find so many legendaries in such a short amount of time. It was also amazing how the weapons were actually USEFUL! In BL2, I was constantly bombarded by living bullet sponges who could absorb everything that wasn’t a perfect critical shot. The game was utterly ridiculous with it’s enemies pumped full of a wretched amount of health and defense. If you weren’t playing a sniping based Zero, your odds of survival were dramatically decreased. And obnoxiously enough, the game had the nerve to toss in enemies with virtually no weakpoints (Big Game Hunt especially) so you were destined to fight a losing battle.

BL1? There’s no pressure at all to find weakpoints. Enemies seem to go down pretty quickly given your accuracy remains stable enough. Certainly, the enemies can still whoop yo ass without much effort (I’m dumbfounded by how ducking behind a rock still can’t protect me from getting nicked), but at the same time, they have very little health to fight with in the first place. Amazingly enough, I’m using some low level weapon I found early on… in the final boss fight! In BL2, you had to immediately ditch w/e weapon you found for another as soon as you go up a few levels in order to  remain competitive against your foes. But in BL1, anything goes. Just use w/e you have at your disposal and not worry so much about stats and more so about strategy! Some of it gets real abusable too.


The packed in DLC levels didn’t hurt either. Though most of them are quite disappointing, they re hilarious. General Knoxx getting pissed that he took orders from a 5 year old and kept bitching about it while sounding like an elderly Brock Samson from the Venture Brothers was gold. That doesn’t even begin to explain the better menu screens. Barely any lag in coop? Non-disorientating skill tree menu? Easier to find mission log? HELL YEAH!

What a FUCKING relief!

Then there’s the little things such as equipping character skills with different elements. If I wanted the turret or Bloodwing to be on fire or acid, VOILA and thats the fucking end of it! But noooooo, in number 2, the siren gets those perks! The only thing I could piss and moan about was the lack of corner maps to help find out where to go next, the lack of tangible story and how every environment is exactly the same damn barren wasteland/cave/junkyard, and how incredibly short it is, but if that’s the price for a more entertaining and fun ass game, so be it.

BL2 is, at this point, wasted potential. With all it’s bells and whistles, it’s ultimately buried under a pile of bullshit. Lame jokes trying to force memes on the internet (Catch a RIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!), horrid drop rates for any decent weapon in a game where legendary gear is damn near a necessity for most cases, where you’re swamped with “Super Badass Loaders” at every occasion, the game is a complete chore to play in comparison to BL1. It feels like what Capcom did to RE6 and tried WAAAAAAAAAAY to damn hard to make it all “epic” and shit while making it such a drag that it comes crashing down on it’s own self-congratulatory vapid banal ego-driven content. BL1 is nowhere near as obnoxious as it’s sequel. Handsome Jack is still one of the best damn villains in gaming, though. Not to mention it’s actually what I wanted. A kind of Mad Max setting where you’re tearing through assholes trying to look for treasure, not some lame ass “resistance against the big bad corporate dictator” story that always seems to end up the same way in every plotline people come up with.

Unknown jackoff knows of corporation, doesn’t give a shit.
Corporation tries to kill said jackoff for non-specific reasons
Jackoff finds resistance and joins in because justice and… shit.
Jackoff and resistance does well for now.
Jackoff unintentionally leads corporation to the resistance hideout
Resistance is crushed and the leader’s (or significant person) life is now in danger. Jackoff initiates plan to rescue said leader
Jackoff defeats corporation in the process and saves the world.

Yeah, maybe not exactly the way it happened, but most of those details are damned accurate. At this point, it begs to be asked just how widespread this issue is cause I can’t be the only mother fucker in the known universe that sees the unmitigated shitstorm problem of why sequels are not living up to the expectations set by the first installments of their franchises. It is insane just how much disappointment I see in fanbases all across the board. Even the COD fanboys are just about tired of Activision’s bullshit. And damn sho, I’m tired of being disappointed by sequel after sequel where I’ve come to find that the devs or publishers schemed to completely fuck up some of the best franchises of all time, not just fucking them up, but destroying legacies by the dozen.

The utter banality that is the continuation of any franchise that started sometime in the 90s is literally impossible to escape, and it even seems that younger series that got their start in the 7th generation have already  gotten devs and pubs scheming to destroy their products with utter greed. We’re talking about an FPS/RPG hybrid that was completely fine in the first installment, but then some hippie asshole comes up and says that “our happiness is not profitable“! Afterall, in the religion of capitalism, keeping people in a state of anxiety and despair equates to creating demand for rampant DLC practices! So lets completely fuck up the damage scaling and make damn near every weapon you receive completely useless so that you’d be desperate enough to buy some Hunter upgrade pack just to be able to get through…. yet another unbalanced difficulty mode! And what would the reward be? Well, a collection of more useless fucking weapons! Well done!

Businesses that sell you things you actually need could get away with nickel and diming you for shit services because in your mind, you will actually need these services to go about your daily life. Junk entertainment is nothing you need at all. The crazy fucks in the industry, however, think they can get away with the same practices. Which is unfortunately working at the moment, seeing that most of the gaming public is now too terrified to leave their houses and buy things in a physical medium so that they have a semblance of ownership over their purchased products. So instead, everything is digital, even access to half the shit already on the CDs! Why is it that I can’t gain access to fighting game characters that are already on the game Netherrealm, Crapcom, Sony, etc? Afterall, 2 of these asshole factories had the nuts to release special editions with access to all the characters on the damn discs anyway.

Apparently, the game industry has gone MIA from the sanity department and jumped straight in a water filled with Great Whites as they ceaselessly destroy sequel after sequel in either an attempt to cheat you out of your money or to share a new “creative vision” that is in complete opposition to the wishes of the audience for no other reason than to attempt what could be considered selling teabags to customers who asked for Starbucks quality coffee! In no other entertainment industry have I ever seen a bunch of artistic douchbags imitate the insurance industries by fucking their customers over and over again while still expecting them to pony up for the impromptu involuntary ass fuckings.

None of this speaks louder than Nintendo’s desire to shove in as many assist trophies into Super Smash Bros. 4 in some vain attempt to apologize for not doing the logical thing and making some of those awesome assist trophies playable fucking characters! Have you seen most of the announcements for new characters come from the alternatively named pokeball characters are people who we’d actually prefer to be in this game over the Wii-fit assholes and the Village Idiot? Who’s that chick from Kid Icarus? I mean the last thing we need is a character worthy of being playable! No, lets shove that unholy bitch into statue format, and the audience had damn well better appreciate the fact that she’s at least given some “recognition” because…. in the depths of our own psyhosis, that’s all the nerds really care about! We saw it on, it must be true!

Start the water works!

Here’s a idea for you Sakurai, if the overwhelming amount of assist trophies are much cooler than the current roster you have for Super Smash Bros. then you have a problem and need to take your bitch ass back to the drawing board. Words cannot describe how utterly pissed I was when Lyn was announced as a goddamn trophy! Afterall, I needed more than just 2 piddly reasons (Ike and Sonic) to make up for the loss of my Mewtwo and the severely massive nerfs to some of the best characters (IE my Fox, Ganon and Mario) if only out of some misguided attempt to keep the game out of the hands of tourneyfags because you simply don’t adhere to their philosophy of playing to win. I don’t care what the reasons are. The assist trophies are a stupid addition to the series and only serves as an excuse for Nintendo to not do extra work on making more playable characters. Balance, you say? There’s no such thing in the world of fighting games! Either make them playable or keep them in the trophy menu.

Of course, I should expect no less from Japanese developers. These assholes would prefer nothing more than removing all semblance of player choice in video games altogether if it meant you playing the game the way they envisioned with no regard for your entertainment whatsoever. The Pokemon games could vouch for that with the amount of ways to obtain one pokemon vastly reduced to a limited and tedious process like Honey Trees or by trading with other people who may or may not have the Pokemon you desire. Or how about Resident Evil 6 with no regard for your desire to retrace your steps back to previous rooms in a game and have the mother fucking gall to place invisible walls in an auditorium so the only thing you can do is jump over a guard rail to initiate a fight against a mother fucking zombie T-Rex. Really crapcom? No wonder the gaming public ripped you a new asshole over the set piece ridden world of Resident Reposeful.

And the Jake and Sherry Campaign was the WORST fucking part of the whole title!


If it’s not the games that radically change all the elements of a game to fit their business or creative desires, it’s the sequels that change nothing but exemplify the WORST aspects of their prequels! What was the point of paying for Rayman Legends or NSMBU other than to have a graphically super version of the vanilla editions? This is laziness of the umpteenth degree! Not only does Rayman Legends not improve on anything Origins did, it also adds in little obnoxious bullshit gimmicks like Murfy so that you can solve puzzles while running away from a 1-hit kill firewall in a scripted running segment. I’ve never seen such disorientatingly horrific game design like this since Mega Man Network Transmission. There’s just some shit you cannot do in 2D platformers to rival 3D platformers in any way, what would you need to do so for? 2D Platformers are automatically superior by way of not needing to fiddle with the fucking camera, but you expect me to treat it like a 3D platformer by handing me 20 trillion smurf looking fuckers to find just to unlock, are you ready for this?…….. character skins. Not even cool ones, just a bunch of random shitty skins like “Lol character swapped color palettes”. That’s the best you can give me for a bloated fetch quest!? How about one of those hot bitches you took out from the last game being playable characters!? That’s motivation enough! Then again, I can’t imagine why I would bother unlocking them anyway, the main game is done and over with and as anti-climatic as that final boss was, it wouldn’t be worth the sex appeal anyway.

Holly Luya indeed.

Amma knows I was just about sick of Namco’s ass fuckings when concerning the state of the Soul Calibur franchise bursting it’s bubble of prosperity almost immediately after SC2 gave Zelda fans an actual Link that was so badass, he could rival the entirety of the SC cast just by having the strongest set of lungs in the world. Hey, here’s a grnd idea! Lets remove fan favorites like Kilik, Sophitia, Taki, Talim and hell lets toss the token nigga in the mix… and replace them with some bitch with a crystal ball and claws! It’s such a genius idea to invoke so many animu tropes in a game that was nearly void of any of that bullshit simply because, like every other japanese developer in the world, and focus on those goddamned otaku shit stains that aren’t even considered worthy of the air breathe! I can’t have Kilik because a monkey with a tapeworm is just that much more Kawaii to you asswipes? If I had to hear one more deathcry from him yelling “FOOOOOOOOOOOOD” for no other reason than to exaggerate his non-comical eating disorder, I will shit chain saws.

Lets not forget the idiocy of making Guard Impacts completely special move based and as complicated to remember because “we at Namco don’t value the absolute necessity for seasoned fans to get into a sequel because we want every game to be “unique” or some retarded shit” and then have the nerve to make guard impacts completely dependent on 2D fighting game logic of needing a goddamned fighting guage to activate the techniques. If SF3 Turd Strike necessitated super gauges just to pull off a single parry, the assholes at SRK would never ride the game’s nuts as much as they do. Soul Calibur is already far too lenient on button mashers in which the window for pulling off GI’s are too small now for some reason, now you remove their importance entirely for the sake of what fucking reason!? To make it “accessible” to newer players that DIDN’T buy the game anyway? Sure, we could take the bullshit about the game being rushed, but there was absolutely NO good reason to change the commands for character moves a SECOND/THIRD time in a row, or remove characters, turning Kilik and Sophitia both into mimics while also putting in Weapon Master making a totaly  of 3 different mimics, or making GI’s absolutely worthless and non-existent.

Soul Calibur 5 wasn’t rushed, it was made by some asshole on the Tekken team that wanted to literally kill the franchise if only so that he wouldn’t have to work on 2 different fighting games at one time. Nothing says this more than the inclusion of a “Devil Jin” soul in the CAS mode. Shameless promotion? Oh fuck no, this is Japanese passive aggression at it’s finest!

Even recent series that I start to get into immediately get fucked up, for whatever reason Ratchet and Clank Into The Nexus is such a bad game that I can’t bring myself to shut the hell up about it. If the inability to change the control presets and wretchedly short game length were no problem, then certainly it’s just how UN-Ratchet the game feels. There’s literally no comedy which was probably one of the major elements of the Ratchet and Clank series, turning the game into a more mild version of Sonic 06. Yes, I’m aware that Dead Space was a pretty popular survival horror game at some point, but Ratchet and Clank is not Dead Space! Putting “dark” areas in the game with eerie music and more fucked up looking villains that seem reminiscent of the Borg from Star Trek the Next Generation does not count as a Dead Space game! Especially considering that halfway through the game, the devs decided to ditch the “horror” element, w/e horror there was, and go back to a poor imitation of previous Ratchet and Clank titles without the funny or interesting environments.

By then, the game felt more obnoxious than cool, and the developers had the nerve to put in a museum of their past characters such as Drek or that guy from Deadlocked. And for some reason, the creator of the series feels the need to stamp his ass into the game in some vain attempt to gain creator god status amongst internet nerds so that he may be worshipped in the same way as Shigeru Miyamoto. Having a game that pisses me off with it’s wannabe AAA production values, buggy ass gameplay, shitty gimmicked Clank levels that you can’t skip and aren’t even remotely as fun as the clank modes in UYA or TOD, is not gonna warrant my lips stapled to your ass! The sheer self-congratulatory sequence of the museum right before the tedious “city under invasion” sequence reeks of “trying to hard to be epic” with what is one of the most anti-climatic final showdowns in the series yet. The final game in the Future series has no actual closure to the story of Ratchet’s separation anxiety from other Lombaxes in the series and could be mistaken for a mild spinoff. The only redeeming quality would’ve been the female villain that could actually be treated as a threat since Chairman Drek… up until the bitch gets captured and the game goes into the whole “what have I done” shtick of amateur writing that has pervaded the entertainment industry for quit some time now.

And I’m STILL seeing this fuckin movie, even though Ratchet looks retarded.

For once in this or last generation, I would like for a sequel that actually exceeds expectations instead of sending them shattering through the pits of the underworld where Ausar anxiously awaits to feed the souls of these horrid abominations to the jaws of Ammut. Ironically, the only sequel that manages to be decent came directly from Platinum Games. Yeah. Anarchy Reigns not only plays better than it’s Wiitarded cousin Madworld, but also has the decency to put itself in color so you wouldn’t get lost in the sprawling overworld mazes because every landmark you could find blends in too fucking well with the Sin City nut riding aesthetics. Add to it the lack of QTE styled death blows that got a little too repetitive for my tastes, and it’s an alright beat em up game that only suffers due to having only 4 stages and the same banality of needing to complete missions in order to gain a high score just to progress, making the game slower paced than Sonic’s Lost Mind! My one true hope, and I’m serious, is that if Guilty Gear Xrd comes stateside, it won’t be some ass fucked sequel as most other fighting games have become.

……..If this game does not kick ass…….


It became juvenile.

I’m one of those people who are always interested in games that receive severely bad publicity. How would I be able to have fun with Shadow the Hedgehog or the 3 Stooges movie if I had listened to the crowd? (Course I wish I listened when I bought that trite ass Soul Calibur Legends) I found a copy of SFxT for literally 2 dollars. I’m like “damn! Is it that bad!?”. I said what the hell, forked over the 2 papers and decided to pop this bitch in to see what’s so wrong with it.

Cameo no one cares about.

Chris Redfield is a photographer for some reason

Juri’s lickable back

Fights with trannies and fatties

Elena as DLC, the fuckers

That school girl bitch returns

Well beyond the on-disc bullshit which I understand much more clearly. It’s not just that it’s on-disc, they’re charging 20 fucking dollars for characters. No, you can’t buy any of them individually either like they would for PSASBR for 5 bucks. Since the game is centered around a tag team concept, you need all characters to come with the package. They planned this shit so intricately, I can’t help but empathize with the sheer rage behind the- and then Capcom is arrogant enough to NEVER let them be sold for free and will stubbornly stick with the DLC plan even though it’s the main reason they’re nearly broke (unless Monster Hunter 4 saved them because Japan and bad taste go together like fine wine).

But even then, I can’t see why anyone would want to spend any amount of money on this game beyond the initial purchase. Sure it doesn’t advertise it’s DLC so explicitly like PSAS does like a whore on the corner lookin for dick and cash, but the game is completely sparse without those extra characters. Plus the costumes, and some gem system I’ve never heard of or understand, yeah this game is one giant middle finger and feel ripped off for 2 bucks. This game DRIVES people to hack it because of the amount of bullshit Capcom pulled with this one. I mean I’ve heard and read all the horror stories, but oh hohoho man, I had to see it with my own eyes! People WANT Capcom to go bankrupt so badly, they’re the “cooler” Nintendo at this point!

But as I said, I can’t see anyone paying for DLC for a game that outright enhales it’s own dick. Street Fighter 4 felt pretentious enough without all the expansions, but it’s like Yoshinori Ono and the crew think they’re so cool with all these touches. You have the nice looking CGI crap, and then you have the in-game animations with such hard hitting effects that after every heavy blow, the characters pause slightly to emphasize the pain of said attack…. but it comes off as desperate for some reason. In Tekken games, at least all the hard hitting attacks look painful and COOL at the same time, but here… it’s all silly and shit. Like Sagat’s Super Art where the uppercut causes the character’s facial expression to puff up like a blowfish before getting flung into the air, crashing to the ground. Is that supposed to make me feel like a bad ass? All the satisfaction of whoopin ass seems to be non-existent in this game as it just makes me feel embarrassed playing it. Look at Kuma’s super art. He just farts! And it’s not the funny, comical well-timed fart like Wario in Brawl. It’s just fucking gross to look at! You got some guy plopping into his big ass just waiting to bask in the ambience! It’s disgusting.

Not to mention a lot of other elements in this game come off more facepalming than Iwata apologizing for being a constant fuck up. I was interested in the game when Raven was announced as a part of the Tekken side, but for some reason he gets paired with Yoshimitsu, and before I know it, they’re both arguing like a married couple before Balrog and Vega…. or Claw and Boxer like those SRKEVO retards refer to them as because for some reason, localized names are a sin on the internet. Not to mention the ending where Yoshi traps Raven in a box and he’s comically saying “LET ME OUT OF HERE!” Are you shitting me!? Raven is not a comical character. He’s one of the more serious and bad ass Tekken characters created. Forcing comedy on him is like making Knuckles a retard, you just can’t do shit all willy nilly! And Capcom tried to force comedy all over the damn place, what with Abel wanting Kuma because he thinks it’s cute (I get it, he’s french but come on), Asuka and Lily constantly fighting each other over stupid shit, Steve accidently groping a tranny (why is he paired up with Howrang or w/e the fuck his name is?), Rufus and Zangief talking about body types in which we’re expected to laugh
at, all with that gay ass high-contrast art style which make the characters look HIDEOUS at the same time, I don’t see how ANYONE beyond stupid animu addicted teenagers could buy into this game.

It’s the Michael Bay syndrome in which anyone who thinks they’re “cool” also thinks they’re “funny” at the same time, and come off doing some of the most juvenile shit you could ever think of.

And as a person who’s played Tekken, goddamn, they couldn’t think of ANYTHING to do with these characters, could they? They’re all portrayed so wrong (Xiaoyu is almost an exact copy of Amy fuckin Rose when she was simply that bubbly animu chick, Heihachi is just an old geriatric instead of a manipulative bastard, and I already talked about Raven) and their moves all feel weird and disconnected. I knew something was going to be lost when transitioning the characters from 3D to 2D, but where the fuck did Jin get fireballs from and why does it look like Hworang is just doing acrobatics!? Wait, nevermind, lolTKD.

Not to mention general gameplay feels more restrictive than any Street Fighter game since. The characters move like sloths, especially Sagat who can’t dash worth shit. I notice how awful and floaty Ryu and Ken look when trying to do their little dragon punches, and I don’t know what they were smoking when translating Heihachi’s flying kick to a special move. There’s literally NO distance coverage, and he’s hanging so high off the ground for a a good 3 seconds. It looks so stupid. And performing chain combos automatically tags characters out for some reason, it’s annoying. Launchers make very little sense, and while performing Supers Arts is actually fun (charging a special move to do them is a good idea I believe), the auto combo bullshit and annoying 2 button grabs combined with that bullshit 6-button layout which makes playing the game well with shoulder buttons a tedious time. Capcom should’ve abandoned that 6 button shit a long time ago after SNK basically proved it wasn’t necessary to have all that shit.

This game offends me on every level. I think… no I actually want to go back to shit ass TTT2 to wash that taste out of my mouth! Fuck, even gay ass Persona Arena would do at this point. This game is just… the culmination of everything I despise about the current state of Street Fighter over the years. And unfortunately, that shit creeped into Tekken around the 5th entry I believe. Why is Paul the comedy relief now, I thought he was a “Ken Masters” rival to Kazuya, the fuck happened there!?

I wasn’t really a big fan of SF2 back in the day, I was more into Fatal Fury when it first came out. But I remember everyone I knew was just enamored and drawn to this game like moths to a flame. I was always confused and frustrated the idiocy of needing 6 different attack buttons to do different strengths of one attack when the Fatal Fury and even the King of Fighters games reduced the number count almost to 1 punch, 1 Kick, and 1 Fierce attack. And I remember getting pissed off when no one wanted to play Art of Fighting with me on the Genesis or SNES, whichever it was on. Then Mortal Kombat was around, started all kinds of controversy and so I had to play fighting games in secret.

But either way, Street Fighter 2 was all the fuckin rage at the game rooms when they were still important. I couldn’t help but pick Blanka, the green Hulk lookin mutha fucka all the time because I bite and electrocute people all the time, it was fun. I remember my older cousins getting pissed at me shouting “USE A CHARGE MOVE!” “PLAY STRATIGICALLY!” I’m like ‘”I’m 5 years old, I don’t even know what “stategiac” means! Charge move!? Don’t you see me charging my thunder attacks on you!?”

After a while, all the 2D fighting games started looking exactly the same. I was into anime back then so the stench of Animu crap didn’t start to annoy me yet. But when it did, man did Street Fighter start feelin like ass. I remember Blanka as the snarling beast of an asswhooper. A true monster and a freak of nature. But nowadays…..

…..Yeah. Now he’s just some best friend to a retard. Fucking…. Jimmy!?

Infact, a good majority of Street Fighter games just became ridiculous and far too comical for my own tastes. I think the last Street Fighter game that removed that stench was…..none. They all have some ridiculous asshole plots that center around “Dark Sides” and school girls and “fighting for the way of the warrior” or some rag tag battle against super villains (Bison just seemed like an ordinary villain, now he likes using some psycho drive to take possession of women because he’s a closet homosexual). Ever since the Alpha series, the Street Fighter franchise has gotten sillier and sillier with every new installment. Even SF3 with it’s hip hop and more “urban” feel just falls on it’s face with british people fighting for a car and diaper wearing body builders with dreams of ruling the world. I swear, Gill has to be the most retarded end boss I’ve ever seen. Nothing SNK has done has ever come close to eclipsing the idiocy behind Gill’s design. For a game called “Street Fighter”, we should not be having characters designed around the concept of a messiah complex. It’s a Martial Art’s themed video game for fuck’s sake. I’d expect this from SNK, but Street Fighter 3 felt more down to Earth in terms of characters being normal dudes just fighting each other. But then you get to Turd Strike and now you have Q, Twelve, Remy, all this animu bullshit. Ibuki and Oro was headache inducing enough, but now you have crazy bitch Makoto which all the tourneyfags want to plow harder than Chun Li.

None of this was alleviated with the Marvel vs games where the characters just wackier and wackier. I mean yeah the games were FUN, but it’s like they kept making the games sillier and more childish than usual.

I don’t understand Capcom’s desire to make their fighting games so silly and contrived. Everything after 2 was just a big mess. I suppose EX would’ve sufficed if it wasn’t for that techno geek white girl on rollerblades or that skullomania, but the game felt more like Street Fighter than anything capcom has done alone. I’ve resisted SF4 to a great degree because I smelled the shit storm of “comedy gold” and juvenile shit a mile away. Yun ALMOST sold the AE version, but I held steadfast. Raven was just cooler which is unfortunate because this game tarnished the FUCK out of him!

Oh well. It’s too late to change that tune when Capcom keeps talking of lacking “resources” to make a fighting game again. But maybe it’s for the best.

After being frustrated by TTT2, I decided to go back to VF5 in rage and disgust. I said “not doing command training because all that’s gonna do is fuck my mind up with completely convoluted commands” and decided to just run through Arcade mode a million times. Oh Amma, the  controls feel like heaven after trying the stiff piss ass controls on Tekken. I can backstep, sidestep, and all that good shit without trying to break my damn controller. Nothing feels cheap or aggravating….. at all. I was almost reminded of Bloody Roar in how everything felt like it was in your control.

Namco has completely fucked up their fighters to the point that VF smells like a bucket of fresh cut Nile Lotus’s. Even have a main.

Face is in need of some lickin.

Yeah, they bleached Vanessa, fueling my rage and forcing my hand toward the fucking chinese.Gameplay wise, VF is a helluva lot better than Tekken, hands down. But like Garou, from afar, it’s just boring in some parts. There’s just no “umph” to the combat. It plays well and… goddamn, Tekken is some shit. That damn dinosaur…

You know, if Tekken’s content and VF’s gameplay were bred together, that would be GOTY material. So replaying VF5 and looking over the internet for universe details, there’s definitely potential that won’t be fulfilled because Sega’s a bunch of lazy cocks but….. fuck it, lets get this started.

And yes, I am being a hypocrite in making this.

#1. A central character focus.

Fighting games after SF2 (by nature) tend to have several mother fuckers ready to get the taste smacked out of their mouths. And while they’re all made with a certain appeal to different tastes, it’s pretty well known that the most popular fighters tend to focus on one or 2 characters at best. Street Fighter has Ryu and Chun Li, Tekken has the Mishimas, Soul Calibur has Siegfried, KOF series….used to have Terry…. no Ryo… no Kyo… K’… Ash… AAAAAAAAGH!

But… you get the idea. Virtua Fighter, because it has no universe exposure, has no real central character. They’re all soulless MMA fighters. Sure, Akira seems like the main character type. After all, anyone that shares a passing resemblance to Ryu is the main character. But…Akira doesn’t really do anything that contributes to the story.

The central character would have to be Jacky Bryant.

Jacky’s entire premise revolves around battling against Virtua Fighter’s primary antagonists, J6. Being a race car driver, J6 caused him to get into an accident. After about 2 years, he finds out his sister Sarah gets kidnapped by J6 (snooping around, that kind of shit). So he gets pissed and decides to bust some ass. And fails. After 3 tournaments, he finally gets his sister back. But then they lose their body guard, the heavily bleached Vanessa, and he has to go in and save her, while beating the hell out of Goh (the crazy Mr. Freeze lookin fuck that everyone assumes is a rival of Akira despite nothing of importance between them). Then, J6 keeps threatening to kill his sponsers if he doesn’t take part in the next tournament.

Jacky Bryant is probably the most proactive character in the series. Unlike all the Asian characters (Akira, Pai, Lau) who’s only goal is to generically “improve their skills and prove themselves worthy in the next tournament”, Jacky, Sarah, and even Wolf Hawkfield have motivations that involve saving the goddamn world from the “illuminati“.

At the same time, Kage-Maru is a candidate for a central focus as he is the primary character that defeats the Dural dolls and has an even bigger agenda against J6

Leave that bitch Akira in the dust. He’s more like Ryu, some old guy with stank ass feet that does nothing but hobo around the world trying to be the perfectionist asswipe for no reason other than self-gratification. Notice how Tekken has none of these character arch-types? Or King of Fighters for that matter? The character’s motivations extend beyond some perfectionist warrior bullshit. Well, except Feng Wei… but he’s bitch made.

It’s either Jacky or Kage-Maru for this. Not to mention they’re both way more accessible for beginners.

#2: actually give your universe some exposure.

I’ve said this about a million times in 2 previous posts, but if I gotta be a broken record, dammit you NEED to explain why your fighters are fighting. Not having ending cutscenes is, to me, inexcusable. If you’re going to bother giving your characters backstory, USE IT. I mean shit! I like using CHARACTERS instead of…. “assets.”
If I’m going to bother getting awesome with Jeffery, I want to feel like he, as a character, is a tight fighter who is fighting for some awesome reason.

I don’t want to feel like he is just The Australian Nigga that the game developers came up with for the series years ago. It makes the whole experience feel artificial somehow.

When you look into the universe of Virtua Fighter, you would realize just how dark and downright scary it can be. All the Dues Ex fans would grow moist if they knew the storyline was based on a syndicate that draws inspiration from the Round table group.

This is Judgment Six in a nutshell

J6 are a bunch of assholes who slowly, quietly, and surely does everything in their power to accumulate wealth and power into their hands from all the world governments. The best way to do that would be to create some super fighting assassins to make sure they get their way no matter what. They host every tournament to (as usual) collect data and then kill the original fighters to make sure no one gets in their way, making the tournaments literal death matches. They also have a tendency to kidnap women for some reason. They have such raging hard ons for Sarah Bryant but have yet to even focus on Pai-Chan.

But you wouldn’t know all that.

Besides gameplay reasons, this is probably the laziest fighting game series when it comes to appeal. Oh the nerds will love it, definitely, but that doesn’t help at all when no one buys it after Tekken gets a release.

It’s so simple and requires no work. Everything is already done, it just needs some exposure already.

#3. Making fighting look cool?

Would it kill you assholes to make some of these attacks look remotely painful for once? I’m performing moves that look slow and soft. It looks like WWE when I’m performing throws. Really, when you compare how the action in Tekken or DOA looks to Virtua Fighter, you’d assume Sega had made a game for pussies who don’t like violent video games. Just look at some of the throw animations in VF5 and tell me that doesn’t look like bad choreography. The only moves that look remotely painful come straight from Brad’s cross ups. Especially those right hooks.

Fighting games today are made to satisfy a primal craving. It gives that feeling of battle that, when inflicting pain on your enemies, generates a state of power and dominance over others. In a safe environment of course. As such, they need painful looking attacks in general. Not only because it gives a much greater feeling of overpowering someone, but also because it’s fun to do something cool and seeing the effects in your opponent reeling in pain. Virtua Fighter doesn’t have this element of empowerment. It literally feels like every match is basic “friendly sparring matches”, which decreases it’s cool points. Nothing grabs you by the conkers. There’s no teeth. No intensity. I might as well be playing VF kids!

How do they still have beards and boobs?

DOA has no problem making moves look painful. Infact, that shit is brutal! The reason I bring up DOA is because it was made to be a true counter-part to Virtua Fighter. The problem is that it has completely surpassed VF in terms of content and extremely brutal (and beautifully animated) attacks. VF5 looks out-dated via animations alone! Even the stiff ass lookin moves in KOF Maximum Impact look more painful, but that’s due to a combination of sound effects, hitsparks, and even the screen shakes about a bit to emphasize the power of the attack.

Man, just look at these ass whoopins taking place. Does that not look the least bit intense? Bone crushing moves, getting knocked up against the rocks and just taking it.

Sure, VF looks realistic (to an extent), but see, realism does not belong in video games. People have a tendency to bemoan realism in video games (like needing ink for type writers in Resident Evil or reload animations in FPS’s, or just the general look). Video games are usually a break from reality for entertainment. Entertainment is not realistic. Out of the ordinary shit happens in entertainment all the time. Realism is not entertaining, so take note VF fanbase, realistic looking fighting is by no means a positive. Tekken fanboys will swear their game has realistic fighting because the attack animations are realistic. The fighting is nowhere near the claim, but that’s another point in their favor. Now, the juggling bullshit holds it back (along with that stupid control scheme). Bottom line, VF characters are more appropriate in a DOA style game than otherwise.

Also, there is no shame in using hitsparks to detail that your attack connects. Fuck man…

#4 Less complex commands/tutorials wouldn’t hurt.

Look, if you’re gonna make a 3D fighter, Akira shouldn’t be using charge attacks (guile stle shit).

Command Training is a bad way to teach someone how to play a fighting game as all it does is give the player this idea that he/she has to master and memorize every single move in the character’s database just to be good. And these move lists are massive. All fighting games have the same general rule. All you need is the bare minimum. Sure, know that you have these moves in your arsenal, but if they’re more complex than need be, then ignore that shit and use what you can the best to your ability. Ryu and Ken are popular characters to use in Street Fighter because fireballs and dragon punches will do just fine against several opponents. Infact, the reason why so many Marvel characters in Marvel vs Capcom fare so well is because most of them already have the Shoto tools necessary to kill shit. Likewise in KOF13. I use Robert a lot, but I don’t use his kick specials often. The fireball and dragon punch (and that hcf Kick special after blocking attacks is useful) are all I really need. When it comes to fighters made by Namco, Sega, or even Tecmo, they have these move list tutorials/demonstrations that show you what these guys are capable of. But 9/10, you’re never going to need any of that bullshit to be good. And just because everyone swears VF is technical doesn’t mean the same rules apply. From what I can surmise, the only reason people say that is because they have no REAL means of bullshitting you with cheap tactics unlike Namco’s high damage launcher fests.

Especially with pro ass bitch here.

The best training will always be going to practice mode and winging it. Try out a few weird button commands and see if they do anything dramatic, practice them for a while, and then test them out to see if said moves are actually useful. Sure it’s nice to get an idea of what your character can do prior, but if the commands for said moves are complex, then the idea of trying to “master” the character would be intimidating. And VF’s main character is fucking Akira, so that really sets people up for failure. Akira is not accessible. Some of his moves have really stupid motions like Back, Forward x3 then Punch. This is not at all practical for a game with fast movement. To those that have lived and breathed fighting games, sure that’s nothing. But if VF were ever to be mass market, this shit would have to change. Then you’d say “but wait! Akira is probably the most powerful character in the game! Wouldn’t making his moves more difficult be a means of reducing his viability for the sake of balance?” But then what’s the point of calling the game balanced if he’s uber as shit? Wouldn’t that mean changing up your tactics in means of having to counter his ability? After all, Street Fighter basicaly has “Get close to Dhalsim, stay the fuck away from Zangief”. The general strategy for VF is “dash in and out, poke, etc for every fight”. Establish some variety in the matches.

All fighting games nowadays have this problem where combos are the epitome of combat, so it’s not like VF has anything else going for it. Scare the mother fuckers into not wanting to get close to Akira players out of fear of being raped in the arse. If making Akira easier to play scares the piss out of you, then maybe it’ll force you into adapting and countering his bitch ass.

#5 Some nice time wasting minigames.

Bitches love bowling!

……….Yeah. I mean, even Pokemon Stadium gave you a break from the RPG shit. What if you just want to play some wacky game?

#6: Some memorable music themes?

Granted, 5 has a decent OST, when you think of VF music, the only song that comes to mind is Black Cat Moon.

For Sarah Bryant. But nothing else really sticks to you like most other fighting game OSTs. I mean even KOF has better music. And KOF’s music is ass.

KOF2K has the best damn soundtrack in the series.

Sadly, I cannot say the same for any of the VF games. None of their soundtracks are 100% ear sex. VF5 came close, but it’s still rather slim pickings. It’s not like Sega is incapable of damn good music, the Sonic series is a testament to that alone. And no generic rock for every goddamn theme like Guilty Gear and SNK fighters usually do.

When you play a Sega game, you instantly get the feeling that game is going to be awesome. That “Sega feel” is something that can’t really be replicated (unless you’re Treasure Inc.). When you play HOTD, VF, Sonic, Nights, or just about anything from Yu Suzuki, you feel that these games have more potential than you get. So obviously, you’d want a little improvement on all accounts. It’s frustrating because despite the amount of work Sega puts into tinkering with shit, they don’t put in any extra on content. So every game they produce is inevitably wasted potential. VF is no exception. This could be such a damn good series, but it’s so wasted.

One of the reasons I believe Tekken overtook Virtua Fighter was availability. Sega isn’t so big on distribution like Namco was, so you saw more Tekken cabinets than you did Virtua Fighter. Plus, it was one of Playstation’s babies and Playstation was like modern super hero films where no name actors become hit stars in less than a day of viewing them despite their lack of talent.

Who the fuck were you before Spiderman?

But once VF4 was out, Tekken was already well established. The graphics whores marveled at VF, but those were a minority. Many didn’t even know the series existed. And to this day, with Sega not advertising shit, we all know why.

Don’t let them sexy eyes fool you, this crazy ass bitch is the child of Yurugu, the Pale Fox himself!

You know, Namco… I have to be one to admit. You’ve got some pretty interesting fighting games. Only 2 but I digress. I was hooked on SC2 and thought Soul Calibur was the shit until you destroyed it with 5 with your bullshit animu gameplay that rips off Street Fighter and an AI that knows nothing but blood.

For Amma knows what reason, I decided to buy TTT2. Idk what drugs I was smoking, but something about this game drew me in.  It was like an alluring venus fly trap. It was something….






Sue me. I was a kid back when Tekken 2 was out. Everyone wanted to play it while I wanted to play SF2. I asked my cousin “why do you keep playing that game? It’s so boring!”

Then he showed me Alex the Raptor with boxing gloves and I thought “……COOL!

So imagine me finding out that they brought back the raptor for this game. I said “eh, it’s only $20 bucks, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Well, there goes my enthusiasm for DOA5U. Buying fighters for one character hasn’t really been a boon for me (except with MK9 with Rastafarian Cyrax) and this is pure proof of it. I was willing to look past the bad gameplay just for some childhood memories of beating up people with my preferred boxing dinosaur. Tekken has a history of making retarded characters, but I fucking LOVED Alex! He’s awesome.

So imagine my dismay when, in a feeble attempt to warm up to this character by putting it on easy, only to have my ass handed to me on a silver platter by some infinity combo spamming bitch called “unknown”. Bitch is relentless. Of course, her extreme tendency to juggle mother fuckers into the air and NEVER LET THEM ESCAPE is something I chalk up to Harada’s extreme incompetence in turning the series into a circus show.

See, starting with 4 or 5, the series turned from mildly boring to incredibly fucked up shit. Why should the players become members of the Ringling Brothers just to be pro beast god mode at this bitch? And the extreme tendency in trapping players into long death combos that they have no way of breaking out of is terrible game design, and I hated it when they put that bullshit into Soul Calibur. I figure since it’s the AI, they would do stupid shit all the time, but low and behold, they will juggle your ass so much.

The AI in fighting games should never bullshit you. The AI should be the punching bag for you to get warmed up on. But see, the problem is Namco and it’s pro ass eventhub nerds are so obsessed with high-level play, they literally programmed the AI to be just like fighting a human opponent that is set permanently to Daigo Umehara mode.


Hate hate hate

Definitely hate


This, in theory, would be kinda cool because if you don’t have anyone else to play with, you have AI to make believe you are. The problem is in practice, it’s still the goddamn AI. You’re losing to something that is artificial. With no material presence of another human being in possession of a controller, it’s just not the same goddamn thing. This plan doesn’t work, especially since the always overrated online features should alleviate the problem (then again, everyone will bitch about “netcode”).

Actually, that’s a good thing. Anyone who thinks the internet is a replacement for the good ol’ arcade room is a moron who deserves the bad net code to fuck him in the ass. Silly eventhub nerds.

Unfortunately, Namco seems to be gearing all of their fighters toward the eventhubs crowd. The game cannot be played on a regular or so-called “casual” level on the AI for shit.

See, stupidly enough, Namco thought it was a grand idea to apply rankings to every character offline. Everytime you win a match in arcade mode, you get promoted to the next rank. This makes no sense because all you’re really doing is beating up the CPU. Every match, however, is a ranking match which bumps up your rank without much effort or any indication that your skill has improved. This wouldn’t be so bad if the AI didn’t bypass the difficulty settings and scaled themselves up according to your ranking. So if you’re playing TTT2 just to unlock character endings, you better make sure your characters are all in beginner rank before you get started in arcade mode. That also means you have to choose Solo so that you don’t have 2 characters leveling up before you decide you want to see that person’s ending. For example, I chose Jin first and Bruce 2nd got Jin’s ending. Now I wanna use Bruce Solo, I can barely get passed Jinpachi because Bruce’s ranking is 1st Dan. I haven’t even had that much practice with this game and already, because it’s poorly designed, it demanding that I get better in as little as a good 20 minutes!? Everyone suggests now that going into Ghost battle is an easier way to get character endings. I call bullshit because the chances of getting the endings you want are completely random. Sure, the AI lets up, but it takes even longer to get what you want out of the deal. I have to put up with this bullshit because my ranking is higher than my skill?
It’s only been a day that I had this game and it’s already pissing me off. It’s bloated with so many pointless features like a fightlab (You just keep playing until you get better. Don’t need no retarded tutorial mode), an install size of 7 fucking gigs, and still having bad load times, and the farce of needing a patch to fix the broken ass AI. How? If the AI is dependent on character rankings, what is the point of a very easy mode?

This is terrible game design. It’s only suited for nerds, the dregs of the gaming communities. Namco seems to have gotten the wrong message that the nerds are the ones that made the franchise popular, the same hopeless idiots that needed this game to encourage them to take up martial arts because it “looked cool” in a digital form. If a video game is enough motivation to hand your paper over to some McDojo, then you deserve to be taken advantage of. Namco’s desire to appeal to eventhubs, SRK, etc. is costing them some sales. It’s been several months since release and it STILL hasn’t gone passed 1 million total. Sure, everyone claims TTT2 is the shit. But what Tekken game isn’t considered the shit? It’s ironic that Tekken’s most advertised aspect is that it is one of the best selling franchises of all time, and then this game comes out with piss poor sales. Even RE6 did better, and Resident Evil has been raped to death.

With TTT2 and SC5, Namco has shown that the only audience that matters is the EVO crowd. The same introverted freaks who can do 99hit ultra combos in Killer Instinct (soon to be a baby!). Playing Tekken 6 on PSP and having to deal with Azazel, I told myself that I need not worry about Soul Calibur having this bullshit. Upon playing through arcade mode from SC4, I was treated to a shockwave spamming Apprentice, Nightmare has some orbital shockwave move, and Algol can spam fireballs that are actually effective in 3D! SC5? Bland ass super moves and an even lower chance of escaping an ass raping combo. And JUGGLING! The AI can juggle your ass like crazy in SC5! One of the things that REALLY pisses me off is when the AI knocks you on the ground, sits there, and when your character decides it’s in his best interest to get off the ground, the AI quickly finds an opening and knocks into the air and juggles you. They can also easily push you off into constant ring outs. Namco, goddamn, I think SNK does a better job of AI programming. See, treating it like a VIDEO GAME instead of an EVO MATCH, you can actually learn the boss patterns and come out victorious. You don’t have a margin for error in Namco fighters and the AI will never let up. The AI is the single WORST element of Namco fighters this day in age. They are sporadic and completely out of control. I’d chalk this up to the general game design principles Namco fighters follow, but it seems to be much worse in this regard because the games don’t give you any options to escape juggle combos that clip your health 50%. And the weird part is even the impervious and stubborn Tekken fanboys are getting sick of this shit. Certainly shows with the low sales margins for both of these games.

And All I wanted to do was play the raptor and beat people up with it.

Man, if I told you how pissed off my coworkers are when they read my shit, you’d think they were justified in their rage. One of them happens to be a hardcore fighting game nerd who has the same misconception as everyone else. You must play a game before judging! It’s not only a half-truth, but a petty though universally accepted form of reasoning and damage control. Because who knows? It might actually just be good! Of course, if you’re trying to sell something, first impressions are everything. And looking at SC5, it is the most repelling entry in the series.

It’s worse than I feared. Infact, I never dreamed it could be so harrowing.

Upon booting the game up, I was shocked by the absence of an intro. Every Soul Edge game had some sort of intro that gives you a small taste of the characters, you know, who they are, what their reasons are for seeking out Soul Edge, yadda yadda, yet would still leave you wondering just what the hell is going on. Since there IS no story for 5, I suppose this makes sense. And I refuse to count that trite story mode which only covers  Sophitia’s bitchy, whiny children. Patrick (still can’t spell his name) has to be the most blood boiling son of a bitch to ever grace a Soul Edge game. We’re expected to treat him as a main character!? He’s already poorly designed, but his personality is so forced and poorly executed, you can’t help but hate him anyway.


As for what little plot they have, Patrick is  slayer of (what he assumed were) “malfested beings”. He does this to appease  man named Dumas in exchange for finding his long lost sister, Pyrra. A some point, he realizes that Dumas was lying to him because he needed to feed himself with more souls and become more powerful than ever. In that regard, Patrick betrays him and joins up with Black Wind led by Siegfried who rewards him with the sword, Soul Calibur. Using this, the weapon gives Patrick a vision of his mother who proclaims it is his destiny to slay the blah blah…

I’m sorry… DO YOU CARE!? Does anyone care about the faux-sibling rivalry, the random  Astaroth encounter, Ivy being a plot advancement, Nightmare getting his ass kicked just to show off how “badass” ZWEI is, the 3 asian descendants of Kilk, Xiangua ad Taki who challenge Pat to a fight for possession of the “3 sacred treasures” of who gives a shit!? And even if you did, you’d find yourself asking “this is the best they can come up with!?”

This story has gone completely MIA in terms of logic and reasoning and turns into a poor man’s animu shit fest. Nothing is explained or even resolved, and yes, all of this can be blamed on Namco’s insistence to push the game out as fast as humanly fucking possible with no regard for polish and a much bigger regard for money! But even then, I’d go as far to say Sonic 06 had better execution in it’s plot, no matter how out of character Sonic is. You don’t have to TRY TO LIKE some of the fuckers (Mephiles)

And even then, the story they have in motion is just terrible! I’m glad it went unfinished in some regard because I dread to see what the full product would be. Since the story is centered exclusively on the 2 bastards, I can already see what type of animu cogwheels were in motion. ZWEI would be the eternal rival who becomes jealous of Pat’s power over Calibur, Raphael would be some random villain, Mitsurugi would be some sort of mentor for Patty who kicks his ass and then trains him some more on “TRUE STRENGTH LIES WITHIN ME!” (leading to how he masters Calibur despite Elysium’s influence and barely legal fashion sense), Cervantes would capture poor Pyrrha, and Maxi would allow Patty to join his crew to help save her from Cervantes (PIRATES AT WAR, ONE PIECE RAP BITCH!) Xiba and Leixia would be the unfunny comedy relief (an INSULT to the epicness that is Kilik), some spark of romance between Patty and Lexia, etc. I don’t even need a full story, I can just visualize how bad it would be.

And I ask why the plot took this direction where the characters now have moral conflicts?! The original Soul Edge, up until about Calibur 2 or 3, had a basic but brilliant story where warriors across the world search, rat race style, for the weapon known as Soul Edge for various reasons. Siegfried wants to kill an imaginary murderer, Taki and Sophitia wish to destroy it, Hwang wants it to fight back Toyotomi’s invasion of Korea, Mitsurugi wants to defeat the rifle with a powerful sword, etc. It even continued up into 4 where Yun-Seong still wants it, and Maxi wants it for revenge against Astaroth. But it was interesting as they all came into conflict with each other over the sword. Afterward, people began to realize the sword was evil and drove the wielders into the brink of madness (Cervantes), and so they all learn the lesson of relying on their own strength rather than the weapon itself! It’s all very basic, but the main idea is that seeing all these different characters with different motivations breeds the game into the standard “rmake your guy/gal win” type of fighting game. To see the outcomes of their journey. Not just that, but it gave the impression that the characters were ALL on some grand adventure, traveling from locale to locale, facing off against assassins, monsters, etc. The weapon Master modes gave us that kind of fantasy adventure feeling, that you were on that quest for the ultimate sword! That’s epic, out there, big idea stuff!

The music gives off the feeling of a grand fucking adventure waiting to unfold, bitch!

WHY THE FUCK would I be more interested in an endless succession of cliched narratives involving demonic hellspawns, the “ultimate fucking battle of Good vs Evil”, fighting against your dark side, and intellectualizing if Justice justifies the means to that justice! Especially if the main character acts like a damn turd to the point that you just don’t care anymore, after story mode is complete, you just wanna rush to training mode, take out Mitsurugi, and crush that little fucker into the ground!

This intro tries to be epic with that creepy chorus music that sounds like it was ripped from Pandora’s Tower.

But Patty ain’t the only little shit that needs his ass kicked. There’s Xiba for being placed there because the Japanese somehow believe having a tape worm translates to comedy gold, Leixia for being a female Goku (makes friends by fighting them), Natsu for being the justification of Japan’s obsession with American women without actually having her be American (Setsuka comes to mind), ZWEI for the so-called “bad ass rival” trope that all the 12 year old animutards will think is “awesome”, and Voila just for being so damn arbitrary. The only thing she’s good for is the wild mass guessing about her being Amy, a character even LESS people give a fuck about and was only mildly interesting because she was an extension of Raphael, a more popular character. The Japanese are TOO DAMN formulaic when it comes to creating their characters (it’s part of the reason why I’m far less interested in anime than I used to be) and they need to stop.

Speaking of Raphael, WHY DOES NAMCO KEEP FUCKING WITH HIS MOVE SET!? He was damned incredible in SC2, but kept getting nerfed up da bum hole! Take for example, his Back, Back, B move from SC4. He steps backward quite a distance with a Guard Impact motion, and could move right back in for a possible counter attack that, if it connects, will turn into an attack throw that does 3 more slashes. In 5!? Now you have to be in preparation stance and then do the motion. But you can’t do the counter attack unless the opponent tries to hit Raph while the GI glow is still in effect. But Raph can keep doing the same stupid back step over and over again. Because the manuveur’s input is changed to a more awkward motion, it’s no longer a viable move. Again, the first rule of fighting games is to never focus on using moves that have complex or awkward commands. In deliberately making the character’s best moves more awkward to use, you are reducing their appeal in gameplay. But hey, at least Raph still gets those moves. Where the fuck are Ivy’s other stances!? She can’t go into whip mode automatically, and now her whip form is just regular attacks?! Mitsurugi’s relic stance is gone!? First they made it awkward to use in 4, now they get rid of it?

Namco, I don’t know what brand stick is shoved up your ass,  but there are just some things you don’t… fucking… do in fighting games. You know one of the reasons why King of Fighters lost it’s appeal? SNK kept fucking up the character’s moves! Terry Bogard was missing his patented Power dunk at one point! Character consistency and familiarity is one of the reasons people continue to play Street Fighter to this very day. Capcom’s laziness  to update anything about their character’s movesets is a blessing in that your skills from a previous installment will always translate to the sequels no matter what new systems and fighting engines are put in place to prevent cheap spams of fireballs. Complacency with preferred characters is a MUST for fighting game sequels. Taking out characters, moves or arbitrarily switching up the commands to perform those moves does nothing but completely piss off your audience. Why the fuck am I finding myself needing to relearn the same damn character per installment?! Your audience needs to be comfortable and confident that the character they played in a previous installment is left unchanged or mildly updated with a better move to make up for a lost one. Cutting shit out (possibly for the sake of balance!?) makes the character in question less appealing! You know how it feels to have some awesome character you like to play, but in a sequel, that character got nerfed and now you’re dealing with some new, over-powered character that you stand no chance at beating unless you leave your favorite character behind for a new one that can dish it!? And you find yourself just wishing they never touched your favorites so you drift off into fantasy land, wishing your favorites were still epic enough to beat the shit out of those new, scrubby fuckers, and you go online to bitch and declare “had this been my vanilla favorite, you wouldn’t stand a chance!?”

Any Ganon fans out there? You know I’m spittin the truth!

It burns my ass because Namco has an ADDICTION to pulling this shit! It’s like they can’t help themselves! Oh but what balls they have to take the worst aspect of Capcom’s fighting game style of development and give the characters some of the most bland and un-inspired super attacks in the history of fighting games!? Even Bloody Roar 2 had cooler super moves! You don’t keep the character consistency, but you turn the game into a “time-bidding super move” comeback fest!? What horse shit! Oh and here’s the best part! Manual Guard Impacts have been removed in favor of “Just defend”! Basically, like Garou, you need to hit guard fast enough to block an attack in some fancy, contrived way that benefits you. Oh and the guard impacts that are a part of the character’s special moves? They COST…FUCKING…METER! So Raphael keeping his backstep GI is pointless! “Capcomming” is right! How is this gameplay any better than 4!? It’s not even faster, what are these people seeing!? One thing I’ve noticed is that blocking an attack seems even harder in this game because everything seems to break through your guard half the time. Not to mention guard crushes seem to be easier to do than before. So… really you’re being punished for playing defensively. This is the anti-thesis of Soul Blade! As a weapon based fighter, defense is the corner stone of play styles that people SHOULD familiarize themselves with. Knowing how shit the gameplay is in the Caliburs, not playing defensively was routinely punished. But now!? The button mashy nature of the game is fucking rewarded. So playing as Xiba will be twice the most rewarding aspect of the game than ever before! It sucks ass that Kilik was only present in games where he is NOT rewarded for button mashing, but Xiba’s annoying ass is.

And no, I’m not counting the mimicking Phoenix in this game. I don’t care how sexy his new look is, that is NOT Kilik! I don’t think having less development time excuses the fantastic nonsense of having 3 mimics, but low and behold, Cuntsuhiro Harada has enough time to self-insert his stupid ass into the game and translating Devil Jin’s moves to himself! Funny how there was just enough time to convert ONE tekken character under the veil of a self-righteous douche bag, but you couldn’t convert Talim, Zasalamel, or even Seong Mina into this game!? You could’ve just grabbed the data from SC4 and put it in, ain’t like much has changed between both games aside from nerfed veterans and over-powered “new generation” animu shit stains. You take out Talim, a FAN FAVORITE, but you continue to give psycho bitch Tira all the protection, warmth, and love despite that no one likes the bitch for gameplay or content reasons. Author’s pet. Indeed.

The more I played this game, learned how to do Just guards and all that other bullshit, the more pissed I got with it. It’s so bare bones, the characters are ALL arbitrary, arcade mode is only 6 stages long and… then it hit me. The reason why this Calibur felt so bland and lacking isn’t because of lack of development time. That’s an excuse ANYONE can use these days, but ever since Sonic 06, I’m not buying it anymore. This game, more than most other 3D fighters…. feels like Virtua Fighter! In that all the characters are just preset avatars. This game is the UFC and not the WWE! Nothing exemplifies this more than the Character Creator! All the DLC that was released for this game is for the Character Creator. It’s the most praised element of the game. That leads me to believe that the praise given exclusively to the fighting system and the creation system…. were the only elements that Namco gave a fuck about. The game is just a generic fighter where you make a character based on preset movelists, and go straight to online mode, show off your mad skillz in bad fashion sense, and go at it! SC5 isn’t about the characters or the universe, or the sense of adventure. It’s exclusively about a busted ass fighting system, avatars, and an online mode that people think is a good replacement for the good ol’ arcade even with lag.

Macy Gray as Wonder Woman was funny as hell, though.

Soul Calibur 5…. is a game for fighting game nerds. The hardcore’s type of game. All the elements are here. Lack of story focus (because who plays fighters for story M I RITE!?). More focus on online and player customization. Gameplay base solely on adapting to limitations rather than player experimentation and rewarding a variety of different playstyles, it’s all here. You either try your hand at your favorites, or run for the animu scrub magnet Xiba/Leixia/Natsu or 12 year old “cool” guy ZWEI and go for it. Not to mention trying to appeal to the EVO crowd by including EVO wet dreams of super moves. Not to mention the EXTREME influx of animu influences. Why is that that Japan doesn’t branch out from their usual cultural influences anymore? It’s obvious that, on a global scale, that anime and manga is not popular anymore. The 90s are dead and gone, no one likes this shit anymore because it’s over-saturated with the same generic character tropes, badly designed and fashionably challenged, recycled plots, stupid bullshit shipping, all that while being much WORSE in execution! Soul Calibur was devoid of that until fucking TIRA was introduced in 3! Since then, the Caliburs have sucked ass. And I can’t help but feel that Project Soul is more interested in flooding the games up with Japanese influences rather than making them thrilling adventures as they were before. And with 5, now they’re going niche with the series which explains it’s poor… poor sales.

Well, for all the cliches you’d find in reviews, I say Namco no longer has a soul. And mine just got tarnished by this one.

I loves me some Soul Calibur. Really, I do. Unless you count that piece of shit Wii offering.

Fuck you Namco. Could’ve just ported SC3 for all we cared.

I bought SC4 recently, and despite it’s flashy loveliness and Sophitia totally asking for it, I should’ve taken notice of all the complaints surrounding the game. But alas, I wanted a new Soul Calibur game, dammit! So imagine my dismay when I popped this bitch in, pick up Raphael despite all irony of choices, and discovered that Project Soul completely fucked him up. And I’m not just saying that. They fucked him up so badly, you would mistake him for a joke character.

The…. chronic!

I mean he’s so damn slow in comparison to what I used back in SC2! Not to mention his best moves are now more awkward to use than before. You have to go into preparation mode just to use his 3 quick slashes (which used to be Forward+B,B,B). What balls PS has in destroying this character just to “balance the game”. But the even BIGGER crime!? They fucked up Talim too! They even removed moves that were pointless or flashy and replaced them with pure shit. Not to mention her stupid cat outfit is a fucking disgrace. And is it just me or did they make her into a total wuss? Her dialogue is softer and wimpier than in SC2. Yes, even in that game, she sounded hardcore compared to whatever the hell kind of rag she’s on in this game. She even taunts the opponent. “Payback!” “You want more!?”.


In this game, she’s the equivalent to that bitch Cream the Rabbit from Sonic Advance 2!

And to top it all off, the game just felt empty and barren. The amount of stages in the game seems tiny, there’s no weapon master mode and is instead replaced with a blood boiling Tower of Lost Souls, you can’t even customize the main characters beyond their outfits and weapons (I don’t recall Raphael being a steroid freak like the rest of the cast. Would want to change that for consistency but naw). And then you have these weird ass animu shit stain characters like Angol Fear who makes me fear for the baby she breast feeds. Star Wars is out of place, Algol is a chump compared to even Inferno, DLC music is a retarded idea, and who the fuck is Tira and why does she remind me of Harely Quinn from Batman?

Overall, it feels like a very disappointing game. Especially with Talim being ass deep in nerfage. But to pour salt on an open wound, the bitch ain’t even in SC5!!! Infact, most of my characters aren’t even in the game! Kilik, Taki, Talim, Sophitia, Zasalamel, and hearing Raph got nerfed up the arse again, you might as well count him too! I don’t care how fabulous he looks with his Gun Grave cosplay. And just how the hell is Cervantes human again? Maybe that will be explained in the story.

Oh wait. From what I hear, there is none for anyone except Sophitia and Cassandra’s expies, Patrick (can’t spell his real name for the life of me) and Pyrra. Apparently, the excuse being used by fans (and maybe the devs) is that the game takes place 17 years after 4, so the characters would be too old to fit into the future. Plus, Japan has some stupid law that forbids developers from putting females in fighters if they are above the age of 27 (Power Instinct being the exception, I guess). But, they could’ve just put the characters in with no aging and have them as bonus characters with no story. Hell, NO ONE has a story in this game so there should be no excuse.

That’s one of the main reasons I feel repulsed by SC5. Yes it looks gorgous, but because I’ve been FUCKED out of my own character choices, all I got is Mitsurugi and expies.I have no incentive to buy it beyond another character creator. But most of all, everyone is simply saying the game is great due to gameplay reasons alone. And better online support. There goes my enthusiasm!

I’m sorry, did anyone buy Soul Calibur for it’s busted ass fighting system that justifies all complaints about “button mashing” (LOL GUARD IMPACT YOU SCRUB!)!? Oh wait, that’s not a choice either because you need a fucking METER to do it!? It’s the worthless Alpha Counters from SFA3 all over again! Sorry, people bought Soul Calibur because a blond elf with the greatest set of lungs since Liu Kang was featured as a guest character. Assasins Creed is overrated. But guest characters sold Soul Calibur. It was obscure and completely irrelevant to everyone’s lives. Almost everyone’s first memory of the series started at 2. That was the kind of content that drew people into Soul Calibur. As a fighting game series, despite how good it’s content is, it’s not a popular draw for any enthusiast of fighting games. Fighting games set in ancient times have never been popular until now.

The majority of popular fighters exist in the modern times, drawing inspiration from modern/80s/90s martial arts flicks, along with having modern music with the likes of techno, rock, and even rap music. Weapon based fighters were never a big hit until a Zelda character was featured as a guest. Weapon based fighters just have no flow. They don’t feel natural, and neither does Soul Calibur. Sure, it has weapon demonstrations, and robust story about several historical piece fighters looking for a weapon to fix their situations until realizing the sword is evil and will do more harm than good, and the quest modes are always filled with more enticing side stories than any other quest mode in a fighter. It’s like what an RPG would be like if they were any good. But as a fighting game itself, the fights always look silly and contrived. Just like Tekken, it looks stupid from afar, just some random people swing around sometimes oversized weapons and knocking the characters around the stage like something out of a cartoon. But hey, it’s stupid fun. Can be frustrating, but stupid fun none the less. I could give no fucks about how improved the fighting system is because that is honestly not the reason I play these games. It’s that sense of being in a universe filled with interesting characters and that feeling of being on some grand adventure, fighting and defeating wicked warriors and demonic entities. Soul Calibur is just different from other fighting games. Hearing about what others deemed the “capcoming” of this game completely ruins whatever enthusiasm I might’ve had with SC5. I despise capcom fighters because of that micro-management bullshit and lack of interesting characters outside of Dark Stalkers. That and most of my peeps are removed or nerfed for the worst! Oh sure, lets take out an interesting character like Zasalamel or even Necrid, and Amy even, but we keep that crazy bitch Tira and miss boring honor bound Hilde. For what!? I have no idea. The little story that is present in SC5 is all about Sophitia’s stupid offspring fighting some random war against possessed people. There’s no sense of adventure or a quest, it’s just some “fight the battle within” or “are you willing to kill for justice” morality bullshit that I can find in Metal Gear Rising. (and don’t get me wrong, this game is the bomb!)

Then again, SC5 doesn’t seem to be for any fan of Soul Calibur. It feels more like some anime cock-fight than Soul Calibur. I usually play this series to get away from the anime-cock fighting. Well, this and currently MK9 which, despite my incredible skepticism, rips all kinds of ass. But look at SC5’s newest additions and you’ll find more manga influences than anything else. Most of all ZWEI who essentially has a stand from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure where he calls upon some spirit wolf for certain attacks. And.. just look at his design!

This is a damn anime character!

Must be a fan of SNK’s “loner asshole” series of characters ranging from Iori Yagami to Genjuro from Samurai Shodown, Gato from Garou, K-Dash, etc.

The series is getting too anime for my own good! Look at some of the critical finishes these characters have. It’s the most Japanese shit you could see.

Poor Maxi is so completely animu now.

Rising Dragon of the Zodiac!? What the fu… this is NOT Maxi! Listen to his fucking voice! But that’s nothing compared to this bullshit.

Too…. much…. anime… influence…

I mean, honestly, after going through the emptiness of 4, and hearing 5 is a rushed product that’s even MORE empty than 4, who’s only redeeming factor is “improved gameplay” that rewards button mashers more than ever before (what improvement is that!?), I feel completely discouraged from wanting the game. The most i’d want are those awesome looking levels, but who plays fighting games for a bunch of levels you have no real interaction with!?

Oh well. I guess like with 3, this will be one I skip. This time, however, it will be purposeful.

RIP, real Talim.