Every game that was on a Ninturd console just about… has had Nintendo’s cock plastered all over it in some way. Tekken Tag 2 had Mario and Zelda costumes (the lamest shit you will ever see in Tekken, yes lamer than the new titty monster in Revo), Monster Hunter had Zelda costumes, Dynasty Warriors had Zelda and Metroid costumes, Rayman Legends with Mario costumes, and now we’ve got Sonic with goddamned yoshi levels. Hell, there’s Harvest Moon on 3DS with Mario Mushrooms you can grow in the corn fields.

Now, I don’t know if it’s the order of the publisher deal, but Nintendo appears to be using these franchises to promote themselves. I’ve never known a company outside of maybe Disney that was obsessed with saturating their own dicks.

One has to really question the motive behind these moves. After Brawl was turned into one massive Nintendo pride parade, and then moving on to Nintendo Land and the upcoming Smash 4, the term “why” comes to mind. Why does Nintendo feel the need to over-self-promote, internally and externally? Why are they so obsessed with their past history?

If people bought Nintendo consoles to get a taste of Nintendo history, why did the N64 and Gamecube fail? Gamecube had so many games from Nintendo’s franchise history, but none of them saved the Gamecube from being shit. The Wii had very little from Nintendo’s franchise history and it kicked ass. Regular people don’t recognize Nintendo for much more than Mario and Pokemon at this point. Even Smash Bros. is a passing interest nowadays. Making games that promote Nintendo’s history has proven to be detrimental to Nintendo’s success. It expresses the full force of their vanity, and people don’t like vanity. PS3 failed because it was steeped in vanity. Aonuma Zelda fails because they are vanity projects that express the glory of hardware gimmicks. Anything Quantum Dream does fails as they’re all vanity projects. Mega Man 9 and 10? Same story.

Nintendo, however, is working through other companies to show their vanity. All this talk about wanting 3rd party support has nothing to do with wanting games to sell their console. It has everything to do with wanting games to sell Nintendo. There are still a plethora of 3rd parties that are resistant to Nintendo, and here you can see why. Nintendo couldn’t give 2 shits about 3rd parties. They’re only using their games as tools to promote themselves and say that there are 3rd parties that like Nintendo enough to be butt-fucked with retarded costumes. And whats the pay off? Pii U is dead everywhere. Therefore, how can Nintendo promote anything outside of REAL advertising?

Of course, the common response would be “ur mad over some costumes”. Count em up though, that’s 6 fucking games in under a year with Nintendo’s shameless self-promotion. 7 if you include goddamn Nintendo Land. It’s as though they’ve completely lost sight of why 3rd party games need to be brought to the console. If I buy a 3rd Party game, I don’t need to be reminded of who published the fucking game. See, that’s the thing with Nintendo it seems. If they publish anything, it needs some sort of “seal of quality” stamped on it’s ass before they press the discs. This behavior wasn’t so common until now.

And of course, that brings us to Sonic’s DLC. More than a slap in the face, actual Sonic fans are denied real Sonic content in favor of promoting a Nintendo game no one will buy. Wasted potential and talent for sure, but it certainly shows what Nintendo’s true motives are. They don’t give 2 shits about the Sonic franchise, and why should they? Sonic isn’t shit in Japan (or the world atm), so why not give all the Nintards the “Free advertising” they can get? The Sonic brand is harmed enough, but Nintendo doesn’t seem to realize they’re basically pissing on it. The imagery of Sonic being absorbed into Mario’s world after a history of a heated rivarly that is, for better or worse, fucking historicly epic is harmful. It pretends the rivalry never existed (and if I had a dollar for everytime I heard the phrase “TIMES HAEV CHAAAANGED!”, the IRS would be up my ass for years), and distorts the claim of Sonic having an identity crisis. It’s essentially rewriting history. It’s so blatant that it pretends that Sonic was always a Nintendo property in which Nintendo can do whatever they please with it.

But the question remains still. What…. is…. the benefit?

Having a Tekken game doesn’t help due to it’s accessibility and presence on Playstation consoles (and BS3 being out longer), no one outside of Japan like Monster Hunter, Rayman Legends sucked, Dynasty Warriors has always been niche, and Harvest Moon? Has that shit EVER been popular? Why would Nintendo seek out franchises that no one cares about……. to promote themselves?

Nintendo needs someone to give them a swift kick in the ass.

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