Archive for December, 2014


Man, I’ve been through all 5 stages with this PSO2 situation. From the onset of it’s delay:

1: Denial.

Pff, it’s probably nothing! We all know Sega’s kinda retarded these days, they probably forgot that this is the season for the release date, yah know? Hahah! We’ll get it soon enough! ….. any time now.

2: Anger

Come on Sega what the FUUUCK! SHIT! I’ve been waiting for a sequel to this bitch for eons! EONS BITCH!! COME… THE FUCK…. ON ALREADY!!! STUPID… FUCKING… COMPANY… STUPID… FUCKING… RACIST ASSHATS!! I WANNA BITE SOMEONE IN THE FACE!! I’m gonna tea bag the SHIT out of Haijime’s pedo mustache, piece of shit billionare with his piece of shit Pachinko business! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

3: Bargaining.

Sega… if I have to… I swear I’ll buy the Pii U and totally gonna buy both versions of Lost Mind… and.. and maybe I’ll throw in Aliens: Colonal Marines! Yeah! And I swear to never make fun of the people that cried over not getting Fatal Frame for the Wii. I understand now the pain of not getting a game localized. Hehe, yeah, that’s… that’s all you wanted to show me… right? Right!?

4: Depression

OH AMMA WHYYYYYYYYYYY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH!!! I JUST WANT PSO2 WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

5: Acceptance

…….You know what? I don’t even need PSO2. I already have 3 Phantasy Star games, all of which happen to be total grind fests, and I’m still dealing with Presequel which is an even bigger grind fest, I’m… I’m cool with it. You know, those Asian territories probably need it more than I do, what with all them typhoons tearin they asses up, something that… eases the pain is what the doctor ordered! Besides, everyone’s talking all this good shit about Destiny being like… like some westernized version of PSO2 without all the retarded Japanese waifu simulator business going around…. yeah! Space Explorer cock fest! HERE I COME!

…….Yeah, I’m desperate. Since Gearbox is turning Presequel to shit, I’m hearing all this stuff about how Bungie is actually IMPROVING their game instead of taking a massive dump on it like Punkford and his crew. Initially I ignored the game due to how samey it looks to other space marine shooters (and that 20 gig space requirement gooooooooooddamn!) along with how it’s a victim of overhype (IE everyone hates it despite pumping it up like it was gonna be bigger than it is) idk. But there’s literally no chance of PSO2 coming stateside…. and I kinda need my Space Explorer fix. Not Space Marine fix, there is a difference.

……Is…..Destiny…..worth… a damn? And why 20 mother fucking gigs?

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……..Man, that’s a lame title. Merry Christmas bitches!

When it comes to Sonic the Hedgehog, the one thing that everyone has to keep in mind as to what it’s all about. No, it’s not about the speed. It’s not about the platforming. It’s not even about Chaos Emeralds. It’s all…. about this.

Pinball. Pinball is, in actuality, the life blood of Sonic the Hedgehog. The secret ingredient that kept people wondering why it tasted so great. Pinball was what gave way to the many gimmicks and features you see in Sonic games of old and today. Every spring you bounce on is plunger rod meant to send a ball into play. Every hole you enter that propelled you through to another part of the level was simply a tube with 2 spinning wheels that propels a ball from hole to hole. The twisty bridges of Emerald Hill were merely the wire ramps a ball traverses through on a board. Sonic’s world, the very planet of Mobius, is but a giant organic pinball machine. And Sonic is a living, breathing organic pinball.

Playing with himself.

The reason why 2D Sonic games of today feel sluggish and “off” is because the people making the games do not understand pinball. The physics of 2D Sonic is based on pinball. Without studying pinball, the significance of Sonic is lost in translation. Without studying pinball, you get low acceleration in Sonic 4. Playing Knuckles Chaotix, it was evident that Sega started to lose sight of what the first 4 games play so well, so by the time we get to Sonic Adventure 2, it abandoned the Pinball aspects completely in favor of automation. Hell, Casino Park and Bingo Highway make me cry, they play like ass.

The nature of Sonic games being pinball is significant when you consider how difficult it must’ve been to translate Sonic’s world into television form. Since no one really got Sonic back then, tv producers had to make due with loony toons crap to “justify” the pinball world… or ignore it and make something fucking awesome like SATAM.

Casino Night Zone was Sonic in it’s most purest form. The flippers, the bumpers, the flashing lights, the jackpots, everything. Twas a very popular level that created nostalgic memories for years, so much so that Sega included it as one of Sonic’s many level tropes.

Then, some guys at a company called STI said “fuck it, lets just make… a pinball game!” “Fuck yeer, it’s gonna be sweet! We gonna put like a big scary ass dragon in a lake, then you can kill that stupid bird cluck, and then you can smash into like 3 different dragons, and then we gonna have like 16 chaos emeralds, it’s just dope!”.

Today, we call this game one of the many unfortunate examples of experimentation with the Sonic series, along with 3D Blast and countless spinoffs of the modern era. It’s unfortunate because it shows that we as a whole… don’t understand pinball.

The nature of pinball is basically a gambling machine with less risks involved. When people describe Sonic Spinball being a “hard” game, what they really mean is “God, this is so stupid!”.

 

If you were like me, you rented this baby from blockbuster, and those assholes could never keep a manual in tow. If you were that unfortunate, chances are you’d never know how to get passed level 1. If you did, you’d give up, feeling the tedium of the game.

The basic idea of making a pinball spinoff would be to do something like Sonic Pinball Party. But because STI wasn’t gay, we got a much bigger beast. We had one of the darker themed Sonic games of the classic era for no other reason than atmosphere, we had 4 maze like pinball boards to navigate, and we had an actual objective which (unfortunately for me) involved a glorified fetch quest. Combined with that was a physics engine that made us all vomit. Which is kinda odd as despite all that, it mimics an actual pinball machine rather well despite how poorly it runs.

Because the game was a giant pinball machine, the goal of completion was obnoxious. As I sad before, the game is a fetch quest in which you have to find 3-5 different chaos spread out thinly through each level. And was one of the most tedious objectives to complete. One, you had to know where fuckers were, and that involved exploration. Exploration which is dependent on the direction the ball is hit… which could take forever if you don’t time your flippers right. Oh, and once you know where they are, you have to contend with several obstacles blocking your path. Before you can get one emerald that is submerged in acid, you have to pull 2 switches located beneath the emerald. Then, you have to travel into an upper level and find your way to that emerald via 2 chutes that are blocked off by 3 barrels that you have to re-enter 4 times just to clear out the blockage. Then, you might have to drive a minecart left or right and hope to hell you find an emerald along the way. Rinse and repeat. And then fight a boss at the end.

All the while avoiding THIS asshole!

This one level can take as long as 10 minutes. And that’s the entire game. The way the goal is handled kills the entire game. For a title with only 4 levels, you’d think it would be less evil about how you could progress. I have yet to get passed level 2.

Spinball is a very stupid game because it has a very stupid objective. Whoever thought making a pinball game centered around a fetch quest deserved to be fired. It’s unfortunate because it had a lot of cool concepts. Every level is based on an elaborate defense system which serve as important landmarks in dismantling Robotnik’s base. They weren’t just some random levels the creators thought of. The game’s enemies had a more sinister feel to them, especially Rexxon.

And this creepy ass boss epitomizes the horrors of the veg-o-fortress.

The game had a much more terrifying feel to it than every other Sonic title at the time, and certainly felt like every other Genesis game too. Grainy rock music and all. And hey, it didn’t hurt to include some SATAM cameos. Though it’s a tad unoriginal to have the bonus rounds be normal pinball games, they’re certainly a helluva lot more fun.

Spinball, for all it’s faults, was a pretty ambitious game, when you get right down to it. Having this story of completely destroying a volcano fortress, pinball levels with different rooms, fucking dragons. You honestly get a sense that STI wanted to go big with this title. Hell, Sega in general seemed really primed for this game to win awards. The advertising campaign for Spinball was unbelievable. Course, it was also included with 2 other games (CD and Chaos) as some “Trinity of consumerism” called Sonic Mania . 3 major releases all on the same day. And with Genesis being the most popular and accessible of the 3 current devices, Spinball was obviously the attention grabber. And this was just a spinoff.

If anything, we could say that Spinball was the lesser of several evils. The only spinoff that didn’t erode any of Sonic’s popularity and in actuality made it… even cooler. Had the game not been stupid with it’s goal, the game might’ve been much more enjoyable to play and not feel like some pain in the ass grind.

Now, how I would’ve done it would be to have the goal of each level be score based. You have a set score to achieve, and you have at least 5-7 minutes to reach this score or you lose. IE everytime you hit a bumper, or killed an enemy, you gain points. Going into different areas of the level would apply some score multiplier, and finding any of the chaos emeralds along the way would dramatically increase your score. That way, it feels like your basic pinball game, but with the time limit, there’s an added amount of tension to keep things interesting, and there would be actual incentive to finding the emeralds. Because no one likes to search for things unless there is a benefit that MATTERS to the player. The whole point of scavenging for items in games was to gain benefits during the course of the level, so when you have Chaos Emeralds that boost your score in under a short time frame, you better believe yo happy ass would be looking for them. So while the same basic idea is there, it’s not the main goal of the game. Someone should DEFINITELY hack the fuck out of Spinball’s rom and put that idea in.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck I sounded like a nerd. 😦

Well… it’s been a couple of months since S.Doom’s release, the drama is gone and *sigh*, I missed quite a show according to the peeps I’ve spoken with. To see all the meltdowns and alleged “mass conversions” that took place would’ve been a show more spectacular than the news of Nintendo wanting to kill off the Pii U.

It begs the question, when news of this game aaaaaaaaaand Lost Mind dropped, what in the fresh hell possessed people to support these games in the first place? There mere fact that they were exclusive to fledging Nintendo consoles alone was enough to smell a bust a mile away, yet people stubbornly clinged to a false pretense that there was bound to be success amid the rampant skepticism.

From the last few discussions I’ve had, it probably had jack shit to do with optimism of the games, but because they love the smell of their own asses.

I was talking with a lady (I believe she had guest appearances on Sonic Dissected and cursed someone out over Super Metroid) about the fandom’s obsession with Sonic Conventions. I hadn’t really thought about just how many Sonic conventions are held on a yearly basis, and it begs the question of “why!?” When the object of your fandom has a quality threshold that’s 3 degress below whaleshit, there’s nothing to be proud of, never the less waste money organizing conventions no one bothers attending. But her theory goes that it had squat to do with supporting the company’s direction taken with a series and more to do with showing that they are great fans.

I think to myself “How the hell did I not see this!?”. This is fanboy behavior 101. The issue of unwarranted self-importance. When you get fans that are pre-occupied with keeping up their image of being a “true fan”, the quality of the product becomes irrelevant. Thus, you get jackoffs like this.

Terrible singer he is. Makes my ears bleed. Problem is, most of the fans are like 20 years older and act the same way. And on a more disturbing level, they care way too much about the conduct and purity of other fans. Like all that fuss about “recolors”.  “Oh, don’t make your own fan characters that in no way have any impact on my life or on the franchise we support unless they are a specifically original! NO HEDGEHOGS OR ECHIDNAS or else you’re justifying the Archie Comics existence!” But beyond that psychopathic tendency, this is why so many flamewars exist, all that nonsense about “spewing hatred, not having an open mind” and all the rampant attacks on legitimately good Sonic games like Adventure 2 or even Sonic 2, all has it’s roots in trying to prove that the fans are purely good people. By showing how “grateful” one is to the company’s new fangled  policies of destroying the series, they couldn’t care. Their self-image is more important than a creative direction taken with a franchise.

This is why they really have such ass backwards logic. Why the Emo Zeti was more acceptable than Shadow the Hedgehog. Why there weren’t “no issues” taken with the fucking horrible Boom redesigns. Why everyone was “comfortable” with Nintendo potentially buying out Sega. They don’t actually believe their own shit! They simply want to show that they are supportive fans regardless. It’s like the Joss Whedon fanboys who barley watch a damn thing he makes, but strong arms everyone to bow down to his almighty omnipotence.

The fact that most of the Sonic fanbase has merged with Nintendo fans is also very revealing. Nintendo fans are the kings of ass kissing, most of all those goddamn Pokemon fans (I’ve always compared the 2 fandoms, and it’s easy to see why) who desperately try to make Pokemon seem more adult than it is by hyping up it’s “metagame” that composes of nothing more than bitching about Smogon’s rules and tier listings oh I’m rambling again. Nintendo fans NEVER want other Nintendo fans to have any legitimate complaints about Nintendo brand, otherwise it would create the impression that “OH NO! WE AREN’T 100% WILLFULLY BLIND SHEEP! Nintendo may not support us fans ever again with puzzelda games and Shit Fox!”. You should’ve SEEN the magnificent storms over Metroid Other M!

Why specific fanboys would act like this is simple to dissect. Gamers, and hardcore gamers on a grand scale, have a deep seated insecurity about their favorite pasttime. People always want to feel as though they are a part of something, and/or have a sense of status in the world. Whether it be piddly ass school programs or even protests (admit it. Some of ya’ll just WANT some shit to go down so you can “join a movement” and tell your grandkids that “yeah… I lived that shit“). So for many people who have no actual talent or achievements, we tend to latch onto whatever it is we find significant to our lives just so we can have a sense of belonging (for many people, this includes church goers, or even sports fans). A sense that you’re a part of a community. For gamers, it’s a much stronger desire as people who play video games are ostracized as hell. And this is the thing that makes gamers terrible people to hang out with half the time, they’re always angry and overly critical of any medium they see, being overly cynical, etc., because for some strange reason, being a cynical asshole is confused with being “intellectual”. That is, ofcourse, why you see gamers trying so hard to convince people that shit like San Andreas and Dead or Alive are “art”. They want to be perceived better than they are. If you need an example, piss off any artsy dipshit gamer and watch them fire back at you with “GO BACK TO YOUR SHITTY CALL OF DUTY, YOU FUCKING CASUAL!”

The fanboys, on the other hand, take a completely different approach in substituting cynicism with denial, something they confuse with “optimism”. So when you see some random shitbird defending Sonic Bomb or w/e, it’s really some arrogant fuck who thinks he can mitigate legitimate criticism and tell the fans to be in happy denial. And this seems to be an epidemic when it comes to Sonic fans.

That’s what makes the denial crowd so dangerous, you see. When you have shit lord companies like Sega looking for nothing but a quick buck, they can truly exploit these assholes because they know for a fact that they’re just going to support their game regardless. And then you have ol’ crusty bastards like Mike Bollocks getting into flamewars with the fans for some reason (that’s just what I’ve been told). Sega doesn’t even have to try to make their products look appealing, if they have fans that are obsessed with their vanities and their egos, they can truly put out w/e they damn well please. Either that or Sega honestly believes that’s how fans behave (which I doubt. Sega isn’t that stupid). Denial is, unfortunately, the only way you could be a sane Sonic fan. Being a fan of a D-Rank series isn’t easy, having to stomach low quality titles on a yearly basis is a test more grating than watching Think like a Man. After this point, however, I feel this won’t be a problem much longer. Sonic Boom was so bad, it destroyed the last 4 years of pent up denial with no trouble at all.

Now it’s been replaced with “cautious optimism” and people are banking on this 2016 movie to save the series. That’s rich. We’re relying on HOLLYWOOD to save Sonic!

……Well, they can’t do any worse now……. Amma, I hate that damn face!

Flynn vs Pontac: Perfect comparison right there. Honestly, I haven’t read any of the comics since 1999, and I know they’re still hip.

Continuing my nostalgia trip, I pulled out Sonic Gems as I reminisced about being really fucking pissed off that Knuckles Chaotix wasn’t included. What a WASTED opportunity! You know how long I’ve been waiting for a modern console port of this very game!? There aren’t any 32X emulators for Wii or PS3 (to my knowledge). Goddammit! Hell, what about SegaSonic Arcade!?

So, I only had one major reason to buy this game. 3 if you included Vectorman 1 & 2. The one and only Sonic fighting game!

NO! Not that bullshit!

Pff, ain’t no fighting game at all, it’s Power Stone if you had down syndrome.

Dats da one!

It’s the only game from Gems that I hadn’t played at the time, and was probably the only other reason people bought gems (aside from getting SCD). I call it “Sonic Championship” as the localized name isn’t syntactically retarded. Another sign that SOJ cared just a wii bit too much about nippowning their IPs.

Many of Sega’s fighters at the time were all just clones of Virtua Fighter because they got the wacky idea that the game wasn’t shit. Some people compared THE FIGHTERS to another Sega game called Fighting Vipers. I recently had the chance to play that game as well seeing as everyone compared that to Bloody Roar, a series that just kicks ass, but I honestly can’t dig that game. It feels sluggish and not very fun, which was an issue for all of Sega’s fighters that took after Virtua Fighter. Sure it had more interesting characters and faster gameplay, but it feels like everyone is covered in molasses and tar. Even more so than Tekken. Seeing that THE FIGHTERS took after Vipers, I was impressed. It actually plays better in some regard. Either that or it’s just fucking hilarious.

 

Playing all of the characters, you get the slight impression that they’re all clones of each other, just with different animations for each of their attacks. Most of their unique special moves take a Ph’D in arthritis to learn. Not because they’re difficult commands, but because the controls aren’t exactly responsive. Trying to pull off even the most basic moves results in a lot of frustration. When it actually takes a few attempts to perform Knuckles’s Dragon Punch ( which is ) during a match, you know it’s fucked. The easiest “specials” for me to perform were actually the throws. Most of which involved taking the character’s weapon and using it against them. I must say, there’s a great level of satisfaction in taking Amy’s hammer and smashing the horny bastard into the pavement with it as your character shows off a sinister grin.

Oooooooooooh, lick MY ass, will yah!?

That said, it’s a really basic fighting game on it’s own, that will have you button mashing most of the time since every character has the same basic combos. Everyone even comes equipped with a spin dash attack, as well some pro wrestling moves like running up the stage walls, leaping off, and body slamming the opponents. Granted, there are 2 characters in the game that grate my nerves.

These 2 sons of bitches are the only real unique characters of the bunch. Why? They have projectile attacks. And this is a 3D fighter with no real sidestepping or decent jumping physics. You can get around Nack’s cork bullets by ducking at least and spin dashing to counter, but Bean is a real asshole. He just throws bombs around the arena to overwhelm and overpower his opponents. Imagine fighting a spammy ass Deathstroke user in Injustice, and you have Bean the Bastard. That’s how much of an asshole he is. Bark the Bear is the lesser of the “unique” characters in that he’s big, slow, and has short legs. Obviously, he does the most damage….. in a game where the attacks already hurt enough as it is. Nack, Bean, and Bark are overpowered as shit. Just sayin.

Anywho, the game has it’s own quirks that help it stand out from the other virtua fighter clones, such as that annoying ass “losing rings” sound effect every time you take damage. Honestly, every hit you take has the “cute shit” effect of you losing rings (a nice, subtle way of making it look like the characters are bleeding all over the place ala Mortal Kombat, no less. :P) and it’ll hurt your goddamn ears after a while. Trust me. The wacky and borderline cartoony animations for the amount of ass kicked gives this game a lot of energy and flare that was lacking in early 3D fighters, and the roster itself isn’t bad for a Sonic fighting game. It almost treats itself as though it were a Loony Toons game as many of the characters moves look like they were pulled out of the minds of Tex Avery and Chuck Jones. It’s this kind of humor that makes this game……. pretty fun on it’s own. When it comes to entertainment, comedy is a good insurance policy that your audience will have smiles on their faces.

…….Which is good, because it plays like ass. I mentioned before that attacks in this game hurt like hell. A single match would probably take less than a minute……often. The amount of health a player loses in the least amount of time is absolutely crazy. Even when you’re not dealing with swollen mother fuckers like Bark, regular joes like Tails could demolish opponents easily with a few well timed flurry of punches. The either the attacks in this game deal way too much damage, or the amount of health you have isn’t very high. This leads to incredibly short matches. This combined with some SNK styled AI makes the game feel like it’s based around luck.

You’ll see what I mean.

Oh, and dig the bottom corners of the screen. The barriers, just what are they? That’s your only means of blocking in the game…… and they’re limited. This is probably the first fighting game that foolishly punishes the player for… playing defensively, and this kind of madness started ramping up in fighting games of the last generation (easier guard breaks, guard crushes, etc.). You see, you have only 5 barriers that are weak. Once they’re all gone, you’re completely defenseless. I thought I’d never see the day when a fighter would feature micromanagement of your basic blocking functions. It’s even worse when you find out that the game allows you to enter a special “EX” mode where you spend 2 barriers just to attack wildly nonstop. Oh, and if you’re blocking and the opponent grabs you? You lose that barrier as well.

My small ass frame, and they give me nothing but PAPER to defend myself with!? Do you see how BIG his fucking hands are, man!?

All this means that the game expects you to be on the offensive, which wouldn’t be an issue if the controls weren’t drunk. It almost feels like playing Brawl. The creators thinking “the game is for FUN!” and removes all semblance of strategy and skill in order to emphasize the “FUN”. The difference between this and brawl is that, yeah, it actually IS fun in spite of all these facts. In the end, that’s all that really matters. Or it should. The problem is the game has no real longevity. Because of it’s wonky mechanics, it becomes less fun over time. Almost quickly.

Especially when you take it up the ass on occasion.

Unlike most other genres, fighting games NEED decent gameplay just to be sustainable and fun, and as much as I want to be biased, Sonic Championship doesn’t cut it. Sure, it’s better than any other Sega fighter they’ve made, but it’s still just as iffy. Bottom line, Sega makes crappy fighting games, and THE FIGHTERS is another, unfortunate example.

It serves the purpose of maybe passing the time and getting a few laughs out of it, but overall couldn’t take attention away from even the worst of fighters.

 

A toast to everyone who’s been having a ball grillin the ever loving shit out of Sonic Boom! Savin me ALL kinds of trouble and piss that I could be using to kill those damn cats who keep singing at night!

Anywho, seeing all the turmoil erupting after the bust, there’s been like this… mass awakening going on. Sonic fans starting to smell the coffee and realizing that “hey, Sega’s REALLY fucking up the sonic series, we iz doomed!” Sure is nice of them to get over their unwarranted self importance to start caring about the actual products rather than their status as fans.

That being said, I started to dig out every Sonic game I’ve owned to go on a crying train about where it all went wrong.

Holy crap, I still have this game!?

Back in grade school, I thought this was the second racing game that took actual skill to beat (the first being F-Zero GX) seeing the amount of actions you had to take during a race to ensure victory. Course, by the time I learned all the nuances, I just used power characters and abused their easy shortcuts. Power characters had it easy (or at least Knuckles did). Breaking through everything while maintaining their top speed was a joy.

Playing it now, I realize that there isn’t any real skill involved. It’s actually very petty micromanagement strapped into a racing game. You have to be careful not to use so much air during a race, collect a shit load of rings to carry more air, do several million tricks and character specific actions to gain more air, and hope no one kicks your ass which would cost you all your air. Sonic Riders was a racing game with zero margin for error and almost no accessibility whatsoever, it’s a wonder that I even liked the game back then. Wait, I had a gamecube, I had really shitty taste back then. I even thought Wind Waker was worth anyone’s time…..

Thinking about it now, I started to actually miss some of the improvements in Zero Gravity. Not having to hold down the jump button just to actually “jump” and get bigger air from ramps was one, not having to manage air was another. Luckily, Gamestop sells Wii games at all time lows so hurray $12 games! It’s not everyday that I give a game a second chance (giving Injustice a second chance atm). Trying to think exactly what I did not enjoy about it. After about 4 weeks I got rid of the game, I didn’t even want it in my collection.

Zero Gravity was a sequel of demands and deterrents in itself. It had plenty of improvements like the aforementioned jumping controls, the music is way better, and there aren’t any silly QTE’s mid race like having to spin the control stick to gain air while riding a pulley. Never made much sense to begin with. Not every action you do drains your GP meter like it did for air, and catching rails with speed characters isn’t such a pain in the ass. If anything, Zero Gravity was a more convenient game.

The thing that pissed me off, however, was the changes to how characters and gear worked. Characters no longer had their abilities based on their types (Speed, Fly, Power categories were removed) so everything they could do was entirely gear dependent. Chapped my ass since I usually gave knuckles Grinder shoes so I could have the abilities of smashing things and riding rails. Unfortunately, in this game, that is virtually impossible without the “omnipotence” gear you get. It wasn’t too big of a deal considering that you could play your favorites without worrying if they’ll get decent shortcuts… but then Sega pulled this “gear change” shit.

In Riders 1, you had a leveling system where by collecting rings in acquirements of 20, you could increase the max amount of air you carried as well as gaining access to new attacks. To explain, boosting up someone’s ass allowed you to perform different attacks based on your air level, for example Knuckles would roar at someone, but leveling up would allow him to punch someone.

In this game? No such thing as leveling exists. Instead, you gain access to gear changes that you have to change into mid race. Collecting rings from 20 to 50 to 75 instead of the 20-40-60 for some reason gets you these changes. The problem? The gear’s ability to access short cuts (like rails or flight rings) is tied… to the fucking gear changes. So you can’t really gain any access to these areas until maybe the second lap of the race. It seemed like a really stupid means of “balancing the game” by forcing you to swallow rings before you can access any meaningful short cuts. But this cuts into another issue. Performing gear changes actually depletes your rings, so if you were hasty and performed your first gear change, you’d have a much longer time to collect rings and get to your second and 3rd gear changes. This combined with the fact that if you fall into a pit, you lose all your rings anyway, so that’s an even longer wait. Plus, you still need rings to buy new gear.

What’s this all mean? The micromanagement aspect is STILL present. And if anything, they made it much WORSE in this game by virtue of the gear change system. All of he races in this game become nothing more than mad dashes to collect rings and not much else because that’s the only real “skill” needed to play this game. Every other mechanic was simplified to the point of absurdity that farming rings is the only real goal of the game.

And I mean simplified. You can’t even friggin boost in this game. The one move that most racing games would have for players to quickly catch up with their rivals was strangely removed from ZG. Why? They had to make way for the “gravity boost” and “gravity dive” features. 2 moves that are actually more of a hindrance than a plus. Gravity Boost is basically like drift, however, in that you only really use it to navigate 90 degree sharp ass turns that crop up in every race. And after the super special “beat dropping” dubstep crap is over, you get a really shoddy boost doesn’t even propel you far enough to catch up to anyone. It’s not even viable to exploit. Then you get the Gravity Dives which are… slightly more useful, but in select areas. It starts off like the boosts accept the beat drop moments have a fixed time frame, and you actually do bypass your rivals. You’re really just flying in the air. But… the amount of speed you gain starts to dwindle about half-way and it’s a total bitch to control. It’s not suitable to use this on any part of the road that isn’t straight as your character can only move on-rails. It’s only useful on select parts of the course where you can find large pieces of debris the “slide boost” on. IE if you touch any of these debris, your character gets a sudden boost of speed. And since there’s plenty of debris on the road, you have plenty of boosts at your disposal.

…..Then it hit me. Seeing how gravity boosts and dives are practically used in every race at very specific portions of the course, how your ability to access short cuts was heavily limited, and how there’s no real boost function all led me to one conclusion. Sega took control away from me. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize just how completely scripted the courses felt until I started not giving a shit and played the game more relaxed than usual and noticed that all the gravity dive sections appeared near the end of each lap. This wasn’t a racing game at all. It was Sega’s personal experimentation project with features they never properly ironed out… but felt necessary to force you to experience before gaining access to your precious gear exclusive short cuts. Since most Gear-Cuts take you around the gravity sections of the race often, you would have less incentive to use gravity boosts and dives. And why would you? Gravity boosts are a complete liability that can cost you a race if you so much as fuck up an inch in trying to catch a wall or a sharp corner. Gravity boosts would be nice if you didn’t slow waaaaaaaay down while activating it. This would give opponents the chance to catch up with you and pass you while you’re still trapped in middair. It’s absolutely absurd and moronic for any racing game to force a mechanic on you that actually hinders your ability to stay in the lead. To use gravity boosts without losing your place requires that there be no opponents within 5 miles from your rear. And using gravity boosts to do wall runs is even more risky as those shortcuts don’t really ensure victory either. Gravity Dives would’ve been more useful had the game not make them only functional on straight roads or be purposefully designed to work on one section (and one section only) of a course.

This combined with no actual ability to catch up with your opponents (and having no boosting mechanic either) makes this a racing game that is dependent on sheer… dumb… luck. Yes. You have no real control over how to actually win a race, you just have to pray. Between having to amass several rings to be able to do anything combined with the utterly useless gravity features that Sega tried ever so hard to promote, makes this a game that is damn near unplayable without some yac to go along with the sadness. Now granted, they do have gears that already have Gear-Cut abilities unlocked at the start, which would be fine if they actually performed well in comparison to the default gears the characters are given. All to balance them out, no less. >_>

I initially sold the game due to not having a means of playing catch up, but decided to try and use the “awesome features” the game provided you with this time. Turns out, they don’t fucking work to your advantage. There are zero benefits to using zero gravity. It’s a Nintendo experimentation game masquerading as a racing game, and it shows. The design choices are completely baseless and without reason. More pointless micromanagement than anyone ever needed, and just an overall SLOW racing game in general. It’s just not fun. When you know you’re not in control of a race 100% of the time and you spend more time scavenging for rings than actually competing against other racers, there is no such thing as a fun factor. And to think, they could’ve taken the courses, the music, even the tired story, modified them all and made a regular ass Sonic game where you’re going around kicking meteotech robot ass. People wouldn’t even be kissing Sonic Colors’s ass because the techno-dreamworld Sonic game would’ve been made back in 07. Instead, we got a shallow racer that thinks it’s Sonic Shuffle 2.

*sigh* too bad. It had a sweet ass sound track.

Sooooooooooooo much wasted potential…..

Goddamn, that’s creepy.

I think Borderlands The PreSequel will turn into another BL2 soon enough. Couple of weeks back, there was an announcement of potential nerfs to 2 specific items in the game. A legendary rocket launcher that is literally called “the Thingy”…… and a weapon that was capable of dealing 514% damage (The Rosie). Normally, as farming isn’t my thing and rocket launchers being shit in this series, I could care less about the Thingy’s drop rate being nerfed. However as my experience in this series goes, quest items are usually a lot better in helping to clear out mobs, and I swear that Rosie helped in making Nisha a more powerful character. As such, nerfing the damage on the Rosie pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. BLPS has none of the horrid balance issues that BL2 had at it’s disposal which makes the damage nerf not seem like a huge issue. But when you consider that 3 out of 4 of the present characters all have abilities that make them immortal, you have this one character who is completely dependent on a cheap Action Skill to do anything. I find the best weapons for her are beams, and the Rosie was a god send in TVHM. To find her best weapon is nerfed for no exact reason is frustrating. Most would ponder that because of UVHM’s new release, the Rosie would provide an unfair advantage. This ignoring the fact that everyone and their momma is claiming that UVHM is piss easy anyway, the nerf itself was just an unnecessary action.

This reminds me of the situation back in BL2 where by the Bee shield was nerfed along with a weapon known as the Conference Call. In a game where the enemies were literally bullet sponges, the nerf came as a shock and appalled MANY of the game’s fans. It’s odd to see how little people actually defended such a move. An explanation could be given that the Bee shield and Conference Call combo gave people too much of an advantage over enemies… which, if you’ve been following, is actually fair game considering how cock-smashingly HARD the enemies are to kill in the first damn place. That and this isn’t some PvP series either, whatever method you could use to defeat enemies was fair game. To nerf an advantage like the Bee shield/Conference Call combo was to dictate how the consumers should play the game.

And unfortunately, Gearbox is starting to creep that asinine behavior into PreSequel, but with even more obnoxious changes. The controversy over the nerfing of the Thingy legendary was a tipping point. You see, for the pathetic dregs that even bother to farm legendaries, PreSequel is a crappy game for them. Bosses and unique enemies are pretty rare in this game which meant the chances for finding legendaries is very low. Most farmable legendaries come from bosses you can only fight once. But… there was another option. This game presents the grinder, a machine that allows you to feed 3 weapons into it to possibly get something better. The grinder was the ONLY way to get legendaries. But the catch is you needed to put legendaries into the machine to get legendaries, which is pretty trollish of Gearbox. But a stroke of luck appeared when a boss named Iwajira had a pretty generous drop rate for the Thingy. While the drops were low enough, they were still pretty decent that you’d find a legendary weapon more often than not, which is pretty good given the circumstances of farmable bosses being severely lower than ever before. People used the thingies to produce the legendaries they could’ve gotten from the 1-time bosses, making everyone’s life… a little easier.

BUT LO AND BEHOLD! Gearbox, sitting on their high pirches with their staffs in hand, sends down a bolt of lightning, to slash the drop rates of the Thingy indefinitely as they figure the drops were too generous! This became a (rather short lived) catalyst for the rage of the fans as they stormed youtube and twitter to express their HATRED! And Pitchford fired back at the fans. It was a warzone.

Says it all. I’ve never even heard of this shooting star and am pissed at the prospect of not getting to use something awesome.

I’m not gonna sit here and express grief at the admittedly foolish behavior on twitter by many fans because… I feel that their anger is quite justified. Why? Gearbox had the nutz to actually respond to fans on these changes…. and their reasoning reeks of bullshit.

The Rosie
One of the team’s core design philosophies for Borderlands is choice and that there shouldn’t be one “right” way to play the game. Since The Rosie was a super powerful, super accessible mission reward, it was having a negative impact on choice in terms of load out variety — the majority of recommended builds out there included The Rosie as a first, or top, choice.

As a mission reward, we wanted to keep The Rosie as a powerful weapon and viable choice, but bring it closer to level as other weapons to encourage diversity in play styles and character builds.

So… basically they took the Smash Bros. Brawl route of creating diversity… by making things worse by design?! That’s not creating choice at all, that’s removing choice. Now the Rosie… is still powerful as shit, most powerful laser in the game (and lasers are overpowered enough as it is) which begs the question still… as to why they nerf the weapon. If they wanted to create choice, they should’ve created other weapons of similar or of higher calibur. THAT is creating choice. Not making one of the most powerful if not the most powerful weapon in the game….. slightly less so.

This is a euphemism for the team basically saying “we made all these features, yet you ONLY use this one!? FUCK THAT! I WORKED HARD ON THIS SHIT! And as GOD is my witness, you fucking WILL use every resource I pulled into this bitch! No ands, ifs and buts about it!” This is the creator playing God and/or dictator trying to force the players to play the game a certain way. This is the slippery slope of when a developer will become Nintendo in regards to game design philosophy.

Miss Moxxi’s Probe
The Probe is a mission weapon that was intended to be a temporary, not permanent, part of a player’s arsenal. Creative players quickly found a way to utilize the Probe in ways that once again nullified the idea of choice — essentially creating no need to use certain defensive or healing skills and an entire category of grenades (transfusion). The team’s goal here was once again to encourage diverse play styles.

This whole statement reeks of bullshit. If he had said “Using the probe outside of the mission is an unintended exploit”, that would honestly be a much more acceptable answer. But again, they harp on about “choice” as if that was actually the main issue. Players that were clever managed to utilize an in-game mechanic for their own benefit. But overall isn’t completely harmful to anyone’s experience.

Iwajira Drop Rates
From what I’ve heard so far, the team discovered an issue with Iwajira’s drop rate while testing possible future events. Due to the nature of that testing, I can’t reveal too much quite yet in case things change, but it seems to be an unfortunately necessary fix for some of the events the team has in the works.

Horrry sheeeet! A non-answer!? The one thing that people were really pissed off about and no one gets a real answer. We get “well, we have some incredibly vague event planned in the future that we will openly refuse to give details on, so we had to nerf the drop rates of a shitty legendary for no good reason!” That isn’t a response at all. It is a blanket statement that satisfies no  one’s curiosity and rage. An event could be anything from the holodome (which was revealed to be a waste of time anyway) or even a potential campaign DLC. But.. we’ll never truly know because nothing in relation to the drop rate nerf has come up as of yet.

You know why people are really pissed off, though? It’s not that these nerfs destroy the entire fabric of the game. No no. It’s just the tipping point of people’s patience.

Before the game released, there were statements by the company that this game wasn’t worth $60, leading to rumors that the game would be reasonably priced around $30. Considering how truly short the game is, $30 seems very fair. But it launched at $60 off the bat. That pissed people off.

Playing the game all the way through, while it is more enjoyable than 2 IMO, it also lacks in replay value. There aren’t many shopping list missions in the game, not many secret areas to explore, and only has  secret bosses that are easy to kill. As the above video said, there is virtually no such thing as an “endgame. No respawnable bosses to farm. People quickly got bored of it. Me included.

The game is not properly tested for bugs and glitches. Considering that EVERY version of the game has a bug that prevents people from finishing TVHM in some way shows there was no QA testing whatsoever. There are bugs with player skills and inventory of loot randomly com-busting at certain times. Random instances of missions not registering properly when you complete objectives. These issues have yet to be fixed.

There are instances of deceitful advertising of DLC’s. On the PSN store, I’ve noticed that different DLC’s are categorized by types. Character DLC’s are usually listed as “characters”. Not “add-ons”. The Handsome Jack DLC being listed as “add on” gives people the impression that it is more than just an extra character to play as. And at $10 a pop, you’d expect more than just a character. People felt gipped upon loading up the DLC to find that it was nothing bigger than just an on-disc DLC. Character DLC’s I’ve seen don’t usually go higher than 5 dollars. Borderlands is probably the only series I’ve seen where the characters are severely over-priced. Not only that, but people were disappointed by the Season Passes (take that, idiots) not containing anything of worth.

People playing the PreSequel are STARVING for content because the game is fucking barren. And many can’t even finish a second playthrough due to game stopping bugs that shouldn’t even exist.

Yet… the very few enjoyable instances of the game that people could, farming for thingies and grinding them up, whoopin ass with Rosie, the like….. Gearbox sees fit to strip THOSE things away. For incredibly vague and asinine reasons such as “choice”. What choice do we have now that the fun parts are being reduced to ash!? You can’t reset playthroughs, you can’t really farm, there are no real secrets in the game, and it’s entirely too short. It is by and large the laziest installment thus far. And as of right now, Gearbox is ok with this. Using the raging stupidity on twitter to probably justify why they shouldn’t care about what the fans want so they can go and make some shitty MOBA shooter (the fuck does MOBA even mean?) called Battleborn. People are now claiming that Gearbox is deliberately trying to kill this game off just to work on Battleborn. Seeing how they’re behaving with these random and baseless changes, it’s not difficult to imagine that.

GBX president Randy Pitchford once stated that a lot of elements were put into BL2 to purposefully “troll the players”. This goes beyond trolling and is doing nothing more than burning bridges with consumers.

Maybe I should take that guy’s suggestion and go back to talking about older Sonic games. Grieving about Boom got boring quickly. 😛

In an interview.

“I like to create gameplay mechanics more than I do stories. The story might not be too different from past “Star Fox” games, but the gameplay mechanics are going to feel very different because of the two-screen system of the Wii U with the GamePad and TV screen. It’ll make for a very fun and unique way to play.”

And that is exactly what has been wrong with Star Fox since Adventures. I don’t get this guy’s deal with stories in video games being some irrelevant concept that only few would care for. As if the Zelda series would be anything more without a decently compelling narrative.

Miyamoto is like some 50+ year old teenager who wants to rebel against the trends or the world in some misguided attempt to be counter-culture. A story in a video game might not be a necessity if NSMBW and Mario Kart sales are anything to go by, but Miyamoto goes beyond story by ignoring content completely. This was the excuse he used to justify the existence of Sticker Star, a game with a concept so blazingly retarded that you’d have to be autistic to find any real enjoyment out of it.

But in regards to Star Fox? The last thing it needs is “new gameplay”. Nintendo has been able to revitalize Super Mario Brothers, Mario Kart, Kirby (I guess?) and  (as much as it PAINS me to admit it) Donkey Kong Country by going back to their “roots”. What makes Star Fox so special that you can’t give it that same benefit? The only thing people fucking want out of Star Fox is what we had in the first 2 games. Pure arcade dog fighting bliss. But for some reason, Nintendo and Miyamoto don’t see fit to give us something so simple. Instead, to satisfy Miyamoto’s idiotic mechanics obsession, they have to ruin Star Fox even further than before. It sounds like they’re just going to remake the first 2 games with fucked up controls at this point.

I’ve played my fair share of science fiction games, and many of them have “Star Fox esq” levels. Sin and Punishment is a good Star Fox substitute. Asura’s Wrath (piece of shit) has several Star Fox esq. levels. Hell, even Ratchet and Clank provides more Star Fox action than Star Fox itself. You know what they all do? They try no funny business and stick to what is actually fun. Blasting enemies in space. Nintendo’s (or Miyamoto’s) problem is they continue to believe that Houdini control schemes make games revolutionary and by that vurtue, simply awesome. The Wii’s motion controls only made certain games more convenient to play by reducing the amount of buttons you had to press (fucking racing games are awesome on Wii). No one even jokes about the Wii’s “innovations” actually redefining games and making them all the better for it.

The only thing Star Fox needs is better content. Hell, it needs BETTER WRITERS. Getting away from the space drama trash of Assault and Command is the best step to recovery, but they don’t see that. They just see “oh, no one cared about Super Paper Mario’s story!? STORY IS NO LONGER IMPORTANT!”. It’s an incredible feat when a company’s behavior in response to video games matches the behavior of Sonic fans, never looking beyond the surface of what they see.

I believe people are well passed the point of patience when it comes to Nintendo’s treatment of anything that isn’t Mario or Zelda. This nonsense about how the Wii U controller will make Star Fox magically delicious is doing nothing but salting the wounds.

WHITE MALE SIMULATOR 2015
The game all white males have been waiting for. The game where you can feel like Eric Harris from the Columbine High School massacre. The game where you can kill innocents for enjoyment. The game where you are, by definition, a thug, but you won’t be called a thug because you are white. The game where you are literally a terrorist, but you won’t be called a terrorist because you are white. The game that Epic Games, the creators of the ubiquitous Unreal Engine, wants out of. The only objective: kill civilians. Killing civilians is the epitome of fun AND gaming. This game is edgy as fuck. Are you an edgy cunt and a lonely white male? Of course you are. That’s why you are strongly considering buying this game with the money you reserved for those promising penis enlargement pills you saw on that dangerously rough porn video you like to watch because you’re a disgusting cunt.

These youtube comments crack me up.

Why does this feel like some teenager looked at the controversies of GTA, Postal, Mortal Kombat, etc. and say “WOW! I WANNA BE JUST LIKE THOSE GUYS AND TOTALLY PISS OFF SOCCER MOMS!”

Wannabe controversy seems to be this game’s goal. Only problem is at this point, the game is about 15 years too late on the Jack Thompson bait. And a tad sour on the writing. Anyone diggin the gay ass speech at the beginning? It’s like they tried to make it “deep and bad ass” like every other trailer featuring a guy’s crusade against the world for taking something away from him… or some shit.

I’m still trying to decipher why developers feel the need to advertise their game engines, nevertheless use it for a game that’s goddamn monochrome! The last 3 games I bought all have the “Powered by Unreal Engine” logo like I give a rats ass. All but 1 of them suck, potentially less than this game will. You know what game has what Hatred has but is 20 times more awesome?

Not the first game I’d run to to scream “BLACK POWAH”, but the concept is the same. Except you have super powers! And the people who’s glorious asses you whoop actually like to talk shit, making that ass whoopin ever so sweet! You could drop in on some punk bitch who goes “Yo step off man or I’ma beat yo ass!”, and then you bitch slap him into red mist, and his peers cower in fear and run away, then you do a slow walk and be like “fuck with me, I’ll detonate your skull with one well-timed squat thrust!!” Damn I love this game! Shame the devs went under after this one (probably cause the main character is a you know what). Ain’t some random nice people just minding their business, these are assholes thinking they hot shit!

Can “Hatred” turn your arm into the Morning Star Vampire Killer!? I didn’t think so! Hatred is probably the dumbest fucking game to ever be developed. Only because the concept is so dry and tired, uninspired, shallow, and is just looking for attention. The title sucks more than the game and is shamelessly cashing in on some of the recent vigilante shootings going on in America and abroad.

Seriously though, it’s amazing how many people were upset over this game and how people started over analyzing themselves and their actions in other similar video games and I just thought… “what if this game was made for the gamers that over-analyze petty shit in video games?”

You know who I’m talking about. The kinds of nerdy people that are attracted to moral ambiguity as if that is the only kind of fax-intellectual stimulation you can gain out of any medium of entertainment. The amount of articles and blogs that people write about the themes of games like Metal Gear Solid, Borderlands, (in regards to Handsome Jack), Max Payne, Batman and the Joker, looking for their 15 minutes of fame to show off how pretentious they can be in analyzing  shit in games no one cares about? Hatred was really made for them.

Many of these articles are found oozing about how everything they do in Hatred is the exact same thing they do in other games (like the aforementioned Prototype 2). Then they go back and forth about “context and depictions of violence” and debating whether or not you really need an “excuse” to kick ass. Or who’s ass you’re kicking.

The issue that people should really spend more time debating about this game is whether or not it’s a misguided attempt at generating controversy or some half-assed political statement about the state of the industry. Reading all these articles and interviews, I’m getting a mixed message that this was a dev team wanting to troll the “gaming communities at large”, but on the other hand, they wax poetic about the industry becoming too P.C. and how all of your victims are killed equally regardless of race, or how video games where you kill many of your victims makes you a hypocrite by default.

“You kill, torture, dominate, humiliate and sin without consequences, but game designers always offer a thin veil of an excuse.”

Course, most games I played where I killed millions of enemies usually had the consequence of them attacking me en masse, but I digress. The developers are tackling an issue that doesn’t exist, especially with shit like Mortal Kombat X on the horizon. Either that or they played the Presequel and got really pissed off at Anthony Burch talking about how “Friend zones” are misogynistic. And if that’s the case, then hell I ain’t mad at em! Should’ve made a murder simulator featuring devs and pubs that overcharge for a fucking character DLC, nerf pretty good gear for no reason, and practically refuse to offer an actual patch for existing bugs and glitches in the game! All that aside, what we’re left with is a game that should never have been controversial in the first place, and probably got some leverage due to the mass shootings that sprung up from 2011 onward.

…..Dammit, now I want a Prototype 3, and I haven’t even played the first game.

Diary of a snow shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. 2006
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: 2006
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: 2006
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: 2006
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 2006
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: 2006
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: 2006
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: 2006
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: 2006
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: 2006
Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24: 2006
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: 2006
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: 2006
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: 2006
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: 2006
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 2006
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: 2006
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: 2006
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: 2007
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Read more at http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/snowdiary.asp#VQXH1WgOD6CGsH11.99