Switch Off!!

Wanna watch something funny? Check this French dude clowning the Nintendo Switch.

“Why I gave up on Mario”

This was originally a request or suggestion by a Spengebab. I dont normally do requests, I honestly had no intention of making a post about it. Its nothing personal, I’ve become something of a lazy bastard after being… out of it for 2 years. But… fuck it. I’ve got nothing better to write about atm, the Nintendo Switch bores me, and I already talked about why Sonic Mania is pissing me off. Plus, I felt like I lied. Im not waiting on any decent Mario game, I’m tired of waiting for Nintendo to get their acts together. I had to wait 1 whole generation to get a new Star Fox game and they fucked it up so badly, there’s no point in waiting. Why, for what? What does Mario offer that I cant find in other franchises? Puzzles and retarded costumes, please. This franchise had all the potential to be something really kickass, but Kirby is edgier than Mario. Its a goddamn shame.

 The last Mario game I  bothered playing was that all-stars collection on Wii. I got Bored of it in less than 2 minutes. I think… I never gave a shit about Mario. Out of all the old games I go back back to play, the Mario games aren’t really a part of them. Probably because NSMBW suffices as a decent replacement. And it has coop, so that’s a plus.

My only real interest in Mario started with Mario 64 for the same reason everyone else was digging it. That fucking 3D. Never before seen (except with Virtua Fighter and Star Fox) and we all lost our shit. Its like “holy shit I’m playing a 3D video game!” I didnt give a fuck that it was a glorified fetch quest, that it was missing the fireball powerups, that it had puzzles, it was 3D, I was a kid, didnt matter. 

I didnt care about the lore, about its universe, anything. I was exposed to real shit before 96. Mario in its entirety was not a content heavy series, it relied entirely on being a competently designed game. Before Donkey Kong, you had publishers trying to screw people over (kinda like now actually) and that’s a big part of Mario’s success. And its kinda symbolic in a way. Mario is the avatar of the working class (he’s a plumber, carpenter, doctor etc who gets to escape from reality and  be a hero, save princesses and whatnot.) and its this avatar who rises up to the shitlord corporations and paves the way to… entertainment or some shit… idk. 

My first video game was in fact SMB1 on the NES,  but I was a toddler so I didnt even know how to hold the damn controller. I didnt even know what I was playing until years later! Then we had SMB2 and then SMB3.  We also had something called Spy vs Spy. I dont remember it to well. But yeah, all we had were Mario games cause that’s all my folks would buy. I was a baby, I couldn’t want anything else. By the time I knew what those games were, my dog bit the cable and broke the NES so I couldn’t play Mario again.

I watched all the cartoons where Mario had a man’s voice and an actual personality. Shit I thought Mario was a bad ass, then years later I see him wearing cloud costumes in Galazy 2, you might as well call it an oversized tutu. And no, I cant stand Charles Matinet’s voice. Mario’s Brooklyn accent and personality appealed to me more. See, Nintendo could’ve rolled with that, but he was based on an Italian so give him that fruity, eccentric, pedophile accent. Nobody gave a fuck that Mario was italian, all anyone knew was that he was a white guy who could jump high. You know Kano from Mortal Kombat? He was supposed to be Japanese,  but everyone loved his Australian portrayal in the movies, Midway rolled with that. I dont even know why I brought that up,  I just hate his voice so much.

My first favorite game was at the arcade, it was Galaga. You couldn’t get me off that damn game. Everyone was playing Pac-Man, my entire family’s a bunch of Pac-Man addicts, Im like “fuck Pac-Man, I wanna play Galaga!” I owe my sci-fi and shmup obsession to Galaga. You’re in a spaceship fighting alien bugs, it was awesome. Tell me, do any of the new Mario’s have a powerup system whereby you sacrifice a life to a tractor beam bug and then you shoot that asshole to get your ship back with twice the fire power?  No? Then I couldn’t give a fuck about new Mario. Galaga was a beast. A suitable risk and reward system all in 1 enemy, what do I need new Mario games for?

Then, I had a Genesis growing up. Sonic, man. I forgot Mario existed. Everybody was a Sonic freak. Streets of Rage, Gunstar, hell even Mickey’s Great Circus Mystery was fun. Those years I embraced coop. It was always more fun if you could tackle a game together with someone else. The experience just felt more organic, if that makes sense. What kind of coop did Mario have? You still had to take turns!? In Mario World!?  What is that shit, that‘s archaic design! You had real coop in the old Mario Bros. game! In Wrecking Crew even!

Back then, I was laughing at Mario games for being outdated. Oh World had Yoshi,  but what else? Donut Plains!? I laughed because now Mario levels were being named after food. Sonic had real shit like Chemical Plant and Metallic Madness. You’ve got Yogurt mountain or some shit! (You can imagine my disgust at Sweet Mountain from Sonic Colors. Its like some dreaded karma or whatnot). Sonic worlds were more vivid and out there, Mario stayed in lollipop wonderland for no reason.

Sonic 3’s opening level was a lush jungle, then all of sudden out of nowhere, it gets carpet bombed and turned into a war-torn hellscape. It was amazing. Sonic 3 stepped its game up in terms of mechanics, powerups and presentation. The sequel to Mario World? A children‘s coloring book!!! A chi-…*sigh*. 

Mario sucked on SNES. The whole World series was shit. Sonic 3K was 20x shorter than World and World 2 but satisfies on so many levels. Its not as good as Sonic 2, but it had appeal! Mario wasn’t selling Super Nintendo, mother fuckers needed Capcom’s help with Street Fighter! You have to sell consoles, Sonic took all your market, and you had to rely on outside help to get your shit back together. We were just laughing at this shit. A “Mario fan” didnt exist in grade school, they were virtually extinct. 

And then Mario 64 happened.

 I saw this shit at a kiosk at a Blockbuster (a place where you could rent movies and games for 3-5 days) and it messed me up. I didn’t know what the fuck it was. It was Mario, Mario was shitty and unappealing, but this game was all weird and interesting. I was what… 8years old? I had never seen shit like this, it was crazy! I didnt understand that cunt of a controller either. Im thinking the D-Pad makes you move, but it did nothing. I had to use that buttplug of a control stick to move. I left Blockbuster thinking non-stop about that game. It didnt help that my Genesis broke a year earlier so I had no games to play. 

I eventually got the n64 that Christmas (It STILL works!!) And I got the Mario game. It was cool for reasons other than the 3D. No one talks about this but Mario had learned kung fu! He could throw punches, kicks, flip off walls, hell Mario could parkour before it became cool! And the powerups were awesome too. Metal Cap theme song is still bitchin! It actually upped the ante on what Mario could do. I didn’t give a shit that 64 was a glorified fetch quest, He was a goddamn acrobat! Its kinda sad in way. People only know 64 as the game that kickstarted the shit show of 3D, but it was more than that. It had a completely different feel and atmosphere from previous Mario games, and the worlds were so much better. Big Boo’s Haunting Lodge is the scariest Mario level ever! That shit gave me goosebumps! The music, the eerie sounds, that shit was so awesome! !

Then we played Mario kart,  I think this was the only Kart I liked. And its all because of Toad‘s Turnpike. Hands down the best damn level in Mario Kart history. Instead of some pussy level set in some magical environment or w/e, we take this shit to the streets! Toad’s Turnpike was a fantastic level. It was unique, had a killer theme song, and it was set in the real world, an actual highway. Easily distinguishable from everything else the game had. Even the battle arenas had shit like a skyscraper,  looked like you were in a city of some sort. 

Its not like these days where Mario Kart levels had to be 100% “Mariotized”. There really isnt anything in those damn courses. Why in Mario Kart Wii is the highway level so underwhelming?  Toad’s Turnpike looked like an actual highway with real cars, this Wii shit was too cartoony for my tastes. You have no unique levels like Toad’s Turnpike, everything is wacky mushroom kingdom shit or DK’s Jungle. And at least Kart 64 had good music, I cant remember a single tune from Kart Wii.

I played Mario Party 1-3, I hated all of them. It felt like Nintendo was just going backwards to everything that sucked about Mario World, the shitty cartoon wacky music and visuals, blah. By now I had played Star Fox 64, I was high on that shit for years. It was Galaga in 3D to me. I had less patience with Mario after Star Fox. I played Mario Tennis, that was pretty fun. Paper Mario ironically brought me back to Mario. For once I actually gave a shit about the lore of this franchise. And that spooky ass forest and that tubba blubba chase, I’ll never forget those moments. For an RPG, it did more to make Mario an interesting series. Idk, Mario felt more… grown up in this era if that makes sense. 

Especially in regards to Paper Mario, the first 2 games the wafer thin graphics was merely an aesthetic choice, it wasn’t the main point of the fucking game. Now you got dumb shit like Sticker Star or Color Splash that’s all about the damn aesthetic style and how they can be manipulated with scissors or paint. The aesthetic choice is now the point of this series! What is that shit, who wanted Mario to be about Stickers!? Make a Mario Paint game with that bullshit,  dont shove it into an RPG and force a story around that. It doesnt work. You’re gonna be wondering why I keep bitchin about the Mushroom Kingdom,  its cause these dumbass have nothing better to do than to make a festival centered around fucking stickers! How anyone can dare to say Sonic sucks compared to that retarded shit right there, I will never know. Mushroom Kingdom deserves to get fucked by Bowser. I know some of you are probably thinking “well thats the mushroom kingdom, its a world based around rules that make no sense” thats pretentious nonsense. Its called the Mushroom Kingdom cause the residents are mushroom headed midgets. What does any of that have to do with stickers or paint? 

I played SMB deluxe on the GBC, it was ok but I loved SMB2 the most, and eventually I got that on GBA so there’s that.

But then that horrible.. HORRIBLE Sunshine game happened. I didnt think they would do anything dumber than Luigi’s Mansion. At least that had a decent theme song. You already know why Sunshit was so bad. You had to clean up vandalism? I dont think so. It got rid of everything that made 64 cool. The unique worlds, the good music,  the kung fu moves, all in exchange for a goddamn water gun and resort themed levels. They took out so much awesome content for a mere shadow of 64.

I stopped caring about Mario again after that because there were so many Mario games coming out that looked like wacky cartoon bullshit. Mario Power Tennis ruined the Tennis series for me with those broken power shots. I didnt care about Double Dash or Thousand Year Door, I played Soul Calibur 2 for the first time, Sophitia’s boobs triumphed over w/e redundant sequel they put out. Mario 64 had interesting worlds and enemies at least, Sunshine was some Mariotized shit show with freakish locals and stupid objectives.

I had high hopes for Mario vs Donkey Kong cause hey, we’re getting out of that faggy ass Mushroom Kingdom and we’d be back in Brooklyn, or industrial environment. Sadly it was a puzzle game. The tabloids for this shit read “its been years since Mario fought Donkey Kong UNTIL NOW!!” Who gives a fuck? They fought in Smash Bros Melee. I dont care about a match up like this. Its slow and boring as shit. 

And Mario Galaxy. You know, I dont care about Galaxy 1 bit but I will give it this. Its the last Mario game that tried something… original, I guess. But most Mario fans haven’t seen enough games if they’re praising the story. Fuck the story, Sonic Adventure 2 ended with a noble sacrifice,  that shit left an impression on fans. People talk more about Sonic these days than Mario because at the end of the day, Galaxy’s story isnt worth shit. Mario’s universe isnt worth shit. People want Sonic to  be great again because it has an interesting universe. Mario has nothing. 

Shit, a guy from my job is a big nintendo fan. All his family could afford was the game boy. So all his life, all he had was Nintendo. Wouldn’t even touch PSP.  Literally sticks by Nintendo because that’s what he knows best. He dont give a fuck about Mario! Never comes up in the convo. Mario 3D land, you’d think he doesnt know it exists!

Everyone tries to convince me that Galaxy is worth a damn, but I dont want it. By the time I got a Wii (2011) I had NSMBW. Before then, I was a Nintard. Not for the same reasons that everyone else was, mind you, but because of Star Fox, F-Zero, Custom Robo, that kind of shit. But NSMBW. Kirby Return to Dreamland? Those games messed me up. I never realized how long its been since I played a coop game like this. Im talking since 1994 its been that damn long! And this was the first Mario game I knew of at the time with real tangible coop! Before we had some retarded shit where you take turns after 1 player dies. Here? They actually learned something!

And you cant really enjoy NSMBW without coop, to be honest. Otherwise, its an empty husk of the original 4 2D Mario Games. I can go back and enjoy the Kirby game and even the Rayman games solo. But you need coop to enjoy NSMBW.  That’s what the game was built for, they redesigned the levels several times to make sure it was multiplayer friendly. Wish I got that attention to detail from DKCR.

The 3D Land/World games are beyond unappealing. Its like the most passive aggressive games Nintendo ever made. You cant expect people to choose those faggot ass cat suits over penguin suits. We didnt care about the frog suits or raccoon suits because they weren’t in your face about it. They were secret powerups! You got some paw print or tail or w/e on the damn title and in the trailers like that is supposed to sell people on a 3D Mario game, this middle-aged man looks like a pedophile in that shit.

Now Mario’s just another franchise from the 80’s that’s become self-indulgent with its own vanity. All of these sequels if you wanna call em those… they’re just empty, shallow “intricate showcases” of the developer’s own ego. Fuck having unique content, lets craft all of the levels like one big puzzle and call it innovative even though we’ve been doing this shit since 96. 

Goddamn, I have no idea what people see in Mario games to the extent that they keep trolling Sonic fans over popularity contests. If you ask me they’re just compensating for Mario’s lack of appeal. See, Nintendo fans are always trying to compensate for the fact that Nintendo games are really terrible bores. Say something negative about 3DS and they immediately jumped on Vita like that was ever a threat. They hated being trolled on by Sony Crusaders back from 2 generations and after some short lived success, they’ve become their own worst enemy. Not one of them could tell me what makes Mario Galaxy 2 better than Galaga or even Sonic Unleashed other than some sales charts but they jump you for dissing the Galaxy series for being retarded. Bee costumes!? No, just… no. Why cant Sonic be like Mario? cause it wasnt made for pussies with no taste. There is nothing cool about powerups that are only used to solve puzzles, or look like shit. You have a Bee costume… in Space. Does that make any fucking sense!? Its stupid as hell! Content that makes sense? Whats that!? Back in 64, you could turn into mother fucking Colossus. Now you have retarded ass cat suits because this franchise is targeting pussies.

What does Mario provide anymore? Nostalgia gimmicks, I dont want that mess. These games are so phoned in now, I can just hear Miyamoto at a meeting saying “I want a check!” Im so sick and tired of the unwarranted praise the Mario series gets. Its only claim to fame was in the 80s and in 96. Otherwise, its just bubblegum happy bullshit gimmick land for all time. Not 1 game since 64 has been worth shit. Then fanboys want to spit some nonsense about the greatness of the Mario RPGs knowing damn well that after Paper Mario, they dont leave any real impression on people, least of all sticker Star. Color Splash!? The name tells you all of its sucktitude right there. 2 Mario RPGs and that shit is dead.

The Mario franchise is a wasteful investment. There’s so many unfulfilling games in this series alone, it became its own shovelware category. Its easy to give up on this franchise when there’s nothing to look forward to. Hell I gave up back in 2002 with cunt ass Sunshine. The actual cartoons were better than this imitation of a cartoon series. Mario with a Brooklyn accent is way more bad ass than Charles’s eccentric ass voice. 

I think people just latch onto Mario for the whole “its different” argument,  and I’d probably buy that. Every goddamn game is an rpg nowadays, I’d be surprised if that wasn’t the case. But then you’re only justifying crackpot games with no lasting value whatsoever. What Mario game since 64 had a world you couldnt forget? What was your Big Boo Haunting Lodge? 64 was a kickass game, all things considered. The worlds weren’t Mariotized bullshit, they were strange and bizarre. Enigmatic is a good word. You could step into the very depths of hell even! You dont get that with new games, its all baby shit now. Cat suits!? Fuck that retarded shit, man. I hate it, I cant stand it. I wanted better levels, not furry cunt ass costumes. 

But gameplay is all that matters!? Fuck these people, what gameplay did Mario offer that was so great and addictive that they decided to stop using puzzles for their 3D games and started infusing NSMB platforming into it? Cause thats all Mario games have been from 96 to 2009. Shitty puzzle games and sports spinoffs with bad AI. Only reason Nintendo fans latched onto that argument is because Nintendo didnt have shit else at the time. Online? They were dissing it until DS dropped with it. As soon as Mario starts running at super speed or fires a gun, it’ll be cool too. Goddamn hypocrites.

The Mario series is a mess of shallow rehashed content. Every game looks like the same childish BS we played years ago on GameCube. Mario has no new worlds. It’s just revisiting the same asinine worlds from the mushroom kingdom or variation of it. This series lacks imagination. It lacks the testicular fortitude to scare the piss out of you. It refuses to engage you on any level other than a child’s naivete. Lets reuse The same assets for 6 more games instead of making brand new worlds that would blow your mind. Mario is a joke. Plain and simple.

Oh and before anyone says “How do you like Kirby for the same reasons you ha-” first off, fuck you if you even had that thought. It’s not the same goddamn thing. Kirby is all cute and cuddly and shit because he’s designed that way. And dont recall any of his hats looking out of place. Everything about Kirby feels appropriate to its franchise. And in just about every Kirby game, he’s always kicking ass. the games, as they continued, would always give him new, improved, or better powers for the primary sake of destroying his enemies, at least until recently with Triple Deluxe where they turned Kirby into a hardware gimmick of a fetch quest. Either way, I expect Kirby to be childish. Thats how he looks. 

And you got Mario in a cat suit. Its stupid. Its so fucking stupid, what for!? You have grown ass men in cat pajamas. Who asked for that!? Did any of you mutha fuckas want Mario to be a retarded Cat Man!? If its one thing I dont expect from Mario AFTER 64, its Japanese eccentricity. Mario is eccentric and gay now. You might as well call him fucking Tingle,  he’s that retarded. I dont know anyone who grew up playing mario saying they want Mario to play dress up for a kid’s school play. I gave up on Mario cause he won‘t grow the fuck up. If he was a wizard or w/e, then ok. But he’s a plumber, a symbol of the working class, the kinds ofb people who WOULD play videogames and you got him wearing cat shit….

Im sick and tired of this blind worship for a franchise this bland and uninspired simply because it kicked ass in the 80s. Its stuck in the past reusing the same wonderland shit since SMB1. Why cant we get worlds that resemble the original Mario Bros. or Wrecking Crew even? 64 looked less like the Mushroom Kingdom and more like its own universe. But no, we have to do Nostalgia pandering with shitty aesthetics and music that appeal to no one.

There are a lot movies where a main character hates his or her life, who is suddenly whisked away into a fantasy world where they feel more appreciated and happy, but eventually they realized that they cant stay in this world,  they have to back and face reality, grow up and all that jazz. There’s a metaphor for that in this series.Like Mario chose the wrong option and stayed in Wonderland. Wasnt there a Mario anime like this? I could’ve sworn there was, with Mario playing his game and that shit came to life, it was a helluva lot better than what we get now.

I also hate how Nintendo forced 3rd parties to inject Mario symbolism into their games. It was disgusting and humiliating. How would you feel if you’re trying to broaden your market and this shit lord of a company tells you “no, unless you dress Heihachi up like Mario to promote us as a company”. How do retarded Mario costumes make Tekken a better game!? Fuck this company, its just as bad if not worse than that seal of quality back in the day.

At least Sonic comes up in a conversation. No one is talking about Mario. Period.

Nintendo Switch

Hmm…

On the one hand, HOLY NUT BALLS THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME! !!

On the other, HARDWARE HARDWARE HARDWARE!!!

On the foot, That controller looks cumbersome as fuck. And something is missing, I can’t quite put my finger on itHELLO THE FUCKING D-pad IS MISSING!! Naw,  I mean the real D-Pad. Not that N64 C-Button shit they got going on. For that local play function, you’re reduced to using the sticks which chaps my ass to no end, especially since that fugly “Pro” controller emphasizes the sticks in the dominant thumb position again. Its like Nintendo wants to phase out the D-Pad for the future.

Also for that 2play, I dont like how the buttons and sticks are positioned. 1 Joycon side has buttons in the middle of the controller, while the other has the stick in the center. Does that make sense from a design point? I can just see both players having to over-extend 1 thumb just to play anything properly. Unless the Joycons are super tiny.

The Wiimote is still the best damn Nintendo controller out there!

And more importantly,  are the games gonna be good? You cant keep relying on R.O.B. tactics to sell your consoles. And yes I know the amibos salvaged the Pii U, but even you Nintendo fans have to be sick of sub-par Nintendo games. I honestly believe the Pii U years were Nintendo’s absolute worst offerings. Everything they put for both Pii U and 3DS were just plain terrible and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. They even managed to fuck up Pokemon and Kirby…
My only complaints so far are the shit controllers, but this is some slick tech they made here!

Because the Sex is all that matters (Dragon’s Crown)

What is a distraction?  That which takes the focus away from something important,  and grafts that focus onto nonsense that has nothing to do with what realky matters. What could be more distracting than a piece of ass?

Videogame controversy is a never-ending cycle of political ass-wankery that spawns the worst in all gaming communities. Ever since Mortal Kombat, it seems that just anybody has a bone to pick with the digital world. Of course these days, violence is no longer a concern as a new generation of parents feel that gore is kid friendly & doesn’t seem bothered by dismemberment. Instead of that, we now look towards what makes the center of our pants tickle with joy.

For those who remember,  back in 2013 or before,  there was controversy over the artwork of a character known as the “Sorceress”. A selectable class in the game Dragon’s Crown. Chris Rock was wrong. Nobody likes a big tittied woman anymore.

Strangely enough, as perverted as I am, I actually despise this character! Believe it or not, Sex appeal actually requires some level of class to pull off. And the piece above is beyond tasteless. Lets examine. We have this wannabe Jessica Rabbit in what could be an implausible stance to pose in with a skeleton’s head mashed into her tats. But that’s not what bothers me. Peep the position of her staff. Not only is it probing her ass, but look at the bottom of the staff in relation to the skeleton and guess what you see. If you thought “woody” or “boner”, congrats!

When did this go from sex appeal to pornographic imagery? 

And frankly, that’s all her character amounts to. The characters aren’t really characters per say, they’re more like empty shells that you just play with. S-… so when you get to the Sorceress and find that all of her animations  accentuate her tits exclusively, you really cant help but be turned off. Its so in your face, you become a prude within seconds! There’s no subtlety or anything left to the imagination.

Then again, I felt that the controversy itself was a petty distraction from the game. I did wonder why every time I searched for any information regarding this title, I’m always finding more people talking about the sex controversy than the actual game, probably because the game itself was unremarkable. And it shows. 

Look, I gotta be real with y’all,  Dragon’s Crown is not a good game. Far from it. I cant tell whether this game epitomizes everything that’s wrong with Japanese game design, because there are so many examples to choose from.

But let’s start off with the first sign that alerts you to how full of itself the game is. Back of the box lists the creator of the game before anything else. Who the fuck is George Kamitami and when did he become famous enough that his name could be used as a selling point? 

Secondly, an homage to classic fantasy gaming? Slutty witch included? Classic fantasy gaming is such a broad phrase that it could literally mean the Y’s series for all we know. Actually,  if that is the case, why are the characters so grotesquely drawn?

Onto the game itself, you start off by choosing 1 of 6 playable classes. .. sorry, I meant to say 3. You have 3 interchangeable fighters, 2 interchangeable mages, and 1 archer. 3 classes. Yeah you might have a fighter who is based around offense,  1 around defense, a mage about offense and vice versa, but at their core, they’re the same goddamn characters. And their classes mean very little in the grand scheme of things. Why? Its cause the game is a beat em up. 

Beat em ups! This… holy fuck of a developer decided to use beat em ups as a basis… for an RPG!? Ol’ George was determined to fuck this game before he pressed the damn discs! Beat em ups died earlier than most arcade centric genres due to how quickly they bore you after the 3rd level. Turns out, people hate being stuck on a static screen until they kill off several waves of enemies that increase in number and difficulty. Its the kind of repetition that plagues every modern action game ever since Devil May Cry was made. Because they were so basic, they lacked any emergent gameplay. Every level was routine. And thus people (even developers) have no interest in the genre. And then there is the RPG,  king of repetitive genres! Games that devolve into petty grind fests once you get over the first dungeon.

Yah stack repetition on top of repetition and expect your fans not to get bored? 

Any who, you begin your adventure going to… an adventure guild (what a shitty name for a guild) so that you can get permission to use a city exit. Yep, I already hate this game. 

Also, The story is entirely narrated, removing what little immersion the game might’ve had. No,  I don’t care if George wanted to mimic a story book or w/e, narration takes you out of the story. Instead of allowing the players to interpret the events for themselves,  the game is dictated for you removing all wonder and imagination. Its primary function is to tell you what you have to do next in the game,  but good lord is it irritating. How the hell do you expect anyone to be engaged in the story with such ass presentation? 

So for the most part it plays decently enough. The controls are good even though the layout isn’t. Accessing your inventory in a dungeon is awkward,  however. Depending on your setup,  you use either the D-Pad or the left Control Stick to get into your bag… meaning you have to stop moving before using items. Its always off-putting to have to take your thumb off of your primary movement input just to do some other action. 

Well, after you complete the first dungeon,  you will get some items. Unfortunately,  all of them are unidentified. You will have to pay from 500 to more than 1000 gold to appraise them and use them, alerting you to just how bullshit this game is going to be. You have to spend money to fucking use anything you find in dungeons.

Is that even close to sensible! ? I dont think a real warrior is going to give 2 shits about the identity of a weapon so long as it works.

Anywho, you start gaining access to more areas in the city. The temple and Morgan’s shop. The temple allows you to resurrect any bone piles you may find in the dungeons. The resurrectees can then join you in dungeons nullifying the need for actual multiplayer. Unfortunately,  they turn out to be more of a liability rather than a boon. Certainly, the more characters you have in your journey,  the easier dungeons will be. But if the last million games didn’t clue you in, the AI of your peers are terrible. They rarely dodge attacks and end up dying more often than not. And if they do die, you have to pay a pretty steep fee to bring them back midfight. And if you dont bring them back, they’re gone for good. Its really not in your best interest to bring any allies (hell some of the quests in this game mandates you fly solo). But if you’re playing the Elf or the 2 mages, you’re pretty fucked.

By now or the next dungeon, you may find that 1 or more of your gear is broken. Yes, this game has WEAPON DURABILITY! !! The bane of any RPG that implements this cock-smashingly retarded “feature” instantly becomes a lesson of tedium. This is what Morgan’s shop is for, but it simply becomes an excuse to shove more sex in your face. 

Amazon is way too thick to be a white woman…

Obviously, equipment repair isnt free, but it is significantly cheaper than appraising new items. Either way, you’ll find yourself paying out the ass for equipment alone. Or reviving yourself if you die which, seeing how cheap the levels get, will happen quite a bit more than you could imagine. Worse yet, the more you die, the more money you have to pay, so the need to stay in the fray is simply another expense. 

As it is a beat em up, the combat starts to get boring after a while, and the mere aspect of dungeon crawling becomes routine. By now, the boredom has crept in, and you find yourself disinterested in continuing the game. The action is pretty slow paced and enemies just seem to stand around waiting for their “gorgeous” attack animations to buffer. The enemy AI is so weak, its a wonder my allies die often considering they’re programmed to attack ferociously. To put it into perspective, say you have a full party AIs. The majority of a fight will look similar to Marvel vs Capcom 3. The fighting devolves into silly particle based maelstroms that the action feels bloated and cluttered.  It becomes an exercise in trying to focus in on just 1 piece of the action.  Half the time, your comrades will often get in your way, steal your kills, and cause more distractions than need be. It doesnt help that in certain dungeons, you have hazards to look out for (like fire) that the fighting blinds you to your surroundings. The main element of gameplay becomes a distraction. And when you get to the major bullshit after lost woods, it gets old fast. 

There’s also the issue of needing to perfectly lining up your character with the enemy for most of your attacks to connect. And I mean it! If your ass is just 1cm from being perfectly aligned with these enemies, you’ll be shooting at the air. You’d think this would be simple, but because everyone looks so wafer thin,  combined with how cluttered these shitty fights can be, and of course the issues of depth perception are rampant,  it gets really hard to line up your characters. Dwarf and Elf players will run into this problem constantly. 

Hell, Some of the bosses are tedious to fight thanks to this nonsense. In particular, the Chimera takes up the entire background in one dungeon, but it always seems like the 3 heads are in different dimensions from each other. Like the lion head is further out from the the goat and snake heads even though they look like they’re on the exact same plane! Its damned disorienting when you try to attack 2 heads at once but find you cant even touch 1 of them. Or… maybe some bosses just have poor hit detection. Fighting this illusionary dragon as the Amazon, pressed up against his face and sometimes my attacks dont even connect. After all, this game does have some technical issues, like lag or even the Elf’s arrows having delayed shots for no reason. Im not even sure how a 2D PS3 game can have lag offline but eh..

After a while, you get access to Lucain’s tower where you can start utilizing runes. These rocks allow you to active certain markings on dungeon walls to get powerups or secrets. Not that it matters because the powerups are shit, and you need the correct runestones to activate the marks. The first one you get is free. The others cost over 40K total HOLY SHIT!!!

Ok George. Was it your intent to drive the players toward wanting to be rich? Because fuck. You succeeded!  The only real method of getting over money issues is to make several characters and shred some cheese off them. The only good thing this shit piece has going for it is that inventory and gold is shared amongst characters. But then you’re simply making characters just to make money, you might as well call them hoes.

Actually. … 

Granted, you dont need runestones to progress, but they are needed for a number of quests. Doing quests is pretty beneficial to your development as you get twice as much money, experience,  and extra skill points! And considering how leveling gets slower the higher you climb, and that unlocking higher tiered skills gets pricey,  doing quests becomes an absolute necessity. 

So… no problem,  right? Cuts out all the grinding issues nicely!

WRONG!  Now look at this shit! 

After you beat the 8th dungeon and report to the castle, you find that you can’t use the city gate because the retard guild locked it or something. You go back to the guild and find that the gate is malfunctioning due to some magic abuse I dont know, it sounds like bullshit and you know it is, so  now the gate will send you to a… randomly…  selected… DUNGEON! 

But wait! He recommends horses from the stables that will still allow you to choose what dungeon to go to. The catch being that there is also a fee.

*deep breaths*

You have… to PAY… for an option… you had for 8… straight… dungeons!?

…….You have… to PAY… for an option..*chuckled*

You have… *maniacal laughter*
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!?

Why the fuck would you revoke an option to travel freely between dungeons, after about half an hour of game time, and charge the player just to do as they please once more!? This game is a goddamn extortion racket! 

Now think about all those beautiful quests and think about the randomized nonsense you have to put up with and just imagine how tedious this shit really is! And… you’re gonna want to do those quests because something really bullshit happens next.

Now you have to revisit all 9 dungeons and take a “B” route to defeat alternate bosses and gain their talismans. By the time you get to this point,  you should be at least level 15 or so, which is some bullshit when you find that most of these more difficult (read “cheap”) bosses are levels 27–30!!! I… FUCK! 

But I figured, in 1  boss fight, that I amassed so much money by this point that I could spend away on continues until I killed the fuckers. So I’m fighting this bastard arch demon (who can kill you via his own bullshit entrance animation), I died like 5 times, but his health was low! I had a chance! 

But then something even more bullshit happens! A holy ray of light kills the arch demon. Stage complete! But… I don’t get the talisman. I’m like wtf where is my reward!? A friend of mine at work (who owns and recommended the game to me) tells me that the bosses on the b route run on a time limit and that I have to kill the bitches before that limit is up.

So… I have to fight the Arch demon all over again.

I… I pissed away more than 6 grand and got nothing.

Fucker was 10 levels above. ..

So… lemme get this straight. This portion of the game:

1. Randomizes dungeon selection arbitrarily.
2. Ransoms that choice out for a price that goes up every time you use the stables. 
3. Requires a retread of all 9 dungeons for a goddamn fetch quest.
4. Has bosses that are overleveled. 
5. Has bosses that run on a time limit.
6. And if you dont kill those assholes on time, the stage ends, you dont get the talisman,  and you have to repeat the level.

YOU CAN‘T BE THIS STUPID, GEORGE!  YOU CAN‘T!

How is it that the same asshole that made the brilliant Muramasa game on Wii… could fuck up what would otherwise be an average beat em up!? You’ve created the number 1 reason why this game doesn’t work! You’re now expected to grind through retreads of randomly selected dungeons because you’re not beating any boss aside from medusa at your current level! Thats what you’ll be doing for the next hour of game time! You’re not gonna beat any of these cheap assholes right away! Its still an RPG! Skill means jack shit in RPGs! 

You  know what the best part is? I wouldn’t mind any of that nonsense if it wasn‘t. .. such… a bore!

Fuck the bland classes

Fuck the boring combat

Fuck the DURABILITY

Fuck the lack of content

Fuck the “real is Brown” aesthetics

Fuck the samey looking dungeons

Fuck the money grubbing shops

Fuck the runestones

Fuck the narrator

This… This right here! This.. HOLY MOUNTAIN OF FANTASTIC NONSENSE… is a motivational killswitch! Never in my life since Majora’s Mask have I encountered a Japanese developer so determined to pull all the stops to infuriate his customers! Buyer’s remorse doesn’t come close to describing my utter disgust with this game!

Pure, untainted proof that Sony fans are the biggest pack of hype machine nitwits to ever grace the world. 

Its no wonder the sex is all people could talk about. Sure its all over the place in this untamed shit piece, hell some of the quest rewards are pictures of naked or half-naked women! 

This is unfortunately the only reason to buy this game. Voyeurism. Dragon’s Crown has nothing going for it beyond its desire to use your perversion as a motivational drive. Without it, you have what is essentially a poor man’s Diablo 3.

This game is beyond mediocre. Its desperate attempts at tantalizing you fails to distract you from its deplorable design choices. From the copy-pasted classes to the intense need to spend money, to the insanity of randomizing dungeons (which pad out your quests) while needing to defeat bosses on a time limit. All the while being a boring, uninteresting,  and unfulfilling game overall. To think people paraded on forums preaching about its greatness all the while going to war against Jason Scrier for daring to diss the tits. 

If this was the game that gave rise to the “SJW”, I could see why. The sex in this game is all there is to it. Say what you will about DOA,  that series has entertainment value beyond bewbs! This has nothing! And people want to go on about its “artistic merits”. Fuck this game!

Why does a puppet need boobs?

Gameinformer on Sonic

That Rocky horror picture show painted a picture of something exceptionally fucked! I regret watching it now. 

Alright guys who still gives a wet fart.  After 2 years I’ve managed to finally get back to this tired blog. After some assistance, I’ve resorted to using an app since WordPress is not working on a browser.
Being in place with no internet or cable, you learn to appreciate the little things in life and naturally be grateful for what you have. Cheesly enough, I’ve patched up shit with my sister (after she locked me out for 3 weeks as payback) and she helped me get this wordpress app which… ain’t perfect but shit I’ll take w/e I can get! 

That said… im back britches!! And… *sigh* I thank you all for sticking with me even after my long ass hiatus (shouts out to Asia_catalog for reading more than just my Sonic posts) as well as to all who have kept me updated with all the latest news regarding the failures of this industry. I really appreciate that, thank you.

That being said, I had to rely on something nefarious for any gaming news for the last year.

Ok yeah,  Because I’m cheap and had no access to Amazon, I have this nonsense membership that forces this magazine on yah, cause toilet paper is gettin expensive. But before I could introduce Mr. Propaganda to madame excrement, something caught my eye.

I thought “by the balls of Ra! You doorknobs have nothing better to cover than Sonic’s fall from grace yet again! ?” 

Guess so. Considering how most gaming magazines are misinformative tripe, I could only imagine the horrors they would spew. After all, these bastards criticized their own readers for covering VR for an entire issue.

Cantankerous, Christs balls. Lets ignore their real complaints and attack the easy bits to feel credible! Who needed internet when you can see the same neogaf styled flame wars right here! 

Despite their lacking professionalism, the article in question tells us nothing we dont already know and regurgitates the same info you and the rest of the nets have covered in the last few years. Here is the article in question. 

Granted, this piece isn’t as harrowing as I feared, but still manages to provide nothing but the most rudimentary knowledge of the Hedgehog’s downfall. There was an entire block dedicated to Sonic 06, but y’all dont wanna see that again,  right?

What did catch my attention was the block regarding the development of Sonic Heroes. Iizuka noted that it was the most stressful game he had ever made. The majority of the article talks a good deal about mismanaged development cycles, but this game in particular strikes me as odd. Sonic Heroes didn’t get the bile hatred that every game afterwards got. 

Look, as much shit I give this game, I have to admit… its honestly not all bad. No, fuck that. Its a great game! In spite of all the bullshit that went down, It turned out fine. The team play system is not a got a favorite of mine, but at its core, it rarely muddles the pacing of the game. And for what its worth, the game does a nice job of combining combat mechanics with Sonic’s speed with the exception of certain levels and the entirety of Team Chaotix. It felt like how an old school Sonic game would feel in 3D, going so far as to bring back special stages, a 2 act format with a boss fight in the last. Shit, you’ve got people asking for a Sonic Heroes 2.

I’m convinced that Sonic Team is capable of working under pressure. However,  this article in question points most of the problems on Sega’s crazy deadlines. Now… it is true that the deadline is responsible for crushing Sonic 06… but the rest of the muck!? 

Shadow the Hedgehog = guns. 

Unleashed = Werehog. 

Colors = Wisps. 

Lost Mind = Puzzles. 

Boom = art style. 

The deadlines weren’t the issues of these titles.  The ideas were.

Yes, I know they brought that up, but there should’ve been more on that factor. Cause then we’d have to ask what the deadlines were for Sonic Advance 1-3, Rush and Rush Adventure, five titles that GI failed to mention, all of which came out during the same period that Sonic 06 was created, all of which received praise. Is it  not possible to… not accentuate the negative and still criticize the series for having a lack of quality control? Primarily in the creative department? How do you explain the reception of those titles if Sega’s deadlines are just the worst?

Who implemented these ideas and why? This is the heart of which Sonic died. That deserved to be explored. But… nothing.  We simply get Iizuka’s tale of woe (not to be insensitive ). But what could be expected of an industry driven magazine than a mediocre investigation? 

Fool me once… (Sonic Mania)

​

*Provided by Heatseeker
Yo, give this mutha a drink!

*sigh* Recent news of Sonic Mania is that there will be more repackaged classic levels than there will be new ones, confirming a lot of people’s suspicions that this is just Sega pandering to nostalgia for a quick buck, probably to recooperate their losses on the failures of Sonic’s Lost Mind and Sonic Bust (which, if we’re being honest, is the only reason we get retro collections of the same 4 goddamn Genesis games over and over and over and…)
But you know what? I’m not all upset about this news. No, ofcourse not. I’m furious!!
Let’s count em up! This all started with the Mega Collections in the 6th generation of consoles. We’ve also had BRAND NEW 2D Sonic games on portables. But then those devolved into retro collections as well. We had gems collections and Sonic Genesis for some reason existed even though we could go right back to our gamecubes and play the superior version on a bigger screen (I still laugh at them trying to sell us on spin dash being in Sonic 1 as if that would take away the level design that wasn’t designed to fit spin dash in any way). So that’s about 4 retro collections in 1 generation.
Then Gen7 came around and Sega couldn’t restrain themselves. We had all the VC rereleases and all the PSN rereleases and the Live rereleases and the Sonic Genesis Collection. There was a DS collection as well at 1 point. So that’s an extra 5 for daring to sell people the same games twice on a single platform. (I’m sure a missed a few somewhere).
Then we get to the 3DS where they have *cough* 3D “remakes” of old Sonic games and Shinobi as digital games and then repacked THAT bullshit into a physical release, so let’s call that 2 more.
ELEVEN! That is ELEVEN FUCKING RERELEASES OF THE SAME GODDAMN GAMES! THE SAME GODDAMN LEVELS! That’s 13 years worth of retro collections. And hell, we also had Sonic Jam, but no one bought that piece of shit Saturn so I guess it doesn’t count. But by the balls of Ra, with all of these retro collections inflating the actual number of Sonic games in circulation, you can just imagine what little value of the good ol’ days is being diminished!
But then there are the multiple games that played pretend homage to the old games that were ALREADY being shoved in our faces!! S4E1, Lost Mind, etc. I don’t include Generations in this argument as it was more about repackaging the 3D Sonic levels, but hell, everything before Crisis City at least felt like a proper tribute, and you’d be lying if Modern Chemical Plant didn’t make you the least bit aroused.
But hey, we kinda accepted it because while it is a game pandering to nostalgia, it made up for it by making the levels feel brand new. It’s all in 3D and you can experience them in either retro or retard style. S4E2 basically reused assets to make new levels, but “they made new levels”. So even the new games that were pandering to nostalgia were still new games.
Mania will be repackaged levels with new layouts. This makes no sense at all. From the Green Hill Zone alone we can deduce that the repackaged levels will feature nothing new in terms of aesthetics, gimmicks, etc. Oh we’ll get new bosses (because the fans play Sonic games for boss fights) but for an element that only makes up 5% of an entire level, that justifies nothing! No matter how much you change Green Hill’s layout or boss, it’s still fucking Green Hill!
And I just love the trolls who fart out the catch phrase “well you wanted classic Sonic, you got it!” Like they’re legitimately pissed that Boom failed or w/e. These bitches KNOW full well why people are upset. You take one look at Studiopolis and suddenly Green Hill becomes invisible. Now 70% of the game will be irrelevant?
With ALL of the retro collections released since 2003, what is the point of repackaging old levels!? To cut costs!? It escapes the boundaries of logic and cohesion. Nobody wants 20% new game and 80% old shit. It’d be fucked up if there was new content that was exclusively DLC. I’m sure there’s an excuse here and there about this being an “Anniversary” title (because that ever mattered). Here’s my question. Since when did “Anniversary” translate to “Nostalgia Pandering”?
Infact, why would developers/publishers bother with Anniversary games!? They’re fucking video games! That’s what’s wrong with the Tales games right now. Just make an article about that shit on a website or throw some retarded party or w/e. Don’t let THAT influence development of a game. No one cares about celebrating how many years a gaming franchise has been around.
This is a half-assed reason to rehash levels. You don’t see a married couple renewing their vows every anniversary, do yah? You should only redesign levels if there is significant need to improve their design, not for a selling point to justify a purchase!
This…*scoffs* This seems… petty of me, I know. I keep telling myself I should’ve known better than to hope Sega wasn’t being duplicitous. A level ratio shouldn’t be anything to be upset over cause I honestly doubt the game will suck, but it will be far less intriguing. Again, you take 1 look at Studiopolis and you’re sold on it, cause in your mind, this is gonna be more than just a stroll down memory lane. How in the hell do you sell people on what could be 2-3 new levels!? While the rest of the game is just… it’s like that Moonwalker movie where it’s 70% homage and 20% actual movie. Fuck, all these percentages!!
Again. A million damn retro collections + digital rereleases + crappy pandering projects. A new game with more retro baggage than new content is fucking overkill. Where is the logic in this decision!? I sure as hell don’t see it.
Wait, old levels with different layouts!? That’s the Japanese version of Super Mario Bros. 2! That’s New Super Luigi U! That’s…. hell that’s Guilty Gear Xrd Revelator!! Did ANYONE care about those lame ass projects!? What value is there to redesigning the layouts of OLD LEVELS!?
Gah, it’s so frustrating, this damn company! Some Mutha fuckas are gonna buy this game anyway if not for some vain attempt to show Sega what they want out of their Sonic games, but you know what, that’s fine. It’s useless due to Iizuka being a moron, but hell, funneling money away from Boom or w/e is the only real saving grace of this game right now.
*Sigh* Well, in the words of Cronos the Phoenix, “Better luck next time”.

Pokemon jumps the shark

Well, it’s nice to know that not even Pokemon is safe from Nintendo’s… you know I can’t even call it creativity, this is the laziest looking pokemon game yet. They go back and change old pokemon’s typings for no reason other than ease, they remove gym battles (but they keep evil teams, goddamn it all!) and even the trailers lack interest in the games. They’re just bland infomercials with a list of features, not something that actually makes you want the games.
Showing me 10 seconds of 4 new pokemon using recycable moves isn’t exciting. Showing me NPC’s who will be forgetable isn’t exciting. Shit, the names alone lack “umph”. “Sun and Moon”? How unoriginal can you get, Ninty? The only fun thing about the version names is the acronym. And the professor looks like a bootleg kanye west?

Something is wrong here. The game feels awkward and it’s changes are completely arbitrary. They’re not even trying. Seems that after Black & White, they’re just phoning this series in. I had a feeling that 6th and 7th gen pokemon games were coming out a lot earlier than usual, and hell, 6th gen skipped a third version entirely! I had heard the Ruby and Sapphire remakes were a failure (don’t take my word for it), so I don’t know. Maybe they’re panicking? Just shoving out new pokemon games hoping to sell as fast as possible? Just make Pokemon Go 2 and put Johtomon in that bitch! Overnight success!
I really think this is where the series might jump the shark. Going back and retooling old pokemon into different types is the laziest design choice they could do. The regions are getting smaller (Fucking Hawaii!?) and for some reason, the Pokedex is a goddamn Rotom form. All this because now GF wants to focus on cliched “little kid saves the world” stories involving the evil teams. Cause you know, people buy into Pokemon for the one-dimensional badguys that exist solely to pad out the pre-game nonsense.
You know why that’s stupid? NO EXTRA SAVE FILES!!! What’s the fucking point of trying to enjoy a story if you can’t experience it multiple times!? You know what you CAN enjoy multiple times? GYM BATTLES! But… OH NO! You take those out in favor of…  Gym Trials!?!? Oh lemme guess. One “Trial Leader” will send you on a FETCH QUEST through a cave or some shit to find a macguffin, but before you can return with it in hand, you get intercepted by the evil team and have to fight those assholes off before going back to the Gym. I know yo game, Nintendo! You’ve been pullin that shit in Zelda so often, I’ve got yo scent!! I will bet my balls that this is going to happen on a few occassions in these new games.
*sigh* They keep the evil teams but remove gym bat… I-I can’t even believe the stupidity!!! What!? Is Nintendo now thinking that Pokemon battles are too competitive and wish to push pokemon away from that direction!? Are they being harrassed by PETA!? J-Just why would you remove the core boss battles from the game!? …But you keep the evil teams, what the fuck…
Maybe it’s that damn Yokai Watch competition messing with their heads. Hell, if you ask me that fire kitty looks like a Yokai reject.
Speaking of which, why not deliver an LBX2!?