Tag Archive: sega

House of Blues? Seems appropiate considering the state of this franchise.

I didn’t notice this before, but Sonic seems to have more conventions than any other franchise out there. I don’t think even Star Wars gets this much love. It feels as though they’re trying to compensate for the franchise’s downfall.

I wish Sega spent this amount of time and thought into making better Sonic games, but eh, a party is cheaper. So now they’re “teasing” a new Sonic game announcement. Oh joy, after turning Sonic Dash (the only REAL success they have at this point) into a Boom knock off, having a Boom sequel (as insulting as that is), another damn olympics sequel, and a movie deal with Sony (you know, the guys who FUCKED UP the Amazing Spiderman reboot, and aren’t known for making quality products), I’m just SO certain that w/e the hell they’re teasing is enough to reinvigorate my faith in the franchise! The future of Sonic just couldn’t look any brighter!

I have to puke at Aaron Weber’s comment. If you’re not saying there’s a game announcement at this party, then you should probably shut the fuck up. You know what really pisses me off? This “party” takes place at Comic-Con, an event usually attended by adults. Sega has been aggressively targeting CHILDREN with this series. So if they were serious with the direction they werre taking this franchise, they might as well find a Chuck E Cheese somewhere, cause whatever they plan to show is not going to excite adults in any way. This is probably why Weber’s comment irritates me so much. He throws these “teases” around as though he’s talking to children.

If Sega was actually serious about improving Sonic, they shouldn’t be waiting until a party to announce anything. This shit only works when a franchise is in a good state. It feels childish and obnoxious that, considering modern day Sonic is shit, they would use a party or an event to showcase a new game, which for all intents and purposes WILL suck! If the future of Sonic is just more “Boom”, then we can all just say “Good night, sweet prince” and continue bitching about Nintendo’s idiocy. Or Sony’s refusal to drop the prices of their fucking PS3 controllers. But don’t embarrass the fandom with a party when the games are a steaming pile of cow dung! Fix the franchise FIRST! Then you can have ALL the parties you want!

The food better not be shit either, resturaunt owning mother fuckers…


Flynn vs Pontac: Perfect comparison right there. Honestly, I haven’t read any of the comics since 1999, and I know they’re still hip.

Continuing my nostalgia trip, I pulled out Sonic Gems as I reminisced about being really fucking pissed off that Knuckles Chaotix wasn’t included. What a WASTED opportunity! You know how long I’ve been waiting for a modern console port of this very game!? There aren’t any 32X emulators for Wii or PS3 (to my knowledge). Goddammit! Hell, what about SegaSonic Arcade!?

So, I only had one major reason to buy this game. 3 if you included Vectorman 1 & 2. The one and only Sonic fighting game!

NO! Not that bullshit!

Pff, ain’t no fighting game at all, it’s Power Stone if you had down syndrome.

Dats da one!

It’s the only game from Gems that I hadn’t played at the time, and was probably the only other reason people bought gems (aside from getting SCD). I call it “Sonic Championship” as the localized name isn’t syntactically retarded. Another sign that SOJ cared just a wii bit too much about nippowning their IPs.

Many of Sega’s fighters at the time were all just clones of Virtua Fighter because they got the wacky idea that the game wasn’t shit. Some people compared THE FIGHTERS to another Sega game called Fighting Vipers. I recently had the chance to play that game as well seeing as everyone compared that to Bloody Roar, a series that just kicks ass, but I honestly can’t dig that game. It feels sluggish and not very fun, which was an issue for all of Sega’s fighters that took after Virtua Fighter. Sure it had more interesting characters and faster gameplay, but it feels like everyone is covered in molasses and tar. Even more so than Tekken. Seeing that THE FIGHTERS took after Vipers, I was impressed. It actually plays better in some regard. Either that or it’s just fucking hilarious.


Playing all of the characters, you get the slight impression that they’re all clones of each other, just with different animations for each of their attacks. Most of their unique special moves take a Ph’D in arthritis to learn. Not because they’re difficult commands, but because the controls aren’t exactly responsive. Trying to pull off even the most basic moves results in a lot of frustration. When it actually takes a few attempts to perform Knuckles’s Dragon Punch ( which is ) during a match, you know it’s fucked. The easiest “specials” for me to perform were actually the throws. Most of which involved taking the character’s weapon and using it against them. I must say, there’s a great level of satisfaction in taking Amy’s hammer and smashing the horny bastard into the pavement with it as your character shows off a sinister grin.

Oooooooooooh, lick MY ass, will yah!?

That said, it’s a really basic fighting game on it’s own, that will have you button mashing most of the time since every character has the same basic combos. Everyone even comes equipped with a spin dash attack, as well some pro wrestling moves like running up the stage walls, leaping off, and body slamming the opponents. Granted, there are 2 characters in the game that grate my nerves.

These 2 sons of bitches are the only real unique characters of the bunch. Why? They have projectile attacks. And this is a 3D fighter with no real sidestepping or decent jumping physics. You can get around Nack’s cork bullets by ducking at least and spin dashing to counter, but Bean is a real asshole. He just throws bombs around the arena to overwhelm and overpower his opponents. Imagine fighting a spammy ass Deathstroke user in Injustice, and you have Bean the Bastard. That’s how much of an asshole he is. Bark the Bear is the lesser of the “unique” characters in that he’s big, slow, and has short legs. Obviously, he does the most damage….. in a game where the attacks already hurt enough as it is. Nack, Bean, and Bark are overpowered as shit. Just sayin.

Anywho, the game has it’s own quirks that help it stand out from the other virtua fighter clones, such as that annoying ass “losing rings” sound effect every time you take damage. Honestly, every hit you take has the “cute shit” effect of you losing rings (a nice, subtle way of making it look like the characters are bleeding all over the place ala Mortal Kombat, no less. :P) and it’ll hurt your goddamn ears after a while. Trust me. The wacky and borderline cartoony animations for the amount of ass kicked gives this game a lot of energy and flare that was lacking in early 3D fighters, and the roster itself isn’t bad for a Sonic fighting game. It almost treats itself as though it were a Loony Toons game as many of the characters moves look like they were pulled out of the minds of Tex Avery and Chuck Jones. It’s this kind of humor that makes this game……. pretty fun on it’s own. When it comes to entertainment, comedy is a good insurance policy that your audience will have smiles on their faces.

…….Which is good, because it plays like ass. I mentioned before that attacks in this game hurt like hell. A single match would probably take less than a minute……often. The amount of health a player loses in the least amount of time is absolutely crazy. Even when you’re not dealing with swollen mother fuckers like Bark, regular joes like Tails could demolish opponents easily with a few well timed flurry of punches. The either the attacks in this game deal way too much damage, or the amount of health you have isn’t very high. This leads to incredibly short matches. This combined with some SNK styled AI makes the game feel like it’s based around luck.

You’ll see what I mean.

Oh, and dig the bottom corners of the screen. The barriers, just what are they? That’s your only means of blocking in the game…… and they’re limited. This is probably the first fighting game that foolishly punishes the player for… playing defensively, and this kind of madness started ramping up in fighting games of the last generation (easier guard breaks, guard crushes, etc.). You see, you have only 5 barriers that are weak. Once they’re all gone, you’re completely defenseless. I thought I’d never see the day when a fighter would feature micromanagement of your basic blocking functions. It’s even worse when you find out that the game allows you to enter a special “EX” mode where you spend 2 barriers just to attack wildly nonstop. Oh, and if you’re blocking and the opponent grabs you? You lose that barrier as well.

My small ass frame, and they give me nothing but PAPER to defend myself with!? Do you see how BIG his fucking hands are, man!?

All this means that the game expects you to be on the offensive, which wouldn’t be an issue if the controls weren’t drunk. It almost feels like playing Brawl. The creators thinking “the game is for FUN!” and removes all semblance of strategy and skill in order to emphasize the “FUN”. The difference between this and brawl is that, yeah, it actually IS fun in spite of all these facts. In the end, that’s all that really matters. Or it should. The problem is the game has no real longevity. Because of it’s wonky mechanics, it becomes less fun over time. Almost quickly.

Especially when you take it up the ass on occasion.

Unlike most other genres, fighting games NEED decent gameplay just to be sustainable and fun, and as much as I want to be biased, Sonic Championship doesn’t cut it. Sure, it’s better than any other Sega fighter they’ve made, but it’s still just as iffy. Bottom line, Sega makes crappy fighting games, and THE FIGHTERS is another, unfortunate example.

It serves the purpose of maybe passing the time and getting a few laughs out of it, but overall couldn’t take attention away from even the worst of fighters.


A toast to everyone who’s been having a ball grillin the ever loving shit out of Sonic Boom! Savin me ALL kinds of trouble and piss that I could be using to kill those damn cats who keep singing at night!

Anywho, seeing all the turmoil erupting after the bust, there’s been like this… mass awakening going on. Sonic fans starting to smell the coffee and realizing that “hey, Sega’s REALLY fucking up the sonic series, we iz doomed!” Sure is nice of them to get over their unwarranted self importance to start caring about the actual products rather than their status as fans.

That being said, I started to dig out every Sonic game I’ve owned to go on a crying train about where it all went wrong.

Holy crap, I still have this game!?

Back in grade school, I thought this was the second racing game that took actual skill to beat (the first being F-Zero GX) seeing the amount of actions you had to take during a race to ensure victory. Course, by the time I learned all the nuances, I just used power characters and abused their easy shortcuts. Power characters had it easy (or at least Knuckles did). Breaking through everything while maintaining their top speed was a joy.

Playing it now, I realize that there isn’t any real skill involved. It’s actually very petty micromanagement strapped into a racing game. You have to be careful not to use so much air during a race, collect a shit load of rings to carry more air, do several million tricks and character specific actions to gain more air, and hope no one kicks your ass which would cost you all your air. Sonic Riders was a racing game with zero margin for error and almost no accessibility whatsoever, it’s a wonder that I even liked the game back then. Wait, I had a gamecube, I had really shitty taste back then. I even thought Wind Waker was worth anyone’s time…..

Thinking about it now, I started to actually miss some of the improvements in Zero Gravity. Not having to hold down the jump button just to actually “jump” and get bigger air from ramps was one, not having to manage air was another. Luckily, Gamestop sells Wii games at all time lows so hurray $12 games! It’s not everyday that I give a game a second chance (giving Injustice a second chance atm). Trying to think exactly what I did not enjoy about it. After about 4 weeks I got rid of the game, I didn’t even want it in my collection.

Zero Gravity was a sequel of demands and deterrents in itself. It had plenty of improvements like the aforementioned jumping controls, the music is way better, and there aren’t any silly QTE’s mid race like having to spin the control stick to gain air while riding a pulley. Never made much sense to begin with. Not every action you do drains your GP meter like it did for air, and catching rails with speed characters isn’t such a pain in the ass. If anything, Zero Gravity was a more convenient game.

The thing that pissed me off, however, was the changes to how characters and gear worked. Characters no longer had their abilities based on their types (Speed, Fly, Power categories were removed) so everything they could do was entirely gear dependent. Chapped my ass since I usually gave knuckles Grinder shoes so I could have the abilities of smashing things and riding rails. Unfortunately, in this game, that is virtually impossible without the “omnipotence” gear you get. It wasn’t too big of a deal considering that you could play your favorites without worrying if they’ll get decent shortcuts… but then Sega pulled this “gear change” shit.

In Riders 1, you had a leveling system where by collecting rings in acquirements of 20, you could increase the max amount of air you carried as well as gaining access to new attacks. To explain, boosting up someone’s ass allowed you to perform different attacks based on your air level, for example Knuckles would roar at someone, but leveling up would allow him to punch someone.

In this game? No such thing as leveling exists. Instead, you gain access to gear changes that you have to change into mid race. Collecting rings from 20 to 50 to 75 instead of the 20-40-60 for some reason gets you these changes. The problem? The gear’s ability to access short cuts (like rails or flight rings) is tied… to the fucking gear changes. So you can’t really gain any access to these areas until maybe the second lap of the race. It seemed like a really stupid means of “balancing the game” by forcing you to swallow rings before you can access any meaningful short cuts. But this cuts into another issue. Performing gear changes actually depletes your rings, so if you were hasty and performed your first gear change, you’d have a much longer time to collect rings and get to your second and 3rd gear changes. This combined with the fact that if you fall into a pit, you lose all your rings anyway, so that’s an even longer wait. Plus, you still need rings to buy new gear.

What’s this all mean? The micromanagement aspect is STILL present. And if anything, they made it much WORSE in this game by virtue of the gear change system. All of he races in this game become nothing more than mad dashes to collect rings and not much else because that’s the only real “skill” needed to play this game. Every other mechanic was simplified to the point of absurdity that farming rings is the only real goal of the game.

And I mean simplified. You can’t even friggin boost in this game. The one move that most racing games would have for players to quickly catch up with their rivals was strangely removed from ZG. Why? They had to make way for the “gravity boost” and “gravity dive” features. 2 moves that are actually more of a hindrance than a plus. Gravity Boost is basically like drift, however, in that you only really use it to navigate 90 degree sharp ass turns that crop up in every race. And after the super special “beat dropping” dubstep crap is over, you get a really shoddy boost doesn’t even propel you far enough to catch up to anyone. It’s not even viable to exploit. Then you get the Gravity Dives which are… slightly more useful, but in select areas. It starts off like the boosts accept the beat drop moments have a fixed time frame, and you actually do bypass your rivals. You’re really just flying in the air. But… the amount of speed you gain starts to dwindle about half-way and it’s a total bitch to control. It’s not suitable to use this on any part of the road that isn’t straight as your character can only move on-rails. It’s only useful on select parts of the course where you can find large pieces of debris the “slide boost” on. IE if you touch any of these debris, your character gets a sudden boost of speed. And since there’s plenty of debris on the road, you have plenty of boosts at your disposal.

…..Then it hit me. Seeing how gravity boosts and dives are practically used in every race at very specific portions of the course, how your ability to access short cuts was heavily limited, and how there’s no real boost function all led me to one conclusion. Sega took control away from me. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize just how completely scripted the courses felt until I started not giving a shit and played the game more relaxed than usual and noticed that all the gravity dive sections appeared near the end of each lap. This wasn’t a racing game at all. It was Sega’s personal experimentation project with features they never properly ironed out… but felt necessary to force you to experience before gaining access to your precious gear exclusive short cuts. Since most Gear-Cuts take you around the gravity sections of the race often, you would have less incentive to use gravity boosts and dives. And why would you? Gravity boosts are a complete liability that can cost you a race if you so much as fuck up an inch in trying to catch a wall or a sharp corner. Gravity boosts would be nice if you didn’t slow waaaaaaaay down while activating it. This would give opponents the chance to catch up with you and pass you while you’re still trapped in middair. It’s absolutely absurd and moronic for any racing game to force a mechanic on you that actually hinders your ability to stay in the lead. To use gravity boosts without losing your place requires that there be no opponents within 5 miles from your rear. And using gravity boosts to do wall runs is even more risky as those shortcuts don’t really ensure victory either. Gravity Dives would’ve been more useful had the game not make them only functional on straight roads or be purposefully designed to work on one section (and one section only) of a course.

This combined with no actual ability to catch up with your opponents (and having no boosting mechanic either) makes this a racing game that is dependent on sheer… dumb… luck. Yes. You have no real control over how to actually win a race, you just have to pray. Between having to amass several rings to be able to do anything combined with the utterly useless gravity features that Sega tried ever so hard to promote, makes this a game that is damn near unplayable without some yac to go along with the sadness. Now granted, they do have gears that already have Gear-Cut abilities unlocked at the start, which would be fine if they actually performed well in comparison to the default gears the characters are given. All to balance them out, no less. >_>

I initially sold the game due to not having a means of playing catch up, but decided to try and use the “awesome features” the game provided you with this time. Turns out, they don’t fucking work to your advantage. There are zero benefits to using zero gravity. It’s a Nintendo experimentation game masquerading as a racing game, and it shows. The design choices are completely baseless and without reason. More pointless micromanagement than anyone ever needed, and just an overall SLOW racing game in general. It’s just not fun. When you know you’re not in control of a race 100% of the time and you spend more time scavenging for rings than actually competing against other racers, there is no such thing as a fun factor. And to think, they could’ve taken the courses, the music, even the tired story, modified them all and made a regular ass Sonic game where you’re going around kicking meteotech robot ass. People wouldn’t even be kissing Sonic Colors’s ass because the techno-dreamworld Sonic game would’ve been made back in 07. Instead, we got a shallow racer that thinks it’s Sonic Shuffle 2.

*sigh* too bad. It had a sweet ass sound track.

Sooooooooooooo much wasted potential…..

My last post before departing again.

Well… now that Sonic Boom’s so-called “Rise” and immediate Fall came and gone like RGIII’s career, the Sonic fandom has to be feeling a much stronger level of remorse and frustration. It is much more disturbing to find that much more people feel that it is time for Sega to take it’s pooch out behind the barnyard and pump 2 barrels in it’s cranium.

To hear that the latest game in the Sonic series is almost “condescending” and treats all of it’s audiences like babies where as before, the series used to treat it’s audiences like adults (Casino levels and polluted power plants, especially) is jarring and offensive. But it is what it has come to be. People have never been so certain that the series needs an indefinite break.

But the truth is this. Sega will continue making Sonic games that will decline greatly in quality for each and every installment they pump out. And for most of us, it’s a difficult pill to swallow. As typical of fans, many want to stay around, hoping things will get better and Sega will get it’s act together. Others firmly believe that this is infact Sega’s “act” so to speak.

For many people in America, there is a newly entrenched and sweeping belief that corporations are machines that destroy things for profit. Most people had already figured this out, but it could’ve fooled you as many Americans annoyingly defended corporations for decades as a bastion of ambition and quality. The act of obtaining profits and material wealth was more important to the American psyche than anything else. The American Dream was all about material wealth “without strings attached” as they imply. After the BP oil spill, Americans started waking up to the realities of just how dangerous corporations really are. They are giant machines filled with sociopathic cogs, if you will, that believe all of humanity are jut warm bodies to extract wealth from. It fills me with delight that people around these are actually starting to fight back against corporate fuckery of this country, one small step at a time. Even hollywood is being fought against (though not as strongly).

There’s only one sector of the population that is still in honeymoon mode with corporations and that is the gaming population. We are still only people who will defend the practices of these companies even with their disastrous performances. When you start to detect a huge dip in quality for many of your favorite franchises, it’s done for the purpose of money. When businesses destroy something, it is for money.

In Sega’s instance, they have destroyed their company image and their mascot for the same exact reason. Think about it this way. Why do they continue to make retro collections of Sonic 1, 2, and 3 every console generation or so? I think an episode of Futurama touched upon this, actually. Some product called “Slurm” was a soft drink that came out of a slug’s ass. Literally. They had plans to turn leila (Some cyclops chick, I think that’s the bitch’s name) into a slug so that they could extract slurm from her. Though one worker noted that because she isn’t a natural slug, her slurm would taste fowl.  The queen said this was a good thing because they could turn around and make something called “new slurm”. Then when people were done hating it, they could turn around and make “slurm classic” and rake in millions.

Sega is using the same exact tactic.

Sonic games continue to be shit, so the frustrated masses would run to the games of higher quality… which are now over 25 years old. We get a taste of New Sonic and it tastes like cornbread. Sonic Classic makes us feel like fat fucks in a cookie store. As long as people feel they can go back and rebuy the old Sonic titles over… and over…. and over again, the more Sega feels justified in destroying Sonic over…. and over again.

It’s never been more clear at this point that Sega could not give a fuck about their customers or fans. It is when we can officially dub them a corporation on the same sociopathic scale as Comcast, BP, Wal-Mart, Capcom, most telecom companies, etc. Nothing speaks more volumes of this than their habitual and pathological lies regarding Sonic… and PSO2. Everyone who has played Sonic Boom can instantly feel that they’ve been lied to. It’s like every game they put out, there is a load of PR marketing that make the games out to be much greater than they are, and of course none of it actually worked because the games looked horrible from the get go. No amount of PR bullshit can make future Sonic games look sexier than 06. Sega used a LOT of nasty tricks to make Boom look better than it is. All those photos of BRB’s offices filled with Boom concept art is a trick to make people think they were “hard at work” trying to make the best game possible. You always need to be suspicious with any game production that has more “fluff” interviews than they do footage of actual gameplay. If you’re shown more about the people than their actual work, it’s best to stay away as they’re concerned about image rather than talent. Other times, they take the exact words of forum goers and use those exact words to advertise their next games (IE, the promises and lies in a nutshell). There are enough examples out there going on about Sonic’s glorious return to his “roots” than I could count on a finger. Then there’s the issue with Mike Bollocks (hehe), some 50+ grandpa fighting with people over the internet to defend Boom. Using an authority figure is probably one of the nastiest tactics you could use in any industry as people are afraid of authority as though it were the police.

But this is the kind of shit corporations do to woo the masses to their side. They get “people” to talk poetically about how awesome they are, and then turn around and screw everyone over. Like fracking, I recall a commercial, it was all black and white and had this old fart talk about the process of finding gas in rocks with some choice lines like “all it takes is an idea” or some inspirational shit that has no weight to it. When come find that fracking is harmful to the environment, the illusion of a beautiful new industry is broken.

W/e they use, it means they don’t give a fuck about you. Only their silver lining. Fans of Atlus have every reason to piss themselves in fear as it means Sega will destroy their own products for profit. Sega’s evolution to a corporate shitlord is unlike that of Nintendo, Capcom, Square, Namco, or any other company that has attained shitlord status. Sega is downright evil. I can’t think of any other game company that has erected wall between themselves and their customers thicker and sturdier than Sega.

The dilemma comes in the form of how Sonic can still be so iconic and memorable while having a stream of terrible games nonstop. Crash Bandicoot, Bomberman, who cares? Sonic? “Man I remember having that on the Genesis!” It’s impressive how many people can recall fond memories of the classics and not be aware that games are still being made. For those that do keep up, it has to be damned frustrating just knowing it’s going to get many times worse from here on out, yet still want to support and/or keep up with the series. We wish we knew how to quit it. Not quitting means in part supporting the very devils that control the series. There’s no petty feeling worse than knowing the stuff you love is controlled by sociopaths. If you want Sonic, you have to go to people that want to destroy it for money. How can you enjoy a series that keeps getting worse? It’s impossible to do, so obviously you have to give up on it. But you just don’t wanna!

There’s always the fan games, but gamers have been trained to love production values over substance, so there’s that dilemma. The comics are being rebooted to crap, so there’s another dilemma. No worth while cartoons either. I wouldn’t even count on that live-action movie doing any good for the series. Even if it turned out to be good, that gives Sega another excuse to sell garbage “New Sonic” to kids while creating “Sonic Classic” to quell the immediate backlash. It’s a “Sonic Cycle” of their own creation.

What is one to do for an icon that deep down… no one wishes to hate?

*sigh* And… that’s it for my vacation. Much appreciated for those bringing me up to speed on everything going on with Sonic Boom as well as Smash 4. Will probably be back for Christmas if me crappy job is willing. Cya darls!

Tales of the Borderlands should’ve just been a bunch of actual movies, not some episodic downloads of interactive movies. And I’m getting just fucking tired of Handsome Jack. If the rest of the Borderlands series is going to be about him, count me out.

I can’t imagine a more tasteless admission of defeat. Now all Sega needs to do is get rid of Mike Bollocks and we can have Robotnik being awesome again…. I think.

To hear that Boom has technical errors worse than 06 is surprising considering how well Sega’s been doing polishing their turds to fool people into thinking their games are worth anyone’s time. And Goddamn, you know a product is ass when a chunk of assholes don’t even stick around to finish it. It feels like Sega’s big merchandising plan is collapsing before retailers can get a single toy out of the deal. Namco got lucky. Hearing all the reasons for this massive turnover will be more epic than Sonic X-Treme’s development. Hell, even Sega knew the game was shit. If you have to stoop so low as to revoke what is essentially the right of free press to review your product… to avoid tarnishing your company’s image anymore than you already have, I don’t know what to say. Wait, yes I do. Congrats Sega, you’ve evolved from Dreamcast to Comcast!

So much for the fanboy’s BS on Ex-Naughty Dog folks being any good for Sonic. I would go far to say anyone who thinks the people behind Jak and Daxter have talent probably have no taste whatsoever, but that would be arrogant and I’m sure the amount of retorts would contain the words “Last of Us” because the people behind that game would totes be caught dead on a project like this. Would you trust Sonic in the hands of people that wanted to turn Robotnik some school boy nerd!?

Piss in me eye! Why are these even concepts for Robotnik in the first place!?

These are not the kind of people you would trust with anything resembling your childhood. I wouldn’t trust them with Bay’s rendition of the Ninja Turtles. Hollywood seems to be the only slaughterhouse that can get away with radically changing the appearance of iconic characters, and have no one bat an eye. This leads me to believe that in some dark part of the game industry’s psyche, they want to be more like Hollywood so they can make trash and do as they damn well please. I think games having such steep prices jolts a good dose of high standards in consumers that we haven’t reached a point where we sit back and allow some random jackass’s “vision” to get in the way of our entertainment.

But this is worse than I thought.

For a development team to up and say “fuck it” 6 months in advance and quit the project says a lot. They probably didn’t want their names to be tarnished just in case they get the opportunity to work on something they think is worth their time. Or something! Kinda creepy this happens right when I lose internet access…

So, it’s been proven that BRB and Nintendo are both unreliable in making a Sonic game, and Sega is yet again fixated on making money to notice. If western developers basically show no interest in developing a Sonic game, it shows how far the series has fallen. Many western devs still hold Mario games (even the shitty 3D ones) in their highest regards, but I bet no one wants to even mention Sonic in any of it’s incarnations. If we can’t rely on Nintendo or a Western developer to make a good Sonic game, then who can!? Don’t say the fan projects. Yes, they’re sexy and Freedom Planet looks damned delicious, but I’m talking people who are actually involved in the industry. All the talented people in the industry show no desire in Sonic to care about it’s quality. You will get more feedback about a Zelda game’s lacking quality than that of Sonic. The younger teams (like Ninja Theory and the like) seem to be a bunch of college idiots with all these wild visions of particular franchises that don’t at all seem to be particularly concerned with meeting or exceeding expectations. So we can’t rely on new blood either.

To drive that point further, the store I work at has a high turnover rate of employees, so I get to see lots of fresh faces in as little as a month. One particular coworker is a poor shmuck shackled with student debt. He’s also a nerd with poor diction. Breathtaking, isn’t it? Anywho, he’s one of the yahoos that’s an aspiring game developer who hasn’t had any time to work on his pet projects due to trying to pay off his debt. It’s hard not to feel sorry for the guy because it seems like he’s not going to ever get that dream job of his, and even if he does, it’s gonna beat his ass in the long haul. Even then, like most nerds, he argues about the potential of Boom being a good game regardless of all the issues presented. And this was before the game was released.

Of particular note, he felt that fans of the series were problematic and difficult to please, being as fans can be “picky” or overly demanding, and could cause the erosion of a particular series. At one point, he cited Dragon Ball as an example. The series kept continuing on into the Dreaded Cell and Buu sagas because fans wanted more when the series was supposed to end with Frieza. While I could sympathize considering I hated everything Cell Saga and up, blaming it on the fans is a red harring. Significant demand requires sufficient talent to meet the demand. If you’re not up to the task of meeting demand, pass the torch to someone who can and will.

Because of that situation, it’s probably best to never plan on an official “ending” to any series you make. You just might be forced to create more and more. Miyamoto never wanted to make another 2D Mario after World and was quoted as “making every game as if it were your last” in some dire hope of not having to be bothered again.

People are always gonna be passionate about a series they have a planned vision for, not when they’re simply told to make more and more crap for it. The quality will take a noticeable dip, but nah. That ain’t the fans fault. The company itself decided to make more shit. Therefore, it’s solely their responsibility.

But according to said nerd, it’s that people are “too had to please”. He is definitely not the kind of person you want in the industry. But we already have those kinds of people! That’s the fun part. And many of them happen to be a little too power hungry for anyone’s good. And since everyone is so hyper active in creating their own shitty versions of existing mythos, we can’t expect any good to come to Sonic from any external force. Again, Sonic has no business existing in this day and age. There’s too many cards stacked against it, and little to no hope of a recovery.

And I’m starting to feel like w/e good ideas the FANS on the internet have, Sega will just skim them and use them as some asshole selling point proclaiming that they “listened to fans” while creating a turd nugget of a product yet again. No one felt like Sega’s been pulling this kind of shit yet? Every time you get a certain amount of demand for Sonic to be a certain way, the immediate next Sonic game has “something resembling what fans asked for” but it turns out to be ass which further dehumanizes the fans and makes it seem like the fans don’t know what they want? Or is it just me? I mean everyone kept demanding a 2D Sonic game, Sonic 4 is shit, or Nintendo make a Sonic game and they kinda sorta did that with Lost Mind, then I came up with the idea of a western team to do Sonic right, and that blew over worse than anyone could imagine, it’s like Sega is creating false flags to crap over fans or something. Because the same company that was raking in dough from PSO2 would not be that stupid to constantly fuck up their mascot series.


I’m getting ahead of myself. I had been informed that some of those BRB members were fired midway through the project, possibly due to low funds. Which kinda makes sense seeing as not one of those ugly ass toys have arrived on store shelves yet. The other bunch left on their own accord. I don’t know how much Sega blew on this endeavor, but if they rolled bitches out that fast, either they lost faith on the project, rushed it to keep the deadline on releasing it with that stupid cartoon, or they wanted to desperately get out of this Nintendo exclusivity deal fast. “HERE! JUST PUT THE DAMN GAME OUT, THE SOONER WE GET THIS DONE, THE SOONER WE CAN ESCAPE THIS MAD HOUSE!” You’d have to be really suspicious of a corporation when they start trying to hide their products from reviewers. That reeks of them having no intent on fixing the series. It really is just a profit generating machine for them, and a really dodgy one at that. All this nonsense about targeting younger demographics, removing games from store shelves with bad reviews, and hiding review copies to keep people in the dark until the game comes out is dirty as shit. If anything, I can’t blame those BRB legions that left. Sega has become a real monster of a corporation. Their behavior since 2008 is no short of amazing and bewildering.

Still, no excuse to make crap designs and leave a game unfinished, but understandable to some degree. In either case, we can really say Sonic is doomed for any future game that comes out as it seems no company that exists has any vested interest in the series to crap out a decent product. And because all the real talent exists in the non-credential sectors of the globe, The only place a Sonic fan could call home is the PC. Kinda scary for a once Arcade Centric franchise to get personal

I really gotta work on better closing remarks. More and more, I’m starting to think back to that one guy who suggested copyright law be abolished. Sure, the only franchise that would benefit from that would be Sonic, but hell, we here in America like to think that competition is healthy for… some reason. Why not get rid of laws that exist only to protect corporate interests when they damn sure don’t care about OUR interests, rite? That’ll promote lots of competition! If companies weren’t such greedy pussies. I’d like to think Sega would step their game up if the fans were allowed to financially compete against them.

Oh Amma, I love this song

This game is ASS…

KICKIN that is! 😀 Yo, for real though, this shit is off the hook! This was worth the cramped hands. Bar none, Shinobi Bread Slice is the real deal.

You can tell this game was produced by Stephen Frost. How else was he gonna convince the whole world that Joe Musashi was a Japanese Ninja? You got an art style remeniscent of Okami’s Japanese cel shading, you have a generic soundtrack complete with fuedal Japanese flutes blasting off at every chance, and to top it all off, the narrator speaks completely in haiku. At the expense of even explaining the plot.

Once you’ve heard one…

Dull presentation aside, this game is a prequel (fucking…) to the original Shinobi (if the ACTUAL Joe being based on the very first game is anything to go by. Instead, you are playing Joe’s ancestor/father named “Jiro Musashi”. Now why this game is a prequel is beyond me as nothing in the game is elaborated on, you just have a bunch of references to the Super Shinobi games on the Genesis. I suppose Sega is doing one of Nintendo’s numbers and is shoving as much cute shit into their games as possible. Golden Axe Beast Rider with the gnomes and original coin insert sound effect, everything about Sonic’s Lost Mind, and in this game, take as many enemies from Shinobi 3 as possible and put them in.

It’s not really a big deal. Though having no choice to do research of what the fuck was going on, Jiro starts off in a fairly cliche “battle against a rival ninja clan” as Zeed (enemies of the Super Shinobi games on Genesis) attacks the Oboro Clan village. But for no reason whatsoever, he is sent 800 years into the future where Zeed is in complete control of everything, and Jiro must join a resistance group (not this shit again!) to stop them. Good thing they have no exposition, I would’ve been turned off big time!

That’s enough of the content, the gameplay is tight. Why so? It’s so well designed, it damn near replicates Shinobi 3 in all of it’s essence. Perhaps… A little too much. Right at the very beginning of the game, you have to make some tricky jumps while moving down a large wooden… tower? W/e it was, while it isn’t at all difficult (the double jump isn’t a pain in the ass to pull off anymore), but it was a warning sign that… the game is merely intimidating. A lot of the “tricky shit” you do in this game is piss easy. The real challenge come from the enemies, which is a good thing. Tricky jumps do nothing but piss people off anyway, and the Shinobi series was filled to the brim with lots of trick jumps. This game isn’t an exception, but they are much more forgiving this time around. Mostly due to the Chain Hook which only shoots upward. I could literally cheat the game!

Having a separate buttons for melee and kunai is a welcome addition, but they had to go and use the modernized “3 hit combo” bullshit that does nothing but delay your recovery, making you vulnerable to attacks in midframe. Eh, it goes along with the Ninja themes used in games (every action has a consequence, that kind of shit) so I can’t complain too much. That’s the funny thing, I haven’t really found anything wrong with the gameplay… sans the lack of a dash function. Jiro is probably the slowest Ninja to date, and only having the ability to move faster via a score multiplayer is the silliest thing out there. The game is very demanding of perfection…. just like a Shinobi game.

You can tell these guys are big Shinobi fans just by level design alone, holy shit. Strategically placed enemy… placement, no shit. You really need to think about how you approach each and every one of them. Unless you’re dealing with those homing rockets, then you have no other means than to rush them as fast as possible, or try the really fucked up parry maneuver which seems to work only when it wants to. Sometimes, I could deflect a million kunais, other times I eat bullets. There’s some strict timing to be had with parries. I wouldn’t bother and would focus on trying to dodge attacks… which doesn’t seem to be a very viable option. A lot of times, you be attacked by enemies off screen without warning, so hitting that parry button would be the normal reaction, although with it’s strict timing, you’ll be getting your ass kicked plenty of times.

I’ve not been a fan of modern boss battles, so this game manages to do even those well enough, that just figuring out their patterns and beating whole sale ass on them feels satisfying. Except that laser mine… thingy with the shark… in mother fucking lava. Fuck those guys infinitely.

This game is probably worth a Bread Slice alone. I’d say get it if you can find a copy. Lucky me, I found one for only 15 bucks.

Yurugu’s influence is strong.

Sega Sammy reported a mild drop in profits in the last fiscal year compared to its previous year and poor sales of packaged games in its consumer business segment, spurring the company to pour more resources into launching mobile and free-to-play games in the coming year.

The company reported that sales of boxed games like Total War: Rome II and Football Manager 2014 were disappointing, but took pains to highlight the favorable performance of digital games like Phantasy Star Online 2 and mobile games like Chain Chronicle.

To that end the company plans to launch 43 new digital games in the coming fiscal year, 30 of which will be free-to-play titles. The company will also be working to convert properties that have traditionally been sold as packaged games to digital products.

Look at this fantastic nonsense. 30 F2P games in a year. 

You know the similarity between Sega and Capcom? Both their retail games have been underwhelming on all fronts, especially Sega. Have they managed to sell ANY retail games since 2005? Lack of quality and awareness be damned. With the exception of maybe the vocaloid nonsense, I can’t see Sega having any good times at the best buy. But the quick fix solution is to go digital now. According to the whole word, digital sales are spiking upwards, reaching the heavens and soaring above the world.

Course, when you look at Sega’s output in comparison to their retail releases…

Even with it’s bullshit “No Dpad” gameplay


Their digital output is genuinely better than their retail games. And that usually seems to be the case. Digital games take after more “Arcadey” games than retail titles (with the exception of those shitty F2p Namco fighters) than their literal computer brethren, so seeing as they get more attention is obvious.

F2P, however, is a business model that has come under fire for numerous occassions, mostly because the insidious methods publishers have used to get you to pony up. As I’ve stated from my experiences with F2P MMOs, usually if you go free, you are fucked for the majority of the game. You will be severely underpowered for everything, and you will never get to experience a majority of the game’s perks without paying (Or Ntreev is such a bastard company that it certainly seems that way). I remember playing Dungeon Fighter and never having as much frustration as I did with Grand Chase, not to mention the community wasn’t a bunch of fuckwits that wanted to show off it’s stats.

Sega isn’t a company I would trust with any kind of F2P model or MMO models in general (and before anyone asks, no I don’t play Phantasy Star over the internet). Considering they’ve had one digital/mobile game (Kingdom Conquest?) where they only gave one region their most godly equipment while everyone else got screwed. “Good luck with that PVP environment, Baka Gaijin“!

Personal experiences aside, I can’t see how they plan to manage 30 different F2P games all at once. Sure, they’ve bought an assload of developers out, but outside of the PSO2 team and the Total War devs, pulling this off without a hitch seems fallible.

Fighting game based on Shining Force.

Great, so now we have the 2D variant of Dead or Alive games.

I’m not sure about Sega’s talent in making fighters. Virtua Fighter is barely interesting as it is, and I don’t know about Chaos Code. Then again, this isn’t coming stateside for anyone to care. After the Shining Force controversy over at youtube, I wouldn’t doubt if people were still bitter about getting their accounts banned over a complete misunderstanding.

W/e the case, it looks ok for what it is, but I wouldn’t hold any breath for a western release… ever. A stupid title as well. “Blade Arcus from Shining”? Who the hell came up with that name?

Happy Holidays bitches. Got some clippers  cause apparently I’m a hairy bastard. Whatever.

Checkin out Sly Cooper…. not bad so far but that turtle is reminding me of Navi all over again, but fuck all that noise.

Capcom has proven to be very stupid these days.

You know that tidbit about gamers being in the 30s? You know, that average that has been that way since…. forever maybe? Yeah, Capcom thinks that’s a problem. See, in their minds, people in their 30s and 40s have a tendency to outgrow gaming. I mean, how can they not? What with all the responsibility of parenting and paying bills taking priority over junk entertainment, yadda yadda. But most adults have the capacity to make free time and not get caught up in stressful situations. But w/e, Capcom says it’s much more strategic to cater to a younger audience as they don’t run the risk of having their audiences leave their games. Since old people have better things to do like die off, which is what all these japs seem to want (especially Nintendo). Problem is they’re talking about a franchise that fucking caters to adults.

Yeah, uh… RESIDENT EVIL is pretty much made for the 30 crowd considering the content involved. A survival horror series mostly about puzzles and getting out of situations, mostly slow paced up until the shitty COD wannabe TPS’s.

Capcom and Japanese developers constantly infuriate and frustrate ALL their audiences because they constantly fall into the “get em while they’re young” clause. Which isn’t a bad theory as the Japanese worship youth as if when you get passed the age of 27, you’re no longer a desirable person. Hell, every anime they have features a teenager with super powers and a bunch of highschool girls with hormone charged titties. The Japanese are horrid people when it comes to age, instantly assuming that going beyond the highschool limit makes you a skidmark on their shoes. Sega tried this bullshit with Sonic, and failed. Capcom isn’t really in a position to pull this shit considering their financial situation.

The entertainment industries of the world are all considering the youth as their saviors of profit considering the economic environment is not in their favor. Since young people are inherently stupid and lack self control, they are the best targets for squeezing cheese from. IE you make content that chases away older audiences and have shills run around talking about “times have changed” and that “this shit was always for younger audiences” while reeling in the stupid youth. Expect RE7 to have Hello Kitty costumes.

How does Capcom plan to do this? By using fashion magazines that appeal to young people. Oh Amma, the WORST audience you could cater to are teenagers/College Students. Teenagers have the absolute worst taste in anything, especially celebrities and music (dubstep is shit, and you know it). So what’s probably going to happen is that Resident Evil will cease to have adult content and probably have something similar to Highschool of the Dead.

If Slit skirt Chinese bitch, Tribal Bikini Black chick, Blond Jill and Hospital cleavage Sherry weren’t clues already…

Hell, SFxT was already a clue that Capcom is going after Teenagers, especially with Poison in mind.

Resident Evil was already dead at #5, and was raped in 6. Looking at that fashion magazine remark, I fucking DREAD what they’ll do in 7. Resident Evil is a series that generally appeals to the 30 year old crowd. It’s not M-rated for no reason. Why not find some sort of middle ground so that resident evil appeals to a wider demographic? I mean… you know… it worked well before. The true test of how good a game is… is how much you enjoy it no matter how old you get. A good reason for why adults grow out of gaming is because developers keep going after younger people like a bad habit. So painting Resident Evil for young(er) people is definitely going to chase the older ones away. Not that Resident Evil had any longevity anyway, all of those games are throw aways with no real replay value. When you experience a Resident Evil title for the first time, the second playthrough is not special because you know the flow of the game. The last time Resident Evil had any replay value was with number 2 having all those alternate playthroughs and routes you could explore. But beyond that, there ain’t much to it.

But “hey, if that’s the case, the TEENAGERS will be stupid enough to buy them anyway!”. You can blame it on Capcom’s financial situation, that which can be blamed on Capcom’s bad business practices of catering to stupid teenagers. Capcom is so unbelievably stupid. First, the DLC practices that got them in this jam, and they think the only way out is through more DLC. As well, catering tto teens chased away their audiences and they think catering to teens again will ARRRRRRGH! The mark of stupidity of trying the same thing over and expecting a different result. And unfortunately, Capcom is not interested in anyone’s concerns on the matter, they’re desperate for money but they don’t know how they’re going to get out.

Other than that, they’re trying to appeal to non-gamers by using movie studios and a “Resident Evil cafe” in Shibuya town. Uh… right. How do you appeal to non-gamers using a HARDCORE gaming franchise!? I’ve not seen video game sales rise with movie tickets, the best selling games have usually been original game titles and non-movie/tv show  related material (unless it’s fucking Disney), but a Cafe!? People might just like the food and atmosphere, but I doubt anyone is going to pay out the ass to get that same experience on a console. Cheap food>>>>>>Expensive games. The REVERSE would happen, the gamers would be drown to the cafe because they’re familiar with the material and they’re EXISTING fans. If you want to cater to non-gamers, you don’t use existing franchises. You have to really introduce them to games that have any franchise history or potentially reboot the franchise. Wii Sports is a good example of introducing non-gamers to video games (I think). But you didn’t see Nintendo Land doing anything, did you? Introducing non-gamers to a gaming franchise by using non-game related promotions is counter-productive considering the expenses of video games and the financial burdens of the WORLD at large. You’re dealing with people who have priorities to keep in check. I bet the Capcom CEO couldn’t pass a bloodtest, he’s so dumb.

In other news, Sega released PSO2 to South Asian territories…. in English.

You can just tell Siliconera thought that was bullshit. It’s right in their title. I had been anticipating this game since it’s announcement, and have been feverishly raging on the inside. Sega announces and then cancels the western release, while giving Asian territories an ENGLISH…. FUCKING…. VERSION! WRAP YOUR BIG ASS HEAD AROUND DAT SHIT!

We CAN’T have our own version in a language we understand, but the FUCKING ASIANS can!

I… shit man! I don’t have the piss to waste, EVERYONE knows that’s bullshit. How much you wanna bet some bureaucratic asshole gamers will blame the folks who got a Japanese account to play the game overseas even when it was declared to be A-OK!?

Neo Sega’s anti-western practices are out of control. They’re already targeting youtubers once again, they’re antagonizing their Sonic fans with Nintendo content (or that’s Nintendo themselves), the mobile game with integrated servers but Japanese audiences getting the overpowered extras that allow them to beat everyone in non-japanese territories (I think it was Kingdom Conquest or something?), and I can tell you this english version being exclusive to Asia is a “Fuck you” to western audiences for getting Japanese accounts (banned as well ofcourse). Sega is literally going out of their way to piss off their western fanbases on every level. Hands down, this company isn’t focused on business, they are focused on a declaration of Japanese supremacy against everyone else. They are deliberately antagonizing western audiences AND PARTNERS. And this is unacceptable on all accounts. Where Sega got this new chip on their shoulder from, I have no idea, but they have the nerve to continue making shoddy games for the west while they give the Japs their best shit ever, what is the goal? It is immature and they should not be allowed to run any business. If you WANT money, and you’re working in 3 different territories, then you deliver EQUAL FUCKING TREATMENT to these territories. Sony does this, Capcom…. used to do this, Namco does, Konami FUCKING does it well, and even SNK to some extent has done this.

Sega, you are not special. You either serve ALL of your audiences equally, or don’t serve anyone at all. If all you’re gonna do is show us your asshole and tell everyone to lick it, we’ll prefer to RYNO instead.

I’m always amazed at how quickly people want to shush out any “drama” regarding the Yoshi Island DLC from Lost Mind. As if the subject of content is not worthy of discussion. I’m aware that Nintendo fans can’t really say much about DLC because they never had true online outside of pokemon (haha), but jokes aside, DLC has always been a controversial topic for any game. Not just how it’s handed out, but what the contents are. DLC, no matter how much I want to deny it, has the power to extend the life out of a single game as it builds on what you love about the game you bought (and then got bored of I suppose).

Yoshi’s Island builds on NOTHING about what anyone loves about Sonic Lost Mind (if it’s loved at all). It makes people run away in fear. That said, it’s easy to see why no one wants to talk about it, though. Yoshi’s Island simply isn’t interesting. Period. It’s a clear testament to how unpopular Yoshi really is.

But it should be discussed on the matter that it is threatening Sonic the Hedgehog. And that’s no bullshit. I wonder how many comments will read “LOL THREATENING WTF”.

First off, I’ve had a problem with Sonic being the corporate ad-whore for a long time.

Sonic has the most appearances in this film, I swear.

Wait, can’t say this because “corporations always take advantage of whatever is popular to draw in more people”. It happens all the time. Oh wait, Sonic’s not popular anymore, WHY THE FUCK IS HE BEING A WHORE!?

It’s something that baffles me. Sonic is used to promote shit like car insurance. Why? It just seems like an arbitrary thing to do. I mean for Cheerios like back in the day “RACE FOR THE TASTE!” cause it’s food. It’s a consumer item. Car insurance? That’s something you need to actually THINK about. And what I really find funny is that everyone is all about kids, but a commercial about car insurance is for adults only, so why is a “Kid’s icon” in an adult commercial about car insurance?

Wretched Ralph, it’s not so much the movie, but the fact that Sonic seems specifically attached to Ralph and Disney for no good reason. I mean afterall, Ralph gets a guest appearance in no other game than Sonic and Sega Racing Transformed. All I can ask is why? Who wanted Ralph’s bitch ass in this game?

He’s not a Sega character, hell he’s not even a REAL video game character. Course neither is Danica Patrick, but I have no idea why that bitch is in either. Does anyone even care about these 2 people!? Where was the demand for these 2 characters? It makes even less sense considering the non-existent popular of the Sonic Racing series altogether and exclusive presence on HD consoles makes the sequel pretty inaccessible to a plethora of people

Yeah, pointless rambling, right? Wrong. The question is why is Sonic general being used to promote products and/or media that have nothing to do with Sonic? Especially given when the Sonic series is in the shitter? I can understand why Comic book super heroes are being used to promote shit that doesn’t involve them like the Avengers (shit is EVERYWHERE now), but Sonic? Sonic isn’t appealing this day in age. Using him to promote product is illogical. Unless there is a stigma amongst marketers in which hardcore gamers will buy anything as long as it caters to their gaming “culture” in some way, it makes no sense. And I say this because while Sonic is busy sponsoring other companies, Sonic fans get shit. It bugs the fuck out of me that the most Sonic fans can look forward to is Sonic going around promoting everyone else’s bullshit while we can’t even get a decent game. I mean back with the Cheerios commercials and back packs and shit, that was ok because we were still getting some fucking awesome games out of the deal. But now? What’s the point? “Oh look, Sonic and Amy made a cameo in the simpsons” who gives a shit? Are we gonna get actual quality again?

So you got a franchise that is, for all intents and purposes, maggot food in which marketers from other companies can simply dance around the grave? I know it’s too soon but think about it like Paul Walker. We already got an advertisement for Fast 6’s DvD release and it hasn’t even been a month… and already those cock-suckers are trying to make money off the corpse! “Paul Walker Trust fund” or some shit. Eh….. I just know that example will make some one rage. “How DARE he compare a bad actor to a video game character!”

But see that’s the thing. The franchise is simply not popular anymore, and Sega is NOT intent on delivering quality Sonic games, and are killing the franchise as we speak. No company in the world has respect for video games, nonetheless Sonic of all games. Turning Sonic into some universal promotion tool is asinine and quite frankly makes my piss boil. Cause what does that really do for Sonic fans in the end? At this point, we all know Sega really isn’t hurting (that badly, I suppose). They got all the cheese for a restaurant (literally and figuratively), they got cheese for Phantasy Star and Yakuza (shit, the fucking spinoff Dead Souls has more “soul” than Sonic Generations), and they got the lawyers for youtube  (they’re at it again, btw.) What does Sega hope to gain from these moves when all they do is shit on Sonic anyway? Is it some half-hearted attempt to appeal to hardcore gamer stupidity by saying “we still care, don’t be mad at us”?

……Well, it does make for some funny parodies, I’ll admit.

All I’m saying is focus on fixing Sonic instead of having the blue bastard tell people “hey, I’m shit, but totally go out and buy some rip off car insurance!” Sonic fans LOVE cheerios, but they’re not focused on car insurance.

That reminds me. I actually read this smart ass remark on facebook recently (Think it was that SA3 page with everyone losing their shit over the “White Jesus” remark hehehehehehe). What was it uh… am I mad that Sonic is in Brawl?

Funny thing about that. Sonic “worked” for Brawl for a large majority of reasons that Yoshi’s Island does not.

One, Smash Bros. is already a crossover game that not only features Mario but tons of other Nintendo characters for the chance to beat the literal shit out of each other. Shit, they invited Solid fucking Snake. Secondly, Sonic was heavily DEMANDED for Brawl, unlike Yoshi’s Island DLC which was thrown in there for shameless promotion. And you wanna know why? It should be obvious.

Who the fuck would want to miss the opportunity to have Sonic and Mario beat the shit out of each other? AM I RIGHT!?

That is the PRIMARY REASON people wanted Sonic in Brawl. The crossover dream match that EVERYONE dreamed of. Not this piddly ass “friendship” from gay ass Olympic games that people got fed up with. No, Mario and Sonic are in it for BLOOD! That’s why people LOVED when Sonic got into Brawl, and partially why people don’t mind his second inclusion in Smash 4. Cause now you got Sonic with MEGA MAN! …….Still would’ve preferred MMX…

No one can deny this is the reason people wanted Sonic in Brawl was to have Sonic fight Mario. You can’t bullshit anyone on it. Even Nintendo of America knew that was the reason.  Look at the US release trailer from back in 08.

Look at the very end of that trailer in which you find Sonic and Mario clashing. THAT is the crossover people really want.

You know why? Because it has everything to do with “branding“.

Sonic was created to show off the hardware of the Sega Genesis, but was (maybe indirectly) branded as a “Mario Killer”. Everything about Sega was branded as a “Nintendo Killer”. Part of Sonic’s Branding is being a polar opposite to Mario. And this was going on for a long time up until the Dreamcast ended, so naturally people thought the rivalry was over when Sonic started popping up on Nintendo consoles.

So why did people care so much about having Sonic in Brawl to beat Mario to shit? Because that rivalry is still relevant to why people give a damn about Sonic to this very day (and I know some Nintard trolls are gonna use that). I mean shit, when you’ve got a character branded to be a “Mario killer” AND grab up marketshare at the same time, that shit leaves an impact on people. Cause lets face it. Nintendo owned everything at the time. The NES was a juggernaut. Then Sonic and the Genesis (and Kalinske) came about and crumbled their empire. Sonic had The power to make a God bleed.

Actually, lets back up. Why do people care about Mega Man being in Smash 4? I don’t ever recall Mega Man being branded as a competitor to Super Mario Bros. Capcom never made their own console to compete against Nintendo. If anything, Bomberman is more appropiate as Hudson made the PC Engine (exclusive to Japan, mind you). Capcom only had arcade boards but never their own console. Deep down, people feel that Mega Man games were on par or of better quality than Super Mario Brothers as well? Capcom IS the only 3rd party company to meet Nintendo half-way on their own turf. Street Fighter 2 and all. So… yeah, I guess Mega Man’s fan support makes sense (plus the lack of Mega Man service from Capcom was making them thirsty). So if fans think Mega Man, Mario, and Sonic should all be involved in a free-for-all, then deep down, people felt that Mega Man was a competitor to Mario as well despite being a 3rd party character through and through.

And that IS the case. Making a “platformer” (and I use that term lightly) on a Nintendo console means competing with Nintendo for platformer fans. So putting a Mega Man game (like say Mega Man 9) on the Wii means having a Mega Man game compete against New Super Mario Bros. (both operating from the same mentality of retro throwback solidifies the competition).

So if Mega Man was considered a rival for Mario despite not ever representing a console he called home, why the fuck are people so desperate, determined, and above all HORNY AS FUCK to squash the beef between Mario and Sonic!? You cannot separate the series from it’s origins no matter how much you’re tired of hearing about that rivalry. All these pussies going on about “NINTENDO AND SEGA ARE FRIENDS, TIMES HAVE CHANGED”  can get fucked for all I care. Times can change all they want, but human nature has all the time in the world to stagnate. People LOVE this rivalry and they want to keep it alive.

And I love the expression of how “kids these days will never know about the 90s rivalry or care, so stop buggin us about it”. Mother fuckers, the kids don’t even know the damn franchise exists. The ONLY people who pay attention to the Sonic now are the same people who LIVED during that heated rivalry (Or jumped in during the 3d stuffs, w/e). 20 years AIN’T that fucking long of a gap! If I ain’t wrinkled yet and still breathing then I STILL want Sonic living up to his branding! It ain’t like DC and Marvel where they’re ANCIENT in comparison, people keep going around saying “gaming is still young”. If that’s the case, then dammit, WE are still young!

What…. does this all…….have to do with the Yoshi’s Island DLC? It’s a spit in the face of the people that still give a damn about Sonic’s Branding. This is the Identity of the Sonic Series. And it is at stake. And no, it’s not just because of the DLC.

No it’s not like Kratos or Freddy in Mortal Kombat 9.
No it’s not like Link or Spawn in Soul Calibur 2
No it’s not like Darth Vader or Yoda in Soul Calibur 4, or Ezio in 5
No it’s not like Cole, Taro, or Kuro in Street Fighter X Tekken.
No it’s not like Akira, Pai, Jacky, or Sarah in DOA5U.
No it’s not like Sepheroth in Castlevania Judgment.
And no, it’s not even like Ralph or random nascar bitch no one cares about.

All of those games have something in common. The guest appearances/promotions, whatever…. they appear in games which maintain a semblance of their own identity regardless of their presence. Soul Calibur doesn’t give a shit that Link is fighting with a “Gay Pink Fairy Sword”, Astaroth is still Astaroth regardless. Shit, Kratos fits right in Mortal Kombat. When playing any of those games….. you still know… it’s Mortal Kombat. You still FEEL… that it’s DOA (in more ways than one).

I don’t need to tell you, the fanbase doesn’t need to tell you, the critics don’t need to tell you, youtube doesn’t need to tell you, trolls don’t need to tell you. Sonic’s Lost Mind is a goddamn Mario Galazy clone. You don’t feel Sonic playing this game. You see it with all the gimmicks and arbitrary badniks, but all in all, that is nooooooo Sonic game. Everyone knows it. Even ur mom knows it.  The Yoshi’s Island DLC is pouring salt on an open wound. It just rings it on home that Lost Mind was made to coddle the people stupid enough to pay 300+ bucks for a Pii U. A blatant confirmation, if you will, that it is a game that doesn’t bother to rely on Sonic’s own merits beyond cheap imitation imagery. And the DLC is used to sell you Yoshi and Zelda.

Sonic fans get shit.

And you know the divine comedy of it all? Nintendo knows you’re stupid enough to let it slide.

These companies don’t really care about Sonic, they use it to boost themselves. What do you think Nintendo is doing? Using the MarioXSonic rivalry to boost interest in their own games. The Olympic shit isn’t even about the rivalry and is more about them collaborating in sporting events. But people got suckered in for the crossover (and people got tired of getting burned). But Nintendo knows how to swindle hardcore gamers into playing their games. They keep this “game” running just so they bring you back in. Nintendo knows hardcore gamers are easy to manipulate. They’ve been manipulated so much on the HD console side of things, now they support that bullshit EULA in saying “WE DON’T OWN THE GAMES WE PAID OUT THE ASS FOR!” Nintendo treats Sonic as something they can ride the coattails on to sucker in desperate Sonic fans looking to them to “fix up everything” when all they’re doing is making things worse.

People have let Nintendo get away with so much up until now that Nintendo thinks they can get away with ass fucking Sonic. Sad part is they probably will since no one cares about the state of that franchise aside from the fans. But seeing as all corporations are operating from a dictator mindset at this point (they’re all just my little pawns to manipulate), we are powerless to stop the ass fucking. Nintendo is not a company that listens to business sense. Pikmin 3 exists, afterall. Lost Mind failing means nothing to them.

Oh well, Sonic Fan Games, here I come. Dat Fusion shit is niiiiiiiiice.

*sigh* I miss Rouge