Tag Archive: Sonic’s Lost Mind


(random thoughts: 

SS IMPA IS BLEACHED!!!!

Over the course of this past week, I got stuck baby sitting this kid who shall be referred to as “Runt”. Why? Because he thinks it’s cool for some reason. Hey, he’s 6, sue him. To my amazement, he’s so damn well behaved. Either that or taking him to see Godzilla scared the piss out of him.

Anywho, his mother had bought him a game for his DSlite. Unfortunately, the game isn’t for the original DS.

Runt just wanted a Sonic game, and this was the only one she could find in stores atm the moment. And even more unfortunate, since I bought I a 2DS….. yeah. He wouldn’t shut up about “Lemme play on your game! Lemme play, lemme play!”. I just bought this thing and now I fear it will get broken. And then he got the nerve to be talkin shit. “Haha, your game doesn’t close!”. You tell him it’s to save money, “why are you so cheap?”.

*sigh* So I let him play. He gets stuck on Zone 3 of Wind Valley cause the purple fuck kept throwing balls at him, and he can’t dodge worth shit. So now I gotta play this mug. You have to deal with this bitch 3 times in one stage. It’s not difficult, but it is repetitive.

I can tell you that the game controls like piss. The moves that Sonic performs are far too confusing. Like his “lolparkour” shit where half the time it’s automatic, and you have no real control over it.

I really hate how you need to hold down those painful shoulders just to run at a decent speed, but at least you just press Y to spindash, but Dimps managed to fuck that up too. You have to charge the spindash to max to get high speed and not stop midway after about 7 feet. The fuck kind of shit is that!?

And the “charged homing attack” makes no sense either. You have to hold back from attacking anything until you get a full, yellow circle around the enemies in order to do more than just tickle the bitches into submission. That also includes targeting multiple enemies in one setting where it feels like Sonic does this autonomously.

It feels like the game was taking control away from me with how automatic everything is. Think Metroid Other M’s “dodge” function where pressing anything makes Samus dodge moves.

But after that, I managed to get enough rings to go into the special stages. I figure what the hell. But… ugh, you would not believe the shit you have to put up with in this game. For the special stages, you have to stand up…. and turn around like a retard… just to steer Sonic in the game! I tried to give it to Runt, but he said “it looks hard”. I forced his ass to get it away from me after a while, my shoulders were in PAIN! He was so confused by it. He couldn’t steer and collect all the blue balls in time, and we missed the Chaos Emerald. The Runt was really frustrated. I could see the “pissed off” in his face! 😀

Honestly, you have to lift the 2DS above your fucking head… just to fly upward! I thought Skyward Sword was obnoxious, but this is both stupid and completely uncomfortable to your arms. I was really sore, I’m like “this game is dangerous!” So, I let him have it, he figures out the little homing attack charge shit and whoops Zazz’s ass in the boss fight. “That was easy” he says. This coming from a kid who had trouble fighting the first boss in Sonic 3.

In the next zone, it’s a desert that’s mostly straight forward, seems like a fun level until he gets to these twisters that’s blocking his path. He quickly passes it back asking for help. So I see like a small opening to the side, but there’s an invisible wall that forces me back into the twister.

We were stuck there for a good 4 minutes until I found that…. wisp or something. It lets me suck shit in. So I find it, and he’s all like “COOL!”. what a joy. The only thing he likes so far is one wisp. THAT’S what you need to break through the twister.

So I learn right off the back…. that Wisps are actually forced in this game. Colors is starting to look like a million bucks. In those games, Wisps were practically optional despite it’s few levels that everyone seems intent on reminding you about. But in this game? You NEED to use Wisps. You have NO CHOICE.

So after getting past the twister, he snatches the damn thing out of my hand… and dies 😀 . Lots of bottomless pits, and he lost the wisp. After a while of running around, we come to some worms that have to be killed in the most esoteric way imaginable. Of course, he gives it back and… shit, I don’t know how to kill him either! Just then, we learn about the little “Sonic Boom” or whatever, you jump and then press your attack button in the air. It just dazes him and he exposes his weak point… and you repeat this process until he’s dead. “Why do you have to do all that?” he says.

So after getting past the level, we get to the next and…. switch puzzles. Great. For a Sonic game, it sure is intent on slowing you down deliberately. It seemed, at this point, that Sega was confused at the complaints the games got, like “Oh, Sonic isn’t about Speed!” so they put so much WORK in this game that you have no choice but to take everything slow. Sega doesn’t seem to understand. Sonic games allowed you to move at your own pace. People complaining about how the recent games were “all about speed” doesn’t = put so many roadblocks in my path that I HAVE to slow down anyway. This game was starting to get repetitive as the entire level is filled with switch puzzles where you have to trick these living balls into running into switches. Runt didn’t even want to play the level.

I had to play the rest of the world, act 3 was some sort of Sand maze where you have to find a million switches. Yes, Lost Mind LOVES switches! And Fat fuck was piss easy.

So, onward to Zone 3. Damn this is a Mario level.  Even Runt thought it looked like Mario. So, Act 1 he played through, died a million times due to the stupidity of how the game seems to warp it’s own gravity (it’s too easy to get lost in water stages, but if you use the drill wisp and stop, the world might spin around, disorientating you. This shows how poor the level design is. The game expects you to run through it normally so it will rotate itself, but if you have drill wisp, it doesn’t rotate, the camera remains stationary. This is the most disorientating level in Sonic history).

After that, we get to the most embarrassing level in Sonic History. Where Sonic has to make Apple Juice to progress. This level shows how repetitive this game is as you must repeat the same bullshit a good 4 times in a row. Top picture shows that you need to roll apples into ditches for…some reason, and bottom shows you need to grind apples to raise water…. “Apple Juice” high enough to reach a warp gate. By this point, Runt thinks the game is stupid. “Why do you have to make pee? Can’t we just use the flying power?” Hehe, “pee“.

So the next level is one where I gave up on. This level depends on your proficiency of using the Dill Wisp. Fuck this level. Fuck it in the Ass. I have died 13 times on this one level. It is beyond stupid. Firstly, controlling the Drill Wisp in 3D is a pain in the ass, it’s very sensitive, moving up and down is a nightmare, and if you bump into any walls, forget it. You will fucking die. Runt was beyond pissed off with this level. “I WANNA USE THE FLYING POWER!”

He started asking the one question you NEVER want your audiences to ask. “Why do I have to do this!?”

We took a break after this piece of shit. After a while, we went back to it because for some reason he wants to see more of the game. After more blood, sweat, and tears, we FINALLY got passed it, and went on to fight Zik.

This fight was pretty tedious, but what tickled me was when Runt was going on about “Why does the old guy use fruit? I thought he was a ninja!” That he got from the low quality cutscenes they managed to shove into the handheld version. Blurrier than a youtube video.

So after the most HELLISH world, we get to Frozen Factory. Now Act 1 Runt actually liked. It was straight forward, mildly challenging… oh who am I kidding, he just liked the lightening wisp.

“WOW!!!” He’s all excited and shit, and doesn’t even know how to use it.

Act 2 was no different. Runt literally says “the game FINALLY fun!” Where is your “is” boy?

And then Act 3 kills his enthusiasm. Once again, we’re dealing with switches and a snowball that follows you around. This level was tedious to the core, but not at all as bad as Tropical Coast. Runt kept trying to do homing attacks, but he kept getting frozen. He’s all pissed off now “HOW DO YOU KILL THIS MONSTER!?” I’m tellin him “you remember the Sonic Boom? Jump in the air, press Y?”

Well, it didn’t kill him, kinda dazed him, then he jumps at him again and he becomes a stump? Anywho, he can’t die and while Runt tries to push Snowballs, the Snowman keeps coming back and crushes the snowballs he was pushing. At this point, he’s furious, cause the snowman kept destroying the balls and freezing him. “STOP DOING THAT!” After a while, he sound like he’s about to cry, so I yank the damn thing away from him before he starts breakin shit. It’s kinda scary, you got this well manner child about to go into a piss fit over this game. “I paid good money for this, you ain’t about to tear it up”. “No you didn’t, you’re cheap!”.

He a smart ass little boy… how does he even know what “cheap” is?

So he fights Zeena after I dealt with the Snowman (that is one tedious fuckin level). And he has no clue of how to hit her. It’s not really easy to describe, but for the most part, you need to use “Thunder Wisp” to even damage her. Great. Forced wisps in boss fights. So after what seemed like an eternity, he beats her and we move on.

The first damn Zone in Silent Forest… forced wisps. You get some boulder thing where you have to tilt the whole DS just to steer. He quickly gave this one to me. “Oh, make me do all the boring stages”. “Yep!”. *sigh* anywho, this level is so boring. “How do you know where you’re going?” That was a good question… cause I didn’t! Everything you did here took place on globes of some sort, so your surroundings were more or less obscured. But after a good 10 minutes, I give it back to him and he goes through the only Act with some damn good music.

No matter what Sonic game it is, there is bound to be at least one good song you’ll like. Runt was jammin to this shit.

The next Act, he handed over to me as he kept dying and getting lost. I breeze it, taunting him as I do so. Honestly, compared to the previous levels, this thing was cake.

Now… this boss fight… through out the whole game, we’ve been avoiding special stages for the sake of our arms… but this shit here? See, now you have to use the Gyro functions again. The game makes you “search” for Zor’s real owl machine. The same shit you did in special stages, you do here, find the right one and smash him. Runt could not discern anything because “they all look the same to me!”. I ended up having to do it. From this boss fight alone, it felt like Eiji Aonuma had input. And that wasn’t a good sign.

Onward to Sky Road. What was strange about this level was that it looked like the Casino portion of Frozen Factory… but it’s in Sky Road instead. Ah well. First 2 Acts were all Runt’s. He loved the return of the “Flying power”, but got lost. He didn’t know where to go or what to jump onto while using the “flying power”. Eventually, he gets passed it, but he no longer liked the flying power afterward.

I think it was more so what he was doing since now, you had to use it and jump to platforms that aren’t readily visible. But the biggest insult was how freaking short this level is. I mean… I ain’t complaining, the levels in this game can take as long as 19 minutes tops, but really? Dimps just got lazy on this part.

Act 3 (as you see in the shots above) is the real problem. Right at the beginning, you have to use the Gyro function to steer rockets. Nevermind that needing to rotate the screen messes up your ability to readily see what’s going on, especially later on when the game demands you make sharp turns and then Sonic unexpectidly jumps off the rockets. Runt was beyond the threshold of pisstivity. “STOP JUMPING OFF!” Took it off his hands, got pissed myself, tried to give it back, he says “No! You do it!” Ugh… I died more than him on this fucking level! First the rockets, and then these sections where you have to make some of the trickiest wall jumps ever. Because Parkour is so badly implemented and has terrible controls, this whole became a nightmare as you have to master wall Parkour’s JUST to progress. This level is bullshit wrapped in Bacon Fat.

It ain’t nothing compared to this boss fight, though. I might as well be playing Mega Man X2! I couldn’t beat this son of a bitch if I tried. Runt takes it and kicks his ass. O_O

“Hurray for me!” “Yeah w/e” “You just suck!”. Shouldn’t be using that language at yo age anyway, ya lucky bastid.

Took a break after this point.

Zone 7 is nothing more than a boss rush. Each act has 2 retread bosses each, supposedly harder than ever before. I couldn’t tell, they were just longer. Funny enough, when it came to Zavok, Runt was getting rammed while I took over and kicked his ass.

“You were sayin, little man?” “Leave me alone

So we get to the final boss, Runt rapes Robotnik like nobodies business, and the game is finished.

This game took us exactly 1 day to finish. Despite how tedious it was, it’s over with after a good 2 hours or so. “That’s it?!” Runt says with a shocked expression.

I asked him what he thought of it.

“Um… I don’t really like it. I like the Thunder Power and the skate boarding level-”

“Snowboard level”

“No, the Skateboard level in the snow”

*sigh*

“But it’s kinda dumb. The magic fruit man, you make pee to-”

It’s Apple Juice! They’re friggin apples!”

“Can we play that other Sonic?”

“What “other” Sonic?!”

“The one where you go “VOOOM””

*sigh* That doesn’t even make sense, they ALL go “VOOOM”.

Overall, I think the verdict is clear. Lost Mind alienates children. At least the handheld version does. I mean… goddamn, I think this game is easily worse than Black Knight. No, worse than Advance 3. No Sonic game should be loaded with puzzles, period. But combined with all the other shit the game puts you through, pushing snowballs while snowmen come and crush you… it’s a mess. Naw, it’s a tragedy. This is one game that makes you really ponder what in the fresh hell Sega and Nintendo were thinking. This is the Skyward Sword of Sonic games. It has some of the most wretchedly obnoxious “challenges” out there, the difficulty is not balanced (the later levels happen to be easier than the early ones for no reason) and the random spikes in difficulty make no sense either. Sure, make a challenging game, but don’t bullshit the kids either. You should’ve seen the look on Runt’s face when he was trying to push those snowballs.

I couldn’t see how this game would be a fun experience for anyone that doesn’t crave italian sausage. And that fucking water level with the drill wisp. I wonder how many people will go on record to proclaim the superiority of the Pii U version.

“Thanks for letting me play on your game!”

“Naw, you need to thank yo mama for savin that receipt! You need to take this torturous little chip back to the store!”

And for the record, he thinks Sonic Colors is for girls.

Advertisements

1.

I’m assuming people want my take on this seeing how the last post got taken over by it. First thing’s first, Game Theory is an irritating youtuber who’s “theories” aren’t even realistically sound. For one, he had made a video in which he tried to prove that Super Mario was faster than Sonic… by using a PORTION of SMB1’s 1-1 level and judging Mario’s speed in reaching this PORTION of it…. while comparing to the amount of time it takes for Sonic to reach the end of Green Hill Act 1. The WHOLE fuckin act, I might add. 1-1 is, by all, a very short level while Green Hill is already lengthy.

But ignoring that, he’s made a video that’s preaching to the choir. People have known that innovation does not sell ever since the Gamecube bombed. People are aware of it considering the amount of pissing and moaning people have done over Call of Duty (mainly, the Nintards). The problem with the video is 3-fold. Number 1, he implies that the world of the internet is not aware that their tastes are in minority opinion, so the only people he’s talking to is the Nintendo fans… which is a pointless endeavor because as long as one game makes it over the 1 million mark (Epic Yarn), then fuck all the facts, PROFIT WAS MAED! We don’t know how much to make a difference to Nintendo, but it’s good enough for those assbites to win their pointless debative crusades against “da haters“. There’s no point to explaining shit to Nintendo loyalists no matter how many facts you pull up. If people like BlackB0nd have trouble getting anything through their thick ass skulls, then a guy with a million subs (which he flaunts as if to establish his credibility) isn’t gonna make any difference.

Number 2. If you’re gonna tell Nintendo fans the truth that breaks the camel’s back, don’t puss out and start praising Nintendo for their past history. There’s NO data showing how influential their “innovative” motion and touch screen controls are. After all, that’s why every limp dick fuck that watches this video keeps praising it, yet there’s nothing about them innovative controls.  The Wii’s best selling games are majority-wise the ones that don’t emphasize the motion controls and are just decent games. Yes, Wii Sports/Fit are titles that baffle the fuck out of everyone, but looking at Brawl and NSMBW, even NSMBDS, the innovative controls have never been necessary in the first place. Just admit it. Innovation in ALL sectors don’t sell people (often). How in demand are innovative control schemes? Instead of looking on the internet and assuming innovation sold Wii’s and Nintendo games (a contradictory fact), you could poll some assholes on the street to get real information.

Going  step further, there’s nothing innovative about motion or touch screen controls in the first place. Shit like this has existed since the goddamn Power glove. Nintendo basically took advantage of it and made video games a little “cooler”. Driving controls with a motion controller isn’t innovative, but it feels smooth as hell. I can’t even look at Sonic Racing Transformed the same way as it’s prequel on the wii. Where they started fucking up was making certain game inconvenient by making titles like Skyward Sword and Metroid Corruption WORSE.  The point still stands that innovation doesn’t sell. Praising the Wii for innovating and “changing the industry” is a bald-faced lie. And again, I can’t help but wonder if this was mentioned just to deflect any criticism he might/will get from the religiously over-zealous nintards that will watch the video.

Number 3. Why thank you! As borderline retarded shit head, I was previously unaware of what football is. What kind of condescending asshole thinks that’s funny?

I think this video has gotten enough unwarranted attention.

2.

With my righteous and furious anger of Resident Evil 6, I had originally proclaimed to never again look to Resident Evil for survival horror. Unfortunately, my will is not that strong and even after Mikami left, I am still RE’s bitch. So hearing the hype around Revelations, I decided to pick it up and am fucking glad I am still it’s bitch. Revelations is fucking gooooooooood!

The most amazing thing about this title is that it is completely free of quick-time events! Now if that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is! Though I suppose being a handheld port, there be some perks to that aspect. I suppose Capcom figured Nintendo fans were “pussies” that couldn’t handle QTEs or something. But w/e, I’m happy as hell. Secondly, the game’s controls are actually good for once. Yes, it’s that same RE4 turd person element, but it actually feels improved. Unlike RE6’s weird ass control set up, your character’s movement while aiming is quite fast and smooth where as with 6 it was slow and clunky.

Other than that, melee attacks while not in aiming mode have been vastly improved. Instead of these slow attacks, your character has very quick attacks that have no hit stun but provide damage while you can move at the same time. Not to mention there’s no… fucking… STAMINA meter to look after! You can melee to your hearts content…. unless your enemies have quick mobility.

But the most important thing is that the game is actually scary. Not since RE3 has the series given me quite the shivers and tension that RE was known for up until now. Since then, I’ve been playing the games for story which is a bad thing. Story should not be the sole reason to play any game or else you might as well be watching youtube. This game, holy shit, all the moments I screamed “FUCKIN ASS” when some scary shit popped out had to have been a record.

The environments are also highly reminiscent of REmake’s mansion in regards to the residential cabins on the ship. There’s also a casino… for some reason. Basically, story is a ghost ship where Jill is tasked with investigating as well as trying to give the player a boner given the cleavage shot and tight swim suit that she wear for the whole mission just so we can see that she stole dat African booty as well.

Stupid Sexy Valentine!

Unfortunately, the game’s not perfect. While at first the game boasts what we’ve come to expect from Resident Evil games, ammo starvation and all, it goes into bullshit territory by requiring you to empty out your ammo reserves just to move on to the next area. Yes, the controls are actually suitable for combat for once, but that does not mean you make combat oriented challenges in the game. Sometimes in order to survive, you AVOID enemies. Plus,there’s lots of swimming involved, and I’ll be the one to say that swimming in 3D games have never been fun, but for some reason, developers are enamored by swimming in 3D. As if seeing underwater environments with ass controls are some sort of godsend. And the puzzles are still here (such as needing to turn on/off 3 different valves in 3 separate areas). Otherwise, if you need an RE fix, you can’t go wrong with Revelations. I assure you, you won’t be dissappointed, especially if you came off of RE6.

3.

Dumbass wants to make MOAR Nintendo DLC for Sonic’s Lost Mind.

I think this confirms that Lost Mind isn’t made for any audience and is simply a game that satisfies only Iizuka and Nintendo’s own tastes.

“Sonic Lost World is a title that only released on Nintendo hardware, which is an opportunity that I couldn’t believe, collaborating together. This time, the appearance is interesting, as combining Sonic into such a world is extremely foreign, and I wanted to aim at the unexpected.

“The team says that the music, sound and songs of The Legend of Zelda were entertaining to try and re-create and is now interested in working on more levels that allow it to collaborate with Nintendo.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or shit vomit. If anything proves how anti-consumer Lost Mind is, it is the DLC’s that do not fit within the context of Sonic the Hedgehog. Lets be frank. No one in the world wants Sonic to promote Nintendo’s bullshit. Not anymore at least, but this nutless moron sees a “creative opportunity” to make more Nintendo DLC. The dipshits who supported this out of some asinine desire to “show support for the company” aren’t even taken in consideration when these assholes are making the decisions. When people bitch and moan about how awful this assimilation is, what does Sega do? They want to make MORE of it! Great job, Nintendo! Not only was Sega bad at business decisions, you’ve poisoned them with your “in your face” attitude in lacking empathy for the customers and instead drown themselves in their own desires.

A company that moderately listened to their fans has now eaten the forbidden fruit of a company that has lost all motivation or desire to serve their customers. No, lets shove MORE shit that people don’t want into the series because YOU like it, and that makes it ok.

Iizuka and the rest of Sonic team has no idea they’re fucking the pooch by doing this. They’re offended by BRB’s retarded boom designs, but they find no problem shoving Nintendo IPs into Sonic and further destroy the franchise’s identity by assimilating it into games of a company rival!? When does the stupidity end!? Sonic was promoted as a Nintendo killer! That has been one of Sonic’s core trademarks since it’s conception. The other being speed and attitude. You’ve removed the attitude, you’ve removed the speed, and now you’re removing the will to compete against Nintendo.

Great job assholes, you’ve officially killed Sonic the Hedgehog.

You can’t blame this on Sonic Colors. No, you need to throw fire at that Olympics crap. That’s where this mess all started. All because Sega wants that Italian sausage.

Enjoy it while you can, you punk bitch.

It’s promoted alongside that goddamn Skyward Sword.

I’ve nothing to really say. My feelings for Nintendo DLC being in a Sonic game (or any game these days) is rather crude and obnoxious and makes no goddamn sense as far as I’m concerned, the game sure as hell didn’t sell for anyone to give a damn about it’s contents.

I’m most certain that anyone reading creams their pants at the thought of me admitting that this looks better than the Yoshi DLC so hell with it. It infact DOES. Not because there’s more effort put into it, mind you. It’s that content of Yoshi games do not fit the criteria of coolness and looks like shit no matter the format you put the game in. Zelda, in comparison, looks like a bucket of roses, but the inclusion of references to Skyward Sword offends me like no tomorrow. That game was absolutely horrid and is a prime example of why Nintendo needs new blood and to wash away the old farts who cling to bad games because of their own personal vendettas. Why in Mary Fuck wouldn’t you use something like Twilight Princess as an aesthetic template!? That game NEARLY saved the damn Zelda franchise from becoming irrelevant due to Aonuma’s surprising ability to reproduce, nevertheless find someone that thinks him attractive. I see the standards are low in Japan that making wooden dolls causes women to grow moist.

While it certainly looks better, Sonic couldn’t look anymore out of place. The inclusion of the tunic costume is…. honestly, I can’t even complain that much anymore. Big Red Button is doing much worse in the design department that it actually looks stupid enough to be funny. Still, wearing the garb of your enemy is always a red flag, but people seem to care less about this DLC than the Yoshi one. I think BK had something to do with it.

Still…. Skyward fucking Sword…. ugh. If there was a Star Fox DLC, I’ll bet yah NO ONE would have a problem with it.

 

*chuckles* Fart Pack.

Over the course of the Lost Mind meltdowns last year, I’ve come to realize that those 8 posts over the REAL reason people hate Sonic the Hedgehog…… is partially bullshit.

The one statement I will retract is that fans were to blame for any of the mess this franchise is in. The blame falls squarely on Sega’s shoulders. I apologize fully for those idiotic statements. Most of that was a bit of frustration over the constant demand from Sonic fans wanting Sonic to be overhauled to ridiculous extremes after 2006. Most of all, the desire to have Sonic become Mario. And now, you ALL know why.

Looking over Lost Mind’s content and odious bit of Nintendo themed DLC, it’s clear that Sega has completely abandoned Sonic fans for Amma knows what. They’re either targeting children or general Mario/Platformer fans (which is a broad range of age groups anyway) or having developer goals of making it easier to see rings again (haha). It’s either they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, or they don’t give a shit. Since Lost Mind bombed, it’s a clear indicator that no one wants a Nintendo/Sega partnership ever again, even the UK got tired of the Olympics bullshit. Why it happened in the first place obviously fell on Nintendo’s shoulders as they take everything the internet says as the gospel. The extra publicity from desperate Sonic fans was sure to boost their own fanbase’s numbers without any real hint of suspicion or doubt from the fandom at large. In the wake of 06’s demise, they would take anything. You have to admire how manipulative Nintendo is when it comes to targeting the internet fandoms. At least until they jacked up the prices.

I feel that the Yoshi’s Island DLC was Nintendo’s desire to troll Sonic fans. Nintendo is a VERY immature and spiteful company when concerning the internet. Most japanese developers are hateful of the internet. It’s like it’s in their blood. They can’t handle what some nameless nobodies on the internet are saying about their games. So what happens is (more often these days) is that they start making games to literally piss you off. Or as one guy puts it “IN YOUR FACE NINTENDO!

Apparently, Nintendo must’ve been PISSED that Lost Mind did not sell Mario Galazy to Sonic fans, and that Sonic fans actually FEARED the assimilation into Mario’s world. Thus, the Yoshi DLC was created. Sure, we could say they were advertising a new Yoshi game, but this kind of marketing is illogical and also quite dickish. Yoshi games simply do not sell. What more promotion would you need beyond those crappy Nintendo directs? If Sonic fans won’t buy Lost Mind, they damn sure won’t buy a Yoshi game. No one does, anyway. The Yoshi DLC makes absolutely no sense unless it is concerning Nintendo’s desire to “surprise” people.

This, actual Sonic fandom…. THIS is the kind of bullshit you’d have to deal with from Nintendo. This is a spiteful ass company that has no concern for improving a franchise they have little control over. And why should they? Nintendo has their own problems to worry about (their OWN games aren’t selling as well as they used to). I’ve said before that even though Sega does not care about Sonic games, to some extent, they take fan input into consideration. If the fans do not like something, they take that bullshit out. This is the one thing that baffles me about Sega. They show nothing but sheer animosity to the dirty American scum, but still listens to our fan input! It;s enough to make your balls explode in hysterical confusion!

You will NEVER have that kind of sway with Nintendo. If you don’t like Lost Mind, but this partnership continues, you will get MORE Lost Mind! Why is that? Because Nintendo, in the depths of their insanity and inflated sense of self-worth, will make some psychological diagnosis about you, the fandom, that says that you are incapable of understanding the fucking genius of that game! So, they will continue to make more Lost Minds until you just fucking accept it with open arms. If they wasted enough cheddar making a goddamn HD port of the one Zelda game that literally KILLED the Gamecube, you, Sonic fandom, will NEVER have a decent Sonic game again. If they made a game you actually like, they will kill it off and you will never see it again.

This is how Nintendo currently operates, and is a big reason why this partnership should’ve been protested. That… and of course the Sonic/Mario assimilation over conflict thing that no one wants to see. Sega, despite their rampant stupidity and anti-western consumer practices (PSO2 comes to mind ohhhh so much), they at least demonstrate the capacity to listen to complaints and concerns about quality, and every game seems to be a result of that. Sonic Unleashed, we like the day stages, hate the werehog, Sonic Colors is just the Day stages with a couple of stupid puzzles, not to mention reduced difficulty when all it is is not-aggravating level design, and removal of bullshit like that QTE infested tornado minigame. You see this in Rush Adventure where the game feels much better designed than the first. Enemy placement isn’t a pain in the ass, levels actually look like Sonic levels and not some random mesh of military bases at sea, in the air, and in space, and music actually sounds like Sonic music. Course… no one really complained about Rush but I digress. Sonic 4 Episode 2 fixes most of the flaws with the first episode, mainly the physics and whatnot. Sega despises their western fanbases but can’t seem to distinguish between western and Japanese complaints (hehe). Nintendo…. you’re lucky enough to get that much (the art style in TP saved Zelda alone!) After they’ve pleased you, they go RIGHT back into asshole mode where they try to force their intricate genius on you.

Nintendo is like Hollywood. Where good ideas and dreams die in their misguided desire to show the world their penis.

I’m still….laughing in the most insane way imaginable. I thought I would never see the day when people are actually demanding that Sega NEVER partner up with Nintendo again. It shows 1, the effects of Sonic 06’s horrible…ness are starting to wear off (the reason people wanted Sega to go to Nintendo was primarily because of Sonic 06 since Nintendo actually delays their games, for an eternity no less), and 2, shows that Nintendo is not this perfect company that can do no wrong. Nintendo is in a crisis where fucking MARIO isn’t selling their consoles. How the hell did anyone expect them to “save Sonic”?

It must be that anime portion of the fandom. Anime fans never believe in the concept of “redemption”. If one company fucks up one time, they lose faith almost instantaneously. The company has jumped the shark and they can never recover. After Sonic 06 (or was it Shadow?), the fandom saw that Sega was unfit to make a good Sonic game. So they looked to Nintendo to save the franchise. After Lost Mind, however, how will these fans perceive Nintendo now? Many of them are shell-shocked! Many will try to come up with excuses and create various forms of damage control (such as the redundant “Sonic is for kids” to gloss over it’s horrid content) or shift blame to poor sales of the console (How does one explain the horrid sales of Sonic Colors, I wonder?).

What I find funny about all of this is that people find more good ideas in Sonic 06 than they can in Lost Mind. They cannot find a damn thing positive about Lost Mind! What does tat really say? That it’s just another shallow game, or is proof that Nintendo’s direction has been wrong all along? No one is willing to admit that because Super Mario Galazy is far too overrated and praised over the internet. Despite all the proof that the galazy direction has also been wrong for Mario, no one is willing to admit it.

Not one bit criticism has been thrown Nintendo’s way since Lost Mind bombed, however. Same thing happened when Other M bombed (it’s ALL Team Ninja’s fault!). Oh No, Nintendo can never do any wrong! If you noticed, every development decision is completely and utterly “un-Sega”. The update that removes the need for touch-based wisp powers is proof of this. Sega never thought touch screen controls would make a better Sonic game (they’ve had 4 games to experiment beyond minigames, they didn’t find touch controls at ALL interesting considering how simplistic they were). It’s abnormal to suddenly have an interest in gaming technology that has existed for well over 8 years. They never did anything ambitious with touch screen technology beyond some weird ass dating sim (I think). It would have to be Nintendo’s idea because, as publishers of the game, they would need to show the “value” of that piece of shit controller! How are the touch controls on All-Stars Racing Transformed? Right, you actually have OPTIONS for controls! Nintendo games BARELY have options for controllers outside of Smash Bros. or games they don’t care about.

Sega never had a problem with good graphics (Sega was ALWAYS about good graphics, so simplifying the design makes absolutely no sense to them). Has any Nintendo brand game thus far taken any real advantage of the Pii U’s HD capabilities? All of them that came out right now look like they could’ve been done on the Wii (goddammit, this BS3 is making me a graphics whore. I don’t even have an HD tv, I just know Ratchet and Clank games look like sex in comparison to the Pikmin.) The decision to make Lost Mind have a simplified art/graphics style would have to have been Nintendo’s demands. Nintendo has such wild ass ideas about what makes a good game. Good graphics would not be an equation because, as you can see, out of all games they ported over, they used fucking Wind Breaker for an HD remake. WWHD is so simple to port over to HD because it is the most simplified graphical Zelda game known to mankind!

Why the overly simple and kiddy villains like the 6 deadly retards (based off crappy Japanese demons?). Sega is such a whore for western mythology. The most Japanese inspired stuff they have is modern day stuff like Yakuza. Japanese culture weirdness is usually kept out of Sega games outside of Yakuza (and Phantasy Star Universe). It would have to be Nintendo’s idea because they put Japanese shit into FUCKING ZELDA AND METROID (The 3 dragons in Skyward Sword are the most Asian looking mother fuckers I’ve ever seen. And don’t get me started on how japanese Wind Waker looks).

There are more design aspects that point to Nintendo’s raping of the series rather than Sega. The Yoshi (and upcoming Zelda) DLC is more than just a mere confirmation. The bizarre desire for Iizuka to attract a completely different audience for a franchise he (and everyone else at Sega) despises is not Sega, but Nintendo’s dick. If you wanted Mario fans, you can easily make an entirely different platforming series. You don’t use a series you don’t care about especially since it doesn’t appeal to the Japanese in general. Sega is crazy, infuriating, and spiteful, but they aren’t that stupid. Nintendo on the other hand has been making illogical production decisions since 2009-10 with Wii Music and Other M being the spear headers for Wii’s decline. They’re lucky that 3DS is doing “just average” at this point.

The Olympics games had been on a steady decline since the first entry. The first game was a mere novelty, finally we have Sonic and Mario in the same game together! But as you can see, people were clamoring for a REAL crossover ever since Brawl brought those 2 into conflict with other. It never fucking happened. Why? It’s not like Sega isn’t into fanservice, after all the All-Star racing games are all about wetting a Sega nerd’s whistles. But Nintendo is all about trying to be “different” and about “surprises”. It wouldn’t be surprising to see a REAL Mario and Sonic crossover, one that actually has a CLASH between both universes. But we’re ALL surprised at that fucking Yoshi DLC. And no one liked that surprise, did ya?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Be careful for what you wish for. Mark my words, knowing how these bastards operate, you will NOT get that REAL Mario/Sonic crossover. Platformer, fighting game, what may have you. Smash Bros. is the closest you will ever get.

 

Alright, time for the tyrannical Obamacare to rape your wallets!

There’s nothing I love more when shill fansites give up on propaganda and just lay out the salty ass truth for all to bare. A lost year indeed. And yet, the statement is still full of shit.

Sonic Lost World embodies, in many ways, the year that was for Sonic fans. It was unsure of itself, far from perfect–even mediocre at times–and while it was there it never performed the way anyone hoped. 2013 showcased more than a lost world; it was a lost direction, a lost opportunity, and truly a lost year.

How can that be? It’s not like we haven’t seen significant philosophical changes on many fronts; at least attempts at improvement.

“How can it be”, he says. Ray Charles could have 20/20 vision forecasting how much of a failure that game was going to be the moment those silhouettes were revealed. The announcement of 6 deadly retards and a trailer featuring a less than spectacular first level and the reveal of a candy land removed all doubt that no one was going to dig it. If people played Sonic for candy land, you’d see a much bigger line at Gamestop for that waste of shelf space.

The more news that rolled out with Lost Mind, the lower the expectations that everyone had for the game. At least with Colors and Generations, people were damned interested and proclaiming that the games would save Sonic, and they could say that with a straight face. People’s feelings were conflicted with Lost Mind every step of the way. They knew deep down that’s not the shit they wanted in Sonic games. Philosophical changes, indeed. But were they GOOD changes is the question you should be asking. Seeing the lacking success of this title, the answer is obvious.

Sega and Nintendo, once bitter enemies in the beginning of the console wars, have forged newer, closer ties than ever. Whether that has truly benefited Sega and its bottom line remains to be seen.

Remains to be seeTHE NEWS WAS OUT THAT THE GAME WAS A FAILURE! What benefit does underselling fucking Sonic 06 have for Sega at this very moment?! This game more than anything shows that a partnership with Nintendo is DANGEROUS for Sega. Even the Olympics game has flopped, and that series was previously a decent seller.

There’s no sugar-coating that fact. When the official Sega forums filled to the brim with shills are admitting the game is a failure, there is no point in trying to hand out misinformation. Hell, no one is even bringing up the low install base for Pii U as an excuse for why the game bombed, everyone is pointing out it’s own natural flaws. That is the funniest shit you could ever imagine.

Perhaps I’m just stubborn; perhaps I just don’t want to see Sonic succeed under these circumstances because of that war. But back in the 90s, Sonic was always modeled as the anti-Mario, the blue dude with attitude that would run circles around worlds and ideas a virtual plumber wouldn’t touch. With various highs and lows, the formula basically worked on its own for 20 years–even as Sega exited the console business. Now, to potentially see the fate of a once powerful flagship mascot rest on the success of a one-time competitor’s flailing console worries me. It should worry everyone. Talk of Nintendo expanding its reach beyond their own systems has been around for some time now; what if it happens? Will Sonic be forced back into a multiplatform marketplace more competitive than ever? Can he still compete against all the Call of Duties and Battlefields and Maddens and Grand Theft Autos and any number of high budget, high marketed fare?

This was a beautiful statement. This is how all Sega fans felt with Sega’s constant nut riding desire to save the Pii U. It’s a justified fear that none should feel ashamed of admitting. People naturally want things to succeed on their own merits. It’s the same reason people hate localizations of anime because too much shit gets changed, and people will never know what really was. It’s also the same reason that executive meddling in the entertainment world is frowned upon, even if it is a necessary evil at times (cause damn sure Nintendo needs to be meddled with). It’s the reason people kept getting annoyed with all the dipshits that kept suggesting that if Sonic took Mario’s ideas, it would once again be a good franchise (while turning around and bemoaning Sonic Unleashed for taking ideas from God of War no less).

Sonic provided a game series with the “Technodreamworld” that I enjoyed. That neon tinted scifi shit combined with some of the most elaborately designed worlds up until the rise of Shitzuka was something I looked forward to seeing in this series. Was damned excited to see that back in Sonic Colors.

Nintendo creates GENERIC worlds for Mario games all… the damn…. time. Tis not something I would want for Sonic especially since Iizuka is focused on making generic worlds. Lost Mind is a taste of generic world building. It’s not even based on logic!

As for being able to compete against Call of Duty and such, that’s NEVER gonna happen this day in age. Yes, CODG sold significantly less than previous titles, but that’s a natural thing for sequels, they never tend to outsell their previous entries. Call of Duty is still popular, however. Sonic isn’t. And GTA? Keep dreaming.

Even once longtime foe Super Mario is now struggling to make a mark for himself these days, something I never thought would be a problem. If the proud Mario franchise is struggling, how can the Sonic series, in confidence, be considered a success today?

By making 2D Mario, just as with making 2D Sonic. But not just that, making them with actual fucking care would be GREAT start. NSMBU is the epitome of no fucks to give, I’m insulted for simply supporting that series. Nintendo decided to show us their asshole and lick it while they put features……. actually, I’ve rambled enough about Nintendo’s deceit and underhanded tactics of trying to steer people away from certain games. Sonic 4 E2 was a pretty decent game in comparison. It actually served people’s demands on what they wanted to see in a sequel aside from length. Why didn’t NSMBU do that? Because Nintendo cares more about their fucking ambition.

But anywho, Mario isn’t even in the worst shape like Sonic is. People still buy Mario games for some clinically insane reasoning. Sonic is lucky to get a million buyers for ANY game that comes out these days. Sonic being in the 3rd party boat pits it in competition with too many franchises with better quality control while Nintendo can screw everyone out of their sector and collect marketshare for themselves. Sonic is a royally screwed franchise in more ways than one, but it’s even worse when the company doesn’t bother to put in the extra effort to make sure they can actually compete with the GTAs and the like. They don’t even try. And that’s the sad part. If you’re retarded enough to think Lost Mind had effort put into the game, you’re more delusional than a Nintard.

I should really look into what went into Sega’s mind when they made Sonic 4 E2. A company that doesn’t give a fuck about Sonic shouldn’t have had the capacity to make a decent Sonic game like that in 2012.

If anything, there’s plenty of skepticism. Not that many attended the annual Sonic Boom event–having it in a city riddled with crime doesn’t help much–and as for the Sonic Boom TV announcement, too many took a look at what’s believed to be a redesigned Knuckles silhouette and feared the worst.

Shit I don’t care about.

I suppose one could look at the tens of millions of downloads of Sonic Dash as a start. There are plenty, including myself, who wonder if it’s a curse more than a blessing. That Sega can capitalize on what is, in effect, ripping off others’ ideas, as simple and marketable as they may be, gives cause to wonder if this is the true direction of Sonic going forward: Making the most off of menial and arguably unimaginative mobile mini-games. It would be a shot in the gut to both Christian Whitehead and Simon Thomley–both to them and to ourselves–to see their incredible efforts this year remastering classic Sonic titles for mobile take a backseat to apps riddled with ads, bugs, and endless begging to buy more rings.

Hmm… was it honestly that successful? Eh, could be, it seems like a cheap game.

It’s not simply “ripping off ideas”. It’s all in context. Sonic Dash actually makes sense for Sonic. Temple Run and Sonic? ZING! Not to mention Temple Run is incredibly overrated, maybe not angry birds overrated, but close. Who the fuck wants to play Sonic for YOSHI ISLAND DLC!? Temple Run is essentially a simpler version of Unleashed’s Day stages anyway. Sonic is a character known for super speed action, so having the titular character…….. RUN in a game as it’s main ounce of gameplay makes fucking perfect sense in comparison to Werehog.

Maybe God of War just isn’t that popular, just as with Mario Galazy. If people don’t buy Sonic games to see GOW or SMG, but are willing to buy Sonic for Temple Run, then clearly there’s something wrong with those games. But of course, who buys Sonic games to see it rip off other games badly?

But in a way, we are fortunate the Taxman/Stealth combo emerged in the first place. With such miscommunication and lack of communication between Sega divisions, it’s a wonder any games are released at all.

I’ll say.

Clearly, Sega of Japan is calling the shots, and though how much Sega West’s hands are tied isn’t exactly known, it’s never a good sign when the continuation of entire franchises outside of Japan can only be seen as bones thrown to the most diehard. Hatsune Miku, admittedly, was a good start. There’s at least some emerging evidence that Phantasy Star Online 2 is not completely dead in the West. But Yakuza seems out of the question, and many are now worried about the Atlus franchises, and perhaps Atlus’s US division itself, in the wake of Sega Sammy’s acquisition.

In other words. Sega fans are fucked.

Don’t even get me started on PSO2, that shit is as good as dead in the west.

*Something something about the Archie comics*

Damn, I haven’t read a Sonic comic since 2000 when the Knuckles comics were merged into the Sonic ones…

Sega is lost.

For the West, at least. Japan will be easily blessed with all the shit we want, and they still won’t buy their games.

I know this year has been a bit of a reserved one for us, and that’s something I would like to change in the new year. Though I conceded a few years ago that I, too, needed to change, I know I’m not there yet, and I along with the rest of the team hope to continue to earn your trust and understanding. Though it does get snarky around here a lot of times, we know the good that exists in this community and in each other, and we know that, with the right kind of spotlight, it can harbor plenty of good–even in the face of despair.

That’s the gayest shit I’ve ever read. It’s like the guy feels ashamed for how the site is turning out. People like snark. It’s why the “angry reviewers” get so many views despite the senseless and forced rambling about simple shit like the goddamn camera.

Is the site getting less traffic than usual? That’s not your fault, Sonic games are not interesting anymore. So there’s less interest in the franchise overall. You’re not gonna get much traffic based on a series with no appeal. Bomberman forums prematurely die for good reason. Oh look, I demonstrated forced rambling!

Anywho, with the comments once again being delusional as usual, here’s my end of the year statement 2 days all after the fact.

The Sonic franchise, as we know it, is dead. It’s something I’ve come under fire for saying multiple times, but it’s the honest truth. After Lost Mind, I have no faith in this franchise. I have less desire to talk about Sonic games than bad anime (watching Code Geass for some reason, god damn Suzaku is a piece of Mary Sue shit. I can see why there are so many fan wars about that asswipe). And besides that, if what this fool said about Sonic Dash is true, then all we can honestly look forward to is a bunch of mobile games with awful touch screen controls because stupid teenagers who can’t stop buying those goddamn Ipods dig the fuck out of them. Hell, at least the devices are cheaper than a console.

But anywho, the other thing you could probably look forward to are fangames, but we all know deep down that fangames do not have the same effect on us as do console games. Yes, they’re better than official sega games, but you always find yourself asking the question “why couldn’t the big dogs make a game like this!?”. And what happens is you end up hating the companies even more. I’m playing Sonic Fusion and I’m thinking “damn, I have no reason to play Sonic 4 anymore” even though I want to avoid the carpel tunnel. I mean… you just feel a bit of an emptiness inside knowing that…. we have to fend for ourselves if we want quality Sonic games. That is a damn shame. I mean sure, it shows that we don’t need to rely on the big dogs for quality Sonic titles, but at the same time, we shouldn’t fucking have to! They get into this business to serve us, and what happens is we end up having to serve ourselves instead. And Sega is such an asshole company that they’ll shut down fangames if they see fit (Streets of Rage anyone?). So it’s like they won’t serve us, and then they DENY us the ability to serve us. Ain’t that a bitch?

The amazing thing about this, despite how dead the franchise is…. it’ll still have fans regardless. People will still make fan comics, parodies, fan fictions, etc. If people love the series even after 7 years of mind shattering mediocrity, criticism, trolling, and all kinds of frustration, then dammit Sonic must be a damn special franchise. That’s love right there. I don’t care how gay that sounds, it’s really amazing that people will still remain fans of a series with the absolute worst reputation it could get, and take the abuse that comes with it. I want to avoid comparing Sonic to Michael Jackson, but the parallels are all too real. It was on top of the world, and then came crashing down with all the media crucification that comes with it. And yet…. people still stand by it. Especially when it comes to video games. People are NASTY when it comes to video games. Especially franchises from the 90s going forward. I don’t even see many people upset about Mega Man’s death, or Resident Evil being a decayed series. People who love Sonic still hold on to the series with hope and faith that at some point… at some time… it will get fixed. And, if I must admit something, I said the same exact thing when I played 06 for the first time. That the series was dead to me. That I would never touch Sonic again. Yet, here I am enjoying S4E2. I can’t quit this series no matter how much shit I talk. Unless… you know… they sell it off to Nintendo.

Sonic being “saved” is probably gonna take a looooooooong time. Decades, even. It’s not gonna be some overnight thing, something about Sega has to be inherently changed from the inside out. When that happens, I will never know. But, rest assured, it will happen. Management isn’t some permanent thing no matter how much Japan wants it to be.

I’m always amazed at how quickly people want to shush out any “drama” regarding the Yoshi Island DLC from Lost Mind. As if the subject of content is not worthy of discussion. I’m aware that Nintendo fans can’t really say much about DLC because they never had true online outside of pokemon (haha), but jokes aside, DLC has always been a controversial topic for any game. Not just how it’s handed out, but what the contents are. DLC, no matter how much I want to deny it, has the power to extend the life out of a single game as it builds on what you love about the game you bought (and then got bored of I suppose).

Yoshi’s Island builds on NOTHING about what anyone loves about Sonic Lost Mind (if it’s loved at all). It makes people run away in fear. That said, it’s easy to see why no one wants to talk about it, though. Yoshi’s Island simply isn’t interesting. Period. It’s a clear testament to how unpopular Yoshi really is.

But it should be discussed on the matter that it is threatening Sonic the Hedgehog. And that’s no bullshit. I wonder how many comments will read “LOL THREATENING WTF”.

First off, I’ve had a problem with Sonic being the corporate ad-whore for a long time.

Sonic has the most appearances in this film, I swear.

Wait, can’t say this because “corporations always take advantage of whatever is popular to draw in more people”. It happens all the time. Oh wait, Sonic’s not popular anymore, WHY THE FUCK IS HE BEING A WHORE!?

It’s something that baffles me. Sonic is used to promote shit like car insurance. Why? It just seems like an arbitrary thing to do. I mean for Cheerios like back in the day “RACE FOR THE TASTE!” cause it’s food. It’s a consumer item. Car insurance? That’s something you need to actually THINK about. And what I really find funny is that everyone is all about kids, but a commercial about car insurance is for adults only, so why is a “Kid’s icon” in an adult commercial about car insurance?

Wretched Ralph, it’s not so much the movie, but the fact that Sonic seems specifically attached to Ralph and Disney for no good reason. I mean afterall, Ralph gets a guest appearance in no other game than Sonic and Sega Racing Transformed. All I can ask is why? Who wanted Ralph’s bitch ass in this game?

He’s not a Sega character, hell he’s not even a REAL video game character. Course neither is Danica Patrick, but I have no idea why that bitch is in either. Does anyone even care about these 2 people!? Where was the demand for these 2 characters? It makes even less sense considering the non-existent popular of the Sonic Racing series altogether and exclusive presence on HD consoles makes the sequel pretty inaccessible to a plethora of people

Yeah, pointless rambling, right? Wrong. The question is why is Sonic general being used to promote products and/or media that have nothing to do with Sonic? Especially given when the Sonic series is in the shitter? I can understand why Comic book super heroes are being used to promote shit that doesn’t involve them like the Avengers (shit is EVERYWHERE now), but Sonic? Sonic isn’t appealing this day in age. Using him to promote product is illogical. Unless there is a stigma amongst marketers in which hardcore gamers will buy anything as long as it caters to their gaming “culture” in some way, it makes no sense. And I say this because while Sonic is busy sponsoring other companies, Sonic fans get shit. It bugs the fuck out of me that the most Sonic fans can look forward to is Sonic going around promoting everyone else’s bullshit while we can’t even get a decent game. I mean back with the Cheerios commercials and back packs and shit, that was ok because we were still getting some fucking awesome games out of the deal. But now? What’s the point? “Oh look, Sonic and Amy made a cameo in the simpsons” who gives a shit? Are we gonna get actual quality again?

So you got a franchise that is, for all intents and purposes, maggot food in which marketers from other companies can simply dance around the grave? I know it’s too soon but think about it like Paul Walker. We already got an advertisement for Fast 6’s DvD release and it hasn’t even been a month… and already those cock-suckers are trying to make money off the corpse! “Paul Walker Trust fund” or some shit. Eh….. I just know that example will make some one rage. “How DARE he compare a bad actor to a video game character!”

But see that’s the thing. The franchise is simply not popular anymore, and Sega is NOT intent on delivering quality Sonic games, and are killing the franchise as we speak. No company in the world has respect for video games, nonetheless Sonic of all games. Turning Sonic into some universal promotion tool is asinine and quite frankly makes my piss boil. Cause what does that really do for Sonic fans in the end? At this point, we all know Sega really isn’t hurting (that badly, I suppose). They got all the cheese for a restaurant (literally and figuratively), they got cheese for Phantasy Star and Yakuza (shit, the fucking spinoff Dead Souls has more “soul” than Sonic Generations), and they got the lawyers for youtube  (they’re at it again, btw.) What does Sega hope to gain from these moves when all they do is shit on Sonic anyway? Is it some half-hearted attempt to appeal to hardcore gamer stupidity by saying “we still care, don’t be mad at us”?

……Well, it does make for some funny parodies, I’ll admit.

All I’m saying is focus on fixing Sonic instead of having the blue bastard tell people “hey, I’m shit, but totally go out and buy some rip off car insurance!” Sonic fans LOVE cheerios, but they’re not focused on car insurance.

That reminds me. I actually read this smart ass remark on facebook recently (Think it was that SA3 page with everyone losing their shit over the “White Jesus” remark hehehehehehe). What was it uh… am I mad that Sonic is in Brawl?

Funny thing about that. Sonic “worked” for Brawl for a large majority of reasons that Yoshi’s Island does not.

One, Smash Bros. is already a crossover game that not only features Mario but tons of other Nintendo characters for the chance to beat the literal shit out of each other. Shit, they invited Solid fucking Snake. Secondly, Sonic was heavily DEMANDED for Brawl, unlike Yoshi’s Island DLC which was thrown in there for shameless promotion. And you wanna know why? It should be obvious.

Who the fuck would want to miss the opportunity to have Sonic and Mario beat the shit out of each other? AM I RIGHT!?

That is the PRIMARY REASON people wanted Sonic in Brawl. The crossover dream match that EVERYONE dreamed of. Not this piddly ass “friendship” from gay ass Olympic games that people got fed up with. No, Mario and Sonic are in it for BLOOD! That’s why people LOVED when Sonic got into Brawl, and partially why people don’t mind his second inclusion in Smash 4. Cause now you got Sonic with MEGA MAN! …….Still would’ve preferred MMX…

No one can deny this is the reason people wanted Sonic in Brawl was to have Sonic fight Mario. You can’t bullshit anyone on it. Even Nintendo of America knew that was the reason.  Look at the US release trailer from back in 08.

Look at the very end of that trailer in which you find Sonic and Mario clashing. THAT is the crossover people really want.

You know why? Because it has everything to do with “branding“.

Sonic was created to show off the hardware of the Sega Genesis, but was (maybe indirectly) branded as a “Mario Killer”. Everything about Sega was branded as a “Nintendo Killer”. Part of Sonic’s Branding is being a polar opposite to Mario. And this was going on for a long time up until the Dreamcast ended, so naturally people thought the rivalry was over when Sonic started popping up on Nintendo consoles.

So why did people care so much about having Sonic in Brawl to beat Mario to shit? Because that rivalry is still relevant to why people give a damn about Sonic to this very day (and I know some Nintard trolls are gonna use that). I mean shit, when you’ve got a character branded to be a “Mario killer” AND grab up marketshare at the same time, that shit leaves an impact on people. Cause lets face it. Nintendo owned everything at the time. The NES was a juggernaut. Then Sonic and the Genesis (and Kalinske) came about and crumbled their empire. Sonic had The power to make a God bleed.

Actually, lets back up. Why do people care about Mega Man being in Smash 4? I don’t ever recall Mega Man being branded as a competitor to Super Mario Bros. Capcom never made their own console to compete against Nintendo. If anything, Bomberman is more appropiate as Hudson made the PC Engine (exclusive to Japan, mind you). Capcom only had arcade boards but never their own console. Deep down, people feel that Mega Man games were on par or of better quality than Super Mario Brothers as well? Capcom IS the only 3rd party company to meet Nintendo half-way on their own turf. Street Fighter 2 and all. So… yeah, I guess Mega Man’s fan support makes sense (plus the lack of Mega Man service from Capcom was making them thirsty). So if fans think Mega Man, Mario, and Sonic should all be involved in a free-for-all, then deep down, people felt that Mega Man was a competitor to Mario as well despite being a 3rd party character through and through.

And that IS the case. Making a “platformer” (and I use that term lightly) on a Nintendo console means competing with Nintendo for platformer fans. So putting a Mega Man game (like say Mega Man 9) on the Wii means having a Mega Man game compete against New Super Mario Bros. (both operating from the same mentality of retro throwback solidifies the competition).

So if Mega Man was considered a rival for Mario despite not ever representing a console he called home, why the fuck are people so desperate, determined, and above all HORNY AS FUCK to squash the beef between Mario and Sonic!? You cannot separate the series from it’s origins no matter how much you’re tired of hearing about that rivalry. All these pussies going on about “NINTENDO AND SEGA ARE FRIENDS, TIMES HAVE CHANGED”  can get fucked for all I care. Times can change all they want, but human nature has all the time in the world to stagnate. People LOVE this rivalry and they want to keep it alive.

And I love the expression of how “kids these days will never know about the 90s rivalry or care, so stop buggin us about it”. Mother fuckers, the kids don’t even know the damn franchise exists. The ONLY people who pay attention to the Sonic now are the same people who LIVED during that heated rivalry (Or jumped in during the 3d stuffs, w/e). 20 years AIN’T that fucking long of a gap! If I ain’t wrinkled yet and still breathing then I STILL want Sonic living up to his branding! It ain’t like DC and Marvel where they’re ANCIENT in comparison, people keep going around saying “gaming is still young”. If that’s the case, then dammit, WE are still young!

What…. does this all…….have to do with the Yoshi’s Island DLC? It’s a spit in the face of the people that still give a damn about Sonic’s Branding. This is the Identity of the Sonic Series. And it is at stake. And no, it’s not just because of the DLC.

No it’s not like Kratos or Freddy in Mortal Kombat 9.
No it’s not like Link or Spawn in Soul Calibur 2
No it’s not like Darth Vader or Yoda in Soul Calibur 4, or Ezio in 5
No it’s not like Cole, Taro, or Kuro in Street Fighter X Tekken.
No it’s not like Akira, Pai, Jacky, or Sarah in DOA5U.
No it’s not like Sepheroth in Castlevania Judgment.
And no, it’s not even like Ralph or random nascar bitch no one cares about.

All of those games have something in common. The guest appearances/promotions, whatever…. they appear in games which maintain a semblance of their own identity regardless of their presence. Soul Calibur doesn’t give a shit that Link is fighting with a “Gay Pink Fairy Sword”, Astaroth is still Astaroth regardless. Shit, Kratos fits right in Mortal Kombat. When playing any of those games….. you still know… it’s Mortal Kombat. You still FEEL… that it’s DOA (in more ways than one).

I don’t need to tell you, the fanbase doesn’t need to tell you, the critics don’t need to tell you, youtube doesn’t need to tell you, trolls don’t need to tell you. Sonic’s Lost Mind is a goddamn Mario Galazy clone. You don’t feel Sonic playing this game. You see it with all the gimmicks and arbitrary badniks, but all in all, that is nooooooo Sonic game. Everyone knows it. Even ur mom knows it.  The Yoshi’s Island DLC is pouring salt on an open wound. It just rings it on home that Lost Mind was made to coddle the people stupid enough to pay 300+ bucks for a Pii U. A blatant confirmation, if you will, that it is a game that doesn’t bother to rely on Sonic’s own merits beyond cheap imitation imagery. And the DLC is used to sell you Yoshi and Zelda.

Sonic fans get shit.

And you know the divine comedy of it all? Nintendo knows you’re stupid enough to let it slide.

These companies don’t really care about Sonic, they use it to boost themselves. What do you think Nintendo is doing? Using the MarioXSonic rivalry to boost interest in their own games. The Olympic shit isn’t even about the rivalry and is more about them collaborating in sporting events. But people got suckered in for the crossover (and people got tired of getting burned). But Nintendo knows how to swindle hardcore gamers into playing their games. They keep this “game” running just so they bring you back in. Nintendo knows hardcore gamers are easy to manipulate. They’ve been manipulated so much on the HD console side of things, now they support that bullshit EULA in saying “WE DON’T OWN THE GAMES WE PAID OUT THE ASS FOR!” Nintendo treats Sonic as something they can ride the coattails on to sucker in desperate Sonic fans looking to them to “fix up everything” when all they’re doing is making things worse.

People have let Nintendo get away with so much up until now that Nintendo thinks they can get away with ass fucking Sonic. Sad part is they probably will since no one cares about the state of that franchise aside from the fans. But seeing as all corporations are operating from a dictator mindset at this point (they’re all just my little pawns to manipulate), we are powerless to stop the ass fucking. Nintendo is not a company that listens to business sense. Pikmin 3 exists, afterall. Lost Mind failing means nothing to them.

Oh well, Sonic Fan Games, here I come. Dat Fusion shit is niiiiiiiiice.

*sigh* I miss Rouge

I just wanna post this because I would love for Sankofa to add something about all the Sonic fans bitching about people bitching about this because……it’s free:
http://www.tssznews.com/2013/12/18/yoshis-island-dlc-released-for-sonic-lost-world/comment-page-1/#comments

Aw geez, I’ve already got influenza, I think you’re trying to kill me now!

The more I see shit like this, the more I desire to quit gaming. Nintendo is literally using Sonic to promote shitty Yoshi’s Island? And then a Zelda themed level next year? “Sonic’s Lost Mind” proves to be the accurate title once again.

One has to question the desire to make a Yoshi’s Island level for Lost Mind. Last I checked, no one cares about the Yoshi spin off series. Using another franchise hardly anyone cares about to promote a series no one cares about is an oxy moron. Secondly, everything about this level screams “uncool”. The need to rescue Yoshis are you fucking stupid!?

Another thing I find funny is that Nintendo and Sega kept going on about not knowing how to do a cross over between Mario and Sonic because they play differently, but here we see Sonic being slow as molasses and using his “weird” shit to defeat enemies.

 

If Nintendo has proven anything, it’s that they do not care about a series identity. Anything they publish usually gets neutered in some way. Bayonetta getting a haircut probably had more to do with her hair being her body suit, but that’s no longer the case as her suit is completely detached. I knew something was fishy when MGS Twin Snakes had a Yoshi and Mario doll in one of the offices. I’m still trying to figure out how Capcom managed to avoid having Nintendo retardify their Resident Evil games. But Sonic with Yoshi and Zelda content? There’s no words to describe how utterly ridiculous this is getting. There are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed.

When Black Knight came out, people despised how Sonic was “ripping off Zelda”.  Yet people are defending Zelda DLC? Since when was it ok to champion assimilation but not imitation? But of course, the Nintards masquerading as Sonic fans are “ok” with this because anything with Nintendo’s identity is automatically brilliant.

The whole “Free and Optional DLC” argument is nothing new, but as with all Nintards, it is an argument used inappropiately because they don’t understand (or give a shit about) what the problem is. They’re looking at it from a consumer point of view rather than a principal. When the complaints are about a MarioXSonic assimilation, telling people that it’s “Free and Optional” comes off rather obnoxiously. The price (if any) can never be used to justify anything. Into the Nexus costing only 30 bucks doesn’t change the fact that it’s a crappy game. It’s like getting a gift for christmas that you don’t like. Just because it cost you nothing doesn’t mean you automatically like it. Gamers seem to believe the amount of money you pay equates to the value of the product. If that’s the case, the Yoshi themed DLC holds no value. You can’t complain about something with no value! Of course, no one has to DL the DLC. And no one will because no one bought the game. What is truly wrong with this mentality is that it pervades every facet of life. If you pay 5 bucks for work gloves and they break, you can’t complain because they were “cheap”. Nevermind that cheaper no-brand foods have less chance of killing you than the big name brands and still taste just as mother fucking good.

If you’ve been playing video games for the last 7 years on HD consoles, you should know that a price-tag dictates nothing of value because as far as I’m concerned, no game on HD console is of any value, that combined with getting butt-fucked by tyrannical publisher practices makes them not worth it. Free DLC is in the same boat. Metal Gear Rising’s DLC side stories are of very little value, being that they were short levels treading familiar ground. Did we need to know why Sam joined Armstrong? Or the robot dog’s past life? Being free just means you won’t feel ripped off in the end if you end up hating it. But again, this is not thing issue. The issue is the apparent assimilation of Sonic into Mario.

For a Sonic game, it would’ve been more appropiate (on every level) to put in a Sonic themed level rather than Nintnedo themed one. But of course, that would be promoting Sonic’s history rather than Nintendo’s history. And more and more, Nintendo seems more obsessed with teaching the history of their games rather than making them. Look at Nintendo Land and tell me that’s not whoring out Nintendo History. Why the Pilotwings level in Smash 4 when no one liked Pilotwings? Smash Bros. used to pick out all the cool stuff from their past games, now they put anything “Nintendo brand” and just slap it on. We NEVER needed a pictochat stage in Brawl. Ever. Nintendo’s vanity is so overreaching that it takes control of Nintendo’s own common sense in saying “wait, did people even use Pictochat on the DS?”. Nintendogs, why bother!? They used Brawl just to promote Nintendo’s history, not to make a fun and competent game, and the same is happening in Smash 4. With Sonic, it’s the same thing, only more obnoxiously.

What I predict will happen is that, eventually, Sega will sell off Sonic to Nintendo. We all know they don’t care about Sonic enough to prevent it from being used to promote Nintendo’s fucking history. Did Sonic need to come back for Smash 4, a game that is all about Nintendo’s history and vanity? That should be a clue. Sonic is all a part of Nintendo’s history now with all the buttfucking going on. What kind of history? Nintendo’s rival mascot from the 90’s. Hell, if they were insane enough to include a peripheral device as a character in Brawl simply because it skyrocketed the NES to success, then they would include Sonic as the mascot rival they barely managed to beat. But they’ll leave out the part where they relied on a western dev to help make that a reality.

 

 

Lost Mind patched so Color powers work with analog controls.

This is hilarious. A feature that Nintendo worked so hard on for their console is once again admitted to be useless and cumbersome. It’s a wonder why they forced Color powers to be played with touch screen support at all. Even Colors DS didn’t use the touch screen.

What really gets me though is the patch also gives you a life up for every 100 rings you collect. You’re fucking serious!? You have to patch in a SERIES STAPLE!? Why on Earth is this element NOT even in the game in the first place!? I don’t know any Sonic game that does not have this feature (well, except maybe Unleashed. They had a very funky lives system I believe).

Perhaps Sega shouldn’t be asking if touch screen controls are good for Sonic and start asking their doctors if Piracetam is right for them.

So delectable.

I can see right now, those writers are so fired.

Before I take a hiatus from Sonic posts (because Amma knows this series has become damn near UNINTERESTING to write about nowadays), I have to take a moment and marvel at this oh-so stunning revelation amongst the Sonic fandom. That’s right. Something we REAL Sega fans figured out long before this interview was posted.

According to this view, Pontac and Graf know jack shit about Sonic the Hedgehog (no surprise there), but that’s not what pisses people off. What’s become so revealing is that the writers had to look up information about the series…… on goddamn wikipedia. SEGA THEMSELVES did not provide any real info for them to go on? Strange. Though I’d have to wonder what their train of thought was when they did lines for Sonic Generations, that game alone is one big ass history lesson, and until I get some confirmation about how much communication the writers had for Madworld, it’s the best clue enough to know SOJ don’t give no damns about Sonic the Hedgehog. And everyone is freaking out about this.

I love when the fandom gets smacked right in their upper story, forcing the reality of the situation that SOJ does not give a rats ass about Sonic the Hedgehog. The games since 06 could tell you that. Yuji Naka’s non-presence tells you that. It takes an interview with a crappy writer to tell you that!?

It should’ve been common knowledge since the release of 06 for the PS3. If they really cared, they would’ve taken the extra time to work out all the nasty kinks in the PS3 version (a good 2-4 months at best should’ve sufficed, but noooo!)

And here’s my favorite quote.

I think the main problem here, as many people have stated, is that Sega just doesn’t care about their old characters, including their own mascot.

I have heard speculation (and this was just someone’s opinion, really) that Sega is no longer interested in Sonic because he’s designed to appeal to the West (I mean, Sonic seems more American than anything else), and they want characters that appeal more to the Japanese. Sonic doesn’t have as much appeal in Japan like he does in Western countries.

Hehehe penis pumped up!

And this is just for the story bits. You know, that thing that the hardcore nerds constantly remind you that is NEVER IMPORTANT for a video game…. ever. We shall roffle at that later.

What is going on now is mass panic at the thought that a franchise with such a reputation is in the hands of a development team and a publisher that could not give any damns. We could understand for Devil May Cry (it’s not that popular), or F-Zero (again, not the popular) for why developers couldn’t give a damn, but for a company mascot that is the nigh primary source of profit for the company overall? Commence the Hysteria.

After a while, people will begin questioning the true motives behind the creation of Sonic Colors and Generations, the further history behind Sonic X-Treme, what really went down with Sonic 06’s hellish development cycle, etc. If Sega cared this less about communicating info for a game’s narrative, then what other damns couldn’t they be arsed to give? Why hasn’t the content of Sonic ever been good since Naka left? Why do the games control like pure ass after 06? Why the retardification of Knuckles? Why the Nintendoification of Sonic!? Why is no Sonic game leaving impressions after 06? Why is the series no longer on the radar for anyone to care about a new release? Why do people no longer know that Sonic games are still being made? Even with that piddly ass commercial for Lost Mind?

Now they have the (pointless) suggestions of inviting the writer to their forum so they can screw up any chance of a decent storyline forever. Since the fans are incapable of rational thought, they’re also incapable of rational story telling. And regardless, a good story wouldn’t save Sonic as long as that content is ass. Everything about Lost Mind is too kiddy to be perceived as having a good “story”. From the saccharin and lazy art style to the disjointed and “mechanical” level design, to the horrendous and unmemorable music, as well as crappy villains, there was no chance in hell of the game being a success even if it had decent writing and a better plot.

Lost Mind in a nutshell

negative7

Nintendo ruined any chance of Lost Mind selling, but it’s clear Sega was in it for paper just like that new Olympics game that recently flopped (BWAHAHAHAHAHA). Even my detractors couldn’t disagree now than ever that Sega couldn’t give a damn about Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s just there to get chump change to fund whatever game they REALLY want to make. Look at the new Yakuza Restoration, the entirety of Phantasy Star Online 2, and beg the question of why Sonic didn’t make the cut for Project X Zone which I’m sure flopped as well. Can you see it!? Can you see the OVERWHELMING amount of care Sega has for the Blue Blur himself?! Can you see the love and affection the series is getting? It’s so important, Sega DARES their own staff to learn about the series on their own! Such knowledge is TOO GREAT to be shared up front with deadlines flowing out the bumhole!

I mean, where else is Pontac supposed to get decent info?

Konami had more respect for their retro throwback games (contra, Castlevania, and Gradius), Sega puts ZERO effort into Sonic 4! That’s no clue!? No desire to patch up 06 for the PS3 release! No clue there!? Hmm? Werehog to pad out Unleashed? Not putting Sonic into a proper Crossover with Mario because Nintendo wants to be unique!? No Sonic for Project X Zone!? All Sonic games since 06 leaving fans with flavor amnesia!? Constant outsourcing of 2D Sonic to Dimps because they don’t give a hoot about fan demand!? And now no communication with staff on characterization for Sonic characters, but desperation to the get their PRECIOUS JAPANESE DEMONS (the Zeti) to be perfectly fit into the game!?

If 7 years of mediocrity, Nintard trolling, and mortification from Sega overall isn’t enough to tip you over the edge now, I don’t know what will, because these same sorry asses are gonna live in the realm of false hope. “Oh lets just speak to the writer to make sure the characterization-” mutha fucka, that won’t work without a reboot. Consistency is NON-EXISTENT within the Sonic franchise! You need to reboot dat shit before trying to get anything right. Everything is so wrong with Sonic’s universe, it’s baffling why people try to piece together plot holes about the damn moon.

But if Sega doesn’t care, then hell with it. Sell the Sonic franchise to another publisher. And no, NOT fucking Nintendo. They’re still Japanese, and the Japanese in general can’t stand Sonic’s urban essence (which is why the Zeti were made). It needs to be in the hands of a WESTERN DEVELOPER. Idk, Insomniac maybe. Someone that ain’t asian. Sega and Nintendo have destroyed the franchise and not a fuck is given. Proof of the pudding is right there with that interview. Giving pointers to the writer will not alleviate that as long as Sega of Japan/Sammy is in charge. As far as they’re concerned, they’d kill off the franchise if it didn’t make them any ounce of money.

But…. since that’s not happening ever, then kiss Sonic’s blue ass goodbye because he’s gonna get Mega Manned in the future. I guarantee it.

I don’t know why they make shirts like this.