Archive for February, 2018


The lack of X-Men was that big of a deal breaker? I had no idea. I figured gamers were giant simps like Disney’s movie goers, and I guess Disney thought so too.

But… like with SXT, that’s another bunch of characters locked to DLC. I never had much interest in this game beyond Mega Man X, and I never got around to trying it yet, but the game did feel like one giant marketing campaign for Disney. Black Panther being DLC was such an obvious marketing gimmick to piggy back off the movie release, it was disgusting. And I guess unlike Netherrealm Studios, no one trusts Capcom with the same amount of money they hand over to Injustice as nd Mortal Kombat.

The game industry needs to dump it’s relationship with Hollywood. It’s a cesspool that only cares about exploiting audiences. Well…. so do publishers, but MvCI was such a glaring example of this.

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Cape Shit 5 (Black Patronizer)

Slight correction. Man-ape is M’Baku. Eh, doesn’t matter. By now, you’ve already seen the damn shit.

I must applaud Disney! Yes! Bravo! Bravo! They’ve done the unthinkable! Transcendent! All that good shit!

They managed, without any effort, to get black folks… into a theater….. to clap for… grown ass African men… in tribal furs… as they march into a battlefield…. making… FUCKING…. MONKEY NOISES!!!

The Man-ape shit was worse than I thought. Gave him a monkey mask, monkey mountain, monkey statute, and goddamn monkey chants. We won’t put em in suits, but we’ll surround him with the symbols and actions of primates! 

*sigh*

For what it’s worth… it’s actually not a bad movie. Unlike the last.. 4 Marvel shit stains, we have a more serious story, less “awkward” comedic gold, and after several thousand years, a decent villain! You end up sympathizing with his plights as he tries to take over Wakanda… before shitting on that Sympathy via making Killmonger a war hungry bastard. 

So… yeah. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it a little. I’d also be remiss if I ignored the devious lengths Disney went through to sneak fuck black audiences. And I’m willing to bet no one caught em. Besides the monkey shit, of course. So…. lets get on wit it!

The film starts with CG sand story telling, a child asking his father how Wakanda became so bad ass. Sounds like something out of Reading Rainbow. A giant meteor struck in Africa contained Vibranium which allowed Wakanda to flourish. While the other African countries suffer from wars and slavery, they isolated themselves from the outside, keeping the nation hidden from vultures that would profit from their demise.

Hmmm. Keeping In line with canon? That’s…. odd.

Then we go to 1992 (man, Disney just luvs going back in time, eh?) Where we find the father of Killmonger in a gang with assault rifles littered across the table. After some discussion, 2 Wakandan guards (who the hell are the grace sisters? I legit don’t know) enter the room demanding the identity of  the men inside. So they open their mouths showing blue glowy tattoos that certainly cannot be comfortable to have. Then, T’Chaka does his best Batman impression and appears via flashing lights. At first, he fools the man into thinking this was a peaceful visit, but quickly gets down to business and accuses him of stealing Vibranium and selling it on the outside. His partner reveals himself to be a spy (A young Azzuri the Wise, btw) who was feeding information to the king. 

Not a bad start, I suppose. 

The scene cuts here to the present where T’Challa is riding around in his jet on his way to ambush a transport unit. It’s not exactly clear why but… intro needed to establish badassery, I guess. Actually no, he does this to meet his ex-girlfriend Nakia, who I swear was made up for the movie because Disney didn’t have the rights to X-Men yet. There was an in-joke about him freezing up when it came to this woman, and right off the bat, I had an issue. The Black Panther has nerves of fucking steel. Old flames would not faze him like this.

Panther takes her back to Wakanda, and here we see Shuri, the female Black Panther….. reduced to a ghetto science geek. Fuck you Disney.  In the face, in the ass, in the throat with a barbed wire dick you assholes!

Also, take note of all the MEN that are wearing plate lips. Now, several people have mentioned this prior to the film’s release of just how royally fucked that is, but it needs to be reiterated. This is offensive for 2 different reasons. 1. Plate lips were worn by women. So by having the men wear them, you are effeminizing them. 2. This is actually mutilation. See, certain African tribes were also being enslaved by arabs who would often have their way with the women. The women used these plate lips to make themselves unappealing to them. Thus, it was a defense mechanism to prevent themselves from being raped. To have regular people walking around with these things like it’s a fucking fashion statement is offensive as hell. Dat sneak fuckery!

Anywho, we see T’Challa enter an arena atop a waterfall (this is impractical as fuck) as he prepares to fight for his right to be king of Wakanda. And such, he is to fight against any tribal leaders who wish to take the throne. And the only challenger is fucking Man-ape!

Oh it wasn’t enough to make the cult of the monkey god all Ashy as hell, but lets have them enter the arena via a random cave, with monkey chants and M’Baku himself with a subtle Ape mask. Seriously, they could’ve used ANYONE ELSE! Death Tiger, what’s wrong with him? White Wolf, not like you cocksuckers haven’t taken enough liberties with the Marvel properties, why not him!? Because fuck it! We haven’t savaged ni- enough as it is.

So they have their ritual combat  where T’Challa emerges the victor, forcing Man-Ape to tap out. Afterward, he consumes the heart-shaped herb (how the fuck do you even take out his powers!? Eating those herbs aren’t safe! People have died from that shit!) And is buried to venture into the spirit realm. Here, he gets to see T’Chaka and confides in him that he isn’t ready to be king. Well, you know how that convo goes.

At some point, we find Erik Killmonger at a museum of African history. And to really patronize the audience, we have a… white expert on African shit! Oh yes, even the nationalist types are targeted. Anywho, Killmonger reveals that he poisoned her coffee and she drops dead. Then his boss Klaw shows up (at first, I asked why he was working for a guy he was supposed to have a grudge against). After stealing a hammer of Vibranium that never gets used.

I… I really hate Killmonger’s ghetto speech and movements. It’s almost difficult to take him seriously in this film. That and his questionable antics with this random girlfriend of his.

Back to Wakanda, we find Shuri showing T’Challa his new armors, but not before yelling “WHAT ARE THOOOOSE!?” At his new sandals. 2 things. Shuri used an old ass Bill Cosby meme. Fuck…. you…. Disney! Second, those are some gay ass looking sandals. I don’t think men are supposed to be wearing shit with toe rings on em. Anywho, we find that Shuri created a suit weaved into a necklace that allows him to absorb kinetic energy and discharge it as shockwaves. Cool!

Next, they get a tip that Klaw was making a deal in Korea, giving them the perfect opportunity to capture and/or kill him. When they get there, they disguise themselves as rich people (they already are) and the “general” complains about wearing a weave. Unintentional or not, I actually liked that joke.

………What

Nakia manages to get T’Challa and general into a nightclub (because Koreans are known for their love of black folks, obviously) and they wait for klaw’s arrival. As they do, they find that asshole Everett Ross. Apparently, he’s here to find Klaw as well, but T’Challa warns him that his ass was grass. When he finally does show up, the general accidently gives away her operation and is forced to kill people with a spear. A gunfight ensues and Panther has to give chase. Shuri takes control of a car allowing her to give Panther a ride. Helluva way to jack a car.

This is one of the better action scenes in the movie. Don’t know if people will think “spear chucker” …. I shouldn’t have said that. 

At the end of the chase, Panther is ready to tear into Klaw’s ass, but the General warns that doing so would cause an international incident…. which doesn‘t really make sense. The accords weren’t ratified, Klaw isn’t Korean, no Koreans were harmed in the making of that chase sequence, and as far as I’m concerned, T’Challa’s identity as the Black Panther remained secret. Killing a barely known thug when no one in Korea even knows who the hell you are doesn’t have a lot of risk. Go to town, dammit!

But they let asshole Ross have him. His first order of business is to be a douche. The general threatens to impale him to a table. Please do! But eh. Ross interrogates Klaw about his dealings in Vibranium and Wakanda, and he reveals that Wakanda was hiding more than what they let on.

So then this midget asshole…. interrogates T’Challa! For hiding more Vibranium! T’Challa rebuffs him by saying that Ross shouldn’t believe the words of a criminal. But… I think the response he should’ve given was this.

Even if that fiend was telling the truth, what’s it to you!? Wakanda has no trade deals with nations outside of our borders that says you are entitled to our resources! You think because you made a frizbee that what we have is fair game? The arrogance you have displayed in my presence is outrageous…. but not unexpected.  It is your conceit that ensures that we will be at odds with each other for generations to come! “

If he said something along the lines of this, I would honestly accept this movie with open arms. Ashy monkey cult included! But no! This movie treats the Wakandan hoarding of Vibranium…. as an inherent flaw of Wakanda!!! Yes, the very act that ensured Wakanda’s protection against colonialism for thousands of years…. iS PORTRAYED AS WRONG! T’Challa backs down from Ross’s questioning as though he were in the wrong! It would be one thing to use this to say “white people be self-entitled”, but naw! Ross somehow has a right to be upset. Maybe not in this exact scene, but the rest of the movie will carry this same tone. The exchange itself is very telling. And the next few scenes are, too. 

Killmonger and some goons actually break Klaw out of prison, and in the scuffle, Ross takes a bullet for Nakia. This part was gonna cause a MILLION problems for me, but more on that later.
Panther tries to apprehend him, but Killmonger blasts him away with a grenade and escapes, but not before seeing the ring that he also wears. After getting back to Nakia and asshole Ross, T’Challa gives him a bead to stop the bleeding… and they… TAKE HIM TO WAKANDA!? Are you fucking crazy!? This bastard was in yo face about what you were hiding! Now you wanna reveal to him everything because he took a bullet!? Why not just ship his ass off to Iron Man and let him handle it, keep yo shit on lock!

But naw. T’Challa got confused. 

Shuri comments that he brought home another white boy to fix. Hahaha you patronizing fucks. Yeah, I know they’re referencing Cap and Bucky.

Anywho, while she works on that asshole, Killmonger betrays Klaw… oh good! I thought they were really fucking up this guy with his speech patterns. Yeah, he originally had a grudge against Klaw anyway, so more on that later. Odd that he shot his woman, tho. Must be a way to facilitate the women in the audience to say “hes pure evil!!!”

Then he takes his corpse to the Get Out guy, who earlier was upset that Panther didn’t kill Klaw the first time. This is all it takes to get… “GO” on Killmonger’s side. Then… asshole Ross wakes up (why didn’t you fucks keep him blind-folded!?!?) And Shuri… tells him…. everything! I have never been so disappointed in a character…..

T’Challa questions Azzuri the Wise about Killmonger, and reveals that he plotted against his uncle. Killmonger’s father tried selling off Vibranium to help Africans suffering in different parts of the world, mentioning that Wakanda lives in prosperity while the rest of the African populations are in hell. 

Hmmmm

But then he suggests that they use the Vibranium to conquer the world. Right here… we have another problem. What happens from here on out is that any Wakandan that wishes to provide aid to other African communities through out the globe are characterized as… extremist. Characterized as…. black extremists. As….. black identity extremists. 

Anywho, he tries to shoot Azzuri, but T’Chaka saved him and killed the father. They leave with the Vibranium and Azzuri back to Wakanda…. also leaving behind Killmonger when he was just a child. 

The origins are a little different. Killmonger was native born to Wakanda, but was exiled when his father was blackmailed into helping Klaw steal more Vibranium. He held a grudge against both Klaw and T’Challa as a result. But this works too. Still can’t take him seriously, though. 

By now, the audience should be rooting for Killmonger. T’Challa is furious that this was kept secret and admonishes Azzuri for his complicity. Funny enough, when Killmonger is apprehended, T’Challa nevertheless treats him with hostility. Yeah, offering a corpse as a rite of passage into the city is brazen and disrespectful, but damn! You were going to do the same damn thing to Klaw! I’d have said “thanks, but what do you want in return?” And listen to the offer before blowing him off. Or wait until he reveals that he is blood related (he shouldn’t be, but fuck canon). Here, he demands the throne and challenges T’Challa to ritual combat. And T’Challa accepts. 

Now, Killmonger’s original (and better) motive was to rid Wakanda of what he felt were “White colonialist influences”. But that would’ve made him the hero by that point. He simply wants to destabilize Wakanda out of spite. So he fights T’Challa in the ring, and just as it were in the comics, he kicks his ass and tosses him off the waterfall. He also kills Azzuri for his role in his father’s death. Now Killmonger rules.

He goes through the dirt nap ritual and flashes back to his original home. Oh look, a Public Enemy poster, how cute. After an… admittedly touching reunion with his father, he wakes up and decides to burn the garden of heart-shaped herbs (meh, they can grow more). An elderly woman tells him it’s wrong to do so, and Killmonger chokes her! Welp! From this point on, he goes from sympathetic villain to complete monster.

Nakia manages to grab one herb and drags the general, N’Yami and that asshole Ross to… *sighs*… the icy lair… of the Monkey Cult tribe!

FUCK ME! I thought that bastard was gonna get the Crossbones treatment and show up for just one part of the movie. But that would be too respectful! Lets T-Bag black audiences with ape faced mountain-sides, gorilla statues, and the producers were busy trying to project their ancestry onto us.

If that wasn’t bad enough, Man-Ape and 2 subordinates, in some joke means to intimidate Ross, do some monkey chants randomly. There’s no logic, rhyme or reason to this, they just do it! GET…..FUCKED…. DISNEY!! 

Nakia begs Man-Ape to help liberate Wakanda from Killmonger, offering one of the last herbs as a reward. But then Man-Ape shows them T’Challa’s body frozen in ice. They force feed him the herb, allowing him to take another dirt…. er… ice map. How are those herbs not killing him!? He’s taken a million of them by now, it constitutes as Vibranium poisoning!

He goes back to the ancestral realm and rightfully curses out T’Chaka for killing his uncle and abandoning his cousin to an… orphanage? How did Killmonger survive on his own?

Speaking of which, Killmonger plans to ship out tons of Vibranium to different African communities so that they can overthrow their governments and take over, essentially Disney projecting US strategies of destabilizing the middle east onto African Americans. T’Challa  asks why Man-Ape helped him, and he responds “a life for a life. My debt is repaid.” Hell, we’re so lazy, we’re taking dialogue from fucking Mulan! T’Challa asks for reinforcements, but Man-Ape refuses, KNOWING he’s gonna help anyway even though it goes against his fucking character.

So now the final battle ensues where Panther wrestles with Rhinos, Disney perpetuates a gender war where the black men are clearly in the wrong and the black women must defeat them (score bonus points for Killmonger killing one of the female guards), Asshole Ross helps out by destroying some Wakandan transport ships, and Panther himself gets sidelined in favor of his female guards.

I was legit bored of this scene. It felt more focused on showing the women than Black Panther himself. That could be said for the whole movie, now that I think about it.

After some shit, Panther and Killmonger have their bout free falling into the Vibranium mines, before falling on the train tracks where Panther eventually stabs him in the chest. (Just a note, Vibranium can damage Vibranium, so Panther’s little plan wasn’t necessary). Then… they try to make Killmonger sympathetic again by having him say:

“Wakanda really is beautiful!”

“We could try to heal you”

“So I can rot in a prison? No. Let me die like my ancestors in waters when they jumped from the ships. Because they knew death was better than bondage”

What a.. deep and touching line of dialogue!

…….

……..

…….

Except NO ITS NOT!

Dude… you murdered people (including your girlfriend!), burned a garden that was important to an African cultural tradition, possibly fucking up their way of life, assisted Klaw in murder and theft of important relics, and was planning to ship off Vibranium to Amma knows where! You deserve to rot in a cell you committed crimes deserving of it! You didn’t earn that little speech at the end! That’s insensitive as fuck!

Well, he dies, and Panther gets back with Nakia (how obligatory), and Panther takes Shuri to the building that their uncle died in, claiming that he bought the entire block to make it an area of prosperity. Well that’s good.

but what’s not good are the after credits scenes. T’Challa attends a UN press conference claiming they will have more transparency with the world, and willing to share their knowledge. Asshole Ross is smiling in the audience (fuck him). It’s implied that he’ll possibly be sharing that Vibranium too.

This is the ultimate sneak-fuck that kills this movie. Lets review. 

Tony Stark kept his Iron Man technology secret/exclusively for himself because he knew the dangers of allowing outside forces to gain his tech knowledge. Stane, Hammer, and whiplash all tried to kill him with his own shit.

Hank Pym kept his Pym Particles to himself and punched a guy for trying to take it off his hands because he knew the dangers of allowing outside forces to gain his technology. His protege, the Yellow Jacket, tried to kill him, his daughter, and Scott Lang. Hell, in the preview for Ant Man 2, Hank Pym is trying to relocate because of Scott’s stupid decision to blow his cover in Civil War.

In both franchises, it was stated numerous times that it is imperative to keep everything secret because you cannot trust outsiders with your tech. Because all they’re gonna do is take it and try to fuck you up with it, or use it to fuck the world. This is usually a TROPE for lots of super hero media, in that it’s dangerous to allow potential enemies to discover who you are.

BUT THE WAKANDANS HAVE TO SHARE THEIR SHIT….. BECAUSE “ONLY FOOLS BUILD BARRIERS“!? T’Challa, YOU DUMBASS COON!! 

These white folks have to keep everything under wraps, but the Africans!? “Oh naw, you sharing yo shit with the rest of the world! Because it’s only right, you see! We must treat all as tho we were all a part of the same tribe!

This “kuumbaiyah, we are the world” horseshit they done spewed here is a slap in the dick. That’s some propoganda right there! And I know mother fuckers are not gonna catch  that shit because they’re so caught up in that feel good bullshit. If anybody won anything in this movie, it was Asshole Ross. He knows EVERYTHING about Wakanda, and could use that to blackmail T’Challa into giving up their shit to the US if he so chooses to not reveal their massive Vibranium storehouse. It basically teaches white folks “if you want these ni- to share anything with you, just play nice! They’ll get confused and share EVERYTHING with you!”

I am aware that this canon to T’Challa’s character so…. hmm…. that’s odd. Disney doesn’t care about the source material, I wonder what…… oh I see!

So they change elements of the comics like the nationality of the Ancient One in order to appease international audiences…. but maintain the Black Panther’s “Fuck tradition” stance because it makes their white audiences comfortable. So Disney sticks with the source material… when it‘s convenient for them! Ain’t that a bitch!?

Fuck that whole scene, and Disney sideways. Oh yeah, Bucky was in the other scrne, and some kids called him White Wolf.  Cute. They name dropped a villain they could’ve used in place of fucking Man-Ape. 

*sighs*

As I said before, it’s not a bad movie. But I feel as though this can only be said in comparison to the last 4 movies we had. There’s actual story, characters you can be invested in, comedy that’s done right (most of the time), and Tony Stark didn’t show up at all.

On the other hand, it’s suspect as fuck. There are a lot of messages in the movie that are subtle yet troubling. The gender warring that happens in the final act is really shady. You mean to tell me that ALL the men sided with Killmonger and ALL the women sided with T’Challa? That’s not even close to realistic. We don’t even get REASONS for why these sexes chose their factions, they were divided into 2 different armies based exclusively off of their genitals! Who are you trying to play, Disney!?

 The characters aren’t really memorable, either. Aside from the General and Killmonger. The General was obviously engineered to be a crowd pleaser like every other female character Marvel put in these movies who show even a hint of proficiency in hand to hand combat. I’ll just be biased and say she’d tear Black Widow a new one.

T’Challa seemed to be downgraded from his Civil War appearance. For a guy who was willing to kill Bucky out in the open not giving 2 fucks who witnessed it, he’s now concerned with causing an international incident in Korea. I also don’t enjoy how he’s so palatable toward Ross. The guy reeks of douche and T’Challa doesn’t check him once. He also seemed like he couldn’t do a whole lot without someone else backing him up. His own technological prowess was revoked and given entirely to Shuri, so he’s dependent upon her for all the nice little gadgets he uses. He also seems to get his ass kicked more often in this movie. How the fuck do you get ganged up on by several normal soldiers!? You took down a god damn rhino, and only the power of “sister in danger” gets yo mind right!? He got a slight nerf in this movie. I’ll take the Killmonger loss, but Man-Ape should’ve been chump change.

I already talked about Shuri.

Nakia is the obligatory action girlfriend. Unfortunately, nothing really stands out.

The Get Out guy, I think it was “Wubaku” or something, guy with the rhino. His motives for teaming up with Killmonger is so petty, i’m shocked that no one wanted to slap the piss out of him. Otherwise, another character that’s just there. I kinda feel sorry for the actor. He doesn’t seem to have anything beyond “Get Out”, and Disney just squeezed him in to Pad out the movie’s “black cred” resume. Hell, he had a better role in Kickass 2 if you ask me.

Much as I hate to admit it, I liked Killmonger. After literally 10 years of marvel shit, we get a good villain! Actually has a backstory that makes you give a shit about his motives, and even makes you feel conflicted about his actions. Easily the best part of the movie.

Fuck Ross

Fuck Man-Ape

Klaw who? Oh right, the arch-nemesis. Uh… typical retarded Marvel character. His usage of “savage” in reference to the Wakandans was so tryhard, I wasn’t even offended. Just disappointed. Sure, lets trigger Black audiences by having an overt racist white guy so they can cheer for us when we kil him off. That’ll make em love us! Would’ve been better if Ross bit the dust instead.

And no, I found Ross to be an irritating little shit since Civil War.

it’s definitely a “story driven” movie as the characters don’t matter much. Probably why it works better than a good chunk of Marvel films as many of them are character-driven comedy slop, and those don’t work well in a 2 hour movie.

All and all, it’s not a complete train wreck, but only a fool would assume Disney did any favors. It actually felt like watching Lion king…. which in itself is probably not good. The plot is practically the same in some regards. 

Cape Shit Preamble (Black Panther)

You knew this day was coming.

Originally, I opted not to do anymore movie reviews seeing as… no one reads them. That’s cool. I started this blog for gaming discussion, and it’s best I keep it that way. And while I have PLENTY of words for Spiderman Homecoming and Thor Ragnarok, they practically write themselves on how stupid they are, I’d be stating the obvious. To summarize, fuck everything about Homecoming, and Ragnarok’s conclusion, I liked better than how it originally ended. Something about people who created cycles of Asgard being destroyed and reborn for their amusement…. sort of. Thor loved Asgard too much to allow it to be doomed to these cycles, so he destroyed the reality that kept Asgard and the 9 realms in existence to keep it from falling to this cycle. It’s. … stupid and didn’t make sense so this ending worked better. The problem is there’s no tension or despair at all at Asgards destruction. Odin is dead and Thor is leading an entire people into space. And nothing was lost… except the Executioner. 

MCU’s style of writing does not allow audiences to be invested in the lore or the characters. Everything is hardcore slapstick unless it’s Captain America.  They think “awkwardness” is comedy gold. Nothing is allowed to be serious or respectable. When I saw the Justice League movie, I brimmed with envy for those damned DC fans. That movie had a fucking soul! It’s better than both Avengers movies! MCU has no respect for it’s characters or the lore they’ve built up over 60 years ago. Everything is just a joke to them.

This is what made the Black Panther movie so… anxiety provoking for me. Because now we’re touching on the representation of African People. My People.

Last year, I posted a 42 minute rant about the teaser trailer for this movie. And despite the insights of how degrading this movie could be, I still wanted to see this movie. Then I find out that Man Ape was going to be in it. I couldn’t be more disturbed. One of the most racist characters Marvel has ever created was gonna be in the movie. I say to myself “of course! It’s Disney! Afterall, these cocksuckers did make the Princess Frog!” The presence of this character was too tempting!”



Marvel themselves weren’t exactly good with the black characters they bothered to make. There was a character called “Charcoal” who could change into a big rock. Basically

You know… This Fuck.

There was one issue where him and members of the Thunderbolts (Marvel’s Suicide Squad, essentially) tried to sneak into the lair of the Masters of Evil to rescue Moonstone. They take out 5 of them and decide to disguise themselves as those villains. Who did Charcoal disguise himself as?

Look at how they try to justify that shit!

There’s a quote that I love emmensly when it comes to fiction. 

Criticism about representation of Race, Gender and other diversity are often countered in fandom by sociological or scientific analysis attempting to explain why the stereotype/inequality happens according to the internal logic of the fictional world. As though there is any real reason that anything happens in a story except that someone chose to write it that way. Fiction is not Darwinian. Fiction is creationist.

Unsurprisingly, he’s also a character that was used to criticize Black Folks who often see through the bullshit. 

This was AFTER the Man-Ape debacle he was put through. Triathlon should’ve whooped his ass for that remark. 

Then again,  I’m willing to bet no one can explain away why the workers in Kotal Khan’s stage are all Black.

Man-ape should have never even been a thought for this film, but it’s very telling that Disney saw fit to slip him in (Name  is M’btu btw cause they won’t use his villain name. He’ll be hidden in plain sight. ) i’ve seen articles on how Disney plans to utilize a racially insensitive character like Man-Ape. I say “DON’T PUT HIM IN THE GODDAMN MOVIE!” But nope! Disney just couldn’t resist. It’s in their fucking nature! 

So don’t go see the movie” I hear some of you arses murmuring. That goes without saying. And was my original plan.

And then you find out yo mama wants you to take her to see the movie.

Since I am the “Nerd” of the family, and she knows bugger all about the Black Panther, she figured it was best I go with her to the premier. She already bought the damn tickets! 

I try to explain to her my reservations about this movie, and stubbornly, she rebuffs me by saying “sure, you can run out and see white super heroes all you want to, but you got reservations about Black Panther! Ain’t that a B?”

On the inside, I screamed “Damn you woman!!”. On the outside, I wasn’t crazy. So there’s that. I guess I’ll consider that a belated birthday gift. 

Nevertheless, it’s amazing to see how many people throw objectivety out the window in favor of merely supporting something. we’re so starved for positive representation that we’d accept getting possibly sneak-fucked by a movie studio who doesn’t have our best interests in mind.

But (sighs) here’s hoping i’m wrong, eh?

You know, playing FighterZ got me thinking. No one bothers comparing Sonic to DBZ anymore! 

Oh you know. Based exclusively off of Super Sonic being an obvious homage to the Super Saiyan to the point of being the only useful character in the franchise according to Sega of Japan. Because of that, all the retards in the fandom started making arbitrary comparisons based off of the slightest similarities. 

Chaos Emeralds are Dragon Balls because there’s 7 in all.

Sonic is Goku cause he’s always confident  and… eager for adventure? (Rogic killed that impression)

Tails is Gohan because….. he whines?

Knuckles is Piccolo he’s the token

Shadow is Vegeta because they both hate the main character

Silver is Trunks because he’s from the future. 

Angel Island was Kami’s lookout.

All comparisons ended with Sonic Unleashed, as we no longer got interesting characters. Or content. 

I never thought I’d miss that nonsense. See, back then, people assumed originality = quality because critics somehow convinced people that if you could compare the elements of one movie or game to another, it was not worth investing into. Not a bad theory considering at the time, we were getting a lot of ripoffs of Halo and GTA. That, and it was a defense mechanism for the Nintards. And while Sonic was still well-liked by people, it still had a lot of detractors. Did you know these cocksuckers tried comparing Sonic Riders to Mario Kart using weight classes and racer typings!?

It’s no secret that Sonic games have used elements from other sources to create it’s world, but that is a common practice! You think Spiderman is original, take a look at his arch nemesis and his anti-hero Black Cat for a few pointers from a hero with unearned income. These little debates they had back then were based on ignorance and ego inflation. 

And yet, what I wouldn’t give for those lame debates again. 

A friend of mine asked me why I never wrote about Takashi Iizuka’s plan to split the main line Sonic games into 2 separate universes. And I tell him… I don’t really give a shit. The rumors about Sonic Heroes getting a remake might be his way of disconnecting the 3D games from the rest of the series, but I honestly couldn’t give 2 shits. Every game since Heroes has had some very disconnected continuities… hell it’s sense of continuity barely exists. You can treat every game as a stand alone entry like Zelda, Tales of, and every other Japanese series where the developers use the name brand to sell people on their unwillingness to keep up with their own goddamn continuity. Cause that’s all it is. An excuse for these lazy ass cunts to say “can’t complain about Green Hill being close in proximity to Chemical Plant even they both existed on 2 different fucking islands!

But no, the real reason is this. I’ve often complained about how the Chaos Emeralds became the go to plot devices for any story in the series to say “we need to collect this crap to save the world”. Back then, they served no purpose than to be things you collect to get the good endings, and become Super Sonic. It wasn’t until Sonic Chaos that these little jewels started being developed properly. Each emerald had it’s own properties, like the Red Emerald being able to control the other emeralds. The problem? The Master Emerald was created which serves the same exact purpose, and it can make big things fly. It also served as the prison of Chaos 0, God of Destruction.

This was all well and good, however the main emeralds just became reduced to being batteries. The bad guys always needed them to power up weapons and devices, Sonic needs them to go super,  etc.

Then 06 happened, and the Emeralds were arbitrarily given the properties of Time Travel and ressurecting the dead. Not only does this completely SHIT on the time stones, it also validated the Animu shit birds in claiming the chaos emeralds were Dragon Balls in disguise. Because that was the main reason anyone used the Dragon Balls. To bring back loved ones lost in battle or otherwise. 

Unleashed, I barely remember, but the Emeralds were used to bring together planet pieces…. and I’m like “well shit, what’s the point of raising the stakes when the chaos emeralds were just this get out free card for any jam the series writes in? They can be used for anything and everything. 

One could use the excuse that because they are all different body parts of a single God, their possibilities are endless. And Tikal having the ability to take people back in time, and being so closely connected to Chaos could excuse the time traveling aspect, even if it does shit on the time stones.

But then what’s the point of the Chaos Rings from Knuckles Chaotix? The Sol Emeralds? The World Rings? All these plot devices have a single use, but the Chaos Emeralds are univeral in their ass-kicking? Again, this could just be easier for the dev team because fuck effort, but it reduces any unique elements they have in the future to mere formalities they could easily fix with Chaos Emeralds. Hell, I’m honestly annoyed they didn’t use them to shit on the Phantom Ruby in Forces. But if they did that, they wouldn’t have need of a resistance, of the Avatar, of anything else.

And hell, I just thought of a damn good story reason they could’ve used to justify that. The deadly six could’ve been spirits of the Emeralds that, because of their abuse in the past, are now punishing the world for it’s crimes. Sonic and buttnick would’ve had to join forces anyway, and by the end, we could’ve had some shitty moral lesson about relying on your own strengths. Because DA CHILDREN!  And yea, that is a knock off of Dragon Ball GT.

You see? There’s all these constructs one could think about within this series. But tell me how many people cared or thought about anything like this within the fandom? 

ZERO

Because no one honestly cares. No one cares about seven mystical gems that harbor the power of a malevolent god, a demonic entity that harnesses the might of an artificial deity to ravage the flow of time, or a vengeful mercenary who obtains an acursed ruby to bend the whole world to his knees. And before anyone says it, it’s not because the games are factually bad. Ratchet and Clank has some incredible ideas like a business man having the technology to deconstruct planets and taking each piece to fit them onto another is fucking cool, or having a giant clock in the center of the universe that maintains the balance of time would make for great stories. That shit goes unnoticed by the fans who claim to be so. Could be the nature of episodic entries giving them no inclination to care. Could be that anthros are aggressively ignored unless they’re horses. But everyone will give some variation of the “necessity argument“. “Sonic doesn’t need good content. Doesn’t need strong characters/story. Doesn’t need interesting worlds. Just needs gameplay”

All based off the notion that, because Sonic 1 & 2 didn’t have cutscenes, it means that people enjoyed it purely for gameplay reasons. So present day standards mean jack shit, back then people liked it regardless of lacking a story! There isn’t a shred of analysis done here, such as standards and expectations of the time periods of old vs those of today. This is just a simple, easy, one-size fits all answer to solve the problems of today. This Is further exacerbated by Sonic 06 having a strong emphasis on story, and being the “Hitler” of the franchise, so anything that game had is automatically bad for the series.

So now, because the fandom has gone batshit, the Sonic series is purely focused on gameplay. Storyis literally nothing but an excuse. The fandom rejoices for it’s victory over another section of the fandom!

But you know what I don’t see anymore? No one really talks about the games anymore. If I look into a Dragon Ball forum, I can find all kinds of discussions regarding the characters. “Will Yamcha get any respect anymore? Is Ultra Instinct enough to beat Jiren? Is Vegeta just another punching bag? Are Super’s villains over-powered?” On Sonic Forums? “How to save sonic. How to fix forces. Should they sell the frachise. Lol Sonic Cycle.” There’s no actual investment in the series. Back then? Even with 06? “Could Silver be Sonic’s descendant? Did Blaze die? Is Mephilis the darkest villain in this series? Amma, all those Blaze theories! See, even back in Sonic’s degraded state, people were legitimately interested and intrigued by Sonic’s mythos. People even enjoyed Darkspine Sonic from a spinoff.

Nowadays, the fact that Forces even generated some interest, even if it’s just a peep, is some sort of achievement. People are resisting any form of interesting content in Sonic, to the point of open hostility against a character creation system. 

But eh, a split universe between 2D and 3D games won’t be anything earth shattering because people have convinced themselves that Sonic doesn’t need content. As such, you won’t see the end of discussions regarding what needs to be done to fix the franchise, because nothing is being made to INTEREST people, acclimating them to the franchise, all because people don’t WANT anything to be made to INTEREST people into the franchise. Splitting the series into 2 continuities? Pff! Who gives a shit?

Dragon Spam Fighter Z

Hello, I’m Android 21! I was created to draw in all the thirsty otakus!

So, here’s a game that’s nowhere near being worth a full $60 price tag just based off the lack of characters alone. I shouldn’t have to explain Dragon Ball to anyone, but all anyone should know is that it is a titan! A pioneer of so many tropes we see in Japanese cartoons, most notably the absurdly overpowered characters, “getting stronger by training” as the only way to win against more powerful opponents, and bad writing decisions the longer a series runs, leading to a more disappointing finale than what one would normally desire.

Grandpa, I can’t beleab you weft us all behind…

For da token bwack guy!

I loved the original Dragon Ball series where Goku was a little kid who astounded everyone and could take some of worst punishment known to man, even morphing into a giant ape to do even further destruction. I loved the aspect of journeying across the land in search of mystical orbs that granted wishes to anyone who gathered all 7. I loved the martial arts action that actually looked like martial arts, and not just 2 guys repeating the same 2-4 frames of punching and kicking because cheap. 

And then Z happened, revealing that Goku’s amazing strength came from being an alien rather than a tenacious human boy who could. Saiyans get stronger after every fight they have automatically!  Meaning all those timez Goku trained…. was pointless. Still, both the Saiyan and Namekian Sagas were both enjoyable to watch as you had 2 heavily underpowered Gohan and Krillin going up against monsters until Goku returns to fight Frieza in one of the most dramatic final battles in Dragon Ball history! 

And then… the Android Saga happened and ruined the series forever. All of a sudden, stupid robots and bio-freak science projects were more powerful than Frieza and Super Saiyans as a whole, Krillin goes from a fighting pragmatist to a horny moron looking for cybersex, Vegeta sabotages every plan to save the world because he’s too petty to accept that Goku is just better than him while the fans go on apologetic tirades for his stupidity, Goku stops caring about Gohan showing that piccolo is more of a father than he ever was, Yamcha is reduced to a joke character (which infuriates me as he was one of my favorites) and loses Bulma to Vegeta of all people, Super Saiyan Forms are created to sell toys and serve no purpose in actually defeating enemies (further diminishing Frieza’s character) and every effort is spent trying to patronize Vegeta fans by giving him and his asshole family all these small accolades. Kid Trunks being stronger than Goten, Bulma being able to talk down beings that could murder her outright, Vegeta having random power bursts and having characters immediately suggest he’s surpassed Goku (before Goku gets a new retarded form)… the series has literally devolved into a dick swinging contest between Goku and Vegeta. All the while, Gohan literally gets lumped in with Yamcha for a useless fighter. What’s the point of all these characters having babies if toei is just gonna find an excuse to make everything about Goku and Vegeta one-upping the other!? I’d rather see development between Goten and trunks being rivals rather than Goten be supplemental to Trunks getting a new form.

Actually, yeah, I am bitter about Goku’s sons getting shafted in favor of boosting Trunks because “lol popular in Japan!”. I can safely say I enjoyed Dragon Ball before Vegeta became an ally. Don’t even get me started on Beerus.

Anywho, I’m supposed to be talking about this game. Dragon Ball FighterZ is the latest game from the now overrated Aksys. I say that because their latest offerings have been quite underwhelming, and are only propped up by the FGC who hopes to earn some more elitist cred by talking about how wonderfully deep these games are. Because it doesn’t matter what characters you pick, each and everyone of them have varying playstyles (from button mashing to useless gimmicks). This of course begs the question of why they chose to ignore BLOODY ROAR as the concept is practically the same, if not better. I suppose they’re afraid of being labeled as furries.

This is the game DB fans have been wanting since marvel vs capcom was even a concept. Crazy supers, anime graphics, particle based maelstroms as explosions light up the battlefield. And those shitty Budokai, Tenkaichi, and XenoVerse games couldn’t fill in those voids. I’m assuming that’s where most of the hype stems from, it’s similar to that h u pe train for the Dark Knight. People wanted this kind of Dragon Ball fighting game for ages. Me included! To think it would ever exist in some form! Prior to those terrible budokai games, we had the Super Butoden series on Famicom which, while not being very good, is essentially a FighterZ beta test. There was also Hyper Dimension, more or less an actual fighting game with Street Fighter mechanics. Since then, you had Dragon Ball fighting games that did everything they could to emulate the frantic fighting action of the cartoon series, resulting in some horrible games. See, everything afterwards were some anime simulators with sometimes confusing control schemes and mid-match cutscenes masquerading as special moves. See, in Budokai, everytime you did a specific attack, the fight itself would stop and wait for a scene to play out. Sometimes accompanied by a QTE or little minigame to ensure the attack was stronger or would work at all! The actual fighting wasn’t really fighting at all. Just a bunch of characters with thr same or similar animations or functions, there was no variety in fighting styles. Tenkaichi was no better, choosing to simulate the high flying action the series was also known for while having crap controls. Supersonic Warriors on the Gameboy Advance, funny enough, was the best DBZ fighting game you could get at the time. Suffice to say, there’s adequate reason to be hyped for a game like this. An actual DBZ fighter where players could finally cut loose without too much hinderances, where characters had varying fighting styles and not just be expies of each other with different special attacks to merely see in action. This was the real shit.

 And… hell. In capturing the essence of the series, and being an actual fighting games, it’s almost perfect. The game is blindingly fast and relentless in it’s chaos! It’s everything we could’ve hoped for and more! And The game… is pretty shallow

Perhaps going through story mode is coloring my perspective the wrong way (considering the CPU is a cheating bastard), but damn near all of my fights so far have boiled down to rushdown/MVC combos or spamming laser beams and/or strikers over and over again. You know, you can try and be clever and/or unique with your playstyle, but this game will remind you that none of that innovative shit = effective. So you end up repeating the same fighting patterns as the dreaded AI. Close the gap with super dash, use assist immediately after dash to ensure no counter attack is possible, hammer away with light or medium auto combos, and hope for the best. Scummy shit like that is tedious and tiresome to deal with over and over again, and the AI does this all the fucking time!

But again, it’s really only against the cpu that bad habits start to form. Which is pretty sad. You’d think the Japanese would be able to program better ai after 30 years of this shit, but eh. After a while, you find that the rest of the player base has picked up those same bad habits, and the matches devolve into whoever gets out their long, drawn out combo strings the most wins. It’s not like the game doesn’t encourage it with it’s auto-combo system ripped straight from Persona Arena. 

But you know, I’d probably forgive all that if there was any form of GRABS! I don’t know if I missed some tutorial piece or what, but it seems like the only way to grab people is via certain characters. Freeza, Cell, 16, 18, and 21 seem to be the only characters that can actually grab and throw fucks in this game, and only command/autocombo throws. Why!? Is this a thing when it comes to Dragon Ball games? We don’t like to throw shit!? Not even the butoden or Budokai games had throwing mechanics. It’s like when designing a Dragon Ball game, strategic elements of conventional video games are thrown out the window in favor of generic punching, kicking, fireballs and lasers.

As well, seeing as Namco was involved, it would appear that their patented “get caught in a combo and you’re fucked” style of gameplay is kept intact. Namco fighting games usually have this bad habit of ensuring that players can’t escape from a long combo string…. because Tekken is popular = everyone loves unbreakable juggles = everyone loves unbreakable combo strings! But it’s Aksys, you’d think they’d import some variant of Guilty Gear’s “back the fuck up” mechanic. I figured that would be Sparking Blast, but it only seems to work when you’re not gettin fucked up in midair.

Bah, I’m so used to playing Guilty Gear Xrd, this game feels devoid of options!

On the other side of things, the game weaves together what could be a tiny roster of fighters. You have all of the lame  ass Super Saiyans, 4 of the og Z fighters (mah bois Yamcha and Tien! Piccolo sucks in this game, tho) Ginyu and Frieza, The gay ass androids sans 17 etc. Etc. Honestly,  I’m satisfied with just Yamcha and Tien, but the roster just went with characters that are more so relevant to the story (which involve said gay ass androids much to my dismay), and I’m like “They couldn’t squeeze in Dabura? Pikon even?” Hell, they had the bad taste to include punk ass Nappa (can’t believe his name is a Chinese Cabbage) they could squeeze in…. Cooler at the very least. Idk, half the roster is Saiyans and everyone else from the Z series that I never cared about, so it just feels empty. Some of them get really obscure too. Who the fuck is Hit and why did he get in over Chiaotzu? (That’s right, I actually Like Chiaotzu!) And is that an LGBT Goku with pink ass hair!? Sweet Lord, it’s actually happened! Dragon Ball is patronizing the SJWs! What used to be a man’s anime is going soft! Those rants of this mary-sue-per Saiyan isn’t bullshit! 

I kid, but what in the fresh hell am I supposed to think when I see an effeminate looking Carrot Monkey!? The roster couldn’t be more by the numbers if it tried. Hell, you’d think there’d be some GT characters like Omega Shenron or w/e. 

But eh. Everyone loves the Android Saga. Obviously considering who the new character is. Android 21 is literally the most original character ever made! Lets take Android 18, give her longer brunette hair with split ends, give her glasses and the worst fashion sense ever, and then give her an alternate form that is a genderswap Evil Buu in Arabic Belly Dancer attire. Toei clearly wanted their fans to think about sex this time around, probably waxing nostalgic for the days of Perving out on Bulma and launch. Not that I’m complaining, mind you! You all know how I am, but damn If her ravings of wanting to eat people aren’t super innuendo…ish.

A super attack where she’s “on top of you”. Because Hotaru from Garou was that damn popular, I guess.

The story, however, is beyond retarded. 21 creates some wave…. shit that suppresses her ravenous cravings to eat people. She’s also the mother of Android 16. Spoiling it there because who gives a fuck about Android 16, really? Somehow, her waves fuck up and cause everyone to grow weaker, and the only way for the Z fighters to become stronger is to link with some random human soul…? 

21 also created a linking system to allow a soul to possess people… for no reason? There are also clones of Goku and the gang…. I guess because 21 needed people to eat to get stronger? And she also revived Frieza, Cell, Kid Buu, Nappa, and Ginyu for…. reasons? 

This is the most excuse plotting a game has done to say “We fulfilled the fighting game story mode quota, now fuck off!” Nothing makes any goddamn sense. Nothing is explained aside from 16’s rather lackluster relationship with his milf mum. And it all seems like a vague attempt at poking fun at series characters forvtheir quirks and short-comings, non of which are actually funny or clever. Is pointing out the fact that Yamcha got killed by Saibamen supposed to mean something when Tien and Chiaotzu get murked in the same manner? Or pointing out that Nappa can’t go super Saiyan? Or that 18 is stronger than Krillin? Or that Frieza got beaten by Goku twice? It just comes off as a bunch of insecure manchildren trying to one-up each other on their failings in the series. 

By the end of the game, there are then 2 different versions of 21, good and evil, Goku kills both 21 the same way he killed kid Buu, and everyone figures “meh, we can revive the good one with Dragon Balls”.

The soul that gets stuck in these characters is obviously supposed to represent you, but wasn’t even close to being necessary. Hell, if they wanted, they could’ve put in some CaC feature ripped from XenoVerse if they so desired, and give em moves from the other characters. Would make the RPG bullshit more palatable. And the story progresses in the same, stupid ass manner as fucking Budokai 2! In that you move across a board game map, crushing enemies on any spaces you can find, and eventually reaching the boss to continue the story. And to top it off, you can only move about the map a certain amount of times, so you’re better off just powering through it all if you don’t care about levelling up… in a FIGHTING GAME!!!! What the fuck is the point of practicing if you’re gonna have a mode where victory is largely determined by some RPG logic, equipping skills and other shit, rather than actual fucking merit!?

Namco, you cannot keep treating everything as a friggin RPG! It is not normal or even healthy! So if I kept using Krillin in story mode but then decided that later on, I get better with like say Tien or whoever and decide I want to use him late in the story? Get fucked, he’s at level 1 and isn’t even viable. You’d have to go back and grind him in previous chapters or jip the system by using like… 3 opponent de-leveling skills if possible to bring them down to Tien’s level. That‘s bullshit! It’s a fighting game! I expect effort, not time, to be the measure of success! Shit like this is a slippery slope, and I pray that it does not catch on.

Speaking of questionable design choices, arcade mode is also silly. It has this system whereby you can choose how many fights you want from 3-5-7. You don’t have the option of choosing a difficulty,  but how well you do in specific matches determines how difficult your next fight will be. And trust me when I say if you’re just starting the game out, this feels daunting on it’s own. It starts off super easy, but then immediately, if you get an A or S-Rank, your very next fight is where you get steam rolled. Just another of Namco’s bullshit creeping up in this game. That being said, Arcade difficulty is strictly determined by how well you do, which on paper seems like a decent idea, if a player is already pro, they might get bored playing arcade mode on easy, so just ramp up the difficulty the better a player does.

But lets say the player wants a challenging cpu at the start of Arcade mode? Well, once you beat the arcades, you unlock the “hard mode” version of each arcade route. That way, you solve that non-problem.

But do you see what the problem is!?

You have a… HARD MODE… for an Arcade Mode…. that ramps up difficulty… based on your performance! If you were going to do that….. then….

WHY

THE

FUCK

didn’t you just include a difficulty slider!? That way, new players wouldn’t be alienated by difficulty scaling and would be eased into the game’s  mechanics without having to spend hours in training mode or local battle! Does that make any goddamn sense!? Debate me on anything else i’ve said if you wish (and no doubt will) but this shit is illogical and indefensible!!

Half of you fucks would go “well don’t play Arcade Mode!” Then I ask you, without putting down real money for them, what better/faster way do you know of to unlock both Blue Goku & Vegeta? Because the only way I know how without breaking my goddamn controller is to grind out 500K Zeni. And you earn the most going through 7 stages of Arcade Mode. And we all know why these unlock conditions take forever to fulfill, it’s because the assholes at Aksys want to take a piss on your patience and skinnerize you to buy early access horse shit. They’ve pulled this shit in practically ALL of their fighting games since Blazblue (to my knowledge) and is no better than Battlefront 2’s unlock conditions for Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. It’s an absolutely scummy practice that they’re enabled to get away with because “omg genius fighting game mechanics”.

I don’t know what else could be said about the game other than “it’s a real Dragon Ball Fighting game for once”. I suppose that’s all that matters. The spectacle alone is it’s selling point. As far as it being “potentially technical and deep”, I don’t see shit happening beyond assist spamming scum tactics for the next few months. People will probably go “Piccolo sucks, but he’s teh best assist wise!” I’m willing to bet Frieza will be everyone’s goto tournament aphrodisiac. Actually, no. Blue Vegeta’s Big bang special acting as both a shield and a projectle is beyond broken in this game. If anything, he might be the fgc sex toy or outright banned.

Aksys’s game design is starting to get old, however. All of their fighters have the same mvc combo logic. Capcom, SNK, they at least came up with different fighting systems for all their franchises, but Aksys just has one style. It ain’t. a good look.