Category: Nintendo ramblings


Granted, I haven’t played that long (first day and all), but man it runs like piss. Is it because I’m on a 2DS and it can’t handle the alleged awesomeness of the game, or what? Its like trying to play Diablo 3 on an old Windows computer, with those big ass blocky monitors from back in the day. And Linkle (Linket sounds better, btw)

Anywho, since I obviously haven’t played much, I can’t comment. So instead of that, I’m talking about LBX.

The greatest 3DS game ever!

Behold, young ones! You stare into the visage… of greatness!

CUSTOM ROBO! It was a work of beauty. One of the Gamecube’s rarest of reasons… to own that piece of shit console! Twus a game that me feel truly validated for picking the inferior console!

Actually fuck it. Custom Robo was the tits! I would literally spend an entire night just perfecting my Chickenheart wit the Splash/Air Dive Charge Combo and completely fuck up whoever thought they could win by spamming gattling guns, or going with the Lightening Sky Models and raping everything with the After Burners or the Hornets or what may have you. This shit would turn you into a retarded ass Batman, if you will! All this “prep time” and shit you had to deal!?

Ok look, Custom Robo wasn’t the most bomb game on Cube, but would you honestly pick dat Fire Emblem shit over fucking ROBOTS!?

So after what felt like an eternity after playing the inferior Custom Robo Arena on DS (I still aint finish dat shit), I was wondering “when NIntendo gonna come out with a sequel!?”. Yeah, I know, Custom Robo sold like shit,but so did Pikmin, and that weak ass series got a sequel just cause Nintendo has a hard on for big noses. And swords. Come on, 6 Fire Emblem characters? Just cause Sakurai loves that piece of shi-ok I’m rambling again.

If you or anyone else has been missing Custom Robo, LBX is literally the closest thing you can get to a damn fine substitute.

LBX is a “Mon” type game where the main character, Van or w/e, dreams of having his own killer toy robot. But his mama won’t let him have one because she has husband issues. But one day, a crazy stupid hot chick gives him a briefcase for no reason. Remember kids! Always trust strangers you would totally pork! ……God, that was horrible…

Anywho, when Van gets home, he cracks open the case to find a Mega Man toy.

After Van marvels at his first robot, he is immediately attacked by 3 robots controlled by literal clones (not making this up), so he grabs out his extroller (its a cell phone, really) and proceeds to tear ass. I have to ask, how the fuck do you control robots with cell phones!? It looks complicated.

After the mighty tutorial battle, Van finds his living room is fucked up with bullet holes (O_O) and what not. Yes, these things CAN kill you. And just when you thought he couldn’t be more fucked, his mama comes home, sees her son busted to the living room to shit… and then sees the blue LBX. Logically, this would be his ass for days… but she just says “ok w/e, have fun honey”.

So, the next day, the Mama basically reveals that “It is time for Van to RISE AND BECOME A HERO!” Yeah… the story is kinda dumb, but surprisingly well told that you don’t care about the logic. That or my expectations were severely low.

I’ll say 1 thing, this game gets a thousand bad ass points for actually trying to use a toy robot… to assasinate a mayor! Or using toy robots to send a train running out of control, or just using these toys to initiate a large scale energy crisis. The amount of plots used in this game, and the sheer scale at which they present the dangers of said plots are at times amazing. Sure, the plot loses points for literally having people that cheat Van’s way into victory… over… and over again, but eh. And Amy is completely useless as a person. Otherwise, the story is manageable, and interesting for an excuse plot.

As for the actual game itself? Virtual-On with better controls.

Battles can be fought from 2 to 6 players in typical 3rd person action. Like Custom Robo, you have the opportunity to customize yo shit before a fight. Unlike Custom Robo, fights aren’t entirely dependant on your current equipment… or at least the guns.

You have Guns, Swords, Spears, Knives, Hammers, all kinds of fine weaponry to equip your death machines with. You can also customize the robots entire frame with different set pieces. So you can have like a Gorilla’s arms with Chameleon feet. Why you would want that is anyone’s guess. Beyond the robot frame and weapons, you can also equip special moves which (like lots of games these days) are prone to micromanagement, and they aren’t really all that useful except for the crazy overpowered Super Moves. You know, the ones that have those long cutscenes to emphasize the seering pain it will inflict upon your soul.

Beyond that, you can also customize the Robo’s internal circuitry. Yeah, no bull. You can literally crack the muthas open and fiddle with their CPU, their battery, the core, the processor, all of these things really affect the stats of your robo and how well they perform. Defenses, how many stocks of super guage you get, how fast your guages charge up, how much you resist certain attacks, the kinds of special moves you gain access to, all of it is in the internal parts of the robo you have.

First time I played this game, this shit confused me. Cause there’s so much to keep track, especially the different parts being of different shapes and sizes, so you couldn’t have like several different pieces all over the place. It’s like Resident Evil 4 inventory management system where you’re constantly rearranging shit around to make stuff fit properly just so you can have more room for shit you don’t need. It just ends up with you screaming at the screen until you’re blue in the tits.

Tedious customizations aside, the battle system. You’ve got regular controls, and you got touch screen controls. Both sides are optional, so… don’t worry. Since my shoulder buttons are all shit, I had to stomach the touch screen for certain functions ANYWHO…

Like I said, battles can be from 2-6 combatants on-screen. You can use either a combination of close range or long range attacks. Depending on the gear you have, your robos can be slow or weak. Swords and Knuckle weapons are usually the fastest up close while Polearms, Hammers etc. are slower but hit harder, you get the idea. Also depending on your parts, your robo will excel at certain weapons better than others.

The fighting itself is at a decent pace, if you’ve played games like J-Stars or Digimon All-Star Rumble, or even Xenoverse, this game is pretty similar to some extent. The difference is this game plays better. For one, it doesn’t whore itself out to some puss ass Stamina system (even though LBX still has one). Another is that the fights aren’t as chaotic as the other games, so it’s easier to focus on the actual combat.

1 thing I will say is that guns… dominate… everything. Keeping yourself at a distance and shooting people will often win out more than close quarters. Especially those goddamn snipers with their… high damage… bullets! Its always those damned Snipers that destroy everyone!

So that’s the only real bad aspect of combat in that guns are easy mode and swords are for the non-pussies who know how to get around them. There’s nothing hard about using close-range weapons, but its dealing with bastards that know how to shoot and aim.

….I really don’t how to describe the combat, ok look ITS JUST FUN, ALRIGHT!?

with all that said, there is an aspect of the game I really don’t like, and it’s the sidequests. These are the only real shitty parts of the game, and them being optional, yes I know. The problem with the sidequests is knowing exactly what you are supposed to do. This is a game that really needs a serious game guide with details on everything. There was this one sidequest where you are sent on an errand to retrieve, are you ready for this!? FUCKING CUP CAKES! Not exactly the item, but close enough. You’re supposed to go to this food area and ask a lady if they have any. But you find that they don’t, so you go back to the girl that gave you the quest, but she tells you the same thing. Bring the bitch some cupcakes. Now, I scoured what little internet I could use to see what was wrong, because it took me 1 whole month to figure this out and complete the whole quest. Getting the cupcakes… is entirely RNG based. So you’re supposed to go back everyday, periodically, and check to see if they have cupcakes. And this is RNG, so you’re gonna be checking it over and over and over until you get those cupcakes.

This is one of the most obnoxious, arbitrary side quests in the whole game, and the reward for that quest is mediocre. Thats kind of the thing. Sidequests offer very little in the way of rewards, and if you’re lucky, you get an LBX card (I’ll explain later). Otherwise, they’re a waste of time and not worth the effort of long ass treks between different city blocks (too much backtracking)

So that’s 1 segment of replay value, the rest is… basically going OCD and trying to find more robo parts and sets, and the best way to do that is through the LBX Arcade, where you find LBX cards, slip em in a machine, and then fight the cards themselves. This way, you can gain new parts… randomly. Yeah. You know where that goes.

Overall, sure, I might’ve exxagerated on how awesome this bitch is… but shit, idc, THIS GAME IS BEYOND A FUCK LOAD OF AWESOMENESS! If you need action games where you kick a lot of robot ass, LBX is the game for you! I guess Level 5 gotta compensate for Nintendo’s bitch asses while they futz with Pokemon’s generic gen 7 names.

Seriously, “Sun and Moon”? Could they be any less original?

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Well… it’s been a couple of months since S.Doom’s release, the drama is gone and *sigh*, I missed quite a show according to the peeps I’ve spoken with. To see all the meltdowns and alleged “mass conversions” that took place would’ve been a show more spectacular than the news of Nintendo wanting to kill off the Pii U.

It begs the question, when news of this game aaaaaaaaaand Lost Mind dropped, what in the fresh hell possessed people to support these games in the first place? There mere fact that they were exclusive to fledging Nintendo consoles alone was enough to smell a bust a mile away, yet people stubbornly clinged to a false pretense that there was bound to be success amid the rampant skepticism.

From the last few discussions I’ve had, it probably had jack shit to do with optimism of the games, but because they love the smell of their own asses.

I was talking with a lady (I believe she had guest appearances on Sonic Dissected and cursed someone out over Super Metroid) about the fandom’s obsession with Sonic Conventions. I hadn’t really thought about just how many Sonic conventions are held on a yearly basis, and it begs the question of “why!?” When the object of your fandom has a quality threshold that’s 3 degress below whaleshit, there’s nothing to be proud of, never the less waste money organizing conventions no one bothers attending. But her theory goes that it had squat to do with supporting the company’s direction taken with a series and more to do with showing that they are great fans.

I think to myself “How the hell did I not see this!?”. This is fanboy behavior 101. The issue of unwarranted self-importance. When you get fans that are pre-occupied with keeping up their image of being a “true fan”, the quality of the product becomes irrelevant. Thus, you get jackoffs like this.

Terrible singer he is. Makes my ears bleed. Problem is, most of the fans are like 20 years older and act the same way. And on a more disturbing level, they care way too much about the conduct and purity of other fans. Like all that fuss about “recolors”.  “Oh, don’t make your own fan characters that in no way have any impact on my life or on the franchise we support unless they are a specifically original! NO HEDGEHOGS OR ECHIDNAS or else you’re justifying the Archie Comics existence!” But beyond that psychopathic tendency, this is why so many flamewars exist, all that nonsense about “spewing hatred, not having an open mind” and all the rampant attacks on legitimately good Sonic games like Adventure 2 or even Sonic 2, all has it’s roots in trying to prove that the fans are purely good people. By showing how “grateful” one is to the company’s new fangled  policies of destroying the series, they couldn’t care. Their self-image is more important than a creative direction taken with a franchise.

This is why they really have such ass backwards logic. Why the Emo Zeti was more acceptable than Shadow the Hedgehog. Why there weren’t “no issues” taken with the fucking horrible Boom redesigns. Why everyone was “comfortable” with Nintendo potentially buying out Sega. They don’t actually believe their own shit! They simply want to show that they are supportive fans regardless. It’s like the Joss Whedon fanboys who barley watch a damn thing he makes, but strong arms everyone to bow down to his almighty omnipotence.

The fact that most of the Sonic fanbase has merged with Nintendo fans is also very revealing. Nintendo fans are the kings of ass kissing, most of all those goddamn Pokemon fans (I’ve always compared the 2 fandoms, and it’s easy to see why) who desperately try to make Pokemon seem more adult than it is by hyping up it’s “metagame” that composes of nothing more than bitching about Smogon’s rules and tier listings oh I’m rambling again. Nintendo fans NEVER want other Nintendo fans to have any legitimate complaints about Nintendo brand, otherwise it would create the impression that “OH NO! WE AREN’T 100% WILLFULLY BLIND SHEEP! Nintendo may not support us fans ever again with puzzelda games and Shit Fox!”. You should’ve SEEN the magnificent storms over Metroid Other M!

Why specific fanboys would act like this is simple to dissect. Gamers, and hardcore gamers on a grand scale, have a deep seated insecurity about their favorite pasttime. People always want to feel as though they are a part of something, and/or have a sense of status in the world. Whether it be piddly ass school programs or even protests (admit it. Some of ya’ll just WANT some shit to go down so you can “join a movement” and tell your grandkids that “yeah… I lived that shit“). So for many people who have no actual talent or achievements, we tend to latch onto whatever it is we find significant to our lives just so we can have a sense of belonging (for many people, this includes church goers, or even sports fans). A sense that you’re a part of a community. For gamers, it’s a much stronger desire as people who play video games are ostracized as hell. And this is the thing that makes gamers terrible people to hang out with half the time, they’re always angry and overly critical of any medium they see, being overly cynical, etc., because for some strange reason, being a cynical asshole is confused with being “intellectual”. That is, ofcourse, why you see gamers trying so hard to convince people that shit like San Andreas and Dead or Alive are “art”. They want to be perceived better than they are. If you need an example, piss off any artsy dipshit gamer and watch them fire back at you with “GO BACK TO YOUR SHITTY CALL OF DUTY, YOU FUCKING CASUAL!”

The fanboys, on the other hand, take a completely different approach in substituting cynicism with denial, something they confuse with “optimism”. So when you see some random shitbird defending Sonic Bomb or w/e, it’s really some arrogant fuck who thinks he can mitigate legitimate criticism and tell the fans to be in happy denial. And this seems to be an epidemic when it comes to Sonic fans.

That’s what makes the denial crowd so dangerous, you see. When you have shit lord companies like Sega looking for nothing but a quick buck, they can truly exploit these assholes because they know for a fact that they’re just going to support their game regardless. And then you have ol’ crusty bastards like Mike Bollocks getting into flamewars with the fans for some reason (that’s just what I’ve been told). Sega doesn’t even have to try to make their products look appealing, if they have fans that are obsessed with their vanities and their egos, they can truly put out w/e they damn well please. Either that or Sega honestly believes that’s how fans behave (which I doubt. Sega isn’t that stupid). Denial is, unfortunately, the only way you could be a sane Sonic fan. Being a fan of a D-Rank series isn’t easy, having to stomach low quality titles on a yearly basis is a test more grating than watching Think like a Man. After this point, however, I feel this won’t be a problem much longer. Sonic Boom was so bad, it destroyed the last 4 years of pent up denial with no trouble at all.

Now it’s been replaced with “cautious optimism” and people are banking on this 2016 movie to save the series. That’s rich. We’re relying on HOLLYWOOD to save Sonic!

……Well, they can’t do any worse now……. Amma, I hate that damn face!

And for the most part, there’s only one game that I’m looking forward to, and you can all guess what it is.

Of course, for everyone else, E3 is yet again ass. For no specific reasons, but if I had to hazard a guess, most games coming out look no different than last generations.

More shooters? Check

More Grim Adventure games trying to be like Ass Creed? Check

More Nintendo Stupidity? Check

I’ve noticed far more dissappointment this E3 than ever before. As for me, I’ve actually been a little more than anticipating something.

Obviously, Mortal Kombat X is on my list of shit to buy next year. As a person who isn’t a “real” MK fan, the irony is overwhelming. While there’s 2 shitty new characters and no hope for Sub Zero not to suck, the prospects of a much smoother sequel is promising. I’m one of the few people looking forward to this variant shit. I’m sure something like that would turn people off though as you’d have to learn how to counter 3 different versions of the same character, so it’s bound to make more disorientating match ups. But in a way, it’s kinda cool.

I am PISSED at the prospects of micromanagement, though. The run feature should’ve never returned, and for a guy who talks about wanting to move on from the past, he sure is willing to bring it back when no one wants it. Not to mention all the arbitrary restrictions on what you can do. Using up meter to backdash is retarded. I don’t mind the interactables being limited, but backdashing shouldn’t at all be used by meter. It’s a basic evasive function that serves no other purpose than to quickly get away from your opponent, there’s nothing game breaking about it that would mandate such a bullshit change. The fact that the game has a Stamina system pisses me off to the ultimate pisstivity. Who thought that was a good idea? More and more, I’m starting to see how amateurish Netherrealm Studios are with their games. Injustice was bad enough.

It’s odd how the dumbest looking Nintendo game is one of the few that actually looks… promising? I don’t even know what the hell you’re supposed to do in this game, it looks like you’re trying to cover the field in as much of your team’s Nickolodean slime before time runs out. It;s like Reversi Battle in Bomberman Generations, or you just shoot each other’s brains out. W/e the case is, it looks… uh, kinda fun? I’d honestly rather have another Custom Robo game, but w/e. Anything is better than another Pikmin.

Probably the best step for the Zelda series for no other reason than to get away from the puzzle monstrosities of Aonuma’s cartoon faggotry. We have quite a few Zelda characters going into can of whoop ass mode, destroying legions of Skyward Sword enemies as if by some apologetic notion of awarding Zelda fans the chance to take out their frustration on Aonuma’s horrid direction of the series. And dammit, I like me some Koei Warrior shit. Not to mention we finally get another Zelda villain with bewbs and a raging hard on for Link. Er… scratch that.

I’m actually glad Midna got into this game, but is also pissed that she isn’t in her belly dancer form. And who the hell is that white-haired chick in the back of the poster!? And I’m still pissed that Impa is bleached. And GANON is back! Woot!

I’m pretty sure that once the main campaign is over, however, that the game will start to devolve into endless grinds for more characters, stages, weapons and animals. It’s something of a curse for Koei’s games as of late as everything turns into a mindless grind fest for more shit. And hell, Zelda games have had a bad habit of grinding themselves, Koei’s bullshit fits right in. And this will be a pointless hope, but Koei really should cut back on the Puke Rock music. DW8’s soundtrack is bland as shit. Course, Zelda also has trash music after Link’s Awakening.

I didn’t start playing Guilty Gear until I found a copy on Wii, but damn, that was some good shit. Since this is just an update of every other GG they’ve made, it’s the only one I’ve bothered playing. Seeing as Xrd will be cutting characters (*sniff*… Jam) aside from the “unique” fucks (since Japan is all about unique playstyles now), I’m on high alert. Luckily, most of the people I use anyway are still in (Millia, Chipp, Venom). And dat theme song, mmmmmmmmm MMMM! Bring this shit the fuck on, mang!

More fighting games, yeah. Take note that I’ve also… only recently played Persona Arena. I don’t have much thoughts on this. I just want more characters cause this piddly ass roster wasn’t cutting it. I mean damn, it was so small, man! It might as well have been SF2. Not to mention 2 of them being clones. Call me spoiled, but so many fighters this generation had more than 10 characters tops, I was expecting something bigger. Ah well, the first fighters of any series usually is small in roster, even Blazblue’s shitty roster started at 10.

I probably shouldn’t concern myself with the latter 2 games as I don’;t plan on buying Nintendo’s crap console in the future, so all I really have to look forward to is Mortal Kombat X, and that could go either way. Scalebound is definitely a no buy considering it’s exclusive to Microshit.

There was some shit about Ratchet and Clank 1 getting a PS4 remake that cures my insomnia, but I’m seeing that movie. Kirby’s Rainbow Curse is fucking clay (it rhymes, so it fits), Star Fox will be ruined further, Nintendo has a “Captain Toad” game that terrifies me, XSEED is publishing games with titties, Capcom as always has nothing to be excited about (except a piddly reskinned Cammy with some Marvel Super Hero mask, I guess), Namco keeps making licensed anime games, EA keeps making sports games, and everything else is crap. Obviously Sonic Boom was going to be ass.

So with that, E3 is over in a flash. Mass dissappointment for anyone not a Nintard. The only question I ask is…. why the graceful hell is Sega making another Aliens game!?

Aside from these 5 titles, E3 showed nothing of promise to me. It just seems to be a display of safe sequels and Nintendo’s stupidity. Not

Ok, after Aonuma’s blah blah, here’s a cool segment where Link has some bow and arrow shit. But man, why keep using cel-shading!?

I don’t get this desire to turn Zelda into a cartoon, it’s like this whole industry is going nuts for Cartoons these days. Pacman, Sonic, and especially Nintendo.

They spend all this time talking about it’s open world status, i’m like “does it have the ass kicking?”. The spider/octorok fight looked cool, but this cartoon shit needs to be dropped.

 

…..I hope!

Along with some open world Zelda game that I’m positive Aonuma will fuck up anyway, it seems Nintendo is set on bringing Star Fox back from the dead. Yeah, fuck Miyamoto.

In his new version of Star Fox — still fundamentally a spaceship-based shooter — players now use the GamePad’s motion controls to aim and fire the Arwing’s weapons, simultaneously controlling the nimble craft itself by thumbing the joysticks to accelerate or turn and pull off signature moves like barrel rolls, loops and the tactically essential Immelman turn. And you can still morph your Arwing into a land tank, rocketing down to the surface of a planet, then rattling around the battlefield and laying waste to the landscape.

…uhhhhh…. what?

So you use both motion controls and joysticks to… aim and shoot… and turn and barrel roll?

Wait… a new vehicle mode to “exemplify motion controls”.

………NEVERMIND! Star Fox is still dead. Move on with your lives, kiddos.

And then there’s a “Yoshi Wooly World”. That Yarn Yoshi shit they didn’t bother to show again for a while? And Bayonetta has more Nintendo costumes for Nintendo’s own faux-imperialistic vanity once more. JOY!

Damn, they got me all excited, and they plan to fuck up Star Fox with ingenious motion controls. Yuck, yuck, and more eww.

I don’t know. This one is looking less interesting than before. I mean… sure it’s a helluva lot better than what Pii U has now and is getting in the future…. but idk. Maybe it’s that everyone looks to much like they came from Xenosaga and looks more like typical animu shit like Macross or Aquarion EVOL.

Xenoblade was interesting in that you had a kid with a sword that allowed him to see into the future as well as taking down giant robots. Up until the Angel wing aliens, the revenge story was also captivating. It had very neat concepts.

XCX now just looks generic. But after 2 other decent trailers, this one just seems pathetic. Oh look, another alien race wishing to push humanity into the brink of extinction, and it seems the main characters are PMSing over whether or not to let that happen because humans are bastards.

Eh, it’s just one shitty trailer. Eww, Riki’s back.

Nintendo actually catering to their fans for once? I thought it was impossible! Certainly, everyone uses the Gamecube controller for Brawl (well… if mine still worked, at least.) so making people use akward controllers for newer installments would be alienating enough. Course, they could do like Sony and NOT CHANGE THE FUCKING CONTROLLER EVERY NEW CONSOLE THEY RELEASE! That way, people can be eased into the shit without needing to readjust for every sequel that comes out.

Isn’t it funny that Nintendo is a company that forces innovation on their consumers via games… but the one franchise that is used for advertising Nintendo’s history and vanity… is using a somewhat practical controller? It’s essentially them admitting that some games don’t need that Black Magic BS they do with their games. It won’t stop them from trying in the future, but for now, it’s one of the few things good about Smash 4 (probably the only thing). It’s as though they have little faith in the game itself to sell people on it now that they specifically make a controller suited to everyone’s Smash tastes. And someone kick me if I use “Smash tastes” ever again.

Certainly, if they had enough capacity to moderately fuck up Kirby in Triple Deluxe, they can fuck up Smash Brothers on a level that is once believed to be astronomical. So how is it that Smash Bros. can escape this conundrum (for now?)

Even more… what are they gonna do about the 3DS version? That shitty nub ain’t gonna cut it.

 

(random thoughts: I didn’t think Nintendo could ruin Kirby as they’ve done in Triple Deluxe.)

I recently had the chance to play Pokemon Y. (I’ll kick the fan shtick at 30) So far, I’m liking it. It’ kinda hard to decide on a team considering all the new w/e’s look ugly as hell beyond Talonflame and maybe the frog ninja who’s name is preposterously difficult to remember. I get to this city in the “coastal” region, and I can’t progress beyond a certain point because some random chick in a bikini stops me and says “I dropped a fossil, please wait until I find it”. At that moment, my opinion of the game quickly dropped. “This is their excuse of holding me back? Really?”

Never mind that you should have the ability to swim around the stupid bitch, but that needs an HM as well as for some reason, your character can’t swim. Oh he can skate and do grinds but the water isn’t deep enough for you to not take a slight dive. GameFreak has never been good with arbitrary barriers that halt your progress until you’ve completed some task in the games to unlock new paths. The most they can do is put up literal road blocks and say “the road is under construction, please wait until later”. Later never comes until you do something about it. Obviously. But often times I think… “where’s the fun in that?”. Pokemon games have worlds that constrain players by the most arbitrary of barriers that GameFreak seems ever so content on continuing. Ledges you can’t jump over even if they’re 1 foot high (but have to jump over from the other side), trees you can’t simply squeeze by without activating an HM cutscene that takes at least 10 seconds (and Amma forbid if you have plenty of trees to cut down!), Pokemon games can’t seem to shake off the bullshit since day 1.

A while back, I had the prescriptive thoughts behind the meaning of RPG. More specifically the… “Role Playing Game”. Typically, it means you play the role of characters you choose in board games with the most retarded looking dice out there. But going deeper, what does it really mean to “Role Play”? What is a Role? A role is basically a part you play. In What? A movie, an operation, an activity, a process… basically a “job” you perform in an attempt to “contribute” to a team or just people in general. A role is that in which you work.

In an RPG, the role of Archer is back up support. He stays out of the way and picks off people from afar. The mage makes it easier to kill things and can bring people back to life if need be, and the knight is the blunt damage dealer. They all serve roles. This is the party in which everyone is like a giant clock. And the clock only works when all the cogs spin in cohesion with each other. If you play the role right, you will be rewarded. If you perform well in your job, you will be rewarded. Doing your part is rewarding.

Given that, it isn’t difficult to see why no one likes them 😛 . No one enjoys being constrained by… anything really. What is an RPG, it’s a game of constraints, you see. I can see why Yamauichi implied that it is a genre that attracts the depressed. Depressed people are usually the ones who feel constrained. To be constrained is to be revoked of your power. Power to do what? Power to make your own decisions. Power to change the course of your journey. Power to do anything other than serve the roles that you are assigned.

An RPG is a genre that denies power. It demands that you submit to it’s will. To flow with the currents of it’s own choosing. You are merely a willing participant.

So of course… the obvious answer would be to avoid the RPG. Of course… that isn’t possible. Like gays, RPGs are being pushed into every facet of gaming (if it wasn’t obvious already with the amount of stats you have to keep track of, even in a goddamn racing game like…. Sega Racing Transformed?). But… this isn’t about RPG’s. The same philosophy that drives RPGs… can be found in games without stats, even. All the games that feel like hollywood with their scripted nonsense, with their pointless padding, these PC Adventure games which aren’t at all adventures but rather a pair of wood with strings attached to you. Every game you see now feels like a job. A role to play by another’s hand.

For a while, I’ve been trying to bang my head around why Sonic games simply aren’t fun anymore and have rendered the series as irrelevant. Early on, I had commented on the appearance of the homing attack in 2D Sonic, an abnormal addition that was necessary in 3D Sonic for the sake of making combat a non-headache. And one commenter stated that it is to maintain game flow. What is “flow“? Flow is essentially your ability to perform a job well without hindrance. At the same time, flow requires that the person be in full “enjoyment” of the process. There are very few people enjoying Sonic games today. That could be contributed to the fact that the games feel like tasks, one in which a flow must be maintained by the player. Flow is really a mental state that must be maintained to perform a task without hindrance. That means Modern Sonic games are fucking work!

When describing Sonic in terms of a game, it’s a faster “platformer” heavily steeped in pinball physics. But described in terms of a Role Playing Game, you play the role of a super fast hedgehog who is constantly “in the zone“. In truth, playing the role isn’t very fun. But dictating the role is.

That’s why in a lot of ways… people can’t quit Nintendo. See, Nintendo’s games didn’t innovate anything other than giving you power. What kind of power? Why… the mortal sin of allowing you to walk a different path!

Nintendo games gave the players what? Freedom in how to progress. Freedom is Power. To be without hindrance.

As it turns out, some of the best selling games and franchises of all time… are also the games that give you the most power. Grand Theft Auto, Minecraft, the Pokemon Series, the earlier Mega Man games, and even the earlier Sonic games. There are many reasons people continue to herald most post-2K video games, not simply as some sort of “nostalgia”, but a sense that these games gave players power. And it was one of the many attractions of Nintendo games. Super Mario Brothers with their Warp Zones and Warp Flutes, short cut cannons, and even Lakatu clouds. Pokemon will forever remain fun so as long as you have the power to assign roles to specific pokemon. You can have one to deal damage or to absorb damage, or to cause status ailments and be used as mere hunting dogs. You have to power to create humble workers who are loyal to their strong general. Nintendo games weren’t great because of an esteemed amount of quality (it’s involved, but not the secret ingredient!) Nintendo games were great because they put you in a position of power.

This is the benefit of video game entertainment. The Fun Factor of interactive entertainment is to grant the user power. The power to be free of constraints. After all, people considered these games to be “escapism”. You wouldn’t need to escape if you didn’t feel constrained, of course.

And when Nintendo went away from their origins of granting the user power? The results speak for themselves. They become like everyone else. Their games self-destructing their save files if you break a particular sequence… is a constraint. Everything Aonuma Zelda… is a constraint. Sakamoto Metroid… is a constraint (an INSULT at that). Playing their recent installment in Kirby feels most definitely like a constraint.

It always seems to be the case… in every sector of life. The more people evolve, whether they age or develop better skills, there seem to be more laws in place to constrain them. As a baby, you have too much freedom because you don’t know a damn thing, and you’re basically the boss of your parents. You can make demands that they will never understand because you need it. But as soon as you learn to walk and talk… there are ground rules in place. Now you can be spanked!

And you betta believe yo mama could wield a weapon of ass destruction.

 

You get older, you go to school, you find more laws in place. You don’t do well, you don’t get luxuries, or you get held back a grade (or that’s how it used to be, thanks NCLB). And when you reach 18, there’s a shit load of laws. You have bills to pay or you get arrested, you have speed limits to follow, you have juries to attend (With a $15 compensation and a thousand dollar consequence, ain’t that a B?) you have selective services, you need health insurance just to avoid a higher tax, you need licenses to get married. To grow food. And please, hold your explanations for why these laws exist, that ain’t the damn point. And I damn sure ain’t in the mood to read all about it. 😀

The more people grow, the more constraints come into place. The more technology grows, the more constraints come into place. With that, it is easy to see how constrictive gaming has become. Used games were nearly wiped out, even. Why is it so that evolution begets constraints? A hindrance of power? It can’t be the excuse of how dangerous humanity “just is”. Who creates the constraints? Those who are already in power. Those in power wish to maintain power. By hindering those without power, they have nothing to fear. To be withheld of power and to be told that power is something dangerous to have… you have a more complacent and more compliant people. You notice how most people who love these powerless games… always seem to adhere to the principle of “what’s good for the developer” instead of “what’s good for me”?

It is because they have been denied power… and have taught themselves that power is not a necessity… and may even be a bad thing. Notice how the games that give you the most power (most Arcade Centric titles and GTA) are often times the games that get attacked by the hardcore? It might be inherent or something of a hivemind, but deep down, game developers know… that giving the players a taste of power in their games… creates demands and expectations. The player will actually want certain things in games. The player will want the return of warp zones and alternate paths in video games. The layer would want more options with equal consequences. The bottom line is the players will want better of the power they had before. The developer, however, wishes to have the power alone. Creating a game of hindrances (Aonuma Zelda) and trying to convince people that this is how the games have always been! It is a devious.. yet often repeated… strategy of maintaining power. If you can convince people that they were never meant to have power… then they will not seek it. They will often demand their own subjugation. And that makes it easier to control them.

The hardcore couldn’t be better slaves to the current gaming environment. Powerless games create powerless customers. And yet, there is growing disinterest in games every day. Why is that? Because people realize that they don’t “need” gaming for entertainment. But people do need to feel “powerful”. If they can’t go to video games for a typical power fantasy, then where can they go? There’s no other outlet for feeling powerful, nothing in the civilian environment is created to make powerless people feel powerful, that’s too dangerous for those in power. And if a video game is not made to make the people feel powerful, then what good is a video game?

I call it “junk entertainment” for a reason. Junk is undesirable, don’t you think?

Can anyone tell me what the fuck these Fairy types are weak to?! These pink bastards are whoopin my ass.

 

BIG ASS TITTIES!

But for real, this is probably the only Nintendo game that has my interest. And I’m not sayin that because I actually like the “Warriors” games, but as a Zelda title, it’s legitimately interesting for once.

Link has a scarf. He didn’t look “Adventurous” enough.

 

I’m gonna blow your ass straight off the map! Goodbye!

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!

Did someone order some Bleach!?

Does every game have the Laido Sword Style now?

Cool villains

And Magic Peep shows

People were turned off by the mere mention of the game having the gameplay of Dynasty Warriors because Dynasty Warriors…. is repetitive. I’ll admit, if you gotta grind for any kind of special shit, it gets old after about 50 fights or so, but there’s just something appealing about using incredibly powerful characters against thousands of mooks and completely destroying fields of enemies. In the context of Zelda, it’s orgasmic to think about all the wild shit you could do.

I’m kinda hoping they make it more like “Mystic Heroes” where you can use special moves at anytime and not be chained to a combo string, and having actual “levels” rather than just fields of enemies with random missions to complete.

And for the record, this game was the shit.

If they do, Hyrule Warriors would turn out like a modern Zelda 1 or 2! Just not as hard and… having enemies from Skyward Sword. W/e the case, the series needs to branch away from the Aonuma trash that has plagued the series since the late 90s. Hell, since Link’s Awakening. The series desperately needs less puzzle crap and more action, and the Warriors series delivers on action.

My concerns are, of course, if the game turns into a grind fest. ALL Warriors games have this problem, whether it’s the Gundam games or the Chinese people or the Samurais, or even the Chibi’s, Koei cannot break free of the Grind methods for “replay value”. Zelda has never been a Grind up until Skyward Sword, and wasn’t fun even with that.

But yes. This is a step in the right direction. In terms of not making Zelda a long drawn out bore, that is.

Not too uncomfortable to hold, but still sucks design wise.

I’ve recently bought the 2DS. …..Hey, it was on sale, and I didn’t want to wait any longer to get Shinobi. I have to say, I really hate how the thing feels to hold. It doesn’t feel like I can break the thing as I previously thought, but the shoulder buttons feel so awkwardly positioned. It’s like they put them at the very corners of the device. Not to mention it’s pretty fuckin wide. There’s no chance of it being a “portable” device. I also hate the “3D Pad”. It feels like a more comfortable PSP nub, for sure, but it also feels fragile as all hell. Like I can easily break it after a few hours of playing. Plus…. the Dpad. I sincerely hope the majority of games on this console won’t be 2D AND require the L button, because I can’t imagine having to strain my finger trying to press the damn thing. The positioning of the Dpad is so fucked up, man.

It’s like this thing was designed to piss me off! I feel like this is Nintendo literally saying “fuck you for not worshipping 3D!”. The thing constantly prompts me saying I can take 3D pictures but the thing 2DS can’t use 3D (like it really fucking matters). I’ll say one thing though, that AR reader is some neat shit. Pain in the ass to use, you can’t bend a damn card or else it can’t read it… period. Not even a slight “hump” bend. And the battery is shit!

Nintendo… Nintendo… Nintendo, I…. honestly, it’s not bad if you’re a 3D whore, but it really feels strange to hold if you want to use the Dpad. At least Phantasy Star Zero is easier to play :P. Overall, I can’t help but feel this thing was intentionally designed horribly. The battery life issue was not rectified, the crappy shoulder buttons, and you better have some fat ass pockets or even a purse. It’s… impractical.

This is a problem Nintendo has had since the dawn of the N64. The creation of controllers that have no practicality in regards to basic input.

Feels unnatural to hold a controller from the center. And the stick hurts like hell.

Don’t even think about fighting games on this bitch.

I wish playing Metroid Prime didn’t give me arthritis!

I think the biggest problem is that Nintendo only designs controllers to suit the games THEY wish to make, and makes nothing dynamic enough to fit all kinds of genres, and it really pisses me off when I try to play Primal Fury and after being used to the Dpad, I feel like shit trying to use these busted ass sticks. Cause the Dpad is in a crappy place. So I have to use some kind of Wii-to-Gamecube adapters to try and play this bitch, but the inputs have too much delay now! It’s either GCN or bust! And unfortunately there is no future for the series for me to care about better controls.

Other situations is playing the Conduit 2 on Wii, and I still firmly believe that this is probably the best way to play first person shooters…. until you realize you need to aim well, and doing that requires you put a lot of strain on your wrist. See, the Wiimote isn’t at all designed to be held like a gun, so what happens is that you bend your wrist further downward just to point at the screen, and holding your wrist in that position for long hours is going to fuck you up big time. Logically, you’d find a light gun attachment, but the dipshits at Sega or high voltage w/e the fuck you wanna call em, have controls mapped all over the Wiimote’s face. A button to Jump, Plus to ASE, just a whole lotta shit you’d have to reconfigure just so you won’t kill your wrist. Or position your body Yoga style so as to avoid strain anyway.

Lucky Bastard

Guess I’ll have to use Twin Sticks again…

Just using the 2DS (Maybe I’ll call it Bread Slice for the sake of having a good acronym) feels like the games designed for it won’t feel comfortable. Nintendo is not designing controllers to be dynamic. If not for the Wii having attachable controllers, it would be completely flawed.

Nintendo simply doesn’t think about these factors anymore. If you want 3rd parties, you need to design a console to be accommodating to their games as well as your own. You can’t design a console’s controller to simply show off hardware features and capabilities, and I am most certain Nintendo thinks of nothing else but showing off games that can “only be done with their controllers”. Is that why they’re so half-assed these days? I’m surprised the fucking classic controller exists!

Might as well be the Sega Pico

As you may well know, Nintendo has announced that they… now will be developing games specifically designed to show what games can only be done with the Pii U in order to show it’s value to customers. As many have already expressed, this is probably the dumbest idea they can think of. As one person put it…

Nintendo still trying to salvage the controller’s reputation rather than making quality software.

They aren’t thinking about the big picture here, they can’t seem to see beyond their own game design, and it’s been hurting their titles since the N64. And it’s going to be get much worse as showing off the functions of the Gamepad will inevitably mean showing off the touch screen… which is archaic at this point. Again, the company has had years to prove it’s viability, and they failed in that department. To give you a run down of just how horrible touch screen gaming is, consider the following.

Metroid Prime Hunters. An FPS on a handheld device is a bad idea for good reason. Visual awareness is borked on a tiny ass screen. But aside from that, FPS controls have evolved from Doom 2 where you now have the ability to look up and side step. These additions alone made FPS’s more complicated to play and kinda mandated the need of 2 different control sticks. Metroid Prime Hunters had no business showing up on a handheld in the first place. But ATI or whoever figured they could use the touch screen to substitute for the lack of analogs in that you use the stylus to look around and aim, while using the Dpad to move/sidestep and the L button to fire. It sounds bad in theory, and plays like ass in practice. It is dreadfully uncomfortable to play, and the need to use the same screen to select weapons, missiles, and morph ball would require you look away from the top screen and peek at the bottom to see what you can choose. Because you can’t “feel” any of the different options on a touch screen. You need to be aware of where your functions are at all times. This is why Iphone games can get away with this touch bullshit and Nintendo cannot. Eye contact with the screen needs to be maintained, but having to focus between 2 screens for options and combat is a pain in the ass. And even aiming is much worse in this game.

Did I mention this shit cramps!? The DS(lite) is simply too small to have games like this on it, and you’re playing one-handed with the stylus in the other, so you’re using more muscle and energy to hold and balance the DS in the air (because fuck playing this game on a table). It doesn’t take long for the position to start being incredibly uncomfortable. Imagine playing MPH on that big ass Gamepad one-handed.

But hey! What about IPADS!?

How many Ipads have buttons you need to press in tandem with touch screen controls on their games?

Nothing says “trying too hard” like Eiji Aonuma’s design team. In their misguided half-assed quest to prove the viability of the DS’s touch controls, they’ve revoked you the ability to use buttons. Instead, you have to use the stylus for everything. Just to make Link follow a fairy, scratching the screen to simply attack, use weapons yadda yadda. Who’s bright idea was it to make it so you couldn’t move without pointing to something on the screen? Not only does it make it difficult to move around obstacles and enemies, it also means you have to be very  precise so as to not accidentally swipe the screen too fast or else you’d make Link attack. Why should you care? Well, lets say there’s this temple you have to run through a million times… and there’s these Knights that are not to be fucked with. If you waste any time stopping, they will catch your ass and you will be very sad.

Even beyond the realistically limited controls, most of your time will be spent sailing by drawing lines and using tedious touch controls to contend with enemies and redraw your routes just to turn the hell around. For all of Wind Waker’s faults, it didn’t have busted ass controls in how you get to sail the crappy seas. Having to draw a line, watch as the ship moves, stop, redraw a line, and wait for this slow ass boat to turn around is impractical, especially if you’re trying to avoid being hit by enemy attacks or being invaded. Why? Because the idiots were on a mission to prove the viability of the touch screen, and instead made a game that is more uncomfortable to play than usual.

Best of E3 my ass

Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow. A game that could’ve been good. Could’ve surpassed AOS in many ways…. but fucked up completely. Not because of the touch screen, mind you (though it is involved), but they essentially made the same game, only with more grinding and worse boss fights. How so?

This damned thing here!

When you kill a boss I mean reduced to the very pit of death, you have a little minigame here. See that damn circle? Guess what? When you kill the first boss, you have to draw a V. Right? Right. See, you need to draw a near perfect V. If you fuck the V up, the boss regains health and you gotta fight him all over again, and then try to draw the same V. This is their “Magic Seal” system.

Some of these bosses don’t fuck around. Most of all that puppet master that could kill you in one hit. You are going to be seriously tired after dealing with just a few bosses, and your resources will probably be depleted (health potions, MP recharges), but you will be doomed if you do not draw these symbols perfectly, and they become way too complicated as you progress through the game. So the harder the bosses, the more likely you will want to be done with them. But the Magic Circle system is the biggest fuck you in Castlevania history. If you screw up just one inch of a perfect line, you have to keep fighting these bosses over and over again until you get it right. It’s made worse by the fact that you have to quickly get out your stylus and draw the symbol as fast as possible. If you fail, put it away quickly and re-orientate your thumbs to fight some more.

These are all absolutely moronic control schemes and gimmicks that have done more harm than they ever have done good. After a while, developers stopped trying to make the touch screen work and went back to making normal games. Touch screen controls simply are not practical.

I dread what kind of shit Nintendo is concocting because based off these experiences, I know for a fact that they will make very horrid control schemes in some vain attempt to “prove it’s worth”. They’re a lost cause.

Again, how does a video game benefit you? By entertaining you. How does the game entertain you? By being “fun” first and foremost. The shit I described is not fun. Why? The controls are not practical for playing a game. If the controls are not comfortable or practical, they create an artificial barrier to entry. People can’t enjoy a game if they don’t like to “play” it.

When the Wii was first announced with that controller, everyone was dumbfounded. We imagined how it would be feasible trying to use a tv remote to play any game on the Wii, especially that of Super Smash Bros. It wasn’t until after the attachments were revealed that people stopped worrying to death. You remember the PS3’s boomerang?

Doesn’t at all look comfortable to hold.

Sony changes the design back to the Dual Shock models almost immediately. Why can’t Nintendo do some sort of recall back to the drawing board?

As much as we’d like to believe so, they’re not idiots. Most hardware revisions, they take consideration into improving their devices in every area. 2DS still has terrible battery life. They don’t give a fuck. Nintendo has forgone the ideals of benefitting their customers, and their announcement of making games to prove the capabilities of the gamepad is pure proof of it. Doesn’t matter if the controls won’t be practical, Nintendo doesn’t care about practical controls. It’s the number one most frustrating thing about this company when they’re not jerking you over with USB ports you can’t use over some shit about “piracy” even though people can easily pirate the Wii with SD Cards anyway.

So uh… are the AR cards useful for anything else besides little virtual… figurine thingies?