Category: RPG’s


I dont even think anyone comes here anymore. ūüėõ

Where to begin? Well aside from literally wanting to kill cats and the Warner Bros. for FUCKING CANCELLING MKX… nothing really. Some reason, I now have a laptop as a gift… which caused unnecessary drama too foolish to explain. Deadpool movie was the tits. That’s rich. Fox did X-Men right for a change! That was 100% vintage Deadpool! And unlike the game, ¬†the comedy didn’t feel forced at all! …….oh who am I kidding, I’ll be “wrong” about that somehow.

Anywho, gamewise, I’ve come to learn something. Namco is to Japanese games as a curling iron is to the dick.

Shit… redefined

To be a Tales fan means to have to constantly battle against any and all desires to interact with the fans of said franchise, for there is no threat to your sanity greater  than those that live and breathe this shit.

The Tales games I only invest in for comedic purposes as thus far, somehow, the Japanese actually learned how to be funny… or the localizers used to work on the Mario RPGs. At first glance, you could look at these games and assume they’re Japanese wank fests (it’s not THAT far from the truth), but by some bastion of great fortune, these games managed to exceed the stereotypical nonsense that most JRPGs are prone to (like Star Ocean), and actually entertains you. Sure, they’re long, stretched out, padded out the ass, and can wax poetic about nonsense like the rest of the Animu shmuck, but hey, as long as it’s not a huge bore, then it’s all good.

…….That stopped being the case with Zestiria.

This game, for some reason, managed to be worse than Xillia 1. Worse than Abyss. Worse than… hell, Sticker Star! Yeah…. that’s right, bitch! Sticker Star kicks more ass than Zestiria! Why!? That game’s mere premise alone writes itself!!

……… Oh nevermind. Lets get into it.

Bullshit is about Sorey, your typical JRPG protagonest who is confident, adventurous, and gets randomly picked as the chosen one to save the world, simply because a girl likes him. Sorey is on a mission to liberate the world from the “malevolence”.

He is joined by his best friend Mikleo, a character named after a McDonalds Happy Meal, and has a permanently resting bitch face. One would assume he would be a rival or possibly evil person, but no, he’s just the buttmonkey who complains about everything.

Along the way, Sorey gains the motivation to bring Humans and Seraphim together in harmony. Oh right… Seraphim are beings that live among Humans. Humans can’t see them (except for Sorey) or interact with them in any way. Which makes one of Sorey’s desires… pretty impossible to pull off… or just make sense of. He wants to bring 2 species together when one doesn’t even know the other exists. Right. Someone didn’t check the logic of their universe before handing out character motivations. Oh right, Mikleo is a Seraph too, which makes it look like Sorey is talking to himself… but barely anyone cares.

Sorey is also joined by Lailah, the fanservice bimboo who looks like a stick figure with boobs. Basically a One-Piece character. The voice of reason who randomly rambles about rabbits when conversations get uncomfortable, or makes really shitty attempts at humor because reasons. I would’ve guessed that this was because she was hiding some vaguely terrible secret, that ol’ foreshadowing technique, but an inept idiot could figure out the plot a mile away. And of course, the cast of characters are inept idiots.

Next, there’s Edna, a total cunt that makes Anise Tatlin look the best damn character in Abyss. A “child” genius, she insults everyone’s intelligence, constantly harrasses the McSandwich man, gives everyone stupid nicknames because Japan that would be cute, and makes lewd jokes. Also contributes to 0% of the plot, making her creation solely to piss you off.

Lastly, you have Dezel who’s just as much of a jerkass as Edna… but he dies…. so instead you have Zavied, a shirtless guy voiced by Guile in SF4. Zavied is just a black Zelos Wilder… without all the annoying qualities, and actually makes the game better by default.

Then you have Alisha, a hot white chick voiced by Chun Li from SF4. A princess who fights with a spear, is proactive, will do anything for the safety of her country, and doesn’t cry about shit! But then she leaves when you find out Sorey is allergic to real women… so instead you have to put up with The Mary Sue, Rose. A ninja chick whose only real quality is dat ass. She’s the leader of a merchant… that moonlights as an assasins guild. And somehow a bitch who threatens a kid is pure enough to be Sorey’s Squire…. oh fuck, I forgot to explain that.

*Deep Breath*

Sometime in the beginning of the game, Sorey becomes a “shepard”, a being that can make pacts with warrior Seraphs to kick sufficient amounts of ass, and save the world from the “Malevolence”, which is really just humanity’s own evil (this is game is about religion. Yep). Sorey can also “Armatize” (a fancy word for “fusion” because Japan LOVES fusions! Fusions are IMPOSSIBLE TO ESCAPE!) with the 4 aformentioned Seraphs (Mikleo, Edna, Lailah, Zaveid/Dezel). As a Shepard, Sorey can… “hire” a squire to assist him. Alisha was originally that Squire. But for some reason, Sorey kept losing his senses. Somehow, that was Alisha’s fault. Lets see, a Shepard had to be all pure and shit, and I guess that also applies to the squire. But there was absolutely NOTHING to imply that Alisha was impure. Infact, she was anything BUT impure. But w/e. Japan needed a “BS the player by taking away one of their party members” quota filled and Alisha was the first victim”.

The replacement would be Rose, a bitch so upseld, she’s pure enough to be a better squire than Alisha and even ARMATIZE as well, even though she 1.) Threatened a Child. 2.) Deceived Knights. 3.) Fucking murdered people (she is an assasin, afterall). 4.) Punched the Shepard himself. 5.) Talks about people behind their backs. And of course, she gave the world a pretext for war… so yeah, I’m gonna call bullshit and say Namco played favoritism with this character. Doesn’t help her personality is dismissive. It wouldn’t be enough to bullshit with her, but the game expects you to admire her as much as everyone else does. Even Mikleo, the guy who is overly critical about EVERYONE in the game… believes her dismissiveness is “awesome”. And everyone else follows suit in praising her for basically talking shit.

And the game…doesn’t….stop…. praising her. She might as well be the main character! It must be dat ass…

These days, JRPGs are dependent on good story because they have nothing else going for them, and Zestiria is FUCKED UP about both it’s narrative AND it’s characters. The Story gets repetitive after Alisha leaves, the characters themselves are irritating and/or dull, and shifting all the focus from how to make the world a better place, but to how the game can glorify Rose even further than she needs. The non-stop egotrain that is Rose destroys any semblance of “giving fucks” I might have had with the game, cause in the end, I wanted them all to die… which actually happens. No bullshit.

Anywho, I haven’t even gotten to the GAMEPLAY… which actually makes the experience WORSE. For those who played Xillia 2, awesome battle system, right? Fast paced, easy to understand, easy to play, and Chromatus made everything a joke. Yeah… take EVERYTHING AWAY… and completely fuck it all up. All of it. Fucked beyond. Beyond fucked, I don’t care.

The original battle system of every game starting with Symphonia was basically Smash Bros. meeting Street Fighter. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked. Battles were fought in 3D arenas with 2D fighting. Characters walked in straight lines toward their enemies and had regular melee attacks and special attacks mapped to a different button. Both moves are done Smash Bros. style so pressing in a direction while pressing special does something and yadda yadda. You could FULLY CUSTOMIZE your characters moves and what not. If this laptop didn’t suck ass so much, I could find pictures to illustrate this. Just go to youtube or some shit. ūüėõ

With a battle system that WORKED JUST FINE, Namco buttfucks the money bed and decides to change it for absolutely no reason other than “because change is awesome”. Now the battle system is in Psuedo 3D and it is literally impossible to perform precise moves. Instead of 2D battles where the camera is situated horizontaly with your party on the left hand side and enemies on the right-hand, now you have stupid 3rd person wannabe shit going on now. Changing the camera perspective was the absolute dumbest move in Tales history. It feels awkward walking up and down when spent all this time walking left and right… like in a fighting game! Depth perception wasn’t an issue until here where I have to try even harder to judge the distance between me and my enemies. The amount of times I’ve missed attacks by even a few inches because I can’t see the space I should’ve cleared is a hassle. I felt like I had to use Semi-auto for once! Fucking hate Semi-auto.

It’s harder to perform normal attacks and special moves. Not because of the camera, but because the actual moves themselves changed. Back in the past, normals and specials were mutually exclusive. Normal attacks had their own combos and what not. In Zesty, however, Namco decided to migrate… fucking specials into normal attack combos. You know what that means!? If you want to use Sword Rain or some shit, you have to press Normal 4 fucking times and the 4th, you have to press into a direction for that specific move to come out. This is like those combo rings that Long and Shenlong had in Bloody Roar, but unfun. Because battle controls are kinda wonky, you end up whiffing your combos. So you may get to use Sword Rain, or you may not.

If moves like Sword Rain remained as purely special attacks, I wouldn’t care. But having to endure these migrated special Normal Combo Rings during a battle ends up being a real drag.

Then there’s the Armatis system. The aformentioned “fusion” system because Japan masterbates to fusions, Sorey and that irritating bitch can Armatize with the other 4 party members to gain new powers. Lailah will give you a fire sword, Mikleo gives you a Hydro Bow, Edna gives you Rock fists, and Dezel/Zaveid gives you… windy wings? Meh, the Armatis system was fun at first, but then it present a glaring problem. You would need at least 2 characters that weren’t Seraphs present… at all times. Meaning if you wanted to avoid using Rose or Sorey… tough titty. You have to put up with those 2 in every….single….battle. This mean Rose’s terrible AI will blow through your Seraphs fast. About that, if you die but have an extra Seraph in reserve, you could swap out 1 Seraph for the other, Armatize, and abuse this for the whole game… if ROSE doesn’t ruin everything. Good thing Seraphs can self heal, even after knockout.

So Armatize would be kewl… if… you know… enemies didn’t arbitrarily ramp up all kinds of resistences. You see, midway through this unnecessarily long fuck of a game, enemies start gaining random super armor, meaning that you attack them, they don’t get stunned, and you might get hurt in the process. Enemies such unbelievable resistences, particularly normal and they love to resist fire. Armatis gives you permant elemental attacks so if you fight an enemy with fire resistence, Lailah is useless. But what if you fight enemies with 2 resistences? Then you’re handicapped. Armatis is, unfortunately, the only way to do any real damage to enemies, particularly Lailah and Edna Armatizing, so if enemies have an assload of resistences (and shit, quite a few enemies have had up to 4 fucking resistences), that Armatis won’t do you a bit of good. And this also goes for that bullshit Combo Ring. You have to keep good memory of what each move does, elemental properties… oh who am I kidding, you might whiff into a move that has exactly what the enemies are resistant against, so you’re fucked either way.

Did I mention there’s a fucking STAMINA SYSTEM in this game!? Oh yes, Namco MASTERBATES to stamina systems! Thank Amma that Tekken and Soul Calibur don’t have that bullshit, but Namco makes sweet luv to de Stamina systems. Instead of an MP meter, your special attacks (and even your NORMAL attacks) run on Stamina. It depletes little by little everytime you attack, free run, etc. Here’s the thing. THe less Stamina you have, the more damage you do, which is basically 1 big fuck you, because then you’d attack lesser and less. This little quirk makes no sense overall and means if you want to do more damage (which is about as noticable as a good Sonic game these days) you’d have to mash away. Oh but that’s not even the worst part. You know that whole cooking thing the Tales series had? You know, that totally useless feature that you never used? Well, you better start using it ¬†because if you don’t feed your asshole team, their stamina starts getting lowered before a battle starts, so if they’re hungry, their stamina might be at fucking Zero. Dats right! You have to actually FEED the bastards! But wait… if I starved them, they do more damage. WORK FOR YOUR MEALS, ASSHOLES!

TLDR, fuck you battle system. You ruined everything. Even the pacing is slower than dirt.

Zestiria is a game that makes me run away from the franchise. The bullshit I assumed about the series before was epitomized in this game. I can’t believe I miss Jude Mathis. At least he kept his mouth shut.. most of the time. Actually, now that I think about it, the Xillia folks were probably the most down to Earth characters in the whole series. But here, it’s like the characters aren’t even… organic. They’re poorly written cardboards for the most part.

And even the gameplay was ruined. You’d think as stagnate as Japanese developers are, they would keep everything as it is with some minor gimmick (Armatus), but shit. I couldn’t even stomach finishing the damned game. Do not play… ever.

Getting away from Tales crap, I soon looked at my collection and had no idea I bought so many Namco games (since company logos are invisible to me until I first boot up the game). Digimon All Star Rumble, had no idea Namco was behind it… probably why that game sucks. J-Stars Victory Vs, no idea Namco was behind it, surprised it doesn’t suck. Dragonball XenoVerse, same story as J-Stars.

And before anyone asks, yeah, I bought J-Stars Victory Vs. And I love it. Come on, why would I pass up the opportunity to take YuYu Hakusho and mother fucking Ruroni Kenshin… and beat the literal shit out of those Naruto characters!!!!!!? ……….It’s RURONI KENSHIN!! Young asses don’t know SHIT about real cartoons! Was hoping Inuyasha was in this game so I could whoop his ass too. Faggot ass Samurai with Cat ears!? Come on…

All 3 of these games have the same glaring issue. Micromanagement. And like I said, Namco jacks off to micro management. Each of these 3 games present “systems” where you must manage a Stamina bar while fighting against hoardes of Astonishingly good AI. You need Stamina to Dash, to use specials, to power up, to guard against attacks, to escape combos, you name it. Each of these games require a Stamina meter. And I ask WHYYY!? Some would argue that it balances the game, and I say they’re idiots. You don’t balance the game by handicapping the players, you balance the game by making sure the characters aren’t too goddamn powerful. And looking at Namco’s track record, fighting game balance isn’t their strongest quality.

Players like to spam moves. If it’s useful, they will not hesistate to abuse the ability. The only safe bet is to not put in such powerful fucking moves in the first place. Stamina systems of any kind only serve to hinder a player from increasing his/her chances of winning a match. It’s literally ridiculous that a single company has produced more games with Stamina ass wankery than an RPG company would. And for Dragon Ball, it’s overkill. We already have the ever-present Ki meter, but we need a secondary meter for other basic functions such as GUARDING!? I can’t tell you how many times getting Guard Broken has ruined my chances of winning missions, cause guard breaks means your whole stamina meter is destroyed and you need to recharge it. During recharge, you can’t guard, dash, or anything useful. It’s like getting dizzied in a regular fighter, but more obnoxious. If Tekken started using a Stamina, I wouldn’t be surprised but I doubt the fanbase would ass kiss that shit.

It’s like Namco set out to bust my balls with every game they produce. Even though I enjoy J-Stars and XenoVerse, these Stamina Systems ruin everything.

*sigh* Got 2 weeks of internet and a shitty Icraig to write this on…

 

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Man, I’ve been through all 5 stages with this PSO2 situation. From the onset of it’s delay:

1: Denial.

Pff, it’s probably nothing! We all know Sega’s kinda retarded these days, they probably forgot that this is the season for the release date, yah know? Hahah! We’ll get it soon enough! ….. any time now.

2: Anger

Come on Sega what the FUUUCK! SHIT! I’ve been waiting for a sequel to this bitch for eons! EONS BITCH!! COME… THE FUCK…. ON ALREADY!!! STUPID… FUCKING… COMPANY… STUPID… FUCKING… RACIST ASSHATS!! I WANNA BITE SOMEONE IN THE FACE!! I’m gonna tea bag the SHIT out of Haijime’s pedo mustache, piece of shit billionare with his piece of shit Pachinko business! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

3: Bargaining.

Sega… if I have to… I swear I’ll buy the Pii U and totally gonna buy both versions of Lost Mind… and.. and maybe I’ll throw in Aliens: Colonal Marines! Yeah! And I swear to never make fun of the people that cried over not getting Fatal Frame for the Wii. I understand now the pain of not getting a game localized. Hehe, yeah, that’s… that’s all you wanted to show me… right? Right!?

4: Depression

OH AMMA WHYYYYYYYYYYY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH!!! I JUST WANT PSO2 WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

5: Acceptance

…….You know what? I don’t even need PSO2. I already have 3 Phantasy Star games, all of which happen to be total grind fests, and I’m still dealing with Presequel which is an even bigger grind fest, I’m… I’m cool with it. You know, those Asian territories probably need it more than I do, what with all them typhoons tearin they asses up, something that… eases the pain is what the doctor ordered! Besides, everyone’s talking all this good shit about Destiny being like… like some westernized version of PSO2 without all the retarded Japanese waifu simulator business going around…. yeah! Space Explorer cock fest! HERE I COME!

…….Yeah, I’m desperate. Since Gearbox is turning Presequel to shit, I’m hearing all this stuff about how Bungie is actually IMPROVING their game instead of taking a massive dump on it like Punkford and his crew. Initially I ignored the game due to how samey it looks to other space marine shooters (and that 20 gig space requirement gooooooooooddamn!) along with how it’s a victim of overhype (IE everyone hates it despite pumping it up like it was gonna be bigger than it is) idk. But there’s literally no chance of PSO2 coming stateside…. and I kinda need my Space Explorer fix. Not Space Marine fix, there is a difference.

……Is…..Destiny…..worth… a damn? And why 20 mother fucking gigs?

Xenoblade Chronicles X

I don’t know. This one is looking less interesting than before. I mean… sure it’s a helluva lot better than what Pii U has now and is getting in the future…. but idk. Maybe it’s that everyone looks to much like they came from Xenosaga and looks more like typical animu shit like Macross or Aquarion EVOL.

Xenoblade was interesting in that you had a kid with a sword that allowed him to see into the future as well as taking down giant robots. Up until the Angel wing aliens, the revenge story was also captivating. It had very neat concepts.

XCX now just looks generic. But after 2 other decent trailers, this one just seems pathetic. Oh look, another alien race wishing to push humanity into the brink of extinction, and it seems the main characters are PMSing over whether or not to let that happen because humans are bastards.

Eh, it’s just one shitty trailer. Eww, Riki’s back.

It should be no surprise that I frequent Siliconera for gaming news on occasion. Lately, I think I need a new hotspot as the site is bogged down with RPG news like a bad habit. And stupid screenshots of Smash Bros. 4 like anyone gives a rats ass. Goddamn Samus’s new high heels are hideous.

I’ve read that there is an RPG where… you literally fuck¬†your classmates and make babies… as a means of adding more party members. There is really a company that wishes to capitalize off of Dittos being used for sex. I think it was called “conception 2” and I’m stunned that there was a previous installment. Horrible moral implications and all. There was a line of dialogue I remember being “I am honored to receive your blessing to reproduce with your sister” and I’m already done.

Another RPG has the main heroine “kiss” the enemies as a means of defeating them… which makes no sense unless the Japanese wanted to be “clever” with the whole “love your enemies” kind of deal.

Just read now that there’s this new shit called “Omega Quintet” where you’re playing as 5 Japanese idols out to save the world….. by singing.

Japan is taking “jailbait” to an uncomfortable extreme.

I’m at a point where I must agree with Alfred Khan’s sentiment that “Japan is over”. With all the RPG news that I’m flooded with on this site, it’s safe to say that Japan is a creatively bankrupt country. And I use that term loosely. There are so many RPGs with terrible concepts as of this moment. You have to wonder what’s going their minds as they create these trite ass concepts.

I don’t know if there were any bizarre ass concepts back during the 80s, 90s and so forth, but for the most part, RPGs had real down to earth concepts. Many of them were inspired by medivel fantasy and in some cases, science fiction IE monsters like Shin mega…. ten shit, w/e the fuck the name is. I think it was around the 90s where RPGs started taking more inspiration from Japanese anime and had more wilder concepts like giant swords and emo teenagers. Ever since FF7 (yes yes), everyone tried to emulate it’s success by copying the “Emo teen hero” stock, cause I remember JRPG heroes having some actual balls until this game where they all started turning into giant eyed pretty boys. Even then, RPGs maintained a sense of “interesting ideas” (I’ve actually Baroque on the Saturn. That sho is some freaky shit.)

I don’t think it was until that damn Haruhi show that RPGs started taking a nose dive into mediocrityville with incredibly terrible ideas. Many of them involve amnesia like a bad habit. Some even take awesome series like Mega Man X and turn them into crappy moral stories of “friendship”. These are fuckin robots for pete’s sake!

Zelda, you already know. Xenoblade is… iffy. It starts off with a decent concept of 2 giants fighting against each other and a guy’s quest for revenge against oversized robots, but turns into some strange “god complex” where the main character was a vessel for the true villain who created this world by accident…ehg. Pandora’s Tower where some girl has to eat hearts so as to delay and lift a curse (even though she’s vegetarian), turns out the curse doesn’t go away and is instead a possession by a spirit who was originally used in experiments regarding war weapons, Persona 4 where someone’s shadow become’s their personal Pokemon…… So many RPGs get jumbled up with their ideas that even good ones tend to fall apart by the time you get to the end. The ones that are even consistent with their ideas are rare and not usually that much better. Fire Emblem Path of Radiance had an interesting universe where humans and beast-like beings live in racial dis-harmony, but they fuck this concept up in the sequel where there’s the presence of God’s and Demons and apparently magical lolis.

The biggest reason why RPGs are so unappealing nowadays is more than just the tedious ass combat which nerds think is “great” because you waste time in inventory management hell, allocating stat points to confusing and useless skills, but even the content is a turn off. And these days, it’s just… getting… worse. ¬†Now we have RPGs with combat based off teen romance! And BAKING BREAD!

Does this shit look fun to you!?

Ironically, it seems to be the only area Nintendo accels at currently.

Ok, long story short, I got blackmailed into playing this shit because some chick at my job… hates me. Eh… since I can’t keep my mouth closed, she figured out I write this blog, got pissy I dissed RE6 “without playing it“. Cause… you know, you’re supposed to eat poop to know it tastes like shit. And… she caught me in an act that shall remain a mystery to you all.

Seeing she wasn’t going to leave me alone, she pretty much shoved the damn copy in my face and urged me to validate my opinion for fear of losing my job. It is at this moment that I learned that women are evil and that maybe the catholics weren’t too crazy lumping them with a symbolic representation of satan.

Yes. RE6 is that¬†bad. No, scratch that, this game is… it epitomizes everything that is wrong with this industry and multiplies it by 6…. times 3! It’s impossible to think that I might’ve played a game that is officially worse than Skyward Sword. The unthinkable has happened.

Not really an exciting crossover to be honest

Koboyashi shows just how to draw people into video games by opening up the entire game with a quick time event! How many you ask? 3! The first (barely second into the damn game), is lifting your unattractive female partner off her unconscious ass long enough to get inside a broken down building. The second… opening a door (this is a good MINUTE into the game!) The second… shaking off a random zombie that the game allows to capture you! The third? Piloting a chopper that’s gone out of control!

Wow! Now that’s how you open a game! Take the player out of the game by pressing random buttons as though they were watching a movie… or playing Heavy ass Rain! This is without a doubt… the worst thing you can do in the beginning of the game. If you’re a game developer and you’re thinking about stream lining a long running series for the sake of attracting a larger audience, this is NOT the way to go about it. Having QTE’s at the very beginning of the game gives the player a horrid perception of how the entire game will play out. Cause if you just make the person go through several tiny “minigame cutscenes” just to get to the next sequence, the player’s motivation to press through the game will be diminished. Who the fuck wants to play a game full of QTEs?

“But that’s just for the beginning! Surely, the majority of the game isn’t a bunch of QTEs”

……just from reading that, you know it’s the exact opposite. I mean goddamn, if there’s a QTE for you to fumble around a deserted car just to look for some damn keys, you know you’re fucked for the long run.

There are 3 stories centering around Chris Redfield, main character of the series, Leon Kennedy, the fangirl magnet that is only relevant because of RE4’s unwarranted popularity, and Jake Muller, white trash bastard son of Albert Wesker who looks… nothing like Wesker and is more akin to Donte from DmC who tries faaaar too hard to be cool. I mean picture this. He’s on a raft where he gets attacked by multiple enemies. What’s his comment at the end of the ride?

“That was a worse boat ride than the Titanic!”

Oh yes. You will learn to hate him and his shitty one-liners. A good majority of the time you just want someone to give him a kick in the ass. Unfortunately, that’s NEVER going to happen because you see… he’s the son of Wesker meaning he inherited Wesker’s overpowered super human abilities giving Jake more strength and agility than he needs, making him nearly as invincible as his daddy. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, he knows kung fu. You know what that means?

He’s the perfect asshole!

Damn I hate perfect assholes in games and television. Whether it’s the main character in Pacific Rim, Jack from Anarchy Reigns, or Ken Masters from Street Fighter, perfect assholes are the kinds of characters that are douches to everyone around them, but completely flawless in all of their categories. At the same time, we’re damn near expected to love their asses no matter how irritating they are. How fucked is my life that we go from one perfect asshole (Wesker) to this bastard?

Anywho, lets start with the story mode that was…. marginally less irritating but filled to the brim with QTEs. LEON! And his new bitch Helena Harper.

At the start of the game, we see Leon and Helena facing the President of the US… at gun point.

Handsome devil, ain’t he?

 

Head of the Oval Office became a zombie and Leon is forced to pull the trigger. A pivotal plot point that is ignored for the entirety of the game unless used by Simmons as a means to taunt Leon.

Afterwards, you go through the college where the President was apparently going to drop dimes on the US’s dealings with Umbrella…. or something. Here, I find the annoyance of having to traverse chairs and tables because apparently, Capcom thinks it’s ok to not let the player walk over tiny spots of broken chairs. At the same time, you’re trying to help random asswipe #1 find his daughter… only for said daughter to die on an elevator and turn into a zombie with worse acting than Keanu Reeves.

That’s what you get for taking a student loan!!!

 

After that, the heroes try to escape campus via a gate…. BUT FIRST… they need to find a key just to get out the gate. So instead of logically trying to find an alternative route like climbing over the fences just to get out,¬†they go look for the fucking key.

So by now, we have had 2 missions, find a missing daughter and then looking for a missing key that is so far deep into the campus that it’s nearly impossible to find. Great! Fetch quests this early in! Once we find said fucking key, we break out and more zombies pop up, we end up popping them and then hurrying about to find a car. Now.. this part is stupid to the core. You’re in the car, right? Now we’re sitting here flicking the control stick in any and all directions (as the game prompts you to do without the specifics of what in mary fuck you’re supposed to be doing, btw) just to find the damn car keys! Oh yes, you’re gonna be looking for keys all over this game. Once you find the damn key, you get attacked by a zombie from a window… and if you’re playing Leon, you have to literally wait for your partner character to shoot the zombie off of you. This is important to remember. Depending on what character you choose for the scenario, you may have to literally fucking wait… for your partner to help you before you can progress with the game! So lets say you picked Chris instead of Piers Nevan (does that not sound like the most made up name you could think of?). In a final boss confrontation, Chris is grabbed while Piers has to slowly fucking crawl to a C-virus vial just to transform and save your life. Now I timed this… it literally takes a whole minute just for the game to progress after Piers finally gets his slow ass over to the virus.

Back to the car, once your partner has shaken off the zombie, you now have a QTE… to do as R.Kelly says and stick the key into the ignition…. and then to start the mother fucking car.

By this point, my patience and tolerance for idiotic game flow design had worn thin, and it felt like Capcom wanted me to burst a blood vessel. Why the fuck do I have to do so many QTE’s in one sitting? Oh, and here’s the kicker. Once you start the car, you travel about 10 centimeters just so you can crash into a couple of cars in the tunnel where a BIG ASS EXPLOSION occurs. Now you gotta get out and walk! Aint… DAT a bitch!? Not only did you survive a burning explosion that would normally kill anyone, you can still fucking walk! So… of the tunnel was that damn close to the campus, then me fiddling around with trying to find car keys and start the damn thing was a complete waste of time!

Ok so after that, Leon and Helena go through the streets and back alleys fighting their way through zombies in what felt like a proper Resident Evil setting. Surviving the streets against hordes of the undead. This is the least bullshit segment of the entire game, and as such actually set my expectations higher than they needed to be.

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

……FAT FUCK YEER

DIS IS HOW RE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!

Then it all sucks when we find out after all the awesome shit, chapter 1 ends.

So… CHAPTER 2 where we’re in a cemetery… after the impossible of having Leon’s escape bus roll off a cliff…. and they miraculously survive again. It started to annoy me how these characters get themselves in amazingly impossible and dangerous situations and live to tell about them all.

So.. we traverse a cemetery where you got these… bone fucks walking around in the shadows. It’s a creepy part, i’ll admit. And then you got those bastard dogs as well. Man, I hate zombie dogs. They’re so fucking CHEAP! Anywho, after reaching the church where Helena desperately wishes to go for no specific reasons (yet), but then… another gate is closed and we must yet again find a damn key. Luckily enough, there’s a shack next to the gate where the key is stashed. BUT…. instead of the getting the key, one of those asshole zombie dogs jumps into a window and swipes the key in it’s gumline. Now, get this, we have to chase the son of bitch through the cemetery… just to get the damn key.

Now… of all the arbitrary ways to pad out the length of the game, they make you go through this shit whore of a process to continue the game!? Chasing a zombie dog… for another damn key. Once we chase the bastard down, we get the key and go back to the gate and open it…. only for some random zombie to knock Leon over a ledge and fall into a weird… area with several doors. At this point, I didn’t know what the hell kind of church has a garden with doors, or cared. All I know is this is one of those arbitrary sections that lock you away from your partner if only in some vain attempt to instill fear into you. Yeah, I’m looking into my insane pool of ammo shitting myself in terror.

After shortly being reunited with Helena, we go to the front door of the church, but the assholes inside tell me to kill off a certain number of zombies before letting us in. Now… here’s the part that tells you just how scripted this game is. There WERE no zombies in the area, but as soon as I try to get in, the zombies start FLOODING the place! Did they just hear the command or something?

Ugly bastards…

Inside the church, everyone is bitching and moaning about the “Apocalypse” coming while me and Helena start investigating, not giving a shit about what anyone else might see us doing, and we go about the church solving clues and mysteries that might lead us to… w/e it is Deborah wants.

…….And there’s a secret lair with statues that shoot arrows. Dafuq indeed. At this point, Capcom felt it necessary to slap in as many Resident Evil 4 references into the game in some poor attempt at invoking nostalgia by creating useless PUZZLES! So here, we’re in adjacent rooms for no apparent reason, where he have to shut off several statues that might shoot us with arrows… by walking over to them and pressing the switch on their bases. I can’t… for the life of me figure out what masochistic fuckwit thought this shit would be fun. But there’s about 5 waves of statues you simply have to run over to… and shut off.

After that, the game takes control away from you and turns your crosshair settings against your will. If you didn’t like the laser sights of RE4, well take your grief and like it bitch cause the game automatically changes the crosshair into the laser sighting. Why? Because well.. there’s mirrors in the room in which you have to burn with your laser sighting. Why? Well, to open the doors.

Then, after all that shit, you get to the roof to find a BAD ASS SNIPER RIFLE! …….And you have to use it to shoot five churchbells in order to open another passage.

At this point, they’re just shoving meaningless puzzles in your face while pretending that you’re supposed to care. And why does ringing five bells open up a new passage, by any chance?

Anywho, after solving more idiot puzzles, I finally uncover an underground passage. BUT WAIT! Instead, there is a giant monster made out of puffy titties.

This diabolical nipple creature blows out some strange blue gas that turns everyone in the church into raging zombies. So yeah, kill it with firepower! You will never look at Paizuri the same way again!

What was a moderately simple boss fight leads to an underground laboratory where we come to another puzzle. You have multiple doorways with numbers above them. And a machine with a code input. That’s right! Time for Resident Evil’s code puzzles! You have the ability to look in some of the doors and peak at what kinds of zombies are inside. It’s actually pretty cool in some instance, but it’s back to work. Unfortunately, the assholes at capcom scratched off some of the numbers above the doors, so you’re basically typing in random codes to open random doors.

Ok… first off, throw me a fucking bone. Now this game jerks me around with guessing door codes. If that’s the director’s attempt at “creating false tension” like Mikami used to do to dick around people, this is a poor attempt. This does nothing but piss people off by making them guess random numbers. Resident Evil should’ve moved beyond this BS by now.

After moving past the gay code guessing process, we move onto more labs, zombie dogs, stupid bridge puzzles, and the like, we’ve finally come to the secret that Deborah wanted to show us. A video called “happy birthday Ada”. They play the tape and see a cocoon where a NAKED ADA WONG¬†hatches in her slimy glorious birth! See her slimy, silky skin as she pours all over the floor and…. yeah, thats some nasty shit.

The worst lap dance ever.

If you didn’t play the other story paths first, then you’ve basically spoiled the plot twist. They made an Ada Wong clone. WOW!

Then, we immediately exit the labs… and find some underground ruins. Yeah, now the game is just all over the place. First a church with mindless puzzles, then an underground lab, and now some ruins.

But… we managed to find helena’s sister. Yes, this was the person she was looking for all this time. We come to find out 2 things. She was possibly captured and held for ransom, and she’s got a phat ass. Damn white women stealing the black woman’s booty.

Anywho, a boss fight ensues as “Deborah” transforms into some weird slimy spider bitch, and what ensues is one of the most poorly thought out “action set pieces” to ever. Basically, the mines start collapsing around them, and at some point, the characters ride some out of nowhere mine cart that spirals “downward” near low level debris and…. yeah.

And… the whole game is like this, really. It’s just a bunch of random bullshit missions you have to suffer through until you get to the premiere boss battles that all end after several minutes of lame cutscene transitions, you get to short parts where you actually get to DAMAGE the fucker, and then move on with more cinematic hollywood dog shit that Japan seems to think is awesome. Then the monsters have these ridiculous designs that not even fans of Shin Megami Tensei, with all their fucked up tastes, could learn to appreciate.

And the story makes no sense in the long run. You never get a gist of what in the hell is going on. Ok, so there’s a “Neo Umbrella” that is supposed to be Umbrella Corps ressurection, but in the end, you find out it’s a feud between 2 scientists who have some unresolved sexual tension.

……..Yeah, I’m probably not making this up. Some bitch called Carla wants to kill Simmons for some non-specific betrayal, but the most I can gather is that Simmons and Carla were dating, but Simmons wanted Ada Wong’s ass, so Carla spread the C-Virus to implicate Simmons….. I’ve no idea what the fuck is going on, really. To me, the whole game’s story came out due to a lover’s quarrel. And We’re supposed to accept that as the next logical step in Resident Evil’s ongoing legacy of bioterrorism.

This combined with all the arbitrary puzzles shoved into the game simply to pad out 5 short chapters per character makes this whole game feel desperate. It’s cinematic and overwhelming amount of QTEs was tiring and made the game feel more like a choir than a game. It tried to be everything from Heavy Rain to Gears of War (especially with Chris fighting in Edonia). It tried to please everyone, but in the end, pleased no one, not even Capcom’s greedy shareholders. It is the very essence of creatively bankrupt.

Resident Evil 6 is truly the death of Resident Evil and of people’s faith in Capcom’s ability to deliver on the same thrilling chills of the previous titles. And it shows with their ridiculous desires to turn the series into a-

*plays revelations*

……….Holy nutballs, this game kicks ass!

I play black dude. Die like BITCHES!

Despite my furious anger at Gearbox, I still had an inkling of interest in the Borderlands series and wanted to check out the first game, so going by their greatest fears, I had found a GOTY version in the used games section of a Gamestop. Despite all the hype surrounding the whole “first game better than last” syndrome of the fandom, I stood my ground that I was going to hate this game with extreme fervor. As an FPS developed by these scoundrels, it is impossible for-…….holy nutballs, this game is FUN!

It was almost inconceivable. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to find so many legendaries in such a short amount of time. It was also amazing how the weapons were actually USEFUL! In BL2, I was constantly bombarded by living bullet sponges who could absorb everything that wasn’t a perfect critical shot. The game was utterly ridiculous with it’s enemies pumped full of a wretched amount of health and defense. If you weren’t playing a sniping based Zero, your odds of survival were dramatically decreased. And obnoxiously enough, the game had the nerve to toss in enemies with virtually no weakpoints (Big Game Hunt especially) so you were destined to fight a losing battle.

BL1? There’s no pressure at all to find weakpoints. Enemies seem to go down pretty quickly given your accuracy remains stable enough. Certainly, the enemies can still whoop yo ass without much effort (I’m dumbfounded by how ducking behind a rock still can’t protect me from getting nicked), but at the same time, they have very little health to fight with in the first place. Amazingly enough, I’m using some low level weapon I found early on… in the final boss fight! In BL2, you had to immediately ditch w/e weapon you found for another as soon as you go up a few levels in order to ¬†remain competitive against your foes. But in BL1, anything goes. Just use w/e you have at your disposal and not worry so much about stats and more so about strategy! Some of it gets real abusable too.

I LOVE THIS DAMN THING!

The packed in DLC levels didn’t hurt either. Though most of them are quite disappointing, they re hilarious. General Knoxx getting pissed that he took orders from a 5 year old and kept bitching about it while sounding like an elderly Brock Samson from the Venture Brothers was gold. That doesn’t even begin to explain the better menu screens. Barely any lag in coop? Non-disorientating skill tree menu? Easier to find mission log? HELL YEAH!

What a FUCKING relief!

Then there’s the little things such as equipping character skills with different elements. If I wanted the turret or Bloodwing to be on fire or acid, VOILA and thats the fucking end of it! But noooooo, in number 2, the siren gets those perks! The only thing I could piss and moan about was the lack of corner maps to help find out where to go next, the lack of tangible story and how every environment is exactly the same damn barren wasteland/cave/junkyard, and how incredibly short it is, but if that’s the price for a more entertaining and fun ass game, so be it.

BL2 is, at this point, wasted potential. With all it’s bells and whistles, it’s ultimately buried under a pile of bullshit. Lame jokes trying to force memes on the internet (Catch a RIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!), horrid drop rates for any decent weapon in a game where legendary gear is damn near a necessity for most cases, where you’re swamped with “Super Badass Loaders” at every occasion, the game is a complete chore to play in comparison to BL1. It feels like what Capcom did to RE6 and tried WAAAAAAAAAAY to damn hard to make it all “epic” and shit while making it such a drag that it comes crashing down on it’s own self-congratulatory vapid banal ego-driven content. BL1 is nowhere near as obnoxious as it’s sequel. Handsome Jack is still one of the best damn villains in gaming, though. Not to mention it’s actually what I wanted. A kind of Mad Max setting where you’re tearing through assholes trying to look for treasure, not some lame ass “resistance against the big bad corporate dictator” story that always seems to end up the same way in every plotline people come up with.

Unknown jackoff knows of corporation, doesn’t give a shit.
Corporation tries to kill said jackoff for non-specific reasons
Jackoff finds resistance and joins in because justice and… shit.
Jackoff and resistance does well for now.
Jackoff unintentionally leads corporation to the resistance hideout
Resistance is crushed and the leader’s (or significant person) life is now in danger. Jackoff initiates plan to rescue said leader
Jackoff defeats corporation in the process and saves the world.

Yeah, maybe not exactly the way it happened, but most of those details are damned accurate. At this point, it begs to be asked just how widespread this issue is cause I can’t be the only mother fucker in the known universe that sees the unmitigated shitstorm problem of why sequels are not living up to the expectations set by the first installments of their franchises. It is insane just how much disappointment I see in fanbases all across the board. Even the COD fanboys are just about tired of Activision’s bullshit. And damn sho, I’m tired of being disappointed by sequel after sequel where I’ve come to find that the devs or publishers schemed to completely fuck up some of the best franchises of all time, not just fucking them up, but destroying legacies by the dozen.

The utter banality that is the continuation of any franchise that started sometime in the 90s is literally impossible to escape, and it even seems that younger series that got their start in the 7th generation have already ¬†gotten devs and pubs scheming to destroy their products with utter greed. We’re talking about an FPS/RPG hybrid that was completely fine in the first installment, but then some hippie asshole comes up and says that “our happiness is not profitable“! Afterall, in the religion of capitalism, keeping people in a state of anxiety and despair equates to creating demand for rampant DLC practices! So lets completely fuck up the damage scaling and make damn near every weapon you receive completely useless so that you’d be desperate enough to buy some Hunter upgrade pack just to be able to get through…. yet another unbalanced difficulty mode! And what would the reward be? Well, a collection of more useless fucking weapons! Well done!

Businesses that sell you things you actually need could get away with nickel and diming you for shit services because in your mind, you will actually need these services to go about your daily life. Junk entertainment is nothing you need at all. The crazy fucks in the industry, however, think they can get away with the same practices. Which is unfortunately working at the moment, seeing that most of the gaming public is now too terrified to leave their houses and buy things in a physical medium so that they have a semblance of ownership over their purchased products. So instead, everything is digital, even access to half the shit already on the CDs! Why is it that I can’t gain access to fighting game characters that are already on the game Netherrealm, Crapcom, Sony, etc? Afterall, 2 of these asshole factories had the nuts to release special editions with access to all the characters on the damn discs anyway.

Apparently, the game industry has gone MIA from the sanity department and jumped straight in a water filled with Great Whites as they ceaselessly destroy sequel after sequel in either an attempt to cheat you out of your money or to share a new “creative vision” that is in complete opposition to the wishes of the audience for no other reason than to attempt what could be considered selling teabags to customers who asked for Starbucks quality coffee! In no other entertainment industry have I ever seen a bunch of artistic douchbags imitate the insurance industries by fucking their customers over and over again while still expecting them to pony up for the impromptu involuntary ass fuckings.

None of this speaks louder than Nintendo’s desire to shove in as many assist trophies into Super Smash Bros. 4 in some vain attempt to apologize for not doing the logical thing and making some of those awesome assist trophies playable fucking characters! Have you seen most of the announcements for new characters come from the alternatively named pokeball characters are people who we’d actually prefer to be in this game over the Wii-fit assholes and the Village Idiot? Who’s that chick from Kid Icarus? I mean the last thing we need is a character worthy of being playable! No, lets shove that unholy bitch into statue format, and the audience had damn well better appreciate the fact that she’s at least given some “recognition” because…. in the depths of our own psyhosis, that’s all the nerds really care about! We saw it on GoNintendo.com, it must be true!

Start the water works!

Here’s a idea for you Sakurai, if the overwhelming amount of assist trophies are much cooler than the current roster you have for Super Smash Bros. then you have a problem and need to take your bitch ass back to the drawing board. Words cannot describe how utterly pissed I was when Lyn was announced as a goddamn trophy! Afterall, I needed more than just 2 piddly reasons (Ike and Sonic) to make up for the loss of my Mewtwo and the severely massive nerfs to some of the best characters (IE my Fox, Ganon and Mario) if only out of some misguided attempt to keep the game out of the hands of tourneyfags because you simply don’t adhere to their philosophy of playing to win. I don’t care what the reasons are. The assist trophies are a stupid addition to the series and only serves as an excuse for Nintendo to not do extra work on making more playable characters. Balance, you say? There’s no such thing in the world of fighting games! Either make them playable or keep them in the trophy menu.

Of course, I should expect no less from Japanese developers. These assholes would prefer nothing more than removing all semblance of player choice in video games altogether if it meant you playing the game the way they envisioned with no regard for your entertainment whatsoever. The Pokemon games could vouch for that with the amount of ways to obtain one pokemon vastly reduced to a limited and tedious process like Honey Trees or by trading with other people who may or may not have the Pokemon you desire. Or how about Resident Evil 6 with no regard for your desire to retrace your steps back to previous rooms in a game and have the mother fucking gall to place invisible walls in an auditorium so the only thing you can do is jump over a guard rail to initiate a fight against a mother fucking zombie T-Rex. Really crapcom? No wonder the gaming public ripped you a new asshole over the set piece ridden world of Resident Reposeful.

And the Jake and Sherry Campaign was the WORST fucking part of the whole title!

 

If it’s not the games that radically change all the elements of a game to fit their business or creative desires, it’s the sequels that change nothing but exemplify the WORST aspects of their prequels! What was the point of paying for Rayman Legends or NSMBU other than to have a graphically super version of the vanilla editions? This is laziness of the umpteenth degree! Not only does Rayman Legends not improve on anything Origins did, it also adds in little obnoxious bullshit gimmicks like Murfy so that you can solve puzzles while running away from a 1-hit kill firewall in a scripted running segment. I’ve never seen such disorientatingly horrific game design like this since Mega Man Network Transmission. There’s just some shit you cannot do in 2D platformers to rival 3D platformers in any way, what would you need to do so for? 2D Platformers are automatically superior by way of not needing to fiddle with the fucking camera, but you expect me to treat it like a 3D platformer by handing me 20 trillion smurf looking fuckers to find just to unlock, are you ready for this?…….. character skins. Not even cool ones, just a bunch of random shitty skins like “Lol character swapped color palettes”. That’s the best you can give me for a bloated fetch quest!? How about one of those hot bitches you took out from the last game being playable characters!? That’s motivation enough! Then again, I can’t imagine why I would bother unlocking them anyway, the main game is done and over with and as anti-climatic as that final boss was, it wouldn’t be worth the sex appeal anyway.

Holly Luya indeed.

Amma knows I was just about sick of Namco’s ass fuckings when concerning the state of the Soul Calibur franchise bursting it’s bubble of prosperity almost immediately after SC2 gave Zelda fans an actual Link that was so badass, he could rival the entirety of the SC cast just by having the strongest set of lungs in the world. Hey, here’s a grnd idea! Lets remove fan favorites like Kilik, Sophitia, Taki, Talim and hell lets toss the token nigga in the mix… and replace them with some bitch with a crystal ball and claws! It’s such a genius idea to invoke so many animu tropes in a game that was nearly void of any of that bullshit simply because, like every other japanese developer in the world, and focus on those goddamned otaku shit stains that aren’t even considered worthy of the air breathe! I can’t have Kilik because a monkey with a tapeworm is just that much more Kawaii to you asswipes? If I had to hear one more deathcry from him yelling “FOOOOOOOOOOOOD” for no other reason than to exaggerate his non-comical eating disorder, I will shit chain saws.

Lets not forget the idiocy of making Guard Impacts completely special move based and as complicated to remember because “we at Namco don’t value the absolute necessity for seasoned fans to get into a sequel because we want every game to be “unique” or some retarded shit” and then have the nerve to make guard impacts completely dependent on 2D fighting game logic of needing a goddamned fighting guage to activate the techniques. If SF3 Turd Strike necessitated super gauges just to pull off a single parry, the assholes at SRK would never ride the game’s nuts as much as they do. Soul Calibur is already far too lenient on button mashers in which the window for pulling off GI’s are too small now for some reason, now you remove their importance entirely for the sake of what fucking reason!? To make it “accessible” to newer players that DIDN’T buy the game anyway? Sure, we could take the bullshit about the game being rushed, but there was absolutely NO good reason to change the commands for character moves a SECOND/THIRD time in a row, or remove characters, turning Kilik and Sophitia both into mimics while also putting in Weapon Master making a totaly ¬†of 3 different mimics, or making GI’s absolutely worthless and non-existent.

Soul Calibur 5 wasn’t rushed, it was made by some asshole on the Tekken team that wanted to literally kill the franchise if only so that he wouldn’t have to work on 2 different fighting games at one time. Nothing says this more than the inclusion of a “Devil Jin” soul in the CAS mode. Shameless promotion? Oh fuck no, this is Japanese passive aggression at it’s finest!

Even recent series that I start to get into immediately get fucked up, for whatever reason Ratchet and Clank Into The Nexus is such a bad game that I can’t bring myself to shut the hell up about it. If the inability to change the control presets and wretchedly short game length were no problem, then certainly it’s just how UN-Ratchet the game feels. There’s literally no comedy¬†which was probably one of the major elements of the Ratchet and Clank series, turning the game into a more mild version of Sonic 06. Yes, I’m aware that Dead Space was a pretty popular survival horror game at some point, but Ratchet and Clank is not Dead Space! Putting “dark” areas in the game with eerie music and more fucked up looking villains that seem reminiscent of the Borg from Star Trek the Next Generation does not count as a Dead Space game! Especially considering that halfway through the game, the devs decided to ditch the “horror” element, w/e horror there was, and go back to a poor imitation of previous Ratchet and Clank titles without the funny or interesting environments.

By then, the game felt more obnoxious than cool, and the developers had the nerve to put in a museum of their past characters such as Drek or that guy from Deadlocked. And for some reason, the creator of the series feels the need to stamp his ass into the game in some vain attempt to gain creator god status amongst internet nerds so that he may be worshipped in the same way as Shigeru Miyamoto. Having a game that pisses me off with it’s wannabe AAA production values, buggy ass gameplay, shitty gimmicked Clank levels that you can’t skip and aren’t even remotely as fun as the clank modes in UYA or TOD, is not gonna warrant my lips stapled to your ass! The sheer self-congratulatory sequence of the museum right before the tedious “city under invasion” sequence reeks of “trying to hard to be epic” with what is one of the most anti-climatic final showdowns in the series yet. The final game in the Future series has no actual closure to the story of Ratchet’s separation anxiety from other Lombaxes in the series and could be mistaken for a mild spinoff. The only redeeming quality would’ve been the female villain that could actually be treated as a threat since Chairman Drek… up until the bitch gets captured and the game goes into the whole “what have I done” shtick of amateur writing that has pervaded the entertainment industry for quit some time now.

And I’m STILL seeing this fuckin movie, even though Ratchet looks retarded.

For once in this or last generation, I would like for a sequel that actually exceeds expectations instead of sending them shattering through the pits of the underworld where Ausar anxiously awaits to feed the souls of these horrid abominations to the jaws of Ammut. Ironically, the only sequel that manages to be decent came directly from Platinum Games. Yeah. Anarchy Reigns not only plays better than it’s Wiitarded cousin Madworld, but also has the decency to put itself in color so you wouldn’t get lost in the sprawling overworld mazes because every landmark you could find blends in too fucking well with the Sin City nut riding aesthetics. Add to it the lack of QTE styled death blows that got a little too repetitive for my tastes, and it’s an alright beat em up game that only suffers due to having only 4 stages and the same banality of needing to complete missions in order to gain a high score just to progress, making the game slower paced than Sonic’s Lost Mind! My one true hope, and I’m serious, is that if Guilty Gear Xrd comes stateside, it won’t be some ass fucked sequel as most other fighting games have become.

……..If this game does not kick ass…….

 

*sigh*

As people get older and times change, I realize more and more that people wish that they could go back in time. Back to an era of good music. Back to an era of good films. Back to an era of cheaper gas. Back to an era of rational laws. Back to an era where it’s not hard to get it up. And for us folks… back to an era where our favorite franchises didn’t suck ass.

I can count off at the top of my head every game series I enjoyed that has turned to shit these days. So much content fluctuation has given me cranky gamer syndrome¬†for days. It seems like every developer that gets a hold of a series feels some impulsive need to change everything people loved about these franchises out of some irrational desire to reintroduce the property to a substituted audience. Whether it be children or the lowest common denominator of people who watch anything that looks like a trainwreck because standards have been dropped through the fifth levels of the underworld, straight through planet earth and into the burning sun. And that’s really the thing that bugs me. It feels like people decide that a fan that has been with the series for years is no longer important. Once you graduate from high school, you’re nothing to people that have a need to sell. Sonic, Castlevania, Resident Evil, w/e it is. It’s like people within the entertainment industry get spooked when audiences get old so they go through plastic surgery to try and alter everything about a series just to appeal to a younger crowd out of the assumption that when you come out of the womb, your tastes in entertainment are automatically¬†different than the shit your parents enjoyed. Everyone goes berzerk and do more harm than good.

NO! NOT I!!!

Then, I play Bomberman Ultra or w/e is on PSN. It’s at this point I realize that despite Act Zero’s…. nonsense, Bomberman has never changed. It is literally the only franchise in the world¬†that has decided to stand it’s ground and not lose it’s identity in a misguided attempt at maintaining relevance. This is one guy that I’m sure everyone could call a trooper. The games rarely change their tone or general gameplay.

My first experience with Bomberman was actually on the N64 with …B64. It was an alright game, I thought the single player was a bore, but dat music was incredible. I think it was only the 64 games that had all the good music. But then, I got Atomic Bomberman on PC and I didn’t look back. The game was the tits! Each Bomber having their own color coded explosions, the kick ass soundtrack, all the silly one liner commentary (“YOU DROPPED A BOMB ON MEEE”)

Color coded explosions ruled

Bombs too

This was the shit!

I never really understood why everyone hates this game so much. Sure it’s more over the top and not as “cutsy” as the original games, but damn it was awesome! And faster paced.

After the N64 era, it seems as with every other franchise after Sony took over everything, Bomberman completely vanished. It was no longer on the radar. We’ve had a couple of games (Generations and Jetters, along with those handheld titles), Grand Theft Auto and the numerous racing games modeled after Fast and the Furious took everyone by storm. Now, EVERY game had to be that way or hit the highway. The whole “kiddy” label was running rampant in this generation. Any game carrying that name was a disgrace to gaming! It’s not so highly sought after like it is these days, it was an insult back then. It’s like how people seek to be fat and gay as it becomes fashionable. Vices of the past become fashions of the present.

Reason being is, of course, this.

As you can see, eyebrows ascended into the heavens.

So now you got mother fuckers going around proclaiming how awesome it is that things get “cuter”. It’s to avoid shit like Act Zero from happening again.

But regardless of Hudson’s desire to quickly make up for it in the form of Bomberman Live, it’s something they were able to live down but never recover from. It’s absolutely crazy how people would regard Bomberman as a significant franchise….. and yet there is NO discussion of it’s merit whatsoever. Nothing about the quality of the games in the series, strats or tips for games, universe consistency,¬†nothing.

I’m in the mindset that Bomberman was never popular to begin with and is only significant to the hardcore, and here I am praying I am wrong. Afterall, the series is already marred by a lack of marketing as it is, people can’t come to what they don’t know. The only game that sold well in the series was Bomberman 64.

Weird, but awesome 90s advertising.

Here’s the thing about series that people actually feel are significant. One, people know the traditional gameplay format and actually enjoy it. I don’t know a single a person that despises Bomberman’s gameplay, but it sho¬†ain’t the talk of the town. Aside from 64 and Hero, the gameplay could be said to have stagnated as it has not improved much after the late 90s. The most they have now are new gameplay modes that no one bothers with, and little stupid “play dress up with crappy cartoony costumes” gimmicks. To my knowledge, Bomberman Jetters was the last game to actually add a few new features to it’s battle mode such as new level features like setting off rockets on people or having weather effect bomb detonation times (weird) as well as character specific special attacks (Flame Bomber was so broken). Beyond that, though, there isn’t that much more you can do with Bomberman’s gameplay.

Other than that, no one really knows about the series content (does it have content?). The main character isn’t exactly anyone’s cup of tea.

……even Kirby looks cooler.

Do you know what the fuck he’s supposed to be? Alien? Robot? Apparently the latter, I think the first game was about a robot Bomber wanting to become human. I think that failed for the most part as he looks nothing like Lode Runner¬†later on in the series.

Or maybe this guy’s the original, idk…

 

He’s supposed to have his own arch nemesis known as Bagular or something.

Aw shit. They took Robotnik and Wily and forced them to go FUUUUUUUUUUUUU… SION! HAAAAAAAA! And what’s dat monocle?

Yeah, this fat bitch has been in several games in the series, most notably Bomberman Hero. He had like a red gas mask on in that game.

Does he not look like a pissed off santa claus?

So it’s like… he just started shit for no reason. Got his ass whooped so much from Bomberman 94, Super B 3 and 4, Neo B, B Hero, B World, B Wars and B Portable. He was supposedly responsible for creating the original 5 evil bombers from Super Bomber 1-3 I think.

Shit, I don’t even know what the series is about. It’s mostly just a random collection of levels where you kill stuff and move on. Kill bosses and move on to the next area. I don’t think people actually like the single player modes (and I know damn well people hated 64’s, Generations and Jetters slow ass puzzle fests) After multiplayer was brought into the series, that’s Bomberman’s trademark. Single player should honestly be like Bomberman Hero without the puzzles… and vehicles. Using the old format of bombing enemies to proceed is far too slow a pace for anyone to care for several levels on end. It’s too damn repetitive. It’s probably the reason why the international versions of Bomberman Blast on the Wii has no single player mode to speak of.

At the same time, it’s gotta feel like hell when the main character you play is a normal bomberman with basic abilities, while your enemies are enhanced bombers with magnet powers, daggers, flight, giant green shield waves or w/e awesome shit they can muster. And the evil bombers look cooler to boot.

Man, Bomberman looks sooooo lame in comparison to his competition.

Not to mention just how badly they would kick your ass! I mean they were probably the hardest bosses to ever fight in any game, they would just wreck your shit with no lube!

Fuck Orion

I think the N64 games were the only ones with decent content in them aside from Atomic. The music was actually decent and it tried to be a cool series of games.

Even the villains were tight.

After that, though, Hudson went into lame land and started making the series childish again. They tried to capitalize off the success of Pokemon with a Blue a Red version called “Bomberman Max” and had their own rip off pokemon called Charaboms.

Sweet Ra….

Needless to say, those plans backfired since Charaboms were implemented horribly. Battles played out in “programming simulations” where you select 3 set of strategies (Attack, Defend, Special) and watch the battle play out. Essentially, they made it into a gambling match where you wing it in a 3 round literal rock paper scissors match.

They were rightfully ditched after Jetters, though, but to no avail, it did nothing for the series image. So afterward, the series started going into some themepark shit called “Bomberman Land” where the heads started becoming ovals as they’re “just cuter” and it devolved into minigame bullshit. And the bombers got even lamer.

He doesn’t even have the mean Yakuza stare anymore!

People didn’t even want to go near the series anymore. Actually, people just up and forgot it exists. The only time anyone paid attention was with Act Zero’s make over. But the one thing that strikes me oddly is that people don’t let shit go in the video game world. We are STILL hearing about Sega’s terrible fuck up with the Saturn. Sonic 06 is STILL bitched about even though even SEGA wants to forget it ever happened. Act Zero? Hey, it’s cool man, w/e.

That’s a sure sign no one cares about Bomberman. It’s been under-promoted and is given no attention by the media as far as games go. You’ll never find a more isolated franchise that people consider important to this very day.

At the same time, the multiplayer aspect doesn’t resonate with todays anti-social OCD ridden teenagers/hardcore. Bomberman really only works in local multiplayer, it’s a party type of game. The kicking, the screaming, the random nature and accident prone tendencies the series produces creates an atmosphere that turns anyone into a kid inside. Online is the dimension of¬†incredibly¬†anal tourneyf- … I mean players who stress the importance of superiority in skill above all else. Bomberman’s multiplayer hasn’t been suitable for tournaments since… ever. These folks strip games down to their mechanics habitually. Not to mention that there’s far too many games that appease the online desires that pervade the hardcore world that Bomberman can’t really compete. ¬†I’m playing Ultimate MVC3 (yeah, I bought it) and this bitch is prompting me 3 fucking times that I am not signed into PSN! I ain’t trying to risk a seizure trying to play some asshole who won’t stop spamming Zero’s asshole combos. With an environment that is dedicated to the alpha male, Bomberman is not worthy. How many people are still playing Bomberman Live now? How many people bought Bomberman Blast? Ultra?

We’re fuckin lucky people still talk about Sonic these days. Or even Pac Man (Got a tie-in cartoon/toy deal too). Bomberman isn’t even on the map. It’s one of the more under-discussed franchises around. Has no real controversy, has no real fanbase to speak of, and has no virtual success beyond the digital realm apparently. How is it that people can go around and consider Bomberman to be a significant mascot…. when no one gives a damn about the series?

On the other hand, I suppose it’s a good thing. People can just up and play the games without losing sleep over some crap some asshole might’ve said over the internet about it’s gameplay. IF… they care enough to play in the first place.

The map designers went to spec savers?

For a while, I’ve been considering getting a 3DS for Pokemon XY. Funds are good, there’s a cheaper model or coming out, and I’ve been wanting that Shinobi title as well. But quite frankly, I have no motivation to play anymore Pokemon games. Black and White are going to be my final entries.

The game boasts a lot about it’s features including 3D battles which aren’t even new, trainer customization which isn’t enough to justify a purchase (though still nifty), the stupid “horde battle” system where you fight 5 pokemon at once makes no sense and seems like an arbitrarily desperate addition, Fairy types don’t sound appealing in the slightest and they don’t make any real sense in themselves, having battles that are limited to certain pokemon based on terrain (though realistic) is unneeded (sky battles), etc. None of these features really seek to make the game much more exciting but further bloat the game to convince people of how new it is. When I hear there’s a new feature that catered to easier EV training, my interest dropped completely. The games are still successful (maybe not as much as before), but it feels like a key ingredient is missing. These new Pokemon games seem to be obsessed with features that don’t really do a damn thing for you.

I remember when Gold and Silver first came out and a lot of the adverts were going on about “a new world to explore”. All this stuff about “Do the Johto!” and what not. The fact that you had a new region to explore was considered a feature in itself amongst having new pokemon to catch and train. And I think that’s one of the reasons Pokemon keeps selling.

People in general have an inherent desire to travel and explore the world. No one likes being couped up in one area of their lives for a long time (which was why being stuck in level 2 made us crazy back then). You want to get out more, you want to see new places, new people, and just have some grand adventure in a massive world. And Pokemon just taps into that desire. It felt like you really were a part of the game world in a sense. Along with capturing and training Pokemon, you might just run into a random stranger’s house or some small town, each with it’s own history, mythos, or what may have you. It was different from other RPGs in that you were just expected to run around and try to save the world (which, unfortunately, is what Pokemon turned into nowadays), so having NPCs that talked about shit you didn’t care about felt natural and… idk, “organic”. Each place you visited also had¬†personality. If you went to Celadon City and then to Vermillion City, the atmosphere is completely different from each other. People have different values and outlooks on life much like in the real world. Just because you found one cave in one part of the region didn’t mean the next cave you go into will have the exact same atmosphere (most of the time). You know? Pokemon was like a book without pages, you really did go places.

Even the Gym Leaders had personality. They were treated like human beings instead of just random NPC code. Some would be out “doing something” like random dates or just out crying about their problems before heading into a match against you.

After Ruby and Sapphire, Pokemon Worlds feel more artificial than need be. One big animu clusterfuck about the power of friendship and “prepubescent kids save the world from big evil criminal organization that wants to rule the world”. The worlds themselves have less of a priority and take a back seat to a long a tedious narrative about the evils of the big bad group of evil doers. The worlds get much smaller and less complex (BW map is a giant ass circle for pete’s sake) further adding to it’s artificiality, and the NPCs now go on and on about the game’s features. The C-gear which I doubt anyone bothered to use is king of gospel in Unova. And I swear if I had to hear anymore about that global terminal and the need to save my game every once in a while. Hell, I’d take those “top percentage of Rattata” phone calls over those that go giddy over the ability to trade pokemon over the internet.

The problem I find is that Pokemon World’s are dependent on the evil teams to compel you to move forward. The towns and sub dungeons no longer carry a nigh realistic presentation of how real world towns and people are, they’re just locations on a map that you have¬†to visit to complete a quest. All just so you can defeat this evil time. The games no longer feel like adventures as a result.

So the most advertised features are no longer about new worlds (or hell, even new pokemon) but silly features that they think enhances the gameplay. I don’t feel that people ever get excited about “new features” in video games outside of characters, their abilities, and the worlds you get to explore. Personally speaking, Poke-amie or w/e sounds like shoving Nintendogs features into the game. And the fairy type is the most uncool typing ever introduced. At least Dark and Steel had a bit of edge to them. At worst, these features feel as though they were added to show off hardware capabilities than actually adding something to the game (Horde/Sky battles). As a result, the game world suffers (its like they recycled BW’s map and added another circle in X and Y) and becomes smaller and recycled from previous games.

Trip part is this decay in game world design also creped into Zelda games. Link Between Worlds feels more artificial as the game outright tells you that you need specific items in order to enter dungeons and cannot be accessed until you have purchased an item. Playing Skyward Sword, I can safely say that its the most mechanical Zelda game of all time (the game even admits to this via Goddess Hylia “planning everything for you”).¬†So it seems to be an inherent problem at Nintendo in which the game worlds are no longer important to them. For Pokemon, it’s a sad ass case.

There’s no real excitement anymore. Pokemon games are now just going through the motions of choosing your first asset and going through to predetermined towns and routes just to fight the evil teams. All with pointless features you will never use.

Featuring Spectral Force Genesis

It’s a strange feeling, yah know? As soon as I buy a BS3, I can walk into a retail store and find a fuck load of games that I’d actually be interested in. Oh looky, there’s an MGS collection and Borderlands 2!?

Retailers are so biased against the Wii. All these stores carry is licensed shit, Skylanders, and Fucking Just Dance.

I swear, if I see another damn game with this exact title….

I think K-Mart will be my new Amazon. It’s amazing how a shit shack of a store has some of the rarest games that people will kill for. Kinda wish I had a 2DS to justify buying Shinobi 3D. It’s taunting me so.

But eh, I settled for Spectral Force Genesis, a game that advertises itself as a hybrid of 3 different genres. War sim, RTS, and RPG. Seeing as it’s rare for the Japanese to do anything right when it comes to JRPGs, I was somehow drawn to this game.

…..Sue me.

Anywho, I remember playing one RTS, it was Red Alert 2 on the PC, and I remember actually enjoying it despite all the computer centrism involved. Preparing troops, getting cheddar, vantage points, rocketeers, the awesomeness that as Yuri, Tanya’s titties, and more glorified fantasies of America going to war with Russia. It was a fucking cool game. Anything that is in real time is much more enjoyable than all the turn-based crap that Japan usually puts out. It’s rare to find any strategy game from Japan that is in real time, so seeing that on the back of the box was like…. “SOLD”.

So, I roll home, cut open the packaage, popped this bitch in, and in less than 4 minutes, I am treated to this screen.

I had to read that again to make sure I wasn’t about to play a video game version of the IRS.

Idk about you, but seeing some random animu chick smiling while talking about taxes is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.

After this and some more screens, I got back in my car, rolled back to K-Mart and got my 10 bucks back immediately.

I might not have played many strategy games, but this game……mmmmMM! It’s amazing. Most other games you’d have to give at least a good week before you can see all the flaws in the works. If you need only 4-10 minutes, goddaaaaaamn.

I don’t know what it is, but perhaps the reason JRPGs aren’t popular is because Japan knows fuck all about how to make them compelling beyond titties. SFG, however, fails on levels beyond all rhyme and reason in being a strategy game, plain and simple. Nowhere in this tiny chip lies any design philosophy that is anywhere near the terms of logic and cohesion. I couldn’t fathom why any fool would put this up for 10 bucks.

Maybe just to see some random soldier ruin Raz’s shampoo commercial.

The basic premise of Spectral Force Genesis is that an entire continent is at war with itself with 40 different nations fighting for control over that tiny island. Similar to the Sengoku period, everyone wants to conquer the 40 nations just to unify the land for peace (fucking roffle), and that’s done by going to war. You know….. “Order out of Chaos” that jazz. So the game allows you to build defenses, tax people for money, choose ranking for generals, invade neighboring governments, conquer and claim generals….. if you played some game called “Risk” or “RoShamBo”, you get the idea.

I’m not familiar with the Spectral Force series beyond this:

So for me, it’s a safe bet to say that if it’s always been like this, it’s always been shit. I mean really, there’s a series of games that jerk you around like this? And this company is not begging for change at a bus stop for producing shit like this?

Considering there’s a bunch of nerds over the internet that live to literally defend every shitty RPG that exists just for the sake of validating their love of animu poon, I’m sure my reasons for saying this game is shit based on a professed hatred of RPGs in general, a lack of understanding for it’s oh so “deep and complex” battle system (if you could call it that), or perhaps it’s me judging the game based on previous experience with Red Alert 2 which, up until now, was the only RTS I’ve played, along with that one Ipod game whose name escapes me but that’s aside the point. Whatever the case may be for you, it is literally impossible for anyone to take your bullshit on this game being “average” to “Mediocre”. The term “niche” is damage control at worst.

If anything would be true, it’s that yes, I AM judging this game based off of 2 other strategy games I’ve played prior. Why the fuck wouldn’t I bother otherwise, they both seemed to have more fun factor and logical design despite the ease of getting into the game. Thanks to those games, I only need list 2 reasons for why this game is absolute shit beyond all reason.

For one, I was under the impression that

1. Strategy games VISUALLY TEACH YOU EVERYTHING.

Playing Red Alert 2 and shit like Fire Emblem, Path of Radiance, I had to go through quite a few levels learning basics such as troop generation, money allocation, resource management, unit descriptions, building bases, capturing bases, Rock/Paper/Scissors, that kind of shit. Why? Because Strategy games are complex in nature. Why? Because you are the manager. In nature, being a manager sucks hard because that is a huge responsibility. You have to monitor and regulate everything that is operated by you. That said, you need to have a basic grasp of everything that is under your control.

A: What are your units and/or unit types.

B: What advantages and disadvantages they have.

C: What are the benefits of using these methods over another.

The complexity doesn’t come from learning, persay, but how you utilize these units/camps/functions for any given situation. That said, you need to be fully aware of how these things work if you are to become efficient in being probeastgodmode.

Problem is SFG barely teaches you shit beyond the bare minimum. Lets say for instance that whole “tax screenshot” up above. During the course of that tutorial, you get a message not to have high taxes because no one wants to live in a nation with high taxes (which begs the question of why people keep coming to the US anyway when you have to be ass-fuckin rich just to live here, especially with that mandated health insurance in just one month). Problem is I see no consequence of taxing anyway since that’s how I magically get funded. I have NO information about citizens that live within my “territories” persay. I don’t think I have any citizens. Perhaps it has something to do with gaining troops, but I’m not sure how that works either. I play through a little while and jut randomly gain more troops via random “medical visits”. And I lose troops due to plagues or whatnot. I have no idea what benefit the taxing mechanic has beyond getting money. There’s the commerce thing where I can sell and by exported goods for cash, that’s simple enough to understand, but gaining goods is rare and confusing in itself. I assume I can only do this by looting other nations for goodies, but it rarely ever works in my favor. I also have the ability to change the ranks of my Generals. If I want a tactician, I can assign uh, lets say the guy with the Braveheart make upand let him do……something. If I wanted a Diplomat, I assign the kid called “Neu”, the only name I can remember. Reprisentitive, Raz Raz for the “sex-craved perverted nation”. I do all this for…..what exactly? I’m never really told. I assume that this would somehow allow me to “persuade” other generals in joining me, but since it’s an RPG hybrid, there’s a % chance that I could sway any General to my army. Tacticians don’t do anything as far as I’m concerned, and the reps…..wha?

See, there’s little explanation of how most of these mechanics benefit me in anyway. Oh I know how this piddly ass battle system works, as basic as that shit is, but otherwise, all elements outside of battle are, more or less, arbitrary distractions that have no real benefit to you. Why is that? It has everything to do with static diagram tutorials.

This is just a fucking picture with some arrows and text. how2lazy

Look at that picture. ” Use the stylus for battle” and “Some troops have advantages over others”. You’re not really shown how all of this works during the tutorial, you’re just given some random manual and then told to go at it, barely understanding anything the manual tells you. Ok, so you don’t really need much info about “Attack beats Magic, Magic beats Defense” yadda yadda,

In Red Alert 2, I’m given info on different units and their benefits (Rocketeers can fly to different terrain and take out enemies in different vantage points) as well as their vices (they’re weak to flak cannons so I need to deal with those first before using rocketeers). In Fire Emblem, I’m told that priests can heal my other units, but they can’t fight for shit, so keep them out of harms way. Then some shit about support convos that I will never understand, but they somehow benefit me so… find them when the opporunity rises… I guess. I get some sort of idea of what I have control over and exploit the advantages of all. Why is that? They actually SHOW how it’s done by giving you little missions during the tutorial. In this game, since it’s trying to be a hybrid of 3 genres, I’m given all the battle information, but hardly anything else on the paper work side of things like taxation and it’s consequences. I can only assume that high taxes prevents me from getting troops, but shit, I barely get troops anyway. I don’t see the benefits or consequences of any of my actions, so I am forced to go through the awful trial and error process of pissin and cheering for w/e reason.

This means A guy will be positioned at the top, sexy black M girl will be in the middle at the rear, and bishonen white D kid will be at the bottom. Did you get that? I sure as hell didn’t!

Lacking information also affects battles too, You see this screen prior to a battle, right? With that, you just choose which generals you want to fight and go at it. What’s wrong with that? Well, strategy games often let you see what the enemies themselves are capable of. IE the generals have no info for you to see. So the Rock/Paper/Scissors element is predicated on luck. If you send out 2 Magics and 1 Defense, you might wind up against 2 Attacks and 1 Defense which puts you at a significant disadvantage. But there’s nothing you can do to prevent that, why? Because the generals are randomly selected, and you have no way of seeing that. Think of it like Pokemon Stadium or Battle Frontier where you’re pitted against random pokemon and are forced to deal with that as is. The problem here is that the only real advantage you have on hand is how many troops you have over the other. That creates a big problem, why? Because the system of Rock/Paper/Scissors is wasted potential, and only serves to mislead players into thinking that because they have some sort of “type advantage” that they can win. Not that they just have more men on hand.

You see, it’s the lack of information regarding uses and benefits that really harms this game. It’s too damn esoteric for it’s own good. Not that it matters anyway. You see, I was under the impression that

2. Strategy games offered freedom of experimentation.

I think it goes without saying that a managerial position is a position of power. That said, you control everything, or as much as humanly possible. You control where the resources go, you control how units fight and interact in the field of battle, you controls what supplies your troops have on hand, etc. Most of all, you control the money. Power is responsibility, and management means you decide almost everything.

The problem with SFG is that……. you control nothing.

Screaming at them won’t make them give up their scheduling jobs.

That’s right. It’s a strategy game that literally decides damn near everything for you. You see, the game operates in “phases”. IE you perform certain tasks during certain events. Or in this case, certain months. One month, it might be tax season, the next month might be foreign affairs season, the next month would be ass-whippin time, etc. The problem is there’s no way to dictate when these events will be held, it just….. happens.

Lets say you want to do taxes, but it’s not the month for that. You have to wait 1-7 months in total before you can do taxes on your citizens because dammit you need money and troops. Yes, taxing¬†is the only way to increase your troops for each of your generals. But you can’t increase them without some random medical visits that occur during the battle month (from my experience at least).

I was wondering the same thing.

The problem with the waiting period is the Japanese go-to mechanic for pure laziness, and that is the goddamn RNG. What this means is only Amma knows when you can do taxes again. It might be in 2 months, it might be after 2 battle months when you’re possibly invaded up the ass and lacking in troops and walls to keep those fuckers out. It could be after human affairs which doesn’t do shit for you, who knows?

Plus, you lose troops and status based on factors that are completely outside of your control or knowledge.

When you look at the tax situation from this standpoint, you can see how everything falls apart. The lack of control in determining how you get to prepare for anything is EXTREMELY harmful for a strategy game of any sort. You need nigh infinite control as a manager in order to ensure that you are prepared for battles. How can you be the LORD of your own governance and have no say when it comes to dictating WHEN you and your house of reps get to decide when to do anything!? If you are the LORD, then the game should bend to YOUR will. YOU experiment/prep/etc. and then see if all your prep time paid off or not. That’s how a strategy game should work. A Strategy game is destroyed by the very existence of the RNG. Tis why Fire Emblem is shit to this very day (along with being turn-based). SFG literally plays itself in this regard. You’re just a willing accomplice watching how the game masturbates to it’s animu bullshit.

The RNG destroys everything about this game. For example…

Since I’m not given any real info, I assume that an increase in my domain’s status would make it attractive for generals to come running to me. There is a Foreign Affairs Month where I get the opportunity to persuade other generals to my side. I can only, however, choose a specific general to do the job, and a high “charm” rating will only increase the chances that a persuasion will be successful. Seeing as the black chick has the highest charm rating of 10 (Gee, I wonder why), you’d think she would be successful. Unfortunately, all the generals appear to be gay as using the big burly LORD of my domain does a better job of persuasion, even though his charm rating is dead 1. What other factors could there be!? My domain’s status is high, I’ve several domains conquered, what’s wrong? Is there some “popularity” stat that prevents everyone from resisting to join my cause!? I wouldn’t know, the only way I can get generals is by kicking all of their asses. Which would suit me just fine if battles were played in my favor and not based on complete fucking luck.

Another aspect of the RNG that destroys this game is the asinine necessity of needing items to, get this, CHANGE BATTLEFIELD POSITIONS!

I shit you not!

So look at this screen.

Yeah, this one again.

So, it allows me to change if I want black chick to be in the middle, or far left. HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT!?

And I have no idea what the benefit is of doing this other than allowing her to fight other enemies sooner or later.

How often will I get this useless opportunity!? Only the RNG knows.

So you see, the purpose of the RNG is to make every idea in this game completely worthless in the end. Doesn’t matter who you appoint for diplomacy reasons, doesn’t matter how little you tax people, or how many battles you (are allowed) to win, because in the end, you guarantee nothing. Your high status and prosperous economy doesn’t magically increase troops, choosing a general with high troops doesn’t make successful loots, a high charm only proves how gay the majority of generals are, etc. You can’t make proper preparations for upcoming battles because the game literally won’t allow you to do so until it decides, the most asinine thing I’ve ever seen in a game.

The 2 basic problems of withheld information and lack of control virtually makes this game unplayable.

And that doesn’t even get into the meat of the game, and that’s the battle system. As it’s been implied, you draw lines on a screen as a path for your 3 generals to follow.

Or you could use auto fight

Look at these screens.

This makes the game look like so much fun just by the implied epicness. Problem is these battles only last up to a good minute or so. They are incredibly short and amount to just one turn used in Fire Emblem to see the soldiers throw one or 2 hits per exchange. You might not get to use all those cool effects by the time the fight is over because it’s over before you could draw another line.

After the fight, if you were invading, then you get to do… this.

Here, you have 3 options. Persuade, Attack, and Retreat. Since you kicked their asses, now you have to tear down their walls. Attacking enemy walls reduces your own troops significantly, but makes it easier for you to conquer the enemy the next time you decide to invade. But you could also persuade them to surrender (never happens thanks to RNG) or retreat to save your troops the grief. And you only have 3 chances to break through their walls. If you want to conquer these people, your best bet is to get more troops and just wing it.

Why does breaking down a wall reduce your troops, btw? Does that make any sense!? If anything, all it does is sway you to use the “persuade” command, but it just wastes an action and time as the enemy will never surrender without a fight.

The battle system boarders on tedium and insanity as the victor is usually the one with more people, and not necessarily having better tactics as it’s impossible to have better tactics without significant information, and you can’t have significant information because you have no option to gain that information. For everything in this game, you have to go over the internet and do some college level research just to know what generals you’re fighting against, what chances you have to increase the likely hood of persuading generals, etc.

A strategy game with no significant info, and a lack of total control over your options makes a completely unplayable piece of shit that wasn’t worth printing chips for. Or 10 bucks. I almost got gipped.

Honestly, I knew Japan was faltering when it came to games, but SFG is proof positive that they have no idea what the fuck they’re doing. This game is illogical to the core, and is only worth a purchase if you wanted to research the decline of Japanese game development in general. Of course, Japan and Computer centrism does not mix. Japan is the cornerstone of Arcade Centrism, so this game was honestly some misguided attempt to simplify the mechanics of War Sims and Real Time Strategy. The problem is Computer Centric games such as RTS’s NEED to be complex. You can’t simplify these things like you can Arcade Centric titles. Computer Centric games can get away with being complex because they aren’t meant for mass consumption like arcade centric games. You’re never going to make an FF7 or a Pokemon by thinking you can “simplify” mechanics. By simplifying the RTS, you’ve made it virtually unplayable to the core. It is simply a handheld game that jerks you about with no concern for your enjoyment.

Suddenly, I feel like those asswipe reviewers online using in-game screenshots for shitty puns. For example, that continent looks like a shattered brain. You can imply all kinds of shit with that image in mind.

It’s sad. I usually see potential in lots of crappy games (Even Soul Calibur 5). But I see none in Spectral Force Genesis. It is a game that appeals to the clinically insane. And perverts.

…….Not worth it.

Now I humbly await all of your “BUT FINAL FANTASY TACTICS PERFECTLY SIMPLIFIED STRATEGY GAMES” bullshit. Is that not the reason PC gamers are cocky dipshits these days?

This game out yet? Well, check out how Nintendo plans on advertising this bitch.

Lets see, the primary cracka is dressed in casual clothing, a sweater with jeans and sneakers while in an environment set in the middle ages (the setting for Zelda in general), 2 moments with the caveman drawing gameplay in what can be considered the worst animation ever. Only one element of danger with flaming arrows, and then the master sword is collected.

How lazy is this advertising? They don’t even give you the sense that this game is filled with adventure, the focus is on that damn novelty of morphing into graffiti. If you’re gonna do a crappy Zelda commercial, at least put some hippity hop into dat shit!

You never advertise the gimmick as the main point of the game, especially something as retarded as caveman drawings. We should be ever so grateful that horrid Lost Mind commercial did not show off the Magenta Music Note.

Nintendo is clinically insane if they’re advertising their new found philosophy on what makes a game cool and fun. Gameplay mechanics don’t make the game fun. Does that shit look fun to you, my audience of 300? Caveman drawing adventures in order to complete dungeons? I don’t have strong impressions of this game already, but through virgin eyes, that advert would make gamers abstinent from A Link between Worlds.

Nintendo used to know how to draw people into their games. Now they have no interest in drawing anyone in. They seem to be more interested in impressing journalists who can’t see quality beyond novelty.