Archive for December, 2016


If anyone is wondering… pfff, no one cares. Well to put it bluntly, i’ve been binjing (I spelled that so wrong) on Bioware games. Some guy at work read my post on Mass Effect kicking Pokemon’s ass. And responded to my last paragraph. 

Yeah I know there’s been ass loads of articles on Mass Effect and how it’s really about false choice. But what game does choice better?

He replies Dragon Age. Now, I’ve been wary of this mother fucker’s suggestions ever since he dared to mention the “Witch and the Hundred Night“… but shit, he was right! Dragon Age is better in so many ways than Mass Effect. And I loathe medieval fantasy! Too many of them are taking after LOTR anyways, they look shittier than COD clones. I’m like… damn you Bioware, why can’t I hate you!?

So I get Origins, DA2, and Inquisition. Origins was ok but the combat was slow and boring, and the worlds were too fucking brown (typical western developed game) but it made up for it with a compelling narrative… so long as you pick a mage and nothing else… ok I didn’t like Origins much. But that bitch Morrigan… when I got that “Dark Promise” achievement, I was unnerved. Idk why but I kept thinking I made a mistake. But i’ll never know why and we’ll get to that. Origins was just… average. 

DA2 was supposedly the game everyone hated, and I’m confused as to why. It‘s fucking awesome! The combat doesn’t suck anymore, the companions are likable… but you can’t choose your origin anymore? Bah, oh well. Honestly, I dont know why they didn’t adopt the dialogue system of DA2 for Mass Effect altogether. Your options aren’t buttfucked depending on whether or not you have enough Paragon points to keep Miranda and Jack happy. And even the creepy ass romance system isn’t dependant on some tacky loyalty missions. Not only that but the companions actually feel like they’re involved in the overall story and aren’t just a part of some checklist to keep pace on a suicide mission. 

Dem ninja skillz.

Yeah. Dragon Age 2 is everything Mass Effect 2 should’ve been.

I was mad hyped for Inquisition. So I popped this bitch in, dealt with the big ass install size only to have EA balls in my mouth. How so? Well for those who weren’t aware, Mass Effect had this system whereby you could import save files from previously finished games, so the choices you made in the first game would carry into the next and alter a few bits or more. Bioware kept that trend for Dragon Age, but to a lesser degree. Very little of what you did in Origins has any tangible effect in DA2. Similar to ME1-ME2. Though I assumed Origins would matter more in Inquisition so as I salivated at Morrigan’s return to see if this demon baby would be a hidden boss, I come to find this out.

In order to even have that occur, I would instead have to make an Origins account, sign on and use a program called “Dragon Age Keep” and… “check off” decisions from Origins and DA2. Then I would have to boot my game up, log into the Origins account, and then import that checklist into the game in order to actually continue any progress you made from the previous titles.

That’s bullshit! Now why the fuck would they go and chain you to some fucking account system just so you can say your goddamn world state is consistent with the previous goddamn games in the series!? Oh of course, cunt ass EA derives some sadistic pleasure in enslaving people, whether it be smaller studios, indies, or the consumer in some BS account system because they see fit to control everything in existence! Imagine if they charged money for that keep shit! And no, I’m gonna give them ideas, I want people to rise against these demonic asswipes… jeez I sound like Anders!

I’m astounded at just how evil this company truly is. Those foolish enough to believe EA’s claims of leaving Bioware alone got manure on their dicks. #1 most hated company in America indeed!

It bad enough the combat is ass again, but I can’t get far w/o the game fucking up on me every so often. Oh but lets make it some open world bullshit where you travel long distances on horse! Dats fun, rite!? Fuck out of here with that shit, man. 

I’m so sick of this industry trying to string you to the fucking internet. It’s getting to the point that it’s a prerequisite before anything else. Hell that was almost the case with Xbone.

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Does he lookcuteto you?

Before that, sum TRUUF!

Ive been looking at some renders by this dude Nibroc… nibroc, really? All things considered, he does some pretty decent renders.

Beast!

Eh… its ok

Everything except Ray

Oh well that’s neat! Kinda figured Sonic R already had the appropriate design but hey, it… 

You know, I just thought about something. The Retro Sonic design that was made for Sonic Generation…. is terrible. I abhor the little fuck.

Yeah that little shhhhhit. Everything about it is wrong. Fundamentally, conceptually, practically, all other kinds of wrong. For those who’ve played Sonic Generation,  you already know how much of a steaming pile his essence is. Pardon me if I read to much into this, my sanity is all fucked up.

The Sonic franchise is nearing it’s 30th year in existence. It’s got at least 4… shit, 3 more years to go. I admit, with Sega’s track record, I’m shocked they kept it on life support this long for what little good that did… 30 years is pretty damn long for what seems like a short lifespan. If it’s one thong to know about long stretches of time, its that newer generations of people often generate their own ideas of how shit should be.

When you talked about Sonic in 90s, you’d be referring to something that had “attitude”. How edgy he was compared to Mario. How rad Knuckles was when he knocked Sonic on his ass (ok, no one used “radical” back in my day). And how sexy Sally was (Tru story).  Back then, Sonic was beloved for it’s edginess in the face of tradition. Where action platformers were all cute and friendly.

These days when you talk about Sonic, you’re referring to a character you’d love to guest star on MLP. How it’s a cartoony franchise that shouldnt be edgy. How only through Mario can the franchise be saved. How Rouge is a complete slut. Oh how the times have changed!

Retro Sonic is Classic Sonic framed through the lens of the current generation, not those who came before. Tis to be expected, the fathers of the blue blur have all moved on, and the brand is left in the hands of assholes that admit to making a cartoon just to sell toys. When you look at its role in Sonic Generation, you can tell it’s a fanservice game directed to the pansies of the fandom. Its characterization is all fucked. It starts with him being mute, probably catering the fact that before (93), Sonic had no such voice actor in the games. Course I’d have to ponder the excuse for retro Tails, being mute where as oh idk every other son of a bitch can utter a complete sentence renders retro Sonic an empty shell, devoid of personality and charisma. Visual behavior be damned. Actually he doesn’t do much in the way of expressing personality through visual ques either. The most we get out of him is an easily excitable brat who just picks fights with robots. The vomit-inducing pain arrives as we see retro Sonic become enamored with retard Sonic as he performs a homing attack, a mechanic that was invented as the 3D necessitates. Did you fuck me with a neuralizer, mon!? I don’t recall Sonic being enamoured with anything or anyone… except bitches

Retro Sonic is thus reduced to an infantile state. Usually these traits are akin to a piddly side character whose role was to fill the cute and comical pet/sidekick to the main character. The only time see otherwise is via kicking Metal Sonic. Otherwise you could replace him with Kirby and you wouldn’t even notice.

Refer to the link of truuf above. Ignoring the wrong interpretation of “cuteness” (shows how far the fandom has fallen), one thing CD gets right as he says in displaying Sonic’s attitude. 

He’s a cocky shit through and through. Still has enough time to fight fo his hoe, save the crazy bitch, and whoop Robotnik’s ass all at once. And yeah, Classic Sonic threw a fucking rock and blew his fat ass up! Modern Sonic ain’t shit compared to that awesomeness! Retro Sonic is a shitshow that spits on the very name of Classic Sonic. He doesn’t even have the attitude, he’s just a little fucking kid!

He looks constipated more than anything…

Its as though we were witnessing Sega’s sick desire to passively piss over Sonic’s golden era. Its not unheard of for Japanese developers to subtly insult things in their works. Aonuma has become infamous for his failure timeline including all of the good Zelda titles he openly despises… nah, that would require the capacity to be clever and discreet, qualities Sega lacks. I’ll just leave at “shitty modern interpretation of the golden era.

Retro Sonic’s own levels suffered as well. The levels overall were piss easy, slower paced, and generally less amazing to play through. Its as though the Retard Sonic levels were treated as the rewards for treading through boring and sluggish levels that were clearly designed for babies. You get the damdest feeling the game is asking “Awww isnt that cute!? The truck from City Escape is making cameos!

It’s reappearance in Project 2017 bothers me so much. Its not enough that it’s presence in this game makes about as much sense as Nintendo hijacking planes, but it feels as though Sega wishes to establish Retro Sonic as the real Classic. This abomination of interpretation would become the dominant canon, and thus future generations would look to this creature and ponder “what made Sonic so cool in the first place? He was no different than any other platforming mascot” I don’t know how or why we’ve gotten to this point where people (seemingly) wish to prove the lacking value of the Classic era. But this embodiment of all that is wrong with the current fandom would destroy the perceptions of the golden era, generating a confused populace who knows not the edginess we would speak of.

Ofcourse many within the fandom would (contemptuously) infer that this was all a marketing ploy by Americans just to make Sonic appealing and must not be mistaken as canon. But on the contrary, but if not for such a “marketing ploy”, a loaded statement as is, ye precious SA2 would not have been so easily accepted! People would have accused the game of going away from the roots of cuteness just to appeal to teenagers. That the hard rock and hip hop soundtrack would be out of place. That Shadow was “too dark” of a character to begin with. 

Supposition!? Perhaps, but let me put it this way. Fans were willing to overlook Shadow the Hedgehog if Sonic 06 kicked ass. If Sonic was simply cute shit, no one would ever look back after that game. Period. Sega now feels pressured to canonize Sonic’s love of chili dogs, An American Tail no less! If Sonic were not edgy back then, hell, he would never be an icon. He’d have no chance against Mario without edge.

Retro Sonic speaks ill of the CS’s achievements, diminishing the value of the golden age to that of a mere dillusion fabricated by older fans to compensate for what the series lacked. I had hoped that, for all I enjoyed from Generation, Sega would bury Krystal’s moldy cooch into the same hole that Ristar rests in. But alas, this shit for that one trailer occurs!

TLDR; its like casting a light skinned girl as Harriet Tubman. Ohhhh….

Well with that, I say have a sage New Years.

barely anyone “switched” their opinion

What exactly would a console reveal do to affect how people feel about a game that is multiplatform? As far as I’m concerned, people’s opinions on a console pertain to the console alone. If you really want a game, you will find a way to get it, regardless of what platform it appears on. 

Unless there is some magical connection i’m missing that consoles have some adverse affect on the perception of quality of a game, aside from any potential performance issues, then… what the fuck is the point of the article? How and why would the Switch change people’s opinion on a Sonic game this day in age?

Shit man, I thought I was desperate for ideas on what to post about. These Sonic sites are just making up w/e they feel would keep Sonic discussion alive and open, but all it shows is how hard that really is. They should make an article on whether or not Sonic Boom killed w/e enthusiasm people had left for the Sonic brand (or perhaps they did and it got buried under flamewars, hell if I know), and whether or not that they feel Sega is aware of this disinterest. Cause otherwise, they wouldn’t have a shitty trailer for a game that’s supposed to be this glorious comeback. Or have the balls to put in Retro Sonic without good reason.

The game alone changes and grafts the outlook. The console is just a box you stick a disc into (or a cartredge in this case). You buy the box to get to the games. Nothing more. If the Sonic brand is so tarnished that it needs a specific console to artificially increase people’s interests, then its in worse shape than I thought.

Merry Christmas and a bahumbug to all!

>_>

Soso wait. They removed RPG elements from the player character… but contsrained it to some gay ass paint mechanic… because they wanted to focus on puzzlesolving!?

Pff… Nintendo aint got no 3D obsession,  they’ve got some hardcore puzzle obsession! Now I know why Triple Deluxe was shit!

I’m not big on RPGs myself, but its like trading in a bowl of brussel sprouts for a cup of mayonnaise! Puzzles are not fun! At least in the context of adventure games. Tetris? Fun. Panel de Pon? Fun! Bust a Move? Fun! Puyo Pop? Shit! But solving “world puzzles” where you gotta manipulate certain aspects of the scenery to progress? Its boring as fuck! After all these years, Nintendo will not drop this bullshit! How much you wanna bet that’s the real reason people hated Uncharted 3? I know its the reason I got sick of the Metroid Prime games, that and all the forced backtracking. 

Mario RPGs used to be interesting. Fuck, I was invested in the 1st Paper Mario! You get a gist of how the mushroom kingdom operates, the culture of the Yoshi tribes, you’ve got mother fuckers that eat ghosts! And for some reason, I cared about saving Peach. I suppose its because for once Bowser seemed to be unstoppable with that star rod he jacked from Kirby. 

But thats not important to Nintendo. Its all about having content that shows off its gameplay innovation that never goes beyond fucking puzzles! Its gotten so bad that even basic combat is being turned into a puzzle game itself. Painting cards in a fight, christ balls… they might as well go mobile exclusively, them’s the only fucks willing to throw money at them in droves.

In other news

Dawg, fuck the Gamecube, can we get some N64 love? Mischief Makers, Chameleon Twist, Jet Force Gemini, Buck Bumble, Robotron 64, Bomberman and all that shit. The only reason people care about Gamecube is cause Melee was so mother fucking good compared to it’s piece of shit sequels. Yes, Custom Robo and F-Zero GX, but hell, I’D like to play Legacy of Darkness without having to worry if my memory card is gonna die.

….Then again… CvS2 and Bloody Roar…

Nintendo is unwell

I’m speechless as well! $10 just to unlock all levels? I don’t know if prices like this are standard on mobile shit, but goddamn, that’s a little steep, ain’t it? I wonder what my mother would think if I told her she’d have to pay for warp pipes this day in age.

Chasing after dat HD chicken got them into this mess. Now Nintendo is fully committed to raping their loyal customers via DLC schemes. Hell, we saw that shit with Amiibo, and now that they got a taste of them side money profits, there’s no telling how low they will go for a quick buck.

Butthats what we all wanted, right!? For Nintendo to do business like Sony and Microsoft via making a *cough* real console with dem HD graphics, 1080p w/e the fuck that means. Now look at this shit. Nintendo running to the mobile market for a quick buck, w/e lousy funds they can scrounge up for Switch development.

 I mean just look at this game! Effort!? Fuq all dat! Just slap NSMB engine up there and put in autorun! Genius! That’s literally all it is! They’ve spared every expense in the world to give you nothing. For 10 bucks, its the cheapest recycle bin you can find. It just screams cash grab!

And yeah, Nintendo has done some dirty cash grabs in the past (ROB included). Zelda Four Swords Adventure was definitely made to sell GBA link cables, but it was a new fucking game! There was actual incentive to buy this new game! 

This shit here is a disgrace! It spits on everything Nintendo stands (or claimed to stand) for! What happened to being all about the games, Nintendo!? Oh I know all too well what happened. The Wii success caused you to become drunk on your own success, deemed that people loved you for your un-rich history, proceeded to make games and force cameos in 3rd party titles to express your vanity and utter disregard for the humiliation you caused games you dont own, and then when the market punishes you, you say “DAMN THE MARKET, WE NEED CHEDDAR BISCUITS!” Thus you resort to toys that hold DLC codes. And then you hold Mewtwo and Roy for ransom, shoving in characters that never appeared on a Nintendo console… ever, (oh sure, give us Cloud Strife‘s bitch ass…. BUT NOT GENO FROM MARIO RPG!!!???) And you lay on your knees begging people to download shit… while remaining arrogant enough… to reuse the same goddamn game, graphics and all, and figuring people are gonna pay 10 bucks oh it might just work, the mobile market is filled with same retards that kept Kings demonic asses in business.

Hell, at least Sonic Dash feels like it’s own game, but this!? Nintendo does not give fucks anymore. Its just a “GIMMIE MUNNY” scheme to them.

Seems like all gaming devices have their saturarion in 1 genre. Consoles are drowned in FPSs, PC’s with RPGs, and mobile with autorun games.

The game compels me to stare!

Common Indie Game Flaws

You know, its really hard to say. The most I’ve played were Gunvolt, Shantae, and Terraria. I think FAST Racing League counts. Its an F-Zero GX clone with shit controls.

If anything, I think the main… “flaw” would be all the massive hype. Its no secret that more and more people are getting fed up with the game industry. And they should! Games today… suck. They suck so much ass, many people resort to making fangames only for Nintendo to be a whore and take them down (Pokemon Uranium really did look good). Not only do they suck, the assholes in charge want your money so much so that they manufacture “rationale” for why you should pay more. 

Because feeding families and all other bullshit that corporations couldn’t give 2 fucks about. Or that used games are piracy (hahahahahahah), or use an unenforced quote “law” to convince people that they have zero ownership over products they purchased. The gaming industry is truly a vile hive of scum and villainy the likes of which the Rothschild would be proud of. It is no simple marvel that many would have such grievances against them.

That said, and I realize I would be hypocritical in saying, these grievances may have skewed the perception of quality in regards to indie games. I’ve actually read people going out on a limb hyping up indie games simply because they aren’t Industry trash. In the rare words of Nintard at work, it is better to view these games not by what it doesn’t have, but via their own merits.

Even by those merits, a lot of these games look downright unappealing. With the exception of Gunvolt and Shantae (for distractingly obvious reasons) most Indie games lack any real draw. Shovel Knight. The name alone sounds fucking retarded. That and Super Meat Boy. Then you had some shit called Flower where you control the wind to pick up flower petals. It sounds like Katamari Damashi if it was conceptualized in a drug induced coma. Does that sound fun at all!? Hell naw! But people tell me that’s therapeutic. So is Kirby Air Ride, but something actually happens in one of these games.

See, the content in a good handful of these indie titles are either effortless trash or batshit insane. I get the distinct impression that everyone is trying so hard to be unique that they forget to be interesting. When I hear about something like Guacamelee being about a pissy Mexican Wrestler, I find it difficult to even feign interest. There’s barely any effort in the art assets either, most characters look like simple Flash drawings. 

On the other hand, you have the “retro” obsessed nitwits who swear 8bit graphics are all you need to make a fantastic game, to the point that they literally look effortless. I would assume this is because 8bit graphics are easy to work with that you see it so often.

You could make the argument of budgeting troubles for why some indie art is shit, and… that’s true. If you don’t have the drawing talent or money to hire a decent artist, then you can’t be faulted for working within your budget, but fuck me with tuna, you have to compensate for that in certain areas. Catchy music, unforgettable levels, exciting boss fights, etc. Back when gaming tech was ass, developers learned to compensate by ensuring other areas of their games were awesome. They did everything they could to bring 8bit games to life. I don’t see the same amount of effort on part of the indies. Their mindset is on cheap imitation (mockery), that which they confuse for tribute. You get the sense that no real imagination took place during the development cycle. Except maybe with Undertale from what little I’ve seen.

And its all thanx to that grandiose devotion to the omnipotent gameplay!

I hear nothing but non-stop hype for indie devs being the future of innovative game design. Infact, I’d go far as to say that this the main selling point of the indie scene. When I think of why people want indie, I would assume it’s because people are tired of the industry’s bullshit. But nowadays, I see it as being tired of the market being saturated by COD clones. So now we have a handful of people who think “innovative gameplay and intricate mechanics” equate to an enjoyable experience. 

Again, I refer to Gunvolts “laser tag” system by which your shooting of enemies merely “tags” them so you can electrocute them afterwards. This leads to easy and then downright tedious experiences as fighting bosses requires more dexterity then necessary, having tp tag multiple targets, shock them, then immediately tag another target… it’s just not fun. Its terrible.

There was an RPG I played earlier called Fairune where you played some redhead who’s only means of attack was merely touching enemies. Ofcourse, you take damage for killing them, it’s not a good combat system. I find myself running back to healing points and then rushing back to the area I was in just to fight the same enemies all over again.

FAST Racing League. Anyone ever played Ikaruga? Take that color change mechanic and put it into a racing game by which the color you change your car determines if you can boost on black/white strips or jump pads. Color changing also being meter based, the same meter used for manual boosting, and you’ve got more micromanagement than Sonic Riders. Shinen is usually better than this.

The aforementioned Flower. There’s no point to it’s oh so therapeutic nonsense.

There was a Wiiware game I played that I can’t remember the name of (it was Chrono… something DX), but it definitely felt like some indie shit. You were this blue fuck who to split himself into 2 different timelines to fight some chrono demon, I guess. Here, the game is splitscreen and you have watch both screens to progress in levels. So if you can’t progress in 1 screen, you have to look to the other to move forward. Fuck this tedious ass piece of a game.  It’s far more disorienting than it needs to be.

Cave Storyerm, that was actually pretty good. See, it didn’t focus on trying to be innovative. It took basic Metroid/Castlevania concepts and made a baby with it. The creator kept shit simple instead of trying to be zany and unique. Now if only it sold well

Most indies try way too hard to be “creative” instead of being practical with their shit. It’ll be even more rare to get more Terraria-like games. 

But then it hit me. Why the indie scene seems less attractive than it should be. People gravitate towards indie folks for the same damn reasons Nintards can’t stop chomping down on Italian sausage. Most Indies, I feel, are trying to be like Nintendo. Not the kickass streetwise Nintendo of old, but the liberal arts faggots we have in the driver’s seat. 

It’s not all that bad. Gunvolt 2 is leagues better than the first game if only because of Copen, Shantae is a passable game that gets by on DOA tactics (im shocked the SJWs didn’t say shit about those games),  and Terraria is damned fantastic even with all the crashes (fuck minecraft, this is the REAL sandbox game). If Geometry Wars is indie, it needs to continue. But overall, there’s too much room for improvement. I just hope the indie scene lets go of it’s desire to be unique if they want to really compete against the industry machine.

Dont get me started on the kickstarter scams, (Mighty #9, etc.)

Oh and thanx for the trailer, heat. Why  don’t they just call it half-naked hero…

Why you have Zero Hype for Project 2017.

Well, that‘s easy. There’s little to no info on the game aside from 1 crappy trailer. What they provided would give people alzheimers by the time it releases.

It starts off announcing that it came from the same people that made Sonic Colors like it took the world by storm or something, and Sonic Generations, the last decent Sonic game we got before the Nintard storm. And then we shoot to 2 giant shitty looking robots destroying a city with psuedo epic music playing. And then we see Sonic looking pissed for no reason (come on dawg, you’ve seen this shit a million times, you should be yawning just to show how badass you are to snore at city-wide destruction!) So he goes racing through the city to stop the robots… but then stops in his tracks when a giant piece of debris heads way, ignoring the fact that he could just outrun that shit like he was previously (Retard Sonic , indeed!) but he is saved by retro Sonic, and they both race off to the robots. “Join the resistance” which won’t include Sally Acorn.

That didnt show us anything! No robot asswhoopin, no new characters, nothing! It might as well have been a tech demo!

This is probably Sega’s worst Sonic trailer in ages. Despite how much they hate making Sonic games (or love screwing over the fans), they would usually show new content in their trailers for new Sonic titles. This one just has no effort put into it. It comes off as “just give those whiny bastards something to talk!” You could literally mistake it for some Sonic Unleashed DLC. 

Of course, the most damning thing would be the inclusion of Retro Sonic… again. If this is a Generations 2, then w/e. I wouldn’t be happy about that either way, but it would be something some fans wanted. But I don’t get that impression at all. Considering the closing tagline “Join the Resistance”, it implies a different kind of game. Like perhaps some sort of Mass Effect Reaper invasion has enveloped the planet… and Sonic needs friends to help fight this kind of foe. That wouldn’t be any better, infact it would be a cliche implosion, but if it’s that kind of story… why the fuck would you include Retro Sonic in there!?

It’s like you have 2 different ideas coliding together in some horribly mangled crash. On one end you have a “Rebels against against the Orwellian dictator” and the other is Sonic Generations… again. I don’t see how these 2 ideas can fit together and work. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. I don’t know what the fuck else to make of this trailer. The problem being is Retro Sonic. It just… it kills w/e enthusiasm I have.

Actually, no, I’m gonna make a guess as to how the story flows. 

Retard Sonic and friends are in the post apocalyptic future already, and they’ve all become bitter and cynical as they try to fight an enemy that kicks their asses on a daily basis. But by some freak accident, Retro Sonic comes from the past with rainbows and fuzzballs to inspire the modern heroes to brighten up their smiles and change their outlook on life as they claim victory against their oppressors. 

This plot being created in some vain attempt to spite the spectrum of the Sonic fans for wanting a more mature take on the series with the happy go lucky Retro Sonic there to spread that message!

….. I losing my mind!  There’s honestly not a l0t to go on, the trailer did no peak my interest, the reusing of Retro Sonic is recycling content, and its being made by the same team that made Sonic Colors, meaning it will be kiddy as fuck. But the difference is they seem to have a lot more time to work on this so hey, it might be interesting down the road so who knows?

…….Geez, I didn’t have much to say on this game, huh? Yeah, I need more than what’s already here.

EDIT: Goddamn limited internet sucks. ..

I dont know if this is real or not, but…

Tiara Bobowski!? Iz zat u!?

Short of Breath (Zelda)

​I’d also be interested in hearing your thoughts on Breath of the Wild… dunno how much you’ve heard about it from the Nintards at work, but I don’t think you’ve written about it since the initial Zelda U reveal trailer and a lot of new stuff has come out since then.

Damn, I forgot all about this game! Well, that should tell you the level of enthusiasm I have for it. 😛 The guys at work haven’t even talked about this game, i’ve heard more about Hyrule Warriors Legends from them (which im dissappointed in). To me, that doesn’t bode well. If the psychos don’t care… y’all probably already how I feel about this game. I tuned it out when the first trailer dropped, as long as Aonuma is at the helm, it just won’t be good. He’s the biggest hackjob at Nintendo and it’s fubar that he still has a job there! And hell, by the looks of it, I wasn’t missing much.

Each of these trailers fail to make game look even remotely interesting. A lot of them just show Link running around empty fields doing random shit (Oh look, he can climb trees now!) while some soothing japanese melody plays. Who the fuck is this being marketed towards!? Nintendo is so self absorbed that they think Zelda is such hot shit that they think a slow paced trailer of watching Link run around giant, empty, shitty looking worlds while listening to some spa treatment music makes the game “deep“. Its the most pretentious trailer you could make. Zelda doesn’t have that kind of cred to be marketing shit like this.

I was already turned off by the reuse of the toon style. Aonuma clearly doesn’t care that people hate this shit and wants it gone, but he’s a stubborn bastard. The fact that Link is wearing what appears to be adult versions of his Wind Waker pajamas makes my piss boil. 

Going back to an overworld style like the first game is… actually refreshing. I’d have to imagine that people were getting sick of Aonuma style and even Nintendo was like “dis shit ain’t working”. So yeah, this is a damn good change. But… that’s where all the good ends, unfortunately. 

There are 2 mechanics that even my fangirl sister is pissed about. The return of stamina has turned her off completely. And the introduction of weapon durability has her livid. These 2 mechanics are present In a title called Dead Rising Riptide. And believe me, they hold the game back. Stamina,  we both disapprove of as it limits what we can do in any game, Skyward Sword most of all with its bullshit “cant climb for long” gameplay. Its an unnecessary handicap and reeks of fake difficulty. 

Weapon durability is more my issue than hers. I don’t enjoy being forced to constantly look for more weapons or avoiding direct combat to conserve supplies. I have to worry about whether or not my next string of attacks will shatter my weapon, I instinctively avoid confrontation. Which frankly scares the hell out of me. Zelda games have been increasing its hesitancy toward combat, and now there is a potential system that rewards you for avoiding it altogether. Conserving supplies for the real bosses. Save that tedious bullshit for Monster Hunter. Speaking of combat, is it possible for it to stop being shit in 3D Zelda games!? Look how slow he swings his weapons in the trailers! Why is it that after 20 years since OoT is combat still unengaging? Hell, I didn’t need weapon durability to avoid combat, I’d fall the fuck asleep just wailing at enemies!

Now, what I want to know is why the Japanese seem obsessed with making you cook in all of their games now. You see it in Dragon’s Crown, Tales of Series, Pokemon with its berries and poffins, Monster Hunter, and now fucking Zelda. You gotta forage for berries and I guess some demon meat to mix all that shit up and keep it on hand, because hearts are gone and you have to heal via what you find in the environment. I don’t have an issue with cooking persay, but what is the appeal? I don’t ever see people go on about “I love being able to make delectable treats that I can’t eat or even taste!” I couldn’t sell people on cooking features in a game, especially if w/e bonuses it provide requires it. I can hear that nintard say “some people like it”. I say he’s full of shit.

And then there’s the story. Granted there’s little to nothing known about aside from the pseudo “mysterious” trailer provided, again because its Aonuma, I already have doubts about its ability to compel. On hand, I can count only 3 Zelda games that had anything resembling a compelling narrative. Twilight Princess if only because of Midna. To some extent OoT mainly due to seeing how the future gets screwed over, but nothing compares to Link’s Awakening. That game’s shits every other title in the series.

Take this. You end up on this out of nowhere island where Marin gives you a place to stay. You meet many weird ass folks on the island but most of which aren’t bad people. Your mission is to wake the Wind Fish to destroy the nightmare or something. At some point, you find Marin on a beach talking about her dreams of singing her songs to the world. Obvious girlfriend is obvious. Yeah, these 2 are obviously getting together by the end.

But then… something happens. Halfway through the game, you find out that the island you’re on is actually an illusion. A dream created by the Wind Fish, and all it’s inhabitants included. Meaning Marin will die if you save the world. That messed me up! I was like “No, can’t do that!”

But… I did it anyway. I beat the nightmare, used the instruments and awoken the Wind Fish, and different scenes of the island start fading away. Richard and his frogs, the old lady and hrmer chain chomp pet, the witch, and lastly Marin whosingsonelasttime

I admit. Manly tears were pouring! *sigh* I was 11, but damn that was amazing! That shit sold me on Zelda! But since then, we’ve gotten NOTHING that comes close to comparing to it’s awesomeness. Every game Aonuma has been a part of has done nothing but rehash the story of LTTP. You’re always some precoutious little asshole that’s been chosen by the gods to do their jobs for them and kick Ganon’s ass. You are always connected to Zelda via the Triforce and thus it is your destiny to fight evil. What ensues is a game trying too hard to be either deep or Disney. 

Link’s Awakening,  however, was a very simple game with an equally simple yet very effective plot that ends with something emotional and satisfying rather than cliche, safe and easy. Instead of destiny dictating your path, you get trapped on an island and people figure “Hey, you look like you could whoop some ass! Please help us!” Its a Nintendo tradition to rehash shit, but goddamn, even the original ideas of today came out of a horse’s ass. Trains!? Cave drawings!? 

Actually, Triforce Heroes seemed like a cool idea, but it required internet, solidifying the notion that Nintendo has joined the dark side of gaming via making assumptions of their audience. But thats a different topic.

Despite all of this, what I think is actually hilarious rather than damning is that… Nintendo is finally letting go of their “we want to be unique!” Teenage phase and are copying off everyone else… and the game still looks boring. We’ve seen this style of gameplay in tons of other games,  most notably Monster Hunter, that it almost comes off as desperate. Nintendo is late to the party, slapping Zelda’s on a survival game isn’t changing that perception. 

For what it’s worth, Nintendo is at least trying to move away from their safehouse formulas (what with Pokemon having a giant squid as a final, which is beyond fucking retarded). The problem is they’re taking all the wrong steps and using all the worst ideas. Hyrule Warriors. .. to me was a step in the right direction,  but that’s my Dynasty Warriors fanboyism talking, and the game was pretty shitty so… blah. But a survival game is usually slow, boring, and tedious. All things considered, I dont expect this game to be a favorite amongst any fan. 

Or hell, maybe it will! People’s standards for games are apocalypticly low that something as boring and depressing looking as this game will win a million rewards because its Zelda.

Capeshit 2 (Dr. Strange)

  I swear to Ra, those bastards at work won’t shut up about Pokemon! Is it true the final boss is a fucking squid!?

We all knew it had to happen at some point. Since the name drop from Winter Soldier, a lot of us comic book nerds were salivating at the thought of a Dr. Strange movie. Well… just mindlessly predicting its inevitable release date. But w/e. After Ultron and Civil War, my expectations couldn’t have been lower for this film. Disney’s insane proclivity towards superhero comedy sketch would prevent a Dr. Strange movie from ever working. Doctor Strange goes against that kind of Bullshit. Its not a series known for comical tastes, but more so for being on drugs. When the series first began, a lot of readers assumed Marvel was on some shit. 

But eh, what would Disney care about accuracy? Kaecilius is the fucking villain!

Nintard at work (being a goddamn DC fan and all) would ofcourse play Devil’s advocate and use his redundant argument “the movies are not made for those who read the comics, but for the audiences who know nothing of them” he says while he cries over Lex Luthor from BvS. That goes w/o saying! Fuck, despite all of its bullshit, I still enjoyed Civil War! Even though Drax the Destroyer was unapologetically assraped in Guardians of the Galaxy, I still found him hilarious. Its not like I cant enjoy any comic book movie that takes liberties with the source material. There are just certain limits that shouldnt be crossed. 😛 

But I dont expect a DC fan to empathize,  those fuckjobs are getting what they want at least. 

But its true. Disney caters to the Masses,  I cant fault them for having enough sense to be inclusive. It unfortunately worked well for Guardians of the Galaxy, which I found to be an insult. That being said, what can you say when even the Masses despise Doctor Strange? It seems that people are finally catching on to how lame Disney’s comic book films have become. Or perhaps its burnout from ALL the comic book movies this year alone (Deadpool, BvS, Civil War, Apocalypse, Ninja Turtles, Suicide Squad) that people have no energy to deal with yet another one. Whatever the reason, Dr. Strange is a cccccombo breaker. The blind praise of previous movies are dead and we can finally get some real objectivity! Yet even then, I found myself slightly puzzled. Unlike Guardians of the Galaxy, Doctor Strange is not an unspeakable pile of shit. Its more along the lines of “forgettable Thor movie”. Now to the actual review.

Again, expect nerd rage. I can‘t help myself when it comes to comic book movies.

Well here’s a librarian minding his business then pop goes his head. Gotta love the puss out “killed in shadows” technique, but Disney wants that DC cred apparently. Then a chick in a mystic hoodie (who’s totally not the ancient one) chases the baddies out into London and fucks with dimensions to trap them on City walls. Then she whips out magic cymbals if only for Disney to remind us that they made Tron Legacy. But she Rinzlers the assholes until they figure “hey we can make portals, right? But lets wait a few minutes of getting our asses kicked before actually escaping.” These assholes were fighting over torn pages, right? There’s a revelation in this movie that makes this entire movie unnecessary, but i’ll get to that in due time.

Cut to the introduction of Doctor Strange, who shouldve been played by Liam Nelson, but these fuckjobs know nothing of good casting choices ala Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch (even though her tits are perfect for the role). So w/e, KHAAAAAAN is performing surgery while dancing to some itunes or w/e. I hate this fucking movie already!

If you guys dont believe Disney is riding Iron Man’s nuts so hard, your jaws will sink into the seventh level of hell upon watching the destruction of Steven Strange! They turned him into a… luigification (I still cant believe this is actual jargon) of mother fucking Tony Stark! Its ridiculous the amount of parallels they tried to create between the 2. Do they have mustaches? Yes! Are they extremely gifted? Yes! Are they rich and arrogant? Yes! But the comparisons end there! Stark is an arrogant bastard in his own douchbag way, but Strange is an arrogant bastard in a heartless sociopath way. As a doctor, it was his miracles that saved lives, all of which were thought impossible. But Strange was a truly heartless shitbird! He was greedy and cared only about money. He was materialistic to the core. He didnt even grieve the deaths of his family. He didnt give a shit. He would reject cases purely out if monetary reasons, not because they weren’t “challenging” enough (though it does his arrogance). There was simply nothing redeemable about his character. Period. The assholes who wrote this movie assumed, however,  that if the main character wasn’t funny, his asshole tendencies wouldnt be acceptable. And theyre pussies because of it!

Look, I know mother fuckers have it ingrained that comic book accuracy is pure evil, but this a rare situation where it would’ve worked. Because by the time Strange gets his hands fucked, the audience would already want him to fall from grace. And once it does happen, we can see the bastard spending away his fortune trying to find a cure for his hands, his medical career over, and he falls deep into the pit of despair. Once again, the cartoon movies did this better. We see Strange refusing to help fucking children, and he didn’t even explain why. Then we see him get fucked up, he spends his fortune, and after all that, he attempts suicide. He knows everything that made him brilliant… was gone and he had nothing left to live for. No family, no sex life, no nothing. Goddamn the lionsgate cartoons had more balls than all this live action shit! With those, we got a semi-accurate Strange with a sister he never had. Here, we have a “Stark” contrast to damn near everything he was. Honest Trailers should call this movie “Magical Iron Man” when the DVD drops.

But anyways, after showing off his rolex box set (if the movie wasn’t Stark enough), Strange gets into his aforementioned car accident (via distracted driving PSA) which ends with him landing into a pond. Im sitting here thinking “how does this not kill him!?” His shit is half submerged in water, he should’ve drowned! Oh well, if he died, no movie.

So its not until after his hands get crippled that he just becomes more of an asshole. He curses out his pseudo hoe who I swear was made up for this movie (you know, superhero movies dont need romantic subplots, especially if they’re half-assed in every single one of your films) and proceeds to bitch about his permanent arthritis. But then he gets a tip about a paralyzed basketball who somehow got his back fixed. Strange goes to find him playing baskOH SHIT it’s Halley Barry’s boyfriend from Catwoman! Probably used some memory charm to help him forget he was ever a part of that fuck piece. 

He tells Strange that he was healed by “The Ancient One” and tells him to head for Tibet… if it’s still Tibet, or was Disney so desperate to make nice with the Chinese that they decided not to retain the names!?

Either way,  Strange goes to. .. Tibet, it’s what it’s supposed to be,  fuck it. After some sightseeing,  he goes down a dark alley because we cant introduce characters without them kicking some ass. Strange displays plenty of of idiocy from here on out. Thugs appear to make his life even. shittier, so what does Strange do!? This incredible doctor of insane knowledge and experience! ?

He decides to PUNCH EMwith his little retarded hands!

Goddamn you’re stupid! You deserve to have yo ass whooped!  Instead of looking down and noticing you have 2 working feet by which you could RUN AWAY or KICK THEM, you decide “yeah, I can probably take them with my vegetable fingers”. After getting gang banged, Baron Mordo, one of Strange’s arch Nemesis’s, decides to buy his way out of 12 years of slavery via kicking the shit out of Strange’s attackers. Kinda wanted to see some mild magic use here, but I guess that would ruin the surprise.   Mordo greets him kindly and shows him the way to his master…. That sounded real bad…

To be honest… I actually liked Mordo here than in his previous incarnations,  even the cartoon version pales in comparison. Strange and Mordo hated each other since they first met, seeing as Strange knew dick all about Him but decided to get off his high horse and learn magic specifically to fight Mordo. Basically,  Mordo wanted to kill the ancient one and become the new sorcerer supreme. Strange, for the first time in his miserable life, tried to stop him but stood no chance against one of magic. Without Mordo, there wouldn’t be a Strange. Ofcourse they changed that in this movie, but… idk, im not too bothered by it, probably because Mordo was the best thing about this film, and that doesn’t bode well seeing as Mordo has some pretty insignificant contributions to the plot.

Anywho, Strange finally gets to meet the Ancient One. And yea, she’s looking whiter than ever before. It’s not enough that owns our debt, they now own Hollywood. But fuck all that! I dont care if the Ancient One is missing a dick… but why isn’t she… you know…. ANCIENT!?

Its not just the whole accuracy to comics aspect… BUT ITS IN THE BITCHS NAME!!! The Ancient One is supposed to be old and wise and all dat shit! What’s middle-aged Gabriel from Constantine doing masquerading as the master of the mystic arts!? Its like those bullshit ass X-Men movies now, every mother fucking  super hero has to be young… and sexy! Doesn’t matter if it isnt in the damn books, we need to keep audiences horny, right Aunt May!? 

I dont know why im trippin, the cancer patient look doesn’t do her any favors.

 Anywho, Strange is… Strangely polite in asking about Barry Man’s cure, and the AO (spelling iut ancient one is getting tiresome) messes with him, leading him on about cellular regeneration leading to a cure for nerve damage. But then she shows him a book on mother fucking kundalini. It didn’t take him long to lose his patience. It doesn’t help that AO kept pushing (cause she’s a bitch) but as soon as Strange lays one finger on her, she does a reverse Astral Form on him, scaring the shit out of him, and then flinging his ass across dimensions. This part was fantastic, showing the psychedelia of the Dr. Strange universe in one sequence! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, cause you wont get that until the end of the movie.

After the awesomeness of drugs, Strange is flung back into the real world to deliver his Trailer dialogue. 

TEACH ME!!!

….NO.

And then Strange is literally thrown out on the street. Good thing there’s no traffic, am I rite? So, AO is a dick. She teases him, mind fucks him into a terrified sissy, and then tosses his ass out into the street? …ok yeah, Strange could’ve apologized for being a dick and then basically demanding to be taught magic all after the fact… but you did push him into doing so, you fucking retard! How about instead of giving him false hope and then busting his balls, you could explain what it is you do and then see his reaction to it… LIKE IN THE ANIMATED MOVIE…. OR THE FUCKING BOOKS!

This whole sequence didnt need to happen, but because the AO is a sadist, she proceeds to traumatize a man for her own amusement. Then throws him out like garbage. How much humiliation does have to endure before getting somewhere in this movie!? Im assuming this is because Strange was (supposed to be) an arrogant bastard, the audience would agree that he deserves all of this misfortune. But he got Starked! Clearly he gives some level of shit to the point that he pulled a dying patient from the morgue to remove a bullet from his head, saving his life (which is some bullshit in itself, but that’s debatable). All I see is an understandibly frustrated man who lost everything and this ol… middle-aged cunt just fucks with him because she thinks he wasn’t humiliated enough!? He was just mugged, you inconsiderate bitch! If the studio wasn’t full of pussies and allowed Strange to be the notorious shitbird like he always was, I’d understand why they’d put him through all this nonsense… but I take his side on this whole scene. Its like:

“Lady, I know you’re all powerful or w/e, but i’ve been in a car accident, my hands don’t work, I lost all my money, my medical career is over, I spent what little I had on a plane ticket, and earlier today, I got knocked on my ass by back alley retards. I dun been thru sum shit! I didn’t come 15 hours halfway across the globe to be jerked around by some bald cunt who ain’t narry bit of Asian! if all you’re good for is messing with my head, I’ll slap you with the 2 fingers I got left!”

Goddamn this pissed me off. Anywho, Strange waits at Ancient Cunt’s door all night until Mordo lets him in. Knowing that he was mugged earlier, he’s damned moronic for waiting on the curb at night. Find some shelter, dipshit! Bah. He gets in and Mordo gives him a wifi password, along with the shit line “we’re not savages”. Tell me, where was the context for that joke? I dont remember anywhere in this whole movie where Strange implied that AO or her crew were uncivilized in anyway. But that’s because this movie has a REALLY bad habit of shoehorning comedy relief into any possible situation they can find. This happens far too often in this movie and epitomizes everything thats wrong with Disney’s mindset regarding these movies. Doctor Strange isnt supposed to be fucking funny! If it must have comedy, have it through clever and smart dialogue, not some BS like “try me beyonce!” Where its all too clear you’re just forcing it in there! Super Hero movies dont have to be hilarious from start to finish because then you can’t take the movie seriously! How can anyone enjoy the damn where every 5 minutes, we have to endure forced hilarity? Its insulting at this point!

W/e, Strange spends some training learning how to make portals, and the AO shows once more how much of an asshole she is. See, making a portal requires a double ring on 2 fingers and spinning your arm in a circle with a single finger stretched out. And you’re supposed to picture a location in your head to make the portal work. Strange’s fingers are fucked up so the process is more arduous for him. But because AO is a bitch, she pulls the… “universal talent”… argument? You know, the “well he could do it so you can do it too” fallacy? She calls upon a real Asian to show Strange that he has a severed limb, but he could still manage to make a portal with relative ease. Thats all fine and dandy except for 2 things.

1. He’s MASTERED the mystic arts and has far more experience than Strange.

2. He HAS working fingers!

Strange can barely hold a scalpel without struggling. I imagine the double ring feels like 300 pounds of pressure to him. There’s no getting around it, you need working fingers to pull this shit off without a hitch! But telling AO this would threaten her massive ego, so instead of teaching him the same thing she taught Barry Man when mending his spine, she teleports Strange to the Himalayas and leaves him to freeze unless he learns to make a portal himself. Ah yes, the ol’ “learning through the will to survive” trope. Not only is it wonderfully cruel, its also highly irresponsible. Strange just started learning magic, this is essentially his first fucking lession, and you shove him into a life or death situation!? 

Normally you’d have to teach him that physical limitations are simply an illusion, otherwise he’d never get over his crippled hand. Similar to the cartoon in some capacity! Well… with the exception of throwing a sword in his face, it was clear what AO was trying to teach him. Here, AO teaches him nothing! And then expect him to open a portal to save his life!? 

Well it worked, didn‘t it?”

Doesn’t change how dangerous that gamble was. Stupid results oriented thinking. 

Afterwards, Mordo teaches Strange self defense training with magical items. You actually see some improvement on his part, being able to conjure energy whips and what not. Maybe he got a boost of motivation, “I aint about to lose to no ni-“, but he still gets his ass whooped because… experience

Anywho, on his off-time, Strange visits the library to read and learn magic spells, his rapid improvements owing to his incredible mental processing of information, or “Mighty Whitey” invocation. Nevermind how he can read Tibetan script. We are introduced to Wong, originally Strange’s man servant in the comics (sounds bad, no?) who tries to threaten Strange about stealing books. Due to the events at the beginning of the movie involving Kaecilius stealing pages ohhhhh shit. You forgot all that. Despite his threats, Strange uses his portal spell to take books with Wong not knowing shit. Eventually, Strange learns about time manipulation and sneaks into the  Sanctum Santorum (Base of Operations for the Sorcerer Supreme) and finds the ever important Eye of Agamoto. 

Normally this trinket can only be utilized by one of pure spirit. But this is Disney so Strange can use it immediately. He plays around with an apple to test out his chrono powers and then uses it on the book where the 2 pages were torn. Rewinding time to see exactly what pages were stolen until Mordo and Wong appear to stop him. They lose their shit when they find out what he’s doing and warns him that tampering with time could have dire ramifications, like being stuck in a time loop where the same events woul d occur over and over and over again. But because he’s learned too much, Wong decides to school him in on what’s what. Strange learns about the 3 Sanctums and how act as a shield against Dormmanu, one of Strange’s most powerful enemies, and that all of their training is infact to safeguard Earth’s dimension from other worldly attacks. At first, Strange is in disbelief, but suddenly, Kaecilius attacks (was NO ONE guarding the fucking doors!?) and forces Strange to escape to the New York Sanctum. 

After being stunned by his own arrival, Kaecilius appears and kills the keeper of the Sanctum, and then attacks Strange. The “Mr. Doctor” joke feels about as phoned in as Angry Joe’s acting. Surprisingly,  Strange manages to hold his own with his patented energy whip… for five minutes until he pusses out and spends the rest of his battle running away. By now, however,  I’m dissappointed. I wanted to see battles of sorcery at work! Incantation vs echantment! Verbal invocation of spells! 

Instead we get bootleg Winter Soldier. Martial arts extravaganza! We get like 1 or 2 spells at best, but otherwise its a generic kung fu battle. Eventually Strange gets into a fist fight with Kaecilius who mocks him for rightfully sucking… and smears Strange all over the place. But at the last minute, he is saved by the cloak of… sentient levatation!?

….no, that‘s actually pretty cool. I shall allow it!

The cloak leads Strange to a mystical straight jacket (thats the best description I can give) and locks Kaecilius down, proceeding to interrogation. Kaecilius reveals that he used to be a student of AO up until he discovered that she had gained immortality via connections to the dark dimension. This would explain her asshole tendencies quite well. Kaecilius was more upset that she kept the secret of immortality from him. So he betrayed her, stole 2 pages from book of… something.. to invoke the power of Dormmamu and gain his long life. In exchange, they help him destroy the 3 sanctums thus allowin him free reign to fuck shit up. Basic villain motivation. Then Strange gets stabbed by air and is chased down a hallway by Deadpool…. no the guy from Wolverine Origins, Scott Atkins, he was the tightlipped variant. Strange is on the ground trying to make a portal to the hospital, and his cloak face fucks his persuer.

After escaping through, he quickly gets his girlfriend to operate on him.while that happens,  Scotty uses Astral form to break free, goes to the hospital and fights Strange in astral combat! This scene was so damn good. Their fighting causes ripples that disturb the operation,  thats a lotof tension in one fight. Eventually,  Strange finds that when his body is defibbed, his astral form discharges electricity, so he demands the voltage be turned and literally cooks Scotty’s soul.

YOUR SOUL MAKES A POOR MEAL!” Sorry….

After that, he returns after saying bye bye to his bitch and finds that Kaecilius escaped. And then AO and Mordo arrive. Strange wants while he steals dialogue from the cartoon. “I became a doctor to save lives,  not take them!” Which is a wonderful dose of hypocrisy. I mean… rejecting patients because they weren’t challenging enough!? Who are you shitting, man? Clearly you’re terrified, people with magic eyeshadow just tried to kill yo ass.

AO of course tells him he can’t back out because details. You know, details like Barry man who opted to fix his back and go play basketball rather than fighting dimensional warriors? The Ancient One is a hypocritical fuck job. Of course Strange gets pissed and confronts her on her little connection to the dark dimension. Truthfully, I’d be more pissed about keeping the true purpose of the training a secret, but eh. AO walks out resolving nothing, Mordo scolds Strange for being an ass (even though he has every right to be so at this point!) and then Kaecilius returns with reinforcement. 

*sigh* You guys know dick all about pacing,  eh? We just had 2 fight scenes already, and you wanna go again!? Allow the Audience to catch their breath! Anyway,  Kaecilius attempts to destroy the Sanctum, but Strange seals everyone into the mirror dimension,  its like a isolated domain that prevents magic from affecting the real world. But then Mordo reveals that because they are connected to the dark dimension, Kaecilius’s group grows more powerful. This is shonen anime levels of bullshit here, but TENSION! So Kaecilius warps the city into a distorted world. Buildings and streets are flying about. This would have been a cool scene, but its cluttered and clumsily animated that it feels like it was just thrown together to show off some visual style. Strange and Mordo try to escape but find thats impossible. But then AO returns (WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!?) However,  Mordo spots red markings on her forehead and comes to realize that she’s a dirty hoe. Yep, the Ancient One is tied to dark power in this movie. Im surprised no one called this sexist given that when AO is female, her power is tied to something evil…. I shouldnt have said that

But it also confirms why through out the whole movie she’s been more of a cruel mistress than anything else. 

Anywho, they fight and something real bullshit happens.  AO gets killed by stab wound. How bullshit is this? Ok, Mordo explained that Anyone connected to the dark dimension grows in power, yes!? At the beginning of the movie,  we see AO not giving a shit about Kaecilius or his flunkies as she smeared them all over the walls. Clearly she’s more powerful than Kaecilius. And she’s connected to the dark dimension.  By that logic, she should have grown stronger in the mirror dimension. 

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LOSE THAT FIGHT!?

She went out like a bitch in this movie! Hell, at least in the comics, it took the threat of Shuma Gorath (That squid from Marvel Vs Capcom, yes) to end AO’s life. And that was via demand in Strange to shut down his mind so that Gorath could not invade through AO’s body. Hell, AO’s death made more sense in the cartoon, at least there AO had exhausted his energy and grew weaker from before being murdered by Mordo. But here, this cunt had all the vigor and talent in the world and just lost!? It just shouldn’t have happened. 

But w/e, they escape, Kaecilius destroys the New York Sanctum,  and AO is rushed to a hospital. But before anyone can save her sorry ass, she goes astral and Strange follows suit, begging her not to die. AO says some motivational shit about how she knew her time end likethis or…. something. All things considered,  I say let the bitch croak. I dont give a fuck! AO has been a useless nuisance who didn’t really teach Strange anything of worth!

Any of y’all notice that!? All AO taught Strange was portal hopping, but because Strange had a damn good memory of book reading, he learns other spells all by himself!! What the fuck did he need AO for!? Just to humble his bitch ass!? Well w/e, after this unemotional death, Strange finds Mordo sulking about AO being a lying turd, how he vowed never to use dark power and feeling betrayed. Strange tells him to quit his bitching so they can focus on saving Wong who is currently guarding the hong Kong Sanctum from Kaecilius. 

And this final battle is damned lame. Kaecilius already destroyed the Sanctum (and fucked the London sanctum off-screen) thus allowing the Dark Dimension to emerge. However, Strange took the eye of agamotto and reversed time to before Kaecilius wrecked shit. Of course, rewinding time takes it’s sweet time and Strange and Mordo quickly rush to the rebuilding sanctum, ressurecting Wong in the process. But somehow Kaecilius and his crew manage to break free of the rewind (which is some bullshit) and intercepted their rewind. The Chaos Control is broken and DD is still raping the Earth. But then Strange gets a better idea. He grows a pair a flies headlong into the DD and faces Dormmamu alone.

Dormmamu! I have come to bargain!”

Ok so there’s no flaming skull but i’ll roll with it cause he looks neat! And then he disintegrates Strange. Wellshit!

But then Strange comes back, and Dormmamu’s all like “dafuq, I killed you!” And he does it again. 

And again

And again

After about 10 kills, Dormmamu goes nuts. Strange created a time loop in the DD! The bargain being that if he wants out of the time loop, he takes his goons off of Earth. So he does.

I admit, I cracked a smile during that bout. Out witting the Sorcerer Supreme of the dark dimension is so vintage Strange! But that does bring up a flaw. If Kaecilius could break out of Strange’s time warp, and he gets his power from Dormmamu,  but he couldn’t break out of his time warp… then Kaecilius is more powerful than Dormmamu, which is some bullshit.

Anywho, Strange returns the eye to the Tibetan sanctum and Wong tells him its a good idea not to walk around with an infinity gem… meaning the Eye of Agammoto is the time gem…. *sigh*

….You know what!? Fuck this movie! Right up its ass! Hard, long dick style, I dont give a fuck, fuck this movie!

Disney, You rat bastards! Do you know what the Eye of Agammoto is!? It is one of 3 relics created by Agammoto, third member of the Vishantis. Strange could utilize it for a number of different functions. It allows him to see passed disguises, banish demons, unseal dimensional doorways, use healing magic, creating illusions, probing minds, dispelling malevolent powers, suffeciently weakening evil entities, fuck me, the eye of Agammoto is some omni-powerful shit! Yes it has time warping functions as well, but that was ONE FUNCTION! Here!? Its all the eye can do! All because you think it has to connect to infinity wars in some way!? 

The Eye of Agammoto was a MAJOR contributor to Strange’s emense power! Not only that, but in many ways served as a status symbol of s/he who is the Sorcerer Supreme of Earth! Infact, I dont think the title of sorcerer supreme was even mentioned in this whole fucking movie!!! Why would you neglect something so integral to Doctor Strange lore!?

Damn you to hell, Disney! You’ve essentially CRIPPILED one of the most powerful heroes of the known Marvel universe in your misguided quest to set up future films! 

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Well I’ll baww some other time. After credits we get Thor talking about him and Loki looking for Odin. These asswipes just make up plot holes to get you to watch these movies, I swear. And Mordo becomes evil (Obviously). I guess Barry man did get punished for bailing out. 😛

Doctor Strange is a much needed epiphany for the masses. That Disney’s comic adaptations are just throw away checks. In it’s entirety, the movie felt rushed. Having 3 action scenes squeezed together screams phoned in. The comedy especially falls flat with its throw away references to Beyonce that borders on cringe-worthy insanity. Its also clear that the writers had no idea where to take the plot at times. After the first half of the movie, shit just happens for no reason. The scene where Wong and Mordo explain what Dormmamu is, Kaecilius appears immediately and blows shit up, and im left thinking what the hell just happened? 

The movie lacks context. Barely anything in the film is explained or can be explained. Why is Kaecilius stronger in the mirror dimension via dark dimension? Idk. Why was barry man allowed to leave the Ancient One with his back intact, but Strange is scolded for wanting out? Idk. Why can Kaecilius resist time manipulation but Dormmamu can’t? idk. Why is the Eye of Agammoto a fucking infinity gem!? Idk.

All I can assume is they ran out of ideas on how to advance the plot, and started throwing darts at the wall.

Other than that, there are the characters too. Dr. Strange was turned into a less insufferable Tony Stark (im not happy about that either way). His entire demeanor is exceptionally fucked. I never imagined they could screw this character so badly, but i’ve drastically underestimated Disney’s capacity to rape their adaptations. 

But hell, that’s nothing compared to the Ancient One. She’s shown to be an incompetent sociopath who can’t protect her own sanctuary from lesser beings, and her treatment of Strange is unnecessarily cruel. And refusing to tell your students the true purpose of your teachings is irresponsible. I’d certainly want to know why your enemy would want to whoop my ass. Good riddance when she died.  

Wong just sucked. Nothing is redeemable about his character in any capacity.  

Mordo… was actually the only good character in the movie. His motivation for turning evil was handled rather well, all things considered. He’s a hard ass who was intensily against… fuck, that‘s bad syntax… Mordo hates evil, but when he finds that AO was a dirty hoe with dark power, he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He feels duped, betrayed, all that jazz.

Kaecilius was a walking deus ex machine. The stuff he pulls off in this movie is bullshit enchilada supreme with extra bullshit. Doesn’t that he’s the…11th marvel to not have anything that’s memorable (hey Disney! Heroes are nothing with out good villains! Learn that shit already!). Im shocked that Dormmamu was in the movie.

Trust me, this one is no where near as bad as guardians of the Galaxy,  but it is close. Its an easily forgettable film not unlike the Thor movies that shows the studio had no idea what to do with it. Which means that perhaps Disney should actually stop and think about what they’re doing. Disney only offers one style of writing and directing, and that levity-centric BS does nothing for Doctor Strange. What hope is there for Black Panther now? These movies are getting worse.

*sigh* Well shit, this is a low point. I got writer’s block and I dont know what the hell else to talk about regarding games. You can probably guess why. Im trying not to make several Pokemon posts, Sonic is literally dead to me (Mania definitely broke my balls) and I currently have no plan to buy current gen consoles. Atm they are too damn expensive and im too damn cheap. You become… reluctant to spend money on an industry that is more obsessed with bleeding you dry and pulling stupid ass moves with games that force you onto the internet either by DLC thats required to enjoy the game, or a mandatory patch that is required to make the game fucking work even though it should fucking  work right outta the box, escpecially when these cocksuckers still want you to pay full fucking price!

Its frustrating because pubs and devs will never stop pulling BS like this. And I dont have the patience for it anymore. I want a complete game for the prices they charge. I dont want to buy some toy statue to get bonuses, that should already be in the game via some unlockable shit.

But yeah, as the title suggests… and no pun intended. Just know that because I lack a decent PC, I dont have any opinions on fan games in particular.

I could probably review Dr. Strange now that I think about it….