Tag Archive: Resident Evil


Ok, long story short, I got blackmailed into playing this shit because some chick at my job… hates me. Eh… since I can’t keep my mouth closed, she figured out I write this blog, got pissy I dissed RE6 “without playing it“. Cause… you know, you’re supposed to eat poop to know it tastes like shit. And… she caught me in an act that shall remain a mystery to you all.

Seeing she wasn’t going to leave me alone, she pretty much shoved the damn copy in my face and urged me to validate my opinion for fear of losing my job. It is at this moment that I learned that women are evil and that maybe the catholics weren’t too crazy lumping them with a symbolic representation of satan.

Yes. RE6 is that bad. No, scratch that, this game is… it epitomizes everything that is wrong with this industry and multiplies it by 6…. times 3! It’s impossible to think that I might’ve played a game that is officially worse than Skyward Sword. The unthinkable has happened.

Not really an exciting crossover to be honest

Koboyashi shows just how to draw people into video games by opening up the entire game with a quick time event! How many you ask? 3! The first (barely second into the damn game), is lifting your unattractive female partner off her unconscious ass long enough to get inside a broken down building. The second… opening a door (this is a good MINUTE into the game!) The second… shaking off a random zombie that the game allows to capture you! The third? Piloting a chopper that’s gone out of control!

Wow! Now that’s how you open a game! Take the player out of the game by pressing random buttons as though they were watching a movie… or playing Heavy ass Rain! This is without a doubt… the worst thing you can do in the beginning of the game. If you’re a game developer and you’re thinking about stream lining a long running series for the sake of attracting a larger audience, this is NOT the way to go about it. Having QTE’s at the very beginning of the game gives the player a horrid perception of how the entire game will play out. Cause if you just make the person go through several tiny “minigame cutscenes” just to get to the next sequence, the player’s motivation to press through the game will be diminished. Who the fuck wants to play a game full of QTEs?

“But that’s just for the beginning! Surely, the majority of the game isn’t a bunch of QTEs”

……just from reading that, you know it’s the exact opposite. I mean goddamn, if there’s a QTE for you to fumble around a deserted car just to look for some damn keys, you know you’re fucked for the long run.

There are 3 stories centering around Chris Redfield, main character of the series, Leon Kennedy, the fangirl magnet that is only relevant because of RE4’s unwarranted popularity, and Jake Muller, white trash bastard son of Albert Wesker who looks… nothing like Wesker and is more akin to Donte from DmC who tries faaaar too hard to be cool. I mean picture this. He’s on a raft where he gets attacked by multiple enemies. What’s his comment at the end of the ride?

“That was a worse boat ride than the Titanic!”

Oh yes. You will learn to hate him and his shitty one-liners. A good majority of the time you just want someone to give him a kick in the ass. Unfortunately, that’s NEVER going to happen because you see… he’s the son of Wesker meaning he inherited Wesker’s overpowered super human abilities giving Jake more strength and agility than he needs, making him nearly as invincible as his daddy. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, he knows kung fu. You know what that means?

He’s the perfect asshole!

Damn I hate perfect assholes in games and television. Whether it’s the main character in Pacific Rim, Jack from Anarchy Reigns, or Ken Masters from Street Fighter, perfect assholes are the kinds of characters that are douches to everyone around them, but completely flawless in all of their categories. At the same time, we’re damn near expected to love their asses no matter how irritating they are. How fucked is my life that we go from one perfect asshole (Wesker) to this bastard?

Anywho, lets start with the story mode that was…. marginally less irritating but filled to the brim with QTEs. LEON! And his new bitch Helena Harper.

At the start of the game, we see Leon and Helena facing the President of the US… at gun point.

Handsome devil, ain’t he?

 

Head of the Oval Office became a zombie and Leon is forced to pull the trigger. A pivotal plot point that is ignored for the entirety of the game unless used by Simmons as a means to taunt Leon.

Afterwards, you go through the college where the President was apparently going to drop dimes on the US’s dealings with Umbrella…. or something. Here, I find the annoyance of having to traverse chairs and tables because apparently, Capcom thinks it’s ok to not let the player walk over tiny spots of broken chairs. At the same time, you’re trying to help random asswipe #1 find his daughter… only for said daughter to die on an elevator and turn into a zombie with worse acting than Keanu Reeves.

That’s what you get for taking a student loan!!!

 

After that, the heroes try to escape campus via a gate…. BUT FIRST… they need to find a key just to get out the gate. So instead of logically trying to find an alternative route like climbing over the fences just to get out, they go look for the fucking key.

So by now, we have had 2 missions, find a missing daughter and then looking for a missing key that is so far deep into the campus that it’s nearly impossible to find. Great! Fetch quests this early in! Once we find said fucking key, we break out and more zombies pop up, we end up popping them and then hurrying about to find a car. Now.. this part is stupid to the core. You’re in the car, right? Now we’re sitting here flicking the control stick in any and all directions (as the game prompts you to do without the specifics of what in mary fuck you’re supposed to be doing, btw) just to find the damn car keys! Oh yes, you’re gonna be looking for keys all over this game. Once you find the damn key, you get attacked by a zombie from a window… and if you’re playing Leon, you have to literally wait for your partner character to shoot the zombie off of you. This is important to remember. Depending on what character you choose for the scenario, you may have to literally fucking wait… for your partner to help you before you can progress with the game! So lets say you picked Chris instead of Piers Nevan (does that not sound like the most made up name you could think of?). In a final boss confrontation, Chris is grabbed while Piers has to slowly fucking crawl to a C-virus vial just to transform and save your life. Now I timed this… it literally takes a whole minute just for the game to progress after Piers finally gets his slow ass over to the virus.

Back to the car, once your partner has shaken off the zombie, you now have a QTE… to do as R.Kelly says and stick the key into the ignition…. and then to start the mother fucking car.

By this point, my patience and tolerance for idiotic game flow design had worn thin, and it felt like Capcom wanted me to burst a blood vessel. Why the fuck do I have to do so many QTE’s in one sitting? Oh, and here’s the kicker. Once you start the car, you travel about 10 centimeters just so you can crash into a couple of cars in the tunnel where a BIG ASS EXPLOSION occurs. Now you gotta get out and walk! Aint… DAT a bitch!? Not only did you survive a burning explosion that would normally kill anyone, you can still fucking walk! So… of the tunnel was that damn close to the campus, then me fiddling around with trying to find car keys and start the damn thing was a complete waste of time!

Ok so after that, Leon and Helena go through the streets and back alleys fighting their way through zombies in what felt like a proper Resident Evil setting. Surviving the streets against hordes of the undead. This is the least bullshit segment of the entire game, and as such actually set my expectations higher than they needed to be.

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

FUCK YEER!

……FAT FUCK YEER

DIS IS HOW RE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!

Then it all sucks when we find out after all the awesome shit, chapter 1 ends.

So… CHAPTER 2 where we’re in a cemetery… after the impossible of having Leon’s escape bus roll off a cliff…. and they miraculously survive again. It started to annoy me how these characters get themselves in amazingly impossible and dangerous situations and live to tell about them all.

So.. we traverse a cemetery where you got these… bone fucks walking around in the shadows. It’s a creepy part, i’ll admit. And then you got those bastard dogs as well. Man, I hate zombie dogs. They’re so fucking CHEAP! Anywho, after reaching the church where Helena desperately wishes to go for no specific reasons (yet), but then… another gate is closed and we must yet again find a damn key. Luckily enough, there’s a shack next to the gate where the key is stashed. BUT…. instead of the getting the key, one of those asshole zombie dogs jumps into a window and swipes the key in it’s gumline. Now, get this, we have to chase the son of bitch through the cemetery… just to get the damn key.

Now… of all the arbitrary ways to pad out the length of the game, they make you go through this shit whore of a process to continue the game!? Chasing a zombie dog… for another damn key. Once we chase the bastard down, we get the key and go back to the gate and open it…. only for some random zombie to knock Leon over a ledge and fall into a weird… area with several doors. At this point, I didn’t know what the hell kind of church has a garden with doors, or cared. All I know is this is one of those arbitrary sections that lock you away from your partner if only in some vain attempt to instill fear into you. Yeah, I’m looking into my insane pool of ammo shitting myself in terror.

After shortly being reunited with Helena, we go to the front door of the church, but the assholes inside tell me to kill off a certain number of zombies before letting us in. Now… here’s the part that tells you just how scripted this game is. There WERE no zombies in the area, but as soon as I try to get in, the zombies start FLOODING the place! Did they just hear the command or something?

Ugly bastards…

Inside the church, everyone is bitching and moaning about the “Apocalypse” coming while me and Helena start investigating, not giving a shit about what anyone else might see us doing, and we go about the church solving clues and mysteries that might lead us to… w/e it is Deborah wants.

…….And there’s a secret lair with statues that shoot arrows. Dafuq indeed. At this point, Capcom felt it necessary to slap in as many Resident Evil 4 references into the game in some poor attempt at invoking nostalgia by creating useless PUZZLES! So here, we’re in adjacent rooms for no apparent reason, where he have to shut off several statues that might shoot us with arrows… by walking over to them and pressing the switch on their bases. I can’t… for the life of me figure out what masochistic fuckwit thought this shit would be fun. But there’s about 5 waves of statues you simply have to run over to… and shut off.

After that, the game takes control away from you and turns your crosshair settings against your will. If you didn’t like the laser sights of RE4, well take your grief and like it bitch cause the game automatically changes the crosshair into the laser sighting. Why? Because well.. there’s mirrors in the room in which you have to burn with your laser sighting. Why? Well, to open the doors.

Then, after all that shit, you get to the roof to find a BAD ASS SNIPER RIFLE! …….And you have to use it to shoot five churchbells in order to open another passage.

At this point, they’re just shoving meaningless puzzles in your face while pretending that you’re supposed to care. And why does ringing five bells open up a new passage, by any chance?

Anywho, after solving more idiot puzzles, I finally uncover an underground passage. BUT WAIT! Instead, there is a giant monster made out of puffy titties.

This diabolical nipple creature blows out some strange blue gas that turns everyone in the church into raging zombies. So yeah, kill it with firepower! You will never look at Paizuri the same way again!

What was a moderately simple boss fight leads to an underground laboratory where we come to another puzzle. You have multiple doorways with numbers above them. And a machine with a code input. That’s right! Time for Resident Evil’s code puzzles! You have the ability to look in some of the doors and peak at what kinds of zombies are inside. It’s actually pretty cool in some instance, but it’s back to work. Unfortunately, the assholes at capcom scratched off some of the numbers above the doors, so you’re basically typing in random codes to open random doors.

Ok… first off, throw me a fucking bone. Now this game jerks me around with guessing door codes. If that’s the director’s attempt at “creating false tension” like Mikami used to do to dick around people, this is a poor attempt. This does nothing but piss people off by making them guess random numbers. Resident Evil should’ve moved beyond this BS by now.

After moving past the gay code guessing process, we move onto more labs, zombie dogs, stupid bridge puzzles, and the like, we’ve finally come to the secret that Deborah wanted to show us. A video called “happy birthday Ada”. They play the tape and see a cocoon where a NAKED ADA WONG hatches in her slimy glorious birth! See her slimy, silky skin as she pours all over the floor and…. yeah, thats some nasty shit.

The worst lap dance ever.

If you didn’t play the other story paths first, then you’ve basically spoiled the plot twist. They made an Ada Wong clone. WOW!

Then, we immediately exit the labs… and find some underground ruins. Yeah, now the game is just all over the place. First a church with mindless puzzles, then an underground lab, and now some ruins.

But… we managed to find helena’s sister. Yes, this was the person she was looking for all this time. We come to find out 2 things. She was possibly captured and held for ransom, and she’s got a phat ass. Damn white women stealing the black woman’s booty.

Anywho, a boss fight ensues as “Deborah” transforms into some weird slimy spider bitch, and what ensues is one of the most poorly thought out “action set pieces” to ever. Basically, the mines start collapsing around them, and at some point, the characters ride some out of nowhere mine cart that spirals “downward” near low level debris and…. yeah.

And… the whole game is like this, really. It’s just a bunch of random bullshit missions you have to suffer through until you get to the premiere boss battles that all end after several minutes of lame cutscene transitions, you get to short parts where you actually get to DAMAGE the fucker, and then move on with more cinematic hollywood dog shit that Japan seems to think is awesome. Then the monsters have these ridiculous designs that not even fans of Shin Megami Tensei, with all their fucked up tastes, could learn to appreciate.

And the story makes no sense in the long run. You never get a gist of what in the hell is going on. Ok, so there’s a “Neo Umbrella” that is supposed to be Umbrella Corps ressurection, but in the end, you find out it’s a feud between 2 scientists who have some unresolved sexual tension.

……..Yeah, I’m probably not making this up. Some bitch called Carla wants to kill Simmons for some non-specific betrayal, but the most I can gather is that Simmons and Carla were dating, but Simmons wanted Ada Wong’s ass, so Carla spread the C-Virus to implicate Simmons….. I’ve no idea what the fuck is going on, really. To me, the whole game’s story came out due to a lover’s quarrel. And We’re supposed to accept that as the next logical step in Resident Evil’s ongoing legacy of bioterrorism.

This combined with all the arbitrary puzzles shoved into the game simply to pad out 5 short chapters per character makes this whole game feel desperate. It’s cinematic and overwhelming amount of QTEs was tiring and made the game feel more like a choir than a game. It tried to be everything from Heavy Rain to Gears of War (especially with Chris fighting in Edonia). It tried to please everyone, but in the end, pleased no one, not even Capcom’s greedy shareholders. It is the very essence of creatively bankrupt.

Resident Evil 6 is truly the death of Resident Evil and of people’s faith in Capcom’s ability to deliver on the same thrilling chills of the previous titles. And it shows with their ridiculous desires to turn the series into a-

*plays revelations*

……….Holy nutballs, this game kicks ass!

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I play black dude. Die like BITCHES!

Despite my furious anger at Gearbox, I still had an inkling of interest in the Borderlands series and wanted to check out the first game, so going by their greatest fears, I had found a GOTY version in the used games section of a Gamestop. Despite all the hype surrounding the whole “first game better than last” syndrome of the fandom, I stood my ground that I was going to hate this game with extreme fervor. As an FPS developed by these scoundrels, it is impossible for-…….holy nutballs, this game is FUN!

It was almost inconceivable. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to find so many legendaries in such a short amount of time. It was also amazing how the weapons were actually USEFUL! In BL2, I was constantly bombarded by living bullet sponges who could absorb everything that wasn’t a perfect critical shot. The game was utterly ridiculous with it’s enemies pumped full of a wretched amount of health and defense. If you weren’t playing a sniping based Zero, your odds of survival were dramatically decreased. And obnoxiously enough, the game had the nerve to toss in enemies with virtually no weakpoints (Big Game Hunt especially) so you were destined to fight a losing battle.

BL1? There’s no pressure at all to find weakpoints. Enemies seem to go down pretty quickly given your accuracy remains stable enough. Certainly, the enemies can still whoop yo ass without much effort (I’m dumbfounded by how ducking behind a rock still can’t protect me from getting nicked), but at the same time, they have very little health to fight with in the first place. Amazingly enough, I’m using some low level weapon I found early on… in the final boss fight! In BL2, you had to immediately ditch w/e weapon you found for another as soon as you go up a few levels in order to  remain competitive against your foes. But in BL1, anything goes. Just use w/e you have at your disposal and not worry so much about stats and more so about strategy! Some of it gets real abusable too.

I LOVE THIS DAMN THING!

The packed in DLC levels didn’t hurt either. Though most of them are quite disappointing, they re hilarious. General Knoxx getting pissed that he took orders from a 5 year old and kept bitching about it while sounding like an elderly Brock Samson from the Venture Brothers was gold. That doesn’t even begin to explain the better menu screens. Barely any lag in coop? Non-disorientating skill tree menu? Easier to find mission log? HELL YEAH!

What a FUCKING relief!

Then there’s the little things such as equipping character skills with different elements. If I wanted the turret or Bloodwing to be on fire or acid, VOILA and thats the fucking end of it! But noooooo, in number 2, the siren gets those perks! The only thing I could piss and moan about was the lack of corner maps to help find out where to go next, the lack of tangible story and how every environment is exactly the same damn barren wasteland/cave/junkyard, and how incredibly short it is, but if that’s the price for a more entertaining and fun ass game, so be it.

BL2 is, at this point, wasted potential. With all it’s bells and whistles, it’s ultimately buried under a pile of bullshit. Lame jokes trying to force memes on the internet (Catch a RIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!), horrid drop rates for any decent weapon in a game where legendary gear is damn near a necessity for most cases, where you’re swamped with “Super Badass Loaders” at every occasion, the game is a complete chore to play in comparison to BL1. It feels like what Capcom did to RE6 and tried WAAAAAAAAAAY to damn hard to make it all “epic” and shit while making it such a drag that it comes crashing down on it’s own self-congratulatory vapid banal ego-driven content. BL1 is nowhere near as obnoxious as it’s sequel. Handsome Jack is still one of the best damn villains in gaming, though. Not to mention it’s actually what I wanted. A kind of Mad Max setting where you’re tearing through assholes trying to look for treasure, not some lame ass “resistance against the big bad corporate dictator” story that always seems to end up the same way in every plotline people come up with.

Unknown jackoff knows of corporation, doesn’t give a shit.
Corporation tries to kill said jackoff for non-specific reasons
Jackoff finds resistance and joins in because justice and… shit.
Jackoff and resistance does well for now.
Jackoff unintentionally leads corporation to the resistance hideout
Resistance is crushed and the leader’s (or significant person) life is now in danger. Jackoff initiates plan to rescue said leader
Jackoff defeats corporation in the process and saves the world.

Yeah, maybe not exactly the way it happened, but most of those details are damned accurate. At this point, it begs to be asked just how widespread this issue is cause I can’t be the only mother fucker in the known universe that sees the unmitigated shitstorm problem of why sequels are not living up to the expectations set by the first installments of their franchises. It is insane just how much disappointment I see in fanbases all across the board. Even the COD fanboys are just about tired of Activision’s bullshit. And damn sho, I’m tired of being disappointed by sequel after sequel where I’ve come to find that the devs or publishers schemed to completely fuck up some of the best franchises of all time, not just fucking them up, but destroying legacies by the dozen.

The utter banality that is the continuation of any franchise that started sometime in the 90s is literally impossible to escape, and it even seems that younger series that got their start in the 7th generation have already  gotten devs and pubs scheming to destroy their products with utter greed. We’re talking about an FPS/RPG hybrid that was completely fine in the first installment, but then some hippie asshole comes up and says that “our happiness is not profitable“! Afterall, in the religion of capitalism, keeping people in a state of anxiety and despair equates to creating demand for rampant DLC practices! So lets completely fuck up the damage scaling and make damn near every weapon you receive completely useless so that you’d be desperate enough to buy some Hunter upgrade pack just to be able to get through…. yet another unbalanced difficulty mode! And what would the reward be? Well, a collection of more useless fucking weapons! Well done!

Businesses that sell you things you actually need could get away with nickel and diming you for shit services because in your mind, you will actually need these services to go about your daily life. Junk entertainment is nothing you need at all. The crazy fucks in the industry, however, think they can get away with the same practices. Which is unfortunately working at the moment, seeing that most of the gaming public is now too terrified to leave their houses and buy things in a physical medium so that they have a semblance of ownership over their purchased products. So instead, everything is digital, even access to half the shit already on the CDs! Why is it that I can’t gain access to fighting game characters that are already on the game Netherrealm, Crapcom, Sony, etc? Afterall, 2 of these asshole factories had the nuts to release special editions with access to all the characters on the damn discs anyway.

Apparently, the game industry has gone MIA from the sanity department and jumped straight in a water filled with Great Whites as they ceaselessly destroy sequel after sequel in either an attempt to cheat you out of your money or to share a new “creative vision” that is in complete opposition to the wishes of the audience for no other reason than to attempt what could be considered selling teabags to customers who asked for Starbucks quality coffee! In no other entertainment industry have I ever seen a bunch of artistic douchbags imitate the insurance industries by fucking their customers over and over again while still expecting them to pony up for the impromptu involuntary ass fuckings.

None of this speaks louder than Nintendo’s desire to shove in as many assist trophies into Super Smash Bros. 4 in some vain attempt to apologize for not doing the logical thing and making some of those awesome assist trophies playable fucking characters! Have you seen most of the announcements for new characters come from the alternatively named pokeball characters are people who we’d actually prefer to be in this game over the Wii-fit assholes and the Village Idiot? Who’s that chick from Kid Icarus? I mean the last thing we need is a character worthy of being playable! No, lets shove that unholy bitch into statue format, and the audience had damn well better appreciate the fact that she’s at least given some “recognition” because…. in the depths of our own psyhosis, that’s all the nerds really care about! We saw it on GoNintendo.com, it must be true!

Start the water works!

Here’s a idea for you Sakurai, if the overwhelming amount of assist trophies are much cooler than the current roster you have for Super Smash Bros. then you have a problem and need to take your bitch ass back to the drawing board. Words cannot describe how utterly pissed I was when Lyn was announced as a goddamn trophy! Afterall, I needed more than just 2 piddly reasons (Ike and Sonic) to make up for the loss of my Mewtwo and the severely massive nerfs to some of the best characters (IE my Fox, Ganon and Mario) if only out of some misguided attempt to keep the game out of the hands of tourneyfags because you simply don’t adhere to their philosophy of playing to win. I don’t care what the reasons are. The assist trophies are a stupid addition to the series and only serves as an excuse for Nintendo to not do extra work on making more playable characters. Balance, you say? There’s no such thing in the world of fighting games! Either make them playable or keep them in the trophy menu.

Of course, I should expect no less from Japanese developers. These assholes would prefer nothing more than removing all semblance of player choice in video games altogether if it meant you playing the game the way they envisioned with no regard for your entertainment whatsoever. The Pokemon games could vouch for that with the amount of ways to obtain one pokemon vastly reduced to a limited and tedious process like Honey Trees or by trading with other people who may or may not have the Pokemon you desire. Or how about Resident Evil 6 with no regard for your desire to retrace your steps back to previous rooms in a game and have the mother fucking gall to place invisible walls in an auditorium so the only thing you can do is jump over a guard rail to initiate a fight against a mother fucking zombie T-Rex. Really crapcom? No wonder the gaming public ripped you a new asshole over the set piece ridden world of Resident Reposeful.

And the Jake and Sherry Campaign was the WORST fucking part of the whole title!

 

If it’s not the games that radically change all the elements of a game to fit their business or creative desires, it’s the sequels that change nothing but exemplify the WORST aspects of their prequels! What was the point of paying for Rayman Legends or NSMBU other than to have a graphically super version of the vanilla editions? This is laziness of the umpteenth degree! Not only does Rayman Legends not improve on anything Origins did, it also adds in little obnoxious bullshit gimmicks like Murfy so that you can solve puzzles while running away from a 1-hit kill firewall in a scripted running segment. I’ve never seen such disorientatingly horrific game design like this since Mega Man Network Transmission. There’s just some shit you cannot do in 2D platformers to rival 3D platformers in any way, what would you need to do so for? 2D Platformers are automatically superior by way of not needing to fiddle with the fucking camera, but you expect me to treat it like a 3D platformer by handing me 20 trillion smurf looking fuckers to find just to unlock, are you ready for this?…….. character skins. Not even cool ones, just a bunch of random shitty skins like “Lol character swapped color palettes”. That’s the best you can give me for a bloated fetch quest!? How about one of those hot bitches you took out from the last game being playable characters!? That’s motivation enough! Then again, I can’t imagine why I would bother unlocking them anyway, the main game is done and over with and as anti-climatic as that final boss was, it wouldn’t be worth the sex appeal anyway.

Holly Luya indeed.

Amma knows I was just about sick of Namco’s ass fuckings when concerning the state of the Soul Calibur franchise bursting it’s bubble of prosperity almost immediately after SC2 gave Zelda fans an actual Link that was so badass, he could rival the entirety of the SC cast just by having the strongest set of lungs in the world. Hey, here’s a grnd idea! Lets remove fan favorites like Kilik, Sophitia, Taki, Talim and hell lets toss the token nigga in the mix… and replace them with some bitch with a crystal ball and claws! It’s such a genius idea to invoke so many animu tropes in a game that was nearly void of any of that bullshit simply because, like every other japanese developer in the world, and focus on those goddamned otaku shit stains that aren’t even considered worthy of the air breathe! I can’t have Kilik because a monkey with a tapeworm is just that much more Kawaii to you asswipes? If I had to hear one more deathcry from him yelling “FOOOOOOOOOOOOD” for no other reason than to exaggerate his non-comical eating disorder, I will shit chain saws.

Lets not forget the idiocy of making Guard Impacts completely special move based and as complicated to remember because “we at Namco don’t value the absolute necessity for seasoned fans to get into a sequel because we want every game to be “unique” or some retarded shit” and then have the nerve to make guard impacts completely dependent on 2D fighting game logic of needing a goddamned fighting guage to activate the techniques. If SF3 Turd Strike necessitated super gauges just to pull off a single parry, the assholes at SRK would never ride the game’s nuts as much as they do. Soul Calibur is already far too lenient on button mashers in which the window for pulling off GI’s are too small now for some reason, now you remove their importance entirely for the sake of what fucking reason!? To make it “accessible” to newer players that DIDN’T buy the game anyway? Sure, we could take the bullshit about the game being rushed, but there was absolutely NO good reason to change the commands for character moves a SECOND/THIRD time in a row, or remove characters, turning Kilik and Sophitia both into mimics while also putting in Weapon Master making a totaly  of 3 different mimics, or making GI’s absolutely worthless and non-existent.

Soul Calibur 5 wasn’t rushed, it was made by some asshole on the Tekken team that wanted to literally kill the franchise if only so that he wouldn’t have to work on 2 different fighting games at one time. Nothing says this more than the inclusion of a “Devil Jin” soul in the CAS mode. Shameless promotion? Oh fuck no, this is Japanese passive aggression at it’s finest!

Even recent series that I start to get into immediately get fucked up, for whatever reason Ratchet and Clank Into The Nexus is such a bad game that I can’t bring myself to shut the hell up about it. If the inability to change the control presets and wretchedly short game length were no problem, then certainly it’s just how UN-Ratchet the game feels. There’s literally no comedy which was probably one of the major elements of the Ratchet and Clank series, turning the game into a more mild version of Sonic 06. Yes, I’m aware that Dead Space was a pretty popular survival horror game at some point, but Ratchet and Clank is not Dead Space! Putting “dark” areas in the game with eerie music and more fucked up looking villains that seem reminiscent of the Borg from Star Trek the Next Generation does not count as a Dead Space game! Especially considering that halfway through the game, the devs decided to ditch the “horror” element, w/e horror there was, and go back to a poor imitation of previous Ratchet and Clank titles without the funny or interesting environments.

By then, the game felt more obnoxious than cool, and the developers had the nerve to put in a museum of their past characters such as Drek or that guy from Deadlocked. And for some reason, the creator of the series feels the need to stamp his ass into the game in some vain attempt to gain creator god status amongst internet nerds so that he may be worshipped in the same way as Shigeru Miyamoto. Having a game that pisses me off with it’s wannabe AAA production values, buggy ass gameplay, shitty gimmicked Clank levels that you can’t skip and aren’t even remotely as fun as the clank modes in UYA or TOD, is not gonna warrant my lips stapled to your ass! The sheer self-congratulatory sequence of the museum right before the tedious “city under invasion” sequence reeks of “trying to hard to be epic” with what is one of the most anti-climatic final showdowns in the series yet. The final game in the Future series has no actual closure to the story of Ratchet’s separation anxiety from other Lombaxes in the series and could be mistaken for a mild spinoff. The only redeeming quality would’ve been the female villain that could actually be treated as a threat since Chairman Drek… up until the bitch gets captured and the game goes into the whole “what have I done” shtick of amateur writing that has pervaded the entertainment industry for quit some time now.

And I’m STILL seeing this fuckin movie, even though Ratchet looks retarded.

For once in this or last generation, I would like for a sequel that actually exceeds expectations instead of sending them shattering through the pits of the underworld where Ausar anxiously awaits to feed the souls of these horrid abominations to the jaws of Ammut. Ironically, the only sequel that manages to be decent came directly from Platinum Games. Yeah. Anarchy Reigns not only plays better than it’s Wiitarded cousin Madworld, but also has the decency to put itself in color so you wouldn’t get lost in the sprawling overworld mazes because every landmark you could find blends in too fucking well with the Sin City nut riding aesthetics. Add to it the lack of QTE styled death blows that got a little too repetitive for my tastes, and it’s an alright beat em up game that only suffers due to having only 4 stages and the same banality of needing to complete missions in order to gain a high score just to progress, making the game slower paced than Sonic’s Lost Mind! My one true hope, and I’m serious, is that if Guilty Gear Xrd comes stateside, it won’t be some ass fucked sequel as most other fighting games have become.

……..If this game does not kick ass…….

 

Happy Holidays bitches. Got some clippers  cause apparently I’m a hairy bastard. Whatever.

Checkin out Sly Cooper…. not bad so far but that turtle is reminding me of Navi all over again, but fuck all that noise.

Capcom has proven to be very stupid these days.

You know that tidbit about gamers being in the 30s? You know, that average that has been that way since…. forever maybe? Yeah, Capcom thinks that’s a problem. See, in their minds, people in their 30s and 40s have a tendency to outgrow gaming. I mean, how can they not? What with all the responsibility of parenting and paying bills taking priority over junk entertainment, yadda yadda. But most adults have the capacity to make free time and not get caught up in stressful situations. But w/e, Capcom says it’s much more strategic to cater to a younger audience as they don’t run the risk of having their audiences leave their games. Since old people have better things to do like die off, which is what all these japs seem to want (especially Nintendo). Problem is they’re talking about a franchise that fucking caters to adults.

Yeah, uh… RESIDENT EVIL is pretty much made for the 30 crowd considering the content involved. A survival horror series mostly about puzzles and getting out of situations, mostly slow paced up until the shitty COD wannabe TPS’s.

Capcom and Japanese developers constantly infuriate and frustrate ALL their audiences because they constantly fall into the “get em while they’re young” clause. Which isn’t a bad theory as the Japanese worship youth as if when you get passed the age of 27, you’re no longer a desirable person. Hell, every anime they have features a teenager with super powers and a bunch of highschool girls with hormone charged titties. The Japanese are horrid people when it comes to age, instantly assuming that going beyond the highschool limit makes you a skidmark on their shoes. Sega tried this bullshit with Sonic, and failed. Capcom isn’t really in a position to pull this shit considering their financial situation.

The entertainment industries of the world are all considering the youth as their saviors of profit considering the economic environment is not in their favor. Since young people are inherently stupid and lack self control, they are the best targets for squeezing cheese from. IE you make content that chases away older audiences and have shills run around talking about “times have changed” and that “this shit was always for younger audiences” while reeling in the stupid youth. Expect RE7 to have Hello Kitty costumes.

How does Capcom plan to do this? By using fashion magazines that appeal to young people. Oh Amma, the WORST audience you could cater to are teenagers/College Students. Teenagers have the absolute worst taste in anything, especially celebrities and music (dubstep is shit, and you know it). So what’s probably going to happen is that Resident Evil will cease to have adult content and probably have something similar to Highschool of the Dead.

If Slit skirt Chinese bitch, Tribal Bikini Black chick, Blond Jill and Hospital cleavage Sherry weren’t clues already…

Hell, SFxT was already a clue that Capcom is going after Teenagers, especially with Poison in mind.

Resident Evil was already dead at #5, and was raped in 6. Looking at that fashion magazine remark, I fucking DREAD what they’ll do in 7. Resident Evil is a series that generally appeals to the 30 year old crowd. It’s not M-rated for no reason. Why not find some sort of middle ground so that resident evil appeals to a wider demographic? I mean… you know… it worked well before. The true test of how good a game is… is how much you enjoy it no matter how old you get. A good reason for why adults grow out of gaming is because developers keep going after younger people like a bad habit. So painting Resident Evil for young(er) people is definitely going to chase the older ones away. Not that Resident Evil had any longevity anyway, all of those games are throw aways with no real replay value. When you experience a Resident Evil title for the first time, the second playthrough is not special because you know the flow of the game. The last time Resident Evil had any replay value was with number 2 having all those alternate playthroughs and routes you could explore. But beyond that, there ain’t much to it.

But “hey, if that’s the case, the TEENAGERS will be stupid enough to buy them anyway!”. You can blame it on Capcom’s financial situation, that which can be blamed on Capcom’s bad business practices of catering to stupid teenagers. Capcom is so unbelievably stupid. First, the DLC practices that got them in this jam, and they think the only way out is through more DLC. As well, catering tto teens chased away their audiences and they think catering to teens again will ARRRRRRGH! The mark of stupidity of trying the same thing over and expecting a different result. And unfortunately, Capcom is not interested in anyone’s concerns on the matter, they’re desperate for money but they don’t know how they’re going to get out.

Other than that, they’re trying to appeal to non-gamers by using movie studios and a “Resident Evil cafe” in Shibuya town. Uh… right. How do you appeal to non-gamers using a HARDCORE gaming franchise!? I’ve not seen video game sales rise with movie tickets, the best selling games have usually been original game titles and non-movie/tv show  related material (unless it’s fucking Disney), but a Cafe!? People might just like the food and atmosphere, but I doubt anyone is going to pay out the ass to get that same experience on a console. Cheap food>>>>>>Expensive games. The REVERSE would happen, the gamers would be drown to the cafe because they’re familiar with the material and they’re EXISTING fans. If you want to cater to non-gamers, you don’t use existing franchises. You have to really introduce them to games that have any franchise history or potentially reboot the franchise. Wii Sports is a good example of introducing non-gamers to video games (I think). But you didn’t see Nintendo Land doing anything, did you? Introducing non-gamers to a gaming franchise by using non-game related promotions is counter-productive considering the expenses of video games and the financial burdens of the WORLD at large. You’re dealing with people who have priorities to keep in check. I bet the Capcom CEO couldn’t pass a bloodtest, he’s so dumb.

In other news, Sega released PSO2 to South Asian territories…. in English.

You can just tell Siliconera thought that was bullshit. It’s right in their title. I had been anticipating this game since it’s announcement, and have been feverishly raging on the inside. Sega announces and then cancels the western release, while giving Asian territories an ENGLISH…. FUCKING…. VERSION! WRAP YOUR BIG ASS HEAD AROUND DAT SHIT!

We CAN’T have our own version in a language we understand, but the FUCKING ASIANS can!

I… shit man! I don’t have the piss to waste, EVERYONE knows that’s bullshit. How much you wanna bet some bureaucratic asshole gamers will blame the folks who got a Japanese account to play the game overseas even when it was declared to be A-OK!?

Neo Sega’s anti-western practices are out of control. They’re already targeting youtubers once again, they’re antagonizing their Sonic fans with Nintendo content (or that’s Nintendo themselves), the mobile game with integrated servers but Japanese audiences getting the overpowered extras that allow them to beat everyone in non-japanese territories (I think it was Kingdom Conquest or something?), and I can tell you this english version being exclusive to Asia is a “Fuck you” to western audiences for getting Japanese accounts (banned as well ofcourse). Sega is literally going out of their way to piss off their western fanbases on every level. Hands down, this company isn’t focused on business, they are focused on a declaration of Japanese supremacy against everyone else. They are deliberately antagonizing western audiences AND PARTNERS. And this is unacceptable on all accounts. Where Sega got this new chip on their shoulder from, I have no idea, but they have the nerve to continue making shoddy games for the west while they give the Japs their best shit ever, what is the goal? It is immature and they should not be allowed to run any business. If you WANT money, and you’re working in 3 different territories, then you deliver EQUAL FUCKING TREATMENT to these territories. Sony does this, Capcom…. used to do this, Namco does, Konami FUCKING does it well, and even SNK to some extent has done this.

Sega, you are not special. You either serve ALL of your audiences equally, or don’t serve anyone at all. If all you’re gonna do is show us your asshole and tell everyone to lick it, we’ll prefer to RYNO instead.

So… many… frustrating… fighting games.

You know, it’s funny how the most played fighting games are Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter 2, and any Tekken game because they’re all the same. You know what I’ve noticed about these particular fighters? There’s no super impressive, gay ass counter system that people would have to depend on.

I don’t quite remember Dead of Alive games being this tedious…

We all know about the counter system, but whoever’s in charge must’ve been desperate to compete with Turd Strike. Cause this counter system is completely ass. To describe my furious anger with counter systems in fighting games, DOA5’s is the culmination of complete and utter bullshit of all counter systems rolled into one. I don’t even recall needing to switch up my directions for countering mid punches and mid kicks. It makes even less sense considering high and low punches and kicks can be countered with the same diagonal direction inputs of UB Hold and DB Hold. But Mids are somehow “special” in that you have to really need to pay attention to whether it’s a punch or a kick that hits in the middle this time. I heard this change was done in 4, and people bitched about it then, but damn. I had no idea it was that tedious. And completely illogical at that. It didn’t feel as though the games were ever dependent on the counter system.

Counter systems like this usually turn the game into a match of mindless predictions. For one, the attacks are pretty fuckin fast. Initially, you’re gonna be overwhelmed by the flurry of attacks. They are greased lightening. And because of the stun system which to this very day is the most idiotic concept ever invented in 3D fighters which one attack can instantly prevent you from attacking or doing anything for a few seconds, literally leaving you to be a sitting duck for the next attack unless you counter properly. Yes. The only thing you can do in this state is counter attacks which wouldn’t be so bad if you knew instantly what your opponent was going to do. And if the counter system wasn’t so fucked up now that you have to alternate between back and forward counter holds against certain kicks, it wouldn’t be such a piss take. The problem with DOA has always been the reliance on the counter system to substitute actual skill with mindless predictions and urging players to fight a certain way instead of one they are comfortable in. Even though this was the first series I’ve enjoyed with a busted ass counter system, Team Ninja decides to fuck that up just to make the game “more skill based” or w/e the fuck they think they can do against Tekken (always heard Itagaki hated Tekken, rightfully so I might add).

According to the franchise’s now demented fanbase who are more than just as irritating as the Street Fighter fans “the creators did not want players to be comfortable with a predictable style. The game forces you to improve-” Aaaaaaaaaah bullshit. The game doesn’t force you to improve at all. It forces you to become proficient at it’s own busted ass system. That’s not improvement, that’s removing choice. See, this is more so directed toward the AI which becomes so impossibly proficient at countering everything you do, you’re not allowed to have your own “flow” so to speak. It’s not so much improving as it is you becoming better at processing battle data and using the system to beat out that data, if you catch my drift. Improving means being able to kick ass on your own merits and your own style of fighting, not the game’s own brand of “skill based universal fighting mechanics” which rigs the damn thing and makes it less about you but more so jerking off to mechanics.

Among other things

It’s only slightly easy to ignore this system if you’re doing “couch multiplayer”, w/e the fuck that means, but if you’re going for pro in this game (you sad creature), you’re gonna be turned into a machine that reads data. This whole counter/stun thing really just needs to be taken out and have it be raw fighting. That’s essentially what Tekken and Virtua fighter already are.

The thing that kills me are all the players that are still bending over to idiotic changes like this because they wanted the fighting to not “stagnate” into the players using the same tactics over and over again (welcome to human nature, jackass). The new future of damage control is…. TA DA! “The developers intended for this”.

Fuck all that nonsense called “player freedom and experimentation”, why the purpose of life is to be the bitch of the system!

Developer Intent” is the subtle but forced application of specific video game mechanics necessitated by repetitious obstacles, situations, and level design, or denying the player access to satisfying and popular content for the sake of an ideology. The counter and stun system of Dead of Alive 5 (and apparently 4 as well given the amount of bitching going on), is one such example. Another would be this.

Yes… the guns.

I can count on hand the amount of times I’ve heard the complaints of “feeling like I need to use the guns because they’re stronger than melee attacks”. They’re…. kinda right. If you have a much better tactic, a more advantagous position of offense, why wouldn’t you take it? Well, if you thought it was for pussies, you’d be a bit upset. The guns offer you a safer vantage as well as ranged attacks usually keep you out of harms way more often than not. You’d be crazy not to use those weapons, just as you’d be batshit not to use the counter systems in many fighting games not named SFA3Max

We also have this tidbit here.

Iizuka: Shadow already offers a deep and involving storyline that unfolds with various paths and endings Thus, the primary adventure and gameplay revolves around our star, Shadow. If we decided to allow a gamer to play multiple characters, we feel it would take away from the ultimate goal.

When asked about the possibility of having multiple characters. It’s an incredibly stupid reason to deny people the ability to play as other characters… oh I’m sorry…. MILD access by way of 2 player with no choice in any of the levels.

Then you have Resident Evil. The game’s mechanics (shit controls, nigh invincible enemies, ammo starvation, and limited saves) were all complaints about the franchise up until 4, which were all justified by Shinji Mikami under the pretense that they were all done to create “tension”. The main strategy would be to run from enemies and not engage in combat…. only to be stuck in a boss fight with giant snakes or man eating plants which made all those excuses complete and utter bullshit.Tension does not mean frustrating, Mikami.

There are numerious examples, including the can of worms I dare not wish to open again for the sake of not being ripped a new asshole, but nowadays, developer intent seems to be the new “you hate it cause you suck”. The intent of the developer should not void your enjoyment of the product. I feel like a broken record saying that, but for some reason people just don’t seem to want to have more of a say in how games should be made, lest they appear “self-entitled” or w/e crazy ass mess they came up with to justify bad decisions on the drawing board. It’s like we’re afraid of challenging the developer’s “vision” of sorts because we’ve built up so much pity around the horror stories of how hellish game development can be, so we swallow w/e bullshit they put out regardless if it’s crap. Video games are wish fulfillment medium for the audience being catered to, not some experiment to create new standards and achieve developer goals (like that asswipe Iizuka with simplified backgrounds just so you can “see the rings better”. You can’t justify laziness). We gotta stop encouraging that mentality on internet forums because we are doing a disservice to ourselves as customers and fans. That mentality gives way to lost minds.

And yet, DOA5 is still more fun than SC5 and TTT2 combined. Eat shit Scamco.

Oh and this…

The only thing I noticed in this trailer… was that Zeena wasn’t wearing any panties. Can’t wait for the hentai. 😛

Oh Amma, the first guy IS emo. >_>

No one cares about the gamepad’s features!

I don’t think developers have realized yet that no one cares about these little gimmicks like giving monsters “text bubbles” or reading messages from players who got their asses kicked. I don’t give a fuck about them!

Here’s what I’ve seen from the DS and Wii. All titles start out with pointless gimmicks because “the tech is there”, the games suffer because players feel forced to use badly implemented controls, later on the games get better as a result of NOT using the gimmicks, players are generally pleased.

Why are they pulling this stupid shit again!? Because it’s just there? If Revelations sucks (which is might), the Wii U version won’t be “enhanced” by the touchpad in any way. You’re wasting money, time, and resources on a feature that no one genuinely cares about.

The Wiimote is superior to the touchpad in several ways.  It is fully interchangeable fr several different gaming genres. It’s a swiss army knife of player control. Wanna play a rail-shooter? You already have the light gun! FPS? Stick a control stick in the ass end. Fighting games? Erm… classic controller ahoy!

The touchpad looks clunky and unsuitable for a variety of games, and looking at how RE:R is playing out, it’s easy to see why. Developers wanting to force more gimmicks into the gameplay for no real purpose. It’s not at all convenient, which the DS and Wii was able to provide. Look how Jill has to solve the puzzle by looking at the touchpad and using it while the main game is still going on with an enemy in the background. This does not at all look like a fun feature. What is the logic or point to it than to justify Nintendo’s tech? Some of the best Wii games (NSMBW) are the ones that use the least amount of motion controls for gameplay. What did you do in NSMBW besides fly with the copter suit and pick up objects? Nothing else. It’s completely minimal. Brawl uses NO motion controls and people couldn’t be happier. Skyward Sword was crammed with motion plus gimmicks and only the nintards can stomach it.

Resident Evil does not need tech gimmicks. Why do I need to look away from the screen to check my map? Why not minimize it on screen and put it in the corner, enlarging it only when I pause the game? That’s not an obsolete feature at all and has been more convenient than anything else. That way I don’t have to take my eyes off the action just to check where I have to go next, just a quick glance at the corner and then back in gear. It’s an unnecessary change.

Not to mention the game itself looks…. stupid. Where are the ZOMBIES!? Why are you fighting mutants lab freaks!?