Archive for January, 2017


I’m sure everyone stopped caring by now, but hell with it.

ARMS

[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k7s3UB_8dFM]

ITS ARMS! Sonics new best buddy! A magical Kitsune!… Sorry

Well, they spent a lot of time coming up with that title. Is it disturbing watching a grown man beat up a little school girl? 

So, after something as dark and as edgy like Killer fucking Instinct, and something as crazy and as addictive as Super Smash Bros., Nintendo’s next big fighting game features boxers with confetti limbs. Goddamn this game looks stupid with a longer trailer.

I’m calling it right now that this game will get shat on by the time it hits shelves. Mainly due to controls and general gameplay. The controls themselves would be better suited for a regular boxing game/Punch Out, but here you have to deal with astonishingly bad recovery times. The nature of having to literally stretch the character’s arms to try and hit the opponent is going to be frustrating. The attacks themselves look slow and easy to avoid. The only means of ensuring a hit is by curving your punches, which I’m sure is something people will just remember to do. Right. They have arenas with obstructions that will no doubt make it more frustrating to play in. Players could more easily take cover or be flanked more often. There’s only one character I see people using often because she makes sense in a game like this.

Guns bitches!

There’s a whole lot of motion based button presses and I can’t help but feel some motions will get in the way of each other. Like the part where the girl dodges an attack, the motion might get interpreted as a block. It honestly would’ve been better (but more expensive) to have sensors on the person’s legs to control that kind of movement. The blocking motion doesn’t even make sense. Wouldn’t it be more sensible to cross your arms!? Instead of just tilting the shits toward each other so you can forget how to block, period?

and the actual fighting looks slow & boring. It’s 2 people whiffing punches while jumping all over the place. Barely hitting anything but air.

Character design isn’t bad for the most part, except for that purple monkey fuck.

If anything, it shows that Nintendo acknowledges in some retrospect that the Wiimote kicked ass and made a spiritual successor. Albeit one with a shitty design and no DPad, but a successor no less. And no strings attached (hahaha). Still, that 1-2 Draw mess may be a better demonstration of Joycon motion controls than ARMS. I’m willing to bet everyone will hate this game.

Also calling it. Little Mac as an unlockable/DLC.

He was trying to get some. You know it.

Super Bomberman R

Aww hell yeah!

Bomberman is back bitches! I don’t think I should trust Konami at this point, they might pull some shit like no local multiplayer, cause the industry is a fuckjob like that.

But it’s sad. This is… the only game I’d look forward to on the Stitch. It’s what we should’ve gotten back on the Wii. Coop Bomberman like back in the day!? It‘s beautiful. I’ve been missing Bomberman for the last 2 generations so I’m probably not in the right mind to judge.

I Could bitch about the Art style, but why bother? The trailer gives me nothing to bitch at! This… is what I want from a Bomberman game. I did catch a puzzle with some staircase, and the voice acting does seem off (helium voice ftw) but I can’t hate on this. It’s morally conflicting because… Konami. Those tyrannical sons of bitches the gaming community at large would protest. What happened to the “Mobile Market Only” plans?

Overall

I think it’s safe to say that despite my criticisms, this does infact look better than the Pii U. Even the 3D Mario looks better. But what Nintendo needs to do is find a better design philosophy. Stop designing games explicitly around intricate controls. Perhaps that’s easier than making a legitimately good game? Pii U’s whole library doesn’t fill me with a lot of hope.

Zelda looks dumb, Xenoblade gets raped to crumbs, not a good start for your game line up. And the pandering to Otakus is a big ass red flag to me. How many JRPGS were announced on this thing?

And I still haven’t gotten over the controller design. The lack of D-Pad infuriates me to no end. And the shit is so small, I know my long ass fingers would cramp holding them shits. Also, from what i’ve read, the docking station is… empty. It adds no power or anything. Everything is in that screen. So it’s a console with battery life? Da fuq?

The Stitch is… weird. Looks better than Pii U even with it’s lousy launch titles, but still worse than previous consoles. Lets just hope Nintendo took that asswhoopin from last generation as a sign to get their heads out of their asses. Start listening to customers and stop making half assed cash ins like NSMBU. I know, miracles aren’t real.

I’m certain the Stitch will sell well at launch, and that will make the fanboys cum their pants at the thought of rubbing it in everyone’s face (cause everything’s a compensation opportunity for them) but it’s the long run I’m concerned about. Nintendo doesn’t know how to maintain interest in their console and that causes everyone to jump ship.

But… we’ll see when it drops on March 3rd.

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Because Spengebab wouldn’t stop begging. πŸ˜› And Inquisition was good for something. 

Ooook. I was on the fence about this game for ages. But after a little prodding, I said fuck it. It can’t be that much worse than Triple Deluxe. Cause… damn, I could never play that game again. It was a glorified tech demo to show the “value” of the 3DS’ s capabilities. Forced exploration for the sake of puzzle solving just ruined the experience. And by the balls of Ra, that final boss was the biggest handful of suck ass to grace not only Kirby, but video games itself. Having to strain your goddamn arms just to aim a cannon is so unlike Nintendo. They’re not known for uncomfortable control schemes… until the Wii.

So I had good reason to be hesitant in buying Robobot. Nintendo rarely improves in most of their sequels. I was convinced that was forever dead from that point onward as now it joined Mario, Zelda, Yoshi, and even Star Fox in Nintendo’s “Puzzle Fetch” series.

And i’ve never been happier to be… kinda… wrong. Robobot is… actually pretty fun!

Mind you, it still has the same forced puzzle fetch problems that Nintendo forced into the series, but it feels less frequent or intrusive… you dont feel it gets in the way as much. If there’s one thing Robobot does well, its compensating for its bullshit. 

So I start this bitch off in a tutorial level… I guess I can skip that.

level 2 begins not so differently from the first as I make my way to a miniboss. I kick his ass and jack his robot.

And its FUCKIN AWESOME!!!

This shit has its own copy abilities!!! It messed me up! I was losing my damn mind, everytime I found another enemy with a copy power, I just kept tryin em on like a dressing room addict! It was like having 2 different sets of copy abilities. Even better, the robot wasn’t… always… a crutch in getting through levels. Even moar better, it gives way to piss easy schmup levels. 

It’s like playing MMX3 without the tedious chip requirements or sluggish mech controls!

Either that or I just really miss Rick, Coo, and Kine.

So I continue onward, salivating at the wonderful possibilities of the mech… but as level 3 would show me, Nintendo only invents new gameplay for the sake of puzzles.

Behold this son of a bitch! Prior to this fight fight, you have to deal with 2 minions. The key to killing them was jumping on their heads and unscrewing them by rotating the circle/D-pad. Now… I played this level again and found I could kill the 2 fucks the “normal” way via asskickulation. But when I get to papabot and find the only way to kill him is by unscrewing it’s hands and head… I lost my shit.

I was like “NOOOOOO NINTENDO YOU SON’S OF BITCHES! I KNEW YOU COULDN’T BE TRUSTED WITH RATIONAL GAME DESIGN! AND NOW YOU SHOVE MULTI-TASKING BOSSES INTO KIRBY!? PUZZLES AND FETCH QUEST WEREN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU TYRANNICAL BASTARDS!? RUINED! RUINED I SAY!!”

And then… nothing! I’m starting world 6 and I have not had to deal with a multi-tasker since 1-3. So what the hell was the point of that boss? It’s like midway through development, the folks at Big N were like:

The Kirby mech shall be used as a means of defeating bosses in super specific ways in order to express the intricate mechanics of the mechs tools rather than focus on senseless violence of giving it weapons! Hahahahahahah….

But what if the weapons were an extension of Kirby’s own powers? It would be cuter that way!

I CHOOSE… CUTENESS!!!

Someone shoot me the next time I do this. Fuck, I lost track of what I was talking about…

EMBRACE ME! AS YOUR KING AND AS YOUR GOD!

Anywho, by now I’m in world 2 and I pretty much experienced the 3 new powers plus 2 (useless) returning  powers from superstar. Mirror and Jet. Mirror got some improvements while Jet remains shit. The new powers are Doctor (its as lame as you can guess), poison which is a rehashed/nerfed water power from RTDL, and ESP which is a lousy Ness reference, and overpowered as shit. Take that baby into a boss fight and you’ll be beating wholesale ass with all your health intact.

That’s the best they could come up with? 1 ability is recycled content and the other 2 fellates Nintendo itself, and not in a good way. Its not really cool when Kirby powers start turning into petty easter eggs. But that’s a personal thing, the game isn’t worse for it.

By the time I hit world 3, I had forgotten the story. Some big crab warship is invading… and your job is to stop the invaders. ……Meh, it’s kirby.

Still, it didn’t stop them from trying to make something coherent. The robo bitch we see above is a secretary working for some Robotnik looking corporate bastard. 

“Susie” (really creative name, jackasses) plays the role of Saturday morning villain and has all the personality of a rice cake. When you first meet her, she sounds like a typical imperial bastard looking to steal resources while criticizing the denizens of pop star for taking them for granted… cause..  you know, we know how pop…starian(?) culture works. Then every subsequent meeting is “you’re strong, but I got a new monster who’ll beat you!” It’s odd how a game that is, and I use the term lightly, innovative in it’s gameplay can feel so creatively bankrupt in it’s content. Yeah I know its Nintendo and they couldn’t 2 shits about content, but even the narrative stopped caring.

By World 4, unfortunately, I start to get bored. I’ve when talking about Sly Cooper years back when a game starts to feel routine, and its all due to the fetch quests.

Similar to Turd Deluxe, each level has 3 trinkets you need to find before you can ever fight the bosses. The number of “code cubes” you need increases per world. This makes any Kirby game less fun. The joy of Kirby was being able to go through levels with your preferred powers. But with an objective like this, you don’t get that option. The majority of cubes require specific powers in order to solve the little bullshit ass puzzles that block access to the cubes. You spend most levels just keeping an eye out, lookin for shit. Even the mech becomes less about wanton destruction and more about solving puzzles. What happens is that very appeal of Kirby (to me), the gaining of new powers, experimenting with them and ultimately sticking to the ones you like, is a freedom revoked by the game necessitating that you dump your current power in favor of looking for code cubes. It’s not as bad as in TD, but it’s still here, and it’s problematic

I think what’s most insulting is that… there isn’t even a reason for this! There’s nothing in any of the cutscenes that even remotely implied that Haltmann or w/e the hell his name is… took the precautions necessary to prevent infiltration of any kind. These firewalls came out of nowhere and these code cubes randomly appear for you to find. whats more, if you play each stage without lookin for shit, they are extremely short. So all I can assume is padding. Deliberately so as many of these cubes aren’t even difficult to find or get. And it’s this brand of nonsense that gets old real fast.

Shit, some of them even give you solutions to puzzles on the get go!

You also have the option of putting… stickers on your mech… because ofcourse youre gonna use that!

Getting away from the main game, you have 2 side games that will be forgotten after playing them once.

3D Rumble (Oh Amma) is what would happen if kirby was raped by Nintendo’s 3D obsession. Just look at that ass backwards control scheme! The objective of all 3 levels is to in an arena  and kil all enemies that spawn. Aiming is painful at best. Its quite boring, to be honest. 

Then is Kirby Clash which is what happens when Nintendo feeds into the industry’s RPG obsession. You have 4… “classes”

All of which are copy abilities in the main game! This probably would’ve been an alright side game if it wasn’t a boss rush. Still, its not a huge waste of cartridge space. And I quite like the Mage hat .

By the end of the game, you’ll start realizing that Robobot may as well be fanservice or self-fellatio for Kirby Super Star. Everything from the returning powers to some remixes, to the Halberd which only ever appeared in super Star, and the final boss being the face… clock from Milkyway Wishes. Not to mention the Meta Knightmare side game title was designed ever so closely resembling another Super star game.

*sigh* Look, Super Star isn’t bad, but this is just silly. You have a remake on the DS, you have it rereleased for the Kirby Dream Collection on the Wii, you don’t need these references. You can’t get nostalgic for a game you have readily available access to. It’s why Sega reusing Sonic tropes like Green Hill is more insulting than it is fanservice. And all for a game that feels like a bunch of rejected ideas got crammed into one cartridge. 

After a while, it starts getting annoying. You think the stickers would be enough of an easter egg generator. How many cameos do you have to burn through before the creators start seeming full of themselves? 

There’s also this bit of fuckery. These 3 games are available on Turd Delux. And now they want you to pay for them all separately!?

But w/e.  Planet Robobot is.. a baby step in the right direction. Its got better music, the mech is fun and interesting to use, there’s no real gyro BS like in TD, the worlds are more imagin-, I can’t even lie like that. And the final boss is a decent Star Fox knock off. But the stubborn reliance on fetch quests and puzzles really drags the game down, and that seriously needs to change now. 

So if anything… yeah… I like it alright, all things considered. 

I am now Kenshi of Mortal Kombat. 

And wow, 4 Dragon Quest games announced? Desperate much? What does Nintendo love so much about Dragon Quest!?

MASTADON!

PTERODACTYL!

TRICERATOPS!

SABRETOOTH TIGER!

TYRANNOSAURUS!

Ahem..

So yeah. Thanks for a trailer that gives us… oh what was it, random karate man?

HAH! I recall mentioning some years back about how to make Fire Emblem better was by turning it into a Warriors game… and here it is! And I couldn’t give 2 shits!

I’ve only played and beaten 2 Fire Emblem games and the only characters I’d care about are Ike and Lyn. Fire Emblem sadly only became a success by pandering to otakus, it seems to be the only way to make money in Japan now. That and mobile shit. And knowing Nintendo,  they’ll force some mixture of gameplay from FE into a Warriors environment. But here it might fit.

The whole weapon “Rock Paper scissors” thing that was in DW8 could be translated here to fit the whold “Sword> Axe> Spear” strategy of the series. Course that wouldn’t matter much so long as the player knows when to attack. Cause it’s not turn based so they have a chance to win those fights.

Otherwise, I couldn’t care. After the last Warriors game, im wary of Nintendo’s offerings in this matter.

And one of their last trailers is a montage…. and the only thing good about it is dat sexy jazz tune! Goddamn!

Or to put it bluntly, all the shit Nintendo could care less about. This is beyond terrible. We get no names, we get no dates, we get no satisfaction. And most of the footage is displayed via P.I.P. BS to show off the screen’s oh so unique feature… or conveniently hide all the games Nintendo lacks interest in… in plain sight. And how cheap are these assholes? They use still images for showing off the screen. The hands don’t even move. 

But w/e, I guess Nintendo wants to make a guessing game out of their teasers… so lets indulge them.

Oh look, Dragon Quest.

Hahaha, fo real? Is there any reason to rerelease a game that didn’t sell?

Or did Nintendo become so enthralled with the Murfy assist feature that they wish to promote it’s “creative puzzles“? No one bought this game on 3 separate consoles, no one is buying it on Switch. Ubisoft, what are you doin?

I don’t even know. Looks like Luigi’s Mansion in 2D or some shit.

What… the… fuuuuu…

I’m assuming its a Monster Hunter game… for some reason.

Style screams Koei. Might be Samurai Warriors given the resemblance to Nobunaga. 

Street Fighter 2 HD Remix, because David Sirlin’s massive ego demands it. Or because Capcom is… mildly broke?

OMG BOMBERMAN!!! I thought the whores at Konami killed everything Hudson! 

Oh shit, im more overjoyed than I should be!

It’s probably an indie game πŸ˜›

Is this that 1-2 Draw game? That’s literally all you do? What a waste of money, you’re better off playing that quick draw minigame in Kirby Super Star.

Tetris. Yay?

Huh… a different interpretation of black folks, something outside the regular stereotypes perhaps? 

I’m just getting that out before the inevitable “HE’S NOT BLACK” debaters come out of the wood work. Still ironic how they can claim anime characters arewhite half the time… but that’s another issue altogether. 

So…what, is he supposed to be a ninja or something? 

Nope, that’s not F-Zero. Unfortunately

Its FAST Racing League. In the second shot, I could see orbs being collected. Orbs giving you boost power. And I think I saw the car change color in the first shot… or those were shade from the mountain. I would be hysterical otherwise. ..or not. It’s been far too long for me or anyone to get ecxited for a GX sequel. And seeing that Nintendo going full ret… Otaku with F-Zero being more Western ifluenced than they could care, and them putting F-Zero elements in Mario Kart 8, I doubt F-Zero would see the light of  again. And no, it’s not because of poor sales. Otherwise Pikmin would’ve died on the GameCube. Otherwise they wouldn’t promote Dragon Quest so damn much. Otherwise they would’ve buried Fire Emblem a long time ago. 

F-Zero is just too American for them. Only reason we got a new Star Fox was because a Japanese developer wanted to make it, which is some bullshit. 

Dhalsim Fighter!

Hot damn this game looks stupid. And fun! What is the deal!?

I suppose Nintendo fans should get used to 3D Arena fighting games. Without a D-Pad worth one’s nut sack, this is the most you can expect on Switch. Better hope for an Ergheiz sequel (hahaha)

Everything else is either sports or ports of old shit. But like I said, this is a pathetic excuse of a montage Trailer. they don’t even tell you what the games are, they shove them into footage and pass it off like it means shit. 

No Nintendo, this isn’t going to cut it. It’s a lazy trailer. None of the new games you showed gives us anything to speculate. How the fuck do you expect anyone to be interested in your library of games if you don’t fucking show enough of them? Is it a lack of confidence in them selling or a lack of care because most of them are not “surprising” Nintendo brand games, and this is all just an obligatory venture? 

You can’t afford to be apathetic. Orhell, maybe you could, but when developers put games on your console, they’re displaying confidence and trust on your platform to deliver the audience necessary to bring in profits. And considering your choice of video games to design, yea, you kinda need that confidence and trust! Not just from them, but also your customers. The situation with the Wii U ending production is similar to the Sega Saturn, where consumers lost all confidence and trust enough to avoid Dreamcast.

These least you could do is provide names for these titles, because everyone of them goes by so fucking fast that you can’t even focus or zero in on w/e might interest you. And then these fuckjobs put it them on a smaller screen so you can’t even tell what’s going on!

How the hell am I supposed to know what this is at that resolution!?

I know I seem overly critical, maybe these 3rd parties don’t have enough footage for them to show or they couldn’t fit enough in such a small trailer. Would be fair points if not for the fact that some of these games (Mario Odyssy, Xenoblade, old ass Skyrim) already have full fucking trailers, and they STILL SHOW MORE OF THOSE GAMES THAN THE ONES THAT DON’T!!! We know a Mario Kart is coming, that didn’t need to be in the trailer. And even if the devs didn’t have the extra footage to spare, they should have fucking names! There’s no excuse for the omission! 

Ugh… I’m gonna go look for that song now.

(To be continued.)

Thanx for the heads up Mack.

March 3rd

By the tits of my ancestors, it’s releasing that early!? I would’ve figured it’d be an end of the month deal. I’m not gonna comment about the price.

Free online for half a year!? What kind of shit is that!? Why do I care!? …Well… It feels like some cheap ploy to get people to buy the console early instead of waiting for a price drop down the line, which seems to imply that Nintendo will become a rat bastard of a company in the years to come, inventing schemes for ensuring initial purchases. Nintendo online has always been shitty and now they want to charge money for it. Damn you HD!!! Even worse, it will cost money (in the future) to use Nintendo’s online service as well as transferring VC purchases over to the Switch. These notorious mother fuckers

Before I move on from the knowledge of Nintendo stretching their influence into EA territory..

Gamepad has a touch screen, a gyroscope and “advanced HD rumble”, each Joycon has their own L and R buttons plus L/R3 (control stick button) and there’ll be a wrist strap peripheral thing you clamp on to round off the top and make the L and R buttons bigger.

Wow, another damn touch screen!? Again, what are the benefits of touch screen controls!? Menu navigation!? Typing in names and shit!? Puzzle games oh of course puzzles that’s Nintendo’s friggin namesake. Why not just bring back the Wiimote, improve that shit, and make some truly awesome games wit it!? Fuck this touchscreen obsession, I swear. 

Oh and they have that retarded “press-in” control sticks like Sony so I can mess those tiny ass sticks up. They always felt like you could break them shits easily, and knowing Nintendo, they’ll design games forcing you to use every single button, so unlike PS3, I can’t avoid pressing these things in. 

And rounding off the shoulders? they wouldn’t need those jock straps if the controllers weren’t of shit design. Prolly made them that way on purpose just to get more money. And obviously the pro controller would be sold separately. 

All this money you gotta piss away just for a few games, hell. I really don’t like the direction Nintendo is heading into. After the amiibo scams, I just knew that Nintendo would turn into a bunch of suits, it always seems to happen when a big company loses big money. They start fucking you in the ass with all these little schemes, look at this shit! You can’t tell me that this whole “6 months of free online” isn’t their little deterrent to waiting for a price drop. And a strap-on bitch attachment that’s announced prior to the launch of the console screams intentional design flaw for more money. I can’t see that any other way…. unless it comes with the console, I’ll keep bitching about it.

All dat fo 300 bucks!?

Getting away from the schemes, there are 3 trailers I wanted to go through and… possibly shit on, you know it.

Huh… Mario’s in the real world! 

About damn time he got out of that gay ass Mushroom Kingdom! Finally, worlds that don’t look like ass again! Finally giving us new worlds that aren’t recycled content…. actually, now that I think about it… it kinda looks like a Sonic game.

Take your pick. Station Square, City Escape, 80’s Boulevard from Zero Gravity, Empire City, y’all can’t tell me this didn’t scream Sega. Damn, it’s like Sega and Nintendo said “lets see what it’s like to be in your shoes!” 

SAMBA DE JANE!! Now they want that Amigo cred.

I’m getting a Planet Wisp vibe, or perhaps one of those cunt levels from Lost Mind.

I can just imagine Malstrom jackin off to white rabbits because “Alice in Wonderland!”. And there are Robot watering pots and sentient flower pots. 

Now that’s the shit I’m talking about! This looks like a Mario game worth playing! Get out of that kiddy ass Mushroom Kingdom and into the real shit! I can’t believe how much better this game looks than all the BS they put out in the last 3 console generations, goddamn. 

And now Mario wants to be Michael Jackson and toss his hat around. That was already lame before we saw that it’s a more quote “surprising” way of doing a double jump… without the double jump. That is shaping up to be some tedious platforming. Super tricky jumps in an area where the penalty is just having to jump back to a “jumping position” and do it all over again. 

Oh the little piece of fabric is alive now cause I needed a reminder that Minish Cap was ever greenlit. 

I can always count on Nintendo for 1 thing. If they ever make a game with interesting content, they’ll poop on your chest with boring or tedious gameplay. Maybe it’s supposition or paranoia, but i’ve seen enough of Nintendo’s bullshit that half the time, it becomes obvious what they will do when the game comes out.

Story looks to be regurgitated ass, and I’m frightened that Peach thinks Bowser throwing a hat at Mario poses any real danger. Can we get the actress from 64 back, please? I can’t stand high pitched bitches…

And the soundtrack is still whimsical nonsense? 

Other than that, it certainly looks better than the last 3 generations of Mario games. Hell, it piqued my interest! But if Sonic Mania has taught me anything, I shouldn’t hold my breath. Speaking of which…

….>_>

This is the most polarizing Zelda trailer i’ve ever watched. On one hand, its a real trailer unlike the BS they were showing before that gives us insight into what the game is about. And it looks cool in some areas.

Dem lovely areas. On the other hand, there’s this.

You put this shit in the trailer? Really? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Who wants to see people crying in a trailer? She’s probably thinking “I dont wanna be in this shitty game, I wannabe in a twilight princess sequel!”
By the balls of Ra, it’s so off-putting. Whatever appeal this game had was eroded with that noise. Idk, maybe its for pervy old Japanese men who get their jollies from teenage girls when they show vulnerability, sick fucks. It was really bad, even when they’re trying to show how bad ass they can be, they fuck that up. Y’all should’ve seen the look on my sister’s face when that shit happened! This trailer shouldn’t feel awkward to watch, convince me this game isn’t a spectacular waste of time and money. Instead it goes all… that on us.

Oh look, they brought these turds back. Does anyone actually like the Goron race? They’re the most boring, uninspired pieces of shit to be conceptualized…. then i’d be giving all the other Zelda races too much credit.

So… the Zora are red now?

The Rito are coming back? If so, praise Amma they made their faces better.

Oh now they bring the Gerudo back! The lack of Nabooru in Hyrule Warriors had me a tad concerned. Now we just need Kokiri…

This art style is dreadful, btw. That comes as no surprise seeing how Skyward Sword was allowed to be praised, but damn, it is horrendous

Look how ssssssshhhhhitty their faces are, they look like freakish glass dolls with big fuckin eyes! And… I am sure this is late in asking… but where is the goddamn tunic!?

This is still Zelda, right? That’s kind of an iconic look you’re ditching, it’s bad enough the characters look like if HR Geagor became an otaku. “Bbbbbut they want to be different, it‘s a completely different game from previous entries!” Even though they bring back the same fickin races from OoT (yes I know the Zora came before) and what with the voice acting that no one should gives a shit about, open world nonsense yadda yadda, ditching all familiar elements just to be different is pushing it. And I have… suspicions of the tunic being DLC. Hell, would you trust Nintendo at this point?

*sigh* it’s a decent trailer… for once, but from what we already know about it, it might as well be false advertising. And a magnet… a fucking magnet

Can you make items with actual combat purposes again and not some contrived bullshit tied down to puzzle solving?  Ofcourse not, that’s all you old people know how to make is some egocentric puzzles to show how clever you all are, you ruined Kirby with your vanity oh im rambling again

OH DEAR LORD THEY’VE RUINED XENOBLADE!

Holy Animu shitshow, what have they done to you!? You know, I honestly enjoyed the original Xenoblade… to some extent, it didn’t look or feel like some otaku ass cheese until Fiona became a robot. It was a looong ass game too. It also didn’t have an art style pandering to the “omg Kawaii” faggots that pervert video games with their dreaded waifu disease! What is that shit the main character is wearing!?

Hahaha, easy access pants so he can get ass fucked without the hassle of pulling down his trousers. And why are his pants so baggy!? Probably some cowboy stunt for when he gets back to The strip club for pedophiles.

The only time people ever put credits in a trailer is to increase appeal, cause if some cocksuckers who just happened to work on some shit that got real popular,  the mere mention of said dyke is bound to attract people. But no one in the west knows who this asshole is and we’re supposed to think he’s awesome!?

I mean fo real!? You think you have all the artistic merit in the world to elevate yourself over this shit!?

How hard is it to replicate this style!? Look at this bitch face, there’s nothing complex about it! The retards on deviantart could do a helluva lot better than this! Dragons Crown, I could see the dick strokes being warranted. The large majority of Castlevania artwork, I could see the dick strokes being warranted. But who in the hell are you trying convince with this Arcana Heart/Haruhi lookin bullshit here!? And you got the main character lookin like someone’s hoe.

And its a huge downgrade from Xenoblade 1’s art. 

Who would be tasteless enough to choose the second shit!? Game is a fuck job right out the gate.

I can’t believe the Mario game looks better than Xenoblade at this point. Hell, even that batshit artstyle in Breath of the Wild looks better than the half baked generic nonsense in Xenoblade 2. 

And how about giving us an actual english trailer? Giving us a Japanese voice track with random fucking lines doesn’t make your shit deep. Or wait until you get your fingers out of your asses and give us some idea of what the game is about, then spout yo random ass lines. Learn to market these fucking games, Nintendo. 

“I love this world because you’re in it”!? Who says shit like that!? A waifu cunt whore who doesn’t have good sense. Fuck, that’s awful writing, even for a game that panders to otakus.

Brb, I am going to stab my eyeballs now. XC2’s art is that bad.

(To be continued)

Oh look! A scarf! Surely he is more adventurous… gah, that statement writes itself…

I originally started this post way back in April of last year, but as that month was practically financial turmoil for me, I had abandoned it for priorities. Then I forgot the damn thing existed. πŸ˜› So I figured that now, I could go ahead and finish it and get it out of the way. Better late than never, right?

*sigh* Sometimes I wonder if I’m just getting old, or perhaps videogames are getting worse and worse as the years go by. Or Nintendo enjoys slurping my tears of pain. My sweet, delicious tears
I was ecstatic when it was announced that Hyrule Warriors would be ported to the 3DS, so I’m like “Hell yeah! Let the good times roll!” I was just imagining it. Dynasty Warriors and Zelda, the best sex videogames could ever have. Such a perfect fit too!

Medieval fantasy meets ass blasting fields of dozens of chumps in the blink of an eye!? What could go wrong!? Besides bad sales… >_>

Well… somehow, Nintendo or Koei managed to fuck this up anyway. 

HWL is a mess, and before anyone declares this as a fault of the hardware, I assure you,  this isn’t my beef with the game. Sure its a part of the problem, but the game is at least playable. It just sucks ass!

1 issue I do have with the technical problems  the whole “pop in” nonsense. In the Dynasty Warriors “Gundam”   games, oftentimes,  you are required to enter specific areas that are covered in red. These being enemy held territory. In them, you fuck up every enemy inside to conquer that area. That element returns in HWL.

Nothing wrong with that. Simple right? Well that’s where the whole pop in shit comes in. Not a major problem, but usually in the gundam games, I abuse super moves to clear out the enemy areas real fast, so habitually,  I do the same thing here. But instead of clearing out areas fast, I find mo bitches appearing out of thin air! Because in order for the game to (fail to) run at a decent speed, you can’t have too many assholes on screen at once. So I feel like I’m wasting super moves on just a handful of chumps. Again, not a big deal, but I HATE DAT SHIT! !!

Now onto what really makes my piss boil. Content isn’t so much lacking as it is desperate. The story revolves around Zelda having nightmares of Hyrule getting raped by evil (because its Hyrule). She wakes up the next morning and talks to impa about the great hero who will save the world or some shit. And of course Zelda just looks out the window and BOOM! There he is beating wholesale ass on Hyrule’s army and awww shit, they changed his voice actor again!?

Ok, I find it just a bit odd that Nintendo won’t keep a VA around long enough for more than 2-3 games. Japan doesn’t just up and switch Voices on a whim. Hell, Goku still sounds like a crazy granny after 30 years. Even Sonikku is the same douche from way back in Sonic Adventure 1! Nintendo, however, probably in the spirit of being different,  has this thing about changing Link’s voice after about 2 games (3 if you include Smash Bros). And this new guy is some ass.

Anywho, as soon as she sees Link, the Castle comes under attack. Almost on Que. Then the game spends the first 3 levels on tutorial bullshit, because mashing the Y button and moderately mashing X wont be all you need. In addition to the asswhoopins, you will need to activate bird statues (that bullshit from Majora’s Mask) just so you can warp across long distances, activate fairy fountains for storyline ex-machina, and collect items!?

The items are the only things that’s new in this Warriors and quite frankly, they couldn’t be more useless outside of certain enemies. Bombs can at least blow up rocks to reveal hidden items and the flute can warp you across the map, but every other item seems only useful for Certain bosses. What kind of bosses? Rehashed bastids from the series. Oh don’t get me wrong.  That’s cool. Fighting at least 5 big bads from the series history is cool… until you learn how to kill them. Dodongos require bombs to be tossed into their mouths,  gohma require arrows shot into their eyes, plant… things need boomerang, Aragos needs hookshot, yadda yadda. You gotta wait until said assholes do a certain move before using the items to expose their weaknesses and then you get to fuck em up. Briefly, then they recover and you gotta repeat the process.

 Now, considering that Warriors games typically have you running around a large map completing objectives, and seeing that the majority of objectives are timed in this game, these bosses are a pain in the ass! They take far too long to kill and end up being the reason you could fail certain objectives. I recall the Twilinght Zone with that fffffffffffffffucking Aragon boss! What genius at a table came up with the bright idea to have you run across a map to find some random fairy fountain or w/e just so you can knock down the bastard to keep him from carpet bombing the shit out of your troops… then rush all the way back just to kill him!?

That’s boring and tedious. Having to do the same strategies over and over with a different item involved gets old quickly. Lets be thankful that items aren’t character exclusive.

Speaking of which, the roster of chumps you get to choose from are pretty bad. Half the roster comes directly from OoT. I get it fanboys. You have bad taste. The few assholes we do get from other games range from the reasonable to the retarded. Midna comes in 2 flavors. That gremlin shit with Wolf Link in tow, or that sweet sweet belly dancer ass. Zant is there as well and fuck is he overpowered! Then… for some reason, they put in that dyke Agatha. You know, that random bitch who you give glow bugs to as part of a sidequest. Who the fuck wanted her as a playable character!? Then ofcourse these cunt ass designers put in Skyward bore characters Fi and Ghirahim. One is a robotic irritant, the other is a drag queen.

Then you’ve got the 5 new characters in this version of the game. Skull Kid, cause a bunch of hipster cunts wanna pretend Majora’s Mask was any good. Then you got 3 shitty Wind Waker characters. King of the Red Lions, fuck that fat piece of shit. Could’ve put in Medli oh wait she’s DLC, sons of bitches. Lastly you have Linkle (Linkette would’ve been better, retard ass Nintendo and their retard ass naming conventions, a Kindergartner could’ve put up a better name than these old ass mother fuckers!). Despite being some political bargaining chip for feminist dikes, hell… she’s actually pretty good! And iIRC, she still became the center of controversy… cause the bitch used crossbows!? Am I getting that right!? It’s hilarious that Nintendo gets criticized only by feminists and fags nowadays. And sadly they cave into their demands oh that’s some shit for another time.

You know what I did notice? There’s not a single character from the 2D games! Where’s Din!? Nayru!? Vaati!? Onyx!? Agahim!? Veran!? Marin oh she’s DLC too, sons of bitches. This blatant favoritism towards the 3D titles is beyond irritating at this point. Now that I think about it, where the hell is Nabooru!? 

The actual new characters came out of some batshit anime with the exception of the Wizrobe. Volga is a bad ass that needs to be imported to the main series, but Aonuma is too “surprising” to be cool. And you’ve got twins, Lans and Cia. One is some blue haired cheerful magic bitch you’d find in the latest JRPG, and the other is a big tittied sistah with a raging hard-on for Link. Just damn! Seems like every game, Link is some sort of pimp with a secret admirer vying for the magic rod. Even when his balls haven’t dropped yet!

Lucky bastard

Anywho, the narrative they have for this game is terribly negligible, though a step up from the standard fare of “chosen hero” bullshit that Nintendo jacks off too. The twins are apparently 2 halves of the same person. But the darker half wanted some dick and figured if she can’t get any, she’ll make everyone’s life a living hell. Women, am I rite!? πŸ˜› 

Fuckin wit y’all. 

So she makes a deal with Ganon to gain super powers, enslaves Volga and Wizrobe, and influences Zant and Ghirahim to help her out. Course, after she gets her ass kicked, Ganon breaks out of his cell… box, and he tries to take over the world… before getting his ass kicked. The end!

I know it’s asking too much for a game like this to have a better narrative. .. so I didn’t. πŸ˜›

The stages are all nicely done renditions of Zelda landmarks, I must admit… and yes, even Skyloft. Not thrilled that most areas on a given map are inaccessible without certain conditions being met or become locked off as you progress through a given mission. And often there’s at least one boss or 2 that makes a stage longer. It’s a lot easier to fail missions in this game than any other warriors title as its never readily apparent what in the fresh hell you’re supposed to be doing half the time.

Take this for instance.

Take a good look at that map. My objective at the very beginning is to rendezvous with the Hylian Captain, which is a  blue circle at the top left corner. Problem is when I get up there, the damn door is locked! The only other paths to take are those one-way paths you see  arrows on the map, meaning they’re off limits too. The last option being another locked door. And everytime I get to either of these doors, I get no prompts signaling that some shit is fucked up. And the amount of time you have to get the captain is sadistically short.

Fine! Run away like a bitch, I don’t give a fuck!

I think you’re supposed to bomb a wall, but eh. It’s just a Nintendo trope of shoehorning tutorials in the middle of the action.

Gameplay wise, it’s kind of a mess. They tried so hard to mesh Zelda gameplay tropes into Dynasty Warriors and it just doesn’t work. If this were just a normal Warriors game, it’d be fine, but shit like the moment I pointed out, and those tediouus fucking bosses, just drags the game down immensely. 

But none of this compares to ultimate form of bullshit that is Adventure Mode!

Oh dear lord, whoever designed this mode needs to be stabbed in the balls with a super heated machete. See here’s the deal. I wanted to unlock belly dancer Midna.

Ain’t she fine!? 

Ahem… the only way to unlock her was to go to Adventure Mode and experience the most tedious adventure of all time! Get this. In order to move across any space you see in the little screen cap up there, you have to obtain a certain ranking from the mission you’re on.

Not only do rankings determine your path, but they also determine what rewards you get. So an A rank could get you a new weapon or a character. Simple, right? Well you don’t know the Japanese. 

Adventure Mode also has this “search” feature where you can use special item cards to uncover hidden secrets… or in this case create another hoop to jump through.

All of these cards can effect different parts of the map, but you’re supposed to guess which card will effect what. Like say a candle can burn a bush or the flute can manipulate butterflies. >_>

You don’t know what part of the map holds a secret (using a compass reveals it though) and whats worse is that you have limited cards. Getting more cards requires that you go through missions and obtain different rankings so long as that mission rewards you with that item. You only get 1 item card per mission so you’ll need to take note of which missions hold which items. Now look back up & check the cap that says “requires search”. That bar displays the rewards you get per ranking, but if you get something like that, then simply doing the mission and achieving the ranking will not get you the reward! Instead, you have to use the search function and guess the item card you need to get that reward. Then you play the mission, get the A rank and the prize. This also goes for different paths to alternate areas.

If any of y’all read this and thought “Nintendo can lick my hairy ass” then congrats,  you’re thinking like a customer rather than a gamer. But since these whores have all but disabled Gameshark, I had to force myself to unlock her the hard way.

So here’s how it went. I grind Impa to hax levels and rape most missions, but as soon as I get on Midna’s trail, I start needing several cards. so I find myself going back to the previous missions over and over just to farm cards, and the closer I get, im hitting areas that have MULTIPLE SECRETS!!! Never has my piss boiled to such a degree! So now I have to pick not only a card that works, but also a card that takes me where I want to go! I get to where  wanna be, I backtrack multiple times just to get the same damn cards, but eventually. .. I get Midna as you can see. And she’s. ..kinda worth it?

This game’s adventure mode is bar none the most retarded fucking mode ever created. It’s far too demanding of the player to get high rankings and item cards just to access new areas and unlock the ability, NOT the actual reward, but the ability to gain rewards! I ask you (asia_catalogue), why do Japanese developers make retarded ass decisions like this!? It’s illogical, tedious, and beyond anyone’s threshold for frustration. Does Nintendo not understand that people don’t like doing work in video games!?

Hyrule Warriors is some shit. This hurts the most to say, as I personally felt that this game could’ve been something truly worth getting a Pii U for. And as a fan of the Warriors games, this is a fucking disgrace. I couldn’t recommend it to anyone, least of all Nintard at work. And I believe its because they were trying to make it feel more like a Zelda game than a Warriors game, like they were paranoid that Zelda fans would hate it simply because its a spinoff and played nothing like Zelda. In doing so, they’ve ruined w/e potential the game could’ve had. That Adventure mode was just a gallon of salt water. Did you really need to shove in bosses that could only  be killed by items? Or tack on items in general? Or have fairy fountains? I doubt anyone looked at Hyrule Warriors and thought “how will they implement all of Zelda’s core gameplay elements into a game about destroying legions of enemies”. It just blows my mind how Nintendo managed to fuck this up. But dumbasses want them to own Sonic.

I gotta admit, Ganon looks like a beast here.

Inquisition is shit.

And no. I didn’t bother to finish it. Shit was boring to the max.

I know its been a while, im just going through shit atm. 

The first Bioware game I despise. Where people find the will to praise a shit ass game like this, I will never know. I’m assuming because everyone hated Dragon Age 2 for Amma knows what reason. If that’s the case, the industry is a paragon of bad taste. Origins is wildly shittier than people like to pretend it is. Shit ass combat that’s stuck on auto-fight, painfully judgemental party members, bloated ass padding that’s far more obvious than it should have been, and there’s the masterpiece of suck ass that are the deep roads and the multiple fade dungeons. 

But people kept bitching “omg DA2 is casualized for console players, Bioware sold out!” Do RPG fans actually like bullshit!? I can literally visualize these bastards spreading their asses open so EA could slide Origins right up their asses. They jerk off to that shit so much, and the unrelenting bitch work spawned this unholy tragedy of a game.

I was almost half convinced that Bioware was a competent team, but fuck did they mess this one up.

I don’t even know where to begin, it’s so forgettable. I already brought up the fantastic nonsense of needing an Origins account just to import artificially generated decisions into this game! No actual method of importing your own save files. PS4 I understand as Origins and DA2 arent on it. But I don’t even own one, yet I gotta put up with the same bullshit!? Fuck that noise. Dragon’s Keep is supposed to be a workaround for not owning the first 2 games. But there’s literally no option to import saves. 

But w/e. I started this up to I have a weird green hand and amnesia. Character creation is probably the worst I’ve seen from Bioware.  Aside from a more convenient interface, the options of creating your character is limited to something hideous. It barely matters how you configure the faces, its gonna turn out looking like some 80’s claymation nightmare. The only consolation being that you won’t be as fugly as Sera. 

As I continued through this nightmare,  I had lingering doubts that this would be shit. This wasn’t mitigated by the cock-smashingly long ass load times that make the NeoGeo CD blush. I don’t think 06 had this ass backwards load times. What’s even more fucked is how they have these tarot card hints you could flip for about 7 seconds before it transitions into a black screen to load for at least 3 minutes or so. Shit is unacceptable. As if you needed anymore warning that this game’s pacing is a cracked out slug on acid.

The fuckjob story is that of your character having a mysterious power called an “anchor” that allows you to close green rifts, gateways to the fade, I guess? Because of that, you are literally worshipped as the “Herald of Andraste” whom everyone wants to save the world. Or so I’m told, it just seems like everyone is preoccupied with the Templar-Mage war to notice. This seems to be a “company content trope” of Bioware’s in that the world is in grave peril but the world is too stupid to help out unless you do some favors (ME3, Origins). 

That’s the basic gist of the story, there’s a villain with red rock candy growing out of his ass but he’s as dull and uninteresting as your companions. Cassandra, the chick who demanded a bedtime story from DA2 is now a member though the game doesn’t bother to make me care, which is unfortunate as she’s the only good character in the game. Varric is back, unfortunately. Solas, this Arnold Vaslu lookin mother fucker who I assume is a traitor later on. Sera, the afformentioned ancestor to the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Vivienne, proof positive that Bioware is out to vilify black people. Dorian, a faggot who talks about fucking Iron Bull during regular play, pandering to the LBGT cunts. Blackwall who seems to play as King Triton from The Little Mermaid. I’m sure there are more useless assholes to recruit, but eh.
So I start this bitch off with a character that moves at the pace of a disabled turtle. Suddenly I have the ability to jump! Whether there was a reason for this ability to be included, I’ll never know, cause it’s damned pointless. Yo character can’t even clear a small fence half the time. Movement in the first 2 games was actually damned fast. You felt like an athlete. This new asshole you play Is totally out of shape. Im surprised & grateful there’s no stamina bullshit to look out for. But if you thought he couldn’t get any slower, wait till you engage enemies. They start fucking walking! 

Combat couldn’t get shittier than this. All the bile these fanboys spit on DA2’s combat because it’s uh… not boring, and they turn around and give a pass to the disgraceful bullshit on here. See, DA2 went away from it’s auto-fight bullshit to a more action-RPG aproach similar to what you’d find in the Last Story. Here, Bioware tried to combine elements of the both games, raping w/e joy one could have with the game. Here’s the crap. Regular attacks like merely swinging your sword… is done by holding down R2. Yep! Whacking opponents with your main weapon is just holding down a button. Does that sound fun to you!? Course not, obviously because its fucking retarded, and all to make room for that worthless ass jump function.

Skills are activated via the face buttons, but the way they work is also borked. See, the MP system recharges mana automatically, no longer relying on Mana potions to refill your MP bar. Its more of a curse than a blessing if you’re the kind of person who stocks up on fluids regularly. The mana recharge rate is slow as fuck, reducing battles to some outdated RTB shit from Chrono Trigger. But here’s a question. If you’re gonna make mana a self-recharging element,  why maintain cooldowns for regular skills? It would’ve made more sense to have the Mana itself act as the cooldown, having something similar to Mass Effect’s power, but nope! You got both the slow ass mana recharge and the long ass cooldown rates of skills. Thanx, the combat is reduced to a fucking waiting game! Thanx also for making the fun of playing a mage non-existent. 

Speaking of which, the general rule of playing any magic character is to hang back and let the brutes do all the fighting, but can Bioware not make shitty AI for once!? If I have to throw up a barrier everytime for the negligence of my crew, something is wrong with them. It appears that everytime I get into a fight, someone gets raped in less than 2 seconds. And oh fuck, Bioware removed healing spells completely, reducing my capacity to keep them alive. These greedy bastards will burn through all but 2 potions for what they believe to be some gesture of consideration. All because they won’t stop being shit in a throwdown. 

And… What’s this tactical view shit used for again? This oh so intricate new feature that was shoved into the game if not only to bluff about how deep the combat is, and I use it when I need to pee. It serves no purpose in making a fight any easier. It does nothing.

The combat in this game is rigid and outdated, plagued by shit AI and shit RTB masturbation design. Whoever thought it was a good idea for direct attacks to be activated via holding a shoulder button is a dick. Oh it’s not like I wanted to feel like I was in control of my actions. It’s such an unnatural feeling control scheme, I swear. You know what else is unnatural?  Spending 6 whole minutes fighting a bear. Damage scaling, much? Is there any reason fighting wildlife takes longer than regular chumps in some demon cave? Bag of hitpoints my ass. Battles are slow enough without this BS.

Moving away from combat, there’s the fad-zombie known as the “open-world”. Shit that no one actually enjoys but because GTA had it, developers got the impression that it’s more awesome than it really is. Because then developers just find horses ass excuses to make you traverse long distances and validate all the time they wasted designing these big ass areas. And holy shit did Bioware fall into that trap. The grand majority of “missions” are my oh so favorite fetch quests where you are required to scour the land looking for people, places or things of very little importance. And yes, with how slow your character moves, it is a goddamn slog. 

2 features were put in to mitigate the tedium. The horse is supposed to make traveling faster, but thanx to shit mechanics and controls, that doesn’t work. Oh look! A fucking pebble! I must slow down before I hit it! Stupid Epona masturbation barely moves faster than you anyway. The other is a quick jump feature… but you have to manually place quick jump “poles” in certain areas or set up camps first before you can take advantage of the feature. Plus, using quick jump means dealing with those retarded ass load times. So these features are the equivalent of using bubble gum as a stitch.

Quests and the like are merely optional,  right? The fanboys are deluded enough to believe that nonsense, but Bioware decided that taking a dump on the player was a good idea. In order to actually gain access to new areas and progress the shit story, you need a certain amount of “power”. Its not explained what this “power” is or why it’s necessary to progress, but in the end, it’s how Bioware intends to pad out the length of the game… which already has shit pacing as it is! You gain power by doing quests, so that “but eets optional” claim lacks merit. Nevermind knowing specifically which quests gives you power or just some influence or regular old experience points, the fact that you have to complete quests to farm out story progression currency is unacceptable. 

Bioware could make a game longer by compelling you to do quests because they were fucking interesting. Not because you have to meet some artificial quota set up  by the devs to artificially extend game time. This is diplorable and Bioware should know better! It’s what made me stop playing midway through. You don’t pad out games like this. It’s not compelling at all. That and the constant crashing started wearing my nerves. It’s a technical mess, that’s for sure.

I have no idea what made DA2 soooo bad that people would jest that Inquisition is it’s better. DA2 has more compelling quests, far more entertaining characters, a decent combat system, hella better pacing, and a damn good narrative. That shit with zombie mom was tits. The only thing wrong with the game are the reusing of the same areas for each quest, but this game is honestly the best one in the series. Inquisition is nothing but an exercise in torture. Not only is it the absolute worst game in the whole series, but it’s perhaps Bioware’s worst game overall. There’s no excuse for all the bullshit this game has, it’s a fucking mess. And that shit with Dragon Age Keep is insulting. 

Ugh… maybe I should get that new Kirby…

I think I’ve mentioned it once before, but I love schmups. The millions of bullets I could evade in even the tiniest of spaces never ceases to inflate my ego. Castle of Shikigami 3 withstanding. If I had any recording tools, I would showith all my talent so that you could marvel at my feats and that I could generate envy and hate from ye onlookers. I art more kickass than thee.

In all seriousness, I invested in some free mobile schmups, Space War, Thunder Assault, and Air Strike in particular. It is both interesting and annoying using just your thumb to move around your ship. Would’ve been piss easy avoiding bullets if my thumb didn’t cover half the damn screen. All 3 of these games would’ve been fine if not for 1 lingering issue. Well… 3 issues including crashes and the stubborn monetization (only allowed to use 1 ship while the other 4-5 costs money. Fuck you too). No, the real problem is the upgrade systems. 

Its not in how they’re designed, its that they exist at all. You see, what I’m used to is having enemies die in less than 30 shots. At later levels I started encountering enemies that refused to die. Damned indomitable spirit! Even when I collected enough powerups to fill up a warehouse, these fucks would not go down in less than 10 shots. I was real confused. Cause if I entered rampage mode (super powerful ass beam shit when you get enough powerups), that should be the end of my foes. But no. They were still stan-…flying. I haven’t seen bullshit like this since Goku vs Superman 2 (really bullshit fight I might add).

Ofcourse because I knew I was the whole package, I completely ignored the upgrade option altogether. That bit me on the ass. Course that meant backpedaling to previous levels and collecting enough bullshit just so I can increase my firepower…. just so my rampage beam could actually kill enemies in later stages.

Now…*sigh* you can imagine my disgust at this shit. To have all those years of Galaga, Raiden, Gigawing, Blazing Star, etc. to be told your skill isn’t enough for the future of gaming. Now you must grind and farm just to stand a chance!

It was one thing for RPGs to be slow and boring dreks for it’s early years, but to see it’s upgrade bullshit creep into everything else is… troubling

The omnipresent upgrade system has it’s vile tentacles in just about every genre, most notably FPS’s. The concept is simple. You take what was normally a powerup and you dole them out in specific statistics as single points. These stats provide permanent upgrades to your abilities such attack power… idk why I’m explaining this, ya’ll know what I’m talking about. People today would refer to this as player progression. I would say it’s a countdown to boredom.

On one hand, I could see the perks. Instead of randomly dropped powerups that dissappear after death or stage completion, you have permanent boosts to your abilities for the rest of the game. But on the other, it removes the very idea of consequence. Without a notable consequence, the player derives no real incentives or motivation from the game.

Take this Geometry Dash game for instance. This game presents a notable consequence for losing. If you play insanely long levels, you are more desperate in trying to complete them. Why? None of the levels in game give you a check point. You die, you start from the very beginning. 

Maybe not the best example so going back to the shmups, the idea of a powerup is to give you an edge in fighting, but the consequence of dying are that you lose all of your powerups, bombs, and continues. Then you’d normally start over from the beginning. Then you’d have to regain those powerups again. With a standard upgrade system, you could begin a level with all powerups and immediately go into a rampage. That and you need increased firepower as well. With something like this, the powerups lose all value. This may not sound like a bad trade-off, but there is a reason RPGs are flawed to their core. These upgrades require gems that you get during levels, and the numbers they pull for each upgrade becomes astronomical, so you will need to farm like a mother fucker. As the game pushes you toward upgrading, the farming is bound to get repetitive and boring, and you find yourself thinking that it is a waste of time (and you’d be right). You spend more time revisiting levels just to grind or farm for upgrades, you:forget the meaning of fun.
Had these shmups kept the regular powerups as your edge in a fight, the need to revisit levels would be reserved for preference rather than necessity

The incentive of powerups would remain, and the game would a natural shmup. Alas, there is another problem with upgrade systems. Say you completely upgrade your w/e. Character, weapon, vehicle,  etc. You now have all the power to not give a shit anymore. Once you’ve reached maximum output, combat with enemies become less of a challenge,  and they are simply a minor annoyance. Soon enough it becomes boring on it’s own as there is no challenge present after all this time. The only means of getting that challenge is to start a new game… but then you think “I did all of this work to get my character maxed out, I don’t want to do it all over again”. The only thing developers can do is provide a new game plus with harder enemies, or scale up enemies as you grow, but it’s nothing more than a bandage over a laceration when it needs disinfection. When you reach maximum output, there is no risk to you, the player. Meaning no consequence. Meaning no incentive. Meaning no interest. Meaning no fun.

Upgrade systems are far more saturated than FPSs. And they come in many forms, whether by  standard leveling, point allocation, or restrictive equipment systems like those found in Sonic Generation or DBZ fighting games of late. And all have the same issues. You’re grinding for permanent power that eventually takes all the fun out of the game. 

 I feel there’s no coincidence that the NES classics sold out so fast. Even with 30 games, the incentives are ever present. Maintaining powerups throughout a game is rewarding in itself. And personally, I enjoy the fact that You actually have to get better at these games via practice. Rather than rely a system that does all the work for you, your own talent and ability is what pulls you through.

I can’t help but think an obsession with RPGs is rampant in this industry. Those idiotic mechanics are literally in every genre now.  That Alien Syndrome game on Wii would’ve been better without upgrades. Fighting games aren’t completely assfucked (yet) so there’s little hope for the future. its either an obsession with RPGs or the 3D necessitates some workaround for that camera (hehehe)

Kinda makes you appreciate all of these retro re-releases.

I would like to know your thoughts on Guilty Gear Xrd

Revelator, and SpiderMan Homecoming.

Ugh, this quote function is buggy as hell… long time no see, mang.

Spiderman, you can already guess. Its just as I predicted. Spiderman’s motivation is tied directly to Iron Man’s approval. It burns my piss!

Keaton is a good choice, but I don’t care about Vulture. Doesn’t seem like the events of Civil War matter here. (Big surprise!). In other words, I refuse to watch any further degradation to Spiderman whereby he is just an extension to Tony Stark’s development. Plus it looks like a hastly thrown together movie as soon as Disney got the license. How many films got pushed back just to make room for Spiderman? Its asinine, no? Too bad the Inhumans won’t be fighting Thanos because Disney loves money.


Now for the real shit. Hooooboy. Unlike y he last time, I decided to pre-order Revelator. Yes omg pre-orders are the devil fuck it. I wasn’t about to drive into a different county for another game. Can’t fault the consumer because the industry wants to be evil.

Anywho, getting the gameplay, unless you’re some SRK nut rider or Japanese, you won’t notice any real changes to the mechanics. So really… its the same damn game. That’s not the problem. The pacing does seem a little faster in this version. If you’re expecting anything more than what you got in Sign, you may be dissappointed.

Normally I wouldn’t care about things like this, but hell even Persona Climax had some updates in the gameplay department (Extra moves, simpler inputs, EX characters) so really… the only excuse they have is LOL NEW ENGINE! And this new version wasn’t cheap. There needs to be further incentive than new characters. 

Speaking of which, you may recall that I had a certain level of paranoia in regards to Sign’s roster being filled with gimmicks. Based off of Blazblue alone and what characters were already available, I had good reason to concerned if matches would devolve into “out-gimmicking” the opponent. Fortunately I had no reason to be paranoid. While the characters had their bullshit, they still played like they belonged in a Guilty Gear game.

Come Revelator… there’s this bitch.


Jack-O, whose only redeeming quality is swinging her big old ass toward the screen, is vintage gimmickry. Her only specials involve flooding the screen with pumpkin armies. Fucking seriously!? All of her normals being cheap, long range attacks just so the devs could pretend that she’s viable outside of her minions. Bitch is a farce. But hey, mission accomplished Aksys, I’m sure this cunt has loads of hentai thanks to the moonings you gave the audience. 

She is joined by 5 other characters. 2 of which were DLC in Sign (while being teased in story mode, jackasses), 2 more being returning characters, and 1 more is… some crow nigga, I don’t know. There are also 2 extra characters, but they are DLC unfortunately. One of them being Dizzy which burns my ass.

My only real incentive for getting this upgrade was because they brought my girl Jam back. Finally, all the characters I use in this series has returned… and she’s pretty bad in this game. Damage? Whats that!? I didn’t plan on massaging these poor bastards. And some of her moves don’t work as well as they used to. One move where she sorta glides across the floor and could get behind the opponent, it feels you have to be really fucking close for that shit to work more often. But eh… she’s still fast as hell. But her face looks weird as fuck now. Like a Barbie Doll with skin tight titties attached.

Never liked Johnny so… blah.

Leo Whitefang I thought was gonna be amazing… and he sort of is. His moves combine 2 things I HATE in a fighting game character. Charge moves and stanches. Luckily since his normals are pretty useful, you don’t need to turtle as much as you would for Street Fighter, but fuck stances. I loathe stances! It’s bad enough I gotta remember the commands of these and what they do, but now I have to remember what mode those moves are performed in!? Fuck out of here with that “must be knowledgeable of this bitch to git guud” BS. Well, he’s cheap enough and powerful as shit to make up that difference, and he looks awesome! But you know what I really found lovable? After whoopin yo ass, dis mother fucker takes out a book and starts reading poetry! Like he needed something poetic to say to such an artistic ass whoopin. Like “Shit! I mutilated yo ass so bad, I need to invent new words to describe it! Lemme get out olwebster here…” Leo’s fucking genius.

Elphelt… ugh. I don’t understand her moveset and I try not to bother. All you need to know is that she’s some fetish monster conceived in the minds of sexually deprived anime fans. Lessee here.

  1. Tig olbitties. Check
  2. Wedding dress. Check
  3. Cat ears because pussy puns are fun. Check.
  4. Addresses the player in wishing for marriage like Iroha from Samurai Shodown. Check.
  5. Insanely pretty face. Check

*sigh* Yeah, I like to say liberal douche shit even though im jerkin off to it. You know it. Why is her hair white? Her shit was red before, wasn’t it?


Well I hope story mode could elaborate in less than half the chapters in the last game!? Da fuq ASW!? In Sign, you’ve this big ass story mode which is like some terribad anime, here you have something far shorter that does nothing to advance the plot, but simply exists to throw cameos In your face. Oh Zappa isn’t possessed anymore? Fuck you too. Baiken shows up, still craving attention, and does jack shit, story mode is one big easter egg/sausage fest. Nothing happens except they killed off the black girl. Ramlethal? Yeah. That’s it. That’s all that really happens of importance. 

Not just that, but there be a damn good reason I had to suffer through cameo fanservice entirely in Japanese audio! Yeah, there’s no English dub. I guess Guilty Gear fans are just as batshit insane as any other anime fandom when concerning dubs. I’ll be upfront. I miss Venoms English voice. He was one of the few decent actors in Sign, whoever he was. But… if that’s the price of not having to hear Johnny Young Bosch, tis worth it. But still, there’s the matter of consistency that’s been ignored if it were to appease those crazy ass anime fans. I’m sure it’s a budget issue, but how much you wanna bet the next Blazblue will get a dub? Matter of fact… does that forth have a dub? Anyone?


The shorter story mode and lacking dub makes the game feel that much smaller than Sign. Persona Climax literally had more to offer over it’s Arena counterpart. I ask why not the same level of commitment here? This is Guilty Gear for fuck’s sake! I might as well have bought another copy of Rayman Legends. 

If it means anything, the redesigned stages look a helluva lot better than in Sign… except Nightmare Theater. Dude they fucked this place up! NT from Sign was literally the creepiest background in any fighting game produced! Second only to that fetus in Darkstalkers 3. NT was just eerie, and it really had more to do with that movie playing in the background, the morbid music… in this game, these mother fuckers turned it into a desert. A fucking desert!! What the fuck does a goddamn desert have to do with NIGHTMARES!? Asinine bullshit ass changes for the sake of!! Nightmare Theater was just fine! Didn’t need to be fixed! 

Ugh… so the only real improvement was… more varied palettes for characters… I guess. I was truly dissappointed with this game. Sign had  room for improvement and relevator was supposed to be that fix, they did nothing as far as I’m concerned. It feels less than a goddamn spinoff! That’s the real insult. It’s as though they had no real faith in this game, let alone the franchise. Because Blazblue is just so. much more popular. Fuck that series. Guilty Gear deserves better.