Category: Uncategorized


Odyssey Prime: Desperation

Fuck an Intro. 

Super Mario Odyssey

By the balls of Ra…

You know, at first, this looked like the real successor to Mario 64. And I was judging this from the more unique and varied worlds that was shown in the original trailer. The more I watched the latest trailer though, the more it looks like typical 3D Mario fare. Outside of the ability to take control of enemies (a dull idea at best), Nintendo didn’t show anything new. The vocal soundtrack they used gratedmy ears. When did Mario games start using a 40s broadway tune for these games?

Anywho, the new body snatching mechanic is one of those gimmicks developers go to when they’re fresh out of ideas. Especially in the context of Mario games. I can’t imagine anyone getting excited to play as different enemies from the series, outside of maybe the koopas. Why one of them has a frying pan is anyone’s guess. Who wants to play as a fucking goomba!?

That’s not what concerns me, however. During the trailer, you’ll catch a glimpse of Mario taking control of a stone fist and flying it directly into the face of a boss.

That feeling when you realized… Nintendo hasn’t changed one bit.

This kills w/e enthusiasm I had with this game. A lot of games have had this thing where you play through a game normally, then you’re thrown into a boss fight where the game expects you to be patient for some reason and jump through some hoops just to deal damage to a boss. Either through limited powerups, specifc guns littered in random portions of the arena, or the typical multi-tasking fights, a concept the industry has yet to outgrow from the late 90s in their bid to appeal to Hollywood. With Mario…. well, with Nintendo period, they can’t just come up with a new gameplay idea without making it entirely necessary to your progress. 

You’ll have to use Bullet Bills to navigate a desert to your destination, use a cheap cheep to swim in areas you normally wouldn’t be able to, possibly stack up 4 goombas up to press 4 switches in sync. That simply isn’t fun, and it appears Nintendo doesn’t get this. Abilities like this shouldn’t a crutch to which you need to complete a level, but should be an asset to help you complete a level. This was what power-ups were originally intended to be. Valuable tools to increase your chances of survival and overall victory. Instead, were treated to archaic Nintendo 3D platformer design disguised as a “fun new gameplay mechanic” that I could easily get from Prototype 2 w/o the crutches.

It’s a bit of a dissappointment. The game did look good. But if Nintendo is going for that intricate bs again, count me out.

Was that Pauline at the end of the trailer?

Metroid Prime 4/Samus Returns

Fuck Metroid Prime

The Prime series hasn’t been good since the first game, partly due to half the team getting traded around with Bungie. I would assume those asshats were responsible for the downfall of the Prime series, particularly with the games being turned into a softcore run of the mill FPS, what with the addition of beam ammo, tacked on multiplayer, competitive online modes, Tower defense segments, an escort mission… basically everything fans were afraid of when Prime 1 was first announced. And even if that wasn’t the case, the awkward back-tracking (no, Metroid isn’t about that!), tedious puzzles, and lengthy for no reason boss fights would ensure that no fun would be had with the series ever again. And hell, corruption was just a complete bore half the time that you’re fighting boredom more so than the controls. Unfortunately, because Other M is so much worse (it’s honestly not), the value of the prime series is greatly exxagerated out of pure spite. Hell, Other M was actually refreshing compared to how stale Corruption was.

Speaking of Other M, here’s that with yet another trip to Zebes. I might check that one out since it’s on a system I actually own. And isn’t some random FPS.

Kirby

Well there’s the one saving grace of Nintendo’s E3 line up. Looks no different from Return to Dreamland, and yet I’m convinced it’ll be the best Switch game to own…. for the moment, anyway.

Fire Emblem Warriors

While I did say turning Fire Emblem intoa Warriors game would make it less boring, I don’t know If I could trust these doorknobs with another game after the tragedy that was Hyrule Warriors legends. So far, it seems like most of the characters are coming from the 3DS games. I could hope for Ike and Lyn, but I don’t know if they’ll include characters from the games that didn’t do well.

Mario X Rabies.

Good lawd, they brought back the Rabbids…

…..that’s all I can really say. I can’t see myself caring about another turn-based strategy game, especially a crossover of 2 franchises I don’t like.

But this is proof there is no limit to how Nintendo is willing to go to whore out their mascot. I don’t think the rabbids were ever popular. Ubisoft must’ve wanted something from Nintendo if they agreed to do this crap

Wargroove

……Another baseless strategy game!? Seriously!?

Xenoblade 2

Form fitting armor my ass

Otakus rejoice! Nintendo fucks what could’ve been an interesting franchise in a cheap to pander to you faggots. Words cannot describe how underwhelming that trailer was. Carefully crafted to reel in the hopeless animu fans and infuriate those who actually enjoyed the first game.

Also seems like it’s gonna be one of those franchises where each entry is it’s own universe with some minor connection to previous games. Now the Monado is some spirit with huge tats. Oy
You know… Nintendo’s E3 presentation. .. isn’t interesting at all to talk about beyond Mario. About the the only games that look good are Samus Returns and Kirby, though I was honestly hoping for an F-Zero sequel or Custom Robo. Instead, we get some shit called Wargroove because Japan is jacking off to turn-based nonsense. A Mario/Rabbids is beyond stupid, and it seems that Switch will be another console where you constantly wait a million years for a decent game to come out.

I was bored out of my mind watching watching these trailers. Nintendo seems to be going through the motions for their software again. I’m more disturbed that thousands of fat ass gamers stood in line for hours just to play 5 minutes

Letting off some Steam

I need to make an admission. Yes, I have been just rushing out a lot of my posts lately. Even to this day, I have limited internet access, usually about 3 days a week. Lately,7on’t have the energy to write. I dont enjoy writing short posts as it’s a waste of space and time. Many of you all will find trailers of these games on your own anyway. πŸ˜› I haven’t really given much time to reflect on anything last week.

With E3 going and so much…. crap to talk about, there usually isn’t a lot of time to discuss these games and what they’re doing right or wrong in such a short window. But I notice that often times people don’t want to hear about old news or games unless there’s a specific format for it, or if the game is actually released and playable. And as it stands, the only areas I care about as of right now are Sonic and Nintendo, so unless something catches my eye otherwise, those 2 areas will be the focus of my next few posts.

I look at videos for Sonic Mania pretty often. More so just skimming through comments of what I now see as hyperbolic praise. Then I find one commenter critcisizing Chemical Plant, which I personally felt was the only old zone that had any effort put into it. He went on about how pointless most of the new additions were (the sticky walls, I think), and that the developers were wasting their talent on nostalgia. I don’t see it his way, and I think he or she is speaking from the standpoint of baggage. A decade of being served crap does that, though his/her points shouldn’t be discounted. Any info you gather either it be analyzed or purely opinionated can be useful. Regardless, you have the usual nonsense bickering going on as a result of this. And of course one commenter goes on with the tried and true rebuttal of “Sonic fans complain too much! Why can’t they just be happy!? Sega is givin ’em what they want!”. 

I… am utterly… sick of this same catch phrase being spouted everywhere you go where even the slightest hint of negativity is met with derision. Now we’re getting to a level of parody where criticizing a sonic game is taboo simply because… one game, one that hasn’t officially hit store shelves even, looks so familiar to the shit we hold so closely from our childhoods. This estranged stance comes from being easily satisfied and rarely ever swayed. Coming from one with an untrained mind to see what is right or wrong with anything. But more so, it’s evidence of a lack of empathy. Gamers don’t care why other people like things so long as it doesn’t step on their toes. Entertainment is an ego driven industry, it has everything to do with making you feel good. Anything that’s intrusive that feel good experience is met with unbridled hostility. This is why you have more players complain about ugly women in Mass Effect Andromeda than the actual problems the game, because they can’t make believe they’re having sex with someone who is attractive. But that’s another issue altogether.

 I will admit, to this day I’m still baffled by how anyone can enjoy Mario Puzzles to the degree that they wait 5 hours standing in long lines just to play five minutes of a game, but i’m not completely blind to see why many enjoy the Last of Us so much. A gripping story, stunning visuals, zombie apocalypse, most of the enemies being blackeven the ones with obvious white redneck voice acting (fuck you, Naughty Dog) but understanding why people don‘t like something is actually pretty easy. I’ve said in the past that people don’t think when they see no problems. Their brains are turned off temporarily. A problem is something humans instinctively attempt to resolve. So of course, people explain the problems they have with certain media more astutely than those who enjoy, they take the time to think about these problems. If you have no problems with Sonic Mania, and you’re on a medium by which you do not care about other’s problems with the game. These catch phrases are merely a result of you trying to resolve a problem that you see by way of deflecting critcism. Because to you, this guy stepped on your toes. 

As for the rare individuals who find this catchphrase to be a legitimate question, this is for you.

The latest trailer for Sonic Forces was released showing gameplay segments from a video where Webber and some other morons dressed up like sexually repressed nerds try to demonstrate the 3 styles of gameplay. Essentially being a trailer of a recompiled video… along with new cgi footage of old villains as well as one new character who seems to be a combination of Mephilis and Midna from Twilight Princess. And that is simply confirmation that… this year is the year of Sonic Fanservice

This is possibly why we still haven’t seen much of the games as fanservice titles don’t have much in terms of an incredibly thin premise as an excuse to pack as many crowd pleasing elements as possible… with the exception of Zavok. I suppose that’s fine, I just don’t know how to feel about it, honestly. I get the sense that the plot will be a repeat of Generations. Robotnik finds some magic fuck and messes with the fabric of the universe just to beat Sonic. Doesn’t leave much to anticipate if Green Hill and Egg Dragoon are any indication. Idk. Before this trailer, I figured this might’ve been an alright Sonic game. Now, I don’t really know. 

Either their marketing is a complete failure, or they have no idea how to draw people to the franchise. You don’t simply rely on cheap fanservice as a means of drawing in old fans. It worked for Street Fighter 4 because at the time, Capcom actually built trust with their fans by making quality games (or so their fans say). After 12 years of mediocrity, Sega has no such leverage. What exactly is gained from shoving in Chaos 0, for example? This… “character” has no established popularity with the fandom. Neither does Zavok or anything resembling that godawful title of whence he came. Is it some petty acknowledgement that SA1 merely existed? Is it some cheap way to pander to the now labeled “Adventure” fans? And I’ll get to why that denotion irritates me so much. Having Shadow would be enough. I’m expecting Tikal at some point, perhaps as some side mission to rescue Chaos from mind control or some shit. 

But therein lies an issue that’s been bugging me. You see, Chaos 0 and Metal Sonic, Shadow… these guys were all introduced around the same era. Zavok is the only fresh kid on the block. Sonic Forces was touted as a game that would… appeal to newer audiences, yet they shove in content that only the shrinking, existing audience would be familiar with. I don’t know what the plot would be, but one would guess that it could be a more in-depth Generations or something akin to Hyrule Warriors where you get summarized chapters of each Zelda game. Meaning for Sonic, you get content that only the old guard would recognize. Xenoverse comes to mind, as those game also include a CaC and brief chapters of all the different saga’s. 

Still, this isn’t anything close to being offensive unlike the last 4 insults of 1 lost mind and 3 busts. And its refreshing to see people looking forward to the games, even if it’s just the old guys. But the inclusion of Chaos, Shadow, etc. Is iffy for a number of reasons. This brings me to Sonic Mania… again….

As has been stated before, Mania and Forces were blatantly intended for 2 different audiences. Mania for those who grew up in the 90s, and Forces is for everyone else. You wouldn’t know it with the shit music they use to promote Mania. The whimsical music is not at all appealing to anyone who grew up in the 90s or anyone that was raised on more than Disney crap. The 90s, for kids, was when everything was trying to be XTREME!!! Everything was all about being cool, being edgy. The only whimsical horseshit you got was from Disney cartoons, PBS or otherwise. But for many of us who lived and breathed that era, everything was XTREME!!!! Sonic the hedgehog, whether it started it or relished in it, was absolutely a product of the times. And the music and happy meal atmosphere of the pre-order trailer alone is an unfamiliar stench. 

It would be appropriate to say that this game was geared toward the “Classic Hipsters“. These college bred, pseudo intellectual dipshits who thinks Disney, Pixar, and Nintendo are the only standard of all cartoon animals, and who probably fawn over the rebooted Ratchet and Clank movie/game. These hipsters who only see Sonic 1 and 2 as the only games that matter when representing the classic era. The only justification (no matter how much of a stretch) being that those 2 games were and still are the most successful Sonic games in history. And the games themselves didn’t start getting “edgy” until 93 with Spinball and CD, but if all you listened to were these damned hipsters, you’d think Sonic 1 was the only game that existed! However, the way this series was presented in those first 2 years along with Sega’s own identity as the cool kids were validated via future games, SATam, the archie Comics, and yes…. the Adventure series. These hipsters, and SOJ, would have you believe that the Classic era was just rainbows and fuzzballs. SOJ is probably being passive aggressive if that interview is to be believed. 

The logic behind Mania and Forces assumes that fans who played the 2D games instantly gave up on the series… in 1998. Where they got this logic, I will never know. None of us found shit wrong with Adventure to any degree that would make us say piss to this franchise. Many of us loved Sonic Adventure! The music, the visuals, the story, the feeling of a Saturday Morning cartoon that you could play… and because giga pets were a thing in the 90’s, we LUV’D Chao Garden. For a 3D Action Platformer in a world surrounded by Mario 64 ripoffs, it was the right kind of deviancy we loved and expected out of this series. That was Sonic’s real quality. It’s ability to stand out from the rest and still manage to captivate. Sonic of the 90’s and early 2000’s was a deviant little franchise. At least until Mega Man X, most action platformers didn’t have an edge to them, or content that was anywhere near as interesting as Sonic.

Hell, the Adventure games are more “classic” than half the piss that came out. If anything, the Adventure fans are Classic fans. They enjoy these games for the same damn reasons we do. When the content was still good…. And wasn’t trying to rip off Mario or Ratchet, other 3D platformers that are enjoyed for reasons people go to play those games, not to play Sonic, it was an enjoyable franchise for all the factions. And I’ll get to why in just a bit.

There was no real hard division amongst the fandom until Sonic 4 and Sonic Colors. The real split Is hard to say as being a generational phenomenon as newer fans haven’t come in to compensate for disinterested fans, which would explain why Boom was made in the first place. So what is this split? Why, the Classic fans, the Modern fans, and recently, the Adventure fans! We’ve categorized ourselves into different sectors which detail our likes and dislikes. And… it’s honestly the biggest fraud we deluded ourselves into thinking was legit. You see, the fandom didn’t diferentiate itself with the desire to identify each other’s preferences. It was to identify scapegoats for our pent up frustrations with being ignored by game companies.

Back in 08 or 09 I can’t fucking remember, Megaman 9 was released to much undeserved (and looking at those sales, invalid) fanfare from the industry as well as the fans. The amount of hype where MM9 was… mythologized if you will, was no short of outrageous. And Capcom was this unstoppable trend-setter for game developers, we had Capcom to blame for enemies with long health bars to show off sweet combos (DMC), those QTEs people are sick of (RE4), the increased frequency of fighting game update packs (SF4) and damn sure they are responsible for the hipster retro indie craze that’s long overstayed it’s welcome. By now, everyone was expecting their favorite developers to give their franchises the same treatment. And Sega was no different. This was when Sega stopped being original in their content and started copying business trends and gameplay from their competitors. This was when Sega stopped relying on the deviancy that Sonic games thrived on.

When Sonic 4 was announced, there was also a level of significant fanfare from the fandom and the media alike… before the game was released. After Unleashed became an embarrassment and a crushing blow to Sonic fans, everyone was desperate. S4 came as this beacon of hope for jaded fans, much like Mania today. But…  not….everyone was happy. Some fans had stated that Sonic didn’t need to go this route as there were 2D games were already on handhelds (an unspoken rule at the time as people didn’t take 2D games seriously anymore simply because of technological bias, I guess) and did not need to take priority on consoles. And this is where the back and forth BS begins. Or escalates. Classic fag, Modern fag, w/e the case may be, you had fans that wanted 2 different things. One wanted the series to move forward, change for sake of, and the other wanted validation from an industry that openly shuns them online. You see, all this crap about “gameplay” that the ahem…. Classic fans parade about these days isn’t out of some actual belief about a game’s quality, Sonic games don’t sell on gameplay, but because they wanted to act like they knew what they were talking about… to a community and an industry that knows fuck all about why people play games in the first place. Mega Man 9 and Nintendo games at the time were being praised for gameplay rather than relying on graphics to sell to people, even though graphics saved Nintendo from a perpetual ass beating in the early 90s, something that Nintendo fans gleefully deny out of delusion. Because Nintendo was finally successful again despite having an underpowered console that was ridiculed left and right. Mega Man 9 being reduced to 8bit graphics was, to the idiot Nintendo fans, validation of their purchase of a Wii console. Capcom was huge in the 2000s. If you didn’t love Capcom, something was wrong with you. Having them validate their choice in the Wii was a huge win for the nintards. And the Sonic fans looked with pure envy. They saw all the shine that Capcom was getting, and after the embarrassment of Unleashed, the Sonic fans wanted that.

you see, sonic fans didnt care about getting a Sonic game to go back to it’s roots. As everyone will tell you, we were still getting 2D Sonic games on handhelds. Sonic Rush even sold well. But because they were devoid of any real content, they go ignored. 

 These fans were tired of sonic being a laughing stock for 3 years. So they went on tirades trying to justify the mediocrity that comes simply by talking about how “gameplay matters”. This was a bad habit they picked up from Nintendo fans and the industry at large. Gameplay only mattered because Nintendo had nothing else to show for it except blind devotion. No CD format, “gameplay matters”. No dvd playback, “gameplay matters”. No decent online features, “gameplay matters”. It didn’t matter to Sonic back in the 90s, and it doesn’t matter today. Sonic games are gameplay focused and no one buys them.

Because Nintendo was merely being praised at the expense of Sonic, and the fans are sick and tired of it. I sure as hell am. And with Nintendo fans carrying baggage from all the asswhoopins their favorite publisher got from Sony, all the trolls from Sony fans, and the pent up frustrations from being laughing stocks for several years, any easy target they can get is good enough for the salvation of their egos. All these tropes in internet game communities come from frustrations that gestate and explode at a moments notice. And no, I’m not justifying death threats to game developers, that level of insanity is it’s own can of worms.

Either way, Generations comes out and the same fans who want the series to move forward are again pissed and start targeting the fans who want validation, blaming them for turning the series into a nostalgia fest. Gamers tend to butt heads with each other, vying for the focus and attention of game developers like some sick mating ritual because they think developers honestly make games based on what the fans want. Regardless, Generations became this template for how the fandom divides itself into 2 groups. The Classic Fans just want 2D Sonic, and Modern fans want 3D Sonic. This is/was a very narrow-minded way of looking at themselves, being as disgruntled as they are, they only create this divide to sever any associations they have with each other, and all they do is beef. 

Recently, an “Adventure fandom” was officially designated by the fans. Maybe cause of 2 lousy HD ports, maybe cause of a Facebook page, somewhere in there is more passive aggressive slants against themselves. Mark my words, there will be “Edgy fans” for hearing praise for Sonic Unleashed or cries of wanting the series to grow it’s balls back. “Pussy fans” for chanting that Sonic is for kids.

All the while…. the ones who enjoy more than just a fraction of the games, no matter how unfeasible that may seem with the horse crap from 2010 and up, are left without a voice. They’re either categorized or ignored. And people of all groups have  natural desire to belong. But in doing so, they subject themselves to tribalism, and begin disassociation from people they consider undesirable. “Choosing sides” if you will.

You may say “So what? The fans are being knuckle heads, how does that affect anyone?”

I don’t know. It shouldn’t be a concern of mine or anyone else’s.  Fandoms are always an endless pit of debates and stupidity where common sense is considered a fool’s errand. And yet… Sega is feeding into this nonsense! 

Thats the entire point of both of these games. Because Sega has bought into the fandom’s delusions that all Sonic fans want super-specific styles of games! It would’ve been simpler to maintain a level of consistent content, but idiots don’t use logic. Here, they feed into this nonsensical lie that classic fans don’t like Sonic Adventure and all the shit that came after, and because Sega themselves have such a low opinion of the Sega genesis, Mania is stagnate in everything except the visuals. Meanwhile, Forces, being intended for the rest of the fandom, includes a post-apocalyptic future with returning enemies and a character creator. This is all to o reminiscent of Nintendo’s treatment of 2D Mario, especially in terms of the “dress physics” debacle. 

But that’s neither here nor there, the problem is the intent of appealing to broadly defined fans. Nevermind that other companies who have tried this usually end up with one brand selling over the other 90, Sega openly declares that the games are designed with specific tastes in mind. It sounds nice on paper, but that creates an assload of issues. One side might get jealous of the perks the other side gets and maybe try the game to find that they don’t enjoy the gameplay, physics, level design, lack of playable characters, lack of customization, etc. Or worse, you have one game selling more than the other, and then you are left with the option of killing off one series over another for less resources used and more money gained, and that creates more division, more baggage/frustration, and you’re left with less customers than before. Trying to please everyone will never be a substitute over knowing how to please everyone. Sega shows no capacity for doing just that. Knowing your audience is one thing. Dictating them is another. You’re essentially defining what the fans enjoy with a move like this. And we all know why this is terrible. A business exists to make money, but it isn’t out of thin air. It is from living, breathing people.

You’d think they would take cues from Yuji Naka, him wanting all audiences equally to enjoy the games he makes, in regards to Sonic Heroes. Unlike the errand boy Iizuka who’s balls are about as cruked as his teeth.

Sure, it’s not a big issue. Nothing is stopping you from buying both games (except maybe internet access), but it says something when the people making the games are outright proclaiming who they are for. That is something for the Market to decide. Not to mention such proclamations assume there’s even a market for the games in the first place. And with damn near every bridge Sega’s burnt down thanx in large part to their blind love of Nintendo and chasing a failed merchandise venture, I doubt either of these games will make a penny. There is simply no faith in Sega.

So if Sega says that Mania is for the “Classic fans”, I would hope they recognize how tall of an order that is. Most of us are reaching our 30’s. 2-3 jobs. Rent costing 1 Grand a month for most apartments. We don’t have the time or money to validate your narrow-minded views of your customers. That is if you haven’t chased the last bastion of them away trying to pony off of the latest business trends in merchandise to stupid kids like Cartoon network and their mantra of “sell toys to dumb boys“. And then when your genius scheme failed, you come running back with some fan production with a price tag, hoping to win back your now jaded fans for a quick buck, and then have the gall to declare that…. a specific game wasn’t meant for us. That just says to me that you still don’t respect your customers. And when you don’t respect money, you don’t deserve one cent. 

We go out and bust our asses everyday for what measly chump change can get us through the year. All of which usually go to food, supplies, children! The fact that anyone has any care in the world to hand you $60-70 dollars for a plastic disc or gigs of data that doesn’t contribute one rat cent to their lives outside of junk entertainment… should be treated with gratitude! Instead of being swapped in and out for who you think is gonna make you easier money. Where’s the respect in being a substitutional commodity? I know we love the excuse of “it’s a business”, but far too often we use this excuse for practices that, 9 times out of 10, don’t make much of a profit anyway. This is just doing anything they can to make money. Mania and Forces lack ambition, meaning there is less risk. None of this horse shit about “oh Sonic can’t be as popular as GTA!”, it’s manipulative marketing to tell the fans to lower their expectations because theyre not gonna be bothered making an unforgettable experience. But they want up to $70 for some goddamn toys! Why can’t Sonic fans just be happy“? Because dammit, we’re tired of being jerked around!

Also, if Sega really cared about making a good 2D Sonic, they wouldn’t be so carefree as to pawn off Mania’s development to foreigners. They’re far too racist and bigoted to allow some random baka gaijin to come in and “show them how it’s done”. But that tells you how little they really care. 2D Sonic has been pawned off on random developers since 2003, they clearly don’t enjoy 2D Sonic games, or hell, 2D games period. People like Koji Igarashi are a rare breed in this industry. 

People like to chant “Sega should hire Taxman permanently!” Or something along those lines. They see some pretty visuals and assume he’s good for the company. Nay, good for the franchise. If his interview wasn’t reading off a script, I wouldn’t trust him to save anythingHe admits defeat the moment he is pegged for questions about what he thinks is best for the series as a whole. You want to build good faith for this series, and you can’t do that with someone lacking in confidence about the viability of the series hes involved with. No one puts out the time, energy, and money on a game they didn’t think would make a decent profit. Except perhaps Nintendo. 

 Don’t take this as me attacking the games, i’ve said enough about them (for now), and as i’ve said before, they don’t look like bad games. They may be better than what I’m giving them credit for. That remains to be seen. am criticizing the logic and intent behind these games. There may be people within Sega that have the consumer’s best interests in mind. It’s the top brass that usually holds em back. Course, with such a Severe lack of transparency with the company, that is still hard to prove.

And of course Capcom puts black panther in the deluxe edition, using thr movie hype to boost sales of the more expensive version of the game. Seems those bastards are having a relapse.

A Black Panther Rant

.

….I agree in spite of my own hype!

I definitely need to see that RE5 analysis. 

Even though they brought back those damned lock-on crosshairs. 

We finally see what they meant by “it’s not Green Hill” as the landscape seems to have been terraformed forcibly. You know…. actual re-imaginings. Then again, the Chemical Plant showing from Monday had some real effort put into it. Of course it would. it’s fucking Chemical Plant, the darling of the classic days (amongst Casino Night at least.)

Did we really need Egg Dragoon to come back?

Hmmm …. I wonder why Silver is in. And not playable dou! Ah right CaC.

By the looks of it, the Wispons don’t seem incredibly intrusive, though the window is tiny and I can barely make shit out. They do seem fond of showing the Burst wisp which is merely a flamethrower. And I’m guessing it’s one of those horribly dated “one powerup per level” restrictions for the sake of platforming puzzles. 

It’s annoying, sure, but i’ll try to be less pessimistic. Anything is better than Boom at this point.

Anywho, time to relive some childhood memories with Bump in the Nig-…. “Produced by Ken Pontac!?” NOOOOOO! MY LIFE IS A LIE!

EDIT: I haven’t watched the new trailer yet.

On the question of Robotnik’s name.

First off, Sonic 1 was released in America and Europe before it ever hit the shores of almighty Nihon. 

Secondly, the conceptual creation of these characters was a joint effort. Not exclusively a Japanese concept. 

Thirdly, I have trouble believing SOA wouldn’t run this by the top execs and get away with it for 8 years straight. We all know what happened when Bernie Stoler took the Nights engine without permission, those fuck ups were immediately pissed. I doubt an entity as power hungry and controlling like SOJ would let this shit slide for so long. Especially not from some baka gaijin!

Lastly, the nickname explanation is complete horse shit. A person doesn’t just go from calling himself Robotnik to Eggman in the span of one game (SA1-2) right after expressing disgust of being referred to as an egg period. Had this been the case, very few of the new characters would ever refer to him by his nickname. Shadow and Rouge I doubt would address by such a shitty nickname given their personalities and occupations. This has everything to do with pushing the Japanese aesthetic on international audiences as that is what is most important for Soj. I’m still shocked we aren’t calling this Sonnikku no Hedzog or w/e retarded shit they call it in moonland.

On the subject of Knuckles’ s mental degradation. 

This is an even worse explanation than even Iizuka himself has trouble swallowing. You’re essentially saying that Knuckles has no other purpose beyond a rival…. except he’s been passed over in favor Shadow, Jet, Blaze, and Silver. Compared to them, Knuckles is a real joke. Not only is he borderline retarded, he’s also been nerfed in his actual combat skill.

This gullibility shtick stopped being a thing in 2005 where Knuckles is just that angry idiot that exists. Some people would say “What about Chronicles?”. What about Chronicles! ? The shit was made by Bioware, it has no baring on SOJ’s handling of the character. Which, out of ALL the characters in this franchise, is completely fubar. Tell me, how is it they give him a halfway decent reason to be in SA2, but revert back to shoehorning him as a rival when he’s treated no differently than Kuwabara from YuYu Hakusho?

Hell, I’d go so far as to call it racist given that Knuckles is so blatantly patterned after stereotypes of black people, whom the Japanese literally believe to be mentally retarded anyway. After all, they approved of this asshole.

Knuckles’s constant gullibility is SOJ not knowing what else to do with Knuckles. Given the existence of Shadow and Blaze, Knuckles no longer has a purpose in this series. As evidenced by his continual abandonment of his duties for no other reason than “Sonic needs a group of 3”.

Gameinformer calls these “burning questions” bah! It does show Sega to be a bunch of pathological liars.

Chemical Plant

This is better. It actually seems like a different zone.

EDIT: Shit! Video overload! Silver is an NPC in Forces!?

HELL YEAH!

Rap song is in poor taste but HELL YEAH! 

This year we get shitty fluff movies, the real shit comes out next year. Michael B. seems to be Killmonger in this movie, the one guy who could fuck up T’Challa on a good day. Funny, he’s the second Human Torch to get a better gig. πŸ˜›

I was hoping to see Vibraxis in the movie…. oh well. Or maybe he’s  been given a sex change (woman with weird gloves).

Plot seems obvious tho…..

Well they announced Pokemon Ultra Sun & Moon this past Tuesday and for the first time ever, I couldn’t give 2 shits! Dear Ra, have I outgrown Pokemon!?

I seriously have stopped caring about this series, it’s every year they keep popping out a new Pokemon game. Either it’s a new generation, special edition, or a remake. How does no one get fatigue from this horse shit!? They don’t even change the battle system. Turn-based combat is total shit and for some reason, Nintendo doesn’t bother to outgrow this tired ass combat system. Fuck, they have Pokemon Rumble, they could use that shit for combat. 

Any of y’all play that one? It was… actually pretty fun. You only had 2 attacks per monster and couldn’t change their attacks, but it was way more exciting than having long dialogue boxes telling me that it’s been raining for 5 fucking turns, just to show the little rain effects. Fucks up the pacing of the already slow ass battles anyway.

Besides that, they already figured it’s best to completely ignore competition-based motivations in favor of generic “little shit saves the world” stories with zero appeal. Cause who gives a fuck anyway? It’s all about owning crap. Here, let me show you my shiny cock! Marvel at my OCD virility! Now all they have going for it are retarded forms and transformations. Pokemon can go Super Saiyan! Oh now we have these weird finisher moves or what not. Now we have Pokemon that…. arent Pokemon! Clear as day these cocksuckers ran out of ideas, now they have to attach all these bizarre gimmicks to the games just to keep them interesting when all they need to do is get rid of that antiquated horses ass battle system and refocus on competition. And a REAL world map. NEXT

Oh looky here. The only appealing aspect of ARMS is revealed to be a black chick wit a big swollen ass!

And mother fuckin spandex!? HELL YEAH!

That’s cute though. Nintendo learned the value of sex appeal. I wonder if Japan started ignoring Nintendo lately as they went full-on fanservice with melon butt over here. Twin tails are quite popular with otakus. Now how long before Anita and her pack of dishonest cunts catch wind of dis ass and start another petition… hell it probably already happened. 

Sadly, not one ounce of those glutes changes just how shit the combat is. I’m lookin at vids of this crap and all people can think of doing is waiting for the opportunity to grab. Is that the only viable option in this game? Might as well be. The actual attacks are slow to reach their targets, giving said target enough time to move out of the way and counter attack. This shit should’ve been cancelled and remade into a real fighting game. Instead of some gimmicky tech demo for the motion controllers. Eye candy be damned. Oh well, it’ll probably sell record numbers as there’s no accounting for taste these days. Given that there’s an option to use regular buttons, they should’ve just made a normal fighting game. But now they’re just bringing attention to how lame the combat is as of the moment. NEXT

Nintendo introduces the squid cock. Affirming that they are completely out of touch with the modern world, they plan to fuck you in the ass with a mountain of cables. Hench all the black jizz. Nintendo was jackin off to how much they wanted to fuck you with this shit.

Here’s how this fantastic nonsense works. First, you have your phone hooked up to this thing… fuck it, the diagram is already there, you can see how ridiculous this is by virtue of the headset techically already hooked up to the damn console. It shouldve ended there! But naw, lets put the phone up there with some lousy app to burn through your battery, now you gotta find another outlet to keep your phone charged for the duration of your playtime.

 That’s how we do this “handheld” console, finding ways to keep you chained to the goddamned house! Fuck year gais, Nintendo is filled wit “peerless geniuses of game design“, but when it comes to hardware, they’re ran by monkeys. How long have gaming headsets been out on the market? More than 20 years!? Who the fuck attaches them to an app!? Who necessitates some shit like this? 

Again, they’re gonna make you pay for online services in less than 2-3 months, but this is the horse shit they’re offering as an incentive. A wireless console bound by multiple cables just so you can communicate with players, probably some parental control nonsense cause Nintendo’s this giant nanny corporation with no apologies or fucks given. Nintendo,  what are you doin with this shit? Is this app a front for installing spyware on people’s phones to monitor what they do or something? There has to be an ulterior motive behind such a counter productive design flaw.

Overall, Nintendo seems to have changed nothing about how they do things. Whoever thought making an app to operate a headset was a good idea needs to get rammed up the ass by a hot rod. Twintelle is 34 material, and Pokemon is just ruined. But hell, now that Fire Emblem is making money, they can cater to otakus and not give a shit about quality. 
To think people wanted these cocksuckers to buy the Sonic franchise..

Recently,  the price and release date has been revealed. 2 months away at $20-70 dollars depending on what version you get. As I personally go for physical anyway, i’d be fucked thanx to Sega’s cheap insistence on internet dependency. Around this time, people would be calculating the costs and worth of the product. 

Unfortunately in the gameworld, because shit be expensive, we’ve fooled ourselves into thinking any half assed design choices are somehow mitigated by smaller numbers. $20 may sound reasonable, but upon further inspection, $5 is pretty fair. And pardon me for scratching a broken record… but has Sega nor Taxman even once broken the silence on the zone ratio since it was first announced? This has been my main concern and the concern of many others, and not once has this been an issue for discussion. New enemies and bosses are nice and all, but the zones are what should’ve been given more attention. 

So instead of that, Sega has decided to focus their efforts on re-imagining old zones. And what they have shown thus far is Green Hill with some new backgrounds and some pullies, Flying Battery with a few sprinkles of garbage disposal units, and now Stardust Speedway Past has man eating plants that just… sit in place?

This is why I keep harping on the Zone Ratio. These re-imagined zones lack real, tangible effort and… kinda feel desperate. They have only a few sprinkles of gimmicks here and there to say “Hey! This is new and exciting!” Zones with only a few dashes of new gimmicks does not a re-imagined Zone make.

And here’s where we play the vocabulary  game. Imagining something means just what it says. Creating a scenario or world or person, etc. In your head. Reimagining is taking what has already been created… and creating a mildly or completely different version of what already exists. In the context of media, these would be called remakes. DmC is a re-imagined DMC. Act Zero is re-imagined Bomberman. Every Zelda game is a re-imagining of themselves. Spiderman 2099 is a futuristic re-imagined Spiderman. The Mushroom Kingdom Stage in Smash Brawl is a desert re-imagining of level 1-1 of SMB1. Smash Pit is an anime re-imagining of the original. You get the picture. 

When looking at Mania, the 3 old Zones barely look any if at all different from the source material. Green Hill probably being the most developed in terms of sporting a new background, but at best, these are mild updates. Reused tiles, enemies,  and assets with a few new bells and whistles is not a re-imagined zone. Mis-application of the term is false advertising. 

Actual re-imaginings of previous zones (different tiles, color palette or hell even remixed music) would drastically mitigate the Zone ratio issue. Having severely minimal updates just brings attention to this problem. Imagine if Green Hill actually had green mountains and pink rocks…. >_> or even taking place at night or producing some rain effects. Actually make Green Hill feel new and refreshing! Like Sunset Hill, one of the extremely few likable things in Advance 3 that takes place at dusk. It’s a variation of Green Hill, but you don’t see or feel that at all. All you have to go on is the music.  Something that says you fucking tried.

Don’t just slap a recycling bin in a fortress and tell us you “reimagined” a zone. All that says is that Robotnik prioritized garbage disposal over better traps and weapons to better deal with intruders. Flying Battery is pure laziness. And as one of my favorite zones, that’s just irritating. 

See… for all of it’s faults, Sonic 4 actually gets this right, especially E2. Marble Garden becomes Castle Sylvania with water and a beautiful backdrop. If it had the song “Hidden Land” from Urban Cookie Collective, that would be tits. Oil Ocean becomes a desert oil field with giant containers, fire, and mini factories, as though it came straight out of HOTD3. Ice Cap and Carnival Night get blended together to create a Zone that would eventually get ripped off by Tekken Tag 2. And they look damn good too.

Most would probably wonder if anything more could be done with Flying Battery, but why would they? It’s a battleship, they could include a docking bay where fighter jets could constantly fly out and pose a threat on contact, engine rooms with steam oozing out the pipes frequently,, a backdrop where you can see an army of robots all lined up in rows that scroll as you move through the zone (you know, that… technique i cant remember where layers of the background move independantly?) Something along those lines that actually make it feel like a giant machine built for war and conquest. That‘s how you re-imagine something. Not just changing the layout a little bit and adding a piddly and superficial change which does nothing to make the zone feel new and fresh.

So we come back to calculating costs. Sonic Mania brands itself as a new adventure. What we should be willing to pay for comes down to how truthful the marketing is. $20 for standard. Re-imagined zones is fictitious as the changes are minor updates to select portions of the zone while the rest is left to recycled assets. We have only seen one “re-imagined” boss. So far, we still just have 2 new zones shown off. So we look at the quality of new content. Studiopolis is still a winner and Mirage Saloon is dumb. Hardboiled Heavies is the worst name you could give your enemies, and that’s about it for new content. $5 dollars seems more reasonable, though an extra $15 was added on as effort expenses.

Really though, with a release window this small, they could only hope to make one new zone and have 6 zones total for release, and that is not good. It almost feels like they’re going to fuck this up. Anything extra would inevitably be DLC with some ultimate shitdition down the road. But oy! That’s what E3 is for, right? πŸ˜› 

About the only thing refreshing about Sonic Mania is YouTube’s unquenchable anticipation for it. You have people praising the animation wanting Sega to make a cartoon based off of that… which wouldn’t be a bad idea, mind you. And some part of me feels this isn’t shill work, every facet of the internet despises Sonic and are undoubtedly paid off in some way to give Nintendo undue praise for everything except their online services, Sega doesn’t have that same influence. The college age demographic demands pixar level content from Sonic only to ignore it in favor of Nintendo anyway, it’s damned irritating. But that’s another topic altogether. 

Volume 2! Yeah that’s a good name. The budget went to the soundtrack and everything else had peanuts. After about 2 hours you’ll never get back, we get the real Ego, the Living Planet, that ends in a final battle that rips off Man of Steel. There’s about a hundred awesome things you can do with a sentient fucking planet, but no. It ends with a Superman-style fist fight and a radioshack bomb that wipes the guy out.

*sigh* I still don’t know why people love Guardians of the Galaxy. Here we have a sequel that came out with Rave reviews like the first, and I couldn’t begin to guess why. Unlike the first movie which tried to add to the mythos of the MCU, this bundle of nonsense is one big cameo fest. Even so, the first film was an unmitigated piece of shit, one of the worst Marvel movies ever crafted, only being marginally better than the likes of Iron Man 2&3, Dare Devil, and the 2003 Hulk Movie. But even if it was shitty, there was so much potential in a sequel to be better than before, possibly even having Thanos as an antagonist and set up for Infinity War. Instead, we get some bullshit about Star Lord’s daddy issues. Watching this movie all the way through, I get the sense that Gunn had no idea what he and Feige wanted to do and said “Fuck it! Just throw in as many cameos as possible so the fanboys can be marginally pleased!” 

Fair warning. I HATE THIS MOVIE! Not even Rocket could save it from juvenile humor, stunningly bad story, shit script, a central theme about fathers that no one gives a shit about, and Drax the Destroyer just laughing at anything just because! *sigh* So with that out of the way…. lets get on with it. 

Holy shit, The Master of Kung Fu is in this game!?

The shit piece begins in 1980 where we see Kurt Russell’s ol’…. young ass looking for any paycheck he can get… as he rides out with his bitch into the woods to show her an egg of some sort. That’s about it. Flash forward 34 years later as we see the Guardians fight against Shuma Fucking Gorath! (This aint no Doctor Strange sequel, is it?). They don’t say it’s name outright, but interdimensional being is a pretty good description. Buuuuut instead of a being with actual speech and chaos powers, he’s a generic monster with rainbow breath. Fuck you Gunn!

Oh and he dies to Gamora’s sword, proving once again that Disney gives no fucks about the source material in this regard. Exhibit A!

Just… read the first few words. Clear as day, Shuma-Gorath is a god-like being. It took the power of someone equally as badass to take him down. He’s not dying to some fucking flesh wound! And speaking of Doctor Strange, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY NOT PUT SHUMA-GORATH IN THAT SHIT LAST YEAR!? But instead wait for a movie that is completely unrelated to that series to put in an enemy… from that series!? Ugh!

So after the wasted cameo, we see a race of references to Adam Warlock, the archnemesis of Thanos and rival to Doctor Strange. The Sovereign and their queen, Ayesha, who was created after Adam, but seeing what they did to Shuma Gorath….

Anywho, the Sovreign reward them with a prisoner…. Nebula! Spoiler: She doesn’t do shit in this movie worth mentioning. 

I keep thinking Doctor Doom got the better deal in treatment. We’re talking about a space pirate who led a successful campaign against Xander, killing at least 3 members of the Champions of Xander in the process… and she’s relagated to sibling rivalry!? Fuck you Gunn! 

Ayesha acts like a bitch by mentioning Starlord’s daddy and saying he’s an ass (which is true) and the rest of the movie expects me to care that Starlord is pissy about his dad all of a sudden. Why would you request help to deal with a monster and then… insult your hired help after the fact!? It almost justifies what happens next.

So Rocket, being himself, steals some batteries. This pisses off the Sovereign big time and they lead the charge to attacking them with a big ass fleet. Turns out these simple batteries are super important. I don’t remember why, exactly, and frankly the movie doesn’t expect me to care, it’s really just an excuse plot to move things along.

Anywho, the team crash lands on a random planet and Starlord bitches out Rocket for…. being an ass. Kinda hard not to sympathize seeing the little rodent was responsible for what transpired. But hey, considering Starlord’s something a theif too apparently considering his previous exploits, it’s also difficult to agree with him anyway. Afterall, he was probably thinking the same thing after Ayesha’s bitchness.

Does anyone even like Starlord? Never heard of the guy from the comics, but like most movies, his personality probably got douchier in translation. The guy is just unappealing and childish. He makes Iron Man look mature. And all he really does in this movie is whine and bitch everyone out. And this series ex pects me to care about his parental issues? Like I didn’t have enough super hero family drama to keep track of. Is it any wonder why the Captain America movies are fucking amazing!? None of this “my daddy grants me the power of angst” horse shit.

Anywho, the movie cuts to a cosmic hoe bar where we see pointless cameo #3, Howard the Duck making a return just to laugh with some friends. That’s it! But then we get to Yondu where he gets exiled from the Ravagers because Sylvester Stallone IS THE LAUWWW! I guess he needs a check too, and playing a character with only 5 minutes of screen time is good enough for him.

Why is Yondu getting exiled? Child trafficking (Starlord), which brings up the question of why this cocksucker decided to take action now instead of oh idk…. 20 years earlier!? What the fuck does anyone care about old shit? Matter of fact, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE ANYWAY!? YOU’RE CALLED RAVAGERS! YOU’RE SPACE PIRATES/MERCENARIES! You torture your own prisoners and laugh at the misfortunes of others! Child trafficking should be par the course for you dipshits. But…. Now It’s a problem!? Did I miss something in the last movie!? Do these Ravager fucks have some code of honor that bars them from child trafficking or something? 

This exile is not at all important as it affects nothing in the plot. It’s just foreshadowing because these assholes wanted us to care about Yondu for some reason.

Anywho, the members of Yondu’s crew start thinking he’s going soft because he didn’t go after Starlord for tricking them in the last movie. Then suddenly,  Ayesha appears with her motley crew of peasants who… can’t stand to see their Lord’s feet get cold! She has a proposal for Yondu and his dirty crew.

Back to the assholes, Rocket is trying to repair their ship while Starlord, Gamora, and Drax go to explore a bit until they are met by…. Kurt Russell. Oh and Mantis too. A Vietnamese pacifist who was raised and trained by a sect of priests to be a bad ass but only when necessary. 

oh right! Marvel only cares about getting the powers right, so Mantis isn’t even from Earth. Cause… you know, if you wanted us to give a shred of a fuck about Starlord, you’d give him a different internal conflict. None of these daddy issues, what if he started feeling robbed of his own childhood, having to spend the rest of his life under the abuse of some blue asshole and his pack of thieves. 

And here comes Mantis! A character with a similar background to which he could connect and relate to. This connect would be the catalyst to why she helps them fight in the end, but would help Starlord grow as a character… in some regard. OR… you know, just make her a shallow love interest for Drax that literally goes nowhere….. That works! Assholes…

So Kurt just comes out of nowhere and tells Star boy that “Yep, you came from my pair!” And I don’t recall any of them being in disbelief. The 3 decide to go with Kurt and Mantis to his own planet, leaving Groot and Rocket to repair the ship. While they away, Rocket fights off some Ravagers at night. Not a bad scene, but ultimately he gets captured when Yondu arrives on the scene.

Mantis explains that she’s an empath, a being that feels the emotions of anyone she touches. When she tries to read Gamora, she threatens to cut her down. I’d be willing to bet Mantis could take Gamora. 

On Kurt’s planet, Kurt explains that he, himself is the planet. That’s right, folks. Kurt Russell is fucking Ego, The Living Planet! But… instead of someone with a massive superiority complex, we just have a guy trying to take over the universe. You know, it’s not enough for the characters to have their powers, they kinda need their personalities in check. Sure, make some adjustments to make them more appealing to the audience from time to time (Thor) but otherwise, you fuck up what makes the characters unique. Afterall, we have 4 sarcastic quipy heroes! All taking after Iron Man! That archtype got old fast! 

Anywho, he tells the group that he is also Celestial. Fuck you Gunn!

Wait…. So Starlord is an Eternal!? A being of power equal to that of fucking Thanos!? BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

To explain, the Celestials are big, robot lookin fucks who created the Eternals, a race of godlike humans of which Thanos is spawned from. That’s the short version of it. The Eternals had some sort of civil war and one faction, the Deviantss, made an exodus to Saturn’s moon, Titan. Thanos was the only Titan who was born as a mutant, and was shunned for looking ugly.  IE Thanos the mad Titan.

Unfortunately, because it’s a shit movie, no connection between Thanos and Ego was even made. And Ego ain’t no fucking Celestial! 

Anywho, Ego says he was searching for a purpose to his existence (what a shit lie) and talks about how he met Starlord’s mother. Drax of course talks about how stupid that is for a planet to fuck. Good ol’ awkward and juvenile humor!

Back with Rocket, Yondu gets thrown in the cells with him (I missed something, apparently, I tuned out about a million times) and some guy named Taserface takes over. “Hilarity” ensues. Nebula also makes an empty speech, and then Rocket and Yondu bond. Groot (I forgot the little fuck was in the movie) tries to help them escape, but in an attempt to invoke the old “The Mask” movie, Groot keeps handing them the wrong items. 

I just realized how redundant this team is. You have 2 idiots (Groot, Drax), 2 thieves (Starlord, Rocket) and by the end of the movie, 2 assassins (Gamora, Nebula). Even Suicide Squad had more variety than this!

Anywho, Kraglin (I don’t know who he is) breaks them out and Yondu kills everyone on the ship. They escape through a hyperdrive and…. oh hi Uatu!

 Sucks that you’re wasted cameo #4 with overdone cameo Stan Lee, but hey, you’re in a movie! They wasted a CGI expense, but hey, you’re in a movie! Fanboys will be tickled!

Anywho, backon planet familial drama, Starlord bitches out Ego and then Gamora over Ego because she is suspicious of whats going on. Then she storms out, pissed that Starlord is the main character and not Rocket. Then she’s randomly attacked by Nebula who… stops trying to kill her when they see bones. Well shit! I should invite all my past enemies to have some bone broth soup! INSTANT BUDDIES! Or because she just wanted a sister. Goddamn this is a stupid movie.

Mantis tries to tell everyone that Ego is evil, but Gamora chokes the bitch before she can tell anyone.

Starlord is lured into the central chamber where Ego tells him that he made lots of babies specifically to have a second Celestial to Terraform other planets, and he planted seeds on different planets to kickstart this chain reaction. 

This…. makes…. no… fucking…. sense!

Where do I even begin with this idea!? So… Ego makes an overly complicated plan of terraformation by creating seeds and requiring the birthing of newer Celestials to kickstart this process… but never thought about making regular terraforming bombs or some shit? I don’t have the vaguest idea of why he wants to do this outside of “Duh, he’s Ego and he wants all worlds to be remade in his image because he’s egotistical”  even though this aspect of his personality was never featured in the fucking movie! As it stands, Ego is just evil for evil’s sake, and that shit just doesn’t cut it anymore. People will remember Marvel Heroes, but never Marvel villains because the retards directing the movies never thinks about making compelling villains! 

So Starlord gets raped by tentacles and the terraforming begins! But… because Ego mentioned killing his mother, Starlord gets motivated to kick his ass. And we’re supposed to say “For MOM!”

*sigh* I’m beyond offended that the movie thinks I give a rats ass about his mama. We’re supposed to sympathize with Starlord’s undying love for his mother, something that feels artificially grafted onto the second movie, and feel hyped up when Star bitch gets his revenge. The problem? We can’t get angered by the reveal or wishful for Ego’s comeuppance because we don’t know the bitch!

No, we know that she is Starlord’s mother. I’m saying we dont know her. Why she’s so special. Why we should feel saddened or motivated when we found out how she died. Why we should care about her death in any meaningful way. 
Let’s talk about The Lion King and why Mufasa’s was so powerful. Before he becomes maggot food, the first half of the movie, we’re introduced to this guy. We see who Mufasa is, how he interacts with people, and why he’s very important to Simba beyond just a parental figure. You see the 2 of them interact, laughing and playing in a field together. Even after scolding, Mufasa opens up and still tries to have fun Simba. We get the impression that Mufasa is a cool Dad. So when he dies, the audience loses their shit! Not just because of shock value, but we actually got to know this guy! So it’s like “holy shit, they killed him off!” By that extension, we can sympathize with Simba’s anguish and despair. At the same time, he doesn’t have to exposit about why Mufasa was a great guy to be with. We saw it first hand!

Uncle Ben as well to some degree, though the later Spiderman 3 fucks that up by removing Spiderman’s sense of guilt from the equation. 

Now think about why no one gives a shit about Thomas and Martha Wayne. Aside from DC characters being all about their powers and abilities and nothing more.

What do we see of Starlord’s mother? Jack shit! We start that movie with the bitch croaking, and we’re supposed to care!? Fuck you Gunn! These hack jobs couldn’t write a porno if they tried!

So rocket and Yondu show up and immediately, Rocket gets to work using those batteries to make a bomb to wipe out Ego. In the middle of it all, Mantis manages to block some energy… shit from Ego…. then seems to die. Really!? Fuck you Gunn

Starlord then straps a jet pack on Drax to carry Mantis as he screams about his nipples. *sigh*

I think it needs repeating. I…. HATE…. THIS…. MOVIE!!!! And a big part of why are the Guardians themselves. Their traits are all about acting like clowns for an entire feature film, and they rarely move beyond that. And Drax! Ugh!! It’s kind of a shame that I had to find out later on that Drax in the comics was actually reduced to what he is now in the movies, a brainless twat! So in a weird twist of irony, I actually don’t like it one bit.

Considering his older form had flight, super strength, and cosmic beam attacks, he could’ve been the Thor of this series. But no, lets make him as stupid if not more than Groot. See, I tolerated him in the first film as… his stupidity made sense in some regard. “He’s from a race of literal morons! Everything goes over their heads!” And he was legit funny. Here, he’s an insufferable embarrassment. constantly trying  to make the audience laugh at his childishness. He bursts into laughter simply because Mantis reveals that Starlord wants to bang Gamora!? It’s over doing it. Batista must be desperate for that Rock level of fame if he’s doing this shit.

So 

So any way, while Rocket is trying to teach Groot how to detonate a bomb instead of just…. doing it himself, the Sovereign assholes come out of nowhere and…. are still trying to kill the Guardians? First off, Ego just lets them walk right in!? He needs Starlord alive if he’s to complete his plan, and sovereign want him dead! Ah fuck it.

After fighting them off, we get the standard final battle trope where all the heroes get pinned down one by one right around the time where the villain starts monologing to the main hero of how hopeless their chances of victory are, but the hero makes a snappy remark and then fights with all his might, giving the others a chance to escape…. because it creates so much tension, m I rite!? Fuck this whole shot, man. Bomb detonates, Starlord loses his powers….wait.. what!?

Yeah, apparently killing your father removes your hereditary traits! Fuck you Gunn! What the hell was the point of establishing all this mystery and secrets to why Starlord could survive contact with the Infinity Gem…. if you take away what made him special in the first place!? Goddamn this stupid fuck stick of a movie!

Now powerless, Yondu finds him and wraps him in some air bubble and then flies with him into space. There, he makes a “noble sacrifice”  to keep Starlord alive and…. dies.

Yeah, Yondu was a prick in the first movie so applaud his death. Fuck him. And then the movie forces him onto a pedestal by giving him this big ass funeral (Sylvester Stallone shows up for the funeral, but not the fight? As cheesy as that would’ve been, wtf!?) And then Starlord and Gamora boink. Because their relationship actually developed over the course of 2 movies! And not because Gamora was just a green piece of ass to Starlord (Would’ve been Nova if not for Glenn Close’s pasty raisin ass taking the part).

After credits name drops Adam Warlock (totally didn’t see that coming! -_-) and… that’s it.

Well this was relatively short. I guess because I’m not at all passionate about Guardians of the Galaxy. Hell I barely know anything about them outside of Drax and Rocket Raccoon. But the idea of a Marvel Space Adventure in movie form was something I wanted to see since the Fantastic Bore movies. Instead, these movies broke my balls in a desperate bid to appeal to the lowest common denominator. With juvenile humor, flat and unengaging characters, and a big focus on pretty colors. And with crappy characters, the action itself is less than engaging. Much like the first movie, there’s no real tension, rhyme or reason to what happens on screen. There just has to be an excuse for an action scene because “Super Hero movie!”  

As well.. it’s pretty fucking boring. The first movie had these guys going on an actual adventure, which was something I wanted, going from locale to locale, fighting dangerous enemies along the way. But here, the Guardians spend nost of the movie on Ego’s planet talking about their problems. What is this, Watchmen!? GODDAMMIT,  WHERE’S THE ADVENTURE!? Save the sappy forced daddy drama for Iron Man’s bitch ass. It’s like playing Mass Effect 2, everyone has fuckin daddy issues. I can only pray this won’t be a source of conflict for Black Panther, but seeing how his introduction went…

Insultingly enough, Marvel thinks that by cramming in as many callouts and cameos as possible, the comic book geeks would be assuaged by 3 seconds worth of reference boners to say “They care about the source material!” Like the staff of the Living Tribunal from Doctor Strange. Or Howard the Duck. Twice. It’ll totally make up for the lackluster plot!
 While the Fantastic Four made for boring characters, the Guardians themselves just plain suck. Groot is a TERRIBLE character! This wannabe burlap sack from LittleBigPlanet is just a liability with the brain the size of a Lima bean. Only one piece of dialogue, and the audience is supposed to find him cute and enduring?  His only real contribution was making a barrier to keep his team from dying in a crash. Aside from that? He has done NOTHING of worth! 

Gamora is what Black Widow should be, but is ultimately just an ice queen love interest in an under-developed relationship that is 100% Shallow physical attraction.
I already ranted about Drax and Starlord.

Mantis was dissappointing. Not only is she not a fighter like Gamora, she’s practically invisible to the plot, existing only to be shipped with Drax (yeck) She has the job of being a foreshadowing device and not much else.

Yondu’s turn to a sympathetic character without warning is so forced, you’d think Jak’s sudden ability to talk was natural development.  And here’s a question. If you were just keeping Starlord around to protect him from being sacrificed, why didn’t you just TELL HIM!? I’m pretty sure he’d be more grateful if you weren’t just trying to impress your peers. And lessee, beating his ass when he was a child who just lost his mother was a shitty move on his part, no wonder he resents your blue ass. But…. no! The movie wants me to feel sorry for him and accept that Starlord sees this jackass as his real father! Fuck you Gunn! Good riddance to this asshole.

Rocket Raccoon… remains the best character by virtue of being a major asset. It seems as though any victory by this team hinges on his tactics. And the fact that he’s still moderately funny is a plus. Which begs the question of why he isn’t the main character! Maybe delve into his past of being bio engineered into a deranged killing machine. Maybe have him as the one member everyone underestimates until he goes into action…. which kinda happens in the dark forest scene. But no! Starlord’s daddy issues are much more important to establish his god-like heritage. … and then strip him of anything special at the last minute! 

As for the villains…. everyone is par the course. Ego was definitely better than Ronan the Accuser, having Kurt Russell doesn’t hurt either. And admittedly,  his plan was pretty dark. Making children and then killing them because they were inefficient, then deciding to kill Starlord’s mother to remove any distractions, all fucked up by any degree. That being said, I wonder if the Guardians movies will keep borrowing villains from the other heroes. This guy was a Thor villain, for fuck’s sake! Wasn’t Ronan like… a Fantastic Four villain?

Nebula was shit, Taserface was comic relief, Ayesha was just an ass, Shuma-Gorath was infuriating, and that’s all for the badguys who only have about 7 minutes of screen time total.

It is quite amazing how something so shallow can gain any acclaim.  I figured after Doctor Strange, people would be wary of Marvel’s future offerings. I guess it’s because GotG is different from typical superhero movies in that the “heroes” are really out for themselves,  and if they save anyone’s ass along the way, that’s just a perk. And the setting is different. Instead of being trapped on Earth and being bound by shitty rules, you get to see all these strange and vast places, bizarre races, and interesting futuristic technologies. I guess the shit characters don’t matter when it comes to the possibility of a boundless and vast universe. Something the Thor movies should’ve done, but instead got stuck on Earth for Natalie Portman 

Unfortunately, we don’t even get that in this movie. What we get is a piss take of characters bitching about their problems and forced drama. And the feeling of emptiness in how Ego was handled. Ego could’ve been like an “Inside Story” sequence where he lures the unsuspecting Guardians into his planet, and then have everyone trying to escape an ever shifting planet, while they would be on their way to Thanos or something. That would’ve kicked ass. But no, Starlord’s dad is a planet, cause that makes sense. Shit, man! They could’ve made him the son of Captain Mar-vell and I would’ve been down with that! Cause him being the son of a planet is fucking stupid. This dumb ass movie made so much money, how the fuck…..

All of this Culminating in an underwhelming experience in what was already a mediocre franchise. Guardians of the Galaxy is wasted potential. A space adventure turned space opera at the last minute. Fuck this movie, fuck the people who wrote this chunk of shit, fuck the people who paid to see this load, and Fuck you Gunn! Hack job who makes Kojima look like Shakespeare. Fuck you for ruining Drax, Mantis, and Shuma-Gorath. Fuck you for turning what could’ve been the most expansive MCU entry into a fucking punchline of sex jokes. Fuck you for trying to make Yondu redeemable and failing hard. Fuck you for making Starlord an unlikable douche. Fuck you for not getting Richard Rider in this series. And finally, fuck you for Scooby Doo!

Well, w/e nonsense this movie spewed,  it won’t compare to horrors Spiderman Homecoming will unleash.