Category: Uncategorized


For those living under a rock, the bullshit ass repeal of Net Neutrality had taken place without effective opposition being taken into account, or being taken out by the feminist movement IE Eric Schneiderman. And aside from a million articles that all share the same title of “What‘s next?”, the response to this bit of news is almost lukewarm, which is troubling but… not expected. The oldest trick the government uses is to wait until the public loses interest or gets distracted by some other news until they eventually forget about what it was they were advocating for/against. 

Those who have spoken on this, however, seem more concerned about how streaming services will be affected, or how this could affect gaming since everything is damn near online, or how pricy everything will get. And while the latter concern is most pressing, the 1st 2 aren’t even on the highest level of importance. 

So when people talk about Net Neutrality Being repealed, they instantly think “Omg Netflix and the streaming services! oh the streaming services!” Because everyone uses youtube and NETFLIX so, yeah, this would be everyone’s first concern. But the actual issue is by making such services prohibitively more expensive, they would in effect be censoring original content. 

Youtube is/was a place where you could find hundreds/thousands of different people who offer different avenues of content that you wouldn’t find anywhere else. I bet half the people reading this wouldn’t know of the Nostalgia Critic, ReviewTechUSA, Markiplier, Cinemasins, Dashie, RunJDRun, Black Hokkage, Corykenshin, Etika, all these mother fuckers outside of YouTube. Most or all of their publicity comes from YouTube,  and they’ll be affected by this. Well, not all of them, Doug gets money by overcharging for the price of admission, but that’s aside the point.

So by making Youtube shittier than before, you drive people away to try and seek better streaming services which would be impossible under this horseshit,  but that would be the idea. For instance, say you needed visual instructions on car repair like… replacing a tie rod on your car with some rented tools so you can do it all by yourself with a visual guide. That way, you won’t have to go down to a car shop and hand some cocksuckers over $500, cause those fucks like to get slick. Worded instructions don’t do it for some people, they need visual walkthroughs for that kind of stuff. That kind of info is provided free of charge with no profit gained by the user, so it’s out of his own generosity that he shares that info with the world. By fucking up Youtube, you have effectively silenced that person, and people would be back to getting fucked by those car shops. That is a problem! 

But it won’t stop at these streaming services, which is Unfortunately the narrative that is being pushed, probably unintentionally as they just used as examples of how fucked the internet is. All these independent news sites that give you a different side of news stories? Blogs that present alternative views of media and entertainment? They won’t… we won’t be safe either! And it’s not because they’re afraid of competition since these telecom bastards own media outlets. It’s because them and the government want to silence voices of descent. You think it’s weird that all these MCU movies get perfect reviews every single time even though there are plenty of people who know better. Well that’s the idea, similar to how they fucked Bill Cosby by stacking the deck with all these bought off whores. They gotta bombard you with all this artificial praise so that you don’t think twice about Disney’s propoganda!  Killmonger being a Black Identity Extremist, this made-up monkey shit term. Thanos against overpopulation, that desire to cull the world’s numbers under the pretext of having no resources. Lando Calrisian being Pansexual, code word for pedophile. This out of nowhere new sexual identity they just pushed. And for what!? They don’t want anyone calling that shit out because they know waking mother fuckers up is gonna push back their little agendas, so you make the internet prohibitively expensive, you silence everyone.  Total monopoly on one’s reality. Have everyone think that MCU can do no wrong. Shit, I can tell you that something was wrong when people were dogging out Justice League in favor of propping up Ragnarok. You know that was a narrative being framed!

Hell, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say there was this national media agenda to demonize the ever loving shit out of black men as being Malevolent sexual predators, and Killmonger was that big push. He’s up here killing women left and right, choking an elderly woman, just embodied everything that could described as “Toxic Masculinity” or w/e bullshit they came up with. They’re going after Black celebrities that clearly didn‘t do shit to women, Morgan Freeman of all people… and I do recall seeing that Issa Rae, that treacherous snake, talking about season 3 of insecure is gonna be about “Black Masculinity”. 

They don’t want people calling that shit out! So you repeal NN to shut everyone the fuck up! That way, just like television, they give you one universal narrative and no alternative perspective to make you think otherwise.

Unfortunately, that is the goal. Internet Censorship. It is VeriCom’s way of turning back the clock to a time where the elites have the power to shape your perception and reality. They’ve been targeting the internet for years for censorship. SOPA, PIPA, FISA, all that shit! This ain’t the first time they tried killing the internet. It’s the same reason they want to police and ban videogames, ain’t never had shit to do with gun violence, but everything to control content! MGS2, DmC, Deus Ex, all that! Another alternative media perspective that they have yet to control. This is all censorship, and no one’s saying it far as I’m aware. 

But everyone is on that damn streaming services shit, man to hell with that! There’s far more important shit online than whether or not you can watch a damn video without any buffering in between. But because everyone is obsessed with entertainment, we ignore everything else that goes on behind the scenes. Don’t get between a mother fucker and his damn Netflix! Net Neutrality isn’t about online video sites, but every time I look up Net Neutrality, this is the first/only thing people talk about.  Youtube, Hulu, Netflix. It’s gonna be a helluva lot worse than video services, but no one is coming out and saying it. This is paving the road to censorship.

Yeah I get it. Those who’re talking about NN are merely using them as examples, but they’re primarily discussing the anti-competitive aspects alone. We’re not looking at those who use the internet, not only as a utility but also as a platform to have a voice. One that could potentially tip the scales of influence in their favor. Removing that scale altogether would be the real goal as then, they would have control of all the information you get online. Not just on those video sites, but blogs, wikis, alternative news outlets, etc. An entire apparatus of information monopoly will be put into place.

And for the record, for all the dumb mother fuckers who keep spittin “Well, we didn’t have NN before Obama!” We weren’t in a good position back then!

Stupid mother fuckers. Peep the 2007 deal. Pearl Jam getting blocked for criticising Bush! I ain’t bullshittin, this is a censorship apparatus! I’m tellin yall, we’re gonna start looking a lot like china. Probably priming us up for when they call in that debt. Disney already kissing their asses every chance they get, like they’re makeshift representatives. Oh we gotta kiss China’s asses! Cause their standards will be the ones to follow in the near future! 

Best case scenario is that this is political theater for the house to “save” NN in time for midterm elections. Too much of a long shot, but eh.

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Well…. it’s working! 

And did I hear this right? Those Assholes finally put Ridley in Smash Bros? 

Cool! Now squeeze in one of the Rays from custom robo and you might have a deal!

Doom Eternal? Eh, I’ll probably give it a shot. I didn’t hate the last game I played. 

Jump Force, I’m not touching another Namco Arena game until they fix that stupid combo trap nonse…. ohhh is dat Light Yagami!?

Someone already clued me in to Naughty Dog who’s basically hustling controversy for clicks. Ellie is gay now. Are they gonna fix the artificial difficulty? And what part of the country are they at where they can these loud ass parties and dances without zombies fucking them in the ass?

….I might have to try Cyberpunk. 

This E3 ain’t as bad as I thought it would be. DMC5 was a lousy first impression. 

There seems to be this…. common pattern in a lot of entertainment that very few talk about, and it’s one that’s starting to bug me.

Right now I’m going through Mafia 3 and… I don’t know if I should post about it as I’m sure everyone is tired of race talk, but that’s neither here or there. The game is lowkey self-indulgence for those who made the game, but… that’s not the issue. You see, the game has a black main character which i’m sure infuriated the assholes online, who’s primary enemies are white, particularly those of the supremacist persuasion, there’s only one instance of them fighting some Haitians at the beginning, but overall, you have primarily white enemies to deal with.

What bugs me is Lincoln Clay’s (pictured above) few allies, primarily the CIA agent Donovan. Now… unlike the asshole Ross from that sneak fuck of a movie, there are no… contextual issues with him working with him considering the background story of old war buddies… aside from the issue that, iirc, the army was largely segregated back in those days, but that’s aside the point. Donovan provides Lincoln with all the information he needs to take down Sal Marcano, the Don of the New Orleans Mafia. Aside from that, he’s mostly harmless and is more interested in finding conspirators against JFK. Whatever.

 But see, that’s the thing. It’s a Black main character fighting against a large ensemble of white enemies, including the KKK, but at the same time, he’s getting help from a token white guy. That by itself wouldn’t be problematic even if it is contrived as fuck. But I notice this pattern with movies that has a black hero fighting against a legion of white guys, and there’s always another white guy there who has to, in some capacity, show him the ropes. It’s simply impossible for him to ward off the badguys without the guidance from this white mentor figure.

Blade had Cutter who made all his weapons and apparently raised him (which isn’t even canon if I remember correctly, Blade was taught to kick ass by a black dude)

Steel had some paraplegic bitch who made him weapons.

Spawn had to learn to use his own powers by some Gandulf wannabe.

Prototype 2 had the brother in that game getting help from Mercer’s Sister.

The woman from “Remember Me” was largely assisted by European computer.

Hancock had to learn to be a better hero via a family man/PR dude. Or just about any Will Smith movie for that matter.

Django was basically Leo’s bitch.

Not sure if Black Panther counts. Ross was pretty irrelevant, but BP was fighting another black man so he’s unnecessary. 

About the only times this wasn’t the case was with Action Jackson and Undercover Brother. I don’t remember Catwoman all to well. 

What’s the big deal? Well, take it from a person who commented on Cowboys and Aliens. “It would be nice if we could save ourselves for a change” It sends the message that dealing with certain enemies requires tacid “permission” from they who share the same race. And no, I don’t approve of Sheva Alomar from RE5.
I’d like to talk more about this kind of shit, but with Net Neutrality being dead, that might not even be possible anymore. 

Oooooh yes, even Capcom want dat merch money. Thanks a lot Cars franchise for making 6 billion off toys alone.

It’s about to get ultimate up in here!”

Behold the true horror that is Rogic.

Damn, this looks like shit. I can’t even defend this. I don’t. .. what’s worse? The voice acting or the dialogue!? Travis Willingham and Kirk Thornton are shit with these characters. 

Coming off the heels of Transformed, this is looking to be an underwhelming follow-up. It looks like the first All-Stars Racing game with Wisps, Sonic characters only, and SHITTY MUSIC! There seems to be a new version of the turbulence system from Sonic Riders, or drafting techniques from particular racing games like Ridge Racer Unbounded. And it looks just as tedious as it was in that game.

Stupidly enough, I feel inclined to say that Wisps probably fit better in a game like this rather than a main entry title, but my pride says “fuck all that noise”. I am sick of those fucking little cheaply made PBS early child edutainment doodles that they shove into everything! No one, not even the retarded Nintendo fans want that shit! I get the feeling that Iizuka is going through some. .. Aonuma phase of trying to show the value of something no one wants by shoving in things people don’t. .. fucking… want. 

Hell, if you’re gonna use those little shits, have them be similar in spirit to the Wispons from Forces and operated in a similar fashion to Extreme-G on the N64 where you could use whatever weapons you equipped before a race. I think it was Extreme-G, I can’t even remember. But instead of that, lets retread to Mario Kart territory once again. At the very least, thus far, the power-ups are balanced compared to that shit fest.

The track alone looks like it was ripped out of Crash Bandicoot, that doesn’t bode well for the rest of the game.

Honestly, there’s nothing to get worked up over. Tis a cheap spinoff with no asperations to be anything but a holdover until they make real shit again. And lets not fall into the “Early Build” fallacy as we did for Forces. Sega has been mass producing sonic games for years now, and the final build rarely has any difference from the beta. But hell, they aren’t even trying with this one. Just take out everything that made the previous 2 games unique, reuse a few assets, don’t even bother making the game look good, yeah this is most painfully obvious sign that Sonic is just some extra side revenue for Sega’s other properties.

Damn, I forgot Mania Plus comes out this month.

It was so close (Doom 4)

First Person Shooters have come a long way since the early days of gaming. What was once a genre based around you fighting against enemies and ammo conservation, getting lost in long sprawling maps, has evolved into an unspeakable evil of children crying over their mics about the horrors of camping. 

I don’t know where I’m going with that. I remember playing Doom 2 on the PC during a time of irresponsibility on my father’s part. 😛 All I did was press fire, while he did all the moving and aiming, and we actually beat that shit all those years ago. The final level was this big ass staircase where shooting some head on a spike was considered a final boss, I guess. And this was all on keyboard. No mouse was needed because precision aiming wasn’t a concept. Or at least I don’t remember. Been a long time.

These days, I can’t even imagine how you’d play todays FPSs on a mouse and keyboard. The way I see it, that’s too many controls to remember. How’s that for feeling old? The problem with today’s FPSs is that developers have this stick up their ass about how many guns you’re allowed to carry, how much ammo you can regain, and how fast you can die because regenerative health makes it so they have to create an artificial downside that forces you to take cover and stop fighting. These bastards are prone to artificial difficulty, and this goes unmitigated by everyone’s desire to shove RPG elements into the genre to further increase the artificiality. Now if you want an easier fight, just allocate some points to vaguely helpful skills that amount to nothing. Titanfall 2 was a wonderful break from most of that nonsense, but as short as that game was, a break is all it could ever be.

And then there’s Doom 4 (or just “Doom”), a game that promised to go back to the good ol days of blasting away legions of enemies with no regenerative health, faster pacing, no ducking and covering, the real shit. None of this pussy-footing with strategy, camping, quick scoping, or limited weapon storage. Frantic, unrestrained chaos is what this game offered!

And they weren’t lying! The game is exactly what they promised. It’s everything I was missing from FPS’s since the rise of CoD and the fall of Timesplitters. And yet… it doesn’t exactly satisfy me.

It’s not the length, not the actual gameplay itself…. it’s something else that’s off. Maybe i’d have to be an actual Doom fan to gel with it, but that shouldn’t be an issue.

I start up the game, waiting for the install to finish, and when it finishes, I find that… well, I can only play 2 levels because it didn‘t actually finish installing. Whole time, I thought the damn game was bugged. But that’s “eh”

The game starts off with you on some operating table, you break loose with your massive Popeye arms and slaughter zombies with a little pistol before shortly getting an updated version of the ol’ Doomguy armor that these young cats would mistake for a bootleg Master Chief. Afterward, you get the title sequence with heavy metal blasting all over the place. As I go through the game, I see the carnage, the gallons o’ blood, satanic imagery, and heavy metal music, and grotesque enemy designs with MK style finishers, and I’m sitting here thinking “this is the whitest game ever!” Only thing missing are the blond bimbos with bazooka boobs.

The first 3-4 levels are alright. Large sprawling maps with various areas and secrets to discover. But by now, I start noticing the increase in minibosses. These bastards take an assload of bullets to put down just by themselves. And that’s where I started running into problems. As I progress, the enemies become increasingly difficult to kill, as all of my previous weapons (the ones that have the most ammo) become shit in the face of countless minotaurs, cyclopids, and fat bastards that swarm you in droves. Even the more powerful weapons quickly become useless. 

I manage to get through the game despite all of it, but by the end, it’s more exhausting than it should. A constant barrage of bullet sponges is simply bad game design, a lesson that should’ve been learned from Ratchet All4One.

At least… that’s what I thought.

See, I still wanted to go through and find some of those secret areas and unlock the older levels, but it was during a rerun of the first (or 3rd level, I can’t remember) level that I unlocked some hidden challenges, by which completing them, I gained new abilities and some perks that made my combat shotgun useful.

“Dafuq”!?

So I go through the whole game a second time and started doing…. everything, ignoring that I was basically doing fetch quests. And the game got 100% easier. I was suddenly steamrolling enemies without breaking a sweat. What would be 10-15 minutes boiled down to 5 at worst. Finally,  D4 could be exactly what it promised to be. Frantic, non-stop action with little to no hangups.

So in truth, Doom 4 really is that “true” FPS fix I’ve been missing for a generation…. but only if I jump through some fucking hoops. I think if it had actually been less geared towards perks, fetch quests, and measly challenges, Doom 4 would’ve been fantastic. But for now it’s alright. Probably ruined it myself for blasting through the game, forgetting that it’s still made for the COD addicts and achievement whores.

Story makes no sense either. This crazy woman is on mars but she wants to open a gate to hell…. why? Eh… excuse plot is excuse plot, I suppose. 


The hell kind of name is Tariq Nasheed?

I could’ve sworn this dude wrote pimping books. 

Anywho, it’s kinda odd how soon after this “broadcast”, this happens. 

Now… I thought Swatting or w/e occurred over online games, what the hell happened here?

Alright, back to games….

To be quite honest, I didn’t know what to expect from kof14. I wasn’t particularly thrilled with 13, and it’s roster and gameplay was far from reassuring that SNK knew what they were doing. The only thing I enjoyed after spending so much time on it was fiddling with color palettes. And dealing with Saiki, the game’s boss, was simply torture. 

13 was pretty much just SNK reliving their glory days, a disease that affected the whole Japanese gaming industry for the greater half of last gen. Certainly showed with trademark SNK boss syndrome. While 13 wasn’t technically bad, it certainly left a lot to be desired. And nerfing everyone not named “Kim” was particularly grating. Who’s idea was it to regress Kyo of all people back to his pre-96 incarnation!? That’s a genius idea! Give him the piddly weak ass moves of yester decade!

yeah, 13 was pretty lousy. 14, on the other hand, was quite the surprise. Either that or Injustice 2 was so terrible that this game smells like roses.

Firstly… if you’ve played a King of Fighters game in the past, nothing has really changed in terms of general gameplay. And looking at fighting games today, it’s probably for the best. The character’s abilities, all of them, are 100% offensive based. Shit, 99%, forgot about Chin’s drunk ass. But yeah, every single character is built to be aggressive in some capacity. There isn’t a single fighter that is a unique snowflake in terms of gameplay. Some might be more difficult to use than others, but they have fucking attacks. One thing I noticed, no one has any of those worthless and gimmicky stances that seemed to be all the rage for some time.

Now, the one thing I could criticize in that department is that some characters have to do certain moves before having access to their other moves. Newcomers, Nelson and Gang-Il both have to do certain attacks before they can utilize their full arsenal. One of those “Combo Ring” characters reminiscent of Long and Shenlong from the incredibly underrated Bloody Roar Series. K-Dash and Angel have the same issue. It just makes them more tedious to play because they operate on 3D fighting game logic like Tekken, and it doesn’t quite work in a game where spacing and spamming fireballs are more effective than learning some retarded combos. You know, that whole “Work Smarter, not harder” approach. It’s a great thing that a good chunk of the roster follows this logic rather than being experimental garbage like Nelson.

Goddamn, if that ain’t a way to keep the black man down…. him and Bandeires. And I noticed the Japanese tend to do this, the more appealing and obviously black characters are always “South American”. Sean Matsuda, Lisa from Dead or Alive, Eddie Gordo…

Speaking of which, there’s a sizable portion of new characters this time around, instead of the full roster of retreads we had back in 13. And somehow, they had the excuse of including Nakoruru from Samurai Shodown. The characters are very hit and miss, design wise. 

You’ve got folks like the South American (Black) team, Kim’s new teammates…. and that’s it for the ones that look like actual fighters. Everyone else is an anime trope. You have a fighter who sleeps all the time, but has a supah secwet powah that makes him supah important in future games. He’s basically another Bao as far as I’m concerned. Then you have some retarded highschool student with headphones and a pulled up pants leg, yeah that totes doesn’t look out of place, even for KOF. You have some random, half-naked pirate who can summon lightsabers, the obligatory chinese kungfu chick that loves to eat dumplings,  another kung fu chick who changes masks and is also a total bitch, some crazy lady who wants to be a pikachu with eyeballs everywhere…. It’s like SNK was at war with ASW over who can make the weirdest-but-stylish anime tropes, and SNK is losing. Unless we bring up Blazblue. ..

But, you won’t have to worry about looking at most of the new characters because frankly…. a lot of them suck. They’re stacked with some useless moves that when compared to the brokenness that is Kim, Iori, and Benimaru, they might as well not exist. Nelson, Sylvie, and Bandeires are all beyond shitty, and it’s a wonder they were even approved. Perhaps most of the roster was made to fill a quota for teams of 3, otherwise you’d have more than one useful character per team. 

As for returning characters, eh, they could be better. You still have some bad retreads like Vice and Mature, the Ikari Warriors are still taking up slots for better character choices, and I swear they only brought back the useless Angel for this shit.

I feel the prudeness welling up inside me! I may be going to the darkside!

But when you look at the full animation of that super move, it’s like they ignored details of wrestling moves just to make  some self-indulgent cock-tease. And you have to ask yourself “what’s the point of Mai Shuranui?”.

Chang and Choi definitely need to be purged from the series. Hell, if you’re gonna bring back anyone, give us Kushnood, Hotaru, or Gato. Or absolutely anyone but TIZOC!

Just… no! He’s always been shit.

Now, outside of characters,  the actual game is far more accessible than previous KOF titles by far, mainly as the timing for a lot of the moves are far more lenient even when actual commands are not. And… the rush attacks. Man, if this isn’t a J-Fighting trend i’d love to see crash and burn. It’s essentially the autocombos from…. every ASW fighter since Blazblue. It’s there to placate the newbs who don’t do KOF. The new characters are very easy to pick up even if they’re no good, and are pretty flashy to boot. 

So it would seem that SNK was taking steps to attract newer audiences. It’s an easier game, there’s no SNK boss syndrome, there’s alll these animu tropes running around (Shun’ei is just the worst), and there must be silicone in the water in gracious ol Nippon, even Leona is trying to compete. This is unprecedented for a company known for making impossible fighting games with a high barrier to entry, with the exception of Garou. So damn if it ain’t nice of them to throw their audience a bone.
But those bones could’ve been thrown to the budget too. Is it just me or does this game look horrifically dated!? The visual design is reminiscent of the Dreamcast/Early 2000s. And not just graphically. The character models really do look and feel like they jumped out of Virtua Fighter 4 back on the PS2.  The look and feel of the menus all the way down to the actual fighting makes me feel old. I could’ve sworn I was playing a better version of Street Fighter EX! And the character models, particularly the faces, don’t look right for certain people. Kyo just looks…. scary, and Iori comes off as highschool aged. And then there’s Athena.

It’s like she’s staring into my soul!

Damn, that bitch is creepy! It doesn’t take long to adjust since everyone else doesn’t suffer from scarytis, but I’m sure this is a complaint everyone latched on to even though 8bit graphics are a fad they’ll support until the end of time. Just think how many of those folks turned around and bought axiom verge. 

The stages look nice, though, even with it’s old ass graphics. Now the music… well… this is SNK, expecting a good soundtrack after KOF2K is like expecting an indy game to be good. Iori and Ryo get lucky with each game, but even this one is lacking. SNK just doesn’t have good taste in music. I don’t think hard rock fits Kim, and the last thing kyo needs is another rendition of his 96 theme. Everyone else is largely forgettable, and the Fatal Fury team always has shitty themes. I think it’s appropriate to try and branch into different tunes for certain teams rather than try to keep the music similar to older ones, especially if they were never good in the first place.

As for the story? Well, the King of Fighters tournament is hosted by a Russian idiot. And some weird….ogre from Tekken attacks just out of randon during the final round of the tournament. You’d have to play every team to find out everything that’s going on, but the gist is that this monster is bringing back dead people from the past. But the actual tournament has nothing to do with that. Plus, some of the endings go nowhere and instead go into the complexities of running a restaurant or how the music industry struggles with modern technology. Cause the Japanese like to talk about how much knowledge they possess about certain fields, they just love rubbing that in people’s faces. 

All in all, 14 is… alright. It’s not spectacular or even trying to be. It’s a simple fighting game to a T. And in this market where everyone is trying to up the anti on gimmicks and fargone in their misguided quest to insert RPG elements and one-upping ASW, it’s definitely a breath of fresh air. But i’d definitely find a copy for cheap. Can you believe assholes are charging over 30 bucks for this shit!?

Why are prices for used PS4 games so damn high!? Aint narry one of them good enough to warrant these prices! 

Can he shoot upwards, tho!?
Nope… doesn’t seem like it QQ

Now if only we can get an MMX9…..

If only…

Cape Shit 6 (Contrived War)

Well that was a landslide vote. 😛

Not gonna bother with an intro paragraph, lets just get on wit it. And yes, this is Infinity War I’m talking about. 

Based off of Part 1 alone, you only really need to watch the Cap and Thor trilogies. Maybe Guardians 1, though that would be advocating torture. Literally, everything else can be skipped and you won’t have missed any details. 

The film kicks off where Ragnarok ended, by having a large fight that isn’t even shown. We just get the aftermath. Poo. Thor has gotten his ass whooped again (man, for the supposed strongest Avenger, Disney sure makes him look bad in all of these movies.) Hulk also tries to show off his OP status, but eh, it’s Thanos. So he’s fucked. Thanos goads Loki into giving up the Cosmic Cube IE Space Gem (It’s so retarded the gems are hidden behind shit like this), and proceeds to kill Loki and Heimdall… sorry, Idris Elba, cause who gives a fuck what the token Asgardian’s name is. You know he was gonna die early on.

On Earth, Bruce was transported to the Sanctum Santorum where he warns Strange and Wong about Thanos and his lust for gems like some cracked out version of Lex Luthor. And ofcourse, the first asshole he reaches out to is Iron Ass.

Apparently, he got married to Pepper Potts off-screen, because apparently we were supposed to care about a relationship that developed off-screen. Strange drops by to pick him up. Stark antics ensue. Oy! We just can’t go one…. fucking movie without his horse shit, huh? While Strange and Stark show how much they hate each other, Thanos’s army of 2 guys start invading Earth!

And before you get too excited, we have the Annoying Spiderman! I admit his introduction scene was legitimately funny, but it’s in no way due to Spiderman’s input.

And… for some reason, Bruce can’t Hulk up. I guess that ass-whoopin was so bad, Hulk quivers in fear of Thanos. That being said, Stark rips off Black Panther by phasing in his Iron Man suit (Because the CGI work is cheaper? And cause white boys are copycats, fuck. Everytime I see him now, it’s gonna be “NANOMACHINES SON!”). Fight ensues. I honestly don’t know who this psychic guy is, but he tears ass on Strange, Iron Ass, and wimpy Spiderman. Strange gets captured and transported to the mother ship or w/e, and Asshole & Wimp both follow him, and Wimpy gets his now overrated Iron Spider Costume. 

Fuck that costume. They decided to blend in elements of Iron Spiderman and Spider-Armor Mark 4. Design wise. But… this is the only reason he’s in this movie,  Because fanboys just wanted to see this retarded costume in live action. Nevermind that he’s just there in the movie to placate the morons that paid to see that piece of shit homecoming movie, and validate their petty contribution to Disney viewership. 

Hulk stays behind to make a phone call while wong goes to protect the Sanctum Santorum, and then we’re randomly in space where *groans*…. the Guardians of the Galaxy are singing karaoke. Fuck, even their introduction is ass-splittingly obnoxious. They receive an SOS from Thor’s ship, and find that hilarity ensues. Thor gets rescued from the vacuum of space, recovers, and makes Starlord jealous because Gamora has more in common with Thor than otherwise. He also calls Rocket a Rabbit for some reason. Thor initiates a plan to make a new hammer (I can’t spell that shit) and search for the reality gem/aether that he left in the collector’s possession at the end of Thor 2. So they split into 2 groups.

Ok… now… this is a dumb plan and is really contrived when you get right down to it. In that fucking awful Ragnarok movie, it was explained that the hammer was merely a conduit for channeling Thor’s power which, by the end of the fucking movie, he was able to use without the hammer! But here, he needs a new one!? Character development, what’s that!? We need to make an easter egg to Ultimate Marvel! I swear, if they use Infinity War as an excuse to reboot the MCU to follow the Ultimate universe….

Anywho, after the retards have their stupid plan, back on Earth we find big tittied Olsen Witch and her freakishly human Vision who were sneaking out for a date… like they’re children or something,  and then they are attacked by Thanos’s goons. Conveniently, no civilians were in the area during the fight.

They should honestly win this fight considering how OP Witch and Vision are, but we needed an excuse for 3 weaker heroes to make their entrance. Yes folks, Captain America, Blonde Widow, and the Trump supporting Falcon have all returned,  and while Cap wasn’t shaving for football (He really IS an American hero) and Widow changes her appearance as a reference to Yelena Boliva (the other Black Widow), they got lazy and said “Fuck the Falcon!” Perhaps I didn’t notice any real change, but he had no aesthetic upgrades whatsoever. 

So they save the 2 wuv birds and go to Avengers base… I think? Thunderbolt Ross gets pissy about Cap and his allies all arriving at once and orders the paraplegic War Machine to arrest them… ignoring the fact that a fucking Alien invasion nearly took place, and another attack happened somewhere in Europe. But bureaucratic laws that weren’t yet ratified, yeah that’s real important!  Senile bastard. 

Of course War Machine ignores Ross’s orders because pff! He’s paralyzed, the fuck can he do? They could just tip his ass over and he wouldn’t do nothing about it. Hulk also arrives, contributing nothing to the plot besides exposition, and the gang deciding that oh shit, the mind stone makes Vision a permanent target to attacks, so it’s best to yank that shit out and hide it better. Or better yet, Vision could remain permanently phased so that no one can touch him. Literally would solve everything until Thanos comes around with his bullshit, but we need the heroes to be idiots about this because dammit, we need to fuck up Wakanda to stave off the sting of Black Panther’s success.

Speaking of which, how often are they gonna reference White Wolf? It’s really irritating! T’Coona tells Bucky to get off his ass, it’s time to fight. Buuuut right after we finally get back to Dr. Strange who is getting the worst acupuncture treatment ever. Iron Cunt and Spider bitch both concoct a plan to save Strange via blow up a wall to suck out nameless wizard, and that Iron Spider Costume gets shilled hard in this scene. 

How can anyone like that ugly ass Iron Spider Costume is beyond me. It’s insulting that they mixed it in with the Spider-Armor Mark 4, literally everything special about Spiderman is given to Iron Ass. Fuck, did I mention that already!? I had no idea how infuriating this is!

And to drive it all home, Iron Ass proceeds to act like a child and gets into another pissing contest with Strange. 

Your head is too big for that helmet” HA!

And to drive that point even further how much Iron Ass eats a dick, he suggests “taking the fight to Thanos”

Ladies and gentlemen,  here is pure proof that Tony Stark is indeed the absolute worst character in the entire MCU. He is suggesting…. that instead of keeping an Infinity Gem far the hell away from Thanos’s crazy ass, you take it to him thinking you can actually fight him! Lets review. Early on in the movie, you had 3 decent fighters on Earth. Iron Ass’s  deus Ex tech could’ve analyzed fight patterns and power levels to find the best strategy possible of beating 2 generals. A rookie like Spiderman held his own against the likes of Captain America, Falcon, and Winter Soldier, and found the solution to defeating Giant Man. Plus Spidey Sense is just OP. And Dr. Strange was clearly buffed to god-like status just so he isn’t shitty like he was in his origin movie.

AND YOU ALL GOT RAPED BY 2 GENERALS! 

Clearly, Tony Stark, world super genius, was mentally impaired by those early chest pieces because he isn’t thinking at all. If you all got whooped by 2 mere generals that should’ve been chump change, you have no chance against a person they are choosing to follow! Especially one that made both Thor and Hulk, The Top Tier most powerful Avengers, his hoes. Hulk got his manhood cucked. This is literally unthinking! The odds are stacked against you!

Dr. Strange was fucking captured! That alone says your odds are terrible! 

Oh don’t give me that “well Thanos is gonna keep chasing them no matter what! So why not go and fight him now?” Because they’ll fucking lose! And you want to bring an Infinity Gem with you, mother fucker!? You’re just giving him freebies!

MCU Iron Man is a goddamn idiot! And his conceit only makes him more unbearable. But we’ll cave into his insanity because Disney wants to shill this asshole for all his worth. Seriously, has he ever been useful in any fight that wasn’t

A: His own creations?

And

B: His own allies?

or just making shoddy repairs!? This is the same retard that wants to take the fight to a guy who steamrolled Hulk! Prep time, mother fucker, do you use it!?!?!?

Anywho, the Guardians track down Thanos to the space mines from Guardians 1 where he killed the collector and took the Reality Gem. After scaring little children by turning Mantis into blinking springs, this movie wants to insult my intelligence in believing that Starlord and Gamera had any real chemistry outside of some interracial sex. Early on, Gamora made this retard promise to kill her if Thanos caught her because she’s the only person who knows where the Soul Gem is. Starlord tries to shoot her, but makes bubbles instead. *Snicker* dumbass. You really thought Thanos was gonna let you shoot his own daughter? 

So he gets away, basically interrogates Gamora through guilt trips (that didn’t make any sense, I know) and generally scares audiences everywhere by saying his plan is all population control. 

…..what?

Yeah. Apparently Thanos cares about overpopulation in a massive fucking polyverse! How big is space!? We don’t know! But shit! Billions upon billions of planets that span multiple galaxies…. is too small! I…. amma! This has to be the most contrived load of shit I’ve ever heard in my life. 

Originally, Thanos had become obsessed with Death. Not the concept, but an actual entity. … with boobs. Yes folks, pussy was the entire motivation for Thanos’s genocide. And I know most of you have played the Deadpool game, yes that death. Same one that Thanos wants to tap… prefers Deadpool instead. Kinda like the box office, hehe.

Yeah, that just wouldn’t look good on a script, so instead Disney plays the role of  a Malthusian Illuminati group and expresses their desires through Thanos. This is why Thanos’s plan can be inherently retarded, but movie goers would still think he’s on some deep logic… because movie goers are idiots. 

Moving on, he tortures Nebula (I keep forgetting this woman exists, she does nothing in all of these movies) to force Gamora into revealing where the Soul Gem is…. and they go to this place to be greeted by the Red Skull (a contrived easter egg, don’t get too excited) who tells him that he must sacrifice the one he cares for in order to get it.

bye bye Gamora, I never cared about you.

Seriously though, all the Gems up until this point were just hidden amongst different objects, now there’s a fucking test of resolve? It feels like this segment was only done to create a dramatic scene to make Thanos a morally conflicting character rather than adding to the mythos of the Infinity Gems. Cause…. what the fuck does the power to manipulate souls have anything to do with sacrificing a loved one!? I’m not seeing the connection. 

And seriously…. Thanos is not a sympathetic character!  He is a rat bastard who would do anything for power! Man, Disney is on a roll to manipulate people into think Thanos’s population control plan is legit. Even when they have to make Thanos into a Pussy.

You know, that’s rich. Killmonger was spittin real shit in regards to liberating Black folks, but was written to be nothing more than a heartless bastard. Thanos wants fucking genocide,  but he’s written to be a sympathetic villain. Man, if they didn’t run a game on people…..

Back on Earth, the Avengers all go to Wakanda to meet with King Coon.

I always find myself going to you for help”

I think I caught a Little sub-text there, did Cap express resentment in needing Wakanda’s help? He said that like “Dammit, I gotta come back to these jungle bunnies again? Yah stupid Coal Tiger”. What? He is from the 40s. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be so negligent toward Falcon so often. Matter of fact, he doesn’t seem to notice that Bucky exists. Maybe that old age is catching up to him, he seems incredibly detached from the world around him.

Seriously, these Secret Avengers are just there! They are lifeless, unenthusiastic,  and are largely obligatory to the whole damn plot. Clear evidence that the directors didn’t know how to give attention to anyone but The Guardians because these guys are just there for the sake of continuity. You’re better off watching one of those power ranger crossovers, at least the action has less cuts.

Anywho, these idiots want to extract Vision’s Mind Gem in a way that leaves Vision alive (which is impossible because it’s his power source you goddamn fools) and conveniently enough, they just so happen to have a device for extracting Infinity Gems from robots.

Sorry, I just got a headache from that. They have, at the ready, a device for extracting Infinity Gems! What the literal fuck…..

I know I’m supposed to suspend disbelief at some point…. but now this damn movie wants me to believe the Wakandans all this time knew a damn thing about the Infinity Gems enough to prepare a device just for extracting them out of a robot’s head! Because they knew deep down that they would always need to extract gems from androids!

The Russos are probably better at keeping track of details if left to their own devices, but for Disney, they have to subject themselves to PIS and CIS for every scene, it appears. This shit is only here so that they could have a tower defense scene ala Wakandan desecration. And right on cue, Thanos’s goons attack with their army of….. holy shit, are those the snarks!? From the Power Pack!?

Anywho, they brought back Man-Ape and his ilk, because Disney is pure evil. And the war for Wakanda is on!

But  on to something more interesting, Iron Ass and his bitch crew get into a fight with the Guardians. .. and Iron Ass loses to Starlord!?

*maniacal laugh*

Ahem, not that I’m complaining but… how the fuck… did Iron Man with all his NANOMACHINES SON! Get downed by a drunken retard with Jet boots? See, again,  Iron Man ain’t worth a tit in a throw down unless he actually knows who he’s dealing with. Otherwise,  he just can’t adapt on the fly. He has no fighter’s instinct, he’s 100% reliant on his tech. And people worship this simp!? Because he’s witty!? Man, MCU fans get bought off on lip service alone. Literally. 

After that misunderstanding, we finally have the totality. The convergence of the 3 most unlikable jackasses in the MCU. Iron Man, Starlord, and Strange. 4 if you include that fucking Spiderman….. Iron Man, for a change, actually discusses tactics!  Whaaaaat!? He’s actually planning ahead!? It’s a medical breakthrough! Ironically, he gets pissed at Drax….. because he yawned. Hilarity ensues. 

Oh yeah, Thor gets his new hammer and goes  to Earth to assist the Wa-… *chuckles*

Goddammit. It’s just…. Bucky swinging around Rocket while shooting their guns…. that’s actually hilarious! This movie needs more rocket racoon.

Anyway, they (Strange’s group) waits until Thanos arrives to take his time gem, and when he does, he waxes poetic about killing everyone on his homeworld of Titan because overpopulation. And all this time, I thought it was because the other Titans shunned him for looking like Darkseid!

They all gang up on Thanos and restrain him to take his glove off, with Mantis mindfucking him. This was actually a good plan…. until Starlord proves to be a liability. Damn, the screenwriters couldn’t have telegraphed this failure anymore if they tried. Upon hearing Gamora is dead, Starlord ruins the plan by slapping Thanos silly, breaking his trance and fuckng up everything.

You know, I can’t even be mad at Starlord because you know, obviously, this nigh perfect plan had to fail for one reason or another. Still, I would’ve rather the plan go south as a Result of Thanos’s will rather than Starlord throwing a temper tantrum because now the blame for the destruction of the universe lay at his feet. You would think the Avengers Movies would give everyone equal shine, but multiple characters get shafted in favor of others, and are reduced to liabilities. It makes the characters look bad, and by the end, he won’t have a chance to redeem himself.

So Thanos starts ripping ass, and Strange stops fucking aroundHoly fuck! The magical fight sequences you wanted from the Dr. Strange movie is all here!!!

Unfortunately, he loses (Well shit, he was their best line of defense) And now it’s up to Iron Ass to….oh shit, he got stabbed!?

HAHAHA HE GONE! HE FINALLY GONE! YES LAWDZ, THANK YAH! Boy, I’m as tickled as coon at the Black Panther premier! 

My wish has finally come true! After a decade of enduring his conceited ass, he’s finally going to di-…. oh piss, he used NANOMACHINES SON!!!

GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT! !!!

He’s like a cockroach! Strange gives Thanos the time gem, and he proceeds to Earth to kick the god living shit out of the secret Avengers,  delivering to Cap his signature one punch death, and killing Vision. Now with all six gems, the universe is officially fucked. People start turning into dust….. hey, more subtext!

So, Thanos’s plan is all population control…. and the majority of deaths are centered on the Wakandans…. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

And MCU Cap must be jesus or something,  how did  he survive  a death punch from Thanos!?

Anywho, people are dying, Spiderman cries like a little bitch, and Thanos just chills. Yep, he is completely unstoppable now… unless these retarded MCU fans are trying to hype up on some rape victim as a potential champion to defeat Thanos. No, Ms. Marvel can’t beat Thanos at this point.  He didn’t lose in the Infinity Gauntlet saga, he had to willingly give up the damn glove after getting bored of being awesome.

*sighs*

You know, the Russos at least know how to make  a movie interesting. So I could definitely give them credit where that’s due. Unfortunately, this time around, it’s clear they had too much to work with. All these different characters to work with, keeping up details, story paths, at times it felt like the movie was 3 different movies at once, and they constantly flipped back abd forth during one scene,  it got annoying.

This is definitely one of those “turn your brain off” movies because the entire plot is contrived nonsense. Damn near every element sounds like made-up monkey shit greenlit exclusively for certain events to happen the way the writers want. It’s like the Russos were so hung up on these cliches that they ignored logic and character development just to achieve those cliches. After realizing he doesn’t need a hammer to use his powers, Thor goes halfway across the universe to make a new one? I must’ve missed something.

Even worse, im starting to notice that the Russos make it too easy to figure out what will happen next. They’re so telegraphed that it’s impossible to be surprised by events in the plot. Mind you, this is Disney’s fault. They wanted to drag out Infinity War as a 2 parter so a lot of the characters are just stupid and jeapordize good plans in order to fulfill that part 2 quota. But the lengths they go to move yhe plot along that path is… hokey.

Also, the Characters are still genuinely unlikable jerks. The ones that are cool get little to no screen time. This is basically a Guardians 3 featuring the Avengers (Namely Iron Ass). So ofcourse it’s hard to watch because the Character focus is on people i despise.

Thanos is now a preacher. A pretentious villain that would make Sepheroth blush. I don’t know if that’s an improvement or a bust.

On the other hand, what the previous Guardians movies failed to do, this movie delivered. It feels like an actual space adventure. So many different planets and locales, I would’ve lost my mind. And the action is is damn good. Vintage Doc Strange was actually in a movie!

It’s kinda like watching anime now. The story is mildly amusing, even if the characters are completely devoid of any appeal whatsoever, but there’s a swath of lunatics ready to shower them with unrelenting praise.

Well, now we just wait for part 2 to find some bullshit way to bring everything back, or they’ll subvert audience expectations just to feel proud of themselves for being different,  cause that worked for the last jedi.