I’m always amazed at how quickly people want to shush out any “drama” regarding the Yoshi Island DLC from Lost Mind. As if the subject of content is not worthy of discussion. I’m aware that Nintendo fans can’t really say much about DLC because they never had true online outside of pokemon (haha), but jokes aside, DLC has always been a controversial topic for any game. Not just how it’s handed out, but what the contents are. DLC, no matter how much I want to deny it, has the power to extend the life out of a single game as it builds on what you love about the game you bought (and then got bored of I suppose).

Yoshi’s Island builds on NOTHING about what anyone loves about Sonic Lost Mind (if it’s loved at all). It makes people run away in fear. That said, it’s easy to see why no one wants to talk about it, though. Yoshi’s Island simply isn’t interesting. Period. It’s a clear testament to how unpopular Yoshi really is.

But it should be discussed on the matter that it is threatening Sonic the Hedgehog. And that’s no bullshit. I wonder how many comments will read “LOL THREATENING WTF”.

First off, I’ve had a problem with Sonic being the corporate ad-whore for a long time.

Sonic has the most appearances in this film, I swear.

Wait, can’t say this because “corporations always take advantage of whatever is popular to draw in more people”. It happens all the time. Oh wait, Sonic’s not popular anymore, WHY THE FUCK IS HE BEING A WHORE!?

It’s something that baffles me. Sonic is used to promote shit like car insurance. Why? It just seems like an arbitrary thing to do. I mean for Cheerios like back in the day “RACE FOR THE TASTE!” cause it’s food. It’s a consumer item. Car insurance? That’s something you need to actually THINK about. And what I really find funny is that everyone is all about kids, but a commercial about car insurance is for adults only, so why is a “Kid’s icon” in an adult commercial about car insurance?

Wretched Ralph, it’s not so much the movie, but the fact that Sonic seems specifically attached to Ralph and Disney for no good reason. I mean afterall, Ralph gets a guest appearance in no other game than Sonic and Sega Racing Transformed. All I can ask is why? Who wanted Ralph’s bitch ass in this game?

He’s not a Sega character, hell he’s not even a REAL video game character. Course neither is Danica Patrick, but I have no idea why that bitch is in either. Does anyone even care about these 2 people!? Where was the demand for these 2 characters? It makes even less sense considering the non-existent popular of the Sonic Racing series altogether and exclusive presence on HD consoles makes the sequel pretty inaccessible to a plethora of people

Yeah, pointless rambling, right? Wrong. The question is why is Sonic general being used to promote products and/or media that have nothing to do with Sonic? Especially given when the Sonic series is in the shitter? I can understand why Comic book super heroes are being used to promote shit that doesn’t involve them like the Avengers (shit is EVERYWHERE now), but Sonic? Sonic isn’t appealing this day in age. Using him to promote product is illogical. Unless there is a stigma amongst marketers in which hardcore gamers will buy anything as long as it caters to their gaming “culture” in some way, it makes no sense. And I say this because while Sonic is busy sponsoring other companies, Sonic fans get shit. It bugs the fuck out of me that the most Sonic fans can look forward to is Sonic going around promoting everyone else’s bullshit while we can’t even get a decent game. I mean back with the Cheerios commercials and back packs and shit, that was ok because we were still getting some fucking awesome games out of the deal. But now? What’s the point? “Oh look, Sonic and Amy made a cameo in the simpsons” who gives a shit? Are we gonna get actual quality again?

So you got a franchise that is, for all intents and purposes, maggot food in which marketers from other companies can simply dance around the grave? I know it’s too soon but think about it like Paul Walker. We already got an advertisement for Fast 6’s DvD release and it hasn’t even been a month… and already those cock-suckers are trying to make money off the corpse! “Paul Walker Trust fund” or some shit. Eh….. I just know that example will make some one rage. “How DARE he compare a bad actor to a video game character!”

But see that’s the thing. The franchise is simply not popular anymore, and Sega is NOT intent on delivering quality Sonic games, and are killing the franchise as we speak. No company in the world has respect for video games, nonetheless Sonic of all games. Turning Sonic into some universal promotion tool is asinine and quite frankly makes my piss boil. Cause what does that really do for Sonic fans in the end? At this point, we all know Sega really isn’t hurting (that badly, I suppose). They got all the cheese for a restaurant (literally and figuratively), they got cheese for Phantasy Star and Yakuza (shit, the fucking spinoff Dead Souls has more “soul” than Sonic Generations), and they got the lawyers for youtube  (they’re at it again, btw.) What does Sega hope to gain from these moves when all they do is shit on Sonic anyway? Is it some half-hearted attempt to appeal to hardcore gamer stupidity by saying “we still care, don’t be mad at us”?

……Well, it does make for some funny parodies, I’ll admit.

All I’m saying is focus on fixing Sonic instead of having the blue bastard tell people “hey, I’m shit, but totally go out and buy some rip off car insurance!” Sonic fans LOVE cheerios, but they’re not focused on car insurance.

That reminds me. I actually read this smart ass remark on facebook recently (Think it was that SA3 page with everyone losing their shit over the “White Jesus” remark hehehehehehe). What was it uh… am I mad that Sonic is in Brawl?

Funny thing about that. Sonic “worked” for Brawl for a large majority of reasons that Yoshi’s Island does not.

One, Smash Bros. is already a crossover game that not only features Mario but tons of other Nintendo characters for the chance to beat the literal shit out of each other. Shit, they invited Solid fucking Snake. Secondly, Sonic was heavily DEMANDED for Brawl, unlike Yoshi’s Island DLC which was thrown in there for shameless promotion. And you wanna know why? It should be obvious.

Who the fuck would want to miss the opportunity to have Sonic and Mario beat the shit out of each other? AM I RIGHT!?

That is the PRIMARY REASON people wanted Sonic in Brawl. The crossover dream match that EVERYONE dreamed of. Not this piddly ass “friendship” from gay ass Olympic games that people got fed up with. No, Mario and Sonic are in it for BLOOD! That’s why people LOVED when Sonic got into Brawl, and partially why people don’t mind his second inclusion in Smash 4. Cause now you got Sonic with MEGA MAN! …….Still would’ve preferred MMX…

No one can deny this is the reason people wanted Sonic in Brawl was to have Sonic fight Mario. You can’t bullshit anyone on it. Even Nintendo of America knew that was the reason.  Look at the US release trailer from back in 08.

Look at the very end of that trailer in which you find Sonic and Mario clashing. THAT is the crossover people really want.

You know why? Because it has everything to do with “branding“.

Sonic was created to show off the hardware of the Sega Genesis, but was (maybe indirectly) branded as a “Mario Killer”. Everything about Sega was branded as a “Nintendo Killer”. Part of Sonic’s Branding is being a polar opposite to Mario. And this was going on for a long time up until the Dreamcast ended, so naturally people thought the rivalry was over when Sonic started popping up on Nintendo consoles.

So why did people care so much about having Sonic in Brawl to beat Mario to shit? Because that rivalry is still relevant to why people give a damn about Sonic to this very day (and I know some Nintard trolls are gonna use that). I mean shit, when you’ve got a character branded to be a “Mario killer” AND grab up marketshare at the same time, that shit leaves an impact on people. Cause lets face it. Nintendo owned everything at the time. The NES was a juggernaut. Then Sonic and the Genesis (and Kalinske) came about and crumbled their empire. Sonic had The power to make a God bleed.

Actually, lets back up. Why do people care about Mega Man being in Smash 4? I don’t ever recall Mega Man being branded as a competitor to Super Mario Bros. Capcom never made their own console to compete against Nintendo. If anything, Bomberman is more appropiate as Hudson made the PC Engine (exclusive to Japan, mind you). Capcom only had arcade boards but never their own console. Deep down, people feel that Mega Man games were on par or of better quality than Super Mario Brothers as well? Capcom IS the only 3rd party company to meet Nintendo half-way on their own turf. Street Fighter 2 and all. So… yeah, I guess Mega Man’s fan support makes sense (plus the lack of Mega Man service from Capcom was making them thirsty). So if fans think Mega Man, Mario, and Sonic should all be involved in a free-for-all, then deep down, people felt that Mega Man was a competitor to Mario as well despite being a 3rd party character through and through.

And that IS the case. Making a “platformer” (and I use that term lightly) on a Nintendo console means competing with Nintendo for platformer fans. So putting a Mega Man game (like say Mega Man 9) on the Wii means having a Mega Man game compete against New Super Mario Bros. (both operating from the same mentality of retro throwback solidifies the competition).

So if Mega Man was considered a rival for Mario despite not ever representing a console he called home, why the fuck are people so desperate, determined, and above all HORNY AS FUCK to squash the beef between Mario and Sonic!? You cannot separate the series from it’s origins no matter how much you’re tired of hearing about that rivalry. All these pussies going on about “NINTENDO AND SEGA ARE FRIENDS, TIMES HAVE CHANGED”  can get fucked for all I care. Times can change all they want, but human nature has all the time in the world to stagnate. People LOVE this rivalry and they want to keep it alive.

And I love the expression of how “kids these days will never know about the 90s rivalry or care, so stop buggin us about it”. Mother fuckers, the kids don’t even know the damn franchise exists. The ONLY people who pay attention to the Sonic now are the same people who LIVED during that heated rivalry (Or jumped in during the 3d stuffs, w/e). 20 years AIN’T that fucking long of a gap! If I ain’t wrinkled yet and still breathing then I STILL want Sonic living up to his branding! It ain’t like DC and Marvel where they’re ANCIENT in comparison, people keep going around saying “gaming is still young”. If that’s the case, then dammit, WE are still young!

What…. does this all…….have to do with the Yoshi’s Island DLC? It’s a spit in the face of the people that still give a damn about Sonic’s Branding. This is the Identity of the Sonic Series. And it is at stake. And no, it’s not just because of the DLC.

No it’s not like Kratos or Freddy in Mortal Kombat 9.
No it’s not like Link or Spawn in Soul Calibur 2
No it’s not like Darth Vader or Yoda in Soul Calibur 4, or Ezio in 5
No it’s not like Cole, Taro, or Kuro in Street Fighter X Tekken.
No it’s not like Akira, Pai, Jacky, or Sarah in DOA5U.
No it’s not like Sepheroth in Castlevania Judgment.
And no, it’s not even like Ralph or random nascar bitch no one cares about.

All of those games have something in common. The guest appearances/promotions, whatever…. they appear in games which maintain a semblance of their own identity regardless of their presence. Soul Calibur doesn’t give a shit that Link is fighting with a “Gay Pink Fairy Sword”, Astaroth is still Astaroth regardless. Shit, Kratos fits right in Mortal Kombat. When playing any of those games….. you still know… it’s Mortal Kombat. You still FEEL… that it’s DOA (in more ways than one).

I don’t need to tell you, the fanbase doesn’t need to tell you, the critics don’t need to tell you, youtube doesn’t need to tell you, trolls don’t need to tell you. Sonic’s Lost Mind is a goddamn Mario Galazy clone. You don’t feel Sonic playing this game. You see it with all the gimmicks and arbitrary badniks, but all in all, that is nooooooo Sonic game. Everyone knows it. Even ur mom knows it.  The Yoshi’s Island DLC is pouring salt on an open wound. It just rings it on home that Lost Mind was made to coddle the people stupid enough to pay 300+ bucks for a Pii U. A blatant confirmation, if you will, that it is a game that doesn’t bother to rely on Sonic’s own merits beyond cheap imitation imagery. And the DLC is used to sell you Yoshi and Zelda.

Sonic fans get shit.

And you know the divine comedy of it all? Nintendo knows you’re stupid enough to let it slide.

These companies don’t really care about Sonic, they use it to boost themselves. What do you think Nintendo is doing? Using the MarioXSonic rivalry to boost interest in their own games. The Olympic shit isn’t even about the rivalry and is more about them collaborating in sporting events. But people got suckered in for the crossover (and people got tired of getting burned). But Nintendo knows how to swindle hardcore gamers into playing their games. They keep this “game” running just so they bring you back in. Nintendo knows hardcore gamers are easy to manipulate. They’ve been manipulated so much on the HD console side of things, now they support that bullshit EULA in saying “WE DON’T OWN THE GAMES WE PAID OUT THE ASS FOR!” Nintendo treats Sonic as something they can ride the coattails on to sucker in desperate Sonic fans looking to them to “fix up everything” when all they’re doing is making things worse.

People have let Nintendo get away with so much up until now that Nintendo thinks they can get away with ass fucking Sonic. Sad part is they probably will since no one cares about the state of that franchise aside from the fans. But seeing as all corporations are operating from a dictator mindset at this point (they’re all just my little pawns to manipulate), we are powerless to stop the ass fucking. Nintendo is not a company that listens to business sense. Pikmin 3 exists, afterall. Lost Mind failing means nothing to them.

Oh well, Sonic Fan Games, here I come. Dat Fusion shit is niiiiiiiiice.

*sigh* I miss Rouge