Archive for August, 2013


Why would you want to be second party to Nintendo!?

Kamiya is the guy who gave birth to the awesome Devil May Cry Series. And Bayonetta, a game no one cares about except the nerds. He’s so damn misty eyed that Nintendo “saved” Bayonetta so much that he wants Platinum games to become a second Party to Nintendo.

Most of this is about a crappy ass looking game called Wonderful 101 which I’m sure isn’t going to hit big numbers, but if he’s thinking about putting P* as second party to Nintendo, then…

The pimps, playas, and pain pervayahs would be out of jobs.

Pff. You think P* doesn’t stack paper to the ceiling now, just wait until Nintendo throws them under the bus in favor of Toon Zelda. Didn’t they completely hold off Xenoblade’s release in the US because they didn’t want that game to overshadow Skyward Sword?

“I would love that. It would be great to work more closely with Nintendo.”

Oh, you’re breaking my balls, mang.

This guy is way too thankful for this sequel. Bayonetta 2 is not going to do anything for Nintendo or your career. And yes, the game looks neat. But what good would it do in the long run if it’s on a console no one owns?

Now see, as much shit I talk about P*, they DO have talent. Too bad it’s wasted on franchises with no appeal, but I digress. Sega’s already a lost cause and they’re in bed with the mother fuckers, but P*!? That’s a tragedy waiting to happen

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At least he’s honest. And yes, I know this is old.

Sonic started out as a platform title but, as we got to the more recent ones, it changed to be a more speed-based game. Recent fans will be familiar with that speed-based gaming, but with Lost World, we wanted to win back the platform fans. We don’t just want old Sonic fans to come back, though: we want Mario players and other platform gamers to enjoy the new game, too.

We figured that out with all these damn screen shots that scream Mario.

Another issue is the “wanting of old Sonic fans to come back”. We’re leaving because you’re only using cute shit to try and win us over. We don’t care about the badniks. Or Oil Ocean’s cannon’s coming back. You’re not gonna win us over with thinking in extremes. Alternate paths to the finish line aren’t just readily available either, you actually had to LOOK for them too. Not just rotate the world and OH NEW PATH! New areas came from exploration into the world, not just this one off cannon that’s conveniently placed in your face.

Iizuka has no understanding of what Sonic fans actually like. Nor does he give a fuck. How do you go from working on Sonic 3 which carried over elements of Sonic 2, and then wash all that away with Lost Mind to appease people that are clearly not Sonic fans? Instead of trying to figure out how to make Sonic appealing again on it’s own merits, they take the DmC/MGR/SC5/RE6 approach and try to cater to a completely different audience. No one thought turning RE6 into a survival horror Call of Duty was a good idea, and sales prove it. Thinking that turning Sonic into Mario is somehow a “good thing” continues to boggle my mind to this day. The article talks about “sonic purists not liking the idea”, but this isn’t exclusive to any fanbase. NO ONE likes this kind of shit. The blender technique of mixing genres and/or franchise elements has always been bemoaned because it’s admitting that the original merits just aren’t good and have to be replaced. The unique aspect of the game/show/movie is labeled as “shit” and is thrown out with the bath water.

I’ve said this a few times, when you like something, that something is imprinted on your soul. So when the creator basically says it’s shit, he’s saying the fans are shit as well (which is why people get overly defensive when you shit talk their favorite games. It’s essentially an extension of themselves). So Sonic fans have now been told that the object of their fandom is shit by the developers themselves. Iizuka carries the authority card which deals a crushing blow to the fans. Internet fandom treats authority as something of holy and religious value (the creator is god, the almighty creator).

That said, Iizuka is admitting what makes Sonic unique is shit, so he must cater to a different audience because the wild perceptions of the industry say that Mario Galaxy is sex on Wii. There’s only one problem with that idea. RE6 tries to be more like COD because COD actually sells out faster than anything. Galaxy barely made a dent. NSMB was a different story up until now. But everyone bemoaned those games for “regressing” instead of “evolving”. Evolution and innovation are overrated as fuck. Tekken still plays like ass and it still sells (sans TTT2). I like how most of the comments are assuming that “Sonic needs to evolve” when Sonic’s been doing nothing BUT that. And no one liked it.

The psychotic nature of the Sonic fans demanding Sonic to be exactly like Mario is damnding at best. It’s not even about Sonic being popular anymore as they think Colors and Generations brought the series back to greatness. For some reason, they desire Sonic to be absorbed by Mario. What is the point of this desire? Higher quality? Hardly. Sonic being a mere clone? What for? It’s like this absorbency is the ends that they want…. just for the sake of it. Everything these fans beg for is just for the sake of it, and not because they really want it. What benefit would this absorbtion have for the Sonic series other than it being labeled as just another Mario clone?

Sonic cannot be separated from it’s origins. One of it’s selling points was being a alternative to Mario, not another clone for the Sega Genesis. This is not the same as suggesting Sonic return to his roots. I think I speak for everyone when I say we’ve had enough of that Roots bullshit for the last 4 years. Every game since Unleashed was a claim to going back to the fucking roots. And what kind of roots? Aesthetic designs that appeal to classic fag sensibilities, and that shit doesn’t cut it. poor imitations are not the roots. And I laugh at the idiocy in proclamation that Lost Mind goes back to Sonic’s roots. This isn’t at all Sonic’s roots. This is Sonic in Nintendo Land. Even the Casino zone looks retarded.

Oh well. If every other fan of every other franchise felt “abandoned”, I guess it was going to be our turn at some point. Someone should make a “list of ways to save Sonic from Nintendo’s fuckery”. And no, I ain’t gonna make it.

A handheld with no 3D bullshit?

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

Man, that looks like it could hurt to hold. It’s so flat! It kinda looks like that old ID4 handheld game I had with the infared laser gun.

This thing never worked properly for shit.

So, essentially Nintendo is starting to realize their quest for the ULTIMATE 3D EXPERIENCE was a fluke and a sham. And a much better price!

SHINOBI, HERE I COME!

It looks soooo uncomfortable to hold and play. It’s flatter than Anna Faris, has no real gripping, and seems like it would cause more carpel tunnel than the PSP.

Still, good, good. Nintendo is learning humility. Or so I thought.

Nintendo is so pissed at themselves for doing this, they had a few choice words about it.

“It doesn’t mean that we are not committed at all to 3D and that we don’t think that’s a really valuable, unique eye-popping feature for a lot of gamers,” Nintendo America marketing boss Scott Moffitt told the website.

“We just wanted to continue growing the installed base and needed to find a way to get to a price point that was more accessible for a broad swath of consumers. As we surveyed the marketplace, it seemed to us that there was an opportunity for something at that lower, entry level price point.”

Just say it. We don’t want that 3D bullshit! Not that a price tag ever stopped people from going to a console (sans PS3 and Neo Geo AES). A low price can help, but really, the 3DS was salvaged with NSMB2. When you actually put out shit people want, they will come regardless of the price and popularity. PSP gets Monster Hunter, shit takes off in Japan. High price and no games is a double negative. A price cut won’t help unless you have somehting people want.

Speaking of which, Pii U also gets a price cut despite Iwata’s declarations that they WOULDN’T slash the price. Pikmin 3 probably bombed hard, cause this is the same thing they did after OOT3D failed to sell 3DS’s. I hope this doesn’t become a bad habit for them as it’s like a hardware version of what Capcom does with Street Fighter.

……..Oh fuck it…

But you know what the trip part is? Wind Waker HD is being bundled with the price cut Pii U’s. I don’t know… what sense that makes. First off, you don’t bundle a port of an old game with a console based on current tech. That’s illogical, stupid, and reeks of desperation. No one bought Wind Waker because it looked like shit. And hell, it PLAYS like shit too. Infact, all 3D Zeldas play like shit with those busted ass controls, piss ass combat, boring ass “puzzles”, etc. Bundling a nintendo console with a franchise that has decreased in popularity so fast in a matter of 1 decade is just bad business. You know, even though the PS3 was getting crushed, they at least bundled their console with games that have some recognition (God of War, Uncharted 2 I guess). Why? Because they needed to sell these things desperately. Sony was getting ass raped, so they at least tried their damndest to get people to buy the PS3. Nintendo? Lets just CONVEY THE BEAUTY OF WIND WAKER’S POTENTIAL! See, this goes to show you that the 2DS was probably an investor idea, because no one in this company wants to admit they have some issues. Aonuma and Miyamoto just can’t seem to let go of the fact that no one likes Wind Waker. They act as if that game was the epitome of intricacy and art even though it looks like ass. Bundling it with price cut Pii U feels more like a scheme. I assume they’re banking on the price cut to sell more of their console, and bundling it with WWHD would inflate the sales of that piece of shit so they can go and say “SEE!? The consumers finally understand the greatness of Celda! LETS MAKE MORE SHIT!”

Nintendo’s stupidity is beyond belief. They need to SELL the Pii U, so they need to bundle it with their best……oh wait, they don’t have shit! Hell, since Lost Mind is coming out around the same time, they should bundle Pii U’s with that game instead. At least people would buy it.

Then again, that idea just makes me puke. Sonic being bundled with a Nintendo console.

Because of America’s religion of Capitalism. The mantra of “get money at an expense” “Ends justifying the means”. All that bullshit.

Fuck yer Metal Gear Rising

Recently purchasing Playstation All-Stars used (fun game, actually. More enjoyable than Brawl in some ways as all the characters have PRACTICAL MOVES), I am treated the bird being flipped on my tv screen by an advertisement for an online pass. And this happens all the time. Everytime I boot the mother fucker up, it begs for an online pass. But given that I have a little integrity left, I see no reason for this feature to be disabled. Nor do I see the reason to be denied content unless I pay extra (yep, hacking sounds good right about now).

What puzzles me is the amount of support this BS gets in the real world. While we’d like to think that everyone hates DRM practices, those in their 30s (most of the gaming populace I believe is around this age) support this mess under the pretense that used games are costing companies money. This has never been the case for everyone who lived during the 6th generation. Money was still good, money was still coming in, and everyone who didn’t own a gamecube was happy. But see, the industry slammed head first into the sudden “HD craze” which started to hemmorage cheddar like crazy. You would think that the outrageous development costs for HD gaming would make the devs rethink their ambitious passion to “evolve gaming” via visuals and nothing else, but the option to scale back costs was considered “unthinkable”. So to continue using high costs for pretty visuals (and ditching the fucking Wii because of ideologies instead of economic strategy), we now have developers trying to cut corners…. on everyone else. The customer has to be punished in order for developer passions to remain in-tact.

Let it be known that there is never any good reason to lock content away from people who have already paid their money for the game. Never has been, never will be. But of course, those that are well off would support this scheme mainly because money is nothing to them, not that it’s good for you.

Turns out, even those that earn piddly ass $200+ paychecks every 2 weeks have this same mentality. That used games need to be crushed (the same people that go to Gamestop and make them rich, no less) so that the industry can thrive. It pains me to see another brother talking about how used games are killing business when it’s really the business model and the shitty products they put out? There were less people playing the PS3 and the 360 in favor of the Wii. Hell, the majority of PS3 owners don’t even play games. They just watch movies all day (which was probably Sony’s intent, they don’t give a fuck about games). Yet, while they think this way, the majority working class wouldn’t buy the HD twins en masse.

Perhaps it’s all in the mindset. People are struggling for money, so they feel that getting cheese by w/e means possible is alright. They apply this same “logic” to corporations and suggest it’s “common sense” to prevent our convenience for the sake of them getting money. I’m sorry, who the fuck thought it was a good idea to withhold the ability to move save files in between accounts on the PS3 unless you BUY THE FUCKING FEATURE!? Because trophies!? Naw nigga, Sony was just being a greedy fuck of a company. And yet, these boot-lickin negroes would STILL support this bullshit.

Used games already have less value by virtue of them being used. They may not work properly, might have marks or scratches, cover art is ruined, probably has no manual, etc. Denying CONTENT by virtue of having bought a game used is unethical. Working class types have no concept of what unethical practices are unless it’s in the work place, or some shit happens to them.

And this mentality gave way to the former Xbone polices. Ironically, people actually started getting selfish about their own preferences in battle AGAINST new standards being pushed on people. But that shit is already here, just in a much softer form. You think Microshit and Sony ditching DRM polices means something? 3rd Party developers are very stubborn and, if I may use the term, selfish about their own visions being brought to life by some bullshit called “photo-realism” and they’ll be damned if anyone takes that away from them.

Why is it that regular people cannot see this? Instead of thinking about corporations as these giant stone buildings that sell shit to people who have the choices of buying or no (meaning WE have power over them), they instead throw caution to the wind and fall over themselves in favor of them screwing people over.

It could be propaganda. The unread customer, the gamer who is not a critical thinker, would look at DRM and say “maybe I’m the reason this favorite company of mine is losing money. I enjoy their games and do not want them to stop making games or else I might have to find a new developer to call my best friend”. It’s tempting to take this route. One of my favorite devs (Hudson) did close house back in 2013,  and Atlus recently shut down too. But were their downfalls due to used games or due to being completely fucking niche? No one plays Bomberman anymore, and the Persona series was the epitome of niche entertainment. Niche is not allowed in states of economic weakness. And unfortunately, so many games fit that description unless they’re shooting or sports games.

Whatever the reason, the customer will not see it that way and instead blame themselves and every other gamer that wants to buy games at lower costs. Cracked.com, being fairly popular on the internet, makes it known that gamers are “self-entitled assholes” who think we should get w/e we want when we want it. Problem is going into game development means going into an entertainment business. Meaning you HAVE to give people what they want, when they want it. If people read Cracked.com for humor, and Cracked said “to hell with that” because people looking for humor are self-entitled assholes (based on one or 2 examples they bother to show), then they’d lose readers. Me? I don’t think anyone bothers if I’m not talking about Sonic the Hedgehog, I’m just that nigga that talks about Sonic.

But I digress. Buying a used game should be your business. If anyone asks what your right is to buy used, the answer should be “fuck you is my right”. The game should have the full content for the full $60 you payed for the shit (which is not the case for PS All Stars, they STILL want more money for 4 characters and 2 stages), so why the fuck would I bother getting the full version if I don’t have the full content and I still have to pay more just for that content? And somehow that’s fair? Encouraging or euphemistic strong-arming gamers to pay extra to pay extra?

And yet, developers stubbornly refuse to cut back costs. And now since we have 3 HD consoles currently being supported (Wii ain’t gettin shit), cutting costs is a shrinking option for developers. Of course, none of them want to cut costs but would prefer to slash away features we got for the price of the entire package and hold out for more cheese. The fact that the Working class basically let this happen out of some pity for these assholes gave birth to the Xbone. Microsoft is the pioneer of anti-consumer practices at this point. They were the perfect vessel for the 3rd party madness that is their passion/greed.

Everyone outside of the internet seems to be just a tad bit more insane than I gave them credit for.

Featuring Ninja Gaiden 3 Razor’s Edge!

Ah, what a fun series of games the Ninja Gaiden franchise was. And…. they fucked the pooch. Recently picking up Razor’s Edge, I was under the impression that this was going to be the “good” version. Perhaps that was a euphemism for barely passable. I had to really look deep into what the fuck was going on with the majority of games I’ve played on the PS3 thus far, and I feel as though I’ve come to understanding just what is wrong simply by looking at NG3. I’m sure this goes for a majority of actions games this past generation.

1. Enemies take more than 20 hits to die

There’s something to be said about a game that simply feels repetitive. Granted, games about beating ass and ripping them to shreds should be enjoyable, right? Except this. Gameplay is only there to serve as an interaction between the player and the content. As such, when Ryu Hayabusa is described as a “Super Ninja”, why is it I feel like a drunken punching bag? The very first level, I die 5 times in a row. Granted, it’s been quite some time since I’ve last played NGS2 so I’m rusty, but I never expected them to throw melee enemies at me who can perfectly dodge almost every thing I throw at them, block, and immediately counter my attacks a good 50% of the time. These enemies will also gang up on you multiple times.

Overtime, though, this was no problem to deal with. So why does it take so gosh darn long to kill these bastards? Enemy health is so astronomical, you’d be crazy to not want to spam the same power charge attacks over and over again. Especially since if you try to combo, you’ll get raped anyway, but every other tactic you have (shurikens, arrows, etc.) are near useless, you feel forced to use the same attacks over and over again to destroy them all. Either charge moves or Scythe is good to take down mobs of enemies, but neither are fun to use. Especially since the game’s bugs prevent you from progressing unless you have the sword equipped (The infamous Jeep freeze), so it’s like why bother using anything else? Even with that, you will find yourself switching from sword to scythe trying to deal with small or large enemies, and it’s still gonna take forever to kill them all because you have to treat every enemy like some suped up boss battle, factoring in having to dodge, block, etc. and that’s for the whole damn game.

By the end of it all, you’re gonna feel damned tired from all the extra exertion needed to play the whole game. And a big part of that is by how fucking long it takes to kill shit. But that wasn’t enough for these sadistic bastards. Oh no. Let’s throw about a hundred waves of the mother fuckers at you from every corner of the Earth, combined with rocket launchers that take up more time because you need to spend time dodging attacks offscreen. Oh, and lets randomly insert 3 cloaked Ezio mother fuckers while we’re at it. And these assholes take even LONGER to kill because of nigh-perfect evasiveness and lightening quick attacks.

So many action games these days have enemies that just won’t fucking die. From Ratchet All 4 One to this damn game, every action game with beat em up/hack n slash elements feel like work. A game is never supposed to feel like work. When the play gets bored by the end of some enemy waves, you have completely…. fucking…. failed. They have lost interest before they even reach the next level. Because they expect nothing but work. If the combat feels like work, there is no fun to be had. A part of that is having enemies that take forever to kill.

Devil May Cry is partially responsible for this for having “sweet looking combos”. Capcom is the premiere trend setter for every bad developer habit out there (RE4’s fucking QTE’s and pointless combos ala Mahvel babeh). DMC having these stylish combos gave the excuse to make enemies a chore to kill because they wanted you to string up some super long, awesome combo to show off to your nerd ass friends on youtube. But here, long combos are pointless if they’re not killing the enemy fast enough.

This wouldn’t be so bad if…

2.This wasn’t all you were doing for 95% of the game.

Literally speaking, since the enemies are a chore to kill, you’d think they would give you something else to do. NOPE! Fighting enemies is all you literally do in this game. For 8 straight stages, it’s nothing but enemy waves. You might have a little QTE here and there, or some climbing sequence, but really, you barely notice that you have those segments. Why have so many sections where you are flooded with enemy wave after enemy wave? Because there are only 8 levels (10 in RE). That’s pretty short for games these days. We like having long games to justify the high ass price tag. But see, devs don’t know how to make long games anymore. At least… properly. So the only thing they can do is artificially lengthen game time by having arbitrary elements featured.

This is called padding out the game to justify the price. Thankfully, there’s no pointless padding. Howeverm because the enemies take much longer to kill than ever before, apparently the idea was to throw nothing but endless waves of perfect AI opponents at you forever and ever. Since they take long enough to kill as it is, they figured that the enemies would be padding enough. So instead of something called emergent gameplay, they just throw the same waves of enemies at you over and over again. You can’t skip the majority of these encounters unless you’re really stupid and want to be double-donged by 12 elite mother fuckers all at once, combined with rockets and possibly giant monsters.

The Devil May Cry series balances out the action of kicking ass and exploration. There are puzzles, mind you, but it helps that they break the monotony of the game itself. It never feels repetitive playing these games.  Not to mention the games are still pretty fuckin hard. Tecmo could take a few lessons from Dante.

DMC2 also had the best content. Fuck DMC3’s “Brotherly rivalry” bullshit.

3. Scripted Bullshit.

Why not do anything different in-between the fights that don’t involve nigh-aimless wondering for stupid gold bugs like Zelda? Or scripted QTE sequences ripped off from other games? There was one cool feature where Ryu could turn invisible, but that only shows up in the very first level. You will never use this ability ever again. It’s just fight everything until you drop dead. With QTEs. These make up your scripted nonsense. The narrative says Ryu just heads into enemy territory, alarms the guards and everyone starts swarming him. Ryu, being Mr. badass super ninja, just raids everything instead of acting like a Ninja and using something called oh idk STEALTH!? No, narrative says Ryu just storms the place. You have no choice but to kill all the enemies before completing your objectives. Why? Because um… that’s what Ninjas do these days, just raid places killing everyone insight because uh way of the Dragon Clan… mother fucker.

Every now and then, you have some sequences where you’re flying around dodging missiles or climbing on to some wall while the game enters bullet time in order for you to react fast enough to the button prompt. You don’t even need to be awake while the cutscenes go into play since there is always a slow down before you need to press the button, and it’s long enough that you need’nt concern yourself with being alert at all times, unless of course an enemy just pops out at you without warning….. which, incredible enough, happens frequently in the game. See, every level has some random enemy pop out at you without warning, and you usually won’t be able to react fast enough unless you memorize these levels in excruciating detail.

But this game wouldn’t be complete without some silly “bonus round” before the boss fight where you…. *gasp*, you guessed it! Fight more enemies….. in an alternate dimension! Surprisingly enough, these enemies are much easier to kill. But after said bonus round, you’ll find Ryu just sluggishly walking from the pain of the grip of murder. In… every… level. Why? Because narrative says Ryu is struggling with this curse, so it randomly takes control away from you just to force you to tread slowly to your next save point. Praise Amma that you don’t have to fight enemies while doing this or this game would’ve gone right back to the store.These are the 3 tell-tale signs of what I’d like to call “Narrative-obsessive-disorder”, or “NOD” for short. Basically, in some rabid attempt to make the story and spectacle the primary focus, the developer uses the gameplay as nothing more than some boring vehicle for you to see the plot, rather than you actually having fun with the game. Devs will continuously reuse certain elements over and over again to the point where emergent gameplay is not  even thought of. Things like killing enemies and bosses in the same patterns over and over again (RatchetA4O has this in spades), repetitious “formats” for each level and world (lazy design), and scripted nonsense of QTEs and other silly elements. After 3 games, relying on the spectacle of super fast and high-octane combat has completely worn off, so there had to be something new in it for people to get excited for the game. Unfortunately, Team Ninja seems to be at a loss as to what to do with any of their games aside from adding more big titty bitches to the roster. Speaking of which, the only good feature of the game is what one guy calls the “psuedo-masturbation mechanic” of moving the controller to make the titties flop about like flounder out of the water. It’s creepy as fuck, and doesn’t seem to easily arouse people as one would think. How would a child react if he/she hugs a woman and her tits keep randomly keep rubbing him or her against the face? Would that not be the most kick ass childhood memory? “Yeah man, I remember when I was like 5 and this fine ass honey’s titties kept massaging my face like mad crazy!” “Man I’m hatin like no-tomorrow!” “Yeah, she was da bomb too!”Fuck, this game is creepy. Not only that, but Team Ninja has a bad habit of getting involved with projects that seem to derail their characters with “parental instincts”. Yes, Other M was Sakamoto’s idea, but Ryu Hayabusa has paternal instincts.13:33. Fucking thought Cliff was going the Kano fatality from Mortal Kombat.Yes, this is what the story is all about. The trials of being a father. The 1st 2 games were all about power hungry ninja warriors and warring ninja clans for power and dominance. This game is about fatherhood. What the fuck is wrong with Team Ninja? Here’s Mr. super bad ass Ninja master crying like a little bitch! Why? Because a little girl earlier asked him to be her daddy.Fuck this game. Every franchise I used to enjoy has turned to shit.

Ok, now Sega is being completely retarded. They honestly believe this game is so tight that they’re now daring people to pre-order a Sonic game.

What exclusive content do they have?

Not the character… but bosses…. from the game itself.

See, now Sega is confusing me. They so badly want this game to be a mass market product (for Amma knows what reason) but then they pull this shit. This is a tactic that specifically targets the hardcore. Not even the hardcore care about Sonic, so this preorder bullshit is a waste of time.

And what do you get ? You get 6 bosses and ONE, not 6… ONE new level!

No really, this bonus edition sounds like shit. Who buys games for bosses? Or content from a series no one cares about? Iizuka and the gang seem to be buying their own hype and thinking Lost Mind is more awesome than it really is to go and make some bonus edition for pre-order. When your company mascot is so niche that no one buys that shit anymore, putting in more shitty content is not going to help your money troubles.

Sonic’s Lost Mind is right. There are so many things wrong with this game that spell failure before it even launches. It’s exclusive to a console no one buys, with the only intent to “save the Pii U” and not please fans, has terribly unappealing content, a piss ass coop mode that is only Tingle Tuner and NSMBU touch pad copypasta bullshit, return of the Sonic Dolls from Colors multiplayer, magenta music note Sonic, stupid villains, awful looking worlds, and so far, a crap OST which… wouldn’t be the first for a Sonic game *cough*rush*cough* but damn dude. Not only that, but the blatant, anti-fan attitude coming from Iizuka himself spells an even worse picture. Denying this game had anything to do with Sonic, coming out multiple times saying it is a Mario Galaxy clone, spitting on fans who WANT to play as anyone besides Sonic all the time (the coop mode was a blatant middle finger), and telling people to go to a shitty spinoff series that;s been decreasing in sales and interest. And now a bonus edition with nothing on it that anyone would want! You can SMELL the arrogance and self-assurance of this company.

This game is only the beginning of the TRUE destruction of Sonic the Hedgehog. 06 and Colors were simply the calm before the storm.

Totally not an action hero.

Well, after a week of viewing and playing “The Last of Us” over a coworker’s apartment, I can’t really see the big ass deal. Yes, it’s a fine movie, but… yeah. It’s like a mildly entertaining Heavy Rain (overly dramatic while getting headshots).

I asked if the game was a tad bit racist and of course the guy rides my ass no homo about being anal (Oh… dammit Bill…). See… I see it like this.

1. All the niggas are portrayed as some form of asshole.

2. All their deaths are on-screen. Even the psycho that wanted to eat Ellie was chopped to death off screen. Yes, there’s Robert, but how soon did he die after one meeting?

3. Their deaths are justified by the fact that they are assholes, giving no one any reason to feel sympathy for them after their death.

4. Marlenne wanted to save the world, and was wrote off (and killed off) as a bitch for it. She became the game’s last minute antagonist for no reason other than wanting to make a vaccine.

She was the most bland character I’ve seen to date. Even Tameem Dante was cooler. Shit, prep the ER ASAP!

But aside from that, it just felt like the odds were too good for Joel and Ellie. Lets see, Joel is a gun smuggler with some years of brutality under his name, making him an old ass action-hero archtype, Ellie is supposed to make the audience go “YOU GO GIRL!” and make everyone proud that she brutally murders people with shitty one-liners like “buddy boy”, it’s implied that Tommy might get killed twice in the whole game (even his wife berates them both for taking a big risk), but he’s never put in any real danger, Joel just up and cares for Ellie beyond just being a package to deliver only after getting severely wounded by a severed pole, the winter storm Ellie Arc was pointless and incredibly boring filler, and why does the game feel more like a Splinter Cell game than survival horror?

As realistic as the game tried so fucking hard to be, there are over-turned tables to provide cover from gun fire as well as stealth walls, and buildings are filled with zombies carefully from strategic positions for you to sneak up and do Sam Fischer kills, and Joel has mutant hearing sonars that allow you to always know how to maneuver around enemies. It’s like a majority of the time, the game felt less like survival horror and more like a high-class Gears of War title.

All that said, it would make for a nice movie. Just not a game.

Unfortunately, don’t count on anyone coming to that conclusion. For the last 2 months, publications and nerds everywhere have extoled this game to pedestals beyond your very reach. It really shows that gaming is a dying breed when the best games out there are really movies masquerading as games. When you hear about how well done the fucking hollywood style melodrama is just so well done instead of how much fun you could have with the game, and seeing perfect scores based off the narrative alone, and seeing the game making sales charts close to some football game and Minecraft, you know gaming is fucked because, as we’ve seen with Metroid Other M and Resident Evil 6 and especially those fucking Final Fantasy games, devs will push games to be almost exactly like The Last of Us.

Why? Because for some reason, western developers hate the idea of traditional console gaming. Simple, addicting and fun games are no longer allowed. Instead, Computer Centric games based on melodrama or “the human condition” or any kind of bullshit that tries to replicate human emotions as realistically as possible just so the bleeding hearted nerds can 1up each other saying “yes, that is EXACTLY how a human would react in this situation!” is all that matters. It’s pushing a standard that is harmful to video games when everyone speaks of TLOU as “raising the bar”. For what? To disregard everything else in favor of narrative and production values?

A movie-like narrative about the relationship between 2 characters is not good content. The game’s setting is in a post-apocalyptic world. It was meant to be a dangerous adventure, and it was. But usually, adventures have some sort of point or resolution. The point was to take Ellie halfway across the fucking country to use her immunity to create a cure. This was an interesting plot until everything started going into it’s promised premise of being how this boring relationship unfolds between the 2 characters…. and the majority of it is animosity. Joel is the strict hardass who doesn’t show any real care for Ellie until she saves his life a few times. Otherwise, the bitch was just a liability. And then, of course it just had to be revealed that the only way to produce a cure would be to kill Ellie and dissect her brains (please do not give me the science lesson about cordyceps). They couldn’t just bullshit and say “we need a blood sample or something” and do some ultra-complex R&D? I mean, you Fireflies have enough soldiers pulled out of your ass for a last minute stealth/action mission. You can bullshit me on the gameplay, but apparently not the UBER REALISTIC storyline! Bullshit me on the ending in any way that actually achieves results. This was the first time in any Zombie Apocalypse Media where a solution to all the problems in the world fucking exists. And that’s been thrown away for the “developed relationship”.

But then it wouldn’t be realistic? Who gives a fuck? It’s not realistic that there’s only one protected Zone in the entire continental US and everywhere else is some “every man for himself” territory. It’s not realistic for there to be this one base out in the middle of nowhere that no one else besides random bandits have known about, and it’s the perfect safe haven where there’s food and energy without any real explanation.

And they got horses bitch!

Why bullshit me on these little convenient elements, but not a satisfactory ending where shit gets fixed?

Why imply that he would probably die when nothing happens to him?

It all feels too convenient. Yes, Joel gets a severe wound, but it only served to give Ellie a pointless story arc that contributes jack shit to the overall game besides some padding. I found myself falling asleep at this arc. And is it just me, or did bandits and soldiers completely replace the zombies for one or three arcs?

Don’t expect a lot of these guys after the first half of the game.

See, I wouldn’t have a problem with any of this if I actually cared about the characters. Survival horror has a bad habit of making characters that are either assholes or douche-bags who do nothing curse, get HAR HAR scared, and get pissed off. This game is no exception.

Asshole

Annoying “YOU GO GIRL” kid

“Masculine” Bitch

Eh, pretty cool dude.

Token Nigga

Last minute “well-intentioned extremist”

But all of this is justified under the pretense of “realism”. And don’t get me wrong. It’s a decent story with asshole characters, but realism does not belong in video games. And if you have to turn the games into movies just for realism to be accepted, then you’re going to harm the medium. You know why?

Because then video games would have to compete with fucking Hollywood. And mark my words, gaming will lose that battle? Why’s that? Because actual movies are cheaper and a thousand times more accessible than video games. You don’t need some special device to play them on that costs more than a second mortgage to enjoy. So you already have the price and access advantage. No one can miss out on a movie, but you can miss out on games. Another reason is that movies do deny you content if you do not get passed some shoddy QTE. When you WATCH a movie, you can kick back and watch other people fuck up. When you PLAY a game, you determine if you fuck up or not. Interactive movies rarely give you the opportunity to prevent fuck ups because the narrative demands you fuck up. Fall into one of Bill’s traps? It’s necessary to progress the game. Severely wound Joel and handicap your chances of survival? It’s necessary to see Ellie’s development to independence. Fail the mission of finding a cure to save humanity from a deadly virus? it’s because Joel lost his daughter.

I think that’s the real problem I have with this game. You have no choice but to follow the script. To experience the developer’s ambitions and hollywood brand of writing. Where did gaming go when developers are now actively revoking choice from the consumer for the sake of their own narrative?

Because developers, for some idiotic reason, feel that gaming should “aspire” to be more than what the consumers want. A “respected medium”. See, after 3D and Computer style gaming became popular, western developers got this strange idea that video games need respect. Everyone in the world felt that video games were a waste of time (and they ARE!). So, in some desperate attempt to justify their existence as game developers, they completely change what a video game so that it can be compared to hollywood movies (a medium that gets more respect than video games). And I suppose the only way you can do that is by turning video games into interactive movies. I mean, if you read some of the interviews by Naughtydog, you can see claims in which they want developers to “step up their game design” by having a better narrative. So much shit talk about “raising bars” for the industry to reach. This game feels more like a desire to “evolve” the medium. The question is why? Movies serve a purpose of giving audiences a visual representation of what a book would be like in real-life. Video games allow you to create your own destiny and… other shit that is under your control. If you turn a game into a movie, you can only remove control from the gamer, and that does nothing but harm the medium. Because then, gaming loses it’s purpose of being a more unique form of entertainment. Fiction that YOU control.

Why would anyone pay $400 for a medium they have less control over than they had back in the 90s for half the fucking price!?

Over the past few months, it’s been nice knowing that some Sonic fans out there actually have a fundamental understanding of what makes Sonic games popular and appealing to fans and non-fans alike. This new shit isn’t cutting it, but I digress.

Some… still don’t have a grasp of it, however. Infact, it might even go so far as misinformation on the series claim to fame. Understanding Sonic’s origins and purpose as well as it’s indentity as a mascot franchise would benefit people in understanding the real reason the series has fallen and why it was popular in it’s heyday. I’m not even gonna go over the entirety of this post. Only the bits that are misleading. Mainly because he goes on blabbing about his childhood as a genesis kid that no one gives a shit about.

There was something about the game’s combination of platforming and speed that was almost hypnotic.

Bullshit #1. Nothing about it’s platforming had anything to do with anyone liking Sonic the Hedgehog. Or any platformers in general. Platforming is simply what one must do to reach the goal. Platforming in itself is not the most fun aspect of the games. The only reason it might be for Sonic games is because there is no risk of death in the majority of the platforming segments. For the most part, Sonic 1’s platforming was barely there. The most I could remember where alternate paths and Marble Zone. Otherwise, platforming would just be work. There’s no stimulation in the act.

Sonic’s platforming is non-existent for the most part. What little there was, no enjoyment could be derived of. But I’m sure this is going to win some “reading too much into” comments so moving on.

Whilst Sega has done a lot of things right in this generation of consoles – such as releasing many strong IPs

Bullshit #2. Strong IPs imply they actually sell. Sega hasn’t stacked paper to the ceiling since the Saturn in Japan. What roof is they raising from Binary Domain? Vanquish? Bayonetta? HOTDO, and even Yakuza? Sega hasn’t made a dime off of an anything over the course of one decade. And w/e cheese they did shread, Hajime would blow them off on his shitty Pachinko business. Tellin yah, when a Japanese dev gets bought by a Pachinko company, they get ass raped for all their worth. SNK got lucky, but Sega……damn man.

Regardless of how you feel about the series, Sonic was an attempt at a perfect cross between platforming and racing, that is otherwise non-existent.

Bullshit #3. Sonic isn’t about platforming. There’s barely any to bother with. The game is essentially an obstacle course. I’ve said it was a faster platformer in the past, yes, but only in regards to what genre it gets labeled with. And racing!? The concept of Sonic being in a racing game didn’t come until Sonic 2. Sonic was an attempt to advertise the processing power of the Sega Genesis as the main selling point of the console. As such, the game was made simple enough for the processing power to be demonstrated. You weren’t nearly constrained by obstacles as much as other platformers would have it as the devs needed to find a way to advertise the speed. Unfortunately, the only way you could have this speed was in Zones 3 & 5. Otherwise, the game is pretty slow by today’s standards, but it DID in fact run faster than a plethora of platformers out at the time. It succeeded in what it was supposed to do.

As Sonic was clearly designed to be on a fixed 2D plane, translating it to other designs, and types of gameplay, becomes much more difficult. It seems as though Sega are aware of this.

Sonic was designed to be in 2D because that’s all you had, dumbass.

Sonic’s gameplay was translated well going into Sonic Adventure, up until Shadow. And regardless of how people felt about Shadow’s content, gameplay wise, it was fine. Except wall jumping. That sucked ass. And Sega being aware of their own flaws in design practices? Do you also believe in giving peace a chance!?

As the series started fading away, gamers wanted more than just speed, and… further Sonic games were not offering anything else. The series started dabbling in pinball games, kart racers and even isometric puzzle action-adventure games; but the series was slowly beginning to abandon its trademark speed fused with platforming.

Ok, 1. We didn’t even have a good tally to dictate what the majority of Sonic fans wanted out of Sonic the hedgehog until after Sonic 06. And clearly thanks to the popularity of Sonic Rush, yeah, ALL they want is the speed. 2. Branching out in different genres is what mascots characters are put through. Companies show off their mascots in different all the time. But they are all considered “spinoffs”. In all the main Sonic games, this trademark was never abandoned until now with Lost Mind.

This leads to my main issue for my love and hate relationship with Sonic the Hedgehog: the lack of focus. It seems as though Sonic Team has become increasingly confused as to what they want their flagship series to be. The series has seen a strange change in tone. Instead of the light-hearted, whimsical, and cartoony spirit that the series used to embody, the franchise started developing an oddly dark, serious and grim tone.

Why do I feel like my shit got co-opted? Eh, w/e. It’s not general confusion but rather different developers having their own ideas of what Sonic should be (just like the fanbase). Clearly we can see this practice in motion. Yuji Naka liked having a lot of characters to be playable that gave a variety of gameplay options (which just up and suddenly became a bad idea because of one game). On the other hand, Iizuka prefers to revoke any chance of playing as a different character and replaces them with shitty timed power ups. And again, the Sonic series was not “whimsical” w/e the fuck that’s supposed to mean. Our content of Sonic the Hedgehog, more than anything, came from SATam and the Archie Comics. The tone of these series were validated by Sonic Adventure and up. AOSTH was mostly forgotten for everything besides a shitty “pingas” meme that the fanbase, in their desperate attempts to be funny and imitate other retarded fanbases, forced on themselves.

And these series had some dark shit going on. And we all thought it was awesome. How this now all of a sudden doesn’t exist would be beyond anyone unless you understand how gamers act when it comes to Japanese media. Gamers and Anime fans (the author claims to be a goddamned Otaku, afterall) disregard any western media as unnofficial drivel by default, feeling that western adaptations are “disrespectful” despite the necessity to appeal to their own cultural standards.

Some abuse the privilege.

With that in mind, the games (and some shit manga) were all “whimsical” and “light-hearted”. So Shadow the Hedgehog would easily disgust them. While Shadow is pretty extreme in some regard, 06 was quite tame and shouldn’t be faulted because it was all badly written. Even Sonic 3 had it’s moments, what with Knuckles getting electrocuted to death after getting his ass kicked. He’s just about to pass out trying to help Sonic through and through. Something like this would be considered “too violent” in today’s group of Sonic fans, but gets a free pass because of it’s seniority.

The excessive ‘hard-boiling’ of game franchises, and making them grim and gritty, has affected many game series, but Sonic has seen the most abrupt shift. The neon-coloured casino nights and shimmering green hills were all but forgotten. It seemed to be filled with bland, colourless and dull destroyed cities, and over-the-top mammal melodrama.

You know, it comes to a point in time when one has to get really fucking tired of 2 fucking games in the entire fucking franchise being exagerrated to make it seem like the ENTIRE FUCKING FRANCHISE turned into this shit. After Shadow the Hedgehog, what did we get? Sonic Riders, and that instantly returned to the neon, colorful stuff we all loved. Yes, it’s a racing game with a concept universally hated for no good reason besides it’s existence, but it is there. And then we had Sonic Rush in the same year, with it’s brand of colorful (yet tacky designed) Zones. The author is trying to force this idea that the series became 2 games for it’s entirety until Colors and completely disregards the handhelds and spinoffs like everyone else. Where is this idea coming from?

Now, it’s possible that the author probably has never played the handhelds or spinoffs out of his so-called “disinterest”, but considering how he claims to keep going back to it, there;s no reason these other games managed to slip passed his radar unless he’s a mindless troll.

You can see this lack of focus in the gameplay too. Instead of linear 2D design, the series started experimenting with other elements. Most namely: hub-town exploration, other playable characters, and even driving mechanics. It’s clear that Sega knew that speed was no longer guaranteed to impress, and so, holding fans on with gimmicks seemed like that was their answer. However, this soon blurred the qualities that made Sonic great. Soon, controlling Sonic himself was becoming a lot less fun, with the main problems being a horrible camera and an overall loss of control. There is nothing quite as frustrating as running Sonic down a stretch, moving the analog stick to do a slight turn, but then having Sonic make a hard left and falling right off the edge.

Again, exaggeration. These complaints come from, again, 2 games. 06 and Unleashed had some of the most frustrating level design in the series. But what of the last 3D Sonic titles? You might hear complaints about bad camera (though that’s just an easy target these days as most games with claims of bad camera don’t even have this issue), but bad controls? Not until 06.

Has this author not played any game up until Shadow the hedgehog? His memory seems quite limited to the most hated games in the series (like every other Sonic fan, it seems).

His ‘friends’ don’t help either. Yes, those guys. It’s possible that Sonic the Hedgehog probably has the most useless supporting cast in a video game series. Aside from the fact that none of them are very interesting characters to begin with- and some are just generally irritating- they all feel like a fairly desperate attempt at attracting a younger audience to the series. And that’s how Sonic is barely coasting along. The non-discriminating taste of his younger fans, plus the extremely powerful nostalgia that older fans like me have for the character, is managing to keep Sonic busy, if not in entirely good shape.

And now we come to the stereotypes and the unjustified hatred of “Sonic’s friends”. Younger audiences don’t care about Sonic. Sonic is mostly played by the Casters. And the few youngins that do don’t even notice the other characters or care about them. The youngins play Sonic games for the same reason you do. Because of spectacle. Because of the blistering speeds. It’s fun and stimulating as hell. And again, exaggeration. Sonic’s “friends” did not become useless until after 06. Before then, they have given a much greater variety to the series than Sonic alone. Tails providing Sonic flight and gaining access to different paths, Knuckles having completely different routes for completing levels via his digging power up, Espio being the entire basis for that stupid ass Parkour system in Lost Mind (keep up the fad, Assassins Creed. Parkour is the new QTE), etc. Not to mention no one had a problem with them in the adventure games or Heroes. Course, we all know why. And besides that, the Sonic characters are merely hated for gameplay reasons and not content reasons. 06 basically ruined the fandom’s perception of character quality due to poor gameplay and unnecessary interruptions mid-level, breaking the pace and momentum that was established before. These changes come in at random and can’t be avoided, and it is irritating.

For all I know, this is probably a shill working for Iizuka considering the recent bout of “sub-character” claims. Them not up and knowing that people wanted to play as different characters, and then blowing off a fan in the audience of Sonic Boom about why Shadow isn’t playable reeks of a sinister nature of Sonic Team trying to make the fans accept some new standard for Sonic. Because at this point, it’s getting rather insane. Especially considering every annoying character they add, they immediately ditch them anyway. When’s the last time Cream was relevant? Or Silver for that matter?

2010 was an interesting year for Sonic. Not only did it seem like Sega were finally listening; but it also seemed like they were trying. Not only was Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing: Transformed

Wrong year, dipshit. Also, Sega wasn’t listening. Iizuka specifically said that Colors was tailor made for the younger audiences. Not you. If anything, Sonic 4 Episode 2 would be “listening to fans”. Giving players an extra Sonic character to play as, fixing up the physics a little, and having more enjoyable levels. But that little entry was conveniently left out of the entire article for some reason. Who the fuck asked for Wisps, might I ask?

This renewed sense of focus was present in Sonic Colours, released several months later. Instead of overloading us with a melodramatic, nonsensical story, and unnecessary characters, Colours stuck with the tried and true. It was just Sonic and Tails, defeating Dr. Eggman, in a number of bright, imaginative and colourful locations, such as an aquarium park and a frenetic space elevator. Rather than pandering to a younger audience,

Colors was specifically made for a younger audience. And useless characters?

It’s an allspark and a pokeball.

I miss Heavy and Bomb already.

It did have the useless woodland friends, and another pretty silly plot about time dimensions, but they were thankfully side-lined in favour of celebrating the 16-bit Genesis yesteryear with Classic Sonic, while preserving the positive aspects of the 3D Sonic games and building upon them.

Celebrated? It made a complete mockery of Classic Sonic. The 16 bit games only got 3 levels while the Modern games had 6, with much bigger levels and a greater sense of spectacle than the overly simple Genesis levels. Not to mention how Classic Sonic is made to admire Modern Sonic over the use of a homing attack. Not to mention the classic stages were all lazily designed with little to no effort put into them aside from maybe City Escape and Puzzle Planet? I wouldn’t know, I was bored out of my fucking mind. The classic levels felt slow and controlled awkwardly, while the Modern levels felt like a breath of fresh air. This is more of a disservice than anything.

Generations was, while having it’s fun moments, a mediocre way to celebrate Sonic’s birthday. Though the praise it gets shows how easy it is to control Sonic fans with marketing techniques.

However, it’s hard not to see a definitive step forward, as it seems that Sega and Sonic Team have finally understood what makes a great modern Sonic game. Both Colours and Generations are the most successful attempts yet at recapturing the magic of the 16-bit classics.

When a review score actually determines the success of a video game, call me back for Okami. Sonic 06 was the most successful game of this generation for the mere fact that it made platinum hits. Along with Sonic Unleashed. The 2 most frustrating and hated Sonic games of all time. While Colors and Generations did even scratch the surface of 06’s success.

Colors and Generations are truly the games of the internet fandom and not the real world. You have to be really careful when it comes to games that are praised on the internet. The internet is dominated by hardcore nerds. Nerds naturally have no concept of what is mainstream and popular. Being the social outcasts that they are, how can they see what is quality beyond their own asses? But as long as they have the Dark Knight trilogy, they can feel justified in their opinions so as long as a review from a major website validates them. Especially since nowadays, SA2 gets so much hate yet makes PSN’s sales charts for 2 months in a row. Nigga please. We already know what the fans want, so you can hang that shit up right now.

The newest title, Sonic: Lost World, hitting the Wii U and 3DS in October, looks like the modern Sonic game that Sega have been promising all these years.

A dull adventure with no appeal, bemoaned gameplay ideas, and repackaged concepts under fancy new names?

It seems to stay faithful to its roots

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

Lost Mind is the most confused game I’ve ever laid eyes on. For the last few trailers, I’ve seen ridiculous power ups such as a music note, several thousand on rail levels, and exploration based on looking for shit rather than discovering new paths. Discovering alternate routes were more of a reward. In this game, they seem to be given away for free just by running up a few walls and walking around cylinders. The only reason it seems to stay faithful is because it (poorly) imitates a graphical and art style of the old games. This is the same reason people wrongfully believe Mario stuck to his roots. Graphical style plays a key role in people’s perceptions. Look at Resident Evil 5. No one thinks this game stuck to Resident Evil’s roots at all. Some may attribute it to gameplay reasons, but then RE4 and 6 should’ve been held in contempt. Some people have actually said RE6 returned to RE’s roots! I couldn’t even contain my rage at the mere farce! But it had more to do with it’s visuals than it’s gameplay. Or it’s content. This has always been the case. The reason why it’s rare for anyone to say RE6 returned to it’s roots is because RE5 already fucked the pooch on people’s expectations (broad daylight in my RE!?), or a general distrust of Capcom.

Nintendo is slowly burning bridges. Sega is completely fucked. Now NO ONE knows what Sonic is about and just feel that, because of the way it looked, makes it seem like Sega gets it.

Whether or not the game can help ‘revive’ the slow start of the Wii U, as Sega Europe president Jurgen Post hopes it will

It won’t. I think a good 90% of the gaming populace can tell you it won’t do a damn thing. First off, if Sonic Colors and Generations couldn’t do shit for Wii and HD (no sales of consoles pick up after Sonic games these days), what in the fuck makes anyone think Pii U will get ANY boost from a Sega game? This is industry hype. And from SOE of all people. Since when have they ever done anything to win some authority?

Then again, nothing this author says makes any sense beyond what has already been repeated to death. Besides, I can’t take anyone who says this seriously. No research, no common sense, no nothing.

To the outside looking in, these are the Sonic fans that must be avoided at all costs. For your sanity and braincells.

Audience of 3, Nintendo officially gives no fucks. This here is a level from Pilotwings, a game no one remotely cares about. Not even the Nintards care about Pilotwings. It is clear that Nintendo is turning Smash Bros. into their personal Nintendo history class, it’s not even funny.

Wow, now that’s what I call “exciting!”

You know what game they should use for a stage? Custom Robo. You know, something resembling that which people could get into. Not some piddly ass flight sim no one bought. I mean damn, no one even knows what Pilotwings is.

BonkinHead’s comment is delicious. Now you know this game is just gonna have some obscure as fuck references all for the sake of “teaching people the wonderful world of Nintendo.” I think this is because of Melee and how many people begged to know what Fire Emblem and Custom Robo were. Nintendo is banking on the Nintards to learn more obscure games and exporting them in hopes that the hardcore will buy them in droves and “SAVE THE PII U!”

You know what could save the Pii U? Minecraft. It actually sold the damn 360. The Wii could’ve used that from 2010 and onward. It’s not like it couldn’t be ported at all because shit graphics (hahahahahah). Imagine that? A low tech game selling a high tech machine.

KOFMI2’s announcer voice!

Oh and looks like they’re getting that cartoon right.