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Maybe for 1 post, something a tad different. Seeing as I’ve not kept up with gaming news in the last 2 years. I think I’ve earned it.Brace yourselves for extreme nerdiness.

 

So… I envy the DC fans. I saw the Justice League trailer and I’m just oozing with buyers remorse. Mainly because of the Flash. Look at this guy’s costume. Does he not look awesome!? Hell, they ALL look awesome. Authentic to the source material. Enjoy your legit looking Flash, Fanboys! Our Quicksilver had nothing but a sports bra and tennis shoes! Our Scarlet Witch is a goth kid who’s just a few ounces more attractive than the shit stain from X-Men Evolution. Our Hawkeye wears casual clothing during a battle against an army of robots!

 

*sigh* You just get the sense that Warner Bros. cares more about the source material whereas Disney (obviously) rips these characters apart, exclusively to sell toys. Granted, I saw it coming, but they tried to convince me that they cared. The first 3 movies they got their hands on (Thor, Captain America, Avengers) all gave me false hope that perhaps… Disney was more than a toy company.

 

Then… the Mandarin happened. Then Guardians of the Galaxy. And then the complete ass rape of Ultron. And finally… Civil War. The “Fury Road” of Marvel where it’s not all that good, but tough luck explaining why without being ripped to shreds. When one looks at all Marvel movies, one would get the feeling that these films are comedies. Every 2 minutes, we have to endure bad quips because no one would buy Iron Man toys if people knew deep down that he’s a sociopathic lunatic.

 

On the other hand, you have DC movies that go into the extreme “darkness forever!” slope. Because damn if we want Superman movies to be happy. You ever seen Flashpoint? So far it’s the most deranged DC movie ever made. You got Batman shooting Zoom (or w/e the fuck his name is) through the skull (and of course they show the insides), throwing Harley Quinn off a building, Wonder Woman strangling people with her lasso of truth, decapitating people, murdering children, Black Manta burning through Deathstroke’s body, Aquaman dismantling Cyborg exposing his heaUUUGHHH!!!

 

DA FUK’S RONG WIT U, DC!? I don’t wanna see that nasty ass shit!!! FUCK!!! I literally felt nauseous after that scene. It just comes out of nowhere and if that didn’t get you fucked up, here’s a CLOSE UP of Victor’s pulsating clump of meat!!! I can only assume Aquabitch was stabbing him with his fork, which probably woulda been worse if it happened on-screen. But by the balls of Ra, can you imagine what was going through DC’s mind when making that incredibly obvious and yet still unnerving shockbait?

 

“Hey you sweaty Teen Titans fan! You love CyborgHERE’S HIS HEART!!!”

“Nuuu!!! Can’t…claw eyes…fast enough”

“We’re DC, and you are now traumatized!!” *Winksmilethumbsup*

 

Also, Fuck Aquaman. Kinda easy to see why MKvsDC actually happened.

 

Despite how wretchedly disturbing that movie is… it’s something that can be admired. It shows just how deadly all of these characters are and can be given the right circumstances. And this is all despite the supurb lack of character development. I’m not a fan of DC’s “must be dark and edgy at ALL times” approach to everything they do nowadays (it almost makes “Teen Titans Go” a necessary evil), and I get the impression that they’re ashamed of having a long history of comics that took after the Super Friends level of cornyness that everything they do has to be super serious.

 

But hey, at least someone’s taking their comic movies seriously. With Marvel movies, they’ve gone to the other extreme. It has to be funny and light on tension all the time because the kids are watching!!! So let’s do that along with an astonishing number of shoehorned “set ups” at the expense of the source material, actual character development, logical plot structure, THE VILLAINS, or having a satisfying movie without needing to wait 3 years for a sequel when they’re done asskissing the ones you don’t care about… just to get another infomercial that’s 2 hours long.

 

That brings me to Civil War. Now, I like the movie for it’s action as well as doing Black Panther justice (considering how racist Disney is, that’s quite a feat), not to mention having Giant Man. But see… that’s the problem with this movie. Everyone has criticized this. It’s called “Captain America” but it’s like the Transformers where the title character gets pushed out of the spotlight and becomes the C-Story in his own fucking movie. The whole “it’s more of an Avengers movie” became the redundant buzz phrase of 2016 movie reviews, and for good reason. Cap barely gets any story beyond “protect Bucky despite having no evidence to prove his innocence”.

 

*sigh* Is it ironic to not like America, but be a fanboy of Captain America? Idk, there’s something appealing about how a propoganda tool rebels against his own concept. The man out of time, how a character that was built around the foundations that made Superman a bag of moldy cheese… actually maintains those 1940s qualities in the modern Marvel Universe where everyone has a dark side or a huge emotional problem that causes them to use questionable methods to achieve their goals, or just go apeshit and kill people. Cap remains himself and commands respect from the likes of Wolverine and Spiderman.

Sure his Rogues gallery is shit outside of Redskull or the Serpent Society, but hell, even if it was good, fat chance of knowing that with any of these movies.

 

Now… I loved the first 2 CA movies. First Avenger, to me, was perfect… at least compared to all the movies that came before it. It was the only movie that focused squarely on Captain America (Origin Story, I know) and it wasn’t an infomercial even though the movie pretended you didn’t care about him and only wanted the Avengers. Winter Soldier is… well, it’s not bad (Hell, its fantastic), but it’s far less interesting than First Avenger. It feels like watching a less boring Bourne movie if I’m being honest. Falcon had a jetpack with shitty wings, and Black Widow is just as worthless as ever. Honestly, I kinda wanted to see Cap struggle adapting to the modern world. But fuck all that, just write that shit down in a diary, store in Box 10 with your Bidoof, and proceed to have 0 personality for the rest of your appearances.

Infact, Marvel Studios blatantly assumes you don’t give a rat’s ass about Captain America, so much so that they make him about as relevant as Bomberman. Was he even in Age of Ultron? I literally forgot. Was he the guy that said “language” and the movie just shoved that 1 joke in your face, (thinking it was comedy gold!) cause… you know, his only character trait is to be the butt of Iron Man’s jokes?

 

So I shouldn’t be surprised when Captain America’s 3rd and final individual movie was handed over to Iron Man on a silver platter. Iron Man certainly has more plot relevance, him recruiting Spider-Man is… leik… such a biiiiig deal, and we get some shoehorned sappy backstory of him and his parents just so Tony’s bastardry can be justified in the third act. To the point where people laughibly side against Captain America all for one half-assed reveal. Now to the actual review.

 

Oh noes!! Crossbones went into Africa and stole a random bio weapon! Do we know what it is or what it can do? No!? Fuck it! Excuse plot within an excuse plot, I suppose.

Cap takes Witch, Widow, and Falcon with him (is this a half-assed reference to his kooky quartet!?!?). Falcon scans the perimeter with his pet drone… ugh.

Personal gripe, I’m not ok with Redwing being a drone. Yeah I know. Telepathic link with an actual Falcon is just… “too weird”, but people accept a talking raccoon and a FUCKING TREE as legit heroes, so WHY NOT!? Anyways..

We have a big fight where loads of punches occur against regular mooks… because otherwise the studio would be forced to justify how Black Widow could take on any force that is out of her league. Cap defeats Crossbones who reveals he’s working for Winter Soldier… which makes no sense because Bucky went missing and it’s easy to assume that Hydra didn’t care that he’s gone because he’s… buying plums. I’m not even sure why Crossbones was stealing bioweapons from Africa, I guess it’s just there to set up the soon to be aborted plot of this movie, because blowing up Sokovia in AOU didn’t mean shit! But Witch minimalizing casaulties of Crossbones suicide bombing to 13 people, that just sparks OUTRAGE!!!

There’s no real explanation for this scene other than the need for some manufactured crisis to get the plot rolling when previous films have had enough of them to be used as a spark. You mean to tell me that some tiny explosion which, again, only killed 13 people compared to events from AOU where 2 major cities were devastated and/or destroyed, THIS is the straw that breaks the camel’s back!?

 

Do the writers between all of these movies ever get together to discuss consistencies between their continuities?

 

Anywho, we cut to everyone’s favorite asshole who we might as well call the comic book version of Donald Trump. Once more we are to suffer through RDJ’s dry acting skill of using the same emotional tone in every scene, it’s like he can’t turn off his “pseudo-sarcastic voice” for like 2 seconds. We get holographic exposition due to Tony’s relationship with his parents feeling about as hollow as mist. You know it’s there, but you feel nothing! You wait after 11 movies to give us some details of Tony’s parental issues!?

To top it off, he shares this crap with a bunch of college students during a presentation that has Jack shit to do with his past… meaning that Tony was probably never at all affected by this oh so traumatic event that he figured “hey, I can make a sweet PowerPoint presentation with this!!” What an ass.

Wait, Tony shares his past with strangers but none of the Avengers? Wait, he actually KNOWS his Mother!? Hell, for all I knew, he was adopted by an alcoholic.

So after walking off because Pepper didn’t give up the puh, Tony runs into Miriam Sharpe who blames him for the death of her son. Get it!? Cause it happened in the comics… cept she’s technically right this time around.

 

Back at Avengers mansion, Witch guilt watches tv while showing off her sexy legs in a room clearly designed for a teenager. I can only assume Vision was peeking her legs all this time and decided to wear, for some bizarre reason, actual clothes, probably to hide his infinty erecTHUNDERBOLT ROSS IS BACK!!! And I don’t care.

So he guilt trips the Avengers by showing them footage of their wanton destruction, while only showing 1 disturbing image of an African corpse (Disney’s racism is verrrry subtle, you know). Ross goes on about how the Avengers operate with unlimited power (which is bullshit because Shield (A UN chartered organization) set them up in the first place, but when Shield was dissolved 3 movies ago, the UN just NOW takes action!? No good mutha…)

 

Cut to a scene where Barely Zemo forcibly drowns a man in his own home on-screen, and I’m left bewildered as to how this is less offensive or dark unlike  Batman vs Superman. Not enough bad quips?

 

Back at the mansion, Machine has a military rank pissing contest with Falcon for Amma knows what reason, and then everyone gives their opinions on the accords, and it’s literally 2 against 4 not in favor of the accords. Nice to know we’re balancing out both sides of the argument here. Say didn’t Widow tell the government to kiss her ass in Winter Soldier!? Consistency!!! Hell, even Falcon points this out.

Dont get me started on 7/11’s little “We need to be put in check” speech, as wonderfully idiotic as that statement alone sounds, I’m still pissed that no one brought up the Hulk-Buster scene. How many buildings did you drop on their black asses you fucking retard!?

The only people who have any legitimate reason to support the accords are War Machine and Vision. Machine being a tight ass who’s had to put up with Iron Man’s antics for 2 movies More than likely feels it necessary to regulate metahumans. And Vision’s a robot… and that’s why. Say, weren’t you on Cap’s side and disabled Iron Man’s suit… oh my mistake, I forgot Disney made the source material irrelavent, otherwise Kaecilius wouldn’t be the badguy in Dr. Strange.

Cap is, of course, the only person who has a legit reason to go against the accords. As a guy who didn’t want to be held back by WW2 restrictions when it came time, plus his newfound distrust of Big Brother, he’s like “FUCK these accords! I’ve actually taken the time to ensure that civillian lives were in a safe area before going to kick some ass, it was MY idea to save lives on Sokovia! Nevermind that I needed Fury’s help to even pull those rescues off, why isn’t he here to back me up!?”

But fuck all that! FUNERALS!!!

 

Literally forgot Peggy Carter existed. But oh well, she’s dead and her lame ass show can finally be cancelled. Her big tittied niece delivers a eulogy so bad that they had to steal dialogue from the comics just to appeal to the fans that aren’t pissed about the incorrect rosters. Because Spider-Man is all that matters…

 

BLACK PANTHER!!! I see your lusting eyes, Black Widow, you whore.

 

So T’Chaka gives a speechKABOOM he’s dead. So much for getting to know these characters well enough to care about them before you off them. But I get it. You didn’t feel like giving Panther an origin story (to hell with them ni-), so you shoehorned it into Cap’s movie with no soul w/e. Also, “parental figure’s death is motivation to become super hero” trope.

 

So now we get to the part that renders the accords story meaningless. Bucky is framed, and Cap’s logic goes full retard. “Protect Bucky at all costs!!! Even at the expense of everyone I run into”. I mean goddamn! He’s beating up law enforcement, stealing people’s cars,  and fucking up Helicopters. Because if I imagine Cap doing anything, its grand theft auto. Consistency!!!

 

No… seriously. This is fucking terrible. Not only does this whole sequence make Cap out to be an inconsiderate asshat, but it’s completely inconsistent with his previous appearances. As I’ve said before, in both Avengers movies, Cap actually went through hell and back to protect civillian life. The way he charged through a subway station to save a woman and her child, jumping in to save an elderly man from being murdered by Loki, trying desperately to save a woman in her car from falling off the cliffside of a flying city, and being the only guy in the whole group to refuse to blow up Sokovia until everyone was evacuated while Widow suggested nuking the city now… just shows how much he cared about people. Cap threw himself into harms way on multiple occassions to protect those who couldn’t defend themselves. Unwilling to sacrifice lives for the sake of accomplishing a military objective. So why in Mary fuck is he THROWING AN INNOCENT DRIVER INTO SPEEDING TRAFFIC!? So what if Bucky’s your friend, you risked a man’s life to save a guy who tried to yours! It just doesn’t compute!!! Even in Winter Soldier, he doesn’t lose his fucking mind when he’s forced to confront Bucky on a shield helicarrier, he fights him because he knew that if he didn’t disable those guns, Hydra would’ve been free to kill whoever they wanted!! He was willing to die on the fucking ships if it meant those weapons couldn’t fall into the wrong hands!!! And here he is throwing people into traffic. Y..you can’t ignore details like that just because you want to make an action sequence!!

 

Panther shows up and makes Bucky his bitch, and some random chopper comes out of nowhere and starts shooting Panther… and only Panther. Cause even though a WHITE guy who blew up an embassy, is a known assasin and terrorist, and led to the death of a fucking KING, the black guy is STILL more threatening even though nobody knows who the hell he is!

 

And OH YEA, Falcon is in the movie!! He does nothing for the scene, however. So then they all get arrested. Machine is all like “Yea Cap, you’re a criminal!” Panther reveals his identity for a dramatic reveal that everyone knew anyway. Did I mention Panther gets the best dialogue? No bullshit tacked-on witty remarks to keep pace with all the other comedic talents otherwise known as the entire goddamn cast!!!

So in this secret base, they meet Everett Ross who in the comics was just a liason for Panther. Here, Evy thinks he awesome and talks more shit than Tony. Speaking of which, he and his ass bitch Widow taunt Cap and Falcon relentlessly. Widow’s demeanor towards certain characters changes whenever she feels like it, eh? Now she’s acting like a total bitch. “Your friend killed the father of the guy I totally wanna bang!”

Then Cap and Irons gets into an argument where Iron actually admits to making Ultron, but says so in relation to why Pepper left his sorry ass. Not because people died or anything. Can’t have the Wolverine of our franchise admitting any REAL faults, yah dig? Oh yeah, there was some shit about Vision, an android with vast amounts of intelligence granted to him from the Mind Gem, not knowing what paprika was… that scene was all shipping so… it’s not important.

But w/e because Barely Zemo snuck into the facility and took a gamble with his EMP bomb delivery. How lucky was he that the bomb arrived just in time for him to mind control Bucky? Man, you could swear this guy and Lex’s plans are all xanatos gambits. Bucky escapes, beats the shit out of everyone except Panther (Cause he’s a boss), but gets captured by Cap and Falcon. That helicopter scene was actually pretty awesome, no?

In some warehouse, Cap and Falcon interrogate Bucky about his darkside and mentions an aborted plot had Captain America 3 remained a pure Captain America movie and not a glorified infomercial. Then we get the scene from Ant Man so as to ensure people they didn’t waste their money seeing it. I mean… good movie, but has Jack shit to do with the rest of this universe.

Then we go to Iron Man not giving a shit about child endangerment to recruit a 12 year old Spider-Man that pissed off legions of fanboys due to his age. Tony wants a private conversation with Peter in his room (cause that doesn’t come across as creepy at all) and the first thing he does is spit out Aunt May’s cookiesTHE FUCK’S WRONG WITH YOU!? Those are delicious! I’m surprised Peter didn’t just whoop his ass right there!! Or the next barrage of insults regarding his computer, twin bed, and his crappy suit. You wanna recruit this kid but you shit all over his self-esteem. Good for you!! But hey, let’s top that off with some blackmail! Tony threatens to tell Aunt May about Peter’s Spider ID, yadda yadda. How anyone can like Iron Man after the last 3 movies is beyond me. Maybe people are just drawn to assholes. Why else would Trump have a shot at being President!?

Back at the mansion, a random, unexplained explosion distracts Vision long enough for Hawkeye to randomly show up for no reason and give Witch some pep talk… while trying to fight V ision. It was awesome seeing Hawkeye show why he doesn’t suck like Widow, but he needs Witch’s help just to break free from Vision’s overpowered grasp. Considering Hawkeye shows the capacity to disable Vision with electric arrows, why the fuck does he take to swinging a stick at him!? You know well enough that he isn’t to be fucked with at close combat! And if the first attack didn’t phase him (hahahahaha) what makes you think a few more swings will!? Hawkeye is smarter than this! Wait… why is he even here!? He just pops out of nowhere, disables Vision, and tells Witch “Cap needs us” and just expects her to go along with him. Witch rightfully pauses in confusion as to what the hell is going on in this movie because clearly the writers realized that they needed to give Cap an actual team for big Airport battle, so at the last minute, they squeeze in Hawkeye, Witch, and Ant Man… for absolutely no reason!!! These 3 have no actual reason to be in this fucking movie!!! Hawkeye is supposed to be retired, Witch feels guilty for causing some deaths, and AntMan is shoehorned in just to establish that he is in this continuity.

In the Civil War series, every character has a clear and legitimate reason for fighting. Their own personal views and past experiences are all accounted for and taken into consideration when determining which side they chose. You could understand why someone like Ms. Marvel would be for the Registration Act and why someone like Luke Cage wouldn’t. But here, the characters (on Cap’s side, at least) are just there because they needed an even number of characters on each team. It is the literal definition of forced.

Say, didn’t Witch’s brother die in the last movie? And she feels nothing from that!? No trauma, no depression, nothing!? Damn, was his character that bland and nonexistent that even his own sister gives less of a fuck about his death!? Fucking Age of Ultron came out last year, and we don’t know how much time passed in universe so we can’t even imagine if she got over it, but not even a single mention or callback!? Everyone in this movie only seem to acknowledge that Sokovia blew up. Nothing about the Hulk-buster fight or Quicksilver’s unnecessary sacrifice. Nothing about how it affected Witch in anyway… oh who am I kidding, if Kevin Feige doesn’t give a shit about Cap’s consistency, why would Witch of all bitches matter?

I also hate how Witch gets recruited by having Hawkeye basically strong arming her. “Hey thanks for explaining WHY Cap needs our help! I apparently don’t need a good reason as I’m too underdeveloped to have any conflicting motivations to even have the capacity to REFUSE to help you despite the fact that you’re making an ass of yourself. But fuck it, I need to get off mine because the plot needs a 6th team member! YAY IM IMPORTANT!!”

 

So Cap First gets his gear back from Sharon Carter whom he also shares a kiss with because hey it happened in the comics so there’s NO reason w/e to take time to develop an actual relationship. “We assume you don’t care about Captain America enough to see his love life, so phone it in! She has big tits and that’s all that matters.” And it’s literally the last time we see her in this movie!!! They didn’t give a shit about anything!

 

Anywho, Cap, Falcon, and Bucky meet up with the rest of their criminals in an airport because I guess no one would look to an airport to catch a terrorist. Why not use Nick Fury’s underground bunker from Winter Soldier instead of conducting your business out in the open? Oh because we need that big super hero fight immediately after the scene! Gotcha. Ant Man cops a feel on Cap’s man boobs and I’m supposed to find that funny instead of weird, innappropiate, and arbitrary. Is Disney promoting a lifestyle here?

Now comes the biggest super hero fight of the century!!!

 

First up, we get the reveal that Iron Man made Spider-Man’s suit… wait. WHAT!? Iron Man gave Spider-Man his iconic design!? Ok, so you give him Ultron (which I kinda accepted) and then you gave him Vision (which I felt was being too generous, but I rolled with it)… But now you cocksuckers give him Spider-Man’s iconic costume!? An element that in ALL Spider-Man adaptations was a costume that Peter Parker HIMSELF created!? FUCK YOU IN THE EAR MOVIE!!!!1111!1!1!

 

I swear, it’s like these bastards are just screaming in your face “everything that occurs in the MCU couldn’t happen without Iron Man’s contributions”. He saves the day in BOTH Avengers movies, is responsible for the creation of the Avengers deadliest villain, and creation of 1 of their most powerful members, and now he’s responsible for making Spider-Man’s iconic fucking costume, complete with shitty CGI work throughout to show us how much of a last minute addition he was to the overall movie, it’s like Wonder Woman in BvS. Shill Tony Stark, Bury Steve Rodgers!

But fuck all that, ITS TIME TO DDDDDUEL!!!!

 

Now, this is the highlight of the movie and is literally the best damn super hero fight in cinematic history… but it ruins Spider-Man for me. Mainly due to his dialogue. Exhibit

 

“You have the right to remain silent!”

Personal gripe, but he says this to Falcon. A black super hero. I know he’s 12 and is just excited to fight people, but in a time where cops seem to be on a murderous rampage against black folks, you think the script might’ve been a little tone deaf about that?

 

“Id love to chat, but I really need to impress Mr. Stark..”

…Are you fucking serious!? That’s your whole motivation right there? These guys want to stop a league of assasins, but you want “senpai” to notice you!? Get the fuck out of here, Spider-Man would never say some shit like that in a fight.

 

“Look kid, there’s some things you don’t understand…”

“Mr. Stark said you’d say that! He also said go for your legs!”

Ok I’m getting pissed now. Spider-Man’s only means of actually damaging Cap depends on advice from a guy who never thinks to do this himself! And the sad part is… that’s absolutely correct as Cap proceeds to kick his lily ass for the rest of the fight.

 

“What else did Stark tell you?”

“That you’re wrong, you think you’re right, and that makes you dangerous”

…Holy shit. You sir are not Spider-Man.

You’re some horrid creature masquerading as him. So because Irons told you that Cap is a bad person, you believe it outright? You could swear… SWEAR that this poor child was horribly indoctrinated before going into battle!

Spider-Man had many flaws, but none of them included niavete. He usually thinks long and hard about all of his decisions before ultimately making these tough choices. And a lot of those decisions came independently from everyone else. He doesn’t just mindlessly join a cause for the sake of a complete stranger who somehow knows your secret identity. Why would anyone trust a person who SPIES on you in his spare time!? And why would you believe everything that comes out of his mouth!?

Are there any Dynasty Warriors fans in this audience? If so, do you like Guan Yu? No? Then you must his fictional kids! Well, maybe not Yinping because teh sexy legs, but in general you know why they’re shit. Because they are but mere extensions of Guan Yu and serve as nothing more than mouth pieces to preach about Guan Yu’s greatness. They have no individual thoughts of their own it seems. Spider-Man… is dangerously crossing into Guan Suo territory. Hell, his costume work is about as real as Guan Suo’s existence. He has no thoughts of his own, mindlessly takes orders without question, and is obsessed with gaining Tony’s approval. Wasn’t Black Widow supposed to be an extention of Iron Man seeing as she’s just as irritating and snarky!? Why did he need another one!? And why Spider-Man!?

 

Ugh… anywho, for some bizarre reason that will never be explained, Widow allows Cap and Bucky to escape. And the plot decided it would be funny if War Machine got owned, so they have Vision shoot him out of the air for trailer bait, but he survives to be crippled. Can’t have too many black super heroes, yah know?

I also like how Iron Man shoots Falcon after he fucking apologized to him even though Falcon never shot Machine out of the air, but does Jack shit to Vision… who DID shoot Machine… and didn’t apologize for it either!!! Again… how do people still like this asshat!? Normal people would be like “he’s an insensitive and inconsiderate asshole” but he continues to be showered with praise because he’s just so gosh darn witty! And “he” brought Spider-Man into MCU so fuck you!

Iron Man actually bothers to do some research and finds out that Barely Zemo blew up the embassy and wants that army of super soldiers. So he goes to the Raft prison and ofcourse gives a verbal smackdown to Hawkeye and Ant Man because we just needed to shill him more than usual and give him moral superiority because reasons. It’s unfortunate because this asshat acknowledges Hawkeye’s stupidity and lack of relevance to the plot.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about Ant Man. So Pym is very secretive about his work, right!? Not wanting it to fall into the wrong hands like Howard Stark or Cross or the Government… which it is clearly at the mercy of. The government could study his suit and it’s properties or worse, Irons can replicate it for his own evil purposes. Pym should be furious that Scott would jeopardize his life’s work just for a crossover opportunity. Also, with his criminal history and lack of connections to people who would bother to bail him out, how would he plan to get out of prison? How would explain this shit to his ex-wife? Isn’t his prison terms the reason she wouldn’t let him near his daughter… which was his primary motivation for putting up with the Pym’s abuse!? For beating Yellow Jacket!? And here, he just says “durr ok! I’m gonna fight this battle that has Jack shit to do with me!” Consistency!

They literally gave Iron Man all the characters that have moral superiority and legit reasons to be fighting (not to mention being a vastly overpowered team, what with Spider-Man, Vision, and Panther) while Cap’s side is filled with morons who have no reason to fight with Cap at all and are grossly underpowered to deal with Iron Man’s team. Disney couldn’t help themselves. It’s amazing they held their own at all.

So Falcon coughs up the location of a Hydra base in Siberia where Cap and Bucky are. Irons arrives to call a truce and stop Zemo… which he immediately calls off over a video tape.

 

Lets talk about Zemo’s plan. He goes around killing Hydra soldiers because he wants info on “mission report 12/16/91”, but then decides to mind control bucky to get that information, goes to Siberia and finds this badass army of super soldiers… only to kill them off if only for the writers to show that they don’t make mindless cliches, all in order to show Iron Man a video tape of his parents getting killed by Bucky. Then plans to commit suicide. First of all, if he wanted that mission report, he couldve used the Internet more. He does mention that Hydra’s secrets were leaked on the internet, but that somehow didn’t include that specific mission report!? Secondly, an army of super soldiers would make useful body guards and you could’ve used them for a LOT of missions or other shit, but you kill them off because you don’t like metahumans. You could’ve kick started the Masters of Evil you son of a bitch! Third, that video tape wasn’t at all disclosed in Widow’s big leak from Winter Soldier? How!? And lastly, if all he wanted was info regarding Tony’s parents, he couldn’t get THAT from Bucky instead of going all the way to Siberia? Oh and he waits patiently for Iron Man to come to the facility and watch it? What if he never showed up to watch it? Zemo’s plan (if you can call it that) is based entirely on fucking luck, and makes no logical sense. But wait, if he was desperate to get this mission report, then it means he’s had knowledge of the Stark’s murder for quite some time now, and instead

Of sending Tony some mail or w/e to egg him into wanting to kill Bucky, he decides to gamble on Iron Man’s mental instability so that they would kill each other. And what would he hope to accomplish with just 3 deaths? Civil War is so focused on maintaining this theme of lost loved ones (unless you’re Scarlet Witch) that it pushes it at the expense of logic. Zemo’s plan is ass backwards. Let’s not even talk about how there is HD quality street cams in 1991, or why the Starks would take an old forest road to get to an airport.

But fuck all that, it’s time to completely ruin this movie!

 

So you know how in BvS how Lex goads Superman into fighting Batman via kidnapping his mom? Yeah, Civil War ripped that off. Zemo goads Iron Man into fighting bucky and Cap. It’s the SAME DAMN THING!!! But you know, people actually like Iron Man so it’s ok for Disney to pull the same stunt. This plot twist is stupid, forced, rushed, and stupid. For a number of reasons, but I’ll list 4 since by now, you’re tired of my rambling.

 

1.Bucky should’ve just apologized. It might not have helped much seeing as Tony is a dick to those who do apologize (Falcon) but at least do that instead of pointing a fucking gun at him! All you’re doing is signaling that your own life is more important than squashing this beef.

 

2. When and where did Cap learn that Bucky murdered Tony’s parents!? Some theorists believe that it was revealed in Winter Soldier during Arnim Zola’s ranting, but who could memorize a few seconds of 1-2 images flashing rapidly and quickly transitioning to another image? And in a movie that gave fuck all about consistency!? Give me a break.

 

3. Cap had no real reason to reveal this information. He and Irons aren’t even friends for one. There was no mission importance that would require him to reveal, nor any feeling of guilt that would compell him to tell all. Lastly, Cap knows Irons is mentally unstable. Why would you trust a guy you clearly despise with information regarding your BFF? He made fucking Ultron!! Seeing as how Irons tries to kill them both instead of thinking “we’ll settle this after we take Zemo in”, I don’t blame Cap at all for keeping it a secret.             He has no obligation to Irons in any regard. Plus the fact that Irons has been antagonistic towards Cap almost exclusively (and he even mentions that he’s always hated Cap earlier), yeah. Besides, he’s never been shown to care about his parents until now because the writers needed a plot twist.

 

4. This makes Cap the unnofficial badguy of his own fucking movie because OMG HE KNEW!!! You horrible person!!! Everyone was pro-Cap until this very scene where everyone started thinking that Cap was an unrelenting bastard. You know, because beating up SWAT teams for trying to take in a known terrorist, and throwing civilians into harms way just to protect Bucky clearly didn’t piss anyone off!

This scene alone basically destroys the movie as the title character becomes the badguy in favor of coddling Iron Man fans. In just one stroke, Iron Man gets the full backing and support of the audience, and people were honestly hoping Cap would get killed off (plus for the diehards, it would’ve coincided with the comics as Cap died at the end of Civil War).

 

So what happens? Iron Man, considered the smartest man in the world, knowing full well they can take Zemo down with no trouble… gives into emotion and tries to kill Cap and Bucky. Now I’m certain no one pays attention to RDJ’s acting chops, but here, the movie is trying to convince me that Iron Man is pissed and out for blood. But his tone during this whole ordeal… never changes! Hey Russos! Tell RDJ to turn off his sarcastic asshat voice! One of you guys must have a bootleg copy and can easily listen to some choice lines here…

 

“Im eyeballin it”

“I don’t care. He killed my mum!”

“Lets kick his ass!”

“Stay down Cap. Final warning.”

“That shield belonged to my father… forgot the other lines”

 

He sounds so unconvincing. Like he was just phoning it in. Maybe he stopped caring when he read the script.

 

“(laughs) You fucks are serious!? You couldn’t give me a legit reason as to why I’d fight Cap to the death!? (laughs hysterically) you assbites are gonna have to pay me some good money if you’re gonna turn my character into an immature manchild!”

 

No really, highest paid actor out of ALL Avengers actors, and he wants more money. Yep.

 

Anywho, Cap kicks Iron ass, Bucky gets his arm blown off, and Cap ditches his shield. I guess he felt he owed Tony that much.

So Machine is paralyzed, Panther bizarrely let’s Zemo live even though he KNOWS this bastard killed his father, and Cap breaks out his prison buddies. Damn, even in the end, they couldn’t keep Cap an asshole. But then he writes an apology letter, come on dawg! You already gave him your shield (and free Vibranium, you dumb fuck), you don’t need to kiss his ass further. But w/e. He’s hangin out with Panther (who’s totally gonna give him a new shield anyway). Then we get another scene where Spider-Man gets his obscure Spidey Signal… from Tony Stark… as well…

 

…………….Ffffffffffuuuuuuuu…

 

*sigh* Its pretty hard to rate this movie fairly. Its not a bad movie persay, its got great action, better comedy relief that didnt feel desperate, the characters were still likable, Black Panther was amazing, seeing Giant Man was a real treat, and it washed the bad taste of “Age of Ultron” out of our mouths.

But all of it’s qualities came at the complete and total expense of everything else. The movie runs on an idiot plot where characters are… out of character, Captain America gets pushed aside to make room for Iron Man, Spider-Man sucked, the major plot of the Sokovia accords is ignored, Zemo was a lousy and shoehorned villain, half the cast doesn’t even have avoid reason to be in the movie, and the final fight was caused by an extremely lousy plot twist that no one seems bothered by. It’s got so many problems, almost as numerous as BvS, but because it’s funny and lighthearted, no one has the balls to call the film out on it’s faults (probably cause the MCU has rabbid fanboys). Overall, it feels like a rushed marketing opportunity for Disney to sell more toys when the first 2 Captain America movies were so great.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Anything that is merchandise driven is ultimately neutered, and this Disney’s entire thought process. It’s shocking that the first Avengers movie turned out so well, but everything phase 2 and beyond (with the exception of Winter Soldier and Ant Man) is just a barrage of shit movies to sell merchandise. If Guardians of the Galaxy and Age of Ultron weren’t convincing enough, here’s Civil War to make it clear that it’s only gonna get worse from here on out. Half-assed comic relief, shitty costumes, and product placement for future movies (because simply announcing them over the Internet is too much work).

 

It’s unfortunate that it works so well for them that their success has ensured that quality control will never be enforced. I honestly have no hope for Dr. Strange or Black Panther, or they might turn out decent and fool me into thinking they care (like AntMan did) and shit all over my expectations when the next movie comes out.

Sure, DC movies suck too, but they aren’t created with the intention of selling toys. You get the feeling that WB wants to make legitimately good films, that they care about their fans, that they don’t just want to make mindless comic book movies that target the LCDs exclusively, that the source material matters. They’re fucking up badly, but they’re at least trying. It’s more than I can say for Disney.

 

And Black Widow remains terrible.

 

 

Well… shit.

 

I have to be careful with all this excitement. This games looks exactly what I’ve been wanting from this franchise for… how many years passed since Knuckles Chaotix? I mean… Techno Dreamworld is back!! Hell, Studiopolis alone looks mother fucking delicious!!

 

I’m not particularly thrilled about the first zone being a clone of Green Hill or that there’s only 3 characters to play, and while they’re ones I actually give a fuck about… no Espio? Rouge? Still no Mighty or Ray? Oh who am I kidding, since everyone including the guy making this game claims that extra characters are ruining the franchise.

 

Eh, I can’t complain too much. It’s more than I can say for that other game. I thought the whole “Retro Sonic meets Retard Sonic” gimmick was only for 1 game, what the fuck is this “Join the Resistence” bullshit with 2 different Sonics!? It’s like Sega wants to dig into the past and ruin SatAM (man this nickname is terrible).

 

I get this feeling that they’re trying to go the whole “alternate universe” gig that… surprisingly worked well for comic books. Sega’s never been subtle when it came to a direction that they’re going with in any franchise while half-assing the actual direction. And if that is the direction they’re going, it’s already being half-assed. You don’t need 2 different Sonics in 1 game to establish this, just make 2 separate series.

Again, I can’t complain too much because we’re moving away from that unmitigated shit piece that is Sonic Boom, and all it’s moronic supporters shall be silenced. Hopefully it stays that way.

I mean… just LOOK at Studiopolis!! That LOOKS like a goddamn Sonic game!!! Nothing screams “I wanna be just like Mario when the industry crashes!!”. That’s vintage shit right there! The animations are beautiful too! Did Sega really green light this!? I thought they were so busy trying to DESTROY the franchise!! It’s unfathomable that they even gave someone the go ahead to make an actual Sonic game for once.

I’m just hoping Taxman or w/e the fuck he calls himself resists the incredible urge to flood this game with puzzles and fetch quests, especially since western developers Jack off to things that pad out the game’s length. I’m looking at you Castlevania: Lords of Shallow. Tomb Raider 2013… practically any computer-centric game that came out after 2003.

I’m fucking serious, if I catch myself having to light some torches in some “intricate but horribly HORRIBLY impractical” method of opening a doorway, I will raze this Earth!

House of Blues? Seems appropiate considering the state of this franchise.

I didn’t notice this before, but Sonic seems to have more conventions than any other franchise out there. I don’t think even Star Wars gets this much love. It feels as though they’re trying to compensate for the franchise’s downfall.

I wish Sega spent this amount of time and thought into making better Sonic games, but eh, a party is cheaper. So now they’re “teasing” a new Sonic game announcement. Oh joy, after turning Sonic Dash (the only REAL success they have at this point) into a Boom knock off, having a Boom sequel (as insulting as that is), another damn olympics sequel, and a movie deal with Sony (you know, the guys who FUCKED UP the Amazing Spiderman reboot, and aren’t known for making quality products), I’m just SO certain that w/e the hell they’re teasing is enough to reinvigorate my faith in the franchise! The future of Sonic just couldn’t look any brighter!

I have to puke at Aaron Weber’s comment. If you’re not saying there’s a game announcement at this party, then you should probably shut the fuck up. You know what really pisses me off? This “party” takes place at Comic-Con, an event usually attended by adults. Sega has been aggressively targeting CHILDREN with this series. So if they were serious with the direction they werre taking this franchise, they might as well find a Chuck E Cheese somewhere, cause whatever they plan to show is not going to excite adults in any way. This is probably why Weber’s comment irritates me so much. He throws these “teases” around as though he’s talking to children.

If Sega was actually serious about improving Sonic, they shouldn’t be waiting until a party to announce anything. This shit only works when a franchise is in a good state. It feels childish and obnoxious that, considering modern day Sonic is shit, they would use a party or an event to showcase a new game, which for all intents and purposes WILL suck! If the future of Sonic is just more “Boom”, then we can all just say “Good night, sweet prince” and continue bitching about Nintendo’s idiocy. Or Sony’s refusal to drop the prices of their fucking PS3 controllers. But don’t embarrass the fandom with a party when the games are a steaming pile of cow dung! Fix the franchise FIRST! Then you can have ALL the parties you want!

The food better not be shit either, resturaunt owning mother fuckers…

Granted, I haven’t played that long (first day and all), but man it runs like piss. Is it because I’m on a 2DS and it can’t handle the alleged awesomeness of the game, or what? Its like trying to play Diablo 3 on an old Windows computer, with those big ass blocky monitors from back in the day. And Linkle (Linket sounds better, btw)

Anywho, since I obviously haven’t played much, I can’t comment. So instead of that, I’m talking about LBX.

The greatest 3DS game ever!

Behold, young ones! You stare into the visage… of greatness!

CUSTOM ROBO! It was a work of beauty. One of the Gamecube’s rarest of reasons… to own that piece of shit console! Twus a game that me feel truly validated for picking the inferior console!

Actually fuck it. Custom Robo was the tits! I would literally spend an entire night just perfecting my Chickenheart wit the Splash/Air Dive Charge Combo and completely fuck up whoever thought they could win by spamming gattling guns, or going with the Lightening Sky Models and raping everything with the After Burners or the Hornets or what may have you. This shit would turn you into a retarded ass Batman, if you will! All this “prep time” and shit you had to deal!?

Ok look, Custom Robo wasn’t the most bomb game on Cube, but would you honestly pick dat Fire Emblem shit over fucking ROBOTS!?

So after what felt like an eternity after playing the inferior Custom Robo Arena on DS (I still aint finish dat shit), I was wondering “when NIntendo gonna come out with a sequel!?”. Yeah, I know, Custom Robo sold like shit,but so did Pikmin, and that weak ass series got a sequel just cause Nintendo has a hard on for big noses. And swords. Come on, 6 Fire Emblem characters? Just cause Sakurai loves that piece of shi-ok I’m rambling again.

If you or anyone else has been missing Custom Robo, LBX is literally the closest thing you can get to a damn fine substitute.

LBX is a “Mon” type game where the main character, Van or w/e, dreams of having his own killer toy robot. But his mama won’t let him have one because she has husband issues. But one day, a crazy stupid hot chick gives him a briefcase for no reason. Remember kids! Always trust strangers you would totally pork! ……God, that was horrible…

Anywho, when Van gets home, he cracks open the case to find a Mega Man toy.

After Van marvels at his first robot, he is immediately attacked by 3 robots controlled by literal clones (not making this up), so he grabs out his extroller (its a cell phone, really) and proceeds to tear ass. I have to ask, how the fuck do you control robots with cell phones!? It looks complicated.

After the mighty tutorial battle, Van finds his living room is fucked up with bullet holes (O_O) and what not. Yes, these things CAN kill you. And just when you thought he couldn’t be more fucked, his mama comes home, sees her son busted to the living room to shit… and then sees the blue LBX. Logically, this would be his ass for days… but she just says “ok w/e, have fun honey”.

So, the next day, the Mama basically reveals that “It is time for Van to RISE AND BECOME A HERO!” Yeah… the story is kinda dumb, but surprisingly well told that you don’t care about the logic. That or my expectations were severely low.

I’ll say 1 thing, this game gets a thousand bad ass points for actually trying to use a toy robot… to assasinate a mayor! Or using toy robots to send a train running out of control, or just using these toys to initiate a large scale energy crisis. The amount of plots used in this game, and the sheer scale at which they present the dangers of said plots are at times amazing. Sure, the plot loses points for literally having people that cheat Van’s way into victory… over… and over again, but eh. And Amy is completely useless as a person. Otherwise, the story is manageable, and interesting for an excuse plot.

As for the actual game itself? Virtual-On with better controls.

Battles can be fought from 2 to 6 players in typical 3rd person action. Like Custom Robo, you have the opportunity to customize yo shit before a fight. Unlike Custom Robo, fights aren’t entirely dependant on your current equipment… or at least the guns.

You have Guns, Swords, Spears, Knives, Hammers, all kinds of fine weaponry to equip your death machines with. You can also customize the robots entire frame with different set pieces. So you can have like a Gorilla’s arms with Chameleon feet. Why you would want that is anyone’s guess. Beyond the robot frame and weapons, you can also equip special moves which (like lots of games these days) are prone to micromanagement, and they aren’t really all that useful except for the crazy overpowered Super Moves. You know, the ones that have those long cutscenes to emphasize the seering pain it will inflict upon your soul.

Beyond that, you can also customize the Robo’s internal circuitry. Yeah, no bull. You can literally crack the muthas open and fiddle with their CPU, their battery, the core, the processor, all of these things really affect the stats of your robo and how well they perform. Defenses, how many stocks of super guage you get, how fast your guages charge up, how much you resist certain attacks, the kinds of special moves you gain access to, all of it is in the internal parts of the robo you have.

First time I played this game, this shit confused me. Cause there’s so much to keep track, especially the different parts being of different shapes and sizes, so you couldn’t have like several different pieces all over the place. It’s like Resident Evil 4 inventory management system where you’re constantly rearranging shit around to make stuff fit properly just so you can have more room for shit you don’t need. It just ends up with you screaming at the screen until you’re blue in the tits.

Tedious customizations aside, the battle system. You’ve got regular controls, and you got touch screen controls. Both sides are optional, so… don’t worry. Since my shoulder buttons are all shit, I had to stomach the touch screen for certain functions ANYWHO…

Like I said, battles can be from 2-6 combatants on-screen. You can use either a combination of close range or long range attacks. Depending on the gear you have, your robos can be slow or weak. Swords and Knuckle weapons are usually the fastest up close while Polearms, Hammers etc. are slower but hit harder, you get the idea. Also depending on your parts, your robo will excel at certain weapons better than others.

The fighting itself is at a decent pace, if you’ve played games like J-Stars or Digimon All-Star Rumble, or even Xenoverse, this game is pretty similar to some extent. The difference is this game plays better. For one, it doesn’t whore itself out to some puss ass Stamina system (even though LBX still has one). Another is that the fights aren’t as chaotic as the other games, so it’s easier to focus on the actual combat.

1 thing I will say is that guns… dominate… everything. Keeping yourself at a distance and shooting people will often win out more than close quarters. Especially those goddamn snipers with their… high damage… bullets! Its always those damned Snipers that destroy everyone!

So that’s the only real bad aspect of combat in that guns are easy mode and swords are for the non-pussies who know how to get around them. There’s nothing hard about using close-range weapons, but its dealing with bastards that know how to shoot and aim.

….I really don’t how to describe the combat, ok look ITS JUST FUN, ALRIGHT!?

with all that said, there is an aspect of the game I really don’t like, and it’s the sidequests. These are the only real shitty parts of the game, and them being optional, yes I know. The problem with the sidequests is knowing exactly what you are supposed to do. This is a game that really needs a serious game guide with details on everything. There was this one sidequest where you are sent on an errand to retrieve, are you ready for this!? FUCKING CUP CAKES! Not exactly the item, but close enough. You’re supposed to go to this food area and ask a lady if they have any. But you find that they don’t, so you go back to the girl that gave you the quest, but she tells you the same thing. Bring the bitch some cupcakes. Now, I scoured what little internet I could use to see what was wrong, because it took me 1 whole month to figure this out and complete the whole quest. Getting the cupcakes… is entirely RNG based. So you’re supposed to go back everyday, periodically, and check to see if they have cupcakes. And this is RNG, so you’re gonna be checking it over and over and over until you get those cupcakes.

This is one of the most obnoxious, arbitrary side quests in the whole game, and the reward for that quest is mediocre. Thats kind of the thing. Sidequests offer very little in the way of rewards, and if you’re lucky, you get an LBX card (I’ll explain later). Otherwise, they’re a waste of time and not worth the effort of long ass treks between different city blocks (too much backtracking)

So that’s 1 segment of replay value, the rest is… basically going OCD and trying to find more robo parts and sets, and the best way to do that is through the LBX Arcade, where you find LBX cards, slip em in a machine, and then fight the cards themselves. This way, you can gain new parts… randomly. Yeah. You know where that goes.

Overall, sure, I might’ve exxagerated on how awesome this bitch is… but shit, idc, THIS GAME IS BEYOND A FUCK LOAD OF AWESOMENESS! If you need action games where you kick a lot of robot ass, LBX is the game for you! I guess Level 5 gotta compensate for Nintendo’s bitch asses while they futz with Pokemon’s generic gen 7 names.

Seriously, “Sun and Moon”? Could they be any less original?

I dont even think anyone comes here anymore.😛

Where to begin? Well aside from literally wanting to kill cats and the Warner Bros. for FUCKING CANCELLING MKX… nothing really. Some reason, I now have a laptop as a gift… which caused unnecessary drama too foolish to explain. Deadpool movie was the tits. That’s rich. Fox did X-Men right for a change! That was 100% vintage Deadpool! And unlike the game,  the comedy didn’t feel forced at all! …….oh who am I kidding, I’ll be “wrong” about that somehow.

Anywho, gamewise, I’ve come to learn something. Namco is to Japanese games as a curling iron is to the dick.

Shit… redefined

To be a Tales fan means to have to constantly battle against any and all desires to interact with the fans of said franchise, for there is no threat to your sanity greater  than those that live and breathe this shit.

The Tales games I only invest in for comedic purposes as thus far, somehow, the Japanese actually learned how to be funny… or the localizers used to work on the Mario RPGs. At first glance, you could look at these games and assume they’re Japanese wank fests (it’s not THAT far from the truth), but by some bastion of great fortune, these games managed to exceed the stereotypical nonsense that most JRPGs are prone to (like Star Ocean), and actually entertains you. Sure, they’re long, stretched out, padded out the ass, and can wax poetic about nonsense like the rest of the Animu shmuck, but hey, as long as it’s not a huge bore, then it’s all good.

…….That stopped being the case with Zestiria.

This game, for some reason, managed to be worse than Xillia 1. Worse than Abyss. Worse than… hell, Sticker Star! Yeah…. that’s right, bitch! Sticker Star kicks more ass than Zestiria! Why!? That game’s mere premise alone writes itself!!

……… Oh nevermind. Lets get into it.

Bullshit is about Sorey, your typical JRPG protagonest who is confident, adventurous, and gets randomly picked as the chosen one to save the world, simply because a girl likes him. Sorey is on a mission to liberate the world from the “malevolence”.

He is joined by his best friend Mikleo, a character named after a McDonalds Happy Meal, and has a permanently resting bitch face. One would assume he would be a rival or possibly evil person, but no, he’s just the buttmonkey who complains about everything.

Along the way, Sorey gains the motivation to bring Humans and Seraphim together in harmony. Oh right… Seraphim are beings that live among Humans. Humans can’t see them (except for Sorey) or interact with them in any way. Which makes one of Sorey’s desires… pretty impossible to pull off… or just make sense of. He wants to bring 2 species together when one doesn’t even know the other exists. Right. Someone didn’t check the logic of their universe before handing out character motivations. Oh right, Mikleo is a Seraph too, which makes it look like Sorey is talking to himself… but barely anyone cares.

Sorey is also joined by Lailah, the fanservice bimboo who looks like a stick figure with boobs. Basically a One-Piece character. The voice of reason who randomly rambles about rabbits when conversations get uncomfortable, or makes really shitty attempts at humor because reasons. I would’ve guessed that this was because she was hiding some vaguely terrible secret, that ol’ foreshadowing technique, but an inept idiot could figure out the plot a mile away. And of course, the cast of characters are inept idiots.

Next, there’s Edna, a total cunt that makes Anise Tatlin look the best damn character in Abyss. A “child” genius, she insults everyone’s intelligence, constantly harrasses the McSandwich man, gives everyone stupid nicknames because Japan that would be cute, and makes lewd jokes. Also contributes to 0% of the plot, making her creation solely to piss you off.

Lastly, you have Dezel who’s just as much of a jerkass as Edna… but he dies…. so instead you have Zavied, a shirtless guy voiced by Guile in SF4. Zavied is just a black Zelos Wilder… without all the annoying qualities, and actually makes the game better by default.

Then you have Alisha, a hot white chick voiced by Chun Li from SF4. A princess who fights with a spear, is proactive, will do anything for the safety of her country, and doesn’t cry about shit! But then she leaves when you find out Sorey is allergic to real women… so instead you have to put up with The Mary Sue, Rose. A ninja chick whose only real quality is dat ass. She’s the leader of a merchant… that moonlights as an assasins guild. And somehow a bitch who threatens a kid is pure enough to be Sorey’s Squire…. oh fuck, I forgot to explain that.

*Deep Breath*

Sometime in the beginning of the game, Sorey becomes a “shepard”, a being that can make pacts with warrior Seraphs to kick sufficient amounts of ass, and save the world from the “Malevolence”, which is really just humanity’s own evil (this is game is about religion. Yep). Sorey can also “Armatize” (a fancy word for “fusion” because Japan LOVES fusions! Fusions are IMPOSSIBLE TO ESCAPE!) with the 4 aformentioned Seraphs (Mikleo, Edna, Lailah, Zaveid/Dezel). As a Shepard, Sorey can… “hire” a squire to assist him. Alisha was originally that Squire. But for some reason, Sorey kept losing his senses. Somehow, that was Alisha’s fault. Lets see, a Shepard had to be all pure and shit, and I guess that also applies to the squire. But there was absolutely NOTHING to imply that Alisha was impure. Infact, she was anything BUT impure. But w/e. Japan needed a “BS the player by taking away one of their party members” quota filled and Alisha was the first victim”.

The replacement would be Rose, a bitch so upseld, she’s pure enough to be a better squire than Alisha and even ARMATIZE as well, even though she 1.) Threatened a Child. 2.) Deceived Knights. 3.) Fucking murdered people (she is an assasin, afterall). 4.) Punched the Shepard himself. 5.) Talks about people behind their backs. And of course, she gave the world a pretext for war… so yeah, I’m gonna call bullshit and say Namco played favoritism with this character. Doesn’t help her personality is dismissive. It wouldn’t be enough to bullshit with her, but the game expects you to admire her as much as everyone else does. Even Mikleo, the guy who is overly critical about EVERYONE in the game… believes her dismissiveness is “awesome”. And everyone else follows suit in praising her for basically talking shit.

And the game…doesn’t….stop…. praising her. She might as well be the main character! It must be dat ass…

These days, JRPGs are dependent on good story because they have nothing else going for them, and Zestiria is FUCKED UP about both it’s narrative AND it’s characters. The Story gets repetitive after Alisha leaves, the characters themselves are irritating and/or dull, and shifting all the focus from how to make the world a better place, but to how the game can glorify Rose even further than she needs. The non-stop egotrain that is Rose destroys any semblance of “giving fucks” I might have had with the game, cause in the end, I wanted them all to die… which actually happens. No bullshit.

Anywho, I haven’t even gotten to the GAMEPLAY… which actually makes the experience WORSE. For those who played Xillia 2, awesome battle system, right? Fast paced, easy to understand, easy to play, and Chromatus made everything a joke. Yeah… take EVERYTHING AWAY… and completely fuck it all up. All of it. Fucked beyond. Beyond fucked, I don’t care.

The original battle system of every game starting with Symphonia was basically Smash Bros. meeting Street Fighter. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked. Battles were fought in 3D arenas with 2D fighting. Characters walked in straight lines toward their enemies and had regular melee attacks and special attacks mapped to a different button. Both moves are done Smash Bros. style so pressing in a direction while pressing special does something and yadda yadda. You could FULLY CUSTOMIZE your characters moves and what not. If this laptop didn’t suck ass so much, I could find pictures to illustrate this. Just go to youtube or some shit.😛

With a battle system that WORKED JUST FINE, Namco buttfucks the money bed and decides to change it for absolutely no reason other than “because change is awesome”. Now the battle system is in Psuedo 3D and it is literally impossible to perform precise moves. Instead of 2D battles where the camera is situated horizontaly with your party on the left hand side and enemies on the right-hand, now you have stupid 3rd person wannabe shit going on now. Changing the camera perspective was the absolute dumbest move in Tales history. It feels awkward walking up and down when spent all this time walking left and right… like in a fighting game! Depth perception wasn’t an issue until here where I have to try even harder to judge the distance between me and my enemies. The amount of times I’ve missed attacks by even a few inches because I can’t see the space I should’ve cleared is a hassle. I felt like I had to use Semi-auto for once! Fucking hate Semi-auto.

It’s harder to perform normal attacks and special moves. Not because of the camera, but because the actual moves themselves changed. Back in the past, normals and specials were mutually exclusive. Normal attacks had their own combos and what not. In Zesty, however, Namco decided to migrate… fucking specials into normal attack combos. You know what that means!? If you want to use Sword Rain or some shit, you have to press Normal 4 fucking times and the 4th, you have to press into a direction for that specific move to come out. This is like those combo rings that Long and Shenlong had in Bloody Roar, but unfun. Because battle controls are kinda wonky, you end up whiffing your combos. So you may get to use Sword Rain, or you may not.

If moves like Sword Rain remained as purely special attacks, I wouldn’t care. But having to endure these migrated special Normal Combo Rings during a battle ends up being a real drag.

Then there’s the Armatis system. The aformentioned “fusion” system because Japan masterbates to fusions, Sorey and that irritating bitch can Armatize with the other 4 party members to gain new powers. Lailah will give you a fire sword, Mikleo gives you a Hydro Bow, Edna gives you Rock fists, and Dezel/Zaveid gives you… windy wings? Meh, the Armatis system was fun at first, but then it present a glaring problem. You would need at least 2 characters that weren’t Seraphs present… at all times. Meaning if you wanted to avoid using Rose or Sorey… tough titty. You have to put up with those 2 in every….single….battle. This mean Rose’s terrible AI will blow through your Seraphs fast. About that, if you die but have an extra Seraph in reserve, you could swap out 1 Seraph for the other, Armatize, and abuse this for the whole game… if ROSE doesn’t ruin everything. Good thing Seraphs can self heal, even after knockout.

So Armatize would be kewl… if… you know… enemies didn’t arbitrarily ramp up all kinds of resistences. You see, midway through this unnecessarily long fuck of a game, enemies start gaining random super armor, meaning that you attack them, they don’t get stunned, and you might get hurt in the process. Enemies such unbelievable resistences, particularly normal and they love to resist fire. Armatis gives you permant elemental attacks so if you fight an enemy with fire resistence, Lailah is useless. But what if you fight enemies with 2 resistences? Then you’re handicapped. Armatis is, unfortunately, the only way to do any real damage to enemies, particularly Lailah and Edna Armatizing, so if enemies have an assload of resistences (and shit, quite a few enemies have had up to 4 fucking resistences), that Armatis won’t do you a bit of good. And this also goes for that bullshit Combo Ring. You have to keep good memory of what each move does, elemental properties… oh who am I kidding, you might whiff into a move that has exactly what the enemies are resistant against, so you’re fucked either way.

Did I mention there’s a fucking STAMINA SYSTEM in this game!? Oh yes, Namco MASTERBATES to stamina systems! Thank Amma that Tekken and Soul Calibur don’t have that bullshit, but Namco makes sweet luv to de Stamina systems. Instead of an MP meter, your special attacks (and even your NORMAL attacks) run on Stamina. It depletes little by little everytime you attack, free run, etc. Here’s the thing. THe less Stamina you have, the more damage you do, which is basically 1 big fuck you, because then you’d attack lesser and less. This little quirk makes no sense overall and means if you want to do more damage (which is about as noticable as a good Sonic game these days) you’d have to mash away. Oh but that’s not even the worst part. You know that whole cooking thing the Tales series had? You know, that totally useless feature that you never used? Well, you better start using it  because if you don’t feed your asshole team, their stamina starts getting lowered before a battle starts, so if they’re hungry, their stamina might be at fucking Zero. Dats right! You have to actually FEED the bastards! But wait… if I starved them, they do more damage. WORK FOR YOUR MEALS, ASSHOLES!

TLDR, fuck you battle system. You ruined everything. Even the pacing is slower than dirt.

Zestiria is a game that makes me run away from the franchise. The bullshit I assumed about the series before was epitomized in this game. I can’t believe I miss Jude Mathis. At least he kept his mouth shut.. most of the time. Actually, now that I think about it, the Xillia folks were probably the most down to Earth characters in the whole series. But here, it’s like the characters aren’t even… organic. They’re poorly written cardboards for the most part.

And even the gameplay was ruined. You’d think as stagnate as Japanese developers are, they would keep everything as it is with some minor gimmick (Armatus), but shit. I couldn’t even stomach finishing the damned game. Do not play… ever.

Getting away from Tales crap, I soon looked at my collection and had no idea I bought so many Namco games (since company logos are invisible to me until I first boot up the game). Digimon All Star Rumble, had no idea Namco was behind it… probably why that game sucks. J-Stars Victory Vs, no idea Namco was behind it, surprised it doesn’t suck. Dragonball XenoVerse, same story as J-Stars.

And before anyone asks, yeah, I bought J-Stars Victory Vs. And I love it. Come on, why would I pass up the opportunity to take YuYu Hakusho and mother fucking Ruroni Kenshin… and beat the literal shit out of those Naruto characters!!!!!!? ……….It’s RURONI KENSHIN!! Young asses don’t know SHIT about real cartoons! Was hoping Inuyasha was in this game so I could whoop his ass too. Faggot ass Samurai with Cat ears!? Come on…

All 3 of these games have the same glaring issue. Micromanagement. And like I said, Namco jacks off to micro management. Each of these 3 games present “systems” where you must manage a Stamina bar while fighting against hoardes of Astonishingly good AI. You need Stamina to Dash, to use specials, to power up, to guard against attacks, to escape combos, you name it. Each of these games require a Stamina meter. And I ask WHYYY!? Some would argue that it balances the game, and I say they’re idiots. You don’t balance the game by handicapping the players, you balance the game by making sure the characters aren’t too goddamn powerful. And looking at Namco’s track record, fighting game balance isn’t their strongest quality.

Players like to spam moves. If it’s useful, they will not hesistate to abuse the ability. The only safe bet is to not put in such powerful fucking moves in the first place. Stamina systems of any kind only serve to hinder a player from increasing his/her chances of winning a match. It’s literally ridiculous that a single company has produced more games with Stamina ass wankery than an RPG company would. And for Dragon Ball, it’s overkill. We already have the ever-present Ki meter, but we need a secondary meter for other basic functions such as GUARDING!? I can’t tell you how many times getting Guard Broken has ruined my chances of winning missions, cause guard breaks means your whole stamina meter is destroyed and you need to recharge it. During recharge, you can’t guard, dash, or anything useful. It’s like getting dizzied in a regular fighter, but more obnoxious. If Tekken started using a Stamina, I wouldn’t be surprised but I doubt the fanbase would ass kiss that shit.

It’s like Namco set out to bust my balls with every game they produce. Even though I enjoy J-Stars and XenoVerse, these Stamina Systems ruin everything.

*sigh* Got 2 weeks of internet and a shitty Icraig to write this on…

 

Hello all who… still give a damn about this blog. I am very much aware that it has been damn near centuries since I last posted. Again, I still have no computer or internet to do so. Evicted my lazy ass room mate. Aint gonna be sleeping on my damn couch watching no big tooth Steve Harvey who thinks he can offer good dating advice! Or those fake cunts on “The Real”. You ever just watch mainstream tv and think “Am I getting old or is tv becoming more obnoxious?”. These 2 shows along with Wendy “Man jaw” Williams just drives my patience through the walls!

Despite the lack of internet, I have to admit it’s actually quite… relaxing. You don’t have to deal with jackoffs just because you said a few unkind words about so and so video game they happen to think is a great achievement. I already got a few chumps up my ass about Monster Hunter I see. God damn ya’ll can type some essays! It’s this thing about having to defend every single word you write up about so and so context that gets tiring after a while that… not having to worry about it around normal people outside of digital land is not a bad trade off. Well… aside from this one guy who keeps taunting me over having a PS4. Hope you enjoy Mortal Kombat X tomorrow you lucky bastard!!! Ugh! So pissed off about the delay. Pushed back until JUNE!!!? So… many words about that.

Hell, I would have words about this “Handsome collection” that rightfully has fans outraged. I would have words about the new Star Fox being “Episodic”. I could even have words about Destiny being online only (good thing I didn’t buy back in December, eh? :P) But… I’m in a good mood. The R button on my 2DS magically un-fucked itself so yay! More Tit or Alive Dimensions on the go!

Instead, I’ll just have words on 2 games that I had been anticipating since their announcement.

GUILTY GEAR XRD

Lemme tell yah, it makes no damn sense for one game to be so hard to track down. Having to traverse halfway across the county to pick up one copy is absurd. It also makes no sense to have less copies of the game distributed than Blaz fuckin Blue! Oh but I know I’ll be mauled with messages of how successful Blazblue is compared to Guilty Gear in the long run.

Anywho, after my perilous journey to find a game, I popped this bitch in actually expecting the worse. Considering what nonsense went into BlazBlue and seeing the characters that were already in this game were the “unique” ones, I figured the devs wanted to emphasis the character’s gimmicks. Come to find out, I need to stop being paranoid. Xrd plays more or less… exactly the same as previous GG titles. Meaning you’re not really missing out on anything by not playing this game.

Funny thing I noticed on the back of the box is how it advertises “a bunch of new characters”…. and you only have 3 available while 2 others are DLC. That ain’t a whole lot considering how small this roster is compared to…I think…. Accent Core was the last one? Anywho, the new characters available, Ramla…. fuck, I can’t spell that shit… the new black chick, lets just say that, is literally a button masher with 2 big ass swords and a talking head. This… “bed man”, probably the most bizarre character in any fighting game, has lots of Blazblue styled gimmicks, and Sin, another mother fucker voiced by the Frog Power Ranger. This man stays finding work! And you know the best part? All 3 of them are over-powered as shit.

While the game’s roster is tiny, I can’t be too upset. At least most of my mains are still in the game. It’s not like Smash Bros. where most of them were removed or nerfed to all hell that I can’t even marginally function in the game. I don’t quite see how this game is that much slower, however, considering some complaints were levied at the speed. About the only thing that is slower is some characters moves. You know that shit where Sol jumps at the edge of the screen and then does some bad ass “fly at you from across the screen like a boss” move? Well, it has an extra animation where if it connects, Sol will squish the opponent into the ground while burning them. Shit like that would make the game feel slower, definitely, but there’s not a whole lot of that going on. The mini cutscenes that occur after doing super moves is tiring, though. Almost makes me NOT want to use Sol’s Falcon Punch or w/e. Aside from that, w/e reduced speed there is.. is trivial at best.

There isn’t much I can say about gameplay, really. If you’ve played Guilty Gear before, nothing has changed… which is cool. It’s the same old Guilty Gear we’ve all enjoyed, now with more titties.

Everything else, though…. is fucked. I’m talking content. Xrd has practically tarnished, in my eyes, the image of this series. I’ve always imagined Guilty Gear as this series that was reminiscent of the early/mid/late 90’s anime (or the johnny come late exports from Toonami and Adult Swim) when they were still good. With a visual style and flair similar to Outlaw Star or whatnot. It had that distinct feeling to it that you got a cartoon from Japan that, while kinda fucked up, was still moderately awesome. Xrd, on the other hand, jumps on the Naruto Bandwagon and completely FUCKS whatever coolness the series had. The artwork is horrible for the mere crime of making Ky Kiske look like a bitch. The one thing I noticed was that the characters seem more over proportioned than usual. I’m used to fighting games having characters on steroids, but GG tended to break away from the norm of standard fighting game males (a little too much, eh Bridget?). Here, ASW said hell wit it and wanted to compete with Street Fighter for protein addicted character designs. Or maybe it’s just Sol looking retarded. Hell, even Chipp looks retarded. Nay.. SOUNDS retarded. Japanese fighting games pick the worst dubs, but it feels awkward for Chipp to sound like mother fucking Goku while campaigning for presidency. If that sounds awful, it gets worse. Sol’s VA desperately wants to mimmick Steven Blum (and I can’t blame him), I swear ever since I played Xillia, Jude Mathis haunts me everywhere I go as he makes Ky sound like he has allergies. I’m indifferent to Venom, but overall……FUCK!

Bad VA’s have nothing on the characters themselves. Maybe it’s my fault for implanting my own perceptions of how these characters act and what their motives are…….but seriously… why the fuck is Chipp a politician?! That is the main thing that bothers me the most about this game. There’s a lot more fucked up concepts such as Axl Low being some time traveler, Johnny being a country bumpkin, or why people seem so focused on May being Japanese. To top it off, Justice looks like a deformed Freeza. About the only “normal” character is Sol himself. What I don’t understand is why he’s baby sitting Ky’s kid. Infact… since when did Ky become a king?!

I would have hoped Story Mode would’ve elaborated on those details and more. But instead, it piles on more stupidity. Sin (Ky’s brat) “interrogates” Ramlashitforbrains…. by giving her a cheese burger. Why? I don’y know. At first, I figured she’s a bad guy who wants to destroy the world, but instead she’s just some poor soul who has to be taught the value of emotions in order to feel human… even though she’s a robot(?).

This dumb shit that Japan injects into their games feels inappropriate at the worst of times. In Guilty Gear, it’s out of place. I’d imagine that Guilty Gear was about Sol’s war against Gears and Human/Gear conflict this side of X-Men. But here, there’s so much bullshit about alternate dimensions, “That Man” being a good guy somehow, talking elderly dragons who somehow have the answer to all problems, and some illuminati type of organization wanting to take over the world. I might as well be playing Aquapazza! The Story mode is much worse than what I described, obviously cause I know fuck all about whats going on in it nor do I care enough to recall that information. The only thing going through my mind was the amount of talking in tedious government committees lazying about with exposition and analysis of details. Japan loves talking about details, apparently as their games REEK with exposition. One shouldn’t have to force themselves to stay awake during any segment of a game. This shit just cures my insomnia.

Overall, I’d say it’s an ok game as long as you make up your own head canon and divorce the story mode from your memory. My Head Canon? Sol kills Sin, Venom and Rammy fuck, and Chipp kills Hilary Clinton and takes her spot as a presidential candidate. Bam!

RESIDENT EVIL REVELATIONS 2

Capcom surprised the shit out of me back when I first played Revelations 1. That is how Resident Evil was supposed to be! None of this scripted action bullshit with 5 or 6, filled to the brim with quick time events. Rev 1 was the definitive Resident Evil experience! I’ll take that shit to grave!

No really, I will. Because Revelations 2 disappoints.

I mean… there’s a lot to like about Rev 2. It’s definitely scarier than Rev 1 and certainly plays better. And the prospect of LOCAL FUCKING COOP is always a plus… but it feels 20x more tedious than any Resident Evil game I’ve played thus far. For one, the partner system (and Coop overall) is a mess. In both 5 and 6, both characters in a given campaign have the same exact abilities as the other, with the only differences being whoever has a stick or a hole. Both characters could use guns, do finishers, etc etc. But in this game, Capcom decided to implement severe limitations to the characters abilities.

For example, one scenario has Claire Redfield and Moira Burton as playable characters. Claire can use fire arms and follow up attacks, but cannot open barred door or chests with special locks. Moira, on the other hand, is “afraid” of using guns, meaning she can’t use them… at all, and is stuck with a crowbar, meaning her combat potential is limited as fuck. But she can do all the other things Claire can’t. Forced Coop Emphasis… engaged! Follow-up attacks, btw, are only available when you have successfully stunned an enemy. But early on, only Moira has the ability to stun enemy, while Claire can do a follow up attack, and only Moira can do finishers. Finishers, btw, are moves you can use on enemies that are laid out on the ground. Knowing this , you can see how frustrating it is trying to get a groove together in kicking some ass. Sure, you’re not really supposed to be kicking ass, you’re supposed to run the fuck away from enemies. Don’t mind if I do! But if you’re gonna have combat abilities from the last 4 games, don’t hamper them in some vain attempt to emphasize cooperation. It’s silly that both Claire and Moira don’t have similar abilities in THAT instance. I could forgive the whole crowbar thing and unlocking chests because yeah, who cares… but follow up attacks and finishers being exclusive to certain characters is pushing it.

Oh, but that’s not even the worst part. See, at least Moira HAS some combat ability and is infact more useful than Claire in a throwdown. Another scenario has Barry Burton and some little girl called Natalia. Little Girl… IE… no combat ability… whatsoever. So for the most part… Barry can do follow up attacks and finishers all by himself. Natalia really can’t do shit. She is psychic and can detect where enemies are as well as enemy weakpoints, but it’s really goddamned tedious having to switch between 2 characters just to see enemy locations and weakspots, or put all the pressure on player 2 to do all recon shit while Player 1 has all the fun doing the shit mopping. Or not. Barry is a slave to Natalia’s information while Barry does all the dirty work. Otherwise, Natalia is a damned liability, and if it’s coop, equates to a most tedious gameplay experience. It’s not real coop as it just feels tacky and slow.

Then there’s the game’s length which is attributed to the fact that Capcom went into the trend of Episodic nonsense before releasing a full game. It’s 4 episodes long and while each episode is lengthy, I feel it has more to do with it’s incredibly slow pace and obvious padding rather than actually being long. There’s a lot of unnecessary back tracking to go through during the 4th episode and in particular, a LOT of goddamned puzzles! I should’ve known better than to expect a game with limited character abilities to not have this bullshit, but here they are. Not only is the coop and puzzles dumb, but even some areas in the game demand you spin your wheels until you get around an obstacle. Episode 4 again has a section with poison gas that you need to make sure you don’t stay under for too long or else you’ll pass out. Unfortunately, the game doesn’t really give you the option to stay out of it. Infact, the game even demands you walk SLOWLY in the shit unless you want to risk waking up 2 of the most powerful enemies in the whole game. Yes, Barry’s segment has lots of stealth segments (IE boredom incarnate) and you have to walk slowly… in poison gas. It’s obnoxious game design like this that makes me afraid of touching any game in the “adventure” category, but never expected to see that kind of shit in Resident Evil. It’s a wonder why this game is so tedious in the first place and makes the notion of a second playthrough laughable.

On the other hand, there’s Raid Mode. Since no one plays Resident Evil for survival Horror anymore, the Raid Mode in this game is actually pretty damn good. This time around, Player 2 isn’t some liability and can have fun blasting gooey zombie guts all over the world. And holy shit… you can actually UNLOCK things again! I would’ve sworn Capcom would’ve worked some of their asshole DLC schemes in here… but no… you’re allowed to work… for your unlockables! Tears of fucking Joy, I tell you! Raid Mode saved this game from hitting the Bomba bin shelves at Gamestop. The requirements for unlocking characters and costumes is steep, but man, is it ever awesome!? Raid Mode isn’t that different from the last game aside from actual coop, character abilities, and… well, some element of tedium was worked in here as well. In Rev 1, you had the option of equipping parts to a gun to boost it’s stats or give it special abilities. Rev 2… that doesn’t change. What did was the option to remove parts without a catch. See now, once you’ve equipped a part, you can’t just take it off. It’s STUCK! If you want to remove the part, you either have to destroy the part (permanently erasing it for 1000 bucks) or destroy the gun to get the part back (permanently erasing the gun for… 4000 bucks). I have no idea why they implemented such an asshole change to weapon upgrades if not just to make the game more tedious than need be, especially since now you have elemental bullet upgrades from RE3 making a comeback, this new upgrade system is a bitch to deal with.

Story is also a mixed bag. In this game, both Claire and Moira were kidnapped and sent to an Island where they’ve been injected with a virus that changes them if they get too scared…… right. Barry just goes to the island to see if his baby Moira is alright while having to baby sit Natalia. I’ll say one thing. Rev 2 is fucking disturbing. Enemies are creepier than ever before, you’re constantly in dark areas, you’ve invisible assholes, and baby dolls cover the interior of a cave…..creepy. On the other hand, the villain’s actual plot is kinda stupid. Since the game is pretty recent, I suppose I won’t spoil anything…. but she wants to put her brain in a prepubescent body. Like I said… creeeeeepy.

Overall, if you don’t mind tedious ass games and want Resident Evil to be scary again, you can’t go wrong with Rev 2. And it’s cheap, too! $40 ain’t shit! Just keep in mind that Episode 4 sucks and Raid Mode rules.

And with that, I return to my hiatus and my grief over MKX’s delay. Ohhhhhhh…. it hurts so much…Fuck all ya’ll PS4 owners😐

Man, I’ve been through all 5 stages with this PSO2 situation. From the onset of it’s delay:

1: Denial.

Pff, it’s probably nothing! We all know Sega’s kinda retarded these days, they probably forgot that this is the season for the release date, yah know? Hahah! We’ll get it soon enough! ….. any time now.

2: Anger

Come on Sega what the FUUUCK! SHIT! I’ve been waiting for a sequel to this bitch for eons! EONS BITCH!! COME… THE FUCK…. ON ALREADY!!! STUPID… FUCKING… COMPANY… STUPID… FUCKING… RACIST ASSHATS!! I WANNA BITE SOMEONE IN THE FACE!! I’m gonna tea bag the SHIT out of Haijime’s pedo mustache, piece of shit billionare with his piece of shit Pachinko business! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

3: Bargaining.

Sega… if I have to… I swear I’ll buy the Pii U and totally gonna buy both versions of Lost Mind… and.. and maybe I’ll throw in Aliens: Colonal Marines! Yeah! And I swear to never make fun of the people that cried over not getting Fatal Frame for the Wii. I understand now the pain of not getting a game localized. Hehe, yeah, that’s… that’s all you wanted to show me… right? Right!?

4: Depression

OH AMMA WHYYYYYYYYYYY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH!!! I JUST WANT PSO2 WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

5: Acceptance

…….You know what? I don’t even need PSO2. I already have 3 Phantasy Star games, all of which happen to be total grind fests, and I’m still dealing with Presequel which is an even bigger grind fest, I’m… I’m cool with it. You know, those Asian territories probably need it more than I do, what with all them typhoons tearin they asses up, something that… eases the pain is what the doctor ordered! Besides, everyone’s talking all this good shit about Destiny being like… like some westernized version of PSO2 without all the retarded Japanese waifu simulator business going around…. yeah! Space Explorer cock fest! HERE I COME!

…….Yeah, I’m desperate. Since Gearbox is turning Presequel to shit, I’m hearing all this stuff about how Bungie is actually IMPROVING their game instead of taking a massive dump on it like Punkford and his crew. Initially I ignored the game due to how samey it looks to other space marine shooters (and that 20 gig space requirement gooooooooooddamn!) along with how it’s a victim of overhype (IE everyone hates it despite pumping it up like it was gonna be bigger than it is) idk. But there’s literally no chance of PSO2 coming stateside…. and I kinda need my Space Explorer fix. Not Space Marine fix, there is a difference.

……Is…..Destiny…..worth… a damn? And why 20 mother fucking gigs?

……..Man, that’s a lame title. Merry Christmas bitches!

When it comes to Sonic the Hedgehog, the one thing that everyone has to keep in mind as to what it’s all about. No, it’s not about the speed. It’s not about the platforming. It’s not even about Chaos Emeralds. It’s all…. about this.

Pinball. Pinball is, in actuality, the life blood of Sonic the Hedgehog. The secret ingredient that kept people wondering why it tasted so great. Pinball was what gave way to the many gimmicks and features you see in Sonic games of old and today. Every spring you bounce on is plunger rod meant to send a ball into play. Every hole you enter that propelled you through to another part of the level was simply a tube with 2 spinning wheels that propels a ball from hole to hole. The twisty bridges of Emerald Hill were merely the wire ramps a ball traverses through on a board. Sonic’s world, the very planet of Mobius, is but a giant organic pinball machine. And Sonic is a living, breathing organic pinball.

Playing with himself.

The reason why 2D Sonic games of today feel sluggish and “off” is because the people making the games do not understand pinball. The physics of 2D Sonic is based on pinball. Without studying pinball, the significance of Sonic is lost in translation. Without studying pinball, you get low acceleration in Sonic 4. Playing Knuckles Chaotix, it was evident that Sega started to lose sight of what the first 4 games play so well, so by the time we get to Sonic Adventure 2, it abandoned the Pinball aspects completely in favor of automation. Hell, Casino Park and Bingo Highway make me cry, they play like ass.

The nature of Sonic games being pinball is significant when you consider how difficult it must’ve been to translate Sonic’s world into television form. Since no one really got Sonic back then, tv producers had to make due with loony toons crap to “justify” the pinball world… or ignore it and make something fucking awesome like SATAM.

Casino Night Zone was Sonic in it’s most purest form. The flippers, the bumpers, the flashing lights, the jackpots, everything. Twas a very popular level that created nostalgic memories for years, so much so that Sega included it as one of Sonic’s many level tropes.

Then, some guys at a company called STI said “fuck it, lets just make… a pinball game!” “Fuck yeer, it’s gonna be sweet! We gonna put like a big scary ass dragon in a lake, then you can kill that stupid bird cluck, and then you can smash into like 3 different dragons, and then we gonna have like 16 chaos emeralds, it’s just dope!”.

Today, we call this game one of the many unfortunate examples of experimentation with the Sonic series, along with 3D Blast and countless spinoffs of the modern era. It’s unfortunate because it shows that we as a whole… don’t understand pinball.

The nature of pinball is basically a gambling machine with less risks involved. When people describe Sonic Spinball being a “hard” game, what they really mean is “God, this is so stupid!”.

 

If you were like me, you rented this baby from blockbuster, and those assholes could never keep a manual in tow. If you were that unfortunate, chances are you’d never know how to get passed level 1. If you did, you’d give up, feeling the tedium of the game.

The basic idea of making a pinball spinoff would be to do something like Sonic Pinball Party. But because STI wasn’t gay, we got a much bigger beast. We had one of the darker themed Sonic games of the classic era for no other reason than atmosphere, we had 4 maze like pinball boards to navigate, and we had an actual objective which (unfortunately for me) involved a glorified fetch quest. Combined with that was a physics engine that made us all vomit. Which is kinda odd as despite all that, it mimics an actual pinball machine rather well despite how poorly it runs.

Because the game was a giant pinball machine, the goal of completion was obnoxious. As I sad before, the game is a fetch quest in which you have to find 3-5 different chaos spread out thinly through each level. And was one of the most tedious objectives to complete. One, you had to know where fuckers were, and that involved exploration. Exploration which is dependent on the direction the ball is hit… which could take forever if you don’t time your flippers right. Oh, and once you know where they are, you have to contend with several obstacles blocking your path. Before you can get one emerald that is submerged in acid, you have to pull 2 switches located beneath the emerald. Then, you have to travel into an upper level and find your way to that emerald via 2 chutes that are blocked off by 3 barrels that you have to re-enter 4 times just to clear out the blockage. Then, you might have to drive a minecart left or right and hope to hell you find an emerald along the way. Rinse and repeat. And then fight a boss at the end.

All the while avoiding THIS asshole!

This one level can take as long as 10 minutes. And that’s the entire game. The way the goal is handled kills the entire game. For a title with only 4 levels, you’d think it would be less evil about how you could progress. I have yet to get passed level 2.

Spinball is a very stupid game because it has a very stupid objective. Whoever thought making a pinball game centered around a fetch quest deserved to be fired. It’s unfortunate because it had a lot of cool concepts. Every level is based on an elaborate defense system which serve as important landmarks in dismantling Robotnik’s base. They weren’t just some random levels the creators thought of. The game’s enemies had a more sinister feel to them, especially Rexxon.

And this creepy ass boss epitomizes the horrors of the veg-o-fortress.

The game had a much more terrifying feel to it than every other Sonic title at the time, and certainly felt like every other Genesis game too. Grainy rock music and all. And hey, it didn’t hurt to include some SATAM cameos. Though it’s a tad unoriginal to have the bonus rounds be normal pinball games, they’re certainly a helluva lot more fun.

Spinball, for all it’s faults, was a pretty ambitious game, when you get right down to it. Having this story of completely destroying a volcano fortress, pinball levels with different rooms, fucking dragons. You honestly get a sense that STI wanted to go big with this title. Hell, Sega in general seemed really primed for this game to win awards. The advertising campaign for Spinball was unbelievable. Course, it was also included with 2 other games (CD and Chaos) as some “Trinity of consumerism” called Sonic Mania . 3 major releases all on the same day. And with Genesis being the most popular and accessible of the 3 current devices, Spinball was obviously the attention grabber. And this was just a spinoff.

If anything, we could say that Spinball was the lesser of several evils. The only spinoff that didn’t erode any of Sonic’s popularity and in actuality made it… even cooler. Had the game not been stupid with it’s goal, the game might’ve been much more enjoyable to play and not feel like some pain in the ass grind.

Now, how I would’ve done it would be to have the goal of each level be score based. You have a set score to achieve, and you have at least 5-7 minutes to reach this score or you lose. IE everytime you hit a bumper, or killed an enemy, you gain points. Going into different areas of the level would apply some score multiplier, and finding any of the chaos emeralds along the way would dramatically increase your score. That way, it feels like your basic pinball game, but with the time limit, there’s an added amount of tension to keep things interesting, and there would be actual incentive to finding the emeralds. Because no one likes to search for things unless there is a benefit that MATTERS to the player. The whole point of scavenging for items in games was to gain benefits during the course of the level, so when you have Chaos Emeralds that boost your score in under a short time frame, you better believe yo happy ass would be looking for them. So while the same basic idea is there, it’s not the main goal of the game. Someone should DEFINITELY hack the fuck out of Spinball’s rom and put that idea in.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck I sounded like a nerd.😦

Well… it’s been a couple of months since S.Doom’s release, the drama is gone and *sigh*, I missed quite a show according to the peeps I’ve spoken with. To see all the meltdowns and alleged “mass conversions” that took place would’ve been a show more spectacular than the news of Nintendo wanting to kill off the Pii U.

It begs the question, when news of this game aaaaaaaaaand Lost Mind dropped, what in the fresh hell possessed people to support these games in the first place? There mere fact that they were exclusive to fledging Nintendo consoles alone was enough to smell a bust a mile away, yet people stubbornly clinged to a false pretense that there was bound to be success amid the rampant skepticism.

From the last few discussions I’ve had, it probably had jack shit to do with optimism of the games, but because they love the smell of their own asses.

I was talking with a lady (I believe she had guest appearances on Sonic Dissected and cursed someone out over Super Metroid) about the fandom’s obsession with Sonic Conventions. I hadn’t really thought about just how many Sonic conventions are held on a yearly basis, and it begs the question of “why!?” When the object of your fandom has a quality threshold that’s 3 degress below whaleshit, there’s nothing to be proud of, never the less waste money organizing conventions no one bothers attending. But her theory goes that it had squat to do with supporting the company’s direction taken with a series and more to do with showing that they are great fans.

I think to myself “How the hell did I not see this!?”. This is fanboy behavior 101. The issue of unwarranted self-importance. When you get fans that are pre-occupied with keeping up their image of being a “true fan”, the quality of the product becomes irrelevant. Thus, you get jackoffs like this.

Terrible singer he is. Makes my ears bleed. Problem is, most of the fans are like 20 years older and act the same way. And on a more disturbing level, they care way too much about the conduct and purity of other fans. Like all that fuss about “recolors”.  “Oh, don’t make your own fan characters that in no way have any impact on my life or on the franchise we support unless they are a specifically original! NO HEDGEHOGS OR ECHIDNAS or else you’re justifying the Archie Comics existence!” But beyond that psychopathic tendency, this is why so many flamewars exist, all that nonsense about “spewing hatred, not having an open mind” and all the rampant attacks on legitimately good Sonic games like Adventure 2 or even Sonic 2, all has it’s roots in trying to prove that the fans are purely good people. By showing how “grateful” one is to the company’s new fangled  policies of destroying the series, they couldn’t care. Their self-image is more important than a creative direction taken with a franchise.

This is why they really have such ass backwards logic. Why the Emo Zeti was more acceptable than Shadow the Hedgehog. Why there weren’t “no issues” taken with the fucking horrible Boom redesigns. Why everyone was “comfortable” with Nintendo potentially buying out Sega. They don’t actually believe their own shit! They simply want to show that they are supportive fans regardless. It’s like the Joss Whedon fanboys who barley watch a damn thing he makes, but strong arms everyone to bow down to his almighty omnipotence.

The fact that most of the Sonic fanbase has merged with Nintendo fans is also very revealing. Nintendo fans are the kings of ass kissing, most of all those goddamn Pokemon fans (I’ve always compared the 2 fandoms, and it’s easy to see why) who desperately try to make Pokemon seem more adult than it is by hyping up it’s “metagame” that composes of nothing more than bitching about Smogon’s rules and tier listings oh I’m rambling again. Nintendo fans NEVER want other Nintendo fans to have any legitimate complaints about Nintendo brand, otherwise it would create the impression that “OH NO! WE AREN’T 100% WILLFULLY BLIND SHEEP! Nintendo may not support us fans ever again with puzzelda games and Shit Fox!”. You should’ve SEEN the magnificent storms over Metroid Other M!

Why specific fanboys would act like this is simple to dissect. Gamers, and hardcore gamers on a grand scale, have a deep seated insecurity about their favorite pasttime. People always want to feel as though they are a part of something, and/or have a sense of status in the world. Whether it be piddly ass school programs or even protests (admit it. Some of ya’ll just WANT some shit to go down so you can “join a movement” and tell your grandkids that “yeah… I lived that shit“). So for many people who have no actual talent or achievements, we tend to latch onto whatever it is we find significant to our lives just so we can have a sense of belonging (for many people, this includes church goers, or even sports fans). A sense that you’re a part of a community. For gamers, it’s a much stronger desire as people who play video games are ostracized as hell. And this is the thing that makes gamers terrible people to hang out with half the time, they’re always angry and overly critical of any medium they see, being overly cynical, etc., because for some strange reason, being a cynical asshole is confused with being “intellectual”. That is, ofcourse, why you see gamers trying so hard to convince people that shit like San Andreas and Dead or Alive are “art”. They want to be perceived better than they are. If you need an example, piss off any artsy dipshit gamer and watch them fire back at you with “GO BACK TO YOUR SHITTY CALL OF DUTY, YOU FUCKING CASUAL!”

The fanboys, on the other hand, take a completely different approach in substituting cynicism with denial, something they confuse with “optimism”. So when you see some random shitbird defending Sonic Bomb or w/e, it’s really some arrogant fuck who thinks he can mitigate legitimate criticism and tell the fans to be in happy denial. And this seems to be an epidemic when it comes to Sonic fans.

That’s what makes the denial crowd so dangerous, you see. When you have shit lord companies like Sega looking for nothing but a quick buck, they can truly exploit these assholes because they know for a fact that they’re just going to support their game regardless. And then you have ol’ crusty bastards like Mike Bollocks getting into flamewars with the fans for some reason (that’s just what I’ve been told). Sega doesn’t even have to try to make their products look appealing, if they have fans that are obsessed with their vanities and their egos, they can truly put out w/e they damn well please. Either that or Sega honestly believes that’s how fans behave (which I doubt. Sega isn’t that stupid). Denial is, unfortunately, the only way you could be a sane Sonic fan. Being a fan of a D-Rank series isn’t easy, having to stomach low quality titles on a yearly basis is a test more grating than watching Think like a Man. After this point, however, I feel this won’t be a problem much longer. Sonic Boom was so bad, it destroyed the last 4 years of pent up denial with no trouble at all.

Now it’s been replaced with “cautious optimism” and people are banking on this 2016 movie to save the series. That’s rich. We’re relying on HOLLYWOOD to save Sonic!

……Well, they can’t do any worse now……. Amma, I hate that damn face!

Flynn vs Pontac: Perfect comparison right there. Honestly, I haven’t read any of the comics since 1999, and I know they’re still hip.

Continuing my nostalgia trip, I pulled out Sonic Gems as I reminisced about being really fucking pissed off that Knuckles Chaotix wasn’t included. What a WASTED opportunity! You know how long I’ve been waiting for a modern console port of this very game!? There aren’t any 32X emulators for Wii or PS3 (to my knowledge). Goddammit! Hell, what about SegaSonic Arcade!?

So, I only had one major reason to buy this game. 3 if you included Vectorman 1 & 2. The one and only Sonic fighting game!

NO! Not that bullshit!

Pff, ain’t no fighting game at all, it’s Power Stone if you had down syndrome.

Dats da one!

It’s the only game from Gems that I hadn’t played at the time, and was probably the only other reason people bought gems (aside from getting SCD). I call it “Sonic Championship” as the localized name isn’t syntactically retarded. Another sign that SOJ cared just a wii bit too much about nippowning their IPs.

Many of Sega’s fighters at the time were all just clones of Virtua Fighter because they got the wacky idea that the game wasn’t shit. Some people compared THE FIGHTERS to another Sega game called Fighting Vipers. I recently had the chance to play that game as well seeing as everyone compared that to Bloody Roar, a series that just kicks ass, but I honestly can’t dig that game. It feels sluggish and not very fun, which was an issue for all of Sega’s fighters that took after Virtua Fighter. Sure it had more interesting characters and faster gameplay, but it feels like everyone is covered in molasses and tar. Even more so than Tekken. Seeing that THE FIGHTERS took after Vipers, I was impressed. It actually plays better in some regard. Either that or it’s just fucking hilarious.

 

Playing all of the characters, you get the slight impression that they’re all clones of each other, just with different animations for each of their attacks. Most of their unique special moves take a Ph’D in arthritis to learn. Not because they’re difficult commands, but because the controls aren’t exactly responsive. Trying to pull off even the most basic moves results in a lot of frustration. When it actually takes a few attempts to perform Knuckles’s Dragon Punch ( which is ) during a match, you know it’s fucked. The easiest “specials” for me to perform were actually the throws. Most of which involved taking the character’s weapon and using it against them. I must say, there’s a great level of satisfaction in taking Amy’s hammer and smashing the horny bastard into the pavement with it as your character shows off a sinister grin.

Oooooooooooh, lick MY ass, will yah!?

That said, it’s a really basic fighting game on it’s own, that will have you button mashing most of the time since every character has the same basic combos. Everyone even comes equipped with a spin dash attack, as well some pro wrestling moves like running up the stage walls, leaping off, and body slamming the opponents. Granted, there are 2 characters in the game that grate my nerves.

These 2 sons of bitches are the only real unique characters of the bunch. Why? They have projectile attacks. And this is a 3D fighter with no real sidestepping or decent jumping physics. You can get around Nack’s cork bullets by ducking at least and spin dashing to counter, but Bean is a real asshole. He just throws bombs around the arena to overwhelm and overpower his opponents. Imagine fighting a spammy ass Deathstroke user in Injustice, and you have Bean the Bastard. That’s how much of an asshole he is. Bark the Bear is the lesser of the “unique” characters in that he’s big, slow, and has short legs. Obviously, he does the most damage….. in a game where the attacks already hurt enough as it is. Nack, Bean, and Bark are overpowered as shit. Just sayin.

Anywho, the game has it’s own quirks that help it stand out from the other virtua fighter clones, such as that annoying ass “losing rings” sound effect every time you take damage. Honestly, every hit you take has the “cute shit” effect of you losing rings (a nice, subtle way of making it look like the characters are bleeding all over the place ala Mortal Kombat, no less. :P) and it’ll hurt your goddamn ears after a while. Trust me. The wacky and borderline cartoony animations for the amount of ass kicked gives this game a lot of energy and flare that was lacking in early 3D fighters, and the roster itself isn’t bad for a Sonic fighting game. It almost treats itself as though it were a Loony Toons game as many of the characters moves look like they were pulled out of the minds of Tex Avery and Chuck Jones. It’s this kind of humor that makes this game……. pretty fun on it’s own. When it comes to entertainment, comedy is a good insurance policy that your audience will have smiles on their faces.

…….Which is good, because it plays like ass. I mentioned before that attacks in this game hurt like hell. A single match would probably take less than a minute……often. The amount of health a player loses in the least amount of time is absolutely crazy. Even when you’re not dealing with swollen mother fuckers like Bark, regular joes like Tails could demolish opponents easily with a few well timed flurry of punches. The either the attacks in this game deal way too much damage, or the amount of health you have isn’t very high. This leads to incredibly short matches. This combined with some SNK styled AI makes the game feel like it’s based around luck.

You’ll see what I mean.

Oh, and dig the bottom corners of the screen. The barriers, just what are they? That’s your only means of blocking in the game…… and they’re limited. This is probably the first fighting game that foolishly punishes the player for… playing defensively, and this kind of madness started ramping up in fighting games of the last generation (easier guard breaks, guard crushes, etc.). You see, you have only 5 barriers that are weak. Once they’re all gone, you’re completely defenseless. I thought I’d never see the day when a fighter would feature micromanagement of your basic blocking functions. It’s even worse when you find out that the game allows you to enter a special “EX” mode where you spend 2 barriers just to attack wildly nonstop. Oh, and if you’re blocking and the opponent grabs you? You lose that barrier as well.

My small ass frame, and they give me nothing but PAPER to defend myself with!? Do you see how BIG his fucking hands are, man!?

All this means that the game expects you to be on the offensive, which wouldn’t be an issue if the controls weren’t drunk. It almost feels like playing Brawl. The creators thinking “the game is for FUN!” and removes all semblance of strategy and skill in order to emphasize the “FUN”. The difference between this and brawl is that, yeah, it actually IS fun in spite of all these facts. In the end, that’s all that really matters. Or it should. The problem is the game has no real longevity. Because of it’s wonky mechanics, it becomes less fun over time. Almost quickly.

Especially when you take it up the ass on occasion.

Unlike most other genres, fighting games NEED decent gameplay just to be sustainable and fun, and as much as I want to be biased, Sonic Championship doesn’t cut it. Sure, it’s better than any other Sega fighter they’ve made, but it’s still just as iffy. Bottom line, Sega makes crappy fighting games, and THE FIGHTERS is another, unfortunate example.

It serves the purpose of maybe passing the time and getting a few laughs out of it, but overall couldn’t take attention away from even the worst of fighters.

 

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