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Funny story. I actually watched the original “Bastard!!” anime sometime in the late 2000s. Or maybe early 2010s. Hell if I can remember. It wasn’t actually the best thing I’ve watched. It was about average. Story made no sense, feels inconclusive, had 2 kano fatalities that I could’ve done without… but nice animation and art direction, better characterization, and a shit load more than I can say for the Netflix reboot. You know, it’s probably more accurate to the Manga or some shit, probably why it’s hyped to the highest of hells. Never read the manga myself (I need some color in my comics, I’m not a fucking hound dog. Sorry not sorry), but if the Netflix toon is that accurate, then shit, the MCU doorknobs have an actual argument to saying “fuck the source material”. But maybe it’s my fault. I watched the OVA first and am used to Dark Schneider having a man’s voice instead of a wannabe Richard Ian Cox. Yoko wasn’t an annoying shit who questions why a little child can’t be more of a man (seriously, bitch!?). Bout the only improvement is Sheila’s design (goddamn they did her justice), but everything else… damn.

But that’s not what gets me. Peep this.

They done bleached the Nei Nei, and Woke ass internet ain’t said shit? Well blow my balls off and tell me Jack Black makes a great Bowser. Can we call this “selective wokeness”? Hahahahahahahaa, goddamn that sounds terrible. But wow, no one caught this? Hell, I don’t think she was ever this damn light in the Manga. I mean… shit, how do you do fair skin in monotone? 😛 I’ve never seen any anime where…. fucking “DARK” elves were this damn pasty. Pirotess from Lodoss? Not a chance! That Assassin bitch from Dungeon Fighter? Nope! Shit, I mean… awkward as it is to say it, being a dark elf should naturally have a distinguishing feature from…. “regular” elves, and this bitch is 2 shades from being Deedlit with hair dye. The Netflix show is bad enough without mindless anime fans licking it’s asshole for being softcore porn, but I find it weird how no one noticed the elephant in the room.

It’s kinda weird pointing this out cause I feel like even mentioning shit like this would be liable to getting chewed out by outrage culture. Shit like this would be considered outrage worthy, but I get the feeling that nowadays, it would be an acceptable practice. But it’s more valid to lose our shit over Catwoman, and we’re letting this shit slip.

My 2 cents

Damned economy is so fucked up in America, you can barely afford to eat! Also, Tyrant Devil Biden got rid of Miranda Rights, so the first step toward a police state was just taken.

Anywho…

FINAL FANTASY 7 REBIRTH

Oh lawd…

Having your trailer open up with a message of “Focus on the future, not the past” reeks of Passive Aggression. A common yet lesser known trait of the Japanese.

I’ll admit, they’re not as obnoxious as the west when it comes to responding to criticism. Most of the time. Doesn’t make this any less offensive. People have a right to be pissed that you changed the script so wildly that the story is completely different. It is not unnatural for people to want the same exact stories preserved while giving it a facelift of graphical upgrades to make it more presentable. This is why most people (used to) get pissed at Hollywood remakes for changing stories of material they adapt. The decisions to do so are hardly ever necessary, and are only justified under the fact that it’s been done for so long that people rarely question it anymore. I believe the reason people are allowed to get away with this crap is because most of the people who were fans of this shit back in the day are either dead or too old and stuffed with priorities to give a damn anymore. A convenient excuse, but an unwarranted one nonetheless.

Still, this only seems to be the case for Hollywood Movies. And maybe Netflix (looking at you, Castlevania). For everything else, people still seem to have some standards here and there. There was PLENTY of outrage over the script changes in FF7R that having Aerith go off in the trailer about “not focusing on the past” is enough to say “Fuck you and your precious original, this isn’t your granddad’s Final Fantasy 7!” NOT something you want to put out there. On purpose, at least. I can’t imagine this NOT being a jab against those that hated FF7R’s Rewrites. Japan has a history of doing this (the most notable time being from Phantom Hourglass in regards to the touch controls). So I can’t imagine this NOT being the case here.

As for the trailer itself, I detect some bait if people aren’t familiar with the story. You have Tifa going on about her possibly being dead, but it’s likely in regards to their background story of when they were kids and falling off a mountain, or being confronted with Sephoroth (how do you spell his goddamn name!?) where she gets cut down. Take your pick. People keep theorizing that Tifa is gonna die in place of Aerith for that good ol’ Subversion of expectations, but I’m not buying it. I wouldn’t blame people for taking the bait if true, considering how much shit has changed, and with the whole “Rebirth” nonsense going on, and Aerith’s passive aggressive quote at the beginning.

Ah well. It’ll be centuries before that comes out, and I’ll be sticking to Youtube for the 30 hour experience. NEXT

STREET FIGHTER 6

Well, this game certainly looks better (and worse) than previous installments.

For one, there’s an open world tour with custom characters (they’re trying to rip off Soul Calibur now) which I’m sure will be abused for cosmetic item DLC. As for the limited gameplay, or from what little we were allowed to focus on, it seems…. slower? I think it’d be smoother if they got rid of the choppy ass hitstun animation that looks like it breaks the animation pace/flow, yah know? It’d probably look more impressive if they allowed the animations to flow seamlessly. But no, it has to have hitstun shit going on, all of which is obscured by particle effects because we haven’t outgrown attaching graffiti to character’s moves yet.

Fuck, why am I paying so much attention to animation details all of a sudden?!

If anything, at least the game is trying to resemble it’s namesake. “Street Fighter” looking like it’s actual fights in the streets, going all the way to Metro City for that Final Fight cred. Even saying “fuck the internet, we’re using hip hop in this bitch!” That’s right! Fuck the nerds online! This is “STREET FIGHTER!” Make it FEEL like Street Fighter! SF3 Turd Strike has the only legit Street Fighter soundtrack. Fuck all the punk mother fuckers going “yo yo yo” to downplay them sweet ass tunes! It’s just a shame you had to wait through 2 crappy animu fighters just to get something resembling the namesake. Course, time will tell if Capcom can manage to keep that up, or if the nerds will bitch them out (again) for using rap music, forcing them to change it.

The 3D Models could be better. Idk what it is about Capcom, but they have a nasty habit of making ugly Street Fighter art, which is reflected in their models. SF5 looked hideous with characters that looked more appropiate for some backwater claymation show. They’re not that bad here, but there’s still something off about them that I can’t quite put my finger on.

As for the content, well that one DLC boxer is back (where are his shoes!?). Hopefully he’s not replacing Balrog or Dudley (that was my boi). Since this takes place after 3 for once, maybe Sean can come back and not be shit this time. Chun Li’s student is FINALLY playable… maybe. And…. heheh…. the internet is CRYING over Ken Masters! Wow, so he got a divorce, and now he’s a hobo! It’s about time he got taken down a couple of pegs, arrogant shit stain that he is. Even though… shit man, a divorce? That’s a bit much, ain’t it? Maybe he lost his fortune and that’s why Eliza left? Gold diggin!? Well maybe he won’t be so bothered by Sean this time… if Capcom brings him back. Ryu’s finally grown a beard, and he seems to wear it well. Flip flops and cape are a bit much, but eh.
And oh no…. drunken kung fu dude sounds like Johnny Bosch. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

It looks more interesting without the Avengers-styled story shit getting in the way, for sure, but this is mostly a preview. We don’t really know what’s going to happen with the game. But it does look interesting. NEXT

[EDIT] Did not notice the gameplay vids were posted prior to writing this.

SUPER BOMBERMAN R2

OH SHIT SON!!! SUPER BOMBERMAN R 2 BABY, YEAH!! Oh right… my creed of not buying new shit… Damn you, Konami! Tempting me with Bomberman! You should know better than to hype me up! Oh, 2023, that’s enough time to forget it even exists!

Wait…

“Castle mode?”

Build a castle to defend against assaults? Defense and Strategy elements?

Uhhhhhhhhh…. Bombernite? Bomberman + Fortnite?

Hmm… I mean yeah, Bomberman games could use a spruce up in terms of gameplay, but that’s…. definitly not what I had in mind. I don’t know about this.

I think Konami’s gonna fuck this up… NEXT

RESIDENT EVIL 4 REMAKE

Oh look. It’s a remake of the most overrated Resident Evil game ever created. I would go on to say this is an unnecessary remake as many others would, but Capcom loves money and they know RE fans are hopelessly addicted to RE4 as if it were Amma’s gift to the franchise, and not the beginning stages of Resident Evil’s rot.

But there are signs that Capcom is going to scale back on the cartoonish super martial arts crap that has perverted the series since Code Veronica, and in all candor, that IS a good thing. But what they’re choosing to scale back and “improve” is questionable as all fuck.

Leaks came out and… Krauser isn’t coming back. Uh… why not? Because they want to make Luis Sera a villain.

Fuck you, Capcom. Expand on a character’s story, sure, but outright making him responsible for Ashley’s capture, and THEN becoming yet ANOTHER REDUNDENT Nemesis enemy for the castle is beyond lazy. I know people are gonna go on and say “dude, they’re just leaks, nothing is confirmed”. To that, I say “bitch please”. Too many leaks from the last generation turned out to be true, and considering how reductionistic these remakes have been, taking out Krauser doesn’t seem at all farfetched. Turning Luis into a villain/Nemesis enemy is too much, but Simplycom have made 3 games thus far with recycled enemy concepts of Mr. X because “Mr X was popular in REmake 2”. If you count Nemesis at all. That and they’re supposedly taking the “Right Hand of Salazar” boss and turning it into ANOTHER Nemesis enemy, plus you have ANOTHER Nemesis enemy known as the “Jester” or “Clown” in the waterway. REmake 4 is going to be a shitshow of redudant enemy types, mark my words. Fans of the original are likely to hate this and draw criticism towards an overuse of enemy design (except the Youtubian Pimps. Expect them to tongue arse the game for all it’s worth)

Secondly, Ashley is going to be changed to be less of a damsel in distress, and will be “more confident” when it comes to saving Leon. Is it just me… or are they going to alter Ashley’s personality and/or role? Considering this “change” is there to address complaints about Ashley in general, I can’t help but feel they’e missing the point of Asheley overall, likely to try and give her that “girl power” angle that Claire, Ada Wong, and especially Jill were all saddled with. The leak in general sounds like it’s taking a page out of Moira Burton, one of the absolute worst female characters in the entire franchise, as well as Rebecca Chambers with that “Save Leon” gig. This sounds nice on paper, but if we take what happened with the latter 3 female characters, I have suspicions that they’re going to make Ashley WORSE in this game!

Plus, the outrage youtubers are going to have a field day with that shit when the game comes out, what with Leon being undermined to make Ashley look stronger and more capable. That shit is coming, get ready for Razorfist, Critical Drinker, and anyone else to dive in on that shit like Sylvester on Tweety Bird (keyword “Tweety”). Also, Leon “collapsing” happened in the original after his fight with Moby Dick, but it was Ada (or Luis) who had to save him in this regard (which makes sense as this happened BEFORE Leon could ever save Ashley). So… no one thinks this takes away from Ada? One of the aspects of her character was that she was working for the badguys, and is often trying to manipulate Leon for her own ends. But saving his life here would show that “hey maybe she DOES care about him, and she refuses to show it, or she’s keeping him alive because he’s a useful tool for her own objectives”. Keeps the whole “mysterious agent” thing in play. Aren’t we fucking that up because “Ashley’s character was wrong. We absolutely HAVE to fix it”?

I’m sure everyone’s looking at this particular leak and are praising it to the highest of heavens just because it’s “happening”, but what I’m looking at is a pattern. Simplycom has fucked 3 female characters pulling this shit. Claire, most people would overlook because she was always a tomboy (nevermind that she’s never displayed such forced aggression, vulgar shouting, and horrible temperment in any of the games until the remake), but NO ONE has an excuse for Ada Wong! That shit was unnecessary and RUINED her character! I fear what kind of attitude she will have in REmake 4! But Jill!? THAT WAS CROSSING SOME FUCKING LINES! They FUCKED her character to push the girl power nonsense in areas that never needed to be ventured into because, for some fucking reason, Simplycom’s idea of a strong female character is a stank attitude. I swear this is where they’re gonna go with Ashley’s character. If I’m wrong, so be it, but “The patterns are there, buried in the data”.

The “problem” with Ashley wasn’t her role or her character. It was the fact that her involvement in gameplay turned most of the experience into a glorified escort mission, thus people look at the character negatively. DESPITE this, RE4 is still the most overrated piece of rat shit ever known to mankind. Ashley did not ruin the experience so much that the game was lesser for it. Mostly because those escort segments were relatively minimal compared to other elements of gameplay. On the other hand, RE5 and RE6 have more “helpful” female partners, and those games are rated much LOWER than RE4. So what does that tell you? Ashley’s role as the damsel was never a problem if people were willing to constantly buy every port of RE4 that comes into existence. The thing about Shinji Mikami was that he was always about “creating tension” through gameplay. Part of the tension in RE4 was trying to keep Ashley safe during dangerous gunfights with Ganados. People grumbled about this, but this didn’t stop them from playing the game. A better way to handle this (since you’re recycling ideas) is to give the bitch a crowbar and have her swing on people. Have a similar system to Revelations 2 with said partner character so she isn’t totally useless, but isn’t so overpowered that she’d be on par with Sheva or whatnot. I’d prefer that over having to revisit save points just to retrieve her. Not only would you be missing the point of Ashley, you’re actually making her WORSE!

As for everything else… meh. It sounds like it’ll be better than the original, though I’m not so keen on having to backtrack between save points just to save Ashley from getting eaten by the Right Hands of Salazar. Just seems like arbitrary padding to me.

I haven’t peeped every trailer that’s come out. Hell, I haven’t been keeping up with Frontier for a minute. Something about 2D segments being there, which means that the “open world” is probably some hub world or something, while the 2D shit are the actual Zone Acts. But like I said, haven’t paid much attention to it.

Oh look, Sonic Origins doesn’t have the Michael Jackson music. Again. My ability to care has diminished, and all I can wonder is if Sega was too cheap to pay royalties to the Jackson family.

AHH, the Mass Effect Trilogy! Those of ye who have read my blog (Btw, thank you) will no doubt be aware (and sick of knowing) that I ride this series’s nuts so hard, the Belmont family is cursed with envy. I’ve talked a great deal about Mass Effect for so long, but only ever as examples for other games to live by. Rarely have I ever used it for subject matter, but usually that honor is reserved for games that anger me. Which is why we’re focusing on Mass Effect 2 in particular.

Mass Effect Legendary Edition is yet another game I purchased a while back, but never got around to thanks to yet another unreasonable 100gig requirement. Odd considering the collection I have on PS3 averaged out to about 10 gigs or more in total, and generally confused me on how the LE could possibly be that large. As it turns out, the install size is roughly 68gigs, so all I can assume is that EA didn’t include all of the noted DLC for each game.

Having played through every game again, the guys who updated the trilogy really did their damndest to ensure it’s been improved to nigh perfection. Unfortunately, they forgot to scrub all the bugs out of the games. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten stuck in certain spots in the first game. Better loading times and frame rate have made the experience much smoother than before, and the addition of all the DLC content (so far) has made the LE worth the money, showing that the devs certainly had more love and care for Mass Effect than they did for Sonic Colors Ultimate (also hahahaha).

Unfortunately, while I love this series, it also reminds me of how trash it truly is. While the series is one that practically markets itself based on the dynamics of choice in how it changes the course of the story, I begin to feel that people gave Dragon Age 2 more shit than it deserves as that game… honestly makes a laughing stock of the decision making aspect of the ME trilogy as a whole. Mass Effect 1’s decisions barely have any effect on the latter 2 games, and same for 2 going into 3. Even more, the personality of Shepard isn’t really reflected all that well through your decisions. One of the things I noticed in my multiple playthroughs of Dragon Age 2 is that your character’s responses to certain questions and decisions is dependent upon how you originally responded to things throughout the beginning, making a more positive, negative, or sarcastic character for the rest of the game (and impacts how your party responds to you for the rest of the game), which is a helluva lot more than I can say for 2 and 3 as both games lean heavily towards Renegade and Paragon sides respectively with little to no regard for player choice or immersion.

And there’s still the matter of that ffffffffucking ending, but you’ve all heard enough of that, so I won’t bore you with details. It is the first time I’ve gotten to experience the “Refuse” ending which, if I’m being perfectly honest, feels more appropriate given that the Starbrat’s options all feel like inconclusive faustian bargains that make all of your decisions throughout the trilogy meaningless. What’s the point of saving the Geth and having them make peace with the Quarians if the only option is to kill em off? The Refuse ending actually offers closure, gives a definitive end, and doesn’t leave players in the dark like the other bullshit endings, nor does it require you to do fucking everything in all three games to achieve some arbitrary 7800 point total, just to have your vague happy ending. Yeah it was probably put in the game as a giant middle finger by Bioware and EA for people who hated the “vision” of the color coded endings (and is likely what contributed more so to the largely unwarranted hatred of Andromeda), and continues the line of thought in regards to Fatalism, but it’s refreshing to see people aren’t a bunch of mindless sycophants who accept that interpretation without question, instead championing the Refusal as the true Paragon ending, regardless of how little sense that makes. I’d be more concerned with how and why the Reapers randomly show up in the beginning of 3 rather than what the ending proposes. Didn’t it take Saren a whole ass trip to Ilos and a Conduit to bring the Reapers from Dark Space? That Arrival shit from ME2 makes even less sense. If all you needed was one damn relay, all the shit you did in ME1 to stop the Conduit was meaningless.

And… that’s one of the biggest problems with the Trilogy. It’s inconsistent as fuck. Primarily because things that were established in the first game are, for whatever reason, largely ignored for the rest of the series.

Not sure why it took the “Legendary Edition” for people to realize that Mass Effect 1 was the number 1 best game if people are willing to push through mechanical problems of games like “The Witcher 3” in order to enjoy the game, but people are weird like that. Instead of looking at Mass Effect as an action RPG, they strictly looked at the game as just another turd person shooter, thus the combat comes off as “janky” to them. Having played through all 3 games again, I’m inclined to say that the combat of the first game trounces the other 2, mainly because the fire fights don’t last several minutes at a time with waves of enemies like a traditional turd person shooter. Strategic positioning, weapon proficiencies for more unique classes, individual cool down rates for skills, unlimited ammo, and more variety in enemy strategies outside of “what moves do I need to beat this colored health bar over that other health bar“. ME2 and ME3 are the most repetitive goddamn games in the whole series. The combat gets old fast, and it’s not particularly fun having to camp in one spot just to avoid damage. Plus, the level of customization in the first game shits all over the combat in 2 and 3 combined. You don’t have to rely so much on your squadmates to compensate for a lack of abilities as much as you do in the latter games. Don’t have Overload but don’t want to use Tech characters? Cryo Rounds, bitch! ME1 has loads of options that can make combat a breeze while not being too easy… if that makes sense. Not to mention the areas you visit in the game are nowhere near as linear as the latter 2 games, which translates to level design. Because it wasn’t designed as a typical TPS, you have plenty of areas to take cover in, meaning you don’t have to hold up in one particular spot. You’ve got plenty of walls to shield yourself from gunfire, plus they make good targets for grenades and tech attacks when enemies decide to stay in cover for too long. Sure beats having to get the “correct angle” in the latter games for certain moves, otherwise you’ll be coming up with new swear words for every skill you’ve wasted because you didn’t get that damn angle. Combat in ME1 rewards experimentation, positioning, and a little bit of cleverness whereas 2&3 limits you to set in stone strategies whereby you are forced to lean on certain skills and squadmates for the entire game, leading to burnout of having to use the same shit over and over again. Superior combat my ass, I’ll take the “jank” any day over that shit.

But we all know the real reason people play Mass Effect. The story. The content. The real meat of the series. As I’ve mentioned a million times over the course of this blog’s lifespan, Mass Effect is a game that gives players the power to chart their own course that their personal stories take. Each and every player will have their own unique experiences based on their own actions throughout an entire trilogy of games. OR… at least that WAS the idea. This was the idea in the first Mass Effect game. The latter 2 installments, no doubt as a result of EA’s machinations, turned the element of choice into a cheap system of rewards and punishments, clearly favoring certain decisions over others by the time you reach the end of the series where the quote “best ending” occurs based on your actions. ME1 is truly the only game in the series that does not punish you for the choices you make, especially since you’re not given much of an option in regards to a certain Virmire survivor.

ME2, much like any secondary installment in a series, is regarded as the best game in the entire trilogy, which makes one wonder if bad taste is as contagious as it is persistent. There could be a number of reasons for this perspective, mostly coming from bandwagoning, or people that generally don’t like RPGs. ME1 was originally relegated to the PC iirc while ME2 is the first console release (or PS3 release, idk), being taylor made for an environment where console shooters reigned supreme for a while, and being the one game in the series that took a drastic tonal shift towards something akin to Shadow the Hedgehog or Jak 2 in the most unnecessary fashion you could think of, appealing to the base instincts of gamers everywhere. The irony of this is that ME2 is what people think of when they say “Edgelord”, yet it gets a free pass for reasons that baffle me.

Recently with LE (with a certain level of Catharsis, I might add), Mass Effect 2 has become rather polarizing with people finding that the first game is (indeed) the best of the bunch while 2 feels shallow and out of place in the entire trilogy. Something I could’ve told anyone, but as always, time heals more than reason. Others still cling to the idea that ME2 is the greatest (mainly because of first impressions and not a secondary playthrough), and sure, whatever floats your boat. The problem with ME2 is that, compared to the rest of the series (and yes, that includes Andromeda), it is the least “Mass Effect” game. It sounds weird to say given that it’s only the second game, but imo, games in a series should adhere, somewhat, to the gameplay, tone, music, atmosphere, and content of the original. Failure to do so leads to the next game feeling disconnected from the rest of the series, like an oddball, the black sheep. Something that taints an otherwise decent series. Mass Effect 2 fits the bill on all fronts, and few wish to accept it.

In short, lets put it this way. Mass Effect 1 and Andromeda both feel like Videogame versions of Star Trek, Lost in Space, or any other scifi space exploration media you can think of. Mass Effect 2 is Suicide Squad in Space, with a bunch of comic book superhero caricatures taking the place of military squadmates, scientists, engineers, and battlemasters. It breaks any real semblance of connectivity the games could have with one another, instead thrusting you into a world without regard for the genuine, grounded world of the first game, and exchanging it all for a caricature of the original’s lore that’s more cartoonish and “DC Comics” than it is Mass Effect. Subtle and intricate story beats that contributed to the story of the original are now side stories that are pratically compulsory to the completion of the series (this is the fault of ME3 more so than 2, admittedly). You’re constantly assaulted with the feeling that nothing actually matters in the game, and you’re playing a glorified side story that you’re required to finish before getting to a better, or worsely written, 3rd installment.

The tonal shift towards a darker and edgier atmosphere feels less appropriate than it ever did in Shadow the Hedgehog. It comes off more as the developers trying to prove a point rather than make a legitimate world. ME1 was dark enough with it’s foreboding music in certain areas, and the often foreshadowing nature of it’s sidequests that go deep into the realms of Cosmic Horror such as Indoctrination, Husks, and Rachni. It did not need to go the route of vulgar mercenaries, conceited space pirates, juvenile prison psychics, criminal underworld in practically every mission you go into, Animu styled Battle Ceremonies, Courtroom dramas, addictive drugs or Blue Skinned Wonder Woman knockoffs. I get the game is based in the Terminus Systems, and that most of your enemies come from the 3 mercenary groups, but what I don’t get is why the Citadel itself presents the same kind of atmosphere seeing as it’s not in the damn Terminus Systems. The atmosphere is exaggerated to be more comical or grim depending on the environment, and it’s achieved in the most juvenile of ways. There’s an unnecessary level of profanity which… feels weird to complain about, I admit, but it feels like an attempt to make the game seem more “edgy” than it really is. Hell, if Shadow can get shit for saying “Damn” all the time, so should Mass Effect 2 s’all I’m saying.

It’s also rather unrealistic that every planet, even some within Citadel Space, always has mercenary presence on it, with the Blue Suns being over exposed. Which is a detail that bugs me. One of the areas in the game is a place called Omega, an Asteroid modeled to be the opposite of the Citadel, ruled by a notorious space pirate named Aria T’Loak. Aria, for all intents and purposes, controls the Mercenary Groups. Blue Suns, Blood Pack, and Eclipse, you name it. With Aria being the de-facto leader of the Terminus Systems, the merc groups are representatives. The council on the Citadel will not do anything to enter the Terminus Systems out of fear of all out war. Yet groups from the Terminus Systems are allowed to roam freely throughout citadel space and do crimes that interfere with ordinary every day life. The Terminus Systems don’t give a damn about intersteller war with Citadel Space so much that they can send tainted eezo and Red Sand all over the place without fear of repercussion. Either they think/know that the Council is that spineless, or the Council is corrupt, which is implied in ME3 when Aria sneaks into the Citadel and is able to get processed into refugee status via the Asari Councilor without going through the proper channels. Either way, this relationship is one-sided as fuck, and shows why it’s never a good idea to keep the council alive in the first game.

Even worse, it feels like your character’s personality was being dictated for you to be more “renegade”. The Okeer mission has your character enjoying scaring someone, the voice direction (at least for Hale) being more aggressive and angry sounding outside of Renegade Options, the increased galling presence of autodialog without the wheel, the character having a threatening tone in said autodialog, it often feels like you have less control over your character’s persona than you did in the first game where practically every response was yours to dictate. “Assuming Control” indeed, because I feel as though it’s been stripped away from me! I knew something was wrong when the loading screens had a tip saying “Become the biggest badass in the Galaxy by choosing Renegade Options”. The game is essentially dictating to you what path you choose. Not merely by the tips screen (yes I know they mention Paragon Options), but the way the game’s tone carries itself, and the autodialog having your character revel in renegade actions, it makes yourself feel jarring and inconsistent with what the game wants. You’re… “encouraged” to be renegade regardless of what you want. It doesn’t help that some of your squadmates and other npcs will have less respect for you if you choose Paragon responses. The game even goes out of it’s way to insult you if you go Paragon on certain things, what the fuck, EA?

Better yet, certain NPCs will automatically treat you as if you were Renegade by default. For instance, Conrad Verner, a fanboy of Shepard’s from the first game, will actually talk about wanting to become a Spectre. Now in ME1, you have the option of convincing him NOT to do anything either by telling him to stay home and be a family man, or be a total dick and stick a gun in his face. Since I’m not one to be an asshole to fans, I basically convince him that his wife needs him more than the spectres do, questioning his military background and all. That’s all I did. But in ME2, he says I was a jerk to him! The fuck!? I met you halfway, asshole! So nice to know choices like that don’t matter at all! Why did Mac Walters make assumptions about my choices?

Speaking of Squadmates, I absolutely DESPISE them all! With the exception of Tali and Thane (because I hate the change to Garrus’s personality, sue me), every squadmate in the game is arrogant and abrassive to the core. Everyone is so high on their own shit that you’d have to go cold turkey on conversations because everyone is so goddamn smug. Unfortunately, because EA doesn’t understand the concept of “choice” from the first game, you don’t have the option of avoiding them (or at the very least, 2 of them) as their survival is needed for you to get a decent ending. So it is compulsory to do their loyalty missions. Fortunately enough, they get humbled during their own daddy issues quest, but after first impressions, I’m inclined to not care about any of them. Suffering through more hours of ME2 is not something I want to do, but again, you have no real choice in the matter.

That’s another thing that bothers me about ME2. It’s tedious as fuck! ME2 is nothing but mindless work as you have to complete loyalty missions, farm for materials by scanning planets over and over again, using said materials to build ship defenses so you don’t lose squadmates early on, and then go online to find a goddamn flow chart so that when you DO start the suicide mission, you don’t end up killing certain teammates by putting the “wrong” people on certain jobs because even if you complete their loyalty missions, they’re not guaranteed to survive if you give them the wrong task, making all your loyalty mission work absolutely pointless, and forcing you to restart the whole damn thing if you wanted to ensure that everyone survives, fucking hell. It goes without saying that simply traveling to different planets and star systems have been made 100% worse by having to manually fly to each system which consumes fuel, forcing you to buy more each time you come across a fuel depot as well as Probes for materials and landing zones on each planet. How anyone can like this game over 1 is beyond me, but I guess people care so much about Mordin that everything else is just automatically gold (you literally will not hear praise for anyone else BUT Mordin Solis, I shit you not. People think he IS the damn game!)

Oh and stupidly enough, doing everyone’s loyalty mission guarantees a fight breaks out between 2 of them, and for some stupid reason, if you DON’T have enough Paradon/Renegade points, you’re forced to take one side of the argument, costing you the loyalty of the other person, thus rendering your efforts pointless!? Then you have to spend more time kissing that person’s ass just to get it back!? Who the fuck thought this was a good idea!? Worse yet, because Paragon and Renegade scoring on ME2 is so ass, you are practically REQUIRED to import a character from ME1 just to have a snowball’s chance at any dialog choices beyond the default options that often always come with the worst outcomes, or *shudders* replay the game on NG+ just to maintain and boost your Morality scores.

Mass Effect 2 was an overall painful experience that bordered on insanity, and begs the question of why people rated it so highly in the past. But nothing could compare to how dull, lifeless, and unfulfilling ME2’s story is. Your character dies at the beginning for trailer bait, I’d assume, and is immediately resurrected via the Lazarus Project. 2 years afterward, you’re FORCED… to work for Cerberus, a bunch of terrorists that were once relegated to sidequests in the first game, in order to hunt “collectors”, random aliens that people just “know” about without any real indication of how. The collectors are harvesting Human colonies in specific for the most retarded of reasons. Thus, you have to venture out into the Terminus Systems to recruit 12 of the “most badass mercenaries ever assembled” to take on a mission so perilous, it’s considered Suicide! Not to mention having to upgrade the Normandy SR2, the rebuilt ship that was destroyed in the intro of the game… why!? I mean… if you rebuilt the Normandy, you’d think it would come prepackaged with the necessary upgrades to deal with the Collectors advanced weapons. Or did the Lazarus Project fuck up your budget that much that I have to go do more bitch work in planet hopping?
By the end of the game, you find that the Collectors are kidnapping humans to make (I shit you not)… a “human reaper” that looks like the Terminator-800 model, only jumbo sized, and coming equipped with a giant metal cock that destroys platforms. This game is stupid. Nevermind how much Sovereign belittled Organics as being “nothing”, yet here, they’re important enough that Reapers cant proliferate without harvesting them!? Even the lore gets fucked by ME2, and no one cares because Mordin Solis feels guilty over the Genophage, and we all know the Genophage is the only thing that matters in Mass Effect. Why? Because we all like Wrex and assume every Krogan is as benevolent and innocent like him… even though the Krogan prove time and again that they got what they deserved. They willingly NUKE their own world just to maintain a “Strong will Survive” culture amongst themselves, OR because population control, take your pick. ME2 is more lifesim than it is scifi adventure rpg akin to Star Trek. But a big problem is that the main plot of the collectors takes a backseat to everyone’s personal problems. Sure we can expand upon the universe, see more than one Quarian, discover Krogan Culture, see the criminal side of the Asari, and have the Drell as a new species, but at what expense!? The story’s a mess, you are robbed of any real control of your character’s personality and choices, less customization in terms of skill trees and weapons, too many compulsory sidequests, and farming fetch quests!

I fucking HATE Mass Effect 2!

But like most games in the world, this could be improved in so many ways. And… I might have a few suggestions here and there. Because Mass Effect is complex in it’s lore, I might screw up a few details, but hell. So much of the series lore was broken by the second game, and no one cared so long as they got to feel morally superior in thinking the Genophage was wrong.

Aside from scaling back on the planet hopping aspects, here’s how I would do the main story.

Game starts off in Aratoht of the Bahak System of Viper Nebula. Shepard and the Virmire Survivor (Referred to as “Kash”) are on a mission to rescue an associate of Admiral Hackett’s. Dr. Amanda Kenson, a deep cover operative who had found proof of an imminent Reaper invasion. When they find her and escape on shuttle, she explains to Shepard and Kash that everything they’ve heard in regards to a potential Reaper invasion. Though Shepard questions how the reapers could have another means of entering the milky way, Kenson explains that the Mass Relays were created by the Reapers, meaning they could possess more than one Gateway into their Galaxy. Thus, the Alpha Relay is the target of a desperate operation. They head to Asteroid X57 and decide to use it’s propulson system to destroy the Alpha Relay before it is activated. However, Kenson and her team is immediately attacked by Balak, the terrorist Batarian who originally tried to use X57 to destroy Earth. He had caught wind of Kenson’s plan and wished to stop her in order to save the Batarian home system, seeing this attempt as retaliation against him. His Batarians and Varren swarm the Asteroid, killing Kenson and her Science team, leaving Shepard and Kash in a race against time to destroy the Relay.

After killing the Batarians and Balak, they find the Propulson system. “Kaiden” will be hesitant to activate it as he doesn’t want to kill innocent lives in the area, leaving Shepard with the decision. “Ashley” will have no qualms about doing so, seeing the Batarians as the self-proclaimed enemies of humanity, and activates the system without mercy. Shepard can choose to warn the Batarians to evacuate their homeworlds afterward. Doing so will grant Paragon Points, but barely any Batarians will survive regardless.

The Alpha Relay activates, however, and one Reaper manages to get through, that being Harbinger. The Asteroid then destroys the Relay, giving Shepard and Kash little time to escape the ensuing explosion. The Relay blows up the entire Bahak system, and Harbinger escapes.

The Batarians that do survive demand blood for what has happened, and the Alliance has no desire to get involved in a war with them. The Batarians also plan to declare war against the Council and all of Citadel Space for this. Whether or not you chose to save the council, Shepard will be stripped of his Spectre status, arrested, and given a death penalty. Kash will be spared, judged only as being under the orders of a spectre to blow up the relay. “Ashley” will try to claim responsibility for it as she is the one who activates X57, but you can do a Paragon interrupt to silence her. The end result is that Shepard is now imprisoned, and is awaiting his death sentence. Shepard’s only concern is that one Reaper who managed to escape. Despite his many pleas and warnings to take the new Reaper threat seriously, the Alliance and Council repeatidly ignore him, seeing him as politically inconvenient now.

Speaking of escape, a Cerberus operative named “Paul Grayson”, breaks into the Alliance Prison to help Shepard escape. In a stealth mission of sorts, Paul creates diversions to help Shepard sneak past guards. Once outside, a shuttle arrives on the scene with either Captain Anderson (If the Council survives OR if Anderson was made Counciler) or Miranda Lawson of Cerberus. The truth is they both believe that the Reaper threat is real, and they cannot have the backroom politics of the Council or Alliance get in the way of such threat.

There are multiple choices here. Anderson gives Shepard the option of reinstating his Spectre status, seeing as the Council’s own rules would permit the destruction of the Alpha Relay, OR suggest that he joins Cerberus as they’re not bound to the rules of the Council OR the Alliance Military. Spectre status or Cerberus status would give Shepard access to different weapons, armors, and general equipment. Joining or refusing Cerberus would also determine the Squadmates and romance options you can obtain. In specific-

:Non-Cerberus: (Normandy Crew)
Ashley/Kaiden
Tali
Liara
Samara
Legion
Feron
Kal-Reeger

:Cerberus: (Fenrir Crew)
Miranda
Jacob
Jack
Grunt
Zaeed
Kai Leng
Morinth
Brooks

:Interchangable:
Garrus
Mordin
Thane
Kasumi

If you imported a “Paragon” Shepard AND have completed at least 1 Cerberus related sidequest, you will be LOCKED OUT of joining Cerberus. Importing a “Renegade” Shepard will still give you the option of joining them regardless if you’ve completed any Cerberus related missions. Saving the Council, however, WILL lock you out of Cerberus as well with Miranda’s reasoning being that “Cerberus cannot trust Shepard to do what’s in the best interest of humanity.”
You can also be locked out of joining Cerberus if you chose the Sole Survivor Psyche Profile as that Profile related to a Cerberus attack on Akuze, all of this regardless if you were Paragon or Renegade. In other words, you’ll have to be purely Renegade, kill the council, and have a profile that doesn’t relate to Cerberus in any way. Earthborn/Ruthless Background with Renegade is preferable.

Despite this, Miranda and Jacob will at least join you for the Freedom’s Progress mission even if you didn’t join them, seeing as that’s their destination. And it gets them away from the Alliance and the Citadel.

Freedom’s Progress was a human colony that was recently attacked by what was considered an “Unidentified flying object”. Traveling there, they find many of the residents were turned into Husks, and that many of the drones were reprogrammed to kill any survivors. They do meet the Quarians and Tali, mostly under Tali’s request. Seeing as she survived the encounter with Sovereign, she was worried that another Reaper would do even more damage than before. The Quarians seem to be more concerned about the threat of a reaper than the rest of the galaxy. Most of this chapter proceeds more or less the same. The difference here is the footage of the attack shows that of Marauders while also showing the Reaper Harbinger leaving the area. Recognizing that the Marauders were wearing Blue Suns armor, Miranda and Jacob deduce that mercenary groups from Omega may have become indoctrinated servants of Harbinger, and if so, could initiate a war between the Terminus Systems and Citadel Space, allowing Harbinger to wreak havoc across the Milky Way while the Galaxy is too divided to notice.

Fortunately for the group, Paul Grayson was already in Omega, discussing certain matters with it’s ruler, Aria T’Loak. Unfortunately, however, he seemed to have been captured by Blue Suns mercs. Shepard, out of gratitude, decides to head for Omega to save him.

Once there, if the Council was killed, Zaeed would be present and eager to join Cerberus if only to get some “payback” against the Blue Suns Leader, Vido. NOTE: There are NO loyalty missions in this game. Certain Loyalty missions will be integrated into the main story, but the vast majority will be excluded. Mainly because… they suck.

Shepard and crew gain intel that Grayson was last seen in the Gozu district, Blue Suns territory, and investigate. There, they find that many of the residents and Mercs were indoctrinated, and were killing people in the area. Aria, for some reason, turned a blind eye, and referred to the area as an epicenter of a plague, putting the Blue Suns in charge of restoring order. Those that weren’t affected by the Indoctrination fled to a clinic headed by Mordin Solus. They go there to find him, seeing that he is an STG agent undercover as he had found “disturbing news” of increased Krogan Activity on Omega, particularly concerning Blood Pack mercenaries. The 3 ask if they’ve seen Grayson, to which Mordin replies no. At the same time, however, Mordin sees that the group in question are there for a specific reason, and sees an opportunity to gain their aid. For the promise of finding the cause of the “plague”, Shepard and party will have a new ally. Shepard goes to find the source of the “plague”, finding a “Reaper Seed”, a device that emits EM waves that indoctrinate those in the surrounding area. Where it came from, no one knows. Shepard resists it’s indoctrination and manages to destroy the seed with minimal trouble. Afterward, Mordin joins your party.

Afterward, the group confronts Aria T’Loak. The meeting goes about the same as before, but with the difference of demanding answers on why Aria ignored what was going on in the Gozu district. Snapping back by declaring that Omega is hers to do as she pleases, Aria then explains that she’s been busy trying to rid her station of a “pest problem”. The Terminus’s primary Mercenary faction, the Blue Suns, is owned by her, mainly as a result of Vido’s past dealings, a fact that angers Zaeed. The pest in question is undermining the Blue Suns ability to get their jobs done, which in turn undermines Aria’s influence, making people question her ability and leadership, which could lead to potential mutinies. Shepard and crew explains that mutinies are even more likely after the situation in Gozu, explaining that Reaper technology was used to turn the residents against each other. At first, she’s in disbelief that the Reapers would be interested in her at all, but then affirms it by suggesting that her infamy proceeds her more than Shepard. Aria then proposes a deal. She’ll “try to do her job better” if, and ONLY if, Shepard and crew take care of the pest problem in question. A Turian Vigilante known as the “Archangel” was hiding out in the Kima District while dealing with the bulk of the Blue Suns. At the same time, he came to “capture” a man named Paul Grayson, peaking everyone’s attention, with Aria requesting that they retrieve him… “alive”. Asking her what Grayson means to her, Aria will simply tell you to “fuck off and deal with that problem. She’s not a patient woman.”

So begins the next mission to find Garrus. Eclipse is excluded from the line up. The Blood Pack will ONLY be present if Wrex is alive, with Mordin being concerned with their presence. Garm, the leader, claims he’s there to aid the Blue Suns in riding the galaxy of yet another Turian, despite the fact that the Blue Suns have plenty of Turian membership. As for Tarak, well… that meeting is about the same. The actual mission itself remains the same for the most part, but the difference here is that Garrus is on Omega for completely different reasons than before. Grayson was also present. After playing 20 questions, it turns out that Grayson was on Omega because he was in a relationship with Aria’s daughter, but ONLY as a ruse to get close to Aria. Cerberus was interested in taking over Omega as an FOB for the Terminus Systems, not to mention it’s plethora of resources, with Aria being the stubborn wedge that refuses to let go of the station. As for Garrus, he was tipped off by a reporter who was investing corruption on the Citadel. If you helped Emily Wong on ME1, Shepard will quickly deduce that she was Garrus’s source. What and why of the current situation would have to wait, however, as the Blue Suns were already prepped to pour into their hideout. The mission goes about the same as usual, but the key difference here is that Aria actually joins in the fight. Before she could do anything, however, the Blue Suns IMMEDIATELY turn on her and try to kill her in the area. As well, the Blood Pack would also join in the attack. This gives Shepard’s party the perfect chance to escape. Using the cover of the gunfight, the large group races through Omega’s underbelly, trying to find escape shuttles. Unfortunately, they run into Kandross and her security team who block off the exits. A gun fight ensues that results in Grayson’s death.

Depending on whether or not you joined Cerberus, Miranda, Jacob, and Zaeed will either continue to help you escape, or abandon you, Garrus, and Mordin outright. The latter being excused as “no longer having an ace in the hole” or “having any more Cerberus staff on Omega worth saving.” On the other hand, they will immediately call for evac, with a new ship known as “Fenrir”, and the missions ends. Otherwise, the mission continues with Shepard, Garrus, and Mordin who have to find another way off the station. Unfortunately, they get ambushed and knocked out by a Blue Suns Wardin, Kyrill, and transported to the prison ship, Purgatory.

While in their box cells, or aboard the Fenrir, Garrus discusses Wong’s intel, tracing members of the Council to Omega’s criminal activities. Asari Counciler Tesos had made a deal with Aria that, in exchange for any Prothean Artifacts found in the Terminus Systems, the Blue Suns would be allowed to operate in Citadel Space, along with smaller criminals like Fist and Fade. At the same time, there would be a mutual agreement of non-violence between Citadel Space and the Terminus Systems so long as the agreement was maintained. No Citadel Fleets in Terminus, no hostile takeovers of Citadel Space by Omega. However, Aria started “getting greedy”. Seeing that Sovereign made a mess of the Citadel, many of Aria’s people were killed in the attack, so she demanded some form of compensation. That compensation came in the form of Reaper Salvage, something she believed would give Omega and the Terminus Systems far more power than before. This was one of the many reasons Grayson operated on Omega. Anderson/Udina, being new to this information, would try to curb this if the Council was sacrificed in the first game. Otherwise, it would continue unabated.

It was this level of corruption that Garrus couldn’t stand for, and got out as soon as he did, thinking that he could put an end to this permanently.

If aboard the Fenrir, if you encouraged Garrus to be more Renegade than Paragon, he will join your party with Cerberus. Otherwise, he’ll demand to be dropped off at the Citadel. At this point, you’ll be free to explore some planets, or even the Citadel itself. But you WON’T be able to go to the Presidium. You’ll also have to avoid C-Sec officers, or a chase sequence will occur, forcing you to find a way off the station.

But if you’re on Purgatory, you’ll have to complete an additional mission first, escaping Purgatory itself. Which is easy considering that everyone in the complex starts going crazy. As it turns out, even Wardin Kyrill had Reaper Tech on the station, hoping it could be used to turn the inmates into his own private army. Unfortunately, the Mercs and Inmates all became indoctrinated, and started killing each other. The cell doors all unlock, seemingly at random, and the inmates initiate a full scale riot. Shepard, Garrus, and Mordin take advantage of the confusion to try and find another escape shuttle. While there, Mordin finds some terminals with information regarding the Blood Pack’s unannounced presence on Omega, and the real reason they might’ve been there was for the dissappearance of The Krogan Warlord Okeer. They face off with Kyrill who managed to resist indoctrination, and then continue their escape. Fortunately for them, they are rescued by their unlikely allies.

Kash and Liara both appear and start blasting any enemies that get in their way as they retrieve the trio, escaping onto the Normandy and getting out of the area. Kash, Liara, Joker, and the rest of the Normandy crew explain that they were authorized, by the Council, to scour the galaxy in search of Geth strongholds. A convenient lie to find and assist Shepard in his search of Harbinger.

Cerberus side, on the other hand, purposefully went there to retrieve “Subject Zero” (Jack), one of Cerberus’s little side projects who’s L5x implant was made with Reaper tech to boost her biotic abilities on par with an Asari Matriarch. Since the station was already in a riot, Shepard’s squad could get in, find Jack, and hopefully get out with minor injuries. The confrontation and hostility with Miranda remains the same.

Afterward, both the Normandy and/or Fenrir crews will know 2 things. Harbinger is loose somewhere in the galaxy, and that the remains of Sovereign were spread through out the Terminus Systems, with the latter causing widespread incidents of indoctrination. Both are equally a threat, but without a clue as to find Harbinger, all they can really do is race around the galaxy and shut down all the “Reaper Seeds” across Terminus. Mordin, however, proposes an idea. They find any Reaper tech they come across, and then Mordin can reverse engineer it to create a tracking signal that would help them pinpoint the location of Harbinger. The Normandy crew expresses doubt of the plan, knowing just how easy it is to indoctrinate people with just one Reaper Fragment, though Mordin assures them that he won’t fall prey to it’s influence. As part of the Fenrir crew, Miranda suggests using Jack as her implant carries Reaper Tech, but she threatens to kill Mordin and especially Miranda if they start experimenting on her.

So the only lead they have is what Mordin found on Purgatory in regards to the Warlord Okeer. They head for Korlus where one of the Blue Suns leaders, Jedore, was holding Okeer prisoner. Okeer had managed to replicate Saren’s experiments on Virmire, specifically that of cloned Krogan. He had also raided a Blue Suns transport in the traverse at an unknown point and time. They head through Korlus, battle through Blue Suns and Krogan Clones, and make their way to Okeer himself. The conversation goes the same way as before, the difference being that Grunt would not be “pure Krogan”. Instead, Okeer wanted to create a “Super Krogan”. A Krogan combined with Reaper Tech to become the ultimate Bioweapon, to which everyone thinks is insane. Jedore kills Okeer the same way as before, forcing the group to confront and kill her as well. Seeing as Okeer is dead and gone, they now come into possession of Grunt.

The Normandy Crew will keep Grunt in his tank, fearing that he could tear the whole ship apart. They’re also wary of it being combined with Reaper Tech, fearing that they could be affected by him. That said, Mordin wouldn’t be able to get a sample of said Reaper Tech in order to transfix a proper signal. Thus, the group is back to square one.

Fenrir Crew, on the other hand, lets him out to become a Squadmate, and so that Mordin can get to work. Grunt attacks Mordin, being “programmed” to hate Salarians, but is saved by Jack, surprisingly. After a short, albeit intense argument, Grunt calms down, seeing Jack as a “worthy foe” to fight against as well as alongside. Thus begins a strange bond between the 2 (not in the way you guys might be thinking). With that in mind, Mordin is able to get a sample of Grunt’s Reaper tech.

However, before either party can get a plan going, they receive reports that Horizon is under attack by Harbinger, and immediately rush to the scene. There, they find that Harbinger had planted Dragon Teeth and indoctrinated many of the residents, forcing others to become husks. The Normandy Crew will try to avoid casualties while the Fenrir Crew will shoot anyone on sight. Paragon and Renegade scores will be given depending on whether you choose to kill the enemies here. The goal is the same, activating the AA Defense Towers so as to find some way to chase Harbinger off of Horizon. Though they are successful, Harbinger manifests itself as a VI on a terminal, introducing itself and… generally talking shit about how Shepard and Co. fumble in ignorance, having no clue as to what Harbinger is planning, how it’s beyond his comprehension, et all. Afterward, it leaves Horizon completely with the gang proclaiming that “they will stop him” and such.

For the Normandy Crew, Mordin decides the best way to deal with the Grunt situation is by taking Grunt to Tuchanka, and opening the tank there so that there is less collateral damage. Everyone is against the idea seeing as the Krogan or themselves could be indoctrinated. But eventually, Shepard agrees it’s the only other option they have. Thus, they head for Tuchanka.
There, if Wrex is alive, they all have a nice little reunion, same as before, and then they talk business about unleashing Grunt. Wrex realizes that Grunt’s tank belonged to Okeer, and assumes the Blood Pack was successful in retrieving him. However, they inform him that Okeer is dead, and that Grunt is all that’s left of his legacy. The group also informs him that Grunt is fixed with Reaper Tech, making him too dangerous to let loose. Wrex, however, wants to take that risk Given that Okeer copied Saren’s experiments, Wrex feels obligated to personally dispose of Grunt with his own hands… UNLESS they can find a way to remove the Reaper parts.
However, a rival Clan, Weyrloc, ambushes the Urdnot camp, and steals Grunt by force. Shepard and crew chase after them to the Weyrloc territories and find that Weyrloc Guld sees Grunt as an abomination. Another Bioweapon giftwrapped to them by Mordin Solus, “A butcher of Krogan”. When questioned about what they mean, Guld reveals that Mordin worked on a modified version of the Genophage, prolonging the suffering of the Krogan race. While the group is stunned by this, they still have to retrieve Grunt’s tank… by force. They demolish Clan Weyrloc and retrieve the tank. The area they’re in seemed to be the perfect place to open the Tank. So… they do. There, Grunt is aggressive at first, but immediately calms down. Mordin deduces that Grunt’s chestpiece is a Reaper Fragment, and takes a big risk in removing it. Grunt is uncharacteristically calm about the ordeal.
Eitherway, Mordin successfully removes to fragment, and places it into an air tight case where it can’t affect anyone.
With that out of the way, Mordin confirms that yes, he DID work on modifying the Genophage, and knows that such work goes against the group’s own ideals. Thus, he gives Shepard the option of leaving him on Tuchanka so that he can atone for his sins (in which the Krogan slaughter him). You can do so, or you can keep Mordin around, affirming that they need his help fighting Harbinger. Lets assume you choose the latter since everyone loves Mordin.
After that, with Grunt no longer at risk of being indoctrinated, or putting the rest of Tuchanka at risk, Wrex demands that Grunt stay with Clan Urdnot so that he may learn what it means to be a Krogan… as well as how to change that way of life for the better.
HOWEVER… if Wrex is dead, then Wreav is in control of Clan Urdnot, having absorbed Weyrloc by force. There will be no mission to rescue Grunt. You will just be allowed to open the tank and work normally. Mordin won’t be ousted either. However, Wreav will also demand that Grunt stay with them to learn what it takes to be a Krogan. Unfortunately, this also means that Grunt will be killed by Uvenk, a Krogan purist.

The Fenrir Crew WON’T have to do this, however, since Cerberus had no qualms about opening Grunt’s tank. They instead go to Aite for Project Overlord. The Illusive man… wishes to experiment with the Reaper Fragment before doing anything else. Particularly, he wants to discover the secrets of “Indoctrination” as a means of being able to control the Reapers. However, when they get to Aite, of course something goes wrong, and Shepard’s crew have to get to the bottom of it. As it turns out, the experiment involved a human VI interface in one of the most gruesome experiments ever known. An autistic man named David Archer was “grafted” onto a large machine platform in order to replicate a VI, but at the cost of being mutilated. In an effort to escape his torment, he caused most of the security systems in the complex to go haywire, essentially daring someone to venture into his chamber and put an end to his suffering. After getting through the complex and finding David, you have 3 choices. To set David free, continue with the Reaper VI experiment, or to kill him, putting him out of his misery. Choosing the first or last options will force TIM to instead utilize EDI for a Reaper Scanner, but will put the Fenrir crew at potential risk of Indoctrination. Choosing the Neutral Option will coincide with future plans that TIM has in mind.

As for the Normandy Crew, Mordin has to construct a scanner by hand. If Mordin was left behind, you would have to return to the Citadel and find the Salarian named “Chorbin”. Whether you helped him in ME1 with the Keeper Scanning or not, he will assist you here. The difference being whether or not he requires you to do a certain job. If you helped him before, he’ll help to build you a scanner for free. If you didn’t, you’ll have to help him get his scanner back from C-Sec. It’s also an opportunity to find and recruit Kasumi if you’ve saved the Council, making this mission easier. Even if you DIDN’T leave Mordin behind, you’ll still have the option of returning to the Citadel to find Kasumi.

For the Normandy crew, after making a scanner, they trace a Reaper signal in Haestrom. They make their way there to find that Harbinger was draining the Sun in the Dholen system of it’s solar energy, which would speed up it’s process to becoming a Red Dwarf. As the Normandy crew begins to fight it, they receive a distress signal from Haestrom, from Tali Noriyah Vas Neema. Her and a Quarian Team went to Haestrom for their own reasons, steering clear of the Geth that controlled the planet. However, those Quarians started attacking and wiping out Geth Outposts, causing many of them to run to Harbinger for aid. With that, the Quarians are now trapped in a gunfight for their lives. Shepard begrudgingly leaves Harbinger to touch down on Haestrom and retrieve the Quarians. However, Harbinger also attacks the planet in a bid to kill Shepard, seeing him/her as a potential threat to the Reapers.

The Haestrom Mission plays out the same with the difference of a time limit, certain Geth being possessed by Harbinger, and the appearance of Legion. Legion actually tries fighting against the Geth, referring to them as “Heretics of the Old Machines” which confuses the crew. The mission proceeds about the same as in the original game, but this time with Legion assisting from afar with a sniper rifle. Saving Kal-Reeger is also important here as he can become a Squadmate. After destroying the Geth Armature at the end of the mission, the structure the crew are on begins to crumble. Tali is flung onto a falling platform as it tilts toward a cliff. As she falls, Legion jumps to the platform and saves her. Shepard then slides down to retrieve Tali and get her to safety, but is nearly knocked off balance as the platform tilts more. Tali takes Shepard’s and tries to pull him up. However, Legion loses it’s grip and starts to fall. There is a Paragon interrupt where Shepard can save Legion, but it will have a few consequences for the next area and Reeger.
Afterward, Shepard (And Legion) are pulled to safety and soon picked up by the Normandy Crew (plus Kal-Reeger). Harbinger then starts attacking the Normandy as it exits Haestrom. Joker manages to outpace the demonic Reaper until it hacks into the Reaper Tech onboard of the Ship, using it to shut off all systems and leaving the Normandy vulnerable to destruction. Harbinger mocks Shepard for being helpless against the might of the Reapers… until the Flotilla arrives, using heavy fire from their Dreadnoughts to repel it. Harbinger mocks their efforts in trying to damage it, but leaves anyway, feeling that he has enough energy from Haestrom’s sun that he need not waste more time dealing with the humans.

Aboard the flotilla, 2 things can happen. Either the Normandy crew is allowed to have a nice rest, OR, if you saved Legion, you’ll be detained. Shepard will remark that he’s been captured 3 times in one game. Then a trial commences regarding why Tali in particular brought an active Geth aboard the Flotilla. You basically have a modified version of Tali’s loyalty mission, except there’s no additional mission to retrieve evidence from a science ship. Just questions and answers. Answering everything well (or simply having a high Paragon/Renegade score) will ensure that Tali does not become exiled. In this instance, if Tali is not exiled, she will still be allowed to travel with Shepard in the future, along with Legion. However, Kal-Reeger will REFUSE to join the Normandy Crew because of it. If Tali IS exiled, Reeger will “be concerned” for Tali’s safety and will request to come aboard if only to keep her safe from the Geth. In this way, you get 3 new Squadmates instead of 2.
If you didn’t save Legion, no trial happens at all, and Reeger will join if you let him. Instead, the Quarians will discuss the Geth they found on Haestrom, and their relation to Harbinger. Tali had salvaged a portion of the Geth Armature’s memory core, as she usually does, and finds that Harbinger drained the sun’s energy not for it’s energy itself, but for a piece of Reaper Tech. Haestrom’s was changing rapidly due to dark energy signatures given off by this Reaper component. How and why it was located in the sun is unknown to the team, but they assume that the Reapers are far more capable of cosmic feats that organic life has yet to comprehend.
If Tali was exiled and forced off the Flotilla, this information is relayed to the group by Legion instead. Tali is far too distrusting of Legion for… obvious reasons, and has a bitch fit against Shepard and crew for allowing it aboard. Kal (if he’s there) would concur. You can choose to assauge their concerns or blow them off. Eitherway, they’re with you until the end.

In either case, the component that was in Haestrom’s Sun was recorded in the memory banks of the Geth. Using the Geth Memory Core OR Legion, Mordin will be able to reconfigure the scanner to track those components. They then trace another component to Illium, gateway to the Terminus Systems.

The Fenrir crew does NOT go to Haestrom, however, choosing to watch from afar as Harbinger wipes out the Dholen System completely. It should be noted that Tali, Reeger, and Legion, all die if you were a part of the Fenrir Crew. Instead, they head straight for Illium after detecting a strong Reaper signature in it’s air space.

When they arrive, they find Kai-Leng who was already scouting the city for clues. They trace the signature to a complex owned by Nassana Dantius, and infiltrate. Killing several Eclipse Mercs along, they reach Nassana and immediately question her connection to the Reapers. However, she’ll only explain in exchange for protection from an assassin. You have a choice here to agree to protect her, or demand intel first. The latter choice proceeds to have Thane kill her, granting you a new potential squadmate, or kill him for costing you intel. If you agree to protect Dantius, you will be forced to fight Thane and kill him anyway.

The Normandy Crew, on the other hand, traces the signature in the same way, and proceed to Dantius Towers as well. However, in the end, Thane would have already killed Nassana Dantius before they arrive. As they don’t have any quarrel with Thane, there is no fight between them. Instead, Thane assumes they were there for Nassana and freely gives them any relevant information that Nassana might’ve had. You can also recruit him if you wish.

Both Crews lead you to the same destination. Both Dantius and Thane relay that another Asari arrived on Illium. A justicar in fact. Having a Justicar on Illium is trouble since their complex code compels to kill the wicked and protect the pure. They go to the district where the Justicar is, and find her killing Eclipse Mercs who were, originally, working under Dantius to find and track down any potential killers that would be after her.
If you are on Team Normandy, the Justicar Samara will question what business you have in the area. A conversation will lead to her mentioning her search for her daughter, Morinth, an Ardat Yakshi or “Demon of the Night Winds”, who was spotted on world, and had come to kill her. While the group is repulsed by the notion of murdering your own child, Samara reaffirms her stance that Morinth must die. She will only agree to leave if she can find and kill Morinth, though because of Illium’s laws, she has agreed to remain in custody unless Shepard and company can find Morinth.
If you are on Team Fenrir, Samara will instead see that you are a part of Cerberus. A wicked organization, and attempt to kill you. You’ll either have to knock her out, or persuade her to stand down without violence via Paragon/Renegade choices. The latter will have her accepting custody as before with the request of finding Morinth.
In either case, after the meeting with Samara, you go into the other district to find Morinth instead of Wasea. During this confrontation, Morinth admits to being an Ardat Yakshi, but then she lies and tells the group that in reality, Samara was working under orders from the Shadow Broker to kill her, primarily because Morinth has the location of the Shadow Broker’s base of operations, and could leak it throughout the Milky Way. However, she had planned to use it as a means of blackmail in order to get favors from the Broker. Thus, the Shadow Broker wants to end Morinth immediately. Both groups figure that the Shadow Broker might have useful information on where the Reaper parts were sold off to.

Again, 2 things can happen. If Normandy, you will either decide to capture Morinth for Samara, or kill her outright, as the Normandy Crew cares more about the people of the port and Officer Anaya than Morinth. Both options force you into a confrontation that ends up getting her killed. Capturing her just has Samara killing her outright while she’s in bondage. Either option gives you the option of recruiting Samara to your side
On the Fenrir side, you can either capture her to be killed by Samara (leads to a fight with Morinth), or you let her join Cerberus temporarly in exchange for the Broker’s Base. After that, they leave.
On the Normandy Side, since they didn’t get Morinth’s location data for the Broker’s base (as the info died with her), Anaya suggests heading for Morinth’s apartment and seeing if the location data was on one of her computers. So… they do. When they reach Morinth’s apartment, they find the entire building on fire. The group races inside, hoping to find the apartment. In doing so, they scour the area. They then find several computers with OSDs plugged in, and they grab all of them. Before they could leave, however, they’re suddenly attacked by the strange arrival of the Blue Suns!
Aria T’Loak had a small unit with her as they attacked the apartment complexes. Why she was doing this was unknown, but the only thing that was clear was that they needed to escape as quickly as possible! They do so manage to escape without coming face to face with Aria herself, which makes her furious.
Back on the Normandy, Tali and Legion go through the OSDs while having some banter on the side, and uncover the location of the Shadow Broker’s lair on a giant airship above Illium. That’s their next destination.

The Fenrir Crew, on the other hand, won’t have to go to apartments if Morinth is on the team. Otherwise, they’ll go there and be met with Tela Vasir, a Spectre. Instead of the Blue Suns, they would have to deal with Eclipse Mercs. Tela Vasir would also not be an agent for the Shadow Broker, instead she will be more interested in trying to stop Cerberus, all the while mocking Shepard for being unfit to be a Spectre since he or she joined terrorists. After a series a of gunfights and a boss fight against Vasir, she’ll reaffirm her stance that Shepard had lost his way. Being a hero to the Citadel and the Human Race. But then he threw it all away to join Cerberus, equating him to Saren when he sided with the Geth. You have the option to spare her life or kill her. Sparing her will have her reappear in the 3rd game, hopefully under better circumstances.
Back on the Fenrir, Miranda and Mordin will decrypt the OSDs, finding the Shadow Broker’s Lair all the same.

Both crews storm the Shadow Broker’s Lair, with the only difference being on Fenrir’s side. If you recruited Morinth, Samara will have tracked you down to the Lair, and will attempt to kill you. After the fighting, you will have the option of sparing her or killing her outright, similarly to Tela Vasir. HOWEVER, if you take Morinth with you to the Lair, she will kill Samara automatically.
The fight against the Shadow Broker itself will play out similarly, with the difference being that Liara will NOT assume the role of Shadow Broker. They still find Feron here, and it is HE who assumes the role. That is if you allow it. Feron can be convinced to join the Normandy Crew instead, becoming a new squadmate (and possibly create some love triangle between Shepard and Liara if you care). Such an option is not present for the Fenrir Crew as Cerberus aggressively takes over the Airship, killing EVERYONE on board. Feron’s first initial action is to take over as Shadow Broker, thus he is eliminated. Shepard can try to advocate for Feron’s survival, but Ceberus will kill him anyway, citing that Feron knew too much already.

Afterward, both crews go through the Broker’s archives and find disturbing intel regarding the Reapers. As it turns out, Sovereign’s remains on the Citadel caused a few people to become indoctrinated, which was dangerous as the Citadel was in the middle of repairs after the attack. Thus, it was “convenient” that Aria became greedy. She did NOT, infact, demand Sovereigns wrecked parts, but it was instead offered to her, to which she agreed. The Council manipulated information to deny their intent, saved or otherwise. Anderson would be the only one to dissent to the choice, being one of the main factors of him resigning his council seat to Udina. As a result, however, people within the Terminus Systems became indoctrinated as well, being influenced to be more aggressive and willing to do anything for the Reaper’s return. Since much of the Terminus had a high population of Batarians, they were the main culprits behind the Alpha Relay incident. Using some of Sovereign’s parts, they were able to track Dark Energy readings from “Dark Space”, and programmed the Alpha Relay to link to it. In other words, Sovereign’s goal lived on in his thralls, to open a portal into Dark Space and unleash the Cycle of Genocide once more. However, only Harbinger broke through, but that’s all they needed.

That wasn’t all. As it turns out, several Eclipse Mercs were sleeper agents working from within STG, and information within STG uncovered something massive about Omega itself. That it was actually a massive Reaper Brain hidden within an Asteroid belt. This would explain why it is sometimes known as “the heart of evil”, and why so many are influenced to do evil within Omega Space. The fact that it’s a Reaper Brain was unknown to Aria, but her fierce protection of it had nothing to do with it’s resources, but rather incredibly subtle Indoctrination. The influx of Reaper Tech shipped to Omega worsened this, and turned most of the sleeper STG agents against one another. This is information that was already well known by The Illusive Man, and was why he was so interested in Omega. A Reaper Brain would be a strong signal booster to other Reapers, being a viable use of control. This was where Project Overlord comes in (if you didn’t save or kill David) or EDI. Using Omega, EDI or David could create a signal that would give Cerberus complete control of the Reapers if given the chance. The FENRIR crew would confront TIM about this info when the mission is completed.

Furthermore, the Broker had information about Haestrom and Horizon. The Sun on Haestrom had a hidden piece of Reaper Tech within the core, which is why Harbinger was draining the Sun. Horizon ALSO had Reaper Tech in the area. That is because these 2 particular pieces were connected to the Reaper Brain Omega, one acting as a control center (or chip) from the Sun, and another having the “correct” coordinates to Dark Space itself. By using Omega as it’s own signal booster, it can link into every Mass Relay in the Milky Way. Since the Mass Relays are Reaper Tech, they can be controlled remotely by Reapers to go to and from Dark Space, but are less powerful than the Citadel if trying to link to Dark Space. Harbinger likely hopes that by turning on every Relay to link to Dark Space, they would have enough power to pull in Reapers from every single direction, covering the entire Galaxy within seconds. Both crews wonder why Harbinger wouldn’t just try to retake the Citadel again, and theorize that the Citadel will be more heavily defended than before, and that Harbinger was wary of Sovereign’s destruction, thinking it best to try another solution than to risk it’s own demise. The Omega approach is easier as the Terminus Systems aren’t as united or as organized as Citadel Space, and it’s denizens would be none the wiser. They also find out that there is one more piece of Omega Reaper Tech to be found. An IFF that would allow only Reapers to have control of Omega, which can be found on Aeia in the Alpha Draconis System. A fact that Jacob isn’t fond of.

The Normandy crew would TRY to leave the Air Ship. However, they’re immediately attacked by the Blue Suns led by Aria and Vido. After the attack, the Normandy Crew is captured and taken to Zorya.
The Fenrir crew leaves the Airship, blows it up, and confronts TIM about his knowledge of Omega. He admits that he withheld this information as it might prompt some resistance in the team if they knew Omega was a Reaper Brain, mainly concerning Shepard and Jacob. Miranda demanded to know if Grayson knew about Omega before he died. It’s there that TIM reveals that Grayson actually faked his death. Working with a Turian, Nyreen Kandros, she worked with Cerberus in the hopes of removing Aria from power, as she sees Aria as nothing but a Tyrant who is heavy handed in her control, but unwilling to protect the civilians when they’re in danger. By aiding Grayson in faking his death, Aria could turn a blind eye and leave Omega exposed while she goes off chasing traitors and enemies, leaving incompetent captains in charge. That way, Grayson and Nyreen can take over Omega when Aria isn’t looking, securing all major ports for Cerberus. NOTE: Grayson ONLY survives in the Fenrir side. He’ll be dead on the Normandy Side. But with all of that in mind, the Fenrir group heads to Aeia to retrieve the IFF.

Once there, Jacob is uneasy about the place as it is the last known location of his Father’s ship, the Hugo Gernsback. It disappeared without a trace, and he assumed he had died. Jacob wanted to believe otherwise, but he never had the stomach to confirm his death. They do indeed find the Gernsback, and within, they discover logs from the crew that indicate that they found remnants of a large, metallic cuttlefish. Once there, many of the crew started acting weird. Acting violently to each other. Ronald Taylor, the Captain, abandoned the crew to their fate. As they head through the area, they have to deal with the Gernsback Crew as they’re fiercely protective of an area near the cost. As they head there, they find Ronald Taylor himself who managed to resist Indoctrination, but allowed his crew to kill themselves. Jacob confronts him, having a fierce argument about loyalty and whatnot, but Fenrir squadmates remind him that they have a mission to complete, and have no time for family drama. The cavern they were protecting housed Dragon Teeth and Husks. Deeper within, they find the Reaper IFF. Without this, Harbinger has no way of preventing other beings from utilizing Omega. Instead, Cerberus could use it to keep Harbinger and other enemies of Cerberus from being able to use Omega. After this, TIM decides that they have to immediately return to Omega and deal with this problem before Harbinger succeeds. What you do with Ronald Taylor is up to you. The choices are the same from the original.

As for the Normandy Crew, they’re trapped on Zorya, the world in which the Blue Suns were formed. There, Aria questions them, aggressively, and fueled by rage. How you respond to Aria will determine if she is an enemy or an ally for the final mission, but the idea is to relay to her exactly what Omega is. Aria is more concerned/pissed over the fact that Cerberus took over Omega after the indoctrinated mercs tried to kill her, and chased her off world. After explaining that the station itself was responsible for the betrayal, being a Reaper Brain and all, she doesn’t believe them. Paragon/Renegade dialog choices are the only way to get her to set you free, as they’re more about telling her that they are enemies of Cerberus and have no reason to side with them, or taunting her about how easily she lost Omega and is wasting time dealing with lowly small fries when she could be the “biggest badass” she claims to be and handle her business. Otherwise, you’ll have to fight your way out of Zorya, tearing a path through Blue Suns Mercs, and finding a shuttle back onto the Normandy.

There, Joker reports that Harbinger was already on Aeia, and it’s as good as confirmed that it has the IFF. The only thing the crew can do is rush to Omega.

So comes the final mission, that being Omega itself. Think the Omega DLC from ME3. Multiple differences are here.
For the Normandy Side, they are fighting primarily against Cerberus Troops. If you convinced Aria to join you, the Blue Suns will be there to fight alongside you. If not, you will have to fight both Cerberus AND Blue Suns. If Wrex is alive, he will have heard about this fight, and sends the Blood Pack to aid you. Grunt will also be present, hoping to enjoy the fight and prove his worth as a Krogan… or something.

On the Fenrir side, they’re fighting against all 3 Merc Groups in a bid to take over the station. Grayson leads you lead through most of the station, which also leads into finding Aria’s daughter, Liselle, who holds them all at gunpoint. Liselle had learned that Grayson was only with her to sabotage her mother, and claim Omega for Cerberus. Liselle also can’t believe that Nyreen would betray her. You have both a Paragon and Renegade interrupt where you can either shoot her, or prevent your squadmate from shooting her, allowing Liselle and Grayson to talk it out. You also get dialog options to convince Liselle that Omega is a Reaper brain, and must be controlled/destroyed. Liselle calms down and decides to help Grayson. Having Liselle around lets you scurt around Blue Suns areas and find an underground passage that leads to the Talon’s hideout, where you can meet Nyreen again. Liselle has a pissing contest with her, but eventually calms down when Nyreen mentions the safety of the citizens. That being said, she threatens Shepard and Grayson with execution if they double cross her and try to take control of Omega for Cerberus.
Otherwise, killing Liselle with take you through more Blue Suns.
Eventually, you reach Afterlife, and find an elevator leading up to the central control hub for Omega (similar to the Citadel Tower), and fight against Aria herself. If Liselle is dead, Nyreen will break off from helping Cerberus and join Aria for the fight, feeling that killing Aria’s daughter was a horrible thing to do, and will gladly aid Aria in her revenge. If Liselle is alive, Nyreen stays to the shadows. Liselle argues with Aria about the potential danger of Omega, being a Reaper Brain and all. Liselle talks about her concerns for how Omega was ran, how there was high crime and death every day, and that it being indoctrination likely had something to do with it. However, Aria argues that Omega is about freedom, and with freedom comes the need for power. If the people aren’t strong enough to survive, they deserve what’s coming to them. Liselle, horrified by what she hears, allows Shepard and Grayson to deal with her. After the fight, you have the choice of sparing Aria for the sake of Liselle. However, doing so only allows Nyreen to jump down and shoot her in the head, suggesting that it was the hardest thing for her to do. But for her, the people of Omega come first. Liselle tries to shoot Nyreen, but Grayson holds her back, explaining it was the only way. Nyreen then proposes to take over Omega and turn it around. However, after explaining that Omega is a Reaper Brain which endangers the citizenry, Nyreen then changes her mind. She notes that there is a self-destruct mechanism in central control that will give everyone at least 10 minutes to escape before detenation. However, TIM contacts the group and tells them that they can use the gathered components, and EDI/David to ensure that Omega doesn’t have to be destroyed. Nyreen can keep her Civilians safe without having to relocate so many of them. Omega can still prosper et all. Shepard and Grayson both knew that Cerberus would maintain control, but TIM “promises” that Nyreen will share governing power so long as Cerberus has overall control of the Reapers when that time comes. So, similar to the Suicide Mission, you have [Destroy] or [Save] as options. The former choice infuriates TIM, and gives you Ten minutes for the final battle, while Nyreen and Liselle organize a mass evacuation of the station. The latter doesn’t give you a timer, and makes the final boss easier. The final boss in question is the sudden appearance of Harbinger!
Harbinger latches onto the bottom of the station, similarly to how Sovereign latched onto Citadel Tower. In it’s position, Harbinger tries to take control of the entire station. One of Omega’s hackers manages to save the AA Turrets from being dominated, but they have to operated manually at different points. Having to take control of 15 AA cannons, you have to use them to target Harbinger’s eyes. You will have to constantly shoot red points on Harbinger to stop it from using it’s lasers, or else you start losing turrets. If you lose all 15 turrets, you fail the mission automatically.

The Normandy Side is more simplistic. Since Harbinger had already made it to Omega, it’s only a matter of time before Omega is firmly in it’s control. You won’t meet Liselle or Nyreen on this side. The difference is this time, KASH will take the place of Grayson when joining for the final battle in the Central Control Hub. There, they find the Reaper IFF, placed there by an indoctrinated person, and destroy it. This gives them access to Omega’s controls. But before they can do anything, Aria arrives and DEMANDS they get away from her controls. You can refuse to do so, initiating a fight that ends with Aria being dead, or you can freely give it up with a cheeky comment of not expecting gratitude. If you convinced Aria to side with you, she assumes control (pun intended) without question. Just then, TIM pops in, exposing Shepard’s plan to destroy Omega, much to Aria’s anger. However, TIM assauges her by suggesting that they use Omega to take control of Harbinger instead. At first, Aria thinks the idea ridiculous. But she calms down and starts getting ideas. With Harbinger under Omega control, no one would dare think to threaten Omega. She would have the ultimate deterrent in her grasp! KASH thinks it insane and begs Shepard to destroy Omega to stop Harbinger once and for all. However, Aria makes Shepard an offer to walk away and let her take control… or even join her. Seeing as Shepard is an outlaw themself. The Alliance nor the Council have his/her back anymore, relinquishing his Spectre status, and rendering him a fugitive. Omega is the home to Fugitives. Shepard would have a place in Omega and the Terminus systems, free of Citadel Space and the Council’s stained hands. S/He would live like a king/queen. So long as they recognize Aria as their superior. Again, you have the same options with a 3rd choice of joining Aria. Choosing destroy is followed by a warning by Aria. Reconfirming Destroy initiates a fight against Aria, killing her in the end. Choosing the other 2 options has you fighting against Kash in a last ditch effort to destroy Omega. After which, you still have to deal with Harbinger.

After beating it, if you chose Destroy, Shepard and company escape Omega, with it’s destruction catching Harbinger in the blast radius. If Control, the Omega Station will send out an EM wave that “assumes control” of Harbinger permanently. Though the hold on Harbinger is weak, and potentially won’t last long (unless you’re on the Fenrir side with David in control, then Harbinger is a permanent thrall of Cerberus).

However, the celebration doesn’t last as the Omega station had already connected to several relays before being shut off. As a result, 12 Reapers made it through, and are en route to wipe out all galactic life. Both the Normandy/Omega and Fenrir Crews vow to stop the Reapers here and now! And thus concludes Mass Effect 2: Code Omega.

I might continue and do one for 3, but 3 was such a shitshow in terms of it’s plot, I’d have to think up completely brand new scenarios. For one, I’d likely leave out the decision to cure the Genophage or not, as well as the Quarian/Geth Conflict as those 2 plots had little to nothing to do with the Reapers, and I believed that to be a massive disservice as the context of the game is that the Galaxy is facing a mass extinction event, and you’re too busy solving relatively petty conflicts. Key word “relatively”. I know people are extremely passionate about the Krogan and Quarian issues, but hey, Reapers are tearing ass in the galaxy, now’s not the time to be selfish dickheads. That’s just me. Besides that, ME3 made the grave mistake of leaning heavily towards one side of each argument, a GRAVE mistake imo (I probably didn’t do any better in this regard). I mean… it made Wrex seem a little shitty considering he basically took advantage of said mass extinction event to bargain for a Genophage cure, all the while there’s a reaper presence on Tuchanka, and we have no idea if it’s being handled. Plus… the Genophage was framed as a morally gray issue considering that the Krogans started a senseless revolt because they fuck like Rabbits and couldn’t handle having 7 planets. Unprovoked conquest is why they unleashed the Genophage. Turians and Salarians have every right to be concerned about a cure because… lets be real, Wrex and Eve are only 2 rational Krogan, they alone are not gonna be enough to reign in the damn Krogan. I don’t give a damn how charasmatic Wrex is, it’s unrealistic.
Hell, we’re not even gonna talk about how the Geth wiped out a good chunk of the Quarian population before they ran them off world? Or how they destroyed the Quarian’s Elder Archives which is a form of genocide? Or how they kill any Organics that enter their territory? REGARDLESS of intent? Yeah, fuck the Geth. Quarians were portrayed as an ostricized minority in the Milky Way, but lets treat them like the badguys for trying to control what they created. The big problem is that single characters are speaking for the entire race instead of being gateway characters into the culture and history of these Alien history. Liking Wrex shouldn’t exclude the Krogan from criticism. Liking Legion shouldn’t exclude the Geth from criticism (after all, Legion itself was literally HIDING information from Shepard up until certain points. That’s not something I would trust). So no. Those 2 story aspects, I would strip out of the game completely. Instead of having it where the main story takes the side of one faction over the other in some juvenile attempt to frame one as the “wrong” side over the other when in the prior games, we were free to make up our own damn minds about these issues. Choosing sides was fine as these sides were contained in much smaller, petty issues like preserving some data or resolving a spat between crew members. The goal should’ve been to unite the galaxy IN SPITE of these issues. Let the problems continue to exist, but find another means of uniting the Galaxy. Not turning into Santa Claus and giving everyone what they want before they join in an effort to PREVENT A MASS EXTINCTION EVENT! “MASS EXTINCTION EVENT!” I don’t blame Udina for trying to seize power, he’s right! “They’re a bunch of self-concerned jackasses!” This galaxy doesn’t deserve to outlive extinction because they’re so hung up on their baggage to care about a MASS EXTINCTION EVENT! Admiral Hackett can go fuck himself! “I can’t believe it! Curing the Genophage!? I never thought I’d see the day!” WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE!? That just means more competition for control of the Milky Way, and a potential threat to Earth if the Reapers lose! You’re supposed to be military, you’re supposed to look at this and see how it affects humans, not getting all misty eyed over a problem that didn’t affect you. Mother fucker was acting like the Genophage was something that messed up his life. That tells you just how terrible ME3’s story was. ME1 and ME2 were basically DC cartoons while ME3 was an MCU trash heep. Still more fun to “play” than ME2 ever could be, but eh.

I’m rambling. Point is I honestly don’t know how I would do ME3 with the scenarios I made up. My only concern was doing something differently about ME2. I absolutely despised the premise, having Shepard die and then be brought back to join Cerberus was not how I wanted ME2 to play out. It felt wrong, out of place, and was a cheap excuse to get me away from the characters I had spent hours building connections to. All so I can put up with a bunch of ASSHOLES I care nothing for, are blackholes of charisma, and aren’t compelling at all as far as people go for me to care about anything they go through. ME2 took out the semblance of “discovery” and uncovering facts about the universe you exist in… to just caring about individual personal problems of a few select people that you may or may not give a fuck about. ME2 and ME3 feels less like being immersed in an intricate and unique universe, and more like fighting against the jackasses that force you to endure characters that the jackasses themselves like and think are awesome. I don’t like Aria T’Loak. I don’t want to have to deal with her at all, but the game forces her on you, and you’re not allowed to give her a swift kick in the ass. I can at least kill Miranda, Jack, Jacob, and Garrus Quipkarian (no, I HATE what they did to his personality in 2 and 3), but that bitch Aria is allowed to walk all over you, and you can’t do shit about it. You have NO dialog options to tell her to get her head out of her ass, meaning that she’s a personal favorite character of the devs. The very definition of a Mary Sue. Kicking her haughty ass off Omega was the best thing Cerberus ever did! Is it ANY wonder I have her as the semi-final boss?

SHIT! I’m rambling again! What I wanted to do was have a plot that actually involved the Reapers, and not some bug catching shit where you’re FORCED to recruit people you hate for a mission that should be impossible for them (Why the fuck would JACK be considered for a mission to save humanity when she’s mentally unstable, Juvenile, immature, and hates Cerberus!? The fuck were they thinking with these characters?!). Also, having branching scenarios based on your decisions from the first game as well as a couple in the beginning of 2 would’ve been nice. Like… why in the hell WOULD a Paragon Shepard who fought Cerberus in the past… just join with Cerberus now? I’m convinced that Shepard’s death was a contrivance to get Shepard to join some badguys for the plot to go the way it did, only for absolutely NOTHING to get resolved with previous characters until the next game felt like a waste of time. I also hated how you are constantly bombarded with all your prior associates being able to move on and advance with their careers while you got held back and saddled with terrorists a demotions. It’s like… oh what did GCN say?

Exactly. While my idea doesn’t exactly get away from that, I’d like to think the way I handled it is better without having Shepard die, and then get put under house arrest arbitrarily. And by the end of it, the characters will already be in a position to fight the reapers without politics or beauracracies getting in the way.

But most importantly, I wanted at least a few of these choices to feel as though they MATTERED, not merely as rewards but a simple sense of cause and effect. Depending on the decisions you make, this is the path you take. You wouldn’t necessarily be rewarded or punished based on those decisions, and the course of the story would actually change depending on those choices, not just some minor differences that are treated as easter egg cameos and shit.

Filler (Knuckles)

You feelin it? 😛

Bare wit me folks, I’m working on something atm.

Cause it’s lookin pretty ass so far.

The stiff animation, the lack of speed, the Zelda-esq enemies and design, idk about this. You’d think the budget would extend beyond the textures.

Goddamn, it looks PAINFULLY SLOW! I never thought I’d say this, but hell, even Rise of Lyric looks better than this! And what’s this little…. Nintendo DS… Kirby’s Canvas Curse Stylus shit where he wraps around the enemies? On paper, it’s not a bad concept, but… idk, it just seems gimmicky. The combat is more of a puzzle than…. oh amma, they literally are ripping off Zelda!

hahahahahahaha

…. On the other hand, this looks a bit better! It could still stand for a bit of a speed boost (yeah yeah, there’s a literal boost button), but general…. “exploration” looks fine. I can see it being easy as hell to get lost while looking for a goal or whatever seeing as it’s an “open zone” instead of an open world.

*6:35*

THERE’S THE SHIT THAT KILLS AN ERECTION!

Ugh, they just had to include puzzles, didn’t they? Just couldn’t be sacred, now could it? I thought we learned that lesson from the terror of Sonic’s Lost Mind, or even S4E1! Just when it was starting to look alright.

Did anyone want puzzles in their Sonic games? Was that even a thought that crossed anyone’s mind?

First Ian Flynn, and now puzzles! They’re just trying to piss me off now!

Graphically, it looks nice for being nothing but a tech demo of Kingdom Valley BK edition, but the new shit with the combat, Canvas Curse Gimmick, and the fucking puzzles… it’s lost me that fast.

You have cast a spell of boredom upon me!

Lets be clear on one thing regarding this… “movie”. I had zero interest in watching it or anything MCU related for the foreseeable future. The last… “thing” I ever watched was Wandavision, and after that unbelievable shitstain of a series, I was determined to never invest any time in the MCU ever again, especially after the amount of shilling Iron Man has gotten after being shoehorned as the main character of this franchise from Age of Ultron going forward.

But then… there’s my sister.

We have this… really stupid thing where we make “bets” on whether or not I am forced to sit through any of the horseshit she’s interested in. You see, since I’m an “unpleasable, negative dipshit” who just “hates everything” and has unbelievably low expectations regarding modern entertainment, she decides to, in some effort to spite me, be optimistic for everything that comes out in order to balance out my negativity. However, just because I liked Detective Pikachu (Please do not ask me why as I’m aware the internet hates this movie), she believes that I should give more films a chance as it is possible I may end up enjoying them. Gleefully, I tell her to piss off and let me hate shit, but because my ego is as massive as my dende, I decided to indulge her madness with a little wager. If she can defeat me in fighting game matches of whichever she delights in, then I’ll stomach whatever virus she chooses to inject me with. So far, I’ve managed to avoid Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Loki, Hawkeye, Shang Chi, Aquaman, Wonder Woman with the Cheetah girl, Spider-Fan 2 and 3 (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) and most recently, Sonic Shitshow 2.

Unfortunately, she has bested me into watching Space Jam 2, Tomb Raider (That reboot one), Shazam (Yeah yeah, I know I ended up liking this one), The Batman (likewise), Uncharted (UGGGGGH!!), and most recently… this piece of fuck film titled “Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness”.

This movie was a special treat for her because, more so than I, she is a MASSIVE fan of X-Men, so the opportunity to see Xavier make his “triumphant MCU appearance”, complete with 90s Saban chair and theme music, was enough for her to salivate over, and she wanted to enjoy the… “moment” with an increasingly disinterested X-Men fan (if only because Disney will rape the X-Men). While she isn’t against the X-Men movies (fuck, she’s kinder to them than even I am!), she is also one of those folks who wants more bombastic and fantastical action set pieces where the characters aren’t just mindlessly throwing powers around in a more grounded world, and hopefully having Wolverine fight the Hulk. coughs sorry, that last part was my wishful thinking.

Regardless, you can all imagine my utter… fucking… ELATION… upon seeing her devastation when Xavier was KILLED OFF in the most disrespectful, unearned, and completely WASTED manner that begs the question of WHY Disney wasted the time and money to cast one of Hollywood’s most beloved scifi talents, going out of their way to construct his 90s cartoon wheelchair, if all they were going to do with him was keep him around as a 5 minute cameo… and then kill him off.

OHHHHHHHHHH MAN! Y’all should’ve seen the “pissed off” in her face! She literally walked out of the room, that scene had her fucked up! Could you imagine if she actually paid money to see this shit!? Say it with me, gais!

TIME HEALS MORE THAN REASON!

She is officially DONE with the MCU, and I couldn’t be more proud! ROUND OF APPLAUSE AS SHE HAS JOINED MY INNER CIRCLE OF PESSIMISTIC ASSHOLES WHO HATE EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN!!! Soon, I await the Sonic Shitshow lovers when Paramount inevitably ruins the SA2 Storyline that so many hold dear! And my brand of cynicism will become a blight upon the multiverse!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*sighs* I think I’ve literally gone insane!

Anywho, this… “movie” deserves no real intro because it truly is a piece of shit. No one will argue in favor of it, not even my sister who is now devastated and fearful for the future of X-Men (hahahaha), so without further adeu, lez git on wit it!

The shit film begins with 2 characters running to what I figure is the center of the universe. You have a version of Strange who (from what I’ve heard) is associated with the Defenders, a group of jackhole heroes composed of Strange himself, Hulk, Silver Surfer, and Namor the Submariner. They… don’t really work out as a long term team mainly because they have wildly varying perspectives that put them at odds with each other (especially given that Namor is one of the biggest assholes in the Marvel Universe, and Hulk is… well, Hulk). This distinction doesn’t matter because the defenders aren’t really referenced in the movie, nor are they important to the plot. Even if they were, considering what happens at the halfway point, I think fans would be even more pissed if Scarlet Witch kills Silver Surfer.

Anywho, traversing the verse with him is America Chavez, yet another of those goddamn Young Avengers, and I’m beyond irritated that all the MCU Stans and Shills, with their theory culture horse shit, have yet to come to the conclusion that a lot of this bullshit Disney keeps pumping out is leading up to some multicultural Young Avengers team. You had Stature in the Ant Man movies and Endgame (Cassie Lang), you had Patriot (remember him from that Endgame review?) in that Falcon and Winter Soldier show (the one that apparently had fucking BATTLESTAR killed off? Fuck that show if true), apparently Kang the conqueror was in Loki so lets cram Iron Lad in there, there’s girl Hawkeye in “Hawkeye”, and now we have this bitch! I honestly know very little about Chavez aside from people bitching about her having a great ass… and her having a little more melanin in the comics. I barely kept up with anything Marvel related after Civil War and One More Day (that’s waaaaay back in 2007), so she’s not someone I’m familiar with. I don’t even know what her powers are, so I guess I can consider this an unfortunate crash course.

So her power is… traveling through dimensions? Well, Movie Chavez makes Blink and Magik look like jokes if she can just pull this off at will! Blink can only go as far as the moon, and Magik can go into Limbo where Belasco pulls off random Kano fatalities if he can’t have the bitch!

Anywho, they’re running from a demon who looks like a burnt up Shuma Gorath with a mouth, and they’re trying to get to the Book of the Vishanti, one of Dr. Strange’s most PRIZED tomes of magic! It’s not clear as to why they need the book though, the demon chasing them looks no more powerful than that squid fuck from GOTG2. Anywho, after getting to the book (iirc), the demon catches up to the 2, forcing Defender(?) Strange to hold him back by some containment spell. Then he tries to kill Chavez and absorb her… power? Something something to make this version of Strange look like a supreme dickhead, but fails as Defender Strange is stabbed by the demon. The demon then snags Chavez and tries to suck her dry. She randomly opens a star portal, Defender Strange cuts her loose, and she’s whisked away into the MCUverse.

But then… MCU Strange (or as I like to call him, “Magic Stark“) wakes up in an attempt to fool the audience into thinking that was simply a dream sequence. What happens next is that Magic Stark goes to the wedding of his nurse friend, Christine (I thought her name was Rachael! That shows how little of a fuck I gave about her character!). And here, we’re supposed to feel sad over this because “wow, Christine moved on with her life and got hitched!” Nevermind how Magic Stark completely blew her off in the first movie (can’t believe it takes 6 fucking years to get a crappy sequel) as a person who was “barely” his lover, now he’s sad that she didn’t give him the ass in the end. This scene is supposed to be the most important aspect of the movie, btw, as it constantly calls back to Magic Stark’s relationship with Christine. We’re really hammering it in that this version of Strange is just Iron Man all over again. Wasn’t that a thing he was going through during Civil War? This break up with a character who was just as annoying, and nowhere near as compelling as…. any other love interest in a super hero movie? Honestly, with how woke these movies have gotten, they’ve yet to fix the issue of boring, shitty love interests. If I’ve missed anything about this “romance” in the last dozen awful MCU films or those godawful tv shows I couldn’t give 2 fifths of a damn about how this develops Magic Stark into a better character. But because of this, the central theme of the movie is “not being happy with your current life”. Cause… you know, happiness comes exclusively from between someone’s legs.

There’s been a big problem with this franchise outside of it’s over reliance on the Bathos writing style, or over reliance on comedy to acclimate a bunch of dumb fucks into liking the movie, that’s been bugging me as of late. That being that the MCU is filled to the brim with non-heroes who are purely motivated by self-interest.

Being actual “heroes” who are selfless and considerate of other, lesser beings who cannot defend themselves, and doing everything they can to make sure no one else would be brought to harm ever again. This is why the MCU version of Spider-Fan is the absolute worst version of Spider-Man, and I will NEVER give a single fuck as to any counter arguments that people can shit out to the contrary! So far, the only characters that could be considered “Heroes” to any degree are Pre-Phase 3 Captain America, and maybe Ant Man. Captain America has been purely motivated by the desire to help other people since the beginning stages of World War 2, and this did not get stripped from him until Civil War where his only motivation was in saving Bucky from the wrath of Iron Man and the World Police, and then culminating in a twist ending that completely fucked his character as he literally abandons his friends and newly gained love interest, Sharon Carter, to pursue a woman he had just finished grieving over a couple of years prior. While Ant Man started off as a career criminal who was only interested in seeing his daughter, I can safely say that he isn’t in this super hero gig for the sake of his own petty desires. Infact, I’ve never gotten the impression that he cares about his own personal well being, living standards, or status. He just… genuinely does things for other people regardless of the consequences to himself, not to mention being the one who came up with the plan to restore the universe in Endgame when other, more overrated characters (LIKE IRON MAN) were practically unwilling to go through with the plan if it meant losing the very things that made them happy! Of course that piece of shit movie gave him his contrived sacrifice/Easter egg when he spent most of the movie taking the piss… *calms down*. I… *groans*… guess Star Lord counts at the end of the first GOTG, having to convince the others to fight a fight that isn’t really their responsibility… *cuts self*
Every other character is so hung up on the chaos of their personal, shitty lives that everything that happens to them is conveniently wrapped up in plots that just so happen to involve saving other people’s lives. This is why the Sam Raimi trilogy, Mark Webb films, and even the new Batman movie kick ass! The characters didn’t strictly operate on self-interest, and that was a source of conflict for all the Spider-Man movies up until the overrated, unworthy shitstain Spider-Fan. Balancing a life of self-interest versus an obligation to do the right thing even at the cost of things you want the most. Sacrificing happiness to save lives.

This movie could’ve actually done something with this theme, but it is hampered by a movie studio who couldn’t give a fraction of a fuck about anything unrelated to fanservice cameos. Why? Well, it certainly has nothing to do with it not being done well! But we’ll get to why at the end of it. All that said, seeing Doctor Strange/Magic Stark completely focused on saving the world is…. wildly refreshing.

So after the reception, we have an invisible enemy attacking the city. So… Magic Stark decides to not give a fuck about his own secret identity, flies out of a window with his sentient cloak of levitation, and transforms in mid-flight! I guess that’s ok, why should a magician give a fuck about who knows him? And he goes down to deal with the noise complaints. He weaves a spell to unveil… MOTHER FUCKING SHUMA GO-oh wait, he has a different name in this movie. “Gargantos”!? Who the fuck is that!? I legit have never heard of this guy, and I’m almost certain that Disney renamed him so that there wouldn’t be any fanboy outrage over how underpowered and INSULTED he is in the film! Anywho, the powerful Lord of Chaos is reduced just being some random Kaiju who throws around objects and tries to play happy slaps with Magic Stark. During this skirmish, once again, Magic Stark, nor Wong, decide NOT to call out their attacks. I know it’s rather petty at this point, but since the MCU is so ridiculous and retarded in all it’s splendor… AT LEAST GIVE US THE ANIME SHIT!

Doctor Strange calls out his fucking spells, man! “Spell of the Vishanti/Viscant! Bolts of Balthakk! Flames of the Faltine! Thy Multiplcities dinctim (can’t remember the name). Omnipotent Oshturr, Empower my Amulet! I call down the rain of Ragadorr! I Summon the Seven Rings of Ragadorr! By the light of Agamotto, disperse Dormmamu’s Magic! Vapors of Balto(?), hold him back! I call upon the energy of the 12 moons of Munipal(?)!” You know, some shit that FEELS authentic (and hype as all fuck), and not just some guy doing random shit to show off cheap looking special effects! Even Harry Potter got that shit right! And the best he can do is… random cat head. Random demon hands. Random light chain saw. Is this magic, or is this Green Lantern?

Conveniently enough, Chavez is also in the middle of the attacks, so they save her ass, Magic Stark creates a spear and plucks out Gorath’s eyeball, killing him instantly (if this were Shuma Gorath, he wouldn’t go out like a bitch).

So, as a thank you, Chavez randomly decides that it’s a good idea… to STEAL his Sling ring! Hmm, maybe Trump had a point about that wall. Why does Magic Stark get his sling ring stolen so often? Matter of fact, why DOES he need a Sling Ring? This guy is (supposed to be) powerful enough to open portals to other areas on his own! What is this plot device bullshit? I mean he LITERALLY teleports in front of Chavez without the damned ring to stop her from running away!

“Look kid, I just saved your ass!”

*sighs*

You know, it’s a wonder that Thor was allowed to talk the way he does in the movies, because Kevin Fuckwit and the rest of the Disney studios seem intent on just giving every character the same trite lines of dialog that makes them all too similar to more generic asshole heroes. Doctor Strange is supposed to have a more proper, eccentric speech! Instead, he talks no differently than some typical action hero with a horrible disposition! Instead of “HOLY SHIT!”, he should go “BY THE HORY HOSTS OF HOGGOTH!” This shit right here is proof positive why the ditko estate needs to win that case.

So these assholes go to a restaurant and… hold up! Did they just mention that Wong is the Sorcerer Supreme!?

What the fuck!?

WHAT THE FUCK!?

NO NO! It was explained in Spider-Fan 3 that Magic Stark was gone for 5 years, so Wong had to take Magic Stark’s place as the Sorcerer Supreme of Earth! Remember!? The snap!?

…. and Magic Stark doesn’t get his title back… why?

Well uh… woke… Asian representation… China…

Piss off, movie!

Speaking of which, they have some cringe jokes about Spider-Fan because we just have to acknowledge the most overrated piece of shit to come out of Hollywood since the Dark Knight, but also to establish some precedent about Magic Stark knowing about the Multiverse… when the rest of the movie will show otherwise that he knows nothing about it… because he’s just that damn stupid all of a sudden. Chavez explains that she warped here by accident after being chased by a demon in the center of the multiverse. As proof, she shows them the dead body of Defender Strange. The only thing Magic Stark seems to note about him is that he has a pony tail. Is it any wonder why I despise the MCU when they force comedy like this?

After some more conversing, Magic Stark and Wong both figure that the multiverse is in deep shit. Still, Magic Stark is kind of a n00b to the Multiverse since the most experience he has from it was an overrated cash grab, he decides to consult Scarlet Tits.

…Shit…

Oh wait, that’s no longer a thing since she decided to cover up. I is sad now.

Anywho, MS finds Scarlet Bitch randomly walking around a forest, and they have a brief talk about the horrible writing behind Wandavision, with MS talking about how she did good in the end. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, a lot of reviewers mentioned how SHITTY this line was because nothing good actually came out of that show. The fact that she literally enslaved a town and mind forced people to act out tv shows or be destroyed is literally crossing too many boundaries to be considered good work, but because Disney is now filled to the brim with a bunch of pussies who don’t like long term consequences, that shit was hand waved as being the manipulations of Agatha Harkness, someone who ISN’T supposed to be Scarlet Witch’s enemy but her MENTOR (and isn’t supposed to be de-aged, but they didn’t give a fuck about Aunt May either, Disney is extremely ageist and has something against elderly women. Can’t wait for Mada’am Webb played by Kate Upton), but whatever. MS wants her advise on how to keep Chavez safe from demons. However… Scarlet Bitch reveals that it was she who sent the demon to catch and kill Chavez.

……. Lets talk about this.

A lot of reviewers had a problem with this scene in general because MS “didn’t suspect Scarlet Bitch of being responsible for the attacks”… but in his defense, he doesn’t really have much reason to. For the most part, when she had a semblance of sex appeal, she was more heroic than most crazy people. Being a part of the Avengers and fighting against Ultron in a last ditch effort to save Sokovia, and Thanos in the end to save the Universe (which he was present for). The only part that gets tricky is Wandavision itself which.. honestly has such shit writing that, while she’s being “manipulated” by Harkness, Bitch herself doesn’t exactly come off as being out of control, what with her threatening tone to that… idk, Shield offshoot group, haphazard expulsion of Monica from her perfect little bubble, and even the flashback with her fucking up scientists for trying to recreate Vision in a lab (Or was that a camera trick? Fuck, I try not to remember that shit.) The problem with that show is that Bitch’s actions were handwaved away as the actions of Harkness, so the full blame could no longer be put on Bitch. It’s stupid, it’s beyond retarded, and for some reason, the writers were afraid of making her a full fledged villain, and they fucked up the House of M story Arc, but that being said, BECAUSE of the bullshit handwave, MS doesn’t have any concrete reason to suspect Bitch of ever having summoned 2 demons (Shuma Gorath controlled by this bitch!? Yeah, i’d rename the characters too just to avoid the expected OUTRAGE!) to go after a child. I mean hell! Bitch has NEVER summoned demons before!

That being said, I can see where they’re coming from. If MS has that kind of knowledge of what goes on in his realm, he should also know that Bitch came into possession of the Darkhold by the end of that series, which would make her dependent upon the deepest, darkest magic of one of Marvel’s most overpowered demons, Mother Fuckin Chthon! BLADE, HOUSE OF CHTHON!!! What? No? It’s just a book that corrupts people with eyeballs and shit? Oh alright. But again, it’s true he should’ve had more caution considering what she has. But even then, this isn’t like Joel from LOU2 where he’s surrounded by complete strangers and spills all the beans, this is a person he actually has some knowledge on, and has seen her quote “good deeds” in the past, so it’s understandable why he let his guard down. I think people were more concerned about his character being dumbed down in the movie (a fair point), and actually failed to grasp any other factors for why beyond executive wokeness. But then again, I’ve been disengaged from the MCU for good reason, so let me zip my lips.

Anywho, she takes him into the Shadow Realm or… whatever, and bitches about how it’s unfair for him to use magic and be considered a hero, while she uses magic and is considered a villain. Which is quite silly because… you know, SHE ENSLAVED AN ENTIRE TOWN while MS used magic to save lives time and again. Even giving up the Time Gem to save Iron Fuck’s life (which I’m still, totally blaming on Tony, btw), and pulled in heroes to fight Thanos. Bitch has been more villain than he at this point, so yeah. Eitherway, she speaks of her plan to find a universe where her kids exist, and take them for herself. Because the brats she made up are gone, but she figures she can find them in another universe.

What? You mean she’s looking for her own fake kids in another universe? Fuck, I don’t know. I think my version works better since it makes sense. “If I can’t have my own kids, I’ll steal them from another version of myself!” I mean… I could’ve sworn that was the plot rather than the kids that she willingly sacrificed and disintegrated at the end of WandaVision to save the town… I think. Wiccan probably developed mutant abilities and saved himself and his brother or some dumb shit, idk. It’s all set up for Young Avengers.

Also, who made the comparisons between them in the MCU for her to be bitter about this notion? Maybe she’s just self-conscious? I mean… she’s about to kill a KID for fucks sake!

So… MS gets away from her (I guess she isn’t too concerned about him becoming a threat in the future), and returns to Kamurtach to worn the other wizards of Scarlet Bitch’s impending attack. Furious at the covering of her fabulous rack, she’s going to kill EVERYONE!!! So she arrives, MS flies up to her and tells her to stop being so uncool about some kids she made up while she was on her period, and Bitch tells him to fuck off because he gave the Time Gem to Thanos in order to save Iron Fuck’s life at the cost of his own. (she’s got a point there :P) So she attacks and completely decimates all the sorcerers of Kamurtach, not with magic, but with regular Ki Blasts from Dragon Ball. Look, I get it. Scarlet Bitch is OP… but no one bothers using any sort of REAL MAGIC to combat her!? She wipes her ass with the entire Lantern Corps-… I mean Sorcerers… without so much as a SNEEZE!

This is where we have problems with Bitch’s display of power as it requires everyone else to be nerfed! Look, there’s already precedent for her in the comics for why she’s so comically OP, but to just waltz right and steamroll every sorcerer in existence with a single whisper and some ki blasts, while these mages do absolute jack shit in response… fuck! This could’ve been one hell of a fight with all sorts of spells and magics being conjured to do battle against the wicked bitch of the east, but no! Leave it to American Hollywood, Disney, Kevin fucknob, and anyone else, to completely BOTCH raw potential right here! Sam Raimi, you have my condolences for twice now having your movies FUCKED by jerk off studios who don’t understand potential for anything other than the pocketbook! This is horseshit! There is no reason for Bitch to have no struggle at against an army of warlocks who sit around with a dumb barrier, and is easily broken up by ONE of those idiots being mind fucked into running away and breaking everyone’s concentration! This scene is absolute dogshit!

AGAIN, THE ANIMATED MOVIE DID THIS SO MUCH BETTER! Other sorcerers fighting against demons use plenty of killer magic shits to fight them, whether it be from containment spells, elemental mastery, or otherwise! They didn’t go out like a bunch of pussies! Hell, Kaecillius in the last movie with his Dark Dimension flunkies used more kick ass magic than these idiots! You’d think from a studio that produced shit like Fantasia, Snow White, Aladdin, and all this other magical princess bullshit back in the day, they would have a little more imagination than this! Come on! Magical super heroes!? This should’ve been a slam dunk for a company who’s made movies about magical fairy tale stuff for years! You should NOT be getting outdone by some kids in graduation robes armed with wooden sticks and fucking brooms!

So then she gets into the temple or w/e, MS is the only one who bothers using actual magic, but the most he does is trap her in that dumb ass mirror dimension. Now… here’s a point toward the “Magic Stark is an idiot” camp. You trap the bitch in the Mirror Dimension… but these fucking idiots (MS and Wong) keep Chavez with them… but they DON’T EVEN BOTHER TO ESCAPE! Yeah, that’s smart! That crazy bitch is after Chavez, but we don’t bother trying to get her away from said crazy bitch because… the plot has to progress a certain way. Anywho, Bitch escapes from the mirror in some weird… horror movie manner, and she just knocks MS and Wong away with a flick of her wrist. Cue the rage from the Anti-Wokes on Youtube. But somehow, because of X-Men induced stress, Chavez uses Star Power and warps herself and MS into universe… uh… 838? Stans refer to this as the “illuminati” dimension, so sure, lets go with that. In this world, Chavez decides to steal a hotdog and lie to MS by saying food is free in this universe before Bruce Campbell does his obligatory Sam Raimi cameo and bitches her out for justifying the need to build the Wall once again. Afterwards, they find… get this… MEMORY PANELS! So that they can have a weirdly contrived way of giving you backstories without the need to write actual dialog, because actual flashback sequences are… too hard for studios these days. Chavez’s backstory is that she accidently whisked her 2 lesbian mothers (oy) away into another dimension because… Chavez got scared of a bee.

This movie is so stupid. Hell, maybe it’s for the best. If the girl is this damn prone to petty theft, them 2 bitches were obviously a terrible influence on her.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
“DIRTY HOMOPHOBE!!”

Yes! Feed me your hostility! Pierce me with your hatred! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Continuing on, MS and Chavez eventually find a statue dedicated to… “Illuminati Strange” (Or I-Strange… sounds like a damn Apple Product…. “Ill Strange!”… no, that sounds like a shitty rapper… fuck it, Ill Strange it is.) Apparently, Ill Strange died in a battle against Thanos. Would’ve been a more epic finale than Iron Fuck doing the sacrifice. But then… Iron Fuck would still be alive so I’ll take a win where I can get it. It’s here that Ill Mordo comes out and introduces himself-… HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!!!

Wasn’t Mordo teased as a future villain in the after credits of the first Strange film where he was going around killing Sorcerers because he lost his faith in the goodness of magic or w/e because the Caucasian Ancient One used the powers of the Dark Dimension to be as strong as she needed be, and became disillusioned with the idea of people having magic because it would likely lead to them all becoming corrupted by magic thus spurring his one man crusade to kill off sorcerers to prevent said corruption from taking place?

You see what happens when you drag shit out for millions of years!? You totally forget shit like that! And talk about missed opportunities, holy fucking ass balls shit! If you REALLY wanted to drive home this “Scarlet Bitch is innocent” crap, you could LITERALLY have Mordo see her as a pure example of why having so many sorcerers is a totally shit idea, and have him squared off on his goal to KILL HER at all costs, while Strange would be like “NO! THERE’S ANOTHER WAY” and shit like that, have them with a conflict on this level! But NOPE! Poo poo good ideas, this Mordo is here for obligatory series appearance, but is not MCU version of Mordo. So poo poo to good ideas again!

Ill-Mordo pretends to be MS’s friend here and lures him inside the Ill-Sanctum, tells him a cheap story about how he died, then MS tells Ill-Mordo about the psycho witch Scarlet Bitch who’s coming to kill everyone. But then… Ill-Mordo drugs MS and Chavez for no reason and locks them both up. Because Mordo is supposed to be evil, get it!?

Back to the crazy bitch, she uses the Darkhold to try and… “dreamwalk” into an alternate universe version of herself… fuck, just typing that makes my head spin! Hey! Dreamwalking! Sounds like they’ve used villains like Nightmare or Dream Queen! Oh man! So many missed opportunities!

One of the sorcerers manages to snag the Darkhold and destroy it, killing herself in the progress. At first, I thought “THIS IS BULLSHIT! It shouldn’t be that damn easy to destroy something Chthon created!” But then the movie states it was a fake. And… I’d like to call bullshit! Why the fuck would there be COPIES of the Darkhold, one of the most dangerous tomes in all of Marvel!? The only reason I could think of was to give people a false tome with shitty spells that do jack shit for anyone, but… no, apparently, it has enough shit to make both Harkness and Bitch OP as fuck! Don’t you think making COPIES of the Darkhold would put the entire fucking multiverse in Jeopardy!? So many Sorcerers/Witches having their own copy of the Darkhold would create an army of Darkholders! ….. Heeeeeey….

Also, the movie and it’s retarded supporters try to excuse Scarlet Bitch’s evil ways by saying she was merely corrupted by the Darkhold. But… if the Darkhold is a fake… huh!? HUH!? Got any excuse for that!? Can we just say the writers are just making shit up as they go!? It’s just an excuse to have a change of scenery so they can go to Wundagore for some cheap easter eggs.

For those not up to speed, Scarlet Witch and the Darkhold shit is all tied to a being known as “Chthon”. You might’ve heard the name when watching a show called “Blade” on Spike TV, but the show had little to no relation to that character, and was just a fancy title for an otherwise decent show that was unfortunately cancelled after one season because no one could get over the fact that Sticky Fingas was not Wesley Snipes. But back to Chthon, he is actually an Elder God of an alternate Earth iirc. He and several other elder gods were created by a being known as the Demiurge. These elder gods include Oshturr and Gaea, but Chthon was a really nasty shitbird. He created the Darkhold for 2 reasons, to be a collection of all the knowledge of dark magic that Chthon had acquired, and to act as a catalyst for his “return” so to speak. Basically, it works like Soul Edge. Whoever touches it can become easily possessed by Chthon to act in a manner that compels the possessed to try and bring Chthon into the world. Now in this piece of shit movie, Scarlet Bitch and Wong go to Mt Wundagore, which is directly tied to Wanda and Chthon. Now I don’t know how it happened, but Chthon’s soul or essence was trapped in Mt. Wundagore. But for those unfamiliar with X-Men lore, we know that in this place, Magneto bumped uglies with some random lady friend, and had a daughter named Anya (probably that little girl from X-Men Apocalypse). When Anya was killed, Magneto went HAM on everyone in the area, scaring the shit out of lady friend, so she ran away from him to Mt. Wundagore. There, she gives birth to Wanda and Pietro. Chthon’s spirit picked up on this and… I guess got imprinted onto Wanda as an infant, thus making her overpowered as fuck shit. Housing the power of an Elder God, and being a mutant, is a recipe for disaster. It also explains why she’s a total Schizo and goes rip shit insane several times. So in all honesty, Scarlet Bitch’s absurd power scaling in this crapfest movie that everyone blames on M-She-U logic, I’m sorry to say, that shit is unfortunately canon to the source material.

HOWEVER…

The PROBLEM, however, is that this inconsistent ass franchise establishes a different origin for Scarlet’s powers. They came from the Mind Gem as the result of experimentation by Hydra (how the fuck the Mind Gem even gives you super speed or probability manipulation powers, we will never know, but fuck it, logic is NOT the MCU’s strong point), meaning her powers are tied to a gem, not the spirit of a shit strong Elder God. So on that note, Scarlet Bitch’s absurd power scaling in this crapfest movie that everyone blames on M-She-U logic, you might actually be right!

Why the fuck would Disney wait this long to want to be accurate to the source material (at surface value, at least), I will never know, but it breaks the established continuity thus far. As a result of her limited abilities, there is no fucking way in hell she should be that damn powerful even with the Darkhold, at least not to any extent that Magic Stark couldn’t handle her. The Darkhold doesn’t automatically make you super powerful that even Sorceror Supremes couldn’t handle you. In the comics, because of her birth origins, this makes sense. She’s even strong enough to fuck up Dormammu! FUCKING DORMAMMU!!! That’s the power of an Elder God! Dr. Strange is NOTHING compared to Dormammu in terms of power, but Scarlet Witch!? Jeebus! But movie version shouldn’t even be close. And AGAIN, the Darkhold she had was a FAKE! So… what the fuck!? There is absolutely NO REASON for her to be steam rolling anyone considering the change in origins!

But… no. Movie expects me to believe that Mt. Wundagore was just conveniently set up for Scarlet Witch to have a throne, and I guess those 4 stone beasts are the High Evolutionary’s Knights of Wundagore as well? Hahahahahahahhahahahahahaha, bullshit! This is Disney’s half assed attempt to over correct on how SHIT their adaptations are by including all those story bits… WITHOUT THE PROPER CONTEXT!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA, Fuck you Disney. Fuck you lazy, inconsistent, piece of shit hack jobs who only use the source material to bait mother fuckers into thinking you CARE! Proof positive of that comes in the next few scenes after Scarlet Bitch does more dream walking nonsense to get her own clone to kill people… wtf is this shit!? I’m sorry, did I miss something!? Didn’t they mention that the REAL Darkhold was on Wundagore? Because you see, in this Dream walking bullshit, she was using the FAKE Darkhold (UGGH) to dreamwalk. She was so dependent upon the book that when it was destroyed, SHE COMPLETELY STOPPED DREAM WALKING! She was rip shit pissed that it was destroyed! So Wong had to calm her down and tell her that the REAL Darkhold was on Wundagore! That is EXACTLY why they traveled there in the first place! But now, this crazy bitch just Dream Walks without the need of the Dark Hold!?

What the fuck!?

What the literal shit!?

Then why the hell was she so pissed off about the fake book being destroyed!? It was MEANINGLESS! If she didn’t need the Darkhold to Dreamwalk, why the fuck did they travel all the way to Wundagore!? She’s dream walking her ass off! I betcha some dumb mutha fuckas are gonna stroll up in this bitch talkin “well, you mentioned Chthon’s spirit is trapped in Wundagore, so maybe she doesn’t need the darkhold to dream walk since she’s feeding off of Chthon’s spirit”, no, fuck you! Fuck this movie, fuck the idiot writers who can’t even keep up with their own story, and fuck Disney for their bait and switch tactics.

ANYWHO, we go back to Magic Stark and Chavez who are trapped in some glass containers, and… I guess those handcuffs disable MS’s ability to use magic? Funny enough, the doctor in charge of those glass prisons is Ill-Christine, just so Strange can get hung up on that irrelevant bitch that no one cares about.

I’m serious when I ask why these goddamn MCU movies shoehorn romance subplots between the title character and some little planks of charisma vacuums with no qualities even remotely resembling “attractive”. Good lord, I was more invested in the deceptive kiss between Captain America and Black Widow, largely owing to the Superior Ultimate Avengers Cartoons, but also because those were better characters… before Age of Ultron shoe horned that weird shit between her and the Hulk! Why does the movie expect me to give a fraction of a fuck about the random doctor chick who literally only exists as a supporting character and nothing else?! Sharon Carter was literally DITCHED in favor of that big ol’ tittied white woman from the 40s, so shoehorning that shit into Civil War was a waste of time. Hank Pym rightfully asks “when did this happen!?” because that’s what an MCU romance boils down to. An obligatory, contrived, and pointless motivation for the main hero to be a hero, and nothing more! So here we have MS being emo over this bitch, and she rightfully tells him that she has no interest in him, all before Mordo enters the room with a bunch of ULTRON ROBOTS!?

Whatever, different universe. So they take MS into a judgement hall before the Illuminati itself! While I’m aware of the group’s existence, I’m not at all familiar with each and every member. All I know is Doc Strange, Iron Fuck, Mr. Fantastic and… I draw blanks for everyone else. But I am SO certain that this selection is as random as can be! Black Bolt, awesome as it is to see him in a movie, has no business being in this group. He’s an Inhuman! And as far as I can recall, the Illuminati is for humans only! What the fuck is Black Bolt doing in here!? He can’t even talk without that stank ass breath bringing down the house! Secondly, you have Black Marvel, and that makes even less sense considering she’s more of a soldier than a leader. And… who in the great fuck… is Captain Carter supposed to be!? Oh wait, it’s that big ol’ tittied white woman, Peggy wtf. Yep, I’m convinced they just made this bitch up for the sake of “MULTIVERSE COUNTERPARTS!” And then we have Professor X himself.

EDIT: Had to check this shit myself. Ok so Black Bolt WAS a part of this group. How the fuck does that even work!? He can’t talk without bringing down the house!

The problem with the Illuminati in this shitpiece is that they’re more of a superhero group rather than a secret society of global influencers… which defeats the purpose of the Illuminati in the first place. OR… it could be Disney rewriting how the Illuminati actually operates… to protect the REAL Illuminati’s true nature! DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!! It explains why the house of mouse is so evil!

Anywho, this gaggle of idiots (including NOT Fox Mr. Fantastic) all decide that MS is a class A bastard because… another version… of this guy… used some forbidden shit to kill Thanos, and because of that, the Illuminati has Black Bolt kill Ill-Strange sometime in the past. Uh… Ok? That doesn’t explain why you’re being dicks to MS, but w/e. You have some massive baggage and trust issues, that’s for sure. MS warns these imbeciles that they have a much bigger problem to worry about as Scarlet Bitch is on her period and wants to kill everyone in every universe… but these assholes don’t care because “well… your parallel universe counterpart… sacrificed himself for the greater good, meaning that you… who had NOTHING to do with his shit…. are a threat to the Multiverse!” Guys, I… I don’t know how to say that without sounding ridiculous, but the Illuminati here is making… an assumption… of a person’s level of danger to the multiverse… based off of ONE of his counterparts doing something risky… to stop a bigger threat from destroying the universe. Does even a single syllable of that make any sense!? Could you imagine if, in “The One” with Jet Li, that the verse police or w/e decided to kill every single “Law” in existence because of an assumption!?

“Permission to Speak, Roedecker?”
“What is it?”
“Why are we considered the good guys, again? We’re killing people indiscriminately!”
“We can’t risk the possibility of another Yu Law getting the idea that he can kill his other selves to become a God”
“… You know, we’re giving Yu Law exactly what he wants, right? And… this isn’t Minority Report, we can’t fuck people up based on a “might happen” basis”
“Don’t think about it. The audience won’t”

I mean… one of their members is stated to be the smartest man on Earth! You mean to tell me he doesn’t see a problem with this!? “Doctor Strange, you took a big risk in saving the universe, and that risk paid off! “So we killed him for it so that he doesn’t corrupt. However, now EVERY version of Strange is a threat because of this ONE Strange from our universe!?”

Oh well, they’ll be dead in 5 minutes. So Scarlet Bitch appears in one of her bizarro universe selves and… wait wait, hold the fuck up!

Ok, again! Wanda’s plan is to kill Chavez, take her power, and use it to travel to another verse to get her imaginary kids back, right? So… dream walking is a method she can use to temporarily enter another verse through the body of an alternate version of yourself. Ok, got that part. But… if that’s the case, shouldn’t she be a little smarter about this and use a completely different tactic!? Take over the mind of a bizarro yourself, then trick the little bastards you want to kidnap into finding Chavez, pretending to know NOTHING about Scarlet Bitch, but pretend you are being attacked by some random demon sent by Scarlet Bitch. Because apparently MS is stupid now, he’ll be more inclined to aid you to get to a safer place with Chavez’s help. Then… you kill the bitch, take her power, and kidnap the brats while leaving MS dumbfounded! Isn’t that a lot smarter!?

No? Just take a new body and start killing people randomly because it makes for a cooler sequence of events? Ok! I’m pretty sure a movie about magicians needs to be less Super Hero retardation and be a little more sophisticated, but unfortunately Doc Strange had to be a Marvel property.

So this next bit is the part that EVERYONE, even the diehard Marvel idiots, absolutely hated. Scarlet Bitch comes in where the Illuminavengers arrive to throw empty threats at her. Instead of attacking and killing her right away, they ALL stand around talking shit about what Black Bolt can do. So she does the Matrix thing and takes away his mouth, causing him to… panic, scream a little bitch, and blow his brains out.

This was a bit gross to watch, and I’m shocked they allowed Raimi to go as far as he did with it. No blood, just his head melting inward. But… damn, he could’ve ended this right then and there is Reed kept HIS mouth shut.

Speaking of which, here’s Mr. Fantastic getting turned into Spaghetti! Dead!

Captain Carter and Black Marvel split up and do battle with her one at a time. Notice… how they got rid of the men as quickly as possible, but the ladies get actual fight scenes.

First off, these are some brand new characters that came out of nowhere, so there’s no investment or emotional weight that people could have for this scene. I’m pretty sure people would rather see Mr. Fantastic and Black Bolt do some fighting, not some made up on the fly new characters that literally no one can be invested in.
Secondly, if Scarlet Bitch can immediately manipulate people’s bodies and kill them that way, why does she not do so immediately for the 2 Captain Bitches?
Thirdly, Captain Carter (so dumb) is just a chick with a frisbee and a jet pack, how does she get the longest fight out of all of them!?
Forthly(?), Scarlet doesn’t use magic to kill Carter, she just catches the Frisbee and tosses it back at Carter, splitting her in the middle. Of course, we don’t show that! Just the shield having blood on it.
Fifthly(?), Black Marvel is the only one left with a decent chance to win something because cosmic powers… but she gets killed by a statue falling on her. Her death is the least gruesome, but it’s also the dumbest and most embarrassing. You’d think someone of her power level would be able to take that shit, but no, she’s not Brie Larson so we have to shit all over her.
Lastly, I notice people love to shit on Captain Marvel Brie Larson UNTIL she’s compared to a Black character. Black Marvel is considered to be more insufferable than the white bitch, why? As a matter of fact, people literally claimed that their most hated MCU movie ever… was better than Black Panther! I tell yah, these people will switch up on you in a millisecond!

But you hated Black Panther!

Dah dah, lets not get into my personal tastes!

BUT NOW!!! The moment that broke EVERYONE!! The death of Professor Charles mother… fucking… Xavier! This old decrepit badass rolls out in his wheel chair to do a mental confrontation with Scarlet. Oh yeah! No one can beat X in a battle of the mind! Even the PHOENIX FORCE was no match for this guy!

No seriously, read the Dark Phoenix saga, Xavier is such a goddamn beast that he SHUT DOWN THE PHOENIX FORCE! You do not FUCK with Xavier!

So in the minds, he finds some Sokovian rubble, and sees a scared Wanda struggling to get out. Xavier tells her that she’s been trapped there by the malevolent force controlling her body, but then a bunch of red smoke comes out of nowhere, good Wanda hides in the rubble, and Scarlet pops up behind him… and snaps his neck in the mind… which also snaps his neck in the real world.

Ok… now we’ve got a problem!

Look, I get that Scarlet Witch is OP… but I do not believe for a second… that she would have ANY chance against Xavier in a mental confrontation! Xavier is THE most powerful Telepath in all of X-Men, hands down. Emma Frost, the Stepford Cuckoos, even Phoenix herself. All pale in comparison to this guy! He has so much power that he can mentally incapacitate CROWDS of people! The psycho bitches can barely manage THAT much! You mean to tell me this hoe is powerful enough to resist Xavier!? Actually no, she killed his ass in the easiest, none struggling way imaginable! There wasn’t even a fight! Xavier just stands there and gets mirked!

THIS… IS… BULLSHIT! You do not bring a beloved character such as Patrick Xavier into your movie, and waste him like he’s nothing! This isn’t like the other characters you have here, people actual have some emotional investment into this guy! He’s appeared in several X-Men movies PRIOR to the MCU, so people actually care about him! People LOVE him! So to have him get mirked in such easy, disrespectful fashion by a character that people were already growing to hate because she took over the movie from the title character, and is evil for the sake of being evil with no rational explanation, and is honestly just there to be another example of female empowerment… is… fucking…. TACTLESS! You WASTED one of your best selling points just to say “lol, girl power triumphs fan favorites no matter what you do!” I could overlook Ant Man and Wasp where Wasp is the more competent fighter simply because “she trained longer”, or the Dora Milage taking over Black Panther because they didn’t exactly outshine him, or even Hela since she’s the main villain and should pose SOME threat… but THIS SHIT!? You LITERALLY brought in Charles fucking Xavier just to kill him off by way of Scarlet Witch Neck Break!? That is where we cross some fucking lines! Xavier was literally a selling point and nothing more as he is instantly disrespected in this manner!

I hope you idiots are happy! THIS is how Disney plans to treat your precious fucking X-Men! With absolutely no respect or regard! You guys got horny when Fox Quicksilver appeared in Wandavision only for him to be turned into a Boner joke, but this is vintage Xavier, and he’s dead in an instant! If THIS is the best that we can expect from Disney X-Men, you poisonous little vipers will get EXACTLY what you deserve! Well you know what!? I’m GLAD this shit happened! So many of you fuck wits were so DESPERATE for Fox to lose the X-Men so that you can have your retarded super hero fights when the X-Men was more than dumb comic movies, and now you see EXACTLY how Disney feels about them! As a waste and as an inconvenience! Good luck with your bullshit theory culture as you all try to wrap your heads around how Disney could do this to your beloved Patrick Stewart! They are SO CONFIDENT that you’ll overlook this slight and move on with your Marvel addiction that you can’t possibly fathom how they could be so uncaring, lacking all sorts of foresight into seeing how this could upset people! It’s because Disney hates your fucking guts! THAT’S how they feel about your precious X-Men!

Good fucking riddance to all the X-Men hype people had as EVERYONE is no longer comfortable with them being in control! Most of all, my sister! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! VICTORY IS MINE!

So where is Magic Stark during all of this? He’s busy having a kung fu fight with Mordo. Why!? Because they’re enemies in the comics and they’re obligated to have a little spat? Um… shouldn’t he be more focused on saving what’s left of his friends with Scarlet Bitch attacking their base? Nah, pissing contest is more important. These characters have no concept of priorities, I swear. So MS leaves Mordo in a ditch and rushes to save Chavez. She breaks out of her cage and regroups with MS as they all have this weird “horror sequence” where Scarlet Dream Zombie chases them through a random tunnel. They manage to lose her and find a door that can only be opened by MS’s pocket watch. Uh… why? Nevermind, I don’t care. Outside of this door is the center of the Multiverse! There, the book of the Vishanti is present, and the gang try to use it to stop Scarlet. But that crazy bitch finds them, yanks Chavez by the hair, BURNS the Book of the Vishanti (ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!), and tosses MS and Ill-Christine into another dimension.

OK!!! Now this movie is stupid!

Scarlet Witch just showed that she can merely use a fraction of Chavez’s power to get into some dimensions. So NOW we have proof that you don’t NEED to kill her! You can just take control of her power, find those dimensions, get your kids, and then go the fuck away! Problem solved, 2 hours spared! But no, we needed an actual villain, and Disney wanted Scarlet Witch to be that villain, so they jumped through so many hoops to get that to happen.

Conveniently enough, MS and Christine are in the verse that has… DARK STRANGE! OHHH!!!! Dark Strange has the REAL Darkhold on him! OHHHH!!! And he admits to using it because Christine left him… are you serious? So… let me get this straight. Dark Strange used the Darkhold because his bitch left him… you know what, I don’t care. It’s not the MCU Strange and it’s definitely not the 616 Strange (earlier in the movie, Ill-Christine claimed that the MCU is Earth 616 which is fucking laughable as Disney was trying to claim their movies are the PRIMARY universe for Marvel Comics. Not the actual comics themselves. Earth 616 is the mainline continuity. MCU is supposed to be Earth 199999999999999999999999. No way in FUCK would I accept Spider-Fan as the Primary Spider-Man!) Anywho, since MS can’t hop verses, he battles Dark Strange with musical notes. Uhhhhh… whatever, I guess it’s neat? He kills Dark Strange and takes the Darkhold to… dreamwalk into Defender Strange’s corpse. That’s a weird way to advertise Marvel Zombies, but whatever. Anything to allow Sam Raimi to do horror shit. Some spirits try to take possession of MS’s mind, but Christine has to remind MS that he should use magic to fight them off, you know, because we want to hammer in how mentally deficient Doctor Strange is so as to push Scarlet Bitch into the spotlight. But Zombie Strange makes it to Mt Wundagore where Bitch is trying to drain Chavez of her powers and lifeforce. Both Zombie Strange and Wong dispatch the Knights of Wundagore, and surround Bitch in demon cloud… shit, with just enough time to give Chavez words of encourage so that she can… punch Bitch really hard. What’s with these Doctor Strange movies resorting to fisticuffs in the final act!? These are MAGICIANS! USE FUCKING MAGIC!! Anywho, Bitch says “Silly bitch, your powers cannot harm me! Do you know who the fuck I am!? I’m the Scarlet Witch, Bitch!” Then Chavez puts up the verse where her kids exist, and they’re scared of Bitch so much that THAT verse’s version of Scarlet Witch comes out to… tell her that her kids are loved. Then she lets everyone go and… collapses Mt Wundagore on top of herself.

Wow… that is some anticlimatic shit right there.

Also… the Darkhold is destroyed, WHAT THE FUCK!? The Darkhold is supposed to be INDESTRUCTABLE, GODDAMMIT!! Disney, this is your biggest fuck up since you reduced the Eye of Agamotto to be a single Infinity Gem! Without the Darkhold, there is no chance of Chthon having any real means of returning into existence! Aww fuck it!

So MS and Wong take Chavez back to what’s left of Kamurtasch, and has her undergo Sling Ring training… which makes no sense because she can already teleport to a certain degree, so this is redundant. Wong also asks if MS ok since he used the Darkhold, but MS assures him that all is well. BUT NO!!! When he walks out into the street, MS starts screaming like a retard, and has a 3rd Open up, indicating that he is corrupted by Chthon! Which… makes no sense because the Darkhold was destroy, fuck you Disney, making it virtually impossible for this to be a thing! Also some after credits shows Clea(!!!) played by Charlize Theron. Not my first choice, but whatever, everyone loves how she abuses her black adoptee-I mean her acting prowess. She calls MS a coward for.. some reason, but talks about an Incursion happening. I don’t know what that alludes to. But his Tien Eye opens again showing that, yep, he’s still corrupted by Chthon. Because we can’t have good men anymore!

And that is the end of the Depths of Disney’s madness, fucking hell! WOW, this was a REALLY bad movie! And for once, people will agree with that assessment! Perhaps not for the same reasons, but there is a consensus. Infact, I think maybe NOW people are starting to get a little fucked off with the MCU in much the same manner as they did with MVCI. You do not FUCK with X-Men characters and think you can just get away with that, Disney! Killing off Xavier in the manner you did served no purpose than to troll the desperate MCU fans hopes of claiming the X-Men for their own! While I find it hilarious that those imbeciles are starting to wake up from their fever dreams of “MCU CAN DO NO WRONG“, I’m still obligated to say “FUCK YOU” for disrespecting both a beloved AND actor in favor of your girl power addiction.

So lets talk about that girl power addiction because that… is… unfortunately… the primary complaint that this movie has. And even more unfortunately, I’m inclined to agree because there’s a lot of logic in this movie (and that piece of fuck Wandavision) that feels forced and contrived just to make the bitch look better than she really is.

The girl power trip was always present in the MCU, it didn’t just start with Captain Marvel. It honestly started with Black Widow way back in Avengers 1 where she never took an injury for shit. Female characters since then have been dominating the male characters in these movies for a while, whether it was Gamora or Wasp or even Scarlet Witch herself. I noticed this early on when the women could simply do no wrong and kick all the ass. The DIFFERENCE was there at least came a point to where they get humbled. Black Widow gets dominated by Winter Soldier and Scarlet Witch, even ANT MAN gets one over her. Gamora gets fucked up by Nebula (I’m counting it, I don’t care), and Scarlet Witch herself gets put down by War Machine. They weren’t these all powerful badasses. That started to change around the time of Wasp’s introduction where they just turned into invincible badasses, so much so that they would always look better than the male heroes. The most egregious example I can think of was that piece of fuck Ragnarok movie where Black Valkrye was showing up everyone (They had to contextually nerf Thor just to make her look better), and Loki himself who is supposed to be a pretty competent fighter AND Warlock/God in his own right, is also nothing compared to her, she subdues him no problem. Black Panther, we LITERALLY cut the man out of the later half of the film just so the Dora Milage can take center stage, and the aforementioned civil war between the women and the men, gender war shit that I talked about in that review, where they blatantly had the women on the side of righteousness while all the men were on Killmonger’s side, that couldn’t be anymore on the nose. Captain Marvel, we all know about that shit with the marketing. No I have not watched the movie because I do not care about Ms. Marvel. I was more upset that this wasn’t Mar-Vell or even Genis/Phylla-Vell, but Carol fucking Danvers, most powerful rape victim. Plus she’s played by an absolute cunt who enjoys being gased up like this, so there’s that. Then you have Endgame where they just removed all doubt that they were on the girl power trip with that one scene of them all banding together in some celebratory masturbation of the MCU’s girl power fantasies, and of course giving them better fights against Thanos when Thor should be able to hold his own against him no problem (but Thor is pretty much ruined at that point, Love and Thunder is going to fuck this worse), Wandavision where they just didn’t want her to be evil, but it happens regardless. People talked about Loki having this problem, this apparently also crops up in Shang Chi, and all in all, it just seems to be out of control.

This, however, is the most egregious example because, even if we take the source material into account, the movie just makes up it’s own rules to push this bitch to the ultimate powers of absurdity, and her powers at that point stop making sense.

Now… *chuckles* Scarlet Witch’s power scaling… honestly… coincides with that source material. Because yeah, when you get to a point where you become more powerful than Dormammu (a feat that Strange himself never achieved), then… there’s no point in hiding it anymore, Scarlet Witch is arguably the most powerful mutant there is. But again, this is more so because she has the spirit of Chthon, or at least a tiny spec of it, within her. That essence was enough to put her on an insane threshold of power. So this is how you get to Avengers Disassembled, House of M, etc. It’s also where people get this idea that she can just wipe the floor with Jean Grey (that’s debatable too. Jean Grey can literally shut down people’s powers with a thought, so it’d be more an issue of speed, who can get off their powers first). Scarlet Witch is just that overpowered and overrated. Here’s the thing, though. That level of power wasn’t achieved instantaneously. It only came about when she obtained the Darkhold or just started learning real magic. She wasn’t always that powerful. The thing to note is that all she really had in the beginning was probability manipulation, or dumb ass luck manipulation. Learning magic is when this bullshit all started. Because that awakened that damn Chthon juice or w/e, and that’s when the bitch started going insane.

See, a lot of people are confused as to why Scarlet Witch is instantly evil and her plan makes no sense. No one ever came to the conclusion that she’s clinically INSANE!! That’s the point. Scarlet Witch had lost her grip on reality, literally becoming full on Schizophrenic. She KILLED quite a few Avengers in doing this, including Antman and Hawkeye. One could argue that she’s never truly been right in the head, what with marrying a robot (something I WISHED they changed in the films, but Disney seems to maintain the WORST of Marvel Comics while ditching the BEST of Marvel Comics because they hate Marevl fans or something). Whether she learned magic from the Darkhold or not, I can’t explicitly remember, but it would make sense given how connected she is to Chthon.

This is why I laugh at a lot of reviewers who think highly of themselves because “they can enjoy the movie without being concerned with the source material“, when the source material can give you context to when Hollywood actually bothers to get certain things right. Scarlet Witch’s character so far… has been spot on in terms of being a crazy bitch. No one can seem to understand her motivations, but they refuse to go with the idea that “she’s gone insane” for some reason. Insanity perfectly describes what’s wrong with her in both Wandavision and this shitty movie. Even her absurd power level against any and all threats makes sense.

Where all of this DOESN’T make sense is how she works in the context of the movies and tv shows. Scarlet Witch goes insane just by seeing the government turn Vision’s body into weapon. This is difficult to sympathize with because the level of chemistry between her and Vision was so obligatory and paper thin that it makes Neo and Trinity look like a match made in heaven, so our level of care is diminished. So she just randomly walks into a town and has an emotional breakdown, turning on a Hex that turns the town into a pocket dimension of her own doing. It’s nowhere near as massive as it was in the actual House of M, but whatever. Here’s the problem. Her mutant abilities of probability manipulation came about as the result of experimentation by Hydra via the Mind Gem. How the fuck does the Mind Gem, an Infinity Gem that basically deals with Psionic powers such as telepathy and Telekinesis as well as general mind fuckery, give you reality warping powers!? OR SUPER SPEED, for that matter!? Sure, Scarlet has all those distinctive traits, but what she’s never displayed in these movies are probability manipulation. She can use hex magic without having learned magic, wtf!? She literally doesn’t start learning magic until the very last episode, so this reality warping shit makes absolutely no sense. A lot of what she could do in the movies could’ve been handwaved as being that the Mind Gem gave her those specific Psionic powers, but again… it gave Quicksilver Super Speed, so it’s just coincidental at this point. Being able to warp reality even that small of a scale makes no sense given the experiments that were done on her, unless Kevin fuckwit is saying that the Infinity Gems have no limitations on what abilities they have, and that would just be convenient for such a hack job, wouldn’t it?

Secondly, the demon conjuring/controlling powers she has, unless the Darkhold allows you to control massive demons like SHUMA FUCKING GORATH! I’m telling you, they changed his name to avoid the expected fanboy outrage that would result! Broken as Scarlet is, Shuma Gorath should NEVER be anyone’s bitch! Shuma Gorath is an Ancient Evil Demon, one whom Dormmamu and Mephisto both are scared shitless of! So powerful that Strange couldn’t simply beat this guy to free Ancient One from his grasp, he had to KILL the ancient One to prevent Gorath from ever being freed! He is the fucking lord of Chaos who can manipulate reality on a far greater scale! There is NO EXCUSE for having Shuma fucking Gorath as the BITCH of Scarlet Witch! I-… he was so awesome and influential, he was a playable fucking character in Marvel Super Heroes, MSH vs Street Fighter, and MVC2! You’ve GOTTA be on some next level shit to impress CAPCOM, come on! Also, getting killed by having your eye plucked out? Get fucked, Feige. Gorath is too fucking powerful for that shit to ever work!

Then there’s her plan overall to kill a teenager to steal her powers. There are SEVERAL instances that show this is unnecessary (such as dreamwalking), and if the Darkhold is that damn good, certainly it would’ve had some spells or entries on how to get to other universes. I don’t exactly remember, but I think Dark Strange was killing other Strange’s in other universes over Christine, MEANING he had to have learned how to cross over into other universes in order to do that. You mean to tell me her COPY couldn’t have taught her how to do that? Oh it’s just dreamwalking? Well fuck it, just make something up so this plot doesn’t have to happen! In actuality, Scarlet DIDN’T have to be a massive bitch toward anyone. She could’ve just asked nicely to Chavez and said “I want to find my kids in another dimension” and maybe things would be fine! Oh wait, Chavez is apparently an X-Men character and can’t use her powers well. Well there’s Doctor Strange a few blocks down the street! Oh wait, he and everyone else is going to tell you the same thing. You just made up your own kids, now you want to steal them from another universe? Fuck that, you’re going to mess up the multiverse stability! Oh well, guess all you can do is DREAMWALK, but then you’d have to accept that “Hey idiot, these are not your fucking kids in this universe!” OR… you know… do another Hex and remake the little bastards, and live in your stupid little bubble! PROBLEM… FUCKING…. SOLVED!!! You mean to tell me that Scarlet NEVER thought to do EXACTLY what she did in Wandavision but on a much smaller scale!? One that WOULDN’T enslave an entire town!? And would likely allow her to be alone and happy in her own little world!? There are SO MANY WAYS her biological clock wouldv’e been satisfied and the “problem” solved, but now the MCU’s biggest addicts are desperately trying to jump through hoops to explain the rampant idiocy running wild in the writers minds. The only explanation is insanity, or attraction to bringing Chthon into the MCU. Not some handwaved bullshit like “it’s someone else’s fault”. Scarlet DID NOT have to use the book at all! She did so because she wanted her kids back, so all this bullshit about “Oh the Darkhold fucked her mind up” is meaningless. She used her god given freewill to use the book in the first place! There is no getting around this!

Next is the “cause” of Scarlet’s evilness. Everyone claims it is because the Darkhold had corrupted her. This would be fine… if the Darkhold she had wasn’t a fake. That argument has no weight because of this. A copy of a magical tome shouldn’t normally have the same power and/or properties as the real deal. That’s basically the idea of copies, they’re not the raw primary source (Hint hint, Spider-Fan from Earth 61u1z6?), so the idea that she could ever be corrupted is laughable. Plus it’s shown that corruption via the Darkhold is denoted by having a 3rd eye sprout on your forehead. This is simply Scarlet being a massive cunt because the writers want to show how awesome she is without removing anything resembling tension, so here she is as a badguy. Instead of going “this is because she’s clinically insane” which is appropiate, but that would put all the blame of both Wandavision and Madness on her shoulders, and we can’t have evil women for Girl Power… except Hela, but we had Valkryie there to balance it out, so….

Lastly is the shit on Mt. Wundagore. Scarlet Witch, for the entirety of the MCU up until now, was just a lab rat. But out of fucking nowhere, she has a throne and is automatically in command of the Knights of Wundagore, or whatever the fuck those statues were!? I refuse to believe that. None of this is explained or alluded to outside of Harkness’s forgettable ramblings, but if she was that damn important, you’d think she would’ve displayed abilities prior to exposure to the Mind Gem. Or are we gonna bullshit ourselves and say some magical gypsies found a way to suppress the evil within!? Eat my ass!

These sins and more are proof positive that Disney just took Scarlet’s power level in the books at face value, and put that in the movie because it literally coincides with their Girl Power trip. Because at this point, you’ve humiliated not only Strange himself, but SHUMA FUCKING GORATH, Mr. Fantastic, and Charles mother fucking Xavier all in the same movie in order to achieve this! You are nerfing characters just to push the women, and it’s becoming desperate! And no, Mr. Fantastic is a fucking beast, the guy can make anything (and I mean ANYTHING) to defeat any opponent no matter how powerful (see Galactus). No bullshit, he shits all over Iron Man when it comes to contingencies (and intellect… and personality… and success rate… and women… and being a leader… and technology). There are certain characters in the Marvel Universe you absolutely do NOT fuck with unless you are prepared to die, and you’ve humiliated 4 of them in one… fucking… movie in order to push the girl power! THAT… is where we draw some fucking lines! THAT is why people are getting pissed off! This has ALWAYS been the problem with Girl Power since the 90s. It is often done/written at the expense of other characters. Again, it wasn’t a problem early on in the MCU, but we’ve come to a point where they are having the ladies kill off or humiliate fan favorites in order to push these characters. And worse yet, because a lot of Youtubers have arrogantly claimed to NOT be proponents of the source material, Disney can count on their undeniably willful ignorance OF said source material as rhetorical cover for when they plan to ruin shit! There is absolutely no excuse to make Shuma Gorath into Scarlet Witch’s minion, that is disgusting! I thought turning the Nova Corp into generic space cops rather than those powered by the Nova Force was an extremely fucked up trick, but this is some next level madness!

So I guess the movie’s title is correct. It IS madness! But it should be renamed “Doctor Strange and the DEPTHS of Feige’s Madness” because that hackjob of a producer just took a MASSIVE SHIT on Marvel fans in favor of simpin!

Fuck, I’ve talked WAAAAY too much about Scarlet Witch, but that’s why the movie sucks. It’s entirely about Scarlet Witch. Doctor Strange? Who gives a fuck about him, right? The biggest issue that I have, and likely many others, is that the title character was completely sidelined just to have Scarlet Witch’s arc be completed, all the while having said title character humiliated. Scarlet Witch is not at all an appealing character. People only like and overrate her because of her powers. This is the DC problem in which the powers are the only interesting aspect of the character in question. Scarlet Witch is not a good character. In many ways, she is just a plot device for Marvel editorials to achieve a certain purpose. Her absurd power level from House of M? “Well we need an excuse to reduce the mutant population so that the X-Men series can still make sense”. That is fucking shit, and everyone knows it. Thus, Scarlet Witch is a crappy character in general. She has no interesting stories or aspects outside of being extensions of other characters (IE, Magneto and Vision). And then… you make her an unlikable shit for this movie and Wandavision! So to sideline Magic Stark in favor of this bitch is guaranteed to ruffle some feathers.

This is EXACTLY how I felt when they handed Cap’s 3rd movie over to Iron Man when he already had 3 movies to himself, and they kept giving him the keys to everyone else’s lore and franchise (Spider-Man), and being the only one Thanos acknowledges as a threat (even knowing his fucking name, are you kidding me!? Not even Zhuge Liang got his dick sucked this much in Dynasty Warriors!), but no one cared because “OH THAT IRON MAN IS SO FUNNY!” I’ve never hated Iron Man so… fucking.. much until the MCU. Not even the original Civil War series got me to hate him this much, but the fact that he is allowed to get so much, and get away with so much was a giant red flag. Cap was turned into a villain in his own movie, but no one saw a problem with it because they wanted to spread their asses wide open for that Iron Cock, that was the worst thing Disney ever pulled, but I’m supposed to give a fuck about all the super women taking over the MCU!? Fuck this! You jackasses established a precedent that Disney is allowed to sideline anyone they so choose so long as it fits with their… dare I say it… AGENDA!!!! I’m like “Y’all didn’t have a problem with Iron Man taking over Cap’s movie” but fuck it, you all LOVE that overrated son of a bitch!

But… that’s kind of the point. People actually LIKE Iron Man, so they don’t mind when he takes the spotlight while everyone else takes a backseat to his never ending shilling. Disney spent time giving Iron Man all the charisma in the world to the point that no one hates him. That’s the problem. Disney just EXPECTS you to like the super women without warrant. This is where all the problems stem from. You are FORCING people to accept characters that you refuse to make compelling for reasons only those in an insane asylum can understand. And people keep telling you “No! You either make these bitches interesting, or you can kiss our natural asses!” That is what people are trying to say, but are obscured by the dipshits on Youtube. People are not automatically going to just like these characters simply because they are women, you have to give them something that people can actually get on board with. There has yet to be a female super hero, no short of maybe Wonder Woman, that anyone can actually get behind on the big screen without being assaulted by this overwhelming desire to push a particular gender at the expense of literally everything else. People don’t hate these characters just because they’re fucking women! People hate them because you are FORCING them onto people without due cause!

If I want to see a movie titled “Black Panther”, I shouldn’t be watching a movie about the Dora Milage taking on their male suitors in a gender war with CGI Rhinos. If I want to see Captain America, I shouldn’t be seeing Iron Man being put on a pedestal in opposition to the title character who is reduced to an antagonist. If I want to see Doctor Strange, I shouldn’t be seeing Scarlet Witch take up roughly 70% of the screentime devoted to kids I don’t give a fuck about!! Especially when the bitch had done absolutely nothing to warrant any sort of sympathy! It does not work! And… honestly, even if you did, those same female characters should NOT take the spotlight from the title characters. It’s not their movie! The same thing goes for Iron Man, make no mistake! But it’s happening with the super women more than anyone else right now, and that’s why they attract more ire than they do fans!

But you don’t just stop there, you go to GREAT LENGTHS to make the male characters WORSE in order to push them! It would be one thing if they were to combat and maybe dominate characters who are fighting 100% at their prime, but you make them incompetent in order to make the females look better. That reeks of cowardice, but also of vindication in that you know they can’t compete. Thor would destroy Valkyrie if he was in top shape. Same with Loki. Valkyrie hasn’t displayed any sort of power that would put her above Thor and Loki both, but here she is making short work of the latter simply because we want to forget that Loki is pretty damn competent when it comes to magic and combat. He doesn’t even use his cryomancy! Fucking hell! This guy was kicking Thor’s ass in the first movie, what the fuck is this bullshit!? Thanks, Joss Whedon, now no one takes Loki seriously as a threat! Nice to know you can ruin more than the Alien Franchise! So not only are you trying to force people to accept these characters, you practically assasinate the ones that people are already familiar with AND FAVOR!!! This is the worst thing you can do in writing characters, but because it’s Disney, and because people are hopelessly addicted to the MCU, they know damn well that they can get away with it and make money all the same! These assholes have a million subscribers, and I don’t!

*sighs*

So as for the movie….

The plot is all over the place, things happen for the sake of the plot happening, it breaks lore several times for some made up rules, brings in cameos just to kill them off in less than spectacular fashion, and makes the title character look like shit all the same. There is no such thing as liking a single character in this movie. They all suck, they’re written to be idiots, and they’re just not compelling at all.

Magic Stark is just the guy who tries to clean up the mess. He’s a verse Janitor. I’m a little miffed that the movie tried to hammer home this thing where Strange is a guy who goes too far with the powers he has, and that makes him a threat. But… with all the Stranges aside from Dark Strange, these guys… all go to great lengths to sacrifice themselves to save the Multiverse. Defender tries to sacrifice Chavez to prevent the demon from destroying the book of the Vishanti, Magic Stark uses the Darkhold to stop Scarlet Witch’s rampage, and Ill-Stark used… something to stop Thanos from fucking up his universe. I’m in the camp that says “fuck you, movie”. This is done in some half baked attempt to make Scarlet Witch look better, but it falls flat because she’s using her powers to inflict horrors upon others completely out of self-interest and self-gratification. 3 Stranges are doing everything they can to SAVE LIVES!!! Scarlet is doing everything to TAKE LIVES! I don’t think there’s any evidence to support the splitting of hairs here. Dark Strange cannot speak for the other Stranges, and even then, it’s just ONE Strange! It goes back to my earlier

Chavez is a plot device writ and large. Personality wise, she’s just a dumb kid who has a bad habit of stealing people’s shit. I suppose the little star effects she has are cool, but that’s about it. Also, is it just me or does this girl look more Asian than Hispanic?

Wong is just there to be a bitch.

The Illuminati are the biggest… goddamn… idiots in this entire movie. The man is warning you that a much bigger threat is on the horizon, you acknowledge that he isn’t the same Strange as your own, yet you figure it’s best to fuck with him rather than deal with the Scarlet Bitch! Mordo is determined to kill Strange no matter what, and these guys all die like bitches in the face of Scarlet Witch!

As for Scarlet Witch herself… I need not waste anymore words. I’ve gone on in length about what’s wrong with her and this movie, and I’m tired of writing about her.

Ugh… I tell yah, writing about this movie was a task in itself. It’s undeniably bad in ways that even those pretentious “I DON’T NEED NO SAUCE” folks have to admit that it’s a mess. But if the murder of Xavier shows people how little Disney cares about anyone not connected to the Avengers mythos, then perhaps there’s hope for audiences everywhere. Now people are TERRIFIED of what Disney will do to X-Men, rightfully so! Even Fantastic Four isn’t safe! Prepare your assholes, people! They will be ruptured by the long dick of the Mouse!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Be careful what you fucking wish for!!

*chuckles* Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

EDIT: Ok, I had to go dumpster diving for info on this Gargantos shit. Apparently… he DOES exist! As an enemy of Namor the Sub-Mariner! But… wait, it’s a water monster that’s controlled by a villain called Naga. And it’s only ever appeared in 2… fucking… issues!? Are you kidding me!?
Nope! I’m still considering this a troll by Disney. This is a blatant bait and switch, and a massive middle finger to fans of Shuma Gorath! “HAHAHAHA, look at all those Doctor Strange fans getting mad over NOT-Shuma Gorath! HAHAHAHAHAHA!” So basically, Shuma Gorath was still killed by sharp knives. Fuck Disney.

This displeases the Lord of Chaos!

Keith Szarbajka (spelling?) An excellent blend of Jim Cummings and the late Deem Bristow. I still consider this guy to be the true potential successor to voice of Dr. Ivo Robotnik. But lately… the constant and prevailing perception of the character is that of an eccentric and zany fat guy with a goofy laugh. Much like everything else in this franchise.

Out of…. morbid curiosity (and tbh, desperation for more content on the blog), I decided that instead of watching an entire movie of something I knew I would hate, I figure it would be best to watch clips instead. 2 of these clips in particular gets me to question what exactly the fans, not the general movie going fuckwits because nowadays they’ll watch anything so long as it isn’t “woke”, but what the fans see in this. One with Sonic fighting Knuckles in a Temple up until Jimbotnik reveals that he was indeed a dick, and Super Sonic.

So I was right. The sequel is pure fanservice.

As expected, all those did was make me cringe. All of this is owed to the overrated comedian known as Jim Carry. I’m still in awe about how people can consider him to be a good Robotnik considering just how flanderized and over the top he is. The thing that gets me is that I’ve seen plenty of Jim Carry’s movies, and he isn’t cringe inducing for 100% of the runtime. If our entire collective memory of Jim Carry is exclusively from In Living Color, The Grinch and the Ace Ventura films, I could see the massive boner people have for him. But I’ve also seen The Mask, Liar Liar, and Bruce Almighty. Jim Carry is more than just zany retard with a penchant for talking really fucking fast. He can be more than that for this character. Robotnik has become far more comical over the years, but people are willing to push for that because his character animations in the Genesis games “looked” funny. But again, as always, we move into the Adventure games, we get actual layers to his character. He’s not some over the top zany mad scientist, he’s not Dr. Cortex. He does infact treat himself seriously, and most of his comedy comes from eccentric attributes and his outbursts of anger after losing. That’s not his entire character. But oh well, everyone’s first collective memory of Sonic comes exclusively from Sonic X (and Boom apparently), that’s probably why the movie grates my nerves as there are more callbacks to that piece of fuck anime than anything else. But w/e, 2 clips.

So I’ll say this. I do like that Knuckles is fast enough to keep up with Sonic. One of the things that bothered me was the absolute NERFING of everyone’s speed so that only Sonic and Shadow would be the speedsters in the series, especially with Knuckles as he’s just reduced to the “strong guy”, and strong guys are often very slow in American entertainment (unless they’re Superman or the Hulk). Seeing Knuckles blitz around the area was fine. I’ll give it that much.

The fight itself, however, was short and mediocre. I think it’s because the animation work looks no better than other Live Action CGI offerings like Cats vs Dogs. Them charging at each other and playing happy slaps in the air just looked silly and hard to discern since, because Americans don’t know shit about fight choreography, they’re moving too fast, and the camera work spins around them, and we’re supposed to look at this and go “OOHHHHHHHHHH“! Even with the MCU’s shitty cut and pasted shaky cam fights, something was looking like a fight.
Knuckles then punches Sonic like he’s a turd. Good hit, I guess. Then he goes after what I assume is the Master Emerald since it’s on top of the shrine that came out of SA1 (IT’S TOO FUCKING SMALL!). After that, Sonic comes around and does his bounce attack from SA2. This would’ve been impressive if the fuckknobs who did the animation didn’t SLOW DOWN the action and make the impacts look piss weak.
Next we get the oh so magnificent Sonic X reference that everyone likely lost their shit over, and it doesn’t translate well to live action. Then again, the animators for this film don’t seem to be good at their jobs, so it just comes off looking really dumb. I think this part only got guud when Knuckles starting screaming in anger. Btw, the dialog in this fight is ass.

Also… fuck, I didn’t think I’d say this… but I REALLY hate the voice direction they gave Elba. He makes Knuckles sound like he has a speech impediment, like he can’t give a line without sounding a little muffled. He comes off sounding like the “dumb muscle” I predicted he would be in the film. He’s fine with his battle cries, but regular speech? Fuck no!

What a waste of Elba’s talent!

In other clips, I could’ve sworn Fowler took my version of the character and flanderized him tbh. Still hate how he looks, they’re all stuffed animals at this point.

But man, does Jimbotnik NOT make this shit easy to sit through! He’s CONSTANTLY trying to be funny! “Do you have the Quill to live!?” This is awful! What’s with the shitty puns!? How do people like this version of Robotnik!? It’s so cringy! All the while, SLOWLY walking his way to the Shrine to steal the Master Emerald. So Sonic notices this and tries to warn Knuckles instead… of…. using his quicksil- no wait, Knuckles can actually keep up with him now. Ok lets give him that. BUT NOT THIS!!!

Knuckles turns his big ass around to see Jimbotnik stealing the emerald, and starts pissing and moaning.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND!

Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggh! They cucked Knuckles too! I can’t, for the life me, visualize Knuckles EVER saying this to anyone!

BUT HERU! It makes perfect sense for Knuckles to think of Robotnik as his friend! Afterall, he lives on Angel Island, isolated from the rest of the world! it makes sense for him to be lonely! Afterall, Robotnik is the first other person he’s ever interacted with on the island, so it’d make sense for him to see him as a friend! ALSO, he’s jealous of Sonic’s freedom and lifestyle that allows him to have a lot of friends!

It makes sense for YOU, maybe, but because the Genesis games have no dialog or on the nose characterization, you honestly have to fill in the blanks yourself. This choice dialog just makes him sound like a simple minded creature. Like a Child! Everyone was hyping up Knuckles to be this big badass like they always wanted after 20 years of character assassination by that piece of shit Iizuka, but if he’s this damn soft, Fowler has failed to even GRASP what the hell is wrong with this interpretation! If all people care about is his fighting ability, then Sonic Fans are even more shallow than the MCU whores that claimed Thor Ragnarok was the best Thor movie!

A lot of reviews I’ve watched described Knuckles as constantly spouting shit about “honor”. If he had something like “this is dishonorable” or some shit like that, THAT WOULD BE FINE! This shit just makes him sound like a whiny little pussy! Nevermind the fact that he doesn’t even bother to use that damn boulder to knock his ass out!

So Jimbotnik goes on this long winded tirade about how stupid Knux was for trusting him, going on about how beings of higher intellect would see this coming sooner (so yeah, he IS just an idiot in this movie). But this goes on for…. LITERALLY 50 GODDAMN SECONDS OF TOTAL MONOLOGGING FROM JIMBOTNIK! 50 fucking seconds!

See, here’s what chaps my ass. Quite of a few of you dudes (who likely aren’t reading this anymore so why am I referring to them?) got on my case about characters acting stupid so that the plot can progress in the way the writers want it to, using all the Jojo pics I used as your argument talking about how Kakyoin could’ve used his stand to mind control people to do his bidding as a “smart use of his abilities”. Because you know… standing in front of a bomb on a boulder that wasn’t even deactivated is… totally justifiable. Tell me… both Sonic and Knuckles have displayed the abilities of super speed in this one fight. And… these 2 have had 50 whole ass seconds to stop Jimbotnik from going “DOOKIE” (ugh) and snatching the Master Emerald. So… while he was laughing like an idiot, Sonic couldn’t Quicksilver this shit? Or Knuckles couldn’t THROW THE FUCKING BOULDER HE HAD!?

50 seconds, that’s more time than you’d have to parallel park on a driving test! What the fuck kind of excuse is there to not use your abilities in smart and intelligent ways!? Oh that’s right, both these versions of Sonic and Knuckles are goddamned IDIOTS!

Next is the Super Sonic scene, and again, the CGI is really bad as Sonic just looks out of place (I’m with the critics, this movie should’ve been animated), and his facial animation just looks HORRIBLE in Super form. Idk how to describe it, but you know those old black and white Steam Boat Willy/Felix the Cat looking cartoons with all the exaggerated hyper silly animations they used back in the day? Or…. Cuphead lookin shit? It just looks that bad to me! And jeez, does Ben Schwartz NOT do Super Sonic justice, he sounds like a dork pretending to be threatening. I think people just had really low standards when they went out of their way to praise this guy. But there are 2 things that get me.

Jimbotnik actually says “There are good people on both sides“. You mean to tell me that the Anti-Woke mother fuckers online did not see this and think “WAS THAT A RIP ON TRUMP!?” Cause you know the Internet is filled to the brim with hyper sensitive conservatives that LOVE them some Trump! Plenty of that shit going on when Shao Khan talked about making Outworld great again. Why is that the shit that we give other, BETTER movies (like the recent Batman film, it’s actually pretty good), we overlook when it comes to Sonic? Or maybe people fell asleep before this part came around, which I can buy.

Next is this.

Oh it’s like that!? Ok! We’re not friends! LATER HATER!!!

*sighs*

You see… it’s at this point… that I no longer question my sanity… and just desire to analyze the brain space of every single person that continues to praise this version of Robotnik. This is not fucking Robotnik. This is just people…. masturbating to Jim Carry because he made some sob stories about his… retirement or… something. But this? This is fucking terrible! Robotnik took his losses SERIOUSLY! He would have temper tantrums, he would curse Sonic’s name after having his plans ruined once again. If it’s one thing Robotnik hates, it’s fucking… LOSING!!!

Here!? Jimbotnik doesn’t take this seriously at all! He’s just like “Oh dude, you trashed my robot! So uncool, bro!” The fuck kind of mental gymnastics did you guys perform when it came to kissing Jim Carry’s ass!? Actually, no. This isn’t Jim Carry’s fault. He (I guess) was just eager to do more comedy shit. This is the fault of the fucking studio who, as always, doesn’t give 2/5s of a damn about the source. Those cocksuckers just saw chedder and went Arsenio Hall on the sequel. This is the studio telling you that they have no respect for who and what these characters were. We just get these caricatures based off of exactly… ONE aspect of the characters (Robotnik’s goofy laughter during and after Sonic X, Knuckles getting tricked in so many games, Sonic…. actually, this is a brand new fuck, I don’t know who this Sonic is), and write the whole character around that one aspect. The fact that people (the fans) are ok with this version of the character shows that these guys didn’t give a fuck about Sonic in the first place. They just like the fact that Jimbotnik is funny and zany. That’s what’s so damn great about his “performance”.

And that’s saying a lot. I’ve started noticing a lot of reviewers (especially on Youtube) talking about how they don’t care about the source material and how well the productions live up to them, as if they’re higher than those who do. This goes into the “toxic positivity” shit by (indrectly) insinuating that people who DO care about the source material will never be able to enjoy adaptations of anything Hollywood, network television, or Streaming services decides to make. This “somehow” gives them more credibility because it allows them to judge the films on their own merits and not due to how well they live up to the source material. It sounds fine on paper, but then most of them end up hating the movies anyway because they’re just shit. So it ends up being a cheap shield against criticism against their own review. It also could be that they have no attachment or nostalgia for the source material so they honestly have no choice but to judge them on their own merits, and that’s perfectly fine, but most of them still have that holier than thou mindset. “I can safely review this shit without baggage!

Here’s the problem with these insinuations.

I cannot, for the life me, ever recall an adaptation ever produced that has ever faithfully adapted the source material 100%. Maybe Watchmen did, but I’ll never know since I never read that comic. But when reviewers talk about this, they NEVER use examples before making assertions that shit in the source material would only appeal to fans of that source material, and not a mass movie going audience. You know why? Because most of the time, these are assumptions. We just say “shit has to be changed for film” simply because studios ALWAYS make changes for films regardless, not because they were the right moves to make, but because it’s just what Hollywood does. You know how many SHITTY adaptations came out over the years that remained shit regardless of how many changes they made!? How did you all like Batman and Robin? The recent Morbius movie that came out? The original Super Mario Bros. Movie? The Last Airbender?
Here’s the thing. The quality of the movie is not determined by accuracy to the source material, that much is true. That doesn’t mean you should change every single aspect of the source material to fit your movie. There’s plenty of shit that can work as is, but Hollywood never has any “confidence” in the source material to keep it 100 (which begs the question of WHY they would adapt shit they never have confidence in). What if the source material is… perfectly fine? NOPE! Change it anyway!

And even if that is the case for Sonic (lore wise)…. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP CHANGING THE GODDAMN CHARACTERS!?

There’s a lot of shit I let slide in the MCU in terms of concepts and lore because sure, a lot of it is confusing (Falcon’s bird Telepathy replaced with a stupid drone, for one), but the thing that constantly chaps my ass is this insipid need to change the characters, and… NEVER for a good reason! Often, these changes are made to make the characters FUNNY! Why!? This is why the MCU became shit because no single character, outside of Thanos (praise Amma) was allowed to be serious! But Starlord, Ant Man, even Captain America, and ESPECIALLY THOR were all fucked up to turn them all into cheap jokes, and that speaks to a general lack of respect for the source material in general. There’s nothing wrong with any of the characters I listed that would be off-putting for the movie going public!

So when I see Robotnik in the games (PRIOR TO SONIC X), I see a guy who thinks highly of himself, marvels at his own genius and his family, but has a massive problem with DEFEAT at the hands of Sonic the Hedgehog. This has been consistent in practically ALL of his appearances, HE DOESN’T LIKE TO LOSE! He gets rip shit pissed when his plans come crashing down around him! He doesn’t take defeat well! Even in everyone’s (conveniently) precious AOSTH, this is maintained

THIS DOES NOT NEED TO BE CHANGED!

So when he gets his ass kicked by Sonic… he doesn’t take it seriously at all! He just blows it off like “Oh well, you kicked my ass! LATER HATER!” He treats it like a joke! He doesn’t care! He doesn’t see this as anything to be broken apart over! He had ultimate power at the palm of his hands (I assume), had this giant robot that looks nothing like him (Logic loses to fanservice!), and was about to get his revenge on that meddlesome Hedgehog, but then he goes Super, trashes his robot, and knocks him over…. AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK! He’s just like “well, whatever I guess! See you in part 3 when I’m fat!

I’ve seen videos of people saying how Shitshow 2 gets Sonic characters right, yet THIS SHIT right here tells me those guys are morons who don’t know shit about the series! This is NOT Robotnik! This is just Jim Carry in a red jacket! It blows my mind how people can look at this version of Robotnik and say “This is just fine“! This is the worst mental gymnastics I’ve ever seen performed by the fandom because they’re only interested in the SUCCESS of the movies!

But then I had a thought that… maybe the fans don’t really care about Robotnik either. To them, he’s just some asshole to beat up on. He’s not really important, and I believe it’s exclusively because he is, indeed, human.

There’s been a debate for years that’s, unfortunately, resurfaced as a result of this piece of fuck sequel about the… “validity” of humans in the Sonic franchise. Many proclaim that they do not belong on some…. unidentifiable basis, and others are on the opposite end because they’ve existed in the series for years. It’s a debate I’ve stayed out of because… well, I just didn’t give a damn. I’ll take anything over those goddamn wisps.

The thing is arguing over whether or not humans belong in Sonic is a moot point. Robotnik is a human, he’s been there since day one, and if you take humans out of the equation, you also have to take out Robotnik or make him into a robot himself (an option I don’t think people would mind). You’d also have to change the entirety of Shadow’s backstory, and too many people love it too much to bother. That human connection is what made Shadow a compelling character, and because Iizuka is a hack, the only thing interesting about Shadow now are his powers and “edge” that people also hate. The problem with arguing against humans is that you’re going against the series primary antagonist, and that’s not gonna go anywhere.

That said, I personally don’t think the argument is about whether or not humans belong in the franchise, but perhaps subconsciously, it’s about whether or not people find those characters interesting, and that’s where the real problem comes in. Outside of Robotnik, the only other prominent human characters in the series come from an overrated anime (Chris Thorndyke), and a religiously scorned game (Princess Elise). Both of these characters are despised for separate reasons unrelated to their species, whether one constantly takes the spotlight or the other needs to die for a ship. Most can agree that they don’t find these characters to be particularly compelling, mainly because they don’t do shit of particular note, and they have boring designs. People can argue all they want, but the most appealing characters in the sonic series are going to be the Mobians. They’re the ones with the cool and elaborate designs, as well as the interesting powers and abilities. They’re the main draw to Sonic. You can look at fanart all the time, they’d rather turn Maria into a Mobian than to keep her human. You’re not gonna see Robotnik, Chris, or Elise amongst the fan art community.

And not just as characters, but also as a concept. A world comprised almost exclusively of Mobian characters is going to be more interesting than a world comprised mostly of humans as you get more distinctive and easily identifiable characters and universe along the way. It’s more immersive, more compelling, and gives the series a unique and distinctive world compared to one with “boring” humans. I’m pretty sure the target audience (ugh) would also find the Mobians more interesting than the humans.

This isn’t just for Sonic either. Any franchise that focuses on non-human entities will often have those non-human entities as the selling point. The humans often only exist to try and ground the world in a sense of realism, or be filler for those non-human entities. In other words, they’re just padding. The human element is not the draw, and for many, they get in the way. You can blame Hollywood for not doing shit with them other then be annoying and have personal problems and characters arcs that are unrelated to those non-human entities. This is probably the reason the Legendary Godzilla films don’t suck nearly as much as most other Kaijuu films as the human plots are honestly less about their personal lives and more directly related to the Kaijuu themselves. Unlike the Bayformers films that only use the humans are shitty filler when people just want to see the Transformers. It takes more imagination to create non-human entities and focus plots on them than it does to have forced relatable human characters take up all the runtime, ESPECIALLY when there’s jack shit that’s compelling about them. This is likely why everyone says shitshow 2 is better than the first because it involves more actual Sonic content than it does a bullshit road trip with Tom and his Raccoon infested shit shack in the middle of nowhere. And to be honest, most of the human characters (and these days, that includes Robotnik)… kinda suck. There’s nothing compelling about any of them, and since the series has devoted itself to being another overblown bout of Bathetic nonsense, there’s even less reason to include them.

So in a sense, I can see why people would argue against humans, they just don’t frame their arguments in the correct sense and come off as people who “know better” than the actual fans who’ve stuck with the franchise.

On the other hand….

Now this is just me personally, but I think those that argue in favor of humans are really arguing for the validity (and quality) of the games that include them, those being SA1-2, Shadow, 06, and Unleashed. These are the games that people tend to shit on the most, unfortunately. With the exception of Robotnik, humans lack prominence in the series overall, which would give way for one to question whether or not they’re actually necessary. A massive human presence has never been needed for the series to be enjoyable. That said, their presence does not detract from a game’s quality, lets just make that clear.

But whatever. The Argument should never have been about whether human characters belong. It’s about whether or not they’re compelling characters. And in the Sonic series, overwhelmingly, they are not. They simply exist to give the audience a character to relate to, and the audience has shown time and again that they simply do not give a fuck about relatable humans when they have a 2-tailed Fox that can fucking fly. This, I believe, is why the fandom generally doesn’t give a fuck about Robotnik is portrayed. To them, he’s just some asshole to beat up on, much like Wily is to Mega Man fans. They’re just the villains you fight.

Personally, I think this needs to change.

Robotnik is in battle against cosmically powerful beings, he should be elevated to a point where he can be taken as a serious threat. This is what makes Unleashed great imo as it has Robotnik defeating Super Sonic! That’s awesome! Otherwise, he’s honestly a joke, and no one would care that he’s the primary antagonist because so many Sonic characters are overpowered as shit. He’s nothing, he’s just fodder half the time. Get Shadow or Silver in there, and they would dust his fat ass like it’s nothing.

But alas, people want funny stupid Robotnik. Thus Jim Carry’s version gets validation for being a fool. Oh well. I miss Julian…..

OH BOY!!! New Sonic Cartoon with Canadian voice actors!? HELL YEAH! Ocean Dub was always superior to Funimation! OH SHIT SON! Sonic has a new BLACK VA that’s sure to piss off the internet! I can’t wait for them twitter meltdowns!!

….. FUCK!

Well that was completely underwhelming. I thought y’all said RCS was getting shitted on by Netflix, dis new fool sounds no different! LITERALLY!

I’m getting real tired of “teasers” from Sega. It’s like getting full fledged trailers for anything not made by paramount is a sin or something. 2 Teasers for Frontiers, and another for Prime. None of which give a clear, concise picture of exactly what we’re getting. Probably something to do with a lack of confidence. They’re confident in a glorified emulator with shitty DLC, but new shit!?

And… this dialog. “I know what you’re thinking! I’M GOOOOOOOOD! ANd powerful apparently! Jealous!?” I’m gonna get some shit for this… but… can we get some black writers to do Sonic’s dialog!? I don’t know who’s writing his shit now, but they have no concept of being “cool”. Lets hyper analyze this bullshit.

I know what you’re thinking! I’M GOOOOOOOD!

First of fucking all, WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THIS!? “I’M GOOOOOOD!“. This is the corniest shit I’ve ever heard muttered out of the mouth of a character with only a vague idea of what cool means! Maybe he’s just being funny or douchey, but this and the delivery just comes off awkward.

“And Powerful, Apparently!”

Apparently!?” What, you don’t know!? 😛 And… why would the other guy be thinking this? If you delivered an ass whoopin lethal enough to scar a mother fucker for life, it wouldn’t be no apparent, it would be “obviously!” And hey! What happened to the days when Sonic bragged about his speed!? It’s a little off since he’s talking about his “power”. Dat Shitshow influence, I’m telling yah!

“Jealous!?”

Eh, I’ll let that slide.

I kid though, this honestly isn’t enough to go on, but from little we got, I don’t particularly have high hopes. It might just be another comedy show like Boom but with better aesthetic design. The shape of Sonic’s head looks a bit weird, but it’s not a big deal.

But I’m serious when I say I’m sick of teasers. I need some fucking trailers, goddammit. Hell, at this rate, you might as well get Stondie as the voice of Sonic since no one cares how these characters sound anymore.

……. You know….

So I uh… got into a rather moronic argument over (you guessed it)… Shitshow 2.

As I’m a stubborn fuck who absolutely refuses to be swayed by hype alone, I often come across redundant statements made by people who usually have no other argument to come up with. “You don’t like anything” is an oldie but a goodie. I suppose I’ll have to get used to that with age and the declining quality of entertainment, but primarily as a result with the shit that the vast majority of people choose to be enamored with which also happens to be things I despise about pop culture.

You have poor taste” is another one I’ve come across, often because nowadays, I tend to enjoy more obscure shit that people have never heard of. I will often put Treasure Inc. far and above the likes of Platinum Entertainment simply because their games have longevity (and local multiplayer) whereas the latter’s titles require an extended break as their games can be finished with relative ease and, with the exception of MGR and Transformers, offer little more than what a standard AAA experience does. A campaign and little else. Nothing against them, but Treasure just has better shit in my eyes. I suppose I could be accused of hypocrisy here as I’ve made a habit of claiming the same for others, but hell, considering the shit most people are into these days, you’d be hard-pressed not to find any truth in the claim. 😛

But one statement (or rather a question) that often comes up, chaps my ass to no end, and did so for Shitshow 2 in particular is… “Why can’t you be happy?“. Because you know, just as the Sonic fans wanted, Hollywood has validated the existence of Sonic. They’ve proven that Sonic has value, and as such, Sonic is finally back in the spotlight! “Why… isn’t that what you’ve wanted!? For the object of your fandom to be in better health!? To once again be mainstream!? To be a little respected!?

… Perhaps I did 10 years ago when people still demanded substance from their entertainment. Because yes, I did make those statements if not something along those lines. Of how Sonic needs to once again be mass market instead of this piddly niche of the watered down joke that it (still) is today. I should’ve told myself to be careful what I wished for because I might get the shit. Sure I would be happy… if I was of the strict R.O.T. (Results Orientated Thinking) mindset, and if Sonic didn’t suddenly become popular in an era where the bar has been set so apocalyptically low that the Devil has a firm grasp on it and is not willing to let go. If I were to go back in time to the late 90s and told people that Sonic would be popular in 30 years by being turned into a whiny little child who cries about being lonely and not having friends while thrusting his problems onto other people who have nothing to do with him, and then turning around and telling them that they’re horribly selfish people for circumstances that Sonic himself caused, I would be kicked in the nuts 12 times.

I mean no offense when I say this… but a lot of the folks who did watch the sequel and say it’s all well and good? They said the same damn thing about the first movie… and having watched that piece of shit, I can’t pull myself to trust anyone’s reception of the films. A lot of which is exclusively steeped in comparative analysis which I find to be, if I may use the terms… unintentionally deceptive about the film’s overall quality. …No, that’s just gonna piss people off. How about… obtuse? Fuck it, you don’t get a real jist of the movie’s quality if you simply compare it to the first movie which, in this case, didn’t exactly set a bar high enough to surpass. But I suppose for me, even if the movie was good, that probably still wouldn’t be good enough for me anyway. The last movie left me with so much baggage that any future installments would just feel so tainted, and as long as they’re attached to the first film, I would resist every single opportunity to watch them. That shit offended me on every level as a Sonic fan, but what broke me was the luke warm response that told me that no one had standards for the movie (or franchise) at this point. People were telling me that Shitshow 1 wasn’t as offensive as the games or the comics… when the fucking title character was ruined beyond recognition!

But again, that told me that people were looking for something else to come from the movie. Hoping that the film’s success would “prove” to Sega the value the Sonic brand has, and hopefully do something right with the franchise after so many years of willful neglect, much like how the Transformers Fans put up with so many stinkers from Michael Bay simply so they can get more Transformer content, not like Transformers was hurting in that department with all the Beast Wars, Armadas, and Energons on tv before 2007. But it told me that Sonic fans were now desperate. They want actual quality from the games, but were convinced that Sega saw no value in the brand because of it’s poor performance over the years (not that they decided to ignore longtime fans in favor of 3-5yo’s because they’re “easier to sell to and require less work to please”, thus the quality of the games reflect this, not the lack of value), so everyone’s banking on the success of the movies to prove to Sega that “hey, there IS value in Sonic”, and the most we’re getting out of that success is another Retro Collection with the most obnoxious DLC ever known to mankind, a piss poor remake of a piss poor Wii game, and an “open zone” Zelda knock off helmed by Ian Flynn.

What is there to be happy about? The R.O.T. is here, and these are the results! R.O.T. is the mentality of “I don’t care how you do it, just do it!” All that matters are results. You don’t take anything else into account so long as the intended results are achieved. Like… oh idk, crafting a certain narc within the span of 2 seasons to expediently wipe out a plagas in order to save the economy, but in turn giving people heart problems and a dramatically reduced life span? In this case, the intended result being that Sega takes Sonic seriously without taking into account the possibility that they’ll look at the movies and figure the nonsense that’s in them is “exactly” what Sonic fans want, and thus all Sonic media going forward would reflect the movies. Sonic would be turned into a whiny turd that Tails would be ashamed of ever looking up to, Amy would second guess her tastes in men, and Knuckles would still be too stupid to realize he’s not worthy of being a rival. Robotnik would lose weight and be even more flanderized than he is now, and no one would care because he’s voiced by Troy Baker and talks fast and zany like.

It’s kind of an obnoxious question, “why can’t you be happy”. Happiness isn’t exactly a choice, it’s a state of being. You don’t just flip a switch and automatically be all jolly in the ass. That’s not how emotions work. It’s like when people were asking why I couldn’t be happy for Andrew Garfield’s return in Spider-Fan 3. It’s all well and good that he’s back in the suit since he, not Toby, actually WANTED to come back, but the problem is he and Miguire are just supplemental material to boost the absolute worst Spider-Man we’ve ever had in film! The movie isn’t about them, it’s about Tom Holland’s justification for being able to find work in the fucking Uncharted movie as Nathan Goddamn Drake. Andrew Garfield got screwed out of his OWN series, and the best we can do is have him as window dressing for Iron Boy. That’s a slap in the face, and if he ever DOES get his series back (which I WOULD be thrilled for, don’t get me wrong), people will exclusively attribute this to Disney and the MCU giving him that opportunity, thus an unwarranted indebtedness and credibility to Disney and Kevin Feige , the hack jobs who RUINED several Marvel characters in attempts to appease LCDs and China! People will be screaming for them to save the X-Men and bring back Hugh Jackman just so Deadpool 3 can have that crossover while simultaneously ruining both characters. And what people fail to realize is that the cameo blowout of Spider-Fan 3 will tell Disney that they don’t need quality, they just need cameo fodder to sell tickets. Thus we will get LOWER QUALITY MOVIES, and you fuckers would still say they’re the best things to happen because the X-Men can be ruined in the MCU now!

No I can’t be happy for this shit! One, because these films are clearly not made for me or peeps like me, thus I cannot share in, or be a part of, the celebration of it’s success. Two, because of it’s success, I strongly believe we will never get more epic and grandiose stories as we’ve had before as it informs Sega that watered down pussy Sonic is exactly what people want.

I’ve brought up Sonic Adventure 2 so much that using it constantly as an example is getting old even for me, but that speaks to how influencial that game was for me. It set a benchmark for how much better Sonic content can be, going beyond the tiredness of AOSTH. Shit like SA2 is stuff you could only get from the comics and (good) cartoons while the games were stuck in spinoff land for the better half of the 90s. My favorite game will always be Sonic CD, but SA2 in particular showed that… Sonic could be more than just the simple perception of a “juvenile cartoon hedgehog with a penchant for blowing up stupid looking robots”. That Sonic can have epic, out there, big idea stuff. That it can have engaging and dramatic stories that leave an impact on you even after the credits roll. Sadly, this only seemed to be the case for SA2 as future installments were watered down. Sonic Heroes was considered to be as corny as a Oprah afterschool special, and we all know what happened with Shadow and 06. While the latter had a much grander scale than SA2, the writing just didn’t work. Even so, there’s more work put into the lore than what we’re getting today. I wouldn’t trade that in for quips and jokes, but for some reason, poor execution gives people the impression that the ideas “just don’t work” rather than “whoever did this doesn’t work”. That’s why people think you can’t have a Justice League movie without spending 5 years making shitty prologue films to establish the movie beforehand. As if people actually like any of the Avengers characters outside of Iron Man to care about getting attached to the entire team.

I suppose most of my anger comes from the fact that the things I valued from this franchise are pretty much invalid at this point, and I’m likely to never get that shit back as they will be considered factors as to why Sonic was held back from “greatness”. All that shit about how “Sonic can’t be taken seriously because it’s a cartoon hedgehog”, you know, all those irrational arguments people made about what doesn’t work in Sonic exclusively as a result of 06’s failure? Well because the movies (practically) patterned themselves after the comedy decade with even more cringe humor, those complaints will be seen as fact. I’m still trippin from that article demanding that Sega stop making Sonic games and focus on the movies simply because the movies are doing better (Dat R.O.T. at work.). Nevermind how movie goers typically have bad taste and would push the Secret Life of Pets to the #1 spot in the Box office while we mindlessly blame kids for that. Not every kid wants to see every kids movie that comes out, sometimes the PARENTS think it’ll make for good bonding time with the family, yah close minded fucks. If kids just liked every damn thing in the world, they wouldn’t be facing obesity in America with all the veggies they’d scarf down, nevermind all the Winnie the Pooh movies that bombed, or all the Sonic games that bombed for the last 17 years. Fuck, I got all these mini-rants going on.

What I’m trying to say is… there are things I want and expect out of this franchise, and I’ve been denied that for far too goddamn long. The closest thing I’ve gotten was Sonic Forces, and that was for all intents and purposes a mediocre entry. The excuses are constantly spouted because people have a vested interest in Sonic being turned into something else entirely. “It’s for kids, so fuck off and do some knitting or something”. It’s arguments like this that cause me to wonder why Sonic still has so much appeal to the people that are now in their 30s. And that’s because, much like any outsider looking in, they don’t understand Sonic at all.

A lot of people talk about the gameplay of the old Sonic games, but they don’t understand what that gameplay brings to the table because they don’t understand the concept of “freedom” in videogames. They base all of their standards from Mario games as the benchmark for platformers, and find old Sonic gameplay to be weird and frustrating. But because of their limited perspective, they will never be able to… well, for lack of a better term, “appreciate” what that gameplay offers. Freedom. Freedom from conventional gameplay restrictions, freedom from stressful situations. The overall ability to…. “have fun in a different way”. That’s what Sonic truly was. Freedom from conventional gaming. Being able to blast through levels without a care in the world is a completely different experience from yesteryear with games that demanded precision reaction time. A reprieve from constraints. When Nintendo fans looked at Sonic, they saw nothing but dizzying movement and danger just from moving so fast. But to us, we were being liberated.

Sonic games represented a total sense of freedom and liberation from conventions. Within just the mere gameplay of Sonic, you had the sense that nothing could stop you. You could go anywhere, face any sort of danger, and dare every single dare without the fear of death. This is why I criticized the gameplay of Sonic Mania, that team just completely missed the point of Sonic. But hell, it’s also why people criticize the 3D games because all the fake variety that was shoved in forced all of these constraints on what people really wanted to do in Sonic.

Beyond that, the content also spoke to this level of freedom. The Game Industry has this very narrow minded view of Anthro franchises in that they have to be strictly looney toon esque. Sonic showed that you can have deeper, darker plots and more engaging characters and not be stuck in that mindset that “it’s a cartoon animal, it’s SUPPOSED to be stupid”. See the thing that gets me is that Sonic was originally a trend setter for Anthros with Raditude. You likely wouldn’t have your Crash Bandicoots, your Donkey Kong Country, your Banjo Kazooie, your Spyros, your Ratchets, or your Sly’s without Sonic’s influence (Or Ninja Turtles, take your pick), but the difference was that Sonic went beyond the silly shit that all those other franchises clung to like a drug addiction. The closest you could get outside of Sonic were Star Fox and the Legend of Spyro games, but damn if the world isn’t stubborn about Anthros. The fact that Sonic went as far as it did was what kept me invested in the series. Even the spinoff cartoons and comics had this idea entrenched that “we need to do MORE than AOSTH”. All of this?




From the mindset of “Sonic has to be more than just a Cartoon Hedgehog”.

But for the last 12 years? Sonic’s become nothing more than a trend chaser. Watering down the franchise and compromising it’s overall approach to story telling and game design merely to pander to the Twitter Generation. Mindless and shameless attempts at comedy, reducing every character to a joke or a singular trait for repetitive gags, and shitty memes to plague the internet. Who needs Crash Bandicoot anymore when Sonic’s just as retarded? No wonder Crash fans have this incessent need to compare the racing games. The last 12 years was nothing but pure compromise to conventional (American) thinking. Constrained by this obligatory need to be nothing more than a Cartoon. Sonic went above and beyond to produce memorable elements that stuck with you for more than just a quick afternoon session. They used to be more mature with their material. Sonic was more than a Cartoon Hedgehog. So the idea that THIS…

… is touted as a victory for the fans? Frankly, it sickens me and disturbs my soul.

Sure we can say that “hey, Sonic is finally relevent again! It’s what we always wanted!” But in the mindless support of these movies, we never stopped to think about the cost. Never named a price. Never gave a damn so long as people got reinvested in the series again. To prove to Sega that Sonic has value. I’m starting to believe it had nothing to do with value… and had more to do with the constant criticism of Sonic being taken “too seriously” by the American public. Now if you want to blame America for any negative influence on Sonic, it was the sheer irrational response given to Sonic 06. Troubled development and buggy mechanics be damned, the story being “too serious” was the least of it’s problems, but Americans are constrained to the idea that “cartoon animals can NEVER be taken seriously”. Fuck, you had people complaining about Star Fox being too violent because the idea of animals being at war was not appropriate.

The sad thing about all of this? I know for a fact that people will be so desperate to disprove this notion of a more mature Sonic by looking at the 3 classic cartoons to find every instance of toilet humor (like Sonic burping a giant wave in Sonia’s face after eating a chili dog) just to say “Sonic’s ALWAYS been juvenile and silly!” Sure, but uh… you’d think we’d move past that after several years, what with better material from the Adventure games and maybe X? Certainly didn’t want to see Sonic’s gas go from the attic to the basement. But again, it’s this desire to have Sonic be indistinguishable from other Cartoon Anthros because “cartoon”. This explains the mentality behind the Sonic Boom designs quite well, that we dictate everything by the surface of what we see. The character “design” determines the character’s behavior more so than the… character’s… behavior. No wonder America sucks, we determine everything by looks. I guess that’s why Japan has better character designs, they just want the characters to look good. The personalities come second, but their designs have to be appealing first and foremost. Much as I complain about God Eater’s fashion sense not making any sense, it fits their design philosophy quite well. America and the west? “Naw fuck that! If the character is fat, they’re stupid and love to eat!” Then Crash fans wonder why Crash got passed over for Sora.

But again I ask. What is there to be happy about? The movies are just proof positive that America doesn’t see Sonic as anything other than a cartoon hedgehog, hench why the films are overblown comedies following the MCU trend of “comedy first, spectacle second, substance never”. This new found ressurgence will be for a Sonic that is only recognizable to the most shallow of audiences who cant think outside of the box and recognize potential when they see it. It is validation for the close minded pions who couldn’t leave well enough alone the idea of a Cartoon Anthro having dramatic stories, and instead curse and scream for the series to be babied up for the exclusive pleasure of people who already got their jollies from Cartoon Network. Then they’ll turn around and praise Pixar for going darker routes for their films on occassion.

Oh well. Might as well go find a decent 32X emulator since Sega will never rerelease Knuckles Chaotix. Oh look, the Genesis trilogy again! Fucking suits.

A few things I disagree with.

1. Sonic’s “edgy” designs. Some of those pieces by Oshima do infact bring out that idea of “edge” to them. I think it’s a bit of a stretch to consider all of those pieces to be “Mickey Mouse-esque”. Idk, it’s getting difficult to discern people who want actual facts from those who try their damndest to wipe away any essence of “coolness” from Sonic’s history if only to push the idea that Sonic “shouldn’t be cool”. That or Sonic Twitter still haunts me with the Naka rants on Sonic’s “cuteness”.

2. Look, I know the 32X was a colossal fuck up, but I noticed the vid didn’t exactly point out the culprits responsible for pulling the plug on it so early. If Tom believed in the 32X, he damn sure wasn’t gonna nix it, especially for a console with a $400 price tag. We also don’t hear about the retailers who refused to stock Saturns out of anger over the canning of the Genesis which contributed to it’s failure in America. Or perhaps that part of the story isn’t true either? Also, pointing out the hardware problems is pretty meaningless. If people want the games featured on the hardware, they’ve shown they’ll put up with the nonsense to get to them. All those red rings of death didn’t stop Xbox 360 from being top dog for the most part because they had shit people wanted. High failure rates of PS2 didn’t stop it from slaughtering the competition. Yeah having 2 adapters for essentially the same hardware is dumb, but so is locking a multitude of hardware features such as backing up data down to a requisite internet connection, or a multitude of games requiring a multitude of different peripheral devices. If people want really want something, they will hold their noses through nonsense to get them. Like the guy says, people only really felt burned when they found out no more games were coming.

That I can’t put on Tom’s shoulders since at the end of the day, it wasn’t his call to nix the device.

It is interesting to hear how his plan to make the Genesis successful would actually be more costly for Sega of Japan (and they were already bleeding money), so seeing how the Genesis did well while the megadrive didn’t soured their relations. The Genesis plan was really only focused on the American Market. But then I’d have to ask what the fuck SOJ was doing when the Mega Drive wasn’t performing well.

See, that’s the shit I’m trying to figure out. What the fuck was SOJ doing when Tom and the gang were left to their own devices? I get the video is focused on Tom Kalinski and the “myths behind the legend”, but at the end of the day, looking at the record, you wouldn’t know what Sonic or Sega was without the guy.

I know the video isn’t saying that Tom Kalinski’s involvement with the 32X was what led to the demise of Sega, but when he gets to the part about how it cost Sega a lot of loyal customers permanently, and led to Sega having the image of… well… “con men”, there’s a certain implication there that’s difficult to escape. A mangled reputation like that can certainly lead to their demise, and hell, maybe it was the case. Retailers certainly didn’t like Sega for a while. But.. you know, that’s mostly on SOJ all things considered.

That and…. the market was certainly saying they wanted the 32X, so again, maybe Tom was onto something that those oh so righteous game developers didn’t want to admit to.

But whatever. Wanna say the guy isn’t perfect, that’s absolutely fine. No one is perfect, not even Koji Igarashi (Sonia Belmont is WORTHY of being canon, goddammit!). But I think writing him off as a mere salesman does little more than belittle what he’s actually done for Sega. At the very least, he put them on the map, and everything we know and love (or hate) about the company came from that contribution.