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Cape Shit 6 (Contrived War)

Well that was a landslide vote. ­čśŤ

Not gonna bother with an intro paragraph, lets just get on wit it. And yes, this is Infinity War I’m talking about. 

Based off of Part 1 alone, you only really need to watch the Cap and Thor trilogies. Maybe Guardians 1, though that would be advocating torture. Literally, everything else can be skipped and you won’t have missed any details. 

The film kicks off where Ragnarok ended, by having a large fight that isn’t even shown. We just get the aftermath. Poo. Thor has gotten his ass whooped again (man, for the supposed strongest Avenger, Disney sure makes him look bad in all of these movies.) Hulk also tries to show off his OP status, but eh, it’s Thanos. So he’s fucked. Thanos goads Loki into giving up the Cosmic Cube IE Space Gem (It’s so retarded the gems are hidden behind shit like this), and proceeds to kill Loki and Heimdall… sorry, Idris Elba, cause who gives a fuck what the token Asgardian’s name is. You know he was gonna die early on.

On Earth, Bruce was transported to the Sanctum Santorum where he warns Strange and Wong about Thanos and his lust for gems like some cracked out version of Lex Luthor. And ofcourse, the first asshole he reaches out to is Iron Ass.

Apparently, he got married to Pepper Potts off-screen, because apparently we were supposed to care about a relationship that developed off-screen. Strange drops by to pick him up. Stark antics ensue. Oy! We just can’t go one…. fucking movie without his horse shit, huh? While Strange and Stark show how much they hate each other, Thanos’s army of 2 guys start invading Earth!

And before you get too excited, we have the Annoying Spiderman! I admit his introduction scene was legitimately funny, but it’s in no way due to Spiderman’s input.

And… for some reason, Bruce can’t Hulk up. I guess that ass-whoopin was so bad, Hulk quivers in fear of Thanos. That being said, Stark rips off Black Panther by phasing in his Iron Man suit (Because the CGI work is cheaper? And cause white boys are copycats, fuck. Everytime I see him now, it’s gonna be “NANOMACHINES SON!”). Fight ensues. I honestly don’t know who this psychic guy is, but he tears ass on Strange, Iron Ass, and wimpy Spiderman. Strange gets captured and transported to the mother ship or w/e, and Asshole & Wimp both follow him, and Wimpy gets his now overrated Iron Spider Costume. 

Fuck that costume. They decided to blend in elements of Iron Spiderman and Spider-Armor Mark 4. Design wise. But… this is the only reason he’s in this movie,  Because fanboys just wanted to see this retarded costume in live action. Nevermind that he’s just there in the movie to placate the morons that paid to see that piece of shit homecoming movie, and validate their petty contribution to Disney viewership. 

Hulk stays behind to make a phone call while wong goes to protect the Sanctum Santorum, and then we’re randomly in space where *groans*…. the Guardians of the Galaxy are singing karaoke. Fuck, even their introduction is ass-splittingly obnoxious. They receive an SOS from Thor’s ship, and find that hilarity ensues. Thor gets rescued from the vacuum of space, recovers, and makes Starlord jealous because Gamora has more in common with Thor than otherwise. He also calls Rocket a Rabbit for some reason. Thor initiates a plan to make a new hammer (I can’t spell that shit) and search for the reality gem/aether that he left in the collector’s possession at the end of Thor 2. So they split into 2 groups.

Ok… now… this is a dumb plan and is really contrived when you get right down to it. In that fucking awful Ragnarok movie, it was explained that the hammer was merely a conduit for channeling Thor’s power which, by the end of the fucking movie, he was able to use without the hammer! But here, he needs a new one!? Character development, what’s that!? We need to make an easter egg to Ultimate Marvel! I swear, if they use Infinity War as an excuse to reboot the MCU to follow the Ultimate universe….

Anywho, after the retards have their stupid plan, back on Earth we find big tittied Olsen Witch and her freakishly human Vision who were sneaking out for a date… like they’re children or something,  and then they are attacked by Thanos’s goons. Conveniently, no civilians were in the area during the fight.

They should honestly win this fight considering how OP Witch and Vision are, but we needed an excuse for 3 weaker heroes to make their entrance. Yes folks, Captain America, Blonde Widow, and the Trump supporting Falcon have all returned,  and while Cap wasn’t shaving for football (He really IS an American hero) and Widow changes her appearance as a reference to Yelena Boliva (the other Black Widow), they got lazy and said “Fuck the Falcon!” Perhaps I didn’t notice any real change, but he had no aesthetic upgrades whatsoever. 

So they save the 2 wuv birds and go to Avengers base… I think? Thunderbolt Ross gets pissy about Cap and his allies all arriving at once and orders the paraplegic War Machine to arrest them… ignoring the fact that a fucking Alien invasion nearly took place, and another attack happened somewhere in Europe. But bureaucratic laws that weren’t yet ratified, yeah that’s real important!  Senile bastard. 

Of course War Machine ignores Ross’s orders because pff! He’s paralyzed, the fuck can he do? They could just tip his ass over and he wouldn’t do nothing about it. Hulk also arrives, contributing nothing to the plot besides exposition, and the gang deciding that oh shit, the mind stone makes Vision a permanent target to attacks, so it’s best to yank that shit out and hide it better. Or better yet, Vision could remain permanently phased so that no one can touch him. Literally would solve everything until Thanos comes around with his bullshit, but we need the heroes to be idiots about this because dammit, we need to fuck up Wakanda to stave off the sting of Black Panther’s success.

Speaking of which, how often are they gonna reference White Wolf? It’s really irritating! T’Coona tells Bucky to get off his ass, it’s time to fight. Buuuut right after we finally get back to Dr. Strange who is getting the worst acupuncture treatment ever. Iron Cunt and Spider bitch both concoct a plan to save Strange via blow up a wall to suck out nameless wizard, and that Iron Spider Costume gets shilled hard in this scene. 

How can anyone like that ugly ass Iron Spider Costume is beyond me. It’s insulting that they mixed it in with the Spider-Armor Mark 4, literally everything special about Spiderman is given to Iron Ass. Fuck, did I mention that already!? I had no idea how infuriating this is!

And to drive it all home, Iron Ass proceeds to act like a child and gets into another pissing contest with Strange. 

Your head is too big for that helmet” HA!

And to drive that point even further how much Iron Ass eats a dick, he suggests “taking the fight to Thanos”

Ladies and gentlemen,  here is pure proof that Tony Stark is indeed the absolute worst character in the entire MCU. He is suggesting…. that instead of keeping an Infinity Gem far the hell away from Thanos’s crazy ass, you take it to him thinking you can actually fight him! Lets review. Early on in the movie, you had 3 decent fighters on Earth. Iron Ass’s  deus Ex tech could’ve analyzed fight patterns and power levels to find the best strategy possible of beating 2 generals. A rookie like Spiderman held his own against the likes of Captain America, Falcon, and Winter Soldier, and found the solution to defeating Giant Man. Plus Spidey Sense is just OP. And Dr. Strange was clearly buffed to god-like status just so he isn’t shitty like he was in his origin movie.

AND YOU ALL GOT RAPED BY 2 GENERALS! 

Clearly, Tony Stark, world super genius, was mentally impaired by those early chest pieces because he isn’t thinking at all. If you all got whooped by 2 mere generals that should’ve been chump change, you have no chance against a person they are choosing to follow! Especially one that made both Thor and Hulk, The Top Tier most powerful Avengers, his hoes. Hulk got his manhood cucked. This is literally unthinking! The odds are stacked against you!

Dr. Strange was fucking captured! That alone says your odds are terrible! 

Oh don’t give me that “well Thanos is gonna keep chasing them no matter what! So why not go and fight him now?” Because they’ll fucking lose! And you want to bring an Infinity Gem with you, mother fucker!? You’re just giving him freebies!

MCU Iron Man is a goddamn idiot! And his conceit only makes him more unbearable. But we’ll cave into his insanity because Disney wants to shill this asshole for all his worth. Seriously, has he ever been useful in any fight that wasn’t

A: His own creations?

And

B: His own allies?

or just making shoddy repairs!? This is the same retard that wants to take the fight to a guy who steamrolled Hulk! Prep time, mother fucker, do you use it!?!?!?

Anywho, the Guardians track down Thanos to the space mines from Guardians 1 where he killed the collector and took the Reality Gem. After scaring little children by turning Mantis into blinking springs, this movie wants to insult my intelligence in believing that Starlord and Gamera had any real chemistry outside of some interracial sex. Early on, Gamora made this retard promise to kill her if Thanos caught her because she’s the only person who knows where the Soul Gem is. Starlord tries to shoot her, but makes bubbles instead. *Snicker* dumbass. You really thought Thanos was gonna let you shoot his own daughter? 

So he gets away, basically interrogates Gamora through guilt trips (that didn’t make any sense, I know) and generally scares audiences everywhere by saying his plan is all population control. 

…..what?

Yeah. Apparently Thanos cares about overpopulation in a massive fucking polyverse! How big is space!? We don’t know! But shit! Billions upon billions of planets that span multiple galaxies…. is too small! I…. amma! This has to be the most contrived load of shit I’ve ever heard in my life. 

Originally, Thanos had become obsessed with Death. Not the concept, but an actual entity. … with boobs. Yes folks, pussy was the entire motivation for Thanos’s genocide. And I know most of you have played the Deadpool game, yes that death. Same one that Thanos wants to tap… prefers Deadpool instead. Kinda like the box office, hehe.

Yeah, that just wouldn’t look good on a script, so instead Disney plays the role of  a Malthusian Illuminati group and expresses their desires through Thanos. This is why Thanos’s plan can be inherently retarded, but movie goers would still think he’s on some deep logic… because movie goers are idiots. 

Moving on, he tortures Nebula (I keep forgetting this woman exists, she does nothing in all of these movies) to force Gamora into revealing where the Soul Gem is…. and they go to this place to be greeted by the Red Skull (a contrived easter egg, don’t get too excited) who tells him that he must sacrifice the one he cares for in order to get it.

bye bye Gamora, I never cared about you.

Seriously though, all the Gems up until this point were just hidden amongst different objects, now there’s a fucking test of resolve? It feels like this segment was only done to create a dramatic scene to make Thanos a morally conflicting character rather than adding to the mythos of the Infinity Gems. Cause…. what the fuck does the power to manipulate souls have anything to do with sacrificing a loved one!? I’m not seeing the connection. 

And seriously…. Thanos is not a sympathetic character!  He is a rat bastard who would do anything for power! Man, Disney is on a roll to manipulate people into think Thanos’s population control plan is legit. Even when they have to make Thanos into a Pussy.

You know, that’s rich. Killmonger was spittin real shit in regards to liberating Black folks, but was written to be nothing more than a heartless bastard. Thanos wants fucking genocide,  but he’s written to be a sympathetic villain. Man, if they didn’t run a game on people…..

Back on Earth, the Avengers all go to Wakanda to meet with King Coon.

I always find myself going to you for help”

I think I caught a Little sub-text there, did Cap express resentment in needing Wakanda’s help? He said that like “Dammit, I gotta come back to these jungle bunnies again? Yah stupid Coal Tiger”. What? He is from the 40s. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be so negligent toward Falcon so often. Matter of fact, he doesn’t seem to notice that Bucky exists. Maybe that old age is catching up to him, he seems incredibly detached from the world around him.

Seriously, these Secret Avengers are just there! They are lifeless, unenthusiastic,  and are largely obligatory to the whole damn plot. Clear evidence that the directors didn’t know how to give attention to anyone but The Guardians because these guys are just there for the sake of continuity. You’re better off watching one of those power ranger crossovers, at least the action has less cuts.

Anywho, these idiots want to extract Vision’s Mind Gem in a way that leaves Vision alive (which is impossible because it’s his power source you goddamn fools) and conveniently enough, they just so happen to have a device for extracting Infinity Gems from robots.

Sorry, I just got a headache from that. They have, at the ready, a device for extracting Infinity Gems! What the literal fuck…..

I know I’m supposed to suspend disbelief at some point…. but now this damn movie wants me to believe the Wakandans all this time knew a damn thing about the Infinity Gems enough to prepare a device just for extracting them out of a robot’s head! Because they knew deep down that they would always need to extract gems from androids!

The Russos are probably better at keeping track of details if left to their own devices, but for Disney, they have to subject themselves to PIS and CIS for every scene, it appears. This shit is only here so that they could have a tower defense scene ala Wakandan desecration. And right on cue, Thanos’s goons attack with their army of….. holy shit, are those the snarks!? From the Power Pack!?

Anywho, they brought back Man-Ape and his ilk, because Disney is pure evil. And the war for Wakanda is on!

But  on to something more interesting, Iron Ass and his bitch crew get into a fight with the Guardians. .. and Iron Ass loses to Starlord!?

*maniacal laugh*

Ahem, not that I’m complaining but… how the fuck… did Iron Man with all his NANOMACHINES SON! Get downed by a drunken retard with Jet boots? See, again,  Iron Man ain’t worth a tit in a throw down unless he actually knows who he’s dealing with. Otherwise,  he just can’t adapt on the fly. He has no fighter’s instinct, he’s 100% reliant on his tech. And people worship this simp!? Because he’s witty!? Man, MCU fans get bought off on lip service alone. Literally. 

After that misunderstanding, we finally have the totality. The convergence of the 3 most unlikable jackasses in the MCU. Iron Man, Starlord, and Strange. 4 if you include that fucking Spiderman….. Iron Man, for a change, actually discusses tactics!  Whaaaaat!? He’s actually planning ahead!? It’s a medical breakthrough! Ironically, he gets pissed at Drax….. because he yawned. Hilarity ensues. 

Oh yeah, Thor gets his new hammer and goes  to Earth to assist the Wa-… *chuckles*

Goddammit. It’s just…. Bucky swinging around Rocket while shooting their guns…. that’s actually hilarious! This movie needs more rocket racoon.

Anyway, they (Strange’s group) waits until Thanos arrives to take his time gem, and when he does, he waxes poetic about killing everyone on his homeworld of Titan because overpopulation. And all this time, I thought it was because the other Titans shunned him for looking like Darkseid!

They all gang up on Thanos and restrain him to take his glove off, with Mantis mindfucking him. This was actually a good plan…. until Starlord proves to be a liability. Damn, the screenwriters couldn’t have telegraphed this failure anymore if they tried. Upon hearing Gamora is dead, Starlord ruins the plan by slapping Thanos silly, breaking his trance and fuckng up everything.

You know, I can’t even be mad at Starlord because you know, obviously, this nigh perfect plan had to fail for one reason or another. Still, I would’ve rather the plan go south as a Result of Thanos’s will rather than Starlord throwing a temper tantrum because now the blame for the destruction of the universe lay at his feet. You would think the Avengers Movies would give everyone equal shine, but multiple characters get shafted in favor of others, and are reduced to liabilities. It makes the characters look bad, and by the end, he won’t have a chance to redeem himself.

So Thanos starts ripping ass, and Strange stops fucking aroundHoly fuck! The magical fight sequences you wanted from the Dr. Strange movie is all here!!!

Unfortunately, he loses (Well shit, he was their best line of defense) And now it’s up to Iron Ass to….oh shit, he got stabbed!?

HAHAHA HE GONE! HE FINALLY GONE! YES LAWDZ, THANK YAH! Boy, I’m as tickled as coon at the Black Panther premier! 

My wish has finally come true! After a decade of enduring his conceited ass, he’s finally going to di-…. oh piss, he used NANOMACHINES SON!!!

GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT! !!!

He’s like a cockroach! Strange gives Thanos the time gem, and he proceeds to Earth to kick the god living shit out of the secret Avengers,  delivering to Cap his signature one punch death, and killing Vision. Now with all six gems, the universe is officially fucked. People start turning into dust….. hey, more subtext!

So, Thanos’s plan is all population control…. and the majority of deaths are centered on the Wakandans…. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

And MCU Cap must be jesus or something,  how did  he survive  a death punch from Thanos!?

Anywho, people are dying, Spiderman cries like a little bitch, and Thanos just chills. Yep, he is completely unstoppable now… unless these retarded MCU fans are trying to hype up on some rape victim as a potential champion to defeat Thanos. No, Ms. Marvel can’t beat Thanos at this point.  He didn’t lose in the Infinity Gauntlet saga, he had to willingly give up the damn glove after getting bored of being awesome.

*sighs*

You know, the Russos at least know how to make  a movie interesting. So I could definitely give them credit where that’s due. Unfortunately, this time around, it’s clear they had too much to work with. All these different characters to work with, keeping up details, story paths, at times it felt like the movie was 3 different movies at once, and they constantly flipped back abd forth during one scene,  it got annoying.

This is definitely one of those “turn your brain off” movies because the entire plot is contrived nonsense. Damn near every element sounds like made-up monkey shit greenlit exclusively for certain events to happen the way the writers want. It’s like the Russos were so hung up on these cliches that they ignored logic and character development just to achieve those cliches. After realizing he doesn’t need a hammer to use his powers, Thor goes halfway across the universe to make a new one? I must’ve missed something.

Even worse, im starting to notice that the Russos make it too easy to figure out what will happen next. They’re so telegraphed that it’s impossible to be surprised by events in the plot. Mind you, this is Disney’s fault. They wanted to drag out Infinity War as a 2 parter so a lot of the characters are just stupid and jeapordize good plans in order to fulfill that part 2 quota. But the lengths they go to move yhe plot along that path is… hokey.

Also, the Characters are still genuinely unlikable jerks. The ones that are cool get little to no screen time. This is basically a Guardians 3 featuring the Avengers (Namely Iron Ass). So ofcourse it’s hard to watch because the Character focus is on people i despise.

Thanos is now a preacher. A pretentious villain that would make Sepheroth blush. I don’t know if that’s an improvement or a bust.

On the other hand, what the previous Guardians movies failed to do, this movie delivered. It feels like an actual space adventure. So many different planets and locales, I would’ve lost my mind. And the action is is damn good. Vintage Doc Strange was actually in a movie!

It’s kinda like watching anime now. The story is mildly amusing, even if the characters are completely devoid of any appeal whatsoever, but there’s a swath of lunatics ready to shower them with unrelenting praise.

Well, now we just wait for part 2 to find some bullshit way to bring everything back, or they’ll subvert audience expectations just to feel proud of themselves for being different,  cause that worked for the last jedi.

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DC or MARVEL?

Alright, so after some extensive playthroughs of Injustice 2, I’m about ready to do an actual review,  and not just pissing and moaning about the microtransactions. 

On the other hand, I just recently watched Infinity War.

So i’m like “fuck! They’re both still fresh in my mind!” Idk, what would you guys prefer? Probably the latter since I did 3 posts on the former. ..

Because spoilers at work are difficult to avoid.

So, apparently, by the end of part 1 of Infinity War, the majority of the body count was focused largely on the Wakandan military, and Panther himself is killed. Why am I not surprised? It is Disney. I don’t suppose this is their way of saying “PSYCH NIGGAS!! Wakanda is all fucked now! We do have our white self-esteem to prop up! You two-bit coons thought we cared about your image!? HAH!”

Strangely, I hear Captain America is still alive, and a good portion of the Avengers are still intact. Ofcourse that fucker, Iron man,  lives. But the majority death toll is on the shoulders of Wakanda itself. You got this…. media craze about Wakanda being the hottest shit to exist, and they basically get fucked up anyway, using Thanos’s OP factor as an excuse.

I heard nothing about the UN mobilizing some military effort to aid their new bridges, btw. I can only guess they needed an excuse to get those Wakandans out of the way to that sweet, sweet Vibranium. Well better Thanos than a bunch of fishes like in the comics. The folks at work never explained why they were in Wakanda in the first place, but eh. They needed an excuse to see black death, and dammit they were gonna have it one way or another. 

Oh and apparently the Guardians all died save for Rocket. Something good actually does happen! Hah!

Recently, a man by the name of Eric Schneiderman has stepped down from his position as New York attorney General over allegations that he physically abused 4 women. Normally, I’d ignore that, but I found it interesting. I had heard the name before…. and this is where I originally heard it.

Around the same time, the farce to revoke Net Neutrality was postponed mysteriously. It was supposed to take effect right about now.

I ain’t trying to say shit like “women are being used as tools for agendas”, but after the Bill Cosby fiasco, and stupid Mute R.Kelly operation going on, this whole thing is suspect as hell. What stooge is going to take his place and throw out his petition? 

Not gonna touch on the story in this post, as I don’t want it to run on too long. If possible, I will discuss it at another time. But frankly, I have to get this off my chest. 

I haven’t read any commentary on this  game from any forum or blog as I just didn’t care about it. I wasn’t real big on the first game, and I admit, it was strictly for gameplay reasons. I don’t care about DC comics in general because their characters simply aren’t interesting beyond Batman and Static Shock. And maybe Teen Titans. Plus, it’s a fighting game. This is one of those exceptions where gameplay actually matters in some context. But unfortunately, not where NetherWarner is concerned, since in Injustice 2, even your gameplay options are locked behind gratuitous pay walls.

Recently, I had the misfortune of discovering “Abilities”. An element in the game that modifies the special moves a particular character has. For instance, Firestorm has an energy shield that he can turn on, which is one of those retarded RPG buffs that reduces damage for 5 seconds (sighs). If you don’t want that shit, you can give him the vaporize ability, which replaces his energy shield entirely with a move that allows you to…. disappear and not take damage. All the while, you can’t move from your one little spot, and leaves you vulnerable going in and out.

on the other hand, Canary can gain the ability to use her screams in the air. Why you can’t do it from the get go is beyond me. Swamp thing can turn his character power from planting grass to a far more useful teleport. Harley gets an additional projectile, Deadshot gets some anti-air attacks, Etc.

You see, all if the new characters. .. have bad moves from the get-go and feel very limited in what they can actually do. And… when I see this shit, I can’t help but feel that this was all intentional. Even the older characters like Flash and Arrow get some noticeable nerfs, but would eventually regain their more useful specials via RNG.

THIS…. IS…. BULLSHIT

I don’t think I’ve encountered something quite as horrendous as this. You are entirely dependent upon RNG for every crumb of this game! Even when it comes to regaining old moves that were useful, and were taken out purposely to justify grinding and farming. I stopped playing Free2Pay MMOs because of this nonsense, but Warner was literally pushing that little business practice into a fighting game.  

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The game industry needs to sever it’s ties with Hollywood. It is clear they see gaming as just a revenue stream and marketing gimmick for their movies. And it’s clear considering that Warner has some shit to promote. I don’t think we would have to stomach the likes of Green Arrow, Captain Cold, Joker, Deadshot, and several other bad character choices if they didn’t have shitty movies and tv shows to promote. And I suspect this is the same reason that X-Men characters weren’t used in MVCI. Disney didn’t want to promote Fox’s X-Men films over their MCU, which is an oxymoron because the MCU is the biggest thing in media. And every movie goer is plagued with bad taste. They will watch anything that whore house of a movie studio will produce. And considering the horse’s ass buyout, in hindsight,  it wasn’t even necessary to exclude X-Men characters. 

But the entire point of that game was to advertise the MCU and further acclimate people to Infinity War. That’s how Disney treated that game, as a marketing campaign, and by everyone’s estimate, has effectively killed this franchise. Disney isn’t interested in videogames, a part of why they shut down Disney Interactive. Every media venue outside of tv shows, movies, and merchandise is nothing more than an advertising opportunity. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the microtransaction controversy with Battlefront 2 was a little PR game Disney ran on people to say “Hey! Disney cares about gamers!” Because they know gamers are starved for validation. What greater than a monolithic organization? Because gamers were justifying every anti-consumer practice by the game industry for time immemorial, and all of a sudden, it’s now popular to hate. 

And we shouldn’t expect any better from Warner. All those guest characters that take up DLC slots for more important characters like Rain, Kai, or even Jarek, you think those were some cute ideas by thr devs because “Alien vs Predator!”, what the hell does any of that have to do with Mortal Kombat? They had horror movies coming out around the time of MKX’s release, and they knew people were excited for MKX, so why not? And that even extends to plain old vanity. Catwoman’s little super move came from the Matrix Reloaded, another Warner property. Otherwise, I would never have known Catwoman to be fond of motorcycles.

But i’ve gotten too far off-topic. A lot of these questionable design choices, they’re not coming from Netherrealm. I sincerely doubt Ed Boon would be that insidious to railroad a RPG/lootbox system into a fighting game as it presents all kinds of design flaws, especially if a character’s viability is affected by it. Either that, or he’s gone rogue like so many others. When you have an entire roster of new characters with a terrible host of specials and powers, and you have a system that rewards you better abilities randomly,  and there’s seemingly no better way to get them other than spending money, you have created a skinner box. This is a term that i’m tired of using, but that in itself is problematic because skinner boxes are far more common than before in videogames. It’s creeping up in fighting games now. Or at least the one produced by Warner as of now, and the game is practically blatant about it. You go through the multiverse and are bombarded by costume trinkets that you don’t already have, and that is done to spur you into wanting to throw down some coin to get them faster than grinding them out via loot boxes. Sony pulled the same stunt in PlayStation All-Stars by having their on-disc DLC characters and costumes pop up every once in a while in arcade mode. The difference here is that gear pieces are all obtainable in game (I think), so people are less susceptible to the scheme. 

The idea isn’t to say that they are good developers for not creating a paywall, it’s to punish you for not paying by dangling trinkets in front of you and screaming “nah nah, you can’t get me!” And don’t think for a second that it isn’t some big deal because gear is mostly cosmetic. It’s far from being purely cosmetic, but that’s aside the point. People care about appearances. They want their favorite characters to look good. And when you take away their ability to change their appearance by hiding that choice behind a lottery ticket, you are infact torturing people. You’re starving them of content and forcing them to grind for it in hopes of getting them to pay more money.

This isn’t new knowledge to anyone. This has been going on since the late 2000s,  so everyone knows the game by now. So what makes this game so special? It’s that they know there are people  (like me) who wouldn’t fall for the scheme and would likely dump the game altogether if not for AI Loadouts

In this game, there exists the option to program a character via CPU to fight all of your battles. By computing their battle programing, you can essentially go into multiverse (this game’s Weapon Master Mode) and not lift a finger as you sit back and watch as your favorites completely dominate every match they walk into. You can level up characters, gain tons of loot boxes, and get cheap and easy rewards without doing any of the work. Suddenly, you’ll have so many loot boxes, you’ll have lost yo damn mind just opening them all. The grind is a lot less tedious because you’re actually not doing any of the work necessary to farm it. Just pressing “continue” so you can steam roll the next thousand fights.

But here enlies the problem. You start losing interest in the game. Because you’re no longer playing the game, now you’re busy grinding and farming. You go into the very well hidden arcade mode, and you watch the AI pull off impossible feats, it makes you feel inadequate. Not actually playing the game and just watching the ai do all the work is simply boring to watch. But if you tried  going through Multiverse yourself, at a massive disadvantage because the lack of time you spent playing the game has dulled your skills if any. And If you’re only doing this for grinding and farming, you’re gonna have less incentive to play the game because it’s all about the gear. The trailers and promotional material all but tell you right off the bat that this game is about the goofy shit you decide to strap onto yourself. So of course, you’d be crazy to think this game was about anything else. But that idea backfires as you feel less inclined to play the game and sooner dump it than try to find anything meaningful from it. The game will play itself for you.

In short, the game tells you “don’t bother playing me, because I can play myself! You don’t want to do all this work anyway!” Something like this should dissuade people from buying anything else from Warner ever again, but we know gamers are too quick to sell their souls for entertainment. There’s plenty of hype for MK11 despite this game. EA won’t lose business despite their well known schemes, it’s why people always have a problem with them because no one takes a goddamn hint. Nintendo will literally sell people trash because no one wants to call Nintendo out on their horseshit. And fighting games will get worse and worse because the conceited FGC literally has no standards.
If the Legendary version eases that kind of pain, it’s even worse. Just have a bunch of people spittin “Can’t complain now, it’s all there!”

Oh those sweet tears

And the Nintendo fans are pretending to be upset about not getting an exclusive character. 

Sonic Mania Plus

Mighty and Ray are playable!?

Physical release!?

Sold!

Zone Ratio fix? Anything?

Scapegoated again??

Hey, you know, it couldn’t be because white folks are crazy as hell. Afterall, mass shootings are usually always committed by psychotic white guys, and…. the majority of the gaming populace is what now?

Yeah, i’d love to know why we don’t get a lot of OJ’s in comparison to all these Dylan Roof cases. Could it be because white guys are empowered via the fucked up justice system to cause chaos and disorder whenever they see fit? And not get the chair!? All the while, we can sentence a mentally disabled man to death…. for killing a police officer. 

If that’s the case, I can definitely blame RESIDENT EVIL 5 for the genocidal practices of every ethnic group against black people in the states. And LAST OF US. Because Shadow the Hedgehog made everyone afraid of Melanin. 

Go ahead and try to see through me! Do it if you dare!

Ocarina of Tedium

GRAAAAAAAH! ALRIIIIIIIIGHT! ENOUGH ALREADY! 

Where do I begin with this? Legend of Zelda, that one franchise that Aonuma fucked up years ago. I haven’t paid Nintendo any mind in so long, it feels. And the moment I start ignoring them, they come out with Breath of the Wild, and everyone is on that game’s cock. If you ask me, the only Zelda games worth a fart are #1, LTTP, Link’s Awakening, and Twilight Princess. All that other horse shit can easily be ignored.

I guess you can say that I wasn’t that big on the Zelda series. Hell, the first time I played/watched a Zelda game was Zelda 1 over a Cousin’s house back when I was a toddler, and I didn’t even know what the hell it was! And me being stupid, all we had was those Super Mario games, so the whole time I was thinking “ok, if I’m at the bottom of the screen, that means I’m walking! And anywhere upwards, i’m in the air”. And that was the only thing I knew. So when I saw this game, Zelda 1, I thought to myself “Holy shit, I can fly!” Cause you could walk up and down and… nevermind.

Since my childhood was spent on Sonic games and Pokemon, I didn’t even think about Zelda until I rented Smash Bros. from blockbuster. I saw the previews for ocarina of time, but it looked slow and boring (cause of that really horrible frame rate) and I ignored it until I played Smash Bros cause… he was one of my favorites to use in that game! Him and his Liu Kang wannabe screams, I thought this guy was fucking crazy! He got bombs and shit, and if you mashed (A), he would do some Chun-li Lightning… stab, he was fucking awesome! 

So you know, I had to check out all the shit he was from, at Blockbuster, but the only thing they had left was Link’s Awakening DX, so I played that… yeah, it was a simple, walk around and solve puzzle here and there. I didn’t have standards back in the day so I loved it. And of course Links Awakening got me all teary eyed with that damn ending. I also tried the Oracle series, but I didn’t like em as much.

So that’s when the N64 games intrigued me. Back at Blockbuster, I tried to get OoT, but that shit got rented out often. I settled for Majora’s Mask, but as I didn’t have (or even know what the hell) an expansion pak, so the game wouldn’t run. Luckily,  the next day, I could take it back and swap it for OoT.

When I first started the game, I was upset when I saw that Link was a kid. Unlike the commercials and smash, this Link was a little brat!

Anywho, I played on through the game. And similar to Link’s Awakening, it intrigued me. The game was friggin weird. You had talking trees, giant one-eyed spiders, some weird ass story of 3 naked bitches creating the world, naked fish people, some inside story where you had to buy a fish just to get into the 3rd dungeon…. see, as a little kid, figuring out what you had to do was a pain in the ass. OoT was really confusing. By the time I became Adult Link, I was at the Forest Temple, and I got stuck because of those Skeleton Knights. I didn’t know how to kill em cause I didn’t remember the bomb shit from LA. So I got stuck. Had to return it to Blockbuster. By the time I remembered that strategy, it was too late. And by that time, the Gamecube was coming out, and the N64 and blockbuster started to phase out of existence. 

And no, I never found a copy of Master Quest.

But… that was the benefit of the Wii’s Virtual Console. Being able to replay N64 games was a BIG DEAL for me! I could replay all those wonderful memories, mainly cause N64 emulation was pure shit. Unfortunately, VC jacked off to NES and SNES, so the actual offerings for N64 were a bunch of Mario games I didn’t care for… cept Tennis.

No Mischief Makers

No Chameleon Twist

No Bomberman 64

No Buck Bumble

No Goemon’s Great Adventure

No Killer Instinct Gold

No Castlevania LOD.

well, at least it had Star Fox and OoT!  I could finally finish that decade long wait! Which is unfortunate as Skyward Sword had already happened, and I wasn’t really feelin Zelda like that anymore. 

And… perhaps it made sense cause… the first half of OoT was fantastic! The rest of it was pure shit.

Seems to be a curse of Zelda games. The first half has you collecting 3 trinkets up until you get the Master Sword, but then from that point on, it’s just… work. Tedious, unfulfilling work. I tolerated it in LTTP, but that game was easy. Ocarina was just tedious and confusing. The dungeons simply didn’t feel as though they really mattered in the long run, and were just places I had to go through to complete the game. And sometimes it felt that the difficulty was a result of turning bosses into a minigame of sorts. Phantom Ganon for one was just a tedious “Point and shoot” fight where you’re rendered immobile just so you could figure out what painting that bastard was coming from. And that bongo fuck in the shadow temple was annoying, I kept targeting the bastard but every time he banged his little drum, it broke my targeting. I think, I can barely remember the fire temple. 

I had a guide for the water temple so I wouldn’t get stuck, but dark Link could fuck right off. I tried to hide my reflection on the island in the center, but he kept teleporting away! It took me 13 times to beat him!

The Shadow Temple ruined my patience. What stupidity is it that you spend a million hours trying to find that goddamn dungeon in the graveyard…. only to be informed that you need elemental arrows that aren’t even in the fucking dungeon!!! I had to leave the goddamn place just to go to some faraway lake, play some fucking song I didn’t have (I think…) get the arrows, and go all the way back through that shit, re-deads and all, just to get through a few obstacles. 

The spirit temple was dumb in it’s whole  “time switch” gimmick, but not nearly as bullshit as the Shadow Temple. 

Final Dungeon, I don’t mind. I enjoyed the final fight, but I wanted to have some epic sword fight against Ganon. Instead,  I had to play Tennis. And it was infuriating to fall down a floor from the boss and having to start that shit all over again. 

By the time I beat the game, I was  honestly frustrated. I never imagined i’d find myself hating this game. After Skyward Sword, I told myself this mythical beast the media and fanboys kept praising would be a welcome relief the insanity that befouled that shit. But alas, this ended up frustrating me as well. Not to mention I found it stupid how the game restricted your items based on your age. Why can’t I use the boomerang as an adult?

Is Ocarina of Time overrated? Yes! Yes it is! But I assume you knew my response to that. And even then, it’s not completely accurate. 

Ocarina of Time is a 90s darling. Our standards weren’t so monstrously high as they are now. Hell, we thought Mickey Mania was a good game. Similar to Final Fantasy 7, Ocarina of Time had it’s praise for being one of the most… actually, idk what the praise was back then. I never payed attention to Nintendo games outside of Pokemon, Kirby, and Starfox. Without Smash Bros, I wouldn’t give a shit. But as a child… I suppose it’s one of those experiences you don’t really forget.

Ocarina of Time oozed with intrigue. It was a dark and scary game where you fought against demonic entities as a child! The story between Link and Saria reminded me a lot of Marin and that fffffffucking ending! And for the N64, I guess having cutscenes was a big deal back then. I still get goosebumps from the nighttime fields where demons attacked under the viel of the moon. 

My complaints are strictly gameplay related, but so is everyone else’s. Everyone hated the water temple, so much so that it created a bandwagon effect similar to Sonic 06. But everyone fails to recognize that the game was flawed beyond that nonsense. But… I believe the real honest answer to that paradigm is this. Until Breath of the Wild (I guess?), Zelda fans  didn’t get any sequel that beat OoT. Wind Waker was treason, Twilight Princess was a rushed fanservice game, and Skyward Sword was pure shit. People tend to look toward the old when the new doesn’t exceed their expectations. A sequel is supposed to be better than the previous game without taking away elements that made the previous game good, but still being it’s own game. Not an easy task when gamers are so fidgety and fickle these days.

Yes, the first half of Oot was great. Yes, the second half sucks. Personally, I would just watch the cutscenes on YouTube and not bother playing it, because it simply isn’t rewarding to finish it. Story of a lot of Nintendo games, actually. 

And yeah I played Majora’s Mask. Yes, it’s much worse.

The lack of X-Men was that big of a deal breaker? I had no idea. I figured gamers were giant simps like Disney’s movie goers, and I guess Disney thought so too.

But… like with SXT, that’s another bunch of characters locked to DLC. I never had much interest in this game beyond Mega Man X, and I never got around to trying it yet, but the game did feel like one giant marketing campaign for Disney. Black Panther being DLC was such an obvious marketing gimmick to piggy back off the movie release, it was disgusting. And I guess unlike Netherrealm Studios, no one trusts Capcom with the same amount of money they hand over to Injustice as nd Mortal Kombat.

The game industry needs to dump it’s relationship with Hollywood. It’s a cesspool that only cares about exploiting audiences. Well…. so do publishers, but MvCI was such a glaring example of this.