Doing it better: Zelda Edge of Dominance Part 3

Since the Witch of the Woods is a former member of light, Link heads back to the Lost Woods. But before he enters, Malon was around the area when suddenly calls out to him. she runs up to Link and hugs him to the point of suffocation (yay comedy ships!). Mudora acts stupid and doesn’t know how she got out of the temple, and he scares the shit out her (talking swords are teh creepy.)

Anywho, they get into the lost woods, and the real fun begins. In order to find the witch now, you’d have to use the Master Sword to change the environment, kinda like how its done in Oracle of Seasons. By itself, it could affect a small area, a circle really, and at the start, you get 2 types of “Domains”. The generic fire and ice domains. In a fire domain, plants can burn away, enemies constantly take damage, and makes a good light for dark caves. Ice of course creates snow, freezes water, slows down enemies, whittles away trees, etc.

However, if you find specially marked stones, you could sheathe the sword into them and affect the whole area or specific rooms in dungeons. Knowing Nintendo, this would be some crutch to solve their retarded puzzles instead of being something cool.

So in order to find the witch’s lair, you’d have to burn away some vines deeper into the woods to find the 5th dungeon, the Kokiri Monastery. This is why Malon is around, so she can bomb some stalfos! Now, the difference with this dungeon is that you get no new weapon here, nor do you fight a boss. You just find the Witch in some chapel talking about the irony of the Kokiri being so fiercely loyal to the Gods only to be wiped out by their “chosen people”.

I forgot to mention this witch wore a hood over her head, obscuring her identity. My bad!

She turns around and tells the 2 that she spent her entire life trying to spite the Gods, and that would be to cheat death. However, all she could make where shallow redeads who still reeked of death. Though seeing Link, she feels that she finally succeeded in what she wanted. So Link just walks up to the witch (who just stands there) and takes off her hood… revealing the witch to be mother fucking Saria.

Saria, of course is all tears and hugs. Then the 3 just sit in the Chapel and talk. Saria had joined the Tribe of Light because she had an issue with warring peoples for the Gods favor. The only reason she wasn’t slaughtered was because she wasn’t in the temple by the time the Hylians raided the place. The Kokiri didn’t exactly approve of the Tribe of Light and their defiance of the Gods regardless if they had a point. So it was Saria’s little secret. But when Link died from Daphnes’s little cheat, the Kokiri didn’t know how to handle it. As the Hylians came into power, the Gods demanded them to find “worthy” peoples to safe guard the keystones that sealed away Mudora’s chambers. Saria had taken charge of the Kokiri and told the Hylians they would never accept a role from them! But the Deku thought otherwise. They were sick of living in the shadow of the Kokiri and thus made a deal with the Hylians. If they removed the Kokiri by any means, they’ll watch over the Keystone and rule the forest. So the Hylians purged the Kokiri, something that terrified the land. The Moblins became aggressive and launched attacks against the Hylians, the Goron were constantly surrounded by enemies who wanted the Keystone, the Zora became isolationist until recently, the Gerudo declared war with the Hylians, it was chaos.

Saria, being a member of that cult, had drank an elixir that prolonged her lifespan, and during that time, the only thing she wanted to do was bring Link back to life. But anytime she practiced resurrection, all she got were walking corpses. This caused her frustration and over time, she looked at the Hylians who were living well. No care in the world, and they caused the rest of the world to burn. So she invented the identity of “Witch of the Woods” and constantly attacked Hyrule with her shambling zombies, merely only to spite them and make their world a little less happy and stable.

Mudora then speaks, telling Saria that she’s wasted her time, because its the Gods that are to blame for enabling this hostile and sick environment. Well, Saria is shocked that Mudora is trapped in a sword, thought he was dead, and Mudora says it ain’t important. He wants to know if the Rito are still alive. Now, Link and Malon have never heard of the Rito before, and its because they leave in seclusion… in the skies above. They were the ones who taught Mudora magic and sorcery. They also made Saria’s robe that allowed her to fly. Calling it the Roc’s Cape. That being said, getting to the Rito will be difficult because when Mudora and the Tribe of Light disbanded and the Hylians went on their purge, they destroyed all access to their domain. They dont want them crazy ass Hylians on their doorstep! Though Malon mentions that while they were on Death Mountain, she saw a tall tower that reached to the heavens. And Mudora called it Farore’s Tower. Though it’s been deactivated by the Rito as well, having winds that could carry anyone to the top.

But hey, Saria just so happens to have a wind rune. These runes give the Master Sword new domains to utilize. The Wind rune creates a Gale domain which is an area with intense air pressure, so when Link swings a weapon/attack around, it produces a “wind wave”, or what would be a skyward strike without having to hold the sword up in the air. The boomerang can produce a wind effect like in TP. makes punches from the power gauntlets stronger and with more range. It also makes windmills spin around (only for the next dungeon), disperses fires, creates water spouts, etc.

As well, Saria joins the party, replacing Samak as the magic user.

So they head into Death Mountain, and Dagron was glad to see Link and Malon were alright, but devastated when they tell him that Darius is gone. That Ganon had slain him. Dagron knew something was fishy with him, and tells them he wants revenge. But they dont know where Ganon is now, and that they need to get into Farore’s Tower. Dagron, pissed at their lack of care, refuses to let them passed the city, however, until they agree to find a slay Ganon. Despite that, Reptos, leader of the Lizalfos, wants to help them escape. Feeling grateful for removing the source of their conflict with the Goron. He shows him a secret tunnel under the city that the Lizalfos would often use for sneak attacks in the city during their wars.

Taking the tunnel, Saria suddenly remembers her fear of heights. Link just holds her hand as they scale the mountains, pissing Malon off (Yay, triangles!)

They make it to the 6th dungeon, Farore’s Tower. So, obviously, you gotta put that new rune to use as you climb or… hover up the tower. Again, no new weapons or boss to fight, you just need to scale the tower.

Now the group reaches Cloud Roost, the floating islands high above the world. The Rito are none too happy about visitors and immediately draw their spears and arrows. THe leader of the group, Zelks, appears demanding to know how the 3 arrived. Mudora wastes no time talking. “It has been too long, old friend”. Its a good thing Zelks recognizes his voice! He tells his people to stand down as he ponders how Mudora “trapped himself in a sword”. and no, Saria doesn’t recognize him. Zelks still demands to know what’s going on, and Mudora declared that he wishes to reestablish the Tribe of Light, and finally defeat the 3 Goddesses for control of the world.

This, ofcourse, makes Link and the girls uncomfortable. They’re more concerned about Ganon, and challenging the Goddesses is a fool’s errand that even Mudora himself failed at. But Zelks tells them not to worry… because the Goddesses were already destroyed.

Apparently, Daphnes the cheater was going to be punished by the Goddesses themselves. Simply put, he lost fair and square to Link, which would’ve meant the Triforce would’ve been given over to the Kokiri anyways. Daphnes didnt like that, so he made a deal with the Moblins (before Ganon’s time) to rebel against them. He invaded Gerudo territory with the Moblins and forced his way into the Temple of Light, learning the magical secrets behind the Tribe of Light, and used their knowledge to enter into a dimension that the Goddesses resided in, know as the Sacred Void. And using their magic, he challenged and slew the Goddesses using a weapon know as the Trident of Power. Now, Daphnes was the most powerful man in all of the land. But he wanted to keep this knowledge all to himself. So he took the Keystones that were used to keep the Temple sealed, and passed them off as “Blessings” to those who agreed to cooperate with the Hylians, fabricating a myth that the Hylians were the chosen people of the Goddesses who had the authority to eliminate anyone they saw fit. To maintain his power, he proclaimed himself king and sent the world through chaos and disorder. Banishing the Gerudo to the desert after they rose up in rebellion after the Kokiri slaughter, was just one of many of his abuses.

However, certain Hylians did not take kindly to Daphnes’s abuse of power, saying that the Goddesses would not approve of this, and Daphnes, drunk on his own power, imprisoned or silenced them all. So, certain members of Hylian society became assasins, calling themselves the Sheikah, and slew Daphnes from power. The leader of the Sheikah becae the new king of Hyrule while the Sheikah became his secret sword. This is the king that Zelda was descended from.

Unfortunately, this new king was too slow to rectify Daphnes’s actions. The Gerudo declared multiple wars on Hyrule, and the Moblins, under Ganon, felt that they were just discarded after helping the Hylians take power, so they were just slaying people left and right to cause instability, and the new king had no choice but to wipe them out. This last act of the Hylians caused the Rito, who often remained out of sight of the surface dwellers, decided to cut all ties with the world below. But, out of pity for the Moblins, Zelk had taught Ganon the art of shapeshifting so that he could among another people. And Ganon chose to be a Gerudo.

Zelks didnt think Ganon was still alive, and if so, Zelda and the Hylians are in danger. He basically tells Mudora to get over his grudge. Then Malon asks about the Triforce as it was rarely brought up. The Goddesses hid the Triforce in the sacred void. Daphnes was too blinded by rage to even look for it. So its still out there. But to find it, they need the help of the “Remorseful Trinity” whom are hidden in Zora’s domain.

Before they leave, Zelks gives them all Roc Capes as time is of the essence, and they can’t afford to walk.

NOW YOU CAN FLY, BITCHES!

Ariel combat would be similar to Zone of Enders, but yes, using the Roc’s Cape allows youto get aroudn Hyrule faster. Now as for runes, you’d have to find the rest on your own, but they’re not essential to game completion.

Back in Zora’s Domain, Tunias and the rest of them are (at first) glad to see Link and Malon alive, but wonders where Samak is. They tell him she’s dead, and the Zora get pissed at you for not protecting her. So negotiating to see the Remorseful Trinity is out of the question. Now, if you want to see them, you could sneak your way passed them, or use the Ice Domain and freeze the bastards.

Getting through it all, the gang comes to a small shrine where 3 human looking maidens resided. It was… Nayru, Din, and Farore as they appear in the Oracle series, reincarnated as a Hylian, Gerudo, and Kokiri respectively. They dont know how or why, by they know that somehow, they were responsible for the way the world burned. Constant and endless wars day in and day. They caused it. And they feel that they’ve already paid the price. They have the ability to enter the Sacred Void at any time, and they do so to have some peace and quiet every now and then. Mudora almost wants to vomit, but they dont know what they did in the past, so he cant do anything. They tell them about the Triforce thats still in the Void, the golden treasure that would allow them to make any sort of wish they want, and that its in danger of being taken by Ganon.

Unfortunately, the big bastard was right behind them and heard everything! And with his new Trident of Power that he stole from the King’s vault, he could conquer all of Hyrule! He knocks out the party and kidnaps the 3 girls, teleporting back to Hyrule Castle. So the group flies over there for the final dungeon, Hyrule Castle. Its really just a big ass battle ground as you’re fighting enemies over and over. They make it to the throne room and find Ganon with Zelda incased in a crystal. Saria and Malon both tell Ganon about what really happened with the Moblins, but he says it doesnt matter. The Hylians did not part with their ill-gotten gains. They are not innocent anymore than he was. If the Triforce still exists, then he will take it by force. The Hylians had their fun. Now it’s his time.

So you fight him again. This time, you have a new sword that can whittle down his defenses, you gotta constantly switch domains everytime his armor changes color, otherwise he takes no damage. After getting wrecked, Ganon uses the Trident to force the Trinity into opening the Sacred Void. Zelda manages to break free from her crystal cell and, with Link, Saria, and Malon, go after him in the void. There, Ganon grows and fights you all again. Anything goes here.

Ganon dies, and the Trinity, after seeing the Trident of Power in action, regain their memories of everything that’s hppened, as well as their roles as goddesses. They themselves had abused their power as Goddesses, and apologize for their own conceit. Mudora isnt exactly satisfied since they trapped him in a butter knife, but he drops the grudge. If they truly are remorseful, then that is validation enough.

As thanks for their efforts in defeating Ganon, The 3 then reveal the Triforce, and allow only Link to use it, since he was the original victor of the contest. So Link smiles, touches the Triforce and…

Credits! Link’s wish is left ambiguous, but we see Malon tending to her farm, Darius, Samak, and even Mudora are all alive, the Kokiri and Moblins are restored (without Ganon as he died in the Void meaning his soul is trapped there), Saria apologizing to Zelda for her attacks, the Gerudo being allowed back to Hyrule… and Link is flying through the skies. Peace throughout the land had finally been achieved as the Goddesses smile upon it.

After the credits, Saria is in town with Link shopping for bread. However, something bothers her. Her attempts at resurrection always resulted in shambling corpes. Link included. So how did he come back to life? Link shrugs his shoulders because he’s a mute fuck. But one last shot reveals Zelda as she gazes at an orb that she constantly wears on her person, that being the Moon Pearl from LTTP.

I split this in 3 parts because the longer a post was, the slower this app ran.

Anywho, that is it. I admit, I might’ve rushed the ending portion but at least there’s no silly fetch quest 😛

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Doing it better: Zelda, Edge of Dominance Part 2

From where I left off, its the next morning. I guess you could call this padding, but fuck it. Malon then talks to Link about why she’s out looking for this strange sword. Her father of course runs a ranch, but the land isn’t fertile enough to grow anything on it. The land itself has been deprived. So if they can barely grow anything, they can barely feed people. The most they can do is hunt animals for food. But if they hunt animals out of existence, they might turn their blades on each other for food. If this sword does indeed exist, she could hopefully fix this land deprivation issue. Everyone has to eat, afterall.

Anywho, Ganon maps out their next destination in Death Mountain, where the next gem resides. Darius knows the layout of Death Mountain as his race, the Goron, have made it their home. The chief of the Goron is sure to have “Din’s Blessing” in his possession. So they head into the mountain, it’s more like a maze of darkness, so Samak would have to use magic to light up the place, but she usually cant hold her light magic for long because it strains her, so you gotta keep her moving and defend her from enemies in perpetual darkness. You could also buy lantern if you aren’t cheap when it comes to 2000 rupees.

After all that BS, they find the city of the Goron (really just a bunch of stone huts and tunnels) where Darius requests to see the Chief. But they tell him that he’s been captured by the Lizalfos! As well, the Din’s Blessing is missing. Darius panics, explaining that the Goron have been at war with the Lizalfos for the last 200 years. If the chief was captured, he’s as good as dead. Though it doesn’t make sense to him as the chief is the strongest Goron Warrior alive.

So they go to search for the Scaleburn Caverns where the Lizalfos reside. Darius explains that he went on this fool’s errand because he wanted to be rid of Din’s Blessing. Ever since came into their possession, they’ve been a target of invaders since. The Lizalfos were the most resilient enemies they have, and they’ve only grown in strength. He doesn’t care about the sword itself, he just wants the Goron to live in peace.

Scaleburn Caverns is the 2nd dungeon (no shit), and the enemies are Dodongos and Lizalfos. Throughout the dungeon, the group deals with constant attacks by “Reptos”, the Lizalfos Chief who attacks with a sword, shield, and can fly. The fights are usually unwinnable, leaving you with just 2 hearts before he gets bored and retreats. Once you find “Din’s Might” (or Power Gauntlets), Link would gain the ability to box. Think Ieyasu from Sengoku Basura. He would also be able to break boulders and breakable walls. Once you get those, Reptos is beatable because you could punch his shield and stun him, and then you can wail on him until he retreats.

The boss fight is actually both Reptos and the Goron chief himself, “Dagron”. Darius questions why Dagron would ally himself with their sworn enemies. And he replies that they’re only enemies because of this jewel! “They are merely scared for their survival! But if this petty war continues, we both will perish!” Thus, he planned to destroy Din’s Blessing to stop the fighting. Though Ganon isn’t about to have that. So they fight it out. You would have to focus on Reptos first before dealing with Dagron, though you fight em both at the same time, because Reptos would be a dick to fight. Dagron wouldn’t be damaged without the Power Gloves.

The fighting, however, would awaken the REAL boss, the “Gigadongo”, up from it’s slumber, and then it attacks. Malon would have to feed it bombs to deal any real damage, or you could just punch him to death which takes longer. After that Dagron and Reptos are both tired and they go into some exposition on why they fought over the jewel. After the contest 700 years ago, the Gods would grant certain races these jewels, calling them “blessings”. Without those blessings, they would be targets for a purge by the Hylians. Afterall, that’s what happened to the Kokiri. They refused the blessing of Farore which is why they were wiped out, and instead the Deku were granted that favor. Link is obviously pissed off at that news, and that worries Malon.

Ganon sweet talks them both and says “that’s why we’re here. To relieve you of this burden! Why should anyone suffer from the threat of annihilation? Everyone in this world has a right to live in peace with themselves and with the rest of the world. The Gods had their fun. There is no point in war of their favor. Lend us the jewel, and we will ensure that no harm will come to you ever again!

Dagron doesn’t seem too convinced, but they both agree to give him Din’s blessing. 2 down, 1 to go!

The group then camps out in the Goron city. But again, Link just cant fucking sleep! To think the Gods would sanction the Kokiri’s ruin. Malon stays up and talks to him about it. Saying that the Deku and Kokiri were once friends until after the contest. Rumors abound that the Deku had betrayed the Kokiri to the Gods themselves. But they are just rumors.

“You must think the Gods cruel, don’t you? Maybe they are. But promise me that you wont seek vengeance against them. There was once a man in the desert who also vowed to beat the Gods. He wielded amazing power himself. But he was just a man. The Gods devastated him before he could get the chance. I wouldn”t want you to share the same fate. It would be a waste of a perfectly handsome Kokiri (Yay, shipping!)”

The next, with 2 jewels in tow, Link and the crew depart for the next jewel. Dagron tells Darius, however, that he doesn’t trust Ganon, but he only gave up the jewel because Darius will be there should the Gerudo get any ideas.

Next destination is in Zora’s Domain. And Samak already warns Ganon that the Zora are fiercely loyal to the Gods for Nayru’s Blessing. To be granted immunity from the Hylian purge is something to be treated with the utmost of gratitude. The Zora will not forfeit such a prize so easily. Though Ganon isn’t even the least bit concerned, which makes Darius uneasy.

Samak, being the logical person in the group, doesn’t believe that a mere jewel grants any sort of immunity from anyone. Just like the Goron, the Zora could be invaded by any force and the jewel could be snatched away from them. Such primitive devotion to a material of holy vanity holds their species back, she thought. The Hylians, Goron, and Gerudo all advance in their technology, but the Zora are stubborn in their traditions. The water in the land is drying up quickly. Soon, there will be no rivers or oceans to call home. The Zora’s territory gets smaller and smaller as the years go on. But if this sword can restore the water in the land, the Zora might survive.

Samak is obviously frustrated by the Zora’s unwillingness to get with the times, and is why she is in the group.

They arrive in the Zora’s Domain and find that… there is literally no water to be found! Samak almost panics as she temporarily leaves the group to look for her people. The party follows her to find that only a small lake exists, and the Zora are desperately overcrowding it. The situation was as bad as it could get. The King of the Zora, Tunias (That’s Too-Ny-Us) explains that their water dried up much faster than expected, and all they have left is that lake. That perhaps they did something to anger the Gods. Samak gets pissy and argues about how stupid it is to think the Gods would even bother to torture them to extinction, though Tunias believes it might also be a test of their resolve.

However, whats much worse is that the King’s son, Phindol,was sick. And without pure water, he would surely die. Tunias, however, denied him any medical attention, believing that this might be one of 2 things. Another test of his resolve, or that the Gods are demanding a sacrifice. Malon’s heard enough and decides to get Prince Phindol to a doctor back in Hyrule Castle town. Ganon’s against the idea because that means defying the King of Zora, which means kidnapping. But Samak co-signs it. So they wait until nightfall and… obligatory stealth mission. Link, Malon, and Samak take Phindol from his quarters, but are discovered by some guards. So Link holds them off while the girls take Phindol and race back to Hyrule Castle Town. Ganon and Darius are thrown in prison.

There, they find that Zelda is at the front gate, overseeing inspections herself and making sure the guards are doing their jobs. So when Link, Malon, and Samak all show up with Prince Phindol, she gets extremely suspicious.

“You 3 kidnapped the prince of Zoras!? And bring him here!? You risk a war with the Zora!”

Samak begs her to let them find a doctor because he’s sick. Though she’s against it, Zelda allows them into town to see one. The doc gives the boy some medicine to help with his ailment, but if he doesn’t get pure water soon, he’ll day. The doc gives him about 3 days.

Zelda is still bent out of shape over keeping Phindol in town as the Zora will declare all out war on Hyrule if he isn’t returned, but Malon and Samak try to ensure her that everything will be alright. She briefly talks with Link about what he’s doing with these 2 and expresses relief that he’s ok for the most part. Zelda also asks what he plans to do in this time period now that he is aware of what has happened, wondering if he’s come to terms with the fact that the world he knew before is long gone.

Before any answer could come out, Hyrule Castle Town is attacked by the Witch of the Woods. Samak is looking after Phindol while Link, Malon, and Zelda all go out to defend the townsfolk. Yeah, call it padding if you want. The Witch appears before the 3, with Zelda proclaiming that no matter how many times she attacks, Hyrule will never fall! Still, she retreats upon seeing Link. This leaves Zelda confused because normally, the Witch would attack her outright. But hey, premature celebration, right?

Zelda heads back to her castle to prepare for another potential attack, and wishes Link luck in his future endeavors (Malon not looking pleased), and the 2 check in with Samak.

Phindol is apparently feeling good enough to at least talk. He tells the trio that he knows why the water in Zora’s domain keeps drying up, and it’s because the source of their water, atop a waterfall, is blocked off by a demon who turned the area into a toxic swamp. the waters became thick, inky sludge. Just being in the area made him sick.

So they decide to scale the dried up waterfall, and the further up they got, the worse the mold and smell gets. So begins the 3rd dungeon, the Miasmic Bog. The gimmick here is poison gas is littered through the dungeon, and just being in it damages you, so you have to avoid certain parts of the dungeon until you get the weapon here, which is “Nayru’s leash” (an electric whip). Link can spin the whip which blows away some of the gas, and also serves as a long range weapon and grappling rope. Ganon and Darius aren’t with you for this dungeon so you’re on guard duty throughout. The boss here is a Gigoctorok where you’d have to electrocute his tentacles before snatching each of them off. He’d occasionally spray poison gas through the place so you’d have to blow it away before proceeding to beat his ass. afterward, the defeat of Gigoctorok would have him die, and the hole his ass plugged up would be…unplugged, and a rush of clean water starts to flood the area. The waterfall is working again, and the Zora below are ecstatic. The 3 rush back to Hyrule to fetch Phindol and rush him back to the domain to submerge him into the water (looks like a baptism, almost).

Bam! All better now!

Tunias, happy as he is, still attributes this as a test of the Gods, but Phindol rebukes him saying that the source of the water drying up was not an act of the Gods, but a demon stopping the water from getting to them. If he had waited for the Gods to do anything, the Zora would’ve surely died. “Some of us think we should look for solutions ourselves instead of looking to the heavens! If it wasn’t for Samak and her friends, I would no longer exist in this plane!

Tunias concedes to Phindol. Samak is in disbelief, almost. To think their water crisis was caused by a plugged hole.

Well, Ganon is cranky that Malon and Samak got them thrown in a cell, but demands Nayru’s Blessing as compensation. Tunias, satisfied with the events at hand, and gaining a sense of independence from the Gods, happily gives it up. Even though Samak solved her issues, she continues traveling with Ganon and friends.

Now they have all 3 blessings!

They rest up in Kakariko. Ganon tells them that these 3 blessings will be the key to finding the sacred blade that can change the world at last! Link, however, notices someone spying on them and goes after them, but finds nothing.

The next day, Ganon maps out their next destination, the Gerudo Desert. There, they find the Gerudo looking every bit as famished and deprived as they could be. The Hylians had put several embargos on the Gerudo for their refusal of the God’s blessings. That being said, the Gerudo resorted to stealing w/e they could from everyone else for their survival. The desert was then referred to as the land of the thieves. Malon assumed that this was why Ganon was looking for the sword. But when pressed for an answer, Ganon didnt seem the least bit concerned about the Gerudo. “We’re wasting time, now MOVE!” Darius and Link start having a bad feeling right away.

They find the Temple of Light, the giant pyramid in the center of the desert. Also the 4th dungeon. You simply get an upgraded shield that can deflect energy-based attacks, but no new toys to play with. By the end of the Temple, the group is attacked by the Shiekah, a group of assassins serving the royal family of Hyrule. And these nimble ninja bastards couldn’t be hit by regular physical hits, you’d have to depend more on Malon and Samak for clearing out the mobs.

Using the 3 blessings, they unlock the chamber in which the Master Sword rests. In the Chamber, Ganon almost drools at the sight of the blade. But then Zelda arrives to halt their progress. She reveals that she used one of her Sheikah spies to gather intel about Ganon and his group, mainly because she was concerned about Link (dawwww). Malon argues that the Gerudo deserve a chance to live in peace, which is why Ganon was here.

“This fiend is not Gerudo!”

Zelda uses an “Orb of revealing” that shines a light on Ganon, who recoils in what seemed like pain. But when the light show is over, Ganon’s true form is revealed to be that of a humanoid boar (think Tadakatsu Honda from Samurai Warriors with the head of TP Beast Ganon). The group is shocked, of course. So Ganon spills.

He’s actually Ganon, the Moblin King! The Hylians took it upon themselves to simply wipe out all the Moblins in the land without provocation or reasoning. They simply decided that they shouldn’t exist. Though Zelda declares that the Moblins constantly raided villages and farms, kidnapped and ate children, and caused all sorts of trouble throughout the land. Ganon argues that he wasn’t obligated to respect a world that tossed him aside for a monstrous appearance. The Moblins garnered no favor from the Gods, and were last considered for anything that Hyrule planned for the future.

“We were not born just to be tossed aside like garbage. And yet, that is exactly what happened! All other beings that existed were granted immunity from hunger, disregard, and death! My kind starved while you feast and grow fat from the corpses of those you’ve deceived and crushed beneath your booted heels! Where were the Gods then!? They abandoned us to your whims, and the rest is history!”

“For those whose lights you’ve dimmed, you deserve no pity!”

“Such conceit to think I would need it! All I require is the sword!”

So Ganon tries to go for the Master Sword, but Link stands in his way.

“Link! These Hylians extinguished your kind, just as they have mine! Why do you interfere!?”

Link just takes out his sword and shield, Malon and her Bow, Darius and hs fists, and Samak her magic, all aimed at Ganon.

“…So be it!”

Unwinnable boss fight. Darius and Samak were both slain while Malon and Zelda were merely knocked out. Link, with his broken sword, can barely stand after such an asswhoopin. Ganon laughs and mocks him “No wonder the Kokiri were vanquished! Your power is pitiful!” Link tries cuting him again, but Ganon punches him across the chamber. Conveniently next to the Master Sword itself! “No!”, he cries as Link takes the sword from the ground. As Ganon charges toward him, the Master Sword somehow freezes time in the chamber. An eyeball appears at the hilt (And no, its not ripping off soul edge, it was in LTTP) and the sword speaks.

“It worked! Finally, I am free once more! Hmm… so it was Moblin who came to thy aid… but who is it that wields me from thy hilt? A Kokiri? Hmph, so the Witch has achieved her goal!”

And then it warps Link and Malon out of the Temple, and unfreezes the place. Ganon looks about, confused at his surroundings. And is pissed that the sword is gone. But he takes Zelda instead.

Out in Hyrule field, Link wakes up to find himself in a large bird’s nest. He falls out of it into a river shortly after. And then the sword talks again. “Sorry. Thy talent in teleportation has dulled over time.” This scares the hell out of Link who looks around to find out who’s talking.

“I am the blade that ye carry! Curious. I imagined the Kokiri being far more perceptive than anyone else in this world. That royal Hylian welp sees better than ye. No matter. It is ye who carries thee now, thus no one else can. I hope I can trust you. Confused, are ye? I suppose its not everyday one speaks to a blade. Or one of such poor craftsmanship.”

So the sword tells Link that he is actually Mudora, the ancient Gerudo wizard that challenged the Goddesses 7 centuries ago, constructing the temple of light to absorb energy from the sun to increase his cult’s magic power, and was sealed away in the sword as punishment for his transgressions. He also explains that the 3 blessings were merely just keystones that were entrusted to the Deku, Goron, and Zora races that would unlock his chamber. Mudora’s power was so feared that the Goddesses had to conceal that truth under the facade of their approval. And it did more harm than good. The species all went to war for these…. “curses”. The Deku betrayed the Kokiri to become the dominant force of the forest. The Moblins were slaughtered outright. The soils of the land eroded under the heat of war. The will of the Goddesses is nothing but endless war. Endless fighting, suffering…extinction. Mudora created the tribe of light to hopefully put an end to the madness!

Before anything else, the cult members drank an elixir that would grant them immortality, so its possible that some of the members are still alive. One of which Mudora already points out… is the Witch of the Woods herself.

CONTINUED IN NEXT POST

Doing it better: The Legend of Zelda, Edge of Dominance

Soulja Boy is facing legal action by Nintendo. And its literally the first time people praise Nintendo for taking legal action.

This was an Idea I had for a Zelda game around the time of Skyward Sword, when it was still supposed to be a prequel to the whole damn series. As its terrible and I hate that fucking game to no end, I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind as to what would make a better “prequel” to the series all around. Problem is Nintendo made a timeline because some youtuber wanted to be validated, which fucked my idea so I almost discarded it.

The only thing that intrigued me about Skyward Sword was that they would have spirits living within swords. Not that Fi being inside the Master Sword is anywhere near being a good idea, but the idea in general was the basis for my idea.

But as the years went on, I modified it to the point that I didn’t care about it being a replacement for Skyward Sword because… I lost interest in Zelda games after that point. And realistically, wouldn’t happen.

So, fuck it. Here’s Edge of Dominance which is no longer a prequel idea but just a stand alone game.

So the basic premise is that the 3 Goddesses of the world, Din, Nayru, and Farore, created the world. There’s no Hylia because that notorious bitch deserves no worship for the stupidity behind Skyward Sword. Six species were created at the beginning of the world, 3 of which were humanoid and most dominant. The Hylians, the Kokiri, and the Gerudo. Others would be the Moblins, Zora, Goron, at least at first. Other species would exist in the future.

And the Kokiri wouldn’t be perpetual children, nor would the Gerudo be mono gendered, because that’s fucking retarded.

Anywho, among the 3 dominant races, a Gerudo named “Mudora” (he would have the design of fat Ganondorf of Wind Waker, so think him) would be a member of a cult of wizards called “The Tribe of Light”. They took it upon themselves to observe the world and it’s development. They also did not worship the Goddesses because, overtime, they saw that the 3 dominant races, Hylians, Kokiri, and Gerudo all, would worship them and go to wars with each other for their favor. And the Goddesses never stepped in to quell this, and they made a game of it. They enjoyed how their creations would fight for their favor. Mudora hated this and convinced the Light Tribe to construct a Pyramid in the desert that would have the power to draw energy from the sun, which they would use to increase the power of their magic and help them to overpower the goddesses. They would then reshape the land in their own image in a bid to maintain order between the races and ensure that peace, not war, would be the way of life for all.

In the process, Mudora learned the art of Terraforming landscapes instantaneously to take on the form of any environment he so wishes. This is important.

The Goddesses didnt like that Mudora tried to usurp their power, so they took it upon themselves to empower a woman named Hylia (looking like Skyward Zelda) to go to war against the Tribe of Light. The tribe was slain, and Mudora’s soul was imprisoned in a sword (Which would become the Master Sword), which was sealed away underground beneath the Temple of Light.

The Goddesses feared that if people of the Gerudo could rebel against them, the Hylians and the Kokiri weren’t too far off from doing the same. And everyone had the idea of wanting to shape the world in their own image which would lead to endless conquests OR mutiny against the Goddesses.

So the goddesses created the Triforce, a relic that would grant the wish of whoever touches it. But, they would not just give it to anyone. They demanded a competition to be held between the 3 dominant races. The Hylians, Kokiri, and Gerudo would all participate in a sword dueling competition. 3 representatives from each race would compete.

This is where Link comes in. He would be one of the 3 representatives of the Kokiri, and is the best sword fighter they have. His friend Saria ….

Who looks more like this…

is against him competing because he could be killed. After all, the Hylians fight dirty, and the Gerudo have unbelievable strength. But the Kokiri have speed and precision which should give him an edge.

So the Dueling Tournament would serve as this tutorial to combat. Link goes through 3 rounds, winning almost every fight, until he gets to a young Daphnes (or whoever the King of the Red Lions was named) whom was the best swordsman of the Hylians. Final round of the tournament, tutorial is over, you gotta beat the guy with everything you’ve learned. So Link beats the guy, and he turns his back to look at Saria who cheers him on. This was him letting his guard down, and Daphnes…. stabs Link in the back and kills him. Yeah yeah, before he’s stabbed, the screen cuts to black because I know Nintendo fans are squeamish.

Afterward, its a rainy and stormy night. In a cemetery, several redeads rise up from the ground, and Link himself was buried with his signature hat so that he, as a redead, would be distinguished from the rest. Link and the other Redeads, all slow and shit, all invade Hyrule Castle. The guards get petrified and are easy picking, and what you do here is you absorb the guards life force so you can get your health up to 3 hearts. Then and only then can you get access to Zelda’s chambers. Once Link finds Zelda, her hand glows which blinds Link, but also changes him back into his human form. At first, he’s confused, and so is Zelda for that matter. But, he’s alive, he’s a good guy again, and he decides to get Zelda out of harms way. So, just like LTTP, they find an underground tunnel to the chapel near the graveyard where Zelda and the priest reveal to him that someone known as “The Witch of the Woods” had created an army of redeads to attack Hyrule Castle and several occasions. They don’t know why, but this witch has a vendetta against the royal family of Hyrule. Link is confused. He’s like “What is this Hyrule”, and they explain to him that its the name of the land that surrounds the Castle, ruled by the Hylians. After Daphnes became champion of the Goddess’s tournament, he used the Triforce to remake the world in the Hylian’s image. Since then, the land became known as Hyrule as it is ruled by the Hylians.

Link, however, was more concerned about finding his people, the Kokiri, and his friend Saria. Zelda and the priest tell him, however, that the Kokiri have been extinct for 700 years. And right there, Link falls into depression. Zelda tries to get him off his sad sack shit, but Link blows her off and leaves.

Kakariko village, he tries to drink some rum, but he cant bare the taste (Kokiri have an extremely low tolerance for Hylian foods), so he just lazes about, depressed. But then he over hears 3 people at a table talking. These treasure hunters. A Goron named Darius, a Zora named Samak, and a Hylian named Malon (or Maron or whoever that red head was at the Lon Lon Ranch in OOT). They all keep complaining about some futility in finding this sword, how there’s no such thing as a blade that can change the landscape at will. Its a fairy tale that isnt even possible without the Kokiri! And Link jumps and says (In sign language, I guess) “Hey, I’m Kokiri!”. And obviously, they don’t believe him because the Kokiri are extinct. But Link obviously has nothing better to do and offers them help. And the group is none too willing to just let him in the group. Malon, on the other hand, is less cynical and decides “We let our fearless leader decide since it’s his hunt”

So they head into an out of nowhere portion of Hyrule field and finds… Ganon (Human Ganon without the Dorf in his name, obviously because the dorf sounds retarded) as the leader of these hunters. They tell him that this small fry wants in with the hunt, and that he claims to be Kokiri. While they try to downplay it, Ganon somehow KNOWS Link is Kokiri and immediately lets him be a part of the group. But to save face to his peers, it would be on one condition. That being the first dungeon in the game.

They would have to brave the Lost Woods, where the Deku race and the dreaded Witch of Woods resides.

Malon is already terrified of the Lost Woods, not only because of the witch, but also because of the “Skull Kid”, a Deku Shaman that could summon wooden puppets. Darius, being the muscle head that he is, tells her to stop pussing out and they venture into the Lost Woods. There, they do indeed encounter the Witch of the Woods and fight against her demons. Redeads, Gohma, those… plant monsters, the works. When they get to the Witch, Link steps forward and tries to fight her. The Witch, however, hesitates and retreats and the mere sight of him.

So the group is looking at him as a some sort of badass who could scare off the witch! 😛

As they go further into the woods, they find the “Hollow Village” which was said to be haunted by souls of the ancient forest people. But as Link goes through the place, he starts recognizing his own home! This was his old village! Everyone else was wondering how Link could go through the damn village with no fear. All that courage!

So they make it to the dungeon, The Deku Hive, where you get the “Farore’s Blade” which is a boomerang that you’d be able to split apart into 2 daggers and have faster attacks and combos, or just toss it around and cut people up from afar. Now, as you’re with a group, it’s treated more like a standard action RPG where you get assistance from other party members. Darius and Ganon are melee users while Samak uses magic and Malon uses arrows and bombs. Also, and your mileage may vary, but because Malon has arrows and bombs, you don’t actually get them. Explained as certain races not being able to wield certain tools due to dexterity or…. shit like that. Or in other words, Kokiri don’t have the strength to wield 2 swords like the Gerudo or the endurance to constantly tug on the string of a bow over and over, or the Goron don’t have the restraint or precision to wield Kokiri weapons or their hands are simply too big. Or Zora’s hands are to slippery to hold Hylian weapons properly (you wouldn’t trust them with a sword as it might slip out and stab an ally in the face.) I don’t have an excuse for bombs so feel free to bitch me out about that.

The boss of the Dungeon is the Skull Kid himself who summons wooden puppets to attack. Since Skull Kid is out of reach, you’d have to rely on either Malon or Samak to hit him with Arrows or Magic. But the puppets on the ground would would constantly attack them, so you, Darius and Ganon would all have to keep the ladies safe while they knock the Skull Kid on their asses. Eventually, the Skull Kid would summon vines that restrain Samak and Malon, and you’d have to use the Boomerang to fight him off. By the end of the fight, you’d get the plot macguffin “Farore’s Blessing” which is just a green gem. And so the group leaves.

When they do, the group laments how awesome Link is. Going into this forest with no fear is quite a feat! But then Ganon spills the beans.

“Yes. It is amazing how you can walk into these haunted woods with no fear in your heart. Because it is not fear that you feel, but rather… devastation. After all… this is your home, is it not?”

The group acts surprised until Ganon goes on. “The look in your eyes when you gazed upon these ruins was more than curiosity. These were the homes of the people you once called friends. Hearing that this place might be haunted… gave you hope that you could speak to your old friends again, rather than dread.” And he says to the group “If he were not Kokiri, this place would hold no meaning for him”

They leave the woods and go to an inn at Kakariko. Link can’t sleep, obviously, as he’s still thinking about the Kokiri ruins. And Ganon right up with him.

“Would you like to know how the Kokiri vanished? Its a truth not for the faint of heart”

“There was once a Kokiri swordsman who partook in the contest of the Gods. All for a chance to secure a sacred golden treasure known as the Triforce. He was so skilled that he challenged the best swordsman of Hylia in the last bout, and dropped him to his knees. But only through trickery could his pride be salvaged. The sole Kokiri warrior was slain!”

“Soon after, the Hylians used the treasure of the Gods to remake the world in their own image. And to honor the Kokiri warrior who bested him in combat, the new king showed his respect… by slaughtering his brethren! The new champion and Hylian king saw that the Kokiri were not worthy of existing in their new world, and sacrificed them to the Gods. Thus, Hyrule was born. Those who defied the Hylians by sheer superiority were crushed. I do not know how you survived such a purge for over 7 centuries, but at least now… you have the opportunity to return the favor!”

“This blade that I seek has not only the power to reshape the land, but the power to traverse the flow of time itself, and create gateways to new worlds! Imagine holding the power of resurrection within your grasp. Your kind can live once more!”

The only person that comes to Link’s mind is Saria.

“Still, that only means our hunt will be filled with peril. Should you live through this trial, perhaps you will have your wish granted!”

And Ganon leaves for the night.

CONTINUED IN NEXT POST

Doing it better: Metroid General

Pretty sure everyone could relate, but I find the entire Metroid storyline to be ass. Metroid, like a lot of franchises that got their start in the 90s, has a poorly developed plot that was marginally inspired by the film “Alien” with Segorny Weaver at the helm. Its why you have a female lead fighting aliens in space. Some of you might think “what more do you need? Its you fighting aliens in space, eliminating monsters and space pirates!” Its just very bare bones, and its last minute attempt at a Resident Evil style plot regarding government conspiracies is half-assed at best. But the most glaring issues I’ve always found with the games is Samus’s connection to the Galactic Federation, her status as a bounty hunter not amounting to shit, and the concept of space pirates in general being led around by a giant space dragon. The Space Pirates don’t have a lot of fame or shine in the Metroid franchise, and its never been explained how Samus, while being raised by the Chozo, was found out by the Federation to ever join them in the first place. That shit ass manga doesn’t do a good job, either. That and Samus being a bounty hunter feels like a superficial title as all she does is odd jobs for the federation anyway.

The basic outline is that Samus was orphaned during an attack on a space colony which has her stranded on Talon 4, the homeworld of the Chozo race, bird like aliens who teach her how to survive and beat ass. Then somehow, she winds up with the Federation and meets Adam, and does missions for them up until Adam’s brother, Ian Malkovich, was sacrificed to save civilians on a burning ship. She couldn’t handle that and thus left his command. This event wasn’t traumatic enough to stop her from working with the Federation on several missions, ironically enough. Most notably defeating the renegade super computer, Mother Brain, which was controlling the space pirates and their leader, Ridley, while they took Metroid specimens. I don’t know exactly why they needed the Metroids, but they’re dangerous so fuck it, go to Zebes and rip ass.

Then we have the Prime series which is all about the Federation messing around with Phazon, some space magic shit… and I can call it that because how the hell does a space mutagenic substance cause a “dark world” to form on Aether? But it proves that Metroids can mutate and become bigger threats than they really are (Dark Samus).

So that leads into Metroid 2 where Samus is tasked with the eradication of the Metroid race on their homeworld of SR388… all save for the infant Metroid.

“THE LAST METROID IS IN CAPTIVITY. THE GALAXY IS AT PEACE”

Which makes no sense because there was never any indication that the Metroids, by themselves, were a threat unless those pirates or space goop was involved, and by the time Fusion rolls around, its proven that killing off the Metroids was a very stupid idea.

Anywho, Metroid 3 hits (Super Metroid for you slowbros) where Samus gives the baby over to federation scientists for study. And then they get raped to crumbs by Ridley, forcing Samus to go right back to Zebes (because in reality, SM was a remake of Metroid 1 until Zero Mission hits). So Samus goes through Zebes to kill off the pirates, Ridley, and Mother Brain once and for all. As she does, she runs into the baby Metroid that almost kills her, but stops itself after recognizing its the mama that saved it. During the fight against MB, Samus gets curb-stomped until the baby metroid saves her, gives her the hyper beam, and dies from MB itself. Then Samus kills MB, and escapes Zebes before it (somehow) blows up.

That brings us to Other M where the less said would be better, but Id be remiss if I disregarded it. Samus is healed up by feddy doctors before presenting to the Fed council about the end of the Metroids and Space Pirates (Thanks for the help, btw, you lazy federation assholes). Samus runs into the bottle ship where Federation forces led by Adam were there to retrieve BOW research data, preserve the cloned bio-weapons, and capture Madeline Bergman (or MB), this Resident Evil shit. While Samus is preoccupied with thoughts of Adam’s dick in her ass, she contributes to nothing of the overall mission. Instead, Adam and Anthony do most of the work. Samus just mops up the leftovers. By the end of the mission, Adam sacrifices himself (unnecessarily might I add) to destroy the unfreezable Metroids in Sector Zero, and Anthony prevents the ship from crashing into… something. They find Bergman and apprehend her, destroying the Rogue AI MB, and succeeding in preserving the Bottleship. Samus goes back to the ship, fights a cameo boss, and retrieves a memento helmet, something that is not even distinguishable from any other marine helmet, right before they blow up the bottleship. This woman was so thirsty, she risked her life for a goddamn helmet! Ofcourse, the federation kept their BOWs.

Metroid 4 (Fusion) rolls around, and the federation asks Samus to babysit their scientists on an expedition to SR388. But she gets infected by the X-parasites, originally the prey of the Metroids. Now that they’re extinct, it messed up the food chain and the Xs populate out of control. Samus is infected and had to be given a Metroid vaccine that would kill the X in her body. But her body becomes malformed and she turns into an amphibian creature with an arm cannon. Bionic Space Labs then gets attacked by the SA-X, Samus’s armor that came to life thanks to the X already in the suit, and we have a Resident Evil outbreak on the ship. Samus has to go in and get things under control since now, she is immune to the X-Virus. However, the Federation was actually gathering data about the X Virus and was planning to use them as potential bioweapons, trying to stall Samus’s progress in getting stronger and wiping out the BOWs altogether. But because she called an on-board computer “Adam”, the damn thing fights its programming and helps Samus to destroy the space labs once and for all. Samus fights the SA-X and a Metroid creature, regains her powers and human form ala weird ass digestion practice, and escapes the ship with Adam on-board.

No, I did not play the 3DS game. I tend to forget it exists.

Overall, this story is pure shit. The galactic federation wants bioweapons just for GP. You got no more space pirates to deal with, so who the fuck do bioweapons benefit? Just to play god? Ok! The villains have no motives for why they wanna fuck shit up, both the space pirates and the federation. And what they do is shit the bed. All Samus does as a source of conflict is wipe their sheets. But… this is Nintendo. Their ability to tell a competent narrative is dependent on how Japanese the content is. But they’ll be damned if someone else tries to give them any ideas. Remember that thing about Retro Studios having an origin for the Metroid species and how Sakamoto sabotaged it with that ass comic he made? Way I see it, the Japanese treat their entertainment as their culture, and they are fiercely protective of their culture! Anytime someone outdoes them with a foreign spinoff (like say Donkey Kong Country or the Sega Genesis in general) they see it as an attack! An attempt of appropriation. So for years, they had a habit of sabotaging their American counterparts to make sure that their homegrown Japanese version is superior no matter what. Might explain the cease and desist orders on fangames, too. Not really protecting their Copyrights per say, but protecting their superiority in content production. Cant allow those baka gaijin to think they have better ideas than us! Prolly why Sega doesnt go after Sonic fangames because they’re quite dull in terms of content.

I got off track. Anywho, if I were in charge of the Metroid franchise, here’s how I’d do it.

Samus’s backstory as an orphan trained by the Chozo would be maintained. That in itself isnt bad. What I would remove is her service history with the Galactic Federation. Not for nothing, now. There’s a good reason for that.

Rewriting Metroid, I’d start it off with the first game (Call it “First Contact” or some shit) where the Federation is concerned with colonization of different planets. Zebes seemed habitable, so that’s their first destination. Federation scientists would establish the Aurora Units (From Prime 3), one per planet. These units were highly advanced super computers that had the ability to link themselves with the core of certain planets and create stable, habitable atmospheres and environments for humans (similar to how they worked in Mass Effect Andromeda). So, they install the Aurora Unit, but they require a massive amount of power to work efficiently, yadda yadda. So when they turn on, they emit a massive energy… “aura” that could be felt throughout the universe. And unfortunately, that attracts the attention of the Metroids. As Metroids feed on energy sources (in MY idea, it doesn’t matter what the source is, they can eat it up), the Aurora looked like a full course meal. Oh, and they can breathe in space. So, several thousand Metroids migrate from SR388 to Zebes and go on a feeding frenzy. They suck the scientists dry and start attacking the Aurora unit. Then, something goes wrong, and the Metroids all fuse into the Aurora, turning it into Mother Brain. And since it’s already plugged into the core of the planet, Mother Brain starts rewiring Zebes’s atmosphere to something habitable to Metroids. This sends the other creatures on the planet up the walls and they become hostile to anything and anyone. Because their habitats are destroyed, they will kill on sight.

So the mission is for the Federation to hopefully repair the Aurora unit and recover any possible survivors. Ian Malkovich and Anthony are the only 2 Federation Marines sent in to complete the task. The Federation wants the Aurora unit preserved at all costs. And Adam is overseeing the operation. But… Zebes also gets another visitor, IE Samus. The story in the game would be told through Ian and Anthony, but you would be Samus throughout. Your objective would be to eliminate Mother Brain at all costs. And Samus’s actions would be questioned by Ian and Anthony who thinks she’s getting in the way, halting their progress. The 2 grunts find that if they destroy the Mother Brain, it would cause the planet to fall apart because the Metroids that fused with it would’ve used it to drain the planet’s core of it’s energy, growing massively and more powerful overtime. And… its a risk Samus is willing to take.

By the end of the game, she eventually destroys the MOther Brain, but sustained heavy damage during the battle. The planet begins to blow, so Samus rushes to her ship. However, she damn near collapses from pain, and Ian tracks her down by following broken fragments of her suit to her ship, and points a gun at her. He demands to know who she is and why she destroyed the Mother Brain. But as Samus is a silent protagonist, he gets no answers. Instead, the area rumbles, and Samus’s suit falls apart, revealing herself to be a woman (because Fan Service). Ian is stunned, but a cave in separates the 2. Samus gets on her ship and leaves while Anthony finds their shuttle and escapes with Ian before Zebes blows up. They report to Adam that the mission was largely a failure, though he relents that perhaps it was inevitable. Changing a planets atmosphere to suit their own needs would bring consequences. That kind of shit. So afterward, Adam ask Ian if he ever found out who their mystery robot was, and Ian smiles saying “whoever she is, she’s a fox!” “Wait, whoa, she’s a chick!?”

The next game would be “Metroid Season” based on Metroid 2. Ian seems to be obsessed with Samus now.

Anywho, the Federation was on scavenger duty as they retrieved remnants of Zebes as well as a Metroid corpse. They study the creature and find that these bastards were attracted to the energy given off by the Aurora Unit on Zebes, and thus travelled across space to feed on it. They have a basic rundown on what Metroids are and what they can do. What they find out are two things. Metroids possess a telepathic link with each other, being that they’re nothing but flying brains with vaginas for mouths. Also intriguing is that the energy they suck dry from their prey is converted into Phazon, a protein that can keep Metroids alive for days, similar to how a camel’s hump works. As well, they discover that Phazon as a substance has incredible energy readings, and could be used as a renewable energy source. If they got a hold of Metroids, they could revolutionize their energy sources. Batteries, power cells, engines would be a thing of the past. The most potent fossil fuel in the galaxy would be in their grasp.

So, the Federation draws out a new plan for SR388. Capturing the Metroids for study and reproduction for energy purposes. Ian and Anthony are against the idea, having seen the shit they pulled off with just a super computer means going after Metroids is a horrible…..HORRIBLE idea. But a woman shows up, her being Madeline Bergman (Not the actual one from Other M, but one of Samus’s military design with the short hair.) and tells them both that they’re… well…. pussies. Her being the hardass military type, she will lead the charge into SR388 with a new test suit that the Federation developed from the fragments of Samus’s suit, which Ian had brought with him. Madeline and Ian were old friends before random BS that caused a rift between them. Otherwise known as shit no one cares about.

Anywho, Madeline would use the test suit to fight off Metroids and basically capture them as well as escort the scientists through SR388. The suit Madeline uses would be based on the one Samus wore in Prime 3. She would be able to combat the Metroids without the risk of being sucked dry, but in addition to that, Madeline would be able to extract Phazon from the Metroids themselves, storing it in the suit for later use. That said, Madeline would’ve been essential to the mission’s success.

But there’s one thing they didn’t count on. The Metroids would’ve possessed a parasitic attribute. Remember I said that they’re flying brains? Yeah, they would be able to attach themselves to a host and could either suck em dry, or take control of their bodies, becoming the new host’s brain, and fusing into their bodies. When that happens, the Federation teams that headed into the planet become unwilling slaves to the Metroids. They then gain knowledge from their victims and, being the hiveminded bastards they are, they would plan to return to the Federation and unleash hell.

And Samus returns (heh) to nip this problem in the problem. And hell, she’s already a janitor for the Federation in the actual canon, might as well keep that tradition alive! Once again, you’re murking Metroids while the story is told through the Feddy grunts. Madeline seems pissed that Ian has nothing but nice things to say about her, saying that since they screwed up, he hopes that Samus can fix everything.

By the end of the game, however, Madeline would’ve been attack by an army of Metroids that cover her body and compromise the suit by fusing into it, hoping to take it over. Since the suit was already connected to her nervous system, Madeline shuts down and faints as the Metroids drain the suit dry. Meanwhile, Samus eradicates most of the Metroids and infected marines on SR388, but cuts her little genocide mission short to save Madeline and Ian.

Ends on a cliffhanger.

In comes Metroid Conviction which would be based on Fusion

It opens up with Madeline waking up in a medical bed, having terrible headaches, and then finally seeing a mirror where she sees her face looking like something from Species.

…..Its a horror movie about a woman who turns into an alien… nevermind..

Madeline is confused and horrified as she screams for help. But no one answers as she leaves the operating room. Madeline finds herself on board of the Bionic Space Labs, though it looks like a war zone. Blood and corpses were strewn about (Thats gonna hurt someones feelings, Im sure). Instead, she starts hearing voices in her head. As she goes through some of the halls, Madeline runs into a few Metroids. But instead of killing her, the Metroids communicate with her telepathically. Essentially, Madeline had become a human/Metroid hybrid, and could talk to Metroids.

So in this game, you would be playing as Madeline Bergman with abilities of Samus with a new gameplay mechanic tht allows you to use Metroids to explore and kill enemies. As well, during certain segments of the game, Madeline will find survivors, but she’ll have 2 choices. Kill the scientists to gain new powers, or let them live and help them escape. Its something that determines the ending of the game. As well as game difficulty.

As for Samus? She takes the role of SA-X and is hunting you in real time. All Metroids and Metroid Hybrids are a threat in her eyes. Ian is on board trying to save Madeline, though he’s lousy with that job. Madeline comes to find that the Metroids want to use her to kill Samus, absorb her powers, and become an unstoppable killing machine that would help them put the universe on the menu. Their goal is to multiply out of control and be on top of the food chain. Its in their nature, they cant help it. Madeline, being part Metroid, can’t help but sympathize with the Metroid plight, but her human side keeps coming out to reject them, angering the Metroids. All the while being pursued by Samus, Madeline is fighting with her 2 sides.

By the end of the game, you’d have 2 possibilities. 1, if you killed most of the survivors, Samus would be convinced that you’re a monster and tries to kill you. But sinc Madeline is too powerful from all the food she’s eaten, she beats and eats Samus alive. Ian arrives just in time to find Madeline with a dried husk of Samus on the ground. He tells her the cliched “I know you’re in there” approach and wants Madeline to come back to her senses. Unfortunately, Madeline is too far gone and kills Ian. Then, with the Metroids in tow, Madeline escapes and becomes a scourge of the universe.

2, if you saved the survivors, Samus stops trying to kill Madeline only for the Metroids to try and kill them both. Madeline gets the idea to lure the Metroids to her while they initiate a self-destruct sequence that will kill everyone onboard. Ian hates the idea, but Madeline doesn’t want to live as a monster. So, she tells them all to congregate on her while Samus and Ian escape. And…..BOOM!

BSL is destroyed with Madeline and Metroids on it.

Ian returns to the fedeeration and they hold a memorial service for Madeline, while Samus continues her genocide against the Metroids. None of this convinces the Federation to stop pursuing Metroid and Phazon research, now thinking of using telepathy to control Metroids.

I havent thought further ahead of 3 games, but the idea is to keep the plot focused on the Metroids. None of this Space Pirate, X-Parasite bullshit. As well, Id want to keep Samus at arms length with the Galactic Federation instead of being their errand girl. Have her be a complete mystery to the Federation at large. As well, the fans would be allowed to interpret Samus’s personality for themselves rather than some colossal jackass dictate who she is based on his own conceit.

Doing it better: Resident Evil 6

I was watching a few Mortal Kombat videos made by a guy named “The 4th Snake”, and… damn, as much as I obsess over details in movie and gaming plots, that guy has me beat. 2 hours worth of obsessing over every intricate detail, and I don’t know shit about Mortal Kombat so imagine me getting all dizzy with the info dumps going on. And… I don’t think can talk about me in regards to hating a character, his hatred of Quan Chi is breathtaking.

But the best part about the guy is that he at least comes up with his own ideas on how to improve story elements that he takes issues with. I figure “why dont I try that?” I mean sure, I came up with alternative plot threads for certain Sonic games, but not with every game out there (Or maybe I did and I cant remember which ones). And what better game to do this with than… Resident Evil 6?

Since RE2 is due out this month, I’d say its relevant.

Resident Evil 6 was released back in 2013 with one of the most abominable storylines to be shat out of RE. Worse than Revelations 2 with Alex wanting the body of a child, worse than Code Veronica with a cross dressing Ashford. What we got was a game with absolutely no sense of direction or structure. It was just cobbled together and was made with little to no effort, resulting in a plot that ultimately goes nowhere. And its bothered me for quite some time.

For those who cant remember the plot, and I dont blame you one bit as it is desirable to forget it altogether, Derrick Simmons is a member of a secret society known as the Family. For generations, they’ve shaped world events to suit their own needs and goals, hoping to create a stable world. It was Simmons who suggested the nuclear strike on Raccoon City back in RE2, thus making him responsible for wiping out an entire city. He was in charge of caring for Sherry Birkin when she was taken in custody by the US Government.

At some point, he became obsessed with Ada Wong and turned one of his colleagues, Carla Radames, into a clone of Ada. That pissed her off, and Carla set off on a plan to destroy the world that Simmons and the family worked so hard to maintain. You know… instead of just killing Simmons because that would make too much sense for crazy ass Capcom.

So Carla sets off for Edonia during their Civil War (Which has absolutely no explanation as to what this war is about, and none of the files has any info) to supply the mercs with the C-Virus that transforms them into Javo. Jake Mueller, the son of Wesker, is immune to the virus, and Sherry Birkin, who is now an agent under Simmons, conveniently shows up at the right time to confirm that Jake has the antibodies for the C-Virus. So they escape, meet up with Chris Redfield, Piers Nevans and the BSAA, get attacked by a big ass monster… 2 big ass monsters, and they manage to beat em, and Sherry/Jake leave by chopper, while Chris heads into a mansion where Carla murders his entire team. All the while, Sherry and Jake get lost in the mountains and are captured by Carla for 6 months.

And apparently, no one was concerned that one of their rookie agents was missing for 6 whole months. But Chris is drunk!? Find him, give him a squad of his own, and send him to China!

Meanwhile, Leon and his unknown partner, Helena, get caught up in Tall Oaks where President Benford was in the process of revealing the truth behind Raccoon City’s destruction. Even though people should already be aware of why it was nuked, the game doesn’t even bother filling us in on these extra secrets. But w/e, Benford is zombified and Leon has no choice but to deliver the coup de grace. Helena tells Leon that there’s a church that they need to go to. So they plow through zombies to catch a bus, literally the best part in the whole game, and manage to escape town… only to get run off the road by zombies. And somehow, these 2, through the power of main character magic, survive a bus crash off a cliff. Leon and Helena then chase dogs through a cemetery for a key, play Tower Defense with the church, solve RE4 style puzzles, defeat some random gas bitch that kills all the survivors in the church, and find underground catacombs where Helena looks for someone, lacking the common courtesy to tell Leon what the hell is going on, until Helena finds her half-naked sister lying in the middle of a cave. They carry her out a bit until she morphs, and then Ada puts an arrow through her head. Which does nothing but piss her off and they’re all forced to put her down.

Then, and ONLY then, does Helena actually explain what the piss is going on! Helena helped Simmons to kill Benford in exchange for her sister. Ada then runs off to do her own thing, eventually calling Simmons and telling him that Carla is out for revenge (She has Simmons on speed dial!?)

Meanwhile, Leon and Helena escape the caves to find that Simmons blew up Tall Oaks to destroy any evidence of his involvement (excessive because there wasn’t any to begin with), and Leon was partially framed for the death of President Benford. Leon asks Hunnigan to fake his and Helena’s deaths. ANd they catch a ride to China.

Meanwhile, Chris and Piers are back in business as they try to save some American diplomats from Javo attacks in a hotel. Chris recovers his memory afterward. And Sherry and Jake escape from a hidden facility in time to be saved by Chris and his team. All the while, Leon and Helena crash a plane on the way down to where Sherry is. While Chris fights snakes and acts like a dick while his new team gets murked, Leon is reunited with Sherry, but doesn’t seem to give a fuck that she even exists. They fight some Nemesis wannabe, win, and escape again. Leon then runs into Chris who is trying to kill Carla (with Ada Wong’s face), thus prompting him to fight Chris and proceed to get his own ass kicked. They draw their weapons until they realize who they’re dealing with, and argue about Ada’s loyalty. All the while, Carla escapes because “men are idiots” I guess, and the 2 just agree to work together by… going their separate ways.

Chris and Piers drive like idiots while Leon and Helena confront Simmons who is… right next door, apparently, and Sherry and Jake walk right in for a meh argument that goes nowhere until Simmons is shot with an injection of the C-Virus. Jake and Sherry get kidnapped again while Leon and Helena constantly fight a transforming Simmons. Meanwhile, Chris and Piers pursue Carla to a naval base where a missile containing the C-Virus is housed. They battle their way through hoards of Javo until eventually, they find Carla who taunts Chris about his poor leadership skills that led to his team becoming valuable test subjects. But Chris tells her to piss off about that noise and Carla reveals that she plans to infect the whole world. But then, she gets shot with an injection of C-Virus (redundant, no?) and she falls to her death, or so we think. Chris and Piers make off with a sample of the C-Virus that was conveniently on the ground near them, hijack a jet fighter, and then use it to destroy the navel base. But before that, Ada Wong confronts a rapidly mutating Carla who fuses with the damn ship in one of the most fucked up boss fights in all of RE, up until beehive vagina in #7.

Even though Chris and Piers destroy the base, a missile launches and hits the city, infecting Wayip where Leon and Helena are. Leon tells Chris to go to an underwater facility to find Sherry and Jake as he has the antibodies for the C-Virus, and is Wesker’s son. Chris also tells Leon that his bitch is dead (not). Leon and Helena escape the infected portion of the city only to deal with more city-wide destruction and come face to face with Simmons again who turns into a mother fucking T-REX! Then they climb a building and he turns into a cat, and Ada is shown to be alive. After confronting Simmons in lion form and tossing him off a building, Ada leaves again. And Leon and Helena fight Simmons again, this time as Baxter from the Ninja Turtles. They FINALLY kill him for good and escape in a chopper with all the evidence that implicates Simmons as being responsible for everything that happens.

Meanwhile, Chris and Piers rescue Sherry and confesses to Jake that he was responsible for killing his father, Wesker. Jake, like a fucking rage-induced teenager, pulls a gun on him even though Jake has no reason to be upset about this as he expressed nothing but contempt for his own father, and even more so after hearing he tried to destroy the world. He gets over himself and he takes Sherry with him to escape, while Chris and Piers fight off against HAOS, a creature who could infect the world’s oceans and in turn, make hell on Earth. They succeed, but not without Piers sacrificing himself by turning himself into a Javo and electrocuting the Perfect Chaos wannabe.

Chris escapes in time to be extracted (CONVENIENT!) and he continues fighting for the BSAA despite his desire to retire, and Helena is granted amnesty by the government from her involvement in Benford’s death (which is total bullshit, you got the president killed! You go to jail for that!) Jake is used to stop the spread of the C-Virus and the world is saved.

There is another scene where Jake is in a desert fighting for apples, but that’s unimportant. There’s plenty of details I did not list, but that is the basic jist of the plot. And its absolutely terrible. You can’t even get the full picture of the game’s plot without hunting for medallions and getting secret files in the game’s bonus materials. You basically have the player do extracurricular bullshit just to get the big picture of the story. Otherwise, they’re confused and have no idea whats going on. I’d hazard a guess that the game was only supposed to feature Leon and Helena’s chapter alone, but got hazed into adding 2 additional campaigns and had to streamline the files into one tedious archive, but it makes the story and motives of the villains incredibly hard to follow. And even if you got the big picture, its still a shit story. Simmons goes through a lot of trouble to kill President Benford… and that’s it for his character motivations, now he’s trying to stop Carla from destroying the world. If anything, he seems to be a neutral character who leans more on the evil side. As a member of a society who’s goal is to maintain global stability by any means necessary, his actions are just a part of the job. His own self a indulgences are what gets the world into shit, and he’s stuck having to clean it up.

Plus, there’s too much going on. There’s too much focus on the character’s own personal strife that you don’t get a chance to focus on the plot. Jake wanting to run from who he is or something, Chris dealing with Amnesia, Helena’s revenge, all shit we couldn’t care about because you’re too busy trying to figure out what the hell is happening. There’s nothing to explain Edonia’s civil war. At all. There’s no reason given for why the game takes place in China. Yes, that’s important! The settings for Resident Evil games have always had a purpose. The Spencer Mansion holding a secret lab for the T-Virus and being a testing ground for combat data, the Police Station being a front for a hidden Umbrella facility for testing of the G-Virus, Rockfort Island being the home of the esteemed Ashford family, co-founders of Umbrella, as well as the Antartic being the holding grounds for 2 infected Ashfords, Europe for the Los Illuminados and the origin of the Las Plagas, Africa (groan) for being the origin for the original T-Virus, etc. There’s always been a reason for why events take place in the settings chosen. Edonia and Wayip just seem random, and were only fit to be contrived set pieces for action sequences.

I suppose you could say that Carla had no specific reason for choosing these locales and just wanted to test out her C-Virus while causing instability throughout the world, and I guess that’s fine, but it ruins any chance for a mythos surrounding the locales chosen and leaves them as empty set pieces, again, for action sequences and not much else. More importantly, shouldn’t Simmons have access to all of the BSAA’s mission reports and suspected something wrong when the C-Virus was reported to be in Edonia, and acted immediately to squash w/e was going on before China ever happened?

The obvious answer is that Capcom tried to do too much, and as result made a sloppy plot with sloppy action sequences, characters, the works. And yet, I think all of it could still salvaged. If Capcom has no shame in maintaining RE6’s canon status, it needs a few touch ups. The game’s story could still work in a way. And A LOT of it would have to change.

If I was in charge, here’s how I’d do it.

I’d cut out Ada, Helena, and Jake altogether, and cut the game down to 1-2 campaigns. That way you’d have more focus on the actual plot rather superficial struggles with inner demons which encompass much of Chris and Jake’s plots.

Simmons motivations and background history would be radically altered. Instead of some Illuminati surrogate with a kinky fanboy fetish for Ada Wong, he would instead be a former Umbrella employee obsessed with Birkin’s research on the G-Virus. During the events of Resident Evil 2, he would’ve been an aide to the President while secretly working under orders by Umbrella to suggest a lot of shit to the President in their favor. Nuking Raccoon would’ve been strategic for Umbrella as it destroys all evidence that implicates their involvement with the catastrophe and keep Umbrella’s name clean. In addition, Simmons gets access to Sherry Birkin who carries a strain of the G-Virus and her vaccine antibodies. All the experiments done on her would have been by Simmons requests/suggestions/advice/etc. But at the same time, since Simmons is in charge of overseeing her, Sherry comes to see him as a surrogate father, especially since he allows her to see Clair Redfield. But Leon would be kept away from her considering that he’s forced to work as a government agent. Thus, there’s a bit of a rift between Leon and Sherry. She doesn’t resent Leon, but feels that he probably doesnt give 2 shits about her considering he never payed a visit. This is important.

Since Umbrella doesn’t get dissolved until after Code Veronica and Umbrella Chronicles Russia missions, lets say Simmons tries to cut a deal with Alfred Ashford. Since he now has access to the G-Virus, the 2 could make a power play in shaping Umbrella’s future. Since Alfred has some access to the T-Veronica Virus, the 2 could rise up the ranks in Umbrella. Simmons would have the authority he wants to delve more into the G-Virus and potential BOWs. He assumes the G means God, and thus was the next in human evolution and to reach Godhood.

Wesker fucks that up by attacking Rockfort and getting the one partner Simmons needed…. killed. The aftermath has Umbrella being shut down permanently, and BOW research being outlawed, which meant that his goal of experimenting any further with G-Virus comes to a halt. Simmons resents Wesker for this. At the same time, he hears that Wesker is searching for viruses, and if he got a hold of Sherry, he gets the G-Virus for his own purposes, and Simmons wasn’t gonna let that happen.

But without Umbrella, Simmons was without a safety net, so for the next several years, he enacted a plan to hopefully revive Umbrella and continue his research. The problem was Wesker. Ofcourse, Chris took care of that issue. With the most overrated RE character dead, Simmons could finally put his plan into motion.

During his experiments, he found both a cause and cure for the G-virus from Sherry’s bloodwork, and created a new strand of the G-Virus (calling it C-Virus to remove all suspicion that Sherry is the source, thus his experiments and tests on her would not be implicated). I believe this works fine as the C-virus has similar traits to the G-Virus such as mutations and the growing of eyeballs and organs on different sections of the body. So, he hits up some of his old colleagues from Umbrella to form a pseudo team of professionals who would come up with the “solution” to the new C-Virus problem. All they needed was a false flag to put their plan into motion. With that, they would provide a cure for the C-Virus, and proclaim that Umbrella scientists are the only ones capable of resolving bioterrorist attacks, but they would need funding and facilities similar to those by Umbrella. Its a longshot, but Simmons was confident it would work. But then… another issue arises.

A Chinese pharmaceutical company named “Haos” (just roll with it) proposes that with all the bioterrorist attacks in the last several years, it would be they who provide potential cures for viral outbreaks. If that’s the case, his chance of reviving Umbrella is shot. But.. it does give him an idea. He would unleash the C-Virus into China, and he would lay suspicion at Haos’s feet, thus preventing them from getting public support and bolster his own! 2 birds with one stone. Simmons hires mercenaries to carry out a terrorist attack in China to kick start his plan.

But then we have President Benford! Since Benford and Leon got along so well, Benford had sympathy for Leon and his horrible experiences. Benford and every President before him would keep the secret of Raccoon City a secret, IE the US government being complicit in why it was nuked in the first place, not as a last resort to keep the virus from spreading, but to destroy evidence of Umbrella’s involvement overall. Benford felt guilt for even trying to keep a secret and would’ve exposed everything. The chance for Umbrella to be revived would be killed instantly. So now Simmons had to shift gears and get Benford killed. At the same time, he began to harbor resentment toward Leon as he was the one to influence Benford in the first place. Simmons also feared that Leon himself knew the secret and would spill it to the public if Benford himself couldnt. So now, he needed a false flag in Tall Oaks where Benford would be at. Once he takes care of Benford and Leon, he would refocus his efforts into China and Haos.

Around the same time, Sherry trained to be an agent if only it meant that she wouldn;t be trapped in some rundown lab for experiments. And Benford decided to have her and Leon be on security detail while he was in Tall Oaks. Not ideal for Simmons as he still wants to keep Sherry alive.

So now for the actual playable characters. Leon and Sherry would be partners as it makes perfect sense. Sherry would be willing to prove that she’s a capable agent, although her only reason for doing so is to be free from the government’s tests. Leon would be concerned over Sherry’s involvement as he still sees her as that 12 year old girl he saved in Raccoon City, but this offends Sherry as she sees Leon as overbearing. And he didnt seem to care when she was in custody of the government. No visits or anything. At the same time, Sherry expresses favor toward Simmons as he took care of her for most of her life.

The plan moves forward and Benford becomes a zombie, Leon is forced to kill him while Sherry is horrified. Instead of a basic plan to find a church outside of town, however, the 2 decide they need to get out of the city. All the while, Sherry has terrible flashbacks of Raccoon City which causes her to lose her nerve. But Leon helps her through the madness as they make their escape. Yadda Yadda up to the church, they discover an abandoned Umbrella lab with some tunnels that lead outside of Tall Oaks. And like Raccoon, Simmons nukes the town, destroying any evidence of his involvement. But he finds out that Leon and Sherry survived. So Simmons, in hopes of of swaying the public to go against Leon should he decide to reveal shit, he pins the terrorist attack and the murder of Benford on Leon’s shoulders. And a global manhunt begins for him. Leon is forced to cut all contact with the government while Sherry, who is still considered innocent, can continue to use their resources. They find out from Hunnigan that Simmons is going to China for some reason. And they both decide to do the same.

Meanwhile, Simmons orders/requests that the BSAA to hunt down Leon Kennedy who may have gone to China for another potential bioterrorist attack. Chris, who would be in charge of the manhunt, had trouble believing that Leon, the same man who helped his sister escape Raccoon, and the one who resolved the Los Illuminados incident, could be capable of such a thing. Later, however, they get a report of BOWs in China, where Leon was located and framed for. Piers tells Chris that the only way to get answers is to ask him directly. Smmons figures this would be great PR. The man who saved the world from Albert Wesker would be the one to take down Leon S Kennedy! Chris and Piers head to China for their standard Chapter 1 mission.

Leon and Sherry, ofcourse, crash their plane ride. They go through the city, dealing with zombies and Javo alike, and manage to run into a Haos scientist who reveals that this new “C-Virus” has a similar composition to the G-Virus, and came pre-packaged with Sherry’s unique DNA structure, meaning her blood was used to create the new virus. And the person who ordered all of her experiments was Simmons himself, making him a suspect. Sherry, however, didn’t want to believe that Simmons would use her. After all, he was so kind and nurturing to her considering all the shit she’s been through. Plus, she was told that those tests would be used to find ways to prevent tragedies like Raccoon from ever happening again. Leon rebukes her, telling her not to be so naive or to be so trusting of people. Afterall, he’s been burned twice (Ada and Krauser stabbed him in the back, afterall), but Sherry blows him off again, choosing to believe that Simmons wouldn’t see her as a tool.

Later on, Leon and Sherry are both found by Chris and Piers, and they get into their fist fight. Leon tells Chris that he isn’t responsible for the attacks, and Chris responds “then why did you run!?” Sherry eventually gets Chris and Piers to back off by showing them everything they found out about the C-Virus, which points to Simmons as the culprit. Not to mention she’s a key witness to the Tall Oaks massacre. Chris, because Clair knows both Leon and Sherry from raccoon, decides to take her word for it and goes with Piers to do more investigating. Sherry is reluctant, but she might have to confront Simmons about the C-Virus.

Eventually they do, and Simmons just lays it all on the table. Yes, he did use her blood to create the C-Virus. Yes, he did have Benford killed, yes, he framed Leon for both Tall Oaks and the current outbreak in China. His goal being the resurrection of Umbrella! Leon responds by saying Spencer is dead, and Simmons was wasting his time trying to revive an old fool’s dream, tho Simmons rebukes by saying its for his purpose of becoming a God!

Shit happens, and Simmons injects himself with the Virus and begins mutating out of control. Leon and Sherry escape only for Sherry to have an emotional breakdown. Knowing that she meant nothing to her surrogate father beyond a tool for gaining power, it struck too close for home as she relents that its no different than her real parents who kept her at arms length. In the end, she can’t escape her father’s legacy. It’ll follow her wherever she goes. Leon tells her to buck up and that if she cant escape her father’s legacy, then it’s her responsibility to end it once and for all. That’s enough to get her out of her slump.

Thus, they head to Haos HQ where a mutated Simmons is attacking and killing shit. Along the way, they are joined by Chris and Piers who assist them in taking down infected. At the top floor, they fight Simmons to the point that he turns into a giant fly, but the 4 heroes eventually wittle him down to where Sherry can deliver the Coup de Grace herself!

“I wont be a slave to the sins of my father!” or something equally as badass.

Afterward, the Umbrella scientists that Simmons had called up decided that things have gone out of control, and decide that instead of using a viral outbreak for political power, they just decide to give China the cure and end the threat once & for all. As a result of their efforts, the US government grants them the funding and facilities they needed to counteract bioterrorism across the globe. Ironically calling themselves Blue Umbrella.

Leon was still wanted for the murder of Benford, though Chris refuses to lead the charge. As for Leon and Sherry, they part ways. Leon telling Sherry that she can now be free to be who she wants. And she agrees to remain an agent. Leon is now on the run, probably taking care of Maneulla from Darkside Chronicles as the main reason he couldn’t visit Sherry before (half-assed excuse, I know).

Damn, I wish I had money and resources, I’d shit all over these industries. So simple how you could fix RE6 by simply trimming the fat ass calories of Troy Baker and Laura Bailey. The idea is to give emphasis to Sherry Birkin and her development, something that was missing in RE6 and annoyed me to no end. How the fuck do you bring back a character after 15 years and do jack shit with her except babysit an asshole? And why keep her from interacting with Leon? Talk about a missed opportunity

ReviewTechUSA being declared Racist over Souljaboy console?

He did co-sign the Bill Cosby verdict >_>

2018 was a horrible year

Sorry for being the usual downer, I’m still grouchy from my car being a total loss. First car, fully paid off, just to lose it to a teenager. Just burns my ass.

Looking back, 2018 was hell. Mass shootings were ramped up, white folks were showing their asses in full force (lynching dolls in a barber shop is just soooo mature) videogame tournament had it’s first shooting, black women embarrassing themselves over an Asian hair salon, MCU, car problems, Knuckles Fiasco, the swatting of Nasheed, Injustice 2, having police called on children for selling water or bumping into people, Botham Jean fiasco, Chinese showing their asses in Africa, that… “Queen Jelz” situation in California, baby modification is now a thing, Bill Cosby is in prison, Aretha Franklin died, Kevin Hart is getting the business, NFL protests seem to be weakening, Kaepernick’s endorsement inspires some goofy rage, and now we have some shut down because President Dump has a hard on for walls. Actually, that’s less traffic I gotta deal with. 😛

Yes, this was a rough year to be had. Certainly the entertainment is getting better, and with all the pain that’s going around, we’re all in need of some diversion. Still, I don’t see anything getting better next year. As the world seems to be devolving into barbarism, I don’t see mass shootings ending or even reducing in number. If anything, people are taking notice of the mess the world is in. What anyone plans to do about it is… up in the air.

For those who managed to survive this year alone, here’s hoping you have a wonderful New Year. And I hope people will stop texting while driving, the fucks!

I do nothing but watch my rear view mirror anymore, is this what PTSD feels like!?

What I want from Mortal Kombat 11

Lets say that… hypothetically that I was super hyped up about MK11. I saw the trailer, Dark Raiden is an “evil” version of a character that all the little kids will assume is “teh awesomeness“, so I couldn’t give 2 shits.

Injustice 2 was a great tragedy that nearly turned me off fighting games completely. It’s monetization was beyond the threshold of arrogance and greed, and could very well have neutered what might’ve been an alright game had none of these “ideas” turned the game into a tedious, grindy bore. You wouldn’t believe the amount of players that were “just fine” with that shit, shows how far gamers have fallen (ironically, EA got the business with their lootboxes instead). The game itself went down the dark path of Street Fighter and turned into a zoning paradise. I literally had to rethink my opinion of MKX after playing this shit. Injustice 2 lived up to it’s namesake, indeed.

This game causes me nothing but skepticism from Netherrealm from here on out, not so much from the developers, but because Warner clearly has their thumb up their asses in regards to how content is rolled out. I wanna give Ed Boon the benefit of the doubt. Injustice 2 was this giant promotion scheme that never needed to be made. And you can tell that Netherrealm doesn’t want to bother with DC shit because hey, the character’s moves barely changed at all, and the new characters felt like ass to play until you unlocked more moves from them, and there’s no balance at all. MKX at least felt like they tried to do something with it.

So… maybe there’s hope for MK11? Idk. I’m still interested in seeing how they fuck up the story next, at least. What with Liu Kang as the king of the Netherrealm (I dont even know how to feel about that).

So all I can think of is a wish list.

Give…me…Kai, Goddammit. Hell, with Liu Kang dead, he could be as good as a successor to the Shaolin, as well becoming the new champion of Mortal Kombat, just to piss off the fanboys (for obvious reasons.)

No Pennywise guest character oh who am I kidding, that bitch is as good as confirmed.

A story that isn’t about turning MK into a highschool. Though I’m pretty sure Jacqui and Takeda’s inevitable spawn will be a new character. Hmm…. “Spawn”

How about Judge Dredd as a guest?

Return move inputs back to MK9. Jax’s dash punch needs to be usable again! And I doubt aeriel grabs were broken to make them tedious to perform.

Take off Krypt jumpscares. Because fuck you, I want clean underwear.

Make Johnny a joke again. It was unbearable seeing him clown Shinnok of ALL people.

Sub-Zero’s Shredder costume from Armageddon. It was his BEST LOOK EVER!

You see this!? You only wished Scorpion looked this amazing

No AI exclusive story characters. I couldn’t play Rain because reasons?

Maybe a guest from Eternal Champions…

Bring back Tanya’s fine ass. And keep her far away from the cake soap this time!

Bring back Nightwolf?

But most of all…

BRING BACK KOMBAT KART RACING!!!!

And tag matches

Merry Friggin Christma… well hell.

Guess I have to forgive my niece. Actually replaced my phone with a tablet. With a keyboard! It’s faster than that Icraig I’ve been using.

Small as hell, though. But… I guess she ain’t too bad. Now I gotta catch up on the last… 12 episodes of Goblin Slayer 😛

Where’s mah N64 and Saturn Classics, yah dinguses!?

No Bloody Roar!? This is an Outra- Battle Arena Toshiden!? Sweet! Puzzle Fighter, dafuq…

​

So we have a PS1 Classic console! Price tag is a bit steep, especially with no adapter for the damn thing, but it was the biggest console of the late 90s considering it raped Nintendo’s market. And Playstation fans were stupid enough to pay $600 for a PS3…

Now I want my N64 Classic, gawddammit! You know how much shit I’d like to play again!? My launch N64 still works, but barely. I gotta blow it’s ass a million times before it starts working right. Come on! MISCHEIF MAKERS! CHAMELEON TWIST! BOMBERMAN 64! CASTLEVANIA LEGACY OF DARKNESS oh who am I kidding, we’d probably get the same shit ass selection from VC on Wii. Filled with Nintendo brand slop. Then again, I could go and play Mario Kart again…

Damn I miss Nintendo 64 games. I remember Robotron 64, that shit was hard! Having to use the C-Buttons to shoot people didn’t make a whole lick of sense to me. Tetrisphere was interesting as an idea. Quest 64 wouldn’t work for me. 

And what about the Sega Saturn? Obviously Sonic Jam and Nights. Maybe Astal? Panzer Dragoon, defintely. I don’t really know a whole lot of games that was on Saturn. Kinda doubt Sgea would even bother. I could use a platform to play Virtual-On… on. Probably get a Sega CD/32X Classic before a Saturn classic.

Plus, having the option to play w/e games you already own would be a lovely plus if the actual consoles don’t include the games you want. I know that selection the PS1 classic has is pretty dissappointing (Not even SOTN? CVS1?), but the worst thing is that it can’t even play w/e PS1 games you owned before. It’s a ripoff, but that’s Sony for yah.It’s easier for Nintendo and Sega to give you a selection of games because most of the shit they provided are games THEY MADE AND OWNED! Playstation, despite it’s success, was forever at the mercy of 3rd parties. So the selection of games for the classic is gimped because there’s too many rights issues they’d have to go through. Crash and Spyro are owned by Activision now, so they’re nowhere to be found. And it seems like Namco and Capcom got stengy with the games, you’d think there’d be more fighters from them, at least Soul Blade or Darkstalkers, but nothing cept that damn Puzzle Fighter!? At least the Genesis classic came with the fucking Mortal Kombat Trilogy, you mean to tell me Sega has more juice than Sony!?

Space might’ve been the culprit since FF7 and MGS1 came on multiple discs, but they could’ve done better, especially at the price they’re demanding. No AC Adapter, really!? They got the whole world fucked up with that. About the only good that came out of this is that people hacked the damn thing to play PS1 games off the USB, which is hilarious.

Sega and Nintendo at least delivered the goods, which is probably why a Classic 64bit console from them would smoke Sony’s pitiful attempt at cash grabbing. Imagine that! It would be the sweet taste of revenge if an N64/Saturn Classic hit store shelves! THE CLASSIC CONSOLE WARS! BWAHAHAHAHHHAAAHAHA!

Ahem…Classic Dreamcast needs to happen.