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Ah, those were the days. When Sonic games had a last story that would tie up all loose ends and connect everyone’s story together. Back when I played SA2B, I thought beating both Hero and Dark Side stories was the end of the game. To my amazement and eventual satisfaction, the game continued onward!

After a while, this practice… got old. By the time we get to 06, we wouldn’t want it anymore as it turned into an excuse to make you play every character’s story before being able to finish the game. Combine that with needing all chaos emeralds, and we come to the present day where Taxman can say “extra characters are simply padding“.

And considering how long it actually takes to finish Stories in 06, this “padding” became unbearable. Let’s get on wit it. 

It starts off with Sonic and Elise walking in a forest when a wall of fire appears. Distracted, Mephilis rises up from the ground and kills Sonic the Hedgehog! Despite how hated this game is, that’s pretty damn hardcore. Or it would be if this was the real Sonic. You know, Mephilis should be Game Scoop’s mascot.

Elise then cries, unleashing Iblis. Mephilis takes this opportunity and uses the 7 chaos emeralds to fuse with Iblis and become Solaris. 

Wait.. if… if that was his plan the whole time… why did he bother leaving the future!? Think about it. At the beginning of Silver’s story, Mephilis tells Silver that the key to destroying Iblis was to kill Sonic, which would’ve caused Elise to cry and unleash Iblis anyway. But… he was already in a time period where Iblis was awakened! He could’ve just had Silver and Blaze gather Chaos Emeralds in the current time period and then have the 2 beat Iblis to a fiery pulp, and then used the Emeralds to fuse there! Remember, when Silver beats Iblis phase 3, he turns into fire. Mephilis had no reason (other than maybe retreating from Shadow) to go back to the past. Speaking of which, Shadow’s group is surrounded by ooze. Then… shit happens.

All of time becomes distorted and… looks like the distortion world from Pkmn Platinum? Even Silver was here. Robotnik explains that because of Mephilis’s manipulations, killing Sonic yadda yadda. This has always bothered me since the game first came out. Robotnik seemed pretty upset that Mephilis made Elise cry, even though…

  1. At the beginning of the game, his stated objective was to take the flames of disaster from Elise, and eventually he’d have to make her cry himself, possibly through torture. 
  2. Didn’t he always hate Sonic? You’d think he would be a tiny bit overjoyed seeing his arch nemesis wasted thanx to the Harley Quinn principle of “just shooting him“. Even if the world has gone to hell.

 Silver realizes he was duped and Amy is obviously devastated. This scene… got heavy, I admit. Then ofcourse, Animu Dues Ex occurs and Elise somehow hears Sonic In the wind (wtf!?) which gives Silver the idea to use Chaos Emeralds to bring him back. Thanx alot Sega, now i’ll never hear an end to all the Dragon Ball comparisons. 

And so now the gang has to find the  7 Emeralds scattered throughout subspace, one character per emerald. Now we know the real reason Blaze was killed off. End of the World is a fantastic example of artificial difficulty. You’re basically going through 7 of the original 9 zones (No Radical Train or Aquatic Base). 7 acts total, you lose all lives here, you start all over, being punished by the endless cutscenes. So…. why is this artificial difficulty? Because overtime, these giant tears in space open up and start sucking you in. If you so much as brush past them shits, you die. And each act gets really…. really crowded. To make things easier, you have these altars that stabilizes space and allows you supposedly safe passage until them tears start up again. Doesn’t help that these altars are few and far between. Your main concern should be getting as many 1ups as possible to last longer as you’ll be dying a lot if the game demands it.

Act 1 is Crisis City with Tails. Pretty simple, actually

Act 2 is Flame Core with Omega. You have to be really good with his hovering skills or you’ll eat lava and bottomless pits. 

Act 3 is Tropical Jungle with Knuckles. You’ll come to hate Knux’s rapid descent here as many platforms start seeming too high to reach. Also because its a giant clusterfuck of a zone, you’ll get lost easily. It took me 5 retries just to find the emerald.

Act 4 is Dusty Desert with Silver. Here’s where it gets real bullshit. There’s so many parts where they make you run between 2 of these tear shits. I’m tellin y’all, my rage from this one Act alone. I lost count of how many times I died from this shit. This is also where I learned that all sand kills you. I make it near the end and jumped right into that sand pile on that tower… I fucking screamed at this shit! It’s beyond tedious, and these damned tears pull you in… just fuck Act 4 altogether. When I finally beat that shit, I pissed myself.

Act 5 is Wave Ocean with Rouge. Just like Act 3, it’s very easy to getlist and not know the damned Emerald is. But it’s not hard.

Act 6 is Acropolis with Amy. Easy and straight-forward!

And Act 7 is Kingdom Valley with Shadow. This isn’t bullshit like Act 4, but it’s just as tedious. Those damned tears pop up in the worst places, mainly in areas that you have to land in from the air. I remember one time I landed away from a tear only to get shot by a missile off-screen, and was eventually pulled into the tear. Act 7 had all the ingredients of artificial difficulty, a fact that is thinly disguised by the amount of altars you get here.

End of the World is so disgustingly trial & error, Naughty Dog had 5 boners all at once.

After that BS, we get the scene that made everyone shit themselves with recoiling terror, and gave millions epileptic seizures, numbers that Porygon would be proud of. The day… that Elise kissed Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes boys and girls, even though before this catastrophic event, we accepted that Batman kissed Cheetah in the Justice League cartoon (even in the previews!), the marriage of Roger and Jessica Rabbit, or even the possibility of one of your favorite Ninja Turtles getting busy with April O’neal… until the movies shattered those dreams…. by having April played by Megan Fox. Oh yeah, Casey Jones, him too.

Sidetracking aside, that kiss did seem unnecessary. The Chaos Emeralds and this… ritual… should’ve been all that was needed to bring Sonic back to life. The kiss just came out of nowhere. Re-watching all those Elise scenes I skipped over, there was literally nothing implying they even had that kind of relationship going on… unless you count that bullshit with Amy. For the most, the relationship was more along the lines of “kid with low self-esteem meets magical awesome hero who inspires him/her to greatness”. Except Elise doesn’t seem… to have low self-esteem either….aw fuck it.

So they use the Dragon Balls to bring Sonic back to life, and I suppose that kiss  gave him a kickass coat of gold because the power of boners is stronger. Then Elise almost passes out… uhhhh…. Sonic shares his power amongst Shadow and Silver… and no one else. It really is like DBZ, if you’re not a hedgehog, you don’t matter! Just like those Saiyan whores. Give me Hyper Knuckles, you fucks!

Oh well, final fight. I was confused as to what I was supposed to do. I had to figure out what hog could damage Solaris at the time. Quite frankly, it goes in this order. Silver, Shadow, then Sonic….. I think. I don’t really know. Hell I managed to damage the old bird with Sonic before using Silver. And ohhh boy, dat micromanagement. Before attacking at all, you want a full bar of cyan stuff if you want any chance of hurting him. Other than that… it’s shameful that the final boss is easier than the final level. Time consuming, maybe (because kicking his ass seems to be RNG half the time)) but insanly easy. Every Sonic game (sans SCD) has had a tough end boss, either by legitimate challenge (S3K) or total bullshit (S1&2, most 3D Sonic games). Eitherway, this fight was simply pathetic. We’ve fought an alien that was tougher than this.

After the bout, there’s a bright flash of light that covers everything and makes everyone but Sonic and Elise disappear from thin air. And those 2 are whisked back to before the deadly experiment.. to when Solaris was a wittle baby candle flame! Dawwwww!

The king explains to Kid Elise that this candle would let them travel through time (how the fuck would that even work!?) No no no, this needs further investigation. Fans ask about the fucking moon from Sonic Adventure fucking #2, but no one pondered how the fuck a piece of mutant fire could control time!?

The goal was to bring back the King’s wife… I guess. After that touching scene, Elise tells Sonic that blowing out the candle would save everyone, but laments that she wouldn’t get to see Sonic again. Of course, he gives her that gay ass line of “just smile“… to which she does and promptly blows out the flame (oh shit! Baby murder!!)

Then they’re back at the festival where Sonic just races by, scaring the shit out of people only to remind Elise that he exists. Isn’t dat tweet?

I suppose it’s not a bad ending, but eh, they couldn’t pay me to care about the story.

Final Thoughts

*sigh* I can still recall the hype when this game was announced. People were legitimately excited one last time for a Sonic game. I can recall the rage, the massive dissappointment, the ass ton of bad reviews, and the false hope that Secret Rings could turn things around. Even 06 didn’t kill people’s desire to continue playing Sonic games. It wasn’t until the Werehog that people gave up on the series. That was the tipping point. Shth and 06 were the cracks. These days, i’m shocked to find people coming out saying they liked Unleashed. It’s… admittedly refreshing to see some people liking Shth despite no one talking about it.

It was weird to me. You never hear about Bomberman Act Zero. DmC. Sunshine. Other M. Starfox Command. But no matter what, we’re always going back to this game, specifically. Fans have actually gone to using this game as a means to silence others for daring to want other characters or even a deeper plot. Like some videogame version of Auschwitz that we must never forget. I’m like… why this game, though? What makes it so special? 

I mean yeah, gaming icon, massive hype before release, nothing like the other games I’ve mentioned, some of which actually bounced back from these low points. But even in the face of bigger insults like Boom and Lost Mind, this game sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the entire gaming community.

Having played through the whole game, I can safely say it has nothing to do with it being an unfinished product. Hell, The Witcher 3 has even worse bugs (hard crashes) and people herald it as goty. People can enjoy buggy games. Of course… that’s where the problems come in. There’s not a single element of this whole game that is even remotely enjoyable. Most of the time, 06 just felt like work. You have to do specific things in each zone to progress (like the stupid ball puzzles or destroying searchlights or even trapping a whale behind steel gates). Sure, you had BS in SA1&2 like finding relic keys and placing them on altars from Pyramid Cave or needing to farm rings in Casinopolis, or all the general fetch quests that were mandatory. Yet somehow, those games remain loved even in the wake of modern day critics. 

So then you get to the content issue (which is finished) and you get the actual problem. The game’s content just doesn’t offer any incentive to play through the game. Silver stood no chance of gaining fans thanx to a lacking design and the existence of Shth, the story is flat out boring and uninteresting, there’s no real lore, just a bunch of hokey magic science that does w/e the plot demands… it really felt like a game geared towards anime fans, and anime was already in decline due to epically bad writing and the increasing demand to appeal to otakus. It just doesn’t fit Sonic. The music is ok for about 4 zones, but the existence of mp3’s makes the incentive of the soundtrack nonexistent. 06 simply didn’t have anything going for it to warrant the massive hype. 

And that’s probably the real reason. Any major hype for any movie/game that simply doesn’t stack up to it is always met with understandably irrational rage. Understandable as you were promised something awesome and got burned, and irrational as critical reception is disproportionately negative and tends to accentuate areas that aren’t big issues overall (Martha). None of this excuses the product at hand, but there’s nothing here that we haven’t been exposed to in other games of the last generation. The controversy of this game is strange. No one talks about Superman 64 decades after it’s release.

06 is a bad game. Shit, its tedious and frustrating! But what In this game warrants constant mention? The over -arching desire for Sega to never do this again? Cause mission accomplished 7 years ago! Now all Sonic games try to be anti06 by focusing strictly on being unserious, kiddy, no extra characters and gameplay focused. And by gameplay, I mean loads more puzzles. What better way to convince dumbasses you have good gameplay than by shoving brain teasers into it with minimal action?

But w/e. The technical problems are the least of this game’s problems. But it and Black Knight are the last games that have other playable characters at least until Mania comes out (no, Boom is not a Sonic game) so it’s something I had to put up with. I just hope the nonsense fallacy of “multiple characters doom the franchise” ends.

Ah Shadow. What used to be the most popular Sonic character at the time became the center of scorn after getting his own game. Personally, he was ruined  for me when he was brought back to life and given animu trope #5: AMNESIA!! Because it works so well in Japan! 

Even so, Shadow still remains a relatively interesting character despite his severe mishandling over the years (Oh Boom), but at the time, people complained that Shadow was taking the spotlight away from Sonic. It’s a complaint that confused me until I went through his story in 06.

Gameplay & zones

Combat, combat, and oh yeah, combat. Shadow is all about destroying enemies. All of his moves are tailored made for going long bouts against enemies… which is honestly pathetic when compared to Sonic’s bounce attack that rips asses to shreds.

 I don’t like Shadow’s gameplay. Back then, everyone loved Shadow in this game, and it had to have been a content reason. The recovery of his homing attack is slow because he has some little retarded kicks added to the mixture (IE nerged damage on homing attack), his Chaos Spears only stun enemies, and worst of all, Shadow has micromanagement. Chaos Boost gives him a glowing rash and ass & allows access to new abilities like the Chaos Lance and Blast.

Shadow also gets vehicles that are worse than the ones in his own game. They can only shoot missiles that have to be recharged after 2 fuckin shots (only the motorbike has bullets) and control about as well as the Ridge Racer games.

Ironically, his amigos are more fun to play. Rouge is basically Tails and Knuckles with bewbs and better gliding abilities (doesn’t descend too fast) and Omega is explosions. Nuff said. His hovering abilities are shit, though. 

Shadow’s zones are more tedious than Silver’s but less than Sonic’s. Most of them have annoying little missions you must complete before finishing the zone.

Acropolis is a mediocre primer for Shadow’s gameplay as you start off on a friggin ski slope! The angles on that camera are terrible! And of the trees obscure your view, and hide a switch under a pile of rocks!? I was stuck for days trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Then you gotta destroy search lights for some reason… bah

Kingdom Valley once again infuriates me to no end as they decided to throw in a fetch quest! Some reason we needed to be reminded of the tedium of SA1&2’s treasure hunting zones. But see, those days we had FUCKING RADARS!!! We don’t get shit here and in a big ass place like this, it should’ve been here in the first place! But naw, we gotta do shit blind!

Wave Ocean I got stuck on in the last area as I just didn’t know what to do. Plus, Shadow’s ass is glued to the seat or something as he cannot exit the vehicle. I was trippin the entire time, I thought it really was a bug. It could’ve been, there shouldn’t be any reason I can’t dismount from a vehicle. Then I went up to an accelerating ramp, launched off of it, and died. …..yeah! The damn… boat or w/e just up and crashed in the water. I have no dea how or why, but…. dead!

Dusty Desert starts off with that same boat where I had to follow pillars with arrows that rise out of the ground to lead me to Act 2. It’s… kinda dumb, and unless you hit that hint ring, you’re likely to get lost the first time, having no idea of what to do. Like me.

Shadow’s bosses are the same as Sonic’s for the most part, being that the same strategies of waiting for opportunities certainly applies here. The only differences are the 2 Mephilis fights where you simply have to build up your meter and use Chaos Boost to damage him at all. The first time, he just hides in your Shadow (creepy bastard) until you get a boost to beat him, at least until you play Omega and completely murder his ass. 

The second fight is barely any different with the exception of 3 big ass… liquid crystal golems that shoot lasers at you, but they’re still just fodder for building up your meter.

So really, Shadow’s bosses are just as unimpressive as Silver’s. 

Story & Missions

It’ll be quite difficult to make fun of Shadow’s story because…  honestly? It’s the most well written one of the bunch! And it barely affects anything else in the game’s story aside from 1 scene. I also enjoyed the lack of missions.  ðŸ™‚ Let’s get on wit it. 

So Shadow starts off by running straight through an army of robots as though they were just a light breeze. Then hides from a searchlight even though he shows that he can fucking teleport… which confuses me unless the intro to Shth is somehow canon and not just there for Sega to show off some CG talent. He infiltrates Robotnik’s base to find Rouge who was looking for something called the “Scepter of Darkness”. Wooooo, spooky! As they try to head out, they’re ambushed by Cerberus, but… teleportation. 

After escaping, they wind up in the small room in the tunnel entrance to Acropolis (no one else found this room? It’s hard to miss) They get briefed on the Scepter’s location in Kingdom Valley, and head out there immediately. 

And hey! No trials!? Awesome! You just gotta find a mountain wit steps to find a warp gate that takes you straight to the Zone. Convenient! Why Sonic and Silver couldn’t be given the same courtesy is beyond me, but… government agencies, I guess, have those special privileges. 

So they journey inside to find the Scepter without too much trouble (or however long it took you to find those damned keys) until they run into Robotnik who wants the Scepter for himself. Good luck figuring out why. Anyway, he bitch slaps Rouge, causing her to drop the Scepter, shattering it and unleashing a smoked snake. 

Robotnik pusses out and runs away while Shadow and Rouge deal with Mephilis who (get this) stole Shadow’s. … shadow and transforms into a clone of him. Because magicBudget? He blames Shadow for putting him in the Scepter and vows revenge. But instead of trying to kill him, Meph just sends them both to the future. Nice revenge plan. >_>

In Crisis City, they both check a random computer room to see that they’ve been flung into the future, right before Sonic’s crew drops in. With that, copy/paste scenes, Rouge finds an emerald and gets horny as they both find a deactivated Omega (Ironic in a sense) but decide to leave it behind because it’s just not important. 

copy/paste until after Iblis to find everyone jumping through the time rift… except Shadow as he sees Mephilis slithering away. So he stays behind to deal with him… which was… kind of a bad idea. He couldn’t create time rifts on his own without Sonic’s help, and he was one emerald short. And Shadow is supposed to be the most pragmatic of the 3 Hedgehogs, this was just reckless. 

Rouge returns to the present to find Shadow’s dumb ass was still in the future, and quickly heads to Tropical Jungle to find Omega who’s…. just walking around bored, I guess. Rouge gives it some orders to not activate until 200 years later (Damn, she’s smart!)

Shadow confronts Mephilis in a Volcano (his shoes should be melting by now). They argue over their I own self-righteous ideals until Meph shows Shadow his future in a cage (they locked him in a Volcano!? That’s crazy!) and that people wanted to find a scapegoat for the disaster at hand. One of those “people hate you, so join me” types of villains. Shadow doesn’t really budge and they fight with Mephilis showing off his crystal form. Funny how you can see him change into crystal before the actual transition finishes.

After fighting for a while,  Shadow gets blasted into a pillar. And then… Omega to the rescue! After getting his ass kicked by robots, Mephilis opens a rift to the past (how convenient for our heroes to jump in) 

After returning, Team Dark is reuinited as they head for Radical Train as Shadow suspects that Robotnik knows more about Mephilis than most. But stupidly enough, he says he doesn’t need help and ventures off alone. This asshole has to be frustrating to work with. We could probably assume he was disturbed by his future prison and is starting to have trust issues (I guess?) but that would imply he doesn’t have the personality of a brick in this game.

Damn, what happened to the charismatic anti-hero of SA2? He’s too.. serious. Laugh! Smile! Crack jokes about someone is going to die after dealing with you. I thought Sonic was aped. It’s right around here where the complaints of “06 takes itself too seriously” stem from. Every character is depressing, and the few upbeat ones are irritating to be around. Even Sonic himself is too serious. Shadow, on the other hand, is more exaggerated. He just seems pissed off all the time. In SA2, he literally blurts out “im the coolest!” What happened to that guy?

Anyways, he heads for train yard and crashes in the eggo exress. Robotnik ofcourse bitches him out about it. Shadow brings up Mephilis and asks what he’s up to. At first, buttnik blows him off, but then makes a bargain. Information in exchange for a captured Mephilis. I still don’t know why he wants him.

Anywho, Shadow then saves Sonic from a perpetual ass beating and promptly owns Silver (I actually remember reading on Wikipedia that Shadow won the fight because he is the ultimate life form. Whoever wrote that was genius!) More copy/pasta to Elise’s dying father giving Shadow the Scepter of Darkness as he pursues Mephilis in the past. When he finds him as nothing but goop,  he immediately seals him inside the Scepter. Outside, he leaves the Scepter on a tree (WHY!?) Bcuz he knows what happens to it in the future. Goddammit it. If he took the Scepter with him to the present time, after the Scepter got broken, that would’ve over written the event completely. But nope! Gotta make things complicated.

So back in the present, Shadow requests GUN to analyze the materials used to make the Scepter in the first place, while i get my first mission, to save some arch-

Damn! She kinda cute! Why couldn’t she be Elise?

Ahem… you have to save her from iblis monsters before she reveals something about magic candles. So afterwards, I had to travel all the way to the opposite end of the damn city just to light 4 candles. I was at this shit for 16 minutes cause I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Had to use the Chaos Spears to light them all. Then I get a material that just appears out of thin air, send it to HQ, then make my way to Wave Ocean as he needs backup dealing with Mephilis. Whew!

When I get there, Omega was already beating wholesale ass on Mephilis. But he escapes. Omega’s logical processors dictates that instead of informing the 2 about what Mephilis was doing on the beach, it instead tells Shadow that Omega imprisoned him.

This was one of the last times we would ever think of Robotnik as a badass. He created a robot that was capable of defeating an organism with time altering powers! He can teleport and cause explosions! 

Back in town, Iblis monsters start attacking (Why would they exist nowIblis is still inside Elises head). After that, i’m off to Dusty Desert.

As they make their way to the center of the ruins, Mephilis is just sitting there playing with his balls or something. He asks Shadow to join him again, but is refused and defeated again. With Mephilis reduced to a puddle, Shadow tries to seal him into the Scepter, but it fails and Mephilis creates an army of himself. Then Shadow takes off his rings and runs straight into the horde with his… Sonic X references?

It’s not until you get to the end of the story that you come to realize that Shadow himself seems wholly unnecessary. His mode is like a side story, detached from the rest of the game’s events. It’s really more about himself rather than anything pertaining to “Ze flames of disaster”. 

And even though its the best written story mode, its also… kinda boring. It starts off very promising, but ends with a whimper. There’s no resolution to this plot thread. And Mephilis’s attempts to coax Shadow into helping him instead of just trying to kill him seems… silly. What would he gain from Shadow’s help in controlling time? Not to mention Robotnik’s reasons for wanting Mephilis are never explained, it just seems like a convenient excuse to move Shadow’s story along. At least the amigos here have a point to their existence rather than just being there to keep an even number of playable characters for each side.

As well, I don’t like his gameplay style either. He’s basically a weaker Sonic with a strange ariel kick barrage with iffy hit detection at best. I wish his bolts actually did damage instead of simply stunning enemies. Even so, this mode is still not as frustrating as Sonic’s, but it could be a helluva lot better.

(Next: Last Episode)

This was me when my original post got wiped

Alright. ..lemme try this again… got… mutha fuckin… asia making me feel like shit… Ahem..

Silver the Hedgehog, hoooo boy. This poor fuck was hated by everyone back then. Many had valid reasons for why. Questionable design, shitty voice, lacking personality, telekinesis being a cheap and unoriginal original. Some just hated him for being another Hedgehog or being too similar to Shadow (because he has a resting bitch face?). W/E the reasons, the fans made sure Sega knew that he wasn’t welcome to Deviantart. It’s somewhat a shame as Silver’s story is probably the least aggravating one to play through. Though it takes a few minutes to get accustomed to Silver’s, his story is an absolute breeze.

Gameplay, Zones & Bosses

One thing needs to be said. Silver was not designed for combat. His abilities often compel the player to run away and find anything they can throw at enemies. Yeah…  he’s one of those characters. Without any objects to throw, you have to get really fuckin close and try to stun the enemies, which is more arduous than it needs to be considering how all of your attacks leave you vulnerable. I’d assume first that this was why people hated Silver overall. And the last 3 zones don’t let you ignore enemies.

It’s better to avoid engaging enemies unless you love an asswhoopin. Silver is more about navigating zones and finding the best route possible to the goal (at least… for the 1st 2 zones). I noticed a lot of slowdown playing Silver, too. Everytime I grabbed more than 3 objects (even goddamn apples!) the game starts going at a pitiful crawl. That’s a testament to how bad the technical problems are in this game when key aspects of gameplay hinder…. actual gameplay!

Blaze…ugh… it pains me to say it.. but she’s more fun than Sonic. Her homing…… claws are configured differently than a standard homing attack, so that takes getting used to. Her fire spin is shit.

Silvers variation of the 9 zones are pretty damned easy, so there aren’t alot that are note worthy outside of maybe 4 zones.

Tropical Jungle is a cheater’s paradise, and is literally the easiest and fastest zone to clear… unless you’re a kid, then it’s a massive cluster fuck. It is ridiculously easy to get lost in this beyond shit level design. Because of Silver’s hovering abilities and the lack of linearity, you’re bound to end up frustrated and stuck. I’m guessing it was supposed to be a treasure hunting level but then had to give Silver a finished zone?

Dusty Desert can fuck right off! 2 guesses as to why. Hints would be “AR & B”. Stumped? Fine.

  1. Amy Rose: This cunt right here is a bitch to play! I thought Silver was ass in combat! First off, her hammer has zero range or size, so it’s another character who has to get really fuckin close to the enemy to kill em. That and her recovery times are atrocious. Secondly, her jumps need a lot of momentum before lift off, but her double jump loses momentum!? Well what the hell is the point of building momentum!? Thirdly, invisibility serves no purpose. And finally… It’s Amy Rose.
  2. Balls!


It took me 20 minutes to beat it. I don’t know what notoriously sadistic shit bird made this puzzle, but I could swear he was brought back for Lost Mind. Right before the damn goal, even! I know there was supposed to a glitch that you could exploit to get past the door, but I couldn’t replicate it. Somehow I managed to beat it legit.

    Kingdom Valley was just a pain in my ass. So many missiles off screen, it was just frustrating. Not to mention that they blow away my goddamn rings before my character can get off his lazy ass to pick them back up… Because some asshole developers thought it was a good idea to make your character sit on his ass after taking damage! Amma, why was this even a thing in 3D Sonic after Heroes!?

    Flame Core was a tad cumbersome. With Act 1, they put in these mini canyons with several rock pillars that you had to navigate. It had all these bats just shooting my ass with molten shit bombs, rings falling in the lava, it was a mess. Act 2 was a little better even though it was flooded with enemies. But yo can actually skip them this time. Near the end, you’re dealing with a great ball of fire. As you make your way to the top, you have to hide behind small rocks to avoid the shockwaves that emits from the ball (I dont get it either). Then you gey on top of the ball and destroy it. Zone done.

    All of Silver’s bosses are piss easy and short thankfully. Silver’s given plenty of debris to hurl at the big bastards so they’ll go down soon enough. It sure beats the waiting games in Sonic’s story. 

    ….Well, Shadow was an ass. The Sonic fight was easy cause you could just throw all the chairs at him, but here you have all these obstacles that get in the way of your attacks. Not to mention the camera gets fidgety with all these objects in the way, so the fight gets disorienting. And this son of bitch likes to stun you with his little chaos spears & then smack you into the ground, so getting close to him is a no go. It’s really the environment that works against you.

    Story & Missions

    As much as I want to deny it, Silver’s story is really no better than Sonic’s. There’s plenty of logical failures and wasted resources here that makes the Ratchet and Clank movie look tolerable. Let’s get on wit it.

    Silver kicks off this bitch with narration (cause that never breaks the immersion, yah dig?) about how shitty the future is. How life is a struggle where people live without hope. I wanna see evidence of the “living“. You don’t see people anywhere in this city, which is understandable because it’s on fucking fire! After monologing, Silver dispels a flaming tornado using psychic powers, because he needed to look badass for the trailers somehow, so here’s some random fire that’s no real threat! After a while, Blaze (uggggh) appears to tell him that Iblis had arisen, and they both go off to check him. Keep in mind that Silver can flyAt high speeds

    When the duo finds him, Pete Cappella shows why he was replaced by Quentin Flynn later on. Afterwards, Silver gets pissy because he’s whooped Iblis’s ass so much, he’s bored and just wants him dead. Then out of nowhere, Yugioh… ahem, Mephilis appears out of nowhere to haiku about chicken eggs. Idk why, but hearing Dan Green talk about chickens and eggs is funny to me. 😛 He talks a good deal about needing to attack the source of the problem. Silver asks if he knows how to do so, which is wrong. The first thing he should have asked was “Who are you, and where the hell did you come from!?”

    Meph shows them a computer room Where he explains that he can travel through, something that Silver accepts at face value annoyingly enough. He then talks about “the Iblis Trigger”, handing them a chaos emerald from his own asshole that shows them an image of Sonic. 

    Ok. There’s about 1001 things wrong with this whole scene, but uh… since when did Chaos Emeralds do shit like this!? All they’re supposed to do is add power! To people or machines! Now they give mother fuckers visions!? With Sepheroth style fire fields!? 

    I amazed that Silver blindly accepts all of this without question. But hell, he might just be desperate. Living in a hell hole all your life where it’s too damn hot can do that to people.

    Blaze says her one and only line the entire time they’ve been around Meph before he sends them to the past.

    Then they get separated. Silver ends up in Tropical Jungle while Blaze in Wave Ocean. Silver marvels at the beauty of poorly rendered mountains and proclaims that he must “fight for the future!” 

    After 2 piss easy zones, Silver is in town as he spots Sonic staring off into space. As he tries to kill him here and now, Amy somehow gets on the roof and gropes him down undah.

    Look at him waving his arms around, like “fuck yearh, free hand jobs!” Then Amy looks at the camera like “wait… something feels off! Hey you’re not Sonic!”

    Ahem… Silver gets pissy as Sonic leaves, and Amy, in all her wondrous logic, thinks that because he’s lookin for someone, he’ll just help her look for Sonic, takes him by the arm and drags him off somewhere.

    And back to town means… back to work. I had to find a way into Dusty Desert, and in order to do that, I had to find Lord Regis or whoever the guard captain was and get his permission. Or I could fly there… cause… you know…. Silver can flyAt high speeds. But fuck all that, Regis wants to a game of liar liar (what a responsible adult you are!) before letting me in. Basically, you have to guess who the guard captain is by asking other guards who is who. Basically, one guard will say the other is lying, yadda yadda. Turns out the asshole you talked to for the mission in the first place is the guard captain. 

    These missions had to have been padding because… this was literally a waste of time! I don’t see why they had to pad out the game, each story has 9 long ass zones each, all of which could rip you to shreds. And hell, the very next Zone has the time consuming ball puzzles. Requiring the completion of missions before entering certain zones was entirely unnecessary. And the missions themselves are illogical given the context. Why would a guard captain who sealed off an area of the city only grant access to certain parties if they win a game of guess who? And why should I agree to it if I can fly over the damn gate? 

    Anywho, as they head into Dickish Desert, Silver looks like he’s out of breath while Amy gets overly excited for no reason. Silver again gets sidetracked by his surroundings, and tells Amy that he’ll help her look for Sonic (youve been doing that anyway, dipshit) and they head deeper into the desert.

    After that tedious nonsense, they head back into town where Silver finds Sonic and wastes no time trying to murder him. I’m sitting here thinking “well goddamnsomeones in a rush! Ditched Amy completely!” So they fight, Sonic is on the ground, I saw this scene already, skip.

    Amy ofcourse chews out Silver for wanting to kill Sonic, where Silver rebukes that the blue bastard destroyed his world. Amy then goes on to proclaim that if she had to choose between the world and Sonic, it would be Sonic. 

    And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Amy Rose is the absolute worst character in the whole damn franchise! Her ambition for dick is so strong, she would risk the devastation of an entire planet

    She leaves Silver immediately while he goes to contemplate near the coast, where Blaze conveniently shows up. Instead of asking her where she’s been all this time, he instead asks whether or not it’s right to kill someone to save the world (youre just now asking this!?)

    Youre so naive!” Says the cunt who followed Mephilis without question. Silver then decides to infiltrate Robotnik’s base for any info on Sonic, nevermind how he even knows who Robotnik is. What did he plan to find there, anyway?

    I don’t quite remember what I had to do to get to Acropolis, so let’s skip ahead to where Silver and Blaze are ambushed by Egg Genesis (did you really think you were sneaking into this place?) After what had to be a piss easy boss battle, Silver randomly finds a Chaos Emerald in the remains of the robot… wait… is that the same one Robotnik duped Sonic into giving him!? Why the fuck would he put it in Egg Genesis!? Chaos Emeralds must not be valuable to you or something. Blaze is suddenly an expert on these rocks and tells Silver that they transform your thoughts into power. Why couldn’t she say that when Mephilis gave them one at the beginning of the game?

    Also, Silver wanted to come here to learn something new. What did they learn!? Anything!?

    Then the game goes straight to Amy (why!?) as she sneaks into Robotnik’s base (how!?) In order to find Sonic. Instead, she bumps into Elise who was in the middle of escaping herself (SecurityWhats that!?). The alarms blare off, they escape back to town, and proceed to have a kawaii girl discussion about hot guys they want to bang. 

    Really! There’s a cutscene devoted to this BS! This is what we play Sonic games for, right!? Some animu highschool bullshit!? Afterwards, there’s a mission whereby you escort Elise back to the Castle by destroying robots… only for this skinny bitch to get captured again just in time for Radical Train. 

    WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT SHIT!? This whole segment was a waste of time! It added nothing of value to the overall story! Elise breaks out to get put right back in prison. No twist in the plot, nothing! All so they could put in a scene devoted to some shipping nonsense!? What for!? To pander to otakus!? Deviantart!? You mean to tell me they can’t polish up the game’s own physics engine, but they can waste resources to make this scene possible!?

    This shit just triggers me. It adds nothing to the game, but they felt it necessary to include this whole segment. Is Amy actually popular in Japan or something? That’s the only reason I can think of as to why she was shoehorned into the game. She does carry something of a “magical lolita” essence, what with her invisibility powers she never had before. Cause after this, she doesn’t appear until the last goddamn story!

    Anywho, Silver and Blaze return from snowville to find Meph staring off into space. Silver asks if it’s right to kill Sonic, where Meph basically tells him to piss off and do as he is told. Again, Blaze is silent.

    So now I had to get to Radical Train. First, I had to buy some upgrade that allows me to quickly dash (it’s about as worthless as you could imagine). Then I go to the station to initiate a stealth mission! YesThey threw this in there too!

    Theres an astonishing number of reasons this is bullshit, but I’ll list 2

    1. Silver has psychic powers. If he needed to, he could toss those pussy guards out of his path. He can also block bullets so if any of the guards get that idea…
    2. Silver can flyAt high speeds. He can just fly to the damn train yards and catch Sonic that way!

    Anyways, after another easy Zone, Silver beats Sonic’s ass again, Shadow appears,  and another hog fight takes place.

    I like how even though you win the fight,  the game stil makes you go out like a bitch. Even though Silver could force the bastard, he decided to punch him instead. After a head kick that made all Shadow fanboys jizz, they both use Chaos Control (Shadow isn’t special anymore, I swear) and open a gateway to the past as they both agree to jump inside. Btw, I’m still pissed that time stones weren’t used.

    In the past, we see an experiment go haywire and blow up. Here, we find Solaris split into 2 beings? Iblis and Mephilis. How and why? You’ll never never know, unfortunately, as the game refuses to elaborate. Shadow and Silver both agree to go after their respective prey.

    Silver finds Iblis in some room and…. just holds him place? Dawg, you dispelled a fire tornado, just crush the little fucker and be on your way. Then the King arrives with his daughter, Elise, in hand to have Iblis sealed inside her. Her father is a dick. Now she’s got some devil juice inside her and she’s not allowed to cry or else!? How fucked is her life? Then he dies so… blah

    So Silver leaves Elise by a tree, Shadow arrives to place a scepter on the ground (more on that later) and the 2 make a portal to the present, but not before Silver leaves his Emerald with Elise. “Keep it as a good luck charm” for a future of kidnappings by an old fat guy.

    Well that would explain why Elise saw Silver in Sonic’s place for a wuick second. But her eyes were closed the entire time- aww fuck it.

    Back in the present, Blaze asks what Silver saw in the past, cause obviously she just knew where the hell he was the entire time. I forgot dialogue here and we’re off to Kingdom Valley! Or… we would be if we didn’t have MOREBLOODY. ..TRIALS!

    All things considered, these trials make more contextual sense than Sonic’s. The trial of friendship involves rescuing Blaze from a cage surrounded by enemies. The trial of memory involves a quiz that I kept fucking up on. And the Trial of Courage involves fighting enemies without rings. 

    Now this is much better. I can see these being actual rites of passage for an area of high regard. Still, I shouldn’t have to do them based on the fact that Silver can flyAt high speeds. Shouldn’t need that damn bird either.

    Anywho, we see Sonic facing a bunch of rob-…..OMG SILVER FLEW IN THERE!!! HE FLEW GODDAMMIT!! Aww fuck it. So they team up only to find Robotnik’s ship breaking apart. You know, you can still fly- aww fuck it. Chaos Control to jump back in time and… Silver and Blaze jump in after him to… go back to their future!? Da fuq, they can traverse to divergent time periods in one portal!? Fuck the time stones, Chaos Control is the shit!

    Silver has a plan to destroy Iblis that doesn’t involve changing the past (if you had killed the little speck of embers when had the chance…I would’ve won this already!) and Silver’s big plan was to… seal Iblis into his own body! Wow, you are an idiot! Has no one tried water? Seriously? Crack open dat Master Emerald so we can get a kaijuu fight or something. 

    Anywho, when he tries to seal, Iblis wasn’t havin it and was just fightin him off. Then has the idea that because she has fire powers, Iblis will accept her as the vessel (because we have to validate her inclusion somehow) so while she struggles to keep this bastard under control, Blaze demands Silver to seal her in another dimension (HE CAN DO THAT!? SINCE WHEN!?) However, he says he can’t do such  thing because he doesn’t want to lose his best friend Blaze, which is some bullshit

    This entire story and we have zero evidence these 2 doorknobs had anything more than an alliance. And now we have this little moral of “sacrifice” that was just tossed in there for a cheap emotional effect? It doesn’t work that way, asshole! This sacrifice was in no way earned! We have no reason to be invested in this friendship because it did not exist. We cannot feel shit

    Anyways, Iblis is sealed, Blaze disintegrates for some reason, and the clouds all disappear. The world is finally safe! What’s left of it anyway.

    Silver stands on that cliff… alone…fuckthat‘s a depressing ending.

    So that’s Silver’s story mode. It’s not that much better than Sonic’s mode in terms of plot as it has just as much stupidity. Why silver doesn’t bother to fly anywhere, why Solaris split into 2 beings, why Silver can use Chaos Control (hellwhy can Sonic?) Why Amy is even in the game, why Robotnik would hide his emerald in a security drone rather than a secure place, why the 2 don’t question Mephilis’s motives, etc.

    Gameplay wise, it’s a much smoother ride. The zones are incredibly easy if not time consuming, the bosses are shorter and far less strenuous, and yeah, hurling boxes at enemies is funny to me. If anything, i’d say its the most enjoyable mode in the whole game… if it weren’t boring half the time. The pacing is shitty all over so…

    Otherwise, it’s not so bad. The wasted resources of the plot withstanding. 

    (Next: Shadow)

    I wonder if Roger is like “FML”

    So we have to wait until March 16 to get more info?

    I bet Ol’ Smith is thinking “I could’ve been at a Resident Evil convention if my character was in RE7”

    I do hope the fans will ask more intelligent questions instead of something regarding the moon. The questions that needs to be answered is “why more remixed bullshit than new zones?” And “Why bring back Retro Sonic at all!?”

    Naw, fuck that. “Why did you make Knuckles retarded!?” I’d pay to have that one asked.

    These are good pieces

    Needs more SATam

    Hey Millennial parents! Don’t want your child to waste too much of their time playing videogames, but lack the necessary pair to dictate such wishes? Theres an app for that!

    Holy shit, I didn’t even catch this last month. I’m shocked it’s even real. Nintendo is literally making an app to have parents monitor and control how long their children get to play on their little Stitches. “Fuck yearh, Nintendo cares about Children staying fit and active!” Omg, this is probably the dumbest thing they’ve ever thought up. You can turn every parent into Big Brother surveillance!

    Real parenting must be a thing of the past. Cause all the parents are obviously millennials who can’t pry themselves off their phones or iPads long enough to raise their fucking kids. Now we have Nintendo feeding into this toxicity with an app that enables parents to take solice in having kids and never putting down their phones. The sad part is… I’d want to say leave the actual parenting to the parents, but a lot of people wouldn’t even agree to that because parents don’t know how to raise their kids these days. They just shove the little iPads into their tiny faces so they won’t misbehave in the store while mommy looks for some high fructose corn syrup to fuck up their livers.

     I don’t know about y’all but I’m disturbed by all the babies with these screens that are half their height. I remember all the time seeing babies and toddlers and shit always trying to get out of the carts, trying to get their little hands on w/e they can. It’s a hassle for the parents, sure, but that’s natural! With their tiny ass eyes, everything is fucking huge! They’re thinking “oh shit! This place is new and interesting! I gotta explore this shit, it looks amazing!” Cause that’s how they are, they’re full of energy, an full of intrigue, they so eager to know what’s in their surroundings. Nowadays, I see all these kids who are completely silent with these blank expressions staring at these fucking screens. They’ll go blind in no time flat. There’s no energy, no interest, just mindless zombies tapping away at a flat surface. That really bothers me. But that’s some other shit.

    There’s also a feature to keep track of your child’s favorite games? Da fuq, you got lips, right!? Just ask them! This…. oh Amma, this isn’t asking some jack off to marry you, it’s a little fucking kid and what they like to waste your energy bills playing. That’s what a family is supposed to do, communicate and shit! Of course you have the age restrictions because the ESRB is a failure. That’s what parental controls were originally intended for.  Restrictions on online communications, Nintendo is full of sissies, man! Friend codes on steroids. I know, Japan is afraid of the internet (literally). It’s hilarious. Nintendo still won’t pop their tits outta player’s mouths. 

    Damn man, last year people were all hyped up on Switch because the trailer had adults exclusively, then you see this shit. It kinda makes sense cause the majority of games they showed off were some kids shit anyway. There’s nothing wrong with that, kids need entertainment too. I personally wouldn’t spend $300 for a game console so a kid could break the screen, but that’s me. If parents were really concerned about these issues, don’t buy the damn console for your kids in the first place. Problem solved. Small children especially don’t need a video game system in their early years. You don’t need some stupid app to tell you that kids have no self-control (theyre fucking kids) to turn a game off after long periods, they get sucked into that shit non-stop.

    Damn Im getting old. I’m up here talking about parenting and I don’t even have kids. I gotta check youtube for parodies of this shit, this deserves to be mocked. I know a lot of people are probably like “but what about parents who don’t have enough time to spend with their kids, this is totally useful, gais!” If any parent feels they need this app for any reason, they failed as parents. 

    Restrictions on online communications, I’m still shocked they’re gonna make you pay for online services. That’s the end of free online gaming for consoles. As soon as Nintendo jumped on that ship, it’s done for. That’s never coming back. Personally I never cared about online gaming, but every game revolves around internet now a days, that’s just added expenses. You got consoles that cost an arm and a dick, most of the good games being digital only, yeah videogames are slowly but surely becoming unaffordable again. Exclusive to the rich. It’s like we’re going backwards. Are developers still inventing ways to ensure you don’t buy used games? That would be hilarious. 

    Yes, Mania needs something more.

    Well, I’m pissed beyond belief. 

    I was originally going to continue going over Sonic 06, but… this damned app is giving me hell. I had actually finished writing up the Silver story overview (a long ass post, I might add) but as soon as I hit “save draft”, the entire post was wiped clean. Pictures and all. Idk how or why, it just blanked out. That was 3 days worth of typing, I thought my thumb was going to bleed. There is no “revert” or “back up”function here. If it’s gone, its fucking gone. I can’t get that back. And… there’s no way in hell I’m typing that shit all over again.

    So this little thing I was planning on writing just won’t get finished. Besides, I doubt peeps want to read about this 10 year old relic again. Cause Mania is coming out to save the franchise!!! That’s the kind of pedestal we’re putting this shit on even though the damn game isn’t out yet. 

    I was real excited when the game  was first announced. That excitement evaporated soon after for reasons you already know. But then you come to realize that Mania isn’t really this big deal. There’s honestly nothing here you can’t already get from the Genesis games, CD, KCX, or even the pitiful Advance trilogy. It’s got Studiopolis, that’s about it. Its got pretty graphics, little Cyan Sonic over here, Magenta Knuckles and shit. But so far from what I’ve seen, you could get a rom hack for free and you’d get the same level of satisfaction. 

    For the most part, the game currently looks like an artistic showcase (something indies are guilty of making on occasion). I can tell from the bar stools in Mirage Saloon, these shits were stripped from Palmtree Panic. In SCD, they served a purpose at least, you could use them to easily access the past or future versions of that level without the hassle of trying to maintain your speed. Here, they’re converted for the sake of expressing the theme of the zone. Little details like that, I could pick apart all day. I could write it off as “Spring Yard, Texas Edition”, hell. Of course, that would be innaccurate.

    But fuck all that, cause “gameplay gais! Most important thing overall! ” We’ve been getting gameplay like this from all the Genesis repacks over & over again, who gives a fuck? And yeah, too bad there aren’t enough characters, because then I’d have to go back and play shit like the Black Knight just to use em. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have Espio back in a new game with all this good gameplay? Nope? Gotta go back to Chaotix or Heroes for that. How the fuck is this not a valid complaint? There’s barely any new content as it is with this zone ratio nonsense they have going on. But we’re not supposed to want more characters because of the mere existence of Sticks? Lawd have mercy. My thing is if you believe all these extra characters are just “padding”, don’t just toss em around as petty fanservice.”Hey gais! Remember these 3 characters that haven’t been playable since Sonic Championship waaaay the fuck back in the mid 90’s? Here’s a reminder that they merely exist!” We had these easter eggs back in Generations, it’s not cute anymore.

    Why do we need more than 3 characters? Why the fuck do we need remixed zones? Thats what you should be asking. What purpose would they serve than to pad out the game’s length? If they’re smart, they’d make at least 6 new zones as the main game, and have all the remixed bullshit as some side unlockables or something. I don’t think that’s gonna be the case. Spring’s almost here and we’ve only gotten 3 zones. At best I can only assume there’s gonna be 3-4 new zones tops, more if there’s DLC. That wouldn’t be worth putting money down for. At the end of the day, you’re getting more old content.

    But Espio’s old content, gais!”  I can already see the retorts. 

    Well, it’s been 10 years since the release of this child of sin. Gracing consoles and cursing this series to damnation, left unmitigated by the apathy of SOJ who, more or less, joined with the rest of Japanese developers in just plain bullshittin. Since then, there have been a million goddamn theories, debates, flamewars and loads of untamed aggression the entire video game community had bottled up and would unleash in the most… well, words haven’t been invented yet to describe everyone’s frustrations. Just… anger and anger and anger and anger.

    Justified anger, yes, as it were for 10 fucking years that Sega just seemed to have no care in the world. The severe lack of transparency just piled on the frustration. 

    I’m amazed people still talk about 06 even after the failure of Boom. No one talks about Other M, Sunshine, Act Zero, DmC, etc. People can easily ignore the detestable unmentionables of other franchises quite easily. Sonic has to be a bad ass franchise for this one game to piss people off so badly.

    But this was what baffled me. I’ve probably played over 80 games on PS3 alone. The bugs and glitches I’ve encountered in several fuckfests are far more damning. Console lock ups, lost inventory, characters getting perma stuck in an area requiring a restart… hell, I think people pointed out the Witcher 3 being one of the buggiest games on current gen hardware, and it’s getting assloads of rewards.

    I decided “I gotta really see what it is about this game that is pure evil!”

    Ok, fo real, I just wanted to play Silver again. 😛

    But then I remembered I deleted the save file I had for the game, and I had no means of bruteforcing a completed save. SoI had to actually play the game! I’m like “FUCK! I don’t wanna play this shit from the beginning!” But I did… and… christs balls, I honestly think this game was more stressful than Jak 2. Not even attributed to bugs and glitches or unfinished physics half the time, it was just what the game demanded from you during all this shit that really ruined what patience I would have.

    ….So… lets get on with it.

    Hell, itll probably kill yah!

    It should be noted that this is probably the most “Japanese” Sonic will ever feel. The story (if you can call it that) is loaded with animu/JRPG tropes, complete with a finale that contains an alternate dimension and a final boss that looks like one of those tribal tattoos that douchebags put in their backs. Complete with angelic wings… I think. And there’s a scene where 2 dumb bitches discuss their lust over blue dick (shit you typically see in high school animes where one cunt is all like “oh you wanna bang him, doncha!?” And the other bitch goes “wha? What are talking about!?” That kind of shit). Then you got Shadow and Blaze playing the emotionless know-it-all types that these cartoons masturbate to. It’s almost too easy to see why the content fails.

    There’s also symbolism here and there, most of it religious (joy!). Shadow, Sonic, and Silver representing Past, Present, and Future respectively. The first form of Solaris looks like some bird, probaly referring to Amun Ra, the Sun god of Kemet. Probably some cheap attempt at demonizing old gods. I don’t see why it can time travel, though. I’m still pissed that time stones weren’t used.

    Anywho, I start off Sonic’s story, still amazed at how Sonic just appears out of nowhere, on cue, and we’re expected to say “hell yeah, it’s on!” Then the following scene, after saving Elise, the pack of helium vocal cords still gets nabbed. Your homing attack just became canon, and you won’t bother to use it here!?

    Then I go through town to find tails, again just out of nowhere. Sonic and his peeps don’t have any reason to be here, they just are. Silver and Shadow were actually given valid motivations to be in Soleanna at the time, but Sonic’s crew is simply here to save the day. Seems odd. Probably where the complaints of “spotlight stealing hedgehogs” came from cause Sonic is just there.

    So before I can hit Wave Ocean, I have to buy upgrades first, but before I can do that, I have to complete a mission to earn rings. Now originally I thought this was all missions would be for. But later on, Sega decides to butt fuck me in that area by requiring certain missions to be completed before going into a new Zone. This was a deceptively scripted mission designed to acclimate the players to the game’s flow, more or less. Seeing that damn load screen is going to get old fast.

    Wave Ocean

    Here I am in bootleg Emerald Coast. Act 1 is pretty straightforward. Just blast through the place, destroy enemies, and hope you don’t die. After a while, you get to the whale segment (I guess that was the most memorable part in SA1) and after some board jumps, Sonic latches onto a whale, but doesn’t let go. Instead, he instructs Tails to close a gate. Da fuq?

    My memory of this game isn’t that good, but why the fuck can’t he just jump off somewhere!? He literally hangs on the Whale’s fin for the duration of Act 1 and waits for Tails to close a gate before the Whale can escape. 

    Dumb shit like this is cringe-worthy. But then I had remembered a key quote from asia-catalog. 

    The Japanese have no respect for logic. Logic and rational thought hold no value in Japanese society where the main priority,  above all else, is maintaining social cohesion, either through lies, oppression, or absurdities. 

    So based on that, I can only assume this was done simply to acclimate the player to how Amigos work, and nothing more. See? 06 is totally Japanese! And man is tails shit in this game! His only means of attack is hurling ring bombs at enemies. You don’t want to be on the ground for these attacks. He’ll stand still and toss shit with terrible range whie being completely vulnerable to attack. You wanna fight enemies, you need to be in the air just carpet bombing these fucks.

    Act 2 is a mach speed zone. This was the reason I gave up playing Sonic’s story on several occasions. These sections are horribly wonky, and jumping is a gamble as he can’t move in midair for some reason, it’s like playing oldschool Castlevania. Somehow I beat this shit on the first try.

    So after that noise, Sonic and Tails catch up to Robotnik’s carrier…only to leave when it just seems out of reach. They seemes to forget one tiny important detail.

    TAILS CAN FUCKING FLY! GET YOUR DUMBASSES IN GEAR AND BLOW THAT SHIT OUT OF THE SKY!

    But fuck it! A game needs to happen! So we’re back in town, and I have enough cheddar to buy a bounce ring. A cheap reminder that a better game exists. After some girl who managed to get on the roof, I gain access to the desert.

    Egg Cerberus

    I remember last time I fought this bitch, I flew into the air and died. It was funny as hell. This time the fight went smoothly but it brings up an issue I’ve had with Sonic games of the modern era. Every fucking boss battle is a multitask/waiting game! Long, boring, and tedious is the name of the game, and SHIT have Sonic games fallen into that trap. Ever since Metroid Prime, Boss Battles requiring super specific strategies have been more than unwelcome. If you happen to die during these turd fests, you’ll discover the terror of having to do any of that shit a second time! 

    The last 2 generations of games have seen boss fights taking as long as 10 minutes, that’s completely unnacceptable. Long bosses are never fun to deal with. I remember one developer saying he wanted a boss fight to last over 20 minutes to make it feel epic. Apparently, stupid asses like that exist in this industry. And they were in full force here. I was missing Heroes and Shth so much after playing this shit.

    But w/e, I beat it.

    Dusty Desert

    How creative Is this zone name, btw? 😛 So we have yet another Zone that is designed purely to acclimate the player to some under-handed gimmick. Any area with 1-ft of sand is treated as quick sand. Here, Sonic carries sunburnt bitch through the desert while she has the  ability to form a flaming barrier that protects against quick sand… somehow.

    After that mess, we get a bonding moment between Sonic and Elise so cringe-worthy, I had to skip it. It looked like an unfinished CG movie anyway.

    We’re back in town just in time for Silver to rape me to crumbs!

    Silver the Hedgehog

    FUCK this was a cheap ass fight! See, you can’t get close to this asshole without him grabbing you and tossing you in random directions.

    ITS NO USE! TAKE THIS!”

    ITS NO USE! TAKE THIS!”

    UGH! Sometimes he’ll catch you near a wall and smash you against it from a short distance. If so, it’s yo ass, cause then he grabs you immediately afterwards. You’ve lost all your rings and before you can them up, he nabs you and flings you to a wall, and you’re dead! I swear, I thought I was gonna have aneurysm. But I had to just keep my distance, wait for the son of a bitch to get impatient, and tag him while he’s carrying shit. Took me 5 fuckin times to figure that out, I was too busy bitching.

    So then Elise gets kidnapped… again, and Sonic is saved by Amy ofALL people, and im back in town. Somehow Tails returns and I head to the warehouse to see mah boi Knux ignoring his duties as guardian… again. See… why is Knuckles even here!? And why is his face so shitty

    He’s got one of those scrunched up grouchy baby faces, goddamn whoever modeled these faces are assholes. 😛

    Somehow, he gets a card with a holovid of buttnik making bargins.

     I head over to Acropolis only to be impeded by a mission. Before I can even enter the damn gate, I have to destroy a certain amount of enemies. By now, Silver could’ve found me and ripped me to shreds. All the time I’m forced to waste just running around town.

    White Acropolis

    Soooo, Act 1 is where I started having  technical problems. This stupid ass snowboard has no physics programing worth half a tit. I’m constantly slowing down or stopping on slopes, and I could’ve sworn I died just going down a slope! Yeah, i’m just out-running a giant snow ball, and after running into a wall, Sonic just kills over for…. no reason! I was like… “wha?”

    Rolling around on my snowy grave, got places to go but I’m going on death row!”

    Man, that’s…. bad. Ain’t even an excuse for that.

    Act 2 has me using Tails for no reason, and I gotta destroy searchlights. Why?After what was a completely unnecessary character change, i’m back to using Sonic and am faced with so much open space, I was losing my mind. Mainly cause I got lost so damn often. The whole area reminded me of Sonic Robo Blast 2 where some of the levels were just big, wide open spaces for no reason. It gives the impression they just threw all this shit together without any idea of what to do with it all.

    Acropolis… I officially hate this Zone. Hell, I didn’t even get to play Knux.

    The trio makes it inside the base where Robotnik demands an emerald in exchange. It’s obvious what happens next, but hey, Sonic was a desperate man in a desperately bad game, desperately lookin for poon. Can’t blame him, just his poor taste. But, to the future it is!

    As we descend into what looks like hell from Constantine, we meet Shadow and Rouge, 2 characters that people suddenly started to hate for some reason. Both groups agree to look for emeralds and… the lack of charisma Sonic displays here is disturbing. Where’s the mutha fuckin energy!? He doesn’t seem to care about anything going on, or why Shadow and Rouge are with them in the future, or why it literally looks like hell. He just seems to be elise’s personal ass whiper in this game.

    Crisis City

    By the balls of Ra, I hate this Zone! 4 Acts of nonsense. Act 1 is more snowboarding (where the fuck does he get a snowboard from!?) That is surprisingly easier to get through. Shit randomly explodes as you progress. And… it’s over.

    Act 2 is on auto pilot. You just watch Sonic get launched all over the place in what is the most vertigo inducing level to date. Act 3 is just basic platforming with some minor fuck ups on my part, but half the time my homing attacks wouldn’t lock onto an enemy and i’m flying all over the place to my death. This is probably why the last 4 3D Sonic games (Boom is not a game) have these cursors appear on enemies indicating a lock.

    And then there’s Act fuckin 4. Lawd have mercy, this is why I used a save file last time. Fuck this whole mach speed zone. Fuck all these cars that randomly fly out of the tornado, fuck all this debris in the road, fuck this camera chaging views mid act, fuck the shit ass controls, just fuck all of it! Lost all my damn lives in 1 go! I had to play this twice more just to beat it. This whole section is pure luck! Like I said before, movement is very wonky, and then you’ve got poor jumping controls, and this cluttered ass level that is constantly throwing shit at you before you have enough time to react! Then the goddamn camera wants to change views on you so you can see the flaming tornado chase you, and hurl cars. But you can’t see where you can pick up rings! So if you get yo ass whooped by flaming whips, you better pray you’re on a path that rings pop up in. Cause chances are you will die around here!

    Somehow I actually fucking beat it! Still no knux play. The trio of dumbasses lament of how shitty the future looks (I don’t think Sonic speaks here) until they happen upon a room where Silver, Mephilis, and Blaze (I forgot that cunt was in this game) disappear into the past. Again, you will note Sonic’s lack of shits givin. You just found the bastard who tried to murk yo ass in the past, and you say nothing about it!? But as soon as Tails brings up Elise dying, he pipes up like it was news for a chilidog. One track mind much!?

    So they end up in a Volcano because… reasons, Knuckles and Rouge display their unresolved sexual tension, and depart for another emerald.

    Flame Core

    Alright, so this zone probably has the best music, and after the ass fest of Acropolis and Crisis, this is probably my favorite level in the whole game.At least Act 1 is. Kinda reminiscent of the Dark Chao Garden. No? Ok.

    I still died a couple of times because that homing attack is imprecise as a mutha fucka in this game. Overall a decent Act. Still a lot of automation in certain areas.

    Act 2 is just… boring. You’re in a cave, basically Red Mountain Act 2 without the 90s freestyle mu- OH NOW I CAN PLAY KNUCKLES! Holy shit, how long has it been I found you? It was a warehouse, then Acropolis, they had you play as Tails even, then Crisis City,  and here we are now just getting to play as the Jamaican mole! 

    Every other amigo you can play almost immediately after you meet them, but Knuckles was an after thought. He was included because Sonic needed a second slot filled in. And what do you do with him? You fly around with your rapid descent shitty gliding, turn on some lights, and your ass is done with Knuckles until the last goddamn level. He got screwed in this shit.

    At the same time, I have to ponder why most of these zones have you doing dumb shit in most of them. Closing gates to seal in a whale, knocking out searchlights, and turning on nightlights in a fucking Volcano! Its why a lot of these zones aren’t fun to replay because of all the bullshit they crammed in.

    Anywho, the 5 find a Chaos Emerald,  but wait! It’s a trap!

    Iblis

    These bosses might as well be in a Zelda game. So we have a boss fight that is a glorified waiting game. You gotta wait for this bastard to drop stalagmites down into the lake to form a bridge so you can jump across to one of 3 glowing orb shits, turn them on to attract Iblis toward, wait for him to jump at you, get stuck without any explanation, and you jump on his head. This can take a good 10 minutes or more if you happen to die, which is easy brcause the camera tends to shift focus to the boss, and you could be in mid jump during this shit, might miss a platform, lose your rings, pray he doesn’t shoot fireballs at you cause you can’t avoid that shit half the time. 

    All this unnecessary tedium, I swear. Shadow the hedgehog, you were allowed to use w/e means necessary to kill most bosses, there was no process or specific strategies to defeat them. This is just bullshit. It takes way too long to kill this bitch. Again, Boss fights shouldn’t take longer than 2 minutes at worst, and this is insanity. Like… what were they thinking when they made this shit? This is Sonic. It shouldn’t ever take too long to do anything in these games. Technical problems my ass, it’s the overall design choices that kill this shit!

    So I beat em after about 300 hundred hours, Sonic and Shadow use Chaos Control, & return to the past. And now we look for Radical Train. Did I mention Soleanna is too damn big? It’s so easy to get lost in this shitty looking city. I ended up having to ask npc’s for directions. Then I find the damn Zone blocked! Luckily there was an area where I could break in yadda yadda. 

    Radical Train

    This zone wasn’t bad actually,  aside from the need to rush through it to catch a train. And the Mach Speed zone which I managed to beat the first time. So… cool zone? Good, this post is long enough as it is.

    So we didn’t see anything and all of a sudden Sonic has Elise in hand. And then Silver comes back, Sonic gets tanked again, Elise gets captured again (Amma, just put a tracking device on this bitch) and now Shadow comes to save the day! Sonic just looks more like a bitch as the game goes on. Elise decides to commit suicide by jumping off Robotnik’s ship (so dramatic). I’m left wondering why he didn’t secure that bitch in some sort of container beforehand! Sonic obviously catches her, and then… boss!? Why couldn’t you just run, you ass!?

    Egg Genesis

    Ok, so this fight was about 50/50 when it came to annoyance. Jump on enemies to get on top of the robot, use bounce to kill the machine. The real problem are those fucking missiles that can hit you even on top of the robot, and up there you have this limited amount of space and a small window of opportunity before the head exposes itself, so it’s tedious, but not as long as Iblis. So no big.

    Around this point, I honestly thought the game was getting better!

    So Sonic gets Elise out of there, and for once he cracks a smile. I skipped this scene cause the bonding moments between these two just feel awkward and underdeveloped. 

    Tropical Jungle

    You know, I barely remember this zone. Tropical Jungle kinda sucks like that.

    Then we get CG of Sonic and Elise running to a tree with flower petals and a clear lake. Elise comments on how beautiful it is, and I’m just thinking “this is some gay shit” this isn’t Sonic, it’s a wannabe Final fantasy game. And goddamn, Elise’s face is creepy! It’s like  a cross between a baby doll and a mannequin! It’s like some deranged transformation, she looks ok in the opening CG, but here she takes a turn into uncanny valley. Idk, it’s as though they had 2 different modelers or something. 

    Then the next scene, she gets captured again! I’m amazed no one bothered drawing comparisons to Peach yet.

    So for this next part, i’m playing Tails and I have to go back to Wave Ocean? This is where Sonic’s story just feels underdeveloped. See, each story has the main character’s sidekick go through an extra Zone for a particular reason. Blaze is trying to reunite with Silver, Rouge is trying to rescue shadow from the future,  but with Tails? You get nothing. You gain no understanding of why Tails needs to go into Wave Ocean. There’s the implication that he’s gathering info for Sonic so that he knows where Robotnik is headed. Which reflects badly on Sonic because after an entire journey of knowing this fat mother fucker is after Elise, he should’ve been guarding the bitch, or watched her from afar. Afterall, he is supposed to know Elise is going to die at some point. So why all this!? Because homogeny between all 3 stories is necessary I guess. Each story needs one extra Zone because the sidekicks have their reasons for being here! Except Tails! Oh fuck it.

    So after that waste of padding, I have to find a way into Kingdom Valley. But first I had to find this old bastard who talks about needing to complete 3 trials before I’m allowed to enter. What ensues is perhaps the most asinine segment in this whole damn game. You will learn to hate 06’s load screen. 

    The first trial is beating enemies. No big

    The second is more infuriating. This trial and error shit of going through a maze of warp gates. It literally took me 12 minutes to figure this shit out! And they call this the test of wisdom!? Wisdom for what!? There are no clues indicating which warp gate is the right one. You just guess!

    The last trial is (I shit you not) a trial of love! You just have to pick between Amy or Elise as Sonic’s one true love! I want to make this up. That’s all there is to the trial! I assume this was to appeal to girls, maybe? I don’t know anyone who cares about who makes Sonic’s hose jump the most.

    What the fuck does any of this have to do with earning the right to venture into Kingdom Valley!? Japan was taking that “Gameplay/story segregation” rule to bullshit extremes with these trials. 

    As I get inside, Silver saves Sonic from a pack of robots. And out of the blue, Sonic just accepts his help to find Elise without any dialogue resembling “Dude, you tried to kill me! Twice! WTF!?” Seriously, did he not ponder that shit when Silver reappeared? Dat one-track mind, man..

    Kingdom Valley

    I always thought to myself that kingdom valley would be an awesome zone. And I was wrong. This place is hell! Act 1 is a retread of Windy valley of SA1 with it’s little wind rails (I just noticed how bizarre Sonic’s grinding animation looks), and for some strange reason, and Eagle that carries you to different parts of the zone. Must… resist…. urge to… compare to… Mario 64… and then you have these ropes you bounce off of. Again, the shit homing attack failed me here. Lost about 2 lives for hitting the button so fast. 

    Act 2 is all Silver. Basically just has him destroying all the enemies in the area. Not hard, but I kept getting shot during mid flight into the goddamn water. That was 4 fucking lives over some cheap shit. Act 3 is back to Sonic. This area just looks depressing with all it’s dark gray colors and drab surroundings. And again, you have enemies shooting you off-screen. So I was going through an area without rings, POOF, dead! 

    I was down to zero lives at this point, but I managed to make it to act 4. Another mach-speed zone! But… I was doing well! I had played these sections so much I thought I was a pro! It looked like I was going to make it with zero lives. BUT NO! The son of a bitch slips off a side wall! No reason, he just stops running and falls to his fucking death! 

    Y’all know I was pissed beyond belief!  And this game is merciless. They throw me all the way back to the main menu. No Continues or nothing! And worse yet, I restart my game, and I dont continue from the level itself, I start from the last fucking Zone I just beat! So I had to do those dyke ass trials again!

    This whole mess just fucked my patience. The fact that my death had nothing to do with me fucking up somewhere, but because this blue jackass found a nickel somewhere in all that water is just… ugh. So I shrug through all this bullshit a second time, miraculously beating everything no problem, then I come to act 4 and get shot up the ass, dying 3 times… but eventually I beat it. And I get to move on from this nightmare. 

    So Robotnik’s ship just randomly malfunctioned and crashed. Lol? Sonic shows actual emotion for once, and Silver ends up with a plan to reverse to before his ship crashes (why not to before she ever got kidnapped!?) So Chaos Control! Sonic gives Silver his emerald (you dumbass!) And jumps in the time warp.

    You know what that means!? All the shit I did, the Trials and all? That was all for nothin! I got a free migraine, that’s for sure! I don’t even what I had to do for the last zone.

    Aquatic Base

    Funny. Tails and Knuckles weren’t even with me to make this trip, but they’re playable here for some reason. See how Sonic’s story is just thrown together without context half the time? 

    So this zone was a breeze compared to the sadistic shit from kingdom valley. The metal bubbles were tedious to ride on, but otherwise a pretty uneventful zone.

    Sonic gets to the cock pit and finds Elise. Then Robotnik claims it’s not over just yet.

    Egg Wyvern

    Another hint that Sonic’s story is just thrown together. First, They’re outside!? Weren’t they just on the damn bridge!? Second, Robotnik couldn’t be this petty. Your damn Egg Carrier is going down in flames! You wanna waste time fighting! ? Are you serious right now!?

    Anywho, more waiting games people! This is what we were hyped for back in 06! For the first 2-3 hits, you gotta wait till he flies around, shoots lasers, then charge at you. When he does, jump on his horn and then repeat the tactics used on Egg Cerberus and direct him toward bombs. This is tedious as fuck, btw, I had to do this thing 8 times before I could figure out what I was supposed to do. After this, the cockpit is exposed and comes up with a new  new strategy of… making a bridge of targets so that you can hit his cockpit. Goddamn, hes stupid! W/e, easy fight for me, I can’t complain. It’s just time consuming. It’s long for no reason. And then I fell off the platform so I had to start it all over again. Just loooooooooooong.

    After beating him, I guess he falls to his death? And another CG of Sonic and Elise being INDOORS! Consistency much!? They run outside to find the ship breaking apart. Sonic asks Elise if she’s worried. 

    “If you have time to worry, then run!” Wha? Idk, I guess he said some shit like this earlier? I skipped all their bonding moments earlier. Then Sonic jumps all over the place, i’m surprised Elise hasn’t snapped her neck yet, and then an explosion propels them up a cliff. The impact she took should have definitely killed her. Or at the very least paralyzed the bitch. But she just laughs it off and Sonic joins in  laughter, showing the “wonderful” talents of Jason Griffith. “Nice Smile!” That… that’s really how you’re gonna end it off!? With some flirty ass quote like that!?

    So Tails and Knux died in the crash, right? 😛

    So that was Sonic’s story of 06. It wasn’t at all fun, and was more frustrating than I could’ve imagined. Controlling Sonic was more difficult than it should’ve been that  if you were at a certain speed, he becomes difficult to steer. I also despise the mach speed zones. Nothing could be more luck based than this nonsense. And the story was less about Sonic and more about Elise, some skinny bitch with all the charisma of a slice of bread. And because Sonic wanted some sweet royal ass, he mimics that same charisma, becoming an unbearable animu character in the process. It almost justifies Pontac and Graf.

    (Next time: Silver)

    Also known as “Why control sticks suck”.

    See, Sony’s controllers have this function where the control sticks have buttons in them. Its a stupid design choice, but I suppose it’s good for those COD addicts. But me and control sticks… we don’t get along. They’re insanely easy to break, and because actual repair of them is impossible, I end up having to buy a new controller as a result. And then you’ve got developers who like to make you stress the control during QTEs and you’ve a recipe for anxiety attacks. But at $60, buying controllers is a pricey practice, but see… I bought this new DS3 back in maybe.. September or November of last year, so that’s at least 3-5 months of having this controller. I’ve been gentle as hell. I make a habit of not stressing these sticks because they’re prone to defection. Sticks with buttons more so. It was working fine too. I could play games with no problems.

    But then I picked up Inquisition

    This unmitigated shit piece has a “search” function by which you activate some sonar/radar shit that could reveal items. And you use it by pressing L3. I was content with not using it if that was the case. However, at some point, im required to use the search function anyway for a mainline story quest. Can’t remember which one, but since I couldn’t reconfigure controls (something that seems prevalent amongst developers as they think they know better than you on what a hood control is) I had no choice.

    And now… It’s drifting to the left!

    Was perfectly fine until that fuckin game! Now the springs are fucked and trying to play 06 is an impossibility!

    Analog buttons are a goddamned liability. That or Sony schemes to make more money by making deliberately faulty hardware. Nintendo isn’t any better with their cheaper parts and insistence on making movement control in Smash Bros exclusive to the goddamn control sticks/circle pad. But now the joycons have Analog buttons, and I know Nintendo is gonna force people to use those damned things in their games. That’s their MO

    $60 fuckin dollars down the damn drain, i’m sick of this shit.

    ​How did I miss this!? 

    A little while back, I was linked to a guy name “Sonic the Ghetto-hog”. Don’t think about the name. It was over a Death Battle of Goku vs Superman and then DK vs Knuckles (which, if you’ve watched it, you would know why I would be pissed with that fight). He pointed out exactly why Knux got jipped in that scrap. Not to mention that Knux’s stupidity is a recent invention, and for the most part was exclusive to the handheld titles. But… that’s all other shit.

    So I figured “fuck it, let’s see what else he got”.

    And.. I spot this vid.

    Fuck me with raddish, that was cringe-worthy! How does he not wish to magically enter his monitor to strangle these ignant crackas!?

    All Sonic fans want to have sex with Big the Cat“. Just skip Rouge altogether and go for that fat mother fucker right there!

    What’s really sad is… they could get away with shit like that because shittin on this franchise has become… It’s now ingrained. It’s considered normal. If you like Sonic, something is wrong with you! Justin literally says “Sonic has always sucked, if you disagree, you can call the cops”! Like… what do you even say to some shit like that? Oh and this is funny too.

    Sonic is something you put up with as a kid because you don’t know that there is another world out there“. That doesn’t even make sense and i’m still offended! Who wouldn’t want to cut the bacon grease off his fat ass? 

    So Sonic was just enjoyed by kids who… didnt know any better!? That’s some pretentious shit right there! Just shat on a lot of childhoods in one statement. (Yeah, I know I cant talk) If you wanted to do some dumbass experiment involving how low your jaw could drop, this is required viewing. You’d have to stand in awe of this shit! Just… wow! im literally at a loss for words from that line. Mind blowing, that’s how mind blowing it is, I can’t even think from that shit, fuckin all muh gramer uh-p:;**

    Now, a lot of people threw complaints at IGN for sucking at games when they reviewed 06 and Unleased, giving them low scores and what not. I’m thinking “you can’t say that their views have no value based on how good they are at video games”. Cause not everyone has to be good at games just to review them, it’s a logical fallacy the FGC stubbornly clings to. But then they talk this shit about the classics being cumbersome, tedious, and riddled with trial & error, I had to take a step back. I started to wonder if those retorts from back then were true! The classic Sonic games were fuckin easy! Out of all the old school games of the past, this shit was stress free! It was hard to die back in those days. If they talked about the final bosses, then yeah their claims have merit. But overall? What the fuck is wrong with you pasty teabags!? Naw, HD Sonic games are cumbersome, tedious and riddled with trial & error. A baby chick could fuck up every zone on Sonic CD! Oh Amma, this is too much!

    And then they go on nut riding Mario games. Its like people hate Nintendo until Sonic gets brought up in a discussion! And naw, imma say it, Mario World is some shit! Shitty aesthetics, shitty worlds, many of which look copy and pasted, shitty music, the super cape is inferior to the raccoon tail or tanuki w/e the fuck it’s called, less powerups than SMB3, no real co-op, and Bowser’s gay ass clown car. But hey, it had Yoshi! So it’s not a total loss!

    And shit, it’s like no one has a real opinion on Mario games anymore, they just buy that shit cause it has mario’s fat ass plastered all over the boxes, like Mario’s quality just is and everyone is a part of the religion. This cult-like behavior is disturbing, and I could almost assume that because Sonic was Mario’s competition, the plumber religion dictates that Mario shalt be elavated at the expense of the blue blur! It’s a goddamn feeding frenzy with Sega’s decade long apathy. 

    But w/e, this is almost hard to watch, and you can see this guy is almost mind raped by the sheer stupidity these four have shown. Especially Brian with that olskid mark he calls a hair cut. “Trial & error”, just where could they come to such a conclusion? I’m almost inclined to believe the 06 defenders of old when saying these dipshits suck at video games, or they’re high as fuck. Cause they sound like college kids who can’t stop smoking bullshit to make a decent argument. 

    And “reeks of werehog“? 

    *watches trailer*

    *5 more times*

    Hello!? Hello Werehog, are you there!? I don’t smell Were ass. Yall smell Were ass!? I don’t know what they be whiffin, maybe dat coke. Or IGN. I’m like him, I can’t fucks wit em.