Sonic’s Lost Mind, the latest game in the cocked up Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, has done much to create a thousand shitstorms on the net. From Nintendo acquiring exclusive rights (which have most likely been excused thanks to Sony and Microshit’s Oriental strategies for controlling people), to the trailer and reveal of the six deadly retards, to the talks of handing over Sonic games to the likes of Miyamoto, Aonuma, and Sakamoto. The 3 witches of Macbeth.

What’s most interesting is that Sonic fans are at each other’s throats over, not the fucked up gameplay concepts, not the fucked up controls, and definitely not about the 12 asses Iizuka chugs through straws…. but about the game’s content.

Every Sonic fan has felt it (me included). The series has, more or less, lived up to Sega’s words from 2008 after the abysmal reception from Sonic Unleashed. “Well, kids still like it!” That’s the direction Sega is taking and they are following it down to the letter.  And… still pissing off everyone off. Despite Sega’s “revolutionary” direction, the games still aren’t selling well. But at least the reception’s better which, given their reactions to metacritic scores, seems to be their only concern. I don’t  believe kids write that shit.

Anywho, the question at hand is a doozy for the fans to figure out. Is the Sonic series light-hearted or can it be dark and serious?

Light = Usually on the level of Spongbob or Pokemon. More slapstick and focused on comedy.

Dark = Gargoyles or Batman TAS. More “serious

…….Personally, I’d prefer it to be hotter and sexier.


Hell yes.

Yes, I want Rouge back. Not those shitty cameo appearances like in Colors DS or irrelevant presence in Generations. Just BACK. Give Sonic games some damn sex appeal!

Oh don’t sit there with your arms crossed with that furry label ready to be spit. Unlike those fucked up bronies, this looks like something you wanna ride when she bucks. Shit, I’m healthy in comparison!

Anywho, let it be known that the whole light and dark argument about what is, what was, what should be, yadda yadda, most of it is just noise. Instead of asking the question “what should be”, ask the question “What made him REALLY popular?”.

It wasn’t a question of light or dark content. It was a question of cool content. Sonic was marketed as a “cool character”, from the standard of America at least. What is cool to Americans? Attitude. Cocky, brash, smart ass, jokester, and always kickin ass. But see, Sonic wasn’t the only character with attitude. There was also Knuckles and the characters from the Chaotix. Sonic and Knuckles were enough to make the whole package feel “cool” enough to succeed. But since they fucked them BOTH up, it’s pretty difficult to return to the glory of Sonic’s respective “coolness”.

What else made Sonic cool? The question would be what made him stand out from the crowd at the time? Well, I’d say it’s time for a little SANKOFA!


Well, he’s a cartoon animal who has, more or less, been featured in media where he’s fighting robot armies. We’ve had AOSTH which was a typical Americock cartoon filled with slapstick. But then we had SATam, Underground, the on-going comic book series (US and UK), etc. These mediums, more than the games in the best regard, defined the universe of Sonic the Hedgehog. The Sonic games really had a lacking universe where people (who didn’t read manuals) had to try and fill the gaps themselves. So with the cartoons and the comics, we had a picture of what Sonic’s world was like. SATam’s content was a balance between light and dark content. There was enough “dark” to keep the kids interested and stimulated, and just enough “light” content to keep the soccer moms at bay. This nice balance kept Sonic “cool” in a sense. And all the boys wanted to plow Sally Acorn.

Underground continued that trend, though it wasn’t as “serious” as SATam. But it had Knuckles who was already extremely popular. Coolness preserved.

Of course, you had the comics too which, while starting out pretty wacky, went into the direction that SATam had already laid out, and allowed the series to exist to this very day. How many issues do they have, like 300+? And the series has a very strict balance between the content scale.

Then, when Sonic Team actually started to care about story, the content of previous mediums was validated by the Adventure games (hell, it was validated even BEFORE that with Sonic CD, 3, Spinball, and Chaotix to an extent.). With the Adventure games firmly establishing the set story pieces for the series, with the previous mediums we’ve all been exposed to, our minds have been clear that the series had always been a balance between both scales.

So for the most part, Sonic was “balanced”. IE… “Cool”. Characters with attitude taking on some downright sinister mad scientists and demonic entities while still being “family friendly” enough to not give anyone nightmares. There shouldn’t even be a discussion based on what Sonic is supposed to be. It’s been established back in 93.

But then Sonic X came. Sonic X is the definitive anomaly of how we define Sonic today. Sonic was cool (or edgy what may have you) while still able to keep the soccer moms away. The people who have been with the franchise knew what Sonic was about. It had a balanced nature between both parallels of the scale. The series appealed to everyone. Sonic X brought new kinds of fans to the series… in a harmful way. See, Sonic Xis proclaimed to be “the shit” if watched in Japanese (like every other damn anime in existence).  But when SOJ decided to port it over, they gave the license to 4kids which FUBAR’d how we see Sonic today. See, from what I hear, Sonic X in Japan is about the same level as most Sonic media that we’re used to. But 4kids has a bad habit of completely fucking up every anime they get their hands on (Pokemon is no exception, lets call a rice cake a donut 3 times in a row). The content of Sonic X was eviscerated so much, the series became much more light than it needed to be, even to the point of changing essential plot elements because apparently, kids couldn’t handle the concept of death.

I mean, we 90s kids ain’t been right since this damn movie! 

So, while some Sonic fans watched the show and mildly enjoyed it or had a few bouts of ol’ AVGN expletives of disgust, people who were more into anime and never truly Sonic fans watched it and believed that this is how Sonic has always been. I mean, this is the general belief  many Sega fans hold to explain the almost clinically insane desire to bash people over the head about Sonic being for kids meaning “EXTRA LIGHT!”

And its not a bad theory. Because if you were a Sonic fan for quite some time before this show aired, you wouldn’t say some shit like this asshole would.

being a Nintendo fan, myself I’m very pleased with this news. I really like how they are making Sonic games fun, lighthearted and comical lately as well. I think I’m a Sonic fan now!

Makes one shit vomit, doesn’t it?

But I digress, Sonic X, more or less, skewed the perceptions of what end Sonic tipped toward the most. Vet fans knew it was balanced. But X fans felt it was more on a level similar to Pokemon. Then you had Sonic Heroes which validated their perceptions of what Sonic was supposed to be. The game’s writing was cheesier than an Oprah special, I swear. Then, with Sonic Advance 2, Sonic Battle, and Sonic Advance 3 further coloring their views, it was clear to them that Sonic was just a slap happy series. Since Nintendo always had a much larger install base than Sega, they were getting in on the franchise, but were gaining different ideas about how it rolled. And they basically eclipsed the Vet fans in number (despite lagging sales? What the smurf!?)

See, a part of this was the lack of input from SOA. Many of the Sonic mediums Vet fans were used to came from them as SOJ didn’t give a fuck about giving Sonic a universe. Like I said before many times (and people outright deny this for the sake of, it seems), SOJ was only concerned about blast processing (Sega advertised the hell out of it’s hardware power…which worked, oddly enough), so SOA had more wiggle room to try and give Sonic a universe. I had gotten an email from a friend saying they even made a fucking “Sonic Bible” with detailed blueprints of how the characters came to be and everything, why Robotnik is evil, his origin name being Ovi “Kintobor“, and bits and pieces of this “bible” was used for the scripts of SATam and the Comics. SATam was made to be taken seriously as Len Jansin wanted it to be treated like a true hollywood production, but SOA said “fuck yeah” and just rolled with it, revising this bible as the series went on. Sonic’s most appealing content came directly from SOA. I don’t know what the hell SOJ is doing with the series, they seem to be out of control with the content.

So now we got new fans that had completely and drastically different ideas about Sonic’s content. And they became the most vocal. So… how did you expect Shadow the Hedgehog to not be skinned alive? People were dictating that they felt “betrayed” by the sudden fluctuation of the content. I mean, you’ve only been a fan for like… what? 4 years on average and you’re complaining now? I got 13 years on yah.

I’m gonna be quite honest, but after Generation X had their fun, Shadow’s game was like a sigh of relief for me. I would’ve taken anything that reminded me of the old days, even if it did destroy the very appeal of the franchise. Then Sonic Riders which, more or less, felt like the Sonic I actually knew. Erm… sans Knuckles being a pants-shitting retard.

Then… Sonic 06 happened…. its too redundant to go back to.

Unfortunately, these days, Gen X sees the “darker” elements of Shadow and 06 to ultimately be their own demise. While it’s debate-able for Shadow (people were focused on the Gun than the whole package), 06 is a strange case. The attention was given to the beta-flaws than anything else. If there’s one thing to know about Sonic fans, they will let ONE thing stop them from liking anything else about the game. Whether it be guns to… understandable glitches to werehogs which…. weren’t at all flawed to begin with, but was hated primarily because it was there. It seemed like from 2004-2009, we had a good 5 years of content that appealed to Vet fans (actually I’m gonna call us Casters cause… Dreamcast….. you know… something cooler than “Vet fans”, shit) while the Gen X’ers kept pissing all over everything that came out in this period, except for that damn Sonic Rush, and that one-dimensional bitch Blaze. But, due to the almost bratty nature of Gen X, and the journalists at large (despite reports of good sales for Unleashed amidst all the turmoil of Metacritic’s wrath), Sega caved in and said “fuck it, we’ll give it to Gen X for…ever”. So After Black Knight, which felt more like a tribute game to all of the Casters (The easter eggs and fan art compilations were….cute), 2010 up till now, Sega’s been catering mostly to the Gen X crowd, which has probably grown larger thanks to Disney’s stupid Wreck-it Ralph movie, which in itself would explain why there are people literally suggesting that the six deadly retards in Lost Mind would be…. “charming”. That word. Charming. Every Disney animated movie review has that word in it. I swear it.

Charming enough?

Ok, Sankofa over now. Ok, so the debate is really one big ass fan war between Casters and Xers.




Casters hate:


Advance games

Maybe the Rush games

Olympics crap



Xers hate:

Pretty much every game that has “darker” content (with Shadow and 06 as their only arguments as to why it’s soooo bad to have dark content period).

The Comics

They both agree on:


Sonic 4.

Anywho, since I grew up in the 90s, I’m obviously on the Caster side. Not only because of my own history, but also because if I’m being quite honest, Sonic had more appeal back before Gen X became a part of the fandom mainly because Sonic’s content was being done by people who actually had some fucking passion and desire to make Sonic popular and make the Genesis a huge hit whereas SOJ squandered their own potential for money and fucked up on the Mega Drive in Japan. It is also my belief that SOJ is just SHIT at appealing to people with taste (fuck, Eternal Champions had more appealing content than Virtua Fighter, but SOJ killed that series off so that Virtua Fighter wouldn’t get over shadowed on the Saturn. But it gets over shadowed by Tekken and DOA anyways so…). So be offended, I could care less, fuck you, but if you find the half-assed shit that SOJ does these days appealing, then you have no taste. Nor do you have the capacity to debate beyond the degree of bratty, nut-less children with a superiority complex. Looking through the internet, every argument you come up with can be demolished without a second thought.

First off, everyone believes Sonic should have a balanced fix of Light and Dark content. That’s what made Sonic “cool” and successful. Since 2003, Sega hasn’t even seen the level of success they had back in the 90s (everyone can attest to that). So leaning to far to the Light won’t do jack shit for them. Teaming up with Nintendo won’t do jack shit for them. Sonic’s appeal is gone. It cannot be retrieved without a proper reboot. Everyone who’s had a commercial flop usually takes a break from the series, comes back after a long gap when the bad taste is out of everyone’s mouths, and then they try again with a potential reboot. SOJ, unfortunately, doesn’t have the option of waiting a few years. Their broke asses can barely afford to publish anymore of Platinum’s flops (No, Sega’s decision to delay Anarchy Reigns wasn’t stupid. They actually checked their track record and thought “Wow, P* can’t sell for shit!”) and because everything they make under-performs (except those damn Olympics games) they don’t know what the hell to do, so they assume you Xers are their core audience, which is ironic because you aren’t even buying the games you praise so much. They have to milk Sonic with the Xers in mind under the false pretense that you’ll buy the games. So Sonic games are doomed to a vicious cycle of chump change revenue generating practices, with hopes shattered every time a review comes out and Sonic doesn’t go beyond the damn 1 million mark. I also love the delusions where Xers believe that Lost Mind would even have an increment of success on a platform that is performing like ass. Have they not paid attention to Iwata’s rampant apologies for the abysmal performances of the console? He has to cover his own hide just so the share-holders won’t butt fuck him later on, no one is going to buy Wii U’s for Sonic the Hedgehog.

Another thing, I need to get this off my chest. Sonic Colors. The damn game is not dark. Doesn’t even go there. Stop…. trying to convince people that it is. Yes, Robotnik’s plot to enslave an entire alien race to drain their life force for a mind control device is very…. very fucked up, but that isn’t enough to convey a “dark” tone for the game. Asteroid Coaster. It looks like a deranged stage alright, but thanks to it’s music, it falls flat on it’s face. You guys are disregarding the presentation. That is the key to creating “dark” context. If you want someone to take your work seriously, you have to present it in a way that conjures emotions of urgency and actual danger. NONE of that is conveyed in Sonic Colors. It’s typical, bubbly shit you would see Tiny Toons Adventures or w/e. If the music of Asteroid Coaster weren’t so upbeat and keeping in tone with the rest of the game, I’d be a little more convinced and creeped out by the sudden shift in content. Give me some audio that fills me with dread of the Asteroid Coaster. Being designed “disturbing” is not enough to be disturbing. Take a tip from Sonic CD. When Robotnik shows up, the “shit got real” music pops up. If you get game over, you will have nightmares for weeks.

THAT is the kind of music you would play for Asteroid Coaster to come off as “ok, I’m a little concerned for my well being now”. Just being there doesn’t creep me out. You’re overselling these few elements as a desperate attempt to appeal to Casters, people you hold nothing but contempt for, reducing the game’s few redeeming qualities into nothing more than mindless trivia noise.

Robotnik’s sick and twisted plot had faaar too much exposition before we even get to the point of Alien enslavement. There’s no reason for a game to be so self-aware of it’s own series tropes that it causes the entire thing to come crashing down before it even gets started. Besides that, Robotnik spends more time bitching about a missing voice chip, then complains about the voice chip being back, showing that he’s really just stupid. Infact, too stupid. There was no reason to enslave an entire race of Aliens for a mind control device when it’s much easier to sneak around, find the chaos emeralds which contain unlimited power, and BAM! Mind control device is easy as pie. Wisps are limited in quantity and can escape real easily, making it a hassle to gather them all up again. We’re damned used to the Chaos Emeralds being an over-used plot device by now, SOJ, fuck.

Now, had you used this.

You probably would’ve had an argument. But even then, the course of the game has already dulled your senses to the point that you feel the final boss is truly unremarkable, which is probably why none of you even bothered to bring it up.

Think about the Presentation of Mufasa’s death. And learn why Sonic Colors cannot be defended in the same way. The creators of Lion King intended for it’s story to be taken more seriously than your average kids film. And they damn well made sure of it.

With presentation in mind, look at the trailer for Lost Mind. How does that come off to you? Like it’s not intended for your own demographic. These six ugly, Nickelodeon style retards just look like typical characters you would see from some cheap flash-animated cartoon from Cartoon Network these days. Like that house of Imaginary Friends show.

That purple bull in the back looks like Red man so much right now.

And lastly, this “Sonic is for kid’s” mantra means absolutely jack shit.

Kid’s Show

Kid’s Show

Kid’s Movie

Kid’s Game

Kid’s ga…DAMN!

The whole “Sonic is for kids” mantra can kindly fuck right off. Kids today don’t know what they’ve missed. Back then, we had kids media that treated you like your balls dropped early. And dammit, it was memorable. Kids crap back then were much more stimulating and influential. I think I speak for everyone when I say Sonic was better off being more stimulating and influential. But see, all the kids crap worked because they all had a BALANCE! These Xers don’t want balance at all! They want to go full reta…I-I mean full light-heart. You cannot remove Sonic from his successful origins. Because of that content fluctuation, Sonic’s appeal is gone. He should’ve stuck with the BALANCE he had from SA2 and moved with it. But thanks to 4kids and SOJ, Xers clearly have the wrong ideas about what Sonic is supposed to be.

And no. Targeting children “exclusively” is a big… fucking… mistake. Infact, as broke Sega is, it’s self destructive.

Disney tried the same tactic with Winnie the Pooh. Targeting the children audience exclusively led to box office bombs across the board. Turns out, children didn’t want that BS. Targeting children only works for edutainment shows on PBS and WETA. Not mediums intended for mass market appeal. Sonic is a mass market product. He’s not supposed to be designed for a specific target demographic. If DISNEY failed in that department, Sega is absolutely, completely, and utterly…. fucking …STUPID to even think of relying on “kids” to fill the voids left by Iizuka’s incompetence, Hajime’s crappy Pachinko business, and their asshole SOJ board of directors from the 90s. Sega is too damn broke to go this route. Sonic needs to appeal to EVERYONE. That’s how they made money in the past. Dipping on either end has proven to ass rape them more times than can be counted. BALANCE! So if anything, Sega is taking baby steps in that direction. I’ve played the horrors of the latter Advance games, the Rivals cluster fucks, the embarrassing Sonic Heroes, and the campy ass Sonic Colors to know that SOJ clearly wants to go that route, and that is not a good thing to smile about.

“Sonic is for kids” is propaganda to silence criticism of a series that’s dipping too far to one end which may ultimately kill off the series. The Nintendo partnership creates this environment of uncertainty that the games will never go back to a content structure that worked and was enjoyable by everyone, not the minority Xers who grew up on Nintendo, Disney, and bad anime like DBZ and Naruto. And DEFINITELY not those fuckin bronies. When people bitch about Sonic going full light, they don’t need to be reminded of Sega’s 2008 “fuck it” statement. Because in the end, the KIDS won’t like Sonic for very long. Old people can go back and watch Loony toons because it had content that appealed to all ages. People back then didn’t really distinguish kids from adults I assume, but knew soccer moms give people all kinds of hell, so they dip back on the mature shit. But they still gave out enough because they know kids beg their parents to watch shit with them. Who knows? Maybe if you get older, you’d want to play a Sonic game with your kid that doesn’t embarrass you?

Oh, here’s this post on that awful Sonic Stadium board which went largely ignored, but was damned fantastic none the less.

Sonic isn’t a small scale series to me. Eggman doesn’t merely want a theme park so he can overcharge his customers ridiculously. He wants the entire sapient populous enslaved in this thing, and as power-mad as he is, he will go to extreme lengths to get that. And Eggman is usually crafty; on a good day, he’ll be trying to stay ahead of Sonic, fighting him constantly, stealing Emeralds- those throwaway things that only have unlimited magical power- and relying on monsters he’s drug from the grave to keep him at bay, all the while manufacturing robotic armadas of ridiculous proportions. All of this sometimes requires the assistance of a large group of heroic characters of different temperaments and abilities, characters who can butt heads themselves as their own goals potentially clash. With all of this generally established, why would I want any of this downplayed in the first place? Just the basic pieces of Sonic conflict is hella interesting stuff.”

TL:DR, pop your titties out of the kids mouths and let them have some stimulation, bitches!

Nasally sounding Sonic is cooler than Modern Sonic.