Good… gawd dat gameplay is worse than 06!

At some point in our merry lives, people will claim S3K sucks via Tails becoming necessary for certain situations because Sonic is a “one man army” due to the solo acts he’s been getting for the last 5 years.

Gamefaqs provides nothing but comedy relief these days. I’ve never seen so much bitterness toward how much people love a video game since the “dreaded casuals”. And the unfortunate thing is this idea is spreading wider than swine flu.

It’s all due to the negative reception towards the newer Sonic games, including Lost Mind with that damn music note. The backlash against older Sonic games is not at all genuine. It is an open declaration of war against another fan sector.
I mean, lets be honest. Nintendo fans are a part of the Sonic fanbase, and they can only see the gameplay side. They’ve been taught so righteously by Miyamoto that it is all that matters in gaming. He believes it so much that he defies his own masters to dictate so. I don’t know the smell of Miyamoto’s ass, but it must be a heavenly fragrance, because he and his worshippers crammed their heads so far up there, you need the jaws of life to tear em out.

It seems that nowadays, Sonic fans are coming up with all kinds of shit to dictate why people should be happy and put up with this BS. The excuse being “you haven’t played them yet, so don’t judge.”. Ah, the “try it before judging” clause. A most popular damage control technique that matters nothing in the world of entertainment. Most especially when it comes to a medium that costs a second mortgage to enjoy per year. If one were to pay $60 for a game in a market where used games are under attack, and renting is no longer a popular try-before-buy, IE the consumers having very little purchasing power left, that excuse holds no weight this time around.

Some fanatics have the audacity to suggest Lost Mind will actually “beat out” Sonic Adventure 2 of all games. The futility of mere fantasy is a farce greater than Sony’s mandated firmware updates. Though possible it is a troll effort, it almost seems to be a genuine thought. This happens with goddamn everything that’s popular. If people bash you over the head with the same shit over and over and over, you’re bound to hate it so much, it becomes an epidemic of bile.

Lets be honest. Sonic Adventure 2 was the epitome of “way past cool”. It is the sweet spot of the Sonic franchise. The marriage between both the light and the shade. The mystery of it’s expanded universe compelled fans to draw closer to a purchase. Seeing Sonic perform even more crazy stunts than before. Mother fucker, SA2 was the shit. How none could comprehend is simply a matter of misguided perspective. One only needs to look at video games in the same vein as entertainment to know so. And SA2 was beyond entertaining. I’m aware that as old media ages, so does the ability to fairly judge them with eyes of the modern day. And so Sonic games are put at a disadvantage when it’s reputation is in the shitter, the temptation to go full CGS is too strong a desire for the masses. The easiest target being the gameplay.

As we all know, games with bad gameplay are never popular.

Come ere. Lemme… lemme let you in on a little secret. You wanna know why Sonic Adventure 2 is a beast? Well… here… hold on…

1. Atmosphere.


How many Sonic games can you say has levels with a different feel a large majority of the time? We know Sonic and Shadow’s levels are high speed action stages, but when it comes to the other characters, they bring a whole new dimension to “holy shit”. If you can spend a second or 2 ignoring the game rules and pay attention to your surroundings, especially in the treasure hunting stages, otherwise known as Yurugu’s torture chambers. Take note of Pumpkin Hill, Aquatic Mines, and Death Chamber, especially. Now, as stages that are based on exploration, it’s easy to get lost in these places. But even worse is those fucking ghosts that pop out from walls and tombstones. Oh, the piss that will fly from your trousers when you run into these things. Yes, the ghosts look stupid, but the mere fact that they can strike fear into your very soul, not knowing where those sneaky fuckers will pop out from next. It’s psychological terror if anything.

And then payback was a bitch.

Other times, you have levels such as the Lost Ark where it is almost pitch black. You’re put into the shoes of a blind nigga and expected to progress, only guided by the few lights of enemies and walls. Are you afraid of the dark? Well FUCK YOU! You get to hit B multiple times, hoping you kill whatever the hell may be in front of you! Hopefully I got the bas-… OH FU– NOOOOO!

Other times, it’s not even required to scare you. Sometimes, it invokes emotions and pressure. For example, in Crazy gadget, you’re tasked with needing to make it to the main control room of the Ark to save Amy while Robotnik SCREAMS at you over an intercom threatening to kill her. That gives you just enough motivation to press on through the level (and that place was a bitch to get through with all that fucked gravity). But do you just bitch and moan about it, quit, and let Amy die? I know, I know. These days, it’s tempting. 😛

Isn’t that the beauty of good content? It can be a good motivator when the conditions are right. Of course, the atmosphere is not without-

2. No music genre discrimination.

Get krunk bitches.

If you wanted a diverse soundtrack in Sonic games (as with CD) then you’re in luck again! It’s been years since we’ve gotten a Sonic game with some variety in it’s soundtrack. Not to mention fuckin good tunes too! You get Rock, Rap, weed rock, jazz, teletubbie shit, etc. Nowadays, you have no diverse OST. It’s either rock all the way, orchestrated nonsense, or the like. Not to mention how the music used easily fit the situations of each level while staying in consistency with the character’s main themes. Take Rouge for example. Her first level “Lagoon Oasis(?)” has a very soft, maybe porny theme where she’s simply looking for some of Knuckle’s gems. On the other hand, you have security hall where she is on a time limit of 5 minutes and has to find chaos emeralds as quickly as possible. The theme is much faster and sounds like something you’d hear in a “secret agent” type of movie. The OST mellows out when it comes to slower paced segments, and gets more adrenaline pumped when it comes to the pure action stages. Easily sets the mood of every level to the point that you’d be surprised this was made by Sega. Think back to most of Robotnik’s tracks. Many of them are actiony because he goes in and blows shit up. But then you get to Lost Ark. You know, it’s a dark, cold, abandoned space station. Very little is active, and it’s just a derelict shadow of itself. The music goes accordingly to it’s whims. It’s a very quiet tune. Very little instruments are used beyond a mellowed guitar and…. other instrument who’s name escapes me. It was almost… scary even.

Yeah yeah, I know the same could be said about Unleashed as well, but most of it is generic anyway (Empire City, Shamar night, and Chun Nan withstanding).

Too bad Crazy Gadget didn’t have anything to convey the urgency of the situation going on, what with Robotnik screaming death threats over the intercom. Why would would anyone give a damn about saving Amy of all people? Well

3. The plot ensures you give a fuck.

These days, I’m surprised that no one brings up a lack of “emotional investment” when it comes to the disproportionate amount of reasons that Sonic sucks. I mean, goddamn. Is it any wonder people hate any character that isn’t the true blue blur himself, even when he’s no better? Because all of the characters have been derailed to the point of absurdity. If you played this coming off the shit plots of current day games, you would be repulsed by having to deal with anyone despite them not being anywhere absurdly annoying. Shadow’s inner demons are easier to digest because they’re not shoved into your face 100% of the time like his own personal game. Each character has their own motives and reasons for being involved into the plot. Knuckles is looking for his emerald shards, Rouge is a spy, Sonic wants payback for getting framed, Tails and Amy had to bust him out and try to help him solve whatever Robotnik is cooking up, Shadow wants to kill off the human race, etc. See, all characters have their own arks explored and delved into unlike current games where they’re shoved into the plot with no context or motive. I mean, look at how Sonic Heroes handled everything. Knuckles joins up into the fray with no rhyme or reason. Everyone asks the question of why he isn’t guarding that fucking emerald like he’s supposed to. When did Big become friends with Amy and Cream!? Omega has to be the most arbitrary character ever conceived. And they’re just… there when it comes to 06. Along with Amy and Rouge. Fuck, why was that bitch Blaze even in that game? In fact, why is Tails in Unleashed? Or Amy? Are they playable? Then why the fuck are they in the game!?

Content wise, the character’s inclusions made no goddamn sense. Especially if you’re not gonna make them playable half the time. Not SA2. No, they actually serve a purpose. Knuckles’s quest to find his shards was useful in trying to disable the Chaos Emeralds from powering the Ark (almost, at least), Amy had to talk some sense into Shadow who just wanted to sit back and let shit happen, etc. Oh what!? “Oh ANY character could’ve done any of” blah blah, fuck you. I’ve heard this excuse so many times in the past and it tires the fuck out of me. What the FUCK is that supposed to mean? Amy was useful for something. It’s canon, it’s official, if not for the bitch, Shadow would not have been motivated to kick fucking ass. Get over it. People use this piss ass reasoning to lessen the impact of the character’s efforts out of spite and the salvation of their bruised egos. Nuts be shriveled if peeps go that far to be “right” in a debate.

Perhaps that’s why everyone claims Colors had a good story (AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!). All characters included made sense to some regard. Sonic and Tails are fuck buddies so obviously they travel together on every trip they plan. Of course, they’re gonna sop Robotnik and yadda yadda. Whether or not it’s well told….it isn’t.

That’s another thing. It’s actually WRITTEN well that no one minds whatever plotholes the X’ers desperately try to find to prove how bad the game is. Despite the amount of thought put into expanding the universe, they don’t blow anything out of proportion like they do in 06 or Unleashed, or reveal the plot prior to the climax of the game (hint hint Colors fanboys).

But you say “So it has a good story, so what? That’s no reason to say it’s a great game! Why would I want to replay this crap over and over?”

4. Stupid, cute ass chao…

One of the biggest time sinks in Sonic history were those cute mother fucking aliens called Chao. What slick son of a bitch decided to use some baby sounds for the voices of the adorable little whatevers? Not only that, but any game that gives you the ability to raise up any kind of monster is bound to be addictive as hell. You can even create customized chao. Angel Chao, Devil Chao, Unicorn Chao, Eldrich abomination Chao, and even character chao! Sonic Chao, the overrated Tails Chao, etc.

At the same time, how bad ass was it to be able to take the critters and have them do cock fights against each other in Chao karate!? Raise the little bastards and go head to head in MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAT! It is beyond the funniest mode in any Sonic game, and is a shame to never see it replicated.

5. Leaves you wanting more.

Factually the most epic Sonic fight ever.

Sonic games don’t usually have the best finales that gives you that craving for a potential sequel like many a Konami title. Infact, there hasn’t been a single one since SA2. Think about it. When you beat Sonic Heroes, did you feel a craving for a new game? It didn’t eave much to the imagination beyond an explanation for why Shadow is alive. Did Colors leave you with a craving for the next entry? Ha! Fuck no! Generations? HA! Biolizard may be a veeeeeeeeeeeery shitty looking final boss, but damn if that final fight wasn’t the least bit thrilling. With the world on a strict time limit of ZIP, you have to destroy the Biolizard before Earth is completely destroyed. Everyone on Earth is fearing for their lives, all over the world. The cast from within the Ark crying out to you to save their goddamn lives. The only hope is you and… you. It is a desperate struggle to save the world from the madness of a corpse. The end result?

A heroic sacrifice.

Heroes lament about their lives and Shadow’s death. And that ending pic just fucks yo tear ducts all up!

SHIT MAN! I still can’t get over how Iizuka directed this game! Look at the ass quality he does now! What a damn fantastic send off for the Dreamcast. Shit was a glorious send off. More than I can say for that busted ass Twilight Princess.

You think after something this amazingly epic that the next Sonic game is just going to be bigger and better in every way, right? Well, fuck all of us in that department, but the anticipation we all had was tremendous.

Please, Sonic Adventure 2 suc-man get yo bitch asses out of my fandom with that bullshit. SA2 was a beast for good reason. It hit every G-spot within every fan with damn good content, beast ass OST, great atmosphere, and I say this with a hot ass cup of fuck you, good gameplay. None of it was particularly frustrating (save for Crazy Gadget). Just testing of the patience many had. And fuck, it must not be that bad when it’s making one of the top spots on PSN’s sales charts. SA2 sucks my ass.

Ya’ll niggas expect me to believe for a moment that Lost Mind stands a chance at topping Sonic Adventure 2!? Come on man! I will bet money on that one! What memories could this game possibly leave behind? What impact could it have on the fans of the series? What legacy will it leave behind? Sonic Adventure 2 left shoes too damn big to fill if you’re counting on this piece of shit to take up the slack for all the mud slinged at the franchise. And you punk mother fuckers want to try and go back and find every possible flaw to shut up fans of SA2? Shit, they have a reason to be proud fans. Least they don’t have to go around and pick out flaws of your beloved Colors to prove why SA2 is worthy of praise. You’re motivated only by spite.



This should’ve been Robotnik’s theme. 😦