1. My god, Joan Rivers should be decapitated for giving Link the courage to take up plastic surgery.

2. Why is there a school for knights when nothing ever happens in the sky?

3. Zelda is a tsundere now?

4. Yes, Zelda. Attempted murder is a great way to practice for a flying contest

5. So I gotta hold A to run and then flick the nun-chuck to do a basic roll? OH BOY! INNOVASHUN IS FUN FUN FUN!

6. Groose’s pompadour. Nuff said.

7. I never imagined Aonuma would turn Zelda into a high school drama where Link deals with bullies while he needs that crazy bitch to defend him from them.

8. Found my bird! Now I need a sword to get to the bird.

9. Yes, I know swords are dangerous, but with friends like Zelda, I’m gonna need it.

10. Spin attack by holding both Wiimote and Nunchuck together and swing it from left to right or vice versa!

11. Twisting and contorting right arm to fly is an incredible experience!

12. How cute of the LOTR elf to remind us of Zelda’s 25th anniversary.

13. Oh sure script writers, force this damn race to go on longer right AFTER I reach the flying statue!

14. AndI get a blanket for winning. 😦

15. She likes pushing people off cliffs, huh?

16. Constant face plants are fun, fun, fun!

17. Gah! Finally, that crazy bitch gets captured and yet the story treats it like it’s a bad thing.

18. Yes Link. Follow this random creepy ghost bitch out near a cliff!

19. DEMONIC PUSSY ATTACK!!!

20. …I have to hold the Wiimote straight up in the air to continue the story?

21. So after like… what, 45 minutes of tutorials, I FINALLY get to go out and kick some ass? I thought Twilight Princess was an eternity.

22. Annnnnnnd another tutorial. Dowsing?

23. Why do I have to look for these fat-fuck monsters that look like testicles? I don’t like them. I don’t want to save them. I’d rather kill em!

24. This is the first time the first dungeon of any Zelda game looked so damn shitty.

25. And just how the fuck was I supposed to figure out how to kill the spider!?

26. Yes bitch, I’m 100% sure too that there’s a key inside. Wish you held my hand with that damn spider.

27. Nintendo didn’t even bother hiding the water switches this time.

28. Since when did Stalfos learn to fight?

29. Why can’t I use the pointer to aim the beetle? It’s like I have to wave the damn thing around to pinpoint my target.

30. Why does the Boss key look like a strange version of the cosmic cube?

31. So now I have to use motion plus to turn the fucking key until it fits into the boss door lock!? You’re fucking serious!?

31. I like how this blue bitch never helps me on boss battles because, for a second there, I almost forgot how to fight against a faggot that can catch my sword with ease.

32. Sorry, but your tsundere is in another dungeon.

33. If I belong to a school for knights, why do I still get a piece of shit wooden shield at the start!?

34. Oh shit! Impa got revitaligo!

35. I think it’s quite bullshit how I went through hell and back to find the temple only to be told I have to go BACK DOWN A STEEP HILL to find “pieces of a key”.

36. Wow, I blazed through this dungeon in as little as 2 minutes, holy shit!

37. Of course they would make the “now black Impa” a total bitch. Well excuse me for needing to get up to the temple, go back away from the temple to find some keys, get back to the temple, go through the temple, and then fight a long and tedious boss fight to get to my bitch, you inconsiderate bastard!

37. Now have to replace my damn shield again for electric enemies! It’s like this game was designed to promote consumerism.

38. Think these time stones are cool? I used to think so too.

39. Why does this game think I need to use the beacons to find my way through sand?

40. So now have to find 3 generators. Is this game trying to force me to use Dowsing?

41. The Dust bellows from the Minish Cap!? Oh. I can bloooow the sand away! That’s a VERY useful tool, you fucking assholes!

42. See, now this is stupid. The Scorpion hides so now I just have to whip out the Dust Bellows any damn way if I want to attack it. It’s like all the bullshit in this game is there to justify features I don’t want to use!

43. OH SHIT! EPIC BATTLE THAT… ends with me getting a harp.

44. So now my next objective is to reforge the Goddess Sword? It wasn’t powerful enough before? I can just see the feminists going “Oh if it was the GOD sword, it wouldn’t need to be reforged, Nintendo is sexist!”

45. Oh Amma, Groose just had to tag along with me as I plummet.

46. I can’t be the only one grossed out by slashing gelatin toenails.

47. Not my fault I had to save your life. Dipshit Groose.

48. Fi should never be allowed to sing… ever.

49. I hate the Silent realm. That is all.

50. You know Aonuma is trolling you when you have 2 different stamina gauges.

51. Swimming vs Flying. Which has worst controls? I have no idea!

52. Is that honestly a Dragon taking a bath?

53. You want me to go back to the first dungeon to pick up… some water in a bottle? Really Aonuma?

54. Singing Water Dragon.

55. I like how this dungeon is basically a remix of the first one.

56. I can’t use the whip to attack enemies like a Belmont. 😦

57. The only good boss fight in the game needs the shittiest whip ever to defeat.

58. Oh look, you can use the harp to power up the Goddess Sword, just like in Wind Waker! OMG TRIVIA TRIVIA TRIVIA!

59. I hate the Silent Realm. That is all.

60. If this fucking robot doesn’t learn how to fucking navigate this fucking desert ocean…

61: A pirate ship that is a remix of the 3rd dungeon. Joy.

62. RASTAPUSS! Time tah get tentacle-raped by dah most high!

63. Is there honestly a Goddess Shrine hidden on a pirate ship?

64. I don’t like dowsing for items period. And now I’m reminded of why.

65. I hate the Silent Realm. That is all.

66. Earrings?! That’s my prize!?

67. Gates with fire. Use water. One fire pillar needs a bigger supply of water. Cannot continue.

68. Goes back to Water Dragon to get water. Can’t carry. Need Skipper.

69. Flying with Skipper to get to Volcano. Skipper wants to get up into Fi’s thighs and knocks us all down far from the Volcano.

70. ESCORT MISSION because Skipper’s a bitch.

71. If this wasn’t the most tedious process of getting into a dungeon, I don’t know what is.

72. Digging mitts? Why am I reminded of the shovel Claw from Sonic Adventure 2?

73. So these mitts only allow me to play pacman styled minigames?

74. Ghirahim shows off his bizarre sex appeal before the fight.

75. I think I was happier knowing nothing about the Master Sword being related to Fi in any fucking way.

76. So I go to the past to find out Zelda is a reincarnated Goddess that plotted everything out for Link to be bullshitted. Then goes to sleep to keep the imprisoned locked up. Wow, way to make me feel as though my existence is nothing but a puppet for God’s amusement, Aonuma!

77. I have to find a Whale to find the Triforce? Sounds legit.

78. I need permission to use a technique before I can save the world!?

79. After using said technique on the whale, I will never use it ever again.

80. Did Aonuma honestly think I wouldn’t know he copy/pasted the squid fight onto the Whale’s virus?

81. So I did all that just for the whale to give me directions in finding songs. Fucking shit man! First it was trying to find Zelda in 3 dungeons, 3 flames, and now 3 songs! All in the same places! It’s like they spent 5 years trying to figure out how to pad out the game!

82. The bitch flooded the forest. Joy.

83. Ok, I was under the impression that Zelda sleeping would keep the Imprisoned from escaping his seal. Yet, here I am fighting him again. Zelda is forever a useless character, even when she’s in a coma.

84. Even after I save your life for a second time, I STILL need proof that I’m a fucking hero!? Bitch! I have conquered 6 fucking dungeons, I’ve dealt with Fi’s annoying non-advice, 3 Imprisoned fights, and I have the Master Sword! You see the hilt!? It’s purple! PURPLE YOU BITCH!

85. I have to catch the song under water. Yeah, that makes sense.

86. Back in the Volcano, I get blown off by some wind, I wake up and my shit got jacked.

87. You bring back those stupid mitts? What about my sword, that would’ve been better!

88. Sam Fischer is disappoint.

89. Back in the desert, the 3rd dragon is dead(!!!)

90. So after using the time stone to revive him, now I need to play doctor and give him some medicine too? Nyame, this game is one big hoop jumping fest. BACK TO THE DAMN TIME TEMPLE!

91. I hate the Silent Realm. That is all.

92. I did all that… for a canon ball shot at the underside of Skyloft? I couldn’t just call up Groose and have him build another catapult?

93. Surprisingly, this is the first dungeon I enjoyed in this game.

94. SPLAAAAAAAT! Demise is dead! We save Zelda and the day is saved!

95. No it’s not! Ghirahim trolls and kidnaps Zelda again and tries to revive his master in the past!

96. Ghirahim performs a mating ritual around a sleeping Zelda.

97. Ghirahim rips off Colossus.

98. He must be fucking powerful to keep this ritual going and get raped at the same time.

99. Demise must’ve been the love child of Akuma and Blanka.

100. Easiest… final boss… ever. I wasted Rupees buying invincibility potions!

101. Impa is revealed to be the old woman… and she dies instantly.THE END.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

102. All these tools and they didn’t even include the fucking Boomerang!

103. ………….IT’S NOT EVEN THERE!

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