What is a distraction?  That which takes the focus away from something important,  and grafts that focus onto nonsense that has nothing to do with what realky matters. What could be more distracting than a piece of ass?

Videogame controversy is a never-ending cycle of political ass-wankery that spawns the worst in all gaming communities. Ever since Mortal Kombat, it seems that just anybody has a bone to pick with the digital world. Of course these days, violence is no longer a concern as a new generation of parents feel that gore is kid friendly & doesn’t seem bothered by dismemberment. Instead of that, we now look towards what makes the center of our pants tickle with joy.


For those who remember,  back in 2013 or before,  there was controversy over the artwork of a character known as the “Sorceress”. A selectable class in the game Dragon’s Crown. Chris Rock was wrong. Nobody likes a big tittied woman anymore.

Strangely enough, as perverted as I am, I actually despise this character! Believe it or not, Sex appeal actually requires some level of class to pull off. And the piece above is beyond tasteless. Lets examine. We have this wannabe Jessica Rabbit in what could be an implausible stance to pose in with a skeleton’s head mashed into her tats. But that’s not what bothers me. Peep the position of her staff. Not only is it probing her ass, but look at the bottom of the staff in relation to the skeleton and guess what you see. If you thought “woody” or “boner”, congrats!

When did this go from sex appeal to pornographic imagery

And frankly, that’s all her character amounts to. The characters aren’t really characters per say, they’re more like empty shells that you just play with. S-… so when you get to the Sorceress and find that all of her animations  accentuate her tits exclusively, you really cant help but be turned off. Its so in your face, you become a prude within seconds! There’s no subtlety or anything left to the imagination.

Then again, I felt that the controversy itself was a petty distraction from the game. I did wonder why every time I searched for any information regarding this title, I’m always finding more people talking about the sex controversy than the actual game, probably because the game itself was unremarkable. And it shows

Look, I gotta be real with y’all,  Dragon’s Crown is not a good game. Far from it. I cant tell whether this game epitomizes everything that’s wrong with Japanese game design, because there are so many examples to choose from.

But let’s start off with the first sign that alerts you to how full of itself the game is. Back of the box lists the creator of the game before anything else. Who the fuck is George Kamitami and when did he become famous enough that his name could be used as a selling point? 

Secondly, an homage to classic fantasy gaming? Slutty witch included? Classic fantasy gaming is such a broad phrase that it could literally mean the Y’s series for all we know. Actually,  if that is the case, why are the characters so grotesquely drawn?

Onto the game itself, you start off by choosing 1 of 6 playable classes. .. sorry, I meant to say 3. You have 3 interchangeable fighters, 2 interchangeable mages, and 1 archer. 3 classes. Yeah you might have a fighter who is based around offense,  1 around defense, a mage about offense and vice versa, but at their core, they’re the same goddamn characters. And their classes mean very little in the grand scheme of things. Why? Its cause the game is a beat em up

Beat em ups! This… holy fuck of a developer decided to use beat em ups as a basis… for an RPG!? Ol’ George was determined to fuck this game before he pressed the damn discs! Beat em ups died earlier than most arcade centric genres due to how quickly they bore you after the 3rd level. Turns out, people hate being stuck on a static screen until they kill off several waves of enemies that increase in number and difficulty. Its the kind of repetition that plagues every modern action game ever since Devil May Cry was made. Because they were so basic, they lacked any emergent gameplay. Every level was routine. And thus people (even developers) have no interest in the genre. And then there is the RPG,  king of repetitive genres! Games that devolve into petty grind fests once you get over the first dungeon.

Yah stack repetition on top of repetition and expect your fans not to get bored? 

Any who, you begin your adventure going to… an adventure guild (what a shitty name for a guild) so that you can get permission to use a city exit. Yep, I already hate this game

Also, The story is entirely narrated, removing what little immersion the game might’ve had. No,  I don’t care if George wanted to mimic a story book or w/e, narration takes you out of the story. Instead of allowing the players to interpret the events for themselves,  the game is dictated for you removing all wonder and imagination. Its primary function is to tell you what you have to do next in the game,  but good lord is it irritating. How the hell do you expect anyone to be engaged in the story with such ass presentation? 

So for the most part it plays decently enough. The controls are good even though the layout isn’t. Accessing your inventory in a dungeon is awkward,  however. Depending on your setup,  you use either the D-Pad or the left Control Stick to get into your bag… meaning you have to stop moving before using items. Its always off-putting to have to take your thumb off of your primary movement input just to do some other action. 

Well, after you complete the first dungeon,  you will get some items. Unfortunately,  all of them are unidentified. You will have to pay from 500 to more than 1000 gold to appraise them and use them, alerting you to just how bullshit this game is going to be. You have to spend money to fucking use anything you find in dungeons.

Is that even close to sensible! ? I dont think a real warrior is going to give 2 shits about the identity of a weapon so long as it works.

Anywho, you start gaining access to more areas in the city. The temple and Morgan’s shop. The temple allows you to resurrect any bone piles you may find in the dungeons. The resurrectees can then join you in dungeons nullifying the need for actual multiplayer. Unfortunately,  they turn out to be more of a liability rather than a boon. Certainly, the more characters you have in your journey,  the easier dungeons will be. But if the last million games didn’t clue you in, the AI of your peers are terrible. They rarely dodge attacks and end up dying more often than not. And if they do die, you have to pay a pretty steep fee to bring them back midfight. And if you dont bring them back, they’re gone for good. Its really not in your best interest to bring any allies (hell some of the quests in this game mandates you fly solo). But if you’re playing the Elf or the 2 mages, you’re pretty fucked.

By now or the next dungeon, you may find that 1 or more of your gear is broken. Yes, this game has WEAPON DURABILITY! !! The bane of any RPG that implements this cock-smashingly retarded “feature” instantly becomes a lesson of tedium. This is what Morgan’s shop is for, but it simply becomes an excuse to shove more sex in your face. 

Amazon is way too thick to be a white woman

Obviously, equipment repair isnt free, but it is significantly cheaper than appraising new items. Either way, you’ll find yourself paying out the ass for equipment alone. Or reviving yourself if you die which, seeing how cheap the levels get, will happen quite a bit more than you could imagine. Worse yet, the more you die, the more money you have to pay, so the need to stay in the fray is simply another expense. 

As it is a beat em up, the combat starts to get boring after a while, and the mere aspect of dungeon crawling becomes routine. By now, the boredom has crept in, and you find yourself disinterested in continuing the game. The action is pretty slow paced and enemies just seem to stand around waiting for their “gorgeous” attack animations to buffer. The enemy AI is so weak, its a wonder my allies die often considering they’re programmed to attack ferociously. To put it into perspective, say you have a full party AIs. The majority of a fight will look similar to Marvel vs Capcom 3. The fighting devolves into silly particle based maelstroms that the action feels bloated and cluttered.  It becomes an exercise in trying to focus in on just 1 piece of the action.  Half the time, your comrades will often get in your way, steal your kills, and cause more distractions than need be. It doesnt help that in certain dungeons, you have hazards to look out for (like fire) that the fighting blinds you to your surroundings. The main element of gameplay becomes a distraction. And when you get to the major bullshit after lost woods, it gets old fast. 

There’s also the issue of needing to perfectly lining up your character with the enemy for most of your attacks to connect. And I mean it! If your ass is just 1cm from being perfectly aligned with these enemies, you’ll be shooting at the air. You’d think this would be simple, but because everyone looks so wafer thin,  combined with how cluttered these shitty fights can be, and of course the issues of depth perception are rampant,  it gets really hard to line up your characters. Dwarf and Elf players will run into this problem constantly. 

Hell, Some of the bosses are tedious to fight thanks to this nonsense. In particular, the Chimera takes up the entire background in one dungeon, but it always seems like the 3 heads are in different dimensions from each other. Like the lion head is further out from the the goat and snake heads even though they look like they’re on the exact same plane! Its damned disorienting when you try to attack 2 heads at once but find you cant even touch 1 of them. Or… maybe some bosses just have poor hit detection. Fighting this illusionary dragon as the Amazon, pressed up against his face and sometimes my attacks dont even connect. After all, this game does have some technical issues, like lag or even the Elf’s arrows having delayed shots for no reason. Im not even sure how a 2D PS3 game can have lag offline but eh..

After a while, you get access to Lucain’s tower where you can start utilizing runes. These rocks allow you to active certain markings on dungeon walls to get powerups or secrets. Not that it matters because the powerups are shit, and you need the correct runestones to activate the marks. The first one you get is free. The others cost over 40K total HOLY SHIT!!!

Ok George. Was it your intent to drive the players toward wanting to be rich? Because fuck. You succeeded!  The only real method of getting over money issues is to make several characters and shred some cheese off them. The only good thing this shit piece has going for it is that inventory and gold is shared amongst characters. But then you’re simply making characters just to make money, you might as well call them hoes.

Actually. … 

Granted, you dont need runestones to progress, but they are needed for a number of quests. Doing quests is pretty beneficial to your development as you get twice as much money, experience,  and extra skill points! And considering how leveling gets slower the higher you climb, and that unlocking higher tiered skills gets pricey,  doing quests becomes an absolute necessity. 

So… no problem,  right? Cuts out all the grinding issues nicely!

WRONG!  Now look at this shit! 

After you beat the 8th dungeon and report to the castle, you find that you can’t use the city gate because the retard guild locked it or something. You go back to the guild and find that the gate is malfunctioning due to some magic abuse I dont know, it sounds like bullshit and you know it is, so  now the gate will send you to a… randomly…  selected… DUNGEON! 

But wait! He recommends horses from the stables that will still allow you to choose what dungeon to go to. The catch being that there is also a fee.

*deep breaths*

You haveto PAY… for an optionyou had for 8… straight… dungeons!?

…….You have… to PAY… for an option..*chuckled*

You have… *maniacal laughter*
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!?

Why the fuck would you revoke an option to travel freely between dungeons, after about half an hour of game time, and charge the player just to do as they please once more!? This game is a goddamn extortion racket

Now think about all those beautiful quests and think about the randomized nonsense you have to put up with and just imagine how tedious this shit really is! And… you’re gonna want to do those quests because something really bullshit happens next.

Now you have to revisit all 9 dungeons and take a “B” route to defeat alternate bosses and gain their talismans. By the time you get to this point,  you should be at least level 15 or so, which is some bullshit when you find that most of these more difficult (read “cheap”) bosses are levels 2730!!! I… FUCK

But I figured, in 1  boss fight, that I amassed so much money by this point that I could spend away on continues until I killed the fuckers. So I’m fighting this bastard arch demon (who can kill you via his own bullshit entrance animation), I died like 5 times, but his health was low! I had a chance! 

But then something even more bullshit happens! A holy ray of light kills the arch demon. Stage complete! But… I don’t get the talisman. I’m like wtf where is my reward!? A friend of mine at work (who owns and recommended the game to me) tells me that the bosses on the b route run on a time limit and that I have to kill the bitches before that limit is up.

So… I have to fight the Arch demon all over again.

I… I pissed away more than 6 grand and got nothing.

Fucker was 10 levels above. ..

So… lemme get this straight. This portion of the game:

  1. Randomizes dungeon selection arbitrarily.
  2. Ransoms that choice out for a price that goes up every time you use the stables. 
  3. Requires a retread of all 9 dungeons for a goddamn fetch quest.
  4. Has bosses that are overleveled
  5. Has bosses that run on a time limit.
  6. And if you dont kill those assholes on time, the stage ends, you dont get the talisman,  and you have to repeat the level.

YOU CANT BE THIS STUPID, GEORGE!  YOU CANT!

How is it that the same asshole that made the brilliant Muramasa game on Wii… could fuck up what would otherwise be an average beat em up!? You’ve created the number 1 reason why this game doesn’t work! You’re now expected to grind through retreads of randomly selected dungeons because you’re not beating any boss aside from medusa at your current level! Thats what you’ll be doing for the next hour of game time! You’re not gonna beat any of these cheap assholes right away! Its still an RPG! Skill means jack shit in RPGs! 

You  know what the best part is? I wouldn’t mind any of that nonsense if it wasn‘t. .. sucha bore!

Fuck the bland classes

Fuck the boring combat

Fuck the DURABILITY

Fuck the lack of content

Fuck the “real is Brown” aesthetics

Fuck the samey looking dungeons

Fuck the money grubbing shops

Fuck the runestones

Fuck the narrator

This… This right here! This.. HOLY MOUNTAIN OF FANTASTIC NONSENSE… is a motivational killswitch! Never in my life since Majora’s Mask have I encountered a Japanese developer so determined to pull all the stops to infuriate his customers! Buyer’s remorse doesn’t come close to describing my utter disgust with this game!

Pure, untainted proof that Sony fans are the biggest pack of hype machine nitwits to ever grace the world. 

Its no wonder the sex is all people could talk about. Sure its all over the place in this untamed shit piece, hell some of the quest rewards are pictures of naked or half-naked women! 

This is unfortunately the only reason to buy this game. Voyeurism. Dragon’s Crown has nothing going for it beyond its desire to use your perversion as a motivational drive. Without it, you have what is essentially a poor man’s Diablo 3.

This game is beyond mediocre. Its desperate attempts at tantalizing you fails to distract you from its deplorable design choices. From the copy-pasted classes to the intense need to spend money, to the insanity of randomizing dungeons (which pad out your quests) while needing to defeat bosses on a time limit. All the while being a boring, uninteresting,  and unfulfilling game overall. To think people paraded on forums preaching about its greatness all the while going to war against Jason Scrier for daring to diss the tits. 

If this was the game that gave rise to the “SJW”, I could see why. The sex in this game is all there is to it. Say what you will about DOA,  that series has entertainment value beyond bewbs! This has nothing! And people want to go on about its “artistic merits”. Fuck this game!

Why does a puppet need boobs?

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