This was originally a request or suggestion by a Spengebab. I dont normally do requests, I honestly had no intention of making a post about it. Its nothing personal, I’ve become something of a lazy bastard after being… out of it for 2 years. But… fuck it. I’ve got nothing better to write about atm, the Nintendo Switch bores me, and I already talked about why Sonic Mania is pissing me off. Plus, I felt like I lied. Im not waiting on any decent Mario game, I’m tired of waiting for Nintendo to get their acts together. I had to wait 1 whole generation to get a new Star Fox game and they fucked it up so badly, there’s no point in waiting. Why, for what? What does Mario offer that I cant find in other franchises? Puzzles and retarded costumes, please. This franchise had all the potential to be something really kickass, but Kirby is edgier than Mario. Its a goddamn shame.

 The last Mario game I  bothered playing was that all-stars collection on Wii. I got Bored of it in less than 2 minutes. I think… I never gave a shit about Mario. Out of all the old games I go back back to play, the Mario games aren’t really a part of them. Probably because NSMBW suffices as a decent replacement. And it has coop, so that’s a plus.

My only real interest in Mario started with Mario 64 for the same reason everyone else was digging it. That fucking 3D. Never before seen (except with Virtua Fighter and Star Fox) and we all lost our shit. Its like “holy shit I’m playing a 3D video game!” I didnt give a fuck that it was a glorified fetch quest, that it was missing the fireball powerups, that it had puzzles, it was 3D, I was a kid, didnt matter. 

I didnt care about the lore, about its universe, anything. I was exposed to real shit before 96. Mario in its entirety was not a content heavy series, it relied entirely on being a competently designed game. Before Donkey Kong, you had publishers trying to screw people over (kinda like now actually) and that’s a big part of Mario’s success. And its kinda symbolic in a way. Mario is the avatar of the working class (he’s a plumber, carpenter, doctor etc who gets to escape from reality and  be a hero, save princesses and whatnot.) and its this avatar who rises up to the shitlord corporations and paves the way to… entertainment or some shit… idk. 

My first video game was in fact SMB1 on the NES,  but I was a toddler so I didnt even know how to hold the damn controller. I didnt even know what I was playing until years later! Then we had SMB2 and then SMB3.  We also had something called Spy vs Spy. I dont remember it to well. But yeah, all we had were Mario games cause that’s all my folks would buy. I was a baby, I couldn’t want anything else. By the time I knew what those games were, my dog bit the cable and broke the NES so I couldn’t play Mario again.

I watched all the cartoons where Mario had a man’s voice and an actual personality. Shit I thought Mario was a bad ass, then years later I see him wearing cloud costumes in Galazy 2, you might as well call it an oversized tutu. And no, I cant stand Charles Matinet’s voice. Mario’s Brooklyn accent and personality appealed to me more. See, Nintendo could’ve rolled with that, but he was based on an Italian so give him that fruity, eccentric, pedophile accent. Nobody gave a fuck that Mario was italian, all anyone knew was that he was a white guy who could jump high. You know Kano from Mortal Kombat? He was supposed to be Japanese,  but everyone loved his Australian portrayal in the movies, Midway rolled with that. I dont even know why I brought that up,  I just hate his voice so much.

My first favorite game was at the arcade, it was Galaga. You couldn’t get me off that damn game. Everyone was playing Pac-Man, my entire family’s a bunch of Pac-Man addicts, Im like “fuck Pac-Man, I wanna play Galaga!” I owe my sci-fi and shmup obsession to Galaga. You’re in a spaceship fighting alien bugs, it was awesome. Tell me, do any of the new Mario’s have a powerup system whereby you sacrifice a life to a tractor beam bug and then you shoot that asshole to get your ship back with twice the fire power?  No? Then I couldn’t give a fuck about new Mario. Galaga was a beast. A suitable risk and reward system all in 1 enemy, what do I need new Mario games for?

Then, I had a Genesis growing up. Sonic, man. I forgot Mario existed. Everybody was a Sonic freak. Streets of Rage, Gunstar, hell even Mickey’s Great Circus Mystery was fun. Those years I embraced coop. It was always more fun if you could tackle a game together with someone else. The experience just felt more organic, if that makes sense. What kind of coop did Mario have? You still had to take turns!? In Mario World!?  What is that shit, that‘s archaic design! You had real coop in the old Mario Bros. game! In Wrecking Crew even!

Back then, I was laughing at Mario games for being outdated. Oh World had Yoshi,  but what else? Donut Plains!? I laughed because now Mario levels were being named after food. Sonic had real shit like Chemical Plant and Metallic Madness. You’ve got Yogurt mountain or some shit! (You can imagine my disgust at Sweet Mountain from Sonic Colors. Its like some dreaded karma or whatnot). Sonic worlds were more vivid and out there, Mario stayed in lollipop wonderland for no reason.

Sonic 3’s opening level was a lush jungle, then all of sudden out of nowhere, it gets carpet bombed and turned into a war-torn hellscape. It was amazing. Sonic 3 stepped its game up in terms of mechanics, powerups and presentation. The sequel to Mario World? A children‘s coloring book!!! A chi-…*sigh*. 

Mario sucked on SNES. The whole World series was shit. Sonic 3K was 20x shorter than World and World 2 but satisfies on so many levels. Its not as good as Sonic 2, but it had appeal! Mario wasn’t selling Super Nintendo, mother fuckers needed Capcom’s help with Street Fighter! You have to sell consoles, Sonic took all your market, and you had to rely on outside help to get your shit back together. We were just laughing at this shit. A “Mario fan” didnt exist in grade school, they were virtually extinct. 

And then Mario 64 happened.

 I saw this shit at a kiosk at a Blockbuster (a place where you could rent movies and games for 3-5 days) and it messed me up. I didn’t know what the fuck it was. It was Mario, Mario was shitty and unappealing, but this game was all weird and interesting. I was what… 8years old? I had never seen shit like this, it was crazy! I didnt understand that cunt of a controller either. Im thinking the D-Pad makes you move, but it did nothing. I had to use that buttplug of a control stick to move. I left Blockbuster thinking non-stop about that game. It didnt help that my Genesis broke a year earlier so I had no games to play. 

I eventually got the n64 that Christmas (It STILL works!!) And I got the Mario game. It was cool for reasons other than the 3D. No one talks about this but Mario had learned kung fu! He could throw punches, kicks, flip off walls, hell Mario could parkour before it became cool! And the powerups were awesome too. Metal Cap theme song is still bitchin! It actually upped the ante on what Mario could do. I didn’t give a shit that 64 was a glorified fetch quest, He was a goddamn acrobat! Its kinda sad in way. People only know 64 as the game that kickstarted the shit show of 3D, but it was more than that. It had a completely different feel and atmosphere from previous Mario games, and the worlds were so much better. Big Boo’s Haunting Lodge is the scariest Mario level ever! That shit gave me goosebumps! The music, the eerie sounds, that shit was so awesome! !

Then we played Mario kart,  I think this was the only Kart I liked. And its all because of Toad‘s Turnpike. Hands down the best damn level in Mario Kart history. Instead of some pussy level set in some magical environment or w/e, we take this shit to the streets! Toad’s Turnpike was a fantastic level. It was unique, had a killer theme song, and it was set in the real world, an actual highway. Easily distinguishable from everything else the game had. Even the battle arenas had shit like a skyscraper,  looked like you were in a city of some sort. 

Its not like these days where Mario Kart levels had to be 100% “Mariotized”. There really isnt anything in those damn courses. Why in Mario Kart Wii is the highway level so underwhelming?  Toad’s Turnpike looked like an actual highway with real cars, this Wii shit was too cartoony for my tastes. You have no unique levels like Toad’s Turnpike, everything is wacky mushroom kingdom shit or DK’s Jungle. And at least Kart 64 had good music, I cant remember a single tune from Kart Wii.

I played Mario Party 1-3, I hated all of them. It felt like Nintendo was just going backwards to everything that sucked about Mario World, the shitty cartoon wacky music and visuals, blah. By now I had played Star Fox 64, I was high on that shit for years. It was Galaga in 3D to me. I had less patience with Mario after Star Fox. I played Mario Tennis, that was pretty fun. Paper Mario ironically brought me back to Mario. For once I actually gave a shit about the lore of this franchise. And that spooky ass forest and that tubba blubba chase, I’ll never forget those moments. For an RPG, it did more to make Mario an interesting series. Idk, Mario felt more… grown up in this era if that makes sense. 

Especially in regards to Paper Mario, the first 2 games the wafer thin graphics was merely an aesthetic choice, it wasn’t the main point of the fucking game. Now you got dumb shit like Sticker Star or Color Splash that’s all about the damn aesthetic style and how they can be manipulated with scissors or paint. The aesthetic choice is now the point of this series! What is that shit, who wanted Mario to be about Stickers!? Make a Mario Paint game with that bullshit,  dont shove it into an RPG and force a story around that. It doesnt work. You’re gonna be wondering why I keep bitchin about the Mushroom Kingdom,  its cause these dumbass have nothing better to do than to make a festival centered around fucking stickers! How anyone can dare to say Sonic sucks compared to that retarded shit right there, I will never know. Mushroom Kingdom deserves to get fucked by Bowser. I know some of you are probably thinking “well thats the mushroom kingdom, its a world based around rules that make no sense” thats pretentious nonsense. Its called the Mushroom Kingdom cause the residents are mushroom headed midgets. What does any of that have to do with stickers or paint? 

I played SMB deluxe on the GBC, it was ok but I loved SMB2 the most, and eventually I got that on GBA so there’s that.

But then that horrible.. HORRIBLE Sunshine game happened. I didnt think they would do anything dumber than Luigi’s Mansion. At least that had a decent theme song. You already know why Sunshit was so bad. You had to clean up vandalism? I dont think so. It got rid of everything that made 64 cool. The unique worlds, the good music,  the kung fu moves, all in exchange for a goddamn water gun and resort themed levels. They took out so much awesome content for a mere shadow of 64.

I stopped caring about Mario again after that because there were so many Mario games coming out that looked like wacky cartoon bullshit. Mario Power Tennis ruined the Tennis series for me with those broken power shots. I didnt care about Double Dash or Thousand Year Door, I played Soul Calibur 2 for the first time, Sophitia’s boobs triumphed over w/e redundant sequel they put out. Mario 64 had interesting worlds and enemies at least, Sunshine was some Mariotized shit show with freakish locals and stupid objectives.

I had high hopes for Mario vs Donkey Kong cause hey, we’re getting out of that faggy ass Mushroom Kingdom and we’d be back in Brooklyn, or industrial environment. Sadly it was a puzzle game. The tabloids for this shit read “its been years since Mario fought Donkey Kong UNTIL NOW!!” Who gives a fuck? They fought in Smash Bros Melee. I dont care about a match up like this. Its slow and boring as shit. 

And Mario Galaxy. You know, I dont care about Galaxy 1 bit but I will give it this. Its the last Mario game that tried something… original, I guess. But most Mario fans haven’t seen enough games if they’re praising the story. Fuck the story, Sonic Adventure 2 ended with a noble sacrifice,  that shit left an impression on fans. People talk more about Sonic these days than Mario because at the end of the day, Galaxy’s story isnt worth shit. Mario’s universe isnt worth shit. People want Sonic to  be great again because it has an interesting universe. Mario has nothing

Shit, a guy from my job is a big nintendo fan. All his family could afford was the game boy. So all his life, all he had was Nintendo. Wouldn’t even touch PSP.  Literally sticks by Nintendo because that’s what he knows best. He dont give a fuck about Mario! Never comes up in the convo. Mario 3D land, you’d think he doesnt know it exists!

Everyone tries to convince me that Galaxy is worth a damn, but I dont want it. By the time I got a Wii (2011) I had NSMBW. Before then, I was a Nintard. Not for the same reasons that everyone else was, mind you, but because of Star Fox, F-Zero, Custom Robo, that kind of shit. But NSMBW. Kirby Return to Dreamland? Those games messed me up. I never realized how long its been since I played a coop game like this. Im talking since 1994 its been that damn long! And this was the first Mario game I knew of at the time with real tangible coop! Before we had some retarded shit where you take turns after 1 player dies. Here? They actually learned something!

And you cant really enjoy NSMBW without coop, to be honest. Otherwise, its an empty husk of the original 4 2D Mario Games. I can go back and enjoy the Kirby game and even the Rayman games solo. But you need coop to enjoy NSMBW.  That’s what the game was built for, they redesigned the levels several times to make sure it was multiplayer friendly. Wish I got that attention to detail from DKCR.

The 3D Land/World games are beyond unappealing. Its like the most passive aggressive games Nintendo ever made. You cant expect people to choose those faggot ass cat suits over penguin suits. We didnt care about the frog suits or raccoon suits because they weren’t in your face about it. They were secret powerups! You got some paw print or tail or w/e on the damn title and in the trailers like that is supposed to sell people on a 3D Mario game, this middle-aged man looks like a pedophile in that shit.

Now Mario’s just another franchise from the 80’s that’s become self-indulgent with its own vanity. All of these sequels if you wanna call em those… they’re just empty, shallow “intricate showcases” of the developer’s own ego. Fuck having unique content, lets craft all of the levels like one big puzzle and call it innovative even though we’ve been doing this shit since 96. 

Goddamn, I have no idea what people see in Mario games to the extent that they keep trolling Sonic fans over popularity contests. If you ask me they’re just compensating for Mario’s lack of appeal. See, Nintendo fans are always trying to compensate for the fact that Nintendo games are really terrible bores. Say something negative about 3DS and they immediately jumped on Vita like that was ever a threat. They hated being trolled on by Sony Crusaders back from 2 generations and after some short lived success, they’ve become their own worst enemy. Not one of them could tell me what makes Mario Galaxy 2 better than Galaga or even Sonic Unleashed other than some sales charts but they jump you for dissing the Galaxy series for being retarded. Bee costumes!? No, just… no. Why cant Sonic be like Mario? cause it wasnt made for pussies with no taste. There is nothing cool about powerups that are only used to solve puzzles, or look like shit. You have a Bee costume… in Space. Does that make any fucking sense!? Its stupid as hell! Content that makes sense? Whats that!? Back in 64, you could turn into mother fucking Colossus. Now you have retarded ass cat suits because this franchise is targeting pussies.

What does Mario provide anymore? Nostalgia gimmicks, I dont want that mess. These games are so phoned in now, I can just hear Miyamoto at a meeting saying “I want a check!” Im so sick and tired of the unwarranted praise the Mario series gets. Its only claim to fame was in the 80s and in 96. Otherwise, its just bubblegum happy bullshit gimmick land for all time. Not 1 game since 64 has been worth shit. Then fanboys want to spit some nonsense about the greatness of the Mario RPGs knowing damn well that after Paper Mario, they dont leave any real impression on people, least of all sticker Star. Color Splash!? The name tells you all of its sucktitude right there. 2 Mario RPGs and that shit is dead.

The Mario franchise is a wasteful investment. There’s so many unfulfilling games in this series alone, it became its own shovelware category. Its easy to give up on this franchise when there’s nothing to look forward to. Hell I gave up back in 2002 with cunt ass Sunshine. The actual cartoons were better than this imitation of a cartoon series. Mario with a Brooklyn accent is way more bad ass than Charles’s eccentric ass voice. 

I think people just latch onto Mario for the whole “its different” argument,  and I’d probably buy that. Every goddamn game is an rpg nowadays, I’d be surprised if that wasn’t the case. But then you’re only justifying crackpot games with no lasting value whatsoever. What Mario game since 64 had a world you couldnt forget? What was your Big Boo Haunting Lodge? 64 was a kickass game, all things considered. The worlds weren’t Mariotized bullshit, they were strange and bizarre. Enigmatic is a good word. You could step into the very depths of hell even! You dont get that with new games, its all baby shit now. Cat suits!? Fuck that retarded shit, man. I hate it, I cant stand it. I wanted better levels, not furry cunt ass costumes. 

But gameplay is all that matters!? Fuck these people, what gameplay did Mario offer that was so great and addictive that they decided to stop using puzzles for their 3D games and started infusing NSMB platforming into it? Cause thats all Mario games have been from 96 to 2009. Shitty puzzle games and sports spinoffs with bad AI. Only reason Nintendo fans latched onto that argument is because Nintendo didnt have shit else at the time. Online? They were dissing it until DS dropped with it. As soon as Mario starts running at super speed or fires a gun, it’ll be cool too. Goddamn hypocrites.

The Mario series is a mess of shallow rehashed content. Every game looks like the same childish BS we played years ago on GameCube. Mario has no new worlds. It’s just revisiting the same asinine worlds from the mushroom kingdom or variation of it. This series lacks imagination. It lacks the testicular fortitude to scare the piss out of you. It refuses to engage you on any level other than a child’s naivete. Lets reuse The same assets for 6 more games instead of making brand new worlds that would blow your mind. Mario is a joke. Plain and simple.

Oh and before anyone says “How do you like Kirby for the same reasons you ha-” first off, fuck you if you even had that thought. It’s not the same goddamn thing. Kirby is all cute and cuddly and shit because he’s designed that way. And dont recall any of his hats looking out of place. Everything about Kirby feels appropriate to its franchise. And in just about every Kirby game, he’s always kicking ass. the games, as they continued, would always give him new, improved, or better powers for the primary sake of destroying his enemies, at least until recently with Triple Deluxe where they turned Kirby into a hardware gimmick of a fetch quest. Either way, I expect Kirby to be childish. Thats how he looks. 

And you got Mario in a cat suit. Its stupid. Its so fucking stupid, what for!? You have grown ass men in cat pajamas. Who asked for that!? Did any of you mutha fuckas want Mario to be a retarded Cat Man!? If its one thing I dont expect from Mario AFTER 64, its Japanese eccentricity. Mario is eccentric and gay now. You might as well call him fucking Tingle,  he’s that retarded. I dont know anyone who grew up playing mario saying they want Mario to play dress up for a kid’s school play. I gave up on Mario cause he won‘t grow the fuck up. If he was a wizard or w/e, then ok. But he’s a plumber, a symbol of the working class, the kinds ofb people who WOULD play videogames and you got him wearing cat shit….

Im sick and tired of this blind worship for a franchise this bland and uninspired simply because it kicked ass in the 80s. Its stuck in the past reusing the same wonderland shit since SMB1. Why cant we get worlds that resemble the original Mario Bros. or Wrecking Crew even? 64 looked less like the Mushroom Kingdom and more like its own universe. But no, we have to do Nostalgia pandering with shitty aesthetics and music that appeal to no one.

There are a lot movies where a main character hates his or her life, who is suddenly whisked away into a fantasy world where they feel more appreciated and happy, but eventually they realized that they cant stay in this world,  they have to back and face reality, grow up and all that jazz. There’s a metaphor for that in this series.Like Mario chose the wrong option and stayed in Wonderland. Wasnt there a Mario anime like this? I could’ve sworn there was, with Mario playing his game and that shit came to life, it was a helluva lot better than what we get now.

I also hate how Nintendo forced 3rd parties to inject Mario symbolism into their games. It was disgusting and humiliating. How would you feel if you’re trying to broaden your market and this shit lord of a company tells you “no, unless you dress Heihachi up like Mario to promote us as a company”. How do retarded Mario costumes make Tekken a better game!? Fuck this company, its just as bad if not worse than that seal of quality back in the day.

At least Sonic comes up in a conversation. No one is talking about Mario. Period.