(random thoughts: 

SS IMPA IS BLEACHED!!!!

Over the course of this past week, I got stuck baby sitting this kid who shall be referred to as “Runt”. Why? Because he thinks it’s cool for some reason. Hey, he’s 6, sue him. To my amazement, he’s so damn well behaved. Either that or taking him to see Godzilla scared the piss out of him.

Anywho, his mother had bought him a game for his DSlite. Unfortunately, the game isn’t for the original DS.

Runt just wanted a Sonic game, and this was the only one she could find in stores atm the moment. And even more unfortunate, since I bought I a 2DS….. yeah. He wouldn’t shut up about “Lemme play on your game! Lemme play, lemme play!”. I just bought this thing and now I fear it will get broken. And then he got the nerve to be talkin shit. “Haha, your game doesn’t close!”. You tell him it’s to save money, “why are you so cheap?”.

*sigh* So I let him play. He gets stuck on Zone 3 of Wind Valley cause the purple fuck kept throwing balls at him, and he can’t dodge worth shit. So now I gotta play this mug. You have to deal with this bitch 3 times in one stage. It’s not difficult, but it is repetitive.

I can tell you that the game controls like piss. The moves that Sonic performs are far too confusing. Like his “lolparkour” shit where half the time it’s automatic, and you have no real control over it.

I really hate how you need to hold down those painful shoulders just to run at a decent speed, but at least you just press Y to spindash, but Dimps managed to fuck that up too. You have to charge the spindash to max to get high speed and not stop midway after about 7 feet. The fuck kind of shit is that!?

And the “charged homing attack” makes no sense either. You have to hold back from attacking anything until you get a full, yellow circle around the enemies in order to do more than just tickle the bitches into submission. That also includes targeting multiple enemies in one setting where it feels like Sonic does this autonomously.

It feels like the game was taking control away from me with how automatic everything is. Think Metroid Other M’s “dodge” function where pressing anything makes Samus dodge moves.

But after that, I managed to get enough rings to go into the special stages. I figure what the hell. But… ugh, you would not believe the shit you have to put up with in this game. For the special stages, you have to stand up…. and turn around like a retard… just to steer Sonic in the game! I tried to give it to Runt, but he said “it looks hard”. I forced his ass to get it away from me after a while, my shoulders were in PAIN! He was so confused by it. He couldn’t steer and collect all the blue balls in time, and we missed the Chaos Emerald. The Runt was really frustrated. I could see the “pissed off” in his face! 😀

Honestly, you have to lift the 2DS above your fucking head… just to fly upward! I thought Skyward Sword was obnoxious, but this is both stupid and completely uncomfortable to your arms. I was really sore, I’m like “this game is dangerous!” So, I let him have it, he figures out the little homing attack charge shit and whoops Zazz’s ass in the boss fight. “That was easy” he says. This coming from a kid who had trouble fighting the first boss in Sonic 3.

In the next zone, it’s a desert that’s mostly straight forward, seems like a fun level until he gets to these twisters that’s blocking his path. He quickly passes it back asking for help. So I see like a small opening to the side, but there’s an invisible wall that forces me back into the twister.

We were stuck there for a good 4 minutes until I found that…. wisp or something. It lets me suck shit in. So I find it, and he’s all like “COOL!”. what a joy. The only thing he likes so far is one wisp. THAT’S what you need to break through the twister.

So I learn right off the back…. that Wisps are actually forced in this game. Colors is starting to look like a million bucks. In those games, Wisps were practically optional despite it’s few levels that everyone seems intent on reminding you about. But in this game? You NEED to use Wisps. You have NO CHOICE.

So after getting past the twister, he snatches the damn thing out of my hand… and dies 😀 . Lots of bottomless pits, and he lost the wisp. After a while of running around, we come to some worms that have to be killed in the most esoteric way imaginable. Of course, he gives it back and… shit, I don’t know how to kill him either! Just then, we learn about the little “Sonic Boom” or whatever, you jump and then press your attack button in the air. It just dazes him and he exposes his weak point… and you repeat this process until he’s dead. “Why do you have to do all that?” he says.

So after getting past the level, we get to the next and…. switch puzzles. Great. For a Sonic game, it sure is intent on slowing you down deliberately. It seemed, at this point, that Sega was confused at the complaints the games got, like “Oh, Sonic isn’t about Speed!” so they put so much WORK in this game that you have no choice but to take everything slow. Sega doesn’t seem to understand. Sonic games allowed you to move at your own pace. People complaining about how the recent games were “all about speed” doesn’t = put so many roadblocks in my path that I HAVE to slow down anyway. This game was starting to get repetitive as the entire level is filled with switch puzzles where you have to trick these living balls into running into switches. Runt didn’t even want to play the level.

I had to play the rest of the world, act 3 was some sort of Sand maze where you have to find a million switches. Yes, Lost Mind LOVES switches! And Fat fuck was piss easy.

So, onward to Zone 3. Damn this is a Mario level.  Even Runt thought it looked like Mario. So, Act 1 he played through, died a million times due to the stupidity of how the game seems to warp it’s own gravity (it’s too easy to get lost in water stages, but if you use the drill wisp and stop, the world might spin around, disorientating you. This shows how poor the level design is. The game expects you to run through it normally so it will rotate itself, but if you have drill wisp, it doesn’t rotate, the camera remains stationary. This is the most disorientating level in Sonic history).

After that, we get to the most embarrassing level in Sonic History. Where Sonic has to make Apple Juice to progress. This level shows how repetitive this game is as you must repeat the same bullshit a good 4 times in a row. Top picture shows that you need to roll apples into ditches for…some reason, and bottom shows you need to grind apples to raise water…. “Apple Juice” high enough to reach a warp gate. By this point, Runt thinks the game is stupid. “Why do you have to make pee? Can’t we just use the flying power?” Hehe, “pee“.

So the next level is one where I gave up on. This level depends on your proficiency of using the Dill Wisp. Fuck this level. Fuck it in the Ass. I have died 13 times on this one level. It is beyond stupid. Firstly, controlling the Drill Wisp in 3D is a pain in the ass, it’s very sensitive, moving up and down is a nightmare, and if you bump into any walls, forget it. You will fucking die. Runt was beyond pissed off with this level. “I WANNA USE THE FLYING POWER!”

He started asking the one question you NEVER want your audiences to ask. “Why do I have to do this!?”

We took a break after this piece of shit. After a while, we went back to it because for some reason he wants to see more of the game. After more blood, sweat, and tears, we FINALLY got passed it, and went on to fight Zik.

This fight was pretty tedious, but what tickled me was when Runt was going on about “Why does the old guy use fruit? I thought he was a ninja!” That he got from the low quality cutscenes they managed to shove into the handheld version. Blurrier than a youtube video.

So after the most HELLISH world, we get to Frozen Factory. Now Act 1 Runt actually liked. It was straight forward, mildly challenging… oh who am I kidding, he just liked the lightening wisp.

“WOW!!!” He’s all excited and shit, and doesn’t even know how to use it.

Act 2 was no different. Runt literally says “the game FINALLY fun!” Where is your “is” boy?

And then Act 3 kills his enthusiasm. Once again, we’re dealing with switches and a snowball that follows you around. This level was tedious to the core, but not at all as bad as Tropical Coast. Runt kept trying to do homing attacks, but he kept getting frozen. He’s all pissed off now “HOW DO YOU KILL THIS MONSTER!?” I’m tellin him “you remember the Sonic Boom? Jump in the air, press Y?”

Well, it didn’t kill him, kinda dazed him, then he jumps at him again and he becomes a stump? Anywho, he can’t die and while Runt tries to push Snowballs, the Snowman keeps coming back and crushes the snowballs he was pushing. At this point, he’s furious, cause the snowman kept destroying the balls and freezing him. “STOP DOING THAT!” After a while, he sound like he’s about to cry, so I yank the damn thing away from him before he starts breakin shit. It’s kinda scary, you got this well manner child about to go into a piss fit over this game. “I paid good money for this, you ain’t about to tear it up”. “No you didn’t, you’re cheap!”.

He a smart ass little boy… how does he even know what “cheap” is?

So he fights Zeena after I dealt with the Snowman (that is one tedious fuckin level). And he has no clue of how to hit her. It’s not really easy to describe, but for the most part, you need to use “Thunder Wisp” to even damage her. Great. Forced wisps in boss fights. So after what seemed like an eternity, he beats her and we move on.

The first damn Zone in Silent Forest… forced wisps. You get some boulder thing where you have to tilt the whole DS just to steer. He quickly gave this one to me. “Oh, make me do all the boring stages”. “Yep!”. *sigh* anywho, this level is so boring. “How do you know where you’re going?” That was a good question… cause I didn’t! Everything you did here took place on globes of some sort, so your surroundings were more or less obscured. But after a good 10 minutes, I give it back to him and he goes through the only Act with some damn good music.

No matter what Sonic game it is, there is bound to be at least one good song you’ll like. Runt was jammin to this shit.

The next Act, he handed over to me as he kept dying and getting lost. I breeze it, taunting him as I do so. Honestly, compared to the previous levels, this thing was cake.

Now… this boss fight… through out the whole game, we’ve been avoiding special stages for the sake of our arms… but this shit here? See, now you have to use the Gyro functions again. The game makes you “search” for Zor’s real owl machine. The same shit you did in special stages, you do here, find the right one and smash him. Runt could not discern anything because “they all look the same to me!”. I ended up having to do it. From this boss fight alone, it felt like Eiji Aonuma had input. And that wasn’t a good sign.

Onward to Sky Road. What was strange about this level was that it looked like the Casino portion of Frozen Factory… but it’s in Sky Road instead. Ah well. First 2 Acts were all Runt’s. He loved the return of the “Flying power”, but got lost. He didn’t know where to go or what to jump onto while using the “flying power”. Eventually, he gets passed it, but he no longer liked the flying power afterward.

I think it was more so what he was doing since now, you had to use it and jump to platforms that aren’t readily visible. But the biggest insult was how freaking short this level is. I mean… I ain’t complaining, the levels in this game can take as long as 19 minutes tops, but really? Dimps just got lazy on this part.

Act 3 (as you see in the shots above) is the real problem. Right at the beginning, you have to use the Gyro function to steer rockets. Nevermind that needing to rotate the screen messes up your ability to readily see what’s going on, especially later on when the game demands you make sharp turns and then Sonic unexpectidly jumps off the rockets. Runt was beyond the threshold of pisstivity. “STOP JUMPING OFF!” Took it off his hands, got pissed myself, tried to give it back, he says “No! You do it!” Ugh… I died more than him on this fucking level! First the rockets, and then these sections where you have to make some of the trickiest wall jumps ever. Because Parkour is so badly implemented and has terrible controls, this whole became a nightmare as you have to master wall Parkour’s JUST to progress. This level is bullshit wrapped in Bacon Fat.

It ain’t nothing compared to this boss fight, though. I might as well be playing Mega Man X2! I couldn’t beat this son of a bitch if I tried. Runt takes it and kicks his ass. O_O

“Hurray for me!” “Yeah w/e” “You just suck!”. Shouldn’t be using that language at yo age anyway, ya lucky bastid.

Took a break after this point.

Zone 7 is nothing more than a boss rush. Each act has 2 retread bosses each, supposedly harder than ever before. I couldn’t tell, they were just longer. Funny enough, when it came to Zavok, Runt was getting rammed while I took over and kicked his ass.

“You were sayin, little man?” “Leave me alone”

So we get to the final boss, Runt rapes Robotnik like nobodies business, and the game is finished.

This game took us exactly 1 day to finish. Despite how tedious it was, it’s over with after a good 2 hours or so. “That’s it?!” Runt says with a shocked expression.

I asked him what he thought of it.

“Um… I don’t really like it. I like the Thunder Power and the skate boarding level-”

“Snowboard level”

“No, the Skateboard level in the snow”

*sigh*

“But it’s kinda dumb. The magic fruit man, you make pee to-”

“It’s Apple Juice! They’re friggin apples!”

“Can we play that other Sonic?”

“What “other” Sonic?!”

“The one where you go “VOOOM””

*sigh* That doesn’t even make sense, they ALL go “VOOOM”.

Overall, I think the verdict is clear. Lost Mind alienates children. At least the handheld version does. I mean… goddamn, I think this game is easily worse than Black Knight. No, worse than Advance 3. No Sonic game should be loaded with puzzles, period. But combined with all the other shit the game puts you through, pushing snowballs while snowmen come and crush you… it’s a mess. Naw, it’s a tragedy. This is one game that makes you really ponder what in the fresh hell Sega and Nintendo were thinking. This is the Skyward Sword of Sonic games. It has some of the most wretchedly obnoxious “challenges” out there, the difficulty is not balanced (the later levels happen to be easier than the early ones for no reason) and the random spikes in difficulty make no sense either. Sure, make a challenging game, but don’t bullshit the kids either. You should’ve seen the look on Runt’s face when he was trying to push those snowballs.

I couldn’t see how this game would be a fun experience for anyone that doesn’t crave italian sausage. And that fucking water level with the drill wisp. I wonder how many people will go on record to proclaim the superiority of the Pii U version.

“Thanks for letting me play on your game!”

“Naw, you need to thank yo mama for savin that receipt! You need to take this torturous little chip back to the store!”

And for the record, he thinks Sonic Colors is for girls.