Robotnik NEEDS to be taken seriously!

Not to put you on the spot, but when you make a (loaded) statement like this, you automatically validate this:

You know why? Because when it comes to the subject of Sonic, people tend to stray far from analytical thinking. Pokemon fans do more in depth thinking than Sonic fans, and that is a shame because it took Pokemon fans decades to realize they were buying repetitive shit, and that content actually matters. So by this declaration alone, a fan would go “this is automatically ok because tradition says so“.

Ask yourself if Robotnik (in his current state) appealing? Is he “likable”? Do you enjoy him as a “comical villain”? And to what extent has he always been “comical“?

Robotnik wasn’t portrayed as “comical” in the classic series. All he had were panicky looks on his face, which should be natural considering he got his ass kicked. He didn’t have any ultra silly mannerisms or behavioral patterns shown in any of the games that would give anyone the idea that he was a comical villain.

No, him (always) being “comical” is because the first time Robotnik had a personality was in that retarded “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog“. And for some bizarre reason, that show gets more props than the one that had some weight to it (all because bitches care about Sonic fucking Amy than Sally, but that’s aside the point). But hey, that was his first personality, so that takes priority, right? Well, the Ninja Turtles WEREN’T always comical, and look what people prefer them to be.

Robotnik, for most of his early career, was a truly evil villain. The most memorable of him taking over the world, disposing of a king or Queen, and often being accompanied by a dark and sinister voice. The writers of SatAM did their level best to convince us that he was a threat worth taking seriously. Otherwise, believing that he could bring an entire world to it’s knees would be a daunting task. Sure, he’s had comical moments, but that wasn’t his entire character. He was, more or less, dumbed down in Sonic Underground, but comedy wasn’t his entire character. That’s a distinction that needs to be made.

But the Adventure games did away with practically all of the comical bits and gave us a villain that was no laughing matter. There was nothing funny about this Robotnik. Well, unless you count his tantrum in SA2 and confusing desire to use the name “Eggman” after being annoyed by the label in the game prior, but that’s aside the point. To drive home how much they wanted Robotnik to be taken seriously, he attempts to MURDER Sonic the Hedgehog. Exploiting his heart, he lures him into a trap and planned to blow to pieces in the vacuum of space. From beginning to end, we see a guy who was so determined to succeed in his plans that he was willing to go the distance to murder the one adversary who has always stopped him.

Does that sound like a comical villain?

Robotnik didn’t start becoming this hard on comical fucktard until Sonic Advance 1. We see a guy with an exagerrated smile, and eyes popping out of his goggles everytime you struck his machine in an ultra silly cartoony fashion. Then comes Heroes where his only real defining moment was being stung to death by Charmy… in a comical fashion. Robotnik in Sonic X proclaiming that “hurting people is wrong” (aside the point, but that just shows me that Sonic X is bullshit), Robotnik now having the voice and personality of an eccentric douchebag, and it all just went downhill from there. Robotnik….. was…. neutered.

“Well in the OVA, Robotnik was comical” and no one cared about the OVA. Hardly anyone cared about Japan’s interpretation of the characters until Sonic X. And why should we? They have the characters written a certain way, and just a couple of years later, they have this drastic change in personality!? It’s like Yuan Shao from Dynasty Warriors being turned into a punchline. It makes absolutely no sense unless you go on the notion that Japan doesn’t know what they want to do with the series, which, if you’ve been crazy enough to read my shit for all these years, makes perfect sense because they don’t give a shit. They have nowhere to take these characters because they ran off all the people that cared about them. We should be vouching for the persona given to Robotnik by the people that gave a damn. And funny enough, those seem to be ones that treated him like an actual threat!

“Well, what’s wrong with a comical villain!?“. They have no depth. Thus there is no reason to be invested in them. You never get the sense that they are a threat, thus you feel no sense of urgency. You feel no need to root for the hero to stop them as they are cannon fodder. Now before any jackass barges in demanding an answer for “why this is a bad thing” as Sonic fans are just prone to bitching and whining about people with grievances against everything wrong with the series, lets look at why say… Team Rocket works as comical villains, and NOT Robotnik.

One, Team Rocket is not the motivator for the plot. They have no input or any real effect on the plot. The central plot of the Pokemon cartoon centers around Ash and his quest to be a Pokemon Master, and that’s via traveling the world, training his own team of Pokemon, and taking on the Pokemon Leagues of several different regions. Thus, Team Rocket’s input is inconsequential. What little contributions they do have are immemorial. We do not expect anything from them. But… Robotnik is the central motivator for every game in the Sonic series. His input actually has weight to it. He is the reason for a lot of the events that take place in the games and other media. Now if you think “ok, he’s a comical villain” but he’s also the main guy who just starts these end of the world scenarios just so he can build…. a goddamn theme park (literally all he’s been doing , then…. what the fuck kind of opinions should people have about him? That he’s more of an irresponsible nuisance who has annoying personality to boot. Lets just take a gander at some of the shit he’s done. He’s enslaved animals and forced to become living, breathing batteries for warmachines, he builds a giant space fortress for the specific purpose of conquest, deceives and tries to kill a guy for trying to protect what is rightfully his, awakens 3 different Gods of destruction for the purpose of conquering the world, commits an act of terrorism by threatening to blow up the earth, and demanding a ransom from the President himself, literally blows up the Earth anyway, enslaves an alien race to harvest their life force, tortures 6 retards into working for him, etc etc. When I see the perpetrator of these events acting like an eccentric manchild who’s too busy arguing with his cohorts, I see the severity of his actions being diminished in urgency because….. he seems….. so……. easy. You’re not convinced that he’s a hard target. And considering how the last 2 games went with him losing control of the Zeti so easily just by being so careless with the conk, and being beaten by a severely underpowered version of Sonic when his weapons are far more advanced than they ever were, you will be left wondering why he isn’t dead yet. Shit, the endings in Shth where Shadow kills Robotnik are the most probable scenarios in the whole damn game. He fights with a fucking SLOT MACHINE! How do you NOT want to kill him for insulting your skills?

Now lets look at a comical villain that DOES work. Handsome Jack from the Borderlands Series. He’s extremely popular! He’s a guy who constantly says obnoxious shit over a radio that is either hit or miss depending on the writing, but often commits some of the most heinous acts by any known to man. Similar to Robotnik! The difference is that Handsome Jack is actually a complex character. There is something interesting about him beyond quips. He has a backstory that gives credence to his horrific acts of terror, and even has a shift in personality when his daughter is killed. On the other hand, Robotnik is an empty trope. One note to the core. There is absolutely nothing to be invested in. He is merely an excuse plot. Why? Because he is written to be as silly as possible. You see, even with a “comical villain“, you can generate interest by giving them serious shit to work with. Robotnik isn’t given the same treatment, so there is nothing to stimulate interest in him. Worst yet, he isn’t even funny.

You know, if Robotnik was portrayed like this fool 100% of the time, there would be no issue. But since we’ve had serious portrayals of the character, even from the Japanese, then we have a disconnect. And…. this might just be me… but after Sonic Adventure 2 where Robotnik’s plot was (supposed to be) far more personal to him, and where he had the most depth out of all his in-game appearances, I would expect more from his future plots. I would expect him to be treated with a little more dignity. A little more respect. But… because SOJ had other ideas, any real potential this guy had for growth was snuffed away to make a clown that isn’t funny, isn’t appealing, and is more irritating than he is endearing. Lets be clear. Sonic fans don’t give one goddamn shit about Robotnik, and this comical shtick is why. He has no popularity. Hell, even the doorknobs of the fandom HATE him.

You get the equivalent of the MCU, except you just get repeats of the same exact villain. There is no value in him, and the only people who think this is ok are the retards who came in via Sonic X.

I am… sick…. of the Sonic series being a mindless comedy series, and I do mean mindless as there is no creativity in the humor that would require more than a single brain cell. And Robotnik is at the center of it all. The way he comes off is… it’s like it’s in your face. Written as though his eccentric “comical” status is popular just because, there’s a certain kind of arrogance to his portrayal. That probably has more to do with his voice actor considering how he’s often used to promote Sonic crap while the character himself continues to diminish in quality. But… no, I’m not going to accept this notion of “always being a comical villain” because that by itself is a validation of his diminished quality. Shredder was a comical villain in the old cartoons, but damn if you can find one soul who would accept his whiny ass today.

It seems like the people who give Robotnik’s portrayal today a pass are those that were brainwashed by Sonic X growing up. That show, more than Nintendo fans, fucked up the perception of the series. You got these anime fans running around trying to force the series to be as cute as possible, and they’re too chicken shit to accept anything higher than Hamtaro levels of content…. I’m rambling again. The real reason would have to be Sega trying their damndest to force the series to be as retarded as possible so that no one can logically take the franchise seriously, thus lowering expectations and increasing ratings… which has failed time and again. But there is no cure for stupidity so they just… keep…. doing this. They just keep bashing you over the head with the same old “WHY SO SERIOUS” shtick because they know their loyalists are sheep who will literally go along with anything they do regardless of detriment.

Talk about your false equivalences (Valfaris)

So… funny story. After posting what Im sure is leaving many foaming at the mouth in fury, I beat the final boss. Some King Ghidorah knockoff. After blowing off 2 of it’s heads, the bastard decides to go anti-gravity, and you basically lose all control of your character outside of attacking. So… now it’s just a matter of shooting him until he dies. Now… if you had some bullshit weapon like the wolf spray, you would be fucked. Or hey, maybe you thought you could do fine without upgrading your heavies! But I wanted to use the Blood Axe because of it’s speed!

I’m convinced that this game is more about having the right loadout rather than the skill set. Most people I’ve read usually ran a loadout of Vroll’s Sidearm (machine gun), Theorian’s sword (starter weapon), and the Envoy of Destruction (homing launcher), the latter 2 sometimes being swapped around with the Jelly Whip for range/Barthyrom Sword for damage, and the Bringer of Mayhem (Homing Laser). Kind of a similar issue that Axiom Verge had, you have all these weapons, and only a fraction of them are worth a damn. And with this crappy upgrade system, I found myself having to restart the game to allocate those Blood Metals to better weapons.

Reviewers have, for some strange reason, compared this game to the likes of Contra and Turrican, and I wish to know why. In those games, the challenge is not geared toward micromanaging your weapon upgrades. The comparison is vague in the sense that “you run and gun“, never really getting into how it works, and never analyzing the differences between the games. No review will get into that part.

Yah see… Contra and Turrican’s weapons operate as “powerups“. Not “equipment“. A “powerup” is a temporary advantage that isn’t required for success. It certainly helps with that success. In Turrican, these powerups are upgraded via accumulation. Get the same powerup, they get stronger, bigger, spreads. The “fun” is basically phasing out all other powerups for the one you specifically want. Same deal with Contra without the accumulative powerups. Valfaris’s weapons operate as “equipment“, permanent additions to your arsenal.

“I’m not retarded, you conceited fuck!” Yeah, I know you’re not retarded, i’m getting to the point. The dynamic is different. You don’t have to think about what gear you’re rocking, and ponder whether or not you have enough materials, upgrades, and tokens to take out the enemies and obstacles without too much headache. “But then it only means you can use certain weapons to challenge yourself!” Yeah, get back to me when people actually start thinking like this en masse. People will always gravitate to what works the best. I restarted several times just to find the best loadout for me and… Jeebus, it’s impossible to ignore Vroll’s sidearm as a main weapon, fire sword you get way the fuck at the end, and the homing laser so you don’t have to work as hard to aim, or the flamethrower because it destroys projectiles which shits all over the shield, and neither drains your energy as much as say the Envoy of Destruction, an overrated weapon if you ask me.

But that’s what makes the game lousy. Now you focus on inventory management and prep time, it’s no longer fun. It becomes a mad dash to find as many metals and tokens, and then spending them all wisely that makes the game easier. A fetch quest, if you will. It’s not about using what you want to win. You can’t compare this to Contra. At all. See, you can compare Contra to Metal Slug because they’re exactly the same. They’re both run and gun games in the sense that you actually have the ability to dodge projectiles, all forms of weaponry works, and damage is fixed. Not to mention…. you don’t have fetch quests, backtracking, the need to destroy switches to move on (Well…. not in the same sense as having to sprawl an area to find them.).

I don’t know what old games Valfaris could be compared, but on the surface, it looks like Vectorman or Robocop vs Terminator. On the surface. But those comparisons are held back by said upgrade system. Perhaps this game would’ve lived up to those claims had it not been compromised by (as Bucko put it), Modern Day bullshit.

Metal and Error (Valfaris)

Why hello there, my audience of 3. Welcome to another addition of “Buyer’s Remorse!” Or if you prefer “Why you should never look to a trailer to get interested in a game!” Learn from my mistake as I take you into the heart of all that is wrong with Valfaris! I mean that quite literally. That damned sound effect will stick with you as you see your life diminished with no effort at all!

Indy developers are very narrowminded when it comes to designing their games. Often times, if it’s a retro throwback game, they develop the game around a specific element that they might’ve admired in the past. “Platformers” tend to be puzzle games with all the intricacy you can muster, you have plenty of exploration games (sorry, “Metroidvania”), or otherwise, and they can go 2 ways. Either they’re designed with the intent to capture the essence or glory days of old, or they’ll try and use some intricate mechanic to spice things up for a modern audience, and have the game emphasize that one element to unnecessary extremes. Axiom Verge fits in the former category of capturing an essence, while something like Velocity 2x fits into the the latter with a teleporting mechanic.

Valfaris falls into the former. And the essence that Big Sugar was trying to capture was “difficulty“. Unfortunately, not the good kind. Infact, I don’t think they looked to any game in particular for cues on difficulty. Every reviewer will note that Turrican was an inspiration… which puzzles me as those games are nowhere near the level of bullshit this game is. Hell, they’re not bullshit at all! When you have a trophy that says “Get used to it” after you get killed for the first time, that’s a red flag to me. Far be it from me to chastise a game for being hard (well… except Bayonetta, but I digress), but… I’m wary of those who feel proud of making a difficult game as those types tend to take it too damn far.

For instance, I have no qualms about having to navigate passages where you’re swarmed by enemies, I live for that shit (My thought process until I started running into ghost bitches that can teleport, and you’re too distracted by (literal) endless spawns of dog enemies to concentrate. More on that bullshit later). But… lets say the area where you have to ride worms through passages while being bombarded by enemy fire, invisible lasers, and tentacle monsters that you can barely kill because your weapons are blocked by said worm that you have to constantly smack just to go faster? All in one go, might I add. It starts feeling like Geometry Dash. You know, that game where you have to start all the fuck over if you haven’t gotten the SCRIPT down pat? Except here, you don’t really feel as though there is a script to follow, segments like this start feeling like an endurance match. Or Trial and Error. How long you can hold out until the next check point. Primarily because the developer decided to throw so much shit at you at once that everything feels impossible to avoid.

For example, in the tombs area, there’s this fat fuck alien that shoots light beams at you that are damn near impossible to avoid. But if you get close to him, he’ll shoot some short ranged twizzler beams in multiple directions. Now I found an exploit in that if you get right on his belly, he can’t hit you at all, so I can just slash away at him with the sword until he dies. Now of course it’s not that easy as he can teleport across the room, and when he reappears, he lets off an explosion, so you can’t just run to where he spawns and instantly wack him (which lets you know the developer was trying too hard to make the game “hard”), but fine. Just wait until he’s done farting, then run back in and wack him again. You also have to avoid these 2 lamps he spawns after each teleport as they shoot out blue lightning bolts over you. Not exactly the most difficult mid boss, it’s just tedious.

However, it becomes obnoxious when later on, in the same area, you have to fight 2 of those fat fucks at the same time. Now it’s not even a matter of finding a strategy, all you can really do is throw caution to the wind and wing it. Cause you have… all that shit at once, at which point would I be allowed to say that this game is no longer “challenging”, but rather tedious and imbalanced? Cause as soon as you get to the tombs, you can hang it up for whatever patience you had left.

Lets put this in context. You have a shield that you can deploy at any time to block projectiles and melee attacks, so you’d think there’d be no excuse. Except that the shield only protects you from one angle where you have to direct it manually… AND it runs on energy. Energy that also goes into powering your “destructive” weapons which deals the most damage out of your entire arsenal, AND is the same energy you can only refill by using melee attacks. So we have the element of micromanagement. Sure, you have regular weapons that run on nothing but firepower, though ironically outside of the beginning weapon you get, tend to be quite shit. They can be upgraded, sure, but from my experience, the upgrades amount to jack shit because they don’t do nearly enough damage to compensate for the amount of shit thrown your way. The best strategy I have found for the majority of enemies is “Melee, Melee, and oh yeah, Melee” as those attacks do the most damage and they refill your energy. Of course, they’re far more risky as they have poor recovery, so if you miss a swing, it’s your ass.

But here’s my deal. This game is supposed to be like the games of old (an exaggeration of the “old games are super hard” assumption). It literally screams “Sega Genesis” with it’s grainy ass graphics. But I have to upgrade all of my gear? That alone implies that the enemies will get spongier as you progress. Now I have to find “blood metals” to upgrade all of my gear, and being the horder that I am, and knowing that a lot of these weapons are shit, it’s like you have to allocate them properly so you don’t feel like you upgraded a poor weapon, and are thus screwed until you find more metals to compensate for the ones you wasted, and apply them to good weapons. Of course, you won’t know this until it’s too late, and you’ve already wasted metals on a crap weapon before hand. There are no refunds of metals, so again, trial and error. Upgrades go up by increments of 3, so upgrading a single weapon for the first time is no big deal. The second and 3rd upgrades require 6 metals each, and then the final upgrade needs seven metals, and an EXTRA FUCKING MATERIAL! Blood of Valfaris or some shit. So you end up wanting to save everything you have so you don’t feel like you’ve wasted metals. I know late in the game, you get a spider leg that alleged to drain health from enemies that heals you. Man, I was HAPPY AS HELL when I got that damn leg with all the enemies tearing my ass up… only to find that the amount of health drain was negligible to the amount I lost…. EVEN AFTER UPGRADING IT TWICE!! I knew something was wrong when I was camping around for enemy spawns only to find that my health was still too low after 5 minutes. “Well shit“, I said.

SO…. the dog example I pointed out earlier is a frequent problem of the game. Not the dogs themselves, the constantly, rapidly spawning enemies. If this game had the same mindset as Contra (no health, one life, enemies die from 1-3 or so hits, no bullshit upgrade system), this would not be an issue. However, BECAUSE you have an upgrade system WHICH justifies enemies soaking up bullets, you cannot help but remark “they got me fucked up“. You can’t switch out specific weapons on the fly, so if you have a poor weapon on hand, you’re gonna get killed (trial and error), which is asinine because you don’t know what’s coming up next. But again, if you upgraded shit that only tickles enemies (like say the Wolf Spray gun), the spawning enemies become EXTREMELY agitating.

So around the final or so areas, I came across a lake that I have to traverse in order to find a key, then backtrack across the lake. Sounds reasonable, right? Well, not unless you include enemies like constantly spawning worms, and enemies that shoot out fast moving homing wolves. To describe how bullshit this is, these guys have green glowing axes. They can block your attacks. And when they do, they automatically release small wolf heads that travel around for a bit before coming after you. This is important to understand because…. those wolf heads don’t immediately come after you, they fuck off for a good 2 seconds, often traveling off screen… before turning around and homing in on you. So the trick is you won’t pay them any mind as you’ll see that as some sort of special effect. But you get raped by an unknown attack as soon as you leave the area. So naturally, you want to wait for an opening (a small window of attack) to strike. Normally, the best way to deal with enemies that can block is to deflect their attacks. That’s another thing I need to point out. If you time your shield right to an attack, you can actually stun the enemy for a few seconds. That is… honestly not worth half the trouble needed to pull it off in a game that gets chaotic and disorientating. So… you can ignore them, right? No! See, if they attack, they unleash a BIG wolf head that goes after you. And it travels fast. So if you have to jump over platforms and chains to make it to the key, and then get back, you will want to take those guys out. Here’s why this is harder than it needed to be. In the same area, you also have worms that constantly spawn in the water, and will jump out at you. If all your attention is on the enemies with the axes, the worms spawn just enough to be a hindrance in your efforts to remove the axe enemies. And you combine that with the wolf heads that will pop out of them, you will be stressed out just going through the area. After getting through once, you have to fight a boss with sporadically aiming lasers whose trajectory are always random. If you can survive that, you’ll likely be low on health anyway, you get the key, and now you have to go back. If you did NOT destroy the axe enemies, you will have to deal with them AS WELL AS gunmen who spawn in the area. So if you try to ignore the axes, you will be punished with them AND riflemen. Enemy projectiles in general are fast as shit, so dodging skills you might’ve accumulated from years of Contra/Metal Slug/Castlevania/Ninja Gaiden mean jack shit in this game. Your character moves too slowly for any of that to matter. And you STILL have to deal with worms. Actually… fuck, you have to BACKTRACK in this bitch!?

As for the dogs I pointed out, this part is small, but encompasses perfectly what is wrong with the difficulty. There’s these ghost enemies in the game that teleport often. After said teleport, they rush toward you with blinding speed and cut you. They are merely tedious. HOWEVER…. when you have an army of dogs spawning left and right, literally being swarmed, it becomes difficult to try and focus on said ghost bitch because you’re trying to get those damn dogs off of you. So while you’re being mauled by dogs, ghost bitch has a permanent opening to fuck you up. It’s like the game is constantly trying to disorientate you with thousands of enemies on-screen at once, and the real threat is often out of reach. Enemies that require more time to deal with simply because they can block your attacks are often accompanied by smaller grunts who are only there to divert your attention from the real threat. It feels cheap.

This problem doesn’t become apparent until you’ve fought a couple of the game’s bosses. For instance, there’s a bug boss that is so piss easy, you would need to spawn enemies just to make it challenging. And that’s exactly what happens. It’s a boss that’s 2 phases long, but is ridiculously easy. But see, that’s where the enemy spawns come in. Their job is to artificially induce “challenge” via diversion. It wasn’t this fight that it was a real problem, however, that’s just an example of how amateurish the attempt was. It’s that zombie with the rail cannon that ALSO TELEPORTS (Steel Mantis seems to love teleporting enemies, huh?) in the form of a poisonous gas. Touching said gas damages you. But that wasn’t enough! Now they have to spawn bugs from this gas to bombard you while zombie asshole shoots you from afar with that cannon of his. The bosses are not problematic persay, just tedious and cheap. And a large part of that comes from spawning enemies rapidly and perpetually. When you come to that conclusion, it starts feeling like the game runs on luck rather than skill. When you get through a tough section, you don’t feel rewarded or relieved. You’re still too pissed off to care about success.

A couple of reviewers (no-name trustworthy types) have noted that the game feels more luck based than skill based as wel. But damned if you could tell! A lot of reviewers tend to throw around buzz phrases to throw you off. A lot of them like to use the phrase “doesn’t feel unfair” to excuse away such bad design. And why do they say this? Because you get enough checkpoints! HOLY SHIT, that rectifies poor game design! If that damn Spider Leg worked like it was supposed to, that would change everything! But Im supposed to kiss ass because the game is generous with checkpoints? Here’s the thing about that, and I knew something was funny when I got more checkpoints than I needed early on. If… you collect green tokens consecutively without stopping, your Health and Energy bars will increase. So here’s that typical indie bullshit. You are actually punished for using checkpoints often by having less health than you would normally. And the best part? None of that fucking matters because the enemies can drain you with no effort at all! When you’re being bombarded left and right, and you have no real invincibility frames to compensate for it, what does this really mean for you? A lot of deaths you accrue won’t even come from enemies, you still have traps, bottomless pits, and even bosses that can kill you in less than 3 hits. One of which can knock you off a platform when you least expect it. This little detail doesn’t rectify the design flaws, you’re not going to make the player feel at fault for a game designed to be as stressful as possible. But oh, we can’t let a thing like analytical thinking get in the way of fellating these damn indies!

I haven’t even touched on the content because the gameplay is that much of a deterrent. Uh lets see, Theorion is the main character, he wants to basically take over the space fortress Valfaris from his father Vroll, something something Symphony of the Night, heavy metal soundtrack is total shit (not because I don’t like the genre, but because the music is just dull and lifeless), and despite how hellish it is, if I could reach the final boss in 2 days, it’s proof that not even an asshole can stop how bad ass I am. You’re better off playing Doom 4. Infact, Doom Eternal is coming out soon. Wait for that instead.

Street Fighter X Pokemon?

https://www.newsweek.com/gamefreaklied-trend-twitter-pokemon-sword-shield-data-leak-reused-models-1471515

This was provided by Bucko. So… Gamefreak… lied… about making Pokemon from the ground up in Sword and Shield as an explanation as to why older Pokemon will not appear in the game. As it turns out, however, data miners have proven that this is total bullshit. Models that were featured in Sun and Moon are found in the game.

I would think that this is worse. For all we know, this could be Pokemon’s first crack at DLC. Or we can bullshit and say “EVENT POKEMON”, but if that’s the case, they just dug themselves a brand spanking new hole. Gotta love data miners, huh? Proving the industry is full of shit no matter how popular their franchises are.

But fuck all that. People from Nintendo were caught LYING!!! Again, Nintendo is supposed to be anti-industry, and… more and more, they’re just proving themselves to be dirtbags, no better than 7th Gen Capcom! It’s happening so fast! Nintendo’s descent continues, and Pokemon will be the Achilies Heel in removing the facade! Perhaps now, people will start looking at Nintendo with a more objective and critical eye!? I mean… Soul Calibur stopped being shit, so anything’s possible!

Awwww Shit (Pokemon S & S)

I have not played the game, so I couldn’t verify any of this if I wanted to. But…. he’s absolutely right! NO EKANS!?? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!

………………………..Unless mah boi Heracross is still in- SWEET AMMA, THOSE DIRTBAGS CUT HERACROSS!!!! THEY ACTUALLY CUT FUCKING HERACROSS!! THAT IS MY NUMBER 1 BEST BUG POKEMON!!! I knew those fuckers would cut Typhlosion, they hate the Johto Starters….. BUT FUCKING HERACROSS!? GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Oh who am I kidding, I don’t even have a Switch.

But it’s Heracross, man!!!

Real talk though (that’s what the kids are saying these days), I assume Switch carts hold more storage data than a 3DS cart…. otherwise, those pretty HD graphics wouldn’t work on the console. Or maybe they don’t because it’s cracking under pressure, but being unable (or unwilling) to put in every Pokemon ever made is total bullshit. How much is the retail price for this game? Are they gonna do some Pokemon Box crap? Pokemon DLC OH NOES!!!! A Johto pack to get all the 2nd Gen starters, maybe!? Or maybe another shitty event!

It’s… fucking…. Heracross! Well, at least Lanturn is in, he kicks too much ass.

“Legacy Sonic”

Well here’s an interesting read.

“Character driven stories with all the characterization removed”

HAHA!!

Doing it Better: Bomberman Act 1

Lets face it. Bomberman has no fame these days. With Smash Bros., Overwatch, and Fortnite at the helm of Battle Royale gaming, Bomberman cannot even hope to compete. It’s gameplay style, while fun, isn’t fast paced at all. A lot of times, it requires patience and luck to succeed, 2 things gamers have no desire of in their gaming. A lot of what goes into Bomberman Multiplayer is playing with the hand you’re dealt. If you’re lucky to find the powerups you need to guarantee wins, you have a higher chance of victory than the other players. Super Bomberman R, I feel, was on the right track in giving characters special abilities to make combat more interesting, but a lot of them are convoluted and not very useful outside of a handful, thus bringing us back to square one. General gameplay isn’t really there and doesn’t suit the current day gaming environment.

And I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Gameplay isn’t the most important element, but it can be a major deterrent.

Content wise, I don’t think much can be done with Bomberman. Unlike Sonic, there really is no continuity to speak of, music tends to be very poor outside of the N64 games and Atomic Bomberman, and even the developers have a hard time agreeing on what Bomberman should be. At most, he is a defender of the galaxy with a space police force that randomly changes as the series progresses. His arch nemesis has the most inconsistent name in the history of gaming villains, and his antagonists are about as threatening as Hercule from DBZ. Hell, one of them, Mujoe, even SOUNDS like him! With the most recent game, it’s clear that even Konami had no idea what the hell to do with the series and decided to change said arch nemesis into a Dracula knock off, and all of the Bombers into lame tropes, essentially making Super Bomberman 3.

In either case, I can’t see this series working out very well in the future (primarily because of Konami, but also) because the series just isn’t on the radar. There is no such thing as a market for it.

So… how’s this for an idea? Not that it would actually help the franchise get out of it’s ditch, what if the overhead, grid based style of Bomberman…. acted more like a stealth action/exploration game? And by exploration, I mean “Metroidvania”? Afterall, we already have a working template in Bomberman Tournament (or Story for the otaku), it just needs less Charabom wank. So I’m thinking you have Bomberman in this dark factory labrynth, trying to outrun the murderous robots from “Act Zero”, getting casual upgrades to his powers and arsenal, and building himself up to be strong enough to destroy said robots, and escape the factory to the surface?

Yeah…. this could work!

So… gameplay wise, here’s the idea. You’ve got White Bomber/Shirobon/whatever the fuck you wanna call him, he’s trapped in this large scale factory, 6 areas, and he’s got those balloon enemies, the Hige Hige Bandits (kamen rider looking fucks), and… the general gameplay isn’t really different, but it’s used in an overworld context. The Balloms and Bandits can be killed, but the mech warriors from Act Zero can’t. And this is where the stealth comes in. At first, you’d have to avoid them as they’re immune to your bombs. But they can kill you in one hit either by running into you or blowing you up with their own bombs. Anytime you detonate a bomb, they can hear it, and will rush to the location of the last known explosion. Something you could use to your advantage to throw them off your trail if need be. There’d be safe zones that they can’t enter or search in, giving you a reprieve from their pursuit (and becomes easier with the walk-thru-walls powerup), and late in the game, you get the Red Bombs from 64 that allows you to actually harm them, thus allowing you to clear the 6 areas of those fuckers once and for all!

You might be wondering “why would you include the horrible robots from Act Zero!? That game is shit!!!” True, but that’s the idea. This probably would’ve worked better back when Act Zero was fresh in people’s memory, but the idea is in the promotion of it. You’d have a trailer where the Act Zero robots are all busy fighting, you’d have the audience booing at it because… you know… “fuck Act Zero“, and because Konami owns the license. But after a good 15-20 seconds of fighting, you have a normal, classic Bomberman Bomb drop down in front one of those robots, he gets confused, and then he’s blown up. After the smoke clears, you get the real Bomberman glaring at said robots, and you’d have the crowd going wild as gameplay footage of Bomberman kicking the shit out of the Robots starts playing through. At least that’s how I envision it, the audience would probably going “what in the fresh hell is going on!?“. And that would be the hook. The real deal Bomberman kicking the shit out of the Act Zero Robots. Course the problem with that now is Bomberman isn’t relevant for people to care about that detail anymore. Still would’ve kicked ass, though!

So then the question becomes “Why is Bomberman fighting the Act Zero Robots“!? Well, this game would be titled “Bomberman Act One” and would be a remake of the original game. An… ACTUAL remake unlike what Act Zero proposed itself to be. Now, the original game had this really weird storyline where Bomberman…. basically gets bored with having to produce bombs, and wants to go to the surface to make a wish upon a star so that he could be human…. and turns into Lode Runner. I wish I was making that up. And in Lode Runner, the enemies are other Bomberman. Even so, that gave me all kinds of ideas just by those 2 games.

Alright. The setting would be on Planet Bomber, obviously, and in this instance, the planet was colonized and converted into a global weapons production factory by the “Garaden Empire” from Bomber Hero, and it’s under the supervision of Mujoe. You may remember him as “Mr. Meanie” from Bomberman Saturn…. or just Mujoe from Generations and Jetters. Planet Bomber gets it’s name from the fact that Mujoe’s number one product is explosives.

Professor Ein, (a character that first appears in Saturn and makes numerous appearances since) is responsible for developing the “Bombermen” robots from Act Zero that produce the bombs. This is against his will, of course, as they keep his granddaughter (lets say “Shout” from Jetters) as a hostage to leverage his cooperation. Of course, when the Robots are overproduced or goes obsolete, Mujoe has them fight and destroy each other for his amusement. To make things interesting, he has their armor reinforced so that they aren’t easily destroyed in one explosion. After several battles, only a Black colored Bomberman managed to survive each and every battle, being christened as Mujo’s personal Champion as a result.

And then comes Shout’s Birthday.

Ein, being the good grandparent he is, develops a specialized Bomberman for said birthday, one that is much kinder, more family friendly, less violent, and having a mind of it’s own. Thus we get White Bomber, the ultra silly, cartoony version of the Bomberman series line. After finishing it, Ein is immediately interrogated by Mujo on what he was doing, and he reveals that all he wanted to do with give his grandchild a birthday gift since he isn’t allowed to see her. White Bomber cannot produce explosives anywhere near the level of destructive power enough to break a wall, which he later demonstrates by having White Bomber plant a bomb on concrete. Seeing as his bombs weren’t shit, Mujo lets him off the hook and gives White Bomber over to Shout… who isn’t really impressed by him. But considering her circumstances, she gets used to him. And the 2 grow to be something akin to siblings, with Shout calling White Bomber “little Bro”… or …. “Bomber Bro” …. >_>.

White Bomber had several opportunities to interact with the other Bombermen, particularly the Black One, and tries to befriend them all. But since they’re killing machines, they don’t know what he’s doing. After all his attempts to be befriend everyone, Shout explains that they’re all cold and heartless war machines created to destroy each other and the universe, and that just about every night, they’re forced to destroy each other in gladiator matches for Mujo’s entertainment. This…. makes White Bomber depressed, and every night, he has to her their agonistic screams as they’re destroyed over and over again. However, at the same time, Shout tells White Bomber of a legend. Planet Bomber, before becoming a war torn hellscape, often gets a visit from a “wishing star” every year during the winter season. And it’s arrival would be 3 nights from now.

Hearing that gives White Bomber the idea to escape to the surface. So, he produces a bomb that actually WAS capable of destroying concrete, and makes his escape with Shout. Mujo, seeing this, keeps Ein under wraps and his his Hige Hige Bandits and Bombermen go after him, keeping his “Champion” at bay until necessary.

There wouldn’t be any cutscenes as you playthrough, so the story would come in the form of Shout’s exposition (White Bomber would be mute outside of grunts, cheers, and screams) as she explains each and every section of the factory, and becoming the equivalent of Navi.

The sectors of the factory are as follows.

1. Bomb Storage facility.

This area couldn’t be more beginner friendly if it tried. You don’t encounter any AZ Robots here. You just have regular balloms and Hige Bandits patrolling the area. the excuse being that the AZ Robots may accidentally detonate the bombs stored within setting off a chain reaction that will destroy the planet.

2. Atomic Plant.

Where the “poison” powerup comes into play. The area has no bombs, thus AZ Robots are in the area, thus serving as an introduction to dealing with them. Shout will be up your ass about not engaging in battle with them. Poison gas is littered throughout the area that carries the “poison Powerup” effect which might cause you to lay out a bomb by accident. Same applies to them, of course.

3. Hydrogen Plant.

Water pools…. yay.

4. Colliseum.

The obligatory Nostalgia area where you have to clear a few floors with a certain level of expertise to earn rewards. By this point, you would have limited combat ability against the AZ robots (which would be determined by Fire ups and remote controlled bombs).

5. Waste Disposal Center.

World 5 in Super Bomberman R comes to mind for this place. You’ll be forced to destroy objects and walls in order to move about the place. And you know what that means for AZ Robots. There aren’t as many hiding places as in the last 3 areas, making this more tedious than usual.

6. Barracks

The final area has nothing but AZ Robots, and while you’re capable of killing them easily, their numbers become an issue, and they have better AI

In the final area near the exit to the surface, Mujo reveals himself, having kept a watchful eye on Bomberman and Shout as they make their way up, and he finally sicks his Champion on Bomberman. Here, you’d be forced to fight him, but if you collected enough expansions, you should be fine. That’s the idea, at least.

After that is a scene where White has the Champion on the ground, and while Shout keeps urging him to finish it off, White just can’t pull himself to do it. He spares him much to Shout’s dismay.

Outside on the surface, Mujoe is left without his troops, and agrees to fight you one on one. Another standard Bomberman fight, he comes equipped with the Golden Glove, and can accurately aim his bomb tosses at you to stun you. But otherwise, not too much of an ass.

After the ass-beating, he comes out with a mobile turret to shoot and move about in a gird like fashion. After destroying that, the final boss is done for. Mujoe grovels on the floor, Wily style, and begs for his life. Again, because White is too nice, he decides to let Mujoe go, much to Shout’s dismay. As he turns his back, Mujoe brandishes a pistol and tries to shoot White. But as he shoots, the Champion appears and jumps in the way of the blast. So, while White and Shout worry about the Champ’s damage, Mujoe manages to escape off world. He’s beyond repair. White is, of course, saddened by the prospect of the Champ dying on him, but there isn’t anything he can do.

After a while, the wishing star arrives to save the day! As it hovers above them, White (silently) tries to wish for the Champ to be revived. But a voice calls out from the star and says that said champ is filled with evil or…. some shit and refuses to do anything for him. So then White wishes for Champ to be purged of evil in an attempt to save him. The star, moved by White’s purity, grants him his wish, but also extends that to all the AZ Robots on the planet, giving them the planet Bomber we actually know of. The AZ Robots turn into Bombermen like White. The Champ is turned into Black Bomber/Kurobom/Cool Black or w/e you wanna call him. as well, Black’s damage was completely repaired. And he is allowed to see another day.

Dr. Ein is rescued by Bombermen, and they head for the surface to celebrate. Ein is reunited with Shout, and… happy endings!

….Or not. An after credits gig shows Mujoe crawling back to the Garaden Star, whining to Bagura, the leader of the Garaden Empire, and proclaiming that there is open rebellion on Planet Bomber.

And so we get Bomberman Act 2! The lighter and softer sequel!

Here, the Bombermen get to work in restoring the planet back to it’s former glory before it’s conversion into a weapon’s factory. Despite all of this, Ein knows that because of this, it’s only a matter of time before Bagura arrives to investigate/invade/etc. Though for some reason, Shout doesn’t seem worried. Since White kicked so much ass before, she believes Bagura stands no chance.

Well, obviously, they have the chance to prove themselves when Bagura arrives with the Garaden Star. Immediately sending out his Hige Armies to take over. Ein and Shout are kidnapped (again) and Bagura interrogates them over and over about what they did to his AZ Bots. While that goes on, White and Black team up to liberate the planet’s surface and kick out the Higes.

That said, 2 Player Coop would come back for Act 2, and the same rules apply as in the last game. Exploration style game, but this time without the overbearing emphasis on stealth action, and would instead focus on gaining enough power to fight off the invaders. Bomb throwing would have a different function in that a bomb explodes as soon as it hits the ground to make for a faster paced game, and to make boss battles less tedious. Bomb Kicks work in a similar fashion. Punches wouldn’t, however.
The primary objective is to rescue as many Bombermen as you can from prisons, cages, and w/e else they may be trapped in. Many of them would have Bomb/Fire/Speed expansions in addition to the ones found in the field. The ending wouldn’t be determined by how many you rescue. Some of which require you not to be discovered by enemies.

In the end, they both manage to rescue Ein and Shout, and KILL… yes… KILL Bagura. As a result of his death, the Garaden Empire crumbles, an act that sends shockwaves through the galaxy.

White and Black are heralded as heroes for liberating the galaxy! Mujoe leaves and starts his own band of space pirates that terrorize worlds for their own personal gain. White, obviously, wants to put a stop to his evil, and this gives Ein the idea to found the Galactic Rangers.

An Act 3 would have Mechadoc, a former scientist of Garaden, taking an interest in the newly created Bombermen, noticing that their unprecedented victory over Bagura meant that they had untapped potential. In Act 2, they had captured several Bombermen. And all but 5 were freed. Mechadoc takes these five and experiments with them, creating the infamous Five Dastardly Bombers. To test out their powers, he sends them individually to 5 different planets, with Magnet Bomber being sent to Planet Bomber. Black, of course, gets kidnapped in trying to fight him off, so White goes to save him, and in the process defeats Magnet Bomber. Magnet tells him that White and Black both abandoned them to the whims of Garaden, and wishes nothing but misery upon them. After he dies, he leaves behind a chip that White plugs into his belt, giving him the ability to use Magnet bombs, as well as see Magnet Bomber’s memories. These serve to give context to their origins as well as give clues as to who is responsible for this (you wouldn’t actually know who made the Dastardly Bombers or where they come from at the start. It’s just something you have to piece together after each boss fight.).

After that, they get calls from Ein that 4 more strange Bombers like them have appeared on 4 other planets. They’ve been given clearance to go and investigate. On Primus, they get into a fight with Nitros (from Hero) who mistake White for Magnet Bomber since he can use Magnet Bombs, and THEY get into a fight. After kicking his ass, Pibot (if I remember the name) stops the scuffle to explain that White and Black’s presence was requested by Princess Milan (Again, from Hero). So after the meet and greet at the castle, and after taking the L, Nitros still doesn’t trust the 2 considering they are Bombermen, former servants of Garaden, nor does he think highly of their combat ability. You know, the ol obligatory bullshit rivalry. Even so, he reluctantly agrees to help them as per Milan’s request.

throughout this game, the kinds of items you find are geared toward the Bomber Gear from Hero. The Jet, Marine, Slider, and Copter have individual parts that you’d have to find throughout each planet to complete and utilize in order to fully explore them. At the same time, Mujoe would make numerous appearances to pester you, but him and the Hige Bandits are simple enough to beat.

In eithercase, after defeating the Bombers and tracing them back to Mechadoc, he’s back on Planet Bomber to round up more Bombermen for his experiments. So White, Black, and Nitros race back to save them and fight off Mechadoc. They’re successful, of course, but Mechadoc escapes, though not before taking a bomb blast to the head (which would give way to him having half a face in later entries). After the battle, Nitros eventually sees that he was wrong about the Bombermen, seeing how happy they are, living in harmony with each other, not giving a shit about the rest of the galaxy, etc. etc. As such, he has a little more respect for White and Black, but still thinks they could use some training to be real defenders of the galaxy.

White, as usual, feels some level of guilt for having to put down the Dastardly Bombers, prompting Nitros to tell him “get guud” in order to prevent any future casualties, right before he leaves.

Future “Acts”… I’ll just leave to the imagination. More people would join the Galactic Rangers (Notably Max), Bagura would return with that dumb muzzle from Hero, and work in those bombers from 64 as those moving in on former Garaden Territory.

Now, if we go on about multiplayer, then as I said before, all you’d really need to do is give them good abilities. Jetters and R had the right idea, but lack luster execution on both ends. The big issue being cooldowns/micromanagement. I suppose the cooldown isn’t a bad idea given that abilities would be powerful, but again, most abilities in R were shit, it was more annoying than not. So in this case, some abilities will have a cooldown of 3 seconds each. Throwing, kicking, and punching bombs into other Bombers will stun them temporarily. In addition, punching Bombers stuns them for a much shorter time.

So lets put it this way.

Bombermen: Equips different “Belt Chips” without the perks given to the other bombers. And by perks, I mean starting off with certain powerups similar to how Grand Prix in R did it. But we won’t focus on those. At best, they are merely different colors for the same character.

Mujoe: Dash into other Bombers, stunning them.
Bagura: Teleports 3 spaces in front. Can’t bypass walls.
Shout: …. Shouts, turning all nearby bombs into duds.
Ein: Produces Dangerous Bombs
Hige Hige Bandit: Summons bandit decoys. Only one at a time.
Nitros Blue: 4-Way Glacier Attack. Has a cooldown.
Nitros Red: Blazing Geysers in random locations. Cooldown
Nitros Yellow: Summons Disc UFOs. Only 2 at a time.
Nitros Green: Creates a barrier that shields from physical hits, but NOT explosions.
Magnet Bomber: Magnetizes one other bomber so that Bombs are always drawn to them. Only one at a time, and can’t reuse until said Bomber is blown up.
Golem Bomber: Drops destructible blocks in random spots. Cooldown.
Pretty Bomber: Charms other Bombers, making herself immune to their bombs. Only one charm at a time.
Brain Bomber: Can warp bombs away in random directions. Cooldown
Plasma Bomber: Specialized bomb can paralyze other Bombers who are 2 spaces within it’s reach. Acts like a dangerous Bomb, and only one can be used at a time.

Something to hasten the pacing of the battles. Bomberman games can be quite slow paced. So for single player, you have the exploration (metroidvania) elements that compliment the naturally slow pacing of gameplay without the stage by stage structure that would make the game feel repetitive. Story wise, as there was no centralized continuity, the first 3 acts would only serve to bridge together the original game with the games that have Bomberman as a Space Ranger, giving him something of an origin story that’s more cliche than I’d prefer. But it at least gives context to his many random adventures. Oh, and taking more musical cues from the N64 games would help. Soundtracks before and after those games tend to fall into Pixie territory. When you hear the name “Bomberman”, cute and friendly isn’t something that comes to mind.

It’s true that I thought more about the origin portion more so than a full series, but I haven’t played enough of the series to get an indepth understanding of it’s lore. Blame Hudson’s proclivity to spreading all the games out so thinly, or not.

Nintendo’s descent into darkness

2019 has been an interesting year for entertainment. Things we never thought we’d ever see are occurring right under our noses. Disney’s waning popularity (at least when concerning Star Wars), Blizzard’s rapidly imploding fame, Activision validating a purchase of TSR :P, the rampant and unrelenting calls for censorship, the true colors of the MCU fanbase being nothing but whores for Disney, debates over big breasts…. but the most prominent one for me would be Nintendo’s transformation into an industry house. The term “industry” is synonymous with corruption in my book. This malevolent machine that consumes the soul of anything it touches until there is nothing left but a smoldering husk. You don’t have to look far to see how truly evil the Game Industry has become. And the fact that Nintendo is on such a path to industry levels of corruption is something that is more alarming than it is a tool to go up to fanboys and say “Fuck you, I was right” despite the level of satisfaction it induces.

One could say that Nintendo was the most “conservative” console manufacturer around the time of 95 or 96 when they decided to forgo the compact disc medium that was being used by Sony and Sega at the time for the more expensive Cartridge format (Yes, I know what the real reasons are, but work with me). With the gamecube, they shifted gears toward mini-discs, but refused to go the route of dvd players and online gaming. Though many people regard these decisions as mistakes, I have a certain level of (dare I say it) appreciation for them. Nintendo, during these times, made themselves out to be the company that put videogames above gimmicks, however poorly these moves panned out for them. They made it a priority for the hardware to be functional (not 100% on that, but they tried), and made sure that the games on their system were of exceptional quality (again, not 100%). You got the sense that they actually cared about videogames. And… they couldn’t afford not to because their systems didn’t have gimmicks to rely on.

This perception did not end when it came to the Wii. I consider the Wii to be the last real videogame console for the mere fact that it wasn’t completely poisoned by the onslaught of DLC and C.O.M. gaming that would eventually saturate the market. Yes, it did have a gimmick, one that people would come to despise until the end of time, but however briefly, it returned console gaming back to it’s origins as platforms of Arcade Entertainment, not to mention the return of Coop gaming when the market was shifting toward battle modes. Unfortunately, this is also where we start to see the cracks in Nintendo’s strategy. Around 2010, there was this… “quantum shift” where Nintendo would start making lack luster games seemingly only to push numbers or fulfill a quota (Wii Sports Resort comes to mind), making horrible games such as Other M and Skyward Sword, and have no real inclination towards quality control as the Wii was flooded with shovelware, making it a chore to find a decent game on the console.

Nintendo did not rectify this with the Wii U, but instead decided to double down on things that the industry was already making worse. Nintendo begins to dabble with DLC under the veil of Amiibos, they begin having actual DLC for Super Smash Bros. 4, and have an utterly bizarre demand for 3rd Party developers to promote Nintendo franchises through exclusive costumes and stages. Not to mention having a library of poor games overrall. Nintendo started to sacrifice quality in favor of playing catch up with the rest of the industry, abandoning their laurels of not going the route of HD visuals, and doing everything they can to shore up 3rd Party support. The latter I suppose isn’t a bad thing, though it reeked of desperation. Nintendo had always shown a level of confidence in their first party titles that they never really tried to appeal to 3rd party developers up until this point.

And then… things get even worse with the Switch. Now… we get to a point where Nintendo makes faulty hardware. Joysticks have drifting issues, and the console itself produces cracks from overheating. Online functionality is now subscription based. Games have more DLC than in previous gen consoles. Having a brief trip toward VR in order to increase the appeal of cardboard. Mobile games have mictrotransactions up the arse, and more recently with examples from me and Bucko, Nintendo is offering nothing but lip service for those desperate enough to find a savior in gaming in regards to censorship.

In the words of the late trailer voice guy, “Something has gone wrong in the world of Nintendo“.

Granted, Nintendo has never been perfect. However, with the Gamecube and Wii, Nintendo had made a statement. If you are tired of the gaming industry, you go to them to wash the taste out of your mouth. They were the ones who offered a reprieve from the industry standard. The industry norm. They were a safe haven from dirty DLC practices and mictrotransactions, and general industry fuckery. They often made it their duty to have console hardware that is functional more often than not. And while they have some bizarre choices for controllers, one could not say that Nintendo didn’t care about games.

Now, from the moment the Switch launches, we see this rapid transformation from the anti-industry company to a follower of the industry. From the get go, we have the announcement that the Switch’s online functions will carry a fee, something the other 2 dogs have done. We see several ports of Wii U titles going to Switch, something PS4 is guilty of. We see a bigger influx of DLC characters in smash bros., something that’s all too common in the fighting game genre, Nintendo is taking less care with the functionality of their hardware as we see in consoles producing cracks and analog sticks having drifting issues, something the other 2 dogs have had issues with (and is most alarming to me), lying about censorship if only to placate disgruntled gamers and possibly garner more console sales, and while it hasn’t come to the Switch yet, we’re getting microtransactions in their mobile games, loot boxes especially in Mario Kart Tour (And before anyone says it wasn’t developed by Nintendo, they are ALLOWING those things to be in the game. At the very least, Disney put their foot down when Battlefront 2 had it’s controversy, what little that did).

That last point should be alarming to everyone that is a Nintendo fan. They are slowly but surely incorporating the Industry’s destructive habits into their routines. And while the Switch has been very successful despite all of this, what exactly is the cost? We’ve seen what happens when Nintendo finds success in something, they immediately get arrogant and start making disastrous decisions that ultimately doom their console. The problem now is that their success might bring in the full force of industry standard practices with Mario’s face slapped on it. Gamers may have been a little too quick to praise and hype Nintendo on everything they’ve done, and with what Nintendo has been doing, this is going to be to everyone’s detriment.

Now… how did we get to this point? It could be that Nintendo’s new president sees gaming differently than did Iwata. Iwata, for better or worse, had ideas to improve Nintendo as a whole without compromising the “anti-industry” stint they had going from the Gamecube onward. Idk what the hell happened during the Wii U stage, but the idea was the same. Maintain a “gaming first” stratagem. As soon as he kicks the bucket and we get to the Switch, we start seeing this metamorphosis into the industry standard. It’s slow, but it’s there. Iwata, I assume, was trying to keep Nintendo from going down that road, and his efforts died with him. With Iwata gone, Nintendo can now become the devil it always wanted to be.

W/e the reasons, what’s even more concerning is that Nintendo’s fans don’t see this as an issue… or rather, they don’t WANT to see this as an issue. When you find discussions about microtransactions in Dr. Mario, and Super Mario Kart Tour, you will often find responses justifying the inclusion of such features. This is detrimental behavior as it will enable Nintendo to continue such practices down the road, and if we look at Nintendo as no different from other game publishers, they… WILL…. get worse with microtransactions and lootboxes. It’s only a matter of time before they do. And WHEN they do, that’s when we can say that gaming is dead. All the major console developers will be one big industry machine, all carrying the same strategies and business practices that will come at the expense of the consumer. The videogame equivalent to the ISPs.

I can picture future console generations having the headlines of “choose your poison” if this keeps up.

Off her chest: ………

Alright, I’m gonna risk getting flagged or banned or whatnot, but… I can’t hold it in anymore. It’s gone on long enough, and I’ve lost all my patience for it.

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IO IS A BAD BITCH!!!!

Full figure, thick thighs, and the MEANEST set of titties ever rendered! Namco is about to fuck up ALL of Tecmo’s money at this rate if Shimbori is still around. If ONLY that was a black woman! If SJWs got their way, this level of perfection wouldn’t have been achieved! And people crying over them ugly ass MK girls getting cover ups, you think them mud ducks can compete with Japan’s level of perversion!?

Goddamn! Look at how today’s generation just gets pissed off at anything resembling a D-Cup! Why is it that everytime you turn around, there’s always a goddamn controversy when the women, uh…. “look good“!? Atleir Ryza, sounding like some Wu Tang shit, always gets a news story about how the NPC’s keep losing as Ryza keeps making money. Everytime something out of Japan packs in double-D’s, they start the pissing contests. Thinking everyone is as easy to bully as Tecmo.

This shit’s been going on for a while, puritan women constantly going on the attack against fictional women for showing more than a navel. Anime in general is starting to come under attack by these crazy bitches (no I don’t know what My Hero Academy is, and that shit’s coming under fire!), and I just have to say you heifers are decades late on this. Every show Nihon has is filled with women that LOOK like they take care of themselves! Every girl in the land of rising sun wants a man! They are not going to fuck themselves up just be “empowered”. Half of y’all worship Elsa from Frozen for not being with a man, and ignoring that she still looks better than all of you combined! The cold never bothered her, and neither did being called ugly! Shit, they got a show right now where some girl gained a few pounds, and she went “AWW HELL NAW!!!” and she goin overboard to get rid of those few damn pounds! No wonder y’all mad, she represents the drive that you all lack!

Most of these women WISH they had those bodies! You had some white lifeguard bitch posing in a pool with a 2 piece, and THAT shit sparked controversy on social media some time ago, and I’m like “This has to be the result of some fat bitches”. America’s obesity epidemic is still a thing, but I notice that between the sexes, fat boys tend to be a little on the happy side (probably cause they get to hit them happy meals and still get a woman) but fat bitches tend to be the MEANEST women in the world! And are the biggest haters! They see a fine woman walk passed them, their blood pressure kicks into overdrive! “How DARE they look so good!” They know ain’t nobody checking them out with their cow shaped figures! But America is also the home of spoiled and rotten ass women who, because they’re never held to account for their vices, figured that instead of taking their fat asses on a diet, they’re gonna gather around each other and try to dictate who and what men can wank off to! Then you think of that obesity epidemic, you got an army of fat bitches on standby. If fat bitches became the standard of beauty, everything on TV would be a planetarium.

But hell, it doesn’t even stop there! You don’t have to be a big bitch to hate fine ass women, you could also have an average face and STILL be pissed off! You know a while ago that some people tried to claim that dyke ass Captain Marvel was more attractive than anime girls? I don’t care if she had phat titties and a phat ass, that Captain America haircut will fuck up the whole damn claim!

This is the chick from Gears 5. The face isn’t bad, and she probably got abs of steel, but that HAIR…. IS….. FUCKED!!! This is the bullshit Carol Danvers was rocking for a while, and she couldn’t look like anymore of a man if she tried! Some of you might go “Well, she’s a soldier! That’s probably typical of their hair styles” or some shit.

Yeah, well she’s a soldier too, and it’s clear who would get more wank! And she has a a female’s hair style!

Yeah, I said it! I want my women to look like fucking WOMEN! She don’t need to have big titties or a big ass, but she needs to look like a WOMAN!!! That’s why 100% of the time, anime bitches are going to win these debates! Ms. Marvel is not competing with those girls no matter how much you try to push it! American women are just a little too obsessed with being manish so that they can have some semblance of male power!

Just look at this bitch face-

GOOOOOOOOOD DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!

You know her parents wanna campaign against them anti-abortion laws if only so they don’t have to be reminded of their crummy genetics! Lookin like a statue out of a wax museum after they turned the heat on! This is the kind of shit the SJWs want to be the standard of beauty! Flat on both sides, ugly, but is empowering because she’s a gremlin. Somebody call the Goblin Slayer and terminate this hoe! Now it could just be a shoddy rendering job that makes her look so damn ugly in the first-

Nah, she really is that busted. Looks like a straight up MAN! If you didn’t know that was Mackenzie Davis, you’d assume that was the new John Connor!

I just… why do women wanna look like men so goddamn much? They got their tentacles in everything. If they had it their way, She-Ra wouldn’t be rockin a skirt. They done stripped her titties off, I guess that was enough damage cause GODDAMN, if they even get a whiff of a big tittied woman, they want to go to war!

In all seriousness, this has gone on long enough, and I don’t think the people campaigning against tits even know why they’re doing it anymore. You’d think it’s the olden days of “objectifying women is bad”. And that would be ok if it didn’t morph into “good looking women are inherently evil”. At this point, it’s no longer about a fair representation of women, it’s about deconstructing women of anything that makes them inherently “feminine”. I think there were people complaining about the Power Rangers movie where Kimberly and Trini had “breast plates”, and it’s just…. women have boobs, they gotta fit in somewhere! Goddamn! That’s probably the real reason Black Widow was killed off in Endgame, she was just “too sexy” for female audiences to stomach, and why all the female heroes became less attractive as these movies ran on too long. It’s gotten to the point where showing cleavage is being reprimanded. Even a small crop on a blouse that shows a little hint of sweater hams is enough to get people riled up. I don’t know where this shit came from where fictional women just aren’t supposed to be sexy. Not even that, they can’t even be beautiful (or just feminine). Leona Heidern wasn’t popular in the west until she started showing more tit and navel. Now if she lost those damn charge motions, she’d be used more often. 😛

I just see it as Americans suffering from some sort of mental disorder when it comes to sex. But in this case, women more so because the very concept of big titties is becoming more and more taboo. You never see men complaining about all the six packs you see in entertainment. The only time you see skinny mother fuckers is in COMEDY. But for more serious movies, and especially super hero fare, it’s all muscles 100% of the time. Understandable for super heroes, you’re not punching bad guys with sticks without breaking those things in half, but even outside of that shit, everyone has abs. And we’re expected to deal with that. Games and cartoons are the same way. You think I expected Archie to be buff!? Lookin at all those comics, he never struck me as a guy who lifts. But like I said, we don’t complain about that. It is what it is. And women don’t mind either, they were fawning over Chris Hemsworth for years. So… why can’t they deal with fine women? Even outside of fiction, they can’t be fine. There’s always some sort of controversy being fabricated out of nothing if one’s chest isn’t fully covered up. You’re making the MK11 bitchers look tame in comparison.

How does this even sound? Women can’t be objectified. Fine, w/e. Don’t emphasize women’s body parts via camera shots. W/e! But now they can’t even have breasts?! I’m beginning to think there’s some sort of push for women to become men, and vice versa. How is the removal of lady parts “social justice”? Women need tits on em, dammit! You need something to feed those little bastards they pop out, and that processed bullshit they sell in stores is just gonna fuck them up in the future. It’s gotten so bad that a game like “Subverse” is being made. It’s literally a game about creating a space harem.

Too bad it’s got turn-based combat.

Losing Faith in Gamers (Fallout 76)

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww SHIT!!

And on top of that, it’s fuckin up everybody’s games! People reporting scrap disappearing, private worlds not being private at all, and all other shit that tells you none of this shit is worth investing in!

I know I’m late talkin about this, Fallout is something I don’t give 2 dimes about, but I had to step back and think for a minute. People are reporting problems with this thing!? That tells you that gamers are a bunch of dumbasses! If you assholes know a game got problems from the get go, the gamers on and offline are telling you it’s fucked up, Why are you paying a hundred dollars for some weak ass membership!?

Damn, some of these gamers are acting like Hood rats going to an Asian hair salon for another ass whoopin! Y’all love the industry’s abuse, don’cha!? $100 dollars man! For a goddamn membership for a game that isn’t even functional…. and made the shit worse! That’s like the 2 idiots in Kangaroo Jack who went to Australia to pay for their own execution! This is some MCU fandom levels of stupid! “We want Disney to FUUUUUUCK up this whole entertainment industry to keep Spiderman in the MCU” kind of stupid! Fuck Patreon, you might as well get up in that game industry and start earning mad money by the billions! The gaming market eclipses China’s demo with their lack of standards and priorities alone! Lets think for a moment, mother fuckers actually BOUGHT this shit!! How can you NOT feel demoralized after learning that!? I thought y’all were starting to get some sense after Apex Legends!

$100 for some private worlds! How is this shit not already in the base game?! Private lobbies are in most online C.O.M. sucking games as it is! It’s been ages since I played an online game, for sure, but I know y’all done fucked up spending any money on this!

Bethesda’s arrogance in charging this much for some features, that should have already been in the damn game, was validated by the people reporting all these problems. They actually BOUGHT it! And they got what they deserved. Inventory Rape. Yo shit is GONE!! Like the hype for Disney brand Star Wars, straight GONE!! Like the sales figures for Sonic Mania, all GONE!! But most of all, like yo common sense, just GONE!! I’m about to say fuck the whole “It’s your money” argument, you set all of gaming back when you purchase this shit. You deserved to be clowned for that! Don’t even blame Bethesda for this, you should’ve known better! Naw I don’t care if people are mystified by the fallout series, that’s a hundred dollar membership for a fucking videogame!

That can’t be addiction, that’s just plain stupidity. Even without those issues, this isn’t something you pay for. Shit like this often comes in the form of a goddamn PATCH update! You don’t have to spend money on this, especially no damn $100! You’ve got to be on the yac! Lets think about this. Private rooms/worlds/whatever the fuck… PATCH! Icons and costumes… punk bitch DLC and shit! (Actually naw, scratch that, just have that shit unlockable, icons installed by default. Matter of fact, to hell with some dumbass icons!). Unlimited inventory space ….. upgrades via the main game! Fast Travel Tents… that should’ve been in already! None of this shit is worth 100 dollars by virtue of it having been provided for free in the past! You stupid ass gamers are so used to an ass fucking that you don’t even know you paid $100 for some shit that other games literally give you for free! Damn, you fallout fuck boys set gamers back by decades with this shit! Acting like teenagers with that “I got money, I don’t give a fuck about priorities or you whiners! I’mma just buy this membership if only to piss you off” bullshit!

You’re all a goddamn disgrace! No wonder the Industry is so corrupt and malevolent now!