Category: Platformers


What’s this!? No stupid bitch!?

Sonic’s Lost Mind, currently causing a thousand shit storms over the webs because IGN did….. the same damn thing they do with plenty of Sonic games, hype it the fuck up and then toss it to ground, planting it’s ass firmly in the air to prep it for the long dick of their hypocrisy. The funny thing is…. I’m reminded of all the mess that came after Sonic 06 was released. It’s as if we played Regal Ruins all over again.

Damn I love Sonic R’s soundtrack. The damage control is in full force, and it ain’t pretty. You get complaints about bad controls “OH YOU JUST SUCK!”. Don’t complain about bad camera angles, you’ve never been a photographer.

I was previously asked by someone from SAera to do a defense for Sonic 06, and initially I had to pass on the request. There is a staggering number of problems against this game that you’d have to be pretty nuts to try to put together a coherent defense for it. And on a personal level, I don’t even like the game myself. I had to play it again after a long 7 years to see if it’s still as bad as I remember…. and yeah, it is. I actually tried a homing attack on the Wolf Robot and found my ass blasting off into outer space.

It was the funniest and (probably) coolest thing to ever happen in a Sonic game, and it was all by accident. It’s like Sonic took his self inserted game over from Sonic CD and took it to the next level and said “farewell cruel game!”

After fiddling around with the Silver boss fight and trying to get passed the Mach speed zone of Crisis City, I said “fuck this shit” and found a save online so I could play through most of the game without the effort and increase in blood pressure. I actually found Silver’s game more fun than initially seven years back. There’s just something about pulling bars apart and hurling loads of shit around at enemies that gives me a sense  of empowerment. And since he’s slow as molasses, it’s much less frustrating when trying to focus and fight enemies. After a while, even Sonic felt smooth to play through. Shadow’s game, I actually hate now because of that fiddigity ass homing attack nonsense where you mash the jump button as soon as you hit an enemy, and that would be his main attack. Plus, his game is bloated with vehicles and mini-missions where you spend more time looking for items or destroying search lights. And how does Shadow have access to his glider while being trapped in the future? Why does Chaos Spear only stun enemies and not KILL them!? O_O

Nerd perception aside, the PS3 version might have better load times as they weren’t a total bother like on the 360, though it seems to have more bugs (I can’t remember). I notice that when the characters land after a jump, they seem to stick to the ground a few seconds sooner before they actually touch the ground. It just irks me. I actually flew off loops in Wave Ocean a couple times despite being an automated sequence, and Flame Core, falling off the walls randomly while running, but these were about the only instances I’ve encountered so far. Everything else seems to work ok and I guess people over-inflated the frustrations of the Mach speed zones in Crisis City (dat shit was getting on my last nerve too), cause most of the complaints come directly from Sonic’s game. Sonic’s mode is the buggiest out of them all especially since the Mach Speed zones have terrible fuckin controls that don’t respond when you want to turn, which doesn’t help since half of Sonic’s stages feature the damn mach speed zones so it’s something that’s hard to escape. Praise Amma there are only 2 stages with snowboarding or else I’d go clinically insane from that shit. The Elise stages are bizarre in that you need to create a barrier just to go over sand and water. Where does that power even come from!? And why can’t I just run across that bullshit?

Overall, Sonic’s technical problems are probably inflated for everything else in the game cause I didn’t experience shit with Silver or Shadow combined. And the technical problems are the primary focus of “everything that went wrong with 06.”

Everyone talks about the bugs and glitches (most of which are very rare I might ad) and the bad playability, the controls, the camera, etc to explain just why this game bad. Fine. It’s easy to admit the game’s technical problems are there, and they can affect playability to an extent (cue Crystalize calling me a hypocrite). The game is a technical example of what not to do with any video game release. I doubt anyone could blame it on hardware inexperience as Sega has made 2 games for 360 prior to Sonic 06 (Some racing game and Phantasy Star Universe). From what I can gather, PSU isn’t hated for anything other than gameplay direction. “Now it’s a button mashing fest” or something. No details on technical problems or what not. It’s safe to say that Sega just didn’t give a fuck and put out a flawed product and then tried to scoop it under the radar (If Weber’s recent comments weren’t any indication). It’s simply inexcusible for this company put out games with these kinds of faults.

Ok…. now put all that bullshit into a box and label it as…. “Programming Flaws”. And put that into a separate area and look at the game without that box in mind. Can you say, in it’s entirety, that it is a bad game?

People reading this are quick to say “YES! EXTREMELY!”.

The additional characters, an attempt at a plot that isn’t made for anyone with no nutz, a return to “adventure style” gameplay, the RPG-esque gem system…….. music even?

A lot of 06 supporters are quick to say that 06 has nice ideas (none of which I see). Detractors are quick to disagree based on pre-meditated biases of the games flaws. But seeing as every game after it has been considered “RUINED BY GIMMICKS“, and seeing as the only problem people have with 06 is Programming flaws, I’d have to say they’re right. No one gives a shit about Sonic 06’s primary gameplay ideas enough to bash them into hell. It’s all about the programming flaws and the shippers raging at Elise for that Sonamy bullshit will never happen anywhere but that crappy ass Sonic X cartoon.

If Sonic 06 didn’t have nice ideas, you’d hear a lot more about  them since no one can speak anything but bile in regard to 06. No one likes the Wisps except Nintards, everyone hates the swords, the guns, the Mr. Fantastic wolf pussy, and the only complaint I hear about Silver is that “he’s slow”.

The detractors probably feel deep down that the “nice ideas” are pretty damn good, but focus on everything else that’s wrong.

When concerning the story, everyone says it’s needlessly complicated, but the only thing they complain about is the relationship between Sonic and Elise. I think the storyline takes heat from those damn shippers more than anything else. No one talks about anything else but Sonic and that needy bitch suckin face in the final levels. It’s almost disturbing. No one talks about the mythos of Sun worship and how far these crazy people are going to create a giant sun god to change history and what not, the idea of sealing a DEVIL inside of a child, the sheer awesomeness of Mephiles’s scheming, Omega actually being confirmed to be created for the sake of kicking Shadow’s ass (where by making Robotnik almost Batman like in prep time. 2 devices for taking down 2 god-like hedgehogs!?). Hell, the debate about Blaze’s status (Is she alive or dead!?) generated controversy for like….. a year until Unleashed came around and everyone started going batshit insane from a developer blog, but I digress.

If the story is bad because of “beastiality”, how do you accept the implications of interspecies relationship between humans and pokemon from Diamond and Pearl?

Oh fuck it.

This doesn’t make sense unless the argument is coming from shippers, or if they’re autistic. I mean we got Roger Rabbit with his human bitch, we got Droopy the dog with every white woman he can get his hands on, and hell, Peach might as well be fucking Bowser on the patio by now, where did Baby Bowser come from all of a sudden? Ironically, there are more pairings of Sonic and PEACH than ever before. I think it has less to do with the fact that it’s interspecies romance and more with it being treated as a serious implication. Because all those other relationships are in comedies. A Comedy screams “turn your brain off you cunt!” so the desire to care about the material on a ahem….. “personal” level (if possible) is non-existent. For 06, you’re expected to give a rat’s ass.

Whatever the reason, Sonic 06 is bad. Really bad. But not for the reasons given by it’s sheer amount of detractors. No that it matters due to the normality of hating Sonic, and 06 being the defacto example of what not to do with the franchise. And that hatred is based primarily off of programming flaws.

But even then, if you take that away, then people will attack the numerous mach speed zones, the snow boarding sections in all TWO levels, take that away, they’ll go to the beastiality issue, take that away, they go to “Sonic’s friends”, take that away and you have….. nothing. There’s layers upon layers of things not enjoyable in 06, it’s literally defenseless.

So why the fuck are we still talking about it!? Because Lost Mind NEEDS defending from it’s own set of detractors.

See, lately, the fanboys got the idea that since Lost Mind would not perform the Merkaba for the franchise, they are in damage control mode. Damage control, in every sense of the word, is the illegitimate justification of a person, place, or thing based on EXTERNAL factors that may or may not be relevant to the subject matter. Don’t like math, individual ability is at fault. Don’t like Obamacare, you’re a Nazi. Don’t like Last of Us, Tomb Raider, or Heavy Rain, you’re not the target audience. Think Mario Sunshine is shit, “at least it’s better than another Call of fucking Duty #24.”. With Lost Mind, Sonic 06 is now being used to uplift Lost Mind from bad PR.

I call this behavior “Comparative Mitigation“, and it’s one of the less common forms of damage control mostly because it is a crappy technique. By pointing out a universally reviled product, it is done to show that whatever was criticized is… “not so bad” in comparison to whatever they bring up. You can’t criticize Obama worth a damn, else you’ll hear about how much worse Bush was because he was in office when the banking system “crashed”. Recently, I got a comment from a GRNB about me liking Bubsy 3D over Yoshi’s Island. The argument is flawed because, as with all forms of Damage Control, it does not defend said product on it’s own merits and instead substitutes another inferior product in it’s place to take the blunt of the insult. And often times, you’ll hear this kind of argument from Nintendo fans because they’ve had YEARS of training since the Nintendo 64. Sony fandom is an ego fandom because they associate themselves with a successful product. The irony is that Nintendo fans took up the same behaviorial patterns after the Wii, and the damage control for the 3DS was incredible. You notice how you could never shit talk the 3DS without some asshole bringing up the damn  Playstation VITA!? Comparative Mitigation is their greatest vice.

Since current Sonic fans are really Nintendo fans, it’s no surprise why we are once again thrust back into the debates about Sonic 06. The funny thing is not only are Lost Mind detractors shit talking the programming flaws, they’re also attacking the content. You might get a few people that will go on to say that “well I like the story”, but that doesn’t make up for anything else. No one even talks about the MUSIC. That is a red motherfucking flag. Sonic games always get some praise for at least one song. But nothing!? All that hype about the same musician from Unleashed and there’s nothing on the music!? Fuck dat shit mang!

It gets really obnoxious when there are endless comparisons of Sonic to Mario. Ok, they’re both labeled platformers and there’s the rivarly of the 90s. But see, the thing that gets, out of everything else they do…. they do this as a means of bashing Sonic even more so than other franchise. No one will care about Ratchet and Clank, Sly Cooper, etc. etc. because then they’d have to admit Mario games have severe short comings. The easiest target would have to be the one with least amount of sales and the worst reception in the world. And who better than a rival mascot? I’ve said in the past that Nintards are sadistic fairies in that they take delight in tormenting any fandom that does not “appreciate” the objects of their fandom. And Nintendo fans have completely taken over the Sonic fanbase as if imperialistic conquest had been performed, so the rampant comparisons of Sonic to Mario is the keep the pure remnants at bay and silenced. And it’s easy to do so thanks to Neo Sega and their lack of fuck giving.

But the obnoxious thing is when Sonic fans do their own comparisons, the Mario sector has a STRONG tendency, and this pisses me off to no end, to go on the tangent of “well Sega is out of the console business and they’ve been working with Nintendo for a while, so the rivarly is over, shut up about it”. But these duplicitous mutha fuckahs will turn around and make a LAUNDRY LIST of comparisons of Mario to Sonic in order to silence dissent of ANY FUCKING SUPPORT anyone could have of Sonic the Hedgehog. And they know they can get away with it because, like Playstation fans prior to PS3, they’re associated with a successful product. Too successful for it’s own good, I might add, but successful nonetheless. What is Sonic? A fall from fuckin grace.

But compare Mario to Call of Duty, and it’s all about some “genres”. “It CANNOT be compared.” But you compare Mario to Sonic based almost solely on success these days.

The Sonic fandom is a big ass troll magnet. Like moths to a light bulb. You can have people like this Gligar13vids or Mariotehplumber who can go about freely ramming their dicks into the franchise without fear of repercussion because of the current normality. It’s like an African in Morocco, it ain’t safe, and no one will be sorry. How in the world can you defend a franchise that is handled by a company who would rather kill it off if they didn’t need the profits?

At this point though, I can safely say that, thanks to Nintendo’s insanity, the Sonic series is officially dead. It’s best to just move on to another franchise like other reasonable people do. Fortunately, Ratchet and Clank is pretty damn fun. HUZZAH!

Shard Reaper, mother fucker.

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One thing I want to point out is that this is a site dealing with theory. To many, the very notion of theory equates to “no credibility” as people look for nothing but 100% accuracy. Naturally in our society where linear thought reigns supreme, a singular, all-encompassing answer that gives clarity on every question we have. Credibility is authority.

However, we deny that theory has it’s uses. When there is no respectful answer given, all we have is theory. Theory is formed by the evidence of possibilities. Evidence of possibility is evidence that supports a conclusion that you or anyone could come up with. It may not be right, but for the most part, it CAN be. It’s how mathmatics work. Yes, there’s only one answer, but there are many solutions you can come up with that lead to that answer. The very nature of mathmatics is theory.

We could say the war on terror is based on lies due to evidence of possibilities. Like

1. No WMDs in Iraq.

2. testimonies by victims and witnesses in NYC on 9/11

3. The News media being generally hostile toward any conflicting stories given by those that doubt the official details given.

You get the idea.

Everyone theorized that Sonic Lost Mind would be a Mario Galazy clone based on similarities of structure. But, Sonic fans blew off those comparisons as wild guessing based on fear, or supported them based on the delusion that Galazy is a highly favorable game.

Lost Mind being a Mario clone needs no theory now. It was Confirmed in an interview by a retard.

A lot of people come up with different names to describe Sonic Lost World.

Lost Balls

Lost Cause

Lots of different names, mostly to describe perception and displeasure. Not to be an arrogant bastard, but Lost Mind is the only name suitable to describe this title.

Going into nerdy detail, a Lost Mind is where your original consciousness is removed, and is drifting away. Sometimes, the lost mind is supplanted with another mind that completely alters the nature of the body.

So, with Sonic’s Lost World, Sonic is taken literally out of his mind, and it is supplanted with that of Mario’s mind instead. Supplantation is usually done through intrigue or underhanded tactics.

And Nintendo did just this.

Take a real hard look at this mother of an interview. And it’s a real MF. Read the whole thing first. And then point out the things that might, for the moment, sing the praises of “fuck you baka Sonic fan” over and over. And it’s going to happen just reading the damn thing.

Most of the interview are things that most of you 3 have already pointed out/discovered and processed in your minds, and are fully conscious about. But there are at least 2 things that click for me in this interview.

1 is this.

Takashi Iizuka: As we started the development before we knew about Wii U, basic action and story weren’t influenced. But as the touch panel and gyro-sensor on the GamePad was a very interesting feature, we decided to use them in Color Power.

This is not normal Sega behavior. While we have had many Sonic spinoffs on Wii and DS (mostly being that gay ass crossover), the main series Sonic titles that appeared on Wii and DS did not take full advantage (or any) of the gyro sensor of the Wii-mote or the touch screen of the DS. They’ve had this opportunity to experiment with Sonic Spinoffs and found they weren’t worth a damn to spend time on. Plenty of developers felt this way after about 3  years where Wii and DS games started being normal. Secret Rings was ass deep with motion controls, but the most you do in Black Knight was swing away with nothing else added. In Unleashed, you had the options to control Sonic with motion shit or normal controllers. In colors, the same rule applies. None of the DS Sonic games take any advantage of the touch screen functions, especially given both system received Colors. THe most you did was shake the controller to activate a wisp, but you controlled them with normal buttons. There is no touch control for the DS version.

Why do I say this? Because Sega had the opportunity to experiment with these “interesting” features and found they didn’t amount to shit, so they made games normally. NiGHTS into Dreams, Alien Syndrome, House of the Dead games, etc all had normal, customizable controls. All the Nintendo collaborations have all dat bullshit you don’t want.

This is important because right here, Iizuka is lying to you. The only time they were interesting was back in 2007 when everyone got their hands-on experience with it. Why would you find what is now “outdated” and factually undesirable tech as “interesting features” is anyone’s guess. But it shows that they really aren’t in control of the direction of this game. Nintendo’s job is to prove the potential of their hardware through software. Or so they believe with their idiotic “Hardware and Software” integration philosophy. So they must justify it’s presence through games. This wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t doing it with a franchise they don’t own.

Sega cares about hardware POWER, not hardware “features”. Most Sega games don’t even have DLC or online features outside of their MMOs (Phantasy Star). They only implement hardware features when they KNOW it will enhance the game in someway, rarely with any experimentation. Yes, even with Sonic.

Another quote, I feel, deserves some greater attention.

Takashi Iizuka: This game is like going into the rabbit hole in “Alice in the Wonderland”, an action game where you can experience many strange and fun experiences.

Alice in Wonderland!? That is the same shit Miyamoto said about Super Mario Bros. back in 2005! That certain key elements of Super Mario Bros. were derived from Alice in Wonderland. Sure, Miyamoto denies it now because he’s an arrogant bastard who hates that a certain blogger has him figured out, but there it is.

Why should you care? Because it more than ever confirms that Nintendo was turning Sonic into a Mario clone from the start. We only got bits and info like “wanting to cater to Mario fans”, but that only gave us theorizing material. RE6 was made to appeal to Call of Duty fans, but it’s not a full blown FPS. It just has somewhat more action than previous RE titles. It still looks….  Resident Evilish. No one would even guess that RE6 took cues from Call of Duty just by taking a gander at it’s content and level design.

With Lost Mind, it’s on full display. The insurmountable comparisons to Mario Galazy are here. No one denies them. We saw all the visual cues from level design, atmosphere, everything. Having villains inspired by Japanese demons is most unsettling as Sega usually takes inspiration from western mythology (because Japanese mythology sucks ass). Having a villain that looks slightly like Bowser is worrying. But saying Lost Mind is like taking a trip to Alice in Wonderland confirms it. The entire point of the game is subliminal content.

It’s a game of playing Captain Obvious to say Sonic’s Lost Mind is a Mario Galazy clone, but the question to ask now is “why?” Why would Nintendo desire turning Sonic into Mario? Would it be payback against a rival mascot to completely embarrass the franchise and the fans of that franchise to say “Sonic is our bitch, fanboys!”?

No, because Nintendo doesn’t have any negative stigma toward any video game franchise. They don’t care about any other video game franchise outside of their own.

Why would they turn Sonic into Mario Galazy? At the moment, only theory can give clarity.

I could theorize that deep down, Nintendo has a soft spot for all their creations that got lacking sales in comparison to games that actually sold. Pikmin 3 is evidence that supports the claim. Wind Breaker HD as well.

They must’ve taken a liking to Mario Galazy because we’ve a got a sequel with shit content. The first game, many would admit, is much more spectacle driven than it’s successor. Hell, I admit it. Watching even just the cutscenes was enough to say that they actually had something going. Bowser using cosmic powers to create his own galaxy to rule? Cool.

The sequel, however, was gameplay driven. Bowser’s plot was to grow several sizes, talk shit about “being huge”, talking like dudebro, and capturing peach again. It’s such an underwhelming successor in comparison. I feel, however, it is due to Miyamoto’s own silly assumptions of gameplay in response to the overwhelming success of NSMBW. He proclaims it is simply popular due to accessibility, and aims to correct this “oversight” with Galazy 2… via instructional dvd. It was insulting to all. And the game fell flat on it’s face in comparison to the first.

So now, Nintendo believes in the power of CONTENT…. exclusively in aesthetic terms. Since it’s been proven that people enjoy 2D Mario over 3D Mario (3 times), Nintendo’s devs were in the process of sabotaging 2D Mario to make people accept 3D Mario. By stagnating NSMB’s content to the point that their sequels are absolutely no different from the previous, they’ve successfully killed their own money maker in favor of ideology. Nintendo, however, believes that they can sell people on 3D Mario using the crappy aesthetic styles of the NSMB games. 3D Land and 3D World both use a similar style from NSMB in vain attempts to attract the NSMB crowd while killing NSMB.

It didn’t work the first time.

Looking at the performance of the Pii U for this past year, we can theorize that Nintendo is in desperation mode. I’ve never seen so many different bundles in such a short period of time. Nintendo Land bundles, NSMBU bundles, Wind Breaker HD bundle, Monster Hunter, whatever the fuck ZombiU is, and then NSMBU plus an extra game, Super Luigi U, all in under a year.  I don’t recall any console other than maybe the PS360s that had several bundles in under one year, but goddamn if this ain’t desperate. Probably the assumption that bundles will help inflate sales and generate momentum. Even though bundles didn’t work for 360 or PS3, because Amma knows there’s a FUCK TON of them, what makes Nintendo believe it would work for them? Nintendo only had 5 bundles, one of which (Wii Sports Resort) did nothing for. Quality games sell consoles and bundles, not it’s inclusion overall.

But see, there is a true conflict of interests. While there is a desire to sell the console, there is no desire to make games that truly sell the console. Pikmin 3 was touted as this “savior” to ressurect interest in Pii U, but it has become a ghost town of itself. We’ve heard nothing about it since it’s release. We hear nothing about Wind Breaker HD besides piddly justifications of why it was made. And man are they silent about Nintendo Land. Puppet ass Link more embarrassing than Toon Link? Oh yes, extremely. We have a Yoshi Yarn for no fucking reason beyond “Hey, the internet liked that shitty Kirby game we made, so lets make another Yoshi game that will be forgotten for no reason other than being gay”. Nintendo wishes to continue it’s endless spree of intricacy-driven ambitions. But in the face of facts that people don’t want that bullshit, they play dirty to make sure you accept it. They’ll sabotage any other series or developer (Retro) and defy the wishes of many if it means they get to play God. And you WILL submit to their will, lest they stop making games overall.

And that’s where Sonic’s Lost Mind comes in.

Nintendo WANTS you to accept Mario Galazy, because it is something they feel is what has to exist if they are to feel comfortable as game designers. But they know Mario Galazy is perceived as inferior to 2D Mario, so they go out and leverage the Sonic series to do their bidding. I’ve said in the beginning that Nintendo was desperate to get exclusivity for a series with it’s own problems selling, but I had no idea of their level of insanity. Putting in undesirable gameplay in an undesirable series with virtually no appeal left is completely illogical and goes against everything Nintendo knows about good business.

If there’s anything Nintendo has over Sega, it’s business sense. Sega makes quality games but is absolutely shit at marketing and needed the assistance of “BAKA GAIJINS” to become a household name. Nintendo needs no further help in that department. I am shitting vomit at their insanity right now. It’s unthinkable that Nintendo would lose all sense of business sense to leech on Sonic’s name to sell shitty gameplay. They literally transformed the face of Sonic for the chance to make a Galazy 3. Somehow, they thought that Sonic was still popular with the kids and thought that maybe…just maybe…. they can teach the Sonic fans to accept Mario Galazy’s gameplay since their OWN Mario fans have rejected it.

Is this Nintendo’s idea of “expanded audience”? No, it’s their idea of EXPENDABLE audience! If their own fanbase is rejecting their idiocy, then they can leech off the idiocy of Sonic fans since it is they who do not know what Sonic is “about”. In some half-baked concept that Sonic’s gameplay had to be fixed (it was merely put aside, not broken in itself), they have accepted, without skepticism or protest, the sup-plantation of one franchise staple in favor of another. ……….Or…. perhaps those were Nintendo’s viral marketing assholes masquerading as idiotic Sonic fans on The Sonic Stadium as usual, just to silence dissent.

Whatever the case, this collaboration is nothing more than video game colonialism disguised as a partnership. And not to establish dominance or use as a valuable resource, but just so they could continue working on their awful intricacy showcases. Why not make an entirely new franchise and leave the shit I still like the fuck alone!? Instead of transforming old franchises into your personal sideshow circuses where nothing makes any goddamn sense, you could make something completely new to justify your bad gameplay.

Because new IPs are risky? What balls they had making shit ass Pikmin!

We need no theory to establish why Sega would allow this if they knew anything about branding because we know they don’t give a rats ass about Sonic the Hedgehog. The question is why they don’t sell it to a competent western dev that knows and loves the franchise? Well, Sega has no eye for talent, so they’d probably hand it over to someone like… EA so they can fuck it up like they did Time Splitters  Future Perfect. But then, Sega’s not that stupid. If Sega sold Sonic, Sega would have lost the meaning of their existence. Sonic IS Sega and Sega IS Sonic. People around the internet would piss and moan because Sega’s other franchises aren’t as well known, who gives a shit? When you say a company’s name, ONE singular product comes to mind. When you say Marvel, you see Wolverine, when you say Disney, you see Mickey Mouse. When you say Capcom, you see Street Fighter….  or Mega… yeah street fighter. When you say Tecmo, you see titties.

Can you SEE Sega without Sonic!? Hell naw! Sega cannot sell Sonic without good reason (bankruptcy). Sega needs to accept that Sonic defined them. That Tom Kalinske defined them. That they are terrible business people. That Sammy is a cancerous leech. That they need to stop being greedy assholes and give me my goddamn PSO2!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS IT!? I NEED MY SURREAL SPACE EXPLORER FIX GODDAMMIT!

This is most unacceptable. The Sonic series can only be saved by relinquishing it from Sega’s grasp. Unfortunately, the industry is full of idiots like them, choosing the right person to hold the torch is no easy task. Especially seeing as many of them admire Nintendo to the point that they will allow those sociopaths to take advantage of them and their properties. They’re feeding Sega bad advice from all directions, only so that THEY can feel stable in doing as they please.

At this point, however, I can truly say that Sonic is a dead franchise. There are no possible solutions to salvage it, sales continue to decline, and with Nintendo extending their tentacles around the Blue bastard, Sonic won’t have an identity to call it’s own. Best thing for it is to get it the fuck away from Nintendo, but that won’t happen so long as Sega wants their italian sausage.

Now, i’ve just watched vids where Sonic…. is rolling around in Chicken machines where this white boy was saying it was “creative”. That’s the first red flag.

Then, in the next level, Sonic is being chased by sentient fruit, which is also one where you have to turn apples into urinated geysers. There’s a snow level where you’re a bowling ball for the entirety of it, there’s a desert world where the majority of time is spent in candy and a tree which makes no goddamn sense. There’s also a snow level that isn’t a snow level and is really a giant casino which equally makes no sense, no consistency within the Zone themes.

……….They really don’t give a fuck… at all, do they? I mean when are Sonic fans gonna wake up and realize just how badly they’re getting fucked by this company. I’m already hearing that they’re pissed off at IGN for giving this piece of shit a low score, because IGN has some sort of obligation to Japanese companies, right? I mean someone like me isn’t supposed to judge the game because I’ve never played it, but a company that’s PAID to play these games gets shit anyway because it’s not praise.

But either way, Sonic’s Lost Mind is not only the greatest embarrassment to Sonic fans and developers, it’s also the laziest Sonic game ever created. With all of it’s intricate splendor of game rules and shitty mechanics like turning into chicken mechs and snowballs, there’s also the time-tested nintendo rules of laziness that has been standardized within the company that, if Sega becomes to comfortable, will completely KILL the Sonic franchise faster than Iizuka could alone.

And there’s no better indicator than shit content. For one. The Lost Hex. What is this world? What is it’s significance to Robotnik’s plans? We are told that the Lost Hex is an “undiscovered” continent.

…….First off, this ain’t no damn continent. It looks like a jacked up moon. Shit, lets go to Mars and call that bitch Australia or something, the only aliens found would be US! Does that look like a continent to you? like a giant land mass surrounded by water? Sure, we’ll take Angel Island’s bullshit, but that looks like a continent.

Lost Hex is just some “undiscovered” world which gives the designers an excuse to not give it any history or mythology. Many Sonic games took place in a setting that had some significance OR uniqueness to the world itself. Little Planet fo r instance is a star that travels around Mobius (fuck Earth) every once a year and always seems to be in temporal flux thanks to the Time Stones. This would explain why it looks like Robotnik had already taken over when viewing the cartoon intro and bad ending even though when you get into the place, it seems about normal until Act 3 (if you didn’t Sankofa beforehand). Westside Island had the mythology surrounding the “mysterious stone” that ancient civilizations had worshipped before being wiped out for some unknown reason (this stone was infact the 7th Emerald). Robotnik goes here to get it. He also goes to South Island to get the other 6 emeralds. Space Colony Ark for the Eclipse Cannon. We already know about Angel Island’s Master Emerald and how it housed Perfect Chaos, the god of destruction whom destroyed Knuckles’s ancestors for the greed and lust for power.

Hell, any setting Sonic and the gang go to had some sort of significance and necessity for Robotnik’s master plans. Instead, for Lost Hex, he just goes here to build a machine to suck out energy from Mobius, I assume. The Zeti, whom he enslaves, also have no purpose or utility toward Robotnik’s plans given their ability to control magnetic waves is never put to use. Hell, going back to Sonic Colors, enslaving the Wisps was essential to Robotnik’s plan of creating a mind control device. Here, he’s just an ass who takes them prisoner for no real reason other than some minor confrontation in that comic. They have no significance toward Robotnik’s master plan of building a giant robot.

So… why… the fuck… are they on the Lost Hex? 

Reason being… it’s less work for the developers. See, everything about the Lost Hex and the Zeti spells lazy ass. Just looking at the design of many of the game’s opening acts spell random and sloppily thrown together designs. Why are many of the acts comprised of disjointed spaghetti lines!? Why is there a wall of water in Tropical Coast Act 1… that I cannot enter without being in a drill formation? See, Iizuka had already admitted that he and the rest of his ass buddies were going to be lazy on the game under the premise that you will now be able to see rings more clearly(Haha). But this laziness extends to the actual level design itself. Disjointed platforms and squiggly lines, tiny spherical platforms, straight lined tubes, the works. The look of worlds make the game feel like it takes place in the skies, above the clouds. Especially with all the smaller, floating islands and spheres you have to go through. What, is Lost Hex such a fucked up place that the very fabric of space, physics and geography are suspended for the sake of Chaos to roam? We don’t know, it’s just there. And everything takes place in the sky despite there being evidence of land on the surface.

This wouldn’t be so bad…. if they didn’t make a SKY ZONE! Lost Hex already takes place far above the damn planet and many of the worlds are up in the sky itself, no. There just HAD to be an area in the clouds right there with Iizuka’s head. Not just that, but a goddamn retread level! See, a retread level is where they take bits and parts of  previous levels to make up some sort of final level persay. The ultimate in lazy design, and something that Hideaki Kamiya seems to be a fan of considering every mother fucking Devil May Cry game and Bayonetta seem to be ass deep in! But to add insult to injury, it’s not even the final level, it’s a goddamn filler! And with Zavok as it’s main boss. If you ask me, it would make more sense for Zavok to be in the Fire Zone considering he has a DRAGON MECH and looks like the Christian Devil, but no, he’s been relagated to the fucking retread level that takes place before the only cool looking zone in the whole game.

The hexagonal shaping of the landmass was done just so they can have an easier time designing a world map. It’s not difficult to draw stage select screens on a map comprised of small hexagon shapes. How lazy is that shit!? Sure, it’s not any work to make maps on Sonic Colors, just a bunch of lines with no defining landmarks on the maps themselves, but damn.

Sega is getting too much like Nintendo. I know the game was published by those fuckers, but they took nintendo’s laziness and multiplied it by six.

Not only is the design of the game lazy, but it also screams desperate too. See, many of the game’s Acts are comprised of very inconsistent levels. Nothing seems to have a central theme beyond the first level. See, games like Sonic 3 had Acts that varied in atmosphere and environments, but they maintained a consistent theme. Hydrocity Act 1 looks like a regular sewer system, but Act 2 looks and feels like some ancient ruins. Ice Cap, Act 1 takes place mostly in a cavern at night, but Act 2 goes outside in daylight. Mushroom Hill is mostly a springtime place, but Act 2 the land is being drained. Sandopolis Act 1 is a desert with quicksand. Act 2 is inside a Pyramid with ghosts and lights as their gimmicks. Lava Reef Act 1 is mostly a volcano, but Act 2 feels like some mines with gemstone ore is being generated.

While they are different, they maintain a consistent theme within each act. There is no extreme change in your environment when progressing to the next, which has been a staple of the series up until SA2. Why the fuck am I moving from a desert… to a tree with beehives…. to a goddamn gourmet dimension with diabetic delights floating around the space!?

Because fat fuck Zeti likes food!? Please.

And a Frozen factory that holds a Casino is confusing as well. Were they so desperate to shove in as much nostalgia as possible just to say “we care about you classicfags!” Nostalgia without Context. Generations had context. They were traveling through time which game them an excuse to remake all the levels from past games and bring them to the forefront. That’s nostalgia WITH context. The context of time distortion gave way for nostalgia to flourish. Lost Hex is “new” and “undiscovered”, and has no reason for a Casino to exist on the planet seeing as the Zeti aren’t smart enough to run a business, and there doesn’t seem to be any form of life on the Lost Moon besides them.

And what of the Zeti do we know or care to know? We just know that they’re a “fabled” race that live on Lost Hex. Why are they “fabled”? Why would Robotnik go through the trouble of enslaving them if he never put them to good use beyond catching animals?

I know it’s the mark of an amateur to explain everything, but why make these…. “things” the main selling point of the game if you explain NOTHING about them? I mean say what you will about the giant Kaijuu monsters of the week, but we KNOW a little something something about them beyond inexplicable motives to destroy the world. Chaos is a GOD of destruction who punished Knuckles’s ancestor for being dicks and is angered by the world as a result. The Black Arms feel that humans are a sinful breed fit for nothing more than to be a good supply for their race. Mephiles is a being that became psychotic from scientic experiments gone wrong. Gerald Robotnik and Shadow wanted revenge against humanity for the death of a little girl. Not only that, but we know WHY they are important. Solaris is a god worshipped by a cult, Dark Gaia is an evil god that fought against Light Gaia (or that mogwai that loves chocolate), Shadow is “the Ultimate Lifeform” with alien blood, Chaos is a water god feared by forgotten civilizations, etc.

These villains have DEFINITION. They have CLARITY. They have defined motivations for why they’re assholes. The Zeti HAD Robotnik’s illogical and dickish enslavement, but they go nowhere with it. They aren’t important to anyone or anything. They have no significance in the world, and the worst part is that they have to rely on someone else’s tech just to be an actual threat to the world. Mephiles at least got an on-screen kill against the fastest thing alive with no work needed. I WANT someone to come in here and justify the necessity for the Zeti to use Robotnik’s tech.

Nothing in this game makes sense except the nicknames we give it. When you say someone has completely lost their mind, it’s implying that someone is mentally ill or behaving in a strange way. What’s strange? Completely Unusual. Not an expectation. Differing from the norm. As though the game were some desperate attempt to be completely different. That is the essence of a Lost Mind.

Nintendo ditching the Wii strategy to go after the HD crowd shows they’re out of their minds because they had a winning strategy going. Capcom ramping up on DLC to help their money troubles show they’re out of their minds because DLC was the reason people were AGAINST Capcom in the first place. Turning Sonic into Mario shows that Sega is out of their minds because Sonic’s claim to fame was being in direct competition to Mario.

And believe it or not, not having a console doesn’t automatically stop that from being the case. Turning Metroid into an FPS put it in competition with other FPS’s at the time like Halo, especially Halo. Creating the Kinect or Move put them in competition with the Wii motion controller. Turning RE6 into a action shoot em up puts it in competition with games like Gears of War or what not. What do you think turning Sonic into Mario Galazy do? Put it in competition with Mario Galazy. Hell, anyone putting games on a Nintendo console is in direct competition with Nintendo anyway, because they need to battle them for fans on their own turf. And the only company successful enough to battle Nintendo on their turf was Capcom with the Street Fighters and the Resident Evils. Why? Because Capcom put out quality shit to meet Nintendo halfway.

All these dumb asses going around saying “well Sega doesn’t have a console to compete against Nintendo” are spraying hot air. Sega not being in the business of selling consoles doesn’t mean they weren’t competing with Nintendo until now. This idiotic frenzy of pairing Nintendo and Sega together is nothing more than a power play for Nintendo to grab up more franchises to leech off of. It’s effectively removing competition on the software side and accumulating that power into their hands.

At the same time, this power play will DESTROY Sonic. If you make it nothing more than a Mario clone personified, then people will have LOST any reason to maintain interest in the franchise. You think people don’t give a fuck about Sonic now, just wait until the paid off metacritic shit rolls in. Sega will be so psyched by the fake good reviews that they will kill whatever is left of Sonic’s foundation.

Why? Well, why play Sonic if it’s going to be JUST like Mario? People will gravitate toward Mario and not even gleen at Sonic. It’s technically the same experience in a less popular franchise that is infamous for 2 bad games, attached to a company that actively flips you off these days. People pretend Sunshine didn’t happen because Nintendo hasn’t gone completely rogue like Sega.

At this point, the uncool and completely illogical content of Sonic’s Lost Mind will keep potential buyers at bay if the crap appeal of Pii U hasn’t done that already. Hell, that will be everyone’s excuse for why Lost Mind didn’t sell by the time February comes around.

This was done at the request of an apparent pussy who doesn’t like obvious bullshit being described in quote…. “derogatory terms”

There is no greater proof in the fabric of our broken universe that could describe the level of “no(censored)togivery” of Sega’s handling of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise…. than this game. In spite of all the (censored) hype, we see for ourselves the extent of false advertising Nintendo and Neo Sega have cooked up for us. What is this specialty dish? Something that delivers flavor amnesia. It is the most hollow dish ever cooked up. If Suge Knight ran the gaming industry, caps would fly in the direction of Ota Tokyo, Japan itself. No further proof is needed beyond its very plot.

I think it would be a waste of time describing the gameplay seeing as it’s already being dissected and berated. When the very people who anticipated the so-called “greatness” of Lost Mind’s gameplay turn around and criticize the gameplay, you know it’s (censored).

Thinking of Lost Mind’s story, the only thought that comes to mind is…

There is no point. It is only there to cause you pain. So much pain, my mind split in 2, and now I hear a voice in my head that tries to destroy my sanity.

Oh please, Heru! I am only your conscience trying to make you see the light!

Watching Lost Mind’s movie is like getting Eiffel tower’d by imbecilic Japanese designers who haven’t the vaguest clues as to whatever the concept of Cohesion is. There are so many unexplained behaviors and plot points that, as typical of Japanese writing, leaves the audience in a state of stuper wondering if they had witnessed something anime-ish… or something Iron Man 2-ish.

Oh Come on Heru! Do you really think the story is that bad?

It’s been a good 24 hours and I still don’t know what the (censored) is going on with this plot. All I know is Robotnik wants to drain energy from the Earth to make a giant robot he could easily make without any real effort. The question is WHY!?

Robotnik just wanted to conquer the planet! Perhaps he needed to make a powerhouse robot to get er done!

You nearly wipe out the planet, risk 6 psychopaths destroying the planet and all just so you can make a slightly more powerful robot. For all the talks of Robotnik being “epic”, he sure is too smart by half. Why not use Chaos Emeralds, the Master Emerald, or just… you know, BUILD one from scratch if the most you’ll do with it is make a giant robot?

Robotnik would have the plot of draining the planet’s energy to…. reduce the world’s natural resources and collect the remaining amount for himself to create reservoirs of fresh water and food where the denizens of the planet would come to him and serve him if it meant getting something to eat and drink. Silly Sankofa.

Does he do that? (Censored) no, he dumps that (censored) into a giant robot and thinks “Well, I’ll just conquer the world this way!”

So what?

So what!? Robotnik’s character is (censored) because his actions are excessive, unnecessary, and puts the planet at risk for no apparent reason other than to make a giant robot to beat Sonic and conquer the world in an irrational method. I mean, why choose the Lost Hex as a region to build an energy drainer? What’s so special about the Lost Hex itself?

………Anyone? Any ideas?

Well, it’s… just some remote location that’s not affected by the drain machine. And he would just turn it into another Planet Wisp, all slaved up and (beep).

However, he keeps talking about how unstable it is. That’s a giant red flag that Robotnik is a (censored) idiot. If it’s unstable, the risks for completely destroying the world are very high. Then there’d be nothing left to conquer. And what if Cubot got a hold of it and decided to juice himself up because dat (censored) be kickin? And why does Cubot sound like Bert and Ernie!?

Despite the fact that it appears to be operating at 100% capacity, if the machine is that dangerous, and there’s no apparent contingency plan, Robotnik would have been responsible for destroying the world all for the sake of trying to conquer it. This seems to be a trope of Robotnik’s plans in every game. He’s always risking the world trying to conquer it. And then justify the necessity to team up with Sonic every time shows his level of incompetence. WHERE’S DA (bleep)ING EPICNESS!? This guy has the dumbest plan in the whole universe of plans and plandoms!

And why bring the Zeti into this?

Well, building a machine in Lost Hex might’ve caused suspicion and they were probably trying to chase him away because……he was suspicious?

But there is no context to explain how these 2 met. We just know that Robotnik controls them with an Ocarina and forces them to round up small animals. Why?

……Because he needs a robot army comprised of badniks.

……Wait…

*waiting*

Why is he going back to using Badniks!? He had superior robots from Sonic Heroes all the way up to Colors. He could build highly advanced war machines with much more deadly fire power and diabolical weapons….. FROM SCRATCH! Why does he need to capture animals for Badniks when he’s shown the capacity to build them all from scratch?

…….Because nostalgia. The game was meant to harken back to the good ol’…..

But it’s Nostalgia without Context! It has no consistency with previous entries which this game is taking place after. It connects to Colors which connects to Unleashed, a game where Robotnik had a (beep)ing armada of war machines, and a weapon capable of decimating an ENTIRE PLANET! He surpassed the capacity to create the Eclipse Cannon! Why would he go back to using outdated tech that Sonic’s had plenty of experience destroying when Sonic is at the border of being an omnipotent warrior!? If an army of iron soldiers could not take him down, why create an army of Badniks!?

……Because that’s what the Zeti are for. It’s the job of the Badniks to create a large army for Robotnik to conquer the world, while the Zeti must kill Sonic.

…….Why does he need a Badnik army?

…..To rule the world with an iron fist!

An army is made to defend a home turf. Or to invade other worlds.

Right, right.

But if Robotnik is draining the life of the planet, wouldn’t that kill most of the denizens of the planet? It renders any potential resistence effort pointless because their resources would be severely reduced. So without much life…

But he only wanted to borrow the energy, not drain the life out of the planet

But the machine is also unstable, meaning it could (beep) up at any moment.

uh…

And even then, wouldn’t it be smarter to use the Zeti’s natural powers of manipulating magnetic fields or w/e the (beep) they said to try to make them sound cool…. to shut down any power sources the denizens might have, radar systems, weapon counter systems or some kinds of awesome (beep) to render the entire planet defenseless and ripe for conquering!

But the planet draining machine does that already.

But at a greater risk of DESTROYING the planet!? The other idea is less resource draining.

OH the hell with it! Look, even if Robotnik did all that, Sonic would ruin his plans like always.

So why lure Sonic to a location where he’s most likely to ruin Robotnik’s plans anyway?

Um… so the Zeti could kill them?

And why does he need the Zeti to kill Sonic when it’s been proven that even 2 gods (Chaos and Gaia) were no match for him!?

Because Robotnik’s uh….

Stupid as he hasn’t learned from past mistakes, or that the Japanese get caught up in tropes and formulas? They’ve made Robotnik the biggest retard in the entire game!

But it works out better this way because the Zeti have a “personal” reason to betray Robotnik rather than jut deceiving him, which makes the relation between them more tense.

So why do the Zeti no longer care about Robotnik and instead obsess over Sonic?

Because he’s kicking their butts, that’s why!

And why is Sonic fighting them when Robotnik no longer controls them?

Because they decided to use the life draining machine to make themselves extra powerful

What for?

I guess to compensate for being beaten by Badniks?

But they were beaten by an Ocarina. Robotnik caused them pain using a musical instrument. That’s embarrassing alone, but now that he is without it, they can focus all their frustrations on himself. They can control his badniks and pretty much crush them with no effort because he is defenseless. Why waste time with that damn machine!?

Well I guess it’s because Robotnik has a bodyguard in Sonic.

Whazzat?

Sonic and Robotnik make a deal with each other to help stop the Zeti from using the life draining machine.

But if they weren’t using the machine….

Then Sonic and Robotnik wouldn’t need to team up.

If they wanted to pay Robotnik back for all that suffering, couldn’t they just go kill him at that moment and not use the machine?

But they wanted more power!

What for!? They’re powerful enough without that (beep).

Oh, and you criticized the naysayers of Gun toting Shadow?

(beep) you man. All I’m saying is their current motive is revenge against Robotnik. But they move on and say “well we want more power just because”.

Well, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts abs-

Oh shut the (beep) up with that gay (beep)!

Besides, they also want to destroy the planet itself to get back at Robotnik.

And that solves nothing because Robotnik would still be in their world messing things up. What if he found that Ocarina again? They would be screwed.

……Good point.

And later on, they completely forget about Robotnik and obsess over Sonic, wanting to turn him into a robot sex slave. What would be the point of that?

…….I don’t know, I guess they needed to create some sort of motivation for Sonic to fight against them.

But the Zeti have no real beef with Sonic. It was all due to Robotnik’s enslavement that they were after him. Now they’re obsessed with him?

Maybe they want a bodyguard to keep Robotnik away?

They could’ve killed him by now!

So what are you trying to say?

The Zeti are the biggest dumbasses in the story. Bigger than Robotnik and Modern Knuckles! These are the (beep)wits Nintendo and Sega tried to hype up as deadly threats!? They’re a goddamn joke!

Well, you never had high hopes for them in the first place.

That doesn’t mean they have to fall further than the depths of Anpu’s underworld below my expectations! I had no idea how accurate I was when I described them as “6 deadly retards”. They lived up to my insults pretty well!

It would’ve been better if they just focused on trying to beat up Robotnik, which would give their actions of doing evil crap more weight and generate sympathy for their cause. Sympathetic villains are pretty (beep)ing popular, or are Shadow the Hedgehog, Gerald Robotnik, or (beep)ing MAGNETO of X-Men just all figments of our imaginations!? Instead, they just do (beep) and piss everyone off, try to make robot sex slaves out of Sonic and Tails, and try to murder people over the desire for power. Why!?

Because they’re dicks?

WORKS FOR YOU, DOESN’T IT!? I mean, think about the scene where Robotnik punishes them with the horn, you see them writhing in pain, and the music plays off that this is a horrible act of abuse on Robotnik’s part. It’s a scene that’s supposed to invoke sympathy. But once they’re free, they decide “well, lets just kill everyone”, who wants to feel sympathy for these bastards? They justify their own enslavement and abuse making Robotnik the lesser of 2 evils! Damn this is some bad plot!

I see. Your main problem is how the villains are portrayed. Well, the good guys should be in a better position.

Well, no.

Are you pissed that Knuckles isn’t relevant again.

Actually, I’m glad he sat this one out, along with that annoying (beep) Amy. I don’t have to see him derailed 20x more than usual, and I don’t have to hear her voice for the majority of the game. But his screen time is so low, he’s invisible. His voice actor must be underpaid as all hell.

But they got Sonic and Tails right. ….Right?

Don’t get me started on them. It was bad enough they were both hyper smart asses, but I think Tails’s change in behavior was awful.

What!? You’re kidding right? You always complained about how much of a pussy he is in the games. But here, he takes charge and kicks enemy ass!

Yeah, all after the fact. Tails’s behavior has no cohesion whatsoever. First off, his distrust in Robotnik, while warranted, is actually not based on suspicions of loyalty or past experience in knowing that Robotnik is a deceptive little (beep) bird, but because….. he was jealous!?

Well, how would you feel if your best friend trusted a known enemy who had been trying to kill you both from the start?

Why didn’t Tails mention that BEFORE they made the alliance?

Maybe he didn’t think about it before.

But since he went along with it so calmly up until he had to fix a voice chip, his sudden outburst makes very little sense.

Well they were rivals back in Sonic Adventure 2.

Like that has anything to do here. I mean hell, he’s making Sonic look more mature and rational than ANYONE in the series thus far.

Well, why IS Sonic so calm when he knows Robotnik as well as anyone else?

Sonic is just as stupid as Modern Knuckles. He falls for Robotnik’s BS just as much as anyone.

Sonic OVA

AOSTH

SATam

Few times in Archie.

SA2

S06

Unleashed (His Super Form for (beep) sake)

Generations

His mind was already lost with this game.

Then again, he was disgusted with the thought of working with Robotnik.

But….he agrees to a truce with no hesitation.

Well, that gives Tails the purpose of being the voice of reason as always, right? He reasons that trusting Robotnik is bad mojo.

But he does so for unreasonable factors. Why does he suddenly feel that Sonic doesn’t trust him after like…. 12 (beep)ing games!? He’s proven himself a million times the world over that he is an asset to Sonic. Not only that, but they’ve teamed up with Robotnik several times in previous titles and he’s NEVER had this issue before. What makes now so special?

But in those games, they teamed up in desperate times, so-

Don’t give me that bull(beep). Past experience said any truce made between Sonic and Robotnik was always for a better end. Robotnik and Knuckles…….not so much. Tails had nothing to worry about given previous experiences, making now completely contradictory to continuity. Why? To give Tails a bigger role?

It would appear so.

So they forced some random plot of envy just so Tails wouldn’t be extra baggage? Well aren’t they kind.

But you’re always complaining that the other characters don’t do anything while Sonic is around, so now you’re complaining that he has some relevance to the plot?

That wouldn’t be so bad if the element wasn’t just shoved in as though it were an afterthought. There ARE good and bad ways to give characters a role in a story. Sonic and Robotnik’s roles……somewhat make sense as their alliance is the main point of the plot. Tails is…. mostly just there again to help out like always. If you wanted Tails to have a bigger role, you need to start AT THE BEGINNING of the (beep)ing game! You don’t just set up a plot point in the middle of the story that is

1. Inconsistent with the character.

2. Inconsistent with previous games

3. Lacks any logical reasoning behind said plot point.

It should be well known that Sonic trusts the ever loving (beep) out of Tails to point of Broken backs!

Well there was the scene where he turned Cubot into a crab. And that was a mistake.

Refer to #1. Tails is NEVER crap with technology. This random act of idiocy where he turns Cubot into a battle crab that just up and attacks him for no reason is completely out of character.

1. Tails would’ve known the ramifications of putting Cubot’s head onto a battle crab because he had already STUDIED the damn robot when trying to inspect his voice chip.

2. Tails has had enough experience trashing Badniks to study those bastards as well to know if it was a good idea or not to make Cubot a battleroid.

That is a forced element! And why is there!? To have Sonic berate Tails for nearly getting himself killed, potentially having Tails doubt himself and his abilities, questioning if he’s an asset or a liability to Sonic… that kind of (beep)

Oh, so it’s a good forced element?

Hell naw, they don’t take that (beep) anywhere. After all that, Tails is captured because Sonic knocked his ass into a trap.

And I find this funny because Sonic doesn’t notice 2 things. When he says “I wasn’t fast enough to save him”, he forgets

1. He knocked him into the trap.

2. Acknowledging Tails for saving his sorry ass.

#2 bothers me because it gives credence to Tails’s suspicions that Sonic probably doesn’t respect or care about his abilities, but throughout the rest of the game, he cries like a girl about Tails being in danger. He only acknowledges his mistakes when he does something to screw up Robotnik’s plans, but with Tails, he doesn’t even think he did anything wrong.

So…. so Tails was right all along?

…….Holy (beep), it’s so poorly written, IT’S (BEEP)ING! GENIUS!!!!

Ok, so back to Tails…

Ok…. why, when the 6 deadly retards discover that they caught the wrong guy in their trap, did Tails not attempt to escape when they were all arguing with each other? He just sits there looking pissed off.

……I don’t know.

You wouldn’t. Ok, after that, at the end, the Zeti appear with Tails looking like Wolf o Donnell, he attacks and beats back the Zeti long enough for Sonic to finish the job.

Yeah! Wasn’t that awesome!?

Mmmm… Kinda…

Oh what now!?

You remember when Robotnik said that the Zeti could manipulate yadda yadda and cause any kind of electronics do “interesting things”?

Uh… yeah?

…..Why don’t they do that?

Do what?

Use those powers against Tails?

Because Tails isn’t a Robot!

But his tech is still electronic.

Yes?

So, if the Zeti weren’t so retarded, couldn’t they have just turned Tails’s weapons against himself and Sonic, possibly causing some form of mind-controlled suicide?

Isn’t that a bit gruesome for the children?

…….Don’t make me respond to that, I’m getting quite tired of writing this damn post!

So is that a bad part on Tails or the Zeti?

No, just more plot induced stupidity, I suppose.

Well, the Japanese version might be a little different.

I don’t give a (beep) about the Japanese version, ain’t nobody except the nerds gonna import this bitch just to find out how different the international storylines are.

Wait a minute. I think you complained more about Plot holes rather than a lack of cohesion.

What’s the difference? All I know is this game’s story makes less sense than Colors did.

How the (beep) does Colors not make sense!?

Why does Robotnik keep making theme parks?

Oh, we’ve been through this Heru! Robotnik’s theme parks are fronts for him to make money and fund his technological conquests! And the theme park in Colors!? We’ve been through this already too! It’s a front so that no one knows that Robotnik enslaved an entire alien civilization to use their powers and create a mind control device and take over the world!

I rest my case.

Wait… what?

I said less sense than Colors. I don’t know why he would need aliens to make a mind control device considering his prowess in creating a machine that can BEAT SUPER SONIC but when you look at the overall picture and the end result, Colors’s plot makes more sense than Lost Mind’s plot. It’s terribly written on all accounts, and it’s too kiddy, but it makes more sense than Lost Mind. Lost Mind is the epitome of nonsensical plots. The alpha and Omega of stupidity. Not only did they ruin Knuckles, but they dropped the ball hard on Tails with just one title. And the old Zeti uses fruit to fight Sonic.

So what?

Oh, no reason, just thought it was gay. This story just…. ugh…

Wait, wouldn’t that prove that Japanese writers can make a better story than western writers at times?

You just said that because Shadow did.

But he’s right though.

(beep) off!

But at least they got Sonic right! And that was their main goal with the game!

You know, it’s funny you say that because I thought getting a character “right” was to improve his overall presentation, NOT UNDERMINE EVERY OTHER MOTHER (beep)ER JUST TO ACHIEVE IT!

And besides that…. Sonic is the screwup, and we’re told by the (beep)TY WRITERS that “just because someone is a screwup doesn’t mean they’re stupid. It’s how they fix their screw ups that prove if they’re a hero!”

And how did that work out?

Sonic doesn’t fix anything.

…….What?

Yeah, he basically does what Samus did in Other M and pretty much just beat up random people, while everyone else actually solves the problems. Tails pretty much solves all the problems in the game. Sonic is just the brawn.

….Well… I mean…

Shut up, stupid voice! Sonic is in role reversal mode where he’s now the useless one. His entire purpose was to fix his mistakes, but he doesn’t fix anything! Tails saves himself and the whole world. 2 of Sonic’s problems.

GREAT JOB ASSHOLES! Sonic’s big moment of character development and/or purpose of the story is REVOKED by Tails! You know what that means? Any character in the Sonic universe who is an asshole will always be the hero! What GREAT morales you are teaching todays youth! Sonic becomes a pussy and he’s now useless. Tails is the jackass and becomes the hero.

Huh… that did happen huh?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS GAME AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THE CENSORSHIP!

Well, that spoiler I got was a half-truth it seems, but man, this shit they got in Lost Mind is just tacky writing all over the place.

Here are all the scenes from Sonic’s Lost Mind to save you money.

This thing had me going for a while. I was thinking “Well, they got Sonic right I think. They probably took a few tips from SATam and Sonic Underground. You know, shows with GOOD WRITERS for once”. And then they proceed to shit all over that by forcing a sense of “despair” and desperation into his very soul.

Ok, lets go by the numbers.

1. DROP THE CRITTERS EGGMAN! WHOA! THAT’S HARSH!

2. Knuckles is once again shafted by Amy. Oh, and they become completely irrelevant for the entirety of the game. Fuck it, they aren’t even in the game.

3. Why is Robotnik’s new base completely in the dark with a few spotlights?

4. I like how the game pretends we have no idea who the Zeti are by obscuring them behind shadowy silhouettes. We’ve had like a million trailers for them, but you’re acting like we just met.

5. Wow Tails, Sonic only asked if the damn plane was fixed, no need to be a smart ass about it.

6. Hah, music hurts them. Puss ass Zeti.

7. Oh look, they took the machine from Sonic 3K Mushroom Hill Zone which drains the planet of it’s energy. But it’s “Unstable”.

8. He smacked Sonic with a goddamn sandwich….

9. The cutscene every X’er grew moist on where Sonic says “GONE” and the retards go wild.

10. Wait… something doesn’t add up. Zavok lamented that Robotnik would be destroying the world by using that machine…. but decides to use it anyway to make him and his friends uber as shit!?

Or wait… he wanted to destroy it all along, but drops that plan and decides to make himself stronger anyway……. bah I don’t get this shit…

11. TEAM UP!

12. You’re kidding right? Did they actually try to squeeze in some envy plot for Tails? He just randomly thinks Sonic trusts Robotnik more than himself to turn off the machine. And he’s quite bitchy about this for like… 1 more cutscene and then it’s completely dropped.

13. Robotnik’s lack of emotion while using his “SHOCK VALUE” dialogue to curse out Zavok in the snow is amusing. I mean really, it’s like Pontac took some tips from Deadpool’s game and thought internet commentary was good source material. Sonic and Tails literally say “WHOA” when Robotnik says “I’ll get fat from eating your Black Hearts!” That scene alone was just painful to watch.

14. So, Tails gets bitchy again and turns Cubot into a crab, gets attacked, and then has Sonic berate him. Yep, I fucking hate this story.

Tails fucking up with technology is the most forced element in the whole damn game. Especially for a side plot that literally goes nowhere for the rest of the game.

15. Haha, Sonic smacked Tails right into a trap! I like how Sonic laments that “he wasn’t fast enough” to save Tails even though it was by his own hand that Tails is screwed.

16. It’s a trap they had no interaction with, Zavok. You can’t fault them for Tails getting caught, and not Sonic. I like how Tails just sits there doing nothing but looking pissed off. He doesn’t even ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE!

17. So now Sonic is overly dramatic because Tails is not present. I really love how forced this all feels. And now Zavok wants to roboticize Tails. THE…. TENSION!

18. And Robotnik falls into lava. I like how ineffectual Sonic is with his supposed death. And he just continues onward.

19. Damn, they made Tails look like Wolf O Donnell from Star Fox! DATS TIGHT! DATS TIGHT!

20. Of course Tails was faking it. And with that, the 6 Deadly Retards have been defeated! Yeah…. that’s the last time you’ll ever see them. No, srsly.

21. Oh look, Robotnik faked his death and just used the energy to make….. a giant fucking robot to kick Sonic’s ass. Oh and it has a cape too! CLASSY!

22. Aaaaaaaand…. Robotnik’s beaten, they go back to civilization, there’s a joke about Robotnik having his mustache eaten by a Rabbit, and the end.

……This is some shit. I think Sammy has a natural talent for hiring SHITTY TALENT for everything. Bad developers, bad voice actors, bad writers, awful directors, etc.

Knux and Amy weren’t even in that shit. Sonic is bipolar, Tails is a jackass, Robotnik has no personality, and the biggest insult is that the Zeti weren’t even important. They weren’t even needed to make the plot work. Their motives make no goddamn sense. First, it seemd they just wanted to kill Robotnik, then they change their mind and decide they want more power, and then they seem intent on making Sonic and Tails their slaves. They’re just there, they have virtually no interaction with each other beyond a few lame insults, there’s no actual chemistry between the Zeti and I feel pretentious just saying that.

I don’t even know what the fuck is going on anymore. Tails was supposed to be jealous of Robotnik for no reason, and thats dropped almost immediately. Sonic was supposed to have some sort of “guilt” over being a screw up, and that isn’t written well at all, and none of these plot issues are resolved by the end of the game. The Zeti aren’t even seen or mentioned. Fuck, Sonic Riders Zero Gravity had the characters lament about the history of the fucking Babylon Aliens and how they might want to go back to space, before taking on Jet in another race. I mean goddamn, the whole plot is a waste, and those assholes X’ers enabled Sega to make a shit story because the “gameplay is the most important element”.

And I’m hearing NOBODY likes the gameplay either!

But who am I kidding? Later on, I’m gonna be hearing about how well this game topped UK sales charts and that will disprove all the naysayers wrong about how the smallest market indeed shows how great this game is.

GOOD POINTS of the story.

Sonic had his jackass tendencies (for the time being)

Tails actually beats the main villains, harking back to his days from the Game Gear… if that counts.

Cubot and Orbot are practically invisible.

 

It’s like I’m in the fucking Twilight Zone! Now there’s silhouette stages like in DKCR!? Get out of town!

It seems the more trailers that come out, the less hype I see beyond the SOA and TSSMB forums. Ive yet to see any YT videos defending this game.

What’s most amusing is that before, Casters were “paranoid” about Lost Mind being a Mario Galazy rip off. Today, 4 months later, all doubt was removed. It’s fully acknowledged. And very few embrace it. Even the dregs of the usual Sonic fan sites…. and deviantart, can’t over-shadow the sheer skepticism of everyone else. They’re like whispers lost in the wind. It’s so unimpressive, no one showed up at Sonic Boom in support of it. I’m reminded of the days with Pokemon fans tried so hard to shut up complainers of HGSS when Lyra’s artwork appeared, suggesting that Kris doesn’t appear because “these are remakes of Gold and Silver, and NOT Crystal! Therefore, it is logical to assume that kris doesn’t appear.” And everyone agreed with such undeniable logic and intelligence…. until the elements that were exclusive to Crystal (Buena’s Password, Suicune plot, Battle Tower, Eusine, etc) all appeared, and shut them right the fuck up. I never laughed so much in my life at such mortification at fandom arrogance.

Still, the Mario comparisons are staggering. And I can’t help but feel that perhaps it isn’t entirely Iizuka’s fault. I’ve read sources that sounded off that Lost Mind was supposed to have come out for PC and/or possibly go multiplatform. But with Nintendo paying for exclusives, that was shot. But when Iizuka makes claims about wanting to cater to Mario fans, it now comes off as odd. If the game was meant to be on PC beforehand, why would it need to attract Mario fans? Nintards rarely play anything but Nintarded bullshit.

I feel the problem lies with the current publishers. Nintendo’s…. nature, if you will, has been total deception since 2010. It seems like everyday, they have some sort of scheme to prove to their investors that their ideas are always working. They’re bundling Wind Waker HD with the price-cut Pii U’s, banking on the price cut being a means to sell more units and inflating sales of WWHD to prove that the Toon style is actually appealing. I’m convinced that the 2DS is poorly designed from a comfort stand point in the hopes that it would fail to prove that “people really want 3D”. Everything they’ve been doing this year alone reeks of schemes. Like Motonari Mori of Sengoku Basara, scheming every fucking time.

Nintendo is very obsessed with proving that their ideology is perfect. I was even shown an art book with Toon Link taking center stage, as if that animu shit stain was the face of the franchise, rewriting history and placing that turd as the definitive Link. With Lost Mind looking ever so much like Galazy, I feel that there is something more insidious brewing within Nintendo. Possibly, they’re leveraging another franchise to prove their own game format is fool-proof. Mario Galazy isn’t considered the shit, no matter how much the internet and metacritic would have you believe. If Miyamoto thought Galazy was perfect, he wouldn’t feel the need to write off NSMBW as “selling for accessibility” or packing in a tutorial DVD for Galazy 2 to teach people how to play the game. But that didn’t work. NSMB even salvaged the 3DS. 3D Land left without so much as a peep.

Nintendo seems to be invoking Galazy’s gameplay into Sonic the Hedgehog. Seeing if they can modify and rebrand it somehow and hope it sells. If it does well (which we’re all pretty fucking sure it won’t), they can go up and say that Galazy’s gameplay isn’t the problem, and continue making more Galazy games. Afterall, they tried something like that with Wonderful 101, I believe.

That’s all very silly, of course, but isn’t it all just weird? No Sonic game since 06 had this much nonsensical hype. There’s been more trailers for this title than the last 7 years. There are so many mantras of hoping this game “saves the Pii U”. How it had nothing to do with Sonic X-Treme and everything to do with Mario Galazy, like typical imperialism of washing away one’s identity for the sake of another’s vanity and arrogance. Last I checked, Sega was trying to move away from Nintendo’s consoles (or at least the 3DS), but to hear them declare so soon that they must “save the Pii U” afterward is just bizarre, especially hearing that Lost Mind wasn’t originally going to be Pii U exclusive in the first place. And that 2012 Olympics…. “interview” bugs me. I don’t recall any other 3rd party dev being invited to an Iwata Asks party.

Perhaps I wasn’t so crazy afterall. It seems like it will be a reality in the near future.

 

Ignoring the figure skating Sonic.

Ignoring the faaar too obvious Mario comparisons.

Ignoring the bland ass boss music.

And just look at what this whole trailer is doing.

 

……….

…………

Don’t know yet?

This trailer is basically spoiling the whole fucking game.

That’s all these trailers have been doing. Too much information has been revealed about the game that with this one, we know….

1. What level order you will progress,

2. What bosses you will fight in this order

3. And literally how the boss battles themselves play out. You fight a moon that hurls stars out, then you fight Zazz one on one. Zomom just ground pounds and spins, etc. etc.

What they’re saying is that this game’s content is not worth keeping secretive.  What do we have to look forward to when everyone can just smell what the game will be like by the time October rolls around? Everything you could just guess about the game’s flow has been laid out for you to see. No sense of mystery, no sense of curiosity. Why, the nerds are starved for information so lets just lay out all the info out for them to see! We have 6 bosses, a shitty coop mode, a recycled multiplayer mode from Colors, shitty ass wisp powers, several on-rails stages, etc.!

One of the problems I had with Brawl was that a good majority of the content was spoiled before the game was released thanks to Smash Bros. Dojo. Details about items, character moves and properties, stages, etc. were all give to us. Melee didn’t have this much exposure, and hell, Shadow the Hedgehog and Sonic Heroes didn’t either.

What Nintendo and Sega failed to do was the marketing technique of “Show, don’t tell“. Like women, you have to leave something for the imagination. A sense of wonder and amazement. You’ve stripped that from your own audience by revealing too much of the game’s features.

The plot twist was put out there before the game came out. Why? Because Weber and the game wanted to appease starved nerds with “clarity” of the Japanese scene.

But the worst part is that many of the trailers are about “gameplay” and not spectacle. You should never advertise the gameplay. Not in the sense of not showing game footage, but showing more than the “cool shit”. I don’t want to see how to perform the cool shit IE the wisp powers being utilized by the touch screen with a pop up tutorial. Just show it destroying enemies.

No one had the vaguest clue of how this game would flow until it released. We were shown bits and pieces of the game, not have it on full display. We were not shown “how” the moves and techniques like Chaos Blast were done, or told outright that you needed to do bad things just to activate it. They just showed it in action. You were not shown how to defeat Black Bull in the video, just it’s attacks to show how menacing it is.

They only gave you a snack. Not the whole kitchen.

You wouldn’t believe how many people thought the game looked like this.

Lost Mind? Fuck all that, lets just show you how it’s dooone! That is the most idiotic trailer for a video game I’ve ever seen. Even Sonic Riders was more conservative than this.

You feel the effects of not being shown the game rules? How it’s played and what not? It leaves you visualizing just how good it might be. Only a few tidbits. Not like these shitty Sonic trailers where they show you levels individually and not out of context. You notice how Unleashed, Colors, and Generations felt underwhelming even before they released? But Sonic 4 Episode 2 was hype worthy? Apparently, when Sega honestly didn’t give a fuck, they made better trailers, but when they’re all about dat “gameplay”, they show off their bullshit intricacy. And Ninty and Sega just went and spouted everything this game has to offer, as well as the damn bonus edition. They had a trailer for every mother fucking feature this shit has. There’s no greater misery than being constantly reminded of just how bad this game is going to be by giving everyone news that gets worse and worse and worse.

It’s trailers like this that show the developers have no concept of what an “experience” is. Sony understood that with FF7 by giving you a snack. Did you want to experience something that a movie couldn’t provide you? Buy the fucking Playstation and get in on the action. Sega? Stay off the internet if you don’t want the experience ruined.

“WTF!? Transforming animals!? Therapy sessions involving the beast within?! I have GOT to see what this is all about!”

Um… that’s how the game plays? EWW!

I’m sure the nintards are foaming at the mouth with some nutless excuses like “YOU’RE COMPARING 2 DIFFERENT GENRES!!!!” or some piss ass shit like that. You’re not shown gameplay. You’re shown the cool shit. Something that grabs you by the conkers and makes you shout “I HAVE GOT TO GET ME ONE OF THESE!

Lost Mind, for all intents and purposes, will be a flop, but Sega can’t even convince anyone to rush out for a copy. These trailers have done nothing to grab anyone’s attention. It’s all about the trite ass gameplay. That only comes after the hook. There is no hook for this game. Nothing reels you in.

And then this shit. Just tell us how the game flows. This is the most oddball decision yet from Sega. Why show a trailer about the boss battles? In previous Sonic games, trailers only featured very brief glimpses of the bosses, leaving the rest to the imagination. Here, it’s fetishized nonsense. I mean, did we really need to see how far Nintendo slipped their cock through your ass? It’s embarrassing enough to call one’s self a Sonic fan without being trolled by Nintards about how Nintendo “won”, now you pour salt on an open wound by literally having a Sonic game that fetishes elements of Super Mario games. As if we didn’t have enough of Nintendo’s vanity in Super Smash Bros., Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes, Nintendo Land, Pikmin 3, and Tekken Tag Tournament 2, now you literally destroy the very foundation of what made Sonic stand out. You don’t see Bayonetta dressing up like Peach anytime soon (hopefully), but with the way Kamiya is lovin Iwata’s dick, that might be the case.

😦 ………..I miss Bloody Roar…. I miss Hudson….

*goes into a corner to cry*

I don’t know when or why developers started making “gameplay trailers”, but it’s ruining my optimism for future video games in this industry.

Call me crazy, but I had assumed that a sequel was to improve upon and beat out the original game. Not be a carbon copy.

Rayman Origins was a such a bad ass platformer that I couldn’t resist a sequel. One of the reasons I got a PS3 was to get a hold of it. And…well…. just like Soul Calibur 4, it’s a little dissappointing.

It goes without saying that it is still a good game and it is fun in many of it’s aspects, even the scripted nonsense is good what with syncing everything up to music, but overall, it’s over before you can really get to the meat of the game.

Aesthetically, it is more pleasing to the eyes than was the first game, but there is very little details in what you’re doing in these worlds beyond running through them. You’re given an intro about nightmares destroying the world and Rayman and the gang wakes up to fight them all. That’s even more bare bones than the first game. At least you have an idea of needing to save sexy ass fairies. Here, you’re just sending several magician Teensies to the moon to get poked in the ass by little devil imps…. or something. I suppose Barbara and her sisters are supposed to replace the fairies, but the only real effect is giving you extra skins (hehe) of the same bitch to play. It has no effect on your progress beyond rescuing some teensies to unlock more worlds.

Though, one of them reminds me of Marina Lightyears from Mischief Makers, so I’ll let them off the hook for now. Plus, she’s giving someone a free peep show behind her as of this moment.

One of the more obnoxious “features” implemented in this game is fucking Murfy.

Yeah… the fly no one likes.

He basically plays the role of the forced “puzzle platformer helping buddy” in that you need to manually activate his abilities in order to progress through levels. He can bring you platforms, obscure spotlights…. pretty much what Tails is doing for the coop levels of Sonic’s Lost Mind, or NSMBU’s touch screen “helper” bullshit, especially as I’ve heard the Wii U version has this guy tailored made for that shit.

Yeah, that’s all he does in this game is become a Neo-Nintendo gimmick.

That said, why do PS360 owners have to put up with these levels? It’s not bad for the first 3 worlds, but I’ve been spoiled by the puzzle-free nature of the first game. Then they go the LittleBIGPlanet route and assume “gameplay is intricate bullshit!” Nothing the Murfy levels do are even clever or fun, especially since the last 2 worlds are scripted nonsense in that you have to make a mad dash through the level. It’s FRUSTRATING AS FUCK that while you’re doing your scripted obstacle course, you also have to activate Murfy to open paths for you. You’re literally using 4 buttons here. It’s not intuitive or even partial to one’s enjoyment. It’s just… fucking…awful. Praise Amma for unlimited lives because these Murfy levels were designed to just keep killing me. And they’re fucking everywhere in this game. Learn to hate that green bastard’s smile. You will never escape it.

Levels like this where you’re being chased are made worse by Murfy’s necessitous addition.

Other than that, it’s pretty much the same exact game as the last one. Even the worlds themselves are carbon copies. You get a desert, you get a water world, you get a “heaven and hell” stage, you get a food land where you can shrink down and traverse apples…. and shit (this time, you can enter the foods themselves), it’s literally a game that could’ve been DLC. It’s not as bad as the NSMB games where the content is purposefully stagnated by Nintendo themselves, but you can smell how lazy this game came off in the aesthetics content. Infact, content period is nonsensical. You’re just going through worlds doing the usual ass kicking. If this was supposed to be some “throwback” to previous games pre-SNES, it’s ruined by the fact that there’s an intro with settings and “princesses” to rescue without any clarification of what and why. If Barbara and her…semi-sexy sisters are important to save, why are they treated more like secret levels and the bitches I end up saving from the Magician directly are just female teensies? What is the importance of these teensies, btw? And why are they treated like monkeys from Time Splitters (Obsessively, that is).

Kill em. I don’t care about these smurf lookin fuckers anyway, I got so many of them unlocked, I can’t pull myself to care.

Saving teensies is there as part of the arbitrary fetch quests to unlock costumes and remixed levels from the first game (yeah, you can literally tell how un-different the sequel is just by playing the scratch offs). The extra hidden content is not worth it. Most of them are gained by going into the hardcore “challenge stages” where obnoxious requisites are placed for you to show how hardcore you really are by tackling these challenges for the petty achievement of saying you can complete these levels in the fastest times. And unfortunately, because PS3’s are more fragile than Wii’s, hacking is too risky to say “fuck this shit, I want my content now”. And they want 700 of these blue bastards to get the final hidden character which is probably another stupid Teensie anyway.

And yet, it’s still good.

Despite it’s glaring flaws, it’s still the best damn game I’ve played on this console with coop. It’s nice to find a multiplayer game that treats Player 2 like a human being and not an after thought. There’s so many PS3 games that are only tailored made for Player 1 because of the assumption that gamers are lonely freaks who play online all day. Rayman Legends has no online and focuses on “normal people” with actual friends. Good. Ubisoft has a brain or 2.

All that said, I would probably just find a used copy or trade in shitty games like Soul Calibur 5/TTT2/NG3RE to bring the price down as much as possible. It’s a good…35-40 dollar game at best. It’s too short, and the replay value is steeped in those fucking fetch quests that developers somehow equate to fun factor. That shit is simply not fun! Especially given that the unlockables are costumes like it really fucking matters and harder levels. That’s not replay value to me, mother fuckers! That’s you trying to appease the hardcore crowd. A platformer, by nature, is not a hardcore game. It should not try to be one.

Rayman Legends is more spectacle than it is everything else. And while that’s not entirely a bad thing, unlike Sonic, this game feels empty and short. I’d say get it anyway because it’s at least fun, but expect frustration from the Murfy levels.

So according to resident shill site “The Sonic Stadium”, Sonic Boom had the lowest amount of attendees in history, only getting 300.

Everyone who is commenting is trying everything in their power to explain why the show failed to gain a larger audience. Ticket prices, location sucked, etc. But all of them avoid the truth of the matter.

The majority of people I talked to (even visited my old elementary school) don’t even know Sonic exists. Sonic is so irrelevant and invisible today, even the audience the series is strictly geared toward doesn’t even know what Sonic is. As for the older crowd? They don’t even know Sonic games are still being made. You couldn’t even hold a conversation for Sonic the Hedgehog. It drifts toward Nintendo’s latest bullshit.

No one cares about the next Zelda or that Wind Waker HD is a waste of money, but Nintendo’s fuck ups are 100x more interesting to talk about than the latest disaster that Iizuka and Nintendo are concocting together.

It doesn’t matter ticket costs, locations, or anything of that matter. People genuinely do not care what it takes to get to what they like. If people love something, they will come, no matter what the cost. Humans naturally sacrifice things for what they love. Money for drugs, dream careers for family, college for bitches, it doesn’t matter. If people loved Sonic, you would have more than enough attendees. Human nature drives people toward something when they really want it.

Do you really want to attend a Sonic event period? Or would you rather go to a Pokemon convention? Or how about King of Fighters? Or Soul Calibur? Mortal Kombat, even? All of those events sound more attractive than Sonic conventions. Why? Because those franchises still have appeal.

The truth is simple. Sonic just isn’t appealing anymore. When the next Sonic game in the series is as saccharin as an episode of Johnny Test, there is no point in getting excited for an event with the promise of more footage. Even Froggy and Chocola Chao are more interesting than Sonic’s Lost Mind. Why should one pay for travel and the event when there is virtually nothing of worth beyond some “extra footage” and Crush 40? E3 is still special because you can find a wide variety of games and possibly booth babes (if they haven’t been banned yet). Not to mention some crazy and bizarre shows. No one cares about Sonic the Hedgehog because Sega of Japan doesn’t care about Sonic the Hedgehog. This little event is just there to appease the nerds of the fanbase. Iizuka doesn’t even want to be there, dealing with the bastard Otaku of America.

What is there to look forward to in Sonic’s future? More wisps destroying any worth that extra characters would have, more silly exploration based on scavenger hunts than alternate passages, more silly puzzles and arbitrary puzzles that don’t belong in the series, more poorly written stories, more pathetic universe expansion, more saccharin content, orchestrated campy music, pff. Generations told fans all they needed to know about the direction of the series. And it’s definitely not worth investing attention into.

Why would you attend an event for a series that is getting progressively worse as the years go by? From a company that has shown pure fucking animosity toward a certain segment of fans for the last 7 years? Who do nothing but cheap experimental work for every single installment with no standard conventions for gameplay and content? Exclusively on a console nobody wants? But it’s just “ticket prices” stopping people from going. It’s obvious that Sega has been burning a thousand bridges since 2008. Doing as much as possible to punish the fanbase for their “insolence” of daring to have a free mind.

The last time anyone got excited for Sonic was back in 06. Since then, Sega hasn’t done anything to make the content of Sonic appealing ever again. It’s a neutered series with no fangs to call it’s own. It is declawed. Given a serious breast reduction. Impudent and incapable of satisfying the needs and desires of an increasingly shrinking audience.

I used to think Colors was an ok direction for the series, along with Generations, mainly because the fans were once again happy with the series. Finally, a direction that satisfies. Had I know it was only the gameplay whores and “cheerful crowd” who thinks an extra dab of saccharin bullshit was good enough to revitalize interest in the series, I would’ve never bothered. A fool I was. Sonic Boom’s lack of attendees is indication that even the nerds aren’t interested in Sonic the Hedgehog.

And the embarrassing Sonic dancing to stank booty gorilla noise? Worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen. It’s mortifying. If I knew that shit was going to happen, I would never have watched this crap.

Well, even though I’ve only watched the questionarre portion of Iizuka’s panel, I’ve learned 2 important things from the event.

1. Sonic fans are hopeless nerds which doesn’t bode well for the series.

2. Iizuka is an even bigger prick than I gave him credit for.

When the loudest voices in a fandom are the hardcore nerds, you can stop hoping for the better. X’ers. They aren’t even a threat at this point. These are nerds. Nerds ask stupid and pointless questions such as “does Tails Doll have any friends”. Or “what happened to Froggy!?” or “Will we ever see Chocola Chao again?”

Nerds only care about the least important details of any given franchise. Storm isn’t claustrophobic!? Death threats are necessary. Spiderman have organic webbing? Peter Parker’s intellect is greatly reduced. Never mind getting rid of Spiderman’s weaknesses, it just takes away from another element that made Spiderman “perfect” in their eyes.

You’d be sitting around asking the question “who gives a fuck!?”. Exactly. No one should give any fucks about small details such as Amy’s redesign being drastic from everyone else (because she isn’t nude).

It’s not all nerd shit, though. A minority of normal people were in attendance, only to receive passive-aggressive fuck you’s. There were some decent questions put up, like if Shadow could use Chaos Control with or without an emerald. But another one was if they would ever put Mario and Sonic into a platformer. Iizuka, being the chronic liar he is, would say “Mario and Sonic are too different from each other, so no”. This despite the fact that he has dramatically slowed Sonic the fuck down in Lost Mind for the sake of exploration, intricacies, fetch quests, and timed power ups for the sake of collectables, just like goddamn 3D Mario. Right down to the damn run button. So if you can go ahead and turn Sonic into a slightly faster 3D Mario, what’s stopping you from making a Mario and Sonic platformer? I mean, Nintendo already did it before.

Got some splainin to do, Iizuka.

It’s not like we didn’t have crazy and illogical match ups in the past.

Though some we’d like to forget…

See, the problem with the Japanese is that they pay too much attention to details instead of finding a workable solution to give the fans what the hell they want. This despite the fact that you can throw logic out the window in Sonic Heroes just so you can make that “team” bullshit work, Mario and Sonic are just too different from each other to find a scientifically sound and decent solution. I know that fat ass Big the Cat could not keep up with Knuckles of all people. That’s for damn sure.

I can already think of a way to put Sonic and Mario in a platforming game via this.

There. Problem solved. EVERYONE IS SLOW!

Funny how they asked a question about SA3 only for Iizuka to respond “I answered this question last year”. What an asshole. “Perhaps someday”. No one wants to hear bullshit. We want a (de)confirmation. Are you making one or not?

Western developers, for all their greed and scheming, don’t bullshit when it comes to announcements. They let you know ahead of time if they’re making a game or not. The Japanese devs, the big ass liars they can be, will sit there and say “mmmm…. maybe”. Give us a straight answer. You don’t have plans for an SA3 or SH2 (for whoever thought Heroes was the shit)

Another thing that breaks the camel’s back is a fan asking a legitimate question about having more than one playable character. In question, Shadow the Hedgehog. Ofcourse, Iizuka, in a condescending tone, says that shadow is playable in the Olympics games (which goes in hand with his bastard comments from a previous interview where he refers to them as “sub-characters”.) What made me proud of said fan was when he exclaimed “IN A REAL GAME!“. Iizuka could only say “I might consider it”.

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I don’t even know what to make of this. Either he’s tired of getting mixed messages from fans, or he’s been spoiled by only using Sonic as a playable character. Because we can see for ourselves that Iizuka personally hates the idea of having multiple characters in a Sonic game. The whole “Sonic-Only” mantra of the fans was his greatest excuse to not include them in future games. The wisps becoming a standard is only to use power ups to substitute for other characters. The Parkour system is nothing more than a glorified Espio, the Red wisp should be Tails, drill Wisp is Knuckles, Music note Wisp is gay shit, etc. The way he tried to brush aside the Shadow question shows his aggression toward the mere idea of another character besides Sonic being in the games. It’s as though he’s adopted the psyche of the crazy ass fans who demanded less characters. Or it’s that Iizuka personally wants other characters to justify his puzzle/fetch quest/exploration addiction, but knows fans will demand blood, so he has to make due with Wisps to sidestep the absence of other characters.

Sega has to be the most arcane game company of all time. You think they’re listening to fans, but they’re really not. I’m baffled by what the fuck they’re doing and saying now. They’re using fan reception as an excuse to pursue their own ambitions and creativity, or to appease their publisher (nintendo). The whole issue of “not being inspired by X-treme but Mario Galaxy” screamed bending over to Miyamoto’s shriveled cock. The “sub-characters” comment was the most back-handed remark I’ve ever heard from Iizuka’s mouth. It’s like he’s annoyed that people LIKE playing as other characters. Being saturated with “Sonic-Only” games for the last 5 years takes a toll on people, and fans expect something different after a while. It’s not fucking unheard of, KOF didn’t get any attention after the stagnation of using the same graphics while Street Fighter felt new with all their different installments. And if you’re gonna pump out yearly Sonic games like this, then expect people to be exhausted.

What kind of prick goes on to say “He might consider” putting in fan favorite characters for a Sonic game!? You damn well BETTER make the others playable for the next Sonic game. If you’ve been living under a rock, Sonic is on no one’s radar. There are so many people that barely knows the series is still continuing after 06. You may wanna consider thinking about doing your absolute fucking best to please what little fans you have left for the series. Everything starting with the Pii U exclusivity announcement screamed anti-consumer, and everything about that was announcing your desire to “save the Pii U”. No one wants the Pii U, and practically forcing Sonic fans to buy one just to get their precious Sonic sequels is an under-handed and bullshit tactic that will bite YOU on the ass. It’s the most anti-consumer thing I’ve seen from Sega second only to the Shining Force take downs. Every announcement for Lost Mind screamed “bullshit”. No one wants bullshit, and that’s all this game has been thus far.

Bullshit touch screen wisp powers,

bullshit exploration,

bullshit easter eggs for no reason

Bullshit story

Bullshit worlds

Bullshit nerfing of Tails and Robotnik

Bullshit no online on console, but online for portable

Bullshit hyping of the villains

Bullshit Candy land Zones

Bullshit Red Rings

Bullshit everything.

Iizuka’s asshole persona was on display, and no one can seem to detect it. Of course, you could already see his asshole persona back when S4E2 first came out. How after Sonic 4, he would go back to what he wants to do because he THINKS he pleased the fans already.

The only good thing that came out of this mess was dis-establishing that Knuckles suddenly turned full retard after S3K. The whole “different universes” shit is a Capcom brand retcon that  justifies their laziness in not wanting to put Hyper Sonic in the games. That’s Soul Calibur bullshit, but otherwise I can now take solice in the fact that new Knuckles is some bizarre freak accident, and not the bad mother fucker of the 90s.

Classic Knuckles. Still awesome!

That reminds me. This probably confirms all those rumors about “Sonic being rebooted”. Unfortunately, it’s a shitty reboot that started back in 2010. Generations is not canon, and everything that happened before Colors is no longer relevant.

Other than Iizuka’s assholery, we also got a new level that looks like Zone 3 of Rush Adventure, and a full, translated cutscene where Pontac and fucker who’s name I can’t remember… made dialogue you could actually stomach!? No glorifying the 6 deadly retards and more about why Sonic is a dumbshit. So I guess this makes him the “fake ass Oni Trigger”?

W/E. Sonic Boom basically confirms everything I’ve feared about the direction Sega (and Nintardo) is taking the Sonic franchise. Unlike 2008, they’re more about pleasing themselves than the fans.

To think…..I used to respect these assholes….

Long Live Classic Knux!