No I’m not doing Spiderman Homecoming. Fuck that movie. It’s about time I moved away from Marvel for a bit anyway, their output is only getting worse.

When this movie first came out, I was completely hyped. And like I said before, I was binge watching several Seasons of this crap, all of which ranged around 40 episodes. So by the time this movie came out, I was already up to my ass in Morphin sequences to not bother to look at this movie critically. Nevertheless, I bought the damn dvd Some time ago, rewatched it once…. it ain’t really all that good. Hell, it’s actually kinda boring! 

Mind you, this is coming the fact that the director commentary reveals that the goal was to remake some old shit called The Breakfast Club. Highschool students who spend their time bitching about their problems in detention. So this movie isn’t even about POWER RANGERS, it’s about this director’s obsession with 80s bullshit! So you get about 2 hours of teenage drama that no one cares about, and about 15 minutes of actual Ranger action that is entirely rushed and takes a backseat to the Bayformers style of boring Zord battles while punishing our ears with Kanye West. This was a pretty shit movie. And I conned myself into thinking it was any good. Lets get on wit it

Also, I got the bizarre sense that this movie was sending a lot of racial subtext in regards to the characters, more so than Disney! So expect the subject of race to pop up. A lot. In humorless ways.

I’m serious. You don’t wanna see racey shit? click away!

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Still here? You have been warned.

It starts off lovely with a Prologue that would’ve made for a sexier movie. Zordon as the mother fucking Red Ranger crawls about and lays down the five power…. rocks (not coins!?) To protect them from Rita Repulsa, mother fucking green ranger! She demands the Zeo Crystals location (so much fanservice!) Until something blows up and she gets knocked out into the ocean.

This whole prologue had me fucked up! It was brilliant! It established a mythos, was loaded with fanservice, and actually gave Zordon a background story. They were hoping we would love that shit, cause the movie transitions to a masturbation joke involving a cow.

Not making that up. Jason Lee Scott…. minus the Lee… and some other paste monster decide to pull an ill-defined prank involving taking a cow into the locker room of… I’m guessing an opposiing team. But the cops come and spoil everything like always, and the next day we have Jason with a foot brace and an argument with his dad. Jason ends this obligatory debate by saying “you’ll never understand me”. Neither would I or anyone else in the audience, you fucking prick.

See, the tension between Jason and his father is short and not given any room for development…. unless you watch the damn deleted scenes! In it, you find that Jason is bitter about the fact that his daddy didn’t bail him out of house arrest….. seriously folks. You got this privileged white boy gettin pissy because he got what he deserved!? It’s a damn good thing they deleted that scene as that would’ve made Jason into an irredeemable little shit with a false sense of entitlement. 

As Jason goes into detention, he bitch slaps a bully for picking on Billy Cranston, who got confused and thought he was doing a minstrel show.  It’s not explained as of yet why he’s in there, but meh. Kimberly, the overrated sex symbol of power rangers fandom (Katie was the pinnacle of fine. Admit it!) walks out of detention to the bathroom. .. while the teacher was present. Not sure why highschool detention operates with the same scrutiny as a regular college classroom, but we needed this bathroom scene.

To drive home the point that this film wants to be degrassi, we have kim being confronted by 2 bitches who… I guess oust her from that peer group… because she took a photo of some girl and punched some guy’s tooth out. Ooooook?

Then, she cuts her hair shorter and goes back to detention because… something only white girls underst- WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS SCENE NEEDED!? If anything, they could’ve cut this shit out and it wouldn’t impact a thing. It adds nothing, it doesn’t give us a reason to care about this character, and shows petty drama over some goddamn tweets. The jackoffs behind this flick cared so much about being culturally relevant to teenagers that they forget about how to make any of this shit relevant to the plot. 

Actually, I take that back. The very next scene has Jason’s actions factor into Billy’s proper introduction. Here he shows his awkwardness around folks and desperately wants to be his besty (which annoys me to no end). And he makes Jason a deal. If Billy disables Jason’s bitch brace, he will let borrow his family car. I repeat, borrow… his family… CAR

*sigh*…. I know you assholes gave him a mental disorder, but… what the hell would possess Billy Cranston, the smart one of the group… to loan a car that he does not own… to a guy who is a complete stranger to him!? The guy has a bitch brace on! Meaning he has committed a crime! Why the fuck would you trust him with that!? Because he was a star football player!? Are you on the yac!? . …eh hell, he might be, the way he coons in this movie.

So he disables the damn thing and asks Jason to drive him to a construction site. I guess they bond here? Of course, Jason doesn’t want to be around him and leaves him to his weird shit.

Then we see Johnny Yong Bosch once again steal a role from Walter Jones as he portrays douchbag Zack, sitting on a trailer as he watches a latino Trini Kwan (Change the race… but keep the Asian-esqe name) as she does yoga while listening to heavy metal. Yeah, fuck all that inner peace and tranquility shit that Yoga requires! We rock out on rocks! I mean, damn this sooooo edgy!

Back to Jason as he turns from Trespasser to peeping tom while he watches Kimberly strip down to a bikini a take a dive into a pond. She gets out and even has a towel on deck! Then…. typical boring ass teenage shipping where both characters are… too cool to have a normal conversation and talk about being rebellious! Cause I wanted to be reminded of this tired ass cliche that we’ve seen about a hundred times from the Fast and Furious franchise alone, as well as all the action movies. You know that type of romantic cliche where the girl acts like she doesn’t want cock while the boy talks about being on the wild side and how the girl should go and be wild too…. that kind of shit. The same level of shipping that is simply obligatory to the point of absurdity. Could you give us a reason to actually give us a reason to care about them before giving us this “will they or won’t they” piss? Cause by this point, I just don’t care about them.

Billy somehow makes a bomb and blows up a cliff. Uhwhy!? Zack comes out of nowhere and starts beefing with Billy over his explosive personality, and Trini as well comes out of the woodwork with a random “homeboy” expression that is as hollow as her music career. Then, the mountain rumbles a bit showing the Power Co-…. Rocks. Zack wastes no time hammering away at the wall, wanting to pop out these babies for money. The 5 kids (yeah, Jason and Kim showed up too) take their respective rocks and then hear an alarm siren…. 7 minutes after the doggone explosion. They all head to Billy’s car and escape… via train crashing.

Ohhhhhh…

I admit. .. this part was actually well done! Normally, you’d expect the heroes to miss the train by inches… but naw, just straight up collision, and these stupid kids get knocked into the river! A good dose of shock value to wake up the audience after boring them to death for minutes on end.

We then jump ship to… a ship! Jason’s father is a fisherman eho manages to round up a ton of oily delights… and a decrepit old bitch! They don’t know who or what she is and so they leave Rita in the cargo for the police to deal with in the morning. 

In that morning, somehow…. Jason, kim, and Billy all wake up in their houses…. like shit never happened…. and they have the ol’ Spiderman trope of “HOLY SHIT I HAVE SUPAH POWAHS!” I mean… why not? This movie isn’t nearly as derivative as Doctor Strange! 

This is never explained in the movie, how they got back home.

Back in school, Billy’s Bully (5 times fast) tries to snap his arm… cause that is what bullies do these says with their super strength and all… but finds that he can’t…. so he tries headbutting him… and gets knocked unconscious. And soon afterwards, he already has white bitches trying to flirt with him. Ofcourse! In the cafeteria, the 3 are weirded out by their strange… or… well two of them, Billy is just pimping it with his nerd group, and after putting their rocks on a table, they blow up some cafeteria food. 

……Wait…. if they caused that kind of energy surge, someone should’ve been able to find them just by having fucked up shit happening. Tremors, EMPs… something! Cause now they’re just doing random shit! This is also, again, the only time in the whole movie where they have this kind of effect!

Anywho, back on the boat, a cop does an inspection of Rita’s corpse only for that crazy bitch to wake up and mutilate his ass. Why she reanimates here and not sooner…. idk

Back to the teenagers with attitude, they decide to go back to the construction site to find out what is wrong with them, passing Billy’s family car… that never gets brought up unless you watch the deleted scenes (seriously!?). At the site, they find Zack, and then Trini who instantly does a spiderman wall crawl. And then… Kim chases after her… and everyone else chases her. Yeah… this… this makes sense. 

They all get to a cliff that Trini just up and jumps over without a word. Zack jumps and tackles her to the ground, and then Jason and Kim jump. These kids haven’t even bothered trying to know each other so the scene just feels awkward as hell. Billy hesitates because that’s what smart people do, but he jumps, nearly not making it, and I already know what happens beforehand. He makes it by an inch, celebrates, and falls any- oh, yep. And ofcourse he survives, little pool in this big ass canyon. Zack and Jason jump in while Kim has to snatch Trini’s ornery ass  as they plummet to the pool.

Here they glow in the water only to have an in-joke about Billy and Zack swapping ethnicities. It seems like contrived shit just happens for specific moments rather than making the movie feel organic as a whole. Why the hell are they glowing different colors in the water? 

Anyhow, they find out that the pool also has a surface at the bottom, and as they reach it, they find a space ship. And inside, they meet Alpha 5. …..Or…. some midget…. cgi cosplayer who didn’t know that the original never had two flashlights for eyeballs. Goddamn, I hate this design! Both Alpha and Johnny 5 combined to become this tragedy of poor budget. How does Lion’s Gate compensate for that? By giving him tentacles. So now he can be in both children’s television and hentai. What a dreadful thing indeed.

After scaring the shit out of the kids, Alpha tells them to step on five separate panels which awakens Zordon. Of course, the kids are terrified and try to escape, but Alpha doesn’t let them as he shuts the ship’s doors. After giving Zordon an English patch (literally) the 2 explain that Zordon’s soul was transferred to the Morphin grid… somehow, and that the kids have become power rangers. Billy is the only excited one, but the other 4 are just… too cool to believe any of this is true despite the fact that there is a GIANT TALKING FACE!!

Zordon, understandably pissed, levitates them and gives them all a vision of Rita killing them all. Zordon warns them that they must become badasses to stop Rita or else she’ll obtain the Zeo Crystal and crap all over Earth. Despite everything happening, everyone leaves while Zordon talks to Jason about being the leader simply cause he has the red rock. Us fanboys recognize this is literally the first episode of Mighty Morphin, “Day of the Dumpster”. IE cute shit. Jason tells everyone that they should probably go back anyway. While that happens, Rita kills a homeless guy who…. can apparently afford a gold tooth

Ok movie. I can take having no explanation as to why the kids got warped back to their homes, or why the power rocks only affect school cafeterias…. but homeless people… have enough money…. for aesthetic dentistry!? I…. again…. suspending logic…. let’s just move on.

So we get a training montage since the next day, the Rangers can’t morph. They get sent to the pit to fight holograms of terribly designed rock monsters the movie wishes to call “Puddies”. W/e. Billy also manages to pinpoint the location of the Zeo Crystal under a donut shop. And I swear to Amma, the amount of bitching this gets is unbelievable. Movies have product placement. I get it. Has that ever gotten in the way of a movie’s enjoyment? This isn’t Nintendo shoving their cocks into every 3rd party Wii U game.

At some point, Alpha shows the team their Zords. You would think these machines would get a better introduction, but eh. Alpha tells them they can’t drive them until they morph. …………. but Zack has other ideas. He takes the MASTODON for a test drive, and finds he can’t drive, and nearly kills some nuns before drive into the Ranger pit, talking about how awesome it is, while Bill Hader forces out the “AyAyAy” catch phrase. You only had one job. One job, Hader!

Everyone rightfully tells Zack that he’s an asshole, but he blows them off, prompting Jason to punch him, and then proceeds to get his ass whooped by Zack. Billy breaks up the fight and morphs. To his own amazement,  he quickly demorphs and everyone is all “HOW!?”. Because black power, bitches! Unfortunately, because the black guy morphed first, Zordon gets pissed and sends them all home. Jason stays behind and hears that Zordon was only using them to activate the Morphin grid to bring himself back to life. Jason tells him to fuck off and leaves. Meanwhile, Rita raids a jewelry store.

At some random campfire, they all figure they can’t morph because they don’t know each other. So after a fucking hour, they do formal introductions and talk about their problems. Zack has anxiety over his sick mother which… doesn’t excuse his behavior at all. Billy likes country music and misses his late father… which…. doesn’t explain why he blows shit up. Jason tells them they already know his problem (asshole), Kim doesn’t say anything, and Trini is Lesbian… or that’s what the internet jacked off to prematurely. Ignoring that this came from Zack making baseless assumptions about what Trini’s problems are, which I found rude and offensive. 

Despite how rushed this scene felt… its not all that bad. It at least tries to humanize the characters (Mainly Zack) and give an explanation into their mal-adjusted behaviors. Back at Trini’s house, she is attacked by Rita who threatens to kill everyone she loves if the rangers don’t meet her at the docks. Jason agrees to go because… fuck Zordon and as they make it there, Rita gets the jump on them and kicks their lily asses all over the place.

Rita bounds them on the side of a ship and threatens to kill them one by one if they don’t tell her where the Zeo Crystal is. Billy tells her under the Krispy Kremes. After that, she kills him. Remember black children! Don’t learn anything, and white folks won’t murder you! …. maybe. The rangers rush Billy’s corpse back to Zordon, hoping that he could revive him, but he’s no miracle worker. The kids all start boohooing about wanting to give their life for him (so forced, this dialogue is). But then the Morphin grid activates and Zordon brings Billy back (HOW!?). With that in mind, the rangers can now morph. 

……. Yep….. you saw that, right? The only way they could morph…. was for the white folks, the Hispanic, and the Asian…. to be united via the death of the black kid. Disney ain’t got shit on Power Rangers, that’s subtle as fuck! 

So they morph, Rita makes golden turd Goldar, the rangers fight for half a minute before going to their Zords, having a short easter egg of the 1995 Go Go Power Rangers theme before shifting to some shit Kanye West song, fighting off Goldar while forming the Evangelion Megazord, and bitch slapping Rita into outer space, all in time for Jason David Frank’s arrogant ass pops in with Amy Jo Johnson for their cheap cameos. And the movie…. basically ends.

See, I rushed through all that because the movie didn’t care to make the highlight of the movie to be the least bit engaging. 

Power Rangers is quite boring and offensive, and a lot of that has everything to do with the director wanting to create the Breakfast Club. The rangers are all unlikable jerks  (with the exception of Billy) that honestly could not in a milllion years relate to it’s audience in any meaningful capacity. We’re told this is a more realistic approach, but that does not make a good movie. Dino Thunder is the same way, but at least it treats itself like Power Rangers. I don’t get this logic with people that think a series cannot succeed on it’s own merits. Power Rangers is goofy and unrealistic. Hell, even RPM, the “darkest season” is goofy. This movie is just depressing. But we’re supposed to like these jackasses over the Operation Overdrive team!? Fuck that noise. It doesn’t feel like Power Rangers at all. I was deluded by my own hype. 

And lets talk about these characters,  eh?

Jason Scott, if you don’t watch the deleted scenes, is flat and invisible. Much like the original Jason who’s praise came exclusively from being the first red ranger… and Rocky sucking ass. Jason is a football star turned fallen hero who doesn’t really grow as a character, and his actions seem contradictory. He pulls a prank, defends a geek from a bully, is annoyed by said geek… they’re trying to create this character who is good at heart, but has a chip on his shoulder all the time, and they don’t even get that right. Deleted scenes make him out to be a self-entitled prick.

Kimberly, much like the show, is insignificant and.. probably the most “normal” teen there. But her drama seems to revolve around a picture she took about some random girl, and a guy’s tooth she knocked out. No clue is given as to how those events are connected, and we don’t know or care what the photo is. Nevertheless, that’s her entire character, honestly.

Zack is an asshole. Probably a commentary on Johnny Young Bosch himself. Zack is motivated by money, mainly because his mother is sick and dying, and he needs to buy medicine. As noble as that is, his interaction with his teammates is atrocious. His joyriding with the zord nearly cost nuns and his own team their lives… and all he can do is talk about how awesome it is. He lacks empathy and consideration towards others, and he doesn’t realize the error of his ways by the end of the movie. Dean is probably trying to make him the cool fun guy, but it just isn’t working. Dare I say Dax was more tolerable. 

Ok I can’t lie like that. 

Trini is just as bad, if not worse, than Zack. She likes to give people the cold shoulder and push others away. She is essentially the ice queen of the pack, the first to run away from people, tries to use “street lingo” and fails in her delivery…. but we’re supposed to ignore her poor characterization…… because she‘s lesbian!? The internet has no standards when it comes to pushing LGBT agendas. Should’ve seen the nut-riding Trini got. 

And then there’s Billy, who is simply the most likable character by virtue that he doesn’t push his problems onto others, or act like a dick. No emotional baggage that tries to force anyone to care about his problems, and puts in the most effort to try and make this ranger gig work.

That being said…. he’s also the most offensive character in the whole movie.

-He is a tool to move the plot along when necessary (finds the power rocks, morphs first, locates Zeo Crystal) and lacks an in-depth background (they don’t show, they tell.) So he’s really just a hollow shell. We get more details about Kim’s social media fetish.

-Billy in the original show was smart simply because. But for the movie, they make him autistic? So a black character cannot be smart without some mental disorder? Are you fucking serious!? Doubly insulting is that his symptoms of autism are played for laughs. Not even sure the studio has any sensitivity training. He also has this thing where he claps 3 times and smiles, which is so coonish it’s cringe-worthy. 

Smart Negroes are obviously domestic terrorists.  This brother makes fucking bombs! Obviously because he is one the few intelligent coloreds, he is a threat!

-Humiliation. A lot of people point out that Billy’s ability to find the Zeo Crystal is a quality of his character…. except that when you think about it, all that does is get him killed. Finding the location of the Zeo Crystal is detrimental as by finding it, Billy inadvertently allows Rita to find it no problem. Finding the Zeo Crystal did not benefit the team in any way… and as a result of plain curiosity, this cat was killed. On-screen. Black dude dies…. period. This movie jacks off to shitting all over this guy.

-He had to die, but why? Like I said earlier, Billy’s death allowed the team to finally realize how much they cared about each other, that kind of shit. Butat the same time, because this movie feels rushed, you really don’t see it. The characters never “bonded” outside of Jason and Kim. That campfire scene was pure exposition and cannot constitute as actual bonding. They just tell each other their problems. And as far as I’m concerned, the only person who has any reason to be upset over Billy’s death is Jason. From guilt or from the fact that he at least interacted with him prior. I damn sure don’t see Zack shedding a drop.

But again, the subtext on this whole scene is disturbing, and feel free to call it paranoia. But the black kid had to die… for the whites, the Hispanic, and the Asian to gain power. Considering that here in the US that these 3 group are, in tandem,  trying to push out/remove/kill/supplant our asses either through police savagery, gentrification, or otherwise, this scene just did not feel right at all. Yeah, I know he was brought back to life and all, but the humiliation was already done. I know I’m gonna get some shit for this.

-Primarily the court jester. Obviously, this is Hollywood. And they needed a Coon, so there’s Billy’s real purpose. This is the real reason he gets so much praise. I spent way too much time on Billy. ..

Alpha 5 sucked. Moving on.

Zordon was… kind of a dick in this movie. Sure he has a personality now, but it just feels odd. The original Zordon seemed like this benevolent wizard with cool toys every now and then. this guy was a manipulative bastard who only wanted the teens to activate the Morphin grid so that he could come back to life. Dirty mother fucker. Then he quickly blows off the team, telling them to Get out of his cave when they still couldn’t morph. 

I actually enjoyed Rita in this movie. She’s scary, she’s efficient in combat, way better than the tv show version. And hey, having a background as the green ranger is waaaay cooler than Tommy Oliver. Now if only she had more screentime. Or made Goldar better looking.

Overall, the excuse for this movie being so lackluster is that’s an origin story, but that doesn’t really cut it. First Avengervwas an origin, Spiderman 1 was an origin. And they never waited until the end of the film to get their suits. By the time they morph, you will have stopped caring. And when they morph, they have stopped caring. It’s Power Rangers marginalized by the director to make his fetish for the Breakfast Club work. Lets hope the Power will protect the sequel from Dean Israelite.

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