Well they announced Pokemon Ultra Sun & Moon this past Tuesday and for the first time ever, I couldn’t give 2 shits! Dear Ra, have I outgrown Pokemon!?

I seriously have stopped caring about this series, it’s every year they keep popping out a new Pokemon game. Either it’s a new generation, special edition, or a remake. How does no one get fatigue from this horse shit!? They don’t even change the battle system. Turn-based combat is total shit and for some reason, Nintendo doesn’t bother to outgrow this tired ass combat system. Fuck, they have Pokemon Rumble, they could use that shit for combat. 

Any of y’all play that one? It was… actually pretty fun. You only had 2 attacks per monster and couldn’t change their attacks, but it was way more exciting than having long dialogue boxes telling me that it’s been raining for 5 fucking turns, just to show the little rain effects. Fucks up the pacing of the already slow ass battles anyway.

Besides that, they already figured it’s best to completely ignore competition-based motivations in favor of generic “little shit saves the world” stories with zero appeal. Cause who gives a fuck anyway? It’s all about owning crap. Here, let me show you my shiny cock! Marvel at my OCD virility! Now all they have going for it are retarded forms and transformations. Pokemon can go Super Saiyan! Oh now we have these weird finisher moves or what not. Now we have Pokemon that…. arent Pokemon! Clear as day these cocksuckers ran out of ideas, now they have to attach all these bizarre gimmicks to the games just to keep them interesting when all they need to do is get rid of that antiquated horses ass battle system and refocus on competition. And a REAL world map. NEXT

Oh looky here. The only appealing aspect of ARMS is revealed to be a black chick wit a big swollen ass!

And mother fuckin spandex!? HELL YEAH!

That’s cute though. Nintendo learned the value of sex appeal. I wonder if Japan started ignoring Nintendo lately as they went full-on fanservice with melon butt over here. Twin tails are quite popular with otakus. Now how long before Anita and her pack of dishonest cunts catch wind of dis ass and start another petition… hell it probably already happened. 

Sadly, not one ounce of those glutes changes just how shit the combat is. I’m lookin at vids of this crap and all people can think of doing is waiting for the opportunity to grab. Is that the only viable option in this game? Might as well be. The actual attacks are slow to reach their targets, giving said target enough time to move out of the way and counter attack. This shit should’ve been cancelled and remade into a real fighting game. Instead of some gimmicky tech demo for the motion controllers. Eye candy be damned. Oh well, it’ll probably sell record numbers as there’s no accounting for taste these days. Given that there’s an option to use regular buttons, they should’ve just made a normal fighting game. But now they’re just bringing attention to how lame the combat is as of the moment. NEXT

Nintendo introduces the squid cock. Affirming that they are completely out of touch with the modern world, they plan to fuck you in the ass with a mountain of cables. Hench all the black jizz. Nintendo was jackin off to how much they wanted to fuck you with this shit.

Here’s how this fantastic nonsense works. First, you have your phone hooked up to this thing… fuck it, the diagram is already there, you can see how ridiculous this is by virtue of the headset techically already hooked up to the damn console. It shouldve ended there! But naw, lets put the phone up there with some lousy app to burn through your battery, now you gotta find another outlet to keep your phone charged for the duration of your playtime.

 That’s how we do this “handheld” console, finding ways to keep you chained to the goddamned house! Fuck year gais, Nintendo is filled wit “peerless geniuses of game design“, but when it comes to hardware, they’re ran by monkeys. How long have gaming headsets been out on the market? More than 20 years!? Who the fuck attaches them to an app!? Who necessitates some shit like this? 

Again, they’re gonna make you pay for online services in less than 2-3 months, but this is the horse shit they’re offering as an incentive. A wireless console bound by multiple cables just so you can communicate with players, probably some parental control nonsense cause Nintendo’s this giant nanny corporation with no apologies or fucks given. Nintendo,  what are you doin with this shit? Is this app a front for installing spyware on people’s phones to monitor what they do or something? There has to be an ulterior motive behind such a counter productive design flaw.

Overall, Nintendo seems to have changed nothing about how they do things. Whoever thought making an app to operate a headset was a good idea needs to get rammed up the ass by a hot rod. Twintelle is 34 material, and Pokemon is just ruined. But hell, now that Fire Emblem is making money, they can cater to otakus and not give a shit about quality. 
To think people wanted these cocksuckers to buy the Sonic franchise..

Advertisements