Volume 2! Yeah that’s a good name. The budget went to the soundtrack and everything else had peanuts. After about 2 hours you’ll never get back, we get the real Ego, the Living Planet, that ends in a final battle that rips off Man of Steel. There’s about a hundred awesome things you can do with a sentient fucking planet, but no. It ends with a Superman-style fist fight and a radioshack bomb that wipes the guy out.

*sigh* I still don’t know why people love Guardians of the Galaxy. Here we have a sequel that came out with Rave reviews like the first, and I couldn’t begin to guess why. Unlike the first movie which tried to add to the mythos of the MCU, this bundle of nonsense is one big cameo fest. Even so, the first film was an unmitigated piece of shit, one of the worst Marvel movies ever crafted, only being marginally better than the likes of Iron Man 2&3, Dare Devil, and the 2003 Hulk Movie. But even if it was shitty, there was so much potential in a sequel to be better than before, possibly even having Thanos as an antagonist and set up for Infinity War. Instead, we get some bullshit about Star Lord’s daddy issues. Watching this movie all the way through, I get the sense that Gunn had no idea what he and Feige wanted to do and said “Fuck it! Just throw in as many cameos as possible so the fanboys can be marginally pleased!” 

Fair warning. I HATE THIS MOVIE! Not even Rocket could save it from juvenile humor, stunningly bad story, shit script, a central theme about fathers that no one gives a shit about, and Drax the Destroyer just laughing at anything just because! *sigh* So with that out of the way…. lets get on with it. 

Holy shit, The Master of Kung Fu is in this game!?

The shit piece begins in 1980 where we see Kurt Russell’s ol’…. young ass looking for any paycheck he can get… as he rides out with his bitch into the woods to show her an egg of some sort. That’s about it. Flash forward 34 years later as we see the Guardians fight against Shuma Fucking Gorath! (This aint no Doctor Strange sequel, is it?). They don’t say it’s name outright, but interdimensional being is a pretty good description. Buuuuut instead of a being with actual speech and chaos powers, he’s a generic monster with rainbow breath. Fuck you Gunn!

Oh and he dies to Gamora’s sword, proving once again that Disney gives no fucks about the source material in this regard. Exhibit A!

Just… read the first few words. Clear as day, Shuma-Gorath is a god-like being. It took the power of someone equally as badass to take him down. He’s not dying to some fucking flesh wound! And speaking of Doctor Strange, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY NOT PUT SHUMA-GORATH IN THAT SHIT LAST YEAR!? But instead wait for a movie that is completely unrelated to that series to put in an enemy… from that series!? Ugh!

So after the wasted cameo, we see a race of references to Adam Warlock, the archnemesis of Thanos and rival to Doctor Strange. The Sovereign and their queen, Ayesha, who was created after Adam, but seeing what they did to Shuma Gorath….

Anywho, the Sovreign reward them with a prisoner…. Nebula! Spoiler: She doesn’t do shit in this movie worth mentioning. 

I keep thinking Doctor Doom got the better deal in treatment. We’re talking about a space pirate who led a successful campaign against Xander, killing at least 3 members of the Champions of Xander in the process… and she’s relagated to sibling rivalry!? Fuck you Gunn! 

Ayesha acts like a bitch by mentioning Starlord’s daddy and saying he’s an ass (which is true) and the rest of the movie expects me to care that Starlord is pissy about his dad all of a sudden. Why would you request help to deal with a monster and then… insult your hired help after the fact!? It almost justifies what happens next.

So Rocket, being himself, steals some batteries. This pisses off the Sovereign big time and they lead the charge to attacking them with a big ass fleet. Turns out these simple batteries are super important. I don’t remember why, exactly, and frankly the movie doesn’t expect me to care, it’s really just an excuse plot to move things along.

Anywho, the team crash lands on a random planet and Starlord bitches out Rocket for…. being an ass. Kinda hard not to sympathize seeing the little rodent was responsible for what transpired. But hey, considering Starlord’s something a theif too apparently considering his previous exploits, it’s also difficult to agree with him anyway. Afterall, he was probably thinking the same thing after Ayesha’s bitchness.

Does anyone even like Starlord? Never heard of the guy from the comics, but like most movies, his personality probably got douchier in translation. The guy is just unappealing and childish. He makes Iron Man look mature. And all he really does in this movie is whine and bitch everyone out. And this series ex pects me to care about his parental issues? Like I didn’t have enough super hero family drama to keep track of. Is it any wonder why the Captain America movies are fucking amazing!? None of this “my daddy grants me the power of angst” horse shit.

Anywho, the movie cuts to a cosmic hoe bar where we see pointless cameo #3, Howard the Duck making a return just to laugh with some friends. That’s it! But then we get to Yondu where he gets exiled from the Ravagers because Sylvester Stallone IS THE LAUWWW! I guess he needs a check too, and playing a character with only 5 minutes of screen time is good enough for him.

Why is Yondu getting exiled? Child trafficking (Starlord), which brings up the question of why this cocksucker decided to take action now instead of oh idk…. 20 years earlier!? What the fuck does anyone care about old shit? Matter of fact, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE ANYWAY!? YOU’RE CALLED RAVAGERS! YOU’RE SPACE PIRATES/MERCENARIES! You torture your own prisoners and laugh at the misfortunes of others! Child trafficking should be par the course for you dipshits. But…. Now It’s a problem!? Did I miss something in the last movie!? Do these Ravager fucks have some code of honor that bars them from child trafficking or something? 

This exile is not at all important as it affects nothing in the plot. It’s just foreshadowing because these assholes wanted us to care about Yondu for some reason.

Anywho, the members of Yondu’s crew start thinking he’s going soft because he didn’t go after Starlord for tricking them in the last movie. Then suddenly,  Ayesha appears with her motley crew of peasants who… can’t stand to see their Lord’s feet get cold! She has a proposal for Yondu and his dirty crew.

Back to the assholes, Rocket is trying to repair their ship while Starlord, Gamora, and Drax go to explore a bit until they are met by…. Kurt Russell. Oh and Mantis too. A Vietnamese pacifist who was raised and trained by a sect of priests to be a bad ass but only when necessary. 

oh right! Marvel only cares about getting the powers right, so Mantis isn’t even from Earth. Cause… you know, if you wanted us to give a shred of a fuck about Starlord, you’d give him a different internal conflict. None of these daddy issues, what if he started feeling robbed of his own childhood, having to spend the rest of his life under the abuse of some blue asshole and his pack of thieves. 

And here comes Mantis! A character with a similar background to which he could connect and relate to. This connect would be the catalyst to why she helps them fight in the end, but would help Starlord grow as a character… in some regard. OR… you know, just make her a shallow love interest for Drax that literally goes nowhere….. That works! Assholes…

So Kurt just comes out of nowhere and tells Star boy that “Yep, you came from my pair!” And I don’t recall any of them being in disbelief. The 3 decide to go with Kurt and Mantis to his own planet, leaving Groot and Rocket to repair the ship. While they away, Rocket fights off some Ravagers at night. Not a bad scene, but ultimately he gets captured when Yondu arrives on the scene.

Mantis explains that she’s an empath, a being that feels the emotions of anyone she touches. When she tries to read Gamora, she threatens to cut her down. I’d be willing to bet Mantis could take Gamora. 

On Kurt’s planet, Kurt explains that he, himself is the planet. That’s right, folks. Kurt Russell is fucking Ego, The Living Planet! But… instead of someone with a massive superiority complex, we just have a guy trying to take over the universe. You know, it’s not enough for the characters to have their powers, they kinda need their personalities in check. Sure, make some adjustments to make them more appealing to the audience from time to time (Thor) but otherwise, you fuck up what makes the characters unique. Afterall, we have 4 sarcastic quipy heroes! All taking after Iron Man! That archtype got old fast! 

Anywho, he tells the group that he is also Celestial. Fuck you Gunn!

Wait…. So Starlord is an Eternal!? A being of power equal to that of fucking Thanos!? BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

To explain, the Celestials are big, robot lookin fucks who created the Eternals, a race of godlike humans of which Thanos is spawned from. That’s the short version of it. The Eternals had some sort of civil war and one faction, the Deviantss, made an exodus to Saturn’s moon, Titan. Thanos was the only Titan who was born as a mutant, and was shunned for looking ugly.  IE Thanos the mad Titan.

Unfortunately, because it’s a shit movie, no connection between Thanos and Ego was even made. And Ego ain’t no fucking Celestial! 

Anywho, Ego says he was searching for a purpose to his existence (what a shit lie) and talks about how he met Starlord’s mother. Drax of course talks about how stupid that is for a planet to fuck. Good ol’ awkward and juvenile humor!

Back with Rocket, Yondu gets thrown in the cells with him (I missed something, apparently, I tuned out about a million times) and some guy named Taserface takes over. “Hilarity” ensues. Nebula also makes an empty speech, and then Rocket and Yondu bond. Groot (I forgot the little fuck was in the movie) tries to help them escape, but in an attempt to invoke the old “The Mask” movie, Groot keeps handing them the wrong items. 

I just realized how redundant this team is. You have 2 idiots (Groot, Drax), 2 thieves (Starlord, Rocket) and by the end of the movie, 2 assassins (Gamora, Nebula). Even Suicide Squad had more variety than this!

Anywho, Kraglin (I don’t know who he is) breaks them out and Yondu kills everyone on the ship. They escape through a hyperdrive and…. oh hi Uatu!

 Sucks that you’re wasted cameo #4 with overdone cameo Stan Lee, but hey, you’re in a movie! They wasted a CGI expense, but hey, you’re in a movie! Fanboys will be tickled!

Anywho, backon planet familial drama, Starlord bitches out Ego and then Gamora over Ego because she is suspicious of whats going on. Then she storms out, pissed that Starlord is the main character and not Rocket. Then she’s randomly attacked by Nebula who… stops trying to kill her when they see bones. Well shit! I should invite all my past enemies to have some bone broth soup! INSTANT BUDDIES! Or because she just wanted a sister. Goddamn this is a stupid movie.

Mantis tries to tell everyone that Ego is evil, but Gamora chokes the bitch before she can tell anyone.

Starlord is lured into the central chamber where Ego tells him that he made lots of babies specifically to have a second Celestial to Terraform other planets, and he planted seeds on different planets to kickstart this chain reaction. 

This…. makes…. no… fucking…. sense!

Where do I even begin with this idea!? So… Ego makes an overly complicated plan of terraformation by creating seeds and requiring the birthing of newer Celestials to kickstart this process… but never thought about making regular terraforming bombs or some shit? I don’t have the vaguest idea of why he wants to do this outside of “Duh, he’s Ego and he wants all worlds to be remade in his image because he’s egotistical”  even though this aspect of his personality was never featured in the fucking movie! As it stands, Ego is just evil for evil’s sake, and that shit just doesn’t cut it anymore. People will remember Marvel Heroes, but never Marvel villains because the retards directing the movies never thinks about making compelling villains! 

So Starlord gets raped by tentacles and the terraforming begins! But… because Ego mentioned killing his mother, Starlord gets motivated to kick his ass. And we’re supposed to say “For MOM!”

*sigh* I’m beyond offended that the movie thinks I give a rats ass about his mama. We’re supposed to sympathize with Starlord’s undying love for his mother, something that feels artificially grafted onto the second movie, and feel hyped up when Star bitch gets his revenge. The problem? We can’t get angered by the reveal or wishful for Ego’s comeuppance because we don’t know the bitch!

No, we know that she is Starlord’s mother. I’m saying we dont know her. Why she’s so special. Why we should feel saddened or motivated when we found out how she died. Why we should care about her death in any meaningful way. 
Let’s talk about The Lion King and why Mufasa’s was so powerful. Before he becomes maggot food, the first half of the movie, we’re introduced to this guy. We see who Mufasa is, how he interacts with people, and why he’s very important to Simba beyond just a parental figure. You see the 2 of them interact, laughing and playing in a field together. Even after scolding, Mufasa opens up and still tries to have fun Simba. We get the impression that Mufasa is a cool Dad. So when he dies, the audience loses their shit! Not just because of shock value, but we actually got to know this guy! So it’s like “holy shit, they killed him off!” By that extension, we can sympathize with Simba’s anguish and despair. At the same time, he doesn’t have to exposit about why Mufasa was a great guy to be with. We saw it first hand!

Uncle Ben as well to some degree, though the later Spiderman 3 fucks that up by removing Spiderman’s sense of guilt from the equation. 

Now think about why no one gives a shit about Thomas and Martha Wayne. Aside from DC characters being all about their powers and abilities and nothing more.

What do we see of Starlord’s mother? Jack shit! We start that movie with the bitch croaking, and we’re supposed to care!? Fuck you Gunn! These hack jobs couldn’t write a porno if they tried!

So rocket and Yondu show up and immediately, Rocket gets to work using those batteries to make a bomb to wipe out Ego. In the middle of it all, Mantis manages to block some energy… shit from Ego…. then seems to die. Really!? Fuck you Gunn

Starlord then straps a jet pack on Drax to carry Mantis as he screams about his nipples. *sigh*

I think it needs repeating. I…. HATE…. THIS…. MOVIE!!!! And a big part of why are the Guardians themselves. Their traits are all about acting like clowns for an entire feature film, and they rarely move beyond that. And Drax! Ugh!! It’s kind of a shame that I had to find out later on that Drax in the comics was actually reduced to what he is now in the movies, a brainless twat! So in a weird twist of irony, I actually don’t like it one bit.

Considering his older form had flight, super strength, and cosmic beam attacks, he could’ve been the Thor of this series. But no, lets make him as stupid if not more than Groot. See, I tolerated him in the first film as… his stupidity made sense in some regard. “He’s from a race of literal morons! Everything goes over their heads!” And he was legit funny. Here, he’s an insufferable embarrassment. constantly trying  to make the audience laugh at his childishness. He bursts into laughter simply because Mantis reveals that Starlord wants to bang Gamora!? It’s over doing it. Batista must be desperate for that Rock level of fame if he’s doing this shit.

So 

So any way, while Rocket is trying to teach Groot how to detonate a bomb instead of just…. doing it himself, the Sovereign assholes come out of nowhere and…. are still trying to kill the Guardians? First off, Ego just lets them walk right in!? He needs Starlord alive if he’s to complete his plan, and sovereign want him dead! Ah fuck it.

After fighting them off, we get the standard final battle trope where all the heroes get pinned down one by one right around the time where the villain starts monologing to the main hero of how hopeless their chances of victory are, but the hero makes a snappy remark and then fights with all his might, giving the others a chance to escape…. because it creates so much tension, m I rite!? Fuck this whole shot, man. Bomb detonates, Starlord loses his powers….wait.. what!?

Yeah, apparently killing your father removes your hereditary traits! Fuck you Gunn! What the hell was the point of establishing all this mystery and secrets to why Starlord could survive contact with the Infinity Gem…. if you take away what made him special in the first place!? Goddamn this stupid fuck stick of a movie!

Now powerless, Yondu finds him and wraps him in some air bubble and then flies with him into space. There, he makes a “noble sacrifice”  to keep Starlord alive and…. dies.

Yeah, Yondu was a prick in the first movie so applaud his death. Fuck him. And then the movie forces him onto a pedestal by giving him this big ass funeral (Sylvester Stallone shows up for the funeral, but not the fight? As cheesy as that would’ve been, wtf!?) And then Starlord and Gamora boink. Because their relationship actually developed over the course of 2 movies! And not because Gamora was just a green piece of ass to Starlord (Would’ve been Nova if not for Glenn Close’s pasty raisin ass taking the part).

After credits name drops Adam Warlock (totally didn’t see that coming! -_-) and… that’s it.

Well this was relatively short. I guess because I’m not at all passionate about Guardians of the Galaxy. Hell I barely know anything about them outside of Drax and Rocket Raccoon. But the idea of a Marvel Space Adventure in movie form was something I wanted to see since the Fantastic Bore movies. Instead, these movies broke my balls in a desperate bid to appeal to the lowest common denominator. With juvenile humor, flat and unengaging characters, and a big focus on pretty colors. And with crappy characters, the action itself is less than engaging. Much like the first movie, there’s no real tension, rhyme or reason to what happens on screen. There just has to be an excuse for an action scene because “Super Hero movie!”  

As well.. it’s pretty fucking boring. The first movie had these guys going on an actual adventure, which was something I wanted, going from locale to locale, fighting dangerous enemies along the way. But here, the Guardians spend nost of the movie on Ego’s planet talking about their problems. What is this, Watchmen!? GODDAMMIT,  WHERE’S THE ADVENTURE!? Save the sappy forced daddy drama for Iron Man’s bitch ass. It’s like playing Mass Effect 2, everyone has fuckin daddy issues. I can only pray this won’t be a source of conflict for Black Panther, but seeing how his introduction went…

Insultingly enough, Marvel thinks that by cramming in as many callouts and cameos as possible, the comic book geeks would be assuaged by 3 seconds worth of reference boners to say “They care about the source material!” Like the staff of the Living Tribunal from Doctor Strange. Or Howard the Duck. Twice. It’ll totally make up for the lackluster plot!
 While the Fantastic Four made for boring characters, the Guardians themselves just plain suck. Groot is a TERRIBLE character! This wannabe burlap sack from LittleBigPlanet is just a liability with the brain the size of a Lima bean. Only one piece of dialogue, and the audience is supposed to find him cute and enduring?  His only real contribution was making a barrier to keep his team from dying in a crash. Aside from that? He has done NOTHING of worth! 

Gamora is what Black Widow should be, but is ultimately just an ice queen love interest in an under-developed relationship that is 100% Shallow physical attraction.
I already ranted about Drax and Starlord.

Mantis was dissappointing. Not only is she not a fighter like Gamora, she’s practically invisible to the plot, existing only to be shipped with Drax (yeck) She has the job of being a foreshadowing device and not much else.

Yondu’s turn to a sympathetic character without warning is so forced, you’d think Jak’s sudden ability to talk was natural development.  And here’s a question. If you were just keeping Starlord around to protect him from being sacrificed, why didn’t you just TELL HIM!? I’m pretty sure he’d be more grateful if you weren’t just trying to impress your peers. And lessee, beating his ass when he was a child who just lost his mother was a shitty move on his part, no wonder he resents your blue ass. But…. no! The movie wants me to feel sorry for him and accept that Starlord sees this jackass as his real father! Fuck you Gunn! Good riddance to this asshole.

Rocket Raccoon… remains the best character by virtue of being a major asset. It seems as though any victory by this team hinges on his tactics. And the fact that he’s still moderately funny is a plus. Which begs the question of why he isn’t the main character! Maybe delve into his past of being bio engineered into a deranged killing machine. Maybe have him as the one member everyone underestimates until he goes into action…. which kinda happens in the dark forest scene. But no! Starlord’s daddy issues are much more important to establish his god-like heritage. … and then strip him of anything special at the last minute! 

As for the villains…. everyone is par the course. Ego was definitely better than Ronan the Accuser, having Kurt Russell doesn’t hurt either. And admittedly,  his plan was pretty dark. Making children and then killing them because they were inefficient, then deciding to kill Starlord’s mother to remove any distractions, all fucked up by any degree. That being said, I wonder if the Guardians movies will keep borrowing villains from the other heroes. This guy was a Thor villain, for fuck’s sake! Wasn’t Ronan like… a Fantastic Four villain?

Nebula was shit, Taserface was comic relief, Ayesha was just an ass, Shuma-Gorath was infuriating, and that’s all for the badguys who only have about 7 minutes of screen time total.

It is quite amazing how something so shallow can gain any acclaim.  I figured after Doctor Strange, people would be wary of Marvel’s future offerings. I guess it’s because GotG is different from typical superhero movies in that the “heroes” are really out for themselves,  and if they save anyone’s ass along the way, that’s just a perk. And the setting is different. Instead of being trapped on Earth and being bound by shitty rules, you get to see all these strange and vast places, bizarre races, and interesting futuristic technologies. I guess the shit characters don’t matter when it comes to the possibility of a boundless and vast universe. Something the Thor movies should’ve done, but instead got stuck on Earth for Natalie Portman 

Unfortunately, we don’t even get that in this movie. What we get is a piss take of characters bitching about their problems and forced drama. And the feeling of emptiness in how Ego was handled. Ego could’ve been like an “Inside Story” sequence where he lures the unsuspecting Guardians into his planet, and then have everyone trying to escape an ever shifting planet, while they would be on their way to Thanos or something. That would’ve kicked ass. But no, Starlord’s dad is a planet, cause that makes sense. Shit, man! They could’ve made him the son of Captain Mar-vell and I would’ve been down with that! Cause him being the son of a planet is fucking stupid. This dumb ass movie made so much money, how the fuck…..

All of this Culminating in an underwhelming experience in what was already a mediocre franchise. Guardians of the Galaxy is wasted potential. A space adventure turned space opera at the last minute. Fuck this movie, fuck the people who wrote this chunk of shit, fuck the people who paid to see this load, and Fuck you Gunn! Hack job who makes Kojima look like Shakespeare. Fuck you for ruining Drax, Mantis, and Shuma-Gorath. Fuck you for turning what could’ve been the most expansive MCU entry into a fucking punchline of sex jokes. Fuck you for trying to make Yondu redeemable and failing hard. Fuck you for making Starlord an unlikable douche. Fuck you for not getting Richard Rider in this series. And finally, fuck you for Scooby Doo!

Well, w/e nonsense this movie spewed,  it won’t compare to horrors Spiderman Homecoming will unleash.

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