No! There is no happy ending with parasitic motor boats! Face full of cancerous mammeries denied!

I don’t even know a decent way to start off a review for this game (tis why i’ve held off for so long to it + Power Rangers fanaticism + Taxes). The short answer/opening would be to say this game, MGS5 The Phantom Pain in my ass, is fucking long. Often for the wrong reasons. 

That shouldn’t come as a surprise as developers of open-world games don’t know how to properly make a long game without shoving in assloads of filler content deliberately crafted to pad out the runtime! With the exception of Minecraft clones, open-world horse shit is addicted to making you miserable by sending you on endless fetch quests for enough materials or what not just to progress the game. And sweet Amma titty cinnamon, this game is relentless!

It starts off in a hospital where you find your character was in a coma for 9 years and is missing an arm. After too much story regarding how fucked your condition is, you have the option of reconstructing your face. This… “option” does nothing for you until you get the true ending of the game where Kojima trolls you and says the face you created was just a pawn used and disquised as Big Boss to divert attention away from the real Big Boss who’s probably off fucking some hookers or w/e. 

I spoil it here and now so that anyone even considering playing this horse shit will be discouraged from ever having such a thought.

After such false choices, the hospital you are in is attacked by psychopaths who start murdering patients. This opening sequence is perhaps the best part of the game in it’s oh so fucked up glory. Even so, the true ending is poorly disguised here as one of the patients trying to save you sounds like you, has one of his eyes covered, and tells you that you’re talking to yourself when you ask him who he is. This is probably why people say Kojima is a shitty writer. That kind of response makes no relative sense and is just there to foreshadow the true ending! Anyhow, after escaping the hospital, you find that Big Boss is killed in a car accident (OR WAS HE!?) and you are rescued by Revolver Ocelot who is (unfortunately) voiced by that gatdayumm Troy Baker… while running away from a giant flaming whale. Eeeeeeeeeyep

So then you’re flung into your first mission of rescuing Kazuhira Miller, a shades wearing amputee (*hysterical laughter*) who seeks vengeance against Cipher, an organization that you never really get to fight head on outside of random ninja zombies, but is something he’ll never shut up about. I’m convinced you could replace his limbs with swords and you could fool people into thinking he’s a goddamn Pokemon voiced by Robin Atkin Downes. 

Before you can get to said Amputeemon, you will get your first taste of how impossible it is to be stealthy in this game. See, after MGS2, Konami figured a standard radar system was for pussies and wanted to have the most realistic stealth experience possible…. which doesn’t at all feel feasible to do as a lot stealth techniques used in this game wouldn’t work in real life. As such, they don’t work here either! Most Enemy bases are often to well fortified with enemy soldiers covering every single corner of the base, making standard infiltration impossible until you get buddies. Until then, you have to get to some high ground first and scan the base using your binoculars so that you can mark off every enemy you can find. This is so that when you do start infiltration, you would at least see enemies from behind walls. 

Unfortunately, the game expects you to be Captain America and have omnipresent awareness of your surroundings. Enemies are so damn good at their jobs that they can spot you from miles away (even in the dark before using a flashlight! Even when you’re ass deep into the grass!) and before you know it, some bastard spots you off screen because on 1-2 people that are right in front of you. So most infiltration techniques will fail due to lack of visual awareness or a standard radar system like the first few games! Why they took out the radar is beyond me as it would help more here than in previous games. The only tactic that works in this game is diversionary, and that only really works with the buddy system.

After a shit tutorial base, you go to an area where Kaz is being held and holy shit! Is it difficult to avoid detection! I forgot to mention that you can’t just scan an enemy base from one location, you need to do that shit from multiple angles or else you’ll miss enemies hiding behind buildings. And chances are you still won’t be able to mark them all off. If it were ever possible at this point, i’d just go in guns ablaze. But you don’t have the ammo or fire power to tackle about a million soldiers. 

Anywho, after you save his stupid ass, you get attacked by the aforementioned ninja zombies in a sandstorm. Funny enough, I managed to evade them by hiding behind my horse. Ah fuck, I forgot to mention the horse, it becomes useless once you get extra buddies. After that, a chopper picks you up and takes you to the mother base in the middle of the Atlantic. Kaz becomes a paranoid lunatic who thinks everyone is working for Cipher while the real villain of the game reveals himself.  Tedious Base Management!

If you’ve ever played Peace Walker, your nightmares return as this game is basically just that but worse. For one, getting better equipment and support requires Staff organization. Certain weapons require certain “levels” of Staff. like say a fulton device needs a level 6 support staff before you can even start making it. So you need some staff members in the support group to make rhat happen. You can get staff by random volunteers if your fame score is high enough, or kidnapping soldiers you’ve beaten up in the field. Simply adding staff doesn’t automatically increase the unit’s level, their stats need to be high enough to accommodate. So you have to check each bastard’s individual stats (though they’re automatically sorted by highest stat overall,  you may want more people in a certain unit, so…). But then you may find that each unit has a limited number of spaces, and after a while you wont be able to add anymore staff to the unit. So now you have to increase the base’s level, and i’m talking about each and every separate section for each staff unit you need level’d, leading to the necessity to scrounge up enough money and materials to increase the base’s overall capacity. And the higher the base’s level, the more you require.

Tis the most exciting gameplay Metal Gear has to offer!


If that wasn’t bad enough, certain Staff units arent available until you’ve progressed a fair bit through the main story anyways. So it’s just all these arbitrary constraints piled on with even more arbitrary constraints. And yes… you do need to do this as certain missions will require specific items and/or upgrades to complete them all.

Speaking of which, lets talk about these missions. 50 story missions and over 157 side missions, several of which are necessary to continue the actual story. With well over 200 missions tops, you’d think a game with a massive budget of over 80 fucking million would do good on it’s part to deliver fresh and exciting missions to keep you intrigued for the long haul as these missions can take a while to complete if you’re going for stealth. Instead, these cocksuckers have committed 3 sins that spoil what was already a cataclysmic shit show. 

#1 by having a huge lack of mission variety, every mission boils down to infiltration, extraction and/or demolition, and finally exfiltration. Story missions often make things interesting by adding in new areas and whatnot, but other times it’s same shit, different location. Or hell, often times it is the same location!

 #2 is the literal copy/paste of previous missions. I noticed this most when going to Africa (*grumbles*) that multiple side missions are literal repeats of previous missions. I recall redoing a rescue mission by which I infiltrate a random shit shack to save a woman 3 fucking times. Same exact location, npc and number of enemies. This is how they create multiple side missions by literal copy/paste methods. How… lazy is this? The game’s repetitive enough as it is with each having the same general structure. But for some reason that wasn’t lazy enough for them!

#3 is the worst sin. So you remember all those Ninja Zombies I talked about? Story missions involving those assholes happen to be really damned difficult aa those ninjas are hard to kill. Well, combined with some extra missions, after mission 31, Konami decided to reuse previous missions and crank up the difficulty (like one mission requiring you don’t get spotted at all or it’s game over) just so you can unlock… the true ending of the game! The ending by which you replay the very first fucking mission before discovering you’re not really Big Boss at all, but some random asshole who gets manipulated into believing that he is. And I needed to redo extra hard missions to find this out why!? Usually this series tries to be clever in all it’s vaingloriousness. Here, there’s no reason to replay these missions on hard as the pay off does not match up with the effort needed to achieve such an ending (which could be said of a lot of games these past few generations, actually). It resolves nothing and leads to an inconclusive plot. Compounded with all the other repetitive nonsense going on in this shit piece, and you have Kojima’s balls in your mouth.

I’ve talked a fair bit about the game’s buddies and I found that to be the only saving grace in this game. You get 4 buddies, the first being a horse that makes traveling a cakewalk. You can also tell it to shit. …Kewl… the second is a dog.

That is fucking adorable

Actually you gotta wait until he grows into a trained wolf before using him. He can literally mark off enemies in a base without the need of you pulling out your binoculars,  which makes infiltration much easier. you can also train him to knock out or kill enemies with a knife. O_O. Admit it! That is quite badass! .

Third, you get a Walker Gear, a better or worse horse in that calling for him usually ends up  with it entering. an area full of enemies before getting destroyed. Stupid robot.

And finally you have the Sniper Quiet. This chick can decimate entire enemy base camps in mere seconds, making her just damned essential for just about any mission. And it goes without saying that she is the most controversial character in the game for being cheap sex appeal. Normally, I wouldn’t care as i’d enjoy it anyway… until she gets interrogated and kaz burns her skin with salt water all the while the camera pans over her ample anatomy while she shrivels in pain. Uh..

Regardless, the game is fucking long as a result of all the nonsense you have to do as a result  Peace Walker’s base development system being reimplemented and literal repeats of missions throughout the game. Hell, i think im still playing it! Missions can take as long as 15-20 minutes without a buddy or spending GMP which also drags the game down. And knowing that a lot of what you do in game amounts to jack shit!?  No satisfying conclusion, no actual conclusion,  no decent unlockable rewards!? I wish open-world games weren’t such glorified time wasters, but this takes the cake! You feel no sense of accomplishment going through it all. 

To top it all off, there’s an extra mission that costs you one of your buddies. You’ll have no warning of it happening but at some point, you get a prompt that Quiet is missing, the mission to find the naked bitch is a trap. You cannot exit the mission once you begin, even if you quit and restart the game, you’re locked in until the mission is done. And once you beat that mission, your best goddamn Sniper is permanently removed from your team.

In the words of Razorfist, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

This game is a tragedy. A mockery. A desecration and an abomination. Not just of the Metal Gear franchise. Of video gaming itself! Worse than Inquisition (ok I can’t even lie like that), worse than the Last of Us, worse than anything High Voltage Studios crapped out. A 20 hour blackhole of douchebagness with a gravatational pull so strong that no joy can escape! That won’t stop idiots from making open-world cock jobs like Watchdogs in the future, but… least I tried. 

So, who saw Power Rangers? 😛

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