This was me when my original post got wiped

Alright. ..lemme try this again… got… mutha fuckin… asia making me feel like shit… Ahem..

Silver the Hedgehog, hoooo boy. This poor fuck was hated by everyone back then. Many had valid reasons for why. Questionable design, shitty voice, lacking personality, telekinesis being a cheap and unoriginal original. Some just hated him for being another Hedgehog or being too similar to Shadow (because he has a resting bitch face?). W/E the reasons, the fans made sure Sega knew that he wasn’t welcome to Deviantart. It’s somewhat a shame as Silver’s story is probably the least aggravating one to play through. Though it takes a few minutes to get accustomed to Silver’s, his story is an absolute breeze.

Gameplay, Zones & Bosses

One thing needs to be said. Silver was not designed for combat. His abilities often compel the player to run away and find anything they can throw at enemies. Yeah…  he’s one of those characters. Without any objects to throw, you have to get really fuckin close and try to stun the enemies, which is more arduous than it needs to be considering how all of your attacks leave you vulnerable. I’d assume first that this was why people hated Silver overall. And the last 3 zones don’t let you ignore enemies.

It’s better to avoid engaging enemies unless you love an asswhoopin. Silver is more about navigating zones and finding the best route possible to the goal (at least… for the 1st 2 zones). I noticed a lot of slowdown playing Silver, too. Everytime I grabbed more than 3 objects (even goddamn apples!) the game starts going at a pitiful crawl. That’s a testament to how bad the technical problems are in this game when key aspects of gameplay hinder…. actual gameplay!

Blaze…ugh… it pains me to say it.. but she’s more fun than Sonic. Her homing…… claws are configured differently than a standard homing attack, so that takes getting used to. Her fire spin is shit.

Silvers variation of the 9 zones are pretty damned easy, so there aren’t alot that are note worthy outside of maybe 4 zones.

Tropical Jungle is a cheater’s paradise, and is literally the easiest and fastest zone to clear… unless you’re a kid, then it’s a massive cluster fuck. It is ridiculously easy to get lost in this beyond shit level design. Because of Silver’s hovering abilities and the lack of linearity, you’re bound to end up frustrated and stuck. I’m guessing it was supposed to be a treasure hunting level but then had to give Silver a finished zone?

Dusty Desert can fuck right off! 2 guesses as to why. Hints would be “AR & B”. Stumped? Fine.

  1. Amy Rose: This cunt right here is a bitch to play! I thought Silver was ass in combat! First off, her hammer has zero range or size, so it’s another character who has to get really fuckin close to the enemy to kill em. That and her recovery times are atrocious. Secondly, her jumps need a lot of momentum before lift off, but her double jump loses momentum!? Well what the hell is the point of building momentum!? Thirdly, invisibility serves no purpose. And finally… It’s Amy Rose.
  2. Balls!


It took me 20 minutes to beat it. I don’t know what notoriously sadistic shit bird made this puzzle, but I could swear he was brought back for Lost Mind. Right before the damn goal, even! I know there was supposed to a glitch that you could exploit to get past the door, but I couldn’t replicate it. Somehow I managed to beat it legit.

    Kingdom Valley was just a pain in my ass. So many missiles off screen, it was just frustrating. Not to mention that they blow away my goddamn rings before my character can get off his lazy ass to pick them back up… Because some asshole developers thought it was a good idea to make your character sit on his ass after taking damage! Amma, why was this even a thing in 3D Sonic after Heroes!?

    Flame Core was a tad cumbersome. With Act 1, they put in these mini canyons with several rock pillars that you had to navigate. It had all these bats just shooting my ass with molten shit bombs, rings falling in the lava, it was a mess. Act 2 was a little better even though it was flooded with enemies. But yo can actually skip them this time. Near the end, you’re dealing with a great ball of fire. As you make your way to the top, you have to hide behind small rocks to avoid the shockwaves that emits from the ball (I dont get it either). Then you gey on top of the ball and destroy it. Zone done.

    All of Silver’s bosses are piss easy and short thankfully. Silver’s given plenty of debris to hurl at the big bastards so they’ll go down soon enough. It sure beats the waiting games in Sonic’s story. 

    ….Well, Shadow was an ass. The Sonic fight was easy cause you could just throw all the chairs at him, but here you have all these obstacles that get in the way of your attacks. Not to mention the camera gets fidgety with all these objects in the way, so the fight gets disorienting. And this son of bitch likes to stun you with his little chaos spears & then smack you into the ground, so getting close to him is a no go. It’s really the environment that works against you.

    Story & Missions

    As much as I want to deny it, Silver’s story is really no better than Sonic’s. There’s plenty of logical failures and wasted resources here that makes the Ratchet and Clank movie look tolerable. Let’s get on wit it.

    Silver kicks off this bitch with narration (cause that never breaks the immersion, yah dig?) about how shitty the future is. How life is a struggle where people live without hope. I wanna see evidence of the “living“. You don’t see people anywhere in this city, which is understandable because it’s on fucking fire! After monologing, Silver dispels a flaming tornado using psychic powers, because he needed to look badass for the trailers somehow, so here’s some random fire that’s no real threat! After a while, Blaze (uggggh) appears to tell him that Iblis had arisen, and they both go off to check him. Keep in mind that Silver can flyAt high speeds

    When the duo finds him, Pete Cappella shows why he was replaced by Quentin Flynn later on. Afterwards, Silver gets pissy because he’s whooped Iblis’s ass so much, he’s bored and just wants him dead. Then out of nowhere, Yugioh… ahem, Mephilis appears out of nowhere to haiku about chicken eggs. Idk why, but hearing Dan Green talk about chickens and eggs is funny to me. 😛 He talks a good deal about needing to attack the source of the problem. Silver asks if he knows how to do so, which is wrong. The first thing he should have asked was “Who are you, and where the hell did you come from!?”

    Meph shows them a computer room Where he explains that he can travel through, something that Silver accepts at face value annoyingly enough. He then talks about “the Iblis Trigger”, handing them a chaos emerald from his own asshole that shows them an image of Sonic. 

    Ok. There’s about 1001 things wrong with this whole scene, but uh… since when did Chaos Emeralds do shit like this!? All they’re supposed to do is add power! To people or machines! Now they give mother fuckers visions!? With Sepheroth style fire fields!? 

    I amazed that Silver blindly accepts all of this without question. But hell, he might just be desperate. Living in a hell hole all your life where it’s too damn hot can do that to people.

    Blaze says her one and only line the entire time they’ve been around Meph before he sends them to the past.

    Then they get separated. Silver ends up in Tropical Jungle while Blaze in Wave Ocean. Silver marvels at the beauty of poorly rendered mountains and proclaims that he must “fight for the future!” 

    After 2 piss easy zones, Silver is in town as he spots Sonic staring off into space. As he tries to kill him here and now, Amy somehow gets on the roof and gropes him down undah.

    Look at him waving his arms around, like “fuck yearh, free hand jobs!” Then Amy looks at the camera like “wait… something feels off! Hey you’re not Sonic!”

    Ahem… Silver gets pissy as Sonic leaves, and Amy, in all her wondrous logic, thinks that because he’s lookin for someone, he’ll just help her look for Sonic, takes him by the arm and drags him off somewhere.

    And back to town means… back to work. I had to find a way into Dusty Desert, and in order to do that, I had to find Lord Regis or whoever the guard captain was and get his permission. Or I could fly there… cause… you know…. Silver can flyAt high speeds. But fuck all that, Regis wants to a game of liar liar (what a responsible adult you are!) before letting me in. Basically, you have to guess who the guard captain is by asking other guards who is who. Basically, one guard will say the other is lying, yadda yadda. Turns out the asshole you talked to for the mission in the first place is the guard captain. 

    These missions had to have been padding because… this was literally a waste of time! I don’t see why they had to pad out the game, each story has 9 long ass zones each, all of which could rip you to shreds. And hell, the very next Zone has the time consuming ball puzzles. Requiring the completion of missions before entering certain zones was entirely unnecessary. And the missions themselves are illogical given the context. Why would a guard captain who sealed off an area of the city only grant access to certain parties if they win a game of guess who? And why should I agree to it if I can fly over the damn gate? 

    Anywho, as they head into Dickish Desert, Silver looks like he’s out of breath while Amy gets overly excited for no reason. Silver again gets sidetracked by his surroundings, and tells Amy that he’ll help her look for Sonic (youve been doing that anyway, dipshit) and they head deeper into the desert.

    After that tedious nonsense, they head back into town where Silver finds Sonic and wastes no time trying to murder him. I’m sitting here thinking “well goddamnsomeones in a rush! Ditched Amy completely!” So they fight, Sonic is on the ground, I saw this scene already, skip.

    Amy ofcourse chews out Silver for wanting to kill Sonic, where Silver rebukes that the blue bastard destroyed his world. Amy then goes on to proclaim that if she had to choose between the world and Sonic, it would be Sonic. 

    And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Amy Rose is the absolute worst character in the whole damn franchise! Her ambition for dick is so strong, she would risk the devastation of an entire planet

    She leaves Silver immediately while he goes to contemplate near the coast, where Blaze conveniently shows up. Instead of asking her where she’s been all this time, he instead asks whether or not it’s right to kill someone to save the world (youre just now asking this!?)

    Youre so naive!” Says the cunt who followed Mephilis without question. Silver then decides to infiltrate Robotnik’s base for any info on Sonic, nevermind how he even knows who Robotnik is. What did he plan to find there, anyway?

    I don’t quite remember what I had to do to get to Acropolis, so let’s skip ahead to where Silver and Blaze are ambushed by Egg Genesis (did you really think you were sneaking into this place?) After what had to be a piss easy boss battle, Silver randomly finds a Chaos Emerald in the remains of the robot… wait… is that the same one Robotnik duped Sonic into giving him!? Why the fuck would he put it in Egg Genesis!? Chaos Emeralds must not be valuable to you or something. Blaze is suddenly an expert on these rocks and tells Silver that they transform your thoughts into power. Why couldn’t she say that when Mephilis gave them one at the beginning of the game?

    Also, Silver wanted to come here to learn something new. What did they learn!? Anything!?

    Then the game goes straight to Amy (why!?) as she sneaks into Robotnik’s base (how!?) In order to find Sonic. Instead, she bumps into Elise who was in the middle of escaping herself (SecurityWhats that!?). The alarms blare off, they escape back to town, and proceed to have a kawaii girl discussion about hot guys they want to bang. 

    Really! There’s a cutscene devoted to this BS! This is what we play Sonic games for, right!? Some animu highschool bullshit!? Afterwards, there’s a mission whereby you escort Elise back to the Castle by destroying robots… only for this skinny bitch to get captured again just in time for Radical Train. 

    WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT SHIT!? This whole segment was a waste of time! It added nothing of value to the overall story! Elise breaks out to get put right back in prison. No twist in the plot, nothing! All so they could put in a scene devoted to some shipping nonsense!? What for!? To pander to otakus!? Deviantart!? You mean to tell me they can’t polish up the game’s own physics engine, but they can waste resources to make this scene possible!?

    This shit just triggers me. It adds nothing to the game, but they felt it necessary to include this whole segment. Is Amy actually popular in Japan or something? That’s the only reason I can think of as to why she was shoehorned into the game. She does carry something of a “magical lolita” essence, what with her invisibility powers she never had before. Cause after this, she doesn’t appear until the last goddamn story!

    Anywho, Silver and Blaze return from snowville to find Meph staring off into space. Silver asks if it’s right to kill Sonic, where Meph basically tells him to piss off and do as he is told. Again, Blaze is silent.

    So now I had to get to Radical Train. First, I had to buy some upgrade that allows me to quickly dash (it’s about as worthless as you could imagine). Then I go to the station to initiate a stealth mission! YesThey threw this in there too!

    Theres an astonishing number of reasons this is bullshit, but I’ll list 2

    1. Silver has psychic powers. If he needed to, he could toss those pussy guards out of his path. He can also block bullets so if any of the guards get that idea…
    2. Silver can flyAt high speeds. He can just fly to the damn train yards and catch Sonic that way!

    Anyways, after another easy Zone, Silver beats Sonic’s ass again, Shadow appears,  and another hog fight takes place.

    I like how even though you win the fight,  the game stil makes you go out like a bitch. Even though Silver could force the bastard, he decided to punch him instead. After a head kick that made all Shadow fanboys jizz, they both use Chaos Control (Shadow isn’t special anymore, I swear) and open a gateway to the past as they both agree to jump inside. Btw, I’m still pissed that time stones weren’t used.

    In the past, we see an experiment go haywire and blow up. Here, we find Solaris split into 2 beings? Iblis and Mephilis. How and why? You’ll never never know, unfortunately, as the game refuses to elaborate. Shadow and Silver both agree to go after their respective prey.

    Silver finds Iblis in some room and…. just holds him place? Dawg, you dispelled a fire tornado, just crush the little fucker and be on your way. Then the King arrives with his daughter, Elise, in hand to have Iblis sealed inside her. Her father is a dick. Now she’s got some devil juice inside her and she’s not allowed to cry or else!? How fucked is her life? Then he dies so… blah

    So Silver leaves Elise by a tree, Shadow arrives to place a scepter on the ground (more on that later) and the 2 make a portal to the present, but not before Silver leaves his Emerald with Elise. “Keep it as a good luck charm” for a future of kidnappings by an old fat guy.

    Well that would explain why Elise saw Silver in Sonic’s place for a wuick second. But her eyes were closed the entire time- aww fuck it.

    Back in the present, Blaze asks what Silver saw in the past, cause obviously she just knew where the hell he was the entire time. I forgot dialogue here and we’re off to Kingdom Valley! Or… we would be if we didn’t have MOREBLOODY. ..TRIALS!

    All things considered, these trials make more contextual sense than Sonic’s. The trial of friendship involves rescuing Blaze from a cage surrounded by enemies. The trial of memory involves a quiz that I kept fucking up on. And the Trial of Courage involves fighting enemies without rings. 

    Now this is much better. I can see these being actual rites of passage for an area of high regard. Still, I shouldn’t have to do them based on the fact that Silver can flyAt high speeds. Shouldn’t need that damn bird either.

    Anywho, we see Sonic facing a bunch of rob-…..OMG SILVER FLEW IN THERE!!! HE FLEW GODDAMMIT!! Aww fuck it. So they team up only to find Robotnik’s ship breaking apart. You know, you can still fly- aww fuck it. Chaos Control to jump back in time and… Silver and Blaze jump in after him to… go back to their future!? Da fuq, they can traverse to divergent time periods in one portal!? Fuck the time stones, Chaos Control is the shit!

    Silver has a plan to destroy Iblis that doesn’t involve changing the past (if you had killed the little speck of embers when had the chance…I would’ve won this already!) and Silver’s big plan was to… seal Iblis into his own body! Wow, you are an idiot! Has no one tried water? Seriously? Crack open dat Master Emerald so we can get a kaijuu fight or something. 

    Anywho, when he tries to seal, Iblis wasn’t havin it and was just fightin him off. Then has the idea that because she has fire powers, Iblis will accept her as the vessel (because we have to validate her inclusion somehow) so while she struggles to keep this bastard under control, Blaze demands Silver to seal her in another dimension (HE CAN DO THAT!? SINCE WHEN!?) However, he says he can’t do such  thing because he doesn’t want to lose his best friend Blaze, which is some bullshit

    This entire story and we have zero evidence these 2 doorknobs had anything more than an alliance. And now we have this little moral of “sacrifice” that was just tossed in there for a cheap emotional effect? It doesn’t work that way, asshole! This sacrifice was in no way earned! We have no reason to be invested in this friendship because it did not exist. We cannot feel shit

    Anyways, Iblis is sealed, Blaze disintegrates for some reason, and the clouds all disappear. The world is finally safe! What’s left of it anyway.

    Silver stands on that cliff… alone…fuckthat‘s a depressing ending.

    So that’s Silver’s story mode. It’s not that much better than Sonic’s mode in terms of plot as it has just as much stupidity. Why silver doesn’t bother to fly anywhere, why Solaris split into 2 beings, why Silver can use Chaos Control (hellwhy can Sonic?) Why Amy is even in the game, why Robotnik would hide his emerald in a security drone rather than a secure place, why the 2 don’t question Mephilis’s motives, etc.

    Gameplay wise, it’s a much smoother ride. The zones are incredibly easy if not time consuming, the bosses are shorter and far less strenuous, and yeah, hurling boxes at enemies is funny to me. If anything, i’d say its the most enjoyable mode in the whole game… if it weren’t boring half the time. The pacing is shitty all over so…

    Otherwise, it’s not so bad. The wasted resources of the plot withstanding. 

    (Next: Shadow)

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