Hey Millennial parents! Don’t want your child to waste too much of their time playing videogames, but lack the necessary pair to dictate such wishes? Theres an app for that!

Holy shit, I didn’t even catch this last month. I’m shocked it’s even real. Nintendo is literally making an app to have parents monitor and control how long their children get to play on their little Stitches. “Fuck yearh, Nintendo cares about Children staying fit and active!” Omg, this is probably the dumbest thing they’ve ever thought up. You can turn every parent into Big Brother surveillance!

Real parenting must be a thing of the past. Cause all the parents are obviously millennials who can’t pry themselves off their phones or iPads long enough to raise their fucking kids. Now we have Nintendo feeding into this toxicity with an app that enables parents to take solice in having kids and never putting down their phones. The sad part is… I’d want to say leave the actual parenting to the parents, but a lot of people wouldn’t even agree to that because parents don’t know how to raise their kids these days. They just shove the little iPads into their tiny faces so they won’t misbehave in the store while mommy looks for some high fructose corn syrup to fuck up their livers.

 I don’t know about y’all but I’m disturbed by all the babies with these screens that are half their height. I remember all the time seeing babies and toddlers and shit always trying to get out of the carts, trying to get their little hands on w/e they can. It’s a hassle for the parents, sure, but that’s natural! With their tiny ass eyes, everything is fucking huge! They’re thinking “oh shit! This place is new and interesting! I gotta explore this shit, it looks amazing!” Cause that’s how they are, they’re full of energy, an full of intrigue, they so eager to know what’s in their surroundings. Nowadays, I see all these kids who are completely silent with these blank expressions staring at these fucking screens. They’ll go blind in no time flat. There’s no energy, no interest, just mindless zombies tapping away at a flat surface. That really bothers me. But that’s some other shit.

There’s also a feature to keep track of your child’s favorite games? Da fuq, you got lips, right!? Just ask them! This…. oh Amma, this isn’t asking some jack off to marry you, it’s a little fucking kid and what they like to waste your energy bills playing. That’s what a family is supposed to do, communicate and shit! Of course you have the age restrictions because the ESRB is a failure. That’s what parental controls were originally intended for.  Restrictions on online communications, Nintendo is full of sissies, man! Friend codes on steroids. I know, Japan is afraid of the internet (literally). It’s hilarious. Nintendo still won’t pop their tits outta player’s mouths. 

Damn man, last year people were all hyped up on Switch because the trailer had adults exclusively, then you see this shit. It kinda makes sense cause the majority of games they showed off were some kids shit anyway. There’s nothing wrong with that, kids need entertainment too. I personally wouldn’t spend $300 for a game console so a kid could break the screen, but that’s me. If parents were really concerned about these issues, don’t buy the damn console for your kids in the first place. Problem solved. Small children especially don’t need a video game system in their early years. You don’t need some stupid app to tell you that kids have no self-control (theyre fucking kids) to turn a game off after long periods, they get sucked into that shit non-stop.

Damn Im getting old. I’m up here talking about parenting and I don’t even have kids. I gotta check youtube for parodies of this shit, this deserves to be mocked. I know a lot of people are probably like “but what about parents who don’t have enough time to spend with their kids, this is totally useful, gais!” If any parent feels they need this app for any reason, they failed as parents. 

Restrictions on online communications, I’m still shocked they’re gonna make you pay for online services. That’s the end of free online gaming for consoles. As soon as Nintendo jumped on that ship, it’s done for. That’s never coming back. Personally I never cared about online gaming, but every game revolves around internet now a days, that’s just added expenses. You got consoles that cost an arm and a dick, most of the good games being digital only, yeah videogames are slowly but surely becoming unaffordable again. Exclusive to the rich. It’s like we’re going backwards. Are developers still inventing ways to ensure you don’t buy used games? That would be hilarious.