Well, it’s been 10 years since the release of this child of sin. Gracing consoles and cursing this series to damnation, left unmitigated by the apathy of SOJ who, more or less, joined with the rest of Japanese developers in just plain bullshittin. Since then, there have been a million goddamn theories, debates, flamewars and loads of untamed aggression the entire video game community had bottled up and would unleash in the most… well, words haven’t been invented yet to describe everyone’s frustrations. Just… anger and anger and anger and anger.

Justified anger, yes, as it were for 10 fucking years that Sega just seemed to have no care in the world. The severe lack of transparency just piled on the frustration. 

I’m amazed people still talk about 06 even after the failure of Boom. No one talks about Other M, Sunshine, Act Zero, DmC, etc. People can easily ignore the detestable unmentionables of other franchises quite easily. Sonic has to be a bad ass franchise for this one game to piss people off so badly.

But this was what baffled me. I’ve probably played over 80 games on PS3 alone. The bugs and glitches I’ve encountered in several fuckfests are far more damning. Console lock ups, lost inventory, characters getting perma stuck in an area requiring a restart… hell, I think people pointed out the Witcher 3 being one of the buggiest games on current gen hardware, and it’s getting assloads of rewards.

I decided “I gotta really see what it is about this game that is pure evil!”

Ok, fo real, I just wanted to play Silver again. πŸ˜›

But then I remembered I deleted the save file I had for the game, and I had no means of bruteforcing a completed save. SoI had to actually play the game! I’m like “FUCK! I don’t wanna play this shit from the beginning!” But I did… and… christs balls, I honestly think this game was more stressful than Jak 2. Not even attributed to bugs and glitches or unfinished physics half the time, it was just what the game demanded from you during all this shit that really ruined what patience I would have.

….So… lets get on with it.

Hell, itll probably kill yah!

It should be noted that this is probably the most “Japanese” Sonic will ever feel. The story (if you can call it that) is loaded with animu/JRPG tropes, complete with a finale that contains an alternate dimension and a final boss that looks like one of those tribal tattoos that douchebags put in their backs. Complete with angelic wings… I think. And there’s a scene where 2 dumb bitches discuss their lust over blue dick (shit you typically see in high school animes where one cunt is all like “oh you wanna bang him, doncha!?” And the other bitch goes “wha? What are talking about!?” That kind of shit). Then you got Shadow and Blaze playing the emotionless know-it-all types that these cartoons masturbate to. It’s almost too easy to see why the content fails.

There’s also symbolism here and there, most of it religious (joy!). Shadow, Sonic, and Silver representing Past, Present, and Future respectively. The first form of Solaris looks like some bird, probaly referring to Amun Ra, the Sun god of Kemet. Probably some cheap attempt at demonizing old gods. I don’t see why it can time travel, though. I’m still pissed that time stones weren’t used.

Anywho, I start off Sonic’s story, still amazed at how Sonic just appears out of nowhere, on cue, and we’re expected to say “hell yeah, it’s on!” Then the following scene, after saving Elise, the pack of helium vocal cords still gets nabbed. Your homing attack just became canon, and you won’t bother to use it here!?

Then I go through town to find tails, again just out of nowhere. Sonic and his peeps don’t have any reason to be here, they just are. Silver and Shadow were actually given valid motivations to be in Soleanna at the time, but Sonic’s crew is simply here to save the day. Seems odd. Probably where the complaints of “spotlight stealing hedgehogs” came from cause Sonic is just there.

So before I can hit Wave Ocean, I have to buy upgrades first, but before I can do that, I have to complete a mission to earn rings. Now originally I thought this was all missions would be for. But later on, Sega decides to butt fuck me in that area by requiring certain missions to be completed before going into a new Zone. This was a deceptively scripted mission designed to acclimate the players to the game’s flow, more or less. Seeing that damn load screen is going to get old fast.

Wave Ocean

Here I am in bootleg Emerald Coast. Act 1 is pretty straightforward. Just blast through the place, destroy enemies, and hope you don’t die. After a while, you get to the whale segment (I guess that was the most memorable part in SA1) and after some board jumps, Sonic latches onto a whale, but doesn’t let go. Instead, he instructs Tails to close a gate. Da fuq?

My memory of this game isn’t that good, but why the fuck can’t he just jump off somewhere!? He literally hangs on the Whale’s fin for the duration of Act 1 and waits for Tails to close a gate before the Whale can escape. 

Dumb shit like this is cringe-worthy. But then I had remembered a key quote from asia-catalog. 

The Japanese have no respect for logic. Logic and rational thought hold no value in Japanese society where the main priority,  above all else, is maintaining social cohesion, either through lies, oppression, or absurdities. 

So based on that, I can only assume this was done simply to acclimate the player to how Amigos work, and nothing more. See? 06 is totally Japanese! And man is tails shit in this game! His only means of attack is hurling ring bombs at enemies. You don’t want to be on the ground for these attacks. He’ll stand still and toss shit with terrible range whie being completely vulnerable to attack. You wanna fight enemies, you need to be in the air just carpet bombing these fucks.

Act 2 is a mach speed zone. This was the reason I gave up playing Sonic’s story on several occasions. These sections are horribly wonky, and jumping is a gamble as he can’t move in midair for some reason, it’s like playing oldschool Castlevania. Somehow I beat this shit on the first try.

So after that noise, Sonic and Tails catch up to Robotnik’s carrier…only to leave when it just seems out of reach. They seemes to forget one tiny important detail.

TAILS CAN FUCKING FLY! GET YOUR DUMBASSES IN GEAR AND BLOW THAT SHIT OUT OF THE SKY!

But fuck it! A game needs to happen! So we’re back in town, and I have enough cheddar to buy a bounce ring. A cheap reminder that a better game exists. After some girl who managed to get on the roof, I gain access to the desert.

Egg Cerberus

I remember last time I fought this bitch, I flew into the air and died. It was funny as hell. This time the fight went smoothly but it brings up an issue I’ve had with Sonic games of the modern era. Every fucking boss battle is a multitask/waiting game! Long, boring, and tedious is the name of the game, and SHIT have Sonic games fallen into that trap. Ever since Metroid Prime, Boss Battles requiring super specific strategies have been more than unwelcome. If you happen to die during these turd fests, you’ll discover the terror of having to do any of that shit a second time! 

The last 2 generations of games have seen boss fights taking as long as 10 minutes, that’s completely unnacceptable. Long bosses are never fun to deal with. I remember one developer saying he wanted a boss fight to last over 20 minutes to make it feel epic. Apparently, stupid asses like that exist in this industry. And they were in full force here. I was missing Heroes and Shth so much after playing this shit.

But w/e, I beat it.

Dusty Desert

How creative Is this zone name, btw? πŸ˜› So we have yet another Zone that is designed purely to acclimate the player to some under-handed gimmick. Any area with 1-ft of sand is treated as quick sand. Here, Sonic carries sunburnt bitch through the desert while she has the  ability to form a flaming barrier that protects against quick sand… somehow.

After that mess, we get a bonding moment between Sonic and Elise so cringe-worthy, I had to skip it. It looked like an unfinished CG movie anyway.

We’re back in town just in time for Silver to rape me to crumbs!

Silver the Hedgehog

FUCK this was a cheap ass fight! See, you can’t get close to this asshole without him grabbing you and tossing you in random directions.

ITS NO USE! TAKE THIS!”

ITS NO USE! TAKE THIS!”

UGH! Sometimes he’ll catch you near a wall and smash you against it from a short distance. If so, it’s yo ass, cause then he grabs you immediately afterwards. You’ve lost all your rings and before you can them up, he nabs you and flings you to a wall, and you’re dead! I swear, I thought I was gonna have aneurysm. But I had to just keep my distance, wait for the son of a bitch to get impatient, and tag him while he’s carrying shit. Took me 5 fuckin times to figure that out, I was too busy bitching.

So then Elise gets kidnapped… again, and Sonic is saved by Amy ofALL people, and im back in town. Somehow Tails returns and I head to the warehouse to see mah boi Knux ignoring his duties as guardian… again. See… why is Knuckles even here!? And why is his face so shitty

He’s got one of those scrunched up grouchy baby faces, goddamn whoever modeled these faces are assholes. πŸ˜›

Somehow, he gets a card with a holovid of buttnik making bargins.

 I head over to Acropolis only to be impeded by a mission. Before I can even enter the damn gate, I have to destroy a certain amount of enemies. By now, Silver could’ve found me and ripped me to shreds. All the time I’m forced to waste just running around town.

White Acropolis

Soooo, Act 1 is where I started having  technical problems. This stupid ass snowboard has no physics programing worth half a tit. I’m constantly slowing down or stopping on slopes, and I could’ve sworn I died just going down a slope! Yeah, i’m just out-running a giant snow ball, and after running into a wall, Sonic just kills over for…. no reason! I was like… “wha?”

Rolling around on my snowy grave, got places to go but I’m going on death row!”

Man, that’s…. bad. Ain’t even an excuse for that.

Act 2 has me using Tails for no reason, and I gotta destroy searchlights. Why?After what was a completely unnecessary character change, i’m back to using Sonic and am faced with so much open space, I was losing my mind. Mainly cause I got lost so damn often. The whole area reminded me of Sonic Robo Blast 2 where some of the levels were just big, wide open spaces for no reason. It gives the impression they just threw all this shit together without any idea of what to do with it all.

Acropolis… I officially hate this Zone. Hell, I didn’t even get to play Knux.

The trio makes it inside the base where Robotnik demands an emerald in exchange. It’s obvious what happens next, but hey, Sonic was a desperate man in a desperately bad game, desperately lookin for poon. Can’t blame him, just his poor taste. But, to the future it is!

As we descend into what looks like hell from Constantine, we meet Shadow and Rouge, 2 characters that people suddenly started to hate for some reason. Both groups agree to look for emeralds and… the lack of charisma Sonic displays here is disturbing. Where’s the mutha fuckin energy!? He doesn’t seem to care about anything going on, or why Shadow and Rouge are with them in the future, or why it literally looks like hell. He just seems to be elise’s personal ass whiper in this game.

Crisis City

By the balls of Ra, I hate this Zone! 4 Acts of nonsense. Act 1 is more snowboarding (where the fuck does he get a snowboard from!?) That is surprisingly easier to get through. Shit randomly explodes as you progress. And… it’s over.

Act 2 is on auto pilot. You just watch Sonic get launched all over the place in what is the most vertigo inducing level to date. Act 3 is just basic platforming with some minor fuck ups on my part, but half the time my homing attacks wouldn’t lock onto an enemy and i’m flying all over the place to my death. This is probably why the last 4 3D Sonic games (Boom is not a game) have these cursors appear on enemies indicating a lock.

And then there’s Act fuckin 4. Lawd have mercy, this is why I used a save file last time. Fuck this whole mach speed zone. Fuck all these cars that randomly fly out of the tornado, fuck all this debris in the road, fuck this camera chaging views mid act, fuck the shit ass controls, just fuck all of it! Lost all my damn lives in 1 go! I had to play this twice more just to beat it. This whole section is pure luck! Like I said before, movement is very wonky, and then you’ve got poor jumping controls, and this cluttered ass level that is constantly throwing shit at you before you have enough time to react! Then the goddamn camera wants to change views on you so you can see the flaming tornado chase you, and hurl cars. But you can’t see where you can pick up rings! So if you get yo ass whooped by flaming whips, you better pray you’re on a path that rings pop up in. Cause chances are you will die around here!

Somehow I actually fucking beat it! Still no knux play. The trio of dumbasses lament of how shitty the future looks (I don’t think Sonic speaks here) until they happen upon a room where Silver, Mephilis, and Blaze (I forgot that cunt was in this game) disappear into the past. Again, you will note Sonic’s lack of shits givin. You just found the bastard who tried to murk yo ass in the past, and you say nothing about it!? But as soon as Tails brings up Elise dying, he pipes up like it was news for a chilidog. One track mind much!?

So they end up in a Volcano because… reasons, Knuckles and Rouge display their unresolved sexual tension, and depart for another emerald.

Flame Core

Alright, so this zone probably has the best music, and after the ass fest of Acropolis and Crisis, this is probably my favorite level in the whole game.At least Act 1 is. Kinda reminiscent of the Dark Chao Garden. No? Ok.

I still died a couple of times because that homing attack is imprecise as a mutha fucka in this game. Overall a decent Act. Still a lot of automation in certain areas.

Act 2 is just… boring. You’re in a cave, basically Red Mountain Act 2 without the 90s freestyle mu- OH NOW I CAN PLAY KNUCKLES! Holy shit, how long has it been I found you? It was a warehouse, then Acropolis, they had you play as Tails even, then Crisis City,  and here we are now just getting to play as the Jamaican mole! 

Every other amigo you can play almost immediately after you meet them, but Knuckles was an after thought. He was included because Sonic needed a second slot filled in. And what do you do with him? You fly around with your rapid descent shitty gliding, turn on some lights, and your ass is done with Knuckles until the last goddamn level. He got screwed in this shit.

At the same time, I have to ponder why most of these zones have you doing dumb shit in most of them. Closing gates to seal in a whale, knocking out searchlights, and turning on nightlights in a fucking Volcano! Its why a lot of these zones aren’t fun to replay because of all the bullshit they crammed in.

Anywho, the 5 find a Chaos Emerald,  but wait! It’s a trap!

Iblis

These bosses might as well be in a Zelda game. So we have a boss fight that is a glorified waiting game. You gotta wait for this bastard to drop stalagmites down into the lake to form a bridge so you can jump across to one of 3 glowing orb shits, turn them on to attract Iblis toward, wait for him to jump at you, get stuck without any explanation, and you jump on his head. This can take a good 10 minutes or more if you happen to die, which is easy brcause the camera tends to shift focus to the boss, and you could be in mid jump during this shit, might miss a platform, lose your rings, pray he doesn’t shoot fireballs at you cause you can’t avoid that shit half the time. 

All this unnecessary tedium, I swear. Shadow the hedgehog, you were allowed to use w/e means necessary to kill most bosses, there was no process or specific strategies to defeat them. This is just bullshit. It takes way too long to kill this bitch. Again, Boss fights shouldn’t take longer than 2 minutes at worst, and this is insanity. Like… what were they thinking when they made this shit? This is Sonic. It shouldn’t ever take too long to do anything in these games. Technical problems my ass, it’s the overall design choices that kill this shit!

So I beat em after about 300 hundred hours, Sonic and Shadow use Chaos Control, & return to the past. And now we look for Radical Train. Did I mention Soleanna is too damn big? It’s so easy to get lost in this shitty looking city. I ended up having to ask npc’s for directions. Then I find the damn Zone blocked! Luckily there was an area where I could break in yadda yadda. 

Radical Train

This zone wasn’t bad actually,  aside from the need to rush through it to catch a train. And the Mach Speed zone which I managed to beat the first time. So… cool zone? Good, this post is long enough as it is.

So we didn’t see anything and all of a sudden Sonic has Elise in hand. And then Silver comes back, Sonic gets tanked again, Elise gets captured again (Amma, just put a tracking device on this bitch) and now Shadow comes to save the day! Sonic just looks more like a bitch as the game goes on. Elise decides to commit suicide by jumping off Robotnik’s ship (so dramatic). I’m left wondering why he didn’t secure that bitch in some sort of container beforehand! Sonic obviously catches her, and then… boss!? Why couldn’t you just run, you ass!?

Egg Genesis

Ok, so this fight was about 50/50 when it came to annoyance. Jump on enemies to get on top of the robot, use bounce to kill the machine. The real problem are those fucking missiles that can hit you even on top of the robot, and up there you have this limited amount of space and a small window of opportunity before the head exposes itself, so it’s tedious, but not as long as Iblis. So no big.

Around this point, I honestly thought the game was getting better!

So Sonic gets Elise out of there, and for once he cracks a smile. I skipped this scene cause the bonding moments between these two just feel awkward and underdeveloped. 

Tropical Jungle

You know, I barely remember this zone. Tropical Jungle kinda sucks like that.

Then we get CG of Sonic and Elise running to a tree with flower petals and a clear lake. Elise comments on how beautiful it is, and I’m just thinking “this is some gay shit” this isn’t Sonic, it’s a wannabe Final fantasy game. And goddamn, Elise’s face is creepy! It’s like  a cross between a baby doll and a mannequin! It’s like some deranged transformation, she looks ok in the opening CG, but here she takes a turn into uncanny valley. Idk, it’s as though they had 2 different modelers or something. 

Then the next scene, she gets captured again! I’m amazed no one bothered drawing comparisons to Peach yet.

So for this next part, i’m playing Tails and I have to go back to Wave Ocean? This is where Sonic’s story just feels underdeveloped. See, each story has the main character’s sidekick go through an extra Zone for a particular reason. Blaze is trying to reunite with Silver, Rouge is trying to rescue shadow from the future,  but with Tails? You get nothing. You gain no understanding of why Tails needs to go into Wave Ocean. There’s the implication that he’s gathering info for Sonic so that he knows where Robotnik is headed. Which reflects badly on Sonic because after an entire journey of knowing this fat mother fucker is after Elise, he should’ve been guarding the bitch, or watched her from afar. Afterall, he is supposed to know Elise is going to die at some point. So why all this!? Because homogeny between all 3 stories is necessary I guess. Each story needs one extra Zone because the sidekicks have their reasons for being here! Except Tails! Oh fuck it.

So after that waste of padding, I have to find a way into Kingdom Valley. But first I had to find this old bastard who talks about needing to complete 3 trials before I’m allowed to enter. What ensues is perhaps the most asinine segment in this whole damn game. You will learn to hate 06’s load screen. 

The first trial is beating enemies. No big

The second is more infuriating. This trial and error shit of going through a maze of warp gates. It literally took me 12 minutes to figure this shit out! And they call this the test of wisdom!? Wisdom for what!? There are no clues indicating which warp gate is the right one. You just guess!

The last trial is (I shit you not) a trial of love! You just have to pick between Amy or Elise as Sonic’s one true love! I want to make this up. That’s all there is to the trial! I assume this was to appeal to girls, maybe? I don’t know anyone who cares about who makes Sonic’s hose jump the most.

What the fuck does any of this have to do with earning the right to venture into Kingdom Valley!? Japan was taking that “Gameplay/story segregation” rule to bullshit extremes with these trials. 

As I get inside, Silver saves Sonic from a pack of robots. And out of the blue, Sonic just accepts his help to find Elise without any dialogue resembling “Dude, you tried to kill me! Twice! WTF!?” Seriously, did he not ponder that shit when Silver reappeared? Dat one-track mind, man..

Kingdom Valley

I always thought to myself that kingdom valley would be an awesome zone. And I was wrong. This place is hell! Act 1 is a retread of Windy valley of SA1 with it’s little wind rails (I just noticed how bizarre Sonic’s grinding animation looks), and for some strange reason, and Eagle that carries you to different parts of the zone. Must… resist…. urge to… compare to… Mario 64… and then you have these ropes you bounce off of. Again, the shit homing attack failed me here. Lost about 2 lives for hitting the button so fast. 

Act 2 is all Silver. Basically just has him destroying all the enemies in the area. Not hard, but I kept getting shot during mid flight into the goddamn water. That was 4 fucking lives over some cheap shit. Act 3 is back to Sonic. This area just looks depressing with all it’s dark gray colors and drab surroundings. And again, you have enemies shooting you off-screen. So I was going through an area without rings, POOF, dead! 

I was down to zero lives at this point, but I managed to make it to act 4. Another mach-speed zone! But… I was doing well! I had played these sections so much I thought I was a pro! It looked like I was going to make it with zero lives. BUT NO! The son of a bitch slips off a side wall! No reason, he just stops running and falls to his fucking death! 

Y’all know I was pissed beyond belief!  And this game is merciless. They throw me all the way back to the main menu. No Continues or nothing! And worse yet, I restart my game, and I dont continue from the level itself, I start from the last fucking Zone I just beat! So I had to do those dyke ass trials again!

This whole mess just fucked my patience. The fact that my death had nothing to do with me fucking up somewhere, but because this blue jackass found a nickel somewhere in all that water is just… ugh. So I shrug through all this bullshit a second time, miraculously beating everything no problem, then I come to act 4 and get shot up the ass, dying 3 times… but eventually I beat it. And I get to move on from this nightmare. 

So Robotnik’s ship just randomly malfunctioned and crashed. Lol? Sonic shows actual emotion for once, and Silver ends up with a plan to reverse to before his ship crashes (why not to before she ever got kidnapped!?) So Chaos Control! Sonic gives Silver his emerald (you dumbass!) And jumps in the time warp.

You know what that means!? All the shit I did, the Trials and all? That was all for nothin! I got a free migraine, that’s for sure! I don’t even what I had to do for the last zone.

Aquatic Base

Funny. Tails and Knuckles weren’t even with me to make this trip, but they’re playable here for some reason. See how Sonic’s story is just thrown together without context half the time? 

So this zone was a breeze compared to the sadistic shit from kingdom valley. The metal bubbles were tedious to ride on, but otherwise a pretty uneventful zone.

Sonic gets to the cock pit and finds Elise. Then Robotnik claims it’s not over just yet.

Egg Wyvern

Another hint that Sonic’s story is just thrown together. First, They’re outside!? Weren’t they just on the damn bridge!? Second, Robotnik couldn’t be this petty. Your damn Egg Carrier is going down in flames! You wanna waste time fighting! ? Are you serious right now!?

Anywho, more waiting games people! This is what we were hyped for back in 06! For the first 2-3 hits, you gotta wait till he flies around, shoots lasers, then charge at you. When he does, jump on his horn and then repeat the tactics used on Egg Cerberus and direct him toward bombs. This is tedious as fuck, btw, I had to do this thing 8 times before I could figure out what I was supposed to do. After this, the cockpit is exposed and comes up with a new  new strategy of… making a bridge of targets so that you can hit his cockpit. Goddamn, hes stupid! W/e, easy fight for me, I can’t complain. It’s just time consuming. It’s long for no reason. And then I fell off the platform so I had to start it all over again. Just loooooooooooong.

After beating him, I guess he falls to his death? And another CG of Sonic and Elise being INDOORS! Consistency much!? They run outside to find the ship breaking apart. Sonic asks Elise if she’s worried. 

“If you have time to worry, then run!” Wha? Idk, I guess he said some shit like this earlier? I skipped all their bonding moments earlier. Then Sonic jumps all over the place, i’m surprised Elise hasn’t snapped her neck yet, and then an explosion propels them up a cliff. The impact she took should have definitely killed her. Or at the very least paralyzed the bitch. But she just laughs it off and Sonic joins in  laughter, showing the “wonderful” talents of Jason Griffith. “Nice Smile!” That… that’s really how you’re gonna end it off!? With some flirty ass quote like that!?

So Tails and Knux died in the crash, right? πŸ˜›

So that was Sonic’s story of 06. It wasn’t at all fun, and was more frustrating than I could’ve imagined. Controlling Sonic was more difficult than it should’ve been that  if you were at a certain speed, he becomes difficult to steer. I also despise the mach speed zones. Nothing could be more luck based than this nonsense. And the story was less about Sonic and more about Elise, some skinny bitch with all the charisma of a slice of bread. And because Sonic wanted some sweet royal ass, he mimics that same charisma, becoming an unbearable animu character in the process. It almost justifies Pontac and Graf.

(Next time: Silver)

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