Because Spengebab wouldn’t stop begging. 😛 And Inquisition was good for something. 

Ooook. I was on the fence about this game for ages. But after a little prodding, I said fuck it. It can’t be that much worse than Triple Deluxe. Cause… damn, I could never play that game again. It was a glorified tech demo to show the “value” of the 3DS’ s capabilities. Forced exploration for the sake of puzzle solving just ruined the experience. And by the balls of Ra, that final boss was the biggest handful of suck ass to grace not only Kirby, but video games itself. Having to strain your goddamn arms just to aim a cannon is so unlike Nintendo. They’re not known for uncomfortable control schemes… until the Wii.

So I had good reason to be hesitant in buying Robobot. Nintendo rarely improves in most of their sequels. I was convinced that was forever dead from that point onward as now it joined Mario, Zelda, Yoshi, and even Star Fox in Nintendo’s “Puzzle Fetch” series.

And i’ve never been happier to be… kinda… wrong. Robobot is… actually pretty fun!

Mind you, it still has the same forced puzzle fetch problems that Nintendo forced into the series, but it feels less frequent or intrusive… you dont feel it gets in the way as much. If there’s one thing Robobot does well, its compensating for its bullshit. 

So I start this bitch off in a tutorial level… I guess I can skip that.

level 2 begins not so differently from the first as I make my way to a miniboss. I kick his ass and jack his robot.

And its FUCKIN AWESOME!!!

This shit has its own copy abilities!!! It messed me up! I was losing my damn mind, everytime I found another enemy with a copy power, I just kept tryin em on like a dressing room addict! It was like having 2 different sets of copy abilities. Even better, the robot wasn’t… always… a crutch in getting through levels. Even moar better, it gives way to piss easy schmup levels. 

It’s like playing MMX3 without the tedious chip requirements or sluggish mech controls!

Either that or I just really miss Rick, Coo, and Kine.

So I continue onward, salivating at the wonderful possibilities of the mech… but as level 3 would show me, Nintendo only invents new gameplay for the sake of puzzles.

Behold this son of a bitch! Prior to this fight fight, you have to deal with 2 minions. The key to killing them was jumping on their heads and unscrewing them by rotating the circle/D-pad. Now… I played this level again and found I could kill the 2 fucks the “normal” way via asskickulation. But when I get to papabot and find the only way to kill him is by unscrewing it’s hands and head… I lost my shit.

I was like “NOOOOOO NINTENDO YOU SON’S OF BITCHES! I KNEW YOU COULDN’T BE TRUSTED WITH RATIONAL GAME DESIGN! AND NOW YOU SHOVE MULTI-TASKING BOSSES INTO KIRBY!? PUZZLES AND FETCH QUEST WEREN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU TYRANNICAL BASTARDS!? RUINED! RUINED I SAY!!”

And then… nothing! I’m starting world 6 and I have not had to deal with a multi-tasker since 1-3. So what the hell was the point of that boss? It’s like midway through development, the folks at Big N were like:

The Kirby mech shall be used as a means of defeating bosses in super specific ways in order to express the intricate mechanics of the mechs tools rather than focus on senseless violence of giving it weapons! Hahahahahahah….

But what if the weapons were an extension of Kirby’s own powers? It would be cuter that way!

I CHOOSE… CUTENESS!!!

Someone shoot me the next time I do this. Fuck, I lost track of what I was talking about…

EMBRACE ME! AS YOUR KING AND AS YOUR GOD!

Anywho, by now I’m in world 2 and I pretty much experienced the 3 new powers plus 2 (useless) returning  powers from superstar. Mirror and Jet. Mirror got some improvements while Jet remains shit. The new powers are Doctor (its as lame as you can guess), poison which is a rehashed/nerfed water power from RTDL, and ESP which is a lousy Ness reference, and overpowered as shit. Take that baby into a boss fight and you’ll be beating wholesale ass with all your health intact.

That’s the best they could come up with? 1 ability is recycled content and the other 2 fellates Nintendo itself, and not in a good way. Its not really cool when Kirby powers start turning into petty easter eggs. But that’s a personal thing, the game isn’t worse for it.

By the time I hit world 3, I had forgotten the story. Some big crab warship is invading… and your job is to stop the invaders. ……Meh, it’s kirby.

Still, it didn’t stop them from trying to make something coherent. The robo bitch we see above is a secretary working for some Robotnik looking corporate bastard. 

“Susie” (really creative name, jackasses) plays the role of Saturday morning villain and has all the personality of a rice cake. When you first meet her, she sounds like a typical imperial bastard looking to steal resources while criticizing the denizens of pop star for taking them for granted… cause..  you know, we know how pop…starian(?) culture works. Then every subsequent meeting is “you’re strong, but I got a new monster who’ll beat you!” It’s odd how a game that is, and I use the term lightly, innovative in it’s gameplay can feel so creatively bankrupt in it’s content. Yeah I know its Nintendo and they couldn’t 2 shits about content, but even the narrative stopped caring.

By World 4, unfortunately, I start to get bored. I’ve when talking about Sly Cooper years back when a game starts to feel routine, and its all due to the fetch quests.

Similar to Turd Deluxe, each level has 3 trinkets you need to find before you can ever fight the bosses. The number of “code cubes” you need increases per world. This makes any Kirby game less fun. The joy of Kirby was being able to go through levels with your preferred powers. But with an objective like this, you don’t get that option. The majority of cubes require specific powers in order to solve the little bullshit ass puzzles that block access to the cubes. You spend most levels just keeping an eye out, lookin for shit. Even the mech becomes less about wanton destruction and more about solving puzzles. What happens is that very appeal of Kirby (to me), the gaining of new powers, experimenting with them and ultimately sticking to the ones you like, is a freedom revoked by the game necessitating that you dump your current power in favor of looking for code cubes. It’s not as bad as in TD, but it’s still here, and it’s problematic

I think what’s most insulting is that… there isn’t even a reason for this! There’s nothing in any of the cutscenes that even remotely implied that Haltmann or w/e the hell his name is… took the precautions necessary to prevent infiltration of any kind. These firewalls came out of nowhere and these code cubes randomly appear for you to find. whats more, if you play each stage without lookin for shit, they are extremely short. So all I can assume is padding. Deliberately so as many of these cubes aren’t even difficult to find or get. And it’s this brand of nonsense that gets old real fast.

Shit, some of them even give you solutions to puzzles on the get go!

You also have the option of putting… stickers on your mech… because ofcourse youre gonna use that!

Getting away from the main game, you have 2 side games that will be forgotten after playing them once.

3D Rumble (Oh Amma) is what would happen if kirby was raped by Nintendo’s 3D obsession. Just look at that ass backwards control scheme! The objective of all 3 levels is to in an arena  and kil all enemies that spawn. Aiming is painful at best. Its quite boring, to be honest. 

Then is Kirby Clash which is what happens when Nintendo feeds into the industry’s RPG obsession. You have 4… “classes”

All of which are copy abilities in the main game! This probably would’ve been an alright side game if it wasn’t a boss rush. Still, its not a huge waste of cartridge space. And I quite like the Mage hat .

By the end of the game, you’ll start realizing that Robobot may as well be fanservice or self-fellatio for Kirby Super Star. Everything from the returning powers to some remixes, to the Halberd which only ever appeared in super Star, and the final boss being the face… clock from Milkyway Wishes. Not to mention the Meta Knightmare side game title was designed ever so closely resembling another Super star game.

*sigh* Look, Super Star isn’t bad, but this is just silly. You have a remake on the DS, you have it rereleased for the Kirby Dream Collection on the Wii, you don’t need these references. You can’t get nostalgic for a game you have readily available access to. It’s why Sega reusing Sonic tropes like Green Hill is more insulting than it is fanservice. And all for a game that feels like a bunch of rejected ideas got crammed into one cartridge. 

After a while, it starts getting annoying. You think the stickers would be enough of an easter egg generator. How many cameos do you have to burn through before the creators start seeming full of themselves? 

There’s also this bit of fuckery. These 3 games are available on Turd Delux. And now they want you to pay for them all separately!?

But w/e.  Planet Robobot is.. a baby step in the right direction. Its got better music, the mech is fun and interesting to use, there’s no real gyro BS like in TD, the worlds are more imagin-, I can’t even lie like that. And the final boss is a decent Star Fox knock off. But the stubborn reliance on fetch quests and puzzles really drags the game down, and that seriously needs to change now. 

So if anything… yeah… I like it alright, all things considered. 

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