I’m sure everyone stopped caring by now, but hell with it.

ARMS

[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k7s3UB_8dFM]

ITS ARMS! Sonics new best buddy! A magical Kitsune!… Sorry

Well, they spent a lot of time coming up with that title. Is it disturbing watching a grown man beat up a little school girl? 

So, after something as dark and as edgy like Killer fucking Instinct, and something as crazy and as addictive as Super Smash Bros., Nintendo’s next big fighting game features boxers with confetti limbs. Goddamn this game looks stupid with a longer trailer.

I’m calling it right now that this game will get shat on by the time it hits shelves. Mainly due to controls and general gameplay. The controls themselves would be better suited for a regular boxing game/Punch Out, but here you have to deal with astonishingly bad recovery times. The nature of having to literally stretch the character’s arms to try and hit the opponent is going to be frustrating. The attacks themselves look slow and easy to avoid. The only means of ensuring a hit is by curving your punches, which I’m sure is something people will just remember to do. Right. They have arenas with obstructions that will no doubt make it more frustrating to play in. Players could more easily take cover or be flanked more often. There’s only one character I see people using often because she makes sense in a game like this.

Guns bitches!

There’s a whole lot of motion based button presses and I can’t help but feel some motions will get in the way of each other. Like the part where the girl dodges an attack, the motion might get interpreted as a block. It honestly would’ve been better (but more expensive) to have sensors on the person’s legs to control that kind of movement. The blocking motion doesn’t even make sense. Wouldn’t it be more sensible to cross your arms!? Instead of just tilting the shits toward each other so you can forget how to block, period?

and the actual fighting looks slow & boring. It’s 2 people whiffing punches while jumping all over the place. Barely hitting anything but air.

Character design isn’t bad for the most part, except for that purple monkey fuck.

If anything, it shows that Nintendo acknowledges in some retrospect that the Wiimote kicked ass and made a spiritual successor. Albeit one with a shitty design and no DPad, but a successor no less. And no strings attached (hahaha). Still, that 1-2 Draw mess may be a better demonstration of Joycon motion controls than ARMS. I’m willing to bet everyone will hate this game.

Also calling it. Little Mac as an unlockable/DLC.

He was trying to get some. You know it.

Super Bomberman R

Aww hell yeah!

Bomberman is back bitches! I don’t think I should trust Konami at this point, they might pull some shit like no local multiplayer, cause the industry is a fuckjob like that.

But it’s sad. This is… the only game I’d look forward to on the Stitch. It’s what we should’ve gotten back on the Wii. Coop Bomberman like back in the day!? It‘s beautiful. I’ve been missing Bomberman for the last 2 generations so I’m probably not in the right mind to judge.

I Could bitch about the Art style, but why bother? The trailer gives me nothing to bitch at! This… is what I want from a Bomberman game. I did catch a puzzle with some staircase, and the voice acting does seem off (helium voice ftw) but I can’t hate on this. It’s morally conflicting because… Konami. Those tyrannical sons of bitches the gaming community at large would protest. What happened to the “Mobile Market Only” plans?

Overall

I think it’s safe to say that despite my criticisms, this does infact look better than the Pii U. Even the 3D Mario looks better. But what Nintendo needs to do is find a better design philosophy. Stop designing games explicitly around intricate controls. Perhaps that’s easier than making a legitimately good game? Pii U’s whole library doesn’t fill me with a lot of hope.

Zelda looks dumb, Xenoblade gets raped to crumbs, not a good start for your game line up. And the pandering to Otakus is a big ass red flag to me. How many JRPGS were announced on this thing?

And I still haven’t gotten over the controller design. The lack of D-Pad infuriates me to no end. And the shit is so small, I know my long ass fingers would cramp holding them shits. Also, from what i’ve read, the docking station is… empty. It adds no power or anything. Everything is in that screen. So it’s a console with battery life? Da fuq?

The Stitch is… weird. Looks better than Pii U even with it’s lousy launch titles, but still worse than previous consoles. Lets just hope Nintendo took that asswhoopin from last generation as a sign to get their heads out of their asses. Start listening to customers and stop making half assed cash ins like NSMBU. I know, miracles aren’t real.

I’m certain the Stitch will sell well at launch, and that will make the fanboys cum their pants at the thought of rubbing it in everyone’s face (cause everything’s a compensation opportunity for them) but it’s the long run I’m concerned about. Nintendo doesn’t know how to maintain interest in their console and that causes everyone to jump ship.

But… we’ll see when it drops on March 3rd.

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